Yes, it’s possible to have separation anxiety in relationships, too — here’s why it happens and how to deal.
By Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T.
When you hear the term “separation anxiety,” it’s likely that your brain’s first reference is thinking of the relationship between a parent (or another caretaker) and a young child — or, if you’re a pandemic pet parent, the situation with your puppy when you ever leave the house. But get this: It’s just as common for people in romantic relationships to experience separation anxiety with their partner. Surprised? I didn’t think so. It all stems from a place of attachment — how you relate to and feel in your caretaker relationship(s) as a child translates into how you attach to your romantic partner(s) later in life.
But where is the line between simply missing your partner and having full-on separation anxiety in a relationship? And is it always a sign that things aren’t healthy? Here’s the breakdown.
What Is Relationship Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety in a relationship is the feeling of genuine fear, anxiousness, and/or panic when being away from their partner. It’s an unusually strong fear of or anxiety that results from separating from your partner or someone to whom you feel a strong attachment.
In some cases, the separation anxiety may be severe enough to diagnose someone with separation anxiety disorder, which is “developmentally inappropriate and excessive fear or anxiety concerning separation from those to whom the individual is attached,” as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), a manual for assessment and diagnosis of mental disorders. However, not everyone who experiences separation anxiety in relationships will meet these criteria for diagnosis. Like with anything else, separation anxiety in a relationship can look different from couple to couple and person to person — it isn’t linear and can be super extreme or relatively mild.
If you think you might have relationship separation anxiety, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your relationship. Most people’s responses in relationships come from their childhood experiences, traumas, or unmet needs. Being aware and learning how to communicate about it is one of the most important first steps.
Separation Anxiety vs. Missing Your Partner
It’s important to note that relationship separation anxiety is very different from just missing your partner. Missing your partner isn’t generally coming from a place of fear or anxiousness about being apart from them in the way that separation anxiety is. Missing your partner is more of a feeling of longing adoration, while separation anxiety often feels overwhelming and all-consuming.
So, how can you tell the difference? Really try to notice and distinguish what exactly you are feeling and where those emotions are stemming from. (Try using a wheel of emotions to do exactly that.) Meaning, if you feel afraid, why do you feel afraid? Are you afraid for your partner’s safety? Your safety? Being alone? Being able to name and distinguish the feelings and why you feel these things is so helpful for breaking them down, which ultimately helps you take steps to get what you need or want.
John in New Jersey talks about hooking up in college, getting a happy-ending massage, and the difference between finding someone hot and being turned on by them.
One of the first times I watched porn, I was over at a buddy’s house, this was probably in fifth grade. His older brother was two years older than us, and he showed a big group of us porn. I remember thinking, “Oh, this is kind of funny.” That was my first reaction to porn. I started watching it myself a few years later, but that was definitely an interesting experience for sure, standing around a computer with a number of other guys. I thought it was funny, but I was definitely, definitely intrigued as well. Soon after that I was at my middle school orientation; it was the first day of middle school and the kids from all the feeder elementary schools were in an assembly and I remember seeing this girl and for the first time I wanted to do something more than just hold her hand or kiss her.
I lost my virginity in college. I was 21 and it was a drunken one night stand. I was living with two other guys and it was one of the first weeks of school. We were living in a co-ed dorm and lived right next to these girls, and I remember one of my friends earlier in the night was talking about how he really wanted to sleep with the girl who lived next door to me. I thought she was cute, but I didn’t think anything of it. I headed back to my room to get something and their door was open and they were drinking and then we started talking and the next thing you know I’m losing my virginity. My friends were very proud of me. They all knew my situation.
Before I lost my virginity, I paid to get a happy ending massage. It was freshman year of college, spring break, and I was waiting for my fantasy baseball draft and I was really bored and horny and so I looked up “happy ending massages” or something like that and the websites made it very clear you weren’t going to have sex with the women. So I found a place at the mall about 10 minutes from my parents house and I went to this hotel next to the mall and I went up to the second floor and a woman who was in her 30s or 40s was there; again, I was 18 at this point. She told me to leave my “donation” on the table so I paid my $100 or $120, which would pay for an hour of her time. She and I both got naked and I got on the bed face down and then she just kind of started rubbing her body over me. After a couple minutes she had me turn over and she started rubbing herself on me again and I shot a load in like two seconds. Again, keep in mind I’m a virgin. She looked at me very seriously and said, “Oh, baby, you busted already?” and I said, “Is that a problem?” and she was like, “You’re only allowed to bust one time.” Keep in mind I’d paid for an hour of time and this was about seven minutes in. By the time I was getting up to leave, she was already on the phone with her next client.
Years later I did a nuru massage in Montreal for a friend’s bachelor party. Three other guys and I went. Basically a naked woman rubs herself all over you for an hour and then it ends with a happy ending. It’s more…professional… though. Like it’s very out in the open. You come in and they let you pick which girl you want to massage you; I chose the girl I did because she looked like Jamie Lynn Sigler. I was in a long-term relationship at that point and so were two of the other guys, but we rationalized it because it wasn’t harmful. None of our girlfriends ever found out. It’s not like we were gonna sleep with these women; it was just a massage.
I recently got out of a three year relationship, the longest relationship I’ve had, and I would consider her to be the best sex of my life. We weren’t crazy or anything. We weren’t like having sex in an elevator or a coat closet or anything, we weren’t really experimenting. I mean I think it was just the bedroom or maybe the shower. There were a couple times when we would travel and be in a hotel or something and we’d be extra frisky because it was a new place. But it was mostly that we cared about each other. I’ve had un-meaningful sex before and I’ve had a decent amount of meaningful sex and I think for me, it’s just always better when there’s a deeper connection. And we had sex frequently; we didn’t live together but pretty much every time we saw each other we had sex.
I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. Trying kinky stuff isn’t really something of interest to me. I consider myself a really sexually-charged person. And if you were to ask my friends, they would probably put me near the top of the list in terms of desire or sexual appetite in general, but I’m not really interested in experimenting. I’ve never really been into sexting or phone sex either. Recently I went on a couple dates with a woman with tattoos and nipple piercings and that was really cool for me to date someone who was not my normal “type.” But she just started unprompted sending me nudes and I was like, “Where did this come from?” It was nice I guess, but getting nudes has never been something that I’ve actively sought out before. Just because I think from a guy’s perspective, it kind of makes you come off as like, creepy or desperate, and it really doesn’t turn me on much. We had a little back and forth about it, but it wasn’t like it was something I was jerking off to. Down the road, if I were to have a partner who wanted to try something more kinky, I might. Never say never. It’s gotta be the right person though. I guess I’ve always wanted to try a threesome with two women, but I don’t know that that’s in the cards for me based on the type of women I date.
My body has kind of got to be into a person, even if I find them hot. About five years ago, before my long-term relationship, there was a woman I was working with who I was really into. We worked in a place where everyone was in their 20s and we all hung out after work and went out drinking and one night I let her know I was interested and we ended up making out and then we had this kind of summer fling. She was just really a mean person, like my friends all hated her. And we were hooking up and spending the night and she was really attractive, but for whatever reason, whenever we tried to have sex, I couldn’t get hard. I think it was my body’s way of saying, “Don’t stick your dick in her!” I also had that happen once in college with a girl I was hooking up with my senior year. We hooked up for a bit and I was super into her—she was exactly my type at that time. And then she broke it off and she started sleeping around for a while and then when we tried to get back together, I couldn’t get hard. It was like, “Something’s not right here.” Even now, it’s not like I’m trying to wait until I’m married or anything, or that I even have to be in a relationship with someone. It’s just that ideally I’d have an emotional connection with somebody beforehand. It just makes it better, you know?
In recent years, my partner and I have grown to have mismatched sex drives. Now, I have a higher libido than my partner, and while I want to be supportive and certainly don’t want them to feel pressured to have sex, I do wonder if there’s anything I can do to help rejuvenate their interest. Regardless of their libido, though, how can I make sure that I’m still satisfied within my confines of my relationship?
Answer
Mainstream society has grown to idealize fiery relationships denoted by passionate partners who can’t keep their hands off each other. The truth is, though, that libido fluctuates every day, and the chances that one’s libido will always match the level of their partner is quite slim. In fact, one of the most common issues couples face in relationships is mismatched libidos. Often, partners adapt to this reality and find a balance that works for them. Other times, though, mismatched libidos can snowball into bigger issues full of frustration, guilt, and resentment.
In particular, people with a higher libido than their partner tend to feel as if their needs are not being met, shame that they want sex more often or rejection when sex is off the table. By contrast, people with lower libido than their partner tend to feel frustrated, pressured, and anxious about their desire not being on par with their partner. Thankfully, though, a mismatched libido is a solvable issue so long as everyone involved is willing to be honest, empathetic, and to prioritize the relationship.
Being on either side of the sex drive seesaw can be frustrating, but let’s consider ways the partner with the higher sex drive can be both supportive and satisfied.
1. Access their stressors
Before you can begin addressing intimacy concerns, take inventory of what is going on in your partner’s life. The partner with the lower sex drive may be contending with a combination of libido-compromising stressors. Some of these lifestyle or health factors may include high stress, medications, chronic health issues, work demands, mental illness, family responsibilities, financial strain, or lack of sleep.
Now, what can you do about it? Well, if you know, for instance, that your partner is stressed, consider how you might be able to help them to feel better. Communicate that your intention is always to help them feel good in order to show that you’re not just trying to address your own sexual desires. Simple acts of support—like offering to cook breakfast for the week, taking a walk together at lunch or allowing them to sleep in on the weekend—can help revitalize their overall mood.
If your partner is going through a change that is more permanent than a period of stress, consider building support into your daily routine. Depending on the severity of the issue, you’ll want to pace yourself and be consistent in your support in a way that feels manageable to you.
2. Rate your sex drives
One easy way to begin healthy sexual communication on this topic is for each person in the relationship to rate their sex drive from one to 10 and explain their ranking. For the partner with the higher drive, make sure you actively listen to why your partner describes the number they share. Regardless of whether your numbers are very different or not too far from each other, use this exercise as an opportunity to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective.
3. Expand your definition of sex
Consider this an invitation to unlearn bad sex ed, including unhealthy myths that sex (only) means penetration and that orgasm is always the end goal. Now is a good time to expand your definition and expectations of what diverse pleasure can mean. To do so, have partner write down 10 intimate activities that they enjoy doing with their partner and 10 intimate things they’d like to try. Share the lists with one another and allow it to be the starting ground for an expanded list of acts all parties can enjoy together.
4. Try breathwork together
A few moments before bed, or when you both have downtime together, face one another and take deep breaths together. Unwinding together can help you both feel at ease next to each other. Gently reminding your partner with a lower libido to connect in breath with you allows you both to feel more synced.
5. Don’t forget you-time
While you are working on intimacy in your relationship, do not forget to build intimacy with yourself. Ideas that a partner should “fulfill you” or that they must be your sole source of pleasure aren’t healthy and put too much pressure on one person. You should be a primary part of your pleasure equation and spend time exploring and enjoying your body alone, regardless of your relationship status. Some ideas to bring more pleasure to your life can include full-body massages in the shower, a lunchtime masturbation session or a date night alone in your room with aromatherapy, music, and your favorite toys.
6. Throwback dates
Sometimes, the easiest solution for couples struggling with mismatched libidos is to go back to the basics. Many couples get stuck in a routine and don’t plan out date nights together the way they may have early on in the relationship. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here, either. Instead, book consistent date nights and hit up old spots you used to enjoy together. Having dedicated time to look forward to helps build desire before the dates; meanwhile, spending quality time together on the dates helps you reconnect more intimately.
7. Work with a professional
It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want support navigating mismatched libidos.
Monogamy is our society’s default relationship model. Once you find the one, you get engaged. Then you get married. And voilà! You’re with one person for the rest of your life. This might be a comforting happily ever after for some. For others, it can sound and feel like a trap. Good news: There are alternative options for those who feel limited by monogamy, one of which includes open relationships.
As it happens, more than 20% of people in the United States who participated in a 2016 study reported engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). “Open relationships can fall within a broad spectrum that depends on a couple’s needs and their comfort level,” explains dating coach and founder of The Broom List Tennesha Wood. “The term open generally refers to the practice of ethical non-monogamy [ENM] in which couples open their relationship to the possibility of including other people in some way; emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually.”
While open relationships are certainly becoming less taboo and more widely understood in the present day, there are still tons of misconceptions surrounding them. Wood says the most common include:
People in open relationships are confused and don’t know what they want.
These types of arrangements mean one or both parties no longer want to be with the other.
None of the above are accurate. Open relationships don’t have to be purely physical. Commitment issues aren’t always the case, either. There doesn’t have to be confusion to have a more free-wheeling arrangement. And you can want to be with your partner while wanting others, too. So why would a couple choose non-monogamy? And why is it worth it for them to make their open relationship work despite the challenges that can arise?
TZR tapped Wood for her tips on how to navigate open relationships and interviewed individuals on why they choose to be in one and what they do to make it work.
Set Clear Boundaries
“Open relationships should not be entered into casually or without clear boundaries,” Wood says. “Each person should have a clear vision of what they want outside of their primary relationship. From there, they can decide which form of [ENM] best fits their needs.”
Wood lists four popular types of open relationships to choose from:
Monogamish: having occasional strictly sexual encounters with other people
Swinging: having sex with another couple or swapping partners
Polyamory: having multiple sexual and romantic relationships simultaneously
Relationship anarchy: having multiple relationships without a hierarchy; no relationship is “primary” and everyone is considered equal in terms of priority
She recommends couples discuss individual and shared boundaries by asking each other the questions like: How much do you want to know about who your partner is involved with sexually or romantically? Do you want to be there or participate in your partner’s sexual activities? Are there sexual acts that are off-limits?
“No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, open relationships will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” she says. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”
Prioritize Open Communication
Before opening up your relationship, Wood suggests ensuring your reasons and goals align. “For couples who have a healthy partnership, allowing others in can foster exploration, honesty, and communication,” she says. “Opening a relationship that has existing trust or communication issues will not solve those issues. In fact, it makes them worse.”
“I’m in an open relationship because, in my current partnership, this translates to radical honesty with ourselves and each other,” says Dez*, 26. “The sexy and difficult conversations strengthen my relationship and bond with my partner in a really intense way that wouldn’t manifest otherwise, and that’s why I prefer the ‘open’ paradigm we’ve created.”
For Gina*, 29, sharing feelings and needs is key within her open partnership (where she’s the only one who actively engages in non-monogamy). “Since I grew up religious, I always told my husband I wanted to know how it felt to be with someone else. I’d [spend] late nights talking about it and he wasn’t bothered or scared,” she recalls. He eventually told her he’d give her a hall pass, especially because having another partner could help to relieve her anxiety while he’s out of state for work for days. “He’d see that when he was gone days at a time, I’d have another partner and that’d help me a lot to be calm [before] he’d come back home.” She’s been with other people ever since.
While Gina’s husband is not choosing to engage in other relationships for himself, the two have figured out how to make the open dynamic benefit them both. “[Opening our marriage] strengthens us because we have no secrets and there’s no fear of cheating. I’ve always had a bad temper and when he allowed me to continue outside marriage relationship(s), it has made me be more patient. I’d get angry for very small things and now I think, ‘If he can allow me to have another partner and be so mature about it, why do I get upset about little things?’”
Remember That Jealousy Can Be A Factor
Don’t be fooled: Jealousy still exists in open relationships. And it takes a ton of self-awareness and openness to process it in a healthy way together in order to keep things from going awry.
“I’m lucky to have an extremely patient partner who’s willing to be really gentle and caring with me when jealousy and insecurity arise in me,” adds Dez, who feels prone to jealousy due to tumultuous past relationships. “He’s more able to hold jealousy as an emotion equal to any other emotion, and alchemize the feeling into something more sensual, rather than an ugly thing to be feared. This is something I admire in him and that I strive toward, because being controlled by an emotion, for me, feels like being in prison, and the door’s wide open,” she explains. “I want to be free! And I can, just by choosing not to cling to jealousy.”
Set Rules That Honor Your Needs
Some partners want to know every detail about every date. Others have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
Aaliyah*, 24, has a sugar arrangement and additional casual partners outside of it. “[My sugar daddy and I] originally had an open [relationship] where we talked about our other partners, and this made him too jealous, so he didn’t want to talk [about them] anymore,” she says, noting that she personally loves hearing about his experiences.
As for Gina, what she “can and can’t” do changes with each partner outside of her marriage, but it’s always discussed and agreed upon with her husband. Some of the rules within her partnership over the last few years include:
Share your body but not your love.
Call when you arrive at a date.
Her husband has to be on board with each relationship.
Each new partner has to know and accept the fact that she has a husband and he is aware of the arrangement.
Make sure you feel safe, and call ASAP if not.
Breaking Free From Societal Norms
“What I like most about being in an open relationship is saying ‘f*ck you’ to the deeply entrenched religious institutions and misogynistic ideals I was born into,” says Nikki*, 28. “These institutions say that I’m fulfilled as a woman only when I enter marriage, that I must remain subservient and docile, that I must feel ashamed of any sexual encounter that lies outside of reproduction. These institutions (heteronormatively) tell me to hate other women who threaten my bond with my partner.”
For her, non-monogamy destroys those rules and offers space to get curious and explore ideas that make the most sense to her and her partner. “Being in an open relationship, for me, is about exploration, playfulness, and the diminishing of fear of the dark, messy feelings,” she says. “I’m aware of the journey ahead — to unravel many years of programming/conditioning that I didn’t have a say in and I’m ready for this hard work, for this opportunity to set fire to the shame that was never mine to carry.”
Embrace A World Of Endless Opportunity
Aaliyah personally enjoys having the freedom to explore her feelings to the fullest: “I don’t have to worry about if it’s OK or not. It should be OK!”
“If somebody gets jealous, we’ll generally talk about the value of the relationship,” she says. “If they’re OK with just not talking about it and keeping it under the table, that usually works. If not, it’s just not compatible.” It’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide which dynamics and rules work best for you. Openly communicating about your wants and needs will help you get there.
She also loves being able to experience other people’s worlds and lives. “I believe relationships are something to be explored and enjoyed, and they’re one of the most exciting parts of life,” she says. “I don’t believe in only one person forever. Yes to a life partner, but no to a one and only. It allows me to experience things outside of my normal realms of possibilities.”
Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to decide which rules work best for your relationship. Each partnership is different. But if these stories teach anything, it’s that open relationships are worth the effort if maximum freedom, pleasure, joy, and opportunities are your priorities.
There are arguably few things in life that can leave someone as emotionally unmoored as an abusive relationship. Survivors know that the fallout from such relationships doesn’t just end when the relationship ends. Social shaming, self-blame, and psychological turmoil can and do carry on long after the relationship in question are over. But there is another, much wilier effect that can often slip through the cracks — one of boredom, especially in subsequent relationships that are healthier.
This can seem counterintuitive. A look at message boards online points to this anxiety among survivors, and it is pervasive. The overwhelming feeling is shame and guilt — why does something good not feel exciting? Some even wonder if they deserved the abuse they experienced. But there is one response to such a question on a Reddit forum that stands out:
“I was in the grip of a frightening and never before experienced emotion and mood. After talking with me for some time he [a mentor] busted out laughing, and told me, “what you are feeling is called serenity my dear!”
Experts have proposed a name for what happens after such relationships: post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS), or “Relationship PTSD.” It isn’t included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but it is an emerging explanatory tool to think through and heal from the effects of abusive relationships — one of the most pervasive of which is the survivor’s belief that they don’t “deserve” healthy relationships afterward.
“If you’re a survivor, your mind is in a constant state of vigilance while trying to please another person and walking on eggshells,” says Ipsita Chatterjee, a Mumbai-based therapist and founder of Thehraav: Unwind Your Mind. There are good phases, and it’s a cycle where a survivor constantly thinks about what more they can do. This has neural impacts on the brain: in a safe relationship, in the initial period it is very difficult to switch off the hyper-vigilance.”
During this time, she explains, survivors set bare minimum standards for relationships — if it’s safe, it’s okay to “let go” of the small things. Over time, however, when they do reach a sense of safety, the blindspots come out into the open. Due to the extreme transition between relationships, the focus on equilibrium rather than building on a relationship and doing the work of setting boundaries or having open communication can eventually lead to monotony.
Even once in a healthy relationship, the new dynamic can seem unfamiliar. “After an individual exits a toxic relationship they often can find themselves reacting to new relationships with patterns or suspicions,” Naphtali Roberts, a marriage and family therapist, told Bustle. The highs, lows, and unpredictability in a past relationship can feel like the norm — anything without that level of turbulence can thus start to feel like there is something amiss.
“The mind has never been used to safety and stability, it is used to an emotional rollercoaster — a cycle of immense pain and then love-bombing. When the pain is intense, it is intolerable, and then the love-bombing is so overwhelming that they think they can’t leave the person,” says Chatterjee. Given that, a stable relationship takes a while to get used to.
“If you’re not used to safety, equilibrium, tranquility… It may take the hyper-vigilant person a while to express love without feeling threatened. By the time the hyper-vigilance switches off, the mind starts looking for a replacement for love-bombing, because they’ve never experienced healthy love. That can become a little monotonous,” she notes.
There is also an effect similar to addiction in abusive relationships, which makes survivors tend to seek similar relationships in the future. “The relationship is intoxicating. There is intermittent reinforcement, and there is a great deal of shame and guilt about the relationship,” Ellen Biros, a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recover, told Healthline.
It could influence how attracted they are to new people — indeed, one of the big factors is sex and intimacy. Many survivors often report that the sex with abusers was good, and that anything afterward doesn’t measure up. Intimacy with partners in healthier relationships can thus often feel less exciting.
But this doesn’t speak to the skills of the people involved themselves, but rather the psychological manipulation that survivors go through. Often, in abusive relationships, sex is one of the things that makes survivors feel loved and attended to, which aren’t otherwise generously given.
The pop culture we consume normalizes abuse in relationships, to the extent that it feels “right” only when there’s a certain level of violence, manipulation, or toxicity involved in the name of passion. Think Kabir Singh, for instance, or even Devdas.
“We need to look at what pop culture shows us about passion. In so many scenes, we see a man slapping his girlfriend and then they end up making out violently. The scripts that we’re taught… shape our ideas of relationships,” Chatterjee further explains.
“Everywhere we learned that love is control, and that a little bit of violence can ignite the passion. It makes sense to like that — when there’s someone abusing you, there’s so much pain that you will love the passion a lot more. As opposed to when you’re in a safe relationship, there will be hard work from both ends to make it passionate, because there’s already so much safety,” she adds.
A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.
And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.
That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.
But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).
6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)
1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse
Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.
For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.
2. Try “lazy” positions
In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.
“Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD
Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy. “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.
3. Try to have sex during the afternoon
If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.
4. Give yourselves grace
Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.
“During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.
5. Prioritize intimacy
Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.
The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.
6. Try having slower sex
“Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.
New South Wales and Victoria are set to introduce a suite of reforms to sexual offences legislation which set a new standard for sexual consent. Both states will implement an affirmative model of consent.
Affirmative consent is based on the idea that someone who is consenting to sex will actively express this through their words and actions – it’s the presence of an “enthusiastic yes”, rather than the absence of a “no”.
So what’s changing, and what does that mean for how we negotiate sex?
By law, you will need to actively seek consent
The Victorian and NSW reforms place a higher onus on the accused.
Current legislation stipulates that while any steps taken by the accused to ascertain consent should be taken into account in determining whether their belief in consent was “reasonable”, they are not required to have actively sought consent. This means an accused person could argue they had “belief” in consent, without actually taking any action to confirm this belief.
Under the new model, if an accused did not take steps to ascertain consent, their belief in consent is considered to be unreasonable. Silence or a lack of resistance cannot indicate consent.
If an accused wanted to mount a defence that they held a “reasonable belief” in the other person’s consent, they would have to demonstrate what steps or actions they took to make sure the other person was consenting.
It is hoped this will lead to an emphasis on the actions of the accused, rather than scrutinising the complainant’s behaviour. These are important improvements in the way the legal system responds to sexual assault.
No, it doesn’t mean signing a consent form
Affirmative consent means all partners should consciously and voluntarily agree to participate in sexual activity.
Responsibility for consent should be mutual, meaning all parties involved need to ensure they have obtained consent.
Affirmative consent can also be withdrawn at any time – it’s an ongoing process, not a one off “yes” at the start of an encounter.
Some people suggest affirmative consent makes sex “awkward” or “formulaic”. We’re often asked if this means we need to have our partners sign a consent form at the beginning of an encounter.
Others say having to constantly “check in” with a partner can spoil the mood or remove the spontaneity of sex.
As New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords reminded us, ‘a kiss is not a contract’.
Not only does an affirmative model help to ensure your partner is actively consenting to sex, it can also help enhance pleasure and fun.
So how do you actually get consent?
Here are some ways you might approach consent under an affirmative model:
Ask your partner how they like to be touched, or what they would like to do. Questions like “how does that feel” or “would you like it if I did XXX” can help ascertain consent but also ensure sex is pleasurable!
Some companies have produced cards to help facilitate this conversation with a partner. Kink communities, such as BDSM groups, often have well-established protocols for talking about consent, and there’s arguably much we could learn from them.
Pay attention to all of the cues and forms of communication a partner is using. This includes what they say, but also their body language, gestures, noises, and emotional expression.
If a partner is passive, silent, crying, or looking upset, these are all red flags that they are not consenting. If there’s any doubt about whether your partner/s are into what’s happening, stop and check in with them again.
If you’re still unsure, it’s best to end the encounter.
Is the other person intoxicated or drug affected? If so, they might not legally be able to consent to sex. While some people do use alcohol or other drugs to enhance sexual pleasure (for example, in Chemsex), this is something that needs to be carefully negotiated.
Again, if in any doubt, it’s always best to stop.
Consider the context, and the nature of the relationship between yourself and your partner/s. For example, are you in a position of power over the other person/people? This could be on account of your age, gender, employment status and so on.
If the answer is “yes”, exercise caution. Is it possible the other person could feel pressured or unable to say no to you?
If there’s any doubt about consent, stop and check in with your partner.
While research suggests non-verbal communication is the most common way people communicate consent, people can misinterpret non-verbal cues. So it’s best not to rely on reading non-verbal cues alone.
Try using verbal consent as well (or the use of sign language or written communication for people who are non-verbal). This doesn’t have to be awkward, or contractual, and consent can be communicated through dirty talk.
Asking a partner what they like also allows you to learn about their body and what feels good, rather than just guessing what they might find pleasurable.
Beyond affirmative consent
While affirmative consent certainly provides a better framework for sexual communication than just waiting for someone to say “no” (or simply assuming the other person consents), it also has limitations.
People may still affirmatively consent to sex they do not want for various reasons. Consenting to sex may be the safer option in an abusive relationship, for example. People also often engage in sex due to peer pressure or because they feel it is their duty as a partner.
Young women, for example, are often socialised to be polite, compliant, and pleasing to others. Sexual double standards presenting women as “sluts” or “whores” for actively engaging in and enjoying sex persist. As a result, it can be difficult for some women to openly express their sexual wants and desires.
Some people are less able to say no.
Affirmative consent is less able to take into account the broader structural and social factors that make saying “yes” or “no” difficult, or that mean we sometimes “consent” to unwanted sex.
While affirmative consent is vital, you might also want to think about how you can ensure your partners feel comfortable and safe to express their needs, desires, and what feels good.
You also want to make sure they feel comfortable to say “no” at any time without any ramifications.
It’s time we had a candid conversation about sex and the single senior, especially if you’re a woman.
Last month, I turned 66. I’ve had no age-defying surgeries. I have accepted—but will never embrace—the 10 extra pounds on my 5’1″ frame. Still, men haven’t exactly been running the other way.
One morning earlier this year, after we in the 65-and-older crowd were vaccinated, I received flirty texts from three male friends inviting me out. I smiled reading each one, but I didn’t text back.
Like so many aging single women who like sex, I had succumbed to the double whammy of ageism and sexism. Engaging with any of these three men would require scheming, sneaking around and outright lying to my millennial daughters. It was exhausting.
Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active. If they aren’t married or in a committed relationship, however, they likely have given up on sex. For many, the problem is a shortage of available good guys or the dreaded dry vagina. For others, it’s the tsk tsk of society—and family—that keeps us home, watching Netflix alone.
As a feminist of the 1970s who fought long and hard against sexism, including making the bedroom a level playing field, how can be stopped in my tracks by my own daughters?
I was divorced in 2016 and waited the recommended year before going online. Match.com served up a plethora of men who seemed too good to be true. Of course, in the end, they were. Still, I decided to indulge.
Despite my discretion, my daughters quickly caught on. The younger lived with me. The older was newly married and lived nearby. They didn’t hesitate to share their displeasure.
I was pouring coffee one morning after a post-divorce date when my younger daughter walked into the kitchen. I offered her my cup. She eyed me suspiciously.
“What?” I asked.
“You had sex last night.” She spat out the words and poured her own coffee. I was stunned. He left long before she came home, I thought. How could she know?
“I can see it all over your face. You look like someone who just had sex!”
Growing up Catholic, I learned early on you can sin to the high heavens as long as you are contrite and do your penance. I continued to seek and find the wonderfulness of a kiss, a caress, an orgasm on Saturday night, erasing the guilt by doing my daughters’ laundry on Monday morning.
For the next two years, I wore skinny jeans with heels and spent too much money on makeup brand Boom! By Cindy Joseph. I dated men who were 15 years younger and 10 years older. Some took me to wonderful restaurants, others to five-star hotels. We went dancing, to the movies and watched the moon’s reflection over Lake St. Clair. It wasn’t all Hollywood-like bliss, but it was close enough.
My daughters told me I was acting like a teenager. The younger continued to huff past me in the morning. The older told me she had no interest in meeting anyone. Ever.
The sting was not lessened by my therapist reminding me that children, regardless of age, have difficulty seeing their parents as sexual beings. Furthermore, she said, their reproach proved just how powerful the cultural messaging is against older women who don’t follow the rules.
Indeed, last year Harvard Health Publishing reported on attitudes toward sexuality: “Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”
Eventually, my daughters wore me down. I took my profile down from Match.com and let my gray grow out. I used the pandemic, as so many people did, to pull in and reflect. I babysat my new granddaughter and built up my freelance writing business. I made dinner for my girls and son-in-law and watched The Office reruns with them.
“Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”
As I pass from middle-aged to elderly, I think about how I will live out my final chapter—and with whom, if anyone. I have no clear vision of what’s ahead.
I do know, however, that sex is healthy, and I have no intention of calling it quits. Nor do I intend to apologize for it. I applaud the experts who shine a spotlight on the inequity of it all and propose solutions.
One such authority is Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, co-director of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center, and past president of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Health. She believes the way to change negative stereotyping of menopausal women starts with their doctors.
“Menopause and sexuality are not addressed in medical schools or residency,” she told me in a recent interview. “Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’
On average, women enter menopause at 51 and live well past 80. That means many of us could spend one-third of our lives being censured if we dare to exert ourselves as sexual beings.
“Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’
During the summer, I ran into a former colleague from my early newspaper days. He asked me to dinner. Then he invited me to go birdwatching. He arranged a bicycling outing and reintroduced me to old reporter pals.
A week ago, I invited him over to start the third season of The Kominsky Method. We were on the sofa getting cozy when my daughter came home early. She stomped into the house and, without saying hello, asked him to move his car.
He left immediately. This time, I glared at her.
“What?” she asked.
“That was rude,” I said. She started to object. I cut her off: “You don’t get to have a say in what I do and whom I see. Not anymore. I expect you to treat me and my friends cordially. Always.”
Kingsberg said I should have done that a long time ago. “Why, in any realm, should a woman feel bad about the fact that she is healthy and has a good strong desire? We should have fun and experience passion. To keep that going is something you should embrace.”
“It’s good you told your daughter to knock it off,” she said.
Now, we need to stand up to the rest of society and make it clear that our right to the “pursuit of happiness” includes pursuing pleasure, no matter our age, gender or preferred position.
The ritual is inculcated into those practicing BDSM, but for anyone else engaging in sexual relationships, it would do well to focus on aftercare, too.
Many a rom-com has depicted that moment that immediately follows climax during sex. Audiences have laughed at the sight of partners rolling their sweaty body over, only to then reach for their phone and zone out as they begin another endless scroll on the Instagram feed. There are those who embrace for some time, and others who simply get up and stroll directly for the shower. It’s funny to watch because for most of us, we’ve been there: we’ve been with that person who wants nothing to do with us after sex, or alternatively had that partner who enjoys the post-sex cuddle as much as they do the main event. The fact remains, what happens after sex is just as important as it can leave many people feeling embarrassed or a sense of shame should such care be neglected.
It makes ‘aftercare’ a buzzword worth thinking about. In the world of BDSM, the practice of aftercare is something that is non-negotiable. It refers to a post-play ritual in which partners exchange physical or emotional comfort following an intense sexual experience. While it’s grounded in the assumption that such care is essential following kink play, it also is an important factor to consider in more vanilla sexual engagements, too.
Examples of aftercare include offering your partner a snack or something to drink, cuddling, giving them a compliment, having a good conversation, watching a movie, or even tending to any minor injuries that may have been sustained during BDSM play. It also offers a safe space to talk about what you might have enjoyed about the experience, as well as the things you might not have enjoyed. Ultimately, aftercare is dependent on the individuals at hand and varies depending on individual preferences.
As a way of nurturing your partner, it offers the chance to come down from the neurochemical high of BDSM, and avoid the low emotional state known as “drop” in kink circles. Given that BDSM is often more risky – physically and emotionally – and involves a higher level of vulnerability and trust, aftercare is seen as just an important part of it as establishing safe words. It offers protection and care, helping partners to ease back into normal consciousness, with grounded feelings of tenderness and affection.
With this in mind, aftercare is something we all can benefit from in casual sex. Regardless of what kind of sex you’re having, trust is imperative and good sex requires a level of vulnerability as we lower our inhibitions and seek to let go. It’s not uncommon then, for people to experience feelings of anxiety when it’s over, or simply feel a little down. As sexologist Gigi Engle explained in an interview with MindBodyGreen, “While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important.”
Engle added, “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.”
Chemotherapy and sex is a subject that many people may wonder about when they’re undergoing treatment, but oncologists rarely discuss sexuality and physical intimacy during chemotherapy with their patients.1
Since it’s not talked about, many people have a knowledge gap about the safety of sexual activity during cancer treatment and the ways in which their sexuality might be affected by it.
Read on to find out more about how chemotherapy can affect your sex life and how to stay physically intimate with your partner while undergoing cancer treatment.
Is Sex During Chemo Safe?
Having sex while you are undergoing chemotherapy (or chemo) is generally considered safe as long as certain precautions are taken. Patients receiving chemo can typically have sex, but they need to do their best to avoid situations that could affect their treatment or overall health.1
Infections
You may develop a low white blood cell count while you are undergoing chemo.2 This makes you more open to infections. Having sex if you have a lowered white blood cell count places you at risk for infections.
Chemotherapy can also decrease the number of cells that bind together in your blood (platelets) to help form blood clots and prevent excessive bleeding.
If you have sex and you have low blood platelets, you might experience bleeding that could be severe. You might also be more likely to bruise during intercourse if you have a low blood platelet count.3
When to Talk to Your Healthcare Provider
Ask your healthcare provider about getting blood tests to check your white blood cell and platelet counts to help determine if it’s safe for you to engage in sexual activity while you are undergoing chemotherapy.
Exposure
Chemotherapy drugs can make their way into saliva, semen, and vaginal secretions for up to three days following treatment. It is not clear whether chemotherapy medications can be passed sexually, but you might be more likely to expose a partner to the chemicals in chemotherapy medications if you are intimate during the first few days after treatment.
People who are not undergoing chemotherapy but who are exposed to chemotherapy medications may experience adverse health effects such as:4
Depending on where the cancer is located, you might be told to avoid sex while the area is healing. For example, you might need to avoid sexual intercourse if the cancer is in your genital area, urinary tract, or rectum.
Chemotherapy may lead to painful intercourse (dyspareunia).5 You may not experience pain, but if you do, be sure to bring up this concern with your doctor. There are ways to address the pain and make intercourse more comfortable.5
One study in women being treated for breast cancer found that when they used a liquid lidocaine compress on their genital area prior to sexual intercourse, it helped treat the pain they had been having during sexual intimacy.5
Protection, Fertility, and Pregnancy
If you plan to have sex while you are receiving chemo and you could become pregnant, you need to use birth control. Getting pregnant during chemotherapy can be risky because the medication increases the chances of birth defects in the developing fetus during the first trimester.
Undergoing chemotherapy during the second and third trimesters has been associated with low birth weight and an increased risk of stillbirth.6
Getting Pregnant After Chemo
In some cases, chemo can cause infertility. However, many people do go on to have children after treatment.7
If you want to conceive and have recently had chemo, you should talk to your doctor about when it will be safe for you to stop using birth control and begin trying to get pregnant.
How Chemo Affects Libido
Chemotherapy can disrupt your sex drive and cause low libido. While this side effect of treatment is rarely talked about, it can severely affect your intimate relationships.8
Sexual side effects are not seen with every type of treatment. They’re more often experienced by people who are being treated for specific cancers, such as prostate cancer,testicular cancer, and gynecological cancer, including cancers affecting the cervix, ovaries, and uterus.9
Chemotherapy medications, in particular, have been associated with a lowered libido and can affect a person’s libido in several ways, including:
Medication side effects: Chemotherapy has been shown to cause low libido. Other side effects such as nausea, vomiting, and fatigue can also contribute to a lower sex drive.10
Body Image: Chemotherapy side effects can affect a person’s body image because of weight loss or gain, and hair loss. A person may develop low self-esteem because of these changes, and the way that a person sees themselves has a lot to do with their desire to be intimate.11
Staying in Touch With Your Sexuality During Chemo
Although chemotherapy can hinder your ability or desire to stay intimate with your partner, there are things you can do to help improve the experience.
Open the Lines of Communication
If you no longer desire sexual intimacy but do not discuss the change with your partner, they may feel rejected and unloved. You will want to be open and honest with each other about how your treatment has affected the physical aspect of your relationship.
Having open communication can also help you brainstorm solutions to maintain a level of intimacy that is satisfactory to both you and your partner.
Partner Play
When you and your partner are ready to try being sexually intimate again, it’s important that you ease into it. Make use of any ideas you had in your earlier discussions.
Remember that there is more to physical intimacy than intercourse. Exploring new ways to be with someone physically can be a fun and exciting opportunity to reignite your desire for sexual touch. If you’re having pain, try different positions that make intercourse more comfortable.12
Going Solo
Sometimes it might be difficult or undesirable to be intimate with someone else. When you are feeling this way, you might want to explore your sexuality independently.
According to the American Cancer Society, self-stimulation can help ease you back into sexual feelings as you are recovering from chemotherapy.
It can also help you identify any areas on your body that might be sore or tender. That way, when you do go to have sexual intercourse, you will be aware of what hurts and you can communicate about these sensitive areas beforehand.12
Resources
One resource that you might explore with a partner is couples counseling, which can give both you and a partner insight into how the other person is feeling about the current state of your physical relationship.
Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else mediate conversations if the topic is sensitive. In this case, a sex therapist could help you identify and fix obstacles that have been preventing you from expressing yourself sexually.
Seeking out a therapist who can help you overcome any body image challenges that you have after cancer treatment can help you rebuild your self-esteem. This, in turn, could increase your drive to be physically intimate.
According to the American Psychological Association, there are many avenues that you can explore to help address lowered libido and sexual dysfunction caused by chemotherapy.13
For example, you might try mindfulness-based approaches, psychotherapy, and couples therapy with a partner.
Summary
Sexual dysfunction is a side effect of chemotherapy that can cause a person to feel worse about themselves, which may result in problems in romantic relationships.
Aside from the physical changes that may come with treatment, such as lowered libido, having sex while you are undergoing chemo can also pose extra health risks, making it even more difficult to participate in.
If you are having chemotherapy, you should express your desires, needs, and concerns about sex to your healthcare providers to ensure that they can help you regain your sexual life after treatment. Your provider might also be able to help you connect with a sex or couples therapist.
A Word From Verywell
Dealing with a lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship can be tough, but it can be even more difficult if it’s the result of an already stressful situation like cancer treatment.
You might find it challenging to help your partner understand what you’re going through. Not being able to be physically intimate with them may put a strain on your relationship.
Know that you can have sex while undergoing chemotherapy as long as your healthcare provider says that it’s safe and you understand the precautions that you need to take to keep things safe.
Communicating openly with your partner, exploring new ways to be physically intimate, and asking your doctor any questions you have about physical intimacy during chemotherapy can all help you maintain the physical aspect of your relationship with your partner and yourself both during treatment and when you are recovering from it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should you wait to have sex after chemotherapy?
Some people are advised to avoid sex while they are having treatment, but this is not the case for everyone. Ask your healthcare provider about whether it is safe for you to have sex during your treatment.
Can you still become aroused during chemo?
Although it’s possible to lose your libido during chemotherapy, not everyone will experience this side effect. If you do, there are still ways to become aroused while your desire for sexual intercourse is low.
For example, playing out fantasies in your head, practicing different forms of intimacy with or without a partner, and fostering good self-esteem can all be helpful.
What should you avoid after chemotherapy?
When you’ve reached the end of treatment, you might be ready to jump back into sexual intimacy—but there are a few things to be aware of.
For example, if you get pregnant shortly after you are done with treatment, there is a risk that the fetus will have birth defects. If you are able to become pregnant, you will probably be on birth control during treatment to help prevent this.
After you’re done with chemo, talk to your healthcare provider if you are planning to resume sexual activity and wish to go off birth control, especially if you would like to try to conceive.
How long after chemo can you have a baby?
Getting pregnant shortly after chemotherapy comes with risks for the developing fetus. Some health experts believe that you should wait at least six months after finishing your treatment to begin trying for a baby. Other health experts have said that two to five years is the optimal time to wait before getting pregnant after you’ve had chemotherapy.
Discuss your posttreatment conception plans with your healthcare provider, as they will be able to give you the best recommendation based on your situation.
“But things gradually slowed down; after a year or so, they’d practically stopped. Neither of us has a very high sex drive, so we weren’t unhappy about it. But although we were comfortable discussing the issue, we used to worry it meant we weren’t compatible. Surely if we really loved each other, we’d want to have sex?”
The couple sought the advice of a counsellor.
“They told us a relationship can thrive even without sex, as long as we’re intimate in other ways,” Olivia says.
“Since then, we’ve felt much more relaxed about it. We check in regularly, to make sure we’re both happy, but the conclusion is always the same: nope, still not in the mood.”
Although Olivia’s case is fairly extreme, the stress of the pandemic has impacted sex lives around the world.
The amount of sex we’re having has declined as a direct result of global lockdowns, while even before the pandemic, young Australians were having less sex than other demographics, with 40 per cent of 18-24s reporting “never” having sex in the ABC’s 2019 Australia Talks survey.
So what happens if, like Olivia, your relationship involves no sex at all?
Is it possible to maintain intimacy even without the one ingredient most of us would agree cements a healthy adult relationship?
“Yes, it is – if both people agree or accept it,” Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, tells Body+Soul.
“Looking at the media, you may believe that the best relationships are full of passion and hot sex all the time, which can influence how people judge their own relationships. But what really matters is how a couple defines intimacy. It needs to be what suits them and what they can both live with.”
Problems are most likely to arise, says Shaw, when your sex lives aren’t fully in sync, with one person in the relationship wanting more sex than the other.
“Sexual appetite varies from person to person and, at times, you might agree it isn’t a very important aspect of your relationship and accept it as a smaller part of your connection,” she explains.
“Often, however, one person is driving the decision and that means you need to actively work to reach a common understanding – a discussion that may also need to be revisited over time. Once a couple stops having sex, you can start to feel like flatmates or friends rather than intimately involved, so it’s important that there’s genuine acceptance about it, even if you’re not in complete agreement.”
As for Olivia, she’s found that the stresses of the pandemic have brought her and Noah emotionally closer – even without the bonding powers of sex.
“I’m still excited about marrying Noah, and having lived through the pandemic together, we’re closer than ever,” she says.
“We bond through emotional chats, mutual support, lots of cuddling and holding hands in bed as we fall asleep. We’re definitely more than just good friends – we just aren’t that interested in sex.”
And as sex-free partnerships go, Shaw says they’re approaching things the right way.
“A couple who have agreed not to have sex can still show their connection in a range of ways,” Shaw explains.
“The secret to a healthy relationship that doesn’t include sex is working at the intimacy and connection that still defines you as a couple.”
It seems you could hardly crack a whip in the last decade without hitting a mainstream depiction of BDSM.Fifty Shades Of Greyeviscerated book sales and box office records; Rihanna’s ode to “chains and whips” peaked at number two on Billboard’s 2011 charts; Netflix’s Bonding gives dominatrixes a manic-pixie makeover. All that exposure to kink, power play, and BDSM (an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) may have you wanting to explore some elements of the practice yourself. Whether you want to try bondage, new props, role-playing, or being more dominant or submissive in bed, the numbers of BDSM-curious folks like yourself are steadily climbing.
Of the 2,000 adults surveyed in 2018 by sex toy brand EdenFantasys, one in four consider themselves kinky and are looking to explore new sex acts. Of that 25%, 14% said they wanted to incorporate dominance and submission into their partnered play — they just weren’t sure how to bring up the subject. Similarly, in 2021, dating app OkCupid tells Elite Daily they found a 17% increase in BDSM terms in women’s user profiles, and a 44% increase in similar terms in men’s user profiles. OkCupid also found an overall 14% increase in users who say they are “open to trying new things in bed” during the pandemic.
Psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy in Montreal, says these numbers likely rose throughout the pandemic because forced isolation prompted many partners to rewrite their sexual scripts and deconstruct their pre-existing power dynamics.
Why Is Submission So Hot?
Submission is widely misunderstood and misrepresented, according to Luterman. “Submission doesn’t just mean being able to bend over, or get on your knees, or do all of these hot things that you see in porn, and have it be arousing,” she tells Elite Daily. Instead, she says, submission is sexy because of the narrative ascribed to it.
“You don’t have to fantasize about sweeping floors, but if your beautiful person comes over to you and says, ‘I want to watch you sweep this floor. Take your clothes off, I want to watch your body while you do this for me,’ you may find it really interesting to sweep that floor,” Luterman says. “It’s not the act, it’s the dynamic.”
Luterman makes the point that, in a pre-internet age, most people could just pick up a Playboy and be perfectly aroused. A static (albeit very hot) image was enough. But now, “people need a story to motivate their arousal more than ever.” Power play and BDSM, especially dominance and submission, offer people an avenue to engage their imaginations and act out their fantasies.
Subs Have The Power
Another misconception about submission is that it’s an expression of disrespect, Luterman says. Instead, she says, submission is based on “unconditional respect” and a “belief that your pleasure is of equal or greater importance to the partner you’re playing with.”
Jasmine Johnson, a Florida-based licensed clinical therapist and self-described “adult entertainer and sex educator committed to decolonizing sex,” puts it another way. “One of the most important things for a submissive to know is that they have all of the power in the dynamic,” she says. Even if your goal in practicing submission is to give up the power, your role as a sub is to recognize that you have power to begin with, and “it’s yours to give, to submit, and to relinquish to your partner. It’s a give and take.”
Dominance and submission look different for every partnership, but at its core, Luterman says “dominance is not domineering, it’s nurturance.” As a sub, your dom should be “a person who — no matter how they choose to pleasure you, or what props you use, or what story you’re going to use as a motivator for that erotic scene — is very aware of your wellbeing and is attuned to what it is that you’re after sexually and erotically.”
“To use the archetypal image of submission, it doesn’t have to be on your knees somewhere, or you looking up,” Luterman says. “The scene may actually look dominant; a woman who’s been afraid of getting on top all her life, maybe because she’s a bigger woman, may actually feel great pride in feeling nurtured into her pleasure, and moved by the person beneath her, who’s a really good dominant.”
Other misconceptions about BDSM abound: Subs don’t solely give pleasure while doms receive it; the pleasure-giving should be mutual, even if it looks imbalanced from the outside. Also, sub/dom relationships do not have to incorporate sadism or masochism — or include pain at all — unless all partners are aroused by it.
Subs Need Clear Boundaries
Despite popular depictions, sub/dom relationships don’t follow a formula; a sub needs to first determine for themselves how they want to submit — and what their boundaries are — before they can start practicing with a partner.
Luterman says the first step to incorporating submission into your relationship is to communicate your desire to play with power in your sex life. Tell your partner you want to see what it feels like to not be allowed to do things, or to not allow them to do things. If your partner is receptive, the next step is learning how to articulate the fantasy you have in your head. She suggests asking yourself what it is you want, how you want to be seen by your partner, and what you can take from past sexual experiences to fuel your next encounter.
Similarly, Johnson tells clients in the early stages of experimenting with submission to identify the power that they have and the power they’d like to relinquish.
“Is it your body? What parts of your body?” she asks. “Is it your mind? What aspects of your psyche do you want to offer to your partner? By creating that framework, it allows dominants and submissives to be safe, and the submissive is now prepared to do some work.”
Without putting in that work beforehand, Johnson says the sub/dom encounter will fail. “If I ask a submissive, ‘What are your boundaries?’ and they go, ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ or ‘do whatever you want,’ that’s a red flag for a dominant. You have to develop those boundaries. A dominant won’t create those for you.”
Johnson says by practicing submission without a clear idea of your own needs, you’re not only setting yourself up for a less fulfilling exchange, but you’re putting yourself in danger. “What we don’t want is for a submissive to go into a dynamic where they say ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ but they end up discovering those boundaries by crossing them,” she says. “Those boundaries get created for you out of bad things happening. So self-exploration is important.”
Before you take your sub/dom fantasy to a partner, Johnson recommends familiarizing yourself with your own boundaries and pleasure first — perhaps by way of something she calls “self-domination,” to get an idea of the things you might like.“If I’m doing a session with a client and they say they like to be spanked, I’ll go, ‘Where? How hard?’ And they’re like, ‘I don’t know, whatever you want,’” Johnson says. “So I say go ahead and slap yourself the way you like to be slapped.”
When you do eventually introduce the idea of power play to your partner, Luterman suggests that you take it slow. “Incorporate dress rehearsals where you can dialogue, for example, what parts of your body are absolute ‘no’s; what parts of your body are experimental, ‘let’s see how it goes’ regions; what parts are ‘yes, please,’” she says.
Submission Can Be Freeing
People fantasize about submission for any number of reasons. Luterman says many peopleare drawn to submission because it’s clinically effective in the treatment of anorgasmia. “A lot of girls in their early 20s don’t have partnered orgasms very easily,” Luterman says. “They don’t feel comfortable incorporating vibration yet, or they feel like they’re responsible for their partner’s ego during sex so it has to be all manual.” But, she says, asking a partner to dominate you a bit in the situation can make a massive difference.
“Say something like, ‘If you tell me I’m not allowed to, or restrain my hands a little bit while you give me clitoral stimulation, then I think I may feel less responsibility to make it happen for myself.’”
“If you incorporate a little bit of power play, you reduce the responsibility sense, you reduce the fear that a person has to perform as they feel they’re expected to,” she continues. “There’s going to be an essence of that encounter that’s going to help you get out of your comfort zone and leave you feeling less vulnerable afterwards.”
In this way, the most powerful sub/dom relationships can be transformative. “A good dom will say, ‘You’re going to do this for me. We’re going to take care of you,’” Luterman says. “I see a lot of bold moves come from healthy dominant/submissive relationships.”
Sex and our preferences for certain kinds of sex acts change all the time. This is a fact of life for many people.
What worked for you for years may suddenly not be your thing anymore—and that’s totally OK. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a sex therapist and host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody that our desires are the product of a variety of bio-psycho-social systems. “Since these systems are always evolving, it is only expected for human desires and preferences to change, as well,” she explains.
But how do you share this with a partner? For example, maybe you’re super into spanking—and then one day you realize you’re not so into spanking anymore.
There aren’t any guidelines on how you let a partner in on this information. Like, “Hey, babe. You know how I love when you hit my ass so hard you leave marks? Yeah, I hate that now.” Not so cute-sounding, huh? This applies to all sexual activities. Maybe you’re a bottom and now you’d like to be a top (or verse), perhaps you used to enjoy a certain kind of pattern during oral and now don’t, or perhaps you used to enjoy rough sex and now you aren’t as comfortable with that dynamic. This is all boundary-related.
We need to build a language to have these conversations with empathy and respect to avoid rejection, hurt feelings, and feeling ignored—or even violated.
While this article may sound like it’s geared more toward people who are in sexual/romantic relationships (as these are usually the types of relationships that need this kind of re-negotiation), all of these guidelines can be used for all kinds of relationships. No matter the type of relationship you’re currently in, we all need this information. The reality is, as with all things related to sexuality, boundaries are fluid and shift all the time.
In September, we published a five-step guide to communicating with a partner. Here’s how to communicate with your partner about new sexual boundaries when you’ve found they’ve changed.
1. Consider the Impact Staying Silent Can Have on You and the Relationship.
If you’re feeling anxious about discussing your new boundaries, remember that keeping this under lock and key could be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and personal well-being—no matter how casual or serious the relationship itself is. “If you continue to engage in an activity that you no longer enjoy, it will impact your enthusiasm around sex and, in turn, your relationship,” Moali says.
What’s more, you could wind up feeling violated. When we engage in sex we don’t want, it begins to erode our sense of safety. This can lead to bigger issues in our lives, such as anxiety and depression. Don’t fall into this trap. Speaking up is a must.
2. Obtain Consent for the Conversation.
Kristen Tribby, a certified sex educator and head of marketing and education at FUN FACTORY, advises couples who don’t regularly discuss sex as part of their communication practice to consider opening the conversation to a general discussion of sex to get comfortable with the topic.
However, to do this ethically, you need permission to initiate such a vulnerable discussion. The way to ask? Try: “Are you in a place right now to discuss our sex life? I think it would be really beneficial for us to have a check-in.”
Once you feel comfortable talking about sex openly, you can get into the meatier topic of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily “difficult” to talk about, we simply don’t have as much practice discussing them as we do, say, how our dickhead boss is being a dickhead again.
3. Have the Conversation Outside of the Bedroom.
Conversations about sex shouldn’t take place during sex. This is a golden rule for getting what you want in the bedroom. Why? Because being naked and sexy with someone is very vulnerable. The last thing you want to hear is something negative.
Consequently, Moali suggests keeping discussions about all things sex outside of the bedroom.
Make sure to figure out a convenient time and place so that everyone can be prepared and ready to go. “Oftentimes, people bring up the conversation at a time [when] their partner is preoccupied or in a rush. This jeopardizes their chance of being heard,” Moali says.
4. Having the Talk: Start With the Positive Things, Then Move on to the More Loaded Topics.
Being in a relationship (serious or otherwise) requires taking any conversation about sex with a heavy dose of empathy. We’re all just humans who are doing our best. The thing is, your partner won’t be aware that your boundaries have changed unless you tell them, because they are not a mind reader. However, it would be irresponsible to say that there is no way they won’t react negatively to this topic because it’s both loaded and can feel like a personal attack in a world so devoid of basic sexuality education.
So, to mitigate the possibility of hurt feelings, Tribby suggests starting with the positive aspects of your sex life before hitting your partner with newfound boundaries. You might start by saying: “I like it when you [do] X thing” or “It was so sexy when you did X.”
Then, focus on the things you’d like to change. “Make your comment on the thing you don’t like, [focusing] your attention on the act and not on the person or their technique,” Tribby says.
Two simple ways to approach the topic of boundaries, compliments of Tribby:
“You know, I think I’m not into spanking anymore, but I’m really into that new thing you did to me the other night.”
“Spanking isn’t really my thing anymore, but I think it would be fun to try something new, like XYZ.”
Lastly, invite the person to share their own ideas on things that would be hot for both of you. Compromise is always key when it comes to having great sex.
5. Set Up Monthly “Sexual Health Dates.”
Once you establish a way into these discussions, turn it into a habit. Sexual wellness is as important in relationships as anything else, yet we tend to throw it right on the old back burner the minute life gets rocky.
Moali suggests making a monthly check-in a must-have, even going so far as to have it set in stone on the Google calendar. “During these dates, couples can discuss what is working for them, what they want more of, and what activities are not giving them pleasure anymore,” she explains. “If you get into the habit of checking in with each other on a regular basis, it will be easier long term to give and receive honest feedback.”
“Sexual relationships thrive on clear communication, so this could be a good chance to grow even closer,” Tribby says.
Communication is lubrication, friends. And if you clearly communicate your boundaries and your partner refuses to respect them, well, then it’s time to say “Bye, bye, boo!”
When Hugh Nini and Neal Treadwell stumbled across a photo from the 1920s of two men in a tender embrace they thought it was one-of-a-kind. But things changed when they found more photographs. The result of their unexpected discovery is a moving book, portraying male romance over the course of a century.
When dating interracially, some Black people say that code-switching, a common practice of adapting the way they look, speak or act in different social settings, comes as second nature.
Remy Barnwell struggled with being her authentic self when she first started dating her boyfriend Ben Podnar in 2020. She concealed her afro for 6 months before sharing her natural hair texture with Mr. Podnar.
By Brianna Holt
Last September, when Remy Barnwell, 26, started dating Ben Podnar, who is white, she was hesitant to wear her hair in its natural state. As a Black woman, she was uncertain of how he would respond to her tightly coiled strands.
On her first date with Mr. Podnar, Ms. Barnwell, a tax attorney in Washington, D.C., arrived wearing box braids that concealed her natural Afro. Six months would pass before she let Mr. Podnar see her kinky coils.
“I definitely noticed the first time she took her braids out and I remember her being very concerned about how I would feel,” said Mr. Podnar, 29, an audience development director for the Center for American Progress in Washington.
Ms. Barnwell, who said straightening her hair since childhood “reinforced the idea that my natural hair was not enough,” was pleasantly surprised at Mr. Podnar’s response to her Afro. “At first I was really nervous, but he was immediately obsessed with it, which was a relieving and satisfying moment,” she said.
“I know a lot of people in her life have criticized her tight coils, so it’s especially been nice getting to see her feel that attraction from me no matter how she wears her hair,” added Mr. Podnar, who said he likes all of the different ways Ms. Barnwell styles her hair.
Hair isn’t the only thing Ms. Barnwell said she has toned down when getting to know someone who is not Black. She won’t play soul music, wears clothes that don’t expose her curves and avoids using African American Vernacular English, commonly known as Ebonics, in conversations.
“I also wore my Birkenstocks to my first date with Ben, which I’d never wear on a first date with a nonwhite man,” Ms. Barnwell said.
The alteration of hairstyles, clothes, and interests in order to gain social acceptance and limit the risk of falling victim to bias is a form of code-switching, a term that refers to the common practice of adapting or altering speech, dialect, look or behavior depending on the social setting.
Ms. Barnwell and other Black people say code-switching is common when they date interracially because first impressions determine if a second date is in the cards.
Joseph Lamour, 38, a journalist and illustrator who lives in Washington, said it wasn’t until a white boyfriend confronted him about his change in vernacular that he realized he altered his speech.
“We were driving to Boston and got a little lost, so I asked a Black person on the corner for directions,” said Mr. Lamour, who is Black. When he rolled his car’s window back up, Mr. Lamour said his then-boyfriend, a white man, asked why his voice changed when he spoke to the man. “I hadn’t even noticed I did it, but then he did an impression of it and it all came full circle,” he said, and added: “It’s kind of like a job interview where you sort of make yourself more corporate-sounding in order to seem more standard so that a second date can happen.”
Mr. Lamour, who said he mostly dates white men, later realized he code-switches in other ways when meeting someone who isn’t Black for the first time. “When I’m going on a first date, I consciously put on clothes that make me appear to be a Don Lemon-type instead of a 50 Cent-type — even though I have both types of clothing,” he said.
For Black people and other minority groups, code-switching is a way of existing within multiple worlds at once by repressing their authentic selves while playing up behavior seen as acceptable by a majority.
While a person of any race may adapt their authentic self to make a good impression on a date, this switch in behavior is often more prominent in interracial or interethnic relationships.
“The greater the perceived distance, cultural difference, or racial difference between the two people involved, the more code switching is likely to occur,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociologist and professor at N.Y.U.
Breuna Westry, 24, who lives in Austin, Texas, and works as an assistant marketing director for Clinical Compensation Consultants, said she mostly dates white men. Originally from New Orleans, Ms. Westry, who is Black, said she uses a vocabulary that is authentic to the Black community in her hometown. However, she said she consciously changes her vocabulary when going on a date with someone who isn’t Black.
“The slang is ingrained in me. I say things like ‘yes’m’ which is a total Southern, Black country term,” Ms. Westry said. “But sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t necessarily use certain phrases around the white guys I date.”
She said her mother’s use of Southern slang has also made her anxious about introducing her family to that of a prospective partner who isn’t Black.
“My mom is in her 60s and old-school, from Mobile, Alabama,” said Ms. Westry. “She feels comfortable in the way that she talks and I would never want somebody to judge her intellect level or anything based on that, because my mom’s a smart nurse.”
In the United States, the application of code-switching outside of linguistics is historically and culturally Black.
In his book “The Souls of Black Folk,” first published in 1903, W.E.B. Dubois described such behavior as “a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.”
But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Black academics began using the term code-switching to describe their interactions and relationships with white people.
Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles-based sex and relationship educator, who is Black, Indian, and white, said many Black Americans see code-switching as an obligation, rather than a choice.
“Code-switching is speaking specifically to Black people who have to assimilate, or feel that they have to assimilate, to white culture in order to receive success,” Ms. Boodram said, including “a romantic potential with somebody” who is white.
“There are so many negative stereotypes associated with blackness: if you dress a certain way, look a certain way, or if your hair is a certain way, you get lumped into what is perceived as ‘urban culture,’ and that’s not seen as professional,” Ms. Boodram added. “And maybe for some people, that’s not seen as the person that you want to bring home to mom.”
Black women in particular resort to code-switching when dating because of the bias they often face, a result of being stereotyped as angry and discontent, hypersexualized and lacking positive representation in TV and film. This bias has led to Black women being the least contacted on dating apps and facing the most racial and sexual discrimination in online dating settings.
“If we’re talking about interracial dating, specifically about Black women, they might ask, ‘Do I feel comfortable with showing myself to this person that maybe has their own preconceived notions about Black women? Is there some eroticism or thoughts around what it means to date me as a person?’” said Camille Lester, a relationship therapist based in New York, who is Black.
“Everybody, when they’re dating, puts on some type of mask and then the longer you’re with someone, or the closer you allow yourself to get, you take off pieces of that mask,” Ms. Barnwell said, adding: “It’s especially difficult to take off pieces of that mask when you’re a Black woman because we’re already the least appreciated.”
While code-switching might be the thing that gets someone a second date, those who acknowledge doing it said it wasn’t a long-term strategy. Mr. Lamour said that, lately, he has been interested in dating only people who are comfortable with his authentic self.
“I’ve been getting more comfortable with myself and therefore the person that I’m going to be with is going to have to be comfortable with me, because I am,” he said.
Ms. Barnwell had a similar realization. “I finally got to a place where I didn’t really want to spend the time or money to get my hair braided again,” she said of the moment she decided to let Mr. Podnar see her natural hair. “I was like, ‘OK, am I going to let my white boyfriend see me with my Afro?’ And I really had to tell myself this was dumb, and if he sees me in my Afro and he hates it, then we simply should just break up.”
You must be logged in to post a comment.