Tag: Relationship Advice

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Why Masturbating Is Still An Excellent Idea If You’re Coupled Up

By Carli Whitwell

I was dozing in bed a few Saturdays ago when my husband took our dog out for an early-morning walk. Alone, the mood struck and I masturbated. I had a quick, decent orgasm, followed by a rush of guilt. It wasn’t the act itself (I’m well aware that EVERYONE DOES IT). But because I’m coupled up, masturbating sometimes feels like it did when I was in high school — sneaky and shameful, and something I shouldn’t be doing, at least not when I have easy access to my husband.

Before you troll me for being a sexually repressed bad feminist, hear me out. I’m in my mid-30s, and like many millennials I’m still trying to shake off the shackles of a half-baked sexual education; mine was largely informed by romance novels pilfered from my mum and the old adage that “nice girls wait.” So when it comes to talking to my partner about self-pleasure, I don’t really. It’s more like: “I know you masturbate; you know I masturbate, but let’s agree never to discuss it, and we can forget about that one time I left porn up on the laptop.” (My bad.) “There’s a lot of secrecy around this in couples,” says Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor from the University of Guelph. “Most people have no idea how often their partner, regardless of gender, is engaging in masturbation.”

And we are definitely engaging in it, some of us way more during COVID-19. In fact, judging from sex toy sales, masturbation is getting some of us through the pandemic single-handedly. A study by Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute found that 33% of men and 20% of women are masturbating more often since quarantine started. Another 24% of women are masturbating less, which is no surprise since many women have less solo time to get ’er done because we’re taking on even more emotional and domestic labour.

Then again, there’s always been different sexual rulebooks for men and women. I grew up watching male leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slut-shamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly. Only recently have women been encouraged to own our sexuality, including our under-the-sheets solo activity. (Although we are still very rarely shown how to do that in non-heteronormative ways.)

I grew up watching males leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slutshamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly.

“The pleasure gap is one of the biggest gender gaps,” says Alexandra Fine, a sexologist and co-creator of Dame Products, a line of sex toys geared toward people with vulvas. That gap applies to masturbation, but also to sex. Studies have shown that, in heterosexual relationships, women orgasm way less than men during sex. (Lesbians have more orgasms than straight or bisexual women.) This discrepancy comes down to a lot of factors — from partners’ lack of knowledge about our anatomy to anxiety — but it’s also indicative of “who feels entitled to pleasure and why,” says Fine. “Women are much more likely to think of sex as for someone else’s pleasure. It’s so much a part of the female sexual narrative.”

Milhausen thinks we’ve, ahem, come a long way, but agrees self-pleasure is among the final holdouts of our sexual revolution. “Masturbation is the last bastion of gendered difference [in sexuality] with men doing it far more often than women.” (Interestingly, her research has found that women seem to derive more pleasure from getting themselves off than men do, but that’s a different story.)

It doesn’t help that the self-pleasure industry feels marketed toward men — although feminist porn sites and companies like Dame are making inroads. Changing the sexual scripts we learn at a young age also requires some mental rewiring on our part. Masturbating but not wanting to have sex one day doesn’t make you a bad partner. And getting turned on by a sexy passage in a book and whipping out your vibrator when your significant other is out for a 10K run isn’t something to feel guilty about.

Besides, women are already drowning in guilt about everything — especially when it comes to taking time for ourselves, sexual or otherwise. “We need to start with encouraging women to have more leisure time and to take more time for ourselves… and the sex thing will fall into alignment,” says Milhausen. “But until women have five minutes to have a shower or to go for a walk, or to read a book or to talk to a friend, I’m not going to ask her to go and schedule the time to masturbate.”

Fine, for her part, says she has no problem getting off solo with her husband beside her. “I masturbate next to him frequently,” she says. “Sometimes it’s blossomed into something else. And sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes I don’t want it to…We’ve been doing that for years and it doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s like when you start peeing in front of each other. The first time is really weird and then it’s fine.”

I’m not sure I’d get off while my guy watches MLB replays on his iPad beside me (go Jays!), but I will say that I recently excused myself to the bedroom for some me time, and he didn’t care at all. It turns out our let’s-not-talk-about-masturbation might have been my own hang-up all along.

And I know what I’ll be doing the next time he takes the dog to the park.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Pregnant Sex?

Sexual Intimacy Is Generally Safe During Pregnancy

By Elizabeth Boskey, PhD

Sexual intimacy can be part of a healthy pregnancy. Depending on how far along the pregnancy is, some adjustments may need to be made to keep things fun and comfortable.

Avoiding sexually transmitted diseases (STD) is the chief concern when it comes to risks for most pregnancies. If you have a high-risk pregnancy, discuss pregnancy sex risks with your doctor.

Trimesters and Pregnancy Sex

There is very little evidence suggesting that there are risks associated with having sex during pregnancy.1 Despite this, several risk factors may cause doctors to encourage pregnant individuals to abstain from intercourse during the first trimester.2 These include vaginal bleeding and a history of early pregnancy loss.

Although research does not suggest that vaginal intercourse is associated with either of these outcomes, many doctors take a cautious approach to pregnant sex for couples who have experienced one or more losses.

Couples that are non-monogamous or where one has a sexually transmitted disease should be aware that it is important to appropriately manage STD risk during pregnancy. Several sexually transmitted infections have the potential to affect pregnancy outcomes.

If there is any risk of STD transmission during pregnancy, it is advisable to use barriers. Before taking a new sexual partner during pregnancy, STD screening is also a good idea.

Over the course of a pregnancy, certain types of sex can become less comfortable or enjoyable. Couples who wish to continue with sexual intimacy can try different sexual positions to figure out what works best for them as the pregnancy continues to develop.

Positions where the pregnant person is seated or lying on their side may be more comfortable than where they are lying on their back, particularly later during pregnancy.

Risks of Pregnancy Sex

There is remarkably little data about the risks of different types of sexual intimacy during pregnancy. In general, there is no reason to anticipate that sex during a low-risk pregnancy will cause problems, particularly in monogamous couples where both partners have been tested for STDs.

Doctors tend to be more concerned about high-risk pregnancies, but again there is very little data. People who are concerned about pregnant sex should discuss their individual risk/benefit calculations with their providers.

Theoretical risks that people are concerned may be associated with pregnant sex include:3

  • Preterm labor: Studies have not demonstrated an increased risk of preterm labor from having sex during pregnancy. The exception is where sexual activity increases the risk of genital tract infections, including bacterial vaginosis, associated with pre-term labor.
  • Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID): PID may be a risk for individuals exposed to STDs during pregnancy. PID is associated with an increased risk of pregnancy complications, and pregnant people with PID may need to be hospitalized for antibiotic treatment.4
  • Bleeding: No research has demonstrated a risk of antepartum hemorrhage (bleeding after the 20th week of pregnancy) caused by pregnancy sex, although it could theoretically be a risk for those with placenta previa.
  • Venous air embolism: This is an extremely rare pregnancy complication where an air bubble gets into the bloodstream. Studies estimate that it occurs in fewer than one in one million pregnancies, although where it does occur it can be fatal.3

Pregnant people are sometimes advised to avoid air being blown into the vagina during oral sex, which could potentially lead to a venous air embolism. Air can sometimes also be forced into the vagina during penile or other penetration.3

Coping With Pregnancy Sex

Sexual desire and interest can change substantially over the course of a pregnancy. For some people, pregnancy may be a time when they feel highly sexual. They may seek out more sexual intimacy with their partners.

Other people may feel less sexual during pregnancy. This can be because of changes in how they feel about their body and their overall sense of wellbeing. It can also be because of increased sensitivity to certain smells, tastes, and sensations that may occur during sex.

Couples for whom sexual intimacy is important should consider exploring different types of sexual intimacy during pregnancy if their usual menu of sexual choices isn’t working as well for them. This can include activities such as mutual masturbation or one partner holding the other while they masturbate.

Couples who want to continue to have intercourse during pregnancy may also need to explore different positions as the pregnant person’s body changes over the course of gestation. It is not uncommon for the frequency of intercourse to decrease, even in couples who continue to be sexually active throughout pregnancy.5

Perineal Massage and Vaginal Birth

Couples experiencing their first pregnancy may hear about the benefits of perineal massage. Perineal massage has been shown to reduce the risk of both an episiotomy and requiring stitches after a tear during delivery.6

Although perineal massage doesn’t have to be sexual, it certainly can be. In many ways, perineal massage is like careful fingering and other types of digital sex. Just make certain that any hands involved are clean, you’re using appropriate lubricant, and you’re not going any faster than is comfortable for the pregnant person.

Research on perineal massage is focused on using the practice once or twice a week, starting at 35 weeks.6 While clear benefits have been shown for people who have not previously undergone a vaginal delivery, that’s less true for those who have.

Still, if it’s something couples enjoy during a first pregnancy, there’s no reason they shouldn’t continue to do perineal massage during later pregnancies.

Can you have sex during pregnancy? Yes, if you want to. Although there isn’t all that much research about sexual activity during pregnancy, most of what’s out there says that pregnant sex doesn’t noticeably increase the risk to either parent or infant.

The exception is where sex during pregnancy can lead to a new infection with herpes, syphilis, or another STD that increases the risk of poor pregnancy outcomes. In a mutually monogamous relationship, where neither partner has an outside exposure, pregnancy sex is generally considered low to no risk.

However, in the case of high-risk pregnancy, couples should consult their doctor before engaging in pregnant sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Tantric Massage?

7 Ways To Try It At Home

By Kelly Gonsalves

Many people fall into the trap of following the same sexual scripts. Sex looks the same every time, usually involving some kissing, maybe some oral, and then a person with a penis thrusting aggressively into a person with a vagina until the former orgasms. Learning to move away from these scripts can unlock whole new realms of pleasure, new types of sensations, and more uniquely connective experiences. One way to throw all the rules out the door is to explore tantric sex and, specifically, tantric massage. Here’s what happens during a tantra massage and how to give one to your partner.

What is tantric massage?

Tantric massage is a style of massage or bodywork that draws on the principles of tantra, an ancient spiritual practice originating in Central and Southeast Asia. In most modern-day practice in the West, tantric massage involves massaging and stimulating the full body with particular focus on sensitive areas like the penis and vulva. It’s sometimes referred to as simply an erotic massage, although a tantra massage also incorporates breathwork, meditation, and mindfulness elements and is not necessarily sexual. Tantric massage also has a spiritual and energetic component, wherein the practitioner or giver helps move the receiver’s energy throughout the body to promote inner healing.

“Unlike other forms of massage, this sacred practice incorporates the tantric essence of shakti, or energy,” Tiffany Tanner, a tantra teacher and massage therapist in Arizona, tells mbg. “When skillfully incorporating this universal force into a massage, it can touch the deepest layers and aspects of a human being and be a profound instrument of spiritual and emotional healing.”

Tantra stems from ancient Hindu, Buddhist, and Jain traditions, though most tantra taught and practiced in the West can be referred to as neotantra, a modern adaptation that focuses specifically on sacred sexuality as opposed to the other spiritual and religious elements of traditional tantra. “The experience we offer is not intended for the tantric purist,” Genevieve Duarte, a tantric massage expert at White Lotus East, says of the tantric massages offered at their New York studio. “If anyone desires to explore and commit to the more traditional teachings of tantra, then this experience can serve as a beginning platform.”

What happens during a tantra massage.

What happens during a tantra massage offered at a massage studio or spa center will vary greatly depending on the facility. In general, tantric massage involves massaging and stimulating a person’s full body, including genitalia, while doing breathwork, meditation, and other spiritual practices or energy work. Some forms of tantric massage include the yoni massage (focused on the vulva), the lingam massage (focused on the penis), and massaging the sacred spot (aka the prostate).

Tantric massage can also be practiced at home with a partner and can be a way to introduce a slower, more intentional, and more intimate form of sexuality into a couple’s sex life.

People can orgasm during a tantra massage, though it’s not the goal. Tantric massage is more about leaning into pleasure, releasing energetic blocks and tension, and connecting spiritually with another person. Intercourse is not usually part of a tantra massage, though tantra massage can be incorporated into a tantric sexual experience between a couple.

Before attempting to give a tantric massage, it’s helpful to learn a little bit about tantric principles in general, as it’ll ensure you’re approaching the experience from a perspective of sacred connection and intentional pleasure.

These are the most essential elements of a tantra massage, according to Duarte:

  • For the recipient, being able to receive pleasure without feeling compelled to reciprocate.
  • For the giver, being willing to provide pleasure without the need of the same in return.
  • For the giver, learning to read the partner’s body language and understanding the importance of touch.
  • For both, forgetting about time.
  • Each partner having a strong desire to please the other.
  • Strong personal hygiene in preparation for the experience.

“It’s often difficult for someone to express how one wants to be touched and how many people are inept in the way they touch one another,” she tells mbg. “Touching someone in a manner that they want to be touched takes time, experience, and open-mindedness.”

Below are instructions for specific types of tantra massage. You can do these with a partner or by yourself.

Lingam massage.

A lingam massage focuses on honoring and pleasuring the penis:

  1. Get the penis owner relaxed, lying on their back in a comfortable position with their legs apart and knees bent. Remind them to breathe deeply throughout the experience.
  2. Practice breathing in their energy of arousal as you inhale and sending them loving energy as you exhale.
  3. Lubricate and massage the areas of the penis, starting by sliding your hands up their thighs, pubic bone, and perineum.
  4. Gently, slowly massage the testicles. You can pull them slightly, cup them in your hands to fondle them, or use your fingernails gently on them.
  5. Massage the shaft, varying your grip, stroke sequences, and twisting motions. Vary from one hand to two and from slow to fast.
  6. Don’t let them climax. Keep them at the edge of orgasm, also known as edging.
  7. If they’re comfortable, stimulate their sacred spot, also known as the prostate.
  8. When they’re ready, allow your partner to climax with an ejaculation orgasm.

Here’s tantric sex educator Psalm Isadora’s full guide to lingam massage.

Yoni massage.

A yoni massage focuses on honoring and pleasuring the vulva:

  1. Have the vulva owner lie on their back in a comfortable place with a pillow under their hips, knees up, and feet on the ground.
  2. Guide them in connecting to their breath.
  3. Warm up with a body massage or tantric breast massage (see below) to slowly build arousal.
  4. Move to the vulva and begin stimulating the clitoris, alternating between circling, pushing and pulling, tugging and rolling, tapping, and G-spot massage.
  5. Encourage your partner to practice edging, or to lean in to experience multiple waves of orgasms.

Tantric breast massage.

The tantric breast massage or nipple massage simply applies tantra massage principles to the breasts:

  1. Set the scene with candles, incense, or music that makes your partner feel sexy.
  2. Remind them to focus on their breath, taking long, deep breaths throughout the experience.
  3. Drip some oil at the center of their heart between the breasts, as well as over the belly.
  4. Start by massaging the belly to stir up sexual energy before moving on to the breasts.
  5. Circle the breasts using a feather-like touch, then move to massaging and squeezing them.
  6. Once their body is begging for it, move to the nipples using tracing, pinching, and rolling.
  7. As they come close to orgasm, massage their body up to the neck, head, and scalp. Have them undulate their spine and rock their hips to create arousal throughout the whole body, creating waves of pleasure.

Here’s Psalm Isadora’s full guide to nipple play the tantric way.

Bonus tantra techniques.

Here are a few more techniques to add to a tantra massage or to any tantric sexual practice:

As certified tantra educator and registered nurse Leslie Grace, R.N., tells mbg, tantric sex is as much about the mindset as it is about the physical techniques: “It’s about wholeheartedly celebrating the sacredness of our bodies and desires while bringing a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Painful sex, explained

— Doctor and patient break down a taboo women’s health topic

By KATIE KINDELAN

Callista Wilson, a San Francisco mom of a 2-year-old, experienced pain the very first time she had sex with a man.

Wilson, now 40, didn’t speak for years to anyone about her experiences with painful sex, and she didn’t get medical help for it until more than a decade later, after countless doctor visits.

“I really blamed myself,” Wilson told ABC News’ Good Morning America. “And I think that’s kind of a common response.”

Also common is how many women experience painful sex. Nearly three out of every four women experience pain during intercourse at some time during their lives, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).

Even so, Wilson said she struggled to find information about painful sex online, was not having those types of conversations with her friends and often felt like she was not taken seriously by doctors.

At one point, Wilson said she was told by a physical therapist that she was just going to have to “live with it” for the rest of her life.

“The message I was getting from doctors was that, ‘You’re imagining all of this,’ or, ‘You’re making this up, and we don’t believe you, and you can’t talk to us about this,”” she recalled. “And so I really just continued to hold it all inside.”

Years later, Wilson finally opened up to a long-term boyfriend about the pain she experienced during sex, an honest conversation that ultimately led to their breakup. For Wilson and so many women, painful sex is not just a painful experience physically, but also one that can be emotionally and mentally devastating.

“All that time, it wasn’t just like sex hurts. It was like, sex hurts. You can’t be in love. You’ll never have children. You’re a broken woman,” Wilson said. “It was affecting my whole life. Every facet of my life.”

It wasn’t until her early 30s that Wilson felt comfortable opening up to a close group of friends about how painful sex was for her. She remembers it was her friends who told her, “You cannot settle for this.”

At their urging, Wilson saw a specialist in New York City, an OB-GYN whose specialties include sexual pain disorders.

The doctor diagnosed Wilson with congenital neuroproliferative vestibulodynia, a type of chronic pain in the area surrounding the vaginal opening, according to the National Vulvodynia Association, a nonprofit organization that advocates for women’s health.

Because the type of surgery required to treat vestibulodynia was not covered by Wilson’s insurance, she delayed the surgery for one year in order to save nearly $20,000 to cover the costs and required time off of work.

At age 35, after a nearly two-decade search for answers, Wilson was treated successfully for her condition.

Two years ago, Wilson gave birth vaginally to her son, something she never thought she would be able to do.

“Once I healed from my surgery, my life began,” she said. “I used to joke I was 35 going on 15 because that was kind of how it felt, like I get another chance at this.”

Why did the topic become so taboo?

Much like childbirth or menstruation, painful sex is something that so many women go through but don’t talk with their friends or even with their doctors.

“Somewhere along the way, it was decided that this was a ‘taboo topic,’ when it shouldn’t be a taboo topic at all,” said Dr. Nita Landry, a Los Angeles-based, board-certified OB-GYN. “And in some instances, it’s that providers don’t feel comfortable talking about it.”

Women often have a hard time getting an accurate diagnosis for painful sex and vaginal pain, which often contributes to the stigma, according to Landry.

“[Women] feel like there isn’t hope so they kind of stop talking about it and they learn to live with it, or they talk to a provider who tells them, ‘Oh, you’re just going to have to learn to live with this,’ and then they don’t take it any further,” she said. “And that’s how they spend the rest of their lives.”

Wilson said once she had a specific diagnosis, “everything changed” for her in terms of how open she felt speaking about her pain.

“Prior to having a diagnosis, it was much harder to be open and to share, because it was still this kind of ambiguous thing that I didn’t understand,” she said. “Once I had the vocabulary, my voice, I couldn’t stop it. I told everybody.”

And once she started speaking out about her experience, Wilson said she felt a kind of “collective healing” as she received messages on social media from women around the world.

“For so many years I had felt like I was the only person suffering from this and that I was all alone,” she said. “But there are so many women out there who are in this boat, and we’re all here together and just raising our voices.”

What people need to know about painful sex

Painful sex is something anyone could experience, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, according to Landry.

But, it is not something that people should have to endure, because there are solutions, she noted.

“If you are having sex, as long as it’s consensual, you deserve to have good sex,” she said. “Your sexual orientation or your gender identity, that doesn’t matter. You should be able to talk to your partner or your health care provider, because [everybody] deserves good sex.”

Painful sex, known medically as dyspareunia, is defined as persistent or recurrent discomfort that happens just before, during or after sexual intercourse. It also includes pain during other sexual activities, like any type of stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, vulva and perineum (the area between the anus and the vulva), according to Landry.

During sex, for those with dyspareunia, pain may be felt in the vulva, within the vagina or the perineum or in the lower back, pelvic region, uterus or bladder, according to ACOG.

Some women may also feel pain when they insert tampons or undergo a gynecological exam, as was the case with Wilson’s condition.

“It’s important to realize that different people will describe that pain differently,” Landry said. “For instance, some people will experience pain with penetration, whereas other people will have pain with deep thrusting. Some people describe their pain as sharp or burning, whereas others have more of a crampy pain.”

“At the end of the day, it just means that it is uncomfortable for you,” she said.

Causes of painful sex

While there are many symptoms of painful sex, there are also many causes, some physical and some psychological, according to Landry. When going to a health care provider about painful sex, the provider will want to take a detailed history and do a physical exam.

“I can’t tell you how many patients will say, ‘I’m having painful sex,’ and I ask them about their relationship, and they say, ‘You know, it’s not that good,”” she said. “That’s going to play a huge role in how much you’re going to enjoy sex, or it could be anxiety, depression, a history of sexual abuse.”

In those cases, a woman would want to reach out to their health care provider as well as a mental health care provider, experts say.

Pain during sex may be a sign of a gynecologic problem, such as ovarian cysts or endometriosis.

It can also be caused by everything from skin disorders and hormonal changes to tears in the perineum caused by childbirth, sexually transmitted diseases, inflammation of the vagina, vulvodynia (a pain disorder in the vulva) and vaginismus (tightening of the muscles at the opening of the vagina), according to ACOG.

“You definitely need to see a qualified health care provider so you can figure out what’s going on,” Landry said. “You could be in a situation where there’s an underlying medical condition that needs to be treated, or you may be in a category where you don’t have an underlying condition that’s really going to have a negative impact on your health, however, it’s having a negative impact on you because you’re having painful sex.”

Treatments for painful sex

Not every woman experiencing painful sex is going to need to undergo surgery, as Wilson did, according to Landry.

“The big thing to remember is your treatment is going to depend on what’s causing your painful sex, and because there can be so many different causes, the treatment plans can vary greatly,” Landry said. “A lot of times, your health care provider can help you find your treatment option that is non-surgical, and that’s ideal.”

In cases where there is an underlying condition, like a sexually transmitted infection, doctors are going to treat the underlying condition first. In cases where there is not an identifiable cause for painful sex, doctors will likely try therapies such as a topical anesthetic applied before and after intercourse or pelvic physical therapy, Landry explained.

“Honestly, it may take some time,” she said. “It’s not necessarily you’ll do something on a Monday and on Tuesday you’ll be all better all the time.”

Women in particular need to take steps to make sure they are working with a health care provider that takes their concerns of painful sex seriously, Landry noted.

“If you feel as though you’re being dismissed, if you feel like they are not taking your complaint seriously, then you need to find another provider,” she said. “Just know that there are providers out there who want to talk to you about this.”

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How lockdown changed the sex lives of young adults – new research

By &

Lockdown significantly affected our health (for good and bad), our work and how we socialise. These consequences have been widely discussed, but far less attention has been given to the effect on our sex lives.

When lockdown came into force in the UK in March 2020, people from outside the same household were not allowed to meet indoors, and only at set distances outdoors. This meant that sex between people who didn’t live together was effectively criminalised.

In some ways, these restrictions disproportionately affected young adults, who are more likely than older adults to be exploring their sexuality and developing romantic relationships. But the impact of lockdown on people’s sexual desires and sex lives and how this affected their sense of wellbeing was not known. We decided to find out.

For our study, we surveyed 565 people aged 18-32 in the UK at the end of peak lockdown restrictions in May 2020. People were recruited using a survey recruitment site. They were a convenience sample, meaning they were people who were easily available rather than representative of the population as a whole.

Respondents were asked if they engaged in a list of sexual activities both before lockdown and during lockdown. This included intercourse, solo masturbation, and watching pornography. They were also asked to rate their health and wellbeing.

The number of respondents who engaged in each of these activities during lockdown decreased compared with before lockdown. The biggest decrease was for sex with a partner, with just over a quarter of respondents stopping this activity during lockdown (25.5%).

For those participants who continued to engage in sexual activities, we also asked whether the frequency increased or decreased during the period. There were both increases and decreases. Regarding increases, just over a quarter (26%) of people masturbated more often on their own, 20% reported having more intercourse with their partner, and 20% reported watching more pornography on their own.

Yet the same three sexual activities also decreased in frequency for some participants, with a third of people having less sex with their partner, a quarter masturbating alone less, and around a fifth (22%) watching less pornography alone.

People were more likely to report increases in sexual activity if they were male, in a serious relationship, and if they weren’t heterosexual.

We also investigated sexual desire. In our sample, women reported lower sexual desire than men overall, with a significant decrease in sexual desire during lockdown compared with before lockdown. Women with a greater enjoyment of casual sex reported a greater perceived effect of lockdown on their wellbeing.

Our findings, which are published in the Journal of Sex Research, support other reports into the effects of lockdown restrictions. Lockdown measures have disproportionately affected some groups more than others. The reported increase in domestic chores and stress for women during the lockdown may explain the decrease in sexual desire and the negative effect on wellbeing.

Moving out of lockdown

There are many health benefits, both physical and mental, to engaging in regular sexual activity. Sex can be an important component of people’s lives and their identity, particularly for sexual minorities.

There are other concerns about COVID-19 and sexuality. Most sexual health and reproductive services in the UK have been severely limited or closed. There is evidence that access to condoms and contraception was disrupted for young adults during social lockdown.

Some sexual health charities have been offering home testing kits of sexually transmitted infection screenings, but there will be people who do not or cannot use these services. Similarly, there is evidence that birth rates have dropped significantly over the year, which might lead to an associated large increase in births over the next 12 months once people see some stability returning to their lives.

As the UK follows the road map out of lockdown, it is important to consider how those whose sex lives have been restricted will respond to the extra freedom. It has been suggested that we could see a new “roaring 20s” as we return to a new sense of normality.

Government policy ignored sex during lockdown. It needs to actively support sexual health and wellbeing as we return to some kind of normality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What does it mean to be heterosexual?

Being exclusively attracted to people of the opposite sex is a surprisingly recent phenomenon.

By Annie Hayes

While heterosexual sex is certainly nothing new, heterosexuality – the quality of being sexually attracted exclusively to people of the opposite sex – is a surprisingly recent phenomenon. In 1901, Dorland’s Medical Dictionary defined heterosexuality as an ‘abnormal or perverted appetite toward the opposite sex’, which is a far cry from how the term is viewed today.

In a few hundred years, the term heterosexual has transformed from obscure medical jargon into an expression of sexuality that is considered the cultural norm. The pervasive belief that straightness is the default mode of sexual orientation is known as heteronormativity, and it perpetuates gender stereotypes that can do more harm than good.

Therapeutic relationship coach Pascale Lane, love, relationship and sexuality coach at Zoe Clews & Associates Emma Spiegler, and founder of AM: Appointment Nadia Deen, delve into heterosexual meaning, discuss the trappings of heteronormativity, and reveal the key to a happy, healthy relationship:

Heterosexual meaning

A heterosexual person is usually said to be attracted to the ‘opposite’ sex, ie men are attracted to women, and women are attracted to men. Heterosexual orientation operates on the basis that sex is binary: you’re either born male or female. However in truth, biological sex is more of a spectrum, as scientists are discovering.

Generally, people are assumed to be heterosexual unless they state otherwise. This assumption is known as heteronormativity. A real-world example might be finding out that your female friend is in a relationship, and blindly presuming that she’s dating a cisgender man (cisgender means your gender identity correlates with the sex you were assigned at birth) when she may in fact be dating a woman or a non-binary person.

What is compulsory heterosexuality?

Coined by the feminist poet Adrienne Rich in her 1980 essay, Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence, the term “compulsory heterosexuality” describes the idea that heterosexuality is a political institution enforced by the patriarchy to make women dependent on men for their wants and needs.

This, Rich said, has led to ‘inequality of power, not only between men and women but also non-heterosexual people,’ says Lane. In her essay, she makes the case that heterosexuality ‘is not “normal”, or even inherent to humans, and that women actually do better by having relationships with other women,’ says Deen.

What is heteronormativity?

Heteronormativity is the belief that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation. It’s upheld by social, legal, economic, political, educational, and religious institutions, which reinforce the presumption that people are inherently heterosexual and that gender and sex are natural binaries through their processes and cultures.

Heteronormative ideology ‘refers to the belief that there are two separate and opposing genders (women and men) with associated natural roles (masculine and feminine), which are in line with their assigned sex (female and male), and that heterosexuality is a given, rather than one of many possible sexualities,’ a review by Leiden University, Utrecht University and the University of Exeter states.

When we decide that something is normal or natural, anything outside of those boundaries becomes unnatural and abnormal.

This exclusionary view can be harmful to the LGBTQI+ community. ‘When we decide that something is “normal” or “natural”, anything outside of those boundaries becomes unnatural and abnormal,’ says Deen. ‘Basing a society on the notion that everyone fits into a cisgender heterosexual box will not only exclude a large portion of people, but it can also become harmful and even dangerous for them.’

It’s still illegal to be gay, bisexual or transgender in many countries, with punishments ranging from jail time to death, Deen continues. And while this is no longer the case in the UK, LGBTQI+ people still frequently feel unsafe going about their daily lives. According to a YouGov poll, one in five LGBT people – and two in five trans people – have experienced a hate crime or incident due to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity in the last 12 months.

Heteronormativity in heterosexual relationships

Heteronormativity can also be harmful to heterosexual people, as it seeks to normalise behaviours and values that reinforce negative stereotypes. This includes gender roles and sociocultural expectations that are based on the sex you were assigned at birth. For example, men are breadwinners, women are home-makers. Men are aggressive, women are nurturing. Men are tall and muscular, woman are thin and graceful.

These ingrained beliefs ‘have far-reaching consequences,’ the aforementioned review states, because they ‘may serve as a straightjacket for those adhering to them. As an illustration, a straight cisgender man who endorses the heteronormative view that children need a breadwinning father and a caring mother, for example, will likely perceive a same-sex couple as lesser parents but also feel uncomfortable taking up paternity leave himself.’

Heteronormativity can also lead to toxic dynamics in heterosexual relationships. A couple may conform to how they ‘ought’ to be behaving and acting in the relationship, says Spiegler. ‘They can end up relating to constructed stories and roles, rather than authentically relating with each other. This can cause a whole host of issues that, if not inquired into and communicated, can cause resentment, conflict and tension.’

For example, when men believe they need to be ‘strong’ and a ‘provider’, there’s little space for emotionality and vulnerability, Spiegler explains. ‘If a man is feeling like he has to repress or hide his emotions, it can have a significant impact on his mental wellbeing,’ she says. It’s no coincidence that suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK.

Another pervasive stereotype is that women are complicated when it comes to sex, Spiegler says. This causes a disparity in the bedroom. Straight women are the least likely to orgasm during partnered sex, despite straight men reaching the Big O almost every time, according to a study of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour.

5 tips for healthy heterosexual relationships

Challenging heteronormativity can have a positive impact on your relationships, regardless of your sexual orientation. ‘It is important to note that the need to challenge heteronormativity is not a challenge on heterosexuality,’ says Deen. It’s not about tearing down heterosexual relationships, but building happier, healthier ones:

1. Consider your dating preferences

Take stock of any ways your dating preferences are influenced by gender roles and stereotypes – perhaps you “only date tall men” as a rule, or feel put off when a woman initiates the conversation on a dating app. Rigid dating preferences can actually hinder your chances of future happiness.

2. Make your own rules

Setting gendered dating rules can reinforce negative stereotypes and prevent you from meeting new and interesting people. ‘We can do this in so many ways – from having “rules” around who pays for the bill on the first date, to who initiates the first kiss, and who organises the date,’ says Spiegler. ‘The important thing to remember is that what looks “perfect” on paper might not actually work in real life. Ideally you are looking for both a match in compatibility and values, and if you are heavily focusing on gender roles you may miss the person behind the role.’

We are all responsible for changing stereotypical behaviours in order to bring about equality, not just for ourselves but for generations to come.

3. Challenge stereotypes

In heterosexual relationships, there can be assumed roles about who pays for dinner, cooks, cleans up, does the laundry, instigates sex, and so on. ‘It’s all stuff that we are raised to see as totally normal, and yet intellectually we know is not,’ Lane says. ‘We are all responsible for changing these stereotypical behaviours in order to bring about equality, not just for ourselves but for the generations to come.’

4. Communication is key

If you’re looking to redress the balance in an existing relationship, the key is honest, open communication, says Lane.’Whether your struggles are around sexuality, sexual practice or gender stereotyping, taking the time to really explain your thoughts and feelings to each other is almost guaranteed a positive outcome,’ she says. ‘If you are both invested in each other and both want the relationship to work, nothing is insurmountable.’

5. Break the heteronormative cycle

Heteronormativity is not an easy concept to overcome. ‘These attitudes and behaviours have largely been in place for generations and are handed down to us not only from our families but from society and media as a whole,’ Lane adds. But by making a conscious effort not to hold others to heteronormative standards, you can help to break the cycle.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Think You Can’t Have Good Sex After a Chronic Illness Diagnosis?

Think Again!

Your sex life shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

by Amy Mackelden

Receiving an unexpected diagnosis can affect every aspect of your life, including your sex life.

There are so many misconceptions when the topics of chronic illness and sex converge, making it a potentially scary subject for anyone learning to live within their “new normal.”

I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (RRMS) 2 weeks after my 30th birthday, and I had a plethora of questions on my mind, some of which involved my sex life.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic condition in which a person’s nervous system attacks itself, creating lesions on the brain and spine, often damaging the nerve pathways. This can result in numbness, tingling, itching, nerve pain, spasticity, mobility changes, and many other symptoms.

As a result, I knew my sex life was going to change, but I had no idea how.

It took some time, but I eventually discovered it was possible to have a satisfying sex life while living with a chronic illness and disability.

It might seem obvious to anyone who’s living with a lifelong condition or disability that sex is often an important aspect of our lives. However, when it comes to seeking medical advice following a life altering diagnosis, sex regularly goes unmentioned.

Research shows that many healthcare providers have limited knowledge of and confidence in talking about sexuality and chronic illness and disability. They’re also commonly really uncomfortable bringing it up with patients.

Meanwhile, research is limited on sexual dysfunction related to chronic illness. It makes sense, then, that some medical professionals may be uncomfortable addressing the subject with patients.

However, this lackluster response can sadly make those of us with chronic conditions feel as though we’re asking too much, or that the support we need just isn’t available.

If, like me, you’ve broached the subject of sex with a medical professional, it’s likely that you’ve also had mixed results.

Some suggestions have been helpful, from “use more lube” to “have sex earlier in the day to avoid fatigue.”

Others have made me question whether my sex life is important, and more specifically, if anyone else believes that my sex life is worth saving.

However, it’s crucial to find the right healthcare provider who understands the unique needs of someone facing a difficult diagnosis or lifelong condition.

It’s impossible to explore all of the ways that a chronic illness or disability might affect a person’s sex life, especially as each individual will be affected differently.

After finding out that I have MS, my sex life changed, first for the worse, and then for the better.

I had a major relapse that affected both of my legs and caused numbness from the waist down. This made sex an uncomfortable experience for several months afterwards, and I lost the ability to feel orgasms.

There were times I wondered whether I’d ever experience an orgasm again. Sex itself felt strange and made me tingle all over, not in a good way.

My body has also been affected by pain, mobility changes, and fatigue, but I’ve persevered in spite of any difficulties because I didn’t want to give up on having a sex life.

While I’ve spoken to some wonderfully supportive doctors and medical professionals, it’s also been suggested that companionship is more important in a relationship and that I should make the most of what I have, even if it doesn’t involve sex.

The implication, of course, was that sex was somehow less important to a person with an incurable illness, but that’s simply not the case.

When it comes to disability, people often speak of accessibility, so why shouldn’t the same parameters extend to having sex?

Here are some of the things that might make sex more accessible (and more fun!) if you’re living with a chronic illness.

Communication is key

While it might sound obvious, communication is key in any relationship.

“Some people believe that if two people love each other, sexual activities should automatically feel mutually wonderful and satisfying,” says Lee Phillips, EdD, LICSW, a licensed clinical psychotherapist and AASECT certified sex therapist.

“The number of sexual problems reported by people with chronic illness demonstrates all too conclusively that there is nothing automatic about sex,” says Phillips.

It’s all too easy to feel frustrated when sex and intimacy don’t magically happen the way we want it to.

When one or both partners in a relationship have a disability or chronic illness, it’s more important than ever to talk through any issues or concerns there might be.

For instance, sometimes my condition affects my ability to physically feel anything during penetrative sex, and I always let my partner know about any new symptoms or changes I’m experiencing.

“Sexual communication is critical because it can address sexual likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs, sexual needs and desires, sexual fears and concerns, past positive sexual experiences, and past negative sexual experiences,” says Phillips. “It is the key ingredient for enhancing a sex life.”

Explore intimacy and your ‘new normal’

While not everyone will be interested in therapy after receiving a surprising medical diagnosis or adjusting to life with a disability, finding a therapist who understands your needs could make all the difference.

“I always call therapy the safe container,” says Phillips, who hosts the Sex & Chronic Illness podcast.

“It is the place where people who are chronically ill feel safe and it is a place where they are not judged. It is the place where they can learn the skills in using their voice. This helps them become more aware and assertive in expressing their sexuality.”

If you’ve recently received a diagnosis, then it’s possible you’re feeling shell-shocked and lacking in confidence.

This is why considering therapy and finding a specialized therapist could be particularly helpful, especially if you’re dealing with relationships, intimacy, and sex.

“We have to realize that when so much changes in a person or a couple’s life due to chronic illness, a satisfying sex life can be one way to feel healthy and normal,” says Phillips.

Get creative

Whether you’ve always hoped to explore your sexuality in more depth, or you’re looking to spice things up post-diagnosis, it’s always possible to create more fun, excitement, and surprises in your sex life.

“When living with a chronic illness, sex can be a powerful source for comfort, pleasure, and intimacy,” Phillips says. “Therefore, I always say that you have to get curious about your partner and get creative with your sex. People start to look at this as a new sexual adventure because so much has changed due to chronic illness.”

If, like me, your physical sensations have changed with your chronic illness, you might need to try new positions and techniques to achieve orgasm or feel good during sex.

If you can, try viewing this as a positive thing rather than a burden and an opportunity to create greater intimacy with a partner.

Depending on your illness or disability, you may not be able to restore sensation to certain part of your body. That doesn’t mean pleasure isn’t possible.

“Focus should be on stimulation to the chosen area without any plans of moving to any other areas or having sexual intercourse,” says Phillips. “These exercises place the emphasis on intimacy and pleasure over the goal of performance and orgasm.”

If your body has changed because of a chronic condition or disability, then using toys or props might help. (If you have regularly bemoaned the lack of fully accessible sex toys, a new company, Handi, might soon have the answer.)

Don’t give up if you don’t want to

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that the choice of whether to have a sex life is yours and yours alone.

Whether you’re working on your orgasm solo (like I needed to do), or you’re embracing sexual intimacy with another person, your sex life is yours.

It shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding Your Own Sexuality Will Give You Confidence With Others

By Cindy Cummings

Intimacy and sexuality can be an anxiety-inducing subject for many young people. One study, analyzed by the UK’s Guardian Newspaper, found that 35% of young people experienced at least one problem in the bedroom, with 8% reporting anxiety and 10% reporting a lack of enjoyment. The problem often stems from a lack of self-awareness. Understanding yourself and your body will help you to be confident in intimacy with lovers, and ensure that you have a healthy and fulfilling grasp of your own sexuality.

Exploring your own body

There’s no shame in wanting to explore your own sexuality and sexual preferences. As the Australian health service highlight, knowing exactly what you enjoy and what makes you happy is an important part of identifying your sense of self and, by extension, self-worth. How can you achieve this? Looking to experiment with your own sexuality, whether that be with realistic sex toys like fleshlights or vibrators, or through reading about similar experiences online, can help you to develop a clear picture of your own preferences and build a foundation for future relationships.

Becoming confident

It’s straightforward to establish what you like – but how can you turn that into self-confidence and awareness of your own body? You might think that those in long-term, committed relationships benefit the most from this sense of self-esteem. However, studies reported by Psychology Today have shown that married men often have a lower sense of sexual self-esteem. Developing this confidence is not so different from developing good mental health habits elsewhere – if you look after yourself and accept your inner qualities and personality, you will develop confidence.

Transferring that confidence to partners

Sexual activity in itself is a boon to mental health, confidence, and shared understanding. Healthline report that it provides benefits to multiple areas of your life, including physical, intellectual, emotional, and psychological wellbeing. However, going into a relationship with someone and carrying their stresses can lead to the opposite impact. Having a well-founded sense of self and being able to communicate that will give a much healthier start to any relationship, and will break with the conventional wisdom of needing to be a strongman in the relationship.

Building confidence in yourself will enable you to react well with others. Sex is about understanding, being relaxed, and not carrying anxieties. Start with yourself before you make the jump into a relationship – you’ll thank yourself, and you’ll build a foundation for a strong future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexually Frustrated?

How To Deal, Whether You’re Single Or In A Relationship

by Farrah Daniel

Anyone can experience sexual frustration from time to time, but it’s important to learn how to cope with the tension when sex is inaccessible, you’re not having the kind you want, or otherwise.

What is sexual frustration?

“Sexual frustration is dissatisfaction with one’s sex life and can be due to quantity or quality issues,” board-certified sexologist Jessica Cline, MSW, Ph.D., tells mbg. You could have frequent sex and still be sexually frustrated, or the tension arises because you feel you don’t have enough of it or your needs don’t get met.

While sexual frustration and horniness can intersect and share some similarities, they’re not the same. “Horny is the desire or arousal for sexual activity and can have more of a positive tone, as culturally we use the term to imply we are turned on,” Cline explains. You can be horny but not sexually frustrated, though being horny with unmet sexual needs can easily cause frustration.

Sexual frustration isn’t a medical diagnosis. Anyone can experience this common sensation, so no one’s alone in the struggle.

If you’re in a funk and being short with your partner when you communicate, it might not be because of a bad day at work—you could be sexually frustrated.

Below are some potential indicators of sexual frustration. While none of these behaviors definitively mean someone is sexually frustrated, they can be common behaviors for someone who’s dealing with sexual frustration.

  1. Checking out mentally
  2. Constant arguing in a relationship 
  3. Living vicariously through friends’ sex life
  4. Engaging in unhealthy coping skills (i.e., binge eating or drinking)
  5. Frequently asking a partner about or for sex
  6. Increased display of physical touch and bids for connection
  7. Impatience
  8. Increased consumption of porn
  9. Irritability
  10. Leading any topic or argument back to sex
  11. Restlessness and trouble sleeping 
  12. Frequently fantasizing about sex
  13. Seeing only the negative in your partner
  14. Starting fights for no reason or magnifying minor issues

What causes the frustration?

People typically experience sexual frustration because of lackluster sexual connections, low libido, or dissatisfaction with the quality of their sex life. Still, there are myriad reasons that create the building blocks of this natural feeling.

Lack of partners

The most obvious cause of sexual frustration is simply not having anyone to have sex with. You may be ready and available for sex, but finding a sex partner can be a lengthy and frustrating process. “Many people feel very awkward and uncomfortable with online dating and are unsure how to meet people IRL,” Sweet notes. Because of that, she says loneliness can cause sexual frustration.

Poor communication

“While negotiating sex is an important part of relationships, people don’t always know how to communicate what they need, which can be very frustrating,” explains sex-positive psychotherapist Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC.

Sweet believes that because American society doesn’t teach young adults how to negotiate and talk about sex and desire comfortably, “Those young folks grow into old folks who find themselves older and more experienced but still without the skills to effectively communicate about sex.”

Without communication, sexual needs can go ignored or unmet. “At some point, one may stop initiating and give up, which often results in a sexless relationship,” shares Cline, “and those people can often end up in my office.”

Our physical wiring

The benefits of sex and a healthy sex drive extend way beyond pleasure and mind-blowing orgasms. Sex is also great for our physical health, says Cline, and it’s a great stress-reducer. Plus, “Sex can lower blood pressure, reduce pain, improve sleep, and improve heart health.”

Without this rejuvenating and restorative physical experience—whether because of a dry spell, discontentment with your partner, or poor health—it makes sense for your body to feel out of tune and tense as pent-up energy continues to build.

Our emotional wiring;

We’re sexual beings, which means pleasure and desire are our birthrights, says Sweet. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex is in the same category as food and water, showing that many people experience sex as a vital and baseline need. “When we can’t get our sexual needs met, this can be frustrating,” she says, especially because of the importance of connection to the human experience.

According to Cline, people crave connection emotionally and psychologically, even if they’re bad at it. “To be without connection in our lives goes against our wiring.”

Commoditizing sex

Unhealthy perspectives on sex also contribute to sexual frustration “Thoughts like ‘I should be having more sex,’ or ‘someone should give me more sex,'” for example, are a big culprit, says urologist and life coach Kelly Casperson, M.D.

“I think sometimes people believe they deserve to have their sexual desires met by a partner,” shares Sweet. Often, this belief stems from their upbringing, society, gender roles, religion, past partners, “or straight-up selfishness.”

There are other ways that commoditizing sex leads to sexual frustration, too. In fact, Casperson says some people use sex as a vehicle for self-esteem. “Someone may become reliant on sex as an external reward—i.e., boosting self-image—and may never feel satisfied due to the internal work that needs to be done.”

Medical barriers

Many medical issues can lead to a lowered sex drive and impede your ability to have sex or orgasm, which can naturally make a person feel sexually frustrated.

Some conditions that can decrease libido include:

  • Anxiety
  • Chronic pain and diseases
  • Depression
  • Genital discomfort
  • Hormone imbalances
  • Sexual dysfunction disorders that inhibit the expression of sexuality through desire and interest, arousal, and ability to orgasm
  • Stress
  • Side effects of medications (i.e., blood pressure medication, beta-blockers, antipsychotics, or opioids)

On the other hand, some medical issues increase sexual desire, which can also cause frustration. “Always being aroused can be a medical condition called persistent arousal disorder, in which someone is in a constant state of arousal, even after orgasm,” shares Cline.

What to do about it.

The tension of sexual frustration can pass naturally, so the easiest way to deal with being sexually frustrated is to simply wait it out. There are also plenty of outlets to help you relieve that energy, like exercise and meditation.

“Sexual frustration is a form of stress, so stress management techniques that work for other forms of stress likely apply here,” explains Sweet. “In the therapy work, we call it self-care.”

The strategies you choose to self-care and calm your mind and body are up to you, but here are some ideas to help you get started.

Physical ways:

  • Masturbate regularly.
  • Have virtual sex via text, video, or online.
  • Watch pornography (here’s how to find ethical porn).
  • Find a partner to have sex with (i.e., sex workers, one-night stands, friends with benefits, or casual dating)
  • Go out and connect with friends.
  • Exercise, which is “actually correlated with a more sexually active life,” says Casperson.
  • Move your body through dancing, yoga, or other cardiovascular activities.
  • If in a relationship, explore other types of physical touch to connect with your partner.
  • Take orgasms off the table the next time you have sex, and only explore pleasure.
  • Use sex toys.

Emotional ways:

  • Communicate your desires to your partner.
  • Listen to calming music.
  • Practice mindfulness and meditation.
  • Use your voice (like singing while dancing) as a way to release.
  • Write out your frustrations in a journal, collage, or other visual medium to process the emotions flowing through you.

“A natural way to increase dopamine is to try something new and exciting,” says Cline, “so you may want to invest in learning something new or trying something that scares you a little.”

What to do if you’re in a relationship and your partner’s sexual drive doesn’t match yours.

If you feel you’re not having enough sex in your relationship, that’s more common than people and movies let on. “Mismatched sex drive [affects] every couple,” says Casperson. “We need to normalize this.”

You and your partner won’t always be horny together, so the best way to navigate the sexual frustration that may arise is through communication.

“One of the biggest solutions to desire differences—which happens to most couples at some point in their relationship—is communication,” shares Cline. “Most couples are able to talk about a lot of stuff but have a hard time talking about sex.”

Try to communicate your needs and desires openly to your partner with these four tips:

Be confident.

Two of the biggest issues Cline sees in sex therapy are a lack of confidence and communication. 

“Communication may reveal barriers to a better sex life that can be addressed or reveal that it’s something that isn’t changeable at this time,” she says. With a transparent approach to communication, partners can empower each other to ask for and discuss other ways to have their needs met, or they can work on acceptance of a sex life adjustment.

Find a compromise.

Every relationship needs to negotiate the rules of engagement for sex and romance and to renegotiate them over time, Sweet says. Additionally, Casperson advises people to realize “Your partner is not responsible to fulfill all of your needs or desires.”

Sweet recommends people talk with their partners about how to best compromise on the mismatch of desire. She often works with couples where penis-in-vagina sex is off the table, but mutual masturbation, heavy petting, kissing, massage, sexting, reading erotica together, watching porn, and other activities are OK.

“Recognize you are both an individual sexual being and a partnered sexual being. Don’t undervalue your own ability to get yourself off, independent of a partner,” she says.

Be open to learning (and relearning).

“When it comes to desire, most of us respond to what helps us feel connected and loved (responsive desire), so it’s up to us to do those things to help invoke our lover’s desire,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, M.A.

If you and your partner’s sexual urges don’t match, learn what turns them on through conversations about desire, seduction, fetishes, erogenous zones, and more, even if you think you already know.

Don’t hesitate to learn more about your own sexual needs, too. “Sometimes, for the person who doesn’t crave sex as much, I suggest saying yes to sex,” says Stewart, “because sometimes people forget about how good sex feels and how great orgasms can be, so they need that reminder.”

Get the help of an expert.

“In some cases, seeing a therapist or educator who specializes in clinical sexology can help a couple reconcile the difference in sexual desire,” Sweet says. Rather than getting their partner to participate or express interest in sex, she finds that “for most folks, the hardest thing is talking to their partner about their needs, fantasies, and desires.”

Finding the language to express your needs and desires is difficult (and uncomfortable!), but it’s worth it to find resources that can help break the barrier that leads to a more fulfilling sex life.

Takeaways.

Whether you’re flying solo or in a committed relationship, sexual frustration is a common experience we’ve all had—that means there’s nothing wrong with you or your body for feeling this way.

As you navigate this tension, remember you have tons of options to physically and emotionally relieve it. Plus, you can use this opportunity to re-imagine your sex life completely.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Pressure To Be The Perfect Man

By Essex Mag

The pressure to be the perfect man takes its toll sometimes. This pressure comes from both external and internal influences. Work and family issues can cause stress and anxiety to build up and this can reveal itself in both physical and psychological symptoms. Often performance anxiety is also caused by a lack of confidence or self-esteem. Men can feel pressure to perform in the bedroom and unfortunately, this can lead to other issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) and an added strain on the relationship. There are several ways to boost your self-esteem, however. With a few tips, you can learn to tackle anything life throws at you.

Seek professional advice

If you’re concerned about erectile dysfunction or other issues relating to sexual health, the first thing to do is seek professional advice. Speaking to your doctor will give you peace of mind. They will be able to get to the root of the problem and recommend a suitable solution according to your unique requirements. There are treatments available such as Sildenafil which contain the active ingredient to combat ED. Your doctor might also refer you to a therapist to discuss stress, anxiety, or self-esteem issues. Online therapy is a good option. It’s discreet and flexible and you can book remote sessions. Your therapist will also suggest other activities that will help boost your confidence.

Set yourself goals

In order to motivate yourself, you need to start setting attainable goals. This way you can celebrate every milestone along the way, and gain confidence as you go. The SMART goals model is designed to help you set the right goals according to certain criteria. All objectives, whether professional or personal, should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Write down your goals and prioritize them according to these criteria. Break them down into tasks and plan how you’re going to achieve them.

Get active

Many studies have shown that physical activity can help to combat ED. It’s also a natural confidence-booster. Getting active will increase healthy blood flow, help with weight loss, and give you a newfound surge of energy. These can all help to improve performance in the bedroom. Exercise is also beneficial for mental wellbeing. It’s a great stress-reliever and releases endorphins which trigger a positive feeling in the body. Physical activity, therefore, improves your mood and self-esteem.

Find a new hobby

There are several reasons why hobbies are important. They are the perfect way to distract yourself and take a break from your stressful life. Find a new hobby that interests you, whether it’s active, creative, or intellectual. You could even take a course at work for professional development, or learn a new skill you’ve always been interested in. This way you can forget about your troubles from time to time and focus on something different. This will help you gain a sense of perspective and give you a confidence boost.

Meditation

You could also try using mindfulness meditation to improve your sex life. There are guided meditations and tips online to help you. Meditation can be used to target certain issues, but it’s also good for your general well-being. It allows you to clear your mind of cluttering or negative thoughts. You’ll then be able to find your inner calm and focus on the positives. The best thing about meditation is that you can do it anytime anywhere. You need any tools or equipment and it’s completely free. It all depends on you and taking the time to get centred. It’s also the perfect time of year to try meditating outside, take a walk in an area of natural beauty near you.

Pamper yourself

Everyone needs a little pampering from time to time and it’s a great way to relax and get a confidence boost. You could try recreating the spa at home with a few DIY treatments. Give yourself a facial or invest in some self-massage tools. Add a few essential oils to a warm bath and get some quality me-time. A new look might also help to improve your self-esteem. Here are a few grooming tips to boost confidence. Treat yourself to a professional shave or a new haircut. Buy yourself a present or new outfit, sometimes a little retail therapy can do the trick.

When the pressure to be the perfect man gets overwhelming, remember to practice self-care. Take time for yourself away from the stresses of everyday life. You’ll return relaxed and rejuvenated, with the confidence and energy you need in the bedroom.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Consensual Non-Monogamy For You?

5 Open Relationship Myths Busted

By Paula Kirsch

Are you thinking of opening up your relationship to consensual non-monogamy?

Before you do that, it’s important to look at the myths surrounding relationships and why you might want to consider an open relationship.

A 2017 study by Haupert and colleagues reported more than 20 percent of the U.S. population has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.

As a sex therapist who works with such couples and individuals practicing consensual non-monogamy and open relationships, I’m guessing that 20 percent may be a low estimate today.

In the Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, the authors debunk several myths about relationships and non-consensual monogamy.

So, if you’re considering non-consensual monogamy, here are 5 myths about relationships that you need to know about.

1. The only “real” relationships are those that are monogamous.

Everyone is familiar with monogamy and knows how it works.

But, as my sex therapy supervisor once said, “If monogamy is the gold standard in relationships, what’s the divorce rate again?”

Sometimes, we have an unrealistic view that we will lose interest in all others just because we’re married.

How’s that working out for you?

2. Loving someone means it’s OK to control their behavior.

We know we can’t control anyone but ourselves in reality.

Again as evidenced by the divorce rate and the number of infidelities that occur in monogamous relationships, it’s unrealistic to think that we can prevent our spouse from having sex with someone else if they want to.

3. Jealousy is an insurmountable issue in an open relationship.

The interesting thing here is that it assumes being in a monogamous relationship will protect you from envy.

In monogamous relationships, people go to great lengths to hide their affairs and dalliances when having agreements.

Being honest and unlearning some of the “oughts” that lead to jealousy might be the more ethical and healing approach.

4. Having other partners for sex reduces intimacy in your primary relationship.

With agreements in place and open and honest conversation, you may find that having other partners rekindles new relationship energy that overflows into your primary relationship.

5. Sexual desire is a destructive force or the only proper way to have sex is within a committed relationship.

These sex-negative ideas are throwbacks to the beginning of patriarchal and puritanical religions that warn that women’s sexuality will lure men to their doom. (Think: the Garden of Eden mythology.)

In truth, what could be more creative than sexual desire, which we use to create new human beings, art, literature, music, and so much more? So much of our creativity resides in the sacral chakra — our sexual center.

You might like an open relationship if you find yourself in an “okay” marriage or partnership with no significant issues.

Still, maybe your partner doesn’t like some of the bedroom activities you enjoy. Or perhaps you have mismatched sexual desire, one of the most common problems I see in couples therapy.

Maybe you have an interest or hobby your partner doesn’t share.

It’s difficult for one person to check all our boxes.

No one person be everything to us and meet all our needs. An open relationship creates room for those needs to be satisfied.

The way I see it is through a lens of abundance. Life is short and there’s plenty of love available if you’re open to that.

As a therapist, I can tell you I have seen open relationships that work and don’t work — just like monogamous relationships!

Good communication skills are essential. And it’s crucial to work out agreements in advance so everyone is on the same page.

More often, a woman shows up in individual therapy with me, freaked out because her husband or partner wants to open the relationship. We explore what’s real, what’s going on in their relationship, and how she feels about dating.

She reads and researches, learning everything she can about how open relationships work, and often ends up with a fuller and richer life.

Yes! You can thrive in an open relationship!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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One Year Without Sex, Love or Dating

One writer looks back over the lonely reality for single people in the UK during the pandemic.

By Shon Faye

Being single throughout the first lockdown might not have been so hard if I hadn’t begun 2020 still very much in a couple. I still remember the Christmas card he gave me and the message he wrote inside: “I loved spending 2019 with you, looking forward to more in 2020 and beyond”. I so wanted that to be the case. But a month later we were both sat in the bedroom of his flat, faces red with tears and my case packed to leave for the last time. “Can we still see each other?” he asked, his eyes glistening with the naive hope of an adolescent. Yet his 35-year-old rational brain surely must have told him the answer. He knew we couldn’t. The reason for the split was as simple as it was life shattering. He said he wanted children, one day. Children that I had never dreamed of myself nor could ever give him, even if I wanted to.

They call it a deal breaker – the ultimate one, really, as there is no hope and no compromise – yet the expression makes heartbreak sound like a boardroom negotiation. It would be more accurate to say the relationship had a terminal illness and I chose to assist its death with dignity rather than let it carry on to an inevitable, but uglier, end years down the line. To me, it was a cataclysm that left me confounded by grief. Grief that felt more like physical pain for months. Months that, unfortunately, happened to coincide with a pandemic, which turned the other aspects of my life upside down, too.

“Now’s the time to get really good at wanking”, my also recently single friend Gemma says matter-of-factly over Whatsapp voice-note, as if masturbation was a skill like kayaking or getting a soufflé to rise, before adding, “and phone sex”. It’s the end of March 2020 and pressure is increasing on Boris Johnson to put the UK into a full lockdown. In the six weeks since my breakup, coronavirus has become a growing global disaster. The advice is clear: do not leave home, do not touch anyone, do not date, do not fuck. 

Of course I can physically go without sex or dating – for the past six weeks I did just that. But I also told everyone that this was ‘actually fine’. Bragging constantly about a forthcoming summer of promiscuity was a lame attempt at a confidence trick on my own brain. In the immediate aftermath of my breakup, the idea of another man’s touch or his weight on mine truly seemed inconceivable and undesirable. Yet when this became officially illegal, I panicked.

In the year since the start of the first lockdown, single people have largely been ignored or erased in government communications about living with COVID restrictions. If, like me, you entered this pandemic single (or if you are in a couple where you don’t cohabit) sex has technically been illegal for most of it. There was a brief period where it was possible from July to October but any new relationship embarked upon during this time would need to have become exclusive and cohabiting within a matter of weeks to have survived the second wave. It’s safe to say most of us who went into this pandemic single still are and will be for some time to come.

Of course, no one actually thought it would go on this long. Most of the official advice a year ago wasn’t dissimilar to my friend Gemma’s – it was an era of Zoom dates, sex toys, phone sex and nudes, I was reassured by online magazines and sexual health charities all of whom sounded very upbeat about this new era of remote sexuality. Even a year ago, I sensed they were missing the point. Sex and dating, for the newly single me, were about reprising an old ritual of encountering other people in order to rebuild a coherent picture of myself as a sexual being.

It’s a common belief that any straight cis men who are titillated by the offer of sex with a transgender woman must be physically fetishising us. It’s an analysis I’ve always found tedious and reductive about what even the most casual encounters with strangers have taught me about people and about life. Some years ago, I anecdotally noticed that men on dating apps seemed much less bothered about the idea of being with a transsexual if they’d recently gone through a divorce or a long term relationship had ended. Their once imagined lives broken, they were hoping to see what a woman exiled from many heterosexual norms might have to teach them about their own failings. For years before I met my ex, I had gone “for drinks” with the sort of man who secretly hopes that by tasting my deviance, he’ll learn something more interesting about himself. It’s a vampiric exchange; a contract of heat and blood. I suppose last year I desperately hoped that the roles could be reversed. That, post breakup, with my own failed attempt at assimilating into heterosexuality, cis men might teach me about how to do normality better next time. That I would get to be the vampire.

I had taken the gamble to be single. I hadn’t chosen to be alone and bereft indefinitely.

Devoid of such luck, I instead spend significant parts of the first lockdown glued to Hinge and Tinder talking to people. In lieu of the ability to actually meet, I stay talking to men I may have previously swiftly turned down for a real date. I regale my friends who are bored with lockdown with stories of my improbable virtual interactions. At one point last summer, for example, I was talking to three different Army officers (don’t worry – different regiments!) despite the fact my politics are anti-imperialist enough to question if soldiers should even exist. When Vera Lynn died last June, my friend Huw cattily referred to me as “our very own Forces’ sweetheart” in the group chat.

At other times, the loneliness is too dark for jokes. Until things started to open up in July last year, I was tormented by memories of my ex flooding back to me in the hours, days and weeks spent alone in lockdown. His hand on the small of my back on a crowded tube platform, the time he rowed me around the Plaza España in Seville and I took the piss the whole time because being treated just like any other girl with a boyfriend on holiday was so unfamiliar, the specific way the cadence of his breath would change during sex, the way his face would melt into a disarming smile when I’d outsmarted him in a debate about some political point or other.

One criticism of government policy during the pandemic is that it has entrenched traditional norms in which only couples get the comfort of touch and intimacy. Having gone through the worst breakup of my life without even so much as a hug from a good friend or a gym class that promises to restore my self worth, it is inevitable that there have been moments in the past year I regretted my decision to leave my relationship. In breaking up with him, I had taken the gamble to be single and make room for another life, more suited to my own long term needs and desires. I hadn’t chosen to be alone and bereft indefinitely.

Given the pandemic’s side effect of reinforcing socially conservative romantic arrangements and aspirations, my rejection of my ex’s offer of precisely these things has also come back to haunt me at times. “You’re a transsexual and he was a tall, handsome, intelligent homeowner with great teeth: why the fuck did you do that?” my stimulus-starved brain started to bark at me. Sometimes, the queries were crueller: “Why don’t you want to be a mother anyway?”, the sadistic voice inside me asked. “Not much of a woman after all, you?”

I must first claw back the other parts of my life when this purgatory eventually ends.

Tired of second guessing my own judgement, I’ve given up on the pursuit of dating for now. It was brutal and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but, in the end, time did the work in healing me from my breakup – we have all lived with restrictions for so long my relationship with my ex now feels like it took place in a different age, a time of crowded bars and packed restaurants. I can exchange a brief text with him now or even visualise his future wife and kids and not feel the searing pain. I can be glad he has the space for his own future, too.

It’s not just time that’s helped: a brief late summer romance with a (slightly) younger man who unexpectedly slid into my DMs on Instagram managed to change my negative patterns of thinking about whether I’ll be alone forever: we didn’t work out long term but dating him showed me it may work with someone else. A second breakup, even if less intense, followed by a second lockdown, was a fucking chore. Again: no affirming spin class and no drinks with the girls. Since that whirlwind relationship ended so abruptly when we returned to lockdowns last autumn, the unsustainability of trying to build a serious relationship after all this solitude, anxiety and uncertainty has convinced me that I am not in the mindset to offer anyone else any kind of healthy relationship. I must first claw back the other parts of my life when this purgatory eventually ends.

The pandemic has shown single and coupled people alike that all relationships are practical things, built more on a mixture of chance, timing, proximity and long-term compatibility than they are on initial chemistry or sexual desire, which you can have with many people. I loved my ex-boyfriend so much that, at times a few years ago, he seemed like my only true happiness. But it was still right our relationship ended, as many have done during the pandemic for similar reasons: incompatibilities and insecurities were revealed with the removal of distractions and overexposure to one another.

In the year since lockdowns began, I have relied so heavily on remote support from my friends that my yearning for romantic reassurance has receded just as my need for in-person laughter and fun with my friends has grown to desperate levels. I long for the conviviality and spontaneity of the house party that runs until 6AM, the unplanned dinner out, the gossip and the sarcasm. After the hard work of surviving these lockdowns without friendship, how could the arduous work of building a lasting romantic love compete?

For years before I met the man I adored then had to leave, I would imagine meeting someone like him and the life we would build together. I would daydream about how such a man would smooth over every scratch and dent left in my spirit by the unenviable tasks of being trans and a woman in this world and make it stronger. Of course, I hope I’ll find love again after the pandemic but I no longer fantasise about the more fulfilled and resilient and powerful woman I’ll eventually turn into when I have it. Alone, I have already become her.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Schedule ‘Spontaneous’ Sex

— and Why You Should

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

Think of sex like an oil change for your car… except way hotter and a lot more exciting.

Keeping up with regular maintenance — and lube — helps keep your engine running at its best. The same idea applies to sex and all it can do for your mental and physical well-being as well as your relationship, if you’re in one.

Scheduling sex sounds like it’s all business, but when it comes to the business of pleasure, thinking ahead is the way to get more of the good stuff.

We’re talking more sex, potentially more orgasms, and all the added benefits that come from those things, like reduced stress, elevated mood, stronger relationships, and better sleep.

We believe pleasure is a fundamental aspect of a safe and healthy sex life. That’s why we rely on experienced writers, educators, and other experts to share their suggestions on everything from the technique you use to the sex toy you buy.

We only recommend something that we genuinely love, so if you see a shop link to a specific product or brand, know that it’s been thoroughly researched — if you know what we mean. Wink.

We mean the whole freakin’ shebang: Masturbation, cuddling, kissing, or any other form of physical intimacy. Basically, if it arouses you, it counts.

If you think back to the steamiest, most toe-curling sex you’ve ever had, chances are it was scheduled.

That super erotic virtual sesh with your long-distance boo? You probably agreed on a time to connect.

A hot IRL hookup post-lockdown? Bet you counted down the days till a face-to-face was OK.

Date night with a happy ending with your spouse or person you’re seeing? Yep, also planned in advance.

Even those sweaty solo jobs you can’t wait to squeeze in after your roommate/parents/kids go to bed are pretty much planned in advance.

Did thinking ahead to a time to get down and dirty make the sex any less enjoyable? Of course not! That’s because scheduled sex is the same as normal sex — pleasurable, satisfying, and fun!

Life’s not like it is in the movies, friends. Our schedules and sex drives aren’t always in sync, and we don’t always climax in unison.

Logistics and libidos are tricky and don’t always play nice together without some effort and shifting things around.

Carving out time for sex works on so many levels, you’ll wonder why you ever thought it was a joykill in the first place.

Here’s why it works.

It gives you time to prep

Knowing when sex is on the menu gives you time to get ready for it.

That could mean resting up first with a nap, grooming your nether regions, or bribing your roommate with a gift card for frozen yogurt so they can GTFO for a couple hours.

It can remove some potential obstacles

Practically speaking, a heads-up before a sex date is helpful for anyone dealing with issues or symptoms that can interfere with sex.

For example, it’s helpful if you:

  • use Viagra or vaginal cream before sex
  • have anxiety
  • take longer to get aroused
  • use medication that causes side effects

It gives you time to set the mood

Not that we don’t love a good no-fuss throw-down, but once in a while it’s nice to bust out the candles and nice sheets, or sex props and rubber sheets, if that’s your jam.

It’s like foreplay for your brain

Oh, the sweet anticipation of knowing that you’re gonna get hot and heavy!

It’s like knowing there’s a piece of cake waiting for you at home after you’ve been starving all day, only instead of your fave frosting, you get an orgasm.

And as a partner on the receiving end of an impending rendezvous, knowing you’re desired and wanted can give you and your loins all the feels.

It can start a convo about sex

Not everyone’s comfortable talking about sex, but having to plan it gives you a great starting point if you want to talk fantasies or share your turn-ons. (More on how to talk about it coming right up!)

It can help you out of a rut

Falling into a rut happens to the best of us, especially in long-term relationships. Add a pandemic, and sitting around in sweats and ordering takeout becomes the norm.

People are having less sex, according to research. Scheduling could be a way to bring back the oomph, even if it’s scheduling some high school-style making out or dry humping between episodes of “Bridgerton.”

The key to bringing it up is to not make it sound like a chore that you have to do. It’s sex, not a dental cleaning.

You could say something along the lines of:

  • “Remember when we had time to stay in bed a while after sex? I miss that! Bet we could do it again if we set aside time on [insert days].”
  • “We’ve been so busy. I think it’s time we scheduled some sexy time. What’s your schedule look like on [insert day]?”
  • “How would you feel about setting aside more time for sex?”

If not having enough sex is a sore spot and having a negative impact on your relationship, you may benefit from laying it all on the table:

  • “It’s no secret that we haven’t been connecting lately. Let’s agree to set aside some time every week just for the two of us. What do you think?”
  • “I know I’ve been too tired/busy to have sex lately, but I really want to change that. How would you feel about making [insert day/time] our time to hookup since that’s when we both have more time and energy?”

Ready to think ahead for more sex? Here are some things to help you go about it so you get the most from the best thing on your calendar.

Set your goals

Think about what you’re hoping to achieve from planned sex:

  • Are you looking to have more sex in general?
  • Do you want more time to bask in the post-coital glow rather than the quick, socks-on sex you’ve been having since becoming parents?
  • Do you want to spice it up by trying new things and exploring fantasies?
  • Do you want to set aside more time for self-exploration and masturbation?

Keep your goals in mind when scheduling your play time so you can plan accordingly. And by “your goals,” we mean the goals of all involved.

Get it in the cal

OK, you don’t ~have to~ put your sex dates on the calendar.

But if your schedules are wild or completely mismatched, putting sex on the calendar gives it priority status and lowers the chances that you’ll accidentally double-book your sexy slot.

Allow for flexibility

Just because you’re mapping out the time doesn’t mean you should map out every move.

If you go in with marching order, you could be setting the stage for performance anxiety or resentment if one of you isn’t really feeling the planned act in that exact moment.

Go in with a general intention of what you both want without setting any hard and fast rules.

Be open to rescheduling

Let’s be clear, you don’t want to fall into the habit of putting off your sex dates, or you’ll never make any new ground.

But some days, rescheduling your sexcapades might be the best thing. Like if one of you is sick or dealing with something heavy.

Before postponing, though, take a moment to remember how good sex feels. If you can muster the extra bit of energy to start, do it.

All that said, you shouldn’t feel pressured to engage in a sex act when you don’t want to. There must be mutual consent, regardless of the type of relationship you’re in.

Once you figure out the *when*, it’s time to get down to the *how*.

Here are some tips:

  • Build the anticipation with suggestive whispers or sexts that let them know you can’t wait to have them.
  • If playing solo, trying a new sex toy or picking out some new porn for your pending playtime can build anticipation.
  • Just because it’s pretty much a sure thing doesn’t give you a free pass to skimp on the woo or the hygiene, so put in the effort.
  • When the day arrives, focus on the time with yourself/together rather than the act itself, so whatever happens can just happen naturally.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How I Have Sex

— “I Can End Up Feeling Nothing Even When All the Right ‘Spots’ Are Touched”

By

The first time I remember thinking about sex was at the age of 15, when I started dating my first boyfriend. As teenagers, we were curious about this and started thinking about it more when there was someone else to talk to. I explored sexual behaviors like kissing, fingering, and oral sex between 15 and 18, and 19 is when I had peno-vaginal sex for the first time.

But I hadn’t realized until then that I was demisexual. So even in my early 20s, I was meeting people on dating apps and thought of sex as something you had to do as a “right of passage” after dates. So I did meet up and have sex without really having an emotional connection. Rather, I thought I had some basic level of emotional connection with them — but I later realized that I was just grasping for straws. I was just creating a connection with somebody, but I didn’t actually have it with these people and didn’t enjoy these experiences. My friends kept talking about this amazing sex that they were having, and I realized only later that I was looking at the wrong place.

Since that time sex was something I thought about in connection with someone I had feelings for; I didn’t even think that it could be otherwise. Demisexuality, I would say, translates into kind of a conditional sexual attraction. I think a lot of people don’t know that sexuality, or any asexual spectrum identity for that matter, doesn’t have anything to do with sex drive. There may be some people who are demisexual and don’t experience any sexual attraction outside of their emotional attachment, but that’s not the case with me. Sexual attraction is like a spectrum: ‘Oh, I’ve met this person who I find really attractive’ versus ‘I am actually in love with this person, and I actually want to have sex with them.’ So I can find someone attractive but not want to have sex with them. And plus, sexual attraction occurs very selectively for me, much more selectively than for someone who’s not very sexual.

People say that everyone is a demisexual, that sex is better when you have an emotional bond. It’s not about if it’s better or bad, it’s that you don’t experience sexual attraction at all unless there is an emotional bond.

My current boyfriend and I, we started out as friends — which turned into friends with benefits. After some time, I felt attracted to him, and I wanted to have sex with him, even though he was romantically involved. We had an emotional bond as close friends, but it got better when we got romantically involved because it added another layer of depth to the emotional connection.

It doesn’t matter if my partner is demisexual or not, it’s just the emotional connection between us that counts. In my current relationship, it was emotional, romantic, and considerate. Realizing that I no longer ‘had’ to do this pointless casual sex rigmarole, and incidentally getting into a monogamous romantic relationship where I had deep emotional feelings for my partner, all made it so much better. I was lucky it all happened together.

I would say I feel a lot more agency when it comes to sex life, ever since I came out as demisexual. Instead of going along with the other person’s wishes, I’ve become more confident in vocalizing what I want and saying no when I want to. Earlier, I used to always be like: Okay, I’m not feeling it in this moment, but that’s not how I’m supposed to feel and the other person is expecting me to say yes, so I would just go along with that. I don’t do that anymore.

Building anticipation is the most important aspect of foreplay for me. It’s not so much about the specific acts done during it, as it is about creating that mood and the anticipation, and building up to that moment of urgency where you feel like you can’t wait anymore! One time that I particularly remember enjoying was when my partner made it completely about me and took it really slow. When I tried to reach out to reciprocate, he gently stopped me and told me to let him do what he wants to me. That made me feel like my pleasure was important and cared about, and the intimacy of that feeling made it the best foreplay I’ve ever experienced!

The usual pleasure centers do the trick for me. Nipples are particularly important — just stimulating them alone, without touching any other part of me, can suffice as foreplay if I’m sufficiently in the mood that day. Also, it’s very important for me that attention be paid to the less ‘usual’ erogenous zones—neck, back, torso, thighs. Simply being held like I’m important and desirable to the person is just as important as specific erogenous zones being touched, if you know what I mean. I can end up feeling nothing even when all the right ‘spots’ are being touched if the person doesn’t make me feel like they desire me (as opposed to simply wanting sex). I don’t think this deprives me of any pleasure — as someone who has had sexual experiences without emotional part, I didn’t enjoy them anyway. So I don’t think I’m missing out on anything.

Exhibitionism appeals to me — being watched while engaging in sex. Maybe because the thought of involving someone else in the bedroom feels exciting, but at the same time I’m not fully comfortable with the idea of actually having someone join us in the activity. So someone watching us is the perfect middle ground. I’ve tried clitoral and vaginal stimulating sex toys individually as well as in partnered sex. Clitoral stimulation from a vibrator is the fastest way for me to climax — probably the first time I ever climaxed with a sex toy! Four times in a row was a new feeling for me.

I would say I’m on the higher end of a normal sex drive, contrary to what people believe about demisexuals. People don’t understand the difference between sexual attraction and sex drive: sex drive is the desire to have some kind of sexual experience whereas sexual attraction means wanting to have sex with another person — and those things are not mutually exclusive.

On the whole, lust and love exist as separate frames. Sex drive, for me at least is completely independent of my sexuality. Because sex drive can exist independent of a partner, I can personally have a sex drive alone as well. But the drive to do it with somebody else, that only really occurs if I have a deep emotional attachment with them. But I do have to say that I’m more satisfied with partnered sex because there’s foreplay involved, which I typically get lazy and skip when it’s just me.

Physical attraction matters very little to me — if you compare it with the emotional connection, the physical is insignificant. I prefer people without a gym body. As somebody who myself has struggled with body image issues all my life, I once dated someone who had a six-pack and was a model. It was very intimidating to me and I couldn’t see past that exterior and engage with him as a person. I wanted someone who looked like a regular Joe.

People who actually end up falling in love and having serious relationships and sex within that relationship, and being monogamous with each other, it’s uncommon nowadays. I value monogamy — but I’m not 100% sure if my monogamy is connected to my demisexuality or not. But I am demisexual, and I am also monogamous. You can be monogamous or polyamorous — that’s independent of your sexuality.

Over time, the novelty factor around sex has, of course, worn off, because it can’t stay forever. I also find that I share some of the same thoughts about sex as before: the desire to feel intimate with your partner, when I experience emotions with someone, those things have remained constant. It’s just that the language I use now to talk about it is more evolved. I have become more corporate in how I feel and how I view sex: I feel this pressure to conform and think of it and approach it in the same way other people do. And I realized that your personal and social identity don’t have to be homogenous; everybody doesn’t have to be the same. That’s the most dominant change that I’ve experienced.

As a demisexual and bisexual, it can be kind of tricky to deal with which part of me is more important, so to speak. Am I equally both things? Which of it makes me more queer? There is also the whole aspect of a lot of queer people who don’t think that demisexuality makes you queer — which makes me feel like we’re being nudged. There may be demisexual people out there who choose to say that ‘I am demi, but I don’t feel like I’m queer, I’m still straight,’ and that’s their prerogative. But the problem is that a lot of people who are LGBTQ tacitly assert that you don’t have the right to identify as queer just because you are demisexual. That makes me feel unseen and sad.

I understand that the whole thing of slotting ourselves into a certain sexuality or gender. It’s not a strict label, but rather just a rough way to understand whereabouts on the spectrum a person might be. And that ultimately, to understand a person better, you need to ask them because they are the only ones who can answer those questions for you, because everybody is completely unique — even two demisexual people could be completely different. I’ve had this conversation with somebody else who was also a woman who was demisexual, and bisexual like me, and we still differ so much in how we approach sexuality and love and sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 reasons why women may have a low sex drive

and what to do about it

By Madeline Kennedy

  • Some causes of a low sex drive in women include taking medicines like birth control or SSRIs. 
  • Stress and not sleeping enough could also cause lowered libido.
  • Medical conditions like diabetes or heart disease may also cause a lower sex drive.

There’s no “normal” amount of sex drive. The right amount is whatever feels right for you. Yet, many women feel like their sex drive is too low.

One 2008 study found that — among a poll of over 30,000 US women — 15% of women ages 45 to 64 and 11% under 44 reported significant issues with low sex drive.

There are many reasons your sex drive can take a dip, including stress, medications, your period, or relationship issues. Here are 10 of the most common reasons you may have a hard time feeling sexual.

1. Shifts in hormones during your menstrual cycle

Your levels of sex hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone change throughout your menstrual cycle, which can affect your sex drive, says Kate Thomas, PhD, the director of clinical services at The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic.

“We know that progesterone can have a negative impact on sexuality; the role of estrogen is less understood,” Thomas says.

You may notice that your sex drive is higher around the middle of your cycle, while you’re ovulating, but it may dip lower at other times, like during your period. This is partly because progesterone levels rise once you’re done ovulating, as your body gets ready to menstruate.

However, “increases and decreases in sexual drive appear to be quite individual,” Thomas says.

2. Hormonal birth control

Hormonal birth control methods like the pill, vaginal rings, and hormonal IUDs are linked with lower sex drive in women, Thomas says.

This is because hormonal birth control lowers your testosterone levels, which leads to a lower sex drive. Having less testosterone in your body can also make your vulva and clitoris feel less sensitive, which may make sex less appealing.

A 2013 review found that 15% of women taking birth control pills reported that their sex drive had decreased since starting the pill. 

If you have sexual issues while using birth control, talk to your gynecologist about non-hormonal options like the copper IUD.

3. Antidepressants

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant medication that can lower your sex drive. Some common SSRIs are sertraline (Zoloft) and escitalopram (Lexapro).

SSRIs work by raising serotonin levels in the brain, which can help boost your mood. But higher serotonin levels can also make you feel less interested in sex, Thomas says.

“Many women report lowered sexual drive when on SSRIs, but the most commonly reported side effect is difficulty reaching orgasm,” says Thomas. This is important because if you can’t orgasm, you may feel less interested in having sex.

If you’re having these symptoms, you may want to talk to your doctor about changing your dose or trying a different medication.

4. Diabetes

Having diabetes can reduce your sex drive, particularly if your blood sugar levels aren’t stable. When your diabetes isn’t well controlled, you’re more likely to have nerve damage and issues with blood circulation, which could affect sex drive.  

“Diabetes affects the small blood vessels and nerves that feed and innervate the genital region,” Thomas says. “Thus, people who have the disease can experience a lack of sensation and feeling.”

Working with your doctor to get your diabetes under control may help bring back your sex drive and make it easier for you to feel aroused.

5. Not sleeping enough

Missing out on sleep can throw off your nervous system, which controls most of your bodily functions, including your sex drive. “Anything that disrupts the fine-tuning of this system, like lack of sleep, will negatively impact sexuality,” Thomas says.

To deal with the stress from lack of sleep, your body produces more of a stress hormone called cortisol, while decreasing your levels of sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone, Thomas says. When these hormones take a dip, your sexual desire will too.

Not getting enough sleep can also make you feel irritable and fatigued, Thomas says, which can make it harder to get in the mood. Sleeping the recommended 7-9 hours a night can help rebalance your hormones, mood, and sex drive.

6. Depression

“Depression is a prime reason for not wanting to be sexual or not being able to focus when one is sexually engaged,” Thomas says.

This is because depression can cause serious symptoms like intense sadness and affect how your body functions. “These emotions can impact sleep, lead to fatigue, lack of motivation and decreased self-esteem, all things that lead away from a hearty sexual appetite,” Thomas says.

Getting treatment for depression using therapy or medication may help your energy and sex drive return.

7. Stress

When you’re feeling stressed out, your sex drive can take a hit. “Women who find themselves stressed from job demands, children, and family responsibilities have little energy left over to focus on sex,” Thomas says.

Over time, stress can also raise your levels of cortisol and lower testosterone and estrogen, making it harder for you to get aroused.

Cutting down on stressful activities, exercising, and practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing can help lower your stress levels.

8. Low self-esteem

If you feel bad about yourself, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex. This is especially true if you don’t like the way your body looks – you may be less likely to ask for sex or to feel comfortable getting intimate.

Your interest in being sexual often changes based on how you see yourself, Thomas says, including how attractive you feel, your body image, and your overall self-esteem, Thomas says.

Seeing a therapist or practicing gratitude may be a good first step to work on raising your self-esteem.

9. Heart disease

Heart disease decreases the blood flow throughout your body, including to your vagina and vulva. “Since blood flow to the genitals is what defines arousal, decreases most definitely have some impact,” Thomas says.

Cardiovascular symptoms such as fatigue, shortness of breath and chest pain also play a role,” by making sex more exhausting and difficult, Thomas says. Working with your doctor to regulate heart disease symptoms may be a good option to give your sex drive a boost.

10. Relationship problems

“One of the most common things we hear from women is how much issues in their relationship relate to their decreased interest in sex,” Thomas says.

Conflicts, mistrust, and stress can push you and your partner further apart, making it harder to feel intimate. “In order to feel sexually drawn to our partners we must like them first,” Thomas says.

Going to couples therapy may be a good option if you’re facing issues in your relationship. “Often these aspects of the relationship need to be addressed in order to even begin healing sexually,” Thomas says.

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