Tag: Intimacy

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How Do We Date and Have Sex When Vaccinated (or Not)?

By Dharushana Muthulingam

One year into lockdown measures in the U.S., life remains radically altered for most people. There have been 526,000 deaths in the U.S. and 2.6 million deaths in the world due to COVID-19. There are also multiple highly effective vaccines against virus. Rollout is slow, uneven, but steadily continues, and with it, the hope of returning to social interaction.

As of this writing, more than 18% of the U.S. population has received at least one dose of a vaccine. As more people acquire immunity, there are growing questions about what activities are safe for vaccinated people, how they might interact with each other and with the mostly unvaccinated larger public.

On March 9, the CDC released interim guidelines for individuals who are fully vaccinated. The major concern has been that while we know clinical trials have demonstrated that the vaccines are very effective at reducing illness, we did not know whether the vaccines reduce transmission to others.

Preliminary data suggests that the vaccines do indeed reduce the risk of passing the virus onto others. However, there’s still some uncertainty about whether it reduces it enough to prevent meaningful transmission, especially if there are additional surges (likely) with high levels of circulating virus. There is also still some concern that while the vaccines are effective against several new viral variants, that may not be the case for all variants.

So what do the interim guidelines mean for day-to-day life? There have been so many devastating consequences of social isolation: sick patients dying alone, grandparents who have not seen their grandchildren, and the crushing difficulty of raising children without outside support. One of the less-discussed questions I get from patients, friends, and family is about the impact of immunity on sex and dating.

Social animals need touch and companionship, and that includes sex and sexuality. Any sustainable public health measures must account for these needs. Many individuals who do not have partners within their household have had unique difficulties in navigating dating and sexual connection during pandemic social distancing measures.

And while the federal government anticipates having an adequate vaccine supply for all Americans by the end of summer, for the next several months, there will still be a great number who are not yet vaccinated. How do people navigate dating and sex during an ongoing pandemic?

One option has been for people to refrain entirely from any kind of dating or sex. We learned that this is not a sustainable strategy in the last pandemic—HIV/AIDS. Initially, in response to a troubling wave of young gay men dying (soon followed by others), the official government response was to advise abstinence. What we have learned repeatedly is that this is ineffective.

Several public health departments recall the lessons we learned during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, including dusting off the almost 40-year-old pamphlet “How to Have Sex in an Epidemic.” Recognizing sex and sexuality as a fundamental human need, they have issued guidelines on how to have safe sex during a pandemic.

Public health officials in the Netherlands, New York, British Columbia, and others have issued pragmatic guidelines for risk navigation. Whereas in STI prevention, the central tenet was to minimize the exchange of body fluids, with COVID-19, it is to minimize air exchange.

Those who have partners outside their household should get tested regularly for COVID-19 (about five to seven days after a sexual encounter). Quarantining before and after exposure can minimize transmission to others. Harm reduction is fluid—increasing transmission in one area of life (e.g., an outside sexual partner) can pair with decreasing it in other areas (e.g., quarantining, grocery deliveries). Take into account the COVID-19 dynamics in your region, increasing precautions if cases are increasing and hospitals are taxed.

For those who are vaccinated, using current CDC guidelines, here are general guidelines for dating others outside your household:

  • You can hang out with another fully vaccinated person indoors without a mask.
  • You can hang out with another unvaccinated person indoors without a mask, as long as that person does not have any conditions putting them at higher risk for severe COVID-19 illness.
  • You will have to navigate how much trust you have in someone’s stated vaccination status.
  • You can still hang outdoors, six feet apart, especially with a mask.
  • You should still avoid hanging out with unvaccinated individuals from more than one household and medium- or large-size gatherings. This includes activities like indoor dining.
  • When you are in public among people from more than one household, you should continue to mask, stay six feet apart, and avoid poorly ventilated or crowded spaces.

Finally, continue safe sex practices that also prevent unintended pregnancy and infections that are not COVID-19, including chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, and syphilis. Even prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, STIs were at a record high in the United States. Infections such as chlamydia and gonorrhea had been increasing 3 to 5%, and syphilis had risen 15%.

“These areas of public health have been underfunded for decades,” notes Dr. Hilary Reno, an associate professor of Medicine at Washington University and also the medical director of the St. Louis County Sexual Health Clinic and CDC Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention consultant. The COVID-19 pandemic has taxed this further. There were shortages of chlamydia and gonorrhea tests as manufacturers repurposed swabs for COVID-19 tests. Contact tracers who would normally follow up with partners of infected individuals are now pulled into COVID-19 efforts.

Although many of STIs are curable (chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis) or effectively managed (HIV), untreated they can have lasting consequences. “People are still getting STIs, but they aren’t getting tested, so now we have these undetected infections,” Dr. Reno notes. “When are they going to present? How are they going to present?”

It is important to continue to communicate about sexual consent, use barrier protection, and get tested regularly for both COVID-19 (if you are not yet vaccinated) as well as STIs. As more data about transmission emerges and more people get vaccinated, follow updates on recommended guidelines.

Sex, sexuality, and companionship are a critical part of human health and well-being. We already have decades of experience that an abstinence-only approach, stigma, and shame just exacerbate transmission and make risky behavior secretive. Providing people with reliable information and tools for the prevention of both COVID-19 and STIs allows them to sustainably and realistically navigate their lives while also keeping safe.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Be a Better Lover

— In and Out of the Bedroom

by Gabrielle Kassel

Maybe your current boo told you to up your game (ouch). Maybe you’ve always harbored sneaking suspicions that you’re subpar in the sack. Or maybe you just want to join the Greats.

Regardless, you’re here because you think you’re bad in bed — or at the very least, could be better.

Well, we’ve got some good news: It’s actually not possible to be bad in bed. Really!

That said, it is possible for your communication skills to need an upgrade. Or for your sex life to need a little zhuzhing up. This guide can help on both fronts.

Got an FWB coming over in 30 minutes and want tips stat? Or planning to get your flirt (and freak) on at the bar tonight? These tips are for you.

Listen to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues

Carly S., pleasure expert and founder of Dildo or Dildon’t, says there’s one caveat to the “It’s not possible to be bad in bed” thesis statement.

“If you’re completely ignoring your partner’s attempts to communicate with you, and steamrolling them into doing whatever you want, you’re a bad lover,” she says. TBH, at this point, you’re not having sex with your partner — you’re violating them.

Your move: Tune into what your partner is saying with their words, mouths, hands, and body.

“Are they pulling you closer? Or are they pushing you away?” asks Megan Stubbs, EdD, a clinical sexologist and author of “Playing Without a Partner: A Singles’ Guide to Sex, Dating, and Happiness”.

“Are they shifting their hips away from you, or toward you?”

These body cues can give you insight into what they like and don’t like.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

“Your partner isn’t a mind-reader,” Stubbs says. “For them to know what you do and don’t like, you have to tell them.”

For the record, she says, communicating can be as simple as saying:

  • “That feels good! How does it feel for you?”
  • “Yes! That!”
  • “A little more pressure, please!”
  • “Is your tongue getting tired?”
  • “Can you do that thing you were doing earlier instead?”

Check your ego at the door

If your ego is telling you, “If they need lube, it’s because they don’t like you” or “If they want a vibrator, it’s because you’re inadequate,” tell your ego to shut up.

“Sex toys and sexual wellness aids are inanimate objects that are designed to increase how pleasurable the sexual encounter is,” Carly says.

So, she says, if your partner expresses an interest in bringing those into the bedroom, your first thought shouldn’t be “I’m not good enough.” It should be “Wow! My partner wants to experience pleasure with me.”

Before we talk about the trees, let’s talk about the forest…

Confidence

“Confidence is a work in progress for everybody — but it’s work worth doing especially, if you want to be a better lover,” Carly says.

Confidence, she says, is key to asking for what you want in bed, graciously receiving feedback from your partner, and more.

To build up confidence, she suggests:

  1. repeating a self-love mantra to yourself every morning
  2. curating your digital spaces and unfollowing people who make you question your worth
  3. writing a list of things you like about yourself every week
  4. leaving a partner who puts you down
  5. trying therapy

Communication

Sensing a common theme?

“[Communication] should be happening before, during, and after sex,” Stubbs says.

Before sex, talk about:

During sex, talk about:

  • how it feels physically
  • what you’re feeling emotionally or spiritually
  • what you need to feel safe
  • if or when you want it to end

After sex, talk about:

  • how it felt emotionally and physically
  • if it’s something you want to do again
  • what you need in this exact moment (water, food, blankets, etc.)

Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is a strong excitement of feeling.

In other words, it’s the antithesis of apathy.

And who the heck wants to get it on with someone who’s acting *shrug emoji* about having sex with them? Specific kinks aside, very few pleasure seekers do.

Some ways to express enthusiasm during sex:

  • Tell them you like how they look, smell, taste, or feel.
  • Compliment them.
  • Verbally and nonverbally affirm what feels good.

  • Don’t fake your orgasm

    Faking your orgasm is the opposite of communicating what you want in bed, according to Stubbs. “Faking orgasms positively reinforces bad technique,” she says.

    If you’ve been faking it up to this point, you could have an open and honest conversation. You might, for example, consider saying:

    “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you emotionally and physically. But, before we continue having sex, I want to be transparent about the fact that I’ve been faking my orgasms. It isn’t that the sex hasn’t felt good — it has! — but I’ve been too shy to ask for what I need to orgasm. Do you think next time it would be OK if I touched my clit during sex?”

    Another option is to stop faking your orgasm, and start helping your partner bring you to orgasm.

    Masturbate

    Now that you’re getting laid, you might be tempted to let your solo sex life fall by the wayside.

    Don’t!

    “Having a masturbation practice makes it easier for you to know what you like sexually and easier to communicate that to your partner,” Carly says. In other words, solo sex might lend itself to better partnered sex.

    There are ways to be a better lover to your new(ish) partner.

    Begin talking about sex more

    Specifically: When you’re fully clothed.

    “Talking about sex outside the bedroom automatically makes it a lower stakes conversation,” Carly says. “Because of that, it can become easier for people to talk about their fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, and more.”

    You might do this by:

    • asking your partner if they find a sex scene on the screen hot
    • inviting your partner to help you pick out underwear
    • watching a sexy music video together
    • telling your partner when you feel randomly aroused
    • sharing your sex dreams with your partner

    Make a yes/no/maybe list together

    Whether you and your partner see yourselves as being sexually adventurous, or not, Stubbs recommends spending an evening filling out a yes/no/maybe list (like this one or this one).

    “Doing so will give you both an opportunity to talk about your desires openly,” she says, “which is something good lovers give their partner’s space to do.”

    Take an online sex workshop together

    Who says pandemic-friendly date nights are limited to take-out, Netflix, and physically distanced walks?

    Try attending an online workshop together about sex, kink, or intimacy.

    You might say:

    • “Hey, are you free Saturday night? I found a fun Zoom event about [X]. I thought it could be fun!”
    • “I’m going to attend this online workshop I found on Thursday. Any interest in attending with me? It’s going to be all about [X], which is something I want to learn more about!”

    To find an event, you can search the #queersexeducator, #sexeducator, and #sexworkshop hashtags on Instagram and Twitter.

    That one caveat withstanding, being bad in bed may not be possible.

    But it doesn’t mean that improving your communication skills, learning to express your enthusiasm, working on your self-confidence and ego, and adding new “sextivities” to your repertoire can’t make you a better lover — they all can.

    Don’t take our word for it. Try ’em out yourself. The proof will be in the pudding pleasure.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do Women Really Become Less Interested In Sex Over Time?

Debunking The Myths

by Deborah J. Fox, MSW

A couple in their 30s, married for 10 years, sit across from each other in my office with tension and despair written on their faces. When I hear their story of sexual disconnection, it sounds all too familiar. Ben’s story is one of frustration that they only occasionally have sex. Sara’s story is also one of frustration because she’s at a loss as to how to fix this between them. They both agree that when they do engage in sex, the encounter itself goes well enough. Yet that doesn’t lead to another roll in the hay for quite some time.

Another familiar scene is the group of men meeting for happy hour, bemoaning their lot as married men who’ve accepted the “fact” that women lose interest in sex after they’ve been married for a few years.

Anecdotes abound, yet the mainstream understanding of why sex in long-term relationships diminishes suffers from an astounding lack of information about female sexuality—and it doesn’t have to be this way.

Yes, some women do say, “I don’t care if I ever have sex again as long as I live.” I think the truth is more likely, “I don’t care if I ever have the kind of sex, or the circumstances under which I’m having sex, again.”

In sexuality, knowledge is truly powerful. So let’s unpack the real sources of all this distress.

The power of negative messages.

First of all, we need to name the thing many people don’t want to name: The negative messages that girls are bombarded with since they found out they were girls have created enormous barriers to feeling sexually comfortable. Even today, there is still a staggering number of “Good girls don’t _____” messages, all designed to modulate what might come naturally:

Have you ever heard a cliché of “Girls will be girls” the way you hear “Boys will be boys?” Never. Yet the truth is, all people are products of their culture. Even women who feel like they know better than to buy into these negative messages they heard growing up can still nonetheless be affected by them.

The good news is, the lingering impact of negative messages can be softened. The first step is to identify the messages you got as a child from your parents and peers, including social media. How did those messages affect how you feel about sex? About your body? The next step is to reflect on how these messages might still be affecting you and find a way to minimize their continuing influence. That can look like talking to your partner or friend about these experiences, reading books on female sexuality, or seeking the help of a therapist.

Additionally, so many women have been exposed to inappropriate sexual comments and touch, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. The impact of these experiences is enormous and long-lasting, usually interfering with the ability to enjoy sex. There are effective strategies to release trauma’s hold on you (the best first step here would be to see a therapist), but this context cannot be ignored in any conversation about the idea that “Women just aren’t interested in sex.”

Likewise, a crucial misunderstanding when it comes to female sexuality—and a major source of sexual frustration in couples—is the idea that sexual desire just pops up for everyone in the same way. When it doesn’t happen this way in a relationship, there’s usually a lot of confusion and blame.

There are actually two basic types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. We’re very familiar with the spontaneous type. You know, those who walk down the street on an average day regularly struck with a desire for sex. They seem to be up for sex most anytime. Sexuality researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., tells us that about 75% of men are members of this group but only about 15% of women.

Because women often aren’t exposed to what is more typical of female sexual desire, they often end up saying, “What’s wrong with me?” or falsely concluding, “I’m just not a sexual person.”

Many women have what’s known as responsive sexual desire. For people with this type of desire, the context of the moment is critical to your openness to the idea of sex. If you’re tired, preoccupied with a work project or a troubled family member, stressed, or feeling blah, interest in sex is going to be hard to come by. These are not just factors affecting your interest in sex; they are central. There’s nothing wrong with you for not being interested. You just need a change in context.

A common experience for responsive people is that desire shows up after arousal. This is normal. It’s just not advertised. What this means is that you have to change the question from, “Am I feeling frisky?” to “Am I open to engaging in touch?” With physical touch, arousal may well show up, followed by, “Oh, now I feel very glad to be here, doing this!”

Most people don’t even know responsive sexual desire exists—even the very people whose desire works like this. I was once describing responsive sexual desire to my husband, and he said, “That’s interesting. That’s not what you see in the movies.” Exactly. The media, a major provider of sex education, only depicts spontaneous sexual desire.

As it turns out, spontaneous people often find themselves in relationships with responsive people. I’ve found this often to be true in same-gender couples as well. So these groups need to get to know each other.

When I explain responsive desire to Ben, his jaw drops and doesn’t close for a while. Whereas Sara is nodding vigorously, “That’s me. That’s me—I’ve just never known how to explain it.” Likewise, when I explain that Ben likely walks down the street with every sixth thought being a sexual one, her eyes pop out of her head.

A consequence for many women growing up today is that sexuality wasn’t about them and their pleasure. With inadequate information about sex, many young women are often left to apply to themselves what they learn from their experiences with men—or the movies. If men just dive into erogenous zones at the outset of a physical encounter, then that’s what must be the way to have sex. However, when desire tends to follow arousal, a direct focus on erogenous zones can feel like an unwanted advance. Their bodies aren’t yet ready to be stimulated sexually.

What to do? Change the context. If you’re like Sara and have responsive sexual desire rather than spontaneous, what is the context that makes you feel open to physical touch? Instead of saying, “I’m not in the mood,” try asking yourself, “What could put me in the mood?”

Perhaps a conversation that would help you feel less stressed, a shared glass of wine or cup of tea, a foot massage, a hot bath, reading some erotica, having your partner wash the dishes and put the kids to bed. There’s a bridge between where your head is at the moment and where it could be—you just have to build it.

This is also a couple’s project. If you’re a spontaneous guy in a relationship with a responsive woman, find out what turns her on—and off. Do you approach her in a way that’s enticing to her? Do you send her affectionate or sexy text messages? Think of your early days of flirting—you showed interest and enthusiasm for everything about her. You paid attention to her. If she’s tired, do you offer to take on tasks to give her a break?

What about unresolved conflict or repetitive bickering? For those like Sara, this is a huge buzzkill. Many a time, a Ben type approaches his partner for sex several hours after they’ve quarreled, and she looks at him as if he’s sprouted a horn and gives him a look that says, “Are you [insert your favorite four-letter word] kidding me? I’m still furious with you!” Try finding a better way to resolve conflict so there’s not simmering resentment in the air.

When we understand responsive desire and the way it works, it exposes the myth that women lose interest in sex. Sure, most women probably do lose interest in the kind of sex they’ve been expected to enjoy—late at night when they’re ready to go to sleep, regardless of what else is going on for her.

Enjoyable sex happens in a context that takes you into account.

Getting back on that track of having a pleasurable sex life isn’t about the stars aligning just right. It’s about educating yourself, understanding what negative messages and experiences may be affecting your relationship, and understanding exactly how you and your partner’s sexual desire works. Equipped with that knowledge, you can work together with your partner to create a context in which you can both enjoy sex more fully.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s How to Tell If You Love Someone

— and What to Do

by Crystal Raypole

Ask anyone if love is complicated, and there’s a good chance they’ll probably say, “yes,” or “sometimes” at the very least.

Part of love’s complications stems from the fact that it can be challenging when the person you love doesn’t feel the same way — or when they do, but your relationship fails to take off.

Love can also complicate life because it takes different forms, and you might not immediately recognize which type of love you’re feeling.

Deciphering your feelings and trying to identify exactly which type of love you feel — while tight in its grip — might not be the easiest task, but we’re here to help.

Keep reading to learn more about how to tell these related, but still uniquely different, experiences apart.

Love doesn’t always look the same.

Sometimes, it progresses through specific stages.

The first flicker of love, when you fall head over heels for someone, often seems more like infatuation, complete with plenty of excitement and nervousness.

If it’s mutual? The euphoric blissTrusted Source many people experience can keep you and your partner completely wrapped up in each other. Over time, that just-fell-in-love feeling often transforms into something less charged, but more stable and lasting.

Higher-than-usual levels of hormones, like dopamine and norepinephrineTrusted Source, drive the intensity of these early feelings. Eventually, these surging feelings often settle into a deeper affection with the help of oxytocin, a hormone that plays a role in attachment.

But feelings of love don’t always follow a linear path.

Maybe you fall for someone you just met, but you eventually realize the first blush of love has tinted your view. Once the first intensity fades, your feelings begin to wither without taking root.

You can also develop romantic love without experiencing euphoric, heart-pounding excitement. Someone who falls for their best friend, for example, might notice their long-standing platonic love become more romantic and sexually charged almost overnight.

And, of course, the love you feel for friends, or platonic love, can still run pretty deep — even though it doesn’t involve any romantic or sexual attraction.

People often talk about love as if everyone experiences it in the same way, but life experiences and relationship history can alter the course of “typical” romantic attraction.

If you’ve experienced relationship abuse or betrayal, you might feel cautious about letting your guard down again. This could temper the feelings of euphoria and impulsivity that often accompany the first stages of love.

In short, while there’s no single way to fall in love, you’ll probably notice a few key physical and emotional signs:

Your thoughts return to them regularly

Maybe you frequently think back to your last interaction or plan your next meeting. You want to tell them about your experiences every day: the great, the awful, and the ordinary.

If they’re having a hard time, you may worry about their difficulties and brainstorm ways to help.

When spending time with family and friends, you might talk about them a lot and imagine how much your loved ones will like them, too.

You feel safe with them

Trust is generally a key component of love. If you’ve experienced relationship trauma or heartbreak before, you might assign particular importance to this sense of emotional safety.

When you see them, you might notice your tension relaxes, in much the same way as it does when you return home after a long day.

It’s normal to want to protect yourself from pain. Feeling safe enough with someone to trust them with your personal weaknesses or vulnerabilities often suggests developing love.

Life feels more exciting

The rush of hormones associated with love can make everything seem more exciting, particularly when you know you’ll see them soon. Time might seem to fly by when you’re together and crawl like a turtle after they leave.

You might even notice renewed energy and interest in the mundane things you do every day. Folding laundry? Taking a walk? So much more fun when you’re in love (especially when they’re nearby).

You want to spend a lot of time together

Loving someone often means wanting to spend plenty of time with them, so you might find yourself craving their company more than ever before.

You might leave their company feeling somewhat unsatisfied, as if the time you spent together wasn’t enough.

You may not care much about what you do together, simply that you are together.

Another key sign? Your interest in spending time with them doesn’t depend on their mood or energy level. Even when they feel sad, cranky, or frustrated with life, you still want to show up and offer support.

You feel a little jealous of other people in their life

Jealousy is an emotion like any other. Generally speaking, it’s what you do with jealousy that matters. Talking about your feelings never hurts, but you might want to skip the digital snooping and social media stakeouts.

When you love someone, you might fixate on the other people they spend time with and wonder about their relationship to each other, or worry about potential threats to your love, such as an attractive coworker they mention regularly or an old flame who’s still part of their life.

Generally speaking, these worries tend to fade as trust develops.

Platonic love involves deep affection, but no romantic or sexual attraction. It’s absolutely possible for people of any gender to maintain a friendship without sexual tension or attraction.

When you love someone platonically, you might notice some basic signs of love.

You might also:

  • have similar interests, values, and goals
  • discuss emotions and relationships you have with others
  • support each other through difficulties
  • enjoy spending time together

Embracing platonic love successfully requires you to set any romantic feelings aside. Loving platonically doesn’t mean simply waiting and hoping the person will fall in love with you someday.

Good friendship behaviors can help you maintain platonic love. For example:

  • Communicate. Everyone has different communication needs, but you can maintain your closeness by calling or texting. When you do talk, try to spend at least as much time listening as you do sharing your own thoughts.
  • Set boundaries. Some platonic friends may be perfectly fine spending the night at your place, hanging out at all hours, or discussing the sexual details of your other relationships. Others may reserve these activities for romantic partners. Talking through boundaries can help you avoid any miscommunication.
  • Spend time together. Stay connected, even when you can’t physically see each other, by planning online chats, video game sessions, or virtual movie nights.
  • Offer emotional support. Love and friendship can make it easier to weather life’s challenges. Show your love by checking in with a friend or asking, “What can I do to help?”

Loving someone romantically usually involves a desire for a many-faceted connection.

You value their personality and want their friendship. You might lust after them a little (though you can experience romantic love without ever desiring a physical relationship).

Maybe you find their looks appealing, but you mostly want to spend a lot of time with them because you value them as a whole person and want to develop a lasting emotional connection.

Try these tips to cultivate and maintain romantic love:

  • Practice open communication. Relationships require open honesty to thrive. Sharing feelings, setting healthy boundaries, and discussing relationship goals early on increases your chances of a lasting relationship.
  • Avoid getting swept away by lust. In the early days of love, you might dedicate a lot of time to thinking (and talking) about what you’ve already done between the sheets (or anywhere else) and fantasizing about future encounters. This is absolutely normal. Just make sure you’re working toward an emotional connection, too.
  • Learn and grow together. If you want to make your love last, it’s essential to really get to know each other. This might mean discussing dreams and goals, sharing challenges and successes, and trying new things. You maintain your own identities, but you also develop a shared third unit: the relationship itself.

Romantic and platonic love are two different things, but many people consider them equally valuable.

Humans need connection to survive, generally speaking. Some people go through life without ever experiencing romantic or sexual attraction, and that’s OK. You can absolutely get the love you need from relationships with family and friends.

Others thrive with both friends and romantic partners in their lives. Perhaps you can’t imagine life without romance and pursue relationships in the hopes of finding the right partner.

Your friends, however, remain part of your life even as partners come and go (often supporting you through breakups).

In short, platonic love might not fulfill the same needs as romantic love, but it’s equally valuable and equally worth pursuing.

Friendship isn’t a silver medal or a consolation prize. In fact, platonic love may prove more stable and secure than romantic love.

If you’re experiencing confusing new feelings, you might have some uncertainty about how to handle them.

Falling for a friend, for example, can feel pretty terrifying. You think you could have a fantastic romance, but what if you end up losing the friendship instead?

Even when you love someone you know less well, you might wonder what your feelings mean. Do you truly want to develop a relationship? Simply get closer? Or, are your feelings just lust-driven?

Asking yourself the following questions can yield some insight:

  • Which type of connections do I find most appealing? Emotional, physical, or a combination of both, for example.
  • Can I see myself sharing my life with this person?
  • Do I want to experience different types of intimacy with them? Or do I just want more of what we already have?
  • Is a general desire for physical intimacy complicating my platonic love for them?
  • Do I actually desire romantic love, or is it something I’m pursuing because people think I should?

A sudden change in attraction or existing feelings for someone can pull the rug out from under you.

Not sure about the best way forward? You have a few options:

Talk about it

You can’t pursue any type of relationship until they know how you feel. If you’re already friends, think back to how your friendship developed. You probably bonded over shared interests and one (or both) of you expressed the desire to spend more time together. Romantic relationships often develop similarly.

Preparing to share your feelings often involves some preparation for potential rejection. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them in person, try a letter, but avoid email or text.

Once you feel ready, ask if they can set aside some time to talk instead of suddenly dropping it into casual conversation. Choose a time when the two of you have some privacy.

Don’t forget to offer them space to sort through their own feelings, especially if you already have a platonic relationship. It may take time for them to evaluate and come to terms with their own feelings.

Consider other factors

Before you confess your love, take a careful look at the situation. You can’t help who you fall for, but you can help how you choose to handle your feelings:

  • Do they already have a partner? If so, you may want to hold off on sharing your love.
  • Are they a good friend’s ex? Proceed with caution — particularly if the breakup hurt your friend or the relationship ended badly.
  • Has your friendship given you insight into bad behaviors? Maybe they lie to partners, ghost dates, or see multiple partners without openly discussing non-monogamy. People can change, yes, and it’s tempting to believe your friendship and love will inspire that change. Just be sure to consider potential outcomes for your friendship if this doesn’t happen the way you envision.

Let it lie

Perhaps you decide you’d rather cherish your friendship than take a chance on anything more. That’s entirely your choice. Remember: platonic love offers many of the same benefits as romantic love, and one isn’t necessarily better than the other.

Just allow yourself the time and space to fully address your feelings and come to terms with them. Accepting them completely can make it easier to let them go. Try spending a little less time with that person for now, or avoid hanging out one-on-one.

If you feel lonely or in need of physical intimacy, dating others may offer a way to create new connections and ease feelings of longing.

What if your feelings are unrequited?

It’s natural to hope the person you love returns your feelings, but romance doesn’t always play out as planned. Recognizing love sometimes requires you to accept that it may not flourish as you wish.

“If you love someone, let them go,” really does emphasize one key component of love. True, compassionate love means wanting those you love to find happiness and contentment, even when those needs conflict with what you want for yourself.

Resist the temptation to press your case by showing them what a great partner you’d make, since this will likely only damage your existing relationship.

Instead, show respect by honoring their feelings and giving them any space they ask for. Make it clear you intend to go forward by maintaining your platonic friendship. This can help ease any awkwardness that might come up.

Find more tips on recovering from unrequited love here.

Attraction and affection can change and grow over time, and people feel and show love in many ways.

Any type of emotional commitment can fulfill the human need for connection, provided you make the effort to sustain it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Our Partners, Ourselves

— Why Is It So Hard To Know What To Call A Significant Other?

By Olivia Harrison

Because of a congenital heart defect, I have an annual checkup with a cardiologist. This yearly visit to the hospital — involving numerous tests, conversations about future surgeries, and a waiting room filled with babies who have only just embarked on the same lifelong journey of doctors’ appointments and arrhythmias that I’ve been on for almost 30 years — is always an existential trip. But perhaps one of the most daunting parts of the day is when the triage nurse asks for my emergency contact info. I give the name, phone number, and address without hesitation, but when she asks: “Relationship to patient?” I stumble. Technically speaking, the answer to this question is: “He’s my boyfriend” — but this particular title just doesn’t quite fit.

Answering with “boyfriend,” I have the overwhelming impulse to add more context. I hope the nurse will notice that my emergency contact hasn’t changed from the one I gave last year and that our addresses are the same, but either she doesn’t notice or, more likely,  she just doesn’t care. That doesn’t stop me from awkwardly joking, “Don’t worry, this isn’t just some guy I met on Tinder or picked up at a bar last weekend,” as she silently connects me to the EKG, having already moved on. For some reason, I need her to know that we live together, we’ve been in each other’s lives in one form or another for almost 10 years, and we’ve raised two beautiful cats together. “Boyfriend” just doesn’t get that message across.

“There is a practical history of people needing a word to label a serious relationship that doesn’t involve marriage,” says Lal Zimman, Associate Professor of Linguistics at University of California, Santa Barbara. This, of course, is the exact situation I’m in. The term “boyfriend” doesn’t conjure up associations with commitment. A boyfriend is someone you only see on weekends or someone who could easily ghost you at any time because your lives aren’t necessarily so intertwined. Despite wanting to make the seriousness of my relationship known, however, I almost never find myself thinking about marriage. It might be something we eventually decide to do, but it’s not a priority, and he’s definitely not my fiance. So what is he?

For many people in my position — I’m a cis woman in a long-term relationship with a man — the word “partner” has become the default term — more and more, using the word “partner” even continues after marriage. The implications are clear: A partner will likely stick around. A partner knows and even loves your family and will absolutely answer the phone when the hospital taps them as your emergency contact — a partner is your family. A simple fix, right? Perhaps, but, of course, “partner” doesn’t come without its own complicated history and associations and echoes of appropriation. And maybe that’s why I still have a hard time saying it.

As the term partner has become more and more widely used, it’s important to note why it not only feels like a progressive term, but also what it took to make it become a common one. Zimman points out that “partner” deemphasizes the terminology most associated with heterosexual marriage and traditional gender roles within relationships. Still, that progressive connotation is exactly what makes me self-conscious about using it as the label for one of the most significant relationships in my life. For a long time, I heard the word partner mostly used by queer couples, either because same-sex marriage was not yet legal or because gendered terms like “husband,” “wife,” “boyfriend,” and “girlfriend” simply didn’t fit. It was hard not to wonder if I would be appropriating the term if I started using it.

Interestingly, “partner” was defined as a term exclusively used for heterosexual couples for a long time before being widely adopted for queer relationships. According to Peter Sokolowski, Merriam-Webster’s Editor at Large, the word partner originally meant one who shares a parcel of land — that being the measure of wealth in medieval England, a type of currency that often came into play with marriages, which were thought of as economic, rather than romantic, relationships. This origin as an even division of wealth, and therefore power, speaks to its use in many romantic contexts even today though. “Merriam-Webster did not define a same-sex version of the word partner until 1993,” says Sokolowski. “Prior to that, it was simply a cross-reference to ‘husband, wife.’ So partner, if it was a romantic partner, was exclusively heterosexual.” It wasn’t until the dictionary’s 10th Collegiate Edition was released in 1993 that “husband, wife” was replaced in the definition with the word “spouse.” According to Sokolowski, the definition for partner then became “either of two people living together; especially spouse

Sokolowski also shared that the first use of the word partner recorded by the Oxford English Dictionary was taken from the private correspondence of a single family in the 16th century; each member of a married couple referred to one another as “partner.” John Milton also used the word in Paradise Lost in the late 17th century to reference a heterosexual spouse. The first example of partner being used to talk about queer relationships noted in the Oxford English Dictionary is from a publication called Gay News in 1977. “This is interesting because it was in 1978 that Berkeley passed the Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Ordinance whereby the city promised to provide equal treatment regardless of sexual orientation,” Sokolowski explains. “So basically, around the late ’70s, this idea of domestic partnerships came about, therefore connecting this word partner to a spouse-like relationship that was not yet legal in a marriage context, but was being made legal in a civil context.

Clearly, there is an extensive history of queer couples being excluded from the definition of the word partner because the existence of queerness and queer relationships was for so long wholly ignored. In the period from the late ’70s through the ’90s, though, things began to change. In a 1992 essay from Law & Sexuality, David L. Chambers explores the impact that the AIDS epidemic had on the fight for the legal recognition of domestic partnerships, specifically in San Francisco and New York. “AIDS had brought home the price that gay men and lesbians had been paying for the social and legal nonrecognition of their relations,” Chambers writes. “That price revealed itself when the biological families of gay men with AIDS tried to exclude their sons’ partners from hospital visitation or from participating in decisions about medical treatment. Conflicts continued after death, with struggles over burial and property.”

The urgency of having a relationship be recognized in the eyes of the law was also highlighted when many gay men with AIDS lost their health insurance because they had become too ill to work and could not obtain insurance coverage through their partners. In New York, many gay men who had cared for their sick partners found that they were not legally eligible to remain in their partners’ rent-stabilized apartment after their partners’ deaths. According to Chambers, in addition to emphasizing the need for legal recognition of same-sex relationships, the AIDS epidemic also brought into focus the significance of these partnerships for many gay men and lesbians. In his piece, Chambers quotes Jean Harris, a lesbian activist and chief of staff to Harry Britt, the openly gay member of San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors who first introduced domestic partner legislation in S.F., “AIDS made us realize that our lovers are our support systems. It made us more aware of the importance of primary relationships. It made love and relationships even more important than they had seemed before.”

This all speaks to the power of this word partner, as queer people were literally trying to save their lives by showing society-at-large that their commitments to one another mattered as much as those of heterosexual couples. Eventually, partner became more universally accepted as the term used by and for those in queer relationships, but that long and tragic fight for acknowledgment and acceptance is a big part of why I feel like I’m co-opting the word when I use it to describe my own heterosexual relationship. And yet, perhaps my discomfort is just a sign that the evolution of the word “partner” is still ongoing, and that there’s still a lot of work to be done with regards to the terminology surrounding our relationships

Sokolowski points to the way that the definition of the word “marriage” has changed in recent years as an example of how language surrounding relationships is still in flux. “Merriam-Webster’s definition of marriage is a great microcosm of how this works because initially we separated gay marriage from traditional marriage in our definition as a. and b. for the simple reason that whenever gay marriage was used in The New York Times or something, it was made extremely clear that this was gay marriage,” he explains. “It was always used with the term ‘gay’ in front of it, which means that they weren’t exactly equivalent, and that gay marriage was clearly regarded as a special case or special kind of marriage. So we separated them as a. and b., two different senses, and then later collapsed them into one, using the word spouse as we do for partner, because now the evidence shows that gay marriage is no longer a special case. It’s simply marriage.”

Sokolowski highlights the three stages of this evolution: First, gay marriage was not recognized; then, it became isolated as a special case, an asterisk on marriage; and finally, it was integrated into the traditional definition. “The same discomfort that the culture might have felt with the idea of same-sex marriage is sort of echoed in the discomfort we have in the use of new terminology,” he shares. “The British linguist, David Crystal says, ‘frequency breeds content,’ so the more often you hear it, the more comfortable you are.

Since the U.S. Supreme Court struck down all state bans on same-sex marriage in 2015, gay marriage has become less othered, and queer couples have embraced terms like husband, wife, and spouse with pride. Many have even left behind the term partner. However, depending on where you are, the association between the word partner and queerness still lingers.

Sarah S., who lives in D.C. with her partner, tells me, “I’m bi and in a hetero relationship. I intentionally use partner not only to normalize it for queer couples, but also because it does sound inherently queer right now, so it kind of affirms my queer identity to myself — especially as a woman who realized they were bi while in a relationship with a man.”

U.K.-based lifestyle blogger Luisa-Christie, who is also bisexual, feels similarly. “I think it’s fab when heterosexual people say ‘partner,’ because it normalizes gender-free language and it means that those people who are queer but maybe not out yet, aren’t outing themselves in potentially unsafe situations or in front of friends, family, or work colleagues they may not want to share it with.” Amber Grace, 28, agrees. “For me, using the term partner is inclusive of the whole spectrum of sexuality and gender, which is really important as my life has taught me that who we are and who we love is not something set in stone.”

On the other hand, Carla tells me that she resents this idea that genderless language and queerness need to be “normalized.” She says, “As far as I am concerned, I am normal. I feel that no matter what I say or what other queer people say about this, straight people, at the end of the day, will do whatever they want.” She also stresses that using certain words is not enough. “If straight people want to be allies, maybe do it in action. Do straight people stand up to any type of bullying? Are you providing a safe environment, everywhere you interact in your life, as a straight person? You don’t need to adopt language to be ‘inclusive.’ Be inclusive with your actions not with your virtue signaling. Hire people, stand up, ACTUALLY DO! Especially, in a workplace, which from my own experience has always been nothing but violent. Hearing people say ‘partner’? Meh! It doesn’t help me in any way — never has in the past and it won’t in the future, as long as we are being killed and experiencing harassment

Amber Grace acknowledges that this issue is complicated for some queer folks. “I have absolutely been privileged in my coming out, and have very rarely felt unsafe or unwelcome — at least in comparison to many others in the community,” she explains. “So I do understand why some feel that the term ‘partner,’ which, at least in part, was really created so that non-hetero couples could safely refer to their ‘more than friends’ in less than safe spaces, should only be used by people who need that protection. I think if I saw someone who was the opposite of an ally to LGBTQ+ use the term ‘partner,’ I’d be irritated.”

Australia-based designer Oliver Boston also emphasizes the importance of remembering why queer people often use the word. “I don’t think it’s up to anyone to tell a couple how they define their relationship,” they say. “I just wish that heterosexual people stayed aware that one of the reasons LGBT people use the term partner instead of boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is because it’s still often unsafe for us to immediately disclose our sexuality. It is also a nod to the fact that until only recently it was illegal for us to marry or have our relationships recognized officially — and in many places, it’s still illegal. I guess the way I feel about it boils down to: Straight people can call each other what they want but just remember that the history behind why we do it is different.”

According to Zimman, the use of the word partner, regardless of gender or sexuality, is more common in certain places. “In the U.K. and Australia, ‘partner’ is used really widely as a label for straight couples,” he says. “Even within the U.S., there’s some variation. I had a conversation with a colleague not long ago who had lived on the East Coast, and he found that when he used ‘partner’ there, people immediately understood that he’s gay, but in California, when he uses partner, people don’t make that same assumption.” I know that, for me, because the word is so open to interpretation, I worry that some people might think I’m using “partner” not just because I want my progressive beliefs about relationships and identity to be known, but also because I want people to think I might also be queer.

“In the past, same-sex couples would sometimes use a ‘they’ pronoun in reference to their partner to just avoid gendering them and avoid bringing their sexuality up. It seems like some straight people might be doing something similar, but reversed. They might use the word partner because they want to leave some mystery or openness about the gender of their partner,” Zimman acknowledges. When I asked Zimman how he felt about this type of trickery, which is all too common among liberal, white, straight people, he said that, as a linguist, he is not inclined to make judgments about what is better or worse in terms of people’s language use. He did offer this, though: “The word partner could potentially be taken as a way of hiding the person’s actual sexual orientation, but of course, we do a lot of other things besides just using words to describe our relationships. So a conclusion on whether there’s any kind of queer-baiting going on is really something that you get from the full context. There’s a difference between a person who presents themselves consistently as ‘maybe I’m queer and I kind of want people to think that about me, even though I’m not’ versus a person who uses the word partner but also uses a pronoun to refer to their partner or has other things to say about who they are and how they identify. I think we don’t have to put as much pressure on this word partner to be what really matters in terms of how we’re presenting ourselves. Let’s start thinking about it more holistically.”

Zimman’s point that one single label — whether it be partner or boyfriend or emergency-contact — doesn’t have to do all heavy lifting when explaining who you are is an important one. It’s a reminder that saying the word partner feels complicated because identities and the nature of our many relationships themselves are complicated — and our collective history of inequality toward and stigmatization of queer relationships only makes it more so. Acknowledging that may make it easier to approach language without so much judgment, and more like a linguist — or even a busy nurse who can’t be bothered to reassure you that she understands that you’re in a serious relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Have a Threesome

— Whether You’re Single or in a Relationship

by Gabrielle Kassel

Third time’s the charm? More like: add a third, have a climax!

Today we’re talking all things three-ways.

Whether you’re monogamous, monogam-ish, open, polyamorous, single, dating, married, or somewhere in between, you’ll find something in this beginner’s guide for you.

The definition of threesome is probably looser than you think it is.

Ready? A threesome is sex between three people.

And sex is any meaningful act of pleasure that happens in person or with the help of technology, as defined by sex educator, psychotherapist, and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.

So a threesome could be anything from an R-rated group chat or a three-way phone sex call to an oral sex chain or an Eiffel Tower.

“Threesomes aren’t a cure-all for a broken relationship,” says certified intimacy educator and sex coach Stella Harris, author of “The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes.”

“The added pressure of an extra person is likely to amplify any cracks in a pre-established relationship’s stability,” she says.

Basically, a threesome is the opposite of a Band-Aid.

“For threesomes to go smoothly when there’s an existing couple involved, that relationship already needs to be solid,” she adds.

A solid relationship is one in which you can:

  • talk about both your wins and insecurities
  • hear your partner and feel heard by your partner
  • trust each other

Think about it: A threesome offers more hands, holes, and lips, as well as more scents, tastes, and sounds.

So the most common reason people have threesomes is to experience pleasure.

But there are other reasons, too. You might want:

And, hey, taboos can be hot!

The disparity between the number of folks who want to have a threesome and the number of folks actually having them is probably a lot larger than you’ve been led to believe.

Ready?

According to a survey of 4,175 adults conducted by Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a sex researcher and author of “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life,” 87 percent of women and 97 percent of men fantasize about having sex with more than one person.

The survey didn’t break this fantasy down into specifics, so this figure could include other forms of group sex, too.

All that said, some researchTrusted Source suggests that only 10 percent of women and 18 percent of men have actually had a threesome. Sigh.

It’s important to note that neither the survey nor the 2017 study mentioned above polled folks of other genders.

A sad consequence of living in a sex-negative society is that many often assume that threesomes are reserved for the kinkiest among us.

While there’s nothing (!!) wrong with this, the truth is that engaging in group sex doesn’t have to say anything about who you are.

Anyone who wants to have a threesome can have one!

N-O-P-E!

You can be any gender, sex, or sexuality and enjoy a three-way.

“There’s a common fear amidst straight men that you can’t be in a threesome with another man and still be straight,” explains Shelby Ring, sexuality advocate and lead educator with Ruby Riot Creatives (a boutique videography firm based in Charleston, South Carolina).

“But you can absolutely have a threesome with another man and still be straight as a door nail.”

Remember:

  1. Being in a threesome with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be touching them.

  2. Sexual acts don’t determine sexual orientation — only self-identification does.

Historically, threesomes have been named according to the make-up of males and females in them.

These terms include:

  • MMM: Male-male-male
  • FFF: Female-female-female
  • MFM: Male-female-male
  • FMF: Female-male-female
  • MMF: Male-male-female
  • FFM: Female-female-male

Nowadays, these designations are considered out of style.

The terms “male” and “female” suggest a biological binary that doesn’t exist.

Sometimes, the phrases “penis-owner” and “vagina-owner” are used to explain the make-up of a threesome. For example, PPV means a threesome with a penis-owner, penis-owner, and vagina-owner.

But these terms can create gender or genital dysphoria in folks who don’t feel connected to their genitals.

The best way to describe the configuration of your threesome is by the genders of each person involved. Are two of you nonbinary and one of you gender-fluid? Just say that!

A threesome isn’t a puppy! You can’t put it in a box with a bow under the Christmas tree, whip it out mid-romp, and yell “surprise.”

Introducing a third person into the bedroom requires tact and lots of open communication.

For instance, you might say:

  • “Babe, have you ever had a threesome? Or wanted to have a threesome?”
  • “I had the hottest threesome dream featuring you, me, and Ruby Rose last night. Can I tell you about it?”
  • “I recently read an article about threesomes, and it made me think it’s something that might be really fun to try together. Is it something you’d ever be interested in?”

Another option: Watch an episode or movie with a threesome or group sex scene together, then do a temperature check.

Popular movies and shows with group-play representation include:

  • “Sense 8”
  • “The L Word”
  • “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
  • “Easy”
  • “House of Cards”
  • “Elite”
  • “Game of Thrones”

While watching, you might consider saying, “Do you ever fantasize about doing that?” or “Have you ever wanted to have a threesome with me and another person?”

Of course, if they’re recoiling with discomfort, read (!) the (!) room (!).

 

Before you and your partner decide to move forward, Harris recommends that you both examine why you want to have a threesome.

“Are your ‘whys’ compatible? How does hearing their reasons make you feel?” she asks.

You’ll also want to discuss your relationship with jealousy.

“Are you prone to jealousy or insecurity? Do you feel comfortable speaking up for yourself and your boundaries?” she adds.

“Remember: Multi-person play can end up pressing on any weak points in your confidence or relationship.”

This depends on a variety of things, like whether you’re looking with someone else or alone and if physical distancing orders have been lifted.

Use a dating app geared towards threesomes

“There are dating apps geared toward kink or open relationships, which allow you to screen for people who are game for this kind of play before making your approach,” Harris says.

Some popular threesome dating apps include:

Or respectfully use another dating app

Obvi, there are other dating apps, too.

If you use an app that isn’t geared specifically toward group sex, Harris recommends that you “make sure to be transparent that you’re dating as a couple, or that you’re single and looking to join a couple.”

Attend an IRL or URL sex party

“In a sexually charged environment, like at a sex club or play party, these kinds of proposals typically feel pretty natural,” Harris says.

To find the sex clubs nearest you, hit up Google. Search for “sex club in [insert city here].”

To find a local play party, ask the educators at your local feminist sex shop.

Look within your polycule

If you’re polyamorous, you might consider looking within your non-monogamous network! As the saying goes, a polycule that plays together stays together…

You might say:

  • “My other partner finds you incredibly beautiful, and we were wondering if you might be interested in sleeping with us both?”
  • “You know my other partner? We’re interested in having a threesome together. Is that something you might be interested in?”

Don’t only talk about the potential threesome

Whether IRL or URL, “make sure to show an interest in the potential third beyond just sex,” Harris says.

Instead of launching right into threesome talk, get to know them.

“You want to find people you can enjoy talking to, not just fooling around with,” she says.

“Before you start playing, clarity is crucial,” Ring says.

Before clothes start coming off, she recommends discussing:

  • STI status
  • the sex acts that are “acceptable sex acts”
  • the birth control methods that are going to be used and by whom
  • the barrier methods that are going to be used, by whom, and when
  • the desired frequency for the three-way
  • whether there’s potential for the three-way to evolve into a (romantic) triad
  • where everyone will be sleeping after the threesome
  • the types of interactions you’ll have in the days, weeks, and months after the threesome

“Though these conversations may be uncomfortable at first, the more clarity you have, the better,” Ring adds.

Plus, having these clear communications upfront may be a great precursor to feel out the others’ emotional intelligence, too.

“If someone flares up at the thought of having to get STI tested, or becomes extremely reactive when talking about off-limit sex acts, that’s a red flag.”

There’s just one rule for group play: Everyone involved needs to feel — and encouraged to feel — safe, comfortable, and respected.

Beyond that, it’s up to you all to decide who touches who, when, how, and in what order.

Be direct

Wondering how the heck to go from talking about the weather to talking about how wet (or hard) you all are? Harris recommends being direct.

“Sometimes the best way to get there is simply by being direct,” she says. “You might say ‘Would you like to go upstairs/to the bedroom?’ or ‘May I kiss you now?’”

“As long as everyone knows the plan is for a threesome, you don’t need to be coy at this point.” Fair.

Let the more experienced person be the top

Has someone in the group had a threesome before? Harris suggests letting them take the reins.

“If someone in the group is more experienced, it can help if everyone agrees to let them take the lead.”

Consistently communicate

Just as constant communication is the key to pleasurable two-person play, it’s also key to three-person play, says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg The Patriarchy.

Here are some questions you might ask throughout:

  • “How does this feel?”
  • “Do you like it like this [performs one type of touch/lick/bite], or like this [performs another]?”
  • “How are you doing, baby?”

Some folks are OK with a quick check-in before they’re out the door. Others want to cuddle or hop in the shower. Some pairs want to Talk It Out after the third leaves.

There’s no wrong post-threesome move, per say. But you do want to be respectful of everyone’s emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs.

“Like with most things, the only way to be sure you’re on the same page is to ask,” says Harris.

You might say:

  • “Does anyone need water or food?”
  • “How are everyone’s muscles, genitals, and energy levels? Does anyone need ice, a heating pad, lube, or CBD suppository?”
  • “How are you feeling emotionally?”
  • “What are you thinking about?”

“You can also check in with your threesome group the day after and invite any conversations now that the sexy dust has settled,” Matatas says.

Sure, you could you whip out Siri and ask, “What does DP mean?” Or you could pursue the short threesome term sheet below.

Unicorn

A unicorn is an omnisexual (i.e. pansexual or bisexual) individual who’s down to hook-up with both members of a pre-established couple in a no-strings-attached three-way.

Historically, the term referred specifically to bisexual women, but it has since expanded to refer to eager thirds across the spectrum.

Guest star

Often used synonymous with unicorn, the term guest star suggests that the third (who is not part of the established couple) is going to receive the majority of the attention.

Daisy chain

Daisy chaining is the three-person version of 69-ing. It involves everyone simultaneously giving and receiving oral sex.

Double penetration (DP)

Any sex act that involves one person having one or more orifices — anus, vagina, or mouth — filled with two things.

This could include any combination of penises, dildos, ball gags, butt plugs, other sex toys, or fingers.

Double vaginal penetration (DVP)

This happens when a vagina-owner has their vaginal canal simultaneously filled by two penises, two dildos, or one of each.

Threesomes can be pleasurable as long as there’s plenty of chit-chat along the way.

So, in the words of Tash Sultana and Matt Corby, “Let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out. Baby let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Am I Always Horny?

These 3 Reasons Could Explain It

What’s “normal” when it comes to libido, according to experts.

By Mia Cross

Sexual turn-ons and libido vary widely from person to person. But if you’re finding yourself horny all the time, you might be concerned if this is normal and okay, or if it’s a sign of a bigger issue. Here’s what sex experts had to say about what’s normal, what’s not, and why you might want sex constantly.

What’s normal when it comes to sex drive

Experts agree that it’s difficult to establish what’s “normal” when it comes to arousal and frequency of sexual activity. Using words like “normal” doesn’t actually help, because desire and drive for sex fluctuates throughout life, and you should never feel like your experience is less valid that anybody else’s.

Basically, a normal, healthy sex drive is one that you feel comfortable with—whether that’s wanting sex once a month or twice a day.

Most couples typically have sex once a week, according to a large national analysis of sexual frequency from 1989 through 2014, published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017. Of course, how much sex you have and how much sex you want are often very different things. Studies have found that around half of men and women in heterosexual relationships are content with how often they have sex with their partners, with half of the men dissatisfied with the amount of sex they’re having usually because they want more sex. About two-thirds of unsatisfied women also want more sex.

What if you’re always horny?

“The key difference between ‘normal’ or healthy sexuality and concerning sexuality is the presence of distress about your sexuality, a sense the behavior is out of control, and/or negative, real-world consequences to your sexual behavior,” Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, clinical sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, tells Health.

If you believe you’re having too many sexual urges for your personal comfort level, or you seem to be in a state of constant stimulation, here are three possible explanations.

You’re just hot for your partner

If you describe yourself as horny all the time, you might be overthinking things. The early stages of a relationship (roughly the first three months to two years) tend to be marked by passion and excitement, which often translate to high levels of sexual desire and activity, Melancon says. This is often called the “limerence” stage of a relationship and involves a number of hormones and neurotransmitters that create very strong emotional and sexual feelings.

Although couples in long-term relationships—no matter how happy they are together—can’t return to the limerence stage, they can continue to enjoy their sex life by building trust, a sense of commitment, and having open communication about their sexual needs, Melancon says.

You’re “addicted” to sex

So-called sex addiction is similar to “addition” to video games, cell phone use, or porn viewing—basically, these behaviors are not physiologically addictive in the same way as heroin, alcohol, or cocaine,” Melancon explains. Plus, there’s some concern that telling someone they are addicted to sex stigmatizes people with higher sex drives. The traditional addiction model does not adequately address the underlying issues leading to the behavior of people in whom sex is compulsive or impulsive.

Sex addiction was considered for inclusion in DSM-5, the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—a key diagnostic tool used by US practitioners to diagnose psychiatric illnesses. But it was rejected due to lack of evidence. However, in his 2016 article in the journal Addiction, Richard B. Krueger, MD, medical director at New York State Psychiatric Institute’s sexual behavior clinic, said that a diagnosis of hypersexual or compulsive sexual behavior can still be made using the ICD‐10 (the 10th revision of the International Classification of Diseases, which is considered the global standard for coding health information and causes of death) and the DSM‐5.

There’s ongoing debate among professionals about the idea of “sex addiction.” “Some think it is a manufactured disorder and that it pathologizes sexual behavior,” Dr. Krueger tells Health. “Others think that it is a behavioral addiction, such as internet gaming disorder or pathological gambling disorder.” (He is of the opinion that it is possible to be addicted to sex.)

“Sex addiction affects countless adolescents and adults who I evaluate in clinic,” Leela R. Magavi, MD, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and regional medical director for California-based Community Psychiatry, tells Health. “Some individuals contend that masturbating or having sex recurrently helps them attain a sense of pleasure equivalent to what they experience when they gamble or use a substance such as cocaine.”

You have hypersexuality disorder

“Some individuals use the terms ‘sex addiction’ and ‘hypersexuality’ interchangeably,” Dr. Magavi says. “Sex addiction and hypersexuality may affect individuals’ functionality and cause relationship concerns.”

Mental health practitioners consider certain factors when treating somebody who is concerned by their own sexual behavior. Melancon says there are a number of reasons somebody’s sex drive can rise that are worth looking into. “Sex can be used as a coping mechanism, much in the way people eat their feelings, binge watch, drink, or use drugs to avoid dealing with their emotions and problems,” she explains. In some cases, trauma (sexual or non-sexual) can lead to hypersexual behavior— Melancon says this is largely a way to deal with ongoing and uncomfortable nervous system reactions in the body.

Some mental health conditions, such as obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) may be associated with a change in sex drive and sexual interest.

What to do if you’re worried about your high sex drive

It’s definitely possible to have a very high sex drive and have healthy sexual relationships, but an elevated sex drive might lead to risky sexual behavior, Melancon warns. This may present as sex without a condom or birth control, legal risks (such as sex in public places), and/or crossing others’ boundaries (such as manipulating others for sex or in extreme cases, committing rape or sexual assault).

If you’re concerned about the risks of your high sex drive, she suggests considering certain questions: Are there emotional, relational, or behavioral patterns in your sex drive and/or sexual behavior? (i.e., do certain emotions, relationship challenges, or behaviors seem to lead to increased sexual interest?) If you are acting on your sexual urges, are you keeping yourself safe or are you putting yourself at risk in ways you would not if your sex drive was lower? Have you experienced any negative consequences from your sexual behavior?

Also ask yourself if you have unmet emotional needs that you may be attempting to address through sex. “For instance, some people crave to feel wanted, seen (literally and figuratively), or loved—and while all of these are perfectly human wants, they may attempt to get them met through unhealthy ways, which often ironically take us farther from what we truly need deep down,” Melancon explains.

If you notice that sex is taking the place of time spent with family, sleeping, or eating, and/or it’s affecting your day-to-day functionality overall, schedule an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist, Dr. Magavi advises. If you feel like you’re losing control, or you feel helpless, it’s important to reach out for help.

During any professional evaluation, it’s normal to be asked if you have any concerns about your sexual functioning or beahvior, Dr. Krueger says. To get the most out of the experience, be honest and remember that no reputable mental health practitioner will pass moral judgment. Their role is to help you work through the root issues and reach a place where you’re happy and comfortable with your sex drive—whatever it looks like.

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The A-to-Z Guide to Open Relationship Terminology

Opening things up is more complicated than hot sex with lots of partners. It’s also going to involve some intense conversations, and having the right words can be a big help.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Open relationships are becoming incredibly mainstream—more and more people are recognizing that monogamy only works for some people, and there’s nothing wrong if that’s not you. But if you’re new to ethical non-monogamy, you may have questions. For instance, are you a cuck for feeling compersion, or a CPOS for experiencing jealousy? No, but you should brush up on your terminology before entering a monogam-ish relationship. Opening things up is more complicated than getting down with lots of partners. (Fingers crossed for you, though!) Putting the “ethical” in “non-monogamy” typically involves a lot of conversations.  

You hear a lot about polyamory or monogamy, but the truth is that there’s a relationship format for every couple. As with BDSM, having the right terminology is going to be a good first step. “Regardless of relationship structure—whether monogamous or non-monogamous—every single relationship is different. Even for people who identify as strictly poly or strictly monogamous, there’s no one definition of what those terms mean, they shift according to the agreements of the parties involved,” says gender, sexuality, and relationship therapist Dulcinea Pitagora, PhD. “More important than how you label your relationship structure is how you communicate about it with your parters or partners.” 

But knowing a few open relationship terms is a good starting place. So, check out this list and learn the lingo, consider sharing this glossary with your metamours, and start talking through what kind of relationship that works and truly makes you happy. 

Bigamy This old-fashioned term refers to the practice of marrying someone when you’re already married to someone else. Bigamy is actually illegal, so make sure to check the timeline on that second marriage.

Boundary Boundaries are rules that you establish if you’re going to practice ethical non-monogamy, and they are crucial to its success. For instance, some couples only date other people together, or keep any emotional exes off the menu. An agreement to use latex barriers with all other parties is a common (and important) boundary.

Cheating Cheating is simply unethical non-monogamy. Cheating usually ends up with one (or more) parties hurt, so please choose an ethical version of non-monogamy if you know that the whole one-partner-for-life thing isn’t for you.

Compersion Compersion is a warm emotion some rare people get through seeing their partner’s joy or sexual gratification from another person. 

CPOS A term coined by the sex writer Dan Savage, it stands for “cheating piece of shit.” We can poly preach all that we want, but not everyone is going to be interested in ethical non-monogamy. Some people get off on the thrill of cheating, and doing things ethically would remove that sexy sneakiness.

Cuck Before the word “cuck” was hijacked by the alt-right, it referred to a perfectly good kink. Speaking traditionally, a cuck gets off on watching his wife (known in this situation as the hot-wife) have sex with another man. The female version of a cuck is known as a cuckquean.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell This doesn’t refer to the military policy— but it can also be disastrous. In Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) relationships a couple is allowed to sleep with other people, but they agree not to talk about it. Not generally considered the best way of going about things. 

Dragon A dragon is the male version of a unicorn, the mythical and hard-to-catch beautiful bisexual who will fly in, have a fun and hot threesome with a couple, and leave their relationship undisturbed. But there’s no reason to keep things so rigidly gendered—we say identify as a unicorn or dragon purely on mythical creature preference.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM (not to be confused with EDM, although there is massive overlap at Burning Man) is an umbrella term that includes all the various ways to have an open relationship.

Fluid-bonded Fluid-bonded means a partner you don’t use condoms with. Fluid-bonding is more intentional than simply having unprotected sex–ideally you both have been tested and know one another’s statuses. (Like, if one partner has herpes the other probably does, too.) It is possible to be responsibly fluid-bonded with more than one person—perhaps in a closed throuple—but complications increase exponentially with every new person. 

Hierarchical Poly Hierarchical poly is a polyamorous relationship in which there is a clear pecking order. One primarily partner prevails, but the couple has other “secondary partners” who they get to bone on nights away from their spouse.

Jealousy This emotion is experienced by monogamous and non-monogamous people alike. In open-relationship contexts, it’s often felt as anger, betrayal, and insecurity triggered by your partner’s relationship with or desire for another. Managing and talking through these feelings is often at the center of successfully practicing ENM.   

Metamour Metamour is a pretentious poly term for your partner’s partners. “Evan is cool, I’ve never gone down on them, but they’re my metamour.”

Monogam-ish Monogamish is another term coined by Dan Savage, and describes couples who are basically monogamous, but respect human nature. If someone’s on a business trip and makes out with a hottie, or asks permission to get some side action once in a while, there’s no dramatic fight or breakup.

Monogamy Monogamy means that two people agree only to love and fuck one another until the end of time (or until they meet someone else that they want to be monogamous with). It is an excellent option…for some people!

Nesting Partner A nesting partner is a live-in partner, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a primary partner. In fact, they may be relationship anarchists who don’t even have sex, but they will definitely hear you have sex, because they live with the person you’re boinking.

New Relationship Energy Or NRE, this describes that buzzy high you get early on in a relationship. It’s usually just good sex, but it can mess with your brain and feel a lot like love. It’s responsible for people jumping into relationships too quickly only to realize that they left their true love for an idiot who is good in the sack. The practical aspect of open relationships allows you to enjoy NRE without needing to dump your primary partner over it.

Old Relationship Energy While NRE is bouncy and fun, old relationship energy, or ORE, is the comforting, dependable, and (if you’re lucky) still-orgasmic experience of a healthy long term relationship. 

One Penis Rule The one penis rule (or OPP, one penis policy) is a mostly frowned-upon type of open relationship in which a couple dates other women, or people with vaginas, but there’s only one dick to rule them all. These are often the couples you see on Tinder unicorn-hunting.

Open Relationship Open relationship is an umbrella term that includes poly people, swingers, and anyone else who agrees that they aren’t cut out for monogamy.

Paramour A paramour typically refers to an illicit lover of a married person, so it’s technically an unethical non-monogamous term—but can be a fun way to refer to a partner if everyone is on the same page. 

Polyamory Polyamory literally translates to “many loves.” It’s a form of ethical non-monogamy that invites not only sex with more than one person, but romantic and emotional relationships with more than one person.

Polycule A group or network of people in a polyamorous relationship. “Sorry mom, I can’t come visit because of COVID, but I will be quarantined upstate in an Airbnb with my polycule for the rest of winter.”

Polyfidelity Just because there’s more than two doesn’t mean that fidelity is off the table in poly relationships. Polyfidelity refers to a poly family who are all equal partners, restrict sexual activity to those in said poly family, and basically act like a monogamous couple except there’s many more people.

Polygamy Polygamy is the practice of being married to more than one person—not the same thing as polyamory! 

Poly-preaching: Poly-preaching is the act of rambling on about how poly relationships are superior to monogamous ones. If you hear someone reference the mating rituals of bonobos or utter the words “You know, humans aren’t meant to be monogamous…” then you are likely a victim of poly-preaching.

Primary Partner Your primary partner is your bae, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your one true love, your life partner, and the main romantic interest in your life. Many folks in open relationships have a primary partner and then secondary or shared partners (see: Hierarchical Poly).

Quad Nothing to do with university landscape architecture in this case—a quad is four people who are in a relationship together. 

Relationship Anarchy Practitioners of RA use anarchist concepts to deny hierarchy within relationships and forgo imposed expectations. They don’t give special treatment to their sexual relationships—in RA, a relationship that is sexual doesn’t take priority over a relationship that is platonic. An intimate friendship, romantic partner, and a roommate (see: Nesting Partner) can carry equal weight and importance.

Relationship Orientation While your sexual orientation determines who you are attracted to, a relationship orientation refers to which relationship format is right for you. Are you monogamous, poly, or somewhere in the middle? Please figure it out to reduce broken hearts. 

Sexually Open Sexually open relationships allow for sex with others but ask you to hold the romance and emotions. They’re a fantastic option for couples with high sex drives who want to have their emotional monogamy but eat out others, too. One word of caution about sexually open relationships is that it can be much harder to regulate emotions than expected, so don’t be surprised if someone catches feelings.

Solo Poly While some poly people want a primary partner (see: hierarchical poly) others dislike hierarchy within their relationships and want everyone to be on the same playing field.

Swinging It’s a widely-used term that’s mostly an aesthetic rather than practical description. It typically refers to a couple, maybe a bit older, who pork other couples, perhaps at special resorts.

Throuple In case the cute play on words didn’t give it away, a throuple is three people who are in a relationship. 

Unicorns Unicorns (see: dragons) are often female or non-binary mythical creatures who just want to come over and fuck a couple and leave nothing behind. While a unicorn can call themselves a unicorn, it’s considered distasteful for a couple to go unicorn hunting. (It’s a sign that not enough consideration is going into the needs and desires of the person on the other side of the hunt.) 

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Why We Feel Shame After We Orgasm

By Gigi Engle

Have you ever looked at something you know is objectively “gross” and found that you’re a little … turned on? Read on if this sounds familiar to you. Because, you know what? It’s a lot more common than you think.

When we’re turned on, the part of our brain that registers disgust and fear tends to switch off. Things that we may register as gross, scary, or weird when we’re in a resting state take on erotic meaning once we’re turned on.

This is why people enjoy things like spanking, spitting, water-sports (when you pee on someone) and rimming. In the context of everyday life, these things probably aren’t appealing to you. You wouldn’t want someone to spit on you in the grocery store, or have your partner pee on you while you’re cooking dinner. Well, maybe you do (no judgement), but the majority of people require their minds and bodies to be in a sexually aroused state for these things to be hot and not off-putting.

Pam Shaffer, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that it’s totally normal to be aroused by something we’d otherwise find disgusting because of the complex nature of arousal itself.

“Our brain isn’t the best at determining why it’s in a heightened state (aka feeling arousal), but it could be due to a host of factors, including fear, disgust, and fascination with the taboo,” she tells TheBody.

Let’s get into the nitty gritty of post-orgasmic shame, why it happens, and where we go from here.

The Post-Orgasmic Blues

You’ve probably heard of the post-orgasmic afterglow, right? How after you’re finished having sex (whatever kind of sex), you sort of lie there in each other’s arms and feel super blissed out? This happens because our bodies are awash with a chemical cocktail of feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.

But there is a counter-state that doesn’t get very much airtime in the mainstream media that requires acknowledgement: The post-orgasmic (or post-coital) blues (also known as post-coital dysphoria). This denotes the crash that can take place immediately following orgasm. Can you relate to this? It happens. One study showed that nearly 50% of women experience sadness after sex.

Sometimes we don’t feel the way we think we’re supposed to. The release of all that orgasmic energy doesn’t always make us feel amazing in the minutes after sex. In fact, it can make us feel depleted, sad, or lonely. Lanae St. John, D.H.Sc., a board-certified sexologist and author of Read Me: A Parental Primer for “The Talk”, tells TheBody that laughing out loud, crying, feeling amazing, or feeling sad is all due to the release we experience in orgasm. It may manifest as all kinds of emotions—it’s a release of tension and intense feelings we’ve been holding inside.

Both the afterglow and the blues are completely normal and temporary. The two seemingly extreme opposite states are a great example of how complicated human sexuality really is.

But, if you find yourself unable to move on from the post-coital funk, it could be something more than the blues. If you feel depressed for a few days or weeks after sex, seek out the professional help of a qualified therapist, as this could be a sign of clinical depression or anxiety, rather than post-orgasm crash.

Shame About Sex Can Impact Us More Than We Realize

Data also shows that sex-negative messaging from childhood and subsequent shame around sex can impact your sexual wellness substantially. We live in a culture that finds sex wrong, sinful, and disgusting. And, at the same time, we’re inundated with sexualized images from the mainstream media. Sex is everywhere, but sex is forbidden. The world we live in is immersed in a sexual shame/sexual obsession paradox of its own design.

For instance, think about watching some really “sicko” level porn (I use the word “sicko” in the sense that it’s something we “think” we’re sickos for watching). We’re very turned on by the scene. Maybe we searched for it. Maybe it came up on the endless stream of clips available on free tube sites. We masturbate to it, have sex with someone while watching it, or some variation of this.

And then, there is often a switch; a flip in mental state that changes everything. After orgasm you look at the half-finished clip and are horrified. You think, “OMG I cannot watch this” and have to turn it off immediately. It is no longer hot, it’s bad and gross. This is, of course, also connected to how we associate sex with shame and being a bad dirty thing that makes us bad dirty people.

“When we are in the moment and following our pleasure, hopefully to the peak experience that is orgasm, then we are giving ourselves permission to enjoy and experience; but for some, once the experience is over, our thinking comes back online, [and] we become more consciously aware of ourselves, which can bring about negative thoughts or feelings (even though we have done nothing wrong),” Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist and host of The Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast, tells TheBody. We are in that heightened arousal state, and once we crash out of it, the shame takes over from where the hard-on was.

Untying yourself from sexual shame takes perseverance and a lot of internal and community work. Therapy helps. Admitting something is holding you back from being your true, authentic sexual self helps. We can’t begin to heal if we keep pretending we aren’t hurt. And we’re all hurt.

Sex isn’t shameful. You aren’t shameful for enjoying it—in whatever form you like having it—with other consenting adults, or on your own. It’s a hard message to learn, but as we shift into a more sex-positive future (hopefully) it can begin to manifest. “If you notice the self-criticism, think about where this comes from—question the messages and see if there are any alternatives that are healthier, or if your narratives need updating,” Moyle adds.

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What Is A Female-Led Relationship?

The 3 Different Forms & How To Explore

by Kelly Gonsalves

If you’re a woman who likes being in control or a man who likes playing a more subordinate role, you might be interested—or already finding yourself involved in—female-led relationships.

What is a female-led relationship, or FLR?

A female-led relationship, or FLR, is traditionally a type of BDSM relationship between a dominant woman and a submissive man. Although the term originated within the kink community, some people now use the term “female-led relationship” more generally to describe any relationship between a man and a woman wherein the woman holds more power than the man, whether in terms of breadwinner status, decision-making authority, or the couple’s sexual dynamic.

“The definition has many variants, as this is a wide umbrella term,” according to sex educator and professional dominatrix Lola Jean. “FLR can be any relationship that is not ‘male-led.’ In its most lenient format, [an FLR may be] more of an equal-power or varied-power exchange between partners. In its more extreme and perhaps traditional [form], FLR is a relationship where the female, or femme, is the decision-maker for the other partner. This could be anything from their finances to their attire to more menial tasks like chores.”

Any of the below dynamics might be involved in an FLR, though not all need to be present for a relationship to be considered FLR:

  • The woman is the sole or primary income earner in the relationship.
  • The man handles most or all of the domestic responsibilities and child care.
  • The woman is the chief decision-maker in the relationship.
  • The woman’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are given priority over the man’s in the relationship.
  • The woman has full financial control in the relationship, including controlling what the man is or isn’t allowed to spend money on.
  • The woman is sexually dominant, and most sexual encounters revolve around her pleasure.
  • The woman is typically the one that decides when and how to have sex.
  • The man’s role is largely submissive and obedient, whether in the relationship, in bed, or both.
  • The man and woman are largely equal in their day-to-day lives, but the woman is dominant in the bedroom.

The kink vs. feminist relationships.

In the kink community, FLR specifically refers to an eroticized power dynamic wherein women have power over men in a relationship, whether sexually, financially, or in terms of day-to-day decision-making. But some people have begun to embrace the term as a sort of synonym for a feminist relationship or a relationship where the woman is the head of the household.

“We’ve seen many BDSM terms and concepts seep into mainstream culture,” sex therapist and researcher Gloria Brame, Ph.D., tells mbg. “FLR is another term that once specifically referred to a female-dominant/submissive-male dynamic but which can be understood by any feministic people.”

As a kink, FLR gets much of its excitement and thrill from turning traditional gender roles on their head, Jean explains. Where our society still tends to view men as dominant and women as submissive, FLR consciously flips the scripts and indulges in a power dynamic that places women on top.

That said, today’s culture is thankfully starting to shed its old gender norms in general. It’s becoming increasingly common for women to be the primary earners in their households and for relationships to seek more egalitarian grounds by consciously empowering the women in them. Nearly 30% of women in dual-income marriages make more money than their husbands, according to 2018 census data. It’s also becoming common for women to take the reins in the bedroom, even outside the world of BDSM. While a dominant woman may have previously been seen as a rarity or a kinky fantasy, today it’s much more mainstream.

As such, many couples might find themselves accurately represented within the broadest definition of “FLR,” even if the term isn’t one they would necessarily use to describe themselves.

A low-control “female-led relationship” is essentially a typical progressive relationship, which is the broadest type of FLR. The man and woman both contribute equally to the household and share many of the core responsibilities, from earning money to raising the kids to chores. Both partners provide income, with the woman earning the same or more money than the man. Both partners also participate in housework and child care, with the man equally sharing or doing the majority of the domestic duties. Alternatively, the woman may be the sole breadwinner of the household, with the man handling all domestic duties.

This type of dynamic isn’t necessarily an FLR in the BDSM sense, though some people would still consider it an FLR insofar as it subverts traditional gender roles.

“Everything is power. There are always power dynamics and exchanges present in any relationship, no matter if they identify it as BDSM or not,” Jean notes. “Anything can be D/s [aka a dominant-submissive relationship] if that is how you define it, though nothing is innately so—it all depends on how we categorize.”

The more common form of FLR involves the woman having anywhere from a moderate to high level of control over the man in the relationship, and this dynamic is usually more explicitly explored as a form of kink or BDSM.

Depending on the dynamic the partners desire and agree to, the woman may have control over various parts of the relationship and the man’s life. This might include making all the big decisions in the relationship, having the final say in what they do or don’t spend money on, assigning most or all domestic responsibilities to the man, and/or being the chief orchestrator of their sex life. The partners may also explore power play or domination themes in their sex life, with the woman playing the dominant role and the man in the submissive role.

In this type of FLR, typically the control has some limits or is only relevant in some parts of their lives but not all of it, or the partners shift in and out of the power dynamic as desired or needed. “When a BDSM dynamic is present, there is more likely to be negotiation, aftercare, check-ins on needs, and predetermined rituals or routines,” Jean adds.

Some FLRs involve complete control and fall under the umbrella of 24/7 D/s, aka a relationship where the power dynamic is lived day in and day out throughout the partners’ entire lives. The woman has full and total control over the man’s life, and the unequal roles between the woman and man are less of a role-play happening in certain situations and more of a full, dedicated lifestyle.

“This is more akin to TPE (total power exchange) that requires heavy negotiation and sometimes even a contract,” Jean explains, adding, “When done sanely and consensually, there should always be moments for check-in and renegotiation. Even if the submissive is adamant on TPE or ‘no safe words’-type of mentality, an ethical Dominant will understand the balance.”

Benefits of FLR for the man.

An FLR can allow men to experience a relationship where they aren’t responsible for everything and where they can enjoy having someone else be in charge without shame. “It removes the pressure to conform to an unrealistic model of masculinity carved for him by society,” Brame explains. “By feeling free to choose his own path, he opens himself up to who he really is and [this] helps him to live a fuller life.”

Some men also specifically enjoy the feeling of being subordinated or even humiliated, in part because these feelings and experiences are considered so taboo in mainstream culture. It’s a similar reason some men enjoy cuckolding or ruined orgasms—it’s the power dynamic.

Benefits of FLR for the woman.

For women, an FLR can be a way to fully step into their power in a way that simply isn’t possible yet in most of mainstream society. “Power means freedom. You get the final say on things, which can be especially exhilarating for women who grew up in conservative male-led homes,” Brame says. “It also brings responsibility—suddenly you are the one responsible for the big choices. For women who love the challenges of taking responsibility and honoring commitments, it’s transformative to have so much control.”

Some women also simply get a sexual thrill from dominating and subjugating others, again because it’s so taboo to explore these dynamics in other parts of life.

How to set up a female-led relationship:

1. Understand what you want.

Before diving into any form of kink, BDSM, or power play, it’s important to understand what you want and what your boundaries are, as well as those of your partner.

“Go about understanding your own desires first,” Jean says. “How do you want it to make you feel? What aspects of your/their life do you want to be up for control? What areas do you not want to be up for control?”

It may be helpful to research FLR dynamics or general D/s relationship dynamics to understand what the possibilities are, what you want, and what you don’t want.

2. Communicate what you want early on.

If the FLR dynamic is something that’s integral to your sexual or romantic relationships, Jean says it’s important to communicate what you want early on in a potential relationship. “You don’t have to lead with it necessarily, though you could.”

There are sites and apps that are specifically geared toward finding partners who are interested in kink, BDSM, and specifically FLR, which may be good places to start your search if you’re just starting your exploration and know you’re only looking for partners who are game for this dynamic.

Tell your partner what kind of dynamic you have in mind and what excites you about it, and allow them to indicate their interest level to you before proceeding into the details. An FLR is only possible with a fully willing partner, so back off if they say they’re not into it.

FLR, particularly when it involves higher levels of control, can be an intense dynamic. “Start small if this is something you haven’t played with before. The fantasy of something can often be much different from the reality,” Jean says.

Once you find a partner who’s game, you can discuss what you each are comfortable with and begin to incorporate elements of FLR into your relationship. Make sure to continue communicating and checking in regularly to ensure the dynamic is feeling good for both parties.

4. Talk to other people who enjoy FLRs.

“Don’t rely solely on your potential partners for exploring or understanding this kink,” Jean recommends. “Befriend individuals who fall on the same side of the power exchange to discuss their experience. This will benefit you, as partners may come and go. It also puts less onus on your partner to bear the weight of your kink and desires.”

A female-led relationship can be a form of kink or simply a way to make sure women are empowered in their relationships. There are many ways to experience an FLR, so communicate with your partners about what you’re looking for and why so you can see if there’s common ground to mutually explore.

“An FLR opens the door to greater equality among genders as old ideas about ‘real men’ are finally put to rest,” Brame says. “All people (cis and trans) feel empowered to choose the kind of relationship dynamic that works best for them and their partners, without pressure to conform to ideologies instead of what makes them happy.”

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What does bicurious mean?

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.”

By Gina Tonic

Sexuality exists on a spectrum and if one end holds people who consider themselves to be 100 per cent gay or lesbian, towards the opposite end you’ll find a space for those who identify as bicurious. But, many of us don’t really know what bicurious means, and how it differs from heteroflexible or bisexual. It’s also said to contribute to bisexual erasure. So here’s what you need to know about bicuriosity.

What does bicurious mean?

Put simply (although the topic is actually quite nuanced and complex), bicuriosity refers to those who are interested in exploring their sexual identity with people of the same and other genders. Elyssa Rider, a sexual education and wellbeing specialist from Brook explains, “Bicurious is a term that means that someone is questioning their sexuality and where they fall on the spectrum. I think there can be a tendency for people to use this term when they have formerly identified at heterosexual but think they might be interested romantically or sexually in their own gender.”

Rider adds, “I also understand that some people identify with the term when they feel desire, but perhaps have not physically explored that yet.” The confusion over what bicurious can mean could easily be contributed to the lack of representation given to this sexuality. That said, one of the best scenes in Scott Pilgrim vs The World – a movie that has many incredible scenes – gives us a great insight into why the term is sometimes considered controversial in the queer community.

The scene plays out in the second half of the movie and focuses on Pilgrim’s realisation that he has been assuming all of Ramona Flowers’ “evil exes” are men. When forced to fight Roxie Richter, Flowers’ ex-girlfriend from college, it becomes clear that Flowers has been repeatedly and purposefully reinforcing that she has “seven evil exes” and not “seven evil ex boyfriends” for a reason. Still, Flowers flippantly dismisses the relationship as a “bicurious phase” and Richter – ready to attack – declares herself “bifurious”.

Why do some people dislike the term?

This scene is impeccable not only for getting every bisexual I know to put “bifurious” in their Tinder bio, but on a deeper level, representing the rage of many queer women who have been treated as a “phase” in an (otherwise straight) woman’s life rather than a valid relationship or viable long-term sexual partner. Cory Bush, a sex positive doula and queer sex educator, explains that this sentiment between queer and bicurious people is still a common one.

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be”

“A lot of queer people have been through the experience of being a bicurious person’s ‘experiment’ to help them explore their sexuality. There is nothing wrong with sexual exploration in itself, but when you are exploring your sexuality, it’s important to keep in mind that you’re navigating these feelings with real live people who have their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and boundaries.” Bush explains, “I don’t think the negative effect comes from bicuriosity itself, but rather when bicurious people forget to acknowledge and honour the humanity of the people who they are exploring with.”

This stigma that sees bicurious people as “using” other people to satisfy their questions surrounding sexuality, however, is one that many feel is attributed to those who identify as queer too. Emily, a 25-year-old bisexual, says she has no problem with the label bicurious or those that use it, but that “it becomes problematic when it’s used as a way to dismiss a bisexual person’s experience as experimentation alone or a phase they will grow out of.”

Pansexual Megan agrees, telling me, “I had been out as queer for about six months and explained to a colleague who knew me from a ‘straight-passing’ relationship that I had a crush on our female co-worker, and he asked if [I was] bicurious.” They continue, “I feel like cis straight people use the term bicurious to basically invalidate queer people who have recently come out, to suggest that it’s a phase.”

As well as affecting those more recently opening up about their identity like Megan suggests, Rider adds that she believes women and femme-presenting folk are more likely to suffer from the unsavoury stigmas that the term bicurious adds to the bisexual identity. “People can be dismissive, or suggest that someone is exploring their sexuality for attention.” She describes, “This is a jibe particularly levelled at women, whose sexuality is often viewed through the male gaze.”

Libby, a 27-year-old bisexual, similarly feels that the term is “patriarchal” and dated. “Bicurious is a term that is used to diminish a woman’s sexuality, because men can’t understand that a woman can have feelings for other women, which has nothing to do with the male gaze.” She adds, “It’s not just men either, other women have projected their similar reductive opinions towards bisexuality onto me.”

It’s not just straight people who can be bicurious

While the assumption with bicuriosity is that those subscribing to this label are straight people wishing to test out their queer desires, this is not always the case. Tilda, a 20-year-old bicurious lesbian, finds the term helpful in explaining her point of view. “It’s been really important for me to primarily identify as a lesbian, yet utilise the bicurious label when I’m still figuring my sexuality out.” She considers, “It helps me retain my core identity as a dyke, which is so significant to who I am – but a dyke who occasionally wants to try men!”

“You can have any sexual identity and it’s valid whether you ever explore it or not”

Just as it is unhelpful to bisexual people to assume all bisexual people are the same as bicurious people, so too is it invalidating to infer that all those using the bicurious descriptor are straight individuals looking to experiment with queerness. As Tilda says, bicurious can be used as a label for anyone with a monosexual (those attracted to only one gender) identity looking to explore outside of the gender they are typically attracted to.

As Bush put it, the problem with bicuriosity isn’t the people who want to explore their sexuality – especially in a society where heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality is so dominant – but the stereotypes associated with wanting to do. Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.

Rider adds, “you can have any sexual identity and it would be valid no matter whether you ever explored it romantically or sexually or not. It is also important to remember that it is okay if you explore your sexuality and change your mind about how you identify.” She finishes, “Sexuality is fluid, and it’s perfectly natural to change your opinion about something as you gain more knowledge and experience in other areas of your life, so why not this?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Myths About Pansexuality That Need To Be Quashed

Pansexual Flag

By Ritika Joshi

Pansexuality is a sexual identity where a person is attracted towards people regardless of sex or gender identity. The prefix pan- is derived from Ancient Greek and means all, thus pansexuality means they are open to all, irrespective of sex or gender.  Famous celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Janelle Monáe, and Cara Delevingne have stated that they are pansexual, normalising pansexuality as a sexual identity. There has also been an increase in pansexual characters in mainstream media, which allows for people to explore their own sexual identity. Here is a list of common myths and misconceptions about pansexuality, and why they are incorrect.

1. Pansexuality Isn’t Real

Dismissing pansexuality by claiming it is a myth or doesn’t exist serves no purpose other than being discriminatory. By denying one’s sexual orientation or sexual identity, it prevents them from accepting themselves and their identity. Allowing people to identify however they see fit harms no one, and allows for people to be more comfortable with how they label themselves.

2. Pansexuality = Bisexuality

Since sexuality is a spectrum, there is no one rigid definition of bisexuality and pansexuality. Generally, bisexuality is the attraction to more than one gender while pansexuality is often described as attraction regardless of gender. Many pansexual people state that their attraction focuses on personality rather than gender.

“I always will remain, I think, pansexual. However one defines themselves, whether it’s ‘they’ or ‘he’ or ‘she,’ I fall in love with the person — and that’s that. I’m attracted to the person.” – Cara Delevingne

The definition of bisexuality and pansexuality may vary from person to person, and the fact that the definitions seem similar makes it hard to distinguish. People identify with whichever term they feel more comfortable with. The right move is to listen to whatever people identify as, and not try to diminish it. Since sexuality is nuanced and varies from person to person, it is important to understand bisexuality and pansexuality means something different for everybody.

3. Pansexual People Are Promiscuous

Being attracted to people regardless of gender does not automatically mean that pansexual people are interested in everyone. The assumption that pansexual people are more promiscuous is unfounded and based on misconceptions about sexuality. Pansexual people aren’t attracted to everyone, the same way heterosexual people aren’t attracted to everybody from the opposite gender.

4. Pansexual People Cannot Be Monogamous

Assuming that pansexual people cannot remain monogamous and faithful to their partner is a myth. The assumption that pansexual people are cheaters is an unfounded belief that stems from misconceptions about sexual identities and pansexuality. Just because someone has the capacity to be attracted to anyone irrespective of gender, doesn’t mean they are.

5. Pansexuality Is A Trend

Pansexuality has always existed, there just wasn’t a specific term for it until the 20th century. There is more visibility related to pansexuality, due to celebrities coming out as pansexual and an increase in media with pansexual representation. Due to this more people are looking into their own sexual orientation and identifying as pansexual. This increase in people labelling themselves as pansexual leads to the belief that pansexuality is ‘a trend’, instead of realising that it has always existed.

It is a good thing that people are finding more ways of labelling self-expression. The small price to pay for making people more comfortable is just learning and familiarising yourself with queer terminology.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Losing sense of smell can impact seniors’ sex life

Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

By Kevin Connor

Aging can affect the quality of life for older people in many ways.Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

A group of researchers, along with an expert from Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, came up with the findings after testing a sample of 2,084 seniors over the age of 65.

They found a sense of smell plays a pivotal role in sexual motivation, the U.K. Daily Mail reported.

Other research concluded smell disorder in older patients impairs their sexual life.

“Decreased olfactory function in older U.S. adults was associated with decreased sexual motivation and less emotional satisfaction with sex, but not decreased frequency of sexual activity or physical pleasure,” the researchers said in their paper published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The group of researchers suggests a decrease in smell didn’t necessarily decrease the frequency of sexual activity in all.

“Our research shows a decline in olfactory function may affect sexual pleasure in older adults,” said study author Jesse K. Siegel at the University of Chicago.

“Therefore, treatable causes of sensory loss should be addressed by clinicians to improve sexual health.”

Researchers say this is possibly because of ‘evolutionarily-conserved’ neurological links between olfaction and sexuality.

“Olfaction has a strong, evolutionary-conserved connection to the limbic system, which plays a critical role in processing emotions and sexual motivation,” Siegel and her team say in their paper.

“Neurons in the olfactory bulb also project directly to the hypothalamus, another key mediator of sexual motivation.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cannabis and Sexuality

— How Consumption May Enhance Your Sex Life

Jointly is a cannabis wellness app that launched in April 2020. Jointly’s mission is to help people discover purposeful cannabis consumption. Purposeful cannabis consumption starts with the question: why do you use cannabis?

Although cannabis has a long tradition as an aphrodisiac, many people are just now discovering that cannabis and CBD can be used to enrich their intimate experiences.

What does it mean to enhance intimate moments with cannabis? It could be a married couple looking to add a bit of creativity to their bedroom experience by splitting a cannabis-infused chocolate; a first date made more intimate and playful with a few hits from a vape pen; or a young woman who finds that consuming a small dose of THC makes it easier for her to reach orgasm in her solo sessions.

Can cannabis or CBD help you enhance your intimate moments? Jointly can help you find out, but first let’s review what is known about cannabis, CBD and intimacy.

Is Cannabis an Aphrodisiac?

Various traditional medicine systems have prized cannabis as an aphrodisiac. In 1965, Shri Dwarakanath, the Adviser in Indigenous Systems of Medicine for the Government of India, described numerous Ayurvedic formulations that contained cannabis and were prescribed as aphrodisiacs in rural areas. Dwarakanath noted that cannabis-based aphrodisiacs were found in both the Ayurvedic and Arab medical traditions and seem to have been used for hundreds of years. Evidently, humans have long used cannabis as an aphrodisiac.

But according to Nick Karras, a sexologist who has informally studied the effect of cannabis on people’s sex lives, “Dosing is essential when it comes to cannabis. Consume too much THC, and you may develop a closer relationship with your couch than your partner.”

A counselor of Ayurvedic medicine, Biljana Dušić, MD, seconded this notion: in the Ayurvedic tradition a small to moderate amount of cannabis is considered a powerful aphrodisiac, but habitual, heavy use of cannabis leads to a loss of sexual desire.

For enhancing intimacy, it’s probably best to start with a small dose.

What Does the Science Say About Cannabis and Intimacy?

Due to federal prohibition on cannabis, there is not enough research on how cannabis impacts sex or intimacy to state any firm conclusions. However, there have been several surveys and self-report studies that looked at how cannabis affected sexual frequency or subjective experience.

In 2017, researchers at Stanford University conducted a survey of more than 50,000 adults and found that cannabis use is associated with increased sexual frequency and that it does not appear to impair sexual function.

In 2018, researchers conducted an analysis of self-reported sexual effects of marijuana in a small group of men and women aged 18-25. They found that “the majority of marijuana users reported an increase in sexual enjoyment and orgasm intensity, as well as either an increase or no change in desire.”

Another small survey of men and women explored how cannabis alters people’s sexual experience. The researchers found that 38.7% said sex was better under the influence of cannabis, 58.9% said cannabis increased their desire for sex, 73.8% reported increased sexual satisfaction, 74.3% reported an increased sensitivity to touch, 65.7% reported an increased intensity of orgasms, and 69.8% said they could relax more during sex. While these results are fairly compelling, the survey was only conducted on a few hundred participants who responded to an advertisement, so it is unknown if these results can be generalized.

Biological Sex, Cannabis, and Intimacy

The scientific literature indicates that both men and women can experience a subjective improvement in sexual experiences when they use cannabis. But there is quite a bit of research that biological sex impacts how cannabis affects sexual function.

For females, the research has “almost consistently suggested a faciliatory effect of cannabis on subjective indices of sexual function.”

A study published in July of 2020 looked at whether the frequency of cannabis use, the chemovar (whether it has THC, CBD or both), or the method of consumption had an effect on female sexual function among cannabis users. They found that increased marijuana use was associated with improved sexual function in females. Chemovar type, method of consumption and reason for use did not impact the outcome.

A 2019 study explored how cannabis use prior to sex affected female sexual function and found that “with any use, the majority of women perceived improvement in overall experience, sex drive, orgasm and pain.”

The science on how cannabis affects sexual function in males is less conclusive. A literature review published in 2011 found contradictory results between studies and called for “renewed use of research resources” to learn how cannabis affects male sexual function.

Perception is Reality?

Some studies looking at male and female sexual function found a negative physiological effect of cannabis, but a positive subjective effect. For example, in males “it appears cannabis may actually have peripheral antagonizing effects on erectile function by stimulating specific receptors.” And in females, “cannabinoid receptor agonists, such as cannabis, may impair sexual arousal.”

Studies often focus on sexual arousal because there is a method for objectively measuring physiological arousal, whereas there is not an objective way to measure sexual desire.

Researchers discussing the difference between subjective and objective measures of sexual function stated, “While individuals may report enhanced sexual functioning while under the influence of certain substances, these substances are…often associated with decreased physiological sexual functioning.”

Of course, if people feel their intimate experiences are better when facilitated by cannabis or CBD, the objective physiological markers may not be as relevant.

Enhancing Intimacy with Cannabis

An informal survey was conducted between Eaze, a cannabis delivery service, and Lioness, a climax-tracking vibrator, on several hundred people. The Eaze-Lioness survey tracked the physiological markers of orgasm length and frequency. The survey found that “cannabis can increase the length, frequency, and quality of your orgasms and pleasure sessions whether you’re single or married, solo or with a partner, young adult or silver fox.”

Of course, this survey was not a scientifically rigorous study and more formal research is needed before any conclusions can be drawn. However, many couples have found that consuming cannabis enhances their intimate moments, and the science supports it.

A 2019 study looked at 183 heterosexual, frequent marijuana using couples, and found that using marijuana together, or individually but in the presence of the partner, increased the likelihood of the couple sharing an intimate experience within 2 hours of consumption. When couples used cannabis separately and alone (not in the presence of their partner), there was no increase in likelihood of intimacy.

The researchers concluded, “marijuana use is associated with increased experiences of intimacy, love, caring or support with one’s intimate partner in the next 2 hours.” They suggested it was plausible that subjective feelings of relaxation, happiness and wellbeing after cannabis use led the couples to “experience—or perceive—intimacy” with their partner.

Why Might Cannabis Enhance Intimacy?

The endocannabinoid system plays a central role in “controlling reproductive function in mammals and humans,” and the cannabinoid receptor has been mapped to areas of the brain that play a role in sexual function.

While it is clear that the endocannabinoid system plays an important role in sexual function, there are various other ways that cannabis or CBD can help people enhance their intimate experiences.

For example, scientists have postulated that cannabis may enhance intimate moments by lowering stress and anxiety or decreasing pain associated with sex. Others note that cannabis can slow down the perception of time, thus prolonging sensations of pleasure. Cannabis can also heighten the senses, changing how touch feels.

Whatever the mechanism of action, many people have found that cannabis and intimacy are natural bedfellows.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“Pleasure is not a dirty topic”

— Hannah Witton on sex toys, oversharing, and love in lockdown

Hannah Witton is a Youtuber and author who writes about relationships and sexual health.

Martha French and Lucie Richardson talk online content, what it means to feel sexy, and Valentine’s Day plans with Youtube sensation and sex educator Hannah Witton.

by Martha French & Lucie Richardson

“Schools and teachers are scared of broaching the topic of pleasure, because of the general erotophobia in our society and the myth that talking about sexual pleasure with young people is the same as telling them all to go have lots of sex. Pleasure is not a dirty topic, it’s not a dangerous topic – it should be an integral part of sex education as it’s an integral part of sex,” says Hannah Witton, “Leaving it out of sex ed (the words “pleasure” and “masturbation” don’t appear once in the Department for Education’s RSE guideance) isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame”.

Never afraid to engage with the taboo, Witton rose to YouTube fame in the mid 2010s, amassing an impressive and continuously growing following; at present she has over 700,000 subscribers across two channels. Hannah is renowned for honest videos chronicling her life with ulcerative colitis, which required her to undergo an ileostomy – affectionately referred to as ‘Mona the Stoma’.

“Leaving it out of sex ed isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame.”

However, her channel is by no means restricted to discussions of disability, featuring videos on everything from sex and relationships to books, finance, and home decor. Witton’s videos are unique in their ability to advise and educate viewers on problems big and small, all the while retaining an accessibility and a conviviality that keeps her audience coming back for more.

One of her most popular projects is the now annual ‘Instagram sex survey’, in which she asks her (largely female, twenty-something) following questions about their experience of and attitudes towards sex and relationships. Of this year’s results, she says “I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules, and I’ve seen a general curiosity in sex tech as well, how different apps and toys can enhance sexual experiences over long distances”.

Witton has a positive take on the increasing digitization of the dating world, as “it’s fun, it connects you to other people, and if dating was something you enjoyed doing pre-pandemic it’s important to find ways to still do the things we enjoy or find new ways to get the benefits: new experiences, new connections with people”.

“I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules.”

However, it is not only the pursuit of pleasure that has changed under the pandemic, Hannah sees it as a win for sexual health too: “the last 12 months has given us the language and tools to talk about our health status and getting tested in terms of COVID and I hope that we can translate that to how we talk about sexual health and STIs”. An ambassador for Brook – a national charity which offers sexual health services and education to young people – Witton often creates content designed to encourage her audience to take charge of their own sexual health and wellbeing. Her videos range from destigmatising taboo topics such as STI testing, to informing viewers about the pros and cons of different contraception methods.

Off the back of this Youtube fame, Witton has published two sex-ed style books. The first is Doing It: Let’s Talk About Sex… (2017), an honest and informative guide to understanding and approaching sex and relationships in the 21st century. The second, The Hormone Diaries: The Bloody Truth About Our Periods (2019), combines anecdotes and research to help reader’s tackle the “hormone rollercoaster” that is menstruation.

It is this increasing notoriety not only online but on bookshelves that has led Witton to reconsider her responsibilities and boundaries as an influencer. She admits to being in two minds about the discourse surrounding the obligation to speak up and share: “I used to think it was as simple as if you have a platform then you have a moral responsibility to do good with that – talk about issues, raise awareness, get your audience taking political action. And whilst those things are all still important, I also now think there is more nuance to what “good” is. Do your posts about interior design or music or cooking bring people joy? Great! Joy, fun, and play are just as important as talking about the causes we fight for. I’ve also seen a shift to this pressure and expectation placed on influencers to talk about every bad thing that happens in the world the moment it happens and if you don’t share your “response” in a timely manner then you are a terrible person. Just because someone isn’t sharing something publicly doesn’t mean they don’t care, doesn’t mean they’re not donating, doesn’t mean they’re not learning or taking action.”

Whilst her content is inherently confessional, in recent years Witton has made a conscious effort to separate elements of her day-to-day life from her online presence, most notably in the context of her relationship. However, Witton’s wedding this year brought a series of related content, and most recently she has been documenting her experiences of trying for a baby. Therefore, for Hannah, it remains “a conversation I’m always having with myself – what I’m comfortable sharing and what I’m not. I don’t have any hard lines other than just listening to my gut”.

This no-pressure outlook extends too to her lockdown expectations, for she accepts that the pandemic hasn’t taught her much about herself – “and I think that’s fine! You don’t have to be having massive revelations during lockdown, you can just be the same person you were before”.

Over the years, Witton has gained a thorough understanding of her own relationship with her sexuality and she frequently uses this knowledge to spark discussion or moments of self-discovery with her following. When asked if she had any specific tips or tricks that she uses to help herself feel sexy she responded: “It’ll be different for everyone but I love putting on sexy lingerie – that’s a quick way to get me out of life mindset and into sexy mindset. But I do think we often focus too much on what will make us feel sexy rather than what will help us step out of all the things we’ve been doing and worrying about during the day. What can you do to be able to step out of that to allow the sexy feelings to emerge? It could be as simple as turning your phone off, having an uninterrupted conversation with your partner, having a dance and literally shaking off all the life or work or school thoughts”.

And does Hannah herself have any plans for Valentine’s day this year? “No,” she laughs, “Just a regular Sunday in lockdown”.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!