Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.
It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.
Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.
What are the benefits of sex therapy?
Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.
The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.
1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life
Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.
The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.
2. The treatment of sexual problems
Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.
Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:
Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities
3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ
The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.
These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.
4. Reducing fears and anxiety
Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.
For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.
Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.
The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.
5. Overcoming sexual trauma
An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.
6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection
Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:
Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way
7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better
One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.
The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.
8. It’s an inclusive therapy
Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.
In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.
9. The prevention of future problems
Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.
Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.
How to find a sex therapist who can help me?
Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.
However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.
James* was in Year 3 when he walked up to his teacher and asked her what a 69 was.
He had heard the number being joked about by other students and wanted to know what on earth they were talking about.
Not satisfied with the teacher’s response, he tried another teacher, and then another, who promptly told him to stop asking. A phone call from the school to his mother set in motion a conversation that’s still ongoing to this day.
Now 11 years old and in Year 5 at an inner-Sydney public school, James matter-of-factly describes his peers talking about “Porn Hub”, performatively “moaning” in front of teachers, or looking up sexually explicit anime, known as “hentai”, at sleepovers.
“Most kids just say stuff because they’ve heard other kids say stuff,” he says, speaking with the permission of his parents.
“But the other kids know what they’re doing … like telling younger kids how to get on to certain websites, telling kids how to turn off Google Safe Search so their parents or anyone can’t track them.”
Rowena Thomas, a sex and relationships educator who runs workshops in primary schools across New South Wales, is well acquainted with kids’ curly questions. You can see some of the ones she’s asked throughout this article.
That curiosity is nothing new, but widespread access to the internet and the terabytes of graphic and often violent pornography it hosts has given rise to a fresh set of concerns: if children and teenagers are left to go looking for answers to their awkward questions on Google, what exactly will they find?
Last month, this harsh reality was at the heart of a heated debate over a brightly-coloured sexual education book that offers frank explanations of how sex works, the myths and taboos surrounding it, masturbation, and consent, alongside cartoon drawings of body parts.
Vocal critics of Welcome To Sex, written by broadcaster Yumi Stynes and former Dolly Doctor Melissa Kang, argued the book was inappropriate for children (the book is marketed to teens between 12 and 15), leading to it being pulled from Big W shelves.
Welcome to Sex, by Dr Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes, was removed from Big W shelves following backlash.
Others hit back that books like Welcome to Sex are a crucial counter to harmful content readily available online. The furore was raised in a senate inquiry into consent laws, where author and advocate Jess Hill said it showed “just how little adults know about the sex lives and sex education of young people”.
At the heart of the debate were simple questions, complicated by the complicated emotions that so often inform views on sex. When, where and from who should young people access information about sex, and perhaps more importantly, how does this measure up to the reality of what’s already happening?
“We need to be talking about the dangers of pornography, just like we talk about the dangers of swimming in a rip or riding a bike without a helmet,” Ms Thomas says.
“Parents aren’t talking about it because they don’t think that their nice child would watch pornography — very nice kids watch pornography because they’re curious.”
How young people are learning about sex
Ms Thomas has been teaching sex and relationship education for 30 years and over that time, she says, children have become “much more inquisitive, much more open, and much more honest”.
Her anonymous question box has given thousands of students a place to direct the queries that they’re too embarrassed to ask anyone else. Scribbled on colourful notes and peppered with misspelt words, they provide a snapshot into what students already know, and crucially, what they don’t.
Rowena Thomas has been teaching sex and relationships education for 30 years.
Some of the questions are childishly naive (“Can sperm drown?”), others are imbued with genuine concern (“Is it normal to have public hair at the age of 10?”), but the question she gets the most usually comes from a place of intense curiosity: “What does the number 69 mean?”
“I hear it nearly every day,” Ms Thomas says. “So parents think that immediately they have to go into talking about oral sex, but that’s not what the kids are asking. The kids are just curious, the number 69, what on earth does it mean?”
Sometimes they’ve heard it in the playground, like James, or from an older sibling. But it’s the information source in kids’ pockets that she’s most worried about. Just under half of all Australian children between the ages of six and 13 use a mobile phone, and one in three have their own phone, according to data collected by the Australian Communications and Media Authority in 2020.
While parental controls are available to limit what apps and websites young people can access, they aren’t fail-safe. Not only are increasingly tech-literate young people adept at bypassing them, it just takes one student with lenient controls for information to spread through school grounds.
“Not every kid is watching porn, but a couple of kids in the class are watching porn, you can tell in nearly every class,” Ms Thomas says. “They get shown stuff, they get air-dropped pictures, they’re maybe at a friend’s house … and they want to fit in.”
Most children see pornography long before they ever have sex, and it only takes a few taps to go from a Google search to a plethora of hardcore videos depicting unrealistic and harmful sexual encounters. “How sad is that? Because that’s not what sex should be like,” Ms Thomas says. “As soon as a child gets access to the internet, we should be saying to them: ‘If you see a naked picture online, I would be so proud of you if you tell me’.”
Most of the time Ms Thomas is teaching Year 4 to Year 6 students, which means she has to find age-appropriate ways to introduce tricky topics. Her sessions cover a lot of ground, from bodies and puberty, to sexual health, and staying safe online, which includes pornography (though she calls it “unsafe or inappropriate pictures”). Sometimes she delivers pared-back workshops on bodily safety and consent to kindergarteners.
With younger children, for example, she might introduce bodily boundaries in the context of hugging or tickling. With older students, there’s more of a focus on building healthy relationships.
“Age appropriate is a very difficult thing to talk about because it really does depend on your kid,” Ms Thomas says. “But every child is definitely mature enough to be talking about this stuff, in an age-appropriate way, according to where you think your child is at.”
She is big on caregivers being “askable adults”, something she focuses on when she runs workshops for parents. If a child comes forward with a question or story, no matter how shocking or awkward, she encourages adults to treat it as a positive teaching moment — respond calmly, fake it if you have to, and validate their feelings, rather than shutting down the conversation.
It’s an approach James’ mother, Lisa*, has adopted. The pair have an open dialogue when it comes to sex, something she felt she didn’t have a choice in once she realised what her son was being exposed to. While James is quick to fill her in on what goes on away from adult eyes, letting her know when one of his peers has been looking up “weird” websites, she’s aware that not all parents are as clued in.
“I do worry that there’s a disconnect between what people think kids are doing these days and what kids are doing, and that divide is only going to get larger if we don’t start seeing it for what it is,” Lisa says. “If he was in Year 4 when he first heard moaning [in the playground], there would be kids in kindergarten hearing it now, because it’s not going away.”
Lisa believes her son’s school has a porn problem, one that neither teachers, principals, nor parents know how to deal with despite her attempts to raise it. “They’re sticking their heads in the sand,” she says. “It’s not that they don’t know, it’s that they don’t want to know.”
The talk no one wants to have
Jennifer Power, an associate professor at La Trobe University’s Australian Centre in Sex, Health and Society, says it’s not surprising that parents shy away from having these conversations with their children. “They’re not sure what’s age-appropriate, or when to raise these issues, let alone how to do it,” she says. “They’re not comfortable. The kids are uncomfortable. No one wants to have that conversation, and they’re worried they’re going to get it all wrong.”
Just because young people aren’t opening up to their parents about sex, doesn’t mean they’re not engaging in it. A 2021 survey run by La Trobe University and funded by the Department of Health found the average age for first viewing pornography was 13.6, and the average age for first experience of oral, vaginal and anal sex was 15. More than half of Year 11 and Year 12 students said they had sexual experience or were currently sexually active.
The survey included the responses of almost 8,000 Year 11 and 12 students, from a range of different backgrounds and schools, however, it only recruited respondents through social media advertising, meaning it’s possible the results skewed to reflect students who were sexually aware or comfortable discussing the topic.
Despite half of the respondents stating they had sexual experience, only 25 per cent of the total cohort felt their most recent relationship and sexual education class at school was “very or extremely relevant to them”.
“When we asked people to explain that … the thing that really stood out was people saying they thought they would learn more about sex,” Dr Power says. “It’s not tapping into what young people are looking to learn about and I suspect young people probably go online to try and find that stuff out.”
Curtin University sexologist Jacqueline Hendriks believes this lack of detail is a problem. As a comparison, she points to the United Kingdom’s curriculum which states in detail what students are expected to learn, such as: “facts about the full range of contraceptive choices” and “how to recognise the characteristics and positive aspects of healthy one-to-one intimate relationships”.
Teachers are often also not specifically trained in delivering sex education, she says, which can lead them to default to topics and lessons they are familiar with. “Because they’ve not been trained in sexuality education, they’ve not seen it in practice, they’re not comfortable doing it,” she says.
The lack of training, along with time constraints, is why schools frequently opt to bring in outside educators or speakers to cover the material. Often this takes the form of a one-off workshop or lecture, something Dr Hendriks says is counter to the best-practice approach of building up lessons over time.
“It’s much easier to get a guest speaker in, chuck every kid in an auditorium and lecture to them for an hour, so they [the school] can tick the box,” she says. “That can sometimes be a great starting point, but you want a lot of little lessons over time … and if it’s done well, it actually does take time, and schools don’t necessarily have that luxury.”
Overall, looking internationally, Dr Hendriks says Australia is about middle-of-the-road when it comes to the delivery of quality sex education but adds that any efforts at improvement are an uphill battle. “We are constantly fighting to be able to deliver really comprehensive and contemporary programs, there’s always push-back,” she says. “It’s always two steps forward, one step back.”
That’s partly because some parents and politicians would prefer schools steer clear of sex altogether. Just last month, the Queensland Liberal National Party voted against sexual consent being taught in schools at their annual state conference, with members arguing that it should be the responsibility of parents.
How sex ed is changing
Dr Hendriks started working in sex education in the ’90s, shortly after the HIV epidemic had spurred educators into teaching the topic in schools for the first time. The lessons were largely focused on sexually-transmitted disease, and weaponised fear to stop young people from becoming sexually active, “but at least we were able to talk about it in schools”, she says.
In the decades since, what constitutes sex ed — officially called sex and relationships education or RSE — has expanded far beyond the tokenistic demonstration of how to put a condom on a banana.
There have been moves to increase representation of diverse sexualities and gender, and steps to educate young people about sexual violence. Most recently the national curriculum was updated to explicitly include lessons on consent, following a petition by advocate Chanel Contos calling for it to be made compulsory.
While Dr Hendriks says these are positive steps, she’s worried the focus on sexual violence signals a return to the fear-based rhetoric of the past. “It’s still about violence prevention, as opposed to, let’s look at it from a positive viewpoint,” she says, “like you’re growing up and your body is changing and you may start interacting with other people in a sexual way … here’s how you can do that in a really fun, enjoyable, healthy and respectful way.”
Ms Thomas is more optimistic about where things are heading. “When I work at night with parents and kids, I ask ‘how has this education changed?’ and they say, ‘we’re talking about it more’,” she says. “That’s my whole thing: open, shame-free, honest, lifelong conversations that change as your child gets older. It’s not easy, but it’s awesome because it’s all about connecting with your child.”
Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect “It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.
Communication is the thing that matters most This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”
Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.
Think about what you want ahead of time “Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”
Switch off negativity “As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.
As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.
You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”
Age 25-35
It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”
Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm) Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”
You need to set the right conditions for sex Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.
You don’t have to have sex at all “Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”
Commitment and monogamy can be exciting “In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”
Age 35-45
It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities “When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”
Have a six-second kiss “Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.
Make sex a priority “Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”
Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”
Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.
Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too “It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”
Age 45-55
To cuddle or not to cuddle? Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”
Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it “Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”
Embrace body confidence “I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”
Manage the menopause Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”
Have a sex date “Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”
Learn how to reconnect “It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”
You’re never too old to experiment “We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”
Age 55-65
Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”
Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”
Manage dryness “One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”
Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.
Don’t take things for granted People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.
Age 65-plus
Don’t rush things “If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”
Make the wellness connection Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.
Seek medical help when needed Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”
Strive for connection “Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”
Welcome your sexuality “The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”
Frances and her wife have been together for more than 40 years, and early on in their relationship they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Then came three children and a series of health issues (along with accompanying medications) that slowly eroded her wife’s libido.
“Her interest just went away,” said Frances, 61, who asked not to be identified by her last name out of respect for her wife’s privacy. “What had been maybe once a week went down to maybe once a month, then maybe once a year. Then at some point, it just stopped.”
For 10 years now, the couple has been in a sexual drought. Frances loves her wife and said their marriage was “strong.” But she also longs for the “mutuality” of sex.
“I find myself fantasizing about just about everyone I meet, and I feel guilty for these thoughts,” she said. “I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”
Recently, The New York Times asked readers about libido differences, and more than 1,200 wrote in, many sharing deeply personal stories of how they have navigated sexual incompatibilities. We also spoke to sex therapists and researchers who said that discrepancies in sexual desire were common, almost to the point of inevitability in long-term relationships. Research suggests that desire differences are one of the top reasons couples seek out therapy.
“I’m inclined to say that this happens in almost every partnership, either some of the time or more perpetually,” said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist, sex therapist and co-author of the forthcoming book “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.”
Many factors can influence libido: interpersonal dynamics, physical and mental health, the social messages around sexuality that people absorb during childhood and adolescence. The list goes on, and there are seldom easy fixes. But Dr. Fogel Mersy and other experts said more communication could help couples bridge gaps in sexual desire.
Focus on improving communication, not on trying to match your libidos.
When she sees clients with libido differences, Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a psychiatrist and sex therapist, does not focus on lowering one partner’s sex drive or increasing the other’s. Instead, she helps partners understand what is driving those differences — which could be anything from relationship concerns to work stress — and, crucially, how to talk about them.
“I say this again and again, but the most important thing we can do is improve communication,” Dr. Gordon said. “Communication is the bedrock of sexual health.”
Joel, 40, and his wife of 12 years have struggled with sex for much of their marriage. The couple come from backgrounds that were rigid in different ways: His family was religious, and hers tended to avoid emotional topics. He is the partner with higher desire, and often can’t find the words to convey his frustration.
“I don’t want to feel needy,” said Joel, who also asked not to be identified by his last name to protect his family’s privacy. “And yet, at the same time, I want to express how important this is to me.” He said it can be “lonely” and “confusing” to sometimes feel like your partner is just not attracted to you anymore.
Dr. Gordon reminds clients like Joel of the basic tenants of good communication. Set aside a time to talk that isn’t at the end of a long day or when you are attempting to multitask. Consider what setting would help you feel comfortable, Dr. Gordon said, such as over a quiet dinner or during a walk.
Kristen Mark, a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, recommended using “I” statements, which can feel gentler and help curb defensiveness. (For instance, “I am not feeling much sex drive lately, because I am tired” or “I want to feel closer to you, whether we have sex or not.”) Or, she said, try the “sandwich method” — sharing a request or more difficult statement between two compliments.
Take time to identify intimacy inside and outside the bedroom.
Sex therapists who work with couples experiencing desire discrepancies may nudge their clients to expand their so-called sexual scripts. These are ideas people sometimes cling to about what sexual intimacy “should” look like and how it “should” unfold.
What matters is that you’re setting aside time for intimacy, whatever that means to you, Dr. Gordon said. For instance, she has seen clients who have compromised by having one partner hold the other while he or she masturbates.
Most people have never thought about what, specifically, they get from sex, Dr. Mark said. Is it all about the physical pleasure? Fun? Emotional release or connection? Ask yourself, then try to brainstorm ways other than sex that you and your partner might fulfill at least some of those needs, she said.
Sex brings Jack, 23, and his boyfriend closer emotionally, he said, but they’re not having it as often as his boyfriend would like. Jack, who asked not to be identified by his last name out of respect for his partner’s privacy, has dealt with mental health issues that have hampered his sex drive. So he and his boyfriend have looked for other ways to foster the kind of intimacy they get from sex.
“Things as innocent as hugging or holding hands or standing next to each other and leaning on each other while we cook are important,” Jack said, “despite it not always being sexual,” he added.
Despite these moments of connection, his partner still struggles with hurt feelings, and Jack often feels like something is wrong with him. But finding ways to be intimate without being sexual has “helped combat some of the frustrations,” he said.
Be open to the different types of desire.
There are generally thought to be two types of sexual desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire comes on suddenly, much like what we see in movies or TV. Responsive desire happens in reaction to physical arousal through any of the five senses, like a pleasing touch or visual cue. It can happen quickly, or it can take some time to build up. People tend to overlook the benefits of responsive desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said.
“Without teaching people that there are different types of sexual desire, many are left feeling broken,” said Jennifer Vencill, a psychologist and sex therapist who wrote the book “Desire” with Dr. Fogel Mersy.
In their book, they suggest partners consider the “willingness model,” a 0 to 10 scale, to answer the question: Am I willing to see if my sexual desire will arise or respond? A 0 means you are not willing to try to create responsive desire — and that is OK. (Consent is crucial.) But if you are at a 5, are you willing to hug or lie with your partner, and see if you feel open to more physical contact from there?
Seek outside help.
Therapists, particularly sex therapists, can be a valuable, and often underutilized, resource for couples with mismatched libidos. If the desire imbalance is causing fights or distance in your relationship, you might consider couples counseling. Ask prospective therapists whether they have dealt with your issue before, and don’t be afraid to offer feedback after a few sessions. Research shows it can make therapy more effective.
Keep in mind that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that may be affecting libido, such as pain associated with sex, low desire from certain medications or erectile dysfunction. Anyone with those concerns should see a physician.
Much of the work sex therapists do is focused on adjusting their clients’ expectations and normalizing experiences, Dr. Gordon said.
“We want them to understand,” she said, “that discrepancy in desire is extremely common, really normal, and it can be worked with.”
The story of how I lost my virginity — a tale I long held onto — was a lie. A fiction as false as the construct itself, I fabricated the narrative to please my boyfriend. Before we got together, he expressed that my chastity was one of the most appealing qualities I possessed. His previous girlfriend had not been a virgin, and he resented not having been her first. Sloppy seconds, the boys called it. Although I became sexually active with him, I’d done it once before, a fact that I clearly needed to keep secret if I wanted him to pick me.
This double standard barely registered to me as a teen. Though premarital sex was not allowed, it was normal for men to have sex before marriage. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.
Over a decade of affiliation, I watched as the church judged and punished dozens of women for acting upon their desires. The men who did the same didn’t face any humiliation or consequences. Sequestered behind closed doors for hours, girls had no choice but to answer to a tribunal of elders — three or four self-appointed, middle-aged white men — who, through an intimately inappropriate line of questioning and based on the rumors they had heard about each girl’s behavior, assessed her level of repentance. From what I saw, the tribunal never believed any of the women or girls were contrite.
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“Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.”
— jessica hoppe
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When the elders deemed the victims guilty, everyone would find out. An appointed elder read their names aloud at the following service, publicly declaring their status to the congregation as disfellowshipped, which initiated a period of banishment. No one could speak to or acknowledge her for months — some for years — until the elders decided she was repentant and approved her reinstatement.
Through this indoctrination and the gravity of our family history, I began to think of my sexuality as separate from my body, aligning myself with the dictates of purity culture in order to be chosen. So I could feel safe. I had no idea I’d fallen prey to a favorite instrument of white supremacy.
Evangelists contextualize sex exclusively within a heteronormative framework and uphold the image of a thin, able-bodied, cis, straight, white woman as the epitome of purity, perpetuating colonial and Eurocentric values that systemically oppress women of color. The promise to wait for marriage seems universal, but what is the result when that aspiration is unattainable no matter your actions because it’s at odds with your identity?
As it turns out, it can wreak havoc on your mental health and familial relationships. A study conducted at University of Massachusetts Boston found that while the normalization of oppression — the restriction of sexual agency, the teaching of shame as a response to pleasure, and the perpetuation of rape culture — harms all, women of color were uniquely injured by the alienation of the rhetoric, expressing symptoms that “mimic that of posttraumatic stress disorder.”
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“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family.”
— Adriana Alejandre
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“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family, ” Adriana Alejandre, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Latinx Therapy tells Refinery29 Somos. “Whereas, the opposite is allowed for men. There is more forgiveness when men do not respect purity culture than for girls or women. When individuals outgrow this controlling perspective, it often creates estrangement among family members.”
Alejandre further explains that the effects from childhood are lifelong and require that we “unlearn harmful messages around sexuality and gender, such as virginity being a woman’s only worth and gift to husband upon marriage, being ashamed of sexual desires, [dressing] modestly, among many others.”
It is in regaining self-trust that healing can begin. Alejandre advises her clients to pay attention to the feeling of control and imposition. When is the message not coming from within you? “We can reject purity culture by embracing liberation, having open and developmentally appropriate conversations about sex to children, refraining from making statements such as, ‘sex is for marriage,’ and teaching all generations about body autonomy and consent,” she explains. “Lastly, I would recommend journaling about messages you received around sex, sexual education, consent, and sexual expression. Some questions to ask can include: How do these topics make me feel when I talk about them out loud to someone else? What are messages I grew up with? What are some beliefs I still carry even though I may not want to? How has my sexual expression changed over time?”
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“It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright.”
— JESSICA HOPPE
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While I do not turn to scripture often in my recovery from religious and sexual trauma, I do take delight in knowing that the Bible muses erotically through the entire Book of Solomon: A sensual collection of poems depicting lustful, consensual encounters ripe with juicy metaphors for arousal, genitalia, oral sex, and a woman who is not cast to fall on her back and receive; she is the pursuant. It is the story of her sexual awakening, and she never suffers for her passion. The sex is triumphant.
In rereading these ancient texts, I am reminded that it is the church’s calculated interpretations that have perverted sex with shame, a toxic message perpetuated from pulpits all over the world and across generations. It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright. Here, three Latinas from different religious backgrounds discuss how they liberated themselves from purity culture and what they found on the other side.
Joy Valerie Carrera
I grew up evangelical Christian. To me, purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven and could not afford to mess up because of one tiny thing. It fed into this anxiety. As a neurodivergent child, it made me feel like I was constantly messing up and not fitting this mold of “perfect.” It contributed to masking so much of who I truly was.
As a teenager, I remember signing a pact with God that I would remain pure until marriage. I was given a key to symbolize my virginity, the key to my heart that on my wedding night I would give to my husband. When I was 16, I thought I was in love with my high school boyfriend. I was waiting for marriage, and we had been dating for a year. My hormonal teenage brain figured a “loophole” would be that it was fine if we had sex because we would eventually get married. I ended up leaving religion at 18, but the conditioning was there and something I would keep learning to rewire. I had been raised to believe that once you had sex, you were tied and bonded to the person for a lifetime, so I ended up staying in this relationship longer than I should have, even though it was unhealthy. I had this guilt and shame that I could not break my pact with God.
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“Purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven.”
— Joy Valerie Carrera
”
I was assaulted at 21, and that was a huge turning point for me because I logically knew it was not my fault, but I had that deep ingrained belief that because I had betrayed God and left the church I was being punished. I transitioned into the complete opposite, exploring my sexuality fully and doing everything that I was told I was not supposed to, but still had this underlying guilt and shame.
It has taken me 10 years of therapy, coaching, deep reflection, so much exploration, and embracing self-love to unlearn the deep, old religious conditioning. I now feel more confident in who I am and realize when the shame pops up, those aren’t my beliefs. They are beliefs that are ready to be liberated. This next phase of my journey, I hope to keep letting go of those to enter into conscious, intimate, and healthy relationships free from the pressure that my religious upbringing put on me.
Margot Spindola
As a cis Latina woman who went to Catholic K-12 school in a small rural town, purity culture was communicated to me through a series of insidious signals and messages that brought about immense introspection, shame, and insecurity about my own body — something I still struggle with unlearning to this day.
I learned about purity in Catholic school. While in seventh grade, I took a sexual education course taught by one of the moms of the community who was also a registered nurse. Despite her background, I distinctly remember her standing at the front of the class, waving her hands in the air, and telling us, “Condoms are of the devil.”
When I was 14 or 15 years old, my immigrant mami slipped a “God’s Plan” brochure underneath my bedroom door.I was already on my way to having sex by then, so it’s maddening that other people felt like they had control over my body when I was barely even wrapping my head around my own relationship with it.
In my junior year of high school, I attended what they called a “Morality” class, where philosophical debate and scripture overlapped and we would spend hours listening to my teacher drone on about natural family planning and how having premarital sex would send me straight on the path to purgatory. Because I was already feeling the asphyxiating grasp of organized religion’s hands around my neck, I knew that this talk of being a virgin was likely to be a scam. I didn’t yet realize or understand the invisible script it had coded into my body as I grew older. For a short time, I wore a purity ring. At the time, I didn’t truly resonate with my body and felt numb. Following the scripts my community gave me felt like the only way forward
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The most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.”
— Margot Spindola
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Fast-forward to today, I’m 27 years old, and I embrace pleasure. But this didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual process of self-reflection, critical thinking, and having conversations about sex. My body is no longer someone else’s to dictate. Instead, it is the “practice ground for transformation,” as adrianne maree brown so thoughtfully affirms in her book, Pleasure Activism. I’m thankful for the ways I was taught, regardless of the harm caused, because for better or for worse, it became a catalyst for my reckoning with my body. Instead of ignoring my body’s signals for pleasure (sexual or not), I embrace the ups and downs of where it takes me.
It has taken, and will take me, a long time to get to a place of crafting my own pleasure practice. It’s not to say that shame doesn’t sneak up on me, or that sometimes sex with a man can feel pressuring or the need to serve comes up. But the most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.
Cindy Luquin
From my earliest memories, the concept of purity culture was ingrained in me through my family’s religious beliefs, particularly within the context of Pentecostalism. As the first child born in my family, I witnessed how religious congregations often served as a sanctuary for immigrant families from Latin America when they first arrived in the US, providing a sense of belonging and practical support.
The strong influence of Pentecostalism, combined with my Guatemalan heritage, created a subtle denial of our Maya Indigenous roots within our religious practice. I vividly recall an incident when I was just 4 years old, dressing up in traditional Indigenous clothing for a church event, which stirred conflicting emotions of pride and unease.
These early encounters with purity culture and the erasure of our Maya heritage left a lasting impression, highlighting the complex interplay between religious teachings, cultural identity, and the need for acceptance within the community. As I grew older, the effects of purity culture manifested in a profound internal struggle. I felt wrong for questioning the belief system and witnessed a disturbing double standard regarding gender roles and abusive behaviors.
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“Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment.”
— Cindy Luquin
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The impact of purity culture led me to suppress my true identity and creative expression as a queer bisexual person. It burdened me with shame and guilt, leading to physical manifestations and a strategy of “faking” illness to avoid attending church. Only later did I realize that these feelings were genuine, rooted in the anxiety I felt about the constraints imposed on me.
In my early 20s, the pivotal experience of moving away to college granted me the freedom to explore my true identity and embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, I proudly identify as a spiritual queer person, reconnecting with my Maya heritage and embracing the wisdom of Maya cosmology, which values earth, medicine, and nature.
Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment. This process has instilled in me a sense of responsibility to support and guide others as a queer elder and educator, free from judgment.
Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.
No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.
There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.
What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.
These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.
Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.
Misconceptions and stigma
One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.
In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.
Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.
Exploring non-monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.
If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.
1. Communicate openly
Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.
2. Practice safe sex
Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.
3. Stop shame
Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.
While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.
If your kids are anything like I was as a tween, protesting going to the “birds and the bees” talk proclaiming that they “already know everything” when it comes to menstrual and sexual health (or if your child’s school or community center does not offer sex education), you’re going to need to call in some backup. It can be difficult to have a discussion with your teen or tween on reproductive health who might be getting a lot of sex education from social media, and sometimes having a conversation starter can be helpful.
Reproductive health books can be a great way to do that, especially if your teen is going through something that you didn’t necessarily go through at their age — for example, coming out as queer or nonbinary. There are some books we selected as resources for young teens who are about to start or just started their menstrual cycle and want to feel more comfortable in their bodies, and for older teens who are curious about sex and their sexuality. A couple of these books are written by doctors, therapists, and sexual health editors who want to reach young people and help them better understand their reproductive and sexual wellness.
Parents, teachers, and mentors, update your personal stack by having these reproductive health books ready for your teen whenever they’re ready to pick them up.
‘Love Your Body’ by Jessica Sanders
Love Your Body may be your tween’s first introduction to knowing more about, understanding, and accepting their body as it is. This is key to them stepping into puberty and eventually into their sexuality. Pick it up for tweens between ages 10 and 13.
‘Welcome to Your Period’ by Yumi Stynes and Dr. Melissa Kang
Your child’s menstrual education class may have only lasted 30 minutes, and they may have many more questions about what a period is like, even if they’ve already started theirs. That’s where tag team authors Yumi Stynes and Dr. Melissa Kang come in. They’ve written this comprehensive menstruation guide, Welcome to Your Period, and also have newer books that have come out, including Welcome to Consent, if your teen responds well to the period book.
‘Let’s Talk About Down There’ by Dr. Jennifer Lincoln
If your teen hasn’t had that first visit to the OB/GYN yet, there are a lot of things they want a medical professional’s opinion on. Dr. Jennifer Lincoln has a warm but powerful social media presence, and is the perfect doctor for the job. Her book Let’s Talk About Down There answers questions like “Can I Get Pregnant on My Period?” and more, including an introduction to understanding the intricate workings of the vulva and reproductive system.
‘The Pride Guide’ by Jo Langford
Therapist and sexual health educator Jo Langford put together one of the first LGBTQ+-inclusive puberty books. The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth gets into queer sex education, body image and changes, coming out, and dating for queer teens (which, by the way, is about 1 in 4 teenagers, according to CDC data.) This is an important book for teachers and librarians to keep on their shelves in case students haven’t come out or don’t plan to come out to parents or family members.
‘Life Isn’t Binary’ by Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi
Especially if you have a teen who is figuring out their gender identity, it’s a great idea to read nonbinary authors’ Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi’s book, Life Isn’t Binary. Make it a parent/teen book club so you can both discuss what it means to live outside the gender binary. It’ll really stretch both of your brains to think about how nonbinary thinking can apply to other areas of life, too.
‘Decolonizing the Body’ by Kelsey Blackwell
Decolonizing the Body is another groundbreaking book that would be more appropriate for older teens. It acknowledges the reality that around 8 in 10 Black women go through some sort of trauma in their lives. This book by Kelsey Blackwell is designed to help young people of color to connect to the body using somatic practices.
Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.
Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.
Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.
While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.
Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.
Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.
Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.
Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.
While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.
“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”
It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.
What purity culture messages look like
Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.
Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.
These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.
How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality
Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.
Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.
Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”
Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:
Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
Feeling afraid to take risks.
Losing connection to playfulness.
Difficulties with orgasm.
Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.
5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure
Give yourself the time you need to really heal
Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.
Feel your damn feelings
When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”
Resource yourself and find community
Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.
“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”
Seek professional help
“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.
Practice conscious masturbation
Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!
It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.
Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.
She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.
In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.
“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”
For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.
UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.
California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.
The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.
The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”
In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.
But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.
She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.
“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”
A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.
Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.
Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.
In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.
“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”
Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.
“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”
The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.
In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”
While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.
“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”
Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.
“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”
For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.
“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”
And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.
“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”
Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy, intimate relationship. It’s where people display their love and affection for each other in a physically intimate way. But what happens when the sex isn’t great? When one spouse isn’t feeling satisfied or is left underwhelmed? It can be a tough topic to bring up but good sex it’s crucial for any relationship to work. Here are some ways you can talk to your spouse about the intimacy not satisfying your needs while maintaining open and honest communication.
Figure Out What’s Missing
The first step is to identify what specifically isn’t working for you. Is it a lack of emotional connection, intimacy, or physical pleasure? By figuring out what isn’t working, you can approach the conversation with your spouse clearly and confidently.
Be Direct but Tactful
Confronting your partner about subpar sex can be uncomfortable for both parties, but it’s essential to address the issue head-on if you’re not satisfied. In order to do so tactfully, without attacking or blaming your partner, it is best to use “I” statements. In a problem-solving context, “I” statements are a non-judgmental way to frame the conversation. For example, “I don’t feel satisfied sexually” or “I would like us to be more intimate.” By using “I” statements like “I notice we aren’t connecting as well as we used to in the bedroom, and I wonder how we can make things better,” the conversation can be framed as a problem-solving exercise rather than something to be ashamed of. In this way, you avoid blame and your partner is able to understand the impact of their actions on you.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement can go a long way in boosting your sexual connection with your partner. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, focus on what is. Give your partner specific examples of things they do that you enjoy and ask them to do more of that. For example, “I love when you touch me like that, and it really turns me on. Can we do more of that next time?” Positive reinforcement is a great way to build your partner’s confidence in the bedroom and motivate them to keep trying new things.
Talk About Your Needs and Desires
Another way to broach the subject of unsatisfying sex is to talk about your needs and desires. Often, couples struggle to communicate openly about what they want in bed, which can lead to disappointment and frustration. Make sure to communicate your needs clearly and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Understanding your partner’s desires and preferences can help you both achieve greater sexual satisfaction. Find out what arouses your partner and work on fulfilling that longing desire.
Offer Solutions
If you’re in a sexual rut, trying new things together can be a great way to reignite the flame. Come up with suggestions to add spice to your sex life. Share your fantasies with each other, and brainstorm ways to make them a reality. Whether it’s exploring new positions or experimenting with toys, introducing new elements into your sex life can be a fun, exciting way to deepen your connection with your partner. Ask your partner to suggest new ways you can both enjoy sex more. If you can’t get to a solution, consider seeing a sex therapist for guidance.
Seek Professional Help if Necessary
If you’ve tried everything and still can’t seem to get your sexual connection back on track, seeking professional help could be an option worth considering. A sex therapist can provide unbiased, expert advice on how to improve your sex life and help you and your partner overcome any obstacles that may be hindering your connection. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help — sometimes, a fresh, professional perspective is all you need to get your sexual relationship back on track.
Intimacy is an essential part of a relationship, and if it’s not adequately addressed, it can affect the bond between partners. Talking to your spouse may be daunting, but it’s essential to approach it with love and respect while highlighting your needs and concerns. Be prepared to listen and offer solutions that work for both of you. Remember that it’s a journey towards better intimacy and emotional bonding. And if the conversation doesn’t go as planned, it’s perfectly okay to ask for guidance from a therapist. The most crucial thing after the conversation is to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let the conversation be a one-time event, but rather a starting point for a regular conversation and improvement of your intimacy.
Most people will hear “ruined orgasm,” which are sometimes referred to as “spoiled orgasms” and assume they’re not in for a good time. But, for some people, messing up orgasms during partnered and solo sex when they’re just about to get going, is the hottest thing going.
Ruined orgasms are exactly what they sound like. You aim towards an orgasm, and then spoil it before it can fully materialise. There are some similarities with edging, which is the practice of stopping an orgasm just before it happens and repeatedly edging towards it before allowing yourself to climax. Only, with a ruined orgasm, that eventual satisfaction never comes. It’s all about leaving yourself/your partner without the satisfaction of actually orgasming.
Orgasms are great. They feel earth-shattering in a good way when executed right. So, why on earth would anyone want theirs ruined, you ask?
Why ruin your orgasm?
Well, sex educator Emme Witt who runs the sex newsletter Sugar Cubed, says it’s all about control, and “consensual force,” which is pretty hot to some people. Those who enjoy practising BDSM in their sex lives may take on the roles of ‘sub’ (submissive) and ‘dom’ (dominant) to heighten their pleasure experiences and play with power in the bedroom in a consensual way. Often, this can look like the dom setting the sub a particular set of rules they must abide by, or agreeing to only take part in certain sex acts when the dom says it’s okay to. The dom gets pleasure from having these rules followed, and the sub experiences pleasure by, well, submitting.
“There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”
Witt says playing with ruined orgasms falls perfectly into this type of power exploration in BDSM. “Ruined orgasms can be a way [for a dominant to play by] letting a submissive know that they have been promised an orgasm in reward for [following orders], but just when they think they’ll be experiencing an ecstatic release, the dominant is going to ruin that pleasure.” She adds that for those with a humiliation kink, ruined orgasms can be a great time as the feeling can be degrading.
Of course, this is all pre-negotiated before sex starts and safe words are in place to avoid anyone getting hurt (you can read all about this process and how to do it properly here).
Chris, who works in advertising, tells Mashable he enjoys ruined orgasms because the appeal can be “split into the physical sensation and the emotional/psychological dynamic. Physically, I enjoy the build-up, and the repeated edging that usually accompanies a ruined orgasm scenario. There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”
He also says it pairs well with other aspects of submission and masochism, which he finds appealing, such as “Giving someone else control over my pleasure; watching them get off on the control; the skill, precision, knowledge and communication between us that it takes to ruin an orgasm properly; and just being denied the thing I want most sexually at that critical moment.”
It also leaves him “incredibly horny and needy” and wanting to have sex again straight away, which is fun!
So is a ruined orgasm basically no orgasm at all?
Sexologist Lilith Foxx says “essentially, the body continues with the physical reactions of ejaculation and/or muscular contractions of orgasm, but because the follow through of sensation is abruptly stopped, the emotional and physical ‘release’ does not occur.”
While there might not be a “proper” orgasm, there is “a loss of control, coupled with the release of endorphins, oxytocin, and other hormones that lead to the receiver experiencing increased euphoria, vulnerability, and ‘submission’ to the giver” which, for some people, is as satisfying as an orgasm.
After all, orgasms aren’t the be-all-or-end-all of sex. They shouldn’t be our sole goal during sex; pleasure should.
How are ruined orgasms different from forced orgasms or edging?
A forced orgasm is consensually forcing someone to have an orgasm quickly, either by masturbating them, demanding they masturbate themselves (again, this is all with explicit pre-agreed consent, safe words, and boundaries) or using a vibrator on them.
Edging, also known as orgasm control, is a sexual technique where you maintain a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period without reaching climax. It is in the same “family” of activities as ruined and forced orgasms, but it works differently.
All of these acts involve orgasm control, but they differ in their outcomes. Edging aims to increase orgasm intensity, forced orgasms force people to orgasm quickly, while a ruined orgasm deliberately reduces it.
While they’re not the same, they can be used together for an extra kinky night.
Are there any risks involved with ruined orgasms?
Lilith Foxx notes that, sometimes, feelings of intensity, vulnerability, frustration, and insecurity can occur during ruined orgasm play due to the sudden loss or reduction in sexual stimulation and attention. “The receiver might feel emotionally activated and could even cry,” she warns.
Just like with all types of play, the giver should be prepared to provide aftercare and ensure that the receiver feels emotionally safe and comforted. Lilith Foxx says this might even be needed later on, as not all people will have an immediate reaction. “These feelings can come days or even weeks after.”
How do I get started with ruined orgasm?
Ruined orgasms are really not for everyone. As Witt says, ruining someone’s orgasm isn’t the same as pulling out a pair of fur-lined handcuffs and playing around with a riding crop or a little bondage in bed. They work best for people who enjoy punishment and/or or sub/dom roles during sex.
If you or your partner has enjoyed another kind of punishment-based BDSM play before, it might be that ruined orgasms are for you. In this case, Witt says you must communicate with your partner before, after and during the entire encounter. “Partners really need to be on the same page with the desire to delve into this territory,” she says.
She recommends watching skilled kinksters and sex workers carry out ruined orgasms in ethical videos, or taking a class from a kink workshop, to make sure you go into this sort of play with as much knowledge as possible.
As with any sexual activity, communication is key. Lilith Foxx says it’s important to discuss comfort levels, boundaries, safe words, and how you might signal when you’re about to climax. “One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request. This signals to them that you are about to climax and plays with the power dynamic, but doesn’t feel so ‘clinical’ in application,” she says.
“One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request.”
Chris adds the excitement of ruined orgasms is all in the build-up. While it’s best to discuss ruined orgasms beforehand for consent exchanges and boundary discussion, that conversation can also be really sexy.
“The verbal teasing, the exploration of different options/scenarios and the period of self-denial for days leading up to it can make a ruined orgasm exponentially hotter,” he says, noting that ruined orgasm can also be hot during manual and oral sex rather than just focusing on penis-in-vagina sex, and also marries well with other kinks like anal sex or pegging.
Once you’re ready to get going, Foxx says the simplest method is to to stop or significantly reduce stimulation just as you or your partner near climax. The giver can try adding in words to play up the situation as well, like “Nope! You haven’t earned your orgasm” just as they stop stimulation entirely.
And there you have it, a kinky ruined orgasm that leaves one of you with the power and one of you feeling unfulfilled and gagging for more. Hot.
Young people do not fall into neat categories of race, sexual orientation or gender identity. Research into LGBTQ mental health must take that into account
Our youth are in a mental health crisis. Young people describe steadily increasing sadness, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. These mental health challenges are greater for youth who hold marginalized identities that include sexual orientation, gender identity or race or ethnicity. Near-constant exposure to traumatizing media and news stories, such as when Black youth watch videos of people who look like them being killed or when transgender youth hear multiple politicians endorse and pass laws that deny their very existence, compounds these disparities.
But young people do not fall into neat categories of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or gender identity. They reject antiquated norms and societal expectations, especially around gender and sexuality. Yet most research on people in this group, especially on LGBTQ youth, does not fully account for how they identify themselves. Approaching research as though sex is binary and gender is exact leads to incomplete data. This mistake keeps us from creating the best possible mental health policies and programs.
We need to collect robust data on specific populations of LGBTQ young people to better understand the unique risks they face, such as immigration concerns that Latinx youth may have that others may not. We can also better understand factors that uphold well-being, such as how family support affects Black trans and nonbinary youth.
LGBTQ young people of color, including those who identify in more nuanced ways than either gay or lesbian, are more likely to struggle with their mental health than their white LGBTQ counterparts. As researchers, if we can equip ourselves with this information about their unique needs and experiences, we can create intervention strategies that support the mental health of every LGBTQ young person rather than attempting to apply a “broad strokes” approach that assumes what works for one group must work for all.
As director of research science at the Trevor Project, the premier suicide prevention organization for LGBTQ youth, I lead projects that examine LGBTQ young people and their mental health in an intersectional way, accounting for the many facets of their identities and how society and culture influence how they value themselves. I and my colleagues conduct studies with groups of people who are geographically diverse and gender- and race-diverse to understand what drives mental health distress in a way that allows us to address specific needs in different populations. For advocates trying to improve mental health outcomes, this means they must consider stigma, how it turns into victimization, discrimination, and rejection and how it disproportionately affects people who hold multiple marginalized identities.
Our 2023 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ Young People, for example, found that LGBTQ youth with multiple marginalized identities reported greater suicide risk, compared with their peers who did not have more than one marginalized identity. To learn this, we asked young people demographic questions about race/ethnicity, sexual orientation and gender identity amid a battery of assessments. Based on survey questions about mental health and suicide risk, we’ve found that nearly one in five transgender or nonbinary young people (18 percent) attempted suicide in the past year, compared with nearly one in 10 cisgender young people whose sexual orientation was lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, asexual or questioning (8 percent). Among almost all groups of LGBTQ young people of color, the rates of those who said they had attempted suicide—22 percent of Indigenous youth, 18 percent of Middle Eastern/Northern African youth, 16 percent of Black youth, 17 percent of multiracial youth and 15 percent of Latinx youth—were higher than that of white LGBTQ youth (11 percent). And youth who identified as pansexual attempted suicide at a significantly higher rate than lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual and questioning youth.
The majority of research exploring LGBTQ young people’s mental health does not have the sample size to do subgroup analyses in this way or, in rare cases, opts to unnecessarily aggregate findings (such as when bisexual young people are not analyzed separately despite representing the majority of the LGBTQ population). Our recruitment goals are set on finding enough people in harder-to-reach groups, such as Black transgender and nonbinary young people, and not to simply have a high overall sample size. In doing so, we are able to analyze findings specific to each group and also ensure these findings reach a wide audience. However, just as other researchers, when we are unable to collect enough data for subgroups to appropriately power our analyses, we do not publish those findings.
What we hope is that people working in small community settings can design targeted prevention programs. For example, an organization that aims to improve well-being among Latinx LGBTQ young people can also provide appropriate support for immigration laws and policies because immigration issues feed into mental health. Or an organization focused on family and community support among Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders can also focus on LGBTQ young people. The data we have gathered can informed services at organizations such as Desi Rainbow Parents & Allies, National Black Justice Coalition (NBJC) and the Ali Forney Center, among others.
Researchers must be intentional about which aspects of sexual orientation and gender identity are most relevant to the questions they are trying to answer when designing their studies. They must use survey items closely matched to those categories. Researchers must find a balance between nuance and analytic utility—allowing young people to describe their own identities in addition to using categorical descriptors. This can look like including open-ended questions or longer lists of identity options. Taking steps like these are critical for collecting and analyzing data that reflect the multitudes of this diverse group of young people. I urge researchers to apply an intersectional lens to their work and public health officials and youth-serving organizations to tailor services and programming to meet the unique needs of all young people. That’s because a “one-size-fits-all” approach has never and will never work when the goal is to save lives.
IF YOU NEED HELP
If you or someone you know is struggling or having thoughts of suicide, help is available. Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or use the online Lifeline Chat. LGBTQ+ Americans can reach out to the Trevor Project by texting START to 678-678 or calling 1-866-488-7386.
The first time Isabel and her husband did MDMA together, they were at Burning Man, just a couple of weeks before their wedding. It was a profound experience.
“It was like being seen for the first time for who we really were because it allows you to be super vulnerable and allows you to share these deep parts of yourself without fear of being judged,” said Isabel.
“I felt like we got married out there.”
She and her husband Joseph, both physicians in their 40s who live in British Columbia, have been together for 15 years. VICE News has changed their names to protect their privacy because MDMA is illegal. They don’t use drugs often—the Burning Man trip, 11 years ago, was Joseph’s first time taking MDMA. These days their trips look pretty different from a festival. Once a year, they get a babysitter for their two kids, rent a room at a resort and take the psychedelic to work through conflicts in their relationships.
“We wind up spending a night and just pushing through about six months worth of marriage crap all at once,” Joseph said. “You’re just kind of a different couple on the other side of it. It’s very interesting.”
Because of Isabel’s training in using both ketamine and MDMA for therapeutic reasons, the couple generally trips on their own while going through their issues. But they’ve also had a guided trip with an underground therapist who serves people under the influence of psychedelics. They’re part of a growing number of couples who are adding psychedelics to their couples’ therapy experiences.
Psychedelics are having a renaissance, with substances like ketamine, psilocybin (the active ingredient in magic mushrooms), and MDMA being studied and used to treat issues like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, drug addiction, and end-of-life anxiety. While MDMA remains illegal in the U.S. and Canada, last year the nonprofit group Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) completed a second phase-three trial on using the drug as PTSD treatment and is expecting the Food and Drug Administration to evaluate its findings in 2023, potentially approving it for people with the disorder. In the meantime, MAPS and other groups already offer training in psychedelic-assisted therapy, while some therapists are already adding ketamine to their services because it’s legal. Others are offering discreet therapy sessions using illegal drugs. And both underground and above ground practitioners told VICE News demand is growing among couples who think psychedelics could help them take on their issues.
“I tell my couples, ‘Look, this is not a magic pill. It’s an assist.’ And I would say that if they’re willing to do the work, it expedites forgiveness,” said Jayne Gumpel, a Woodstock, New York-based clinical social worker who has treated around 150 couples using ketamine.
Some of them have recommitted to each other after being on the brink of divorce, she said.
Gumpel also offers group retreats for couples; private sessions run for $200 an hour, while four-day retreats are $1,850 a person on a sliding scale. She said people often choose partners who provoke their defences or trigger trauma for their childhood, but they don’t necessarily realize it. While using ketamine, she said people’s defences are lowered and they’re less attached to the idea that their side of the story is correct.
“When the person who’s listening learns how to hold that space and not get reactive…what happens is the person who’s sharing their frustration about messiness starts to talk about their childhood when their mother was alcoholic and the house was a mess and they took it upon themselves to have to be the one to keep things organized. And that’s how she felt safe,” Gumpel explained. “All of a sudden, the partner who feels ragged on because he’s sloppy has empathy for the person who’s complaining to him about it.
“It’s like a magical moment when they’re now understanding they have consciousness of this pattern they’re stuck in,” she added.
Recently, Isabel said she and Joseph had a similar revelation, where she told him about “something really horrible” that happened to her as a child.
“It was one of those moments in the relationship where you’re like, ‘Oh, that explains 40 percent of what I’ve been wondering about you for 15 years,” Joseph said, adding that it gave context to questions he had about her relationship with her family. During other sessions, they’ve cried, and even vomited.
Dr. Reid Robison, chief clinical officer at Numinus, a mental health care company that provides ketamine-assisted therapy to couples in the U.S. and Canada, said having one partner supporting the other as they work through trauma can be a powerful bonding experience.
“We can identify the barriers that we have to love in ourselves, and then we can just do it so much more freely in our partnership.” Numinus charges around $300 for dosing sessions, but typically a person also has integration sessions afterwards to talk about what they learned.
Robison said whether a person is using MDMA or ketamine, the drugs help people in “turning towards each other” instead of turning away. He’s even seen it work with people going through a divorce, helping them to get over old wounds so that they can co-parent better.
Isabel and Joseph have put up signs in their home that say “turn towards”—gentle reminders that they’ve put in place to integrate the lessons they’ve learned while on MDMA. She said they’ve managed to break a pattern where she would complain about something, and he would withdraw, causing her to also pull away.
Both of them said doing MDMA, which boosts a person’s levels of dopamine and serotonin (neurotransmitters that impact pleasure and sexual desire), has also greatly improved their sex life.
“We had a good sex life, but now we have an amazing sex life,” Isabel said, noting they’ll typically put in five hours of work on their relationship before having sex during one of their resort stays. “It really allowed us to explore breathing together and doing all these like deepening, like soul connection things.”
Joseph said he considers MDMA a medicine, not a drug, and that it should be legally available to people. In fact, it was legal and used for couples therapy in the 1970s and 1980s, before being designated a Schedule I drug in 1985, meaning the government determined it had no medical use and a high potential for abuse. Early reports found that it was useful in navigating relationship issues and communication.
Depending on what happens with the FDA’s evaluation of MAPS’ study, it may soon be available for people with PTSD.
Robison said that could open the door for it being allowed to be used for people with other issues, though it’ll be a slow process. He said people with PTSD can also struggle with relationships or have depression and anxiety, though, so “there are ripple effects to their healing work that will be felt in their partnerships.”
He said more research is needed on the impact of psychedelics on couples and he expects to see more therapists wanting to work with it in the years to come.
It’s taken a long time. But there is finally a growing awareness of the importance of discussing health issues openly and honestly.
By Northern Life
A lot of men shy away from discussing their health concerns because of social stigmas and embarrassment. Sometimes it’s because they simply don’t know where to turn for help. Addressing these issues openly and providing the necessary information and support is crucial.
Testicular Cancer
Testicular cancer is another health issue that often goes unaddressed due to embarrassment or fear. However, early detection is crucial for successful treatment and improved outcomes. It happens when abnormal cells develop in the testicles.
Common symptoms include a painless lump or swelling in one or both testicles. You might notice a feeling of heaviness in the scrotum or that your testicles have changed shape or weight. These symptoms can also be caused by other conditions, it’s true, but you need to talk to a doctor if you notice any of them.
Regular self-examinations are recommended. By familiarizing themselves with the normal size, shape, and weight of their testicles, men can quickly identify any changes or abnormalities. If a lump or other concerning symptoms are noticed, it is crucial to consult a doctor promptly.
While the topic of testicular cancer may be uncomfortable to discuss, early detection and treatment can significantly improve the chances of a full recovery. Men should prioritize their health by raising awareness and openly discussing this issue.
Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile Dysfunction (ED) affects a significant number of men, but it remains shrouded in silence. ED refers to the inability to achieve or maintain an erection sufficient for sexual intercourse. It can stem from various factors, including physical, psychological, or lifestyle-related causes. It’s normal to have trouble getting or maintaining an erection sometimes. But persistent problems can have a significant impact.
One common physical cause of ED is the restricted blood flow to the penis. Diabetes, high blood pressure, or cardiovascular disease can be potential causes. You might also suffer from ED if you are dealing with stress, anxiety, or depression. It’s probably not too surprising to learn that smoking, drinking too much booze, and not having an active lifestyle can increase the risk of developing it.
The first step in addressing ED is to have an open conversation with a healthcare professional. Doctors can help identify the underlying causes and recommend appropriate treatment options.
It is essential to recognize that ED is a treatable condition. By breaking the silence and seeking medical assistance, men can regain control over their sexual health and improve their overall well-being. If you want to learn more about treatments for ED, then you can check out what’s available at The Independent Pharmacy. They are a regulated online pharmacy that can help you find the right prescription and over-the-counter treatment.
Mental Health
Societal expectations that encourage men to be stoic and tough can create barriers to seeking help. However, mental health issues can affect anyone. It doesn’t matter what your gender is.
Depression, anxiety, and stress are widespread right now. Men need to understand that seeking help for these kinds of issues is a sign of strength. Mental health professionals are trained to provide support and guidance in managing these conditions. There’s therapy, medication, or a combination of both. Lifestyle changes such as regular exercise, healthy eating, and practicing stress-reducing techniques like meditation or mindfulness can also help to
By breaking the silence surrounding mental health and seeking appropriate support, men can effectively manage their mental health conditions and lead fulfilling lives.
Prostate Health
Prostate health is a critical aspect of men’s overall well-being. But it can be so tough for people to talk about it openly. Prostate cancer is the most common cancer among men, and it is essential to address it openly. Early detection is crucial for successful treatment and improved outcomes. However, the fear, stigma, or lack of awareness surrounding prostate cancer can discourage men from discussing it or seeking regular screenings.
Regular prostate screenings are recommended for men over the age of 50. You should get one earlier if you have a family history of prostate cancer. These screenings can help detect any abnormalities in the prostate gland and identify potential cancerous cells.
By breaking the silence and openly discussing prostate health, men can become proactive in monitoring their prostate health, addressing any concerns, and seeking timely medical intervention when necessary. Open conversations and awareness about prostate health can help save lives and ensure a better quality of life for men as they age.
Sexual Health And STDs
Sexual health is integral to overall well-being, and men should prioritize discussions about it. Safe sexual practices and regular check-ups can help prevent and detect sexually transmitted diseases. They also mean that you can enjoy an active sexual life.
Engaging in unprotected sexual activity or having multiple sexual partners can increase your risk of catching something. Open and honest communication with sexual partners about sexual health is essential. Discussing sexual history, STD testing, and using barrier methods such as condoms can help reduce the risk of contracting or spreading STDs. Regular STD testing is recommended, especially after engaging in unprotected sexual activity or changing sexual partners.
If diagnosed with an STD, it is crucial to seek prompt medical treatment and inform any sexual partners to prevent further transmission. A lot of STDs can be treated with antibiotics or antiviral medications. Additionally, healthcare providers can offer guidance on preventive measures, safe sexual practices, and regular screenings.
Men can reduce the stigma surrounding STDs, increase awareness, and take necessary precautions to protect themselves and their partners by promoting open conversations about sexual health,
Substance Abuse And Addiction
Substance abuse and addiction are significant health concerns that affect men disproportionately. Societal expectations and pressures can sometimes lead men to turn to substances such as alcohol, tobacco, or drugs as coping mechanisms, as we saw a lot during the pandemic. There can be serious mental and physical consequences when any of those substances are abused.
Breaking the silence surrounding substance abuse and addiction is essential. Men should be encouraged to seek support. There are treatment options out there, from counseling to detox and rehab programmes.
Men can smash the stigma associated with seeking help and create a supportive environment for those struggling with these issues when they talk about them. Addiction is a treatable condition, and men can embark on a journey towards recovery and regain control over their lives with the right support,
Wrapping It Up
Addressing the health issues men often avoid discussing is crucial for their well-being. By breaking the silence and encouraging discussions about these topics, men can take control of their health, seek appropriate medical assistance, and lead healthier, fulfilling lives. Remember, it’s time to break the barriers and prioritize men’s health through open dialogue and support. There is no such thing as an embarrassing health concern. And you might just be amazed by how much better you feel once you start talking.
It’s taken a long time. But there is finally a growing awareness of the importance of discussing health issues openly and honestly. The idea of “embarrassing” health problems is being challenged more and more frequently. But some topics still get swept under the carpet, especially when it comes to men’s health.
A lot of men shy away from discussing their health concerns because of social stigmas and embarrassment. Sometimes it’s because they simply don’t know where to turn for help. Addressing these issues openly and providing the necessary information and support is crucial.
It found that same-sex sexual behaviour among monkeys made them better friends, and more likely to back each other up in conflicts.
A new study, published in Nature Ecology & Evolution, focused on 236 males within a wild colony of 1,700 rhesus macaques on a Puerto Rican island over three years.
The findings suggest that “same-sex sexual behaviours” (SSB) have evolved and could be a common feature of primate reproduction, challenging beliefs that this is rare in non-human animals.
More specifically, with all social mountings of the 236 males recorded (male-on-male and male-on-female), 72 per cent engaged in same-sex mounting compared with 46 per cent different-sex mounting.
Jackson Clive, from Imperial’s Georgina Mace Centre for the Living Planet, who worked on the study, said they found “most males were behaviourally bisexual”.
He added: “Variation in same-sex activity was heritable. This means that the behaviour can have an evolutionary underpinning: for example, we also found that males that mounted each other were also more likely to back each other up in conflicts. Perhaps this could be one of many social benefits to same-sex sexual activity.”
He hoped the results would encourage further discoveries.
Lead researcher, professor Vincent Savolainen, said their mission was to “advance scientific understanding of same-sex behaviour, including exploring the benefits it brings to nature and within animal societies”.
Same-sex behaviour ‘benefits’ societies
He highlighted how “more than two-thirds displayed same-sex behaviour and this strengthened the bonds within the community”.
The professor went on: “Unfortunately, there is still a belief among some people that same-sex behaviour is unnatural, and some countries sadly still enforce the death penalty for homosexuality.
“Our research shows that same-sex behaviour is in fact widespread among non-human animals.”
“Our mission is to advance scientific understanding of same-sex behaviour, including exploring the benefits it brings to nature and within animal societies.”
SSB has been observed in thousands of different animals. There are a range of theories as to why but little data to support any of them.
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