Tag: Relationship Advice

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Is there really a major gender mismatch when it comes to the best time to have sex?

When do you prefer to get romantic?

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What’s the best time of day to have sex?

Your answer might depend on your gender – and, if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, you may find it doesn’t match up with your partner’s.

That’s according to a survey that found that the peak time for women is 10pm, right before they go to bed, while men prefer to have sex first thing in the morning, at 7.30am.

As if we didn’t already have enough to contend with when it comes to mismatched sex drives, apparently we also have to navigate a 14-hour difference in the time we’d like to get intimate. Great stuff.

This claimed difference means that, according to the study, 64% of women and 38% of men say they sometimes have sex when they don’t really feel like it.

Jessica Leoni, sex and relationships expert at Illicit Encounters, who commissioned the survey of 2,000 people, said: ‘This new research shows that there are big differences in sex o’clock between the sexes.

‘Men are ready for sex before breakfast, whereas women most want passion last thing at night.

‘This creates big problems for some couples who get out of the habit of having sex regularly and drift apart.’

Jessica goes on to say that this could be the cause of affairs, but as a representative for an an extramarital dating site, she would suggest that.

Rather than throwing our hands up in the air at these findings and declaring ourselves doomed, it’s worth looking a little deeper.

Compromise and working around your schedules is a good approach

For one thing, while the morning may have been chosen as the best time to have sex by the majority of men, that’s only by a tiny margin – 31% of men in the survey picked 6am, while 25% chose between 9pm and 12pm.

That means that women’s ‘peak’ time is men’s very close second choice.

And men’s ‘peak’ time comes in third preferred for women.

We’re not so different after all…

While it’s easy to simplify any differences in the optimal sex time to gender alone – men have morning wood, women like to get cosy before sleep, for example – it feels far more likely that the best time to have sex is very much down to the rest of our schedules.

Yes, perhaps men might tend to be aroused in the morning, but if they have an early start requiring a manic rush from shower to breakfast, that’s likely to take precedence.

Equally, perhaps those who chose 9pm to 12pm as the best time to get romantic did so not because of some kind of internal clock, but because this is the time all the day’s tasks are done and they can actually relax.

The answer, as with so many issues to do with sex and relationships, is likely adapting and comprimising.

The adapting bit will depend on your day-to-day lives. A previous survey by Superdrug found that the most popular times of the week for couples in the UK to have sex are Saturday and Sunday mornings and Friday and Saturday nights – because our schedules change up at the weekends and allow more free time.

It might be worth scheduling sex for times when you know both you and your partner can properly enjoy the moment.

Then, compromise. You might think that 6am on a Tuesday is the best time to have sex, but do you also fancy it at 9pm, which happens to be your other half’s preference?

You might have one ideal time to get some loving, but realistically, your sex drive is unlikely to have a strict time limit. Try out different times and do it when it works for you, rather than holding out for one ascribed ‘peak’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Polyamory

— How It Works & How To Know If It’s For You

By Stephanie Barnes

Growing up, most of us weren’t exposed to polyamory or polyamorous relationships. That’s because monogamy is the most common approach to love and relationship, and it’s ingrained into the very fabric of society. Maybe your parents have been married for decades, or maybe all the other relationships you witnessed only involved two people. While monogamy might seem like the only way to go, in reality there are so many other ways to approach love. We all have the right to choose, and more and more people are choosing to pursue polyamorous unions.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy wherein people may have romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time, says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “Everyone involved in the polyamorous relationship has consented to the relationship dynamic,” she adds.

The word polyamory can be broken down into two parts: poly, which has Greek origins and translates to “many or more than one,” and amor, which is Latin and means “love.” Together, the word refers to having many loves. Even though the word itself hasn’t been around for that long, polyamory has been in practice since the beginning of time, according to Menezes.

“Of course, there are many ways people can structure what their relationships look like, and so there can be many types and structures of polyamory,” she tells mbg.

Polyamory vs. polygamy.

While the words sound similar, polyamory and polygamy aren’t the same thing. In fact, they’re very different, according to Kamela Dolinova, a counselor who works with the polyamorous community.

Like monogamy, Dolinova explains, polygamy has to do with marriage: being married to many people rather than one (mono). But historically, most polygamous cultures have only allowed for one man marrying many women. Women have rarely had the freedom to marry several men or to have relationships with anyone other than their husband.

“Polygamy tends to operate as an oppressive double-standard, often for the purpose of producing many children,” she says. “Polyamory, on the other hand, may involve any number of people and a mix of genders, each of whom may or may not be married to anyone.

How does polyamory work?

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to any relationship, and that also applies to polyamorous ones. Everyone does polyamory a little differently. There are no rules set in stone, but the people involved in any given relationship create their own boundaries and agreements. The key is to make sure you are honoring whatever boundaries and agreements were made and openly communicating your desires if they’ve evolved beyond the original terms.

Here are a few ways polyamory might look:

1. “Opening” an existing relationship

Sometimes a couple will “open up” their relationship, Dolinova says, which might mean one or both of them begin to date other people (with each other’s mutual consent). It could also sometimes mean a third person dates both of the partners, forming a three-person relationship (also known as a throuple). Alternatively, two couples might choose to become romantically or sexually involved with each other.

2. The hierarchical approach

Within a polyamorous relationship, some may choose to prioritize one partner above others, making that person their “primary” partner. There’s also the option to have multiple primary partners or leave the space for additional relationships that could blossom to primary level, or those who prefer the hierarchical approach might opt to stick with one primary relationship. In this setup, the other partners are considered secondary partners, and they often must accept pre-existing rules or limits on time defined by the primary relationship members.

But while the words primary and secondary have been used for a long time to indicate more hierarchical relationships, many people now find these “oppressive,” Dolinova says. Some people instead (or additionally) use the term nesting partners to refer to partners that share a home or living space.

3. The non-hierarchical approach

A polyamorous relationship can also exist without placing one partner or relationship above others, which is sometimes referred to as relationship anarchy. You don’t have to have any primary partners; you could instead choose to have multiple relationships without ranking them. Terms like nesting partners can still be useful to simply indicate partners that you live with without implying a hierarchy.

4. Solo polyamory

“Some people practice ‘solo polyamory,’ where they have several partners but don’t live with any of them. You might say there are as many ways to practice polyamory as there are people in such relationships. The only common thread is that all people involved need to know about one another and be willing to communicate,” Dolinova explains.

Polyamory terms to know:

  • Ethical non-monogamy: This is the umbrella term for consensual relationships where people agree to have more than one romantic or intimate relationship at a time. This means that whoever is involved in this relationship is in the know and agrees to the relationship dynamics.
  • Metamour: This is your partner’s partner. Metamours may or may not interact with each other, depending on the structure of the relationship.
  • Polycule: A polycule is the group of all the people who are somehow connected through the romantic relationships they are in. This doesn’t mean that they all have to be dating each other.
  • Polysatured: A term for when a person is polyamorous but not currently open to new partners or relationships.
  • Compersion: The word compersion describes the feeling of being happy, turned on, or excited about the idea of your partner being happy, romantically or sexually, with another person.
  • Triads and quads: Relationships that involve three people or four people. The triad could also be referred to as a throuple, which means each person is actively dating the other two people in the relationship. A quad could consist of two couples.
  • V or vee: A V relationship occurs when two people are both dating a third person, but they’re not dating each other. The third person is often referred to as the “hinge.”
  • Nesting partner: A partner you live with. They may or may not also be considered a “primary partner,” meaning that you prioritize them above other relationships.

Is polyamory illegal?

No. Polyamory isn’t illegal, but there are limitations for these unions. According to Dolinova, there aren’t any laws preventing consenting adults from having more than one loving relationship at a time, but being married to more than one person is indeed illegal in (most of) the United States.

“Some polyamorous people would like for marriage freedoms to be extended so that groups of three or four or more could share the rights and benefits conferred by the legal institution of marriage. Groups who are raising children together would especially benefit from this,” she explains. “There can certainly be high social consequences for polyamorous people, though, ranging from not being recognized as a family by a workplace to having children taken away. So, while it’s not illegal per se, it does still exist in a kind of social gray area.”

Can polyamory be bad or toxic?

Most things can be wonderful for one person and not great for someone else. There’s a common misconception that polyamory is naturally toxic or bad, but that isn’t the case. Polyamory can be a beautiful way of relating to others, just like any other relationship style. What can make it and/or any other relationship toxic is what happens inside that relationship between the people in it, their actions, and behaviors.

Like any other relationship structure, polyamory can become toxic when there is “dishonesty, unhealthy power dynamics, consistently overstepping boundaries, disregarding others’ feelings and agreements, choosing to be in the relationship for the wrong reasons,” says Menezes.

Toxic polyamory can be avoided by knowing your limits. “A good rule of thumb to remember is that while love is limitless, time and energy are not. It’s important to know what your limits are in terms of how much you can give to each of your partners,” Dolinova says. “It’s also very important to watch out for one person ‘doing polyamory’ while not telling their other partners about it. The word polyamory has often been used as a shield for what monogamous culture calls ‘cheating.’ Remember: If it isn’t open and honest, it isn’t polyamory.”

Can polyamorous people be in monogamous relationships?

Yes, according to Antonia Hall, transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. Human connections are complicated, and our needs and desires can change throughout our lifetime.

“Those people that are truly happy in both polyamorous and monogamous relations are called ‘ambiamorous.’ Ambiamory is not as discussed but might be worth consideration for more people,” she explains. “Polyamorous relationships require the same cultivation of friendship and intimacy as a monogamous relationship, and the desire to become monogamous can happen. But those who have spent years exploring and enjoying polyamory might find monogamy to be a poor fit over time.”

How to know if polyamory is right for you:

  1. You are willing to be completely honest with yourself and others about your desires and actions.
  2. You have a deep desire to spend time exploring different aspects of yourself with different people, each on their own terms.
  3. You think you can handle the practical aspects of dating more than one person and are willing to work those out with your partners.
  4. You often have feelings for many people at the same time.
  5. The thought of connecting multiple people on an intimate level at the same time sparks joy and doesn’t leave you feeling exhausted.
  6. You often daydream about being in a relationship with more than one person at a time.
  7. You feel confined by the idea of being with only one person.
  8. You feel capable of loving and committing to multiple people at the same time.
  9. You are OK with the idea of your partner having intimate relationships with other people.
  10. You feel like you could ultimately be your best self in a relationship with multiple people.
  11. You have done the research and spent time trying to fully understand the dynamics of polyamory.
  12. You feel like you could bring trust, respect, open communication, accountability, love, and honesty to multiple relationships at the same time.

How to know if polyamory is not right for you:

  1. You are choosing polyamory in the hopes of fixing a broken monogamous relationship.
  2. The thought of having to consider, spend time with, and commit to multiple people feels exhausting.
  3. Anything outside of monogamy feels “unnatural” to you.
  4. You haven’t spent time self-reflecting and understanding your triggers, insecurities, and past trauma relating to love and relationships.

Explaining polyamory to partners.

When it comes to sharing your polyamorous lifestyle with new potential partners, it’s important to bring it up early, Hall says. And since polyamory can take quite a few forms, you’ll need to let this person know what polyamory means to you. 

“Being upfront and honest from the beginning is respectful, can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and ensures no one is wasting their time and energy,” she explains. “Most people in the polyamorous community are adept at communicating their boundaries, limits, and expectations, and that should include a brief, thoughtful way to communicate with potential new partners.”

Explaining your desire for a polyamorous relationship to a current partner you’re in a monogamous relationship with can be a little more difficult. Asking this person to move away from the familiarity they know in order to make room for others can be tough, but it’s not an impossible task. The biggest rule here, according to Dolinova, is being honest without being brutal. She encourages you to find the words to express your wants, fears, and hopes without hurting your partner’s feelings in the process.

“One of the cardinal rules: Don’t try to open your relationship when things aren’t going well. It will definitely not fix it, and, in fact, will undoubtedly make things worse. The time to look at exploring polyamory when you’re in a monogamous relationship is when your relationship is healthy, strong, and exciting, and you both want to know what it would be like to have even more love in your lives,” she adds.

But what happens if your partner isn’t open to accepting your desire for a polyamorous relationship and they are hurt? 

“Anecdotally speaking, it’s really hard to come back from it when one partner expresses a desire to go outside a monogamous relationship and the other person is really hurt by it,” Dolinova tells mbg.

Though not impossible, she says the desire for polyamory doesn’t typically fade if it’s a sincere desire for a relationship style. That’s because the desire for polyamory isn’t necessarily about just wanting more lovers; it’s often about wanting the freedom to explore loving relationships with multiple people.

That said, sometimes people believe they want polyamory when what’s actually happening is that they’re dissatisfied with their current relationship and are looking to have their needs met elsewhere. In such cases, opening up this conversation may open dialogue about how to make satisfying changes within your monogamous union.

The bottom line.

Polyamory occurs between individuals who are in consensual romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time. At the end of the day, both polyamory (and other forms of ENM) and monogamy can birth beautiful, healthy, and enriching relationships for everyone involved. It all comes down to personal desires and preferences.

Open communication and honesty are absolute cornerstones for any healthy relationship, but even more so when it comes to the vulnerability and sharing that polyamory requires. You don’t want to be the person who ends up breaking multiple hearts because you decided to enter a new relationship with someone before communicating your desire for polyamory to your long-term monogamous partner.

Recommended reading:

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Consent Is About More Than Sex

Respecting personal boundaries is important in all interactions. The pandemic has made that clearer than ever.

By Kristine Guillaume

For many people over the past year and a half, every social event—hugging a relative, eating with a friend—has become a complex and sometimes-awkward dance. They’ve determined their safety needs and wants, then verbalized them to others. They’ve had to ask permission for more things, after considering other people’s comfort and boundaries. Whether people have realized it or not, everyday pandemic-era interactions have frequently turned into consent conversations.

At its most basic level, consent is at least two people agreeing about what they’re going to do together, Dorian Solot, who co-founded the sex-education organization Sex Discussed Here!, told me. We might most often associate consent with sex, and for good reason: Consent is crucial in all sexual interactions. (In some states, explicit “affirmative consent” is the legal standard for all public colleges and universities.) Still, Julia Feldman, who runs the sex-education consultancy Giving the Talk, told me that when consent is taught in sex education, it is sometimes presented as “a hoop to jump through.”

But consent factors into every aspect of our social lives. It is not a transaction. It’s an honest, deliberate, ongoing dialogue about how everyone can have their needs met—a key element of healthy sexual and nonsexual relationships. It is, essentially, good communication. People have long had these conversations, whether asking if they can use someone’s restroom or requesting that a guest take off their shoes indoors. Violations of consent are unfortunately common too: someone touching a person’s hair or pregnant stomach, say, without permission.

For those abiding by safety guidelines, the coronavirus pandemic has meant even more daily choices about what kind of consent they give and request. People have needed to disclose elements of their personal life, such as vaccination status, having immunocompromised family members, or recent exposures to the virus. They’ve had to ask others whether they’ve gone to clubs or weddings or have traveled recently. And some might have had to withhold agreement to a handshake or attending a birthday party. (The fact that COVID safety measures have become a politicized issue hasn’t made matters any easier.)

Calling these interactions consent conversations could feel unfamiliar. In part, this might be because many Americans are unfamiliar with the concept in any context. In the U.S., according to the Guttmacher Institute, just 39 states and the District of Columbia require sex education, and within those, only nine require lessons about the importance of consent. A Planned Parenthood study published in 2016 showed that among 2,012 adults, only 14 percent reported that they’d learned how to ask for consent, 16 percent had learned how to give consent, and 25 percent had learned how to say no to sex.

Even before the pandemic necessitated mask wearing or six-foot distances, Feldman, Solot, and other sex educators advocated for earlier education about consent in all relationships, beyond the realm of sex. “I think when people hear, like, ‘Oh, you do consent education with kindergartners,’ they assume I’m doing sex education and I’m talking about sex. And I’m not,” Monica Rivera, the director of the Women and Gender Advocacy Center at Colorado State University who also consults on consent education in K–12 schools, told me. “What I’m attempting to do is to get us as a culture to disentangle the topic of consent from sex, so that it becomes a part of the air we breathe.” She noted that adults might create situations that “unintentionally undermine” consent in interactions with children; a common example is when adults expect kids to give hugs to family members or friends.

Rivera said she has observed how the pandemic has brought consent conversations more intentionally into people’s day-to-day interactions. “The pandemic has forced us to talk about consent in a way that’s not about sex and is sometimes about our closest friends,” she said. But talking about consent with close friends can feel trickier. “The second we’re talking about the people in our immediate circles, that’s where we tend to have defensiveness about somebody wanting to set a boundary or social pressure,” Rivera said.

Solot told me that consent conversations have the potential to “drive a wedge” between friends and relatives who take differing levels of COVID precautions, or none at all. “We all make those risk decisions and, in day-to-day pre-pandemic life … we didn’t have to worry about it too much,” she told me. “Now we’re all forced to confront it all the time, which is both wonderful for relationships in terms of more communication but can also be really stressful.”

Asking about your friends’ vaccination status or requesting that they wear a mask in your house, however, can help lay the groundwork for a culture in which people feel more empowered to say what they’re comfortable with, Rivera told me. In a situation where consent is communicated, she explained, “when someone is having an interaction—whether it is having lunch on a patio or having sex with someone—that someone is doing it because they want to be doing it and they’re doing it in the context in which they feel safe.” Marshall Miller, who co-founded Sex Discussed Here! with Solot, told me that ultimately, when all parties agree on what they consent to—say, that they should be vaccinated before hanging out—they build reserves of trust for future interactions.

When the pandemic eventually subsides, experts predict that people who have exercised their “consent muscle”—as Solot calls it—will have a chance to rethink the norms of social behavior, such as “having the expectation be one of personal space and less physical touch unless it’s invited, which is a good thing overall,” Miller told me. Solot said she hopes the norm of defaulting to the boundaries of the most cautious person can be applied in contexts other than COVID safety. “If one person wants to use a condom, then use a condom,” Solot explained. “If one person feels uncomfortable with the situation, it doesn’t matter if you feel okay about it.”

Keeping in mind different levels of power and privilege is also crucial. Consent conversations among friends, for example, are very different from ones that might happen in the workplace. “Part of the skill of infusing consent into our everyday lives is being able to do a power analysis,” Rivera said. She gave the example of a boss and an upset employee. Instead of the supervisor saying “Can I hug you?” they might ask “Would you like a hug?” “It’s such a subtle shift in language, but it allows someone the ability to say no differently,” Rivera said.

In many cases, consent conversations will likely continue to be daunting, clumsy, and difficult. “It’s awkward in a COVID context. I think it will remain awkward in a sexual context,” Solot said. Perhaps, though, the pandemic has created an opportunity to push through that discomfort. An ever-present public-health threat has necessitated a daily process of empathizing with all the ways other people might feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe, and explicitly communicating about them. The pandemic has been a crash course in respecting people’s boundaries. But we should have been doing this all along.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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As menopause hit, my libido waned, my brain felt dull.

So I gave testosterone a try.

By Tara Ellison

As menopause hit, I found I wasn’t as interested in intimacy as I used to be. Sex started to feel like a box that needed to be checked a couple of times a week, and that was causing problems in my marriage.

But it wasn’t just sex. I felt was slowing down in many areas. After hot flashes in my 40s had sent me running to the gynecologist for help, I’d been using bioidentical creams to balance my declining hormones.

When, at 51, I confided to a friend that I’d had limited success with what my doctor prescribed, she said that she was thriving on something called hormonal “pellets.” I grilled her about them and then made an appointment with her practitioner, an internal medicine doctor.

He ordered extensive lab work, which showed that my testosterone levels were very low, which can happen with aging. The doctor said I had two options: do nothing, which he said would eventually likely lead to loss of muscle, decreased bone density and a host of other health complications. Or up my testosterone.

Testosterone therapy for women is a hotly debated subject. Studies suggest that testosterone can heighten libido in women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), at least in the short term. A recent statement by a group of international medical societies involved with women’s health endorsed the use of testosterone therapy in women for HSDD, and specifically excluded pellets and injectables as “not recommended.” It also cautioned there was not enough data to support the use of testosterone therapy for cognitive performance.

Women make between four to 10 times as much testosterone as estrogen, which the body can convert to estrogen. Despite its significance, no testosterone products designed for women are on the market and approved by the Food and Drug Administration. (Two non-testosterone, libido-focused drugs are available for premenopausal women.)

For men, the benefits of testosterone are well-documented — improved mood, sexual function and stronger bones — and more than 30 FDA-approved products are available, according to the agency. But long-term studies in women are lacking, including the effects on those who have a history of breast or uterine cancers and liver or cardiovascular disease. Although studies say testosterone is widely used in women, its use is considered off-label.

The pellets my doctor proposed are unregulated, and not recommended by the North American Menopause Society (NAMS) because of their high doses of testosterone and unpredictable absorption.

“There are a lot of misconceptions for the potential benefits of testosterone,” said Cynthia A. Stuenkel, clinical professor of medicine at the University of California at San Diego’s School of Medicine and past president of NAMS. “You’re going to lose fat mass. You’re going to gain muscle mass. You’re going to think more clearly. You’re going to reduce your risk of breast cancer. You’re going to improve your mood, and I think the global consensus pretty much dispels those proposed benefits.”

But I was desperate to feel better and at the time wasn’t deterred by some possible side effects, which included acne, facial hair growth and a lowered voice. And my friend was clearly convinced testosterone had helped her. The tiny dissolvable pellets, containing estrogen and testosterone, were inserted beneath the skin on my mid-buttock and would last between three to five months. If I developed any side effect, on the next re-up date we could adjust the dose or discontinue, my doctor said.

The insertion process took less than 10 minutes and about five days to kick in. I didn’t have to wait long to see improvement.

Within weeks, I was feeling good — my brain felt clearer — and my libido was in full swing again. It was hard to pass my husband in the kitchen without reaching over to touch him.

I can’t rule out a placebo effect of course, but having a jolt of testosterone seemed to make me more focused — I got things done. One morning in the magnifying mirror, however, I noticed a definite uptick in facial hair.< My husband liked the increased sexual activity and joked that he didn’t have to endure discussions about my feelings anymore since I had gotten more direct in my conversations with him. I also found I was more driven to work. Just generally, I felt more confident and it seemed like people responded to me differently because of that. And rather than being finely attuned to my spouse’s desires, I was pursuing my own. Was all this biochemical or, again, could it have been a placebo effect? “There are strong placebo effects for sexuality in research on aids for sexuality and research on testosterone,” she said. “Our culture has long painted women’s sexuality as a problem; when women have lower desire than men, the women’s desire is seen as too low or ‘hypoactive’ and, when their desire is higher than male partners, the women’s desire is seen as too high or ‘out of control.’ As a result, medical and other interventions for women’s sexuality, especially desire, are best viewed with a healthy skepticism: Are these interventions addressing a problem within the women or a problem created by gendered norms? Should the solution address women and their bodies or gendered prescriptions?” Women and the waxing and waning of sexual desire is a complex and tricky subject. But I was starting to wonder why there seemed to be fewer options available for women and less research about those options. Was the gender disparity slowing down progress for women’s sexual health? There seems to be an attitude of, “You’re past menopause, you’re not making babies anymore, what does it matter?” said Sharon J. Parish, a professor of medicine in clinical psychiatry and of clinical medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College. James Simon, clinical professor at George Washington University and a past-president of both the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health and NAMS, said “a lot more money” is available for research into men’s sexual health and “where there’s money, you have direct-to-consumer advertising. You have additional research and development. You have glitzy ads and promotions, et cetera., this is not a new subject for men or men’s sexual health.” Viagra, he said, which men can take for their sexual performance issues, just had its 23rd birthday. He added, “I think women’s sexual health has been largely neglected or put aside or denigrated or minimized because it took more time, was harder to measure, had less money and cachet involved, and it was easy for many in the medical community to do that, and women did not, and still to some degree, do not demand more, and that allows this to perpetuate.” Six months later, when I saw my gynecologist and said that I was using pellets, she looked alarmed and advised me to get off them as soon as possible. “They’re scary,” she told me and referred me to a recent article and study about worrisome side effects, among them mood swings, abnormal uterine bleeding and also greater likelihood of having to undergo hysterectomy when on the hormonal therapy.

Where you get into trouble is when women are given super high doses of testosterone.

“Keeping the total testosterone in the physiologic range, closer to where women were pre-menopause, without exceeding that level and giving excess testosterone, is the goal,” Parish said. “Pellets are extremely problematic; we don’t support those, because they result in what’s called super-physiologic ranges and can result in toxicity, and we don’t have safety data supporting that.”

Susan R. Davis, an endocrinologist and director of the Women’s Health Research Program in the School of Public Health and Preventive Medicine at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, said instead of pellets women seeking help “would be better off using a testosterone gel or equivalent that’s approved for men and using a micro dose or a fraction of the dose. . . .

“You can do a blood test to make sure [a woman] is not going over the female limit,” she added. “You can vary the dose, and you can cut back the dose if she starts getting side effects” — unlike pellets, which stop working only after they’ve slowly disintegrated. Once a pellet has been inserted, it’s very hard to get it out if an issue develops.

“I think testosterone is important for women,” Davis said, “but we’ve got to be very cautious how we administer it and we need products approved for women. That’s what we need. It’s a bit like Goldilocks: there’s too much, too little, and just right, and if you use too much it’s bad. Higher doses are actually worse for sexual function. Women start to feel agitated, irritable, negative mood, so too much is bad. So, there is a ‘just right’ dose.”

Stuenkel, past president of NAMS, added: “If you’re going to do it, I think the transdermal preparations [patches that stick on the skin] make sense [since they] are FDA approved” — although for men’s dosing. “And so that’s not great, but I think in many ways it’s safer.”

Yet, for many women, dissatisfied with gels and the like, pellets can seem worth the risk — at least for a trial run.

In my case, I had gone from having no interest in sex to wanting lots of sex. But it hadn’t been the salve that I had imagined.

My relationship with my husband was undergoing a systems update. While I was feeling much better and my behavior reflected that, there were some things about the old operating system that my husband missed. Our relationship had always been a bit “old school” — my world revolved around keeping my man happy. I could take his emotional temperature at a glance. I tried to match his hectic pace, even when I knew I needed rest, and I had always been willing to put his needs before my own. But that wasn’t sustainable over the course of a marriage.

I wondered what if my lack of sexual interest before pellets wasn’t just physiological but reflected the result of needing something different from my relationship to fuel and sustain our intimacy?

Low testosterone didn’t create the problems in my relationship but it made us more aware of them. We had long standing dynamics that needed to shift and change. We needed to have some difficult conversations to help us develop a deeper connection. A more satisfying emotional intimacy that could then naturally lead to increased sexual desire.

Testosterone may make you feel like having sex again but I discovered it’s not a magic bullet to solve everything.

It has been two years and given the long-term safety concerns about the pellets, I’ve decided to give them up when the current batch melts away — but I’m not giving up testosterone entirely. I’m considering using a patch or gel next.

The absorption might not be as effective, but at least I’d have more control over the dosage.

It may not fix everything, but finding the right balance between estrogen and testosterone — one that feels right in both my body and my marriage — seems worth it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Medical Myths: Sexual health

Sexual health is associated with a wide range of myths and misunderstandings. In this episode of Medical Myths, we will address nine common misconceptions. Among others, we cover double condoms, toilet seats, and the “pull-out” method.

by Tim Newman

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) have been on the rise in the United States. In April 2021, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)Trusted Source announced that, in 2019, STIs had reached an all-time high for the sixth consecutive year.

In 2019, the CDC received reports of over 2.5 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis.

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 1 millionTrusted Source STIs are acquired worldwide each day.

Despite rising rates, there is still significant stigma attached to STIs. For some, this might mean individuals are less willing to speak about sexual health concerns or raise questions with a doctor.

This unwillingness to speak openly about sexual health can breed misinformation.

Of course, the internet is a convenient first port of call when someone has a question they would like to ask anonymously. Sadly, not all information that appears on the web can be trusted.

Here, Medical News Today approached some common myths associated with sexual health and asked for input from an expert:

Dr. Sue Mann, a consultant in sexual and reproductive health and a medical expert in reproductive health at Public Health England.

Increasing understanding of sexual health helps people make informed, safe decisions. Although one article cannot brush away deeply ingrained falsehoods, the more trustworthy information that is available, the better.

1. When someone is taking ‘the pill,’ they cannot contract an STI

This is a myth. Oral contraception cannot protect against contracting an STI.

As Dr. Mann explained to MNT, “oral contraception […] only works to prevent pregnancy. The only way to protect yourself from getting an STI when using oral contraception is by wearing a condom.”

Mirroring this, the CDC statesTrusted Source: “Birth control methods like the pill, patch, ring, and intrauterine device (IUD) are very effective at preventing pregnancy, but they do not protect against [STIs] and HIV.”

2. The ‘withdrawal method’ prevents pregnancy

The so-called withdrawal method, also called coitus interruptus or the pull-out method, is when the penis is pulled out of the vagina before ejaculation. Although it may reduce the chance of pregnancy, “the withdrawal method is not a reliable way to prevent pregnancy,” said Dr. Mann.

When used accurately, it can reduce the risk of pregnancy, but accuracy can be difficult in the heat of the moment.

Additionally, the penis releases pre-ejaculate, or pre-cum, before ejaculation. In some cases, sperm can be present in this fluid.

In one studyTrusted Source, for instance, scientists examined samples of pre-ejaculate from 27 participants. The scientists identified viable sperm in 10 of the participant’s pre-ejaculate.

Each volunteer provided a maximum of five samples. Interestingly, the researchers found sperm in either all or none of their samples. In other words, some people tend to have sperm in their pre-ejaculate, while others do not. The authors concluded:

“[C]ondoms should continue to be used from the first moment of genital contact, although it may be that some men, less likely to leak spermatozoa in their pre-ejaculatory fluid, are able to practice coitus interruptus more successfully than others.”

3. The ‘withdrawal method’ prevents STIs

Using the withdrawal method, “you can still get an STI, such as HIV, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, or chlamydia,” explained Dr. Mann.

4. Using two condoms doubles the protection

It is understandable why people might assume two condoms would provide twice the protection, but this is a myth.

“It is actually more risky to use two or more condoms when having sex,” said Dr. Mann. “The likelihood of the condom breaking is higher due to the amount of friction the condom is enduring. A single condom is the best option.”

5. You can contract STIs from a toilet seat

This is perhaps one of the most persistent myths associated with STIs. Yet, despite being repeatedly debunked, it remains a myth. Dr. Mann told MNT:

“STIs are spread through unprotected vaginal, anal, or oral sex, and by genital contact and sharing sex toys.”

She also explained that the viruses that cause “STIs cannot survive for long outside the human body, so they generally die quickly on surfaces like toilet seats.”

Similarly, the bacteria responsible for STIs, such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, cannot survive outside the body’s mucous membranes for a significant amount of time. For that reason, they would not survive on a toilet seat.

6. There are no treatments for STIs

This is not true. However, although they can be treated, not all can be cured. The WHOTrusted Source explains that eight pathogens make up the vast majority of STIs.

Four of the eight are curable: the bacterial infections syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia, and the parasitic infection trichomoniasis.

The remaining four are viral: hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV). These cannot yet be cured. However, it is worth noting that HPV infections are often clearedTrusted Source by the body naturally.

“Penetrative sex isn’t the only way someone can contract an STI. Oral sex, genital contact, and sharing sex toys are other ways that STIs can be spread,” Dr. Mann told MNT.

Beyond sexual contact, it is also possible to contract an STI from exposure to blood that contains the infectious pathogen, including through sharing needles.

This is another longstanding and entirely incorrect assumption. According to Dr. Mann:

“Anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, age, or gender, can contract HIV. If you have HIV and don’t know it, you’re more likely to pass it on. But if you know your status, you can make sure you and your partner(s) are taking steps to stay healthy.”

Dr. Mann underscores the importance of testingTrusted Source, explaining that in many countries, “testing is free, easy, and confidential. You can even do a test in the comfort of your own home.”

“A lot of people pass on STIs to others without even knowing,” said Dr. Mann. “STIs can be spread with symptoms or without.”

Indeed, the WHO explainsTrusted Source that “[t]he majority of STIs have no symptoms or only mild symptoms that may not be recognized as an STI.”

“That is why,” Dr. Mann explained, “it is important to be tested regularly and to use a condom to prevent STIs as much as possible.”

To summarize, STIs are common but preventable. Regular testing and understanding how to keep yourself safe are key to remaining STI-free.

After completing a bachelor’s degree in neuroscience at the U.K.’s University of Manchester, Tim changed course entirely to work in sales, marketing, and analysis. Realizing that his heart truly lies with science and writing, he changed course once more and joined the Medical News Today team as a News Writer. Now Senior Editor for news, Tim leads a team of top notch writers and editors, who report on the latest medical research from peer reviewed journals; he also pens a few articles himself. When he gets the chance, he enjoys listening to the heaviest metal, watching the birds in his garden, thinking about dinosaurs, and wrestling with his children.

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How to Spot a Love Addict

Experts question whether we can describe a toxic relationship the way we talk about gambling or alcohol. But some have found that framework to be a helpful step in the road to freedom.

By Kaila Yu

Tara Blair Ball, a relationship coach in Memphis, met her ex on Match.com. They instantly clicked.

“He felt like my soulmate. It was the little things; we both talked about the differences in the old Spider-Man movie with Tobey Maguire and the comic book. A lot of people didn’t know about these details, and it just felt like this bonding experience.”

On their first phone call, they talked for eight hours — so long that Ms. Ball came late to work and was fired from her job at Target. “I took that as a sign that I was supposed to be connected to him,” she said, laughing.

When the red flags started to appear, Ms. Ball brushed them aside. “He started acting jealous and wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was talking to, how long I was going to be there and when I was going to be back.” Instead of seeing warning signs, Ms. Ball interpreted his actions as affection.

“We were quickly talking about marriage and moving in together. I felt like I couldn’t be away from him for very long — I’d be in withdrawal.”

If the situation seems to contain some of the track marks of an addiction, it’s because it does. And like many addicts, Ms. Ball took a long time to recognize and admit she was experiencing what some call “love addiction.”

The definition of love addiction is hard to pin down. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous calls it an extreme dependency on one person whereby “relationships or sexual activities have become increasingly destructive to career, family and sense of self-respect.” Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and a leading expert in romantic love, said it’s any relationship that leads to “obsessive craving and intrusive thinking,” meaning impulsive or unwanted thoughts.

One meta-analysis looked at 83 studies and estimated that about 3 percent of the population has had a serious problem with love addiction over a given year. That number may be higher than 10 percent among young adults.

Looking at TikTok, where Ms. Ball began to share her experiences with love addiction, you might think the number of love addicts is even higher. The hashtag #ToxicRelationship on TikTok clocks in at 1.7 billion views, plus another 320 million more for related terms such as “love addiction,” “love addict,” and “codependency.” Whether telling their tales or reacting to others, people are finding healing and community on the short-form video sharing app by posting the signs of love addiction, with memes and tips.

Wherever you decide to share about your experiences, it’s helpful to be able to recognize when a dream romance strays into love addiction.

Is Love Addiction Even Real?

“Anybody who says it’s not an addiction, all I can tell you is that we’ve looked in the brain,” said Dr. Fisher.

Using functional magnetic resonance imaging, Dr. Fisher and her colleagues have studied romantic love and found increased activity in a brain region called the nucleus accumbens, “that becomes active when anything becomes an addiction — alcohol or nicotine or cocaine or heroin or amphetamines or any one of those things,” Dr. Fisher said.

But some in the scientific community don’t even accept love addiction as a diagnosis. “Love addiction is a contested concept,” said Brian D. Earp, a Ph.D. candidate and the associate director of the Yale-Hastings Program in Ethics and Health Policy at Yale University who has studied love addiction. He noted that some of the disagreement comes down to the definition of love itself.

“Some feminist philosophers argue that if a relationship is toxic or abusive it shouldn’t even be labeled as love,” Mr. Earp said, adding that some prefer the label “addiction to toxic relationship behaviors.”

To make matters even more complicated, experts also can’t agree on the definition of addiction. Mr. Earp said some neuroscientists believe that something labeled an addiction must be bad for you. Therefore, “if you rely on an activity that might be classified as unhealthy but it’s totally compatible with living a flourishing life, some experts would say there’s no reason to call this an addiction,” he said.

Healthy Love Versus Addictive Love

Whether or not you believe love addiction is real, thinking of a toxic relationship as an addiction can be useful to someone dealing with the repercussions of an unhealthy partnership. “The bottom line is this: an unhealthy relationship tends to involve a search for a dopamine rush” and involves power and control, said Steven Sussman, a professor of preventive medicine, psychology and social work at the University of Southern California.

Those experiencing love addiction “have the behavioral pattern of addiction,” said Dr. Fisher. She explained that this may manifest in mood swings from despair to euphoria and a willingness to put up with abuse. Additionally their personalities may shift when they’re addicted, leading to lifestyle changes or a tendency to distort reality.

Houston-based literacy specialist, Synthia Smith, said she succumbed to those feelings with her now ex-boyfriend. “The prospect of living my life without him was unbearable — I would be emotionally dead,” she remembered.

So great was this fear that she stayed in the relationship for two and a half years, despite a fast-growing litany of warning signs, such as the time she discovered his profile on the dating website Plenty of Fish. After confronting him, he claimed that he was there to network for his business and shamed her for bringing it up before exploding in rage.

Working Through a Toxic Relationship

Becoming involved with someone who compromises your mental health can be a scary and isolating experience. Whether you believe yourself to be a love addict, or just need help getting out of a bad situation, there are resources to consult and healthy actions you can take.

Find community

Katlynn Rowland, who owns a housecleaning business in Ocala, Florida, was involved with an emotionally abusive man when she first came across Ms. Smith’s TikToks about gaslighting. “It almost felt good when I first watched the videos because it felt like I was being validated,” Ms. Rowland said, “and that I wasn’t crazy.”

Ms. Smith’s videos gave Ms. Rowland the courage to leave her ex-boyfriend — and to post about it on TikTok. “I was scared to post at first because I knew he would go insane,” Ms. Rowland said. “But since Synthia said that she didn’t care what her ex thought anymore, I was able to let go of that fear.”

Mr. Earp said this is a common experience. “It can be comforting for people to make public sense of their experience, rather than just having it be a private phenomenon.”

Educate yourself

“It’s important to educate yourself about how love addiction works for you, to understand the layers and nuances of how it plays out in your life,” said Kerry Cohen, a therapist and the author of “Crazy for You: Breaking the Spell of Sex and Love Addiction.” This may include finding a support group, like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Love Addicts Anonymous, and speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist specializing in love addiction. It’s important to see a licensed professional and not to self-diagnose.

Practice healthy texting

Texting can be a potential minefield for love addicts, as there is often room for miscommunication, leading to anxiety and fear. Ms. Cohen said love addicts should refrain from talking about feelings via text with their partner, particularly negative emotions. “This will be good practice for you to regulate your feelings until you can talk in person,” she wrote, “and it may give you the pause you need to get a handle on how to respond without reacting.”

Many love addicts keep parts of themselves and their lives secret from their partner to provide what Ms. Cohen called an “artificial sense of autonomy” and a means to avoid conflict. Although having privacy is appropriate in a relationship, keeping secrets is not. Love addicts often “lie about their pasts, and try to be someone they think their lover wants them to be,” Ms. Cohen wrote in “Crazy for You.” She advised partners to share honestly with each other, especially about their struggles with sex or love addiction.

Consider no contact

After you have built a support team, you can decide if, when and how you should end a toxic relationship. With your therapist, consider what the “Cambridge Handbook of Substance and Behavioral Addictions” calls “a strict no-contact policy, avoiding any form of communication with the ex-partner that may trigger renewed feelings of craving and retard the healing process.”

Twelve-step programs often advise addicts to remove all reminders of the addiction, including all social media contact, photos, songs or memorabilia. “Somebody is camping in your head, you’ve got to get them out,” said Dr. Fisher.

Try a dating plan

It may be helpful to develop a dating plan with your sponsor or therapist, which can be a useful guide to finding a new, healthy relationship. Start by identifying one action that has brought about negative consequences in your past. Some love addicts may have sex too quickly with a partner and get too attached. In that case, it might be helpful to establish a rule to only have sex after entering a committed relationship.

“Nobody gets out of love alive,” said Dr. Fisher. “People live for love, pine for love, kill for love and they’ll die for a loved one. It’s one of the most powerful brain systems we’ve evolved.””

Whether you harness this energy for a positive or negative romantic experience is up to you.

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Simple ways to look after your sexual health

Barrier protection is the only contraceptive that also reduces the risk of STI transmission.

By

There are not many things more important than our health.

Living through a pandemic has taught us that much. Our experiences over the last two years have given all of us a new appreciation for being healthy and looking after our wellbeing.

However, one area is still frequently neglected and rarely talked about – sexual health. The reason for this is, largely, due to stigma.

Talking about sexual health is still a taboo, and there is still work to be done to normalise the conversation about testing, symptoms, and encouraging partners to discuss these things with each other.

Bianca Dunne is co-founder of sexual wellness brand, iPlaySafe App. She has shared her key tips to help you look after your sexual health – and encourage openness around this awkward topic.

Prevent infection

‘Your sexual health has an enormous impact on your mental and physical health,’ says Bianca.

‘All three need to be aligned to make you feel good and keep you productive. Keeping you healthy relies on prevention, testing, and treatment.’

Prevention means making sure you are vaccinated against viral illnesses such as hepatitis B and strains of Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) that are linked to cervical cancer in women.

‘You should discuss both with your GP if you are in doubt as to whether you have had or are eligible for these,’ says Bianca.

‘It also means stratifying your risk and mitigating risk where you can: condoms and dental dams are an effective way of doing this, as barrier protection is the only contraceptive that also reduces the risk of STI transmission (apart from abstinence, which we do not recommend!).’

Get tested regularly

Bianca says testing and contact tracing are of paramount importance in the fight against STIs – language that we have become all too familiar with over the course of the pandemic.

‘You should be regularly tested if you are having sex with different partners, ideally at a suitable interval after each interaction,’ she says.

‘Asking a partner when they were last tested is something many people don’t like doing, because society has made us feel ashamed when it comes to sexual health.

‘While more needs to be done to help combat and normalise this, by providing people with the tools, like with our “play badge”, this makes it a lot more fun and easier.’

But Bianca adds that you should be aware that some infections – such as HIV – won’t show up on tests until up to three months following exposure, and so regular testing is key.

‘Depending on the sexual history of your partners, different infections should be tested for,’ she adds. ‘Sexual health testing kits are available and will test routinely for the big six: HIV, Hep B, Hep C, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis, but it’s important to be mindful of other infections – such as genital herpes and genital warts – which are diagnosed clinically, so you should consult your GP or your local GUM clinic, for treatment and management of these conditions.’

Source the right treatment

The good news is that treatment for sexual health is getting better and better.

‘Infections such as chlamydia can lead to devastating consequences such as infertility for women but are readily treated with antibiotics,’ says Bianca.

‘Due to advances in anti-retrovirals HIV infected individuals with an undetectable viral load are now considered to carry zero risk of transmitting the virus.

‘With continued awareness and important education around sexual health, we’re hoping the conversation around STIs and testing is normalised.

‘These conversations don’t have to be awkward, but instead can be a positive and healthy start a new sexual relationship. Regular testing and being up front about your sexual health, and the need to know your partners will help reduce unwanted transmissions to keep you healthy in bed, and ultimately encourage us all to live healthier lives.’

Do your research

‘Thankfully, a lot has been done in the space of sexual wellness in recent years,’ says Bianca, adding that this conversation has been accelerated by the pandemic.

‘There are many brands that share similar missions to help normalise the topic,’ she says. ‘Brands, like HANX, Smile Makers, Mojo are providing products and solutions to help all sexes, and experts like Dr Kate Moyle and sexual education author Ruby Rare, also helping provide answers to questions people may have due to not having a proper education previously.

‘Arming yourselves with the tools to help you look after, and enjoy your sexual wellbeing, will be so important.’

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How to Talk to Your Partner About What You Want in Bed

— Because Communication Is Sexy

by Olivia Luppino

If you want to have great sex, you’re going to have to speak up. Every person and every sexual relationship is different, so it’s important to be open with your partner about what works best for you. With all the historical stigma surrounding sex, prevailing slut-shaming, and a severe lack of practical education in high school sex-ed, the idea of talking to your partner about sex might feel a bit overwhelming. The good news is, the more you talk about sex with your partner, the easier it will become — and the better the sex will be. Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader, so being vocal about what feels good is the surest way to improve things in the bedroom. Here’s exactly what you need to know to start conversations about what you want in bed, according to sex experts.

Be Vocal About What You Want

It’s safe to say you probably weren’t taught how to talk about sex, but it’s never too late to learn. If you’ve been avoiding talking about what you want in bed, know that it’s probably your best chance at having more satisfying sex.

“Our partners are not mind readers, as much as we’d like them to be,” said Emily Morse, host of the longest-running sex and relationship podcast, Sex With Emily. “[They] have no way of knowing what we want in bed until we let them know, until we guide them and tell them what we want,” she told POPSUGAR.

By avoiding the conversation, we’re failing to help our partners understand, and we’re failing to advocate for our own pleasure. “Speaking from someone who had plenty of hookups without ever using my words, I thought, ‘Well, it’s one night and I don’t want to seem needy,’ or, ‘I don’t want to seem like I’m too much, so I’m just going to go along with it and feign pleasure, or just be more performative rather than communicative,'” Morse said. “I think a lot of women choose to be performative rather than communicative.”

Though keeping quiet or faking pleasure might seem easier, it’s stopping you from having better sex. The only way to get what you want from your partners, short of some lucky guessing on their behalf, is to talk to them about what you like.

Leave Shame and Guilt at the Door

Growing up, we receive all kinds of cultural messages about sex, often discouraging us from talking about it. Especially if you are a woman, queer, or a person of color, talking about sex and celebrating your sexuality can be looked at as shameful or even dangerous. But the truth is, it is OK to talk about sex, especially to the person you’re having it with. Though your upbringing might make it difficult to talk to your partner about what you want in bed, you can work through these hangups over time.

“There’s so much guilt and shame wrapped up in the silence and in what we don’t say, and that can be debilitating for a lifetime,” Morse said. “The sooner you get comfortable having these conversations [about what you like in bed], it’ll impact your sex life and will impact your quality of life overall, because it’s not just the conversations in the bedroom, it’s conversations everywhere we avoid having.”

In fact, Morse explained that talking about what we like in bed is important “because our sexual health is an important part of our overall health and wellness.” She went on to say that “once we decide that this is something that is a crucial part of our development, then we realize that it’s not just some frivolous ask or [something that] makes us superficial or makes us greedy, and we just realize that it’s actually part of our mental health and well-being.” By prioritizing your sexual well-being and learning to communicate what you do and don’t like, you’ll get better at advocating for yourself both in and outside the bedroom.

Figure Out What You Enjoy

If you’re avoiding talking about sex with your partner because you haven’t had the chance to really discover what you like yet, take the opportunity to get to know yourself better. The solution to this is in your hands — literally.

“I think the reason why we don’t ask for what we want and we don’t talk about it is because we don’t know what we want,” Morse said. “And so that’s why it’s important to really figure out what we want on our own through masturbation and exploration and to really figure out your erogenous zones and what feels good.”

Activist and sex educator Ericka Hart, M.Ed., suggests using a yes/no/maybe list if you’re looking for ways to start exploring yourself sexually. “It gives you copious amounts of examples of different actions — you don’t have to come up with them on your own, nor do you have to be an expert on all things sex-related,” Hart told POPSUGAR.

There are plenty of resources available online that provide the sex education you didn’t receive in school. “Find other resources and tools that sexuality educators, sex therapists, and others in the sexuality field create and make available to support people in feeling affirmed in having conversations about what you want sexually,” Hart said. “There are classes, online webinars, worksheets, local events, you name it, all to fill significant gaps in our often pleasure-averse societal and educational institutions. For example, Afrosexology is a great resource started by two Black femme sexuality educators.”

Practice, Practice, Practice

Especially if you’re anxious to talk to your partner, practice will help. “I think you could practice, you could write it out, you could say it in the shower, practice looking in the mirror,” Morse said. “It helps me before I have any big call or any big meeting. I take 10 really deep breaths. You can hold it for five seconds, exhale for five seconds. I mean, that completely changes your nervous system and helps so much with anxiety.”

Think through what you want to say, and picture how you want the conversation to go. “What’s your goal in this conversation? What do you hope the outcome looks like?” Morse asked. “It’s like visualization, like athletes in the Olympics thinking about their meet ahead of time. So you just visualize it going well, you say, ‘I’m doing this for my sexual health and wellness, I’m doing this to be a better lover to myself and others.'”

Change Your Outlook on 1-Night Stands

Whether it’s a one-night stand or long-term relationship, it’s worth giving your partner guidance so you can fully participate in the pleasure of the experience. Even if you don’t have a long-standing sexual relationship with someone, you can still work on communicating what you like to your partners.

Morse recommends completely rethinking how you look at a one-time sexual encounter. “I think that if you are having a one-night stand, I’d love to reframe this and have it be like, ‘Oh, I don’t know if I’ll see [them] again. I might as well practice,’ because it is a practice of asking for what you want,” Morse said. Instead of thinking that you shouldn’t be overly open since you won’t be seeing them again, flip that narrative on its head and use the fact that you won’t see them again as a way to completely take off the pressure and practice being more vocal than you might be otherwise.

Pick the Right Partner

It takes two to tango, and it also takes two (or more) to talk. A major component of a good conversation is the person you’re having it with. “Far too often, folks might not feel comfortable enough to share without fear of retribution, a negative response on the other end, or others’ judgments or assumptions about what they themselves are willing to do or not do sexually,” Hart said. “One of the most important aspects in any sexual relationship is that you are able to openly share what feels good for you.”

Consider what your dynamic is like with your partner. “Make sure trust is established and that there are clear understandings of consent,” Hart told POPSUGAR. “I would also suggest not having conversations about sexual desires in an aroused state.” Instead, initiate these conversations in a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere outside the bedroom.

Remember that even if you brought up the subject, it’s just as important to listen as it is to speak. “Be present, listen, don’t add your stuff, your judgments,” Hart said. “Share what you’re willing to do or not from their desires.” Additionally, Hart emphasized that “these conversations should not contain pressure, coercion, or manipulation of any sort.”

Remember that a good partner is going to be excited to meet you where you are. “I can’t emphasize enough that the lovers that you want to be with are going to be hopefully heavily invested in and enthusiastic about being there for you,” Morse said.

Talking to your partner about what you want in bed is a great way to improve your sex life, show up for yourself, and show up for your partner. Even if you don’t have a lot of experience doing it, you’ll get better in time, and ultimately so will your sex life. And remember, Hart reminded, “Have fun, and be open to [your] desires changing over time. Nothing is set in stone. Have this conversation often.”

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Talking to Your Partner When You Struggle with Hypogonadism

Communication is key for taking on this difficult condition

By Mark Gurarie

Generally unrecognized and often undiagnosed, hypogonadism can significantly impact relationships. Characterized by low levels of sex hormones, especially testosterone, it can arise due to physical injury, congenital defects, cancer or cancer treatmenst, benign tumors, or as a result of other conditions, such as older age, obesity, and metabolic syndrome (a group of conditions that can lead to heart disease, diabetes, and stroke), among others.1

What makes this condition particularly challenging for relationships is the way that hypogonadism impacts intimacy. Among its most prominent symptoms is low libido (sex drive), as well as mood and emotional changes. Men can also experience erectile dysfunction (ED).1 This can lead to severe relationship problems, making it essential that you and your partner are proactive and ready to support each other.

These may not be easy conversations to have, but they’re critical. If you or your partner suffers from hypogonadism, establishing a supportive dialogue is where the road to coping and living well with the condition starts.

The Impact of Hypogonadism

Given the nature of hypogonadism—and the wide range of causes and associated conditions—talking about it means understanding the impact it can have on you or your loved one. In many cases it’s a chronic condition, and ongoing therapy—often taking hormone replacement therapy—is necessary, making management a constant and evolving challenge.

How does hypogonadism affect relationships? Here’s a quick breakdown:2

  • Mental health: Studies have found a distinct association between hypogonadism and depression in both men and women of all ages. Rates of anxiety and bipolar disorder are also higher among this population, which can affect relationship quality, sexual satisfaction, and overall quality of life.
  • Sexual satisfaction: Given its effects on sexual function and libido, this condition significantly impacts assessments of sexual satisfaction. According to a 2021 study, up to 26% of males and 20%–50% of females with hypogonadism were sexually inactive. Problems with sex are often at the root of relationship issues and they can affect other aspects of mental health, as well.  
  • Erectile dysfunction (ED): Males with hypogonadism experience a much higher rate of ED, an inability to obtain or maintain an erection. A study of hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, a chronic congenital form of the condition, found that up to 53.2% of males reported this issue. This can further affect relationship health and is associated with higher levels of depression and anxiety and lower quality of life.

Managing and living with hypogonadism is a multifaceted affair. It means recognizing symptoms, it means getting medical help and keeping up with medications and appointments, and it means tending to mental health and relationships. Communication is crucial in all of these areas. Though it isn’t easy, you and your partner will have to have open discussions about this condition and what it’s like to live with it.

Loss of sexual desire is a hallmark of hypogonadism, as is erectile dysfunction, and it can be a chief source of relationship problems. Though it may not be easy to talk about your sex life, it is very important to do so. For both partners, imbalances in sexual desire are associated with less satisfaction in the relationship and higher levels of tension and frustration.3

What are some approaches to broaching this subject? What are strategies you can use to boost communication? Here are some tips:

  • Educate yourself: Whether you’re the one with hypogonadism or your partner is, it’s important to learn as much as you can about the condition. Your doctor or healthcare provider can direct you to educational resources, and there are many available online.4
  • Kitchen-table conversation: It’s a good idea to broach the topic of sex in a neutral setting. Bringing up sexual problems or dissatisfaction while in bed can cause negative associations with intimacy.5
  • Direct communication: In order to promote effective dialogue, use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements when having the discussion. Explaining how you feel—rather than what your partner is or is not doing—and what your aims are is a good starting point.4
  • Be open: For both partners, managing low libido means being open-minded, both to each other’s needs and to ways of restoring intimacy. It’s also worth discussing other health factors that may be affecting your relationship and whether to consider therapy or other ways to work on the relationship.5

While talking about how you’re being affected by hypogonadism and airing your feelings may seem intimidating, it’s necessary work. When it comes to issues of intimacy and sex, being open is the best policy. What you don’t want to do is hide your condition from your spouse or partner, as this can only make matters worse.

Ultimately, hypogonadism can be medically managed, and most who get treatment are able to live well with it. Good communication with your partner will prove essential as you take it on, and it can lay the groundwork for an even stronger relationship. The most important thing is to not stay silent.

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Yes, You Can Contract an STD Without Having Penetrative Sex

by Gabrielle Kassel

Anilingus. Cunnilingus. Mutual masturbation. Many nonpenetrative sex acts are *veryyy* much worth exploring from a pleasure perspective.

But many sex-havers engage in these sex acts under the assumption that sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can only be transmitted through penetration.

This myth results in many explorers thinking they’re being Safe™, when in fact they’ve put themselves in a position where STI transmission is, indeed, possible.

Confused? Concerned? Don’t be.

Below, experts explain exactly how an STI can be transmitted when a hole isn’t being penetrated. Plus, exactly what you need to know about STI testing.

STDs vs. STIs

Both acronyms refer to conditions that are primarily transmitted through sexual activity. STI stands for sexually transmitted infection, while STD stands for sexually transmitted disease.

Technically, a condition only qualifies as a disease if you have advanced symptoms, while the term infection applies if you don’t have any symptoms at all.

In everyday conversation and medical resources, the two terms are used interchangeably.

Sexually transmitted infectious particles don’t “hide” in the way back of your holes (e.g., mouth, anus, vagina).

Instead, these infectious particles can live on any internal or external skin or in bodily fluids, explains Dr. Felice Gersh, author of “PCOS SOS: A Gynecologist’s Lifeline To Naturally Restore Your Rhythms, Hormones, and Happiness.”

For this reason, “certain STIs can be spread anytime there’s skin-to-skin contact or when body fluids are spread,” she says.

Important: Not every STI can be passed on through contact with every single section of skin or every single bodily fluid.

What segments of skin or which bodily fluids can transmit the STI depends on the particular STI. It also depends on where the STI is located, or if it’s considered a full-body STI.

To be very clear, STIs aren’t weeds: They don’t simply sprout up out of nowhere.

For an STI to be transmitted, someone must be doing the transmitting. And for someone to do the transmitting, they must be STI-positive.

(And the only way to know if you’re STI-positive is to get tested, but more on that below).

According to Gersh, depending on what the STI is and where it’s located, an STI could be transmitted during any sexual activity that involves the following:

  • the mouth, lips, throat, or saliva
  • blood or breast milk
  • vaginal fluid, pre-ejaculation (pre-cum), semen, or anal secretions
  • the internal anal canal, anal entrance, or perineum
  • the vaginal canal, vulva, penis, or testicles

That means that, in theory, an STI can be transmitted during any of the following sex acts:

Anything that involves the ingestion of, exposure to, or swapping of bodily fluids could result in the transmission of infection.

For example:

  • platonic mouth kissing
  • getting a tattoo or piercing
  • sharing sex toys that haven’t been cleaned
  • getting a blood transfusion
  • sharing needles
  • breastfeeding or chestfeeding
  • giving birth
  • self-inoculation

However, most of the fearmongering around nonsexual STI transmissions — for instance, that you can get an STI from a toilet seat, hot tub, or public pool — is *not* based in science under most conditions.

STIs generally cannot exist outside the homeyness of the body’s mucosal membranes for very long. And all the chemicals in pools and hot tubs kill off any infectious agents.

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Before we answer this question, let’s talk about the word ‘dormant’ real quick. Most doctors don’t use it anymore, according to Gersh.

“The concept of a dormant STI isn’t helpful,” she says. “It’s predicated on the idea that you can have an STI that just isn’t doing anything in your body.”

The words doctors like to use instead are “asymptomatic” or “latent.”

An asymptomatic STI occurs when someone isn’t currently experiencing symptoms that they can feel, see, or smell. According to the World Health OrganizationTrusted Source, the majority of STIs are asymptomatic.

“It’s possible to have an STI, not be experiencing symptoms, and still transmit it to someone else,” Gersh explains.

“It’s also possible to have an STI, not be experiencing symptoms that you can feel or see, and still have it be doing something to your body,” she says.

For example, someone can have human papillomavirus (HPV), not be experiencing any symptoms, but still have the cellular makeup of their cervix altered by the virus.

You can also have an STI, not be experiencing symptoms now, but begin experiencing symptoms later.

An STI cannot be detected by an STI test immediately after exposure.

The STI can’t be detected because it hasn’t been in the body long enough for the body to develop antibodies in response to it, which is what most STI tests are looking for.

The incubation period is the amount of time between when someone contracts an STI and when they test positive for that STI on a test.

If you get tested for an STI during its incubation period the test will come back negative. “The incubation period is different for every single STI,” Gersh says. “It ranges from anywhere between 2 days and 3 months.”

This means that, if you have unprotected sex with someone, the move actually isn’t to get tested the next day, she says.

“That test will tell you if you were exposed to any STIs prior to having sex with that person,” Gersh explains. “But the test will not tell you if that person exposed you to any STIs.”

If you had unprotected sex, Gersh recommends getting tested after 2 weeks and then again 2 weeks later.

Some may use the phrase “unprotected sex” to refer to bareback penis-in-vagina intercourse. But here, we’re using it to refer to any sex that took place without a barrier method.

That includes any sex that happened with a broken condom, expired condom, or other condom mishaps.

If you’ve never been screened before and want to, congratulations on deciding to take your sexual health into your own hands. Seriously, the importance of this step can’t be overstated!

Start by finding a testing center near you by checking out this STI testing center guide. Before you head to the testing spot, make sure they test for all the STIs you’re interested in getting tested for. Some clinics only test for HIV, for example.

When you get there, be sure to ask explicitly for all the STIs you want to get tested for, especially if you want to be tested for oral or anal STIs.

Most testing centers only test for genital gonorrhea, genital chlamydia, HIV, and syphilis unless asked otherwise, Gersh notes.

It *is* possible to contract or transmit an STI without having penetrative sex. The best way to protect yourself and your partner(s) from transmission is for everyone to know their current STI status.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Marijuana Ease Your Hot Flashes?

Advice from a Menopause Expert

If you’re considering trying pot to escape hot flash hell, here’s guidance on the best way to do that, and the science of why it might help.

By Lauren Streicher, MD

If you’ve heard a friend mention that she’s easing hot flashes and other annoying side effects of menopause with marijuana, she’s not alone: In a 2020 study, 27% of menopausal women reported that they used some form of cannabis—the scientific name of the marijuana plant—to alleviate hot flashes, insomnia, vaginal dryness, mood swings, and brain fog. That’s more than 1 in 4 women—compare that to the mere 7% of women who take systemic estrogen to alleviate symptoms. Women are smoking pot, drinking cannabis-laced beverages, and infusing marijuana in oil and putting it not only on their avocado toast but also on their vulva and in their vagina.

Join Dr. Streicher and other experts for a conversation about menopause on October 18. Sign up for free today!

Turning to cannabis to ease menopausal symptoms isn’t new either: According to historian Ethan Russ, cannabis was used as far back as the 7th century for myriad women’s ailments. It even pops up as a treatment of meno­pause in the 1899 edition of the Merck Manual, a popu­lar medical textbook. At the turn of that century, all the major pharmaceutical companies—Eli Lilly, Parke-Davis (now Pfizer), and Squibb—sold cannabis as a powder, tablet, and tincture.

So what’s the story—can smoking a joint or imbibing cannabis in some other way really cool the heat and soothe other menopause symptoms? (Before you jump in, remember: Marijuana isn’t legal everywhere. Check out this map to find out the status of legalization in your state.)

Are there studies on marijuana and hot flashes?

Though there are some wildly enthusiastic anecdotal reports about the effectiveness of pot to ease hot flashes, there have been inadequate scientific studies—meaning studies done on large groups of women over an extended period of time, with a control group using fake pot as a comparison. In other words, when it comes to cannabinoids (the compounds found in cannabis), there aren’t the kinds of studies that are required for pharmaceutical agents to become FDA-approved. In addition, most studies on the effect of cannabinoids include only men—and women are not little men.

Aside from being expensive, studies on the impact of cannabis on menopause symptoms would be difficult to conduct. The pharmacology is complex: There are well over 100 cannabinoids, and all have different physical and psychological effects. The dosage and type of cannabis are difficult to standardize and are also dramatically altered by variables, such as the other medications someone might be taking.

Don’t get me wrong: I think the use of cannabinoids to relieve menopause symptoms is very promising, and based on the known properties of cannabinoids, there is good reason that they would be beneficial in alleviating many symptoms of menopause. It just would be nice to have more research as to what kind of cannabis and what dosage works best, so that I and other physicians can make informed recommendations to our patients. But having said that, here is what is known based on the science of cannabinoids as well as observational, anecdotal data.

The impact of cannabis on our bodies

First, an interesting fact: The human body makes its own cannabi­noids. The human endocannabinoid system is a complex, nerve-signaling system composed of neurotransmitters that bind to cannabinoid receptors. It’s responsible for regulating multiple body functions, including appetite, metabolism, pain, mood, learning, memory, sleep, stress, bone health, and cardiovascular health—pretty much ev­erything that keeps humans functional and balanced.

And it turns out that hormones, specifically estrogen, play a critical role in the endocannabinoid system, and some experts propose that the disruption in that system when estrogen is low is responsible for menopause symptoms—and they say it’s also why using cannabis can decrease hot flashes.

The marijuana plant and hot flashes

There are two cannabinoids extracted from the flow­er of the marijuana plant that have potential roles in managing menopause symp­toms: tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and cannabidiol (CBD). And, no surprise, only the female flower contains these elements.

THC is the psychoactive component of cannabis (that’s the component that brings on the high). It mimics some aspects of the natural endocannabinoid in our bodies that helps regulate body temperature, which is theoretically why THC is the key to reducing hot flashes.

CBD is extracted from hemp flowers. It contains trace amounts of THC but doesn’t have psy­choactive properties, so it will not get you high. Although it may not reduce hot flashes specifically, it does decrease pain and inflam­mation, in addition to helping you get a good night’s sleep. (The anti-inflammatory properties of both cannabinoids also may help with bone loss and cardiovascular disease.)

So, does pot relieve hot flashes?

Since this hasn’t been scientifically studied, what I’m going to say is based on the known pharmacolo­gy of cannabinoids and anecdotal information from folks in this world. But yes, it does appear that cannabis can be effec­tive in decreasing the frequency and severity of hot flashes.

Again, the THC in cannabis mimics the endocannabinoid that helps regulate body temperature. This effect when using cannabis is dose dependent. Large amounts of THC cause your internal temperature to drop, while small amounts can cause your internal temperature to rise. In other words, THC can regulate your internal thermostat, but it is important to use the right amount.

How to use cannabis for hot flashes

Eat it? Smoke it? Rub it on? How you take cannabis is important—not only in terms of what it will do for you, but also when it comes to onset of action (meaning, how quickly it hits you) and potential side effects. The onset of action, peak levels, and total duration of ef­fect listed here are very approximate, but I’ve included them to give you an idea.

Smoking or vaping

Inhaling cannabis has the advantage of an immediate effect, but the disadvantage is potentially harming your re­spiratory tract. It’s also not an activity you can do discreetly.

Onset of action: Within minutes
Peak levels: About 15 to 30 minutes
Total duration: About two or more hours

Edibles

Edibles include foods infused with cannabis, such as gummies, chocolate, ice cream, smoothies, and cookies—the possibilities are endless. The effect is delayed, which sometimes leads to overdos­ing (more on that at the end). Edibles are not psychoactive unless they contain more than trace amounts of THC.

Onset of action: 30 to 90 minutes
Peak levels: Two to six hours
Total duration: At least four to eight hours

Sublinguals

Sublinguals are tinctures, sprays, or strips placed under the tongue that are quickly absorbed into the bloodstream through a plexus of blood vessels, rather than making the trip through the digestive system like edibles do. The advantage is a relatively quick onset of action, along with bypassing the gut and the lungs. Also, it appears that THC is absorbed better as a sublingual than as an edible.

Onset of action: Within minutes
Peak levels: About 10 minutes
Total duration: Hours or even days (highly variable)

What’s the right dose for cannabis?

I’ll give you some general dosing guidelines, but they are not based on scientific studies. I’m just telling you what’s being said by the experts I’ve talked to. The dosage is a free-for-all, and even the phar­macists who work in the industry and appear very knowl­edgeable are basing their recommendations on anecdotal reports and individual experience as opposed to scientific studies. Remember, most of the folks who work in dispen­saries are not medical practitioners, and they may not be aware of a potential drug interaction or other medical variables. Also, it’s a known fact that young women metabolize cannabis more slowly than men, and women who are post-menopause metabolize it more slowly than those who are pre-menopause. This makes sense, given that cannabis metabolism is fa­cilitated by estrogen, and women who are post-menopause don’t have any.

There is no one-size-fits-all dosing, and because cannabis is a botanical, you cannot count on the same level of con­sistency as you would with a commercial pharmaceutical. Keeping a journal is a good idea until you figure out what works best for you. Small, spaced-out doses (micro-dosing) is smart.

Here are guidelines for hot flash relief sup­plied by Luba Andrus, a registered pharmacist and cannabis pharma­cologist with whom I consulted; she routinely works with menopausal women.

Guidelines for THC

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • Start at 1.25 mg once or twice daily
  • Titrate up (increase the dose) every five to seven days
  • 2 mg to 4 mg works for most women

Guidelines for CBD

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • Use an indica-dominant product (a dispensary can guide you)
  • Start at 2.5 mg twice daily
  • Titrate up (increase the dose) every four to seven days
  • Continue until 20 mg is reached
  • Keep in mind that it can take upwards of 30 days to feel the full effect, so be patient.

Guidelines for THC/CBD-combined products

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • CBD/THC ratio should be 20:1 or higher (22% to 26% THC and 0.76% CBD is a common combo)
  • Products with a high THC:CBD ratio are best taken in the evening or at bedtime.

Heed these warnings

Cannabinoids have the potential to interact with cer­tain medicines, such as blood thinners and antiseizure drugs. In some cases, they can potentially make other medications less effective. Talk to your doctor!

Cannabis is generally felt to be safe, but the side effects may include brain fog, dry mouth, unsteady gait, diar­rhea, and drowsiness. A glass of water at the bedside is a good idea since you may wake up thirsty in the middle of the night. Some other important advice:

• Don’t drive while under the influence!

• Cannabis users need up to twice the sedation for med­ical procedures. If you partake, be sure to tell the an­esthesiologist.

• The effects of cannabinoids are dose related. Low to moderate doses appear to have positive effects on sex­ual function and responsiveness (loss of inhibition, in­creased sensitivity). High doses can be a problem and are associated with an increase in paranoia and anxiety. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

• Again, menopausal women are more vulnerable than men to an overdose. So especially when it comes to edibles, start at a low dose and make sure you wait 90 minutes before taking any more, because it can take that long for it to kick in. And keep in mind that many edibles are sold in individual servings of 10 mg of THC, which is way more than most menopausal women should be ingesting.

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How to Have an Oral Sex Orgasm

By Dr. Nan Wise

The one question I’m asked pretty much every day as a sex therapist and relationship expert turned neuroscientist is how to keep desire alive. Good news? Cultivating the pleasures of an oral sex orgasm can be a delightful way to ignite and reignite passion over the long haul.

In a recent column we explored how the juiciest lust-filled type of sexual desire tends to wane after the honeymoon period, fueled by potent brain-chemical aphrodisiacs, fizzles out. But research shows that receiving oral sex more frequently helps people in longer-term relationships maintain more passion and experience higher levels of sexual satisfaction overall.

If you want to make oral sex a more rewarding practice for you and your partner—and have a passion-inducing oral sex orgasm—try these tips.

1. Learn more about your pleasure pathways.

The first step in finding the way to any orgasm is learning what pleases you. Obviously, you’re not going to perform oral sex on yourself to test-drive the experience, but there are other ways to get a good lay of the land. Take matters into your own hands and explore your own pleasure wiring starting with your clitoris—ground zero for oral sex. By understanding the workings of your own erotic anatomy, you’ll be better able to wire those important pathways to your brain’s pleasure centers.

2. Jump-start the mind-body pleasure engine.

One of the best ways to increase the power of the many pleasures of any sexual experience is to make sure you aren’t starting from square one. Move slowly and be patient in establishing a headspace for sensual pleasure. Also, use the power of physical arousal to kindle your sexual appetite. Before launching into cunnilingus, use other methods first—like asking your partner to manually massage your clitoris or apply pressure to your clitoral bulbs before launching into oral pleasures. By making sure you are aroused, the sensations of oral sex will be even more exquisite.

3. Communicate enthusiastically and loudly.

If something feels good, make lots of noise. If something doesn’t, communicate that too. In the realm of sex, feedback is our best friend. Grunts and sighs and moans work. You can also use words: “That feels great”; “Go faster (or slower or harder or softer)”; or “Move a bit up (or down).”

4. Talk with your body.

Use plenty of nonverbal, physical prompts by moving your body or gently adjusting your partner’s head or hand to where you want it most. If you feel awkward about doing this, before you head to bed for some head, open up a conversation about what works and what could work better. You can even explore in advance how your partner would prefer to get feedback when in the midst of pleasing you.

5. Move your body.

The tendency many women have when they are trying to orgasm, either during masturbation, oral sex, or intercourse, is to rigidly tense up their body. Some muscle tension—aka myotonia—goes along with sex and can contribute to orgasm. But there’s also too much of a good thing. Too much muscle tension restricts blood flow, which can actually interfere with orgasm. One way to increase the chances of having an orgasm is to find a way to rock your pelvis gently and rhythmically using small movements that don’t disrupt the action but keep blood flowing to your genitals.

6. Breathe.

Here’s a hot tip from tantra: An excellent way to maximize pleasurable sensations is to use your imagination. When you breathe in, imagine the breath (and sexual energy) flowing into and up your body. Then when you exhale, imagine the breath (and sexual energy) flowing down and out though your genitals. More oxygen helps. So does using the power of your imagination to amplify the sensations. (I actually published a study showing that just thinking about genital stimulation did wonders for the brain’s pleasure centers.)

7. Kegel, Kegel, Kegel.

In real estate the saying is “Location, location, location.” In sex therapy it’s all about a different kind of real estate: the valuable territory of the floor of the pelvis and the power of those muscles, when exercised regularly, to promote orgasmic capacity. Do your Kegels. They work.

8. Forget about chasing the orgasm—let it find you.

Focus on the sensations. Let go of the orgasm as a goal. By focusing on sensations, you will savor the experience and allow the orgasm to find you. And even in cases when the big O proves elusive, you can get great satisfaction from savoring the experience as is.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Sleep Apnea Cause Erectile Dysfunction (ED)?

by Annamarya Scaccia

Obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) is the most common type of sleep apnea. It’s a potentially serious disorder. People with OSA stop breathing repeatedly during sleep. They often snore and have difficulty sleeping.

Sleep disorders can impact your testosterone and oxygen levels. That can lead to many different issues, including erectile dysfunction (ED). Research has found a high prevalence of ED in men with obstructive sleep apnea, but doctors are not exactly sure why that’s the case.

Researchers have found evidence that men who have obstructive sleep apnea are more likely to have ED, and vice versa. A 2009 Trusted SourceJournal of Sexual MedicineTrusted Source studyTrusted Source found that 69 percent of male participants diagnosed with OSA also had ED. A 2016 studyTrusted Source found erectile dysfunction in about 63 percent of study participants with sleep apnea. By contrast, only 47 percent of men in the study without OSA had ED.

Furthermore, in a 2016 surveyTrusted Source of over 120 men with ED, 55 percent reported symptoms related to sleep apnea. The findings also suggested that men with ED are at a higher risk of having other undiagnosed sleep disorders.

Scientists still don’t know why, exactly, men with obstructive sleep apnea have higher rates of ED. Sleep deprivation caused by sleep apnea may cause a man’s testosterone levels to dip. It may also restrict oxygen. Testosterone and oxygen are both important for healthy erections. Researchers have also suggested that stress and fatigue related to lack of sleep may make sexual problems worse.

Research has shown a link between dysfunction with the endocrine system and sleep disorders. Hormone overactivity between the brain and the adrenal gland may affect sleep function and cause wakefulness. A 2014 studyTrusted Source also found that low testosterone levels can lead to poor sleep. However, there’s no evidence that obstructive sleep apnea impacts testosterone production.

There are several types of sleep apnea, although the main three are:

  • obstructive sleep apnea
  • central sleep apnea
  • complex sleep apnea syndrome

All three versions of the sleep disorder have similar symptoms, which sometimes makes it harder to receive a proper diagnosis. Common sleep apnea symptoms include:

  • loud snoring, which is more common in obstructive sleep apnea
  • periods where you stop breathing during your sleep, as witnessed by another person
  • waking up abruptly with a shortness of breath, which is more common in central sleep apnea
  • waking up with a sore throat or dry mouth
  • headaches in the morning
  • difficulty getting to and staying asleep
  • excessive daytime sleepiness, also known as hypersomnia
  • problems concentrating or paying attention
  • feeling irritable

Although more research is needed, scientists have found that treating obstructive sleep apnea may also help ease symptoms of ED. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, many men with OSA who use continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) for treatment experience improved erections. CPAP is a treatment for OSA where a mask is placed over your nose to deliver air pressure. It’s thought that CPAP improves erections in men with OSA because better sleep can raise testosterone and oxygen levels.

A 2013 pilot study found that men with sleep apnea who underwent tissue removal surgery, known as uvulopalatopharyngoplasty (UPPP), also saw a decrease in ED symptoms.

In addition to CPAP and tissue removal surgery, other treatments for obstructive sleep apnea include:

  • using a device to increase air pressure in order to keep your upper airway passages open
  • placing devices over each nostril to increase air pressure, known as expiratory positive airway pressure (EPAP)
  • wearing an oral device to keep your throat open
  • using additional oxygen
  • taking care of underlying medical issues that may cause sleep apnea

Your doctor may also recommend other surgeries, such as:

  • making a new air passageway
  • restructuring your jaw
  • implanting plastic rods in the soft palate
  • removing enlarged tonsils or adenoids
  • removing polyps in your nasal cavity
  • fixing a deviated nasal septum

In milder cases, lifestyle changes such as quitting smoking and losing weight may help. If your symptoms are caused or worsened by allergies, medications to help control allergies may improve your symptoms.

Research has found a clear correlation between obstructive sleep apnea and ED. Scientists still don’t understand why the connection exists, but there’s enough evidence to show a causal link. Studies have shown that treating obstructive sleep apnea may have a positive impact on ED symptoms. This is due to improvements in testosterone and oxygen levels.

Talk to your doctor as soon as possible if you’re experiencing sleep apnea and ED symptoms. Treating OSA may not only help you get and keep an erection more often, but it may also prevent other health conditions such as heart problems.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Know if You and Your Partner Could Benefit From Sex Therapy

By Rebecca Norris

Therapy is not simply a solution to a problem—whether the focus is personal, romantic, financial, sex-focused, or otherwise. And with specific respect to sex therapy, in particular, it’s important to know that the benefit extends to folks far beyond just those who are on the brink of breakup and are in dire need of professional help. Rather, just like seeking general therapy on a regular basis can help people live their most authentic life, sex therapy can help couples (and individuals) embrace their most fulfilling sex life—even when there’s no specific “problem” that needs solving.

With that in mind, keep reading for sex therapists’ take on must-knows about the benefits of sex therapy, including what it includes, how it may benefit you and your relationship, and more.

Who can enjoy the benefits of sex therapy?

Ready for it? Everyone. And that includes the folks in a honeymoon-phase state of bliss. “Think about how many transitions and experiences we go through in our adult lives: dating, breakups, infidelity, traumatic events, fertility challenges, pregnancies, postpartum recovery, health crises, natural aging, and beyond,” says Kimberly Sharky, relationship expert and sex coach with Union Square Play. “Each of these moments has potential to interfere with our connection to our sexual selves and with our sexual partners.”

With the guidance of a specialized sex therapist, when any of the above-mentioned moments comes to fruition, folks may be better adept at processing and then proceeding in such a way that avoids negative interference with the relationship. “While the guidance of a skilled therapist is a valuable resource in times of crisis, it is really best utilized during more stable times in our lives when we can benefit from a more grounded examination of our challenges and potential,” Sharky says.

As for how often to go to sex therapy, the answer is subjective and personal (as is the case with all forms of therapy). “It depends upon the degree of support that is necessary in order to build momentum and maintain positive progress,” Sharky says. “Your therapist will include recommendations in this regard once they have met with you once or twice and will then be able to create a collaborative game plan with you.”

What can sex therapists help with?

In addition to helping folks navigate life’s big moments and their impact on us, sexually speaking, Lovehoney sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, PhD, says the benefits of sex therapy are particularly pronounced for cultivating an authentic and realistic understanding of sex and pleasure—which is something many people don’t have. “Most of us don’t receive sex-positive explicit sex education,” she says. “Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.”

“Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.” Megan Fleming, PhD

By working with a sex therapist, Sharky says couples are able to stoke more eroticism in their relationships (particularly in long-term unions). Additionally, she says that sex therapists can help couples resolve differences in sexual interest or desire. “The bulk of work in sex therapy revolves around helping couples remove obstacles to pleasure, whether they be rooted in anxiety that drives inhibition, interpersonal frustrations that deplete interest in connecting sexually, or countless other ways that the freedom and expression of great sex can be affected by everyday life and the complexities of long-term love,” Sharky says.

Considering that “the biggest sex organ is our mind and there’s no limit to our erotic imagination and therefore what’s possible,” says Dr. Fleming, working with a sex therapist to harness that state of mind is worth all folks’ time.

According to relationship and sex therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, sex therapy can be just as beneficial for individuals as it can for couples. “Sex therapists work with individuals, couples, triads, quads, and groups,” she says, caveating that it’s the individuals who put in the most dedicated work with a sex therapist who benefit most. “Understanding your libido and your sexuality is a part of understanding yourself, which is a big piece of any form of psychotherapy.”

Furthermore, seeking sex therapy after a relationship or while single in general can also be particularly helpful. “It can be liberating to address sexual concerns on one’s own, which can often positively affect how that person engages in dating and early relationship-building,” Sharky says.

And in fact, for some, sex therapy may be a more honest, open, and vulnerable experience when done without the participation or gaze of another person. Basically, it can help you be your best, most authentic you, which lends itself to relationship health and general health alike.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Wondering Whether You Should Be Having Sex Daily?

Read This

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

The pressure to be having more, more, MORE sex is all around, isn’t it? Seen on the cover of magazines at the checkout line, overheard in the locker room, and even scribbled on the walls of bathroom stalls. But should you be having sex daily?

The only thing you ~should~ do is have solo or multi/partnered sex as much or as little as *you* feel comfortable with.

It depends on who you ask.

Researchers — and some of the general population, it seems — have a very limited definition of sex.

What researchers are typically referring to as sex is usually penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus penetration. Depending on the nature of the study, oral sex (and sometimes rimming) may be included in the definition.

While these things absolutely can qualify as sex, so can MANY other things, like kissing, touching, solo and mutual masturbation, outercourse, and any other intimate activity that brings a person sexual pleasure.

With so much that can “count” as sex and the incomplete view of what’s typically studied, comparing your sex life to the so-called average is pretty pointless given how flawed the “average” data is.

Turns out that daily sex is not all that common.

According to a 2017 survey, only 4 percent of adults said they were having sex daily. In this survey, sex was referring to “intercourse.”

The number of people masturbating on the daily is higher, according to the 2020 Tenga Self-Pleasure Report. Based on the findings, 13 percent partake in solo play every day.

It’s no secret that sex has numerous benefits for your mental and physical well-being. Individuals and partners can enjoy more of these if they indulge daily.

Let’s get down to the personal and relational benefits of sex.

Personally

Let’s take a look at what science says sex can do for a person.

It can improve sexual function

Looks like practice makes perfect — or at least better — when it comes to sex.

The more sex you have, the better your sexual functioning. This goes for partnered and solo sex, too.

This equates to an easier time having an orgasm and more intense orgasms. Oh yeah!

It can reduce stress and anxiety

Sex and orgasms have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety in human and animal studiesTrusted Source.

That’s because sex can reduce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. It can also release endorphins and oxytocin, which have a relaxing and stress-busting effect.

It can help you sleep better

Who rolls over and falls asleep after getting off? Hint: It’s not just people with penises, according to a 2019 study.

The study found that having an O before bed, either from partnered sex or self-lovin’, helped people fall asleep faster and sleep better.

It can put you in a good mood

Duh, right? Of course sex can put some pep in your step, but there are solid biological reasons for it.

Sex and orgasm can trigger a surge of feel-good hormones, and some research from 2006 suggests that these good feelings last well into the next day.

It can help relieve pain

Why reach for aspirin when you can dance the horizontal mambo with yourself or a partner to relieve pain?

The endorphins and other chemicals released during arousal and orgasm are natural pain relievers that work like opioids. This could explain why sex and orgasm offer quick relief from menstrual cramps, migraine, and headaches for some people.

It can be good for your heart

Sex is good for your heart and not just in a warm and fuzzy way.

Along with lower stress and better sleep, which are good for the heart, sex can also lower blood pressure and counts as mild to moderate exercise, depending on how long and hard you go.

Furthermore, frequent and more satisfying sex has also been linked to a lower risk of heart attack.

Relationally

The personal benefits we just covered translate to relationships, too, along with some partner-specific benefits.

It can bring you closer

They don’t call oxytocin the love hormone for nothing.

Oxytocin has several relationship-enhancing effects. Bonding, affection, and trust are just a few.

It’s released in the early stages of love as well as during all kinds of sexual stimulation. We’re talking kissing and cuddling, nipple stim, and other erogenous play, too.

The benefits for your relationships don’t end with actual sex either, according to a 2017 study of married couples. Turns out that postcoital glow continues for 48 hours after sex and contributes to pair-bonding. The stronger the afterglow, the higher the marital satisfaction.

More sex = more sex

That chemical cocktail released during sex is hella strong and go-ood. So good, in fact, that it leads to wanting more, which is why the more sex you have, the more you and your partner(s) will end up having it.

This is why experts often recommend you not be so quick to say no to sex when your partner(s) is in the mood and you’re not, and why many suggest it as a way to deal with mismatched libidos.

Bonus, pleasuring yourself can also increase your sex drive and make you want to have more sex with your partner(s).

Better sexual functioning

Yes, this was one of the personal benefits listed, but it definitely helps sex with your partner(s), too.

Improved sexual functioning from more sex doesn’t just mean better orgasms, but also things like stronger erections and an increase in vaginal lubrication production, which can make partnered sex better.

A few, but for the most part, as long as sex is consensual, pleasurable, and not having a negative impact on your life, it’s all good.

Personally

If you have sex daily, you’ll want to consider these potential personal drawbacks.

Chafing and other discomfort

Excess friction from all that rubbing/thrusting/vibrating/kissing can leave your skin raw and chafed. Frequent handling of your tender parts is bound to leave your parts, well, tender.

Not only could this put a damper on your daily sex sesh, but chafed skin can also crack and give bacteria a way into the body, increasing your risk of infections.

Urinary tract infections (UTIs)

And speaking of infection, frequent sex of the partnered or solo variety can increase your chances of a UTI.

This is assuming you’re engaging in play that involves your genitals, since your urethra basically sits front and center to the action, which can push bacteria inside.

Not enough time prep or recovery time

Certain sex acts don’t require much in the way of prep or recovery, but others, like, say, anal or aggressive sex, might not be practical or even safe without sufficient time before and after.

This can lead to pain and injuries and put you out of commission for a while.

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

If you’re having sex with someone other than yourself, there’s always some risk of contracting or transmitting an STI.

The more often you have sex, the more you increase the odds of contracting one. Regular STI testing and disclosing your results to your partner(s) is key to preventing transmission and a crucial part of overall safer sex practices.

Relationally

If all involved feel good about it and aren’t just going through the motions for the sake of meeting a quota, daily sex can actually be pretty great for your relationship(s). Then again, so is any amount that you’re all happy with.

A 2015 analysis of 30,000 people found that couples who have sex more than once a week are no happier than those that have it just once weekly.

Here’s how to go about getting a daily helping of pleasure without burning yourself or your nether regions out.

Solo practice

Treating yourself to some daily sexy time should be more about pleasure than pressure, so try not to beat yourself up if you don’t make it happen every day.

Try these tips to keep the quality while upping the quantity:

  • Schedule your solo sesh on busy days but be open to rubbing one out outside that time if mood and opportunity happen to line up.
  • Masturbation’s about more than clits and dicks, so show the rest of your body (including your booty!) love, too.
  • Try different strokes to mix things and experiment with tempo and pressure.
  • Use erotic stories and porn for some sexy inspo.
  • Keep things fresh by trying different locations, positions, sex toys, and props.
  • Seduce yourself by setting the mood with candles, music, or a hot bath.

Partner practice

Daily sex can be a little more challenging when you’ve got different schedules and libidos to sync, but it can be done as long as you’re realistic about it.

Try these tips:

  • Broaden your definition of sex to include acts like mutual masturbation, making out, and dry humping to accommodate varying time constraints and energy levels.
  • Keep things interesting with new positions, toys, and props.
  • Schedule sex in your calendars if you have busy or opposite schedules.
  • Keep must-haves like lube and barrier protection stocked so you have them when you need them.
  • Quickies are totes fine but set aside time for some longer sessions and afterglow.
  • Don’t feel pressured or pressure your partner(s) to play if you’re not all totally into it.

Daily sex can be great for your well-being and relationship, as long as your focus isn’t only on frequency. Taking the pressure off and doing what feels good will serve you better than trying to hit some statistical (or perceived) norm.

Like most things in life, quality over quantity is better. If you can have both, well that’s just a nice bonus.

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