Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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How to Get Back in Touch With Your Sexual Side If You Miss It

If you haven’t felt sexy since 2019—same.

By Patia Braithwaite

It might seem strange to read a story about how to feel sexier right now. It can seem unimportant considering the pressing concerns we’re all facing. Maybe you’re worried about your health, maybe you’re concerned about clear threats to democracy, or maybe you’re overwhelmed by childcare, work, and other pandemic-related stress. If how to feel sexier is the last thing you’re worried about, it’s understandable.

“We have to normalize that if you haven’t been ‘feeling it’ over the last few months, you’re normal,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., author of What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex, tells SELF.

In fact, when facing stressful or traumatic situations, it’s natural to “go back and forth between feeling disconnected as a coping strategy,” psychologist Liz Powell, Ph.D., author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. “It can be hard to reconnect with our body because our brain is trying to keep us from feeling fear, dread, and horror.”

So no one blames you if sexiness isn’t top of mind right now (or ever—that’s perfectly valid too). But if it’s a core part of yourself that you’ve been missing or craving, tapping into that feeling can come with benefits. Yes, feeling sexier is helpful if you’d like to have sex or just be more in touch with that part of yourself, but if you’ve spent the last few months as a disembodied ball of anxiety, finding ways to embrace sensuality and sexiness might also remind you of a time before the pandemic. You could end up feeling a little more secure in your own body. It could serve as an excellent distraction from the stresses of life, and if you’re exploring sex with a partner, it could also help you feel closer to each other as a big bonus. Below, you’ll find a few tips from sex therapists to help you feel a bit sexier—if you want—right now.

1. Gauge your baseline sexual energy pre-pandemic.

Before you stress about whether or not you’ve lost your “spark,” try to remember what your sex drive and sensuality were like before, er, all of this. Often we talk about these feelings as if strong sexual desire is a default way of experiencing the world (it’s not). But before you fret too much about even your pre-pandemic sex drive not being “high enough,” try to remember that sexiness and sexuality are multifaceted, and ask yourself what you think might have contributed to feeling less sexual than you would like in the past. Maybe you’ll realize some of those factors have actually changed for the better, like if your sex drive felt “too low” before the pandemic because you were dealing with health issues or relationship challenges that aren’t a problem anymore. If your drive was sort of faint or nonexistent before, be gentle with yourself as you explore. For instance, you might read some books to help you embrace your sexuality, you might consider getting a new sex toy, or if you’re in a relationship, you could try talking to your partner about what you’re feeling. Understanding what feels “normal” for you can help you set reasonable expectations for what “feeling sexy” may look like for you in 2021 and beyond.

2. Carve out time to prioritize pleasure—and remember that it’s important for resilience.

It can be easy, with all of the obligations you’re facing, to talk yourself out of any sexual desires that might be cropping up. In fact, given the Capitol riot, ongoing pandemic, police brutality, and more, it can feel downright silly or even selfish. But it’s not. “You cannot get through the long-term effort that change requires without having times you make for pleasure and enjoyment,” Dr. Powell explains, adding that you should schedule “protected time for self-pleasure” and make it as important as work and social obligations.

3. Recognize that your body has probably changed.

Just as it’s important not to romanticize who you were before the pandemic, remember to acknowledge that a lot has changed over the last few months—and that this impacts your mind and your body. “We are not in the world we were in a year ago,” Dr. Powell says. “That means that the way your body experiences pleasure and the way that your body functions may be different right now.” If, for instance, you’ve found yourself glued to your social media feeds and news (so, most of us), it could be having an impact on your mind and body. Experiencing chronic stress—which involves fight or flight hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—can have a major impact on your libido. So if your tried-and-true ways of tuning into that side of yourself are less effective, Dr. Powell suggests you ask yourself what you need, like, “Do I have to turn off the news and get off Twitter so that my brain can calm down?” It might not directly result in you feeling sexier, but it could help minimize stress so that you can reconnect to your body.

4. Then, adopt an experimental attitude.

To do this, you can revisit things you’ve ruled out or just never considered, and let your curiosity inspire new ideas. Dr. Powell suggests asking yourself questions like, “Does it help me to watch something really steamy? Does it help me to read some erotica? Does it help me to watch some porn or take a long bubble bath?” Trying new things and creating full-blown rituals—like turning off your phone notifications, lighting a candle, and watching a really sexy movie on Netflix—might help you feel a little sexier. You can absolutely experiment on your own, but if you have a partner who is ready and willing to help you get more in touch with your sexual side, you can include them in your experimentation. If necessary, work on moving away from the idea of sex only being one particular act, Dr. Buehler says, adding that you and your partner can find ways to be sensual and affection without feeling pressure to have “full-on” sex.

5. Consider playing around with your decor.

Stay with us here! It might be hard to find ways to feel sensual when you’re spending a lot of time in your house, Dr. Buehler says. “I think that’s part of our sexuality—getting out in the world, having adventures.” Clearly, the pandemic has pressed pause on many people’s ability to safely embark upon various kinds of adventures. But you might be able to bring items into your house that excite your senses a little. If reaching for a scented candle feels like advice you’ve heard before, consider a pillow spray, new perfume, or a fragrant floral arrangement. Dr. Buehler also suggests looking at your environment and making changes like rearranging furniture (maybe that means putting your bed closer to the window so you can feel the sun even if you’re stuck inside, or removing your TV from your bedroom). You might also upgrade your bedding to a softer fabric that feels great on your skin, or you could bring in a plant—somewhere that you see it often—to spruce up your environment.

6. Wear your sexiest pre-pandemic outfit (yup, just to lounge at home).

Much the way tweaking your decor might encourage you to feel a bit sexier, dressing up can help. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to walk around in lingerie (unless you want to). Instead, you might slip on that really cute dress that makes you feel like Rihanna, even if you’re just wearing it at home. It’s not about dressing for a specific occasion. It’s about wearing something that makes you feel good. “I think it’s a good idea to look in your closet and pull something out that you feel good in, even if you feel a little silly,” Dr. Buehler says. If your go-to outfit doesn’t work that same magic—maybe it doesn’t fit like it used to or simply doesn’t make you feel hot—it might be a good time to treat yourself to a new outfit if you have the money.

7. Try yoga or other forms of exercise.

If you’re not feeling particularly sexy at the moment, Dr. Buehler suggests physical practices, like yoga or deep breathing. “It doesn’t have to be a Vinyasa yoga routine, but just doing some breathing exercises, slow movements, or connecting with your body and reminding yourself that you can feel at home in the body can help,” Dr. Buehler says. Additionally, moderate exercise, like jogging or your favorite cardio workout, might help in a lot of ways, including boosting your mood and maybe encouraging your libido, the Mayo Clinic says.

8. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your sex life.

To be fair, not feeling as in touch with your sexual side as you like may not top your list of mental health concerns. But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore it if it’s bothering you. If you feel like losing your sexual identity or having a low sex drive is part of a larger issue, or you’re experiencing this along with feelings like grief, sadness, rage, or despair, you might need some support from a health professional. Even if you think that not feeling sexy is NBD, given all of the “other things” to fret over, you might find that talking through your concerns with your primary care provider or a mental health professional has an impact on how you feel overall. And you can work directly with a sex therapist to explore some of your feelings, if possible. “Don’t feel any trepidation or shame,” Dr. Buehler says. “Sometimes just a few sessions can be really helpful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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High blood pressure may lead to sexual dysfunction in women

— Know how to deal with it

By: Arushi Bidhuri

If you have high blood pressure and experiencing troubles in your sex life, then you might want to see a doctor. Sexual dysfunction in women with hypertension is not as common as it is men. But it does affect women.

High blood pressure or hypertension is a silent disease that affects millions of people across the world. If left unnoticed, the high force of blood against the artery walls can damage blood vessels and lead to health problems.

Sexual Problems In Women With High Blood Pressure

The effects of high blood pressure in women are still under investigation. But some studies have suggested that hypertension can lead to sexual dysfunction in women.

A study published in the West African Journal of Medicine examined the relationship between hypertension and female sexual functions of arousal, lubrication and orgasm. The researchers found that hypertension may produce female sexual dysfunction.

Another 2006 study reported that women with high blood pressure were twice as likely to experience sexual dysfunction to women who had normal BP. Fluctuating blood pressure is no treat either. It can also lead to sexual problems, which is why it is vital to manage blood pressure.

Experts say that the link between high blood pressure and sexual dysfunction is more complicated than imagined. But what is the link between hypertension and sexual health?

Hypertension constricts proper blood flow, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Clitoris and vagina also need a decent blood supply, which helps you have an orgasm. With decreased blood flow due to hypertension, some women may experience a decrease in sexual desire or arousal, vaginal dryness, or find it difficult to achieve orgasm.

Women with high blood pressure may have lower libido and less interest in sex, especially if they feel tired due to the condition.

High Blood Pressure May Even Affect Female Fertility

Furthermore, studies have suggested that chronic hypertension can cause poor egg quality and lead to many health problems. A study published in the International Journal of Fertility & Sterility suggests that excess estrogen production in women with hypertension can lead to infertility.

What Can You Do To Manage High Blood Pressure

If you are suffering from hypertension and have sexual issues, then here are some strategies to help you take charge of your sex life by managing the condition.

Exercise

Regular exercise will not only improve your sex life but help you manage hypertension. It will reduce stress, improve flexibility and mitigate the risk of developing many other health problems.

Eat A Balanced Diet

Yes, eating healthy foods can lead to better sex life and improve libido. Eat nuts, berries, avocados, fruits, and green veggies to control hypertension and related disorders.

Cut Back On Alcohol And Smoking

Drinking too much alcohol and smoking can also contribute to hypertension, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Avoid both to manage the symptoms.

Watch Your Waistline

Hypertension often increases as weight increases. Keeping your weight in check may help you manage your blood pressure levels and improve sexual performance.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Take Back Your Sex Life

With all its stress and uncertainty, this year hasn’t exactly been a banner year for intimacy. But that can change.

By Meaghan O’Connell

Melissa Petro is a 40-year-old writer who lives in New York with her husband of four years and two children. She and her husband switch off between working and kid duty. According to Ms. Petro, the always-on nature of parenting a 12-month-old and a 3-year old in a pandemic has been “relentless, exhausting and not sexy.” Recently her husband has been sleeping on the family room couch.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” she said, “It’s just that there’s so many things to do besides have sex with my partner, who I do hypothetically find attractive and theoretically want to have sex with. It feels pretty — at times — hopeless, our sex life.”

Ms. Petro is not alone. A Kinsey Institute study on the impact of Covid-19 on marital quality found that 24 percent of married people reported having less frequent sex than they did before the pandemic, and 17 percent of women reported a decrease in both sexual and emotional satisfaction since the pandemic began. Another study from the spring suggested that a third of couples were experiencing pandemic-related conflict and that many of their sex lives were suffering.

“We are missing out on many parts of our former lives,” Maya Luetke, a researcher at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University who led the study, wrote in an email. “Just as this is the lost year in other ways, it may also be the lost year in terms of sex.”

Likewise, Emily Nagoski was not surprised by the data. A sex educator, researcher and author of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,” Dr. Nagoski describes sexual desire and inhibition like the accelerator and brake in a car. And while right now there are more factors in couples’ lives hitting their brakes than their accelerators, all hope is not lost. There is still a lot you can do to take your foot off the brake and hit the sexuality accelerator.

Shift your perspective.

Self-criticism and judgment of your partner are classic ways to dampen sexual desire. More than half of women report that stress, depression and anxiety decrease their interest in sex, as well as their sexual arousal and ability to orgasm. Dr. Nagoski said it’s normal to feel less desire during a crisis, like a pandemic. “You feel like the entire world, literally the air you breathe, is a potential threat to yourself and your family. That’s going to hit the brake.”

The first step to improving your sex life might be a shift in attitude rather than behavior. “If you have sex because you have to or you feel like you’re supposed to, you won’t have much sex and you probably won’t enjoy it,” Dr. Nagoski wrote in her book. “Don’t just decide to have sex, try on the identity of a person who loves sex.”

Make a plan.

Ms. Petro said she and her husband still make time for sex, even if it’s just, say, every third Sunday. “I shove thoughts of chores undone out of my mind and just try to relax into my body and be present for my partner,” she said. Afterward, they take each other less seriously. “We’re lighter.”

“People get very wrapped up in the idea of spontaneously desiring sex,” Dr. Nagoski said, but, especially in women, it’s fairly rare. Based on a wide body of research on gender and sexual desire, Dr. Nagoski estimates that roughly 15 percent of women experience spontaneous desire, whereas most experience responsive desire — wanting sex when something erotic is happening.

“When we study people who have great sex over the long-term in a relationship, they do not describe spontaneous desire as a characteristic,” she said.

So what do they describe? When the clinical psychologists Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard conducted a study for their book “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers,” they found that the components of great sex were consistent across gender, sexuality and a host of other descriptors and tastes. They included things like communication, empathy, vulnerability, connection and being present in the moment. They stressed ignoring notions of romantic spontaneity and, instead, embracing deliberateness and making a plan.

Great sex, they found, doesn’t just happen. It requires intentionality. Don’t be afraid to put it in your calendar if you have to. Because while you can’t plan on great sex, you can, as Dr. Kleinplatz and Dr. Menard put it in their book, “intentionally create the conditions in which the magic might occur.”

Pursue novelty.

While experiencing low sexual desire during a pandemic might be normal and understandable, there are things you can do to increase desire in a relationship. One thing that science says increases arousal is a novel experience. Not just the sexual kind, but anything to get your heart rate up.

This might be a good time for people to “open a dialogue with their partner(s) about their relationship overall as well as their personal desires, fantasies, needs, etc.,” Dr. Luetke, who studies the link between conflict and sexual intimacy at Indiana University, wrote in an email. If these conversations are awkward for you, she recommended engaging a therapist specializing in sex.

Or find another way to raise your heart rate. You might not be able to ride a roller coaster or dance at a crowded concert, but you could still do a YouTube workout, go for a hike with your partner or watch a scary movie together after the kids are in bed. Some research suggests that being excited around your partner makes that person seem more novel and thus more sexually attractive, by association.

Complete the stress cycle.

When your brain senses a threat (a lion, say, chasing you), your body activates the sympathetic nervous system, which sends chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol to help you run faster or fight harder. Once the threat is gone (you ran away; you killed the lion), the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, taking you out of fight-or-flight mode and returning your body to a calm state.

That calm state activated by the parasympathetic nervous system is also responsible for sexual arousal. In other words, your brain knows that when the lion is chasing you, you won’t want sex.

Modern-day stressors, however, are more ambiguous than a lion. It’s less clear to your brain when the threat has passed — when your paycheck has been deposited or your child’s remote school day is over. So Dr. Nagoski recommended “completing the stress cycle,” or doing things that will signal to the body that the danger has passed. When you go for a run after a long day of work, you’re moving through fight-or-flight mode by jogging away from the figurative lion, and telling your body that the stress is over, at least until tomorrow.

And even if you still don’t feel safe enough to experience desire, you can still touch your partner and intimately connect. Lying in the dark watching a movie with your partner, going for a walk, exercising, practicing self-acceptance — these things all have their own benefits, even when they don’t lead to sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why so many moms can’t have great sex

Cultural stereotypes around mothering have a detrimental effect on many moms’ sex lives. Time to rewrite the script

Stressed out mother sipping on a cup of coffee on her messy bed while her three daughters are playing around her

By Gail Cornwall

San Francisco mother Sara Lopes didn’t even realize she’d lost a part of herself until she got it back. “I had been so consumed with both children and starting to work again that we hadn’t had sex in maybe a year and a half,” says Lopes, 41, whose first name has been changed to protect her privacy. “Figuring out how to have dinners prepped, remembering to buy rain boots, paying our credit card bill, scheduling play dates, worrying about summer camps. I couldn’t even think about my social life, let alone my sex life.” Only after Lopes and her husband instituted Saturday night sex did the truth dawn on her: “I had needs that I had absolutely forgotten about.”

Lopes points the finger at herself, but she is not to blame for the problem, and Saturday night sex is not necessarily the solution. A handful of experts who’ve taken a closer look at the science of female sexuality and how it’s impacted by motherhood—from newly postpartum to empty nest—say we’ve had it all wrong.

The common tale of female sexuality fails us

Cultural scripts are stories we watch play out in advertisements, sitcoms, and IRL so often that we know our part. Our roles have come to feel like second nature, like our nature. 

The cultural script we’re told, particularly in the context of heterosexual relationships, goes something like this: Men are hardwired to seek variety; women, stability. Men crave sex; women consent to it (or bargain with it). Men prefer physical closeness; women, emotional intimacy. Men need climax; women are along for the ride.

There’s one problem with these familiar gender scripts: Scientifically speaking, they’re B.S. “Women have been sold a bill of goods,” writes Wednesday Martin in “Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.” “In matters of sex, women are not the tamer, more demure, or reticent sex.”

By our 30s and 40s, many of us figure that out. We embrace our sexuality after realizing, as Dr. Stephanie Buehler puts it: “We are built for pleasure.” We do our part to decrease the “orgasm gap” by seeking out sex where foreplay isn’t just an appetizer to be shoveled down as quickly as possible (or skipped entirely) prior to the main (inter)course.

But when parenthood happens, the difference between male and female reports of desire and satisfaction yawns wider. Ultimately, “a giant share” of mothers in the U.S. aren’t having good sex, says Katherine Rowland, author of “The Pleasure Gap,” which hit shelves just before the pandemic. And that includes a lot of lesbian moms. Why? Often, it’s because a mom-specific scripts has stepped in. Cultural stereotypes about motherhood often fall into one of these seven ruts.

1. I can’t really think about myself right now

Lydia Elle, 40, is a single mom with a 10-year-old in Los Angeles. She told me that she felt like when she became a mom, it became all-encompassing: “almost like ‘mom’ eclipsed ‘woman,'” she says. “Nurturing is a wonderful thing, but when you feel like that’s your only role, it’s a hindrance for good sex, because for that, you have to switch from being a giver to being okay being a receiver.”

We bring up girls to be helpful and empathetic, anticipating others’ needs and satisfying them. To “have it all” can often mean to give your all. To everyone. All the time.

You can partially thank the Victorians for this. In 1862, Dr. William Acton famously said, “As a general rule, a modest woman seldom desires any sexual gratification for herself.” But this is just a belief, and not one we’ve always held. Rowland says the Greeks thought female orgasm was required for conception. There’s no reason modern Americans can’t change the way we conceive of female pleasure.

2. I’m too touched-out

With a baby at her breast and a toddler clinging to her legs, one Seattle-area mom, who prefers not to be named, said the last thing she wants at night is another set of hands on her body. Buehler, a psychologist and sex therapist who’s written multiple books, says the idea of “touch fatigue” is so popular that she was shocked to find not a single scientific study confirming the phenomenon. But it makes sense when you think about it: Have you met many moms who’ll turn down a professional massage? It’s not that parents who spend a good deal of time with young children don’t want to be touched, Buehler thinks. They just don’t want another unpleasant, obligatory touch: “You have a partner who has needs, but they may feel like demands. And then the woman is like, ‘I am not here to service everybody,'” she says. Others simply find the gear-shift hard to manage, Buehler says, thinking, “How am I supposed to be this adoring, nurturing mother by day, and then be this sex goddess by night?”

3. I don’t feel like myself

This feeling of having one’s identity pulled and even torn can be especially acute when kids are small. Becoming a mother can make us feel disconnected from partners and from our former selves. “Most people need to feel relaxed in order to feel pleasure,” says reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks, M.D., co-author of “What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood.” “It can be hard to feel relaxed if you don’t feel like you.”

4. My to-do list is in bed with us

The domestic labor, emotional labor, and mental load that Lopes described isn’t just a time suck—it can also be a desire suck. “If mentally you are distracted, that is going to create tension in your body, and that is going to make it difficult to get aroused,” says Buehler. “To have good sex, you have to be both relaxed and aroused.” Both can be inhibited by rising maternal workload (time-use diaries indicate mothers spent twice as much time engaging with their children in 2012 as they did in 1965) that’s produced rising levels of stress. So too can inequitable division of household labor—exhaustion with a side of resentment is hardly an aphrodisiac.

5. My body’s like, ‘No way’

Dr. Sacks’s co-author, Catherine Birndorf, M.D., says physiology unique to the postpartum window also plays a role: “After you deliver, you are practically in a menopausal state.” Hormone fluctuations can lead to pain, dryness, and lack of sex drive. Moms who are menopausal and perimenopausal often know these symptoms too well. Stacy Tessler Lindau, M.D., who is director of Womanlab and a professor at the University of Chicago, says even when that’s not the case “arousal may take more effort, more concentration.” A variety of other medical diagnoses can also make sex painful, and of course, disrupted sleep has been shown to decrease sex drive.

Medications, too, can play a role. Research is mixed on whether hormonal birth control depresses libido. But, in Dr. Lindau’s clinical experience, some women do experience difficulty with libido on the pill that gets better when they switch to an IUD. Another pharmacological suspect: Women have higher rates of depression and anxiety, says Buehler, and many of the medications to treat them can dampen desire.

6. My body—especially my vagina—has seen better days

Feeling desirable has been shown to increase one’s own desire. Since shame and insecurity are not exactly relaxing, it’s no wonder that internalized ideals of flat tummies and svelte arms can tank libido. That’s true at any stage of life, but physical changes wrought by pregnancy, delivery, and the lingering effects of both can create or compound body image issues. So too can the shape shift that often accompanies menopause.

In a particularly nasty spin-off of body image stress, there’s growing concern among women that their labia are too loose or veiny, a condition dubbed “vaginal orthorexia” by Jen Gunter, M.D., author of “The Vagina Bible.” With everything from surgery to “soundwave therapy” to injection of collagen being marketed to us, the number of women who shell out for “vaginal rejuvenation” procedures has skyrocketed over the last decade, despite the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists calling most such treatments “not medically indicated” and stating that they “pose substantial risk.”

7. Sex just isn’t much fun anymore

Reasons one through six often contribute to and culminate in a seventh reason for decreased libido: All the things that make for good sex—energy, relaxation, playfulness, time, and curiosity—are in short supply after children. That leaves bad sex. And research has proven that bad sex decimates desire.

Think of it this way. The old you liked salad: Freshly rinsed butter lettuce with perfectly tender slices of chicken, ripe strawberries, toasted almonds, and goat cheese with a touch of honey. Or at least you’d hoped to find a salad like that. But these days, the only lettuce you encounter is a day-old pre-pack from an Airport kiosk. It makes sense that some women start to think they just don’t like salad.

One sexual equivalent of limp leaves and mealy tomatoes is when your partner employs what sexperts call “crude initiations”— heading straight to penetration or similarly intense activity without teasing or anticipation, making you feel not alluring so much as … convenient. It’s a form of benign neglect, where a mate or date just doesn’t put in the effort required to arouse. And then there’s habituation—your sex salad is fine, good even. But few of us find joy in eating the same salad week after week, month after month, year after year.

The point is that giving up the sexual side of ourselves after we’ve had kids can be a perfectly sensible reaction to the situation we’re in. “Women hold themselves hostage to this idea that they have low desire, and that they need to work on themselves in order to ‘fix’ a problem, when their low desire is really a healthy, rational, and reasonable response to the fact that they aren’t enjoying the kind of sex that they’re having,” says Rowland.

So what do we do about it?

First, what not to do: Take a hard pass on medicalizing solutions like vaginal rejuvenation and “female Viagra.” And you don’t need to force yourself to have sex as you might go to the gym, with an “it’s painful, but boy you’ll be glad you did it” mentality. A lingerie budget isn’t required either.

Instead of ditching your cozy jammies, say goodbye to those old gendered scripts and the mother-specific ones as well. Believing women naturally don’t like sex as much as men or are too touched out to enjoy it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy—especially when these beliefs get reinforced by distracted, unexciting sex. And that’s a shame, because as Dr. Lindau says, “libido gives people a sense of being alive.”

Instead, I think there are new mantras we can all agree on.

First, moms deserve to relax. Basic prerequisites to relaxation include reliable childcare and equitable division of labor. As Dr. Birndorf puts it, “If we had some time and had some space, we’d all be in the freaking mood.” Believe you’re entitled to it, and then share this priority with anyone who can help make it happen—your partner, your boss, your parents.

Second, moms want sex. If you feel disconnected from your partner, misunderstood, or unseen, Dr. Sacks says, you probably can’t enjoy sex with them until they get to know you again—or get to know your new self for the first time. Making time to talk can help, and you can check out Jessica Graham’s “Good Sex” for next-level info on how to use mindfulness to facilitate reconnection with your partner and yourself. You’ll likely find the new you can contain the old one too. Moms can give and claim. We can be caretakers and want sex, and not just any sex, hot sex.

And finally, moms are desirable. You need to feel hot for hot sex to happen, and this means including yourself in the definition of what’s hot. “After you have children, as you get older, you may need to challenge cultural norms of beauty and of sexuality in order to more fully enjoy your own sensuality,” Dr. Sacks says, “Because the chase to look like someone else or be someone else—and that also applies to being a younger version of yourself—certainly isn’t relaxing and it certainly isn’t on the pathway to pleasure.” But it isn’t all about you practicing self-compassion and redefining your new creases and folds as attractive. 

Your partner, whether for decades or a tryst, needs to ask what you want and then put in the time and energy needed to give it to you; you deserve someone who tells you when they like how you’ve made them feel, and brings a sense of mystery and adventure to the bedroom. But most won’t do that, they won’t even realize they should try to do that, until they too chuck the old scripts in favor of these new three. Moms deserve to relax. Moms want sex. Moms are desirable.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How mindful sex helped me through the pandemic this year

When Emma Firth had a sexual awakening, she was surprised to find an inner calm

By Kate Moyle

For me, a rather happy respite in this s**t show of a year was, unexpectedly, meeting someone and connecting with them sexually.

When the pandemic hit in March, establishing a routine was the most prescribed self-care tonic on my Instagram feed. Easy, I thought. Though, after a while, the Groundhog Days started to grate. Everything felt so deeply monotonous. Combine that with the onslaught of a grim news cycle, mute social life, and meeting anyone new seemingly out of bounds or, as one friend so deftly described dating this year: “If it were a banner? Bleak Until Further Notice.” It wasn’t so much missing romance, so much as much as the possibility of it.

But on meeting my partner I entered into a world of the good kind of uncertainty, as opposed to looming-threat-and-panic-in-a-pandemic kind. A flicker of hope and frivolity, in a landscape shrouded in doom and gloom. Our early courtship was more like being in a Jane Austen novel i.e. lots of walking and public encounters. Time felt slower, and sweeter, in his company. Similarly, when we’ve been intimate, I savour every moment. I am never thinking I should do anything. I’m just enjoying the meandering of sensations; the warmth of his touch, his mouth on mine, being fully present in my body. Here, I am blissfully immune to rules or expectations.

As such, the experience is all the more satisfying, and stress-relieving, because I’m in the moment. Like a good, long walk. The ones that are totally aimless. You amble up and down, maybe stop for a bit and then, somewhere along the way come across something so mesmerising that, for a brief moment, you just sort of bathe in its beauty. Afterwards, you feel connected, energised, restored. We’re living through an undeniably tumultuous period. Seeing our friends’ lives play out on our phone screens; comparison culture at an all-time high; professional uncertainty. Sex should be a soothing intermission. Free of judgement or external worries. And for me it is.

Before I met him, I was craving physical intimacy more than ever, like a lot of people during a year of U Can’t Touch This. The erotic friction that occurs when you know you are attracted to someone. Every moment titillating. Sex written in every look, hand hold, kiss, until finally your bodies are in motion. Like slowly, one by one, adding logs to a burning fire.

 It’s all part of the “sex dance”, as I like to call it. Or, as I’ve recently discovered it’s been co-opted, ‘mindful sex’. A term which is so hot right now, there’s a new book dedicated to it: Mindful Shagging: The Calmer Sutra by Rhonda Yearn. My first thought upon hearing this emerging lust-based lexicon? Ugh. Yet another thing to remember to be mindful about. Scepticism aside – I fully support the sentiment in practice. According to Yearn, it’s about “bringing our awareness” to this moment in time. Sex that “produces inner calm, tranquillity and self-acceptance.” Something we could all use a higher dose of in 2020.  To break it down further, mindful sex is a shift away from conventional mind-filled sex. The latter a fixed, goal-orientated concept. So often fed to us, be it through films to conversations with friends, that you’ve nailed it (pah!) only if one reaches orgasm. Being naked with another person is peak vulnerability, why add a layer of stress to such an enterprise? Not least in the age of Covid-19, a year that has been marred by a tsunami of emotional tension and pressure for so many of us.  Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist Kate Moyle offers up a useful framework here to “tune out to turn on.” First, try and take distractions out of your environment i.e. no tech (“our brains are primed to notice things [and] take in new information.”) Secondly, introduce sensory cues (“something like LOVE Sleep pillow spray from This Works, it helps create a shift in context”). Thirdly – and most importantly – “avoid putting pressure on yourself.”

This, I can report, has been the most significant shift this year. I am notably happier, in every aspect of my life, when I just ‘go with the flow.’ No rush to get to the next level. One of my pet peeves is when girlfriends want to delve into the-morning-after chat. So often it feels like a performance review. What was it like? What did you do? What did he do? And so on.

Sex isn’t a performance, it’s an experience. If I look back through my archive of subpar, um, sessions, they’ve always been the ones I’ve built up in my mind beforehand. Which is a recipe for disappointment. Like New Year’s Eve (my most hated day of the year). You angle it to be the best night ever, you will look incredible, they’ll be fireworks, the whole shebang. So that when you get to the big day itself it’s, at worst, panic-inducing. At best, mind-numbingly anti-climactic. Far better to just make it up as you go, take pleasure in the moments, as they occur. Be zen AF…quite literally.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why you need to prioritise your own orgasm

– and it’s not only because they feel amazing

Sadly, no one else will do it for you.

by Faye M Smith

Can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm? For most women, they last just 10.9 seconds. And, while that may seem rather quick, orgasms can do more than just make you feel good in that short space of time. So you could be missing out on vital health benefits!

If you need help to prioritise your own orgasm, then trying one of the best vibrators could be for you. More than a quarter of British women claim they are “more likely” to orgasm if they use one, found sexual wellness brand Lovehoney.

So, why should you prioritise your own orgasm? Well, not only do the endorphins released during arousal help ease pain, but a study in Israel found that women who had two orgasms per week were 30% less likely to have heart disease. Plus, American research found that menopausal women who had an orgasm every week had oestrogen levels twice as high as those who didn’t, which is essential for protecting bones.

But, with the average woman taking 13 minutes and 25 seconds to climax, according to the Kadave Institute of Medical Sciences, many women don’t feel they have time to fit more sex or masturbation into their already busy lives. “Too many women are afraid to address this fundamental issue and enjoy the sex they deserve,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert with Lovehoney.

This is why you need to prioritise your own orgasm. Ready? Here’s how to make sure you have an orgasm every time…

Learn to de-stress and prioritise your own orgasm

Pressures with work or family will directly affect when (or if) you reach climax. “The biggest psychological barrier to orgasm is stress – it’s essentially a sexual poison,” says Annabelle.

Timing is key, so choose a time to have sex or masturbate when you’re not rushing around. Plus, remember to breathe deeply throughout; it will help you block out distractions. A belter of an orgasm is achievable – you just need to relax.

Tightening your pelvic floor can help you orgasm

A weakened pelvic floor can cause a loss in sensation, yet a third of women are too embarrassed to bring the topic up with their GP, found a survey by wellness charity Jo’s Cervical Trust.

“Learning to control your pelvic floor can help you climax,” says Annabelle. Tone up by doing 100-200 pelvic floor contractions daily. Never done them before? Imagine you are stopping a fart, then a wee, then draw these two feelings in together.

Changing positions can help you prioritise your own orgasm

Is your sex life predictable? If it’s the same position every Tuesday after EastEnders, then, sadly, it is. Mixing things up could make accessing your G-spot easier. Need inspiration? Then have sex somewhere different, such as outside or in the shower.

“Trying new positions is important for increasing your orgasm potential, as is remembering that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Some positions are better for this than others, such as missionary. Make sure that you and your partner move in a circular motion, rather than thrust, as this maximises stimulation.”

Faking an orgasm is a waste of time when it comes to your pleasure

Faking your orgasms because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings? “It’s one of the most damaging things a person can do to their own sexual happiness,” warns Annabelle.

“If your partner’s doing something good in bed, tell them. If they’re not, remind them of a time you experienced pleasure and express a desire to repeat this. Reading erotic fiction together can help, as it includes scenarios you could both explore. This also removes sexual responsibility and eliminates any blame your partner might feel if you were to talk directly to them about something you don’t like.”

Eating right can help you prioritise your orgasm

Feeling hungry? Oysters, chocolate, peppers, eggs and spinach can improve your chances of reaching orgasm. “Aphrodisiacs create a sense of heightened sexual state – sometimes just thinking about an aphrodisiac may work as one,” says Annabelle.

“They can also work by producing chemicals linked to sexual desire and increase blood flow, meaning our genitals have access to a ready supply of blood, which makes them engorged and leads to sexual arousal.”

Knowing that you deserve an orgasm will help you have one

“Women have had a rough deal when it comes to sexual pleasure and many struggle with issues, such as shame,” says Annabelle. In fact, a survey by sex-toy brand Tenga found that only 14% of British females were taught about pleasure as part of their sexual education.

“At school, anything to do with sex is discussed with the view that it’s for procreation and nothing else,” says Annabelle. “This delivers a damaging message to women that their pleasure is not only unimportant, but also not to be expected.”

Why you should seek help if you struggle to orgasm

Feel your sex-to-orgasm ratio isn’t sufficiently balanced? Don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional. “A woman who doesn’t think she has had an orgasm should see her GP. She’s denying herself one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer,” says Annabelle.

Thankfully, there are simple changes that can solve the situation. “Certain medications and medical conditions can contribute to lack of orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Usually, though, it’s purely down to poor sexual technique and not enough lubrication, which can make foreplay and intercourse painful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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24 Ways You or Your Penis-Having Partner Can Increase Penile Sensitivity

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

For many folks, sexual satisfaction is all about the feels, so if you or your penis-having partner are experiencing decreased sensitivity down there, it could really mess with your ability to get off.

There are a few things that can cause a decrease in penile sensation, from the way a person masturbates to lifestyle habits and hormone imbalances. The good news: There are ways to get back that lovin’ feeling.

To be clear, there’s a big difference between less sensation and numbness.

Having less sensation — which is what we’re focusing on in this article — means you don’t feel as much sensation in your peen as you did before.

A numb penis is a whole other ball of wax and refers to not being able to feel any normal sensation when your penis is touched.

Yep, how you pleasure yourself might be affecting your penile sensation.

What does this have to do with it?

The way you masturbate can lead to decreased sensitivity. Some people call this “death grip syndrome.”

The gist is that people who masturbate using a very specific technique or tight grip can become desensitized to other types of pleasure over time.

When this happens, coming or even getting any pleasure without the exact move or pressure becomes difficult.

If you’re feeling all the feels just fine when you masturbate but find that partner sex is where the sensation is lacking, there are a couple potential reasons.

A thinner or smaller-than-average penis, or even too much lube (natural wetness or synthetic), can mean less friction — and ultimately sensation — during intercourse.

What can you do to help address this?

Just switching up your technique should do the trick and help you recondition your sensitivity.

If death grip is the issue, depending on how you’re used to masturbating, this might mean loosening your grip, stroking at a slower pace, or both.

You could also mix things up with a sex toy made for penis play, like the Super Sucker UR3 Masturbator, which you can buy online, or TENGA Zero Flip Hole Masturbator, which is also available online. And don’t forget the lube!

If intercourse is the issue, some positions make for a tighter fit and therefore more friction.

Here’s a little secret: Tweaking any position so your partner can keep their legs tight together during sex should work.

Plus, if anal sex is what you’re both into, the anus is by nature a tighter squeeze. Just be sure to use a lot of lube if you take it to the backside.

And speaking of a lot of lube: If an abundance of wetness is making sex feel a bit like a Slip ’N Slide, a quick wipe with some tissue should fix it.

Certain lifestyle habits can be to blame for your peen’s lessened sensitivity.

What does this have to do with it?

Do you bicycle a lot? Do you masturbate frequently? These things can cause the sensitivity in your peen to tank if you do them often.

When it comes to masturbation, how often you do it matters if you’re doing it a lot, according to research that has linked hyperstimulation to decreased penile sensitivity.

As for bicycling, bicycle seats put pressure on the perineum — the space between your balls and anus. It presses on blood vessels and nerves that provide feeling to the penis.

Sitting in a hard or uncomfortable chair for long periods can do the same.

What can you do to help address this?

Masturbation is healthy, but if the frequency of your handy treats is causing a problem, taking a break for a week or two can help get your penis feeling back to itself.

If you sit or bicycle for long periods, take regular breaks. Consider swapping out your bike seat or usual chair for something more comfortable.

Testosterone is the male sex hormone responsible for libido, not to mention a bunch of other functions.

If your testosterone (T) level drops, you might feel less responsive to sexual stimulation and have trouble getting aroused.

T levels decrease as you age. Damage to your danglers — aka testicles — can also affect T, as well as certain conditions, substances, and cancer treatment.

Your doctor can diagnose low T with a simple blood test and treat it using testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). Lifestyle changes, like regular exercise, maintaining a moderate weight, and getting more sleep can also help.

Certain medical conditions and medications can affect sensation in the penis.

What does this have to do with it?

Diabetes and multiple sclerosis (MS) are just a couple conditions that can damage nerves and affect sensation in different body parts, including the penis.

Medications used to treat Parkinson’s disease can also reduce penile sensation as a side effect.

Ensuring that any underlying condition is well managed might help bring the feels back.

If medication’s the culprit, your doctor may be able to adjust your dose or change your medication.

Sexual pleasure isn’t just about your D. Your brain plays a big role, too.

What does this have to do with it?

If you’re dealing with anxiety, stress, depression, or any other mental health issue, getting in the mood can be near impossible. And even if you really want to get down to business, your penis may not be as receptive.

What can you do to help address this?

It really depends on what’s going on mentally.

Taking some time to unwind before sexy time can help if you’re feeling stressed or anxious.

A hot bath or shower can help your mind and muscles relax. The warm water also increases circulation, which can help increase sensitivity and make your skin more responsive to touch.

If you’re regularly struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression, or having trouble coping with stress, reach out for help.

Talk to a friend or loved one, see a healthcare provider, or find a local mental health provider through the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Not to be punny, but try to not beat yourself silly over this.

We get how frustrating it must be to not be able to enjoy the sensation you want or expect during sexual activity.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you’re struggling.

It’s probably not permanent

Chances are your lessened penile sensation can be improved.

As we’ve already covered, changes in technique, getting in the right frame of mind, or some lifestyle tweaks may be all that’s needed to get your penis feeling right again.

A healthcare provider can help with any underlying medical or mental health issues and recommend the right treatments.

Go easy on yourself

We’re not just talking about choking your chicken either! Stressing about this and putting pressure on yourself will only make things worse in the pleasure department.

Give yourself time to relax and get in the mood before play, and permission to stop and try another time if you’re not feeling it.

Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help

Penis health and sexual health are just as important as other aspects of your health.

If there’s something going on with your penis or your ability to enjoy sexual activity, a professional can help.

Good penis health is in your hands

You can’t control everything, but there are things you can do to help keep your penis healthy:

  • Eat a healthy diet, including foods shown to boost penis health by lowering inflammation and improving T levels and circulation.
  • Get regular exercise to improve mood and T levels, manage your weight, and lower your risk for erectile dysfunction and other conditions.
  • Learn to relax and find healthy ways to cope with stress to improve your T levels, mood, sleep, and overall health.

If it’s your partner who’s struggling with lessened sensitivity down there, don’t worry. Chances are there’s a good reason for it, and it’s probably not what you think.

Here are some things to keep in mind if it’s getting to you.

Don’t take it personally

Your first instinct may be to blame yourself if your partner isn’t enjoying sex. Try to not do this.

Sounds harsh, but: Not your penis, not your problem.

As a loving partner, of course you want them to feel good. But unless you’ve damaged their penis by taking a hammer to it, their lessened penile sensitivity isn’t your fault, so don’t make it about you.

I repeat, don’t make it about you

Seriously, it’s not your penis!

As frustrated as you might be, keep it to yourself

Not trying to dismiss your feelings or anything, but as frustrated as you may be that your partner isn’t feeling it even when you pull out your best moves, it’s probably a lot more frustrating for them.

That said, if your partner’s lack of sensation results in a marathon shag sesh that causes chafing to your nether regions, of course you have the right to take a break or stop. It’s your body, after all. Just be mindful of how you say it.

Ask what your partner needs from you

EVERYONE should be asking what their partner needs when it comes to sex and relationships. It’s the key to making both great.

Do they need a little time to relax before action moves to the peen? Do they need more foreplay that focuses on other pleasure spots to help them get in the mood? Do they want to just stop altogether? Don’t be afraid to ask.

If you’ve lost some of that lovin’ feeling down below, your lifestyle and pleasure routine — solo or partnered — may provide some clues. If not, your doctor or other healthcare provider can help.

In the meantime, be patient and kind with yourself, and consider some of your other pleasure zones for satisfaction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Women Over 40 With Amazing Sex Lives Have In Common

by Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD

When it comes to midlife and sexuality, what are the stories that need to be challenged if we want to be among the sexually woke? Inasmuch as these stories are causing harm or are not true, what might be a healthier way to view the same situation?

As an example, let me tell you how this worked for me. In my early-40s, life felt like I was on a conveyor belt going in one direction and largely out of my control. I was driven by a list of things I was supposed to do. Financial planners told me how much money I needed to earn and save to live to 95, to send my kids to an average of six years of private college, and to keep my invented life looking perfect from the outside. We predicted the rise and fall of the stock market for the next 50 years. Every morning, I got up and did what I was supposed to do. I made lots of money, won lots of awards, and made things seem amazing on Facebook.

My then-husband and I had complex wills, life insurance policies, disability policies, and every other imaginable tool to create the illusion that we had this life figured out and under control. I knew the precise date I was going to retire, as well as the date we were going to sell our home. I knew the dates our kids would get married, how much their weddings would cost, when I would become a grandparent, and the date each of us would probably die. Nothing was unknown.

If the goal of all this planning and attempting to manipulate the future was to provide a sense of safety and security, why did the idea of getting old fill me with dread? Why did following this nicely mapped-out path feel like I was being buried in an early grave? The fact was I had nothing to look forward to. There was nothing exciting or surprising to anticipate. Life had been wrapped carefully and stuffed into a box. Looking into the future felt like looking down a long, dark, narrowing tunnel. It was a death march.

At that same time, I was struggling with getting older. I was getting crow’s feet. Gray hairs became too many to pluck out. My sex drive was nonexistent. Women much younger than me were enjoying leadership roles and accolades and were prominently featured in the media. I could feel myself slowly being pushed out of the picture of what matters.

The real reason women’s sex lives decline over time.

After hearing Ben Zander talk about his book The Art of Possibility in 2010, the wall of that tunnel started to be a little more opaque. A little light started to come in. If there was light on the other side of those tunnel walls, what was out there? I read Zander’s book, and my curiosity started to rise. Within a few months, I was devouring a book every week and attending every seminar I could find on the subject of personal growth and spirituality. As my self-invented tunnel started to crumble, the future began to look quite different: an open field of possibility, openness, emptiness—a blank canvas ready for me to paint.

The degree to which this changed my life cannot be overstated, and all I did was change my perspective. Nothing “out there” changed. The only thing that changed was my ability to see it. I woke up.

Here’s an observation from 20 years as a gynecologist and 52 years as a woman. When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important “secret.” It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

The sexual freedom that can come with age.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives. Surprisingly to me, many women shared similar images and metaphors to describe their own awakening. In Robin’s words:

“The idea of the fullness in life when we are younger is paradoxical because we tend to think of fullness related to success, achievement, money, and status. Then we find the futility when we get to menopause—the futility of trying to hold it all together. The first half of my life, I felt like I was building a very solid structure. That gave me some comfort. But then we literally start to see our bodies fall apart and realize that it’s all falling apart really. That solid structure was not based on anything real. My new house got old, my perfect kids grew up and didn’t do what the plan dictated, and my marriage fell apart. For me, the acceptance of that and letting go of the fantasy of solidity really let me enter the fullness of life. With the solidity of the walls I had created, I had no access to other possibilities. I was pretty delusional that life was solid. After my divorce, I was free—finally free to have that fullness of life and be available to meet someone I could be my full self with as my full sexual being. I’m 55, and life has never been better. As for sex, I’m only just beginning to find out where I can go with that. There’s no road map, no walls. I can go wherever I want. It’s beautiful.”

All of a sudden you have some space. You can finally ask those questions like, “What am I really here to do?” With that space to reflect, you can integrate yourself, pull all those pieces together, and really show up. People might call it a midlife crisis, saying, “Oh, she went nuts, left her husband, and moved to France.” But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s an awakening. More like, “Oh, I’ve only been half here all this time.” When you’ve cut off your sexual being and then find it, it’s like you’ve been walking around without one arm then realizing that you have both. “Wow! Look at all these things I can do now with two arms!” Alexa shares another beautiful metaphor:

“I think of my sexuality as a sea snail, the kind with the coiled shell. For most of my life, my sexuality had lived inside a shell. For one thing, it’s not safe to be gay, so I hid. But now when I feel safe and happy, the snail will venture out of her shell and start to venture across the ocean floor and explore this unknown new world. I used to think the shell was a prison, but it’s really just a place to be safe if there’s real harm around. When I feel safe, there’s a door that I can venture out of and go as far as I want.

I’m 61, and I was thinking about women my age whose sexuality has gone out like the tide or at least they think it has. Then I started thinking about spaciousness, to live in the spaciousness of the unknown, of possibility. Inside the shell can feel safer, but I think an existence with spaciousness is what we are hopefully evolving into. There’s this ‘letting go of certainty’ aspect in sexuality that mirrors letting go into the spiritual life. For me, I think that’s how those two come together. There’s a huge element of letting go around the time of menopause. The reality of our finite life can be very freeing. There’s a letting go of needing to be a certain way, the way that conforms to being young. Instead of framing that as loss, to me it’s letting go of a whole lot of baggage and realizing your shell has a door. It’s freedom.”

I was amazed at how frequently words like freedom and liberation were used by the sexually woke in relation to midlife. This certainly wasn’t what I was taught! Freedom came in many forms: freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from fear of pregnancy, and even freedom to make more noise or be more spontaneous without family in the house. Christine adds:

“Sex is so liberating now. I am past the baby stage. There’s no more waiting for a period to either get here or not and no more worrying about getting pregnant. I know what I like, and we are comfortable with each other. His body knows my body; it ‘listens,’ and it’s learned when to move left or right, keep going, stop, or try something else. Although we talk openly about sex, sometimes he just knows exactly what to do by the way my body is responding. It’s like we are in our 20s again but better because we’ve both learned so much and look forward to just being together.”

“It seems to me there are two possibilities. One is that you are still in a fog of years of youthful, idiotic, and delusional thinking, not really understanding things. On the other hand, now with some years and experience under your belt, you have a certain strength, clarity, and wisdom. I am starting to understand things. In the old days, they would have called me a crone. The wise old woman that the village would go to for advice. But maybe I can be a sexy crone. I feel better than ever. I don’t care so much what other people think. I am free to be myself. I can make love with my husband, and I am all here.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Having an Amazing Sex Life During and After Menopause

By

When cartoonist Sharon Rosenzweig was 45 and going through a divorce, she felt the pressure to meet someone new right away. “By the time I’m in my fifties,” she remembers thinking, “I’m going to be so old, I won’t even be interested in sex anymore.” She had this idea that menopause would eradicate her sex drive.

Turns out, she was wrong. She met the man who would become her second husband in the middle of menopause and was surprised to find her sex drive was still quite active. But she did have things to figure out, namely vaginal dryness, a common issue of menopausal and post-menopausal individuals.

Her doctor prescribed her estriol cream and it has made all the difference. For Sharon, sex is now better post-menopause. “I’m surprised how [my body] keeps getting more responsive. Orgasms are longer and more powerful than they used to be. I don’t know if that is me being more comfortable, like being older actually helps, or if it’s this cream or it’s just having figured out a little bit more.”

By the way, estriol cream can be expensive. Sharon recommend looking into https://www.womensinternational.com/contact/ — an affordable pharmacy that does mail order.

Sharon tells her story in the new comic collection Menopause: A Comic Treatment. The embedded video is a promotion for the collection and tells Sharon’s story.

Sharon’s story is not uncommon. MaryJane Lewitt, PhD, RN, CNM, FACNM, is a nurse, midwife, and qualitative researcher who studies the sexuality of post-menopausal individuals. She is finding that, like Sharon has discovered, post-menopause is a time of life where many folks are able to prioritize their own sexuality and overall quality of life.

I interviewed MaryJane about her research. Below, you’ll find tips on navigating sex, relationships, and a holistic sexual self during and post-menopause from MaryJane and Sharon.

But first, a note on the gendered terms used in this article. Since MaryJane’s research has focused primarily on cisgender individuals born with vulvas, for this article, when I quote MaryJane, that’s who we are referring to; however, I hope anyone experiencing menopause can feel included.`

And actually, much of the advice is applicable to anyone in their later years regardless of gender, because much of the changes related to aging aren’t just about menopause. This is really about embracing your whole self through all of life’s changes.

1. Redefine Your Sexual Self

Many aspects of aging can impact one’s sexual desires and goals. You may experience changes in your relationships and your lifestyle, along with physical changes. Menopause (and aging in general) will bring changes to the texture, tone and sensitivity of your skin, including your erogenous zones. You’ll also experience changes to your body hair and natural lubrication.

Combined, these changes can impact what you find pleasurable, as well as how you view yourself as a sexual being. “Women have to deal with the way their body is now versus their expectation of who they were sexually before,” MaryJane said.

What’s important to remember is that these changes do not have to stop you from being a satisfied sexual being, they may just change what that means. And it does not need to be the same as what it was before or what it means to your neighbor.

“Every woman defines what her ideal sexual state is and what her own personal sexuality can be,” MaryJane explained. “It’s not the same for every single individual. Some people want to make sure that they continue sexual intimacy in their lives. Other women don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy in their lives for them to be sexual creatures.”

2. Schedule Time To Talk to Your Healthcare Provider About Sex

“One thing I’m hearing over and over again is that conversations about sexuality with healthcare providers — even OBGYNs, nurse practitioners and midwives — are not happening at the frequency that most patients’ desire.”

These conversations can be uncomfortable for both parties involved, and often, neither the provider nor the patient wants to initiate.

Another reason these conversations aren’t happening is that people assume that the problems they’re facing with their sex life can’t be helped. MaryJane explained this isn’t necessarily true: “A lot of things are starting to become available to women for addressing different elements of their sexuality.”

For instance, during menopause, the body produces less natural lubrication and some over-the-counter lubricants can dry out the skin even more and can aggravate the skin. Physicians can prescribe or offer suggestions for lubricants that will work better.

This is what Sharon experienced. She assumed her doctor would just suggest using generic OTC lubricant, but he was actually well-versed in this issue and had something better for Sharon to try (the estriol cream).

“You have to get past the embarrassment of saying what it is that you are having trouble with. I’ve known my doctor for 25 years, and it was really hard to bring up this topic of vaginal dryness and say those words to my doctor, even though he’s delivered babies,” she explained.

MaryJane recommends scheduling a specific appointment to talk about sex. “These take longer conversations with their healthcare providers to almost give women permission to explore different toys and really figure out what works best for them.”

To prepare for these appointments, she also recommends taking an inventory about what you want and what you’re experiencing. Here are examples of questions to ask yourself from MaryJane:

  • What are the things that you’ve tried to help improve your own personal satisfaction?
  • What are some of the things that have not worked?
  • When have you wanted to experience something different?
  • Was it related to desire? Was it related to something physical?
  • Were you having issues with urine leakage during intercourse which made you feel uncomfortable so you could not reach orgasm? Or was it a lack of that sensation?
  • Are you comfortable with masturbation?”

3. It’s Time to Play

If traditional sexual intimacy (penetrative sex and masturbation) is important to you, but you’re experiencing changes in what’s pleasurable, it’s time to play.

As you age, what feels good changes more quickly. “You’ve got to shift and adapt on a regular basis in order to continuously create those moments of pleasure and intimacy,” Maryjane explained.

To learn to shift and adapt, try new strategies in bed when alone and with partners, which will allow you to rediscover new avenues for pleasure and navigate your body’s changes.

As an example, let’s talk about orgasms. Per MaryJane, post-menopause, it can take people with vulvas longer to achieve orgasm, and the nature of the orgasms can change. “They have to either pregame with a lot more foreplay or different lubricants or, for the first time, they have to try more specific forms of external stimulation from the variety of toys out there.”

And play does not need to involve a partner. Want to really understand your body’s changes and get a sense of your sexual self? You’ll learn new things on your own and it’s good for you.

“Masturbation gives both short term and long term health benefits for women moving through the menopausal period,” MaryJane explained. “The act of masturbation itself increases circulation and lubrication and can maintain elasticity.”

4. Find Companions

Find folks you can open up to about changes to your body, your sex life, and your relationships. You might find that it’s a relief for them to open up as well. And if you’re dating and exploring, you might also find some partners-in-crime.

“Other women are your best allies,” Sharon explained. “They’re not your competitors, they’re your allies because they’re going to be out there dating and meeting people that they wind up not wanting to stick with, and they can pass them along. That’s what happened to me.” (Sharon was introduced to her second husband through a friend who’d dated him first.)

There’s no age limit on meeting new friends and lovers. There are rich opportunities through activity groups, alternative living communities, and more where older individuals are finding friendship and companionship. And people perimenopause are enjoying short-term or casual relationships perhaps more than they have in the past.

One dilemma, according to MaryJane, is that many older individuals were raised in cultures that did not encourage them to ask for what they need or be comfortable talking about sex or sexuality. This becomes a battle of habit and conditioning.

5. Consider The Opinion of Those Around You, But Live Your Own Life

After Sharon got divorced, she had to navigate dating with her teenage daughter in the house. She made the mistake of talking about moving for one potential partner without considering how it would affect her daughter. Here’s her advice for others navigating kids and dating: “I think it’s about being sensitive to what is going on with them. I missed it because my own needs were so central.”

It’s okay for your needs to be central; just be sensitive about how your own life changes affect those closest to you.

6. Be Proud

If you’ve gotten this far in the article, this issue is important to you, so let me leave you with one more thought. However you embrace this stage of life, you can set the example for future generations. You get to be a role model for younger folks like me on what it means to be vibrant and beautiful in the midst of life’s inevitable changes.

Here’s MaryJane: “There is a renaissance in terms of the sexuality of older women in the media right now. We’re seeing a lot of the women with dark gray or white hair — classic beauties — reassert themselves as very strong women at the end of their life. And they’re doing it from a sense of being alone or not having a partner, but their sexuality is very clear and very consistent in the images and in what they’re saying and what is coming forward from them.”

Case in point: about life at 59, author Gail Konop writes, “Contrary to the menopause myth, I am experiencing the sexiest, most vibrant, most intellectually and professionally fertile time of my life. Liberated from waiting for the next stage or event or person to define or save me, I am the leader of my own pod.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Things Getting In The Way Of Black Women’s Sex Lives

By Ashley Townes, Ph.D., MPH

Like many other aspects of our society, sexuality education in the United States often reflects majority populations—i.e., white experiences.

While there’s been some research dedicated to understanding the sexual lives of Black women, much of it focuses on identifying what types of sexual behaviors they’re engaging in, messages of risk and prevention, and health disparities between Black women and white women. This approach to understanding Black women’s sex lives can have negative consequences such as stereotypes, stigma, and bias from doctors. Not to mention, this approach leaves out all of the aspects of their sexual lives that are exciting, fun, and pleasurable.

According to my professional work as a sexual health researcher and my personal experiences as a Black woman myself, here are five things that get in the way of Black women’s sex lives being authentic, shame-free, and enjoyable—and how Black women can overcome them:

1. Stereotypes and myths about Black sexuality.

The sexual lives of Black women have historically been misrepresented by stereotypes and myths. A few historical images that Black women have been labeled as include the mammy, jezebel, welfare mother, and angry Black woman. In general, Black women have also often been portrayed as being sexually experienced and/or engaging in sexual risk-taking behaviors rather than as being sexually responsible and having sexual autonomy. Many of these stereotypes and myths persist in mainstream media, affecting how people view Black women and their sex lives.

Stereotypes and myths are harmful to Black women because they affect how they view themselves and how they believe they are viewed by others. Stereotypes and myths might also play a role in dating, relationships, and sexual behaviors. For example, the idea or belief that Black women are “promiscuous” may cause a woman to feel ashamed of her true sexual identity and behaviors. A woman may feel embarrassed to have sexual conversations for fear of being judged. She may even feel obligated to have a certain kind of sexual life (perhaps due to respectability politics—messages received about how Black women are to act, speak, dress, etc.).

2. Health disparities in sexual health care.

Education, income level, and insurance status can all affect a person’s access to health care and its quality, and these same factors also affect racial differences seen in sexual health care. Black women can often feel that they are not listened to or treated fairly by doctors or the health care system, or they’ve had negative experiences receiving sexual health care specifically.

As the fight for social justice has gained more attention due to the many Black lives that have been subjected to police brutality, it is important that the fight for sexual and reproductive justice remains a part of the conversation to end racism, discrimination, and stigma in health care settings. Health equity is a social justice issue, and until the distribution of wealth, education, housing, and various other privileges are addressed, Black women will continue to bear a higher burden of disease, illness, and even death.

3. A lack of culturally sensitive sex education.

America lacks comprehensive sexuality education in general, but this is especially true when it comes to culturally sensitive sex education. Information that includes the historical and present-day views of Black sexuality is important for youth and young adults to understand the context behind the images they see in the media. Sexuality education should promote exploration and knowledge related to sexuality rather than reinforce or support stereotypical messages about minority groups.

In addition, there is a shortage of trained sexuality educators in cultural sensitivity and, therefore, many missed opportunities for Black girls to receive sexuality education that is unbiased. Black women need sexuality educators who are able to understand the social and cultural factors that affect Black women’s sexual lives and even have experiences similar to Black women. Diversity in sex education matters.

4. A focus on prevention instead of pleasure.

Sexuality research and sex education materials reflecting Black women tend to highlight adverse sexual and reproductive outcomes, such as the rates of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Meanwhile, the average sex ed class for Black teens seldom mentions more positive research such as data from the 2018 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a huge survey that revealed tons of really hopeful insights about Black women’s sex lives. The survey revealed that Black women engage in a variety of sexual behaviors, most find their recent experiences to be pleasurable, and most experienced an orgasm.

The fact that most mainstream conversations about Black sexuality have to do with talking about risks and negative sexual outcomes means we are lacking conversations about Black pleasure. Without open conversations about pleasure, women learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed to discuss their sexual desires with their partners. But sexual communication is important for sexual development and self-esteem. In fact, the ability to communicate about sex and pleasure can strengthen sexual relationships and improve sexual satisfaction overall.

5. Mistrust of medical providers.

Sexual communication is not only vital to sexual relationships; it is essential for doctor-patient relationships. Meeting with health care professionals for preventive care and to discuss sexual health concerns leads to a better sex life. Unfortunately, much of Black history in America stems from elements of slavery that has affected several generations. Medical experimentation on Black bodies is not just a thing of the past, and that history comes with understandable mistrust of information and treatment from medical providers. Throughout history, Black women have endured medical mistreatment and tend to feel as if they are unseen and unheard.

More than ever, Black women need access to quality sexual health care and, more importantly, a trusted medical provider. They deserve to feel like their sexual health care experiences are provided in a confidential, respectful, and nonjudgmental manner.

How Black women can take control of their sexual lives.

For many Black women, this is not new information. These issues and challenges have been persistent for quite some time. But what can you do about them?

First, become your own advocate. This means learning what resources are available in your area, finding out what preventive screenings and services are recommended before your appointments, and being prepared to ask questions when interacting with medical providers.

Second, find the things that work for you. This can include finding a doctor that understands your experiences as a Black woman (yes, it is OK to shop around for a doctor), finding Black sexuality educators to learn from online, and working to unlearn messages that have been harmful to your sexual development.

Lastly, work toward sexual agency. This means you have the ability to produce the results you want for your sexual life. The key to having a healthy and positive view of your sexual life starts with you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding These 2 Types of Sexual Desire Will Help You Feel In Control of Your Libido

Introducing: Spontaneous and responsive desire.

By Gabrielle Kassel

By now, you’ve probably heard a sexual health pro say—punctuated by 👏👏👏, of course—that porn is entertainment, not education. And that’s true. But there’s another type of media that shoves lies about what sex “should” (eye roll) look like down our collective throat: Romantic comedies.

One of the ideas these films have implanted into our brains? That the desire to get it on hits you out of nowhere—BAM! As a sex writer, this really gets me heated (as in, mad, not horny) considering only an estimated 15 to 20 percent of cisgender women (vs. 75 percent of cisgender men) primarily experience sexual desire in this way, according to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., in her book Come As You Are. (ICYDK, here’s the definition of “cisgender” and more about gender identity.)

“Most often depicted in movies, spontaneous desire is the urge for sex that hits you out of nowhere,” says Jill McDevitt, Ph.D, resident sexologist for sex toy emporium CalExotics. But what’s much more common for (cisgender) women is something called responsive sexual desire, which is when the desire comes in response to (or after) sexual activity has already (consensually) started. Meaning, sexual activity begets arousal, versus the other way around.

As McDevitt puts it: “Spontaneous desire is sex on the kitchen counter. Responsive desire is watching Netflix together, and starting to feel a tingle when your partner starts to trace the outline of your shorts during the sex scene in the movie you’re watching.”

The good news: Once you understand how these two types of sexual desire work, you can hack your sex life so you can start having as much (or as little) sex as you want! But first, scroll down.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

First things first: Both styles of sexual desire are normal and healthy. Unfortunately, people (especially cisgender women) who primarily experience responsive desire assume that they’re sexually defunct because their desire doesn’t look like Mila Kunis’s in Friends with Benefits. (See: Why Your Lack of Sex Drive Isn’t a Disorder)

Such is not the case, assures Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex toy brand LELO. “Most of these folks can experience desire/arousal, but they (and their partners) aren’t giving responsive desire a chance,” she says.

What does responsive desire look like IRL? Rather than waiting for a sudden urge to get down, you might say, “hey babe, any interest in me giving you a massage and seeing where that goes?” Or, “how would you feel about turning on porn and masturbating side-by-side, and seeing if that gets us in the mood?”

If you’re skeptical, you shouldn’t be. After all, “sex itself is not better just because it starts with spontaneous desire—people report just as much pleasure and enjoyment regardless of how it started,” says Vrangalova. Besides, the type of desire isn’t a measure of how good the sex was. How pleasurable it was is!

Deducing Your Own Sexual Desire Style

According to Nagoski’s aforementioned research, about 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women primarily experience spontaneous desire, whereas 5 percent of men and 30 percent of women primarily experience responsive desire (all cisgender). But for the rest of folks, sexual desire is context-dependent, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the podcast Sex with Dr. Jess. Meaning, “sometimes they’ll experience more spontaneous desire and other times the desire is more likely to happen responsively,” she says.

It’s common for context-dependent types to primarily experience spontaneous desire at the start of a relationship and responsive desire as the relationship ebbs on, or during high-stress, busy bouts of time. (After all, stress can lead to lower libido and even an inability to climax.)

Odds are, you were able to deduce your main type just by reading the above definitions. If not, I recommend investing in Nagoski’s books and flipping to the end of Chapter 3. There, you’ll find a “Sex Contexts” worksheet where she instructs you to journal (in detail!) about three of both your best sexual experiences as well as the “meh” ones. In reviewing these experiences, you’ll likely notice common themes around when and where sex took place, as well as whether the activity erected from spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or neither. For instance, if your top sexual experiences happened in coatroom closets at weddings, odds are you tend to experience spontaneous desire. If your top sexual experiences happened after day-long romantic dates or sexting sessions, odds are your desire leans responsive.

How to Lean Into Responsive Sexual Desire

So you primarily experience responsive desire and your partner primarily experiences spontaneous desire. Or, you both primarily experience responsive desire…now what? Fear not! “There are lots of different ways couples with different sexual desires can meet in the middle,” says sexual health expert Lyndsey Harper, M.D. ob-gyn, founder and CEO of Rosy, a sexual health technology platform.

1. Schedule sex.

Don’t be so quick to dismiss it. (After all, it works for sticking to your workout routine—why not extend it to your sexual wellness as well?) Sitting down with your planners and Google calendars and plotting out between work, birthdays, and exercise when you’re going to make time to ~get it on~ may not sound sexy. But “when the partner with responsive desire knows sex will happen at a certain time, they can seek out arousal tools, like erotica, ethical porn, masturbation, or ahead of time to help themselves get in the mood,” says Dr. Harper. (Or, good ol’ daydreaming.)

Plus, assuming you clear out your calendars for longer than, like, thirty minutes, it also ensures there’s plenty of time to do things that help the responsive desire partner get in the mood (think: showering together, kissing, etc.) versus feeling pressured to be ready to go ASAP.

If scheduling sex far ahead doesn’t feel right for you and your partner, consider scheduling date nights instead, and touch base that day about whether sex is on the table or not. Or, try some of these other suggestions first.

2. Intentionally take turns initiating sex.

Often in relationships where one partner experiences spontaneous sexual desire and the other experiences responsive sexual desire, the spontaneous person begins to feel like they’re always the initiator, says Vrangalova. Then, the partner who experiences responsive desire may begin to feel like their partner is constantly pestering them for sex, and feel guilty for saying no. This can lead to resentment on both sides. To interrupt this cycle, she suggests agreeing to take turns extending invitations to one another to have sex. Just remember: Your partner always maintains the right to say no.

Here’s how it works: Pre-determine a period of time within which you’ll each initiate, says O’Reilly. Maybe you’ll plan to initiate sex once per week, and alternate who initiates each week. This way, the responsive desire partner(s) can actively seek out arousal once they’re aroused, says Dr. Harper. (More here: How to Ask Your Partner for More Sex Without Offending Them)

3. Don’t make sex the objective.

Going from zero-percent horny to sex (of any kind) can be super daunting, especially when you’re working or busy child-rearing. Unfortunately, for a lot of couples, lines like “hey, babe, want to try to have sex tonight?” or “want to smash?” are common-place.

Vrangalova’s suggestion? Try asking “I’d love to take a shower together at the end of the day” or “how would you feel about a good old-fashioned makeout session?” instead. Why? Because making things like long passionate kisses, sensual massage, watching porn, reading erotica together, dirty talk, fantasy sharing, hand play, or even cuddling can feel more accessible to a not-currently-turned-on partner. (See More: 10 Foreplay Ideas That Can Be Even Hotter Than Penetration)

“If it progresses to sex from there, great. If not, that’s okay, too!” she says. “You’ll still get the benefit of spending intimate time together.” (And, if it’s applicable, the benefits of human touch.)

4. Lean on pleasure products.

“Research reveals that vibrator use is positively correlated with desire, lubrication, orgasm, lower levels of pain, and overall sexual satisfaction,” says O’Reilly. “So, sometimes some vibration or suction is just what your body needs to get in the mood.” Rather than going right for your hot-spots, spend some time using the vibe on your inner thighs, back, chest tissue and nipples, and the fleshy part of your bum, she suggests. Think of it as a self-care massage—and then let it turn sexual if it feels right.

5. Do a little extra sex ed.

Specifically, read books on this very topic such Mind the Gap by Karen Gurney or Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

Why? Because the greatest obstacle most couples face is their expectation around how sex “should” work, says Vrangalova. “Many people get stuck in this notion that you should only have sex if both partners are spontaneously horny at the exact same time—and refuse sex when that’s not the case.” (Sound familiar?)

Both of these books go into even more depth on topics discussed in this article to help you better understand just how normal any type of sexual desire is and how the messages you might have absorbed through pop-culture are pleasure-blocking your sex. Both also feature exercises you and your boo can do together to help you better understand your preconceived notions about desire, and how to troubleshoot them for boosted pleasure. (Get more wisdom from Nagoski here: How to Get More Pleasure By Shifting Your Mindset.)

What If These Don’t Work?

Okay, so you thought you primarily experienced responsive desire, gave these tricks a try, and still can’t find your libido? First, talk to your healthcare provider. Certain medications, mental health illnesses, and chronic conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer can affect sexual functioning.

If you get the clear from your doc, think about why your body (specifically something known as your sexual inhibition system) might be intentionally keeping you from getting turned on. If your body perceives that it’s in danger, it can actually shut off your ability to get aroused. For instance, if you’re concerned about getting unintentionally pregnant, contracting an STI, or being socially shamed for who/how you’re having sex, arousal just won’t work. Ask yourself: What can I do to limit the (perceived) risk of the sex I want (keyword) to be having?

Also: Reflect on your relationship. How are you feeling about your boo? No doubt, it’s pretty tough to get turned on by a partner you’re feeling resentful of or aren’t feeling comfortable with. Addressing any underlying relationship issues (or TBH, calling it quits) may help.

Regardless, know that any way you experience sexual desire is ok. If you can relinquish the idea of there being a “normal”—because, truly, there is no “normal” in anything sex-related—that just might help you get there.

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7 ways to boost your sex drive

By Ashley Laderer

  • You can increase your sex drive by reducing stress levels, gaining a better understanding of what turns you on, letting go of performance anxiety, and reducing negative anticipation among other methods.
  • Getting enough sleep could also increase your desire for sex since sleep quality can influence libido.
  • You could also try talking to a therapist since this can help you address issues like shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.
  • Media and societal norms lead people to believe that they should be ready to have sex at any given moment. While this is the experience of some people, it certainly isn’t the case for everybody.If you’re looking to increase your sex drive, there are a few things you can do to boost your desire. Here is what the research says.

    There is no such this as a normal sex drive

    Everyone’s libido is different, and the same person’s sex drive might fluctuate over time, depending on circumstances. This is normal. According to sexologist and sexuality counselor Jess O’Reilly, Human Sexuality PhD and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, there’s no universal standard or rule of thumb when it comes to sexual desire.

    “Low desire is only a problem if you deem it one or you find it distressful. Some people want sex several times per day and others don’t want it at all, and all experiences can be perfectly healthy,” says O’Reilly.

    However, if you do find your lack of sexual desire distressing and you want to be more interested in sex, O’Reilly recommends looking at whether your libido is low due to lifestyle or relational factors, which could range from trouble communicating with eachother, lacking emotional connection, or dealing with existing conflicts such as fighting over money or kids.

    Reduce stress levels

    Stress can cause various physical symptoms including a lower libido. 

    O’Reilly says your levels of cortisol — commonly referred to as the stress hormone — rise when you’re stressed out, and this can interfere with your sexual desire and arousal. A 2018 survey conducted by the BBC found that 45% of respondents said that stress negatively affected their sex drive.

    However, learning to reduce or manage stress can be difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support, whether it’s from your partner or a therapist. You can also try stress-relieving activities, such as meditation or exercise. Mindfulness has also proven to help improve sexual desire and sexual functioning, especially in women.

    Understand arousal and learn what turns you on

    For many people, the desire for sex isn’t there 24/7. “Desire does not always occur spontaneously. Most people need to get aroused first, and then they might experience desire. If you sit around waiting for sexual desire to occur on its own, it simply may not happen,” says O’Reilly.

    There are plenty of ways you can ramp up arousal, and thus, desire. Try some of the following:

    • Fantasizing
    • Sexting
    • Watching porn
    • Reading erotic stories
    • Touching yourself
    • Experimenting with sex toys
    • Having your partner kiss and touch you without the expectation of sex
    • Listening to erotica
    • Enjoying music that feels sexual to you

    Get creative and experiment with what turns you on most and increases your desire. O’Reilly says that once you’re aroused, it’s much more likely that desire for sex will follow.

    Expanding your definition of what sex means can also be helpful. If you are not excited by the type of sex you have been engaged in, trying something new can be exciting.

    Let go of performance anxiety

    Performance anxiety, pressure, and stress surrounding sex is likely to curb your arousal and your desire. “Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure, so if you feel pressure to have sex in a certain way, look a certain way, have an orgasm, get hard, get wet, make specific sounds or want sex with a specific frequency, you may find that you lose interest altogether,” says O’Reilly.

    Take time out to really get to know yourself sexually. O’Reilly says that spending time better understanding your body’s unique responses through masturbation can help you to be more at ease when you’re with a partner. She also highly recommends using mindfulness during masturbation, and mindfulness in general, which will result in benefits in partnered sex.

    Practicing mindfulness has been studied with great results in regards to libido. A 2014 study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy examined 117 women who struggled with low desire. After mindfulness training, there was a significant decrease in “sex-related distress.”

    With practice, mindfulness can help you stay in the moment, enjoy pleasure, and let performance anxiety roll off your back. Talking to a therapist or opening up to your partner about your performance anxiety can also be helpful.

    Get enough sleep

    Sleep affects many aspects of your health and behavior, including your sex drive. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lack of quality sleep is correlated to low libido, as well as difficulty orgasming in women.

    O’Reilly says exhaustion can lead to lack of desire for sex.In this case, you should be prioritizing sleep over sex. Once you take care of your sleep habits, you may notice a difference in your libido, according to O’Reilly.

    Address relationship dissatisfaction

    When you’re in a relationship and you’re experiencing issues with your partner, it’s likely that those problems will spill over into the bedroom and leave one or both of you less likely to want sex.

    “If you’re harboring resentment, dealing with a partner who doesn’t want to engage, struggling with ongoing conflict, recovering from hurt and trauma, it’s unlikely that you’ll want sex spontaneously,” says O’Reilly.

    It’s best to work on these issues with your partner rather than sweep them under the rug and hope they go away. O’Reilly suggests talking about underlying sources or tension, and being open about issues. You can do this alone with your partner or with the help of a couples’ therapist.

    Reduce Negative Anticipation

    You might not be looking forward to sex if you are worried about potential or actual negative consequences.

    If you don’t want to get pregnant or are worried about STIs, use barrier methods such as condoms and hormonal birth control. Be sure to have conversations with any partner about your comforts and concerns.

    Some people also experience unwanted pain with sex. This is not something to be excited about. Ask your doctor about any pain or discomfort you experience.

    If you regularly have issues with reliable erections and control over orgasms, you might be worried about sex being pleasurable for you and your partner. Make an appointment with a urologist if you have any issues with erections or orgasms.

    Talk to a therapist

    Talking to a general therapist or a sex therapist can help you deal with underlying psychological reasons that you might be experiencing low sex drive. O’Reilly says this can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.

    There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about regarding sex or seeking therapy to help with your sex life. This can be a way to examine the sources of your distress. If there is an underlying psychological cause, then simply trying to boost your libido probably won’t help. You need to address the fundamental issue at hand, first.

    Try out these tips to give your libido a boost and you’ll be on your way to wanting – and enjoying – sex again.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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SexTech and Disability

— Why These Markets Matter

By Wednesday Lee Friday

Everyone enjoys sex—or could, if they had access to the right products and solutions. Most SexTech is designed with able-bodied consumers in mind, which begs the question: What about the disabled market?

We spoke to leaders at three prominent adult product companies to examine the state of SexTech in terms of accessibility and meeting the needs of those with disabilities. Andrew Gurza, Chief Disability Officer at Handi; Dr. Soum Rakshit, Co-Founder and CEO of Mystery Vibe, and AJ Vitaro, President of Zen by Design.

Responses may be slightly edited for clarity or brevity.

SexTech Magazine: In terms of numbers, how big is the market for able-inclusive products? Is there enough potential revenue on the table to attract industry attention? In other words, does servicing this community make financial sense, as opposed to simply being ‘the right thing to do?

Dr Soum Rakshit: My research shows that 15% of people have some sort of physical disability (not including blindness), though many aren’t disabilities we can see. Setting aside numbers though, good designs should work well for everyone. When we designed Crescendo, versatility was our core concept. This involved adding a lock, making buttons flush, and adding a remote or app control for those who might not be able to reach buttons during use.

AJ Vitaro: Paralysis, for example, due to a wide variety of conditions and injuries, effects nearly two percent of the population in The United States alone. However, being in the furniture design business for over twenty years and connecting with thousands of people, it leads us to believe that these numbers are even higher than anticipated. As far as revenue potential for our company in particular, it is not a target market for us, per say; however, we do attract those with disabilities due to the supportive, ergonomic nature of The Tantra Chair ®.

STM: On a scale of 1-10, how has the SexTech industry performed in terms of able-inclusivity? 

Andrew Gurza: I would rate the SexTech industry a 3/10 in terms of their inclusivity of the disabled population. That isn’t to say that companies haven’t attempted to address the inclusivity gap, however, we rarely see disabled people in the marketing or creation of the products themselves, and if they are considered, it seems to be an afterthought or a PR stunt versus being integrated into the strategy from the outset.

We are one of the only companies with a Chief Disability Officer and disabled Co-Founder who advises on the lived experience and has been integral to the branding and product design. We hope to be setting a positive example of inclusive design and integration.

STM: Can you take us through the launch of one of your inclusive products?

AJV: When we develop a product, the creative process is arduous, time consuming and extremely detailed. Sometimes it can take us over three years to perfect a design concept, and this was true for The Tantra Chair ®. We work with the dimensions of the human body across a very wide spectrum to come up with designs that nurture the majority of people whether they are struggling with an injury, disability or in perfect health. In our initial years, we were very surprised by the amount of people with injuries or disabilities that were pleased beyond measure because they were able to be comfortable again during intimacy. We continue to hear this often and it is something that we are truly grateful for.

Dr. S.R.: We made the product with inclusivity in mind, but did not include people with disabilities in our user group. This wasn’t planned, and we have since added more diversity to test groups. Our purpose is to design products for everyone, not because you want to tick a box. When people put time into a design, it works for everyone.

STM: Products that are marketed to surmount a specific obstacle can often go mainstream unexpectedly. The Clapper, a device that turns off electric appliances by clapping hands, was invented with customers with mobility issues in mind. Similarly, weighted blankets were products used to calm children with autism and hyperactivity disorder. Now these blankets are immensely popular for an array of consumers.  

Still, we wonder if there’s concern in the industry that disability-friendly products will be less desirable to abled people. How might that be mitigated?

AG: Many of the people that we spoke with at Handi as we created our tech were both disabled and non-disabled alike, and they all told us that they wanted a toy that could work for everyone. When you design with disability in mind, you can create a product that is accessible to everyone. At Handi, we also understand that disability will affect everyone at some point in their lives, so we should be creating products with that in mind. It’s like a type of orgasm insurance – even if you don’t need it today, you may very well tomorrow. Not to mention, there’s something very compelling about a hands-free sex toy – which 76% of our able-bodied respondents were interested in.

Dr. S.R. Yes, that’s a perception that can be mitigated with design. Imagine retrofitting something for disability access—a staircase, for example. It’s not going to look as good as a staircase that was designed for access from the beginning. Design is everything. The better the tech is, the less you’ll see it. Adult products push tech forward just as pornography did for internet speed, enhanced picture resolution, accessibility—even the battle between VHS tapes and Betamax was settled by adult content.

AJV: We don’t believe that disability-friendly products will be less desirable to abled people. With our product specifically, it can enhance the life of a person with a disability, an aging couple, or even healthy, adventurous couples.

STM: What should product designers and developers be aware of in order to create more inclusive products? 

Dr. S.R.: Things outside our day-to-day life are often invisible to us. So it’s important to keep updating. Pilot groups are vital to us, and we use 1,000 pilot users for each new product. Even if you can’t have a diverse focus group—piloting works.

AG: A big roadblock in the SexTech category is the lack of marginalized people involved in the creation of the final product from ideation to concept to production.  SexTech needs to actively include these voices all the way through the process if they want to truly be seen as inclusive. Otherwise it can come off as lip service. Talking the talk, but not walking the walk. One of the biggest needs that isn’t being addressed by the current SexTech, is the prevalence of people with limited dexterity or hand disabilities/limitations. The buttons on so many current products are small and not easy to use. Hundreds of millions of people live with this as a result of disabilities, and 63% of the people we surveyed said that they struggled with self-pleasure due to issues with hand mobility. We need more toys that are easier to use; have bigger buttons and are as hands-free as possible.

The only way to effectively address this is to hire more disabled people to work on the product and concept design. Listen to what they have to say; what are their frustrations with products? What are their frustrations with sexuality as disabled people? By truly listening to these stories, you can uncover a need, and from that, you can create a truly groundbreaking product that will not only change their sex life, but will change their life entirely.

AJV: This is a difficult question to answer, but many disabilities stem from nerve damage due to physical injury, stroke, etc. In most of these circumstances, the spinal column is damaged. We hyper focus on spinal support for everyone, may they have an injury, or not and this inadvertently attracts customers that want to maintain a healthy spinal column to those that are injured and limited in mobility. It makes perfect sense to create designs that will enhance the well-being of everyone.

STM: How should inclusion and representation be marketed? Do you lean toward separate marketing for each demographic, or one clear message for everyone?   

Dr. S.R.: We tend to use education rather than marketing, just letting people know what’s available to them. We’re proponents of reverse marketing; simply telling people about a product and inviting them to check it out often yields better results than click funnels and the like.   

STM: What do you see as the main challenges to marketing inclusive products?

AJV: We do not market our products (specifically The Tantra Chair ®) as a medical device for a variety of legal reasons. However, people with disabilities are inadvertently drawn to it, because they recognize that it can help them solve a physical problem or at the very least, create a much more comfortable experience for them.

Dr. S.R.: We have never marketed on the basis of inclusiveness. We think that might be divisive. If we make it a marketing point, people may think it’s not genuine. Inclusiveness should be done by default. The only time we talk about the inclusiveness of our products specifically is in award applications.

What we’re seeing is an industry moving forward to inclusivity as a matter of course. The way forward is to create and market SexTech products that can work for any user, and be effectively marketed across multiple demographics. Extending inclusivity into focus groups and test markets will go a long way toward making the very concept of ability-accessible products a thing of the past. That’s bound to improve sex lives—and every other aspect of life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 ways men can last longer during sex

There are several reasons why you might ejaculate prematurely including poor body image, inexperience, and higher levels of testosterone.

By Madeline Kennedy 

If you are worried that you finish too quickly in bed, you are not alone – around 1 in 3 men in the US report having issues with premature ejaculation. It’s unclear why this happens, but scientists think it’s a combination of psychological and biological factors.

If you aren’t able to have sex for as long as you would like, there are several strategies that can help

How long does the average person last during sex?

The adult film industry often depicts sex going on for hours, which can give a false idea of how long sex should last, says Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, a urologist at the PUR clinic.

According to a 2005 study conducted across 5 countries, vaginal sex generally lasts for around 5 to 6 minutes. 

However, there’s no correct amount of time for sex to last and it’s up to you and your partner to decide what works best.

Why you might not be lasting as long as you want to

It’s common for men to finish too quickly once in a while, but if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.

  • Psychology: Though the exact cause is not well known, “there are definitely psychological aspects to premature ejaculation,” Brahmbhatt says. Studies show that anxiety, particularly anxiety about your sexual performance, is linked to premature ejaculation. Feeling depressed, stressed out, or guilty can also make you more likely to finish quickly. Men may also experience premature ejaculation at higher rates if they have poor body image or are victims of sexual abuse.
  • Experience: Your level of sexual experience can also affect how long you last in bed. “Men may also climax faster if they are not having sex often or this is their first time engaging in any sexual activity,” Brahmbatt says.
  • High amounts of free testosterone: Studies show that men with premature ejaculation tend to have higher levels of free testosterone, which can lead to symptoms like loss of energy and low sex drive. . However, scientists say that more research is needed to determine why this is the case.
  • Hyperthyroidism: Premature ejaculation can also be caused by hyperthyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid gland in your neck produces too much of a hormone called thyroxine. Researchers aren’t sure why thyroid issues affect your sex stamina, but after being treated for hypothyroidism, men are much less likely to experience premature ejaculation.

How to last longer during sex

If you are struggling with finishing too early, here are a five things you can do that may help.

1. Condoms

Since premature ejaculation may be a result of hypersensitivity, using a condom is a simple solution that may make sex last longer. The condom forms a barrier around the penis that dulls sensation and may lead to delayed ejaculation. 

2. The pause-squeeze method

The pause-squeeze method can be done while having sex or masturbating and involves:

  1. Having sex until you feel that you are about to ejaculate.
  2. Then, pulling out and squeezing the tip of your penis for several seconds, or until the need to ejaculate passes.
  3. And finally, continuing to have sex and repeating the technique as needed.

“They theory is you stop the flow, let the penis rest, and then go back at it to increase your time, Brahmbatt says.” 

Brahmbatt says that this can be one of the more difficult treatments for premature ejaculation because it takes a lot of self-control. Practicing repeatedly and communicating clearly with your partner may help ease the process.

Over time, you may be able to train your body to delay ejaculation without using the squeeze maneuver.

3. Pelvic floor exercises

Your pelvic floor muscles lie just below your prostate and your rectum and just like other muscles, they can be strengthened through exercise. Experts believe that if pelvic floor muscles are too weak, it may be harder for you to delay your ejaculation. 

To flex your pelvic floor muscles, act as if you are trying to stop yourself from peeing or passing gas and feel which muscles move. To tone these muscles, you should follow these steps:

  1. Tighten the pelvic floor muscles – you can lie down or sit if this makes it easier.
  2. Hold the muscles taut for 3 seconds.
  3. Relax the muscles for 3 seconds.
  4. Repeat the exercise as many times as needed.

See here for a more comprehensive guide to kegel exercises for both men and women.

To get good results, you should try to do 3 sets of 10 repetitions each day.

If you are still struggling with finishing too early, your healthcare provider can help you or refer you to another expert healthcare provider, since there are also some medications or procedures that you might benefit from.

4. Numbing medications

Numbing medications use ingredients like lidocaine and prilocaine, which work by blocking the nerve signals that make you feel pleasure and pain. These medications generally come as creams or sprays and when they are applied to your penis, you will have decreased sensitivity, and are approved for use in premature ejaculation.

Numbing creams or sprays should be applied to the penis 20 to 30 minutes before sex. Because sexual pleasure will feel less intense, you may be able to delay your ejaculation.

There are some drawbacks to this method, however, as the medication can also decrease your partner’s sensitivity to pleasure. “Make sure your partner knows you are using it — as a heads up and also to make sure they don’t have a history or allergic reaction or problem with its use,” Brahmbatt says.

5. Viagra

Though sildenafil (Viagra) is usually prescribed to treat people who have trouble keeping an erection, research shows that it can help with premature ejaculation as well.

A 2007 study found that Viagra worked well to delay ejaculation and was more effective than the stop-squeeze technique. At the end of the study, 87 percent of subjects using Viagra said they wanted to continue this treatment, compared with 45 percent of subjects using stop and squeeze.

Premature ejaculation is a common condition but it can cause difficulties in your sex life or relationships. If none of these methods work to help you last longer in bed, contact your doctor to help you come up with the most appropriate treatment plan.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!