Tag: Relationship Advice

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How To Talk Dirty

— During Sex, On The Phone & Whenever

 

By Alex Shea

Dirty talk may feel strange at first as you pick your brain for the perfect dirty things to say to your partner. Relax a little—talking dirty isn’t an exact science, and navigating it relies more on how comfortable you are versus how much you know about it. Here’s how to talk dirty during sex, plus sexy things to say to your partner outside the bedroom to build excitement. 

How to talk dirty with confidence:

Give yourself permission to go at your own pace. Sharing your fantasies via text may be a better choice if you’re not comfortable with any face-to-face play yet. You’re on nobody’s schedule to learn how to dirty talk except your own. (Here’s our full guide to sexting, in case you’re curious.)

It doesn’t have to be super creative, but it should feel good to you and your partner. “Good sex is supposed to be freeing and explorative,” Shan Boodram, sexologist and K-Y’s intimacy educator, tells mbg. The dirty things you say to your partner should feel natural and flow with the moment.

Let dirty talk elevate your sexual experience, not hinder it. The sooner you disregard the pressure you put on yourself, the easier exploring the sexual experience will be. You can help your partner navigate your body. Shoot, it may even lead to more fulfilling sex for everyone involved.

When you want to describe the moment for your partner, you don’t have to mention their cup size or their girth. Something as simple as “I love your body” can get the ball rolling. And if you want to throw in a few adjectives, generals like—fat, huge, and wet work really well.

5. Get comfy with your partner.

The comfort you feel in your relationship has everything to do with what you’re willing to try sexually. “Talking with your partner(s) beforehand about your interests in dirty talk can be a great way to reduce the anxiety when you’re actually in the moment,” sex and relationships therapist Kamil Lewis, AMFT, tells mbg. Communicate, explore, and communicate some more.

A greater sense of intimacy can blossom in your relationship by learning how to talk dirty. “Dirty talking isn’t about it being gross or crude or vulgar,” Boodram explains. “It’s just more about, does it make you feel hot?” What makes a phrase dirty is how sexually aroused you get from hearing it. Be the person that champions someone’s sexual fantasy, not crushes it.

Dirty things to say during sex.

I’m so wet/hard right now.
I don’t have any panties on.
I’m dripping.
I need to feel you against me.
I need your lips against my skin.
Just wait until we get home.
I want your mouth on me.
I want you to fuck me from behind.
I want you inside of me.
I want to see you play with yourself.
I want you to undress me.
I want you between my thighs.
I want to taste you.
I want your cock in my mouth.
Hold me.
Caress me all over.
Come for me.
Kiss my nipples.
Choke me.
Grab my ass.
Just like that.
Right there.
Pull my hair.
Bite me.
Look at me.
Talk to me.
Say my name.
Whisper in my ear.
Don’t stop.
Moan for me.
Stroke my cock.
Play with my clit.
Get over here.
You like that?
You feel so good inside me.
You do that so well.
Your cock/pussy feels amazing.
I love your body.
I love it when you grit your teeth.
I love it when you whisper in my ear.
I love it when you touch me there.
I love the way you moan.
I love the way you taste.
Harder.
Slower.
More.
Faster.
Deeper.
Please.
Louder.
Fuck.
I love how hard you can make me come.
Your tongue is magical.
That was incredible.
You want to go again?

Sexy things to say to your partner.

Dirty talk isn’t only for the bedroom. Here’s some inspiration for dirty things to say to your partner to keep sexual energy flowing in your relationship.

I keep thinking about your body against mine.
I can’t get you out of my mind.
Remember last night when we [insert sexual activity]? Wow.
What sex position was your favorite?
My body misses your [insert body part].
Thinking about you makes me want to touch myself.
When you get here, I’m going to [insert sexual activity].
I really liked it when we [insert sexual activity]. Let’s try that again.
I can’t wait to fuck you tonight.
I’ve been thinking about [fill in the blank] all day long, and I can’t wait until we can [fill in the blank].
What do you think about doing [insert sexual activity] the next time we’re in bed?
I’ve been looking forward to sitting on your face all day long.
I know it’s been a long day. That’s why I’m going to [insert sexual activity] when you get home.
That thing you do with your [insert body part] really makes me hot.
It makes me horny when you [fill in the blank].
You’re always on my mind.
I want you so bad.
You look good enough to put in my mouth today.
You make me so wet/hard when you moan.

How to talk dirty on the phone.

Whether you’re having phone sex for the first time or you’re in a long-distance relationship, here are some dirty things to say when you’re virtually connecting with someone. Personalize these phrases to fit your relationship, and match the language you and your partner already use. Remember, one couple’s vanilla is another couple’s kink.

I wish I was there.
I wish I could hold you right now.
I miss the way you feel inside of me.
I miss the way you taste.
I miss the way your [insert body part] feels [insert verb] against my [insert body part].
When I get back, I’m going to [insert sexual activity].
I can’t wait until I can go down on you again.
I’m going to fuck you so hard when I see you.
I’ll rip your clothes off the moment I see you.
Thinking about you is making me so wet/hard right now.
I want to see you naked…right now.
Just hearing your voice makes me want to touch myself.
I love it when you talk like that.
Tell me what you want to do to me.
I want to feel how wet/hard you are.
Play with yourself for me.
Whisper dirty things to me.
Tell me what you want from me.
What are you wearing right now?
Are you touching yourself?
Do you want to have FaceTime sex?
Are you alone?
Do you miss my body?
What else do you like when I do it to you?
Do you want to listen to me come?
The way you’re sexting me is hot; want to show me what you’re talking about?
I’m touching myself. Do you want to taste?

The comfort you feel with yourself and in your relationship is a crucial factor in talking dirty. You already know the right dirty things to say to during sex, before sex, and after sex—all that’s left is for you to go for it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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8 tips to have better and more intense orgasms

By Ava English

  • To have a better orgasm, stimulate your c-spot, p-spot, or g-spot.
  • To have a more intense orgasm, try edging or kegel exercises.
  • There’s no evidence that masturbating or watching porn less frequently can improve your orgasm.

Regardless of what you call it — climaxing, coming, or finishing — orgasms are often considered the peak of a sexual experience. However, they can also be a bit of an enigma, and, for some, difficult to achieve.

According to sex experts, here are some ways you can improve your orgasm:

1. Find the right spot

Your genitals are loaded with nerve endings, but some spots are more sensitive than others. And stimulating the right spot may lead to a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.

Stimulate the clitoris

One way to enhance partnered sex is to incorporate clitoral stimulation to boost your pleasure. The clitoris is a major erogenous zone, comparable to a penis, in terms of nerve endings and physiology structure and you can stimulate it in various ways starting with the C-spot.

The C-spot is the part of the clitoris that is visible. This spot holds many nerve endings and is super sensitive to touch. Therefore, stimulating it during masturbation or partnered sex can lead to extremely intense orgasms. 

Another well-known spot is the G-spot, which is thought to be an erogenous zone located within the vaginal canal. However, Mathis Kennington, PhD, a certified sex therapist and co-founder of The Practice in Austin and The Couple Lab, says that this intense stimulation is actually another type of clitoral stimulation.

“The clitoris is much larger than most people know,” says Kennington, “often women who feel a G-spot-like orgasm are actually just feeling a different part of their clitoris being stimulated through penetration,” says Kennington.

Clitoral stimulation often doesn’t happen during penetrative sex alone. In fact, a 2017 survey published in the Journal of Sex and Marital therapy found that out of 1055 women in the US only 18.4% of them reported the ability to orgasm from penetrative sex alone.

You can stimulate the clitoris by using your hands, your partner’s hands, or a toy like a vibrator.

Stimulate the P-spot 

The P-spot refers to the prostate. The prostate is a reproductive organ located below the bladder that produces semen.

Some people find that stimulating this area leads to quick and extremely intense orgasms. You or a partner can stimulate this area with fingers “either directly through insertion into the anus or through the skin by massaging the space underneath his testicles and above the anus,” says Kennington.

2. Practice mindfulness

Getting in touch with sensations during daily activities can help you enhance your pleasure and intensity of orgasms in the bedroom. Sex is, after all, quite sensual.

Emily Jamea, PhD, a certified sex therapist at REVIVE in Houston, conducted research published in Sexual and Relationships Therapy that found heightening sensuality — or the ability to tune into the five senses — outside the bedroom improves sexual satisfaction inside the bedroom by strengthening the mind-body connection.

The study consisted of 195 individuals over the age of 25 in secure, long-term relationships. The participants completed a survey that measured attachment, sensuality, curiosity, imagination, and sexual satisfaction. Within this group, sensuality and imagination were significantly correlated with optimal sexual satisfaction.

For example, people who reported that they savor the food they eat or actually notice the warmth of the sun on their face while out for a walk have an easier time connecting with the sensual pleasures of sex.

This approach may be especially useful for people raised as women. In particular, with regards to being mindful of the sensations on your body during routine activities such as showering. People raised as women sometimes struggle to connect with pleasure sensations, and becoming more mindful of bodily sensation in general, “can help women overcome a mind-body disconnect and improve their sexual experiences,” says Jamea.

3. Try masturbating 

Mastering masturbation may lead to better and more frequent orgasms during partnered sex because it can help you know what gets you going.

“I always encourage my clients to explore their body so they know what makes them feel good,” says Jamea.

Oftentimes, people will cut out masturbation or porn consumption, thinking it will improve their orgasms during partnered sex. However, Kennington says there is no correlation between porn consumption, masturbation, and a better orgasm during partnered sex.

Masturbation and porn consumption can, however, get in the way of having good partnered sex if people are not honest about their sexual preferences with their partners. Porn is also not a always a realistic representation of sex or masturbation as it’s a form of entertainment, not education.

This can happen if someone experiences anxiety about their sexual preferences and outsource to porn, rather than talking openly to their partners about what they want sexually. Kennington describes this type of behavior as an erotic conflict, which can strain relationships sexually — and entirely — if not addressed.

Instead of cutting out masturbation entirely to improve orgasms during partnered sex, Jamea suggests that people should practice masturbating mindfully. This often means cutting out porn and focusing on connecting with sensations and what feels good.

Masturbation can also allow people to visually show their partners what makes them climax. This helps their partners understand what feels good to them sexually and can improve future partnered sex.

Jamea says that’s partly why, same-sex couples might have less difficulty than heterosexual couples when it comes to communicating sexual needs because each partner has an inherent understanding of the other’s anatomy.

4. Focus on foreplay

Foreplay extends sexual tension during partnered sex, which can lead to more pleasurable orgasms. It is an especially important component for those with vaginas.

The vagina often produces a natural lubricant when aroused to prepare the body for penetration. Foreplay is important before penetration because this lubricant makes penetrative partnered sex more comfortable.

Foreplay can also help narrow the orgasm gap for heterosexual partners. Men usually orgasm, or finish, before women, which oftentimes ends the sexual experience. “Men usually orgasm in 2 to 10 minutes, whereas women take 15 to 30 minutes on average,” says Jamea.

While Jamea says simultaneous orgasms are not realistic for every sexual experience, she encourages both partners to be equally considerate of each other’s pleasure during sex. Spending time focusing on one another’s pleasure during foreplay is one way to boost simultaneous sexual climax.

Try having your partner stimulate your c-spot, g,spot, or P-spot manually, or with a vibrator, or perform oral sex to experience intense pleasure during foreplay to improve your orgasm.

5. Overcome performance anxiety

Performance anxiety can often get in the way of experiencing maximum pleasure during partnered sex. Performance anxiety can stem from an insecurity about one’s sexual performance, body image, or how they think their partner feels about them sexually. This type of anxiety can result in those with penises ejaculating too quickly or not at all.

Often, people experience performance anxiety because they fixate solely on reaching orgasm for themselves or a partner, says Kennington, rather than focusing on what feels good during sex.

Focusing on the sensual pleasure of the experience during partnered sex, rather than achieving an orgasm, can help improve sexual experiences.

6. Try edging

Edging is the practice of ending sexual stimulation right as you are about to orgasm, waiting, and then beginning stimulation again to control the timing of your orgasm.

“Both the loss of control and the stimulation of a man’s penis either orally or manually over and over again can make an orgasm intensely pleasurable,” says Kennington. He says that for those with clitorises , edging serves the same purpose.

Communication between partners is important during edging so one can let the other know when they’re about to reach orgasm. Also, it can be important for partners to talk about the length of time they want to continue edging during sex. This will help both partners have a more enjoyable experience by making sure they have the same expectations.

7. Discuss sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies are the arousing, erotic mental images we conjure up in our heads. While people can feel ashamed of these thoughts, daydreaming about sex is completely normal and even healthy.

Bringing up — and acting out — sexual fantasies can be an exciting way to spice up your sex life with a partner. Talking about sexual fantasies will help build desire for and with a partner, says Kennington, which is one of the most important factors of great sex.

Try talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies inside the bedroom as well as outside it. Just make sure to discuss boundaries and establish consent before engaging in any sexual behavior.

Learn more about how to approach your partner with a sexual fantasy with these tips.

8. Do kegels

Kegels are exercises that help strengthen pelvic floor muscles. “The more the pelvic floor muscles are strong and healthy, typically the better orgasms people will have,” says Jamea. Strong pelvic floor muscles can lead to more intense orgasms for everyone, not just those with vaginas.

Jamea recommends kegel exercises for people that ejaculate too quickly during partnered sex. Oftentimes, premature ejaculation, or quick orgasms, happen because the pelvic floor muscles are too tight. Doing these exercises can help people learn to relax these muscles during sex and therefore, have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

Before practicing kegels, it’s best to visit a pelvic physical therapist. They can help you determine what is safe and necessary for your body.

Learn more about the other health benefits of kegel exercises and how to do them.

Why can’t I orgasm?

“People struggle to reach orgasm if they have a hard time connecting with pleasure during a sexual experience,” says Jamea. This can happen for many reasons including a conflict in the relationship, poor body image, or difficulty connecting to one’s sensations during sex.

Kennington says there is no go-to position to guarantee an orgasm. He says, “positions are like brushstrokes, it all depends on the artist and the canvas.” The best thing you can do to have great orgasms is to learn about what works for you and for you and a partner sexually.

Both experts agree that in relationships, it is important each partner’s pleasure gets equal focus. However, this may not always result in an orgasm. Every person has a unique idea about what makes them feel satisfied sexually. It is important to have an ongoing and open dialogue with your partner about their sexual interests to maintain a healthy relationship.

As people age, natural changes can occur that can affect a person’s ability to orgasm. For example, menopause causes changes in vaginal walls which leads to a decreased production of natural lubrication. This can make vaginal sex uncomfortable and an extra lubricant might be needed to have a more enjoyable experience.

If you are concerned about libido or problems with your sex life, talk to your doctor. Many times there are medications or treatment plans that can help.

If you have never had an orgasm or are have had one in the past and are now having difficulty, consider reaching out to a certified sex therapist. They can work with you to identify potential sources — physical or psychological — that are causing this issue.

The bottom line

Open communication with your partner about sexual boundaries and interests is essential for a healthy sex life in relationships. “The platinum rule when it comes to sex and pleasure is to never have sex you don’t want to have,” says Kennington. This way, each partner can always and only engage in sex where they feel secure, thereby focusing on maximizing their pleasure.

Talking to your partner about what you want sexually can be a really un-sexy conversation. But,  this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, says Kennington. He suggests treating conversations about sex and pleasure like any other conversation. “What would you do if you have a culinary interest and your partner is a chef? You would tell them you want a steak and how you want it cooked.” Kennington says. The same goes for sex — communicate your desires and needs.

When it comes to planning this talk, Jamea says the best time to have it is at the kitchen table, rather than the bedroom. This way, you can address your partner in a non-threatening way. Right after sex, they may feel vulnerable, making it a less than ideal time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is A Sleep Divorce?

+ Why You May Want One

by Abby Moore

Moving in with a partner is an exciting step in most relationships, but it does require an adjustment period. For some couples, sharing a bed is one of the hardest parts to get used to. Not only does it create a total lack of privacy, but snoring, different bedtimes, and blanket-hogging can disrupt sleep quality. So, what’s the solution?

Many couples opt for a sleep divorce to promote overall sleep quality, decrease conflict, and have their own space. Sleeping in separate bedrooms is often seen as a sign of an unhealthy or troubled relationship—but it may actually be just the opposite.

A sleep divorce occurs when partners live together but choose to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms to get better sleep. “Unlike when a partner decides to sleep elsewhere for a single night or accidentally falls asleep on the couch, a sleep divorce happens when couples make a clear decision to break sleeping ties for the foreseeable future,” says relationship therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT.

Sleep divorce agreements can be long term or temporary, depending on the situation. For example, some couples sleep together the majority of the year but separate throughout a pregnancy or an illness.

Why you may want to sleep apart.

Studies show sleeping apart can improve the overall mental and physical health of each partner.

“Over time, some partners find it difficult to get good rest with their partner lying beside them,” Cullins says. Common problems that may initiate a sleep divorce include:

  • Snoring and other breathing issues, like sleep apnea.
  • Hogging pillows and blankets
  • Sleeping diagonally or taking up too much space.
  • Tossing and turning due to restlessness.
  • Late-night TV watching or social media scrolling.
  • Different sleep schedules.
  • Being a light sleeper.

“Another less talked about reason some partners ask for a sleep divorce is a lack of sexual desire or connection,” Cullins says. “When one partner doesn’t crave physical intimacy and fears their partner may proposition them for cuddling or sex, they may choose to proactively sleep in a different space to avoid the unwanted requests.”

How to bring it up with your partner.

Broaching the subject of a sleep divorce can be tricky. It may come off the wrong way and offend your partner, but proper sleep is critical for personal health and the health of the relationship.

When bringing it up, sex educator and marriage therapist Lexx Brown-James, Ph.D., LMFT, says to reassure your partner they’re wanted and loved: “Intimacy can still be had. It’s just for sleep and rest.” It may also be helpful to track your sleep patterns on a fitness tracker or app for one to two weeks and then journal about your sleep experience.

“Be as honest as possible, and include any connections you see between lack of rest and strained interactions between you and your partner,” Cullins says. “Approach any discussion about sleeping apart with sincerity and care. Let your partner know that you’ve put some serious thought into your request, and be willing to share your sleep logs or journal with them.”

Keep in mind, while you’ve had time to process the potential change, your partner hasn’t. Be patient as they think through the decision. “In the end, you may have to compromise by sleeping apart on some designated nights of the week while agreeing to sleep together on some nights,” Cullins says.

Tips for keeping intimacy alive.

If you both agree to sleep apart, make a plan to maintain physical intimacy outside of the bedroom. Asking your partner what turns them on and how they like sex to be initiated can be the key to doing this, Brown-James says. Giving your partner sexual context clues can also help get them in the mood.

“Remember, intimacy is not necessarily full-on intercourse,” Brown-James says. “Intimacy can be body rubbing, sexting from another room, using pleasure-enhancing devices, and simple things like specific pleasurable touch.”

Sleep divorce is not for everyone. In fact, some studies have shown people do sleep better with a partner (or at least their scent). However, if sharing a bed is beginning to interfere with your quality of sleep, it may be worth considering.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Am I Bisexual?’

18 Signs According To Experts

Everyone’s journey is different, but…

By Gabrielle Kassel

Your sexuality is *not* like your love language or Myers Briggs type, so you can’t expect an online quiz to answer a question like: “Am I bisexual?”

But how do you know if you’re bisexual? There are no-tell tale signs or giveaways. “Everyone comes into their bisexuality at different times and in different ways,” says bisexual queer sex educator Lisa Finn brand manager and queer sex educator at sex-toy emporium Babeland. (Read more: So What Does It Mean To Be Bisexual, Exactly?)

If you’re wondering if you might be bisexual, though, you’re probably looking for a little more guidance than that. That’s why we talked to sexuality professionals and self-identifying bisexuals to round up a list of ways to explore and gain insight on your (bi)sexuality.

Wait, what’s the definition of bisexual?

Before you can identify something, you probably need to know what it means. Right? Right!

Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta explains: Traditionally, bisexuality was used to describe attraction to both men and women, but as our understanding of gender has become more expansive, the definition of bisexuality has expanded, too.

Nowadays, “bisexuality is defined as the sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own,” she says.

Amanda, 36, Orlando says, “For a long time I didn’t identify as bisexual because I was scared of invalidating my non-binary partner’s identity.” It wasn’t until she took the time to read The Bisexuality Manifesto that she felt comfortable embracing the term.

First published in 1990 in a news periodical dedicated to the bisexual community, Anything That Moves, the manifesto explicitly states: “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.” (Read it in full for even more affirming, myth-busting nuggets).

Learn more about pansexuality

When you’re exploring your sexuality, learning about all the different labels available can be helpful.

“If you’re exploring your identity, you can always try out the ‘pansexual’ label for a bit, and then switch to the ‘bisexual’ label if it doesn’t fit,” says sexologist and Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual advocate and founder of shop Bi Girls Club. Ditto for the reverse. Or you can end up using both. (Bisexuality and pansexuality are *not* mutually exclusive!)

ICYWW: “The difference between bisexual and pansexual is that a pansexual individual is sexually and/or romantically attracted to any and all genders while a bisexual person is attracted to multiple genders,” says Hall.

Now, here are some signs you could be bisexual, along with a couple myths. Remember: Everyone is different, but hopefully these experiences and tips can offer some guidance.

1. You’re evolving

“Sexuality can change over our lifetime,” says Hall. “So, a person who identified as straight can discover they have a sexual attraction to other genders in their 40s.”

Personally, after identifying as a lesbian for the first 23 years of my life, when I was 24, I discovered that I’m also attracted to cis-men. Does that mean I lied when I first came out? Nope! It just means my sexuality evolved. (Related: What Does It Actually Mean To Be Sexually Fluid?)

2. Bisexuality doesn’t have a #lewk

Despite the fact that it’s the 21st century, people still love to spew nonsense like “you don’t look bisexual” or “you’re too pretty to be bisexual.” Eek. So, here’s your friendly reminder that no sexuality has a uniform or mandated aesthetic.

“Your gender identity or presentation doesn’t have anything to do with your sexuality,” says Finn. “You can present femininely, androgynously, masculinely, or any other way, and be bi.”

3. You just have a feeling

Sometimes your bisexuality just hits you. Such was the case for Michelle, 27, OR. “While I’d known for a long time that I’m not straight, it didn’t occur to me to claim the title for myself.” Then, one day, she was hanging out with one of her genderqueer partners and she says, “It just hit me like: “Oh, Michelle, you’re bi. Duh!”

Other times, you just know. Sex writer Gabrielle Smith says, “I don’t have a distinctive memory of realizing my sexuality, I just always kinda knew.”

4. Don’t look at your sexual CV for confirmation

“You don’t need to sleep with someone of a different gender to ‘activate’ your bisexuality,” says Tawny Lara, a sexuality and sobriety expert. You can be bi no matter what your sexual CV says. K?

5. You want to branch out

That said, if there’s a bi/queer/gay cutie who wants to help you explore your sexuality, take them up on it! Olivia Zayas Ryan a femme queer bisexual writer says: “In grade school, I had one friend who was out as bi and I told her that I thought I might be bi,” says Ryan. Then, they kissed and she realized ‘Yep! I’m bi!’. Christie, 29, San Diego had a similar experience. “I kissed a girl and I realized I liked it.” Cue Katy Perry.

6. You want to try new dating apps

Just be upfront about your current experience level, suggests Noel. “Some people don’t want to put in the emotional and educational labor of helping someone become secure in their queer identity,” she says.

Ryan recommends plopping a line in your bio like: Newly out as bisexual and looking for friends or more. (PS: Lex, Hashtag Open, and Tinder are the best apps for exploring.)

7. Music videos give you some ~feels~

Really! More people than you might guess credit ~sexually explicit~ music vids to their sexual awakening. Lara, for instance, points to Lenny Kravitz’s “Again”. “I realized I was attracted to him and Gina Gershon!” And Amanda, 30, Los Angeles thanks Britney’s, “I’m A Slave 4 U” and “Toxic”. “I fell down a Britney music video rabbit hole one morning and came out of it liking girls,” she says.

These days, there are music videos with explicit queer and bisexual representation (#bless). Find them in Noel’s Instagram nominations for Best WLW Videos 2018-2019 or her Spotify playlist u don’t have to trip. If they make you tingle, noodle on that.

8. Check your YouTube history

Did you rewatch Glee’s Santana and Quinn’s first kiss on YouTube? How about Callie and Arizona’s on Grey’s Anatomy? Ryan did! “I used to rewatch queer kissing scenes on YouTube over and over and over. At the time I pretended it was because I was just really invested in the storyline.” Spoiler alert: It was more than that.

Other shows you may have found yourself doing this for include (but are not limited to): South of Nowhere, Skins, Degrassi, and The OC.

9. Your favorite movies are…

No doubt, Brokeback Mountain, Call Me By Your Name, and Dallas Buyers Club are great movies. But babes, if your list of faves also includes queer cult classics like The Runaways, Thirteen, Carol, But I’m A Cheerleader, Watermelon Woman, and Go Fish…Well, “the movies you find yourself gravitating towards are a good indication of the storylines you feel speak to your experience,” Noel says.

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10. Think about your friendships growing up

“I always had incredibly intimate, codependent, romantic, and vaguely sexual relationships with my girl best friends growing up,” says Brittany, 33, Boston. “Looking back on it, this was definitely because I was in love with them.”

Obvi, some degree of intimacy between friends is common. But the intimacy in your friendships in childhood and adulthood veers into romantic or sexual territory, it could suggest attraction.

11. There may be clues in your dating history

“I’d dated men and women on and off for a long time before realizing that there was a label that described that experience,” says Grace, 39, Maine.

Susanna, 22, Virginia had a similar experience: “I had a secret boyfriend and middle school and a secret girlfriend in high school, so once I heard the term I was like ‘OK, that’s me.”

As Finn puts it: “Sometimes we just do our thing, not realizing there’s a label associated with it.” So, if you’ve dated folks of many genders and you like the way “bisexual” feels rolling of your tongue, you’re bi! But again, this won’t apply to everyone, and you can’t always go by your history. What’s your future?

12. Think back on Tumblr habits

Tumblr was capital-T The accessible pit-stop for erotic content. “I was obsessed with the Tumblr hashtags #girlskissing and #girlsongirls growing up,” says Ryan. “It was a way for me to explore porn in a safe way.” (FYI: Tumblr banned sexually explicit content in 2018.)

Karen*, 25, Charleston also relied on Tumblr for erotic aid. “There was this one GIF with Mila Kunis that holy cow….”

13. You want to spend time in queer spaces

Spending time in queer spaces (think: gay bars, drag shows, queer dance clubs, and burlesque events) helped sex and LGBTQ+ issue journalist, Charyn Pfeuffer, embrace her bisexual identity. “Spending time in spaces where people weren’t judged for their sexuality, even if they were questioning, was affirming,” she says. “Knowing I wasn’t alone had support from like-minded people was a powerful tool in owning my authentic self.”

Tip: Follow your town’s LGBTQ Meet Up group, and when your local community’s social distancing guidelines allow, pick one or two to attend each month.

14. You’re entertaining a mixed-gender threesome

“I agreed to have a threesome with my boyfriend as some kind of birthday gift to him,” says Faith, 38, New York. “But in the middle of it, I realized I actually wanted to have sex with the girl more than my boyfriend.” After the third time that happened, “it just kind of dawned on me that I really like girls, too.”

Of course, if you’ve had a mixed-gender threesome and didn’t like it, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not bisexual! There are plenty of reasons beyond the gender-combinations that a threesome can flop.

15. Enjoy some (ethical) porn

“Porn was definitely helpful in helping me understand my sexuality,” Noel says. And according to Finn, this is a common experience. But Noel notes, “porn also negatively impacted my sexuality and understanding of what is beautiful.”

Finn’s recommendation: If it’s accessible to you, pay for your porn. Why? Because porn platforms you pay for generally respect and compensate their talent more than free ones. FourChambers, CrashPad, Bellesa, and Math Magazine are good options. “Take the time to explore different categories and take note of what turns you on,” she suggests.

16. You’re ready to become a bisexual scholar

Hey bookworms, check out:

Why? Because as Noel puts it: “Seeing yourself represented between the pages of a book can be helpful for understanding your own identity.”

17. Reflect on biphobic messages you might have received

“I grew up in a super conservative family where I was taught and that being gay or bisexual is an abomination,” says Hannah, 26, Houston. “It wasn’t until I went away to college and began to unlearn some of the biphobic teachings I’d been taught that I realized I was bisexual.”

Some common biphobic myths include: That bisexual folks are greedy, indecisive, or just going through a phase. UGH. Unpacking and working through internalized biphobia is no walk in the park. “It can create feelings of shame,” says Finn. Unburdening yourself from those toxic learnings may make you feel more comfortable exploring your sexuality. If you grew up in a sex-negative household, consider working with a queer-inclusive therapist, if it’s financially accessible to you.

18. Ask yourself ‘Why am I reading this?’

Sure, it’s entirely possible that you’re reading this article to get insight for a bi-curious BFF. But if you Googled “am I bi?” or “signs I’m bi,” odds are good you’re not straight. As Noel puts it, “I’ve yet to meet someone straight who Googled [those questions] who ended up not being bisexual or queer or pan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are Sex Breaks the New Lunch Break?

In these WFH times, experts say a midday quickie can actually boost focus and productivity while lowering stress levels.

By Allison Hope

It’s no secret that working from home is taking its toll. We’re feeling sluggish and overwhelmed, and, in many cases, trying not to lose our shit at our partners while trapped in a small space.

But some have found a new method of busting stress and boosting pleasure during these times: Workday sex breaks. After all, why reserve sex for nighttime when there’s no office to commute home from?

“I highly recommend skipping lunch and having sex instead,” says Kelly N., 25, from Bristol, England, who works in marketing. She says she’s been enjoying sex one to two times a day with her live-in partner to break up the workday since COVID hit. “It really transforms your working day and helps you find some separation if you’re cooped up and working from home,” she says.

Kelly is far from alone in squeezing sex in between Zoom calls.

Kate, 27, who lives in Indianapolis and runs a sex toy and advice website with her husband, has workday sex once a week with hubby and once a week by herself. “There’s something that I love about having just been on a conference call, then having sex with my husband, and going back to work with none of my coworkers knowing the secretive fun I just had on my lunch break. There’s something that feels sneaky about workday sex and it’s part of my sexuality to enjoy that,” she says.

Sex during the workday can also be a solution to end-of-the-day exhaustion that sucks some of the fun out of it. Fatima T., 31, from Florida, says that daily sex with her husband during the day is just easier. Shifting work schedules and kids make nighttime sex less plausible, plus, “I’ve noticed things go a lot smoother when I’ve had sex with my husband during the day. I’m more focused on tasks as well,” she says.

Workday sexcapades are not an anomaly. In fact, even before COVID-19 hit, roughly one out of every five work-from-homers were dipping into lunchbreak sex. And that number has likely skyrocketed: Pre-pandemic, just 4% of us worked from home; now, it’s about a third of Americans.

Michigan-based sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW, says an increase in daytime sex is an emerging trend with her clients and colleagues since COVID forced us home. “But this is taking many forms; it’s not just married couples having a midday quickie. I’m also hearing a lot more about masturbation happening during the workday — occasionally even during meetings, when one is listening in but muted/off-screen,” she says. (More later on why that’s not the greatest idea.)

Goerlich is also seeing frustrations from people who had to sever their in-office affairs when work-from-home became the norm. “This pandemic has resulted both in significantly more sexual activity ‘in the workplace’ as well as a somewhat ironic decrease in office rendezvous as well,” she says.

But workday sex during COVID isn’t just a welcome distraction from the hum-drum of conference calls and a pandemic. It’s also a way to boost productivity and work performance, whether you’re pushing numbers, words, or crafting code for a living.

“Orgasm can relax you, allow you to think clearer and boost your mood for the day,” says certified sexologist Shan Boodram.

Ro Sanchez, 45, an intimacy coach based in Ohio, engages in sexual activities during the workday daily virtually via chat, sexting, and videos. “I can honestly say that having sex during the workday enhances both my productivity and mental health,” she says. “After work sex, I am more assertive and confident which helps come across in my Zoom meetings, pitch presentations, and consults. It’s easier to focus on my goals for the day mainly because of the stress and anxiety relief as an instant result from the release of endorphins.”

The health benefits of having sex aren’t just happenstance; they are well documented. “Sex is a mood lifter. It relieves stress, boosts immunity, and helps foster a deeper sense of intimacy in relationships,” says ob-gyn Alyse Kelly-Jones, M.D., of Novant Health Women’s Sexual Health & Wellness in Charlotte, North Carolina.

If you are going to engage, just be sure to plan scheduled breaks. Embrace the old-school concept of the lunch hour quickie, rather than engaging in sexual activity while you are officially ‘on the clock’, says Goerlich. She also recommends some common-sense guidelines to live by if you are engaging in workday shenanigans to mitigate the potential risk of getting caught with your pants down.

First up: Don’t masturbate during meetings (that would still meet the definition of sexual harassment were you to be caught) and don’t send explicit messages/photos through company-owned technology. Bottom line: Better safe than sorry seems to be the mantra when it comes to safe workday sex practices.

Brooklyn-based columnist Zach Zane doesn’t care if his employees have sex on the clock. “I see no reason why it would be an issue as long as you’re getting your work done and don’t take that much time having workday sex. Your breaktime is your time. You can spend 20 minutes masturbating or you can spend 20 minutes scrolling through Instagram. There really is no difference. (Besides, I’d argue scrolling through Instagram is mental masturbation.),” he says.

Lanae St. John, a board-certified sexologist based in San Francisco who previously worked in HR, agrees that employers shouldn’t have any reason to go after employees who opt for coitus over coffee breaks. “Folks take smoke breaks and feel zero guilt for that. Sex is a much healthier habit than smoking. All the employer really cares about is that customers are taken care of professionally and tasks are done on time.” (Of course, you’re asking for trouble if you brag about your workday sexcapades to your coworkers on Slack. Just don’t do it.)

Sex during the workday may last as long as the pandemic does, or perhaps it’s an uptick in a new reflex that’s here to stay as more people work from home long-term. While not without some risks, it seems a slice of workday sex — either with a partner or yourself — could bring more good than harm.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Reasons Women Don’t Enjoy Sex

— and How to Fix Them

From low libido to painful sex, help is available

According to Hollywood rom-coms, you should want to get hot and heavy with your partner every chance you get. But for some women, sex isn’t all that.

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There are many reasons you might not be into it, says women’s health specialist Pelin Batur, MD. Intercourse might hurt. You might have trouble reaching a climax. Or your libido might be taking an extended slumber.

Whatever the reason, you don’t have to grin and bear it. “Your sexual health is important, and you should know you have options,” Dr. Batur says.

Up-and-down sex drives

Sex drives exist on a spectrum from “More, please,” to “Meh.” And your own sex drive is likely to cycle up and down, depending on factors like hormones, stress, relationship issues, and whether you’re dating someone new or climbing into bed with your partner of 20 years.

“Sex drives have a gas pedal and a brake pedal, and the speed is going to vary throughout your life,” Dr. Batur says.

If you’re happy with the quality and quantity of your sex life, stop right there. You don’t need to get more action unless you want to. But if you want to? Here are some common problems that might be holding you back.

1. Stress

Stress can do a number on your libido, Dr. Batur says. If you’re being pulled in a million directions — or if a global pandemic has cranked your stress level to 10 — it’s no wonder a roll in the sheets isn’t at the top of your to-do list.

“Ask yourself how vacation sex would be,” she says. “If your sex life is great on vacation, then it’s probably stress, rather than a medical problem.” Finding ways to de-stress can help your sex life bounce back.

2. Pain

“Pain during sex is like a flashing neon sign telling you something’s wrong,” Dr. Batur says. Common causes of painful sex include:

  • Pelvic floor dysfunction: This common condition occurs when muscles in the base of the pelvis don’t relax normally. Women with pelvic dysfunction often have painful intercourse. Physical therapy and biofeedback treatment can help correct the problem.
  • Hormonal changes: Changing levels of estrogen and testosterone can lead to painful sex. Women who are breastfeeding or entering menopause may have hormonal changes that cause vaginal dryness and a burning sensation with intercourse. In some cases, hormonal treatments can correct the problem. A good lube can also come in handy.
  • Other medical causes: There are other possible causes of vaginal pain, including infections and endometriosis. “Depending on the problem, you might want to see a certified menopause specialist or a specialist in sexual health to get to the bottom of it,” Dr. Batur says.

3. Psychological causes

“Underlying anxiety or depression can get in the way of your sex drive,” Dr. Batur notes. Issues such as relationship troubles or a history of sexual trauma can also affect your interest in physical intimacy.

In such cases, a mental health professional can help you work through the underlying difficulties.

4. Low libido

Sometimes, a sluggish sex drive is a matter of mindset. “A lot of women have what’s known as responsive desire — you might not be that interested in initiating sex, but once you get into it, you realize, ‘Hey, this is fun,’” Dr. Batur says. “Sometimes, you just need to go with the flow and let your brain catch up.”

But sometimes, it’s not enough to fake it till you make it. Some women have a low sex drive in the absence of any other underlying problem. This is called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Another term that’s used is female sexual interest/arousal disorder. Your doctor can prescribe medications that can help put you in the mood.

5. Trouble with arousal and orgasm

If sex just doesn’t feel great, start with a refresher course in sex ed, Dr. Batur explains. “Lots of women think they should be able to climax with intercourse, but many — maybe even most — women need external stimulation to reach orgasm.”

Try shaking things up or adding some toys to your routine. Dr. Batur explains, “Lots of women bring vibrators into the bedroom. There’s no shame in that game.”

If that doesn’t work, there are treatments to help increase arousal, including prescription medications, hormones, and topical oils and creams.

Sexual health: Talk to your doctor

Low libido, arousal problems and painful sex are all-too-common problems. It might feel awkward to bring it up with your doctor, but she won’t even flinch, Dr. Batur says. “It may be a sensitive subject for you, but your Ob/Gyn or women’s health specialist has probably talked to four other women about it just this morning,” she adds.

Don’t expect to solve the problem in a few minutes during your annual exam, though. You might need to schedule a dedicated appointment to discuss your sexual health history and figure out the problem. Depending on the issue, your doctor may refer you to a specialist. But any initial awkwardness will be worth the effort, Dr. Batur says. “Sex is an important part of your life, and you deserve good sexual health.”

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5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Health Alert:

Some penis microbes may increase the risk of vaginal infections after penetrative sex

by Julia Naftulin

  • A new study found that 10 types of bacteria found on men’s penises were predictors in whether their female partners developed bacterial vaginosis.
  • Bacterial vaginosis is a vaginal infection that affects 1 in 3 women. Experts are unsure what exactly causes bacterial vaginosis.
  • The researchers said that their study suggests men’s sexual health and women’s are inextricably linked, and that heterosexual couples should work together to promote each other’s sexual wellbeing.

Women may have a higher risk of vaginal bacterial infection after penetrative sex with men, depending on the type of microbiota on their partner’s penis, a study has found.

Bacterial vaginosis is a type of vaginal bacterial infection that affects 1 in 3 women, but, according to the CDC, health experts are still unsure what causes it.

For the study, University of Illinois at Chicago researchers looked at 168 heterosexual couples in Kenya over a year. Just over half (56%) of the men they studied had circumcised penises, and circumcision status can affect the amount and types of bacteria on a penis.

None of the women had bacterial vaginosis at the start of the study. The researchers found that 31% of the women in the study developed bacterial vaginosis during the year-long trial.

In addition to testing the bacteria in the women’s vaginas, they also examined each man’s penile microbiota during the initial screening and three follow-up appointments.

The researchers concluded that the men were a defining factor in the women’s risk of infection. They identified 10 species of penile bacteria that appeared to increase a woman’s risk of BV. The men who carried on their penis one or more of the 10 species, his female partner was more likely to develop bacterial vaginosis.

Men should be involved in women’s reproductive health

The study’s findings don’t mean a man’s penis causes bacterial vaginosis in women, according to Dr. Supriya Mehta, lead study author and an epidemiologist at University of Illinois at Chicago.

But his team’s findings suggest male and female sexual health are inextricably linked, especially for heterosexual couples.

“I would like for clinicians, researchers, and the public to be inclusive of male sex partners in their efforts to improve women’s reproductive health,” Mehta said in a statement. “Not to place directionality or blame on one partner or another, but to increase the options and opportunity for improved reproductive health, and hopefully reduce stigma from BV.”

There were caveats to this study. Only 46% of the 168 couples attended all four doctor’s office visits during the year-long trial, so the researchers have incomplete data for some couples, which could cause skewed results. Additionally, the researchers looked at a small sample of only Kenyan couples who were heterosexual, so the results may not be applicable on a universal scale, across countries, cultures, and sexualities.

Mehta said more research should be done to determine how men can look after their own genital health to protect the genital health of women with whom they’re sexually active.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Guide To BDSM Aftercare

Rule 1: It’s not just for subs.

By Alexis Jones

Before we get into BDSM aftercare, let’s set the record straight about the sex practice as a whole. Yes, BDSM stands for bondage discipline and sadomasochism, but it isn’t the violent and harmful sort of kink that pop culture and society have made it out to be.

“It’s mostly about sensations—sensory play and or power play,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, of The Intimacy Institute and resident sexologist for Adam and Eve. How does it work, though? Well, couples typically will start by having a conversation about the type of BDSM they’d like to try. Then, they’ll make up a game plan (think: who will be dominant and who will be submissive), which includes talking about their needs, desires, and boundaries, and agree on a safe word. After that, they’ll co-create a play script or ritual that works for both of them, she explains.

“In the terms of agreement, safety and consensus are key,” Sklyer says. Another must? Aftercare. That literally means taking care of one another, emotionally and sometimes physically, after sex depending on what type of play occurred. Remember: BDSM can be emotionally and physically draining. Aftercare (yes, both for doms and subs!), is an important part of healthy BDSM.

Below is everything you need to know about BDSM aftercare, so that you and your partner can both get what you need from the experience.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the physical and/or the emotional care-taking that occurs after a sexual encounter, and more specifically a BDSM encounter. Most BDSM experiences involve adopting fantasy roles, so aftercare is the time for partners to bring each other back to reality and readopt their day-to-day roles with one another. Think of it as reseting your equilibrium, Skyler explains. Though the play portion of the experience might be over, it’s not really over until the aftercare happens.

“If there’s a lot of physical pain play, for instance,” says Skyler, partners might want to be cuddled or wrapped in a blanket, or they might want a warm meal or water. But usually, aftercare involves reflective conversation. This is the opportunity for partners to be vulnerable with each other, debrief, and zero in on each other’s emotional needs.

Questions might look like this:

  • How did that go for you?
  • Did we need to use a safe word? If so, why?
  • Where was the boundary that got hit?
  • Was something triggered or activated?
  • If you didn’t use a safe word, how did it go for each person?
  • What was really exciting?
  • What was safe?
  • What do we want to keep as part of our repertoire?
  • What would we want to ditch for the next time?

Who needs aftercare?

Oftentimes it’s the submissive who needs a little extra aftercare, according to Skyler. But it’s important for aftercare to go both ways. Just like it may be difficult or draining for the submissive to be in a powerless position in which they may have been blindfolded or had to beg, it might have been hard on the dominant partner to, say, yell or humiliate their partner (if that’s the type of power-play that was agreed on) and adopt a nature they don’t typically embrace outside of the bedroom.

Is the drop a real thing?

Yes! BDSM kicks up a ton of adrenaline into your system and when the play is done, that adrenaline literally plummets and there’s this sort of undeniable fatigue, Skyler explains, a.k.a the drop.

She compares it to running a marathon. “You get all your adrenaline going and you get to the finish line, then you kind of collapse at the end,” Skyler explains. All the attention to detail, physicality, and focus built up during the play eventually has to come to an end, right? When it does, all the energy in the body will experience a significant slump. That’s why aftercare is so important. These acts of self care and support will bring your body back to “normal” by reestablishing balance.

Gotcha, now what does aftercare look like exactly?

Aftercare is personal to each person, but overall, it involves anything that will simply make partners feel good. Following the all-important conversation about how the sex play made you feel, partners might do things to continue supporting one another and reset the nervous system, says Skyler.

The list of aftercare activities can look something like this:

  • Have a bath
  • Spend time alone
  • Drink a cup of tea
  • Get a good night’s sleep
  • Get wrapped up tight in a blanket
  • Cuddle with a partner
  • Take a refreshing walk outside
  • Watch a movie
  • Cuddle with pets
  • Journal
  • Reflect together

Should I follow up after the aftercare?

Depends. Sometimes partners will be ready to process everything immediately following the sexual BDSM encounter, while other times, partners will need a day or two to reflect on what they liked and didn’t like before talking it out. In other cases, partners might want both because they remembered something they really enjoyed about the sex play that they forgot to mention or they just want to double check on their partner.

Sometimes the aftercare follow-up involves a third party. When partners are struggling to do aftercare and reflect on what went well, what didn’t go well, and find out what the right mix is together, they might want to consider bringing in another person in a therapeutic setting, Skyler explains. But ultimately she warns: “It’s not smart to play, unless you know how to communicate about the play.” So before you jump into your next BDSM experience, make sure you’re willing to engage in aftercare. Remember: A little TLC never hurt anybody.

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9 Ways Non-Monogamous People Are Dealing With the Pandemic

Communication, communication, communication.

By Gabrielle Smith

So. This pandemic thing sucks. We’ve been asked to sacrifice a lot for our personal safety and the collective good, like shrinking down our IRL social circles and quieting our social calendars. But that’s okay! It’s clearly all for a very important reason. Even so, there’s no denying the many impacts the pandemic has had on our romantic relationships. Sure, people are finding ways to deal. Some are doing virtual date nights. Another potential solution is to shack up with a partner—but what do you do when you have more than one?

I’m polyamorous, falling under the incredibly wide umbrella of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). As a solo-polyamorous person, I choose not to live with any partners or exert innate hierarchies in my relationships (meaning I don’t rank my partners as primary, secondary, etc.). Like many others, I was isolated from my partner at the beginning of the pandemic. I can assure you, it wasn’t fun. Now, five months after the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic, non-monogamous folks are still figuring out how to navigate this new way of life.

Within that attempt to adapt, non-monogamous folks are running into alternative difficulties, some that folks who date monogamously don’t really have to worry about. So how are non-monogamous folks dealing in these unprecedented times? Here’s how various people in the ENM community are dealing with some of the many challenges COVID-19 has created:

1. We’re now discussing COVID-19 concerns as part of our normal safety precautions.

Discussion about safety and risk, especially around transmittable diseases, isn’t new to the ENM community. Research has found that compared to monogamous folk, ethically non-monogamous people tend to be more likely to be responsible concerning condom usage and STI screening. And we talk about it with each other: When it comes to fluid bonding with new partners (meaning, having unprotected sex), explicit boundaries, communication, and STI testing are all very important.

So it’s no surprise that for many of us, our communication now extends to COVID-19 risk behaviors. On top of everything we typically take into consideration when seeing our partners and introducing new ones, now everyone has to consider who they’re breathing on. Just as we ask questions like, “How many partners have you had recently?” or “Are you engaging in risky sexual activity?” we’re now also asking questions like, “Okay, exactly how many people are you around in the average week?” or “Are you following best practices to prevent the spread of the coronavirus?”

Admittedly, it can feel more intrusive than usual, but it’s worth it. “It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable being the one asking very thorough questions regarding safety and social distancing, but I’d rather be safe than sorry,” Sharon R., 26, from Long Island, tells SELF. “The way someone responds to me tells me a lot about them. It can help me decide whether we might be a good match or not.”

2. Some folks are forming poly-bubbles.

Just like some folks formed “quarantine pods” to still see important loved ones while otherwise practicing social distancing, some polyamorous people are negotiating how to keep up with multiple partnerships via poly-bubbles. Those who already practiced “kitchen table” polyamory—where partners and metamours (your lover’s lover) are all friendly and spend time together—are particularly well-suited for this.

I ended up forming a poly-bubble of sorts with my polycule, simply because it made sense for us logistically. With a collective understanding of each individual’s boundaries, we make sure to address what we jokingly call “the committee” before making moves that may put others at risk. Our rules are mostly to lower exposure: wearing masks when we are in public, riding in car shares with the windows open, and requiring new partners to get COVID-19 tested before swapping spit, just to name a few examples.

3. Many are feeling the emotional toll of supporting multiple partners.

Obviously, life has changed drastically for many of us. With that comes immense emotional turmoil. Those with multiple partners may find themselves acting as a pillar of support for each and every partner. It’s hard to sustain. “For someone who already plays a compassionate role, there’s a lot of compassion fatigue,” Alex V., a 34-year-old, from New York, tells SELF. “The way I cope is to remind myself and others that this is only temporary. Some people have a hard time seeing through the day-to-day and find it stifling or tiresome. Feeling isolated plays with your feelings.”

4. We’ve had to recalibrate our relationships in response to COVID-19.

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced a lot of us to have difficult conversations about our partnerships. Incompatible lifestyles, at-risk activity, and different levels of vulnerability to the disease are keeping partners apart, even as testing becomes more readily available in some areas. Some of these conversations are revealing hierarchies within previously equal relationships. For example, partners might start to feel more or less prioritized thanks to the logistics of the pandemic. This fact has even caused some couples to split because they never agreed to hierarchical terms, like the couples writer Zachary Zane explored in this piece for NewNowNext.

That said, one of the nice things about non-monogamy is that relationships can be fluid more easily. It’s not uncommon for relationships to transition from serious to casual, or from romantic to platonic. Some people are putting their relationships “on the shelf” until the pandemic is over, or choosing to stay digital because they have different lifestyles despite proximity.

5. Folks are getting creative due to long-term separation.

Abiding by quarantine and social distancing is pretty much a hallmark of pandemic relationship struggles. As SELF previously reported, some polyamorous people who are quarantined with their partners are facing some logistical challenges. “I’m quarantined with my primary partner in a studio apartment, so maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend who lives elsewhere has been awkward,” Wendy X., 26, from Charleston, told SELF. “Normally we’d go out together or meet at her place, and I don’t want to make my partner sit through my FaceTime dates. So for now, we mostly text and talk on G-Chat, and video call when my partner is in the shower or at the store.”

Established partners aren’t the only ones dealing with logistical troubles, either. Dorita L., a 26-year-old from Ottawa, tells SELF that she began seeing a new partner after the pandemic began. Because her partner is immunocompromised, they had to be extra careful. “We found creative ways to date, get to know each other, and even have some fun all while maintaining social and physical distance,” she says. “[For] our first ‘romantic date’ we chose a restaurant, then each called said restaurant to order a meal for the other person without disclosing what we ordered. Our food arrived around the same time so we could share the meal together [on video chat]. It was fun to surprise each other with our meal choices and a good way to learn more about each other’s likes and dislikes.”

6. Many are putting emotional connection in the front seat.

Since it’s currently unwise to partake in hook-up culture like some of us are used to, emotional connections are flourishing. “I met one of my current partners right before our state shut down in March, so most of our dating has been done virtually,” Chloe T., a 26-year-old from Salt Lake City, tells SELF. “It was really fascinating to see how much we got to connect emotionally when direct physical intimacy wasn’t an option. Thankfully, I’ve been able to meet up with them in person a small number of times since. But having those several months in the beginning of pure emotional connection was one of the coolest polyamorous experiences I’ve had in a while.”

7. We’re asking new questions while cohabitating for pandemic purposes.

Plenty of people made the choice to move in with their partners early in the pandemic rather than face extended separation. For some, it’s required a lot of self-reflection. Ferris S., 25, from Cincinnati, has been cohabitating with their immunocompromised partner due to the pandemic and has started wondering what it means for the future of how they practice polyamory.

“I have been thinking about what it will be like when my partner and I go back to not living together and fear that we may have become semi-codependent throughout this time and will have a hard transition back to being strictly solo-poly,” they tell SELF. “I think there may be a part of me that wants to move in with him [long-term] because of how well we work together and how nice it has been, but I don’t know if I am ready to tackle that part of the jealous side of me. Like if we were bringing partners home to stay the night, would we have separate rooms? Or [would we] stay at other peoples’ houses? I also don’t know if that’s even a good idea. Just because something works doesn’t mean it’s right.”

8. More of us are connecting in online polyam communities.

Not only is this great for social distancing needs, but it’s also helping people find polyam communities who otherwise might have had a harder time. For example, cities are often hotspots for the alternative, so naturally, polyamorous communities are easy to find within them. If you live in New York or San Francisco, it’s simple to find an event like Poly Cocktails to mingle with like-minded individuals. But there’s considerably less access to free love in, say, rural areas.

However, now that online events have become the norm, non-monogamous folks from all over can come together—in whatever manner they like. More salacious members-only clubs like NSFW and Playscapes have been offering virtual play parties, offering members the opportunity to watch and share various sex acts.

9. Unsurprisingly, communication is still paramount for poly people.

This is always true for ethical non-monogamy and many of us are leaning hard on our skills. That said, just because we have practice doesn’t mean we’re not struggling, too. “Regardless of relationship structure, we’re all feeling a bit more vulnerable right now and a bit more uncertain about the future,” Morgan K., 33-year-old polyamory relationship coach from Berlin, tells SELF.

Luckily, Morgan has some advice for anyone dealing with the challenges on this list and beyond. “If we want our relationships to survive, proactive communication is a must,” she says. “We have to tell the people we love how we feel, what we’re scared about, and what we need. This is not the time to shrink, to make assumptions, or to hope they can read our minds. When radical honesty is part of our daily lives, it helps us stay solution-oriented. It offers relief and healing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 myths about male orgasms

By Julia Naftulin

  • Sexual stereotypes often lead people to question whether their sexual experiences are normal or not.
  • Myths that suggest penis size matters for sexual pleasure, blue balls can cause long-term problems, and men have to ejaculate to experience pleasure abound, but they’re scientifically inaccurate.

When it comes to sex and sexual experiences, no two are the same.

But stereotypes may cause you to believe blanket statements about sexual health and what’s “normal.”

People with penises, for example, may think their penis size affects how good they are in the bedroom, or that premature ejaculation is incurable, when neither is true.

To debunk pervasive penis and orgasm myths, Insider spoke with sexual health experts.

Myth: Penis size affects sexual satisfaction

The idea that a bigger penis is always better one has long-existed, but Brahmbatt told Insider the length and girth of a person’s member isn’t a direct reflection of how sexually satisfied they or their partner will be.

“Most guys are fine in terms of size and girth. But when they size themselves up against the adult film industry they may start having insecurities,” Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt, a urologist in Orlando, Florida, told Insider.

When a patient tells Brahmbatt penis size is a concern for them, he reminds them the average penis is 3.5 inches long when flaccid and 5.1 inches when erect.

He also said a normally healthy person, whether they fall above or below the average, shouldn’t experience lack of sexual satisfaction due to size alone. 

Myth: ‘Blue balls’ can be deadly

It’s certainly scary to see your testicles turn blue and to feel pain and discomfort in your penis.

But those sensations, which are often indicative of the condition epididymal hypertension, or “blue balls,” aren’t life-threatening or a risk for permanent damage.

Epididymal hypertension occurs when a person has “excess blood remaining in the testicles from a wave of erections not followed by ejaculation,” according to Brahmbatt.

Normally, when a man gets aroused, blood flows to the penis and testicles, and causes an erection. If the man ejaculates, the blood returns to a normal level. But if he doesn’t, blue balls can occur instead.

Brahmbatt said there’s no “cure” for blue balls. 

“Anecdotally, the quickest way to recovery appears to be ejaculation. Other ways discussed in forums include ice packs, avoiding erections, [and] exercise of some sort,” he said.

In some cases, symptoms of a more serious problem could be confused with blue balls, so its important to see a doctor if it doesn’t go away, Brahmbatt said.

Myth: Men never fake orgasms

When men reach climax, the tell-tale sign is ejaculation.

But Brahmbatt said that doesn’t exempt men from faking orgasms.

“Men can fake the sights and sounds of an orgasm. The only problem is there may be not visible ejaculate. They could, at that time, just blame it on a medication or medical problem,” Brahmbatt said.

Myth: Men can’t have more than one orgasm at a time

Some women can have consecutive orgasms during sex without any downtime. But since the majority of men ejaculate during climax, they’re less likely to experience more than one orgasm in a single sex session.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, according to Kinsey Institute sex researcher Justin Lehmiller.

The reason men typically only have one orgasm is the refractory period, or time it takes after ejaculating for the penis to become erect again.

“The length of this period is highly variable across men, but could be just a few minutes in a younger guy compared to hours (or maybe even days) in older guys,” Lehmiller wrote on his website where he shares his research findings.

But some men can orgasm without ejaculating, so for them, it’s possible to have more than one orgasm in a row since the refractory period is taken out of the equation.

In fact, a 1989 study looked at 21 men who were able to have consecutive orgasms without a refractory period.

Myth: Premature ejaculation is incurable

Premature ejaculation, or ejaculating before you or your partner would like during sex, is a common problem among men.

As Insider previously reported, 1 in 3 men have experienced premature ejaculation at some point in their lives. But it can be fixed with the help of topicals, condoms, and medications.

According to Dr. Seth Cohen, a urologist at NYU Langone Health, penis sprays and condoms from Promescent and Roman contain ingredients that temporarily desensitize the penis to prevent early onset ejaculation.

Cohen said SSRIs like Prozac, which are commonly used to treat depression, may be used off-label to delay ejaculation. These medications essentially tell your penis to hold out a bit longer.

You could also try using as-needed erectile dysfunction medications like Viagra or Cialis off-label, according to Cohen.

Myth: Men must ejaculate to be satisfied or to experience sexual pleasure

According to Brahmbatt, the need to ejaculate during sex comes down to personal preference.

“I have met men that are satisfied without having the classic signs of sex/ejaculation,” he said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Relationship Anarchy

– Examples & How To Practice

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

In 2020, viewing monogamy as the only way to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passé. Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles. In fact, a 2017 study found at least one in five people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy before. One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.

What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach “encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.

People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.

An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else. (The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)

The relationship anarchy manifesto.

The term “relationship anarchy” was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.

Love is not a limited resource. You can love multiple people without it detracting from the love that you feel for each of them. Every relationship that you have is an entirely new creation between its two (or more) parties and should be approached as such.

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement.

Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them. They are an autonomous person who can act as they wish to. Love is not a byword for bossing someone around, nor is love only real when we’re willing to compromise parts of ourselves for others.

3. Find your core set of relationship values.

Focus on what you want and need when it comes to how you will treat and be treated by others. Don’t be tempted to compromise on your inner values in order to try to keep a relationship that no longer serves you.

4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.

Be mindful of the way in which heterosexism (the assumption that heterosexuality is the only correct, moral, and desirable way to organize relationships) can corrupt your ideas about what is acceptable within relationships. Stay aware of the assumptions you hold about what gender means with relation to love and work to untangle them.

5. Build for the lovely and unexpected.

Be spontaneous in your connections. Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”

6. Fake it till you make it.

Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work. Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb. Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.

Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you. When we approach our relationships with a bedrock of trust, we do not engage in validation-seeking behaviors that can drive unions apart.

8. Change through communication.

Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s). Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel. Communication must be enacted at every step along the way in order to establish how things will function, not just when there are problems to solve. Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.

9. Customize your commitments.

Do you want to have children together but never move in together? Do you want to get married but never have children? Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners? Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen. You don’t have to travel along the accepted “relationship escalator” of dating exclusively, moving in, getting married, and having children.

Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.

A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition. While the majority of relationship anarchists are nonmonogamous and therefore have (or wish to have) sexual and/or emotional bonds with more than one person at a time, Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.

“I do believe that someone can choose to be sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist,” Winston explains. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life.”

Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.

How relationship anarchy works in practice.

It’s not really possible to give an outline of what the average relationship anarchist’s life might look like. “Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.

She continues, “A lot of people hear the word ‘anarchy’ and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships. It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”

That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is “strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one’s feelings/needs in a direct way. If someone struggles with compassionately considering other people’s perspectives or feels guilt when expressing their own feelings/needs, they likely have some personal growth work to do before being optimally ready for sustaining healthy relationships in the context of RA.”

While it’s impossible to identify an “average” relationship anarchist, some of the ways in which it might look to live an RA lifestyle are to live with a mix of romantic and platonic life partners who are all equally responsible for maintaining the household and making big life decisions. Or to have two romantic partners who aren’t given more time and precedence in one’s life than one’s platonic friends. It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers. In short, the sky’s the limit.

When people think of the word “anarchy,” they imagine a lawless and chaotic state of order, but “contrary to common misconceptions, relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people’s feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries,” says Dow.

Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out. “It’s not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships,” cautions Winston. Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchy will not solve problems you have in your current relationship.

In an interview with Autostraddle, Josie Kearns, a queer woman with a wife and a girlfriend, explains her approach to relationship anarchy like this:

“To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pornography has been linked to easier, better orgasms in women

This study has linked female porn consumption to orgasms that are easier to achieve and more satisfying during both masturbation and partnered sex.

A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes in women.

By Jaimee Bell

  • A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes for women.
  • Researchers had 2,433 women complete an anonymous survey in which they provided both demographic information and completed several assessments related to their sex lives. Both masturbation and partnered sex were taken into account.
  • Studies like this can alter misconceptions about how porn impacts our relationships.

A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes in women. In fact, according to this new research, the use of pornography among women is associated with several positive outcomes including better orgasms that are easier to achieve.

“In this particular study, we examined whether frequency of pornography use during masturbation can predict sexual response outcomes such as difficulty reaching orgasm, latency to orgasm, and orgasmic pleasure during both masturbation and partnered sex,” explains study author Sean M. McNabney.

Will watching porn really make your sex life better?

In this study, researchers had 2,433 women from the United States and Hungary complete an anonymous survey, in which they provided demographic information and completed several assessments related to their sex lives. This study unearthed some very interesting observations that challenge much of the stereotypes and misconceptions people place around female porn viewing habits.

Pornography use is more common in…

Pornography use during masturbation was more common among pre-menopausal women, women who reported persistent anxiety or depression, non-heterosexual women, and women who had two or more partners.

Pornography use during masturbation was also more popular among American women than women from Hungary.

Positive outcomes related to pornography use can include…

More frequent use of pornography was related to positive outcomes during masturbation including less difficulty becoming aroused, less orgasmic difficulty, greater time to orgasm, greater orgasmic pleasure, and a higher percent of time reaching orgasm.

More frequent use of pornography for partnered sex was related to positive outcomes like less difficulty becoming aroused and greater time to orgasm.

Pornography use does not negatively impact relationships as much as many people think.

There was no association between pornography and sexual relationship satisfaction, which challenges the assumption that pornography is harmful to partnered sexual relationships.

More frequent pornography use was not associated with lower sexual responsivity. In fact, pornography use during masturbation predicted great ease becoming aroused during partnered sex.

The missing parameters of this study are important to note.

The study did not assess whether some women perceive themselves as dependent upon (or addicted to) pornography in order to achieve orgasm. This is important to note because distress resulting from pornography use may independently interfere with the female sexual response cycle.

Some other things impacted impaired sexual function in women that are worth taking note of, including lower levels of educational attainment and mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression were also associated with lower relationship/sexual satisfaction.

It’s time to rethink how porn impacts our relationships

It’s more common than ever for women to consume porn. Back in 2016, the average percentage of women who consumed porn was 26 percent worldwide. In 2018, that number was much higher, with 3 out of every 10 PornHub users identifying as female.

While this may be surprising to some, it really shouldn’t be considering the lengths this industry has gone to in order to become inclusive, accepting, and more appealing to people of all genders and sexual orientations.

Visual porn platforms (such as PornHub) are still on top, but not for long.

In 2019, there were over 42 billion visits to PornHub, one of the largest visual porn platforms around. This means there was an average of 115 million visits to the website per day. Their statistics outline that the amount of content available on the site at any given time that year would have taken 169 years to watch.

Other visual pornography platforms have similar statistics, however there is a new kind of porn rising—and it’s captivating the imagination of women, in particular.

Audio porn is offering a more widely accepted, inclusive, and all-encompassing approach to sexual health and happiness.

“Audio porn” has been around for longer than you may realize, with the first phone sex line being launched in 1977 by Gloria Leonard. The 2010s saw a rise in audio porn, with platforms like Quinn and Dipsea breaking onto the pornography scene in a big way. Now, in 2020, platforms like Audiodesires, Voxxx, and more are following suit.

Audio porn offers a more in-depth, immersive, imaginative experience for women who previously found visual sex to be off-putting, offensive, or crude. More than that, it’s making the concept of pornography more “acceptable” and appreciated in mainstream media, with more attention being paid to these new platforms from sources like Yahoo and the New York Times.

Studies like this can alter misconceptions about how porn impacts our relationships.

“Some readers may be relieved to learn that pornography use is fairly common among women and is unlikely to interfere with sexual functioning during partnered relationships. Other variables such as ongoing anxiety/depression or sexual relationship dissatisfaction appear to more consistently predict sexual problems,” said McNabney.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Time to Solve All That Sexual Frustration You’re Feeling

No more pent-up dissatisfaction.

By Samantha Lefave

No matter your relationship status—whether you’re trying to reap the benefits of being single or find yourself in a marriage that’s lacking intimacy—feeling sexually frustrated is no fun, nor is it something to ignore. Satiating your sex drive is important, as experts say it’s closely tied to overall quality of life. So if you’re feeling regularly dissatisfied, here’s how to identify what might be happening—and how to fix it—so you can get back to feeling nothing but pleasure in between those sheets.

Let’s start by defining what exactly sexual frustration is.

Simply put, it’s exactly how it sounds—any feelings of frustration or dissatisfaction with your current sexual interaction or lack thereof, says Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist and author of Use Your Mouth: Pocket-Sizes Conversations to Increase 7 Types of Intimacy In and Out of the Bedroom. “[It occurs when the sexual experiences you want are not in alignment with what you’re getting.”

And yep, it’s 100 percent normal to feel frustrated (sexually or not, TBH). “Most people—regardless of gender, sexuality, or relationship status—will experience sexual frustration at some point in their life,” Howard says. “Those in non-monogamous relationships deal with sexual frustration as well, especially since not all open relationships involve sex.”

What are some symptoms of feeling sexually frustrated?

People experience and exhibit symptoms of sexual frustration differently, Howard says. Some, for instance, might lose interest in sex and consistently decline it, she explains, whereas others may seek more of it (potentially with someone who isn’t their current partner) or decide to masturbate when they’d prefer sex. Symptoms of depression may start to crop up as well, and changes in mood are common, she adds.

Physically speaking, “you might feel a sense of buildup or tension without the desired sense of relief,” says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The New Sex Bible. “It can be as simple as experiencing blood flow to the genitals (or another region you’ve come to associate with pleasure or orgasm), and when you don’t experience the pleasure or orgasm, you might find yourself feeling frustrated.”

To help identify how you’re feeling, O’Reilly suggests asking yourself why you have sex. “What benefits do you derive, and how do you feel before, during, and after?” she asks. “Are those feelings overwhelmingly positive, neutral, or negative?” If your answer is landing more in the neutral to negative territory, you may be feeling a little (or a lot) frustrated.

That said, symptoms of sexual frustration are not the end-all be-all, as O’Reilly says sometimes it’s about resetting expectations. “Feelings are not permanent states of being,” she says. “They’re temporary experiences and you can make attitudinal and behavioral adjustments to change the way you feel.”

But what exactly causes these frustrated feelings?

There are a wide variety of experiences that could lead to sexual frustration. Anything from not being able to orgasm and not having your pleasure prioritized, to feeling pressured to have more sex or not having enough of it—all can be a major hindrance, O’Reilly says.

That said, there are a few common causes sex therapists often encounter. The first: unclear sexual boundaries and motives. “Sex is more satisfying to people when they feel they are getting what they expect,” Howard says. People in long-term relationships likely want to feel love and intimacy, for example, whereas those who solely engage for sexual pleasure may want more raw desire. “When these expectations are discussed and agreed on upfront, each person can commit to the outcome,” she adds. In other words, you can’t just expect someone to know how to please you—communication is key.

Speaking of communication—or a lack thereof—not discussing mismatched libidos and falling into ho-hum routines can also cause frustration. If you know what to expect and there’s no variety in your sex life, it’s tough to feel motivated to, well, keep doing it, Howard says. Same goes for feeling like you “should” have sex because society tells you to (we’ve all heard the “have sex at least three times a week rule”), or because you have a partner with a higher sex drive than you. To be clear, having mismatched libidos doesn’t mean your sexual relationship with this partner is doomed. But it does mean you have to talk about it so those feelings of sexual frustration can be put to bed.

Other experiences ranging from medical conditions and treatment side effects to sexual identity, relationship issues outside of the bedroom, and external factors (think work-related problems, child rearing, or societal stressors) could be at play. The key thread is to examine all areas of your life to help identify the root cause.

How do I deal with it?

Rectifying sexual frustration is one of those things that needs to be done with lots of care and consideration for both yourself and your partner. First up: identifying the actual cause of the frustration.

“Start by ruling out any medical issues or possible interaction from medications or supplements,” Howard says. Next, use your mouth—by talking to your partner. “Lots of people have sex, but rarely talk about it,” she says. “Create a regular sex check-in where you discuss what’s working well, and what you’d like to see change.”

From there, you may want to shift the way you view sex. “Frustration often results from outcomes not meeting expectations, but it’s important to note that when you have a specific outcome in mind, you may be setting yourself up for frustration,” O’Reilly says. “One way to avoid sexual frustration is to explore sexual pleasure for pleasure’s sake, as opposed to focusing on a specific goal.”

And again, talk to your partner—alone or potentially with the help of a sex therapist—as Howard stresses it’s important your partner knows, understands, and agrees on your sexual expectations and boundaries each and every time they shift. (And yes, it’s always OK for them to shift.)

If you’re single, or just riding solo in the midst of a pandemic…

Partner or not, you don’t have to be abstinent. If the sexual frustration you’re feeling is due to a lack of sex, Howard suggests practicing solo touch and solo sex. “Masturbate, take yourself out on dates, and appreciate all of the things about you that you’d want a partner to,” she says. O’Reilly agrees: “Don’t let the absence of a partner hold you back from lending yourself a hand or reaching for your favorite toy.” (Don’t know where to start? Here are our favorite options for beginners.)

Regardless of your relationship status, remember to take care of you. “Oftentimes we complain about being sexually frustrated as though it’s someone else’s job to address our feelings—it’s not,” O’Reilly says. “You’re responsible for your own sexual fulfillment…It’s up to you to decide what works.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From Graysexual to Heteroflexible

– Here’s A Big List Of Sexualities In 2020

by Stephanie Barnes

When it comes to sexuality, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, which explains why there is already such a long list of terms to describe sexual orientation, with more popping up every day. For someone who is searching for the perfect word to describe their sexual desires, this could take them a step closer to finding sexual liberation. For others, these terms can be a little bit confusing, and that’s OK if you feel that way.

Most people are familiar with the widely recognized acronym LGBTQ+, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, plus anyone who doesn’t identify as straight but also doesn’t fit in under the definitions of the other letters either. But the acronym is really just the tip of the rainbow iceberg. Here’s everything you need to know about sexuality, plus a fuller list of some of the most common sexualities in 2020.

Sexuality is an umbrella term describing the parts of your identity that deal with how you present yourself to the world, who you love, and who you find yourself attracted to or not attracted to. According to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., it’s the way a person feels and expresses their relationship to sex, desire, arousal, and eroticism.

“It can include a lot of varying elements (what kind of person you’d want to have sex with, specific preferences, and more), but often we use this term as shorthand for sexual orientation and the number of ways people may express both desire and identity,” she explains. She also points out, “Sexuality can be fluid in a person’s life, so its elements may change.”

How many sexualities are there?

There’s no definitive number of sexualities since new words are constantly being conceived and integrated into popular language as the way we talk about sexual orientation evolves. This isn’t to say that new types of sexuality are being “invented” out of the blue; rather, people are creating new language to describe nuances of sexual attraction and behavior that have always existed. These terms serve as a way for people to feel seen and find communities of like-minded people. They also help with describing one’s identity, communicating with others about what you look for in relationships, and establishing compatibility with potential partners.

While there is no finite number of sexual orientation types, there are a handful of terms that you’re likely to see more than others.

The term allosexual refers to anyone who experiences sexual attraction. Those who identify as allosexual can also identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or any other orientation, because allosexuality isn’t linked to gender but simply attraction. This is as opposed to asexuality, described below.

Someone who is androsexual will find themselves sexually or emotionally attracted to folks on the more masculine side. For some people, this attraction has very little to do with biology; it’s more about having a masculine identity or gender presentation. Alternatively, some people also use the term androsexual to refer to attraction to any folks with penises, though still with a focus on people with more masculine presentations.

An asexual individual typically doesn’t experience sexual attraction to any gender. However, it is possible for an asexual being to be romantically attracted to people of other genders or the same gender, and some asexual people do have sex in certain circumstances.

Have you ever wished there were two of you so you could have sex with yourself? If you answer yes, then you might be autosexual, aka someone who is sexually attracted to themselves.

Bi-curious refers to someone who is looking to explore or has already begun exploring bisexuality. There’s some disagreement about whether this term has roots in biphobia, however.

Someone who is bisexual will likely find themselves romantically, sexually, or emotionally attracted to more than one gender. It can sometimes overlap with pansexuality, which is the attraction to people regardless of gender. (Here’s more on how to know if you’re pansexual, as opposed to bisexual.)

Closeted, also referred to as “in the closet,” refers to anyone who is a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but they have yet to publicly acknowledge this truth. These people typically have good reasons to keep their sexual identity to themselves, such as for safety from an intolerant community or to avoid discrimination associated with being “out” of the closet. Some closeted people may or may never “come out.”

Demisexual falls on the asexual spectrum. It describes someone who only experiences sexual attraction to folks they already have established a strong romantic or emotional relationship with.

Some people describe themselves as sexually fluid. A person who is fluid experiences their sexuality or sexual identity as changing over time or in different contexts rather than having one finite way they experience attraction.

The word gay is used to describe someone who is sexually, romantically, or emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. In some cases, women who date other women prefer to use the word lesbian, while others opt to use queer.

Graysexual people are all about the gray area of the sexuality spectrum and tend to experience limited sexual attraction. This means they’ll rarely experience sexual attraction, and when they do, it’s usually not very intense.

Gynesexual people are attracted to women and folks with more feminine gender presentations, as opposed to androsexual people who are interested in the masculine. Alternatively, some people also use the term gynesexual to describe attraction to people with vaginas, breasts, and a more feminine physical presentation.

Heterosexual or straight refers to people who are only attracted, whether sexually, emotionally, or romantically, to people of the “opposite” gender—i.e., men who are attracted to women exclusively, or women who are attracted to men exclusively.

Heteroflexible or homoflexible

A heteroflexible person is mostly straight (heterosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the same gender or other genders. A homoflexible person likewise is mostly gay (homosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the “opposite” gender. For example, a homoflexible man might primarily date and sleep with men but occasionally date or sleep with a woman. Like bi-curiosity, there’s still ongoing debate over whether these terms are rooted in biphobia.

The term homosexual is a bit outdated, but it refers to anyone who is attracted to people of the same or a similar gender.

A lesbian is a woman who is mentally, physically, and emotionally attracted to other women. Some women who date women prefer to be called gay or queer. Some people who don’t identify as women but do have more feminine aspects to their gender—for example, a more feminine-leaning nonbinary person—might also use the term lesbian to describe themselves and their relationships with other feminine people.

Someone who identifies as pansexual experiences attraction to folks regardless of sex or gender identity.

The dictionary defines queer as something “odd, strange, or weird,” but the word has since been reclaimed and redefined. These days, queer is an umbrella term that is sometimes used to describe anyone within the LGBTQ+ community. The term also provides a sense of community for those who may not fit into one of the other categories specifically but also don’t identify as straight or cisgender. 

Someone who falls into the questioning category is someone who is questioning their current sexual identity and curious about exploring different aspects of sexuality or gender. For example, this could apply to someone who has always identified as a lesbian but is now wondering whether they’re also attracted to men.

You might be seeing this word used in social media and dating app bios more often these days. A sapiosexual person is someone whose attraction is based on intelligence rather than sex or gender.

Someone who is sex-repulsed is repulsed or disgusted by sex or sexual behavior. This person falls on the spectrum of asexuality.

Skoliosexual is one of the newer terms on the sexuality scene, and it refers to a person who is attracted to anyone who isn’t cisgender. This means a skoliosexual will usually find themselves drawn to people who are trans or nonbinary.

A spectrasexual is sexually or romantically attracted to a wide range of sexes, genders, and gender identities.

You might’ve heard the saying “Sexuality is a spectrum” before. The sexuality spectrum is the idea that all sexuality exists on a spectrum with binary “absolutes” on each end, explains sexologist Tanya M. Bass, Ph.D. The spectrum most often referenced is the Kinsey scale, which describes sexuality as existing on a spectrum from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. Any individual can fall anywhere on this spectrum.

Here’s every stop on the Kinsey scale:

0 – Exclusively heterosexual

1 – Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2 – Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual

3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual

4 – Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual

5 – Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6 – Exclusively homosexual

X – No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

Bass points out that there are other spectrums of identity as well, such as the gender spectrum, which views gender identity as existing on a spectrum from maleness to femaleness. Any individual can fall anywhere on this spectrum. Asexuality is considered another spectrum, where people can experience varying degrees of asexuality or fall somewhere on a spectrum from asexual to allosexual.

“Spectrums describe sexuality as fluid related to gender, orientation, attraction, and expression,” Bass explains. “It can often challenge the binary for both orientation, expression, and identity.”

Sexual orientation versus romantic orientation.

A person’s sexual orientation can sometimes be confused with their romantic orientation, but the two things aren’t quite the same. Your sexual orientation is linked to who you want to have sex (or some sort of erotic experience) with, while your romantic orientation refers to who you want to love or be in a relationship with.

“You can have sex without being in a relationship; you can be in a relationship without sex. So these things explain two elements of sexuality that can be teased apart or are always experienced together—depending on the person. And they don’t even need to match. Plenty of people fall in love with the other gender but like to have sex with people of their own gender, for example. And vice versa,” Queen explains.

The prefixes a-, bi-, pan-, hetero-, and homo- can all be attached to either element. For example, a biromantic asexual person might be someone who’s open to romantic partnerships with more than one gender, but they do not want sex in those relationships. Panromantic, biromantic, and aromantic are examples of other variations of romantic orientation.

When you put sexual and romantic orientation together, you learn more about the specifics of the person embracing the identities.

There’s a lot of nuance when it comes to sexual identity, which can be both exciting and overwhelming. Remember that these words aren’t meant to be prescriptive or frightening: They’re here to make your life simpler by making it easier for you to tell people who you are and what you want from your relationships. If you were searching for your word, we hope you’ll find yourself one step closer.

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