It’s Not You, It’s the “Sex Recession”

Why desire and hookups are trending downward and what we can do about it

By Sarah Laing

There’s a recession afoot. Not the looming financial one that rising inflation and a bear market seem to grimly foretell, but another one that’s even more obvious to anyone who’s in a monogamous relationship with a vibrator named Bunny, or whose most exciting recent sexual encounter was watching Normal People back in the first lockdown.

We are, apparently, in the midst of a “sex recession.”

It’s been brewing for a while. The advent of dating apps, a seeming lifting of many taboos and the sheer convenience of hooking up in the era of DMs and Snapchat make it seem as though sex should be at an all-time high. But as early as 2018, young people were having less sex than any generation before them, according to writer Kate Julian’s research for her 2018 story in The Atlantic that coined the term. Then, people in their early 20s were 2.5 times more likely to be abstinent than Gen X-ers at a similar age, according to psychology professor Jean M. Twinge’s research, and older adults’ intercourse index was also in the red, with the average adult in 2014 having sex 54 times a year, down from 62 in the late 1990s.

That was before social distancing put an effective stop to in-person meet cutes, and we all spent two years in a groundhog day of our pre-existing sexual and romantic circumstances. There was a vague hopefulness that there might be a sexual silver lining to COVID—shacked-up couples would grow more intimate after all that one-on-one time, or dating would be “better” after all that alleged personal growth we’d been through. But, alas, the research indicates the pandemic may have accelerated the downward trend. A Kinsey Institute study found that 75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine. As for singles, a February 2022 survey by the Pew Research Center found 64 per cent said dating has gotten harder, and 56 per cent said it wasn’t worth it and that they’re off the dating market, up 6 per cent from 2019. This will come as no surprise to anyone who suffered through the supreme awkwardness of a video first date.

75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine.

“There’s been a lot of stress, loss and grief during this time,” says Shan Boodram, an intimacy educator and podcaster. “Many people have been forced into self-isolation and had a lot of time to think about their desired outcomes when it comes to sex and dating. People aren’t rushing and see value in taking the time to be careful and figure out what they want from potential partners.” Boodram is dating app Bumble’s resident sex and relationship expert, and she points to its recent stats showing that 40 per cent of Canadians have “changed their approach to sex in the last year,” with 17 per cent indicating that means adding in more steps to screen sexual partners. (Vaccine passports: Not just for restaurants, it would seem.)

“‘Social distancing’ was the consistent slogan for the past two years; we were encouraged to keep a tight social circle, and we were told that being around new people could put the ones that are closest to us in danger. It’s apparent why many people aren’t racing into new sexual experiences,” says Boodram. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, she notes. “This reluctance may not come out of fear but out of empowerment. People are more intentional about their romantic lives, and we’re even finding that people have become comfortable being on their own.”

The sex recession may also be attributable to something much bigger at play, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. “Women partnered with men often have lower desire to be sexual with their men partners because of the ways heteronormativity pushes them and their men partners into a set of roles, cognitions and behaviours that are harmful and/or undermine the women’s desire,” says Dr. Sari Van Anders. She’s a professor of psychology, gender science and neuroscience at Queen’s University, and lead author of a recent paper about “the heteronormativity theory of low desire.”

Basically: The patriarchy is killing the vibe. Gender inequality’s consequences—women bear the the burden of housework, childcare and emotional labour; norms around men being the ones to initiate sex—make it much harder for a woman in a relationship with a man to desire sex with him. That’s not to say they’re not having sex, though, because as Van Anders points out, “people can have sex they don’t want, and want sex they’re not having.” 

Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in relationship with a man.

One of the key gender norms the study points to is how “we are all taught to see sex as something men do to women, and/or something women do to please men.” This affects how sex gets initiated between a man and a woman. “Women are taught to respond to men’s sexual initiations but not to initiate sex themselves, and are often punished or stigmatized when they don’t follow these ‘rules,’” Van Anders says. “Think [of the] pejorative usages of ‘slut’ or ‘frigid.’” Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in a relationship with a man.

Note that the focus here is on heteronormativity, not heterosexual men, “because it’s about how that system impacts us all,” clarifies Van Anders. “Neither heterosexual men nor heterosexuality are problems. Heteronormativity and the costs it places especially on women are the issue.” She adds that “there are also costs for men, not least in having women partners who often don’t want to be sexual with them.”

Like Boodram, Van Anders emphasizes that having low or no sexual desire “is and can be an unproblematic part of people’s existences” despite the way society often pathologizes it. “It’s like, ‘How do we get these women to do more of the sex their men partners want!?’” she says. “Almost none of this concern is about, for example, women’s desire to masturbate. It’s all in the context of having low desire to have sex with men, which is telling!”

It is a problem, however, when low desire is a symptom of structural inequality. Van Anders and her co-authors have some suggestions for this—and they come in the form of tips for men who want to be sexual with women. First, pay attention to gender inequities in household labour. Second, don’t put your partner “in a position where they have to be your mother.” (Think: picking up your socks, remembering important appointments.) Third, do your part in supporting women to be “full humans,” and not just “sexy, good times.” Fourth, put her “sexual pleasure and agency front and centre.”

If you’re not sure where to start with prioritizing your own sexual pleasure and agency, it’s time to do some reflecting. “Take stock of your whole life today and see how you feel about it. Now, envision your life where sex plays more of a role in your experience—how does that vision make you feel?” Boodram suggests. “If it excites you, look for the next natural step to getting there. Maybe that’s masturbation; perhaps that’s simply downloading Bumble and leaving it at that. However, if you don’t feel ready to explore connections that may lead to a new sexual partner, that’s completely okay! Take all the time you need, and when you’re ready to experiment with sexual activities again, you’ll feel it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!