— As research shows that more people are sexing their way through their seventies than ever before, WH unpicks why the thought of the older generation getting their kicks makes people so uncomfortable

By Paisley Gilmour

As Richard* reaches for the massage oil, Belle assumes her position facedown on the bed. Spreading the warm liquid across her shoulders, his hands slowly creep down her body – taking extra care over her aching lower back.

Unable to resist any longer, she gently turns onto her front, spreads her legs and allows him to pleasure her until an orgasm ripples through her body.

‘When Richard has taken Viagra, I know he’ll be able to go for hours. So, once I come back down to earth, I reach for the lube and climb on top. My hips may not move as smoothly as they used to, but that doesn’t stop us climaxing.’

This is the sixth time 70-year-old Belle* and Richard, 85, who she met on a dating site 18 months ago, have had sex this week. And they’re far from alone: research has been telling us – for years, actually – that seniors are sexing their way through their seventies – and beyond.

A leading 2015 study funded by Age UK and carried out by researchers at The University of Manchester found that 54% of men and 31% of women over the age of 70 were still “sexually active”. A third were having sex at least twice a month. One 2018 survey by the University of Michigan also found that 40% of people between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying they still get down to it, while a further Swedish study in 2021 revealed that 10% of those over 90 were even having sex.

A Swedish study revealed that 10% of those over 90 were still having sex.

Clearly, the data shows that older people aren’t just having sex, but also (whisper it) enjoying it – but then, why shouldn’t they? Beyond the fact we’re living longer and lots of older adults have better access to sex-life saving healthcare and medication, many seniors looking for love or sex after divorce or the death of a spouse, have (contrary to the technophobe stereotype) also embraced the internet.

One 2021 US survey found more than a third of respondents over 55 had dated within the last five years, with 13% using dating apps or websites, and 7% turning to social media to meet someone. Psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor says the sex positivity and sexual wellness movement over the past decade has played an empowering part, and has noticed an increase in older people coming to therapy to explore their sexuality.

‘Many are finding the courage, after a lifetime of being repressed, to bring to life their buried authentic sexual selves,’ she says. ‘The joy of sexual liberation that our society affords is available to all and older people are grasping it with both hands before time literally runs out.’

Many younger people hold strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of senior sex

Yet even with this positive shift amongst older generations, many younger ones have long held strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of older people having sex. ‘Can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches?’ said one viral Vice article titled “Old People Having Sex Is Gross” back in 2012.

Ten years later, the idea still leads to recoiling as shown in May this year when ABC announced a seniors-focused spinoff of the hit series The Bachelor, called The Golden Bachelor, where ‘one hopeless romantic is given a second chance at love in the search for a partner with whom to share the sunset years of life’. Fans of the OG show were quick to share their mocking reactions on Instagram, with comments ranging from ‘No. No. No.’ to, ‘Does this mean old folks? You guys…be for real’.

So why is it that eight years after Age UK’s landmark study, which lead researcher Dr. David Lee hoped would ‘counter stereotypes and misconceptions about late-life sexuality’ are people still weirded out by the thought of older people having good sex?

Exploring the senior sex taboo

Noor argues there’s an outright refusal that older folks are sexual beings, despite the research proving otherwise. ‘We’re discussing it more, but many feel uncomfortable about senior sex because we de-sexualise adults as they age,’ she says. ‘Referring to them in a sexual way becomes strangely repulsive.’

Joan Price, author of the Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex agrees it’s down to The Ick Factor. ‘Like, ‘Eww, old people having sex? That’s disgusting. No, don’t tell me la la la,’’ she says. After losing her husband at 57, Price is now 79 and enjoying her sex life. She believes the taboo is rooted in society’s wider fear of getting older and our mortality.

‘People have been taught growing up, and through the media, that they will only be sexually desirable if they use certain products, dress a certain way, and act a certain way [at a certain age]. That’s harmful.’

67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media

Indeed, a study by Relate found that 67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media. ‘When I went looking for books [about senior sex] it was doom and gloom,’ says Price, adding it felt like the world was saying ‘‘just give it up and crochet or play with grandchildren”. But sexual pleasure has no expiration date!’

Alyson*, 68, who’s been married for 36 years and has sex with her husband, Omar*, 67, twice a week, empathises with younger peoples’ anxieties about getting older. ‘There are many preconceptions: the doddery grandma is patronised and laughed at; her opinions are old fashioned – I think it’s all linked to a loss of respect for older people, like they’re not important, not visible or a nuisance,’ she says. ‘But I absolutely understand [the reaction] as young people don’t want to think about themselves as getting there too.’

“Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible”

Entrenched beauty standards have also bolstered the perception. ‘Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible,’ adds Belle. ‘Like two fat lumps of wrinkled flesh in the bed together. I think people think [sex] is meant to be a thing for young women and men. I don’t think my sons want to encounter being told anything about my sex life – and I don’t discuss it with them – but young people should know it can still be a huge amount of fun.’ And, importantly, with health benefits, too.

The joy of senior sex

Two years after his research was published, Lee teamed up with Professor Josie Tetley from Manchester Metropolitan University and after analysing findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, they discovered a clear link between positive sexual health and intimacy later in life, and better subjective well-being. A separate study published in the Journal Sexual Medicine in 2019 echoed these findings: participants with an average age of 65, who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months, were found to have better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.

‘When we experience pleasure and orgasm, the body releases endorphins that can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, and improve our cognitive functioning,’ explains Noor. ‘These are particularly important in our senior years.’

“The health benefits generated from orgasm release are particularly important in our older years”

Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual therapist for online menopause platform Issviva, agrees that, for older people, ‘the benefits of sex may feel more important’ as our bodies age and we experience changes such as increased blood pressure. ‘Studies suggest blood pressure is lowered by physical contact, and being physically close with a romantic partner reduces C-reactive protein (CRP) which relates to inflammation,’ she says.

That said, the rise of senior sex has also brought a rise in STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, with rates among the over 60s and 70s almost doubling in the last decade. Bianca Dunne, a nurse and co-founder of sexual health app iPlaySafe says the amount of people filing for divorce in their 50s and the rise of dating apps targeting the over 50s are contributing factors. ‘The exclusion of the over 50s [in government sexual health campaigns] has also resulted in a lack of education among this age group,’ she says.

Belle, who has always taken an STI test before and after a new partner, has dated a number of older men and seen this lack of senior sex education first-hand. ‘Our generation are meeting people on dating websites regularly and having unprotected sex,’ she says. ‘There’s no fear of pregnancy. Ask a 70-year-old man to put on a condom, I think they’d laugh at you. Our generation doesn’t think about protecting their sexual health.’

Creaks between the sheets

While senior sex can come with healthy benefits – minus the STIs – there’s no denying it’s different. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A survey by sexual wellness brand LELO UK found nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives, 42% were more adventurous, and 16% even said their sex drive has increased.

‘It’s enjoyable in a different way – it doesn’t have the Olympic feats that it used to have; it’s a more quiet and gentle sex,’ says Belle, adding that being put on ‘some wonderful HRT’ during menopause was a game-changer ‘in terms of lubrication and being seriously up for it.’

Research found that nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives

Today, certain positions – missionary and woman-on-top – work better with her unstable knees, back and shoulder pain, which some days can leave her struggling to get out of bed, but the couple vowed to face any age-related problems head on.

Anything that’s failed, we laughed about and tried again. Richard has had trouble with erections since having prostate surgery but we discussed it and he went to see his GP who prescribed Viagra. It worked like magic and boosted his confidence.’

Alyson and Omar have also overcome sexual struggles including, after years of not having sex, Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man. ‘It came at a time when I felt completely undesirable and it was brief but enough to rekindle feelings about my own desire,’ she says, adding that while she didn’t tell Omar, it led to them rebooting their sexual relationship.

Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man rebooted her sexual relationship with her husband

Recently, however, Omar has struggled to maintain an erection and refuses to go to his GP. ‘It’s becoming more difficult [to have sex]. I miss the penetration.’ He’s also revealed some new desires, which Alyson isn’t as keen on. ‘He’s asked me to try pegging him. He has a strap-on, which I think he hoped I would use on him, but I won’t – that’s one of my boundaries.’

Since his erectile dysfunction, Omar has also begun collecting gadgets that might help, including butt plugs and cock rings, but they’re ‘an interruption,’ says Alyson, ‘and that can be problematic as I can fall asleep in the 10 minutes it takes to get them out.’

Despite these issues, Alyson loves having an active sex life again. ‘I enjoy orgasms and masturbating together,’ she says, recalling her favourite recent steamy moment. ‘We were on the beach, in a very isolated place, and had a lot of sex on the rocks with Omar managing to maintain his erection. That was good. I quite like outdoor sex!’

Reframing senior sex

And that’s the thing: as humans, we’re designed for sexual pleasure and, as Noor says, denying our sexual nature can hurt us in profound ways. But she also believes a larger cultural reframing towards senior sex will happen, albeit slowly, with people living and loving longer than ever. ‘As society evolves and we learn that we are sexual sensual beings who thrive off physical closeness, we will allow ourselves more permissions to seek closeness, whatever that looks like,’ she says.

Price is already on a mission to encourage this. ‘Sexual pleasure is lifelong. Is it the same as younger age sex? No. It is very different and continues to change and challenge us. But just because we’re challenged doesn’t mean we’re defeated. As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless.’

“As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless”

Lesley Carter, a registered nurse and clinical lead at Age UK agrees that a mindset shift is needed for attitudes to catch up with our increasing life span. ‘It’s about understanding that ageing brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them,’ she says.

As Belle, Alyson and research proves, a great sex life in your senior years doesn’t merely exist — it can thrive. ‘Younger people need to know there can be a continuation of a fulfilling sex life,’ says Belle. ‘It’s about your state of mind. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it, it’ll die. If you keep the spark between you, you can overcome the difficulties that come with age.’ Yes, these horny seniors have a whole lot of experience and a whole lot of untapped wisdom. Let’s stop ignoring them, and start learning from them.

*Names have been changed

Pleasure in your senior years

Advice for now – or the future – according to our experts

1. Do your communication work

‘Share your concerns, challenges and feelings,’ says Carter. ‘This might be explaining: ‘My knees hurt when we use that position, and I lose concentration’ or ‘I’m anxious about having sex because I’m self-conscious about what you think about my ageing body’. Discussing these difficulties could lead to solutions, like agreeing to try new things, or doing things differently.

2. Don’t ignore the pain

‘If you’re experiencing a new pain connected to having sex, it’s sensible [at any age] to discuss that with a healthcare professional,’ Carter says. ‘As we age, our bones, muscles and tendons get stiff and sore, so you can expect some discomfort – that’s normal. But any unfamiliar pain that worries you needs to be monitored and discussed with an expert.’

3. Do reach for the (silicone-based) lube

Vaginal dryness is common with the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen but if untreated, it can lead to irritation and painful sex in your senior years, too. ‘Using a silicone-based lube, like Durex’s silicone based lube or Boots’ own-brand silicone lube,’ advises Dunne. ‘Silicone lubes have a smooth, silky texture, so there’s no need to constantly re-apply, plus they are hypoallergenic which makes them compatible with condoms and sex toys.’

4. Don’t throw away the condoms

‘Even if you’ve experienced menopause, this doesn’t make you immune from STIs,’ says Dunne. So, yes, use a condom. ‘Make sure it doesn’t contain an ingredient that is a known irritant to you or your partner such as latex or fragrance, as this will exacerbate vaginal pain,’ adds Dunne, who recommends Durex’s Naturals Condoms and Smile Makers’ Come Connected Condomswhich are vegan.

5. Do lean on the support

‘It’s helpful if we can identify our own sexual difficulties, and do some research — there is so much information available,’ says Carter. ‘But sexual health centres can offer advice too, like discussing if a medication to treat a sexual problem may impact any other medications you’re taking.’ Age UK, National Council on Ageing, The Pelvic Hub’s Guide to Senior Sex are helpful resources, or check out Joan Price’s blog.

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