Tag: Relationship Advice

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What College Students Should Know About Consent

By Erika W. Smith

In 2015, artist Emma Sulkowicz wore a pale blue graduation robe and cap as they carried a 50-pound mattress across the stage, helped by four of their friends. Sulkowicz had been carrying the mattress — identical to those used in dorm rooms — around the Columbia University campus for an entire school year, as a performance art piece that doubled as their senior thesis. When they began the piece, Sulkowicz said they would carry the mattress until the student they said raped them in their dorm room was either expelled or voluntarily left school. But Sulkowicz graduated before either of those things happened.

Sulkowicz’s performance brought a new spotlight to the ongoing national conversation about sexual assault on college campuses. Now, the #MeToo movement has brought a new lens through which to continue the conversation. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women and one in 16 men will be sexually assaulted while in college, and according to the advocacy organization End Rape On Campus, nearly one in four transgender and gender non-conforming undergraduate students will be sexually assaulted while in college.

And many of the people (mostly cis men) committing sexual assault don’t understand that what they’re doing is sexual assault. One study found that male undergraduates were more likely to admit to raping a partner when the assault was described in other language (for example, “Have you ever coerced somebody to intercourse by holding them down?”) rather than when the word “rape” was used.

Ted Bunch, co-founder of A Call To Men, previously told Refinery29 that in his workshops for high school boys, only 19% can accurately define consent. “Boys actually think ‘no’ means try harder. They think ‘no’ means get her drunk or that they’re not approaching it right and they have to change their approach,” he said.

Campus sexual assault is so prevalent that it has often been called an “epidemic,” and yet only eight states in the U.S. require public school sex education to even mention consent. It’s vital that students understand consent before entering college — the first six weeks of college are sometimes called “the Red Zone” because this is the time of year when the majority of on campus sexual assaults occur.

As Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape editor Jaclyn Friedman previously wrote for Refinery29, “When I talk to students about sex and consent, I’m often asked — mostly by young men — how often they have to check in with a partner to make sure they’re doing consent right… But rape is not a technicality, and consent is not a one-and-done box to be ticked; it’s an ongoing process between two people, which requires treating your partner like an equal. Trying to reduce ‘consent’ to something you need to get out of the way so you can go ahead and get some means you’re more concerned with gaming the rules than with treating your partner like a human person.”

We’ll break down some of the intricacies and common misconceptions about consent here, but Friedman gets right to the main point of it: treat your partner like a human person.

What Is Consent?

At its most basic definition, consent means agreeing to do something. When talking about sexual activity, activists are pushing for laws that establish affirmative consent, or “Yes Means Yes.” This approach establishes consent as something you actively say “yes” to, rather than simply the absence of a “no.”

According to End Rape On Campus, affirmative consent laws “establish that consent is a voluntary, affirmative, conscious, agreement to engage in sexual activity, that it can be revoked at any time, that a previous relationship does not constitute consent, and that coercion or threat of force can also not be used to establish consent. Affirmative consent can be given either verbally or nonverbally.” Additionally, these laws make it clear that someone is “incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or is either not awake or fully awake, is also incapable of giving consent.” California and New York have such laws in place, as do a number of individual schools in other states, including the University of Minnesota, Texas A&M, and Yale University. Even if your state or school currently has a laxer legal view of consent, morally, this is the way to go.

How Do I Know If My Partner Is Giving Consent?

Sexuality educator Jamie J. LeClaire highlights five different factors to examine when talking about consent. They tell Refinery29 that consent must be:

 1. Voluntary: “Consent must be freely given without any threat, force, intimidation, or coercion.”

2. Informed and coherent: “Someone who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs and not entirely coherent, or asleep or not completely awake, is unable to give consent.”

3. Enthusiastic and unambiguous: “You shouldn’t be unsure of whether or not someone is into what’s happening. There should be no confusion as to whether your partner is a willing and eager participant.”

4. Reversible: “Consent can be withdrawn at any time. That first green light can become a ‘Time to slow down’ or ‘Actually, I want to stop,’ at any moment for any reason, and that’s totally 100% valid, and their bodily autonomy must be respected.”

5. Ongoing and specific: “Sex is an active, continuous interaction — consenting to some heavy petting isn’t necessarily agreeing to be flogged.”

Remember that, as LeClaire says, “Consent must be given no matter what your relationship status is with your sexual partner.” Whether this is a long-term partner or someone you just met, if they’re not into it, stop.

Consent & Alcohol Or Drugs

Some consent guidelines say that a person cannot give consent if they are “incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.” However, other activists push for stronger standards.

“When it comes to mixing alcohol and other drugs with sex, my advice is: don’t,” Sam Wall, Assistant to the Director at sex education site Scarleteen.com, previously told Refinery29. “Any alcohol consumption makes consent anything from automatically questionable to outright impossible.” However, she added, “Realistically speaking, we know people can and do have mutually consensual, non-sober sex.” So if you and your partner do decide to have sex after drinking or doing drugs, “clear verbal consent is a MUST, not a maybe, and ANY indication someone is simply wasted, or isn’t aware or alert or all-there should be a stop sign, no argument.

Research shows that around half of all sexual assaults are committed by men who have been drinking alcohol, and that men who drink heavily are more likely than other men to report having committed sexual assault. If you think there’s any chance drinking may impact your ability to tell whether your partner is consenting, do not drink and have sex.

Consent & Condoms

In the past few years, there’s been a lot of media coverage of the rise of “stealthing” — the practice of removing a condom during sex without a partner’s consent. In one 2018 study, 32% of women who have sex with men and 19% of men who have sex with men reported having experienced this. Unfortunately, there are no laws in the United States that explicitly name stealthing as a form of sexual assault, however, activists and lawmakers are pushing to change that.

“If someone consented to sex using condoms or other prevention methods, that’s the conditions of sex in which they consented. Removing the barrier method without your partner’s knowledge is an absolute violation of consent and sexual assault,” LeClaire says.>

Consent & Nude Photos

Keep consent in mind when sending nude photos, too. Earlier this year, Texas introduced a bill that would make sending unsolicited nude photos a misdemeanor, punishable by a $500 fine. Many couples enjoy sending sexy photos to each other — but make sure that the person you’re sending the photo to actually wants to receive it.

“Unsolicited nude pics via text, SnapChat, dating apps, or whatever it may be, are a breach of consent. It’s really not that hard to ask for consent for sending naughty pics,” LeClaire says. “[Text something like], ‘I took some XXX photos of myself earlier, would love to send,’ and wait for permission. If they aren’t into it, respect that!”

If your partner sends you nude photos that you asked for, keep those photos private and do not share them with your friends or post them online. This is a violation of consent commonly called “revenge porn.”

How Do I Ask For Consent?

Some people think that asking for consent is “un-sexy,” but that’s not the case at all. As LeClaire points out, there are many different ways to ask for consent, up to and including dirty talk. Saying something like, “Do you like this?” or “I really want to [describe what you want to do]” are both ways of asking for consent. Your partner’s response “should sound nothing short of excitement, and it should NOT sound like hesitance, silence, or unease,” LeClaire says.

What Is Title IX?

In 1972, Title IX of the Education Amendments banned discrimination on the basis of sex in “any educational program or activity receiving federal funding,” which includes both public and private colleges. Along with protecting students from discrimination in areas such as sports, Title IX applies to sexual assault and harassment. Title IX “provides protections for students who are survivors of sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape,” LeClaire explains.

In 2011, the Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights introduced new guidelines for how colleges should handle sexual harassment and assault. However, President Trump’s Secretary of Education, Betsy Devos, has worked to roll back these Obama-era guidelines. Still, Title IX currently applies to sexual assault on campus.

“Every college will have a Title IX coordinator. If you know someone has sexually assaulted someone, inform your school’s Title IX coordinator. If you or someone you know what sexually assaulted, tell your school’s Title IX coordinator (with consent),” LeClaire says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Am I Queer?

Here’s How To Tell

By Caroline Colvin

So, you’re not sure if you’re “bisexual,” “pansexual,” or “lesbian” to be exact, but you have an inkling you’re not strictly straight. If you’ve been wondering, “Am I queer?”, there is no simple answer to that question. On one hand, you might be able to pinpoint exactly which childhood female celebrity crush sparked a sexual awakening. Or maybe you distinctly remember a K-12 Valentine made with extra special care for a girl in your class. On the other hand, maybe you’ve shared a curious, impulsive kiss with a girl. Or maybe you’ve hooked up with another woman, either one-on-one or in a threesome, and have elected to ignore those implications. Whatever your case may be, there are def some aspects of your sexual and romantic attractions you can reflect on to answer that question.

Data from the Pew Research Center shows that more and more Americans are identifying as members of the LGBTQ+ community. As of 2017, a little more than 10 million people in the U.S. or 4.1% of Americans identified as LGBTQ+. That’s up from 8.3 million people or 3.5% of Americans in 2012, according to the same researchers. Interestingly enough, millennials lead the pack when it comes to identifying as queer. In 2017, LGBTQ media organization GLAAD found that 20% of 18- to 34-year-olds identify as LGBTQ+ in the U.S.

If you’re curious about whether you’re queer, here are some aspects of your desires to consider.

“Queer” can be how you identify

It’s important to know that “queer” can be an umbrella term. For example, you’ve possibly heard people use “the queer community” and “the LGBTQ+ community” interchangeably. It’s also important to know that “queer” can be the specific label you identify with — that’s the “Q” in “LGBTQ+!” The queer community includes people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and pansexual — so, anyone who isn’t straight. (This also includes folks who are transgender, non-binary, or two-spirit, so anyone who isn’t cisgender or the gender they were assigned at birth. But for the purposes of this article, we’re just going to focus on sexuality, which is separate from gender.)

When it comes to using “queer” as your label, sex and relationships therapist Courtney Watson, whose practice works specifically with LGBTQ+ people of color, says, “‘Queer is a term that offers the most fluidity in definition. [It also] allows for a sexuality identity that transcends discreet gender and sexual orientation categories.”

What you’ll notice romantically is…

One thing sexuality educator Jamie J. LeClaire emphasizes is that there isn’t just one way to be queer, especially when it comes to romantic orientation. You might be:

  • aromantic, which means you lack of romantic attraction completely,
  • biromantic or panromantic, meaning you feel romantically attracted to more than one gender,
  • or homorantic, meaning you feel romantically attracted to people of the same binary gender that you identify as.

Do you have warm and fuzzy feelings for a woman at work? Has romance just never been your jam? Do you dwell on how nice it would be to cuddle, hold hands with, and raise a dog with one your hot, charming non-binary friends? Queerness looks different for everyone, but LeClaire says, “If you find yourself developing romantically-fueled, crush-type feelings outside of the scope of heteroromanticism, you might be queer!”

What you might notice sexually is…

As LeClaire puts it, one of the main signs you might be queer is you catch yourself “fantasizing or desiring sexual intimacy, in any way outside of strict heterosexuality.” You might be:

  • asexual, meaning you lack sexual attraction completely,
  • bisexual or pansexual, meaning you’re sexually attracted to two or more genders,
  • or lesbian or gay, meaning you’re sexually attracted to people of the same or similar gender as you.

This might look like an interest in lesbian porn, or sexual fantasies with people of the same gender or similar genders. It could be as tame as daydreams of kissing a cute someone of the same gender (or a similar gender presentation) from one of your classes. This might be having zero or only a passing interest in sex at all. Queerness differs from person-to-person, but these are some things to consider about your sexual desires.

And don’t feel pressure to come out

“Generally speaking, ‘coming out’ is a never-ending process in today’s world, where people are harmfully assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual/allosexual,” LeClaire says.(Allosexual is term for folks who experience sexual attraction, unlike asexual folks.) “Do what is right and feels comfortable for you and your situation.”

Especially if you feel like your parents, guardians, or community will react badly (or even violently) to your newly acknowledged queerness, wait until you feel safe to do so.

“If you have the financial privilege to go to therapy, it can be an incredible tool for navigating the coming-out process,” LeClaire suggests. Cultivate a support system of friends or “chosen family” to have your back as you figure your queerness out. “Support can very well come from online queer communities if that’s all you can access, which are incredible resources as well.”

Whatever the case may be, don’t stress about labels

No matter what label you end up sticking with, Watson explains, “It’s also important to know that your attractions and identities can be fluid and change.” It’s why Alfred Kinsey, a famous sexologist, invented the Kinsey scale — a numbered spectrum between completely homosexual and completely heterosexual — to help queer people express how they felt. Because even in 1948, people were realizing that no two bisexuals loved and desired people in the same exact way, and that sexuality evolves.

“As for how to find a label that works for you, think about what you feel most deeply resonates for you right now,” Watson says. You can identify as bisexual today, but pansexual a year from now. You might feel comfortable with the lesbian label at first, but then realize you’re also asexual — so then you feel good about “gay and asexual” or “homoromantic asexual,” or no labels at all.

The word you pick for you identity is not a “life-long stamp.” Keeping that in mind can help take the pressure off.

What’s more, Watson says, “You can have an identity regardless of your current partner’s gender/sexual orientation.” You might be dating a man and still have sexual desires for women. You might be dating a lesbian woman and feel genderqueer. Who you’re dating at any given time doesn’t take away from who you are and how you feel comfortable identifying.

At the end of the day, LeClaire says, “Gender and sexuality are more than a spectrum. They are a universe of opportunities to live, love, and be loved.” Keeping this in mind can help you embrace and celebrate your queerness in a positive, reaffirming way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Do Your Sex Dreams Really Mean

And Should You Pay Attention To Them?

By Vicky Spratt

In certain schools of psychoanalysis, namely that of Sigmund Freud, dreams are considered to be a snapshot of our unconscious desires. As he saw it, while we sleep, we play a tape of things we cannot or, perhaps, would not do while we are awake. Freud saw dreams as the fulfilment of a repressed wish.

This, for anyone who has ever had a sex dream, can make for troubling reading. If you’ve ever woken up from one, particularly if you share a bed with your real life partner, still able to remember everything in vivid detail, you’ll know what a complex set of feelings it can provoke.

Not too long ago this came up while I having a weekend away with a friend. As we sat in a country pub, drinking lager shandies with cards on the table (that we had no intention of playing) and both confessed that recently we’d been having more sex dreams than we felt entirely comfortable with.

If a new study, published in the journal Psychology and Sexuality, is to be believed, there’s a reason why this is coming up so much in conversation. Young women today are reporting having more erotic dreams than they have ever done in previous studies (though still less than men).

The researchers defined an erotic dream as including “sexually motivated actions such as flirting, kissing, intercourse or masturbation as well as watching sexual actions.” They asked 2,907 16-92 year-olds about their dreams and found the highest frequency of erotic dreams among those aged 16-30.

There’s a pretty straightforward explanation for all of this, as the study itself points out. Young women, who have grown up in the wake of the feminist movements of the 1960s and 70s which brought about a sexual revolution, are more open about sex. As a result, they’re more likely to report erotic dreams than older generations would have been at their age.

“

Young women today are reporting having more erotic dreams than they have ever done in previous studies (though still less than men).

”

Back in that small, quiet country pub my friend (who for obvious reasons will remain anonymous) and I both expressed serious concern about what our dreams might mean and how they were influencing our relationships.

“In mine,” she had half-whispered, leaning in across the wobbling table and spilling beer in the process, “I’m always a younger version of myself and I’m getting off with men that age too.”

I confessed that my dreams always involved the same ex-boyfriend to the point where I now felt incredibly uncomfortable and, at several points, had even considered reaching out to him. The whole thing was causing me to reconsider my current, long-term relationship.

Since then, another friend (who also wished to stay anonymous), has told me that she had “started to look forward to turning the light out in bed” because she knew she could drift off into an erotic dream, despite being very much in love with her current partner.

Perhaps that’s because at some point in our lives we’ve all read – or at least heard of Freud – and absorbed the idea that our dreams are our subconscious trying to tell us something.

Sexual desire and guilt are often convergent parts of being human but when it comes to dreaming, about someone else, while lying next to your real life partner they become one and the same.

Dr Dylan Selterman is a senior lecturer at the University of Maryland’s psychology department. His work focuses on patterns of dreaming and how dreams influence our subsequent behaviour. I asked him what he makes of this latest research?

“To be clear, the study doesn’t actually show that young women (or men) are having more erotic dreams today,” he said, offering a word of caution. “The study simply shows that participants estimated a higher percentage of erotic dreams than in previous studies. This could be explained by a number of factors. The current study was recall-based, whereas previous studies used diaries. In general, diary studies are more accurate in terms of frequencies, but the recall-based studies can still be quite useful”.

In his own research, Selterman has found that the content of erotic dreams does affect how we interact with our romantic partners afterwards.

“Specifically,” he says, “socially negative dream content including jealousy and infidelity predicted more conflict and less intimacy the following day, especially for people who either scored high in insecurity or whose relationship was not going well.”

Meanwhile, for people whose relationship was going well he found “if they had a sex dream they felt more intimacy with their partners the next day.”

This reflects the experience of one of my friends. She found that having sex dreams actually made her feel more affectionate towards her partner. She said it made her “appreciate” him more and actually inspired her to have more sex with him in real life. (A colleague also told me she has had a sporadic but recurring sex dream about the same man for over a decade. That man is Eminem and she’s harboured fond feelings for him ever since.)

However, for the other, the opposite was true. She and her partner had become disconnected, she was unsure about whether she wanted to stay in the relationship. Every morning, after one of the erotic dreams she so looked forward to she would feel “empty and guilt ridden.”

Selterman cautions that while there is growing research in this area there isn’t enough to draw concrete conclusions from. When is comes to psychology, he points out, have moved on a lot since Freud.

“I’m not sure that erotic dreams ‘mean’ anything in terms of symbolism or latent content because we don’t have evidence for that,” he adds. “Instead, we likely dream about sex because we think about sex while we’re awake. The continuity hypothesis (which is mentioned in the new research), suggests that dreams mirror our thoughts and behaviours while awake.”

So, I ask Selterman, should we pay attention to sex dreams when we have them or not? “Sure!” he says, “why not! Dreams can give a great insight into our minds and relationships.”

However, insight is not the same as a dream delivering us a veiled message from our subconscious. A sex dream is more likely to be a reflection of something you were already thinking about that day. If it comes as a surprise to you in the night, it might be worth being very honest with yourself about what you want and whether you’re getting what you need when you’re awake.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From sex to money…

The eight deep discussions that can save a dying relationship

John and Julie Gottman have devised dates for ailing couples – but how many are ready for this level of openness and sincerity?

By Emine Saner

How often do we really talk to our partners? About the big stuff, not about childcare arrangements, or what the funny noise coming from the fridge means? According to a study at the University of California, Los Angeles, couples with small children, and who both have careers, talk for just 35 minutes a week, and mainly about errands. That study, says John Gottman, “alarmed” him and his wife, Julie. “It seemed like couples who had been together a long time were not taking care of the relationship – their curiosity in one another had died,” he says.

Gottman, the renowned relationships researcher known for his work on divorce predictors, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, a psychologist, have been married for 32 years. They founded the Gottman Institute, which conducts research and trains therapists. Their Gottman method is an approach designed to repair and deepen relationships, concentrating on three main areas – “friendship, conflict management and creation of shared meaning”. They have also written many books, together and separately. Their latest book, which they wrote as a couple, is Eight Dates. It guides couples through eight conversations – to have on dedicated dates – on the big issues such as sex, parenting and how to handle conflict. It was partly sparked by the rise of online dating and to provide new couples with a roadmap to navigate tricky subjects, but mainly to give long-term couples a project to steer their relationship to a better place. “Couples who have been together for quite a long time create a relationship that grows stale with time, and they lose track of one another,” says Julie. “People evolve over time. They change.”

The categories – trust, conflict, sex, money, family, fun, spirituality and dreams – came out of the Gottmans’ years of observing the flashpoints in relationships, and they sent 300 heterosexual and same-sex couples out to test the dates. The dates have suggestions of places to go that fit the category – for instance, for the trust and commitment date, choose somewhere that is meaningful to your relationship – though they also have suggestions for meaningful dates at home, and open-ended questions to ask each other. Amazingly, they report that only one couple had an argument on one of their dates. But might disagreement be a danger for readers of the book? “It’s possible, but what we like to do is give people preparation in case conflict arises, so each chapter includes a bit of that,” says Julie. “But also we very carefully tailored the questions so that people were encouraged to self-disclose as opposed to comment on each other’s thoughts. And when you self-disclose, that’s really the antidote to creating conflict as opposed to judging the other person for their point of view.”

Each category has exercises and prompts to think about before the date – for instance, in the money and work section, you are encouraged to think about your family history with money, and complete a questionnaire on what money means to you, then bring these to the date to share, along with suggestions for discussion including: “What do you appreciate about your partner’s contribution to the wealth of the relationship?” and: “What is your biggest fear around money?”

Many of the questions will encourage you to confront your own prejudices and ideas of what a relationship should look like, probably influenced (for good or bad) by your parents’ relationship. “People tend to role-model after their caretakers,” says Julie. “Those are hard to step out of. It takes knowing what the alternative is and then practising it, making repairs when you do make a mistake and trying again.”

I can see the point of all of the dates, but some fill me with horror (talking about sex, mainly – I am British, after all). And my boyfriend would probably rather abandon his family, change his name and leave the country than have a date during which we try to have a serious conversation about growth and spirituality (sample question: “What do you consider sacred?”). How can you get your partner on board if they’re resisting? “Start with the chapter on sex,” says Julie. “I think it depends on what the objections are. If somebody is afraid of having a deeper conversation, you could say this is not about being judged. This is not meant as a sadistic torture for your partner, it’s about having a fun conversation and being able to have a jumping-off point. People are so caught up in the day-to-day tasks, they rarely have time to sit and reflect on: ‘What do I not know about my partner that I want to know?’” So many people in our culture are “broadcasters”, says John. “They think the important thing in a relationship is to be interesting, rather than to be interested.”

Which are the most important dates? Julie chooses trust and commitment, and dreams and ambitions. “When people talk about that, they have a chance to plumb their own depths, to see what really matters to them and what they really value, and how they want to give their lives meaning. Those are things that change and evolve over time.” She turns to John: “How about you, honey?” He smiles and says: “Fun and adventure, and sex.” They laugh and Julie says something about him being a typical man and kisses him on the cheek. “It was really sad that more than 70% of couples said that their lives had deteriorated in the bedroom,” says John, of his research. “They weren’t having much fun with one another. The things that really draw people together, that enhance living, wind up being put on the garbage heap. It’s certainly easy for relationships to become drudgery.”

John and Julie met in a coffee house in Seattle in 1986. John had recently moved to the city and was getting to know his new home: mainly, he says, by answering personals ads in the newspaper. “I dated 60 women. In three months.” Julie laughs and says: “He made a job of it.” Julie walked into the cafe and he invited her to join him: “Julie was number 61.” They were married within a year. How did they know each other was the right person? “We’d had other relationships so we had a lot of negative comparisons,” says Julie. “We’d made so many mistakes, and you really learn from your mistakes. Lo and behold, here’s this beautiful person who thinks you’re funny and cute, and whose eyes light up, and with whom you know you’ll never be bored.” They have worked together for much of that time. Even when they were newly married, they would go out “and we would ask each other these big open-ended questions, just like the ones in the book”, says Julie. John would bring a notebook on their nights out and make notes.

Both agree on the most productive category for them – dreams. Each year they take a holiday together (they call it a honeymoon) and discuss three things: what was bad about the previous year, what was good, and what they hope for the year ahead. “We really take some time to take a look at our lives and figure out how to make it better,” says John. Julie adds: “That’s where the dreaming comes in.”

They seem happy and connected. What do they wish all couples knew? “If your partner is having one of the negative emotions – fear, anger, sadness – you approach it with interest and curiosity and really communicate: ‘I want to know what you’re feeling, I want to know what’s going on with you,’” says John. Julie laughs and says it says a lot about their relationship that John focuses on listening when she chooses the opposite. “My thought is related to the speaker – there’s a lot of responsibility for the health of the relationship from how you bring up issues,” she says. “What I wish all couples knew is, when they have a concern or complaint, they need to describe themselves, not their partner.” It’s the difference between “I’m feeling hurt” and “you’ve hurt me”.

They both still get it wrong, says John. “We’re all facing the same kinds of problems and we need these blueprints,” he says. “We’re not experts on relationships, we’ve taken these ideas from real couples that we’ve done research on. It’s the data that’s informing us, not our own expertise: we don’t really have that, we’re like any other couple, we struggle with the same things.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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In a sex slump?

There’s an app for that…

By Marie Claire

As a nation, we’re getting less action in the bedroom than ever – and technology could be to blame. But it may also be the answer, says Rosie Mullender, who road tests the latest sex gadgets

There are three people in my relationship: me, my boyfriend Don, and Betty. She’s the female avatar he plays with on his PS4, and I often head to bed alone, while he stays up for hours killing aliens with gamers in a different time zone. Meanwhile, I’m happily having a passionate fling with Facebook, and both of us are seeing Netflix on the side.

We’re not the only ones whose sex lives have been interrupted by technology. Nearly all of us use some form before bed. Our always-on work culture is sending stress levels soaring, while online porn has been found to cause real-world relationship problems. Data analysed from the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles recently revealed that sex across the board in the UK is declining, with fewer than half of British men and women having sex at least once a week. This decline is most pronounced among the over-25s, and couples who are cohabiting or married (yep, that’s us). I sometimes get nostalgic about the days when we barely made it to the bedroom because the hallway was closer – rather than because we were watching ‘just one more episode’ on iPlayer.

But if technology is helping send the nation into a libido slump, could it also pull us out of it? Sex tech is a growing industry that is set to be worth £22m in revenue by 2020, and a new generation of toys and apps promises to help us get it on more often. So, which apps are most effective in encouraging us to reconnect with our partners instead of our screens? I asked four sex and relationship experts for their recommendations.

I thought Don would be excited by the prospect of trying them out, but when I asked him if he was up for it, he simply shrugged without looking up from his iPad. Oh dear, technology definitely owes us, big time, so let’s get started…

The sex-play app

‘Some apps, such as Kindu, offer a way to discover more about what you’d like to try as a couple,’ says Dr Pam Spurr, relationship counsellor and presenter of the Wham, Bam It’s Dr Pam! podcast. ‘An app can decrease anxiety when breaking free from your sexual routine and, for some couples, lead to more honesty and confidence to experiment.’

We download Kindu (free on Android and iOS), which lists a variety of sex moves we can tag as a yes, no or maybe. Afterwards, it reveals those we’re both interested in – and among the more vanilla ideas that match, such as getting a massage together, there are a few surprises. We’re both keen to indulge in a spot of bondage – something we haven’t tried since the early days of our relationship. It’s also a relief to find that Don is equally turned off by the thought of ‘hiring a professional dominatrix’.

‘I was a bit worried you’d want to try things I’m totally not into,’ he says, echoing my thoughts exactly, ‘so it’s good to see we’re on the same page.’ My main worry was that we’d use the app to hide behind our phones, instead of talking. But the real point of Kindu seems to be to spark conversation, which, as with so many things, is the key to great sex.

Sex factor: 7/10

The pulsing air stimulator

‘Womanizer was the first company to patent Pleasure Air Technology, and because its stimulators use air, rather than direct vibration on your clitoris, they’re gentler,’ says sex educator Alix Fox. ‘They also switch off when not in contact with your skin, making them great for couples who have children and might be interrupted.’

I order a Womanizer Premium (£169) and banish Don from the bedroom – realising that flipping through an instruction manual isn’t a huge turn-on, I decide to get to grips with it alone. The stimulation provided by the unit’s gentle suction and vibrations is like no other; it feels like an incredibly intense butterfly kiss. Don soon joins me and we play together. As the Womanizer is so gentle, I’m not shy to use it with him, and it leads us to be more tender than usual. Don’s verdict? ‘You seemed more confident and totally turned on, which got me excited, too,’ he says. It feels like a very grown up piece of kit, and one we’re definitely going to try again – once I find the charger, which I’ve lost somewhere under the bed.

Sex factor: 8/10

The mindful sex app

‘Ferly is an app that helps partners find new ways of being together, which aren’t necessarily sexual,’ says psychosexual and relationship therapist Kate Moyle. ‘Modern couples often struggle to make space to prioritise each other, and Ferly encourages them to do so.’ Costing £40 for a premium annual subscription on iOS (an Android version is coming soon), the app offers podcasts on topics such as the relationship between boundaries and pleasure, a series of ‘Sexy Stories,’ and practical audio sessions designed to help you connect with your partner.

We try Touch-4-Touch, which involves facing each other, focusing on our breathing, then touching ‘for touching’s sake’ – holding hands, tracing each other’s faces and gently scratching each other’s necks. The soothing voice on the app acknowledges this might feel a bit strange, and it does, at first. But it also encourages us to really ‘see’ each other in a way long-term couples don’t often make time for.

Although we keep our clothes on, those ten minutes feel surprisingly intimate and really relaxing. We don’t have sex afterwards, but fall asleep hugging. ‘I think you’re beautiful, and focusing on your face reminded me of those little details I’ve stopped noticing,’ says Don. Which is definitely what I wanted to hear.

Sex factor: 9/10

The hands-free vibrator

‘A relatively recent addition to the sex-tech field is a range of toys you can control remotely via an app,’ says family therapist Stefan Walters. ‘As well as being a great tool for long-distance couples, they can feel like a safe introduction if you’re new to the idea of using toys together. Although I’m not a sex-toy virgin, it occurs to me that I’ve never used a vibe with Don (the idea makes me feel a bit vulnerable), so a remote-controlled device sounds ideal.

I order the We-Vibe Moxie (£119.99, Lovehoney), a ‘cheeky remote-control clitoral vibrator’, and we both download the We-Vibe app. Connecting the vibe to my phone via Bluetooth, I attach it to my knickers, leave Don in the lounge and head to the bedroom. Inviting him to join in and control the device, we warm up with a bit of chat via the app. ‘New vibe, who dis?’ he asks, which makes me laugh and relax. Then, he switches the Moxie on, scrolling through different vibration modes and intensities. I send instructions – ‘stronger, lighter, next!’ – but he has ultimate control. Eventually, my chat dries up as things get more intense, so I’m disappointed when the vibrations stop. I wonder if our connection has dropped, but then Don comes into the bedroom to take over.

Sex factor: 7/10

Although big fans of using hands and lips in the bedroom, and frank conversation out of it, trying out new-gen sex tech was an eye-opener for Don and I. It helped us open up about what we want, as well as providing some new sensations. Don’s keen to try the Moxie again next time I’m away for work, and I’m keeping the Womanizer in my bedside-table drawer. The Kindu is a fun conversation starter, while Ferly is a reassuring space in which to explore mindful sex, and one we’ll definitely be returning to. The internet might be keeping us out of the bedroom, but sex tech could also offer the tools to encourage us back in.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does cannabis affect men’s sexual health?

There’s a lot of information floating around the interwebs on how weed affects your erection. What’s the truth?

Cannabis may not impact sexual health as previously thought.

By Alana Armstrong

Have you ever wondered, somewhere in the back of your mind (minimized to a tiny voice so as to not freak yourself out) whether the weed you smoke affects your erection?

Yeah, we all have. At least those who are equipped to get erections.

And it’s no wonder. The internet is full of anecdotal descriptions of marijuana-triggered erections, something Urban Dictionary contributors call “stoner boner.” To quote the entry, this is “an erection obtained for no reason other than the fact that the obtainee was too damn high.” (Let’s face it. That’s way better than whisky dick.)

And there is maybe even more content out there about how marijuana impedes the boner. So, what’s real?

As far as we can tell, you can rest easy, brother. The facts about weed use and erections are uncertain at best, with one investigation suggesting that frequent cannabis use caused the men in their study to reach orgasm too quickly, too slowly, or not at all.

And then there’s this other study, which suggests that cannabis could be used to treat erectile difficulties in men with high cholesterol.

In short? The jury is still out. If you’re concerned about how marijuana affects your bedroom presence, try out some different strains and consumption methods. It’s certainly more fun that way,  and you can see how each one affects your desire and ability to perform. Bring on the boner!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Overcoming intimacy challenges after 50

By Julie Pfitzinger

Confidence: “The quality or state of being certain.” That’s the Merriam-Webster definition, but for many people who are starting to date again after 50, confidence can falter and it can be difficult to be certain about anything.

For those who have lost a spouse or partner to death, divorce or a break-up, a feeling of being vulnerable may begin to settle in, leading to concerns about finding intimacy, as well as about when and how to fully open up to another person.

In the Dating After 50 series on Next Avenue, we’ve covered several topics including online dating and dating etiquette, which have provided tips and suggestions for the “how” on ways to start dating again.

But there’s another kind of how — how to make yourself emotionally, and physically, available to someone new. Taking a risk to share yourself and everything you have to offer at this stage of your life. Accepting and acknowledging what potential partners are offering you. Being confident about what will happen next. And knowing that even though it might not be easy, you are certain that you are genuinely ready to find fulfillment and happiness with another person.

Are You Ready to Move On?

Experts like Lisa Copeland, an author, speaker and dating coach in her fifties, say the first step to tackling that feeling of vulnerability and to start building confidence is to properly grieve the end of a marriage or relationship, whether through a break-up, divorce or death, before you even think about moving on.

For those who have divorced, Copeland says the best way to tell if you are truly ready to date is to gauge if “you’re feeling fairly neutral about your former partner.” She notes, “If you don’t feel that way yet, you are going to bring that [experience] right into the new relationship.”

The situation is different for widows or widowers. “If they had a good marriage, they are wanting to repeat the same relationship with a different person,” Copeland says. The lost spouse is also often brought into a new relationship, but that person frequently becomes “like a saint,” she says, which can be counterproductive to establishing an authentic connection with another person.

Before opening yourself up to dating, start by building a new social circle. The first step, says Copeland, is “to get out of the house.”

“Make friends. Take classes. Get involved with activities. When you are involved in doing things you love, you will light up,” she explains.

Taking that first step to put yourself out there can be uncomfortable. Copeland is a big fan of Meetups, which she says are “an amazing way to connect with others.” In her view, going into a Meetup gathering with a mindset of simply making new friends is best.

“If you meet someone, that’s just a bonus,” she says.

Different Ideas About Sex

Fast forward a bit: You’ve met someone, the two of you have found common ground and the relationship is progressing well. But what comes next could produce the biggest crisis of confidence you’ve had, well, in years: the thought of a sexual relationship.

“People often approach sex with very different ideas,” says writer and speaker Walker Thornton, who is in her 60s and the author of Inviting Desire: A Guide for Women Who Want to Enhance Their Sex Life. “The basic question most everyone starts with is: ‘Am I going to get naked with this person? And then what do I do?’”

The first roadblock is often body image, which Thornton says is typically more of an issue for women than men, although men are definitely not immune to concerns.

“Women are more concerned about sags and folds,” she says. “But men are worried about getting an erection or about satisfying a woman.”

When it comes to sex, Thornton encourages women “to share the valuable information” they have about what they like and don’t like with a partner.

“What we desired at thirty is different from what we desire at fifty,” she says, adding that she understands that for many women, the conversation about likes and dislikes is uncomfortable.

“But if you can’t even ask [a partner] about sex, how are you going to do it?” Thornton wonders.

The Myth of STDs and STIs

One particular conversation that is vitally important is around the topic of STDs and STIs, explains Thornton, and it really is non-negotiable.

“Here’s the simplest way to couch that conversation: I care about your health, so I will be tested. If you care about my health, I ask you to do the same,” she says. “Offer to send him or her a copy of your test results and ask them to send theirs in return.”

The conversation shouldn’t stop there. Thornton goes on to say that if a partner is unwilling to use a condom, for example, “they aren’t showing you that they respect your health and well-being.” If that is the case, Thornton says, “be prepared to say ‘No’ to sex, and say that this refusal makes you question their commitment to being in a relationship.”

It’s a myth that older adults don’t get STDs or STIs such as syphilis and gonorrhea; condoms can protect from genital herpes, which while not life-threatening, can be very uncomfortable and more so for women than men, says Thornton.

Make a List of What You Need

Other health issues may also come into play in sexual relationships between older adults. “Sometimes, you have to broaden your definition of sex,” says Thornton. “Focusing on pleasure, in ways inclusive of orgasm or not.”

Chronic illness can be an issue, as can cancer treatment, which often results in hormonal changes; other challenges may include fatigue or muscle/movement problems. “That can lead to a discussion about a time of day that’s better for sex, or accommodations that are needed for a bed,” explains Thornton. “Again, the best way to address all of these issues is through conversation.”

Thornton, who most frequently speaks to groups of women, often suggests making a list of just what you are looking for when it comes to a sexual relationship in midlife and beyond.

“If you have sex with someone, do you anticipate that this will be an exclusive relationship? Or if your partner decides he or she doesn’t want a sexual relationship, is that okay? Maybe it is,” says Thornton. “For you, is sex merely a goal or a natural progression of becoming intimate with another person?”

‘You Have More Freedom’

Copeland, who has been divorced twice and is now in a relationship, says there is often healing to be done before people are ready to fully open themselves up to a new person. Still, she adds, it’s vital “to know your value and know that you are worthy of someone.”

“One thing that’s often overlooked when it comes to dating after fifty is that you have more choices. You have more freedom than you did when you were younger,” she says. “You can have companions or lovers, or be in a committed relationship.”

However, Thornton — also divorced and in a relationship — understands how some might not perceive this place in life as a place of freedom.

“If we think our time is limited, we can feel more vulnerable,” she says. “But it’s really all about going into dating with an open attitude. Be willing to take the risk.”

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Not tonight!

Why men are not always in the mood for sex

By Marjorie Brennan

A leading researcher challenges the belief that all men have higher sex drives than women. Many feel under pressure to initiate intimacy and would prefer greater equality in bed.

It is one of the most famous phrases in the English language but it is doubtful that Napoleon ever uttered the words “Not tonight, Josephine”.

However, it remains a humorous standby precisely because of its ‘nudge-nudge, wink-wink’ unlikelihood. What man ever turned down sex when offered up to him on a plate?

However, it could be that this isn’t as unlikely a scenario as we think, according to Canadian relationship therapist Sarah Hunter Murray, who has carried out extensive research on the subject of male sexual desire. She has delved beneath the stereotype of the man who is always ready for sex, finding that many men don’t always feel ‘up for it’ and are uncertain and fearful about how to raise the issue with their partners. As a result, relationships and intimacy are at risk.

In her book Not Always in the Mood, Hunter Murray aims to debunk the myths that surround men’s sexual desire. She says that we have been culturally conditioned, through songs, films, television and advertising, to view men as having an insatiable sexual appetite.

“As a sex researcher, I started studying women’s sexual desires, which were complex and nuanced, with so many factors impacting whether women were in the mood or not. I started to notice there was a counterpoint. In the research, there was this implication that men’s desire was always high or they were always in the mood, and would never turn down sex,” she says.

Over the course of 10 years, Hunter Murray interviewed 237 men of all ages and backgrounds in an attempt to discover whether this was really the case.

“I started by interviewing men without knowing what I’d find… it wasn’t long before they showed they wanted to discuss a more complex narrative than the one we had heard.”

While in initial interviews, the subjects would suggest they had higher sex drives than their partners, when Hunter Murray probed deeper, a different story began to emerge.

“With the in-depth interviews, we would talk for an hour, and they started opening up. I’d ask ‘is there ever a time you’d say no?’ and they’d say ‘if I was sick, or tired’, and I felt the more space men had to express their experiences the more I’d hear stories like ‘my wife and I aren’t really on the same page, we’re emotionally disconnected, I’m not always so turned on, sometimes my wife will suggest having sex before we’ve had a chance to talk and I feel pressured to say yes’.

It struck me that those interviews would begin with men following stereotypical descriptions of their desire — and how we rely on those first minutes and those stereotypes.

Hunter Murray’s book is an attempt to change the conversation around sexual desire, from a male and female perspective.

“What I mostly see is that women either presume men’s desire should be high, so that if their partner has lower desire than them — which is quite common — they take it personally, that he’s not attracted to her or there’s an issue with the relationship. They can also feel frustrated if their male partner does have a high level of sexual desire but they feel ‘he’s just a horndog’ and it has nothing to do with attraction, that he just wants to experience the physical pleasure.

“But I also hear from men in my research that sex is a really intimate way for them to connect and when they initiate sex they can feel quite vulnerable. In addition to physical pleasure, they want some emotional connection.”

Sexual politics has become a hot-button topic, with the advent of the #MeToo movement, and an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and violence towards women. The rise of social media has also seen an exponential rise in the availability of often violent porn, as well as the disturbing advent of the ‘incel’ — men who see themselves as ‘involuntarily celibate’, who express their desire in online chatrooms to punish women for their rejection. How does Hunter Murray see such issues as affecting the portrayal of male sexual desire?

“Women have experienced a lot of harm from men, whether through power or sexuality. But I am hearing a lot of men saying ‘that’s not my experience, that’s not how I want to be’. The men I interviewed were all in [heterosexual] relationships, while the incel is all about not having a girlfriend, so that’s a different subset of men.

“With a lot of the men I spoke to, they were aware of the idea of what men should be, this more traditionally masculine approach to sexuality — being in control, providing pleasure, not being the one who’s desirable or receiving sexual advances, being in the dominant position but what I’m hearing from men is that they question how many people that really fits.

“I’ve spoken to men who say ‘how can I refuse sex, isn’t that going to upset my partner?’ or ‘am I a real man if I don’t do this?’. It’s important to put it out there that the idea of what masculinity means can change over time and we can question what fits, what’s healthy and what no longer fits.

“A lot of the men I spoke to said they enjoyed their female partners initiating sex, when she expressed her desire and her attraction to him, when she flirted, when she touched him sexually or romantically. They said they enjoyed this egalitarian approach to sex rather than the pressure being on them to be the initiator.”

Hunter Murray’s research also found that while on a case-by-case basis, there may be men with higher sex drive than women, men are not statistically likelier to be the partner with a higher sex drive. She stresses the importance of men and women challenging sexual stereotypes and norms.

“Women have been brought up in a culture training them to be demure, or gatekeepers, but a lot of women have higher sex drives which they quash because their male partners haven’t as much of an interest — they feel they shouldn’t step into a dominant sexual role.”

While stereotypical attitudes may not reflect the real picture when it comes to sexual desire, Hunter Murray says that lifestyle factors can also affect men’s sex drive in a way that is not acknowledged.

“We’re aware of how motherhood, child-rearing and running a household can take a toll on a woman’s sexual desire. But we also need to take into account the changing role of the father in society,” says Hunter Murray. “In the past, the dad went to work and wasn’t as involved with his children as much, whereas now we see a lot more involvement for the most part and there are more stay-at-home dads. These are normal stresses and distractions but they can have an impact on men the same as women. Men also talk about wanting to support their family, and that’s also a pressure.”

Hunter Murray believes the link between men’s greater role in family life and their decreasing interest in sex is not reflected in research because much of it is based on university [student] samples.

Much of her research, she says, is reflected in her clinical practice as a relationship therapist, where she sees many men who, as they get older, panic that they are suffering dysfunction when in reality, what they are experiencing is normal.

“Men come in, in their midlife, concerned their sex drives are not as high. They have financial responsibilities, they’re taking care of kids, they’re not getting enough sleep, they have ageing parents. It’s about normalising such experiences — it makes sense that sex drive wouldn’t be as strong. But a man may jump to erectile dysfunction just because he’s not in the mood quite as often. That’s what made me want to write the book — it resonated not just in a research context but because quite a lot of men and women are struggling with these issues in their relationships.”

Ultimately, it is about connection and communication with our partners, says Hunter Murray.

“It takes our strongest version of ourselves to say ‘I want us to connect, I want to be close to you, I want sex to feel good’ — that’s a very vulnerable thing to do — ‘I care about you and am putting myself out there, do you care about me too?’.”

Men want to be desired

Hunter Murray found that in relation to levels of desire, about one-third of the time men have higher sex drives, one-third of the time women have higher sex drives, and the rest of the time it’s about even.

She also found that many men wanted to feel desired by their partners, to receive compliments, to be told they were sexy. “The more that happened the more validated they felt, and it wasn’t just sexual, they felt love and affection.”

Men in their late 30s and early 40s were the ones who identified being most aware of (and sometimes the most distressed about) their desire not being what it used to be.

Desire naturally changes and decreases over the course of a relationship. Companionate love, where our partner feels more like a companion and not our sexual partner, is normal and healthy.

One New Zealand study researching the female partners of men who took Viagra, found the women actually preferred the fact that their partners had softer erections as they aged, as they found Viagra-induced ‘rock-hard’ erections painful.

Murray Hunter’s research found that being sick was the main reason for men saying no to sex, with being tired in second place.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Vagina Bible

This feminist gynecologist wants you to know your body and fight the patriarchy

By Julia Belluz

With her new book, Jen Gunter aims to fight the myths that plague women.

Before the advent of C-sections, every human passed through one. But not everybody knows where it is.

The vagina.

Surveys have repeatedly shown that there’s a startling level of ignorance about female anatomy. Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN in the San Francisco Bay Area, is on a quest to change that.

On August 27, she’ll publish The Vagina Bible, an encyclopedic guide to vagina-related topics born of what Gunter is calling a “vagenda” to empower people with facts about their own bodies

The book builds on her eponymous blog, which became a viral sensation when she took on jade eggs for the vagina sold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop. The eggs were being marketed as devices “queens and concubines used … to stay in shape for emperors.” In an open letter to Paltrow, Gunter debunked the website’s claims and noted how sexist they were: “Nothing,” she wrote, “says female empowerment more than the only reason to do this is for your man.

Now officially Paltrow’s nemesis — the actress has subtweeted Gunter with Goop’s response to the doctor’s criticisms — Gunter says, “The basic tenet that I go by is that you can’t be an empowered patient with inaccurate information. It’s just not possible.”

Over the years, in Gunter’s blog posts and, more recently, columns in the New York Times, she’s set the record straight on myriad vagina-adjacent topics: vaginal steaming, abortion at or after 24 weeks, misinformation about the HPV vaccine, and best practices for pubic hair care.

Recently, I spoke to Gunter about the top vagina myths, the complex reasons women seek sex, and whether she’ll send Paltrow her book. Here’s our conversation, edited for length and clarity.

Julia Belluz

Can you tell me a little about your vagenda? By the way, I love that word.

Jen Gunter

Well, I don’t think I came up with it. It was around the [2016 US] election. There was all this misogynistic crap floating around everywhere. Some dude had written about Hillary Clinton, that she had a “vagenda of manocide.”

Julia Belluz

So you’re reappropriating it.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, I repurposed that. Manocide is really where we’re going here.

Julia Belluz

You’ve been writing about women’s health for a long time, but there’s finally a broad awareness on how policies around reproductive health have been written by men for women’s bodies. What’ll it take for that to change?

Jen Gunter

The patriarchy has to end. This system where men hold the power and women are largely excluded — it is toxic.

Julia Belluz

It seems like the big vagenda, the overarching theme in the book, is exposing all the ways the patriarchy obscures information about women’s bodies or leads to a failure to investigate basic things about women’s bodies. Also, how this often leaves women uninformed. Why are women out of the loop on their own bodies? What do you think are the cultural forces behind it?

Jen Gunter

There is so much misinformation, so if what you have been told has been riddled with half-truths and sometimes even lies, it is hard to know the facts. Western medicine has been linked with the patriarchy since the beginning. If you can’t dissect female cadavers, how can you know the anatomy?

Also, we speak with euphemisms to appease societal and religious mores. If you don’t use the words for female anatomy and normal function, then that imparts shame and can also lead to confusion.

Now we also have the “natural” fallacy gaining traction. Multiple influencers and even celebrities and some doctors advance the false notion that “your body knows” and “nature is best.” And if women look up vaginal garlic [yes, this is a thing] on a naturopath’s website and see it in Our Bodies, Ourselves, of course they will think it is a valid therapy when it is not.

I get that women have been ignored — that is why I am fighting for facts — but the answer isn’t magic and mystics. The answer is demanding that science do better, both with the bench and clinical research and communication.

Julia Belluz

Okay, so let’s start with the very basic facts. You begin the book by pointing to the difference between the vulva and vagina — largely because many people don’t even know what it is. Can you lay it out?

Jen Gunter

Oh, my gosh, that’s so common! The vulva is the external part, where your underwear touches your skin. The part on the inside — where you reach up to find a tampon or check an IUD string — is the vagina. The part where the two overlap is the vestibule.

Julia Belluz

And you made a very good case in the book for why the clitoris is so cool but also really underappreciated.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, it’s the only organ in the human body that exists only for pleasure. It has no other dual function. The penis is for peeing as well. Also for procreation. The clitoris is just there for the party.

Julia Belluz

That brings me to [a] common sex idea that you explain is not quite right: Penile penetration alone leads to orgasm through the G-spot, absent the clitoris. You cite MRI studies that have shown that even when people think it’s penetration [that leads to orgasm], it’s actually the clitoris.

Jen Gunter

This comes down to the fact that so many people don’t understand how large the clitoris is and how much of it is under the labia and wrapped around the urethra. So for some women, you’re going to get some part of your clitoris stimulated with penile penetration. And for some women, you won’t, and that’s okay. It’s not how you had an orgasm, it’s that you did have an orgasm. There’s this fixation that it has to come by way of penile thrusting.

When I started writing this book, every piece of information I thought I believed or everything that we as society believe about women’s bodies, I asked myself: How does this benefit the patriarchy? And if you think about this penile thrusting, well, that makes men feel like, “Oh, I’m the big man, I’ve brought your orgasm around with my mighty sword.” You can quote me on that.

How offensive is that to women who partner with women? Like, their sex is going to be less? Please.

Julia Belluz

Right. And you found two-thirds of women aren’t having orgasm from penetrative sex, and maybe they feel disappointed about that. And clearly, they shouldn’t.

Jen Gunter

Sex should be pleasure-oriented, not metric-oriented.

Julia Belluz

That’s the aphorism for our time.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, right. It’s not did you come with his penis? It’s did you have a good time and did you enjoy yourself?

We also often get fixated on orgasm being the money shot, that penile thrusting is causing this incredible orgasm. Instead, I love the new approach to the female sexual response that is this idea that women can come to sex for many reasons. They can come to sex to have an orgasm. They can come to sex to have physical closeness with their partner. They can come to sex to feel taken care of. They can come to sex for comfort. It’s not all about being horny.

Julia Belluz

Do you think the “sex recession” is real?

Jen Gunter

I have no idea if this is really a thing or not. I often wonder if people feel pressured to say that sex is the most important thing ever in their lives, and now many people are just being more honest and practical. Also, in a heterosexual relationship — how we have largely discussed sex until relatively recently — women were just supposed to say yes, and, if things sucked, just count ceiling tiles. I hope this is changing.

We have been led to believe, [because of] the pressures of a largely patriarchal society, that sex is the one true goal, and we use sex to sell almost everything, so that just reinforces that belief. Good sex is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But life is a lot of things.

Julia Belluz

What message do you have for men who partner with women?

Jen Gunter

I would say stop asking your female partner if she came. It’s not ticking a box. Ask, instead, what feels good for you now? What can I do for you now? What do you like? Are you having fun? Is this good? Open-minded communication. Think of it as making dinner with someone, not serving them the meal and saying, well, I hope you like that.

Julia Belluz

Would you give the same kind of advice to women who partner with women or couples with a trans partner?

Jen Gunter

I hear horrible things that women who partner with men are told by their male partners about their intimate places — such as there “can’t be any blood” or “you stink” or “why don’t you shave all your pubic hair.” I have seen women break down because they have irregular spotting on every method of birth control and “he won’t wear condoms” and “thinks blood is gross” yet expects regular sex on his schedule. The things some men tell women about their normal bodies enrage me. I struggle to think of a woman who partners with women who has come to see me because of the shame her partner had made her feel about her body or who has had a partner say vile things about her body. That is a glaring difference I have seen that sticks with me.

Julia Belluz

What, if any, conversations have you had with trans women and trans men who may still carry children?

Jen Gunter

I see trans men who have vaginal irritation, pain with sexual activity, and pelvic pain or pain with sex. Many of these patients get their care in the trans health clinic and so already have an IUD for contraception. Since I no longer insert IUDs or Implanon [a contraception implant], I wouldn’t have an in-depth discussion about these methods with any patient unless specifically asked. I would have a brief discussion about contraception with a trans patient if they are at risk of pregnancy partner-wise and not using contraception, as I would with any patient.

Julia Belluz

What have you learned about sexual health from this community?

Jen Gunter

I think the biggest takeaway I have from seeing trans patients is how hard it can be for so many to access care — either due to services not available locally, prejudice, finances, or all three — and how many different people they have to see to have their symptoms taken seriously. I hear this from many patients, but sadly, there seem to be even more barriers for trans patients, and we must work to end that.

Julia Belluz

One other theme that permeates the book, as well as a lot of your other writing and your copious word spills on Gwyneth Paltrow, is this idea that there are too many people out there trying to sell people stuff for their vaginas that they don’t need.

Jen Gunter

Oh, my god, yes. My goal is to put everybody who sells feminine hygiene bullshit out of business. When I say feminine hygiene stuff, I don’t mean menstrual products. I hate calling menstrual products feminine hygiene. They’re menstrual products!

Julia Belluz

Are you going to send the book to Gwyneth Paltrow?

Jen Gunter

No, no, I wouldn’t.

Julia Belluz

I think she needs it.

Jen Gunter

Of course she does. But it wouldn’t sit with her desire to profit off telling people that they need liver detoxes and [jade eggs for the vagina].

Julia Belluz

There’s also so much talk of natural birth control methods, IUDs, and other moves away from the Pill. What do you see shifting in the way people take control of their sexual health?

Jen Gunter

I see a lot of conversations here, and unfortunately, many are based on misinformation and fear. I am firmly for reproductive choices, but scaring people about contraception is gaining traction, and fear is not part of informed consent. So we are seeing the radical right and radical left (nature-knows-best types) joining forces. I think people should have solid facts so they can weigh their personal risk-benefit ratio and go from there. I think it is very important for people to consider what will happen if they have a method failure — how important is it to not be pregnant? Do they have access to full reproductive health if they have an unplanned pregnancy? How will they feel if they have an unintended pregnancy?

Julia Belluz

You got the HPV vaccine recently, according to Twitter. This may have been surprising to some because you are in your early 50s, and in the past, the recommendation has been that the HPV vaccine is only for girls and women up to the age of 26. But there’s this new broadening of the age range for people who should get the shots. Can you explain?

Jen Gunter

Gardasil 9, which is the one that protects against nine strains of HPV — seven high-risk and the two that cause genital warts — is now approved from ages 9 to 45. If you’re going to vaccinate people, you want to catch the people that you’re more likely to help. The younger you are, the less likely you are to have had HPV. The younger you can get people, the more likely you can protect them from all nine strains. As we age and have sexual partners, we’re more likely to be exposed to different strains of HPV. But the chance that you’re going to be exposed to all of them is low.

So I figured that since I’m dating again, and I personally have never had a positive HPV test, and I have no history of having had an abnormal Pap smear or HPV, I thought, well, I’m in a pretty good category then. The chance that I’ve had all nine strains of HPV is probably low. So I just thought, why not get the shot to protect myself from any of the additional strains?

Julia Belluz

Are there other things that you wish more women did to keep their vaginas happy and healthy — and their vulvas and vestibules too?

Jen Gunter

Well, I wish HPV shots for all my friends. I wish that nobody smoked. That’s a very bad thing. People think about lung cancer and smoking. People don’t think about cardiovascular disease from smoking. It’s also very deleterious for the good bacteria in your vagina. And people who smoke have a higher risk of having HPV-related diseases like cervical cancer, so it’s a co-factor in HPV becoming more aggressive. Not smoking, that would be a wonderful thing.

Condoms. You know, there is a little bit of a drop in condom use, and that is probably due to the increasing use of the IUD. That doesn’t mean that people are having risky sex — they’re actually not. But if you’re switching from a method of barrier protection to a method of non-barrier protection, then you’ll have an increased risk of exposure.

Julia Belluz

Great advice.

Jen Gunter

I wish everybody could talk about the genital tract in the same way we talk about the elbow or the foot. It’s just a body part.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Kink-Shaming?

(And Why You Should Avoid Doing It)

By Alex Manley

How Kink-Shaming Can Keep People From Feeling Sexually Liberated

You’re hooking up with someone for the first time — or the second, the tenth or the hundredth — and you think you know what to expect, but then they ask if you can try something new. 

Immediately, you’re a little cautious. What if it’s weird? They blush a little bit. “Well, you see, I’ve always wanted to try this thing … but it’s a little kinky…” You gulp as they lean in and whisper the secret desire into your ear. You want to make them happy because you’re not a jerk, but this fetish is way out there, and not at all something you’re used to.

“Gross,” you say. “You’re really into that?” Your hookup buddy looks embarrassed. “Never mind,” they say, grabbing their clothes from the floor. “I should probably get going

What just happened? Well, there’s a name for it: kink-shaming. And even if you don’t think you’re doing it, you probably are.

What Is Kink-Shaming?

“This girl I met on Tinder told me she wanted to try this thing called ‘caking’ — spreading cake batter all over your naked self. I was like, ‘Hmmmm, no.’ Very unsanitary, and I don’t like wasting food.” – Miguel, 28

Kink-shaming is basically exactly that —shaming someone for their sexual desires when they don’t line up with what you think is normal.

“Kink-shaming is when you embarrass someone for their sexual preferences and believe something is wrong with them because of their sexual interests,” says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist based in Hawaii.

This could be about a fetish, a kink, a preference, a history of certain behaviors, or even just an openness or willingness to try something that the other person considers unconventional.

“I would define kink-shaming as the negative judgment and criticism of all sexual contact that isn’t considered vanilla or ‘mainstream,’” says Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness.

Brito notes that some common targets of kink-shaming include “fetishes that are uncommon, such as titillagnia (arousal to tickling other people) or urophilia (arousal to urine or urinating on others), dressing up as a furry or a desire to be choked or spanked.”

However, there are some that are gender-focused — men, for instance, often kink-shame “their girlfriend’s/wife’s interest in group sex, public sex, threesomes, double penetration, having a rape fantasy, masochist or sadist interestsl,” notes Brito. Or when talking to other men, they might be judgmental toward things like “same-sex attraction, same-sex fantasies, autogynephilia, men attracted to transwomen or non-binary folks.”

This kind of thing can play out in all different ways. It could be as simple as making fun of your friend for a hookup story with an unexpected detail in it, or it could be your long-term significant other trying to make you feel dirty for asking for something new in bed.

While it might not be coming from a place of hurtfulness — it’s as often a sense of surprise or shock rather than outright cruelty — it can still be incredibly demeaning.

How Does Kink-Shaming Negatively Impact People?

“I had a man recoil and tell me he ‘doesn’t do that weird sh*t’ when I placed his hand closer to my neck. It made me feel super uncomfortable for the rest of that interaction.” – Maria, 29

“Kink-shaming really only serves to make people live in silence and fear of judgment,” says Caraballo. “It creates negative internal emotional consequences, leaving the receiver to question the validity of their own desires. This could exacerbate any lingering questions of self-worth, depression or anxiety that the receiver already has about their sexuality and identity. It can negatively impact their ability to have and enjoy sex, and might kill desire altogether.”

It can also have a serious impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being, ultimately causing psychological harm in the end.

“They may feel invalidated, dismissed, misunderstood,” says Brito. “It can negatively impact their relationship with their significant other, cause someone to withhold information or hide their kink from them. [And] at its worst, kink shaming can be used as a weapon against someone, and can cause someone to lose their job or their family.”

That might sound extreme, but instances of people’s sex lives becoming public knowledge are often weaponized against them in some form; the belief that a certain non-conformist sexual interest is unacceptable or somehow indicative of a person’s core moral character lives on in popular thought.

As a result, it’s worth thinking about how kink-shaming functions on a greater societal level, rather than just instances of one person shaming another. When we normalize kink-shaming and general sex-negative attitudes, people grow up feeling ashamed of desires they cannot control.

How Can You Stop Kink-Shaming?

“When I was in my teens (and probably even into my early 20s), I thought it was really funny to make fun of furries. But at some point, I realized that I was belittling people for sexual desire that I didn’t understand, even though it was being practiced by consenting adults. There was no real justification for it other than that it felt good in a shallow, sh*tty way to mock outsiders and people who don’t conform. I never tried to shame anyone directly, but I definitely carried that prejudice for many years.” – Ian, 30

Considering the widespread societal consequences of kink-shaming attitudes, and the seriously negative consequences it can have on a person’s wellbeing, it’s worth considering how we can move away from kink-shaming in general.

To that end, sex education — not just about the physical ins and outs of sex, but how desire works — can be a huge factor.

“I think that education is the biggest way to combat kink-shame,” says Caraballo. “There are a lot of misconceptions about why people enjoy kink (or certain forms of kink) and getting exposure to accurate information helps combat negative, internalized puritanical views about sex and kink.”

Brito agrees that education is important, but notes that there are lots of ways we can help shift our culture away from its current kink-shaming state.

She suggests “being willing to learn more about the diversity of human sexuality by being exposed to more sex-positive messages, by de-stigmatizing sex and knowing how to distinguish the difference between a sexual fantasy and reality, [and] by speaking up when someone is shaming someone’s kink.”

Brito also notes that some of the most common kink-shaming occurs within the self, meaning people shaming themselves for their own desires. If you struggle with that kind of thing, it’s worth putting in the effort to shift gears “by practicing self-acceptance, since working on embracing one’s interests is the first step toward accepting others.”

Finally, she adds, you can make a difference “by embracing the notion that everyone is different, and that having unique or non-traditional sexual interests does not mean something is wrong with you.”

Experiencing sexual desire is normal, and what exactly turns you on is often largely out of your control. Until you recognize that your desires alone don’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it’ll likely be a struggle for you to genuinely accept yourself and your sexuality.

But if you commit yourself to working through these issues — with a partner, perhaps, or in therapy — it’s absolutely possible to arrive at a healthier, more confident place where your own comfort with your sexual desires means you’re not looking to ridicule, diminish or shame others for theirs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Most Common Open Relationship Rules

And How to Set Yours

We’ve been inundated with the concept of “the one” throughout our lives. But what if “the one” is really more like a great entrée with some side dishes? Although we’re led to believe that monogamy is the gold standard of relationships, sociologist Dr. Elisabeth “Eli” Sheff says that “polyagomy is far more common across cultures and societies and history than monogamy.”

In fact, thanks in part to the internet and dating apps, open relationships are seemingly on the rise (or perhaps more people feel comfortable openly acknowledging them). According to a 2016 study, one in five Americans has been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point. Plus, age, race, political affiliations and socio-economic status doesn’t seem to affect the likelihood of someone entering an open relationship. However, people who identified as gay, lesbian or bisexual were slightly more likely to have experienced non-monogamy.

As we all know, relationships are work. And when you add in more parties, it gets decidedly more complicated, and you might discover that sometimes more isn’t merrier. So if you’re considering starting an open relationship, you’ll need to weigh your wants and needs, consider your partner’s and establish some guidelines beforehand. But first things first…

What exactly is an open relationship?

“Open relationships fall under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamous relationships and generally, but not always, tend to focus on sexual activities over emotional with other partners,“ explains clinical psychologist Dr. Catalina Lawsin. “Under this larger umbrella there are many types of consensual non-monogamous relationships, some of which include: polyamory (where partners support one another having both emotional and sexual relationships with other partners with the understanding that love can take many forms and individuals can love more than one person at a time), monogamish (similar to open, but restricted only to sexual activity with other partners), swinging (exploring sexual activities together at social events and meetups with other couples), and relationship anarchy (there are no set rules but instead the relationship is flexible to the needs of each partner).”

She also emphasizes that open relationships are not like affairs, a common misconception. “It’s quite the opposite,” she says. “The core ingredient of an affair is the secrecy of it. In open relationships partners are open in their sexual activity with others and supportive of it.”

Is an open relationship right for you and your partner?

First, for an open relationship to work, both partners need to enter it willingly, not begrudgingly. If a person acquiesces to an open relationship, perhaps out of fear of losing their partner, it’s “a disaster because open relationships are challenging, even if everyone wants to be in them. Relationships in general are challenging. If it’s a non-monogamous relationship, and someone has been pressured or bullied into it, or has given in because they feel the person will leave them if they don’t, then that builds up resentment,” Dr. Sheff says,author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families. “And then when something happens, [for example] someone accidentally gets pregnant, someone gets a sexually transmitted infection, then that just blows up.”

Also, it’s not a strategy to fix turbulent relationships, Dr. Lawsin cautions. “On the contrary, consensual non-monogamous relationships rely on trust and require a healthy stable relationship that is mutually supportive to succeed. All relationships require negotiation, and bringing in additional partners to a relationship often requires more negotiation, communication and planning.”

To start, figure out why you want an open relationship. “People should think deeply about their motivations,” says Dr. Sheff. Do you want multiple partners, but recoil at the thought of your partner being with other people? Are you simply looking for an excuse to hook up with other people? Or a way not to fully commit? “It’s not reasonable to expect a partner to be sexually exclusive with you, while you have sex with anybody that you want,” she adds. “Sometimes couples can work out a poly-mono relationship, but in my experience, as a relationship coach and in my research, I have seen that that hardly ever works…Usually people who want a monogamous relationship want their partners to be monogamous with them.” So make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

Next, consider how well you communicate and handle conflict as a couple, which are key ingredients for relationship success, especially in non-monogamous ones. “Because conflict will inevitably arise in any relationship. And if you add additional people into it, the potential for conflict dramatically increases,” Dr. Sheff says. “So if people don’t know how to handle conflict and then they enter a potentially incredibly sticky situation like non-monogamy, that could definitely blow up in their faces.”

Psychotherapist Dr. Kristie Overstreet also suggests working with a certified sex therapist if you need help navigating the possibility of an open relationship. And if your gut is saying “yes yes yes” or “oh God, no no no,” listen to it.
What type of open relationship works for you?

The type of relationship that’s best for you and your partner really depends on what you’re seeking. Dr. Overstreet says that “both partners in the couple need to decide if they are open to emotional, physical or both aspects for an open relationship.”

Dr. Sheff breaks it down like this: “Are you both wanting sexual variety with no strings attached? Then swinging is good for that. Are you wanting more emotional intimacy? Then polyamory is better for that. Do you want no rules and for each relationship to be taken on its own individual independence? Then consider relationship anarchy.”

People who practice relationship anarchy choose to be together out of desire rather than obligation, Dr. Sheff explains. “They are not necessarily on this ‘relationship escalator,’ where there’s one way to have a relationship with increasing exclusivity and commitment until you’re married, with sex only happening with that one partner. Relationship anarchists are not down with that at all.”

The rules of an open relationship

While no two relationships are alike, there are some general guidelines to consider when trying to establish a healthy open relationship. Dr. Lawsin offers the following checklist, adding that any rules or boundaries should be discussed, negotiated and reassessed occasionally throughout the relationship and adjusted as needed.

1. Negotiate your sexual boundaries

Boundaries regarding sex should be explicitly negotiated, such as how often sex can occur (e.g., weekly, monthly, etc.), with how many partners at a time, where (e.g., on business trips) and whatever additional physical or logistical (e.g., time) dimensions a couple wishes to define in their relationship. This includes the type of sex as well. For example, is penetrative sex OK or just oral? What about BDSM? Also, do you prefer your partner to only have sex with strangers who they will never see again or rather with someone you already know and trust. Yes, it might get weirdly specific, but you’ll want to figure this stuff out before you open the flood gates.

2. Define your emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries can be harder to define and set, but they should definitely be discussed, with each partner being honest about what they can manage for themselves and their partner.

3. Safe sex is a must

When you transition your relationship from exclusive to open, you might be super excited to get started with your new ventures, but don’t let all those safe sex practices fly out the window. Discuss with your partner what you’re both comfortable with and how you’ll actually practice safe sex IRL.

4. Be honest

Open relationships relinquish partners from needing to hide or suppress their sexual needs, therefore honesty about what they’re doing should be maintained. Couples need to specify how many details the other wants to know (if any at all) as well as how often. This should be reassessed as needed (and this also applies to #3).

5. Schedule check-ins with your partner

Transparency about how each partner is feeling about the other’s sexual pursuits should also be negotiated and checked on. Partners can make assumptions in any type of relationship, so it’s important to have check-ins with one another to provide a safe space to process emotions, make any adjustments to negotiated boundaries and assess the health of the primary relationship.

6. Don’t forget your about your relationship

Schedule time and space to nurture the relationship and make sure to maintain this. Date nights, trips away and expressing love need to be prioritized to maintain the relationship foundation. Dr. Sheff agrees, saying that it’s easy for one partner to get distracted with a shiny new, exciting relationship and forget to pay attention to the longer-term relationship. “Don’t just save all the fun juju for the new relationship,” she adds.

What about jealousy?

You’re gonna get jealous. It’s inevitable. So, Dr. Sheff says, people “should anticipate it and start building skills around dealing with it before they even engage in open relationships.” And if you do get jealous that doesn’t mean you have to give up on the idea of an open relationship altogether. Rather, you need to face the jealousy head on and figure out why you feel that way, perhaps because you’re feeling insecure or threatened by your partner’s new relationship. Dr. Sheff says that this is a good time for your partner to reassure you (or for you to validate your partner) by saying, “I love you. It’s OK. I’m not leaving you and here are all the reasons why I love you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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We asked a sex educator every question you probably have about spanking

By Tiffany Curtis

While the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy might be the most mainstream (and, honestly, lackluster) depiction of sensual spanking we’ve seen in recent years, the act of receiving or giving some good ol’ ass slaps isn’t new.

Erotic or sensual spanking is a method of impact play. If you’re unfamiliar with the term “impact play,” it is defined by Kinkly.com as “a sexual practice where one person is struck by another person for the sexual gratification of either or both parties.” While spanking, which can vary in its levels of intensity, and other forms of impact play are often a part of BDSM, you don’t have to be a part of the lifestyle or identify as kinky in order to master and enjoy the act.

Despite the fact that many people enjoy erotic spanking (24% of Americans, according to this study), the topic remains somewhat taboo and bogged down by misinformation. “Most media representations of kink, BDSM, and spanking involve persons who are psychologically troubled or have experienced abuse,” said Candice Smith, co-founder of The KinkKit, when the reality is plenty of people who were never victims of abuse or trauma choose to practice BDSM.

Again, it’s important to note that you don’t have to self-identify as kinky in order to experience the pleasure or potential benefits of safe and consensual spanking, or other forms of impact play, but those who practice elements of BDSM experience higher levels of life satisfaction, lower anxiety, and more communicative relationships, according to a 2013 study conducted by the International Society for Sexual Medicine—just in case you needed reassurance that spanking is a normal and healthy sex act.

Maybe you’ve wanted to ask for a good spanking, but you aren’t sure how to initiate the conversation with a partner? Or maybe you’re already a spanking pro, and you’re wondering how to level up beyond just being taken across someone’s knee?

That’s why we reached out to Dirty Lola, sex edutainer and host of Sex Ed A Go Go. She recently collaborated with The KinkKit on a sensual spanking skills kit for adults, and she spoke to us about the ins and outs of spanking.

HG: For anyone who might be new to the term “sensual spanking,” what is it?

Dirty Lola: Sensual spanking is spanking with the intent to give pleasure. It should be consensual, mindful, and focus on the connection between partners. In this case, sensual should not be confused for gentle. While sensual spanking may start off with light smacks, it can most definitely move into harder, firmer blows. It all depends on the needs and desires of the person being spanked, aka the bottom.

HG: What do you think makes this particular kind of impact play pleasurable for folks?

DL: I think sensual spanking is a popular form of impact play because it’s so accessible. You don’t need special furniture or implements to start exploring sensual spanking. While those things can definitely take your spanking game to another level, if you’re just starting out, all you need are your hands, a willing bottom, and a little know-how.

HG: How can someone who wants to try sensual spanking bring up the conversation with their partner(s)?

DL: I’m a big fan of making time to chat with my partners about sex things when we aren’t having sex. For instance, the next time you’re hanging out on the couch with your boo, you could mention that you read a great article on sensual spanking that piqued your curiosity. This will definitely open up a dialogue about trying out new things.

HG: What things need to be in place before incorporating spanking into your sex sessions?

DL: Before you begin to incorporate spanking into your sex sessions, you should definitely know how to safely administer a spanking so you reduce the chances of harming your partner. You should also know what sensations your partner likes and what level of pain they would like to receive. Most importantly, you should have a safe word in place or use the stoplight method (Green = more / harder, Yellow = keep the same pace, Red = stop) in order to ensure an open line of communication with your partner and fewer misunderstandings.

HG: While the over-the-knee position is pretty common, what are some other positions that can make getting spanked, or doing the spanking, more fun?

DL: Have your bottom stand and bend over and hold on to their ankles, a low table, or a stool. This position is great because it really showcases the butt and exposes more of the upper thighs. If you want to experiment with a standing position but your bottom needs more upper-body support, then you can have them stand at the end of the bed and lay their upper body across the bed while keeping their feet flat on the floor. This position can also be achieved by leaning over the arm of a couch. If your bottom enjoys the sensation of their entire body being supported while receiving spanks you can try spanking them while they are on their knees on a bed or couch with their chests flat against the surface and their asses in the air. Both of these positions allow the person doing the spanking, aka the top, to easily move around and change angles during the session.

HG: Where on the body, should we be spanking/getting spanked?

DL: The main area of concentration during a spanking is the convex buttocks, or as I like to fondly refer to them, Booty Meats. The Booty Meats are the lower, fleshier portion of the butt. All of that fleshy goodness is what makes it the prime target during a spanking. However, you can also spank the sides of the butt (stay away from the hips), as well as those delightful creases between the thighs and butt as well as the upper thighs. These areas should receive fewer swats because the skin in those areas is more delicate and prone to bruising. Of course, if that is your thing, then proceed accordingly. You should avoid spanking near or around the tailbone completely. You especially want to avoid spanking anywhere around the lower back, as heavy blows can cause kidney damage.

HG: Is a partner necessary in order to experience spanking?

DL: You don’t need a partner in order to enjoy the fun of spanking. You will, however, need long arms or implements with long handles in order to be your own bottom and enjoy a bit of self-flagellation. Positioning is also key when spanking yourself. Standing and leaning over the arm of a couch or a stool or a high chair will position you in such a way that your butt is sticking out giving you more access.

HG: What are some of your favorite spanking techniques/tools?

DL: I love giving and receiving spanks with bare hands. There is something special about feeling the heat of skin-to-skin contact during spanking sessions. Hands also have the ability to squeeze, rub, tickle, and pinch. All things you can add into your spankings to heighten sensation. If I am using an implement or having an implement used on me, I prefer a small, sturdy paddle. Small paddles make it easier to dole out harder blows while using less energy. I also love having something soft to run across the skin post-spanking, like a feather or a silky piece of fabric, to change up the sensation during a long spanking session.

HG: What kind of aftercare should be taking place after a spanking session?

DL: Some examples of post-spanking aftercare are cuddles, gentle touches, words of affirmation, massages (butt and hand), and, of course, verbally checking in with one another. Yes, tops need aftercare, too. It’s also a good idea for everyone to hydrate post-spanking. If the spanking resulted in bruises, you can add a bruise reducer to your aftercare ritual.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best Lazy Sex Positions

When you want to get it on—but don’t want to do any heavy lifting.

By Gabrielle Kassel

High-energy sex can be thrilling and fulfilling. But sometimes you crave the kind of slow-mo, leisurely action that requires minimal effort—yet offers maximum pleasure. That’s where these lazy sex positions come in. Recommended by sex experts, they’re perfect for when you’re too tired or chill to work up much of a sweat…but you’re in the mood for orgasms.

“Lower-effort sex positions are a great way to stay connected with your partner when work, kids, and life sap your energy,” Sadie Allison, founder of online sex toy boutique Ticklekitty.com and a sexologist who holds a doctorate in human sexuality, tells Health. Here, 6 expert-backed positions that’ll make you O even when you need zzz’s.

Chill missionary

Missionary is like the vanilla ice cream of sex positions. But that’s exactly why it hits the spot when you’re not up for acrobatic action. Lie back, have your partner enter you, and let them do the rest. Instead of hiking your legs up to your shoulders or stretching your arms overhead (and getting muscle cramps in the process), keep your limbs wherever they feel most comfortable.

This undemanding move is perfect for when you just want to enjoy the way it feels to have your partner move inside you. You also connect emotionally thanks to the eye contact, kissing, and touching missionary allows for, Lisa Finn, a sex educator at sex toy emporium Babeland, tells Health.

Sleepy spoons

Great for when you’re both feeling lazy yet turned on, this position allows you to snuggle while you have sex. Lie on your side with your partner curved behind you, touching their front to your back. They can reach around and put their hands on your shoulders or belly, then slide into you from behind and thrust in long, leisurely strokes.

Since your bodies are so close together, your partner can easily move their hands to your nipples or clitoris for extra stimulation, says Finn. And you can guide them to use the speed and intensity you like by placing your hand over theirs as they touch you.

Two lazy dogs

This doggy-style variation has you lying flat on your stomach, with your partner spread out against your back on top of you. “They can keep their arms extended in a push-up position or rest on their elbows, whichever is most comfortable,” says Finn.

While your partner takes charge of the speed and pacing, you can zone out and simply focus on the pleasure you feel and let them know when something feels extra amazing and you want more of it. Or give them a break and have your partner stay still while you move your hips in circles, stimulating them.

Comfy cunnilingus

This one is super simple: While you’re reclining on the bed or floor, spread your legs comfortably and have your partner give you oral sex. While they do the work, you can drift off into dreamland or give them direction, putting your hands on their head to steer them to the right angle. (Remember, lazy isn’t synonymous with non-communicative.) Prefer to lie on your belly? Have them perform cunnilingus from behind.

If your clitoris is very sensitive and can’t always handle all the pleasurable sensations of receiving oral, Allison suggests leaning against a headboard or a stack of pillows. “If you’re sitting up, your partner’s tongue will come down on top of your clitoral hood, which may help dull some of the sensation,” she explains.

Bathtub boning

“You don’t have to be in bed to have comfortable, lazy sex,” says Allison. That brings us to this second most leisurely place in the house: the bathtub, especially when it’s filled with steamy water.

After you’ve drawn the water, ask your partner get in first and lie back, then recline against their chest facing away. Have them play with your breasts and clitoris with their hands, then prop yourself up a bit so they can enter you, and enjoy reverse cowgirl at a slow, easy pace. If the bath revives your energy, kick up the pace a notch and hold on to the edge of the tub while your partner thrusts faster and harder.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Be an Ethical Hookup Partner

Because hooking up doesn’t have to be devoid of feelings.

By Yana Tallon-Hicks

“Hookup culture,” especially as it plays out on college campuses, is a much-discussed topic. Often, hooking up is studied and speculated about like it’s some kind of sexual epidemic, or at the very least, the outcast of sexual intimacy: Is it increasing or decreasing? Perpetuated by dating apps? Gendered? Dangerous? Sure, hookup culture and the many ways we have and experience sex is worth studying and having opinions about, but it can’t be that all hookups are bad or blah.

Despite the often-negative press, hookups, or, short term sexual/intimate encounters, like one-night stands, summer flings, and semester-long friends-with-benefits relationships, can come with a lot of descriptors: “casual,” “fun,” “random,” and “spontaneous” can be some, but can they also be ethical, considerate, and satisfying? We think yes!

Determining whether or not something is officially ethical can be confusing work, as ethics tend to rely both on our individual values and also what society deems ethical — which might not always align. Get your conservative, married-for-50-years grandfather and your liberal, nonmonogamous LGBTQ+ friends at the same dinner table and ask what makes for an “ethical sexual encounter” and you’ll likely get very different responses from each of them (and if anyone ever does do this, please let me know how it goes).

Regardless of what your hookup entails (making out, oral sex, penetrative sex_ or whether you met via a dating app, a party, or a chance meeting with a beautiful stranger — hookups tend to be understood as uniquely separate from a relationship in that they are typically described as being casual or short term and require minimal official commitment between the people involved. For some, the very short-term nature of a hookup can feel unethical (and that’s a totally fine opinion to have as long as we’re not judging others’ choices!), but for others, short-term intimate encounters are exactly what they want. The reality is, we’re certainly not creating more happy hookup experiences by immediately throwing out the possibility of hookups being conscientious, respectful, and downright ethical just because they’re only happening once, sporadically, or when the mood strikes.

So how do you make sure your hookup is ethical?

As a resident sex educator for a youth collective of 16- to 19-year-olds, I had the great opportunity to sit down with a group of the collective’s youth leaders to talk about what they wanted to communicate to their peers about the components of an ethical hookup. Here’s the advice we came up with to help you make your hookup as ethical as possible.

Know and share your STI status.

Being aware of the state of your personal sexual health and sharing it openly and without shame is a key part of making sure our partners and ourselves are informed participants in our hookup. The general rule of thumb is to get a new STI test at least every six months if you’re sexually active with more than one person, or anytime you have a new sexual partner. Empower yourself by knowing that you can set the tone for this “status talk,” so practice speaking confidently and nonjudgmentally about your status and your partner will likely follow suit.

In addition to sharing your status, you should also know and share how to prevent the transmission of STIs via various safer-sex practices. And when it comes to hooking up, it’s always a good idea to have those safer-sex supplies on hand! This HRC Safer Sex Guide (available in both English and Spanish) can help connect the dots between levels of risk, certain sex acts, and which safer-sex practices to put in place.

Consider others’ feelings.

Despite common portrayals, a hookup doesn’t need to be completely devoid of feelings to be considered successful, and not all people experience short-term sexual encounters as emotionless. You can absolutely enthusiastically agree to a hot roll in the one-day hay and be kind, check in about your hookup partner’s feelings the next day, and still maintain casualness. A simple text of appreciation or a “How are you?” can go a long way; as long as you’re clear about intentions, feelings don’t need to get hurt or ignored.

Know and be clear about your intentions.

Intentions are just that — what we set out to do, on purpose, with the knowledge that what we intend might not pan out. If you know that you’re only available for a summer fling but lead your partner on into thinking you want to continue your short-term relationship indefinitely, that’s not ethical because you’re creating a connection based on false pretenses.

Despite our intentions, things can change, feelings can get caught, and our best-laid plans can shift, and that’s okay. But if we have specific intentions from the get-go and aren’t communicating them, then our partners can’t make their own choices about how they would like to interact with us, their own feelings, and their own boundaries. Knowledge is power — don’t strip your partner of theirs by withholding intent.

Respect your own boundaries.

Intentions and ethics start with you. Just like communicating your intentions to your partner gives them power, checking in with your moral compass, your sexual desires and limits, and your hopes for your own intimate interactions gives it to you. Hookups can really get us caught up in a moment, so be prepared for a casual connection by thinking about some of these elements ahead of time. How do I want and like to be touched? What do I want out of a hookup? What do I not want? Scarleteen.com’s sexual inventory checklist, Yes, No, Maybe So, can be a helpful piece of hookup homework to do on your own, in advance.

Respect your partner and their boundaries.

Yes, a fling can be casual and maybe even happen quickly, but always make sure to make time to ask your partner directly about their own yeses, nos, and maybe-sos. Not only does this ensure that we’re respecting our partners and practicing consent, but this also drastically increases our chances of having a mutually pleasurable experience.

If a hookup is indeed temporary, why waste your time guessing at what your partner might want rather than simply asking them directly? And when they give you an answer, you should listen to it. Asking our partner about their desires is consensual, ethical, and just plain economical.

No shame in your own game and no slut-shaming.

Create more emotional, relational, and sexual safety in your hookups by maintaining mutual respect for your and your partner’s particular desires, wants, yucks, and yums — including wherever you and your partner might fall on the spectrum of sexual experience.

Being fearful to express what it is that turns you on or shaming your partner for what tickles their intimate fancy is a terrible way to explore a mutually satisfying hookup. Sexuality is a very wide world, so it’s impossible that you’ll both be totally into every single thing the other person is into, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as everything is consensual. Instead, focus on where your desires overlap and remember that you can enthusiastically consent to trying something new because consent means you can change your mind at any time if the new thing just isn’t for you.

Honor consent and seek it actively and in an ongoing manner.

Consent starts with asking for explicit permission before your intimate interaction begins, making sure that each party involved is fully informed about and understands what they’re saying yes, no, or maybe to. Make sure your consent practice doesn’t end there, though!

Active, ongoing consent continues through your intimate interaction and for the duration of your hookup relationship, no matter how long it lasts. During your hookup, ask questions like “Is this still okay?” “Do you like what we’re doing or should we switch it up?” and never assume that just because you hooked up once that your partner (or you!) wants to hook up again, or do the same things you did last time. Keep asking questions and don’t be worried about asking too many. It’s better to spend more time asking questions and less time feeling regret or remorse.

Practice makes perfect.

Feeling awkward is one of the main reasons high school and college students tell me they don’t utilize consent skills and safer-sex supplies. Though putting a condom on a banana is one of the most tired classroom sex-ed tricks in the book, getting your hands on things like condoms, dental dams, gloves, lube, and knowing how to use them properly before you find yourself in a hookup situation will make using these tools more seamless (and less awkward-seeming) in the moment.

Masturbating using condoms, gloves, and/or lube to get familiar with the sensation can be a fun way to practice. You can visit your local Planned Parenthood to get accurate information about birth control and risk-management options (even if you don’t plan on needing them anytime soon), which can help bust myths and let you know the resources available to you. Better yet — make it an educational outing with a few friends, complete with going out for ice cream afterward — because why not?

Check in regularly.

Though the general lack of commitment can be part of what makes hooking up appealing to folks, it’s always a good idea to check in every now and then about whether or not keeping it casual is still what you want to do. Checking in with ourselves about our own wants and needs and communicating them clearly also makes sure that we’re keeping tabs on our own priorities, too, and makes sure that we’re remembering to stay clear about our intentions.

Ask for info on pronouns, body parts, no-zones, and triggers.

Even if our sexual interactions are short-term, hooking up is still a vulnerable place to be. All of our partners deserve respect and to feel safe and valued. Nothing will ruin a hookup faster than crossing a boundary (even if accidentally), so make sure to ask where and how your partner likes to be touched, the words they use to talk about them and their bodies, and where they absolutely do not want to go with you whether that’s right now or ever.

Pro tip: Remember that someone saying “no” or “not there” to you isn’t something that you should take personally. Rather, a no can be valuable information your partner is sharing with you about themselves so that you can get to know them better. This perspective can make the “nos” easier to hear while keeping our egos in check.

Respect the gender and sexuality identities of your partners and support their ongoing journey.

Gender, sexuality, and identity is fluid and, especially between teenagehood and adulthood, can change and shift a lot. If a partner tells you about how they identify, believe them, respect them, use the language they ask you to use, and adapt if what’s true for them changes.

Your sureness about your own gender and sexuality doesn’t need to get rattled just because your partners’ identities shift — we promise.

Don’t stir drama.

A truly ethical hookup doesn’t kiss and Snap. While getting support from or excitedly dishing to your friends about hookups can be a totally healthy part of the experience, spreading rumors, sharing information, or even dropping hints that violate your partner’s privacy, consent, or are intended to hurt them or someone else is not. Know the difference, ask your partner before sharing their personal information, and absolutely keep their sexts to yourself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The biggest reason older women have less (enjoyable) sex

Just 22.5% of women over 50 surveyed were sexually active

by

Women are more likely than men to be affected by age-related sex issues — challenges like hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness.

Now, a new study by the North American Menopause Society reveals a major reason for women having less sex as they age: the lack of a partner, most often because of widowhood.

In fact, just 22.5% of postmenopausal women surveyed were sexually active. And of the 65% who did have significant others, just over 34% were sexually active in the past 30 days.

The study looked at roughly 4,500 women in the United Kingdom who were enrolled in a trial for ovarian cancer screening. As the trial continued, the women reported having less sex and that it was less enjoyable over time.

Only 3% of participants described positive sexual experiences, whereas only 6% sought medical help for sexual problems, despite the availability of effective therapies, ScienceDaily.com reports.

Most studies look at the physical reasons for a decline in satisfactory sex during and after menopause (usually captured from a checklist of complaints). This one instead examined free-text data to try to understand why women feel the way they do about sex.

“Sexual health challenges are common in women as they age, and partner factors play a prominent role in women’s sexual activity and satisfaction, including the lack of a partner, sexual dysfunction of a partner, poor physical health of a partner, and relationship issues,” NAMS medical director Dr. Stephanie Faubion wrote.

And there are a variety of psychosocial factors that come into play, too: body-image concerns; self-confidence; and perceived desirability, stress, mood changes, and relationship issues. The study also cited how their partner’s physical condition, as well as their own health, played a major role.

The bottom line: Having an intimate partner with whom you share good physical health are key to sexual activity and satisfaction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!