Tag: Relationship Advice

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Think You Can’t Have Good Sex After a Chronic Illness Diagnosis?

Think Again!

Your sex life shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

by Amy Mackelden

Receiving an unexpected diagnosis can affect every aspect of your life, including your sex life.

There are so many misconceptions when the topics of chronic illness and sex converge, making it a potentially scary subject for anyone learning to live within their “new normal.”

I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (RRMS) 2 weeks after my 30th birthday, and I had a plethora of questions on my mind, some of which involved my sex life.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic condition in which a person’s nervous system attacks itself, creating lesions on the brain and spine, often damaging the nerve pathways. This can result in numbness, tingling, itching, nerve pain, spasticity, mobility changes, and many other symptoms.

As a result, I knew my sex life was going to change, but I had no idea how.

It took some time, but I eventually discovered it was possible to have a satisfying sex life while living with a chronic illness and disability.

It might seem obvious to anyone who’s living with a lifelong condition or disability that sex is often an important aspect of our lives. However, when it comes to seeking medical advice following a life altering diagnosis, sex regularly goes unmentioned.

Research shows that many healthcare providers have limited knowledge of and confidence in talking about sexuality and chronic illness and disability. They’re also commonly really uncomfortable bringing it up with patients.

Meanwhile, research is limited on sexual dysfunction related to chronic illness. It makes sense, then, that some medical professionals may be uncomfortable addressing the subject with patients.

However, this lackluster response can sadly make those of us with chronic conditions feel as though we’re asking too much, or that the support we need just isn’t available.

If, like me, you’ve broached the subject of sex with a medical professional, it’s likely that you’ve also had mixed results.

Some suggestions have been helpful, from “use more lube” to “have sex earlier in the day to avoid fatigue.”

Others have made me question whether my sex life is important, and more specifically, if anyone else believes that my sex life is worth saving.

However, it’s crucial to find the right healthcare provider who understands the unique needs of someone facing a difficult diagnosis or lifelong condition.

It’s impossible to explore all of the ways that a chronic illness or disability might affect a person’s sex life, especially as each individual will be affected differently.

After finding out that I have MS, my sex life changed, first for the worse, and then for the better.

I had a major relapse that affected both of my legs and caused numbness from the waist down. This made sex an uncomfortable experience for several months afterwards, and I lost the ability to feel orgasms.

There were times I wondered whether I’d ever experience an orgasm again. Sex itself felt strange and made me tingle all over, not in a good way.

My body has also been affected by pain, mobility changes, and fatigue, but I’ve persevered in spite of any difficulties because I didn’t want to give up on having a sex life.

While I’ve spoken to some wonderfully supportive doctors and medical professionals, it’s also been suggested that companionship is more important in a relationship and that I should make the most of what I have, even if it doesn’t involve sex.

The implication, of course, was that sex was somehow less important to a person with an incurable illness, but that’s simply not the case.

When it comes to disability, people often speak of accessibility, so why shouldn’t the same parameters extend to having sex?

Here are some of the things that might make sex more accessible (and more fun!) if you’re living with a chronic illness.

Communication is key

While it might sound obvious, communication is key in any relationship.

“Some people believe that if two people love each other, sexual activities should automatically feel mutually wonderful and satisfying,” says Lee Phillips, EdD, LICSW, a licensed clinical psychotherapist and AASECT certified sex therapist.

“The number of sexual problems reported by people with chronic illness demonstrates all too conclusively that there is nothing automatic about sex,” says Phillips.

It’s all too easy to feel frustrated when sex and intimacy don’t magically happen the way we want it to.

When one or both partners in a relationship have a disability or chronic illness, it’s more important than ever to talk through any issues or concerns there might be.

For instance, sometimes my condition affects my ability to physically feel anything during penetrative sex, and I always let my partner know about any new symptoms or changes I’m experiencing.

“Sexual communication is critical because it can address sexual likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs, sexual needs and desires, sexual fears and concerns, past positive sexual experiences, and past negative sexual experiences,” says Phillips. “It is the key ingredient for enhancing a sex life.”

Explore intimacy and your ‘new normal’

While not everyone will be interested in therapy after receiving a surprising medical diagnosis or adjusting to life with a disability, finding a therapist who understands your needs could make all the difference.

“I always call therapy the safe container,” says Phillips, who hosts the Sex & Chronic Illness podcast.

“It is the place where people who are chronically ill feel safe and it is a place where they are not judged. It is the place where they can learn the skills in using their voice. This helps them become more aware and assertive in expressing their sexuality.”

If you’ve recently received a diagnosis, then it’s possible you’re feeling shell-shocked and lacking in confidence.

This is why considering therapy and finding a specialized therapist could be particularly helpful, especially if you’re dealing with relationships, intimacy, and sex.

“We have to realize that when so much changes in a person or a couple’s life due to chronic illness, a satisfying sex life can be one way to feel healthy and normal,” says Phillips.

Get creative

Whether you’ve always hoped to explore your sexuality in more depth, or you’re looking to spice things up post-diagnosis, it’s always possible to create more fun, excitement, and surprises in your sex life.

“When living with a chronic illness, sex can be a powerful source for comfort, pleasure, and intimacy,” Phillips says. “Therefore, I always say that you have to get curious about your partner and get creative with your sex. People start to look at this as a new sexual adventure because so much has changed due to chronic illness.”

If, like me, your physical sensations have changed with your chronic illness, you might need to try new positions and techniques to achieve orgasm or feel good during sex.

If you can, try viewing this as a positive thing rather than a burden and an opportunity to create greater intimacy with a partner.

Depending on your illness or disability, you may not be able to restore sensation to certain part of your body. That doesn’t mean pleasure isn’t possible.

“Focus should be on stimulation to the chosen area without any plans of moving to any other areas or having sexual intercourse,” says Phillips. “These exercises place the emphasis on intimacy and pleasure over the goal of performance and orgasm.”

If your body has changed because of a chronic condition or disability, then using toys or props might help. (If you have regularly bemoaned the lack of fully accessible sex toys, a new company, Handi, might soon have the answer.)

Don’t give up if you don’t want to

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that the choice of whether to have a sex life is yours and yours alone.

Whether you’re working on your orgasm solo (like I needed to do), or you’re embracing sexual intimacy with another person, your sex life is yours.

It shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding Your Own Sexuality Will Give You Confidence With Others

By Cindy Cummings

Intimacy and sexuality can be an anxiety-inducing subject for many young people. One study, analyzed by the UK’s Guardian Newspaper, found that 35% of young people experienced at least one problem in the bedroom, with 8% reporting anxiety and 10% reporting a lack of enjoyment. The problem often stems from a lack of self-awareness. Understanding yourself and your body will help you to be confident in intimacy with lovers, and ensure that you have a healthy and fulfilling grasp of your own sexuality.

Exploring your own body

There’s no shame in wanting to explore your own sexuality and sexual preferences. As the Australian health service highlight, knowing exactly what you enjoy and what makes you happy is an important part of identifying your sense of self and, by extension, self-worth. How can you achieve this? Looking to experiment with your own sexuality, whether that be with realistic sex toys like fleshlights or vibrators, or through reading about similar experiences online, can help you to develop a clear picture of your own preferences and build a foundation for future relationships.

Becoming confident

It’s straightforward to establish what you like – but how can you turn that into self-confidence and awareness of your own body? You might think that those in long-term, committed relationships benefit the most from this sense of self-esteem. However, studies reported by Psychology Today have shown that married men often have a lower sense of sexual self-esteem. Developing this confidence is not so different from developing good mental health habits elsewhere – if you look after yourself and accept your inner qualities and personality, you will develop confidence.

Transferring that confidence to partners

Sexual activity in itself is a boon to mental health, confidence, and shared understanding. Healthline report that it provides benefits to multiple areas of your life, including physical, intellectual, emotional, and psychological wellbeing. However, going into a relationship with someone and carrying their stresses can lead to the opposite impact. Having a well-founded sense of self and being able to communicate that will give a much healthier start to any relationship, and will break with the conventional wisdom of needing to be a strongman in the relationship.

Building confidence in yourself will enable you to react well with others. Sex is about understanding, being relaxed, and not carrying anxieties. Start with yourself before you make the jump into a relationship – you’ll thank yourself, and you’ll build a foundation for a strong future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexually Frustrated?

How To Deal, Whether You’re Single Or In A Relationship

by Farrah Daniel

Anyone can experience sexual frustration from time to time, but it’s important to learn how to cope with the tension when sex is inaccessible, you’re not having the kind you want, or otherwise.

What is sexual frustration?

“Sexual frustration is dissatisfaction with one’s sex life and can be due to quantity or quality issues,” board-certified sexologist Jessica Cline, MSW, Ph.D., tells mbg. You could have frequent sex and still be sexually frustrated, or the tension arises because you feel you don’t have enough of it or your needs don’t get met.

While sexual frustration and horniness can intersect and share some similarities, they’re not the same. “Horny is the desire or arousal for sexual activity and can have more of a positive tone, as culturally we use the term to imply we are turned on,” Cline explains. You can be horny but not sexually frustrated, though being horny with unmet sexual needs can easily cause frustration.

Sexual frustration isn’t a medical diagnosis. Anyone can experience this common sensation, so no one’s alone in the struggle.

If you’re in a funk and being short with your partner when you communicate, it might not be because of a bad day at work—you could be sexually frustrated.

Below are some potential indicators of sexual frustration. While none of these behaviors definitively mean someone is sexually frustrated, they can be common behaviors for someone who’s dealing with sexual frustration.

  1. Checking out mentally
  2. Constant arguing in a relationship 
  3. Living vicariously through friends’ sex life
  4. Engaging in unhealthy coping skills (i.e., binge eating or drinking)
  5. Frequently asking a partner about or for sex
  6. Increased display of physical touch and bids for connection
  7. Impatience
  8. Increased consumption of porn
  9. Irritability
  10. Leading any topic or argument back to sex
  11. Restlessness and trouble sleeping 
  12. Frequently fantasizing about sex
  13. Seeing only the negative in your partner
  14. Starting fights for no reason or magnifying minor issues

What causes the frustration?

People typically experience sexual frustration because of lackluster sexual connections, low libido, or dissatisfaction with the quality of their sex life. Still, there are myriad reasons that create the building blocks of this natural feeling.

Lack of partners

The most obvious cause of sexual frustration is simply not having anyone to have sex with. You may be ready and available for sex, but finding a sex partner can be a lengthy and frustrating process. “Many people feel very awkward and uncomfortable with online dating and are unsure how to meet people IRL,” Sweet notes. Because of that, she says loneliness can cause sexual frustration.

Poor communication

“While negotiating sex is an important part of relationships, people don’t always know how to communicate what they need, which can be very frustrating,” explains sex-positive psychotherapist Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC.

Sweet believes that because American society doesn’t teach young adults how to negotiate and talk about sex and desire comfortably, “Those young folks grow into old folks who find themselves older and more experienced but still without the skills to effectively communicate about sex.”

Without communication, sexual needs can go ignored or unmet. “At some point, one may stop initiating and give up, which often results in a sexless relationship,” shares Cline, “and those people can often end up in my office.”

Our physical wiring

The benefits of sex and a healthy sex drive extend way beyond pleasure and mind-blowing orgasms. Sex is also great for our physical health, says Cline, and it’s a great stress-reducer. Plus, “Sex can lower blood pressure, reduce pain, improve sleep, and improve heart health.”

Without this rejuvenating and restorative physical experience—whether because of a dry spell, discontentment with your partner, or poor health—it makes sense for your body to feel out of tune and tense as pent-up energy continues to build.

Our emotional wiring;

We’re sexual beings, which means pleasure and desire are our birthrights, says Sweet. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex is in the same category as food and water, showing that many people experience sex as a vital and baseline need. “When we can’t get our sexual needs met, this can be frustrating,” she says, especially because of the importance of connection to the human experience.

According to Cline, people crave connection emotionally and psychologically, even if they’re bad at it. “To be without connection in our lives goes against our wiring.”

Commoditizing sex

Unhealthy perspectives on sex also contribute to sexual frustration “Thoughts like ‘I should be having more sex,’ or ‘someone should give me more sex,'” for example, are a big culprit, says urologist and life coach Kelly Casperson, M.D.

“I think sometimes people believe they deserve to have their sexual desires met by a partner,” shares Sweet. Often, this belief stems from their upbringing, society, gender roles, religion, past partners, “or straight-up selfishness.”

There are other ways that commoditizing sex leads to sexual frustration, too. In fact, Casperson says some people use sex as a vehicle for self-esteem. “Someone may become reliant on sex as an external reward—i.e., boosting self-image—and may never feel satisfied due to the internal work that needs to be done.”

Medical barriers

Many medical issues can lead to a lowered sex drive and impede your ability to have sex or orgasm, which can naturally make a person feel sexually frustrated.

Some conditions that can decrease libido include:

  • Anxiety
  • Chronic pain and diseases
  • Depression
  • Genital discomfort
  • Hormone imbalances
  • Sexual dysfunction disorders that inhibit the expression of sexuality through desire and interest, arousal, and ability to orgasm
  • Stress
  • Side effects of medications (i.e., blood pressure medication, beta-blockers, antipsychotics, or opioids)

On the other hand, some medical issues increase sexual desire, which can also cause frustration. “Always being aroused can be a medical condition called persistent arousal disorder, in which someone is in a constant state of arousal, even after orgasm,” shares Cline.

What to do about it.

The tension of sexual frustration can pass naturally, so the easiest way to deal with being sexually frustrated is to simply wait it out. There are also plenty of outlets to help you relieve that energy, like exercise and meditation.

“Sexual frustration is a form of stress, so stress management techniques that work for other forms of stress likely apply here,” explains Sweet. “In the therapy work, we call it self-care.”

The strategies you choose to self-care and calm your mind and body are up to you, but here are some ideas to help you get started.

Physical ways:

  • Masturbate regularly.
  • Have virtual sex via text, video, or online.
  • Watch pornography (here’s how to find ethical porn).
  • Find a partner to have sex with (i.e., sex workers, one-night stands, friends with benefits, or casual dating)
  • Go out and connect with friends.
  • Exercise, which is “actually correlated with a more sexually active life,” says Casperson.
  • Move your body through dancing, yoga, or other cardiovascular activities.
  • If in a relationship, explore other types of physical touch to connect with your partner.
  • Take orgasms off the table the next time you have sex, and only explore pleasure.
  • Use sex toys.

Emotional ways:

  • Communicate your desires to your partner.
  • Listen to calming music.
  • Practice mindfulness and meditation.
  • Use your voice (like singing while dancing) as a way to release.
  • Write out your frustrations in a journal, collage, or other visual medium to process the emotions flowing through you.

“A natural way to increase dopamine is to try something new and exciting,” says Cline, “so you may want to invest in learning something new or trying something that scares you a little.”

What to do if you’re in a relationship and your partner’s sexual drive doesn’t match yours.

If you feel you’re not having enough sex in your relationship, that’s more common than people and movies let on. “Mismatched sex drive [affects] every couple,” says Casperson. “We need to normalize this.”

You and your partner won’t always be horny together, so the best way to navigate the sexual frustration that may arise is through communication.

“One of the biggest solutions to desire differences—which happens to most couples at some point in their relationship—is communication,” shares Cline. “Most couples are able to talk about a lot of stuff but have a hard time talking about sex.”

Try to communicate your needs and desires openly to your partner with these four tips:

Be confident.

Two of the biggest issues Cline sees in sex therapy are a lack of confidence and communication. 

“Communication may reveal barriers to a better sex life that can be addressed or reveal that it’s something that isn’t changeable at this time,” she says. With a transparent approach to communication, partners can empower each other to ask for and discuss other ways to have their needs met, or they can work on acceptance of a sex life adjustment.

Find a compromise.

Every relationship needs to negotiate the rules of engagement for sex and romance and to renegotiate them over time, Sweet says. Additionally, Casperson advises people to realize “Your partner is not responsible to fulfill all of your needs or desires.”

Sweet recommends people talk with their partners about how to best compromise on the mismatch of desire. She often works with couples where penis-in-vagina sex is off the table, but mutual masturbation, heavy petting, kissing, massage, sexting, reading erotica together, watching porn, and other activities are OK.

“Recognize you are both an individual sexual being and a partnered sexual being. Don’t undervalue your own ability to get yourself off, independent of a partner,” she says.

Be open to learning (and relearning).

“When it comes to desire, most of us respond to what helps us feel connected and loved (responsive desire), so it’s up to us to do those things to help invoke our lover’s desire,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, M.A.

If you and your partner’s sexual urges don’t match, learn what turns them on through conversations about desire, seduction, fetishes, erogenous zones, and more, even if you think you already know.

Don’t hesitate to learn more about your own sexual needs, too. “Sometimes, for the person who doesn’t crave sex as much, I suggest saying yes to sex,” says Stewart, “because sometimes people forget about how good sex feels and how great orgasms can be, so they need that reminder.”

Get the help of an expert.

“In some cases, seeing a therapist or educator who specializes in clinical sexology can help a couple reconcile the difference in sexual desire,” Sweet says. Rather than getting their partner to participate or express interest in sex, she finds that “for most folks, the hardest thing is talking to their partner about their needs, fantasies, and desires.”

Finding the language to express your needs and desires is difficult (and uncomfortable!), but it’s worth it to find resources that can help break the barrier that leads to a more fulfilling sex life.

Takeaways.

Whether you’re flying solo or in a committed relationship, sexual frustration is a common experience we’ve all had—that means there’s nothing wrong with you or your body for feeling this way.

As you navigate this tension, remember you have tons of options to physically and emotionally relieve it. Plus, you can use this opportunity to re-imagine your sex life completely.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Pressure To Be The Perfect Man

By Essex Mag

The pressure to be the perfect man takes its toll sometimes. This pressure comes from both external and internal influences. Work and family issues can cause stress and anxiety to build up and this can reveal itself in both physical and psychological symptoms. Often performance anxiety is also caused by a lack of confidence or self-esteem. Men can feel pressure to perform in the bedroom and unfortunately, this can lead to other issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) and an added strain on the relationship. There are several ways to boost your self-esteem, however. With a few tips, you can learn to tackle anything life throws at you.

Seek professional advice

If you’re concerned about erectile dysfunction or other issues relating to sexual health, the first thing to do is seek professional advice. Speaking to your doctor will give you peace of mind. They will be able to get to the root of the problem and recommend a suitable solution according to your unique requirements. There are treatments available such as Sildenafil which contain the active ingredient to combat ED. Your doctor might also refer you to a therapist to discuss stress, anxiety, or self-esteem issues. Online therapy is a good option. It’s discreet and flexible and you can book remote sessions. Your therapist will also suggest other activities that will help boost your confidence.

Set yourself goals

In order to motivate yourself, you need to start setting attainable goals. This way you can celebrate every milestone along the way, and gain confidence as you go. The SMART goals model is designed to help you set the right goals according to certain criteria. All objectives, whether professional or personal, should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Write down your goals and prioritize them according to these criteria. Break them down into tasks and plan how you’re going to achieve them.

Get active

Many studies have shown that physical activity can help to combat ED. It’s also a natural confidence-booster. Getting active will increase healthy blood flow, help with weight loss, and give you a newfound surge of energy. These can all help to improve performance in the bedroom. Exercise is also beneficial for mental wellbeing. It’s a great stress-reliever and releases endorphins which trigger a positive feeling in the body. Physical activity, therefore, improves your mood and self-esteem.

Find a new hobby

There are several reasons why hobbies are important. They are the perfect way to distract yourself and take a break from your stressful life. Find a new hobby that interests you, whether it’s active, creative, or intellectual. You could even take a course at work for professional development, or learn a new skill you’ve always been interested in. This way you can forget about your troubles from time to time and focus on something different. This will help you gain a sense of perspective and give you a confidence boost.

Meditation

You could also try using mindfulness meditation to improve your sex life. There are guided meditations and tips online to help you. Meditation can be used to target certain issues, but it’s also good for your general well-being. It allows you to clear your mind of cluttering or negative thoughts. You’ll then be able to find your inner calm and focus on the positives. The best thing about meditation is that you can do it anytime anywhere. You need any tools or equipment and it’s completely free. It all depends on you and taking the time to get centred. It’s also the perfect time of year to try meditating outside, take a walk in an area of natural beauty near you.

Pamper yourself

Everyone needs a little pampering from time to time and it’s a great way to relax and get a confidence boost. You could try recreating the spa at home with a few DIY treatments. Give yourself a facial or invest in some self-massage tools. Add a few essential oils to a warm bath and get some quality me-time. A new look might also help to improve your self-esteem. Here are a few grooming tips to boost confidence. Treat yourself to a professional shave or a new haircut. Buy yourself a present or new outfit, sometimes a little retail therapy can do the trick.

When the pressure to be the perfect man gets overwhelming, remember to practice self-care. Take time for yourself away from the stresses of everyday life. You’ll return relaxed and rejuvenated, with the confidence and energy you need in the bedroom.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Consensual Non-Monogamy For You?

5 Open Relationship Myths Busted

By Paula Kirsch

Are you thinking of opening up your relationship to consensual non-monogamy?

Before you do that, it’s important to look at the myths surrounding relationships and why you might want to consider an open relationship.

A 2017 study by Haupert and colleagues reported more than 20 percent of the U.S. population has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.

As a sex therapist who works with such couples and individuals practicing consensual non-monogamy and open relationships, I’m guessing that 20 percent may be a low estimate today.

In the Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, the authors debunk several myths about relationships and non-consensual monogamy.

So, if you’re considering non-consensual monogamy, here are 5 myths about relationships that you need to know about.

1. The only “real” relationships are those that are monogamous.

Everyone is familiar with monogamy and knows how it works.

But, as my sex therapy supervisor once said, “If monogamy is the gold standard in relationships, what’s the divorce rate again?”

Sometimes, we have an unrealistic view that we will lose interest in all others just because we’re married.

How’s that working out for you?

2. Loving someone means it’s OK to control their behavior.

We know we can’t control anyone but ourselves in reality.

Again as evidenced by the divorce rate and the number of infidelities that occur in monogamous relationships, it’s unrealistic to think that we can prevent our spouse from having sex with someone else if they want to.

3. Jealousy is an insurmountable issue in an open relationship.

The interesting thing here is that it assumes being in a monogamous relationship will protect you from envy.

In monogamous relationships, people go to great lengths to hide their affairs and dalliances when having agreements.

Being honest and unlearning some of the “oughts” that lead to jealousy might be the more ethical and healing approach.

4. Having other partners for sex reduces intimacy in your primary relationship.

With agreements in place and open and honest conversation, you may find that having other partners rekindles new relationship energy that overflows into your primary relationship.

5. Sexual desire is a destructive force or the only proper way to have sex is within a committed relationship.

These sex-negative ideas are throwbacks to the beginning of patriarchal and puritanical religions that warn that women’s sexuality will lure men to their doom. (Think: the Garden of Eden mythology.)

In truth, what could be more creative than sexual desire, which we use to create new human beings, art, literature, music, and so much more? So much of our creativity resides in the sacral chakra — our sexual center.

You might like an open relationship if you find yourself in an “okay” marriage or partnership with no significant issues.

Still, maybe your partner doesn’t like some of the bedroom activities you enjoy. Or perhaps you have mismatched sexual desire, one of the most common problems I see in couples therapy.

Maybe you have an interest or hobby your partner doesn’t share.

It’s difficult for one person to check all our boxes.

No one person be everything to us and meet all our needs. An open relationship creates room for those needs to be satisfied.

The way I see it is through a lens of abundance. Life is short and there’s plenty of love available if you’re open to that.

As a therapist, I can tell you I have seen open relationships that work and don’t work — just like monogamous relationships!

Good communication skills are essential. And it’s crucial to work out agreements in advance so everyone is on the same page.

More often, a woman shows up in individual therapy with me, freaked out because her husband or partner wants to open the relationship. We explore what’s real, what’s going on in their relationship, and how she feels about dating.

She reads and researches, learning everything she can about how open relationships work, and often ends up with a fuller and richer life.

Yes! You can thrive in an open relationship!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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One Year Without Sex, Love or Dating

One writer looks back over the lonely reality for single people in the UK during the pandemic.

By Shon Faye

Being single throughout the first lockdown might not have been so hard if I hadn’t begun 2020 still very much in a couple. I still remember the Christmas card he gave me and the message he wrote inside: “I loved spending 2019 with you, looking forward to more in 2020 and beyond”. I so wanted that to be the case. But a month later we were both sat in the bedroom of his flat, faces red with tears and my case packed to leave for the last time. “Can we still see each other?” he asked, his eyes glistening with the naive hope of an adolescent. Yet his 35-year-old rational brain surely must have told him the answer. He knew we couldn’t. The reason for the split was as simple as it was life shattering. He said he wanted children, one day. Children that I had never dreamed of myself nor could ever give him, even if I wanted to.

They call it a deal breaker – the ultimate one, really, as there is no hope and no compromise – yet the expression makes heartbreak sound like a boardroom negotiation. It would be more accurate to say the relationship had a terminal illness and I chose to assist its death with dignity rather than let it carry on to an inevitable, but uglier, end years down the line. To me, it was a cataclysm that left me confounded by grief. Grief that felt more like physical pain for months. Months that, unfortunately, happened to coincide with a pandemic, which turned the other aspects of my life upside down, too.

“Now’s the time to get really good at wanking”, my also recently single friend Gemma says matter-of-factly over Whatsapp voice-note, as if masturbation was a skill like kayaking or getting a soufflé to rise, before adding, “and phone sex”. It’s the end of March 2020 and pressure is increasing on Boris Johnson to put the UK into a full lockdown. In the six weeks since my breakup, coronavirus has become a growing global disaster. The advice is clear: do not leave home, do not touch anyone, do not date, do not fuck. 

Of course I can physically go without sex or dating – for the past six weeks I did just that. But I also told everyone that this was ‘actually fine’. Bragging constantly about a forthcoming summer of promiscuity was a lame attempt at a confidence trick on my own brain. In the immediate aftermath of my breakup, the idea of another man’s touch or his weight on mine truly seemed inconceivable and undesirable. Yet when this became officially illegal, I panicked.

In the year since the start of the first lockdown, single people have largely been ignored or erased in government communications about living with COVID restrictions. If, like me, you entered this pandemic single (or if you are in a couple where you don’t cohabit) sex has technically been illegal for most of it. There was a brief period where it was possible from July to October but any new relationship embarked upon during this time would need to have become exclusive and cohabiting within a matter of weeks to have survived the second wave. It’s safe to say most of us who went into this pandemic single still are and will be for some time to come.

Of course, no one actually thought it would go on this long. Most of the official advice a year ago wasn’t dissimilar to my friend Gemma’s – it was an era of Zoom dates, sex toys, phone sex and nudes, I was reassured by online magazines and sexual health charities all of whom sounded very upbeat about this new era of remote sexuality. Even a year ago, I sensed they were missing the point. Sex and dating, for the newly single me, were about reprising an old ritual of encountering other people in order to rebuild a coherent picture of myself as a sexual being.

It’s a common belief that any straight cis men who are titillated by the offer of sex with a transgender woman must be physically fetishising us. It’s an analysis I’ve always found tedious and reductive about what even the most casual encounters with strangers have taught me about people and about life. Some years ago, I anecdotally noticed that men on dating apps seemed much less bothered about the idea of being with a transsexual if they’d recently gone through a divorce or a long term relationship had ended. Their once imagined lives broken, they were hoping to see what a woman exiled from many heterosexual norms might have to teach them about their own failings. For years before I met my ex, I had gone “for drinks” with the sort of man who secretly hopes that by tasting my deviance, he’ll learn something more interesting about himself. It’s a vampiric exchange; a contract of heat and blood. I suppose last year I desperately hoped that the roles could be reversed. That, post breakup, with my own failed attempt at assimilating into heterosexuality, cis men might teach me about how to do normality better next time. That I would get to be the vampire.

I had taken the gamble to be single. I hadn’t chosen to be alone and bereft indefinitely.

Devoid of such luck, I instead spend significant parts of the first lockdown glued to Hinge and Tinder talking to people. In lieu of the ability to actually meet, I stay talking to men I may have previously swiftly turned down for a real date. I regale my friends who are bored with lockdown with stories of my improbable virtual interactions. At one point last summer, for example, I was talking to three different Army officers (don’t worry – different regiments!) despite the fact my politics are anti-imperialist enough to question if soldiers should even exist. When Vera Lynn died last June, my friend Huw cattily referred to me as “our very own Forces’ sweetheart” in the group chat.

At other times, the loneliness is too dark for jokes. Until things started to open up in July last year, I was tormented by memories of my ex flooding back to me in the hours, days and weeks spent alone in lockdown. His hand on the small of my back on a crowded tube platform, the time he rowed me around the Plaza España in Seville and I took the piss the whole time because being treated just like any other girl with a boyfriend on holiday was so unfamiliar, the specific way the cadence of his breath would change during sex, the way his face would melt into a disarming smile when I’d outsmarted him in a debate about some political point or other.

One criticism of government policy during the pandemic is that it has entrenched traditional norms in which only couples get the comfort of touch and intimacy. Having gone through the worst breakup of my life without even so much as a hug from a good friend or a gym class that promises to restore my self worth, it is inevitable that there have been moments in the past year I regretted my decision to leave my relationship. In breaking up with him, I had taken the gamble to be single and make room for another life, more suited to my own long term needs and desires. I hadn’t chosen to be alone and bereft indefinitely.

Given the pandemic’s side effect of reinforcing socially conservative romantic arrangements and aspirations, my rejection of my ex’s offer of precisely these things has also come back to haunt me at times. “You’re a transsexual and he was a tall, handsome, intelligent homeowner with great teeth: why the fuck did you do that?” my stimulus-starved brain started to bark at me. Sometimes, the queries were crueller: “Why don’t you want to be a mother anyway?”, the sadistic voice inside me asked. “Not much of a woman after all, you?”

I must first claw back the other parts of my life when this purgatory eventually ends.

Tired of second guessing my own judgement, I’ve given up on the pursuit of dating for now. It was brutal and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but, in the end, time did the work in healing me from my breakup – we have all lived with restrictions for so long my relationship with my ex now feels like it took place in a different age, a time of crowded bars and packed restaurants. I can exchange a brief text with him now or even visualise his future wife and kids and not feel the searing pain. I can be glad he has the space for his own future, too.

It’s not just time that’s helped: a brief late summer romance with a (slightly) younger man who unexpectedly slid into my DMs on Instagram managed to change my negative patterns of thinking about whether I’ll be alone forever: we didn’t work out long term but dating him showed me it may work with someone else. A second breakup, even if less intense, followed by a second lockdown, was a fucking chore. Again: no affirming spin class and no drinks with the girls. Since that whirlwind relationship ended so abruptly when we returned to lockdowns last autumn, the unsustainability of trying to build a serious relationship after all this solitude, anxiety and uncertainty has convinced me that I am not in the mindset to offer anyone else any kind of healthy relationship. I must first claw back the other parts of my life when this purgatory eventually ends.

The pandemic has shown single and coupled people alike that all relationships are practical things, built more on a mixture of chance, timing, proximity and long-term compatibility than they are on initial chemistry or sexual desire, which you can have with many people. I loved my ex-boyfriend so much that, at times a few years ago, he seemed like my only true happiness. But it was still right our relationship ended, as many have done during the pandemic for similar reasons: incompatibilities and insecurities were revealed with the removal of distractions and overexposure to one another.

In the year since lockdowns began, I have relied so heavily on remote support from my friends that my yearning for romantic reassurance has receded just as my need for in-person laughter and fun with my friends has grown to desperate levels. I long for the conviviality and spontaneity of the house party that runs until 6AM, the unplanned dinner out, the gossip and the sarcasm. After the hard work of surviving these lockdowns without friendship, how could the arduous work of building a lasting romantic love compete?

For years before I met the man I adored then had to leave, I would imagine meeting someone like him and the life we would build together. I would daydream about how such a man would smooth over every scratch and dent left in my spirit by the unenviable tasks of being trans and a woman in this world and make it stronger. Of course, I hope I’ll find love again after the pandemic but I no longer fantasise about the more fulfilled and resilient and powerful woman I’ll eventually turn into when I have it. Alone, I have already become her.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Schedule ‘Spontaneous’ Sex

— and Why You Should

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

Think of sex like an oil change for your car… except way hotter and a lot more exciting.

Keeping up with regular maintenance — and lube — helps keep your engine running at its best. The same idea applies to sex and all it can do for your mental and physical well-being as well as your relationship, if you’re in one.

Scheduling sex sounds like it’s all business, but when it comes to the business of pleasure, thinking ahead is the way to get more of the good stuff.

We’re talking more sex, potentially more orgasms, and all the added benefits that come from those things, like reduced stress, elevated mood, stronger relationships, and better sleep.

We believe pleasure is a fundamental aspect of a safe and healthy sex life. That’s why we rely on experienced writers, educators, and other experts to share their suggestions on everything from the technique you use to the sex toy you buy.

We only recommend something that we genuinely love, so if you see a shop link to a specific product or brand, know that it’s been thoroughly researched — if you know what we mean. Wink.

We mean the whole freakin’ shebang: Masturbation, cuddling, kissing, or any other form of physical intimacy. Basically, if it arouses you, it counts.

If you think back to the steamiest, most toe-curling sex you’ve ever had, chances are it was scheduled.

That super erotic virtual sesh with your long-distance boo? You probably agreed on a time to connect.

A hot IRL hookup post-lockdown? Bet you counted down the days till a face-to-face was OK.

Date night with a happy ending with your spouse or person you’re seeing? Yep, also planned in advance.

Even those sweaty solo jobs you can’t wait to squeeze in after your roommate/parents/kids go to bed are pretty much planned in advance.

Did thinking ahead to a time to get down and dirty make the sex any less enjoyable? Of course not! That’s because scheduled sex is the same as normal sex — pleasurable, satisfying, and fun!

Life’s not like it is in the movies, friends. Our schedules and sex drives aren’t always in sync, and we don’t always climax in unison.

Logistics and libidos are tricky and don’t always play nice together without some effort and shifting things around.

Carving out time for sex works on so many levels, you’ll wonder why you ever thought it was a joykill in the first place.

Here’s why it works.

It gives you time to prep

Knowing when sex is on the menu gives you time to get ready for it.

That could mean resting up first with a nap, grooming your nether regions, or bribing your roommate with a gift card for frozen yogurt so they can GTFO for a couple hours.

It can remove some potential obstacles

Practically speaking, a heads-up before a sex date is helpful for anyone dealing with issues or symptoms that can interfere with sex.

For example, it’s helpful if you:

  • use Viagra or vaginal cream before sex
  • have anxiety
  • take longer to get aroused
  • use medication that causes side effects

It gives you time to set the mood

Not that we don’t love a good no-fuss throw-down, but once in a while it’s nice to bust out the candles and nice sheets, or sex props and rubber sheets, if that’s your jam.

It’s like foreplay for your brain

Oh, the sweet anticipation of knowing that you’re gonna get hot and heavy!

It’s like knowing there’s a piece of cake waiting for you at home after you’ve been starving all day, only instead of your fave frosting, you get an orgasm.

And as a partner on the receiving end of an impending rendezvous, knowing you’re desired and wanted can give you and your loins all the feels.

It can start a convo about sex

Not everyone’s comfortable talking about sex, but having to plan it gives you a great starting point if you want to talk fantasies or share your turn-ons. (More on how to talk about it coming right up!)

It can help you out of a rut

Falling into a rut happens to the best of us, especially in long-term relationships. Add a pandemic, and sitting around in sweats and ordering takeout becomes the norm.

People are having less sex, according to research. Scheduling could be a way to bring back the oomph, even if it’s scheduling some high school-style making out or dry humping between episodes of “Bridgerton.”

The key to bringing it up is to not make it sound like a chore that you have to do. It’s sex, not a dental cleaning.

You could say something along the lines of:

  • “Remember when we had time to stay in bed a while after sex? I miss that! Bet we could do it again if we set aside time on [insert days].”
  • “We’ve been so busy. I think it’s time we scheduled some sexy time. What’s your schedule look like on [insert day]?”
  • “How would you feel about setting aside more time for sex?”

If not having enough sex is a sore spot and having a negative impact on your relationship, you may benefit from laying it all on the table:

  • “It’s no secret that we haven’t been connecting lately. Let’s agree to set aside some time every week just for the two of us. What do you think?”
  • “I know I’ve been too tired/busy to have sex lately, but I really want to change that. How would you feel about making [insert day/time] our time to hookup since that’s when we both have more time and energy?”

Ready to think ahead for more sex? Here are some things to help you go about it so you get the most from the best thing on your calendar.

Set your goals

Think about what you’re hoping to achieve from planned sex:

  • Are you looking to have more sex in general?
  • Do you want more time to bask in the post-coital glow rather than the quick, socks-on sex you’ve been having since becoming parents?
  • Do you want to spice it up by trying new things and exploring fantasies?
  • Do you want to set aside more time for self-exploration and masturbation?

Keep your goals in mind when scheduling your play time so you can plan accordingly. And by “your goals,” we mean the goals of all involved.

Get it in the cal

OK, you don’t ~have to~ put your sex dates on the calendar.

But if your schedules are wild or completely mismatched, putting sex on the calendar gives it priority status and lowers the chances that you’ll accidentally double-book your sexy slot.

Allow for flexibility

Just because you’re mapping out the time doesn’t mean you should map out every move.

If you go in with marching order, you could be setting the stage for performance anxiety or resentment if one of you isn’t really feeling the planned act in that exact moment.

Go in with a general intention of what you both want without setting any hard and fast rules.

Be open to rescheduling

Let’s be clear, you don’t want to fall into the habit of putting off your sex dates, or you’ll never make any new ground.

But some days, rescheduling your sexcapades might be the best thing. Like if one of you is sick or dealing with something heavy.

Before postponing, though, take a moment to remember how good sex feels. If you can muster the extra bit of energy to start, do it.

All that said, you shouldn’t feel pressured to engage in a sex act when you don’t want to. There must be mutual consent, regardless of the type of relationship you’re in.

Once you figure out the *when*, it’s time to get down to the *how*.

Here are some tips:

  • Build the anticipation with suggestive whispers or sexts that let them know you can’t wait to have them.
  • If playing solo, trying a new sex toy or picking out some new porn for your pending playtime can build anticipation.
  • Just because it’s pretty much a sure thing doesn’t give you a free pass to skimp on the woo or the hygiene, so put in the effort.
  • When the day arrives, focus on the time with yourself/together rather than the act itself, so whatever happens can just happen naturally.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How I Have Sex

— “I Can End Up Feeling Nothing Even When All the Right ‘Spots’ Are Touched”

By

The first time I remember thinking about sex was at the age of 15, when I started dating my first boyfriend. As teenagers, we were curious about this and started thinking about it more when there was someone else to talk to. I explored sexual behaviors like kissing, fingering, and oral sex between 15 and 18, and 19 is when I had peno-vaginal sex for the first time.

But I hadn’t realized until then that I was demisexual. So even in my early 20s, I was meeting people on dating apps and thought of sex as something you had to do as a “right of passage” after dates. So I did meet up and have sex without really having an emotional connection. Rather, I thought I had some basic level of emotional connection with them — but I later realized that I was just grasping for straws. I was just creating a connection with somebody, but I didn’t actually have it with these people and didn’t enjoy these experiences. My friends kept talking about this amazing sex that they were having, and I realized only later that I was looking at the wrong place.

Since that time sex was something I thought about in connection with someone I had feelings for; I didn’t even think that it could be otherwise. Demisexuality, I would say, translates into kind of a conditional sexual attraction. I think a lot of people don’t know that sexuality, or any asexual spectrum identity for that matter, doesn’t have anything to do with sex drive. There may be some people who are demisexual and don’t experience any sexual attraction outside of their emotional attachment, but that’s not the case with me. Sexual attraction is like a spectrum: ‘Oh, I’ve met this person who I find really attractive’ versus ‘I am actually in love with this person, and I actually want to have sex with them.’ So I can find someone attractive but not want to have sex with them. And plus, sexual attraction occurs very selectively for me, much more selectively than for someone who’s not very sexual.

People say that everyone is a demisexual, that sex is better when you have an emotional bond. It’s not about if it’s better or bad, it’s that you don’t experience sexual attraction at all unless there is an emotional bond.

My current boyfriend and I, we started out as friends — which turned into friends with benefits. After some time, I felt attracted to him, and I wanted to have sex with him, even though he was romantically involved. We had an emotional bond as close friends, but it got better when we got romantically involved because it added another layer of depth to the emotional connection.

It doesn’t matter if my partner is demisexual or not, it’s just the emotional connection between us that counts. In my current relationship, it was emotional, romantic, and considerate. Realizing that I no longer ‘had’ to do this pointless casual sex rigmarole, and incidentally getting into a monogamous romantic relationship where I had deep emotional feelings for my partner, all made it so much better. I was lucky it all happened together.

I would say I feel a lot more agency when it comes to sex life, ever since I came out as demisexual. Instead of going along with the other person’s wishes, I’ve become more confident in vocalizing what I want and saying no when I want to. Earlier, I used to always be like: Okay, I’m not feeling it in this moment, but that’s not how I’m supposed to feel and the other person is expecting me to say yes, so I would just go along with that. I don’t do that anymore.

Building anticipation is the most important aspect of foreplay for me. It’s not so much about the specific acts done during it, as it is about creating that mood and the anticipation, and building up to that moment of urgency where you feel like you can’t wait anymore! One time that I particularly remember enjoying was when my partner made it completely about me and took it really slow. When I tried to reach out to reciprocate, he gently stopped me and told me to let him do what he wants to me. That made me feel like my pleasure was important and cared about, and the intimacy of that feeling made it the best foreplay I’ve ever experienced!

The usual pleasure centers do the trick for me. Nipples are particularly important — just stimulating them alone, without touching any other part of me, can suffice as foreplay if I’m sufficiently in the mood that day. Also, it’s very important for me that attention be paid to the less ‘usual’ erogenous zones—neck, back, torso, thighs. Simply being held like I’m important and desirable to the person is just as important as specific erogenous zones being touched, if you know what I mean. I can end up feeling nothing even when all the right ‘spots’ are being touched if the person doesn’t make me feel like they desire me (as opposed to simply wanting sex). I don’t think this deprives me of any pleasure — as someone who has had sexual experiences without emotional part, I didn’t enjoy them anyway. So I don’t think I’m missing out on anything.

Exhibitionism appeals to me — being watched while engaging in sex. Maybe because the thought of involving someone else in the bedroom feels exciting, but at the same time I’m not fully comfortable with the idea of actually having someone join us in the activity. So someone watching us is the perfect middle ground. I’ve tried clitoral and vaginal stimulating sex toys individually as well as in partnered sex. Clitoral stimulation from a vibrator is the fastest way for me to climax — probably the first time I ever climaxed with a sex toy! Four times in a row was a new feeling for me.

I would say I’m on the higher end of a normal sex drive, contrary to what people believe about demisexuals. People don’t understand the difference between sexual attraction and sex drive: sex drive is the desire to have some kind of sexual experience whereas sexual attraction means wanting to have sex with another person — and those things are not mutually exclusive.

On the whole, lust and love exist as separate frames. Sex drive, for me at least is completely independent of my sexuality. Because sex drive can exist independent of a partner, I can personally have a sex drive alone as well. But the drive to do it with somebody else, that only really occurs if I have a deep emotional attachment with them. But I do have to say that I’m more satisfied with partnered sex because there’s foreplay involved, which I typically get lazy and skip when it’s just me.

Physical attraction matters very little to me — if you compare it with the emotional connection, the physical is insignificant. I prefer people without a gym body. As somebody who myself has struggled with body image issues all my life, I once dated someone who had a six-pack and was a model. It was very intimidating to me and I couldn’t see past that exterior and engage with him as a person. I wanted someone who looked like a regular Joe.

People who actually end up falling in love and having serious relationships and sex within that relationship, and being monogamous with each other, it’s uncommon nowadays. I value monogamy — but I’m not 100% sure if my monogamy is connected to my demisexuality or not. But I am demisexual, and I am also monogamous. You can be monogamous or polyamorous — that’s independent of your sexuality.

Over time, the novelty factor around sex has, of course, worn off, because it can’t stay forever. I also find that I share some of the same thoughts about sex as before: the desire to feel intimate with your partner, when I experience emotions with someone, those things have remained constant. It’s just that the language I use now to talk about it is more evolved. I have become more corporate in how I feel and how I view sex: I feel this pressure to conform and think of it and approach it in the same way other people do. And I realized that your personal and social identity don’t have to be homogenous; everybody doesn’t have to be the same. That’s the most dominant change that I’ve experienced.

As a demisexual and bisexual, it can be kind of tricky to deal with which part of me is more important, so to speak. Am I equally both things? Which of it makes me more queer? There is also the whole aspect of a lot of queer people who don’t think that demisexuality makes you queer — which makes me feel like we’re being nudged. There may be demisexual people out there who choose to say that ‘I am demi, but I don’t feel like I’m queer, I’m still straight,’ and that’s their prerogative. But the problem is that a lot of people who are LGBTQ tacitly assert that you don’t have the right to identify as queer just because you are demisexual. That makes me feel unseen and sad.

I understand that the whole thing of slotting ourselves into a certain sexuality or gender. It’s not a strict label, but rather just a rough way to understand whereabouts on the spectrum a person might be. And that ultimately, to understand a person better, you need to ask them because they are the only ones who can answer those questions for you, because everybody is completely unique — even two demisexual people could be completely different. I’ve had this conversation with somebody else who was also a woman who was demisexual, and bisexual like me, and we still differ so much in how we approach sexuality and love and sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 reasons why women may have a low sex drive

and what to do about it

By Madeline Kennedy

  • Some causes of a low sex drive in women include taking medicines like birth control or SSRIs. 
  • Stress and not sleeping enough could also cause lowered libido.
  • Medical conditions like diabetes or heart disease may also cause a lower sex drive.

There’s no “normal” amount of sex drive. The right amount is whatever feels right for you. Yet, many women feel like their sex drive is too low.

One 2008 study found that — among a poll of over 30,000 US women — 15% of women ages 45 to 64 and 11% under 44 reported significant issues with low sex drive.

There are many reasons your sex drive can take a dip, including stress, medications, your period, or relationship issues. Here are 10 of the most common reasons you may have a hard time feeling sexual.

1. Shifts in hormones during your menstrual cycle

Your levels of sex hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone change throughout your menstrual cycle, which can affect your sex drive, says Kate Thomas, PhD, the director of clinical services at The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic.

“We know that progesterone can have a negative impact on sexuality; the role of estrogen is less understood,” Thomas says.

You may notice that your sex drive is higher around the middle of your cycle, while you’re ovulating, but it may dip lower at other times, like during your period. This is partly because progesterone levels rise once you’re done ovulating, as your body gets ready to menstruate.

However, “increases and decreases in sexual drive appear to be quite individual,” Thomas says.

2. Hormonal birth control

Hormonal birth control methods like the pill, vaginal rings, and hormonal IUDs are linked with lower sex drive in women, Thomas says.

This is because hormonal birth control lowers your testosterone levels, which leads to a lower sex drive. Having less testosterone in your body can also make your vulva and clitoris feel less sensitive, which may make sex less appealing.

A 2013 review found that 15% of women taking birth control pills reported that their sex drive had decreased since starting the pill. 

If you have sexual issues while using birth control, talk to your gynecologist about non-hormonal options like the copper IUD.

3. Antidepressants

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant medication that can lower your sex drive. Some common SSRIs are sertraline (Zoloft) and escitalopram (Lexapro).

SSRIs work by raising serotonin levels in the brain, which can help boost your mood. But higher serotonin levels can also make you feel less interested in sex, Thomas says.

“Many women report lowered sexual drive when on SSRIs, but the most commonly reported side effect is difficulty reaching orgasm,” says Thomas. This is important because if you can’t orgasm, you may feel less interested in having sex.

If you’re having these symptoms, you may want to talk to your doctor about changing your dose or trying a different medication.

4. Diabetes

Having diabetes can reduce your sex drive, particularly if your blood sugar levels aren’t stable. When your diabetes isn’t well controlled, you’re more likely to have nerve damage and issues with blood circulation, which could affect sex drive.  

“Diabetes affects the small blood vessels and nerves that feed and innervate the genital region,” Thomas says. “Thus, people who have the disease can experience a lack of sensation and feeling.”

Working with your doctor to get your diabetes under control may help bring back your sex drive and make it easier for you to feel aroused.

5. Not sleeping enough

Missing out on sleep can throw off your nervous system, which controls most of your bodily functions, including your sex drive. “Anything that disrupts the fine-tuning of this system, like lack of sleep, will negatively impact sexuality,” Thomas says.

To deal with the stress from lack of sleep, your body produces more of a stress hormone called cortisol, while decreasing your levels of sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone, Thomas says. When these hormones take a dip, your sexual desire will too.

Not getting enough sleep can also make you feel irritable and fatigued, Thomas says, which can make it harder to get in the mood. Sleeping the recommended 7-9 hours a night can help rebalance your hormones, mood, and sex drive.

6. Depression

“Depression is a prime reason for not wanting to be sexual or not being able to focus when one is sexually engaged,” Thomas says.

This is because depression can cause serious symptoms like intense sadness and affect how your body functions. “These emotions can impact sleep, lead to fatigue, lack of motivation and decreased self-esteem, all things that lead away from a hearty sexual appetite,” Thomas says.

Getting treatment for depression using therapy or medication may help your energy and sex drive return.

7. Stress

When you’re feeling stressed out, your sex drive can take a hit. “Women who find themselves stressed from job demands, children, and family responsibilities have little energy left over to focus on sex,” Thomas says.

Over time, stress can also raise your levels of cortisol and lower testosterone and estrogen, making it harder for you to get aroused.

Cutting down on stressful activities, exercising, and practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help lower your stress levels.

8. Low self-esteem

If you feel bad about yourself, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex. This is especially true if you don’t like the way your body looks – you may be less likely to ask for sex or to feel comfortable getting intimate.

Your interest in being sexual often changes based on how you see yourself, Thomas says, including how attractive you feel, your body image, and your overall self-esteem, Thomas says.

Seeing a therapist or practicing gratitude may be a good first step to work on raising your self-esteem.

9. Heart disease

Heart disease decreases the blood flow throughout your body, including to your vagina and vulva. “Since blood flow to the genitals is what defines arousal, decreases most definitely have some impact,” Thomas says.

Cardiovascular symptoms such as fatigue, shortness of breath and chest pain also play a role,” by making sex more exhausting and difficult, Thomas says. Working with your doctor to regulate heart disease symptoms may be a good option to give your sex drive a boost.

10. Relationship problems

“One of the most common things we hear from women is how much issues in their relationship relate to their decreased interest in sex,” Thomas says.

Conflicts, mistrust, and stress can push you and your partner further apart, making it harder to feel intimate. “In order to feel sexually drawn to our partners we must like them first,” Thomas says.

Going to couples therapy may be a good option if you’re facing issues in your relationship. “Often these aspects of the relationship need to be addressed in order to even begin healing sexually,” Thomas says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“For lots of us, lockdown has been a time of sexual self-discovery”

by

Much has been written about the global ‘sex recession’, with studies showing that – for reasons both practical and psychological – we’re having much less of it right now. It makes sense: social distancing and a very stressful year will do that to us. But there’s a flipside to this coin.

The recession stories focus on a pretty small part of the sexual spectrum. Yes, it’s true that partnered, in-person sex will have inevitably taken a back seat if you’re single, but the unprecedented boom in sex toys, online communities and sexual wellness brands suggests many of us have been putting all this alone time to good use. The past year has been a period of slowdown that’s prompted us to look inwards and reflect – and naturally, that’s extended to getting to know ourselves and our bodies a little better.

“For women especially, lockdown put the brakes on the idea that we’ve got to look for someone else to have a fulfilling sex life and made us think, ‘Actually, I’m going to do this for myself’,” says Lucy-Anne Holmes, author of Women On Top Of The World and speaker on the WOW UK Festival’s Sex In Lockdown panel. “We’ve long had this script of sex that’s penetrative and heterosexual, but of the hundreds of women I’ve spoken to for my book, most said that was their least favourite part of sex.” 

Her fellow panelist Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah, co-founder of Adventures From The Bedrooms Of African Women, agrees it’s high time we stopped thinking of sex as a two (or more) person job. “Masturbation is a form of sex we still tend to disregard,” she says. “But a lot of times, myself included, we can have the best solo orgasms and really lacklustre experiences with somebody else. You can absolutely have amazing sex on your own – and by necessity, more people are realising that.”

The proof is in our online shopping baskets. In the first two weeks of lockdown alone, sales of adult toys jumped 25% across the UK, while luxury vibrator brand Lelo has seen a 40% rise in orders over the past year and searches for ‘sexual wellness’ on Cult Beauty rose by a huge 850% in March. Globally, health organisations have encouraged self-pleasure as a sensible way to get our kicks in lockdown, and New York City recently told single residents concerned about Covid-19 restrictions that “you are your safest sex partner”.

Of course, the major shift to solo action has largely been out of our hands, but more of us than ever are clearly recognising the importance of sexual self-care and the effect it can have on our overall wellbeing. “Orgasm is the new apple a day,” sexologist Megan Stubbs recently told NPR. “It can help boost your immune system, boost your mood, decrease pain, reduce headaches, help you sleep better, give you better-looking skin, put a smile on your face – there really are no drawbacks.” When you consider this joyful list alongside studies showing that 78% of us feel happier and less stressed after an orgasm, it makes total sense that we’d see a spike in free, feel-good fun during a global pandemic.

And particularly for women, non-binary and queer people – historically the least encouraged by society to express our sexuality freely – being at home, in a safe space where we can explore on our own terms, has prompted some very positive developments.

Taylor Larbert, 28, has certainly seen the benefits. “Being trans, lots of my conversations and experiences connected to sex have been quite difficult or traumatic in the past,” she says. “But in lockdown I’ve come to have a really loving relationship with my body and my sexuality: I’ve had the space to figure out what I like and what I don’t, and I feel infinitely more powerful than I did a year ago.”

Hers is a story playing out across the country, as people use the time to tap into their true desires and try new things. The stay-at-home order has forced many sex-positive communities and events to go completely virtual – and this has actually caused numbers to skyrocket.

“It’s been a massive time for self-discovery,” says Emma Sayle, originator of the ‘zorgy’ (Zoom orgy) and founder of sexual empowerment platform Killing Kittens. “I’ve seen it first hand: there’s been a huge surge in people joining our virtual workshops. Beginners’ guides to kink, BDSM and tantric massages have been sellouts, so we’ve had to run more to keep up with demand.”

“We’ve also been finding that more than 50% of people coming to our events are first-timers; people who never would’ve dared to come to an IRL sex party or erotic workshop before Covid. But because they can engage from their own sofas, free to close their laptops at any time, it has opened up a whole new world for them to explore, join in, ask questions and find like-minded people.”

Poet, playwright and performer Dr Jessi Parrott makes one very important point though: for queer and disabled people especially, a lot of these markers of our new ‘pandemic sex lives’ are not really new at all.

“Having to navigate different avenues for sexual expression – online, for example – is something marginalised groups have long had to do, because the spaces for us to be together physically have often been quite fraught,” they say. “When your bodies and minds don’t fit with a stereotypical ideal of sexuality, expressing yourself sexually is quite a radical thing in itself.”

For Parrott, an extended period at home has brought them closer to themselves, though. “During this past lockdown, I’ve come to understand that I’m non-binary and that has changed my relationship with my body in a way I wouldn’t have thought possible. I’ve often had quite a clinical, detached relationship with my body and put that down to being disabled, but actually that was a lot to do with this form of dysphoria I’d been experiencing – and so these past few months have been revelatory and really lovely. I’ve realised that until you’re properly at home in your own body, you can’t necessarily experience pleasure and full sexual liberation.”

And that’s the crux of it: we deserve to spend time getting to know our innermost truths, wants and needs, to lavish the attention we tend to offer sexual partners on ourselves, too. Granted, many of us just don’t have the desire or mental space to focus on sex right now – and that’s OK – but as Holmes points out, it can be a vital part of taking care of both our body and mind.

“Having your own sense of sexual identity and making space for it is so important,” she says. “Sex is one of the best ways to connect to our body and listen to it. To ask, what do I need right now? Do I need to be caressed, do I need healing, do I need tension release?

“We’re so conditioned to focus on being desirable, but this is the perfect time to ask yourself what you desire. Take this time to think about what you really want – and then dare to go towards it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Do We Date and Have Sex When Vaccinated (or Not)?

By Dharushana Muthulingam

One year into lockdown measures in the U.S., life remains radically altered for most people. There have been 526,000 deaths in the U.S. and 2.6 million deaths in the world due to COVID-19. There are also multiple highly effective vaccines against virus. Rollout is slow, uneven, but steadily continues, and with it, the hope of returning to social interaction.

As of this writing, more than 18% of the U.S. population has received at least one dose of a vaccine. As more people acquire immunity, there are growing questions about what activities are safe for vaccinated people, how they might interact with each other and with the mostly unvaccinated larger public.

On March 9, the CDC released interim guidelines for individuals who are fully vaccinated. The major concern has been that while we know clinical trials have demonstrated that the vaccines are very effective at reducing illness, we did not know whether the vaccines reduce transmission to others.

Preliminary data suggests that the vaccines do indeed reduce the risk of passing the virus onto others. However, there’s still some uncertainty about whether it reduces it enough to prevent meaningful transmission, especially if there are additional surges (likely) with high levels of circulating virus. There is also still some concern that while the vaccines are effective against several new viral variants, that may not be the case for all variants.

So what do the interim guidelines mean for day-to-day life? There have been so many devastating consequences of social isolation: sick patients dying alone, grandparents who have not seen their grandchildren, and the crushing difficulty of raising children without outside support. One of the less-discussed questions I get from patients, friends, and family is about the impact of immunity on sex and dating.

Social animals need touch and companionship, and that includes sex and sexuality. Any sustainable public health measures must account for these needs. Many individuals who do not have partners within their household have had unique difficulties in navigating dating and sexual connection during pandemic social distancing measures.

And while the federal government anticipates having an adequate vaccine supply for all Americans by the end of summer, for the next several months, there will still be a great number who are not yet vaccinated. How do people navigate dating and sex during an ongoing pandemic?

One option has been for people to refrain entirely from any kind of dating or sex. We learned that this is not a sustainable strategy in the last pandemic—HIV/AIDS. Initially, in response to a troubling wave of young gay men dying (soon followed by others), the official government response was to advise abstinence. What we have learned repeatedly is that this is ineffective.

Several public health departments recall the lessons we learned during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, including dusting off the almost 40-year-old pamphlet “How to Have Sex in an Epidemic.” Recognizing sex and sexuality as a fundamental human need, they have issued guidelines on how to have safe sex during a pandemic.

Public health officials in the Netherlands, New York, British Columbia, and others have issued pragmatic guidelines for risk navigation. Whereas in STI prevention, the central tenet was to minimize the exchange of body fluids, with COVID-19, it is to minimize air exchange.

Those who have partners outside their household should get tested regularly for COVID-19 (about five to seven days after a sexual encounter). Quarantining before and after exposure can minimize transmission to others. Harm reduction is fluid—increasing transmission in one area of life (e.g., an outside sexual partner) can pair with decreasing it in other areas (e.g., quarantining, grocery deliveries). Take into account the COVID-19 dynamics in your region, increasing precautions if cases are increasing and hospitals are taxed.

For those who are vaccinated, using current CDC guidelines, here are general guidelines for dating others outside your household:

  • You can hang out with another fully vaccinated person indoors without a mask.
  • You can hang out with another unvaccinated person indoors without a mask, as long as that person does not have any conditions putting them at higher risk for severe COVID-19 illness.
  • You will have to navigate how much trust you have in someone’s stated vaccination status.
  • You can still hang outdoors, six feet apart, especially with a mask.
  • You should still avoid hanging out with unvaccinated individuals from more than one household and medium- or large-size gatherings. This includes activities like indoor dining.
  • When you are in public among people from more than one household, you should continue to mask, stay six feet apart, and avoid poorly ventilated or crowded spaces.

Finally, continue safe sex practices that also prevent unintended pregnancy and infections that are not COVID-19, including chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, and syphilis. Even prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, STIs were at a record high in the United States. Infections such as chlamydia and gonorrhea had been increasing 3 to 5%, and syphilis had risen 15%.

“These areas of public health have been underfunded for decades,” notes Dr. Hilary Reno, an associate professor of Medicine at Washington University and also the medical director of the St. Louis County Sexual Health Clinic and CDC Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention consultant. The COVID-19 pandemic has taxed this further. There were shortages of chlamydia and gonorrhea tests as manufacturers repurposed swabs for COVID-19 tests. Contact tracers who would normally follow up with partners of infected individuals are now pulled into COVID-19 efforts.

Although many of STIs are curable (chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis) or effectively managed (HIV), untreated they can have lasting consequences. “People are still getting STIs, but they aren’t getting tested, so now we have these undetected infections,” Dr. Reno notes. “When are they going to present? How are they going to present?”

It is important to continue to communicate about sexual consent, use barrier protection, and get tested regularly for both COVID-19 (if you are not yet vaccinated) as well as STIs. As more data about transmission emerges and more people get vaccinated, follow updates on recommended guidelines.

Sex, sexuality, and companionship are a critical part of human health and well-being. We already have decades of experience that an abstinence-only approach, stigma, and shame just exacerbate transmission and make risky behavior secretive. Providing people with reliable information and tools for the prevention of both COVID-19 and STIs allows them to sustainably and realistically navigate their lives while also keeping safe.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Looking for Sexual Healing?

By Judith Newman

BOOM CHICKA BOOM CHICKA WAH WAH. A-BOOM CHICKA BOOM CHICKA WAH — It’s time for sex!

Wait, where are you going? Get back here.

Admittedly, 2020 wasn’t the sexiest year on record. As I write, there are ongoing studies by the National Institute of Mental Health and various health organizations trying to determine what the pandemic has done to our sexuality. There are studies that find married couples having more sex (because really what else do they have to do?), even though hampered by the omnipresence of children; and single people having way less, abandoning their quest for la petite mort to avoid la grande one. The public service messages want to sound sex-positive in the midst of uncertainty, but somehow I didn’t find myself cheered by the oft-quoted “You are your safest sex partner” — and even after that, we were admonished to wash our hands.

But slowly we are being vaccinated, we are being freed; and soon Thanatos and Eros may not be so scarily intertwined. Here’s hoping.

THE 80/80 MARRIAGE: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship (Penguin Life, 240 pp., $26) is extremely well intentioned. Nate and Kaley Klemp, a high-powered executive coaching duo, found their marriage was foundering because of a very modern problem: the quest for “fairness.” With the idea that everything needs to be 50/50, life becomes a constant negotiation: If I’m stacking the dishes in the dishwasher, why are you playing Civilization and not reading to the kids? The bickering was endless — and was not even an improvement on what they deemed the 80/20 model of “traditional” married couples, where the women generally had most of the responsibilities for the home. At least, the Klemps theorized, there was comfort in clearly defined gender roles. No one argued over who stacked the dishes.

So Nate and Kaley came up with the concept of the 80/80 marriage, where you don’t strive for perfection but everyone gives 80 percent (yes, the number is random, don’t worry about it). Here, the mind-set is not “If I win, you lose,” it’s “If I give a lot and you give a lot, we both win.”

They take their idea of “radical generosity” into the bedroom, quoting the marriage therapist Corey Allan: “How you do life is how you do sex. How you do sex is how you do life.” So you have to put yourself out there, sometimes in uncomfortable ways. If, for example, you are the less randy partner, you don’t just say, “I’m not in the mood.” You say, “I’m not in the mood now, but how about tomorrow?” This not only softens the sting of rejection; it quells anxiety and keeps the affection bubbling. (The caveat being, don’t be an idiot. Put out, and do it with joy.)

I love the idea of making generosity the focus of a book, and a relationship. Then I think about actual human beings. The book has a chapter devoted to what you do when you have a spouse who is utterly unwilling to change from being a taker to being a giver. Let’s just say that I think that’s the first chapter most readers will turn to.

In SEX POINTS: Reclaim Your Sex Life With the Revolutionary Multi-Point System (Hachette Go, 320 pp., $28), Bat Sheva Marcus has come up with a way to visualize your sex life as a circle with four quadrants — desire, pain, arousal and orgasm — and how many points you gain or lose when taking the mother of all quizzes that she’s devised here determines where you are in your overall satisfaction levels. You might be anywhere from 160 (swinging from the chandeliers) to well below 100 (hanging by a thread). It’s like Sudoku for shtupping.

The book then tackles the most common problems that keep us from having great sex; Marcus is a believer in doing whatever it takes to surmount a sexual obstacle. (Botox for vaginismus: Who knew?) What’s refreshing about “Sex Points” is that it starts with the assumption that bad sex isn’t always some deep-seated psychological problem — that in fact, for both men and women, it is often physical, and it’s the physical problem left unsolved that leads to anxiety, stress and avoidance.

“I’ve had patients quote their therapist’s telling them that their vaginal pain was their vagina’s way of telling them that they ‘weren’t ready’ to have sex,” Marcus writes. “Oh, really? Or maybe it was actually their vagina telling them that it was actually time to find a new therapist.”

Stephen K. Stein’s SADOMASOCHISM AND THE BDSM COMMUNITY IN THE UNITED STATES: Kinky People Unite (Routledge, 220 pp., paper, $44.95) has an alluring title that led me to believe I’d learn a thing or two; imagine my surprise to discover that Stein is an academic from the University of Memphis, and this is a serious volume chronicling the rise of the B.D.S.M. movement in America — “from scattered networks of sadomasochists and the bars, businesses and magazine publishers who catered to this small, maligned sexual practice in the 1950s” to today’s “coherent community grounded in a shared literature, led by local and national organizations, and bound by shared principles epitomized by the phrase ‘safe, sane, consensual.’”

Still, the book did end up having a self-help component. It pointed me toward two of the oldest B.D.S.M. organizations in the country, the Janus and Eulenspiegel Societies, each of which runs online workshops on perfecting any kink skill you can imagine, from creating a submissive résumé to self-bondage (I guess that one’s really for the pandemic), whipping techniques and several things I’d never heard of before. I must say, after some initial alarm, I was pleased to discover that “pet play” doesn’t involve any actual pets.

I am not the audience for many of the books I review; if I were, they’d all be titled “Sex for Desperate Women of a Certain Age.” (Coincidentally, that’s the title of my match.com profile.) But even when I’m not the demo, I know what works. THE GREAT SEX RESCUE: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended (Baker Books, 272 pp., $16.99) is brought to you by the people who run the popular Christian marriage blog To Love, Honor and Vacuum, which answers questions like “Am I tainted by sex before marriage?” And the author, Sheila Wray Gregoire, begins with this interesting premise: “What if our evangelical treatment for sex issues make things worse?”

“The Great Sex Rescue” explores Christian teachings on sex against a backdrop of academic research on evangelism and sexuality. A chapter entitled “Your Spouse Is Not Your Methadone” is intriguing in its exploration of how one idea central to Christian sex education — that men must have to constantly control their lust and women are the sexual gatekeepers — has been disastrous for many couples. Traditionally women are blamed for men’s porn addiction. Gregoire puts the blame squarely with the addict.

I don’t want to leave the impression that Gregoire writes about sex in a punitive fashion, though. Far from it. There is a lot of joy in these pages. In fact, I’d like to suggest she retitle her book: “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.”

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How to Be a Better Lover

— In and Out of the Bedroom

by Gabrielle Kassel

Maybe your current boo told you to up your game (ouch). Maybe you’ve always harbored sneaking suspicions that you’re subpar in the sack. Or maybe you just want to join the Greats.

Regardless, you’re here because you think you’re bad in bed — or at the very least, could be better.

Well, we’ve got some good news: It’s actually not possible to be bad in bed. Really!

That said, it is possible for your communication skills to need an upgrade. Or for your sex life to need a little zhuzhing up. This guide can help on both fronts.

Got an FWB coming over in 30 minutes and want tips stat? Or planning to get your flirt (and freak) on at the bar tonight? These tips are for you.

Listen to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues

Carly S., pleasure expert and founder of Dildo or Dildon’t, says there’s one caveat to the “It’s not possible to be bad in bed” thesis statement.

“If you’re completely ignoring your partner’s attempts to communicate with you, and steamrolling them into doing whatever you want, you’re a bad lover,” she says. TBH, at this point, you’re not having sex with your partner — you’re violating them.

Your move: Tune into what your partner is saying with their words, mouths, hands, and body.

“Are they pulling you closer? Or are they pushing you away?” asks Megan Stubbs, EdD, a clinical sexologist and author of “Playing Without a Partner: A Singles’ Guide to Sex, Dating, and Happiness”.

“Are they shifting their hips away from you, or toward you?”

These body cues can give you insight into what they like and don’t like.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

“Your partner isn’t a mind-reader,” Stubbs says. “For them to know what you do and don’t like, you have to tell them.”

For the record, she says, communicating can be as simple as saying:

  • “That feels good! How does it feel for you?”
  • “Yes! That!”
  • “A little more pressure, please!”
  • “Is your tongue getting tired?”
  • “Can you do that thing you were doing earlier instead?”

Check your ego at the door

If your ego is telling you, “If they need lube, it’s because they don’t like you” or “If they want a vibrator, it’s because you’re inadequate,” tell your ego to shut up.

“Sex toys and sexual wellness aids are inanimate objects that are designed to increase how pleasurable the sexual encounter is,” Carly says.

So, she says, if your partner expresses an interest in bringing those into the bedroom, your first thought shouldn’t be “I’m not good enough.” It should be “Wow! My partner wants to experience pleasure with me.”

Before we talk about the trees, let’s talk about the forest…

Confidence

“Confidence is a work in progress for everybody — but it’s work worth doing especially, if you want to be a better lover,” Carly says.

Confidence, she says, is key to asking for what you want in bed, graciously receiving feedback from your partner, and more.

To build up confidence, she suggests:

  1. repeating a self-love mantra to yourself every morning
  2. curating your digital spaces and unfollowing people who make you question your worth
  3. writing a list of things you like about yourself every week
  4. leaving a partner who puts you down
  5. trying therapy

Communication

Sensing a common theme?

“[Communication] should be happening before, during, and after sex,” Stubbs says.

Before sex, talk about:

During sex, talk about:

  • how it feels physically
  • what you’re feeling emotionally or spiritually
  • what you need to feel safe
  • if or when you want it to end

After sex, talk about:

  • how it felt emotionally and physically
  • if it’s something you want to do again
  • what you need in this exact moment (water, food, blankets, etc.)

Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is a strong excitement of feeling.

In other words, it’s the antithesis of apathy.

And who the heck wants to get it on with someone who’s acting *shrug emoji* about having sex with them? Specific kinks aside, very few pleasure seekers do.

Some ways to express enthusiasm during sex:

  • Tell them you like how they look, smell, taste, or feel.
  • Compliment them.
  • Verbally and nonverbally affirm what feels good.

  • Don’t fake your orgasm

    Faking your orgasm is the opposite of communicating what you want in bed, according to Stubbs. “Faking orgasms positively reinforces bad technique,” she says.

    If you’ve been faking it up to this point, you could have an open and honest conversation. You might, for example, consider saying:

    “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you emotionally and physically. But, before we continue having sex, I want to be transparent about the fact that I’ve been faking my orgasms. It isn’t that the sex hasn’t felt good — it has! — but I’ve been too shy to ask for what I need to orgasm. Do you think next time it would be OK if I touched my clit during sex?”

    Another option is to stop faking your orgasm, and start helping your partner bring you to orgasm.

    Masturbate

    Now that you’re getting laid, you might be tempted to let your solo sex life fall by the wayside.

    Don’t!

    “Having a masturbation practice makes it easier for you to know what you like sexually and easier to communicate that to your partner,” Carly says. In other words, solo sex might lend itself to better partnered sex.

    There are ways to be a better lover to your new(ish) partner.

    Begin talking about sex more

    Specifically: When you’re fully clothed.

    “Talking about sex outside the bedroom automatically makes it a lower stakes conversation,” Carly says. “Because of that, it can become easier for people to talk about their fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, and more.”

    You might do this by:

    • asking your partner if they find a sex scene on the screen hot
    • inviting your partner to help you pick out underwear
    • watching a sexy music video together
    • telling your partner when you feel randomly aroused
    • sharing your sex dreams with your partner

    Make a yes/no/maybe list together

    Whether you and your partner see yourselves as being sexually adventurous, or not, Stubbs recommends spending an evening filling out a yes/no/maybe list (like this one or this one).

    “Doing so will give you both an opportunity to talk about your desires openly,” she says, “which is something good lovers give their partner’s space to do.”

    Take an online sex workshop together

    Who says pandemic-friendly date nights are limited to take-out, Netflix, and physically distanced walks?

    Try attending an online workshop together about sex, kink, or intimacy.

    You might say:

    • “Hey, are you free Saturday night? I found a fun Zoom event about [X]. I thought it could be fun!”
    • “I’m going to attend this online workshop I found on Thursday. Any interest in attending with me? It’s going to be all about [X], which is something I want to learn more about!”

    To find an event, you can search the #queersexeducator, #sexeducator, and #sexworkshop hashtags on Instagram and Twitter.

    That one caveat withstanding, being bad in bed may not be possible.

    But it doesn’t mean that improving your communication skills, learning to express your enthusiasm, working on your self-confidence and ego, and adding new “sextivities” to your repertoire can’t make you a better lover — they all can.

    Don’t take our word for it. Try ’em out yourself. The proof will be in the pudding pleasure.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is pelvic pain?

And what can you do to treat it?

By Anna Iovine

If you’ve ever experienced pain during sex — or when inserting a tampon or just putting on pants — you’re not alone. You may be experiencing pelvic pain.

Pelvic pain is a broad term, almost obnoxiously so. By definition, it is pain below the navel without an identifiable cause for over six months, according to experts such as Dr. Sonia Bahlani, pelvic pain specialist and OB/GYN. Bahlani said the time aspect of the diagnosis is debatable, however, because in her view a patient shouldn’t have to suffer for months in order to receive treatment. (Full disclosure, Bahlani treated me for my own pelvic pain.)

Experiencing pain in such a sensitive area can be deeply frustrating, but what can be even more vexing is getting appropriate care for it. In the United States, doctors can be especially dismissive of women’s pain, especially that of Black women and other women of color. Having professionals shrug off suffering is hurtful no matter where it occurs; when it’s the most intimate area of your body, it can be especially devastating. 

I know what pelvic pain and treatment are like firsthand — and I know how difficult it can be to find resources. While this is not medical advice, the below is expert insight into pelvic pain and the ways that you can get help:

How do I know I have pelvic pain?

While Bahlani isn’t a huge fan of the term herself, some clinicians say that pelvic pain is a “diagnosis of exclusion.” This means there’s not another diagnosable problem from which the pain stems such as an STI, bacterial vaginosis, or another condition. 

If you’re experiencing pelvic pain, the best place to start is to get cleared of any such issues by a gynecologist or a urogynecologist (a doctor that specializes in both gynecology and urology), said Dr. Amanda Olson. Olson is also president and CCO of Intimate Rose, which provides tools such as dilators designed to help relieve some types of pelvic pain.

What if my doctor can’t find anything wrong?

If you receive a diagnosis, such as an STI, your focus will probably shift to treating that. But your tests could all come back normal and your doctor could say “everything looks fine” — even if you don’t feel fine. 

First off: Know your pain is real. Studies show that up to 32 percent of women can experience chronic pelvic pain, but both Bahlani and urogynecologist Dr. Betsy Greenleaf agree that the stats aren’t giving the full picture because pelvic pain is underreported.  

“Most would argue that at least over 50 percent of the population have experienced some sort of pelvic pain at some point in their lives, whether that’s resolved or not,” said Bahlani.

First off: Know your pain is real.

What’s more is that anyone, no matter their anatomy, can experience pelvic pain; it can be felt vaginally or rectally. Ten percent of men say they experience pelvic pain yet “these statistics are grossly underreported, especially in men,” said Greenleaf. 

Underreporting happens for multiple reasons. One is that people don’t seek care for pain like this, which has a myriad of causes, including financial concerns. Further, these studies of women and men only include cis patients, leaving out the non-binary and trans population.

Pelvic pain, like other chronic pain, can also come and go, Bahlani pointed out. It can flare up and then settle down, so people may not seek care in the hopes that it’ll disappear.

To be clear, if your doctor cannot land on a definitive medical diagnosis, that does not mean your condition isn’t real or that you shouldn’t seek out ways to alleviate the pain.

How do you know when to seek help for pelvic pain?

One factor that can deter people from seeking care is the mistaken belief that pelvic pain is “normal,” something to just get used to. That’s the biggest misconception pelvic health physical therapist Sara Reardon sees. Reardon, owner of NOLA Pelvic Health and founder of The Vagina Whisperer, an online resource for pelvic health education, says people think they’re just supposed to “deal” with the pain.

“My rule of thumb is if you feel like pain is interfering with some aspect of your life, whether it’s your mental health or sexual health or your exercise or just wearing pants,” said Reardon, “then that is a problem that needs attention.”

Reardon, however, knows the pitfalls of the healthcare system and how it impacts care. “You have to be an advocate for your own health,” she said. That can mean more than just going to your primary care doctor or gynecologist — it can mean asking for a referral to a physical therapist and researching specialized providers who are educated in treating pelvic pain.

There no one-stop shop for pelvic pain treatment

Our current system isn’t set up with clearcut protocols for seeking pelvic care — which can lead to going deep down Google rabbit holes. While it’s less than ideal to try to self-diagnose online, social media and the internet are important sources of information, Bahlani said. She warns, however, that those researching should be aware of the sources. “Oftentimes, you can see well-meaning Reddit groups and blog groups and support groups that have people who are trying to put information out there, but it’s not necessarily evidence-based,” she said. “It’s more patient stories of what worked for them and what didn’t work.”

We’re all individuals, and what relieved someone else’s pelvic pain may not relieve yours. This is why seeking out quality care is essential, but even some doctors may not be well-versed in this subject or know to take it seriously even absent a diagnosis of a specific condition. It’s just not taught in general residency, Bahlani said. She herself had to undergo a fellowship to be efficiently trained.

“The most well-intentioned, well-meaning doctors without the background [of pelvic health] can often lead to misdiagnosis, underdiagnosis,” said Bahlani, which can lead to “punting” the patient around from doctor to doctor.

Mis- or under-diagnosis can lead to a cycle of pain: One may wonder if their pain is real and feel frustrated that medical professionals don’t know what’s up.

“Once a patient has the courage to bring up a problem and then it feels dismissed — it shuts them down,” said Reardon. “It’s an unfortunate situation because then the problem’s not resolved.”

How to find a pelvic health specialist or pelvic floor physical therapist

Pain can be a symptom of another condition, such as endometriosis, or it may have no obvious cause. After you’ve been cleared of other conditions by a (uro)gynecologist, the next step is to find or receive a referral a doctor who specializes in pelvic pain, or receive a referral to a physical therapist who treats pelvic floor issues. Sometimes, one leads to another.

To use myself as an example, I met with Dr. Bahlani, who then prescribed physical therapy as part of my treatment. A physical therapist may also recommend a specialist physician to you, as well.

Know what to look for when searching online for a doctor or physical therapist in your area. Check their bios for education and experience with treating pelvic pain. A specialist should’ve received additional pelvic floor training, like the fellowship that Bahlani completed. A pelvic floor physical therapist should’ve completed training on the pelvic floor, as well.

Seeing a pelvic health specialist helps you “peel the onion,” as Bahlani and Olson put it, to finding the cause — or causes — of your pain. This is critical in making a treatment plan. More often than not, in Bahlani’s experience, pelvic pain is multifactorial. Patients often leave — as I did — with more than one diagnosis. There’s a myriad of conditions that your PCP or OBGYN may not be versed in such as pelvic floor dysfunction or vestibulodynia, pain in the area around the vaginal opening.

“We try to identify [the causes] because it alters the trajectory of our treatment strategies,” Bahlani said. The treatment for pelvic floor dysfunction, for example, is different from the treatment for vestibulodynia.

“We can absolutely elucidate the different factors that play a role in pelvic pain, and that’s important to guide our therapy,” said Bahlani. But should we focus on why it happened? “No,” she said, “because the answer to that is often unknown.” 

Correlation isn’t causation. If you’ve had a history of, say, horseback riding and now you’re going through pelvic pain — it’s quite possible that the riding played a factor, but you’ll never know for sure and it doesn’t matter now. What matters is the pain you’re experiencing currently and the treatment that can help. 

I had a C-section — why do I have pelvic pain?

Pregnancy and childbirth, of course, can cause a variety of issues that lead to pelvic pain. One common misperception that Kim Vopni, a pelvic health coach known as the Vagina Coach, sees in her work is that people believe that if they won’t experience pelvic pain if they haven’t given birth, or if they give birth via Cesarean section.

Changes during pregnancy affect the pelvic floor, Reardon explained. Any type of abdominal surgery, particularly Cesarean sections, can also affect the pelvic floor. So it’s not at all uncommon for people to experience pelvic pain after a C-section.

It’s important to remember, though, that anyone can experience pelvic pain at any stage of life — regardless of whether they’ve ever been pregnant or given birth.

How do I treat pelvic pain?

As with pain itself, the treatment is individualized for you; it’s why you can’t trust Reddit or other forums to have the solution. The good news is there’s a variety of potential treatments, from physical therapy to tools like Intimate Rose to procedures done in a doctor’s office.

Bahlani’s philosophy is to give patients the tools to treat themselves because pelvic pain can come and go. She said, “You want to be the master of your own body when it comes to this.”

A physical therapist or a specialist will help guide you through treatment. Thanks to the broken U.S. healthcare system, however, many treatments — and often visits with specialists themselves — aren’t covered by insurance.

“You want to be the master of your own body.”

“Insurances don’t acknowledge [pelvic pain] as a thing,” Bahlani explained. “They say, ‘It’s just pain.'” This, she continued, leaves patients with unanswered questions and unmet needs from in-network providers.

If in-network professionals aren’t giving you the care you need or the cost is prohibitive, there are resources online to expand your knowledge of pelvic pain and treatment. While there is no substitute for qualified medical care, you can at least learn more about pelvic health and tactics that may help alleviate your pain.

One good resource is Pelvic Gym, which provides educational and exercise tutorial programs made by professionals — including Olson of Intimate Rose. There are videos and collections of videos, called programs, that address pain as well as a range of topics like sexual wellbeing and pregnancy. The platform was created by the team at Ohnut, a wearable to help with pain during deep penetration.

The pelvic health experts interviewed here are all also on Instagram: Bahlani @pelvicpaindoc; Olson @intimaterose; Reardon @the.vagina.whisperer; and Vopni @vaginacoach.

Again, these accounts and programs don’t replace seeing a medical professional — even if they’re run by professionals — but they can provide education and the reassurance that there is help out there.

Pelvic pain can be agonizing, but dealing with it shouldn’t be. Know that you don’t need to go through it alone, and that you can have relief.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Overcome Religious Shame in Your Sex Life

By Lindsey Ellefson

If you were raised to see sex and sexuality as a source of shame and embarrassment, you might notice that such feelings tend to linger, no matter how educated, open-minded, and open-legged you consider yourself today. If you come from a religious background, it’s probably even worse.

Fortunately, many religious leaders and secular counselors in the year of our Lord 2021 know that hardline teachings on sexual expression and orientation don’t do much to draw in the spiritually wayward, and can even ostracize believers. So whether you’re trying to balance your religious leanings with your carnal desires or overcome shame you internalized as a child and dragged into bed in your agnostic adulthood, we called on experts who can help.

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex

In a lot of religious households and communities, talking about sexuality is off limits, but refusing to talk about something doesn’t make it go away. A 28-year-old erotic artist in Philadelphia who goes by Claire Voyant tells Lifehacker that her religious upbringing is still causing problems in her sex life, but she’s slowly working through them by talking to friends and counselors.

Leo Morton, an associate pastor and drag queen in North Carolina, suggests the same, adding, “Everybody needs two really good things in this world: One is a good hairdresser and the other is a good counselor.” Morton is openly gay, but found that when he first spoke to a clergy member about his same-sex attraction in his youth, he was shut down and told not to bring it up. Obviously, that approach didn’t make him less gay—and not talking about sexuality isn’t going to make you less randy, either, only more needlessly ashamed of being so. Not acknowledging your sexuality only leads to repression, and that’s how archaic ideas about sex lead to such a pervasive shame. Talking about sex helps you to break the cycle before the cycle breaks you.

Fortunately, there are specialized counselors who can help—people like Kevin Salazar, a psychotherapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City, who tells Lifehacker they see lingering shame in their work often.

“I find it is common for clients who grew up in a conservative religious environment to feel shame around how they experience (or don’t experience) sexual and romantic attraction. Folks may feel shame about acting on their attraction even in a supportive and consensual environment,” they say.

Sex-positive friends can help, too

Counseling isn’t the only option, as friends make great listeners, too. Claire, who is also a retired sex worker, explains that because her Catholic education taught her that sexual pleasure was a woman’s duty to provide a man, she has struggled well into her late 20s to masturbate or focus on her own enjoyment during the partnered encounters she began having once she decided not to wait for marriage—in itself is a big step for people with a similar upbringing. Talking to friends, she says, helps, though she does admit she feels “jealousy” toward those who grew up in more liberal households and don’t really get where she’s coming from.

“I totally feel like the odd person out sometimes, like I’m hiding in plain sight,” she says.

Salazar explains, “Folks who grew up in a conservative religious environment and now have a liberal, sex-positive community have also expressed feeling isolated and not understood by their peers who did not experience the same kinds of shame and stigma.”

In some cases, a “hair of the dog” approach might work, especially if you’re still spiritual. Consider talking to insiders who can relate. Not all religious leaders are like the one Morton encountered when he was first questioning his sexuality, especially in this day and age. If you’re trying to square the sexual part of yourself with the religious or spiritual part, you don’t need to pick one.

“The shame and stigma the church has propagated around sexuality—regardless of orientation or gender—is longstanding,” says Rev. Mandy McDow, senior minister at Los Angeles First United Methodist Church, who strives to make sure her congregation is welcoming to members of the LGBTQ+ community and sex workers. “It has been a way in which the church has exercised power and dominion over the vulnerable, which is an actual sin.”

Find community online

Welcoming spaces also exist outside of traditional churches, the most obvious and vast option being right here, on the Internet.

“There are various religious and spiritual communities that will be welcoming and expansive in their understandings of gender, sex, and sexuality,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center. “And if it’s important for you to be a part of a specific church that tends to have more repressive teachings, there are often variations in how the teachings are discussed based on geography and in progressive online spaces.”

Learn how to talk to yourself about sex

Don’t be afraid to work on yourself, by yourself, and for yourself. As Claire can attest, sex isn’t all about your relationship to someone else; it’s just as much about you. Salazar recommends journaling and listening to related podcasts or reading books; Claire suggests reading columns like this one, then taking time to explore your own beliefs and desires in a comfortable space. Go at your own pace, she says, and practice some gentle self-talk: “The more positive messaging you can incorporate into your life about sex, the better. Like, if you can, just max out until you’re sick of hearing people speak positively about sex, because you really need to rewire your brain completely.”

Echoing advice from Salazar, who mentioned replacing stigmatizing language with affirmations in their practice with clients, Claire advises, “Think about all of the time that was scheduled into your life for people to talk negatively about sex, and now you have to do that, like, twice as much positively.”

If you can believe an all-knowing god was angry at you for being sexual, why not try believing that same god would be proud of you for it? Morton sums up his thoughts accordingly: “God created us, and we are beautiful and our bodies are part of the extension of God himself.” Praise be.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!