Tag: Relationship Advice

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Your Guide to Fertility and Getting Pregnant

Here’s a primer on how to conceive, whatever your sexual orientation, gender identity or relationship status.

By Brooke Borel

The Gist

  • Doctors define infertility as the inability to get pregnant after one year of regular, unprotected sex (if you’re a woman under 35) or after six months of trying (if you’re a woman 35 or older).
  • Age has a significant impact on fertility; especially for women, whose fertility tends to drop after age 35.
  • For women, other causes of infertility can include irregular periods, polycystic ovary syndrome, hormonal imbalances, being underweight or overweight, blocked fallopian tubes, an unusually shaped uterus or cancer treatments.
  • For men, age may still factor into infertility; those over 40 could see a fertility decline. Male fertility problems can also stem from irregularities in the amount, shape or movement of sperm; blockage or trauma in the testes; or cancer treatments.
  • It’s no magic pill, but most doctors recommend following basic health guidelines to improve your chances of conceiving: Get enough sleep, don’t smoke, curb use of alcohol, follow a nutritious and balanced diet and maintain a healthy weight.
  • See a fertility specialist if you’re a woman who meets the above definition of infertility; are single, in a same-sex relationship or are transgender; or if your doctor has told you that any existing illnesses, conditions or medical treatments may affect your fertility.

The early scenes of “Private Life,” a 2018 Netflix film about a New York City couple who are trying to conceive, present an unsettling scenario for anyone pondering their biological clock: A 40-something woman wakes up after an infertility procedure to find that things can’t progress as planned. Her doctors successfully extracted her eggs — but they also realized that her partner can’t produce any sperm. There might be a fix, but there’s a catch: It’ll cost another $10,000. Oh, and the doctors need the check today.

The scene, of course, is fictional and is meant to draw laughs, but it’s also a good reminder of how unpredictable and costly infertility treatments can be. If you’re thinking about having kids, what’s the best way to achieve that goal without unexpected and costly medical intervention?

For most heterosexual couples, the first step is to try to conceive the traditional way, said Dr. Sherman Silber, M.D., director of the Infertility Center at St. Luke’s Hospital in St. Louis, Mo.: “I recommend, frankly, if they are young and fertile to make sure they have enough sex.”

But intercourse isn’t always a sure-fire route to pregnancy; many couples struggle with infertility because of age, illness or reasons that aren’t yet known to science, said the two fertility doctors and one researcher I spoke to for this guide. Around one in 15 married American couples are infertile, according to the most recent published data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. And there are special considerations for people who are transgender, single or in same-sex relationships.

Then there’s the high cost, which “Private Life” got right: According to the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, as well as a fertility benefits expert I interviewed for this guide, treatments may run to thousands or tens of thousands of dollars and aren’t always covered by insurance.

What To Do


First, some Sex Ed 101: In order to become pregnant, a sperm has to meet an egg at the right time. The ovaries typically release one egg once a month during ovulation. The egg travels through the fallopian tubes, where the sperm has to fertilize it. Next, the fertilized egg has to make its way to the uterus, develop a little more, and then implant in the uterine wall.

For heterosexual couples, it’s important to time unprotected sex with ovulation. (Women who have irregular periods and people who are single, transgender or in same-sex relationships are likely to skip this step and head straight to a fertility specialist.)

“We know that women ovulate about 12 to 14 days before their next menses,” said Dr. Esther Eisenberg, M.D., a medical officer in the Fertility and Infertility Branch at the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. “If you have regular periods, you can kind of figure it out.”

One option for tracking ovulation is to use a regular calendar and count back from the first day of your next projected period, although both free and paid smartphone apps will do the math for you. (If you’re using an app, read the fine print to make sure you’re comfortable with the data collection policies — some period trackers have come under scrutiny for sharing user health data with third parties.)

Another option, according to Dr. Eisenberg, is to use over-the-counter ovulation kits, which are a bit like at-home pregnancy tests. You pee on a stick, which measures luteinizing hormone. A surge in this hormone indicates ovulation, although it doesn’t prove it has happened (a woman can have the hormone surge but then fail to ovulate).

Doctors’ recommendations for how much sex you should have around ovulation vary, but it’s a good bet to try every other day or so in the days leading up to ovulation. Sperm can survive for several days in the female reproductive tract, but once you’ve ovulated, your egg has about a 12- to 24-hour window for fertilization. So, for the best chances of conception, have enough sex in the time leading up to that brief window.

Experts also recommend following basic health practices — such as sleeping on a regular schedule; avoiding alcohol and cigarettes; maintaining a healthy weight (being underweight or overweight can contribute to infertility) and following a balanced diet — to improve your odds of getting pregnant.

If you’re having trouble calculating your ovulation because of an irregular period, or if you’re not in a heterosexual partnership, it’s a good idea to seek the services of a fertility specialist at the beginning of your quest to conceive.

If you’re transgender, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine recommends that you discuss with a doctor how certain medical treatments — such as hormone injections or gender reassignment surgeries — may affect your fertility, as well as options for preserving eggs or sperm prior to transitioning.

For heterosexual couples, see a fertility specialist if you haven’t conceived after a year of regular, unprotected sex (if the woman in the partnership is under 35) or if you haven’t conceived after six months (if the woman in the partnership is 35 or older).

As with any medical treatment, your health insurance (if you have it) will largely determine which fertility doctors you can see without having to pay fully out of pocket. But it’s still a good idea to make sure you feel comfortable with whichever clinics are available to you, said Dr. Silber. Consider asking: What are the live-birth success rates? What sort of testing do they do? When doctors answer, Dr. Silber said, “see if they look you in the eye.”

If you’re a woman in a heterosexual partnership and are struggling to conceive, you may assume that there is something wrong with you. But in many cases, the male partner is responsible as well, so both partners should get fertility testing from the start.

The type of testing you receive will depend on your sex and situation, said Dr. Janet Choi, M.D., medical director of CCRM New York, part of a nationwide network of fertility clinics.

For most women, Dr. Choi said, basic testing starts with blood work to check for certain infections and hormone levels — the latter of which is part of an ovarian reserve test to estimate how many eggs you have left. There may also be a blood test to check thyroid levels, since certain thyroid disorders can affect the menstrual cycle or increase the chances of miscarriage.

Next comes a transvaginal ultrasound, which is another part of an ovarian reserve test. A practitioner will insert a wand-like instrument into the vagina, allowing her to visualize the reproductive organs and to check the ovaries for cysts or other abnormalities, as well as to get an idea of how many eggs are left.

Your doctor may also order an X-ray called a hysterosalpingogram (H.S.G.), which helps show whether anything in the reproductive tract is blocking sperm from reaching the egg. A practitioner will thread a tube through the cervix and inject an iodine dye into it, which fills the uterus and flows through the fallopian tubes; the X-ray picks up the dye to show whether the uterus is shaped normally and whether the fallopian tubes are blocked.

Comparatively speaking, most men have it easy when it comes to basic fertility testing: A doctor might order blood work to scan for certain infections or to check if hormone levels are normal. Men will also probably be asked to produce a sperm sample so that a practitioner can assess how much sperm is in the semen, how well they can move and how they are shaped. If the sperm fall short in any category, they may have a harder time reaching the egg — and the man may have to go through additional testing.

As with fertility testing, the type of infertility treatment you receive will depend on your unique health and medical history. If you’re a woman with a blocked fallopian tube, for instance, you may need surgery to remove the blockage or to repair damage before trying other fertility treatments. If you’re a man who isn’t producing sperm, it’s possible you have a blockage as well, and your doctor might recommend a procedure that retrieves viable sperm directly from the testes, or a surgery that removes the blockage.

If you’re a woman under 35, treatment will likely start conservatively, said Dr. Choi. For example, your doctor may prescribe oral drugs such as clomid or letrozole, which increase the odds of pregnancy by boosting the number of eggs you release during ovulation. This approach is also common for women with certain hormonal conditions such as polycystic ovary syndrome, in which ovulation doesn’t occur regularly.

Your doctor might instruct you to combine oral drugs with sex at home; or to time taking them with ovulation or with an in-office procedure called an intrauterine insemination (IUI), in which a clinician prepares a sperm sample then inserts it directly into the uterus to increase the odds of conception.

[More on intrauterine insemination.]

Women who are over 35 may also start conservatively with oral drugs or IUI, but if those measures don’t work after a couple of tries, or if it’s clear from your medical history that they aren’t likely to work, Dr. Choi typically recommends moving more quickly to more aggressive treatments, such as in vitro fertilization (I.V.F.). Here, the idea is to fertilize the egg outside of the body and then put the resulting embryo back in. (To read more about I.V.F., see our guide on it here.)

Fertility treatments will also vary for people who are single, in same-sex relationships or transgender. If you’re a woman who’s single or in a same-sex relationship, for example, you may try IUI or I.V.F. with sperm from a donor, depending on your age and your fertility status. Women in same-sex partnerships will also need to decide which partner should carry the baby, which will depend on preference, age and health. (It is also possible for one partner to harvest eggs and the other to carry the embryo, a process sometimes called reciprocal I.V.F., shared maternity or co-maternity.)

Men who are single or in same-sex partnerships will need a surrogate to carry the embryo, whether she uses IUI, I.V.F. or some other means of conception. Men in these circumstances may also need an egg donor.

If you’re transgender, your fertility treatment will depend on your individual history regarding sex reassignment surgeries, hormone treatments and so on. For example, if you’ve already had sex reassignment surgery, you may need donor sperm or eggs, unless you froze your own beforehand. If you only had hormone treatments, you may be able to reverse this process temporarily through new hormone treatments (under the guidance of a physician), in order to produce viable sperm or eggs.

Most insurance companies will cover fertility testing. But every expert I spoke to for this guide agreed that it’s a good idea to check with your provider before you start fertility treatment. There are no federal laws that require insurance to cover infertility diagnosis and treatment, and only 16 states require insurance companies to either cover or offer to cover it. “Under traditional coverage, if you have it, or if you don’t have coverage, you’re going to start acting a bit like an accountant and start adding up the dollars to figure out if you can afford it,” said David Schlanger, chief executive officer of Progyny, a fertility benefits management company.

Even in states that require coverage, details can vary. Some insurance plans cap the amount of money you can spend on fertility treatments. Say, for example, your plan allows up to $25,000, which sounds like a lot. But that could go quickly. According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, the average cost of one I.V.F. cycle is between $12,000 and $17,000 (without medication), and many people will need multiple cycles. Other insurance companies may require you to try IUI before I.V.F., even if your medical history suggests the latter is a better choice, which chips away at your allotted coverage. Still other plans don’t cover I.V.F. at all.

Even if your insurance covers a procedure, it may not cover other key factors. Prescriptions, for example, may not be included, and some fertility drugs can cost thousands of dollars. People who need sperm or eggs should check to see if donor tissues are covered. And laws regarding surrogates are “different all over the country,” Schlanger said. In New York, for instance, surrogacy isn’t even legal, although there have been proposals to lift the ban.

If your insurance doesn’t include fertility treatments, RESOLVE, an infertility advocacy nonprofit, recommends asking your employer if it’s possible to expand your plan.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why painful sex can plague women at any age

By Erin Blakemore

Your brain may be ready for sex. But what if your body refuses to cooperate? Women desiring intimacy with their partner sometimes experience pain instead of pleasure. Painful intercourse can happen even without other health issues — and it’s more common than you might think.

In a nationally representative 2013 survey, 1 in 5 women reported vulvar pain or discomfort during sex in the previous 30 days, and about 30 percent of women in a similar 2012 survey reported pain during their most recent sexual contact. Sometimes the pain is brief. But in others, it’s persistent.

Painful sex, known medically as dyspareunia, can have a variety of causes. Most affect women of all ages, although some women experience its onset during or after menopause. A variety of conditions, including endometriosis and a thinning of the vaginal wall, can be to blame — and sometimes, the pain has no discernible cause.

The pain can range from the discomfort of vaginal dryness to painful pelvic contractions or burning vulvar pain during penetration. Physical causes range. A lack of arousal or low estrogen can cause vaginal dryness and soreness. Infections or inflammation can lead to painful contractions of the pelvic muscles or burning pain during penetration. Birth control pills have also been linked with vulvar pain and uncomfortable intercourse.

Endometriosis, which is thought to affect up to 11 percent of American women of reproductive age, can be the culprit. In a nationally representative 2012 survey, 29.5 percent of women with endometriosis reported dyspareunia, too. The condition, which causes the cells that line the inside of the uterus to grow in other parts of the body, can cause bleeding, stabbing pain or cramping that can last for days after sex.

Other women experience vulvodynia: genital pain that burns, stings or throbs and makes sex uncomfortable or impossible. Although it’s correlated with past vaginal infections and pelvic floor weakness, the disease is still not well understood and there is no known cause. Treatments range from psychological interventions to pelvic floor therapy and vestibulectomy, a surgery that removes painful tissue along the vestibule, which surrounds the openings of the vagina and urethra.

A history of sexual trauma is also linked to painful intercourse, including genito-pelvic pain or penetration disorder. Previously known as vaginismus, the condition can involve painful vaginal spasms when something enters the vagina and is thought to be caused by a fear of penetration.

For many women, painful sex begins with menopause. During menopause, the ovaries produce less estrogen, the hormone that helps ensure vaginal lubrication and keep the lining of the vagina flexible and thick. Decreased estrogen can cause painful dryness, thin the vaginal walls and even shrink vaginal tissue. Those changes are known as vaginal atrophy. Vaginal estrogen therapy can help; so can vaginal moisturizers and the use of silicone-based lubricants during sex.

Azmia Magane, a 34-year-old social worker from Orlando, experienced painful intercourse early in her marriage. A variety of symptoms made sex challenging and, often, impossible. During and after sex, pain would shoot through her abdomen or radiate from her bladder. Sometimes, uterine polyps led to painful bloating after sex. And vaginal dryness made seemingly pleasurable acts feel more like torture.

In Magane’s case, endometriosis, polyps and other chronic health challenges were to blame. Vaginal dryness was one of the biggest obstacles between her and physical intimacy with her new husband, she says. “It just feels like shards of glass,” Magane says. “It’s very, very uncomfortable.”

Painful intercourse can affect self-esteem, body image and relationships. But despite its prevalence and importance, says Leah Millheiser, its highly personal nature means it can go unspoken and untreated. Millheiser, a clinical assistant professor at Stanford University and director of the female sexual medicine program there, says social taboos can get in the way of diagnosis and treatment.

“Some people are just uncomfortable talking about that area,” she says.

No matter the cause, self-esteem and relationships can start to hurt along with sexual intercourse. In a 2014 survey, 58 percent of postmenopausal women with vaginal discomfort said they avoid intimacy; 78 percent of their male partners agreed. Thirty percent of women surveyed said vaginal pain caused them to stop having sex entirely.

“It has caused some strain on my relationship,” Magane says. “It can really destroy your self-confidence.”

Silence in the doctor’s office can make matters worse, delaying treatment or causing women to seek out unproven treatments on their own.

“[Doctors] need to learn to step outside of our comfort zone and really address the issue of sexual function with our patients,” Millheiser says.

The conditions that can make sex painful are common — vulvovaginal atrophy, for example, affects up to 50 percent of postmenopausal women. Yet only 7 percent of women receive treatment for the condition.

Women who experience uncomfortable sex may also feel uncomfortable bringing up their complaints during a routine appointment. Doctors can share that discomfort, or not think to ask about sexual health, Millheiser says.

They can also minimize or ignore symptoms of sexual pain. It can take years for patients to receive a diagnosis of conditions that affect sexual health; with endometriosis, for example, patients wait an average of 6.7 years.

That’s what happened to Magane, who experienced excruciating pain, unsympathetic providers, and a botched laparoscopy before she was diagnosed with endometriosis. She recommends that women look for sympathetic providers — and that they insist on answers.

“I know my body,” she says. “I am an expert in my body. [Doctors] may have a medical degree, but I’ve lived in my body for 34 years and I know what’s normal and what is not. Painful intercourse absolutely is not normal — sex shouldn’t hurt.”

Millheiser says women shouldn’t suffer in silence. Patients may not think painful sex is worth bringing up, or worry that they’ll offend their health-care provider by discussing sex.

These days, Magane supplements her treatment with meditation and yoga. She has found some relief through pelvic floor therapy, too. It’s a form of physical therapy that can reduce pelvic pain and make physical intimacy more pleasurable.

“I actually had my husband come to one of my appointments,” she says. “It kind of gave him a visual of what I was going through.”

Although her ordeal has been painful, she says it has reminded her that “intimacy is about more than intercourse. Continuing to nourish the other intimate aspects of your life is important.”

Nonetheless, she says, women should experience everything their bodies are capable of. “Sex is a really important part of the human experience,” she says.

Millheiser agrees. “Sexual health is as important as any other part of your health. It’s about relationships. It’s about self-esteem.”

And luckily, she says, “there are effective treatments out there.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Reconnect With Your Partner After Having Kids

Don’t wait for the most convenient time to rebuild intimacy. You’ll be waiting a long time.

By Christina Caron

First things first: This is not another article that simply tells you to “go on a date night.”

Nothing against date nights. The best ones can remind you why you fell in love with your spouse or partner in the first place.

Or they can involve staring at each other in a sleep-deprived haze over an expensive meal while intermittently glancing at your phone for updates from the babysitter.

If date nights aren’t working for you, or if you’ve been struggling to maintain intimacy for months — or even years — after having children, here are some different ways to stay close to your spouse or partner, despite the stresses and frustrations of parenthood.

Try not to become complacent.

Just as there was never a perfect time to have children, there will rarely be a perfect time to rekindle a connection with your partner.

It’s easy to push your romantic relationship to the side: “Let’s get through sleep training first.” Or: “As soon as I get back into shape.” Or: “Maybe when I’m less tired.”

Then winter arrives. “Everyone’s sick again? Let’s wait until we get better.”

But if you keep waiting, experts say, regaining intimacy can become increasingly difficult.

“It seems to have been the norm for so many couples to say to themselves, ‘Now that the kids are here, we’ll focus on the kids. Our day will come,’” said Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist whose TEDx talk about sex-starved marriages has been viewed more than 5 million times. “But here’s the bad news from someone who’s been on the front lines with couples for decades. Unless you treat your relationship, your marriage, like it’s a living thing — which requires nurturing on a regular basis — you won’t have a marriage after the kids leave home.”

Couples may start to lead parallel but separate lives — and discover they have nothing in common.

“They’re looking at a stranger, and they ask themselves, ‘Is this the way I want to spend the last few years of my life?’” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “And for too many couples the answer is no.”

But all of that is preventable, she added.

“It’s absolutely essential not to be complacent about what I call a ho-hum sex life. Touching is a very primal way of connecting and bonding,” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “If those needs to connect physically are ignored over a period of time, or are downgraded so that it’s not satisfying, I can assure people there will be problems in the relationship moving forward.”

Slow down and start over.

If you had a vaginal birth, you and your partner may expect to begin having sex as early as six weeks after the baby is born, if you have been physically cleared to do so.

For some couples, that signals “the clock is now ticking,” said Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.”

But a lot of women simply won’t be ready that early. And that’s O.K.

“After the postpartum checkup, I didn’t feel like myself, I didn’t feel physically ready to have sex,” said Emily Stroia, 33, who lives in Los Angeles. “In terms of libido, I didn’t really have one.”

Ms. Stroia, the mother of a 10-month-old, eventually starting having sex with her partner once a month — but before she became pregnant, they had sex nearly every week, she said.

“I still kind of forget that I’m in a relationship,” said Ms. Stroia, who is struggling with sleep deprivation. “I have to remind myself that I have a partner.”

After any potential medical problems are ruled out, Dr. Nagoski advises couples to “start over” with one another by establishing a sexual connection in much in the same way they might have done when they were first getting to know each other: making out, holding each other and gradually moving in the direction of bare skin.

That’s especially important if there’s a birth parent involved, she added.

“That person’s body is brand-new,” Dr. Nagoski said. “The whole meaning of their body has transformed.”

It also helps to remember that “intimacy isn’t just hot sex,” said Rick Miller, a psychotherapist in Massachusetts.

“It’s steadfast loyalty, a commitment to getting through stressful times together and, most importantly, enjoying the warm, cozy moments of home together,” Mr. Miller said.
Put on your life preserver first.

Taking the time to nurture your individual physical and emotional needs will give you the bandwidth to nurture your relationship, too, so that it doesn’t feel like another task on the to-do list.

“When you experience your partner’s desire for intimacy as an intrusion, ask yourself, ‘How deprived am I in my own self-care? What do I need to do to take care of myself in order to feel connected to my own sexuality?’” said Dr. Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist and host of the “Motherhood Sessions” podcast.

That might mean going to the gym or talking to your partner about decreasing the invisible mental load that is often carried by one parent.

Enlisting the support of your family (or your chosen family) to take some time for yourself or discuss some of the struggles that accompany parenting can help you recharge.

“Relying on others is an indirect way of working on intimacy,” Mr. Miller said.

This is especially important for gay couples, he added, who may not typically share vulnerabilities “because the world hasn’t been a safe place.”

Practicing self-care as a couple is equally important.

Dr. Sacks recommends making a list of everything you used to do together as a couple that helped you feel close, and thinking about how those rituals have changed.

Is your toddler sleeping in your bed, spread out like a sea star between you and your partner? Have you stopped doing the things together you used to really enjoy like working out or going to the movies? Dr. Sacks recommends thinking about how you’re going to make an adjustment in order to create physical and emotional intimacy with your partner.

For example, if you always used to talk about your day together and now that time is completely absorbed by caregiving, the absence of that connection will be profound.

“You can’t just eliminate it and expect to feel as close,” she said.

Think about what turns you on.

According to Dr. Nagoski, one way to nurture intimacy is to remind yourselves of the context in which you had a great sexual connection together.

What characteristics did your partner have? What characteristics did your relationship have?

Then, she said, think about the setting.

“Were we at home with the door locked? Were we on vacation? Was it over text? Was it at a party in a closet at a stranger’s house against a wall of other people’s coats? What context really works for us?” Dr. Nagoski said.

When doing this exercise, and when thinking about your current libido (or lack thereof) it’s also helpful to remember that not everyone experiences spontaneous desire — the kind of sexual desire that pops out of nowhere. For example, you’re walking down the street and suddenly can’t stop thinking about sex.

Millions of other people experience something different called responsive desire, which stems from erotic stimulation. In other words, arousal comes first and then desire.

Both types of desire are normal.

Create a magic circle in your bedroom.

Dr. Nagoski suggested cordoning off an imaginative protected space in your mind where you can “bring forward the aspects of your identity that are relevant to your erotic connection and you close the door on the parts of yourself that are not important for an erotic connection.”

With enough focus, this strategy can work even if the physical space you’re using contains reminders of your role as a caregiver.

It can also help to think of your bedroom as a sanctuary, advised Ms. Weiner-Davis.

For couples who have spent years co-sleeping with their children, that can be somewhat difficult.

“I do believe there comes a point where it’s important to have those boundaries again,” Ms. Weiner-Davis said.

Don’t bank on spontaneity.

It’s easy to forget how much time and effort we put into our relationships in the early days: planning for dates, caring for our bodies and (gasp) having long conversations with one another.

“People feel sort of sad when they get that news that yes, it does require effort to build a connection across a lifetime,” Dr. Nagoski said. “You don’t just dive in — you don’t just put your body in the bed and put your genitals against each other and expect for it to be ecstatic.”

Karen Jeffries (a pen name she uses as a writer and performer to protect her privacy) said her sex life with her husband is better than ever after having had two children. They’ve always had a strong physical connection, she said. But they also plan ahead and prioritize.

“There are times where I’ll text him and I’ll be like, ‘We’re having sex tonight,’ and he’ll be like ‘O.K.’ or vice versa,” she said. “Sometimes I’ll send him a picture of a taco and he’ll send me a picture of an eggplant.”

Ms. Jeffries, 37, a fourth-grade dual-language teacher in Westchester County, N.Y., is the author of “Hilariously Infertile,” an account of the fertility treatments she endured to conceive her two daughters. Her children, now aged 6 and 4, are on a strict sleep schedule with a 7:30 p.m. bedtime, allowing for couple time in the evening.

Think of building good sexual habits just like you would develop good eating or exercising habits, she advised.

“Sex begets more sex. Kind of like when you go to the gym,” she said. “It takes you a while to build that habit.”

Then, she added, “You’ll notice little by little that it becomes more and more as opposed to less and less.”

Consider therapy.

A small 2018 study found that attending group therapy helped couples with low sexual desire as well as those who had discrepancies in their levels of sexual desire.

Individual or couples therapy can also be a good place to start.

For many parents, however, and especially those with young children, finding the time and money to go to a therapist can be challenging.

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist whose TED talks on sexuality and relationships have been viewed by millions, offers an online course, currently $199, that includes a section called “Sex After Kids.”

Ms. Perel also hosts the popular “Where Should We Begin?” podcast, in which couples share the intimate details of their troubles during recorded therapy sessions.

A number of other podcasts also offer advice to couples, including “Marriage Therapy Radio” and “Relationship Advice.”

Regardless of what steps you take to rebuild a connection with your spouse, experts say it’s important to take action as soon as possible.

“The child is not going to take up less space over time,” Dr. Sacks said. “So the question is: How do you carve out space for your relationships around the child, as the child continues to develop with different but continually demanding needs.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Vegans Have Higher Sex Drives and May Be Better in Bed

Vegan foods enhance sexual function

By Lauren Wills

In the 2018 James Cameron-produced documentary “The Game Changers,” it is revealed that vegans have a high sex drive.

Registered dietitian Bonnie Taub-Dix — the creator of BetterThanDieting.com and author of “Read it Before You Eat It — Taking You From Label To Table”— has further explained why this is the case.

Speaking to INSIDER last summer, Taub-Dix stated that circulation is a key factor in enhancing sexual function. She said, “We want to look at foods that boost circulation, because not only do we want to boost circulation to your brain – which is your sexiest organ – but it also boosts circulation to other parts of your body that you want to work properly.” 

 

She noted that “most of the foods that are vegan can do that. Foods like cayenne pepper, dark chocolate, fruits, leafy greens, sunflower seeds, beets. All of those foods would help to boost circulation, and when you boost circulation, there’s a greater chance that you’re going to get the response [down there] you’re looking for.” 

The dietitian also pointed out that when consuming more fruits and vegetables and “eating a healthier diet,” a person is “less likely” to require certain medications which may reduce libido and sexual performance.

Plant-based diets can also help to unclog arteries from the fatty deposits caused by meat and dairy — increased blood flow will inevitably help with sexual activity, affecting men especially.

Taub-Dix encouraged people to cut down on meat and dairy, advising that “even going from a diet that is very animal product heavy to one that is more plant-forward would be a good idea.”

If you really want to improve your sex life, it is vital to eat a whole food diet. Taub-Dix warned about indulging in “junk food,” and instead suggested focusing on plant-based protein sources because, “if you don’t have enough energy, your sex drive may suffer.”

Plant-based foods are heavy in zinc and vitamins B, which can increase libido — bananas, chickpeas and, avocados, in particular, are good for this. Going vegan can also increase serotonin levels, which can both boost sex drive and increase happiness. Serotonin levels are also linked with oxytocin levels, the “love hormone” that creates stronger feelings of intimacy and affection.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can What You Eat Really Affect Your Sex Life?

We explore the impact food can have on your libido, stamina, and your overall sense of wellbeing

by Bonnie Evie Gifford

It’s an old adage: you are what you eat. But could there be something to it? Ensuring that we each have a healthy, balanced diet, lead an active lifestyle, and look after our mental health are all imperitive steps towards to creating a happier, healthier (sex) life.

While there are plenty of articles out there highlighting the foods that could be ‘killing your sex drive’ and ‘destroying your sex life’ surely there must be foods that can have a positive impact…right?

We share the top foods that can help boost your libido, decrease erectile dysfunction, and increase your overall sense of wellbeing.

Happy hormone food swaps

Keeping our hormones balanced can help lead to a steadier (and more fulfilling) sex life. When our hormones become imbalanced, this can negatively impact our mood, and may even suppress sexual desire.

Nutritionist Nicki Williams explains,

“Hormone imbalances can make us feel exhausted, stressed, anxious, depressed, irritable, forgetful and unable to concentrate. We might have digestive issues, poor skin, hair and nails, or frequent infections.

“Hormones work together so when one gets out of balance, others can be affected. For instance, when our stress hormones are up, it can affect our thyroid gland, our digestive system, our sex hormones and the way we deal with sugar (insulin).

“As we age, our hormones naturally decline, which can give us those ‘ageing’ issues like fatigue, weight gain and memory loss. But what we eat and drink, and how we live our lives has a direct affect on our hormone balance. So a few changes to your diet and lifestyle can really help support your hormones, especially as you get older.”

Making a few healthy food swaps can help balance your hormones and get things back on track. Packed full of Vitamin E, avocados can help improve our production of testosterone, oestrogen, and progesterone. Switching to organic foods can help reduce the number of pesticides you are exposed to, which may have negative impacts on health and wellbeing.

For men, making sure you have enough testosterone isn’t only important for your sexual health, but can also affect your bone, muscle, and hair. As you get older, your testosterone levels can decrease, making it even more important to make sure you are having a nutrient-filled, well-balanced diet.

Eating more tuna (high in vitamin D), low-fat milk, beans and egg yolks can all help boost testosterone production whilst providing great sources of protein and vitamins.

At any age, if you’re worried you may be experiencing a problem with a hormone balance, make sure to speak with your GP to help rule out other symptoms and causes.

Boost your libido with nature’s aphrodisiacs

Libido-boosting foods have been a popular staple throughout history. While there is some debate over whether they really work or not, many foods credited with being natural aphrodisiacs do come with their own benefits.

Oysters – one of the most famous foods for getting in the mood (though the slimy texture should be enough to put anyone off). But why is that? High in zinc, oysters and other zinc-high foods including pine nuts, red meat, lobster, and fortified breakfast cereals, help provide high mineral our bodies need for vital, everyday functions. As well as helping our stamina, zinc regulates testosterone levels while helping to increase sperm quality.

Basil – a good source of magnesium and iron, basil may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you’re thinking of sexy foods, but it can promote better cardiovascular health, improve blood flow, and increase our desire (and ability) to, ahem, perform.

Dark chocolate – more than just a sweet treat, thanks to its phenylethylamine (PEA) or ‘love chemical’ content, dark chocolate can act as a natural aphrodisiac, while the cocoa content can help get your blood pumping and increase blood flow.

Garlic – stinky breath aside, garlic can help improve blood flow, increase iron absorption, and improve circulatory health. Just make sure you aren’t the only one chowing down on this overpowering herb – or you just might risk your evening ending on a more sour note.

Flaxseeds and pumpkin seeds – helping keep hormone production at its peek, these kinds of seeds are packed full of Omega 3 acids which can increase our dopamine and serotonin hormone production. Happier, healthier, and heightened desire all-round.

Stamina-boosters

If you’re looking for a way to improve your stamina, there are numerous natural ways to keep things heated for longer. Ensuring your circulation is good can not only lead to an improved sexual response for men and women (as well as benefiting erectile responses), but can also help improve your stamina.

Ensuring your diet includes wholegrains, a wide range of fruits and vegetables, nuts, legumes, seafood, and healthy oils (olive or sunflower) can all help keep your heart healthy and happy.

If you find your energy flagging, it can also be worth taking stock of how much stress you are under, as well as how much sleep you are getting. Poor quality sleep can be linked to low energy levels, lowering your overall performance and concentration. If you are experiencing depression, this can also be linked to fatigue and low energy. Experimenting with relaxation techniques, becoming more active, trying mindfulness and meditation, or exploring counselling can all positively impact your overall sense of wellbeing.

Nutritionist Jo Travers shares her top tips to help boost your energy levels by tweaking what (and when) you eat.

“Eat iron containing foods. Women need a lot of iron. Iron in your blood carries oxygen around your body to every cell and organ, and if you haven’t got enough of it you will feel really tired. Iron deficiency is a relatively common problem among women in the UK, largely because women lose iron-containing blood during menstruation. Try and have some vitamin C (from orange juice for example) alongside vegetable sources as this helps absorption of the iron.

“Ensure you eat five a day. Vitamins and minerals are needed for every single process that happens in your body, including turning food into energy. Fruit and vegetables are full of these micronutrients. They are also high in fibre to help level off the rate that carbohydrates are released into your bloodstream, and to maintain bowel health, which if neglected can lead to a lethargic feeling.”

Nutritionist Severine Menem explains it’s not just what we eat that affects our energy levels, but what we drink, too.

“Are you drinking enough water? It is water, and not liquid. Most people don’t realise that they lack energy simply because they are dehydrated. Water is needed by the body for a number of metabolic reactions. So you need to drink an adequate amount of water throughout the day until your urine is a pale yellow. If you are not there yet, start gradually increasing your intake of water while stopping or reducing your consumption of stimulants such as coffees and teas.”

Tackling erectile dysfunction

It’s not a topic often spoken about, but erectile dysfunction affects more men than you may realise. More than one in five (21%) of male smokers have been unable to perform in the bedroom, while some statistics put the numbers as high as one in two men in their 30s experiencing erectile dysfunction.

According to experts, a number of physical and psychological factors can cause impotence. From obesity to high cholesterol, anxiety, stress and depression to alcohol consumption, there can be any number of contributing factors.

Research suggests that eating foods rich in flavonoids may help reduce the risk of erectile dysfunction, with foods such as blueberries and citrus fruits showing particular promise. Increasing your fruit intake can help reduce your risk by up to 14%, while switching towards consuming a more Mediterranean-style diet could both help prevent erectile dysfunction whilst boosting other areas of your sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here Are 6 Lessons I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self About Sex

After years of study in the field of sexuality, there are countless things I wish I’d known about sex when I was first getting busy.

By Gigi Engle

As is my usual Monday gym ritual, I was on the elliptical with one of my good friends, discussing her love life. She’s in her early 30s and finds herself regularly facing down the barrel of dating peril: Tinder dates and emotionally stunted f*ckboys in the all-too-often depressing single scene in Chicago.

As she told me of yet another lackluster hookup, I found myself waxing poetic about anatomy, the need for egalitarian sexual etiquette, and other basic sexual health advice that I find myself regularly giving to my friends. I find it rather vexing that my close friends—friends who have access to me and the wealth of my sexual health knowledge—are still asking the most rudimentary sex-ed questions.

It got me thinking about the women who don’t have a sexuality educator at their disposal whenever they need a lube recommendation. While it might be slightly annoying to answer questions I consider basic, that doesn’t mean other people think they’re basic. After all, as a society, we’re still pretty backward about sex, and when I was first starting to understand my own sexuality, I was pretty backward too. I’m still learning to this day, no matter how much of an “expert” I think I am. (Related: I Tried a 30-Day Sex Challenge to Revive My Marriage’s Boring Sex Life)

While there isn’t an “end” to learning about sexuality (both my own and in general), there are countless things I wish I’d known about sex when I first started getting busy in my teen years. I sincerely hope that these lessons will help other women looking to own their power and enjoy their sexuality to the fullest—even if they don’t have a sexologist BFF.

1. Your clitoris the key to your pleasure.

Man, if someone had just explained what a clitoris was when I was growing up! Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the vast majority of my teens and early twenties wondering why intercourse isn’t making me scream with pleasure.

The powerhouse of female pleasure is the clitoris. It contains 8,000 nerve endings (!), while the vaginal canal has nearly no touch-sensitive nerve endings at all—and that’s why orgasms don’t happen during intercourse for the vast majority of women. So if you’re one of the many people who wonder why you can’t orgasm during sex (I get that question in my inbox nearly every week), it’s probably because you’re not paying attention to this majorly important area. Get the clitoris involved, girl! That’s how you’ll make that O happen. (Try one of these sex positions for clitoral stimulation or get a partner-friendly vibrator involved.)

2. Experiment with G-spot wands and see what that’s like for you.

With that being said, I didn’t know jack squat about the G-spot until I became a professional sex researcher. I had been told, by porn and other non-scientific sources, that the G-spot was either A) a myth or B) was located inside the vaginal canal and should magically give all women orgasms during (mostly useless) sexual intercourse.

Once again, a thorough understanding of what the G-spot is would have made my sex life a whole lot more interesting. If I could tell my younger self anything, I’d say to experiment with G-spot wands, sister! You’re not going to find it by sticking a penis up there, since your G-spot is curved up behind the pubic bone. Do it yourself, and see if sensation around this area feels good to you. (Here’s a full guide on how to find your G-spot and maybe even have a G-spot orgasm.)

And what’s more, it’s totally OK if you’re not into it—G-spot stimulation isn’t for everyone, (Imagine!!! To be a sexually explorative woman without the shame and guilt of not being able to orgasm like fictional porn characters.)

3. Masturbate ALL the time.

Masturbate. Masturbate yourself to the high heavens, my friends. Masturbation is normal and healthy (and objectively awesome). You need to learn what brings your body pleasure in order to have better sex. Studies have even shown that masturbating makes your libido higher, your vaginal lubrication more plentiful, and even makes you more likely to want to engage in partnered sex. (And there are even more benefits of masturbation for your health!)

Orgasms are amazing and you deserve to have as many as you want, forever and always. No, you can’t get addicted to your vibrator. That is a myth. Go forth, get that self-love action, and have fun with your gorgeous body. Go! Go now!

4. Your orgasm comes first.

There is this wild, pervasive idea that women are supposed to prioritize their partner’s pleasure while ignoring their own. It is damaging and, frankly, super messed up. Dear Younger Gigi (and all women everywhere): Your orgasm is the priority. You are not to expect anything less than sexual pleasure and fulfillment in all sexual experiences. (Related: How to Have an Orgasm Every Time, According to Science)

Yes, this includes casual encounters. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship or non-relationship you’re in; every sexual experience should be positive, wherein your pleasure is considered critical to the success of the hookup. End of story.

5. YOU are responsible for your orgasm.

That said, it is you, not your partner, who is responsible for your orgasm. Ask for what you want. If you’ve been masturbating (like I hope you have), you know how you like to be touched and what brings you pleasure. Don’t fake orgasms to please someone, don’t “take what you get,” and don’t just lie there like a dead fish and wonder why you didn’t see stars in the wake of orgasmic bliss.

Communicate what you need to have an orgasm. Be kind and gentle with your partner. We all feel vulnerable during sex. We all just want to do a good job and have orgasms. If your partner is a jerk to you because you asked for what you need to orgasm, don’t hook up with that person. Ever.

Remember that orgasm doesn’t happen during every single sexual experience, either—and that’s really okay! Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to “finish.” This isn’t a race. It’s sex! And sex should be fun. Focus on enjoying pleasure. If you have an orgasm, great. If your needs were met, you felt safe, and your partner did everything they could to make sure you had a positive experience, that’s great too.

6. Enjoy your sexuality.

Lastly, be a slut if you want to be a slut. This whole idea of “slut” as a negative way to describe a woman who has a lot of sex is just something the Patriarchy made up to keep you down. Enjoy your sexuality. Have as much or as little sex as your heart desires. Go out there and do your thing. Shame is such a waste of time when you’re out here trying to live your best life. (Just don’t forget to do it safely.)

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Non-Intimidating Guide to Kinks and Fetishes

By Gigi Engle

There is still a strange, judge-y haze that falls over any kind of kinky sex. Even the very idea of asking “What is a fetish?” is taboo. People tend to think that people into kinky sex are sexual deviants—nothing like “normal” people having perfectly “normal” sex.

This, I must say, is a whole lotta B.S. Kinks are actually quite common—according to a 2014 study, 50% of Americans enjoy some kind of kink or rough sex fantasy, while 36 percent have used blindfolds and bondage gear during sex—totally normal, and totally available to everyone. (No sex dungeon or BDSM club required.)

What Is a Fetish?

Kinky sex is all sex that falls outside of the boundaries of “vanilla” or traditional sex. (Think: Missionary style sex with the lights off.) It’s the catchall umbrella term that captures the wide spectrum of sexual behaviors that you might be into. It’s somewhat subjective—what one person considers “kinky” could be another person’s “vanilla.” You might think doggy style with some light spanking is super kinky, whereas another person may need to be blindfolded and ball-gagged in order to think the sex is kinky. In other words, exploring your kinky side can be as adventurous as you want it to be.

Fetishes are a specific type of kink. A fetish is a fixation on something largely nonsexual (feet, bubbles, tickling, leather, latex, cotton panties, etc.). For people with a fetish, that normally nonsexual thing is actually a huge turn-on—they’re sexually attracted to it. Most people with fetishes require that item or sex act to become sexually aroused. For instance, someone with a foot fetish may need to lick, kiss, or nibble on their lover’s feet in order to get turned on. Kink, on the other hand, can be a part of sexual intimacy, but isn’t necessarily required for the sex to happen.

Exploring Kinks and Fetishes 101

Here is what you should know about the most common fetishes and kinks, how to try them, and what gear you can buy to make the experience more memorable (and fun).

BDSM

What is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, submission, sadism, and masochism. It sounds scary—like getting blindfolded, tied to the bed and whipped mercilessly—but that’s rarely the case. BDSM is not about the need to hurt someone or to be hurt by someone. It’s about exploring your boundaries and levels of control, not torture and misery.

How to try it: BDSM is actually the most common kink there is. It can be as quotidian as a little light spanking or biting; blindfolding your partner or asking them to bind you with fuzzy handcuffs; or various levels of sensation play (such as using blindfolds, feather ticklers, or ball gags), pain play (such as spanking, electro-stimulation, or whipping), and breath play (choking).

The one thing all safe BDSM has in common? It’s consensual and explicitly negotiated between partners, wherein one person willingly (and enthusiastically) gives up control to the other.

Role playing

What is role playing? Role play is one of the simplest ways to explore kink—who hasn’t had some kind of sexual fantasy in their lifetime? Whether your particular turn-on is a well choreographed scene straight out of Outlander or a slightly more vague scenario like two strangers meeting at a bar, role play is a good opportunity to explore some of those fantasies. It’s like creating your own script-based porn together—it gives you both a chance to be someone else and get out of your own head.

How to try it: Role playing can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be. In its most basic form, it’s just about you and your partner taking on new characters and acting out a scene. For instance, you could be the sexy repairperson who has come to fix your lover’s sink. If a doctor and patient situation is more your jam, you could always get your partner a white lab coat and have them give you a full “checkup.”

Latex (and other materials)

What is a latex fetish? Sexualizing materials—latex, lace, silk, leather, nylon, you get the picture—can be both a kink and a fetish. If latex is a kink, it means you enjoy latex (think: wearing a smoking hot latex bodysuit) as a part of your sexual play. A latex fetish means that latex needs to be involved in your play in order for you to get turned on. With a fetish, you’re genuinely attracted to the material: The sound it makes on a person’s skin, the smell, and the feel of it. Again, this is totally normal.

How to try it: If you’re into latex (or other such materials), it’s likely that you’ve known for a while. Maybe you came across a lovely pair of thick latex gloves in your kitchen or a pair of nylon stockings growing up and felt all the things. To get material-based fetish into your IRL sex life, simply start by bringing a latex (or leather, spandex, etc.) object or piece of clothing into the bedroom. Start with something simple like latex gloves. If this works for you sexually, you can try a latex bodysuit, wearing it or having your partner wear it (consensually, of course). If leather is more your thing, try wearing that vintage biker jacket you love to bed. Perhaps you and your partner could even go to a sex shop and invest in a leather riding crop if you’re feeling a bit adventurous.

Foot fetish

What is a foot fetish? Foot fetishes are very common—there are entire YouTube channels devoted to the worship of all things feet. Having a foot fetish means that you are sexually attracted to feet—clean, manicured feet, normal feet, or even dirty feet. This can also include being attracted to shoes such as high heels or sneakers.

How to try it: This can play out in different ways during sex. You may want to lick or kiss your partner’s feet, you could be into them stepping on you, or even rubbing a shoe over your body. Everyone is different and no one thing is stranger than any other (assuming your partner is down).

Voyeurism and exhibitionism

What is voyeurism? Voyeurism is when you enjoy watching people have sex—it’s the thrill of seeing something “you’re not supposed to.” In the traditional definition, the people you’re watching don’t know you’re watching, but this obviously violates their consent, which is a big no-no. If you want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can watch people engaging in sex acts with their knowledge of your being there. Voyeurism can also include enjoying other people watching you engage in sexual activity—commonly referred to as “exhibitionism.” They are two sides of the same coin. The excitement of exhibitionism comes from “getting caught” doing something “bad” or naughty.

How to try it: There’s already a bit of a voyeur in all of us. Getting turned on watching your partner touch themselves, watching porn, even heating up for a steamy scene on Netflix has the erotic element of peeking into someone else’s sex life. Try watching porn together and masturbating side-by-side. You get to watch the people in the video having sex, while enjoying intimacy with your partner. It’s a win-win for everyone. Exploring exhibitionism may also include things like having sex outside or in public (provided you do it very carefully). Here is a good guide to outdoor sex, should you be interested.

The Step-by-Step Guide to Trying Kinks and Fetishes

Curious but still a little intimidated? We’ve got you covered.

1. Involve your partner.

If you’d like to incorporate a kink or fetish into your sex life, talk about it. Have a solid conversation with your partner to decide what you’re both willing to explore before whipping out a riding crop in the bedroom.

It can be daunting, but having a conversation is critical if this is important to you. Start by talking about your mutual fantasies and go from there. You want to keep it light before moving into the more “intense” stuff. For example, if you’re interested in nylon, would you partner be okay with nylon stockings in bed? Would they be okay having their wrists tied with some nylon stockings? This way, you can both be involved in the execution, trying a bunch of different things that turn you on.

Think it through and be open and honest. It’s crucial that these conversations come with a big ol’ dose of empathy.

2. Do your research.

If a kink is new to you, do your research. Some of this play—bondage or choking, for instance—can be dangerous. Take a class or watch some YouTube videos. The best places for in-person classes are feminist sex toy shops such as Pleasure Chest or Babeland. If you don’t live in a major city, check out O.School. This online resource is an amazing place to take free online workshops from everything to blow jobs to kink to latex. Know what you’re doing before you try anything at all. You want to be solid in your skills before trying them on another human person.

3. Establish a safeword.

Safewords are nonsexual words that indicate when one partner would like to stop or pause the play. Choose a word that has nothing to do with that you’re doing in the bedroom. I suggest something nonthreatening such as banana, strawberry, sailboat, or hockey puck. You can also use a simple traffic light system: Green means go, and red means stop.

If you’re engaging in play that could disrupt a person’s ability to speak, such as breath play or wearing a ball gag, use a “three tap” approach: If you or your partner wants to stop, you tap them three times on the shoulder.

Why do you need a safeword? Because in some scenes “no” may be interpreted as part of the play. For example, in a ravishment role play fantasy or a super-submissive scene, if you say “no” or “stop” your partner may think you’re simply in character. A safeword also helps keep the erotic energy of the scene alive so that in event you want to keep going, you’re not completely deflated.

4. Do some shopping.

When it comes to gear, you don’t need to go out and buy a bunch of expensive stuff to make a fantasy or fetish happen. BDSM is definitely mostly gear-focused kink, but even so, it’s easy to utilize things from around your house. Try placing a T-shirt over your partner’s eyes as a makeshift blindfold, grabbing a wooden mixing spoon for spanking, or try running an (unused!) feather duster over your lover’s body.

For most fetishes, you’ll just need the specific item on which your fetish in focused. This could be anything from feet, to a leather crop, to a pair of nylon stockings. If you’re interested in leather specifically, we love these harnesses from Bijoux Indescretes. The company makes a whole line of fetish and BDSM gear that is inexpensive and easy for beginners to use. If latex is more your style, check out these amazing suits from The Latex Store.

I also love everything kink-related from Unbound. They make a super-adorable feather tickler, paddle, pinwheel, handcuffs, bondage tape, and blindfold that are perfect for BDSM neophytes. Plus they double as jewelry, a turn-on all its own. Check out the line here.

4. Check in.

Be sure to always have aftercare following sexual experiences. This is when the two of you take time to touch, kiss, caress, and reconnect emotionally.

In the following day or two, have an open and honest conversation about what you did correctly, what was working for you, and what wasn’t. Be willing to compromise to cocreate a sexual experience that is pleasurable, unique, and special for both of you.

When it comes to exploring kink and fetish, there is no “bad” or “abnormal” as long as everyone involved is an enthusiastically consenting adult. Don’t be afraid to broaden your sexual horizons. Learn all you can, be open-minded, and who knows? You might discover something you’re into that you’d never thought possible.

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10 Ways to Overcome Sexual Insecurity

by Katie Lambert

Few things make us feel more vulnerable than being naked in front of someone else. There’s nothing to distract, nowhere to hide. Everything you are is out in the open for everyone to see, whether they be friends or enemies.

When it comes to sex, there’s often a component of emotional vulnerability as well. For people who are insecure when it comes to their bodies and their relationships, this can make the bedroom a minefield. An innocuous-seeming comment from a partner can result in a psychological detonation and a devastated evening (not to mention a lot of confusion).

If this scenario sounds familiar, it’s time to make peace with yourself. Here are 10 tips to overcoming the internal battle in the bedroom.

10 Walk Around Naked More Often

For some people, sexual insecurity comes from the way they feel about their bodies. If you’re one of them, feeling comfortable in bed with someone else has to start with you feeling comfortable with yourself.

Easier said than done, right?

Start with something concrete: Take it all off. And by “it,” we mean your clothes. Walk around naked. Look at your body in the mirror (not under fluorescent lighting!) through the eyes of someone much more compassionate than you usually are with yourself. Yes, you might have cellulite, or one breast or testicle that’s lower than the other, or weird hair on your back. But so what?

Despite what you may have absorbed through the media, people like different things. Fat, pubic hair, paleness — those all get someone going. You don’t have to have Ryan Reynolds’ abs or Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage to be sexually desirable. If someone is smiling at you in a bedroom and inviting you under the covers, it’s because they want to sleep with you. Just as you are.

No more turning off the light. Remember that confidence is sexy, too.

9 Get in Touch with Yourself

Self-pleasure is normal. Some of us have been doing it since toddlerhood, while others didn’t discover it until much later. While it’s great in and of itself, masturbation also serves another purpose — teaching you what makes you feel good.

Know thyself– in the carnal sense. Some women prefer clitoral stimulation, for example, while others like vaginal or anal penetration, and still others desire some sort of combination. Some men like attention paid to their nipples, scrotum or perineum, while others would like you to put your mouth and hands elsewhere.

If you know what gets you all hot and bothered, you can better guide someone who wants to please you. That’s a win-win.

8 Make a Doctor’s Appointment

Some insecurities can be resolved by talking to a health care professional. If your worries stem from the fact that sex is painful for you, for instance, it might be a medical issue. Someone can talk you through it, give you advice and might be able to fix it.

Lest you worry that your concern is utterly bizarre, rest assured that any health care professional has pretty much heard it all.

If you’ve noticed an unusual discharge or smell, or if you’re having trouble getting erect, having an orgasm or staying lubricated, give your doctor a call. Either it’s something he or she can help you with, or you’ll get the reassurance that everything is just fine.

7 Reprioritize

It isn’t true that all men want sex all the time, or that what all women truly desire is a man or woman who lasts for hours.

A common insecurity is about “performance.” Women worry that they’ll take too long to orgasm, or that they won’t be able to. Men are concerned that they’ll ejaculate too quickly or not get hard enough.

Orgasms are awesome — no one’s denying it. But making that the only focus of a sexual experience is missing a lot of other things. Plus, the pressure of making it the be-all and end-all of your tryst just makes it more nerve-wracking.

Can’t get it up? It happens. If it happens often, you might want to get checked out for any medical issues, but if it happens when you’re nervous, you certainly aren’t the only one. Can’t have an orgasm? Again, not the end of the world. Maybe you aren’t comfortable with the person, or maybe you have other stuff going on in your mind. Maybe you’re both drunk. The point is that there’s more to sex than those few seconds. Make the most of it.

6 Accept That You Like What You Like

Let’s say that what you need to feel fully aroused is dirty talk. You want your sexual partner to tell you, in detail, exactly what he or she fantasizes about doing to your naked body. (Or, hey, your clothed body — whatever works.)

But you don’t want to ask, because you’re afraid that he or she will think it’s weird. And, instead of having an incredibly satisfying experience, you leave wishing for something more.

The heart wants what the heart wants. Same goes for the genitalia. Unless your particular sexual predilections are illegal or dangerous, they’re fine — and we promise that there are other people who share the same longings.

You have a choice: You can try to plant thought beams in your partner’s head about what you want, or you can talk about it and possibly elevate mediocre sex to something fantastic. And who knows — he or she might’ve been hoping the entire time that you’d say it.

5 Get Your Head Straight

Is your goal to be the best at sex? You might want to find a new goal. One, because that award does not exist outside the porn industry, and two, because there is no right or best way to do it — different people like different things.

It’s like a dirty nursery rhyme — some like it fast, some like it slow, some like it hard and some like it not so.

Regardless of what magazines may try to sell you, there is no one trick that will drive him or her wild. Well, there might be, but you’re going to have to find that one out from the one you’re with.

The best sex happens when you lose yourself in the moment. So instead of striving for first place in a competition that’s only in your head, work toward finding someone who makes you tingly.

4 Practice, Practice, Practice!

Before you ever kissed someone, you probably worried that you’d be bad at it. This is why so many people have stories about making out with their own hands.

Not surprisingly, a lot of people have the same worries about sex. Here, we can take a lesson from sports. (No, it’s not about bases.) Practice, practice, practice.

You don’t know much about sex at the beginning. That’s OK. There’s no sex bible. That’s because it’s totally subjective. Good sex is what feels good to you.

If you’ve left the bed feeling let down, try, try again! Figure out what it was that made you disappointed. Never quite gotten the hang of being on top? Experiment the next dozen times you do it. Have no idea what you’re doing when it comes to oral sex? Take the time to explore. Most people appreciate lovers who take their time and think creatively. You’re in no hurry (unless you’re in an elevator). There’s plenty of time to learn and grow.

3 Use Your Mouth — to Talk

Like so many other situations in life, communication is key when it comes to sex. You should be talking about contraception and STDs, of course, but there’s more to it than that.

It’s OK to admit that you’re inexperienced or need cuddling or compliments, or that you’re a little shy. If he or she isn’t the kind of person you feel comfortable talking to, you might want to rethink the whole “exchanging bodily fluids” thing. You don’t have to discuss the time your dog got hit by a car, but you should be able to share with a sexual partner your feelings about sex.

If you’re insecure about your abilities, few people will mind having a willing pupil — some will enjoy it, in fact.

So instead of letting your inner monologue distract you, try putting some of it into words. After that, you might not need too many words at all.

2 Talk to a Therapist

Some sexual insecurities require a little outside help to overcome. Any kind of past sexual trauma or emotional or psychological problem could use some professional expertise.

Therapy is still generally looked at as something you do in response to a traumatic life event, but really, it’s just a tool to help you work through things — even issues that seem small.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a good option for dealing with sexual insecurities because it focuses on changing the way you think, helping you squelch negative thoughts in favor of a more constructive way of looking at things.

1 Have Fun

Sex is fun. That’s why humans have been doing it for centuries. So if you’re not enjoying yourself, take a step back and investigate why.

If your insecurities are being reinforced by the person you’re with — a partner who criticizes you or makes you feel inadequate — hit the road, Jack. Find someone who makes you feel amazing.

Life is too short to spend it worried about whether your O-face looks weird or how visible your cellulite is from behind. Don’t miss out. Address your insecurities and enter the boudoir excited — pun completely intended.

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A queer user’s guide to the wild and terrifying world of LGBTQ dating apps

By Jon Shadel

What’s the best queer dating app today? Many people, tired of swiping through profiles with discriminatory language and frustrated with safety and privacy concerns, say it isn’t a dating app at all. It’s Instagram.

This is hardly a queer seal of approval for the social media platform. Instead, it’s a sign that, in the eyes of many LGBTQ people, big dating apps are failing us. I know that sentiment well, from both reporting on dating technology and my experience as a gender non-binary single swiping through app after app. In true early-21st-century style, I met my current partner after we matched on multiple apps before agreeing to a first date.

Sure, the present state of dating looks fine if you’re a white, young, cisgender gay man searching for an easy hookup. Even if Grindr’s many troubles have turned you off, there are several competing options, including, Scruff, Jack’d, and Hornet and relative newcomers such as Chappy, Bumble’s gay sibling.

But if you’re not a white, young, cisgender man on a male-centric app, you may get a nagging sense that the queer dating platforms simply were not designed for you.

Mainstream dating apps “aren’t built to meet queer needs,” journalist Mary Emily O’Hara tells me. O’Hara returned to Tinder in February when her last relationship ended. In an experience other lesbians have noted, she encountered a lot of straight men and couples slipping into her results, so she investigated what many queer women say is an issue that’s pushing them away from the most widely used dating app in America. It’s one of many reasons keeping O’Hara from logging on, too.

“I’m basically not using mobile dating apps anymore,” she says, preferring instead to meet potential matches on Instagram, where a growing number of people, regardless of gender identity or sexuality, turn to find and interact with potential partners.

An Instagram account can serve as a photo gallery for admirers, a way to appeal to romantic interests with “thirst pics” and a low-stakes venue to interact with crushes by repeatedly responding to their “story” posts with heart-eye emoji. Some see it as a tool to supplement dating apps, many of which enable users to connect their social media accounts to their profiles. Others keenly search accounts such as @_personals_, which have turned a corner of Instagram into a matchmaking service centering on queer women and transgender and non-binary people. “Everyone I know obsessively reads Personals on Instagram,” O’Hara says. “I’ve dated a couple of people that I met after they posted ads there, and the experience has felt more intimate

This trend is partially prompted by a widespread sense of dating app fatigue, something Instagram’s parent company has sought to capitalize on by rolling out a new service called Facebook Dating, which — surprise, surprise — integrates with Instagram. But for many queer people, Instagram merely seems like the least terrible option when compared with dating apps where they report experiencing harassment, racism and, for trans users, the possibility of getting automatically banned for no reason other than who they are. Even with the small steps Tinder has taken to make its app more gender-inclusive, trans users still report getting banned arbitrarily.

“Dating apps aren’t even capable of properly accommodating non-binary genders, let alone capturing all the nuance and negotiation that goes into trans attraction/sex/relationships,” says “Gender Reveal” podcast host Molly Woodstock, who uses singular “they” pronouns.

It’s unfortunate given that the queer community helped pioneer online dating out of necessity, from the analog days of personal ads to the first geosocial chat apps that enabled easy hookups. Only in the past few years has online dating emerged as the No. 1 way heterosexual couples meet. Since the advent of dating apps, same-sex couples have overwhelmingly met in the virtual world.

“That’s why we tend to migrate to personal ads or social media apps like Instagram,” Woodstock says. “There are no filters by gender or orientation or literally any filters at all, so there’s no chance that said filters will misgender us or limit our ability to see people we might be attracted to.”

The future of queer dating may look something like Personals, which raised nearly $50,000 in a crowdfunding campaign last summer and plans to launch a “lo-fi, text-based” app of its own this fall. Founder Kelly Rakowski drew inspiration for the throwback approach to dating from personal ads in On Our Backs, a lesbian erotica magazine that printed from the 1980s to the early 2000s.

That doesn’t mean all the existing matchmaking services are worthless, though; some cater to LGBTQ needs more than others. Here are the better queer dating apps, depending on what you’re looking for.

For a (slightly) more trans-inclusive space, try OkCupid. Far from a glowing endorsement, OkCupid sometimes seems like the only palatable option.The few trans-centric apps that have launched in recent years have either failed to earn the community’s trust or been described as a “hot mess.” Of mainstream platforms, OkCupid has gone further than many of its competitors in giving users options for gender identities and sexualities as well as creating a designated profile area for defining pronouns, the first app of its caliber to do so. “The worlds of trans (and queer) dating and sex are more complicated than their straight, cisgender counterparts,” Woodstock says. “We don’t sort our partners into one or two easy categories (man or woman), but describe them in a variety of terms that touch on gender (non-binary), presentation (femme) and sexual preferences.” Clearly, a void still exists in this category.

For the largest LGBTQ women-centric app, try Her. Until Personals launches its own app, queer women have few options other than Her, what one reviewer on the iOS App Store describes as “the only decent dating app.” Launched in 2013 as Dattch, the app was renamed Her in 2015 and rebranded in 2018 to appear more welcoming to trans and non-binary people. It now claims more than 4 million users. Its core functionality resembles Tinder’s, with a “stack” of potential matches you can swipe through. But Her also aims to create a sense of community, with a range of niche message boards — a new feature added last year — as well as branded events in a few major cities. One drawback: Reviewers on the Apple App and Google Play stores repeatedly complain that Her’s functionality is limited … unless you hand over around $15 a month for a premium subscription.

For casual chats with queer men, try Scruff. An early pioneer of geosocial dating, Grindr is well known as a facilitator of hookups, but a string of recent controversies has soured its reputation. Grindr “has taken a cavalier approach to our privacy,” says Ari Ezra Waldman, director of the Innovation Center for Law and Technology at New York Law School. Waldman, who has studied the design of queer-centric dating apps, suggests alternatives such as Scruff or Hinge, which do not have histories of sharing user information with third parties. Recently, Scruff has taken a clearer stance against racism by making its “ethnicity” field optional, a move that follows eight years of defending its filters or declining to comment on the issue. It’s a commendable, if largely symbolic, acknowledgment of what trans and queer people of color continue to endure on dating apps.

For queer men and zero unsolicited nudes, try Chappy. Receiving unsolicited nudes is so widespread on gay male-focused dating apps that Grindr even has a profile field to let users indicate if they wish to receive NSFW pics. Chappy, on the other hand, restricts messaging to matches only, so it’s a good bet if you want to avoid unwanted intimate photos. Chappy was launched in 2017 and became one of the fastest-growing apps in its native Britain before its acquisition by Bumble. Chappy offers a few refreshing features, including a user code of conduct everyone must agree to and the ability to easily toggle between guys looking for “casual,” “commitment” and “friends.” Earlier this year, the app moved its headquarters to join Bumble in Austin, with its eyes set on growth in the United States. Current user reviews suggest it works best in the nation’s largest metro areas.

For friends without benefits, try Bumble or Chappy. Need a break on your search for Ms., Mx. or Mr. Right? In hopes of keeping you swiping forever, some apps have created designated friend modes, notably Bumble and Chappy. But maybe try skipping the apps first — join an LGBTQ book club or a hiking Meetup group, or grab a drink at your local queer bar (if you have one left). Or, if you’re in Los Angeles, hang out at Cuties, the city’s only queer coffee shop. This reporter has done all these things and enjoyed all of them — except the hiking.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cannabis vs. Alcohol

Which Is Better for Sex?

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As legalization brings cannabis out into the open, sex is becoming a major area of interest for brands as well as smokers. It may even make some consider turning to cannabis instead of the most well-known sex-enhancing drug, alcohol. How exactly, then, do the two substances compare?

According to a new survey by the vibrator startup Lioness, the answer is unequivocal: Cannabis wins. Of 432 people surveyed, 66% said cannabis makes orgasms more intense, compared with only 2% who said the same of alcohol. Similarly, 55% said cannabis led to more satisfying foreplay, compared with 3% saying the same of alcohol, and cannabis gave 57% of people longer sessions (though it decreased the time it took to reach an orgasm), while alcohol did the same for just 6%.

While this study was sponsored by a cannabis company and is not the most objective, there’s other research supporting this point. A 2007 study in the Journal of Pharmacology compared people’s reports of sex with alcohol and sex with illicit drugs, including cannabis and ecstasy. While cannabis wasn’t studied individually, the researchers found that people reported greater willingness to experiment and more satisfying experience overall with illicit drugs compared to alcohol.

Dr. Becky Lynn, Director of the Center for Sexual Health and Associate Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Saint Louis University, who studies how cannabis affects women’s sex lives, says her own patients are more likely to report enhanced libido and orgasm with cannabis than alcohol. Some women with severe pain during sex find alcohol more useful, she says, but this comes at the cost of being less present during the encounter.

Sex coach and CannaSexual creator Ashley Manta says her clients also much prefer cannabis as a sexual aid. “The phrases I hear most often from clients with regard to alcohol and sex are ‘disconnected,’ ‘sloppy,’ and ‘numb,’ ” she said. “With cannabis, I hear ’embodied,’ ‘heightened sensation,’ and ‘euphoric.’”

Dr. Nikola Djordjevic, family physician and medical adviser for loudcloudhealth.co, agreed with Manta.

“Alcohol tends to numb us,” Djordjevic said, while “sex on marijuana makes us more aware and enhances our sensations.” Issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and falling asleep during sex are also more likely to happen with alcohol, he said. However, cannabis is more likely to cause anxiety and paranoia, which can certainly hinder one’s sexual enjoyment.

One advantage to cannabis is that there are more ways to use it, Manta points out. There are even cannabis sex products that won’t intoxicate you at all, such as topicals and cannabidiol (CBD) products. Lynn cautions, however, that there isn’t solid evidence to support the effectiveness of cannabis lube.

Stoned Sex is the Best Sex

Many people agree based on personal experience that stoned sex is superior.

“On booze, sex is sloppy, graceless, incoherent, and too often incomplete,” said Russel Barth, a 50-year-old author and cannabis advocate in Ottawa. “On cannabis, sex is like a ballet with full-orchestra crescendo. On booze, you are not completely present in the moment. With cannabis, you are deeply in tune with the moment and with the person you are interacting with. The climax can be transcendental.”

“Getting high [on cannabis] makes me ridiculously horny because every sensation is amplified,” said Suzannah, a 23-year-old student in South Africa. “I enjoy having sex while I’m tipsy, but the drunker I get, the more numb everything is, and I also just generally don’t enjoy not remembering a lot of it.”

Some sexual advantages of cannabis for sex are indirect. It makes Michele Parrotta, a 55-year-old entrepreneur in Ontario, Canada, “way less nervous” during sex. Ryan, a 33-year-old who works in sales in Washington, D.C., says cannabis actually makes him shier, but that has the benefit of making him more gentle and giving, while alcohol can make him overly bold, selfish, and rough.

Not everyone feels that way, though. Shad, a 26-year-old marketing professional in San Diego and Los Angeles, actually prefers tipsy sex (though not full-on drunk sex) to stoned sex. With weed, “neither person has as much energy and is more likely to chill out vs. get creative and have a great orgasm,” he said.

Joe, a 31-year-old writer in Southern California, sees pros and cons to both. While drunk sex is “more adventurous,” stoned sex is “deliciously slow and contemplative,” he said.

Emma Biddulph, a 25-year-old graduate student in Portland, Oregon, says sober sex is the best of all, but stoned sex can occasionally be fun because it makes partners “giggly” and more comfortable expressing what they want.

Risky Business

Another perhaps surprising difference is, research shows that cannabis actually decreases sexual risk-taking, while alcohol increases it, said Matthew Johnson, associate professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore. A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that alcohol is more likely to make someone sleep with a stranger, but cannabis is more likely to make them sleep with someone they already know.

“A very likely reason is that alcohol has major effects on GABA, the major inhibitory neurotransmitter in the brain, and drugs that work on this system tend to have strong disinhibiting effects,” Johnson said. “People don’t put their mental brakes on, so to speak. But cannabis affects the endocannabinoid system, which plays much more of a modulatory role.”

There also might be an upside to cannabis’s potential to induce paranoia, he said: People may be more likely to worry about things like pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Whichever substance you are using, doing it in excess can hinder your sex life more than it helps. One study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, for example, found that men who used cannabis daily were at higher risk for sexual dysfunction such as inability to orgasm, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation.

So, while many people have long been singing the praises of stoned sex and will likely continue to do so, it’s still not a cure-all, and there can be too much of a good thing.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Evolution of a Bisexual

My Road to Embracing Sexual Fluidity

by

“Now, I’m far more attracted to men than women, but who’s to say my sexual preference won’t sway again?”

I’ve identified as straight, I’ve identified as gay, and I’ve identified—and still identify—as bi. My sexual identity is something of a shapeshifting mass that I can never quite firmly grasp. In the minds of many, I’m confused. But I don’t see it that way. I’ve always been confident in my sexual orientation; it’s just changed over time. For the majority of my life, I was solely romantically and sexually linked to women. But in my late 20s, I started to experiment with men (something I’ve wanted to do for a long, long time) and really liked it. Now, I’m far more attracted to men than women, but who’s to say my sexual preference won’t sway again?

“It’s not uncommon for people’s sexual identities to change,” sex educator Erica Smith, M.Ed, tells NewNowNext. “I know this as a sexuality educator and because I’ve experienced it firsthand. I’ve identified as bisexual, lesbian, queer, and straight (when I was very young). It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s that I relaxed into the knowledge that my sexual attractions are probably going to keep changing and shifting my whole life.”

According to Alisa Swindell, Ph.D. candidate and bisexual activist, it is not always our sexuality that changes. Usually, it’s our understanding of our sexuality that evolves when we explore what feels right to us. “Our understanding of gender and how it is expressed has been evolving at a rate that has not previously been known (or studied) and that is changing how we understand our own desires and responses to others,” she says.

Many outside factors can influence our sexuality. For instance, Swindell thinks many bisexuals are playing against a numbers game. “There are more people with other gender attractions than same-gender, so more often bisexual people end up in relationships with people of another gender and find it easier to pursue those relationships,” she says.

In her opinion, this sentiment is especially true for women, as there is still a lot of stigma toward bi women within lesbian communities. Men, however, experience a different set of challenges.

“Once [men] start dating [other] men, they often find themselves in social situations that are almost exclusively male and so meeting women becomes harder,” she adds, effectively summarizing my lived experience as a sexually active bisexual man. “Also, those men, like all of us, were socialized to respond to heterosexual norms. So many men who enjoy the queerness of the male spaces are still often attracted to heteronormative women who do not always respond to male bisexuality due to continuing stigma.”

The continuing stigma often pressures bisexuals to adopt a monosexual identity. Take Leslie, a “not super out” bisexual, as an example. Leslie dated a woman from her late teens to early 20s, keeping her sexual orientation a secret because her parents were conservative and she didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. As she revisits her past same-sex relationship with me, she has a realization: “In reflecting on all of that, I think deep down I thought that being with a man would just be easier.”

The bisexual Pride flag

Now married to a man, Leslie feels like she’s lost her bi identity, though she’s still attracted to different genders. “When I see people I follow online and find out they are bisexual I usually reach out and say, ‘I am, too!’ so I can collect sisters and brothers where I can,” she adds. “Otherwise, as I am cisgender-presenting I often feel like I don’t really have a say but I offer my support.”

This loss of identity is all too common. “Maintaining a recognized bisexual identity can be difficult as monosexuality is still the assumed norm,” Swindell says, noting that showing support—whether that looks like keeping up with issues that affect bisexuals, correcting people who mistakenly call bisexuals gay or straight, or encouraging our partners to not let that slide when it comes up with friends and family are all important for maintaining an identity—as Leslie has, is important to maintaining a bi identity. Smith adds this loss of identity may be attributed to a person’s own internalized biphobia, too.

“When it comes to sexuality in particular, there is rightfully a lot of autonomy given to people to self-identify. If someone self-identifies as queer or bisexual, none of their sexual or relational behavior, in of itself, alters that,” psychotherapist Daniel Olavarria, LCSW, tells NewNowNext. “Of course, there is also a recognition that by marrying someone of the opposite sex, for example, that this queer person is exercising a level of privilege that may alter their external experience in the world. As a result, this may have implications for how that person is perceived among queer and non-queer communities.”

Jodi’s experience as a bisexual person is more reflective of my own: She shares that she’s gone through stages where she only dates men, and others where she only dates women. Available studies suggest that only a minority of bisexuals maintain simultaneous relationships with both genders. In one report, self-identified bisexuals were asked if they had been sexually involved with both men and women in the past 12 months. Two-thirds said yes, and only one-third has been simultaneously involved with both genders.

As for a possible explanation? “It can be really difficult for us to find partners who are comfortable with us dating other genders at the same time,” Smith offers up as a theory.

“If I’m in a situation where I have to be exhibiting a lot of ‘masculine’ energy (running projects, being very in charge of things at work, etc.), then I tend to want to be able to be in more ‘feminine’ energy at home,” Jodi adds, clarifying that people of any gender identity can boast masculine and feminine energy. “Likewise, if my work life looks quieter and focused on more ‘feminine’ aspects such as nurturing and caregiving, I tend to want to exhibit a stronger more masculine presence while at home.”

Bisexuality is, in many ways, a label that can accommodate one’s experience on a sexuality spectrum. This allows for shifts based on a person’s needs or interests at any given point in their life. Perhaps “The Bisexual Manifesto,” published in 1990 from the Bay Area Bisexual Network, says it best:

Bisexuality is a whole, fluid identity. Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.

Sexuality is complicated, and how we experience it throughout our lives is informed by a multitude of different factors—the exploration of power dynamics, craving certain types of sexual experiences, and social expectations can all influence our gender preferences at any given time, to name just a few. Much like our own bodies, our understanding of our sexual orientation will continue to grow.

I’ve come to accept this ongoing evolution as a wonderful and inevitable thing. Imagine having a completely static sexual orientation your entire life? Boring! Being able to explore your sexuality with wonderful people of all genders is intensely satisfying and uniquely insightful, no matter how many others try to denounce what you feel in your heart or your loins.

I didn’t choose the bi life; the bi life chose me. And I am grateful.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Propose an Open Relationship

By Malia Wollan

“Don’t bring it up during an argument,” says Terri D. Conley, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who studies sexuality. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to explore making it nonmonogamous, raise the topic gradually. Conley doesn’t drink, but she thinks these exploratory conversations might benefit from the loosening effects of alcohol. Start hypothetically. For example, ask your partner to name the most attractive famous people. “You could then say, ‘Oh, that person is so hot, if they propositioned you, I’d be fine if you had sex with them,’ ” Conley says. If your partner looks horrified at the suggestion, it doesn’t bode well.

Once you decide to make your case outright, be explicit about what you want, and say it clearly. Listen carefully to what your partner wants. To make what sex researchers call consensual “extradyadic involvement” work, you need to be willing to communicate often and with empathy. Monogamous couples move into nonmonogamy for all kinds of reasons — unmet sexual desire, boredom, illness, curiosity. Open arrangements tend to work best for couples with lower inclinations toward jealousy and, in the case of heterosexual pairs, less rigid gender norms. Just the suggestion of romantic permutation can be stimulating. The psychotherapist Esther Perel has found that when monogamous couples discuss the possibility of nonmonogamy, it often increases sexual desire between them. “You’re asking yourselves, ‘What would our relationship look like if it changed?’ ” Conley says.

If you can afford it, take this negotiation to couples’ therapy. Be sure to choose a provider who is amenable to the notion of open relationships; Conley’s research suggests many are not and that some core psychology theories of attachment, commitment and psychosocial development presume monogamy as the ideal. Since Conley first began publishing academic papers on nonmonogamy more than a decade ago, she has been attacked by other researchers in the field. Their anger confused her. “It was like I shot their dog,” she says. Her methodology wasn’t the problem, she says; it was that she’d dared to suggest that nonmonogamous relationships could be healthy and satisfying.

If both parties appear willing to try an open relationship, give yourselves a trial period. “If your partner is still miserable after two months, it’s probably not going to work,” Conley says. “In which case you need to decide if you’re going to stay with that person and be monogamous or leave.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Practice Aftercare After Having ANY Kind Of Sex

by Gigi Engle

Aftercare refers to the time we devote, post-sex or play, to cuddle, talk, and care for each other. You may think this is simply “what you do after sex,” but it actually has important implications. In the kink community, aftercare is essential in order for both partners to feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world.

In my practice as a clinical sexologist, I’m a big proponent of all couples devoting time to post-euphoric aftercare so as to rekindle closeness, regardless of the play they engage in.

Aftercare makes for stronger emotional bonds.

Couples who practice aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with their partners than those who don’t. After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable. We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. “Everyone feels good when they know their partner cares for them, and what better way to show it than tending to them when they are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind?” says licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist Pam Saffer, LMFT.

“Prioritizing time [for] aftercare provides space to improve emotional intimacy, sharing and validating positive emotions. It really encourages couples to share open communication and express love [and] kindness toward each other either verbally or through affectionate touch,” adds Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important. While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way. The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.

It helps relieve underlying sexual shame.

While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages. After sex, after that delicious post-orgasmic high, your body can suddenly unearth the subconscious shame. This might be especially relevant if one or more parties was raised within a conservative or religious background

“Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame.”

Aftercare helps to stave off the post-coital blues.

Have you ever felt like crying after sex? You know, when you have a truly amazing orgasm and then feel sad for no reason? This is called “post-coital dysphoria,” or the post-sex blues. It’s believed to come from the euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows intense sexual pleasure. It is the brain’s way of recalibrating. Research has shown that nearly half of men and women have experienced PCD at some point in their lives.

Aftercare is the salve that soothes these sad feelings. “Sometimes people can feel alienated from their partners after the euphoric feelings from sex wear off,” Shaffer explains. “Aftercare routines can help them to feel close in a purposeful way.”

Have an open and honest discussion about PCD and develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure. You might want to cuddle, perhaps you want your partner to stroke your arm, or you might want to have a nice chat or a deeper conversation. “If you know there is something after sex that would make you feel better, then you need to speak up and ask for what you want. Your partner wants you to feel good, and anything they can do in aftercare needs to be communicated and shared with them,” D’Angelo says.

Sex is very fun, but it can be an emotionally fraught thing in addition to all the pleasures, so we need to take precautions to ensure that everyone walks away from the experience feeling positive and good about themselves. Whatever form of aftercare works for you is perfectly fine. Just be sure you have a discussion about it before any sexy time takes place. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex in 2019

Your guide to safety

By Dr. Lisa Lanning

Older adults live longer now than in previous generations. In 2019, retired adults might have 20 or 30 years of life ahead and might find they have a lot more free time and freedom than they did when younger.

In your case, perhaps you have lost a spouse or a previous relationship has ended. Perhaps you haven’t dated in a long time, but now you’ve met someone new and are considering becoming physically intimate with that person.

What should you know to keep your own health in great shape and reduce the risk of serious sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?

Use it or lose it: Health benefits of an active sex life

Many older adults crave the physical and emotional closeness of having a regular sexual partner. As we age, it’s common to lose partners to disease, death and divorce, and many older adults grieve the loss of their previously active sex lives.

It is understandable that when one loses a partner, he or she would still desire to express their sexual feelings, and it’s entirely natural to seek a new partner.

Most adults in our culture recognize that sex is an effective way to reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Baby Boomers – those born between 1946 and 1965 – reached maturity during the 1960s-1980s, a much more sexually liberated period than the formative years experienced by their parents and grandparents.

Many vibrant older adults equate better health with better (and more) sex and expect to have sex well into their golden years.

A 2007 New England Journal of Medicine survey of 3005 seniors’ sexual activity found that:

Three-fourths of seniors ages 57-64 were sexually active.
More than half of ages 65-74 were active.
More than one-fourth of those 75-85 years old remained sexually active.

So how do we navigate finding a new, healthy and safe partner later in life?

Older is not (necessarily) wiser

Although older adults are having more sex and with more partners, they are not necessarily protecting themselves from infections. The advent of drugs designed to treat erectile dysfunction and other performance-based sexual disorders has increased the opportunity to participate in sexual activity while also increased exposure for men and women to STIs.

Studies show that many older adults do not use condoms, and physiologic changes in the aging body (such as vaginal dryness and thinner vaginal tissue) increase the likelihood of injury and tear from sexual intercourse and other sex play. This can increase the risk of receiving and transmitting an STI. Men who have sex with men and women who have sex with women are also at risk of STIs and need to be aware of how to protect themselves and their partners while enjoying their sex life fully throughout their life span.

What’s the risk?

Something we don’t often discuss is that part of the natural aging process is a less robust immune system. Older adults are often prescribed medications that also suppress the immune system including many arthritis medications and other medicines for chronic conditions.

Seniors are also more likely to have diabetes, heart disease and chronic kidney disease which increases the chance of picking up an infection.

Between 2007 and 2014, diagnosed cases of syphilis increased 52 percent among older adults, cases of chlamydia increased 32 percent and new diagnoses of HIV also increased according to a global STI study on emerging challenges to senior health.

That same report found that between 2007 and 2014, 24 percent of HIV-positive persons were more than 50 years old, and more than 15 percent of new HIV/AIDS diagnoses were among adults over 50. It’s also notable that, according to an American Journal of Public Health article, the risk of STIs is higher among recently widowed men than for women ages 67-99.

It’s time to be smart. We can no longer follow “Don’t ask, don’t tell” when being sexually active as older adults. Ignorance is truly dangerous and can be lethal.

If you are concerned that you might have been exposed to an STI, please bring it up with your primary care provider. We aren’t very good mind readers, and while we SHOULD ask about your sexual health, studies show we don’t ask nearly as often as we should, and patients don’t bring it up either.

How can you decrease your risk of contracting an STI?

Condoms help – both the everyday male condom and the less well-known female condom. These barriers reduce exposure to potentially infectious body fluids and protect the delicate older tissues. Lubricants help reduce trauma to sexual organs by decreasing friction and thus tears and other injuries that can increase the likelihood of developing an infection after sex.

It’s also important to simply TALK ABOUT IT! Although these can be uncomfortable conversations, it’s critical that older adults embarking on sexual relationships have “the talk” with their partners.

Here are a few key points:

  1. Be nonjudgmental and approachable. Just ask: How is your sexual health? Let’s face it – you’re preparing to share something extremely intimate and satisfying together – it will be better if you can discuss your past experiences openly. Feel free to ask about past infections or other sexual health concerns and how you plan to manage the risk of future infections.
  2. Go get tested together. See your family doctor, internist, OB/GYN, PA or NP. Ask for advice. A little-known fact is that Medicare covers screenings for STIs, although less than 5 percent of seniors take advantage of this benefit.
  3. Laugh about it. Share freely with your partner what you do and don’t like. Don’t compromise your values. If you are both open to new experiences and trying something you haven’t tried before, go for it!
  4. Learn about sex! We are never too old to learn something we didn’t know yesterday. The internet is a fantastic resource, although it can be overwhelming. A particularly excellent website is the American Sexual Health Association, ashasexualhealth.org.
  5. Lastly, check out this entertaining and educational rap video by family doctor Shannon Dowler, “STDs Never Get Old”  You can share it with your partner to help you start a conversation.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Yes, latex can be part of a healthy relationship

Busting the myths around sexual fetishism

There are several misconceptions surrounding sexual fetishism.

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People with fetishes have a sexual attraction to inanimate, non-living objects or non-genital body parts. Any body part can become a fetish, including feet, hair, and noses.

Most object fetishes tend to be clothing items, such as stockings, latex gloves, and raincoats.

Although fetishism was once thought to be rare, this has been challenged by recent research. A survey of 1,040 Canadians found 26% of participants had engaged in some form of fetish activity at least once.

As a fetish researcher, I’m often asked if fetishism can ever be healthy. The simple answer is yes. While fetishism was once perceived as a mental illness, this is no longer the case.

According to the current diagnostic and statistical manual used to classify mental health disorders (DSM-5), a fetish is only considered a disorder in the rare instances when the fetish causes “significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning”. This means the majority of people with a fetish don’t have a mental illness.

Despite fetishism no longer being perceived as an illness, my research has found people often describe those with fetishes as “unhealthy”, “sick” or “crazy”. This false belief is problematic for those with fetishes, as it can result in stigma and discrimination.

So if fetishism is not unhealthy, why do so many people think it is? The answer to this may lie in the myths that surround fetishism.

Myth #1: people with fetishes are dangerous

As part of my PhD research, I asked 230 people to describe fictional characters with fetishes, based on manufactured scenarios. The participants frequently described the characters as “dangerous”, “creepy”, or “perverted”.

But the DSM-5 states that among sexual offenders with a paraphilia (that is, a non-conventional sexual interest), fetishism is relatively uncommon. A paraphilia that would be more common among sex offenders is voyeurism involving observing an unsuspecting and non-consenting person.

Because of the stigma associated with fetishism, most people who have a fetish hide it. These people, for whom fetishes constitute part of a healthy sexual relationship, don’t come to public attention.

What does come to people’s attention are the extreme cases of fetishism that involve criminal behaviour. For example, the serial killer Jerry Brudos, who had a shoe and foot fetish, killed four women between 1968-1969. Brudos’ case was well-documented in the media and he became known as “The Shoe Fetish Slayer”. His story has recently been depicted in the Netflix series, Mindhunter.

Although rare, these cases foster the myth that those with fetishes are dangerous sexual predators.

Myth #2: people with fetishes need their fetish to have sex

It has often been thought that those with fetishes have a disorder because they cannot perform sexually when their fetish is absent. But my research suggests most people with fetishes do routinely engage in sexual acts without their fetish, and enjoy conventional intercourse.

However, we found people with fetishes often preferred sex involving it:

I can enjoy sex very much without the involvement of rubber household gloves […] 40–50% of our sexual activity involves no clothing/items/toys at all.

[Satin] material enhances the activity. So without the [satin] material sexual activities score an eight, with the material it scores an 11 out of ten.

Myth #3: people with fetishes don’t want or need relationships

In 1912, the prominent sex researcher Havelock Ellis suggested those with fetishes “are predisposed to isolation from the outset, for it would seem to be on a basis of excessive shyness and timidity that the manifestations of erotic symbolism [fetishism] are most likely to develop”.

In other words, he believed people develop fetishes because they’re extremely shy and don’t know how to relate to other people. But this idea is based on the assumption that people with fetishes don’t have relationships and fetish sex is largely focused on solitary masturbation.

In one study of people with fetishes, we found over half of participants were in intimate partner relationships. Further, over three-quarters preferred fetish sex involving their partner or another person.

i [sic] personally love to wear latex but if my partner does as well even better!!!

If I’m with a girlfriend, I like to see her dressed in a satin chemise […] I love the way the smooth slinkiness of satin accentuates te [sic] curves and shape of the body, and the shiny reflective element makes satin a turn on visually.

Myth #4: fetishism seems strange, so it must be sick

The main reason fetishism is often considered to be a mental illness is because at one stage, all sexual interests considered to be “strange” were believed to be unhealthy. In 1968, according to the DSM-2, a sexual interest was a mental illness if the sex was “bizarre”.

Because of this definition of healthy sexuality, any form of sexuality that was not considered “normal” was seen as a mental disorder until 1994 (even homosexuality was considered to be a mental illness until 1973).

In recent years, what is seen as unhealthy sex has changed drastically. There has been a recognition that just because a sexual interest is not appealing to everyone, this doesn’t make it a mental disorder, and does not mean the individual is sick. There are many different types and ways of expressing sexuality.

As long as the sex is consensual, and does not cause harm to oneself or others, there’s no reason to suspect it’s unhealthy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!