Tag: Intimacy

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Can You Be Addicted To Love?

— Here’s What We Know

Being ‘hooked’ on love can cause unhealthy relationship patterns and obsessive thoughts

When you hear the term ”love addiction,” you may think of a storybook character who gulps down a pink, sparkly love potion and suddenly finds themselves instantly infatuated with someone.

In most cases, the spell or potion doesn’t last long, and these folktales leave us with a cautionary message: Love, in excess, can become harmful. Rather than be consumed, it’s better to strive for a healthy, balanced relationship where love is reciprocated.

In real life, we navigate love in different ways by going on dating apps, managing the odds of being ghosted or dodging love bombs. But can a passion for someone else actually become addictive? While there’s no definitive research on this topic, psychologists do point out that love — or the pursuit of it — can be the root of other issues like anxiety, depression and unhealthy relationship patterns.

In other words, if you feel like love can make you obsessive, you’re not alone. Real-life love can be complicated stuff — and it’s never as simple as waiting for the love potion to wear off.

Postdoctoral psychology fellow Gina Gerardo, PhD, talks us through “love addiction” and how you can strengthen your relationship with love.

What is love addiction?

There’s no precise definition for love addiction because it’s not an actual condition as much as it is an abstract concept. After all, you can’t really test love in a lab and see how someone reacts.

But as some research has explored, you can make note of how relationships affect our lives, both physically and mentally. A 2023 review described love addiction — sometimes called relationship addiction or obsessive love disorder — as an overwhelming and compulsive longing for love, attention and affection from others.

It can look like developing feelings toward specific people in an unhealthy or extreme way, or as constantly seeking out romantic partners.

While love addiction isn’t an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), Dr. Gerardo points out that the term can help define certain relationship problems or emotional issues you could experience.

“If someone finds that love is becoming particularly distressing or disruptive to their lives, it’s worth asking more about it and potentially treating,” she explains. That means while you might never get a diagnosis for love addiction, you can treat the associated behaviors.

In fact, love addiction may not always come across with the behaviors typically associated with addiction. It can also go hand-in-hand with a mood disorder, an obsessive-compulsive disorder or even an impulse-control disorder.

Signs and symptoms of love addiction

If you’re a fan of love songs and romance novels, you may have an idea in your head of the symptoms of love addiction: Feeling empty when the person isn’t there, having to be in touch with the person constantly, having an overwhelming physical reaction when the person is in the room.

And, according to the current research, that’s not too far off.

“One distinction from other types of addictions is that there’s a love object,” clarifies Dr. Gerardo. “As opposed to a substance that people feel is addictive or find that they are dependent on, this would be an object, whether that’s a person or something else, they start to become obsessed with.”

For example, a 2023 study examined how love addiction and unhealthy attachments between adults can lead to intense negative emotions and feelings of low self-worth.

Another study from 2010 study found similarities between extreme passion and substance dependence — from feelings of euphoria when near one’s love object to a negative mood and sleep disturbances when separated.

Symptoms of love addiction can include:

  • Obsessive thoughts. Feeling constantly preoccupied with thoughts of love and romance or the object of your affection. This becomes obsessive when it’s challenging to focus on other aspects of your life.
  • Fear of abandonment. An intense fear of being alone or abandoned, leading to clinging behavior and a constant need for reassurance. You may also experience a sort of “withdrawal” or intrusive thoughts when the significant other isn’t around.
  • Unhealthy relationship patterns. Repeating cycles of intense, short-lived relationships or staying in toxic relationships despite obvious red flags.
  • Neglecting self-care. Prioritizing the needs and desires of the partner over personal well-being and neglecting your own goals, interests and needs.
  • Emotional turmoil. Experiencing highs and lows depending on the state of the current relationship. “You may feel a euphoric feeling that is more than what is normally experienced in romantic relationships,” says Dr. Gerardo.

How love addiction impacts your well-being

When it comes to matters of the heart, it can be difficult to recognize when the love in your life is doing more harm than good.

While symptoms of love addiction can weave into other mental health disorders, they can also magnify existing problems. Some mental health issues associated with love addiction include:

Dr. Gerardo also warns of love addiction affecting your day-to-day life.

“If it’s harming your other relationships with friends and family or if it’s keeping you from other responsibilities like work, taking care of children, keeping up with bills or medical appointments, that’s a sign that there could be a problem,” she says.

How to get help

When dealing with love addiction, you might consider quitting cold turkey, swearing off love and moving to the woods alone. But just like other addictions, an obsessive need for love should be treated with care.

Plus, love is something that’s very important to make us feel fulfilled in our lives. Rather than trying to let it go completely, you can work to find a healthy balance.

Some coping strategies that Dr. Gerardo suggests include:

Open communication

As symptoms of love addiction will usually involve another person, communication is key when it comes to resolving any issues you may be having. You might realize that you’ve been avoiding communicating because of fear or anxiety — but having an open dialogue about your feelings can ultimately bring clarity to your relationship.

“This includes communication with the partner, with yourself and even with friends and family before entering a relationship,” explains Dr. Gerardo.

Specifically with a partner, it’s good to be honest with some of the complicated feelings you’ve been having. This can help you feel more open about what you’re feeling and can clue them into what you might be working through and why.

For example, maybe to deal with feelings of love addiction, you decide to spend more time alone. Communicating this change in your behavior with your partner so they know what your motivations are can help maintain a healthy bond. And if you’re having trouble putting your emotions into words, couples counseling can also be a good option.

Seek other perspectives

One common red flag of any relationship — romantic or otherwise — is if it puts blinders on you from the rest of the world. When this happens, it can be hard to notice any problems or toxic behaviors. Dr. Gerardo recommends popping this “love bubble” by seeking out people in your life to get their points of view.

“If your friends and family notice that these problems are persisting for a long period of time and are getting in the way of all your normal responsibilities and behaviors, then that would be a cue to pump the brakes and communicate your needs with your partner,” she says.

Therapy and counseling

Individual or group therapy can help address underlying issues and learn healthier relationship patterns.

If you feel like love addiction might be affecting your personal health or the health of your relationship, talking with a therapist can help you work through your concerns. A session with a couples counselor or some other kind of group therapy can also help get you and your partner to a healthier and more balanced place.

The bottom line

An addiction to love can definitely have an effect on your well-being. If you find yourself completely engrossed by someone and something to the point that it’s affecting how you eat, sleep or react to stressful situations, it might be time to assess your relationship with love. With focus, outside perspectives and counseling, there are ways to find peace with feelings of love and turn them into a more positive force in your life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Experts Debunk Things Movies Taught You About Sex

By Jeremy Brown

In the movies, we often see a man or woman sweep his or her partner up, kiss them passionately, and have their way with them with barely a word spoken on either end. This notion that a person can simply take what they want when they want is not only false; it can set an unreasonable and dangerous precedent.

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women has experienced rape or attempted rape during their lifetime. In addition, close to a quarter of men have also been victims of sexual violence. With these statistics in mind, it is clear that both partners need to be on the same page when it comes to getting physical.

“Communication is essential in any relationship — even a long-term partnership,” says Dr. Juliana Hauser, a licensed family and marriage therapist, an expert on sex and sexuality, and a Kindra Advisory Board Member. “I encourage couples who want to try something new to discuss it openly and honestly with their partner. One of my favorite ways to practice consent is my four quadrants exercise — it’s a helpful tool to openly discuss what you want to try in the bedroom, and what you don’t! Consent is sexy, should be enthusiastic and clear and reciprocal.”

Myth: Couples don’t routinely practice safer sex

And these unrealistic expectations of how sexual activity should be can end up doing more harm than good, even informing some people’s ideas of what sex is supposed to be. According to a 2016 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, only thirteen states mandate that sex education be medically accurate.

Perhaps even more worrying, a 2000 study published in the Western Journal of Medicine revealed that more than 80% of adolescents reported that a lot of their information about sex comes from television, movies, and other forms of entertainment. An additional 10% of adolescents said that they learned more about such topics as AIDS from media than they did from parents or educators.

With numbers like these in mind, we turned to a pair of experts who walked us through some of the most common movie misconceptions about sex – and how reality is so much better than fiction

Myth: Consent isn’t needed

When a couple enters a monogamous, committed relationship, the “Hollywood ending” mentality might lead one to believe that sex can now exist in a sort of consequence-free environment. With two sexually exclusive partners, the risk of disease is likely very low, if not nonexistent. And, if both partners are thinking long-term, there may not be any issues or concerns about getting pregnant. There can even be a societal element to couples electing to forego safe sex. A 2016 study published in Global Health Action showed that, among monogamous partners in southeastern Tanzania, there was a feeling that married partners who do not practice safe sex are “not really married.”

However, experts say that safe sex can be a way for couples to keep exploring and find new ways to connect and bond. “Safe sex can mean a variety of things for couples,” Hauser says, “whether it is to avoid pregnancy, lessen the risk of transmitting a sexual disease, try something new in a safe environment, or feel emotionally safe during intimacy. Be open and honest with your partner about what safe sex means to you. Experiencing safety in many forms during sexual connection is considered a powerful aphrodisiac for many individuals

Myth: Older people don’t have sex

Older couples in movies are usually portrayed as leading chaste, almost sexless lives. Sometimes their lack of intimacy is even played for laughs, with jokes flying about men’s inability to perform or women’s postmenopausal lack of desire. However, in reality, older people can be just as sexually active as younger people. A 2019 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association showed that a third of adults between the ages of 60 and 82 had more sex and even sexual thoughts than younger adults.

Hauser herself points to a Kindra/Harris Poll survey that showed that 70% of women over 50 say they still enjoy having sex. “There’s a myth that quality of sex declines and orgasms become more elusive for women as we age,” she notes. “That doesn’t have to be the case. In fact, many couples 50+ report finding a renewed interest in sexual connection, an increase in investing in sex toys and seeking professional support in experiencing more fulfilling sexual lives. There are practical things women can do to become ‘sexperts’ and reclaim their sexuality as they age to make sex more fulfilling, pleasure more abundant, and orgasms more potent — better than ever.”

Myth: Lubrication is unnecessary

Movie sex would have us believe that women are always so turned on that there is no need for any outside assistance, and the natural lubrication from her arousal is more than enough. If only it were that simple. The truth is, even if they are completely aroused, women still may need a little help with vaginal lubrication. A 2012 study published in Obstetrics and Gynecology revealed that 62% of women have used some type of lubricant during sex. This can be a particular issue as women grow older.

Hauser notes that more than half of women who are experiencing perimenopause and menopause can be affected by vaginal dryness. “This vaginal change can have a significant impact on body confidence, sexual connection and relationships,” she says. “Vulvovaginal moisturizers and lubricants make a significant difference for many women, especially those going through the hormonal shifts of menopause. Using a vaginal moisturizer helps rebuild moisture over time so you’re always ready for intimacy, and using a lubricant during sex can help increase feelings of pleasure.”

Myth: Don’t bother with foreplay

When you’re watching a movie, it’s understood that there is a need to keep the plot moving forward, so you can’t pause too long for a sex scene. But in a Hollywood tryst, we often see couples go from kissing to full-on intercourse in a matter of seconds. In reality, things should be moving at a much slower pace. Foreplay isn’t just enjoyable; it’s an important part of sexual intimacy, according to Healthline. Kissing alone releases a number of stress-reducing hormones, such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine.

“Being mentally and physically ready for and interested in sexual activity is so important — especially as we age,” says Hauser. “Foreplay allows your mind and body time to transition into receiving pleasure, to become present and to prime your body and if engaging in partnered sex, a connection with your partner without the focus of an end result. Embrace a curious mindset and give yourself permission to experiment to find what you like — solo pleasure can be so helpful here.”

Myth: Women always orgasm

Onscreen, women are almost always completely enraptured by their partner’s performance, to the point of achieving a blissful, even earth-shaking, orgasm. And, while it would be nice if vaginal intercourse were sufficient to bring all women to orgasm, it’s not always the case. In fact, a 2016 study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Pyschology revealed that, while 90% of men experience orgasm through intercourse, only 50% of women can say the same. The issue stems from the fact that most women achieve orgasm via stimulation of the clitoris. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that nearly 37% of women required their clitorises to be stimulated in order to reach orgasm. An additional 36% said that, while they could achieve climax without it, stimulation of the clitoris improved their orgasms, making them feel better.

“While some women do reliably orgasm through intercourse, women are generally more likely to orgasm through oral sex, fingering, masturbation, and/or use of sex toys — in other words, acts that provide clitoral stimulation,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for the pleasure product brand Biird. “Make sure the clit is getting attention!”

Myth: Sex in the shower is easy

Of all of the sexual myths that are better in concept than execution, sex in the shower could arguably top the list. In theory, it’s got all of the right components. It’s warm, it’s steamy, and everyone is naked by default. As such, it’s become a common love scene trope in movies, one that people try and replicate all too often at home. A 2020 survey conducted by Drench.com showed that more than half of adults have attempted to have sex in the shower. However, that poll also reveals that 32% have been disappointed by the experience, and an alarming 44% have actually been hurt during shower sex.

“If only sex in the shower — or bath or hot tub or pool — were as easy as they make it look in the movies!” Weiss says. “Unfortunately, water washes off natural lubrication, which increases friction during penetration. Not to mention, the shower is a confined and slippery place! If you are looking to have sex in the shower, manual or digital sex is probably the easiest kind. Silicone lube is the least likely to wash off, and you can also bring in a waterproof vibrator. Showering can also be great foreplay: You can kiss and feel each other up in the shower, then move to a more comfortable place like the bedroom.”

Myth: Simultaneous orgasms are easy to achieve

When movie couples achieve climax during one of their perfectly lit and artfully shot love scenes, it is usually in perfect sync, with the sequence fading to black as both couples relax in the afterglow. In reality, a simultaneous orgasm, particularly from vaginal intercourse, is a little harder to achieve. A 2018 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior showed that only 41% to 50% of women in particular were able to climax from unassisted intercourse, making a shared climax a challenging goal.

“Because most women don’t reliably orgasm through intercourse, simultaneous orgasms during intercourse are not the norm,” Weiss says. “There’s also just a low probability that both people will take the exact same amount of time to orgasm in any given encounter.” Weiss suggests a few ways to help couples increase the odds of them simultaneously orgasming. “One way to do it is to have one partner touch their own clitoris or use a vibrator during intercourse (I’m speaking mainly about heterosexual intercourse here). Both people can let each other know when they are getting close, so one person can ease up if they are approaching orgasm faster than the other. Another way to do this is to have one person touch themselves while they are pleasuring a partner with their hands or mouth. Or, two people can masturbate side by side — something we unfortunately rarely see on screen!”

Myth: Everyone performs perfectly every time

Sex scenes in movies look so great because, well, they’re movies. Everything is scripted, choreographed, and planned out, and couples have multiple takes to get it right. Clothes come off without a hitch, every movement is perfectly executed, and both partners perform like pros. If only it were that easy!

But, because so many of us have been conditioned to view sex the way we see it onscreen, the idea of falling short of that mark can be a trigger. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, up to 16% of women and 25% of men feel some form of anxiety around their performance in the bedroom.

“Sex doesn’t usually look like scripted sex scenes!” Weiss says. “Often, it involves talking, fumbling, pausing, not getting hard or wet when you want to, losing erections, not orgasming when you want to (or orgasming when you don’t want to), pets jumping on the bed, and more.” Weiss explains that the only things that can truly ruin sex are being embarrassed about it and taking it too seriously. “It’s OK for sex to be silly, messy, and unlike a Hollywood sex scene.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pup Play

— Kink communities can help people build connections and improve their body image


Pup play has its roots within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture.

By and

In recent years, the world of kink lifestyles and subcultures has gained increasing attention. Kink is a general term that includes various expressions of unconventional or non-traditional sexual desires. This encompasses a wide array of practices, including power dynamics, intense sensations/stimuli, role-playing and more.

One such form of role-play that is often misunderstood is known as pup play. Pups are consenting adults who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups.

We are researchers within nutrition and health research with a focus on diverse gender and sexualities. In this project called Puppy Philms, we seek to more deeply understand how meanings ascribed to bodies are socially constructed for gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men within the pup community.

For this project, we used a method called cellphilming. The term cellphilm was coined to describe films made with cell phones. We worked with pups who created cellphilms to learn more about their community, particularly how being a pup might help people navigate body-image concerns.

We recruited 17 self-identifying gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men who are pups across Canada. They attended three workshops and each of them created a cellphilm in which they talked about being a pup and how their body image is shaped in the pup community.

What is pup play?

Two men in pup hoods and gear.
Pups are consenting adults who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups.

Pup play has its roots within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture. Alongside the sexual component, pup play is viewed by many to be a social activity.

Studies have demonstrated many reasons why people might participate in kink and BDSM activities. For example, personal development, self-expression, overcoming anxiety, relaxation, and to be more socially comfortable. Kink play may also improve interpersonal relationships.

The pup community fosters connections and gathers at various pup events. These include pup competitions where a designated “play space” allows them to cuddle each other, wag their tails and bark.

Pups often wear pup gear like collars and pup masks or hoods. Some individuals within pup communities take on the role of pup “handlers,” which means they assume a more dominant role within pup play.

Cellphilming

Cellphilming is an art-based research method and serves as a tool for advocacy that researchers seeking to disrupt traditional roles within research can use. It enables participants to exercise their creativity and take control and ownership of their narratives, facilitating the expression of ideas that can be more challenging to convey through traditional interviews.

Research becomes an artistic and reflective process. The resulting cellphilms are pieces of art that can create a sense of solidarity among communities while changing social values about gender, sexual orientation and bodies.

The Puppy Philms Project

Man wearing pup hood and leather harness.
Gay subcultures often celebrate bodies that are more diverse and challenge dominant ideas about masculinity.

Our previous work noted that many gay men navigate body-image tensions by identifying within gay subcultures that celebrate bodies that are more diverse than the dominant thin and muscular body standards. We also found that challenging and disrupting dominant ideas about masculinity can be helpful for some men dealing with body-image concerns.

Yet no studies have looked at the relationships between body image and pup communities. With Puppy Philms, we sought to gain a deeper insights into this relationship through cellphilming.

Body image and pup play

Three findings about pup play and body image emerged from our research. First, participants discussed how the pup community can reinforce body standards for men. As one participant said, “the body expectations for pup communities are not really different from the body expectations from the cis gay man culture.”

However, many participants also felt pup communities were spaces where dominant ideas about men’s body standards and masculinity were changed, lessened or lacking altogether. As another participant noted, “body image doesn’t really matter in the pup community, and that’s sort of the point. Just be a puppy.”

One man on all fours in pup hood and gear.
Kink communities can often help people with personal development, self-expression and overcoming anxieties.

The pup headspace – a state of mindfulness relaxation — has also been associated with therapeutic benefits. Participants reflected on how the process of becoming a pup helped them change their feelings about their bodies and overcome body image concerns.

One participant noted, “…while I’ve got the [pup] mask on and I’m at the events, I don’t tend to think about it. But soon as the mask comes off then I start to think about my body-image issues again.”

Our study sheds light on the positive aspects of the pup community as a social and accepting space, where identifying as a pup represents a sign of resilience and defiance against social norms.

Unleashing queer activism

Participants felt inspired to create their cellphilms and saw them as powerful tools for activism. They aimed to inform the public about pup play and break the stigma surrounding it.

This drive for activism took various forms; some participants submitted their cellphilms to film festivals, and others travelled to the United States and Europe to showcase their cellphilms and share their experiences. In collaboration with the participants, we organized community screening events (one in Montreal and an upcoming one in Toronto), furthering the reach of their narratives.

Participants saw the potential to use their cellphilms for a greater purpose than just this research. As one participant said, “just this possibility of spreading out what we were talking about really stimulates me a lot.”

Artistic activists remind us that “we can ‘queer’ mass culture by making it say things it was never designed to say, and act in ways it was never meant to act.” Perhaps the participants’ cellphilms can help make our culture more open to diverse bodies, genders and sexualities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex and the Aging Male

I’m receiving a startling number of correspondences lately from older men and their partners, highlighting the sexual difficulties of the aging process. It’s not surprising that these people are noticing the changes in their sexual response cycle as they age, but it is astonishing that they haven’t attributed the changes to andropause.

A Little Frustrated

Dr Dick,
I’m a 54-year-old man, who three years ago managed to finally come out and live the life I so desperately longed for all my life. My question: Is there a biological clock in men like women have to deal with in menopause? During the last years of my marriage, there was no sex life—other than with myself. Now I’m living a fantastic life, with a great man whom I love very much. I know there is more to life than sex, but now that I’m finally able to express myself physically with a ma, I am unable to perform—and not for lack of trying!

I tried Viagra a few years ago. It used to work maintaining an erection, but it was just by myself, and I always had fun. But the side effects—headaches and discomfort—made me wonder, “Do I really want to take this stuff?” But now, even the meds don’t help, and as for my libido, it suffers due to my lack of ability.

I’ve been tested for testosterone levels, and they say I’m right where I should be at for my age. I’ve seen two doctors about the issue, and when they find out my partner’s sex, they don’t want to deal with it, and seem to just pass it off as an age thing. (BTW: I’m in fairly decent shape; I exercise three to four days a week at the gym.) Can you send me any advice on a path to take?
—A Little Frustrated

A little frustrated? Holy cow, darlin’, you sound a lot frustrated—and rightfully so! You finally find what’s been missing your whole life, only to discover that your plumbing is now giving out on you. Ain’t that a bitch!

And before I continue, I want to tell you and all the other alternative lifestyle people in my audience: Don’t settle for a sex-negative physician—no matter what. Find yourself a sex-positive doctor who will look beyond your choice of partner; someone who will give you the respect you deserve!

Andropause

You raise an interesting question about the aging process when you ask if men experience something similar to menopause in women. The short answer is—you betcha! In fact, it even has a name: andropause. It’s only been recently that the medical industry has started to pay attention to the impact that changing hormonal levels have on the male mind and body. Most often andropause is misdiagnosed as depression and treated with an antidepressant. WRONG!

All men experience a decrease in testosterone, the “male” hormone, as they age. This decline is gradual, often spanning 10 to 15 years. While the gradual decrease of testosterone does not display the profound effects that menopause does, the end results are similar.

And listen: When a physician says that your testosterone level falls within “an acceptable range,” he/she isn’t telling you much. Let’s just say you had an elevated level of testosterone all your life, ’til now. Let’s say that you now register on the lower end of “acceptable.” That would mean that you’ve had a significant loss in testosterone. But your doctor wouldn’t know that, because he/she has no baseline for your normal testosterone level.

There is no doubt that a man’s sexual response changes with advancing age and the decrease of testosterone. Sexual urges diminish, erections are harder to come by, they’re not as rigid, there’s less jizz shot with less oomph. And our refractory period (or interval) between erections is more elongated, too.

Andropausal men might want to consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Just know that most medical professionals resist testosterone therapy. Some mistakenly link Testosterone Replacement Therapy with prostate cancer, even though recent evidence shows prostatic disease is estrogen-dependent rather than testosterone-dependent. I encourage you to be fully informed about TRT before you approach your new sex-positive doctor, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively—by you and your doctor.

Finally, getting the lead back in your pencil, so to speak, may simply be an issue of taking more time with arousal play. Don’t expect to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds like you once did. Also, I suggest that you use a cock ring. But most of all, fuckin’ relax, why don’tcha already? Your anxiety is short-circuiting your wood, my friend. And only you can stop that.

Here’s Gwen, who reports on her husband’s condition:

Dr Dick, My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the Internet helps too. 😉 Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you.

No—thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. So familiar, in fact, that I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships, like you and your old man, who have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives.

I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You confide that you husband is overweight and stressed; not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle, even if we don’t factor in his age. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if your challenged him about his general health—encourage weight loss and stress reduction—you might find that it might also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.

And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from someone eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.

It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men. Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into our most senior years. If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:

Hugging, cuddling, kissing
Touching, stroking, massage, sensual baths
Mutual masturbation and oral sex

However, if your husband is more wedded to food and to stress than he is to you, and if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. Age 57 is way too soon to say goodbye to your sex life.

May I suggest joining a women’s group? Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, involving yourself with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.

Good luck!

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How It Feels To Go On A First Date After A Long-Term Relationship

By Rachel Barker

It’s easy to feel guilty throwing yourself back into the dating scene after a long-term relationship.

We’ve covered that before for both men and women, break-ups can be a source of trauma. Our ability to recover from a break-up depends on how we engage with the negative feelings associated with losing our other half.

Diving into hobbies, finding rebounds, focusing on a career, etc. These can be helpful in the short term to immediately forget about the feeling of loss. Maybe to protect ourselves we make it a mission to find someone else to replace them first. That way we get to win the break-up (spoilers, there is no “winning” the break up). Whatever gets us there, actively dating will eventually end up back on the cards for most people.

How does it feel to get back into the dating game?

I can only speak from my own experience, and for me, I felt guilty. I didn’t understand at the time why I ended my first relationship, all I knew was that at that time, I needed space.

This is true for a lot of people, as psychologist Guy Winch noted in his viral TED Talk, break-ups can shape our perception of events. We can be given the perfect, most truthful answer for why we fall out of love with someone, or why they stopped loving us, but our brains will continue to try and rationalise it.

I did a lot of the classic stuff you would do after a break-up. Dove into work and study, had plenty of bad sex, had a Radiohead phase, you name it.

A huge challenge I had getting back into dating was truthfully, respecting myself. I found out my ex at the time had started dating a few short months after we broke-up. I felt angry, jealous, ashamed. All those feelings of the break-up just resurfaced irrationally.

Re-opening Tinder, I felt an immense amount of pressure to cater to other people’s needs, be available for them 24/7, and be very unproblematic. I was the Jimmy Fallon of a Tinder date.

In retrospect, thanks to having such little self-worth, I obviously wasn’t at the right stage to get back into dating.

This sentiment is echoed by Pricilla Martinez, a life coach, who told Refinery29: “If you’re choosing to start dating again after a long break, make sure you’re doing it because you feel ready. If you’re trying to fill the void left by a previous relationship, chances are you’re going to bring the accompanying baggage along with you”.

Does dating someone new help you get over your ex?

It’s a common rom-com trope to suggest a recently broken-hearted person to just “get back out there”, although it’s heavily contended if this actually helps soothe heartbreak.

While a fling can re-spark our lives if we’re down in the dumps, the truth is, our past relationships will also shape how we date in the future. If we haven’t spent time working on ourselves, considering our needs, how we can communicate them, working on setting boundaries and respecting our partners, then odds are we might get caught in a cycle.

Moraya Seeger DeGeare, licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, author of Refinery29’s Can We Talk column, and in-house expert at Paired, says it’s important to have other routines and hobbies just for yourself to keep you grounded. “Understand your self-worth and know you’re a whole human being,” DeGeare explains. “This person isn’t making you whole, this person is enhancing things in your life.”

What is the minimum time you need to wait before dating someone?

No matter when you decide to get back into dating after a break-up, odds are, everyone is going to have an opinion on it. It’s unavoidable, and the only thing you can do is make sure that it’s the right time that you need.

Of course, dating someone within a few weeks of ending a long-term relationship is going to have a lot of people giving you the side-eye, and if your ex hears about it, it will likely hurt them.

You also don’t want to be the person on a date who won’t stop comparing their ex to the new person.

In their book, Chamin Ajjan, a sex and relationship therapist and author of “Seeking Soulmate: Ditch the Dating Game and Find Real Connection” said that dating with the goal of finding a new partner when you have unresolved feelings is selfish. She explains that, “if you are not over your ex and you are dating someone new, comparison is inevitable. The person you are now dating is in a losing battle, because it’s common to idealise your ex instead of looking at him or her realistically.”

Julie Spira, dating expert and digital matchmaker, told the Washington Post that dating others to “rebuild self-esteem” is only a short-term solution for one party. “The new relationship can end up as a temporary high, or ‘love drug’ to help you heal, but unless you’re 100 per cent available, you will get stuck in that comparison game.”

In short, there is no minimum amount of time. Your responsibility to your ex ends once your relationship does. However, you do have a responsibility to future partners to be open and honest about your intentions with them.

Will dating again be hard?

Absolutely.

Being single can be a blessing in disguise, and offers you plenty of opportunity to get to know yourself.

There will be a lot of trial and error. You’ll fall in love with the idea of someone, you’ll have your heart broken, and you’ll make an idiot of yourself, telling your friends about this new perfect person, only for them to turn out to be a dud in a few weeks. But each experience will be important, and no life experience will be empty.

You’ll learn more about your needs, your wants and what works for you only through learning what doesn’t. You’ll grow bolder, more confident and in time, slowly come to rationalise and accept that break-up that might still be haunting you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduling sex can help partners struggling to get intimate.

— If that’s stifling, try setting erotic time zones instead.

By Serafina Kenny

  • Some people don’t want to have sex as much as, or at the same times as, their partner.
  • Sexologist Shamyra Howard said “erotic time zones” have helped her clients.
  • Erotic time zones are times in the day when you’re more likely to initiate or say yes to sex.

Couples therapists often recommend partners schedule sex when they’re struggling to get it on, but sexologist Shamrya Howard said setting “erotic time zones” can be less restrictive and keep a bit of spontaneity alive.

An erotic time zone is a period of time when you are most likely to feel desire or want sex, according to Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist. They can be useful when partners don’t want sex at the same time, whether that’s because of work schedules or hormone cycles.

For example, if one person wants to have sex at 5pm, their partner might reject them if they tend to be more ready for sex at 11pm — so, telling each other when you are most likely to say yes to sex can help both parties know when’s a good time to initiate.

Plus, Howard said, knowing when your partner’s ETZ is gives you both a chance to flirt with each other “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.” The more you flirt, the more aroused you’ll be, which makes sex better — especially if you have a clitoris, Howard said, because it increases blood flow to the genitals, making orgasm more likely.

Howard told Insider the best ways to establish erotic time zones, and how they can help to lubricate things in the bedroom.

Erotic time zones can help couples experiencing a ‘desire discrepancy’

A “desire discrepancy” is where partners seem to want different amounts of sex or at different times, meaning they have less sex than one or both of them wants, Howard said.

Problems can worsen when one partner tries to initiate sex but gets turned down, leading to feelings of rejection, which could make them less likely to try in future.

By increasing the likelihood of sex, Howard said, erotic time zones can help initiating partners feel less rejected, because they know when they’re more likely to get an enthusiastic yes.

The best way to set up an erotic time zone is to just talk about it

“Most couples don’t talk about sex enough,” Howard said, so she encourages clients to “use their mouths” (not in that way — just yet).

“Everyone has a different sexual recipe for their relationships — certain things that turn you on, the things you do in bed, ways you like to have sex together,” she said. She encourages her clients to talk about this “recipe” as often as possible, and to include an erotic time zone in that chat.

She said the best way to maintain an erotic time zone is to talk as often as you can, because the times you will want to have sex will change, often based on things going on in your life, your mood and stress levels, and your health.

For example, if your ETZ is normally 9 a.m. but you know you have early meetings at work one week, you might tell your partner that it’s best to back off before breakfast for a while.

An erotic time zone doesn’t mean automatic consent

Of course, Howard said, just because someone has indicated that they are more likely to want sex during their erotic time zone, it doesn’t mean that they will always want sex at that time, so initiators still need to look for enthusiastic consent even during an ETZ.

“An ETZ does not mean you are obligated to have sex or that you should expect sex. It is just a way to manage a desire discrepancy in your relationship, not to automatically guarantee sex at a certain time.

“You still need to ask your partner if they are in the right space for sex, and what type of sex too,” she said. Couples might have multiple different erotic time zones for when they are more likely to want to practice kinks, as well as an ETZ for more vanilla sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want To Spice Up Your Sex Life?

— Here’s How

By Krati Mehra

Long-term relationships are a beautiful part of our lives, but with the reliability and trust that comes with such intimacy, so too comes predictability. Like any aspect of a relationship, the sexual side of our relationships change with time, and what was once hot and heavy can be reduced almost to a habit or another chore to tick off the list.

As much as we need the security of steady love, we also like to feel attractive—like we’re still alluring enough to excite our partner, even after many years of companionship. More importantly, a healthy and fulfilling sex life is integral to the emotional and physical bonding between partners.

When the sexual aspect of a romantic relationship hits a slump, spicing things up in (or outside) the bedroom can help rekindle that old flame.

Why it’s important to prioritize a fulfilling sex life

Prioritizing a fulfilling sex life is not simply about caring for different relationship aspects; Satisfying sex establishes a synchronicity between two individuals. It guards the shared trust and understanding, ensuring the longevity and resilience of the romantic bond.

Results of a study1 published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicate that the shared moments of passion, even ones limited to cuddling, kissing, and caressing, create deep feelings of love and affection.

“A healthy and fulfilling sex life helps create a deep emotional connection, nurtures intimacy, and builds a unique bond that is both private and profound,” explains psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito, adding, “Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship exhibit better communication, reduced stress, and a heightened sense of overall well-being.”

Research2 also shows that healthy sexual relationshipd create a safe emotional boundary for sharing desires, preferences, and concerns, leading to open and honest communication—another pillar critical for healthy relationships.

“Pleasure and orgasms release oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone, which not only bonds us to our partner but also reduces stress,” notes sex and relationship therapist, Leigh Norén. This biochemical process creates a positive feedback loop, enhancing trust in the relationship.

A satisfying sex life can also create a fertile ground for healthy conflict resolution, cementing and safeguarding the shared understanding and trust between the two people.

And, as confirmed by several studies 3, a satisfying sex life also enhances the health and wellbeing of both people. “Regular sexual activity can positively affect physical health, from improved heart health to reduced pain sensitivity,” psychiatrist and professor Ryan Sultan M.D. tells mindbodygreen.

How to tell it’s time to spice things up

Despite the impact that gratifying sex has on both individual wellbeing and the health of a romantic relationship, sometimes even the most loving relationships can fall into a sexual rut.

“It’s when sex becomes a routine rather than an exploration, a task rather than a joy,” remarks Prihandito. And this can happen for a number of reasons—lack of privacy, work or life stress, health issues, or a temporary shift in priorities—but a sexual rut can become an indicator of more significant problems when there is an underlying emotional disconnect or unaddressed conflict between partners.

“Sexual issues become red flags when accompanied by emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or unresolved conflicts. Sex is often a mirror of the health of the relationship. If the reflection reveals disconnection or discontent, it’s a clear sign of deeper underlying issues that need your attention,” says Prihandito.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Veronica Cisneros LMFT, if a couple has always struggled with physical intimacy, or if there are resentment and unresolved conflicts negatively impacting the emotional connection, the bedroom problems may be symptoms of a more significant issue.

“A good way to determine this is if one or both partners are guilty of using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in times of conflict. These are what the Gottman’s call the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they’re Gottman’s predictors of divorce,” she adds.

However, if the relationship is generally healthy, with both partners feeling emotionally connected, it may simply be time to revitalize their intimate moments.

Signs of a sexual rut

A sexual rut happens in most long-term relationships where comfort and familiarity can dull the sexual spark. Signs that it may be time to spice things up:

  • Complete absence of any and all sexual exchange between the partners
  • An increasing disinterest in sexual intimacy from both parties and lengthening intervals between sexual encounters
  • Post-sex, there is a sense of dissatisfaction, whether sexual, emotional, or physical
  • There is a lack of spontaneity. Like any other regularly scheduled chore, it happens on the same day of the week, at the same time, and in the same place, most probably the bedroom
  • Even as you get intimate, there is an emotional distance with little to no eye contact, shared laughter, tender attentiveness, and no lingering post-coital
  • The intimate experiences lack novelty. It’s the same position every time. The progression and pace are uninspired, leading to an encounter that feels almost scripted
  • You’re not fully present during intimacy, with your thoughts straying towards daily chores or future plans
  • You are having erotic fantasies about someone other than your partner
  • A decline in relationship satisfaction accompanied by a noticeable emotional distance
  • Sex happens not out of an active desire, but as an obligation or to keep up the facade of normalcy
  • Frequent reminiscing over past sexual encounters and longing to repeat the experience
  • No open, exciting discussions around sexual desires, fantasies, and needs
  • You feel unattractive and wonder if your partner is still invested in the relationship

How to spice up your sex life

Let’s dive into some creative solutions to spicing up your sex life. To some extent, each method requires stepping away from your comfort zone. However, the strategies are also respectful and suitable for a loving relationship.

1. Open and honest sexual communication

A 2019 study4 from The Journal of Sex Research shares that communication about sexual matters is vital to cultivating and maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic. Often, sexual issues happen because the couple is reluctant to openly express their sexual needs.

Sexual communication involves sharing sexual preferences and boundaries, desired sexual activities, and past sexual experiences. When partners are convinced they can safely talk about sex and related experiences, good or bad, with each other, it positively impacts sexual and relationship satisfaction.

“Make time to talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires, needs, and fantasies. Pay attention to any insecurities or fears you have about communicating. This open dialogue is crucial for understanding what you and your partner need to feel fulfilled in the bedroom,” Cisneros advises.

And as sex and relationship coach, and professor of sexual and relational communication Tara Suwinyattichaiporn Ph.D., notes, sexual communication can also help when age begins to interfere with performance. “Talking openly about desires and when they change can create a better understanding of each other’s sexuality,” she says.

2. Explore different positions

“Just like you add various spices to keep your meals exciting, you need to do the same for your sex life,” says Cisneros. Forget about missionary, experiment with different sexual positions—it will break the monotony and help you escape the sexual rut.

Certain positions can allow for deeper penetration, clitoral and prostate stimulation, and G-spot engagement, leading to heightened pleasure during sex. The more challenging positions will allow you to explore your partner’s body as if for the first time. This heightened physical awareness may also lead to renewed feelings of closeness and intimacy.

As you plan new positions to try, the vibe between you will shift. It will have an element of anticipation, excitement, and playfulness. It will go from routine to thrilling

3. Dive into the world of BDSM

To really shake things up and add new, intriguing layers to your relationship, try BDSM. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that those who enjoy BDSM are socially well-adjusted. BDSM also has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction.

It is an exciting way for partners to explore their limits and boundaries, venture into new sensual territories, and experience a level of physical and psychological stimulation that’s very different from what you get from traditional sexual activities.

Due to its nature, to indulge in BDSM, couples have to trust each other and communicate actively. There is an intentional vulnerability to BDSM, deepening the emotional connection between the partners. As you explore new fantasies, scenarios, and avenues of sexual expression, the romantic bond between the two people comes alive with excitement and a pulsing anticipation that can completely reinvigorate the relationship.

4. Try a new location

You can switch things up by having sex in a location other than the bedroom. For your next intimate encounter, consider booking a hotel room. You could also have sex in your car or in different places in your house.

For an added thrill, you can try sex in a public place. As long as you’re safe and not at any risk of getting arrested, the element of danger can make things very exciting.

5. Restart your relationship

Act as if you are once again courting your partner. Rekindle the sexual spark by returning to a time in your relationship when each day was about some new, exciting discovery. There was flirting, teasing, and the thrill of anticipation.

“At the beginning of a relationship, we passionately and intensely pursue our partners to attract them,” couples therapist Kimberlin Shepard, LMSW tells mindbodygreen. “If you once wore lingerie all the time, dig it back out! Plan date nights. Get all dolled up, go out to drinks, dinner, or a movie, and then come home and have steamy, hot sex,” she adds.

Engage in playful banter and give lavish compliments. Remind your partner that to you, there is no one more attractive. Rebuild comfort by showing physical affection and indulging in non-sexual touch.

6. Watch erotic movies together

“Taking inspiration from pornography or erotica can be a great way to spice things up,” says Norén. As you sit through an erotic movie, you will feel yourselves getting aroused, and as the film progresses, the sexual tension will escalate. When you turn off the TV, the tension will be released in an explosive, passionate, and fiery union.

7. Use sex toys

Studies indicate that using vibrators can enhance sexual satisfaction for both partners. For men, vibrators can also boost sexual performance, while for women, they make it easier to orgasm.

There are a variety of other sex toys available on the market that can enhance sexual experiences. The toys can be part of BDSM practices or role-playing scenarios. Apart from fun and excitement, planning the use of sex toys also leads to more focused sexual communication.

8.Try a sensual massage

Sensual massage can be a powerful tool to reconnect with your partner physically and, once again, explore their body with intent and focus. The stroking touch not only soothes but also stimulates.

Soft music in the background, sweet-smelling incense, dim lighting, and no interruptions can combine to create a sanctuary free from all stress and distraction, and suddenly, your world narrows to your partner and the pleasure you can share. As you massage your partner, it reminds you of how much you’ve always enjoyed caring for them, and you will be mentally relieving fond memories.

9. Play sex-related games

Bring fun back to your relationship through games focused on sex.

As you try to reestablish your sexual connection, begin with moments of friendship and shared laughter. It will remove all the stress and maybe even inhibitions if you’re playing strip poker or sexual truth and dare. You can also try couple’s cards, board, and dice games easily available on the market.

“Create small challenges or dares for each other to make it exciting. Ask your partner to identify things you are currently doing that drive them crazy in the bedroom. Ask them what feels good and what they want more of,” Cisneros advises.

10. Wear lingerie

A visual and tactical stimulant, lingerie can reignite passion in a relationship. It creates anticipation as it teases and tantalizes your partner.

Wearing lingerie can make you feel confident and alluring, making it easier to be bold and not only ask for what you want sexually but also deliver on your partner’s expectations. It is more than just a piece of clothing; It’s symbolic of your commitment to making things better and an invitation to a deeper sexual connection.

11. Practice spiritual sex

A way to completely step away from your usual practice is by combining sex with spirituality. It will enhance emotional and sexual closeness and elevate your connection to something sacred that demands respect and careful nourishment.

You can practice spiritual sex by cleansing the sexual environment. Begin by removing all clutter so energy flows freely, light incense to create positivity, use light colors for the bedding and, if possible, also for the walls and the decor. Let the natural elements, like sunlight and fresh air, enter the space.

Initiate intimacy by anointing each other’s bodies with oil. Make sacred vows and renew your commitment to each other. Indulge in mindful lovemaking with steady eye contact. Move at a slow, gentle pace. Touch each other with reverence. Together, these steps will add more emotional depth to the sexual exchange, forging an emotional bond that goes beyond the physical act of love.

12. Merge creativity and adventure with sex

Infuse elements of spontaneity, adventure, and novelty in your sexual moments.

Engaging in activities that raise adrenaline levels, like bungee jumping, roller coaster rides, or even workout challenges, can mimic the physiological arousal of sexual excitement, and when you experience them together, they increase the sexual attraction between a couple. Sex that follows such events is usually more heated and exciting.

Similarly, you can break the mold of predictability and routine through creative activities like sex paintings and by drawing temporary tattoos on each other’s bodies.

13. Try the sexual thrill of role-play

We all have characters we love and wish to emulate, which can be the key to adding some adventure and excitement to your sex life. As part of role play, we can assume a persona that either excites us or our partner, create exciting scenarios, and meet up with our significant other as if for the first time. When you shed your actual identity, you also leave behind your inhibitions and the stress that is so much a part of your daily life. Pretending to be someone else creates a sense of safety, allowing you to enact fantasies you’ve never shared with your partner.

This form of imaginative engagement helps partners see each other in a new light, discovering aspects of one another’s character that adds new dimensions to their sexual attraction. The thrill of being someone else adds to the sexual tension, making intimacy more charged and exhilarating.

14. Experiment with temperature play

Temperature play is an erotic practice that uses heat or cold to stimulate the body. It is a form of sensory play that introduces a variety of new physical sensations to sex. You can use heated oils, ice cubes, and massage candles. Specially designed toys are also available; these toys can be chilled or heated.

Switching from cold to hot can surprise the partner and stimulate nerves, increasing sensitivity. Such sexual play requires mutual trust, communication, and an open mind. These create a sense of shared adventure and exploration by leading the couple away from their comfort zones.

15. Combine food and sex

As part of foreplay, enhance the sensory experience by using edible items. Your items’ different tastes, textures, and aromas can stimulate the senses and add a layer of excitement and freshness to a sexual experience.

During the act, you can feed each other and experiment with temperature using chilled fruits or warm chocolate. You can also use edible underwear or paint. Such erotic practices encourage partners to be fully present as they engage with their partners and create some exciting new memories.

16. Create a sexual wish list

Create a list of sexual things, fantasies, kinks and experiences you want to explore. It can be anything from trying a new position, location, or toy to something more adventurous like role-playing, temperature play, or joining a nude retreat. The act of discussing and creating the list can be pretty arousing. It will improve communication and shift each partner’s perception of their relationship and each other. It will also introduce new and exciting possibilities for their future together.

On a more practical level, a sexual bucket list can serve as a roadmap that will create momentum and keep you going on this journey to a better sex life.

17. Try sensory deprivation

In sensory deprivation sex, by restricting one or more senses, you amplify the pleasure received from the senses that remain active. For instance, if you blindfold your partner and deprive them of visual stimulation, they’ll fully tune into their environment and what they can feel happening to and around their body. Every touch will be unexpected, heightening the thrill and anticipation. They will feel each whisper, kiss, lick, and stroke more intensely. While they’re blindfolded, you can also use objects like oils, feathers, or toys like vibrators to stimulate your partner. It will keep them on tenterhooks, trying to guess what will follow.

“It’s a journey of rediscovery, where vulnerability meets creativity, and intimacy is reimagined,” says Prihandito.

Through sensory deprivation, you can ensure your partner’s attention remains centered on you. Use tools like blindfolds, headphones, and restraints to limit your partner’s sight, sound, or movement, adding excitement to the encounter and fostering a deeper trust between partners.

18. Indulge in extended foreplay

Foreplay involves exploring your partner, expressing your desire for them, and building sexual tension, all adding more nuance to intimate moments. It is all about affectionate exchanges, sharing desires and fantasies, making out, and going only so far and no more. It prepares the body and mind and sets an emotional stage for a deeper sexual connection. This lazy exploration helps in understanding what excites and pleases each partner.

“Remember, not all forms of physical intimacy lead to sex, but they can create an atmosphere of sensuality. Cuddle, hold hands and exchange massages. This physical closeness can create a natural segue into sexual intimacy,” Cisneros tells mindbodygreen.

Extended foreplay can go on for days, whipping the partners into a sexual frenzy. It can include sexting, teasing with seductive lingerie, ‘accidental’ touches that are anything but, raunchy messages, and dirty talk. The couple can also indulge in erotic games. This prolonged phase of intimate interaction makes partners more receptive and responsive during the act. It allows you to savor each moment and revel in the undercurrent of attraction and arousal.

19. Establish a deeper emotional connection

“Strengthening emotional intimacy can enhance the connection in the bedroom,” says Sultan.

Repair your sexual relationship by rekindling your emotional bond. Make yourself vulnerable. Allow your partner to see into your heart by openly and honestly sharing your feelings, hopes, and dreams for their future as a couple. Invite them to speak their mind and share their feelings. Listen attentively and with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to draw them out.

Show them appreciation for the love and laughter they have brought into your life. “Regularly expressing gratitude can create a positive emotional environment, which can be incredibly freeing sexually,” shares Cisneros.

You can even revisit your old haunts and recreate moments of emotional significance to your partner. Emotional closeness will allow for a more relaxed and intimate exploration of each other’s bodies and desires, leading to a more satisfying and adventurous sex life.

20. Work with a professional

If none of the strategies proves helpful or seems to not be to your taste or violate any of your boundaries, it is best to work with a sex therapist, counselor, or coach. It is especially helpful if your partner resists attempts to improve the relationship.

Besides providing tools, techniques, and guidance to repair your sexual connection, an experienced professional can help you identify if the sexual rut is pointing to a more profound relationship issue.

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What Is a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Relationship in Non-Monogamy?

— And can it actually work?

By Gigi Engle

One of the most interesting things about consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is its fluidity. These relationship structures are co-created by partners in order to establish a situation that works for them and their needs, which means that each CNM partnership functions in its own unique ways.

While CNM’s key tenants tend to emphasize openness, communication, and honesty, what this looks like for any given consensually non-monogamous partnership will vary. And for some couples in open relationships, that means not wanting to know anything about what their partners do (sexually/romantically) with other people. Like, at all.

Enter: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Not to be confused with the hugely controversial US military policy that discriminated against the LGBTQ community until its 2011 repeal, a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) policy in consensual non-monogamy refers to the way partners communicate—or, rather, don’t communicate—about sexual or romantic experiences outside of their relationship.

DADT “is different from other non-monogamous agreements in that it prioritizes a lack of transparency between partners, which goes against the openness and honesty that is typically encouraged in non-monogamy,” says polyamory educator and sex positive advocate Leanne Yau, founder of Poly Philia. This means that partners agree to have sex with and/or date people outside of their relationship, but they don’t disclose those experiences to each other.

The question is: Can these arrangements work for people? And if so, how?

Let’s take a deep dive into what a DADT relationship really is, how it works, and any potential issues that can come up as a result of having an agreement like this—because, spoiler alert, such issues are, uh, not not a possibility.

What is DADT and how does it work?

As we’ve established, DADT means you’re allowed to have sex with people outside of your relationship, but you don’t talk about it with your primary partner. “[It is] a principle used by CNM people so that they can experience freedom from the typical monogamous expectation of sexual exclusivity, but without needing to make clear agreements or practices of transparency,” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, CSE, a qualitative researcher who focuses on non-monogamy.

Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory, says it’s important to understand that this is *not* the same as cheating. While DADT does mean not telling your partners about the sex you have with other people, everyone is consenting to the arrangement. “Before you and your partner ever sleep with someone else, you have a sit-down conversation where you make it clear that it is acceptable to sleep with other people under certain circumstances,” Zane says. “And when you do sleep with other people, you do not tell your partner.”

For a DADT arrangement to work, all people involved need to be on board. This means that not only do the primary partners agree to it, but their outside partners also need to be aware of and consent to the DADT agreement. Informed consent is the only way to have ethical non-monogamous dynamics.

Can Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policies really function in a healthy way?

Basically, these agreements can work for some people…if they’re willing to communicate. This may seem paradoxical given that the whole idea of DADT is that you don’t share details with your partner. But in order for a DADT policy to actually work, clear negotiation is crucial. Hamilton says that without communication, the seemingly simple rule of “just don’t tell me anything” can get confusing pretty quickly.

The level at which non-disclosure functions will depend on your relationship boundaries. “A person might ask their partner that they don’t even tell them the basics, such as when they’re going on a date with another person—after all, ignorance can be bliss,” says Yau. “At the extreme end of DADT, a person might just want to pretend that they and their partner are monoamorous, and that there are no other people involved.”

Zane says that these arrangements tend to work best when sex outside the relationship is done sparingly, if one or both partners travels frequently, or if partners are long-distance. “Often, DADTs have a rule that you can only have sex when out of the state,” he explains. “This works well when one partner travels a lot for work. Additionally, the other partner won’t ever ‘run into’ the person their spouse slept with out of state, which can cause drama.”

What are the downsides of DADT arrangements?

Hate to break it to you, but these policies can certainly become problematic. This is especially true if the agreement requires lying about where you were or who you were with in order to avoid disclosing details of outside relationships.

“I think if you find yourself in a situation where you have to lie to your partner about what (and who) you did consistently, this will lead to problems,” Zane says. “Additionally, a partner can start to second guess their spouse’s whereabouts, which can make you become obsessive, resentful, and anxious.”

Basically, it comes down to how your agreement functions in your particular partnership. Surprise: DADT tends to cause issues if you’re using it to avoid the work of dealing with your feelings. “Non-monogamy requires significant emotional work, and avoiding that doesn’t solve the issue,” Yau says.

Hamilton agrees, saying that the lack of communication that is usually present with a DADT can leave couples feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, always unclear of the rules or if they might be breaking them. This can lead to some pretty precarious situations that can be very hard to overcome.

It’s all about intentions, right? If you have a DADT because you simply aren’t interested in knowing about your partner’s other sexual and/or romantic relationships, that’s one thing, but if you have a DADT to avoid difficult feelings, that could be a potential pitfall.

“There is a distinction between partners who don’t want to have that much information about each other’s partners because they simply aren’t interested to know, and partners who are doing it because they want to pretend that it isn’t happening and want to bury their heads in the sand,” Yau says.

If you and your partner want a DADT agreement, here are 3 ways to make it work

Have a crystal clear agreement

Relationship therapist Rea Pearson, a sex-positive BACP-accredited counselor and clinical sexologist, says that couples should literally sit down and write their agreement out. This gives everyone a chance to think through the details and set boundaries. “The agreement would include all the major rules and boundaries that are important to them, but can be reviewed and amended as time goes on. It might include areas such as whether sex is protected or not, and how often partners test for STIs,” she says. It may also include how often partners can see other people, how much time is allotted for other partners, and certain spaces that are off-limits, such as the shared home.

Consider *why* you want this

It’s important to spend some time honestly thinking about your intentions for wanting an agreement like this. Be willing to self-reflect. Hamilton says that she doesn’t encourage clients to enter into DADT agreements because it impacts their ability to grow together.

“If what you want is to be able to pretend that your partner isn’t who they are, I’d encourage you to consider what that will feel like in a year or five,” she says. “If you’re in a short-term situation, then consider if this is how you want to practice relating, because if you get used to making clear, explicit agreements with partners it becomes easier and easier,” she says. “If you practice DADT, you don’t give yourself that opportunity.” Essentially, a DADT can work in a short-term framework, but it rarely has legs to stand the test of time.

Be willing to renegotiate

Lastly, it’s important to understand that just because you have a DADT policy in your relationship doesn’t mean it will always work for you (and, in fact, they rarely do). CNM dynamics deserve to be interrogated. Couples should come back to the table regularly to revisit agreements that are in place and determine if they’re still working for everyone involved. Pearson suggests having a weekly check in. “By checking in regularly, [partners] are far more likely to recognize a problem early on and be able to tackle it before it escalates,” she says.

Being open and willing to change or alter dynamics allows consensually non-monogamous relationships to continue to exist in harmony. While a DADT agreement can work, endeavoring to move to a place of more openness and honesty is likely the best course of action if you want your relationship to, well, stay a relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Sexual Health Matters

— An Essential Aspect of Overall Well-Being

By

Regarding our overall well-being, it is crucial not to overlook sexual health. While physical and mental health often take the spotlight, we must not underestimate the importance of sexual health in maintaining a fully functional life. It impacts our physical well-being and plays a significant role in emotional stability. Therefore, prioritizing this aspect of our well-being is essential. In this blog post, we will delve into how good sexual health contributes to a healthier lifestyle.

1. Contributes to Longevity

Good sexual health can remarkably contribute to longevity. Regular sexual activity has been linked to an extended lifespan, promoting physical health in many ways. It works as a form of exercise, burning calories, and strengthening muscles, and it can also boost the immune system, helping the body fend off illness and disease.

Furthermore, it stimulates the release of endorphins and other hormones with myriad health benefits, such as reducing stress, improving sleep, and enhancing heart health. The doctors at Atlanta Men’s Clinic usually recommend regular sexual activity for their patients, which can significantly contribute to a longer and healthier life. Testosterone therapy, a treatment for low testosterone levels, is also known to improve sexual health and overall well-being.

2. Enhances Emotional Connection

Sexual activity can foster a deep emotional connection, especially with an intimate partner. During sex, our bodies release oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of bonding and trust. This strengthens the bond between partners and helps improve overall mental well-being.

Moreover, regular sexual activity can boost self-esteem and confidence, leading to a more positive outlook. For individuals struggling with mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, incorporating good sexual health practices can significantly impact their emotional well-being. It allows for a safe and intimate space to connect with another person, which can be incredibly therapeutic.

3. Prevents Sexual Dysfunction

Maintaining good sexual health plays a pivotal role in preventing sexual dysfunction. This is an umbrella term for conditions that prevent an individual from enjoying or participating in sexual activity. These conditions include erectile dysfunction, low libido, premature ejaculation among men, arousal disorders, orgasmic disorders, and sexual pain disorders among women.

Regular sexual activity can increase blood flow to the genitals, which can help prevent or alleviate erectile dysfunction. Moreover, maintaining a healthy lifestyle – incorporating exercise, balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, and reduced stress levels – can notably improve sexual performance and prevent dysfunction. Regular check-ups with medical professionals can also help identify and treat underlying issues.

4. Promotes Communication and Consent

Good sexual health practices also involve open and honest communication with sexual partners. Conversations about boundaries, desires, and consent can create a safe space for both individuals to express themselves freely. This not only leads to a more fulfilling sex life but also promotes healthy relationships.

Furthermore, being aware of one’s sexual health and practicing safe sex is crucial in preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Regular STI screenings, protection, and vaccination can significantly reduce the risk of contracting or spreading infections.

5. Promotes Heart Health

Sexual activity serves as a form of exercise that promotes heart health. During sexual activity, the heart rate rises, increasing blood circulation throughout the body, including the heart itself, thereby strengthening the cardiovascular system. It also helps lower blood pressure, a key factor in heart disease prevention.

In addition, engaging in sexual activity releases hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which can effectively alleviate stress and anxiety, thereby promoting heart health. Given that stress and anxiety are recognized as risk factors for heart disease, reducing these factors can significantly lower the likelihood of developing cardiac problems. Therefore, incorporating regular sexual activity into a well-rounded lifestyle can play a vital role in maintaining a healthy heart.

6. Improves Sleep Quality

Sexual activity has been linked to improved sleep quality due to the release of certain hormones. Post orgasm, the body releases prolactin, a hormone that contributes to feelings of relaxation and sleepiness. Moreover, the previously mentioned oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone,’ fosters emotional bonding and promotes better sleep.

This is because oxytocin counteracts the effects of cortisol, the stress hormone, thus helping the body to relax and enabling more restful sleep. Additionally, the physical exertion associated with sexual activity can contribute to better sleep, as it can help tire the body out, making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. Therefore, regular sexual activity can benefit good sleep hygiene, contributing to more restful and rejuvenating sleep.

Sexual health should not be overlooked when it comes to maintaining overall well-being. Incorporating good sexual health practices into our daily lives can improve physical, emotional, and relational well-being. Whether it is through regular sexual activity, communication, and consent with partners, or prioritizing medical check-ups, taking care of our sexual health can have a positive impact on our overall health and longevity. So, let us not underestimate the importance of sexual health and make it a priority in our self-care routines.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Ways To Master The Psychology Of Enhanced Sexual Pleasure

By Mark Travers

Sexual satisfaction refers to the level of contentment, pleasure and fulfillment experienced during a sexual encounter. It is a complex and individual experience, influenced by a variety of emotional and psychological factors that extend beyond the physical act itself.

It is essential to recognize that sexual satisfaction is an ever-evolving aspect of the human experience and can be developed, nurtured and enhanced over time. Optimal sexual experiences are closely linked to relationship satisfaction and individual well-being. This has prompted researchers to examine the psychological qualities and practices that could potentially augment them.

Here are three ways to improve sexual satisfaction, according to research.

1. The Sensual Improves The Sexual

A 2020 study highlights the role of sensuality, which involves a heightened awareness of the five senses of touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing, in intensifying sexual satisfaction.

Other research suggests that “sexual mindfulness,” the practice of being fully engaged in the present moment during a sexual experience, can enhance pleasure, communication and emotional connection with a partner.

According to researcher Chelom Leavitt, sexual mindfulness involves slowing down and taking time to savor the sensations you and your partner are experiencing, instead of rushing the process and focusing solely on the end goal of an orgasm. For instance, focusing on your partner’s voice, their scent, the texture of their skin or how it feels to be held by them can help you become more fully immersed in the process.

Additionally, a 2021 study found that experiencing a “flow state” during sex results in greater sexual satisfaction for both partners. The flow state, often referred to as “being in the zone,” is a mental state of optimal performance and complete absorption in a meaningful activity.

Partners may be able to achieve flow by discussing ways to make their environment free of distractions. Flow also occurs when individuals have a clear understanding of the goal of an activity (which would be connection and presence during a sexual experience) and receive encouraging feedback through it, which could be facilitated through positive communication about how each partner is feeling in the process.

2. Let Curiosity Drive Sexual Experimentation

Curiosity and the power of imagination have also been linked to heightened sexual satisfaction, specifically for individuals with secure attachment styles. Researchers suggest that getting curious about sexual responses, needs, preferences and fantasies that you and your partner have can enhance your sexual experiences together.

Curiosity leads to experiencing greater intimacy. By asking questions and opening up to each other about sexual desires, partners can indulge their shared or individual erotic fantasies, experiencing both emotional acceptance and physical safety, which creates a more empowering and satisfying sexual experience.

According to a 2015 study, using your imagination even outside of the bedroom, such as simply daydreaming about your partner, contributes to feelings of love and connection, which can heighten sexual intimacy.

3. Come As You Are

A 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy found that displaying authenticity, vulnerability and trust in a relationship has the power to transform sexual intimacy.

Researchers suggest that establishing trust involves partners being reliable, respectful and communicating openly about sexual preferences, boundaries, concerns and desires without facing judgment from either end.

Further, vulnerability lies in shedding pretenses and choosing to show one’s true self with a partner. Often, sex becomes an insincere performance, where we may be adhering to societal expectations of how to look and behave, which takes away from being authentically present and connected with oneself and one’s partner.

A 2019 study found that the perceived pressure to be perfect is linked to decreased sexual satisfaction. Breaking down mental barriers around sex then involves unlearning internal messages such as sexual desire as being shameful or solely functional and remembering that our needs matter too. This allows for authentic enjoyment and communication, where individuals can learn what their partners need and also allow themselves to receive love and pleasure.

Acceptance of one’s own body, desires and a positive self-image also contribute to a sense of confidence and comfort during intimate moments. Encouraging a partner’s positive self-perception further enhances the overall sexual experience. An emotionally supportive connection becomes the stepping stone to greater satisfaction in all facets of a relationship.

Conclusion

Sexual satisfaction is not just a physical experience, but an emotional one. Learning to cultivate mindfulness and emotional intimacy through curiosity, vulnerability and authenticity can help individuals let go of societal expectations and focus on enjoyment and genuine connection.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My husband is 15 years older than me.

— Here’s what I wish I knew about age-gap relationships before we started dating.

The author and her partner.

By Brittany VanDerBill

  • My husband is 14 years older than me, and we started dating when I was 20.
  • I wish I’d known I’d lose friends because of the relationship.
  • We also had several awkward interactions with strangers as an age-gap couple.

When I started dating my husband back in 2007, we’d known each other for several years. Actually, his brother married my sister, which is how we met. That presents its own challenges, but we also have a 14-year age gap.

Our age-gap relationship brought its own challenges, too, although I didn’t really anticipate them when we first started dating. Here’s what I wish I knew about age-gap relationships back then.

I wish I knew some of my friends weren’t going to be supportive — and that I’d lose some

I was 20 and about to enter my senior year of college when my husband, Andy, and I first started dating. He was 34. Even though my friends knew he and I had known each other for years, most of them weren’t supportive of our relationship.

One so-called friend kept making jokes about how “old” he was. We didn’t stay friends very long. Another friend wasn’t quite so harsh, but she did express her concerns about our age difference. She and I message each other occasionally now, but we’re definitely not close.

There was only one friend from high school who was fairly supportive at first, taking trips back to our hometown with me so I could visit Andy. Eventually, though, she and I stopped hanging out as I got more serious about my relationship and spent more time with Andy.

Making new friends would be difficult as a couple because we were in different age groups

Part of being in your 20s usually means big changes, such as graduating from college and getting a job in the “real world.” Looking back, I’m sure growing apart from my college friends was just part of life — it wasn’t all because of my relationship.

But as I graduated from college and moved in with Andy after about eight months of dating, I quickly realized just how different our friends’ life stages were. My old friends were still working part time or partying (or both) after I moved away from college.

Meanwhile, Andy’s friends were in their mid-to-late 30s with stable jobs or farming careers, and most of them had small children. Since I basically had no friends in our area, we would sometimes hang out with Andy’s friends and their spouses on weekends. But that wasn’t fun for me, as they’d all known each other for years and were roughly the same age.

Plus, we’d chosen not to have kids. So, I couldn’t — and honestly didn’t want to — relate to their wives’ conversations about the struggles of pregnancy and raising children. They were all nice people, but I just felt really out of place with that group. For a long time, we really didn’t have any shared friends, and that was hard.

Age-gap relationships come with some awkward moments

These days, I think our age gap is slightly less noticeable now I’m in my 30s. But when I was 20, and we were first dating, there were some awkward moments due to assumptions from other people.

For example, Andy’s cousin’s young child once outright asked if I was Andy’s daughter at a family gathering. Another time, at a local store, some old acquaintance of Andy’s asked some weird questions about how I was doing in school. It took me a minute, but I finally figured out he assumed I was Andy’s daughter.

Both situations were awkward — for everyone.

I wish I had known earlier that age-gap relationships get better with time

It could have been helpful to know that I’d grow apart from friends, at least in part because of my relationship with an older man. And being prepared not to have many friends for a few years after getting married would have been helpful, too. But I also wish I’d known that our relationship would get even better and stronger over time despite those initial challenges.

Today, we’ve found friends that we both like and can relate to. Andy has kept in touch with his friends, and now that their kids are much older, it’s more enjoyable for me to hang out with that group once in a while. And thankfully, no one has asked whether I’m Andy’s daughter in several years.

So at 14 years of marriage and counting, I think we’re doing pretty well.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The book on erotica

— Sharing erotica stories can be a way for older couples to rekindle the romantic spark.

By

Many adults continue to enjoy active sexual lives well into their 70s and beyond. However, it’s common for couples to fall into ruts. One way to spice things up — and perhaps strengthen your relationship in the process — is to read erotica together.

“Reading and listening stimulates your largest sexual organ: your brain,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Reading erotica as a couple creates a safe environment to communicate desires and explore fantasies together. You are allowing yourself to go to an exciting place that feels outside your comfort zone, and it can be a wonderful way to break up your bedroom routine.”

What’s in a name?

Erotica is not the same as pornography. Whereas pornography is primarily visual and not very creative, erotica can be more evocative and verbal and allow you to participate mentally and emotionally.

“Erotica is about stimulating sexual desire through storytelling, imagery, fantasy, and language,” says Dr. Bober. “It’s about setting a mood and slowly building a response. Ultimately erotica is focused on building arousal and anticipation.”

How should couples begin to explore erotica? Dr. Bober says the first step is to broach the topic with your partner. “It’s rarely a good idea to suddenly surprise your partner with something that might feel a little uncomfortable or outside of one’s regular comfort zone,” she says. “Phrase it in terms of how it’s something you want to try together and ask your partner whether this is something they would be interested in. And ask your partner to share their thoughts about it.”

For instance, say, “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us, and here is something that might be fun to explore together. Is it okay to talk about it?” You can slowly approach the topic without intimidating your partner by asking for permission. “In this way, erotica can feel less taboo and something more normal, fun, and healthy to try,” says Dr. Bober.

Checking out a reading list

Next, choose erotica to sample together. Erotica is more popular than ever, and older adults have become a growing demographic. Nowadays there now are many erotic novels, erotica-focused websites, and short story anthologies available that cater specifically to older adults. (You can find a wide editorial selection with a general Internet search and via websites for publishing houses and booksellers.)

“One aspect of the erotica experience can be discovering different types and styles together to see what you both enjoy or find interesting to explore,” says Dr. Bober.

She suggests beginning by reading a short story together. “Have one person read aloud, or take turns, or just read to yourselves and then share your response,” says Dr. Bober. “Short stories are ideal because if it’s something you or your partner don’t find stimulating or interesting, you can go to the next one.” Another option is to listen to an erotic audiobook or podcast together.

Keep in mind that it may take time to find something you both enjoy. “Be patient and don’t get discouraged if nothing clicks right away,” says Dr. Bober.

As you become more comfortable, sharing erotica can carry over to your sexual relationship, but don’t force it. “Erotica can be used as foreplay or just something enjoyable you share together without any expectations,” says Dr. Bober. “Have fun with it and see where it takes you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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TikTok is talking about sex dry spells.

— So, how do you get out of a slump?

Sex slumps happen. Here’s how to reconnect.

By Anna Iovine

So, you haven’t had sex in a while. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, no sex can be troublesome — and with social media showing everyone’s highlight reel, you can feel like you’re the only one. The good news is, you’re absolutely not; TikTok has over 35 million videos related to “dry spells,” for example. And, luckily, there are steps you can take to help. Mashable spoke to three experts about what to do if you’re in a sex slump.

Why do dry spells happen?

There’s a slew of reasons why sex slumps or dry spells occur, including individual, medical, and relational reasons, said sex therapist, expert for sex toy brand LELO, and author of Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz. For instance, medications like SSRIs can decrease interest in sex, as can physical and psychological reasons, like pelvic pain or depression. Sexual pain is often a hidden driver of a slump, she said; sex shouldn’t hurt, so if it does, see a doctor.

Issues like being too busy, chronic stress, insomnia, and body image issues can also lead to a lack of sex. Within relationships, anger and resentment (whether large or small), or feeling either disconnected or too connected (like siblings) can as well, Mintz continued. Other issues like sexual boredom and not enjoying sex can result in sexual disinterest, too.;

“To understand the reason for a dry spell it’s important to understand that our sex life is a very sensitive creature, which responds to what is transpiring in our lives in general,” said Julia Svirid, in-house sex coach at sex education platform Beducated. Unresolved issues like those mentioned above, as well as mismatched libidos or desires, can lead to a dry spell.

On the other hand, dry spells can occur even if there’s no issues in the relationship. If you have a lack of free time or are experiencing a major life change — like moving or having a baby — that can contribute to the lack of sex too.

Take a moment to admit you’re going through a dry spell and miss sex, said Svirid. “There is nothing wrong with you,” she said. “Single people experience sex slumps all the time too.”

Ask yourself what’s stopping you from having sex. Here are some questions Svirid offered:

  • Did you have negative sexual experiences in the past, and now you are afraid of being intimate?
  • Are you unsure where or how to find a partner?
  • Have you forgotten how the “sex game” works because you have been out of it for so long?

Whatever the reason, Svirid said, addressing it can help you move forward.

You don’t have to do this work on your own; professionals like sex therapists can help you. “If underlying issues persist, it’s advisable to consider sex therapy or consult a healthcare professional for medical concerns,” said sexologist at Bedbible Rhiannon John. “Therapy can be beneficial for both individuals and couples, depending on the underlying issues, and it can provide support through medical challenges as well.”

John also advised prioritizing self-care to reduce stress and enhance your overall well-being. This includes getting enough sleep, movement, and nutritious foods, and maybe even some meditation.

Don’t forget to masturbate, either. Mintz recommends reading, watching, or listening to erotica to get your interest going. Invest in your pleasure with sex toys and lube; you don’t need a partner to enjoy those!

“Take time to explore your own desires and fantasies through self-pleasure or self-discovery,” John concurred. “This can be through masturbation, or through sexual mediums such as erotica, or ethical pornography.”

How to get out of a dry spell if you’re partnered

Communication is always the first step to solving a couple’s sexual problem, said Mintz. Talk about it outside the bedroom. Here’s a script she provided:

I want to talk to you about something that’s a bit scary to discuss. However, I love you and want our relationship to be the best it can be and so I am bringing this up. I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having sex as much lately. Our sexual relationship is important to me, and I want us to figure this out and work on it.

Then, talk about the reasons the dry spell may be occurring, whether they’re specific to your relationship (i.e. resentment) or not (i.e. stress). Once again, you may find a therapist (general or a sex-specific therapist) helpful to work out issues. If therapy is inaccessible, there are other educational resources out there like books — such as Mintz’s — and sites like Beducated.

“Both partners should be willing to make changes and put in some effort,” said Svirid.

Make sex a priority by committing time and energy to it. Mintz suggested scheduling sex — it may take away the spontaneity, but it can assure you and your partner will get some sexy time in, and it can build anticipation. You may find that you’re too tired to have sex at night; do so in the morning or afternoon if possible.

If you have children, perhaps you can find time to have sex when they’re at an extracurricular activity or with their grandparents. Hire a babysitter and instead of going out to dinner, book a hotel room, Mintz said.

Try new things, be it toys, kinks (if you’re both into that), or erotica — especially if boredom is the main reason behind the slump. Let go of what sex “should” look like, be it spontaneous or penis-in-vagina, and instead focus on each other and your pleasure.

But don’t forget emotional intimacy, either. John recommends scheduling date nights or other intimate moments that allow you to reconnect on a deeper level. This will strengthen the emotional bond between you two. There are other ways to maintain intimacy besides sex, as well. “Even if sex is less frequent, continue to nurture emotional intimacy through cuddling, hugging, and affectionate gestures,” said John.

“The most important thing,” Svirid said, “is to be honest with each other and for both of you to be willing to make changes.”

Understand that sex slumps are normal, Svirid continued, and not having a ton of sex doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship. Mintz said the sooner these issues are addressed, the better, however, so issues don’t snowball.

“If you expect your sex life to always remain the same, no matter what, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment,” Svirid said. Just as you and your partner will change as individuals over time, so will your relationship and so will your sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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There’s more to sex than having an orgasm

– Men need to understand that

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’

By

There’s nothing quite like the expression on a man’s face after he’s made a woman orgasm – that cheeky smirk and unmistakable glint in his eyes that’s just begging for some ‘good boy’ praise.

Ladies, you know what I mean… and gentlemen, I’m about to let you in on a secret.

That climax you were so proud to deliver? It might have been nothing but an elaborate show.

Most straight women I know have – at one point – faked, exaggerated or skipped their own pleasure. But we never pretend for our own benefit.

So, dear men, it’s time to sit up and pay attention as we tackle ‘the big O’.

Beyond faking it, I want to highlight how women can find it very embarrassing to discuss orgasms (or the lack thereof) and sometimes feel immense pressure to perform.

Just like some men may feel uncomfortable talking about erectile dysfunction because it can trigger feelings of shame, women who struggle with or can’t climax worry about being seen as ‘abnormal’ or ‘dysfunctional’.

Interestingly, a study from last year showed that women who have difficulty ‘getting there’ are more likely to feign enthusiasm in bed, too.

Sometimes it’s easier to fake it than admit, to ourselves and others that the orgasm is out of reach. This can happen at any time, to anyone.

A few years ago, my sex drive dipped due to side effects from medication. It was temporary and I knew that I’d eventually finish the course of drugs and everything would return to normal, but it still threw me off my game.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game

I was having regular sex with a partner at the time. I opened up to him about it all and, with a bit of coaxing, we were able to re-ignite my libido, but the orgasm didn’t follow.

The more my partner kept trying to help, the worse things got. He tried to use his hands, offered oral and was very enthusiastic, which I was very grateful for – but the enthusiasm just made the situation more pressurised.

He meant well but I could tell that he wanted that pat on the back for a job well done. To him, getting me off was a mission – to me, it was much more complex.

My vulva and vagina felt physically numb. It was as if someone had shut off the 10,000 nerve endings in my clitoris.

Determined to ‘fix’ the issue, I turned to masturbation, assuming that this would be easier because I was on my own, meaning there was no time limit.

One of the biggest concerns other women raise with me about orgasms is that they feel like there is a clock ticking, which prevents them from fully relaxing. This happens to me too, sometimes.

I eventually climaxed while playing solo but it took much longer than usual. The whole thing was unnerving, because the level of effort I’d had to put in just made me feel drained.

Without meaning to, I had taken the pleasure out of the experience. And this is a big part of the problem with orgasms.

In recent years, we’ve made great strides in closing the ‘orgasm gap’ (in short: men climax more often than women during sex and we’re trying to change that) but somewhere along the way, we missed a trick.

Because the point isn’t climax – it’s pleasure.

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’, especially when you consider that some women struggle with anorgasmia, a phrase used to describe the inability or difficulty for women to orgasm.

There are also those who enjoy sexual stimulation but don’t care about the ‘end goal’, who prefer to climax alone or who only do so if they have an emotional connection to a sexual partner. All of this should be acceptable and normal.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game. Besides, just because you can’t climax, it doesn’t mean you can’t have an amazing time in the sack.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to break up with someone in the digital age

— You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So, what do you do?

By Rachel Thompson

You match, you chat, and you date for a little while. But then, things take a turn. You’re not sure you’re feeling it anymore. Perhaps it doesn’t feel like a good fit. You’re irretrievably mismatched. You’re looking for different things.You don’t want to ghost them. Blocking them feels downright mean. At the same time, you don’t want to hurt their feelings by being honest. Should you be honest and direct? What if they react badly and lash out?In the online dating realm where ghosting reigns supreme, it’s easy to hide behind our phone screens and avoid confrontation and honesty. Why have difficult conversations when you can just remove every trace of this person from your phone and forget about them instantly? It’s a tempting thought, of course. But, is it the right thing to do?Research from dating app Bumble found that 84 percent of British singles believe being open and upfront is the most important thing in a relationship.With that in mind, what is the best way to break up with someone? Mashable spoke to relationship experts to find out how to consciously uncouple without being a complete dick.

What is ‘quiet dumping’?

Another day, another buzzword for questionable dating behaviour. “Quiet dumping” is the latest bad dating behaviour and it’s inspired by “quiet quitting”, the trend describing workers who accept that work isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of their life and opt instead to put in the bare minimum at their job. Quiet dumping involves gradually distancing yourself from a partner without openly communicating how you’re feeling. The idea is that the person on the receiving end will get the hint from the change in behaviour and end the relationship of their own accord.

“As with most bad behaviour, quiet dumping reflects more on the person doing it than it does you,” Bumble’s in-house sex and relationship expert Dr. Caroline West says.

“Often, there is no malicious intent behind them fazing the relationship out, they’re just not comfortable enough to have the conversation.”

Is breaking up by text ever OK?

If there’s a modern equivalent of the “I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me” Post-It note from Sex And The City, the text message has got to be it.

A lot of people think that a text message breakup is a strict no-no. But, surely there has to be an exception to the rule? As with all things in the dating world, text dumping is complicated.

Firstly, what if you’ve not yet met this match in person? Perhaps you’re stuck in a talking stage that feels like it’s headed nowhere fast. Perhaps this person is messaging you non-stop and coming on way too strong and you’re just…really not feeling it. Instead of doing the slow fade or ghosting, this kind of situation might warrant a quick message to explain how you’re feeling. You could try something along the lines of: “Hey, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not sure this is a good fit. I wish you all the best.”

If the relationship is more established, however, dumping over text isn’t exactly a great idea.

Pippa Murphy. the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk tells Mashable: “Breaking up with someone via a text message can be incredibly cruel, as not only is it impersonal but it doesn’t allow you to gauge what the other person is thinking or feeling, which isn’t fair on their behalf.”

Murphy says you should always pay the person the respect of sitting down in person to talk about the breakup in more detail.

“There is, however, one exception to this rule,” says Murphy. “If the relationship is emotionally or physically abusive, then breaking up over text message might be the only way to keep yourself safe.”

Don’t break up in public places

Friends have mine have recounted stories of being dumped by long-term boyfriends while out in romantic restaurants. Shocked and distraught, insult was added to emotional injury when they burst into tears in front of a room full of gawping strangers. It’s just… not what you need in that moment.

Murphy agrees with this. “While you should break up in person (if it’s safe to do so), doing it in a crowded restaurant or bar is destined for a disaster. Instead, you should pick somewhere private where you both feel comfortable having a personal conversation,” she says.

“This allows you both to be honest about the breakdown of your relationship without feeling embarrassed that people may be watching, therefore, limiting what you can or what emotions you can express.”

Communicate respectfully

When emotions run high, things can sometimes get heated.

It’s important to calmly and clearly express your reasons for ending this relationship. But as Murphy points out, you also should be mindful to listen to their perspective.

“Whoever it is, especially if it is someone you care about, you should always treat them as kindly and with as much respect as possible,” she says.

“While it is the dumper’s responsibility to break up with their partner gracefully, respectfully, and listen to them, it is not their responsibility to make the other person feel better. Being nice is a wonderful trait, however, this can backfire in a breakup and make you both feel worse.”

If you’re the one ending things, you might feel bad about the breakup, but sometimes apologising can do more harm than good, because it can put pressure on the dumpee to feel like they have to forgive you.

Is ghosting ever OK?

An illustration of a ghost standing in front of a human-sized phone, hiding from a person looking dejected under a spotlight, holding roses.

As Murphy says, if you’re in an abusive relationship, your priority is your own safety. If that means ghosting and blocking the individual, do it. If that means breaking up over text, do it. Never feel bad for keeping yourself safe.

As with text dumping, people have strong opinions on ghosting. But, there are circumstances in which ghosting is acceptable, in my view.

If you are a woman or marginalised person, you will be well aware that rejecting someone comes with a risk of violence.

Women have been murdered and assaulted for refusing men’s advances. As author Laura Bates writes: “For certain groups in particular, including trans women, women of colour and sex workers, it is well documented that refusing unwanted advances can result in aggression, physical or sexual violence, or even murder.”

When we fear how another person will react to our “no,” we attempt to mitigate that risk in our choice of breakup method, often choosing an evasive strategy to prevent us being harmed. If a person is exhibiting signs that they will respond aggressively to rejection, ghosting is an acceptable method to end contact. The block button is very useful in moments like this.

Cyberflashing — or the nonconsensual sending of lewd photos via messaging apps or AirDrop — is unfortunately rife. Almost half (48 percent) of UK adults aged 18-24 have received a sexual photo they didn’t ask for or consent to.

Again, in this situation, your safety is a priority. Report the sender if this behaviour occurs via a dating app. Block them.

When ghosting is not OK

In relationships and interactions where you feel safe and you’re not in danger, our approach to ghosting is a little different.

We’ve all heard the stories about marriages ending by ghosting, and long-term committed relationships ending abruptly with partners being blocked. If you’re in a committed (non-abusive) relationship with someone you once loved, ghosting will cause your partner more pain than necessary. Breaking up when you’re in a long-term relationship is already incredibly painful — why make it harder by ghosting them? Instead, follow the steps above: communicate clearly and kindly and aim for a private location if you can.

Should you go no contact?

In the aftermath of a breakup, people need space to grieve and heal. Murphy says: “Studies show that people who respectfully cut all contact for a short period allow themselves to heal fast and have more amicable breakups.”

She urges caution when opting to remain friends with an ex — while it can ease the transition, it can always leave you confused about where you stand, whether they want you back, and can make it harder to move on.

When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. “It is perfectly acceptable to take a short ‘no contact’ period out to emotionally recover before being friends with your ex. You don’t want your relationship status to be a confusing ‘on-again-off-again’ situation so take time out to heal so you can be friends if that’s what you both desire,” she adds.

When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. While no one craves rejection, we at least hope to be treated with the respect and honesty we deserve.

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