Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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Why so many moms can’t have great sex

Cultural stereotypes around mothering have a detrimental effect on many moms’ sex lives. Time to rewrite the script

Stressed out mother sipping on a cup of coffee on her messy bed while her three daughters are playing around her

By Gail Cornwall

San Francisco mother Sara Lopes didn’t even realize she’d lost a part of herself until she got it back. “I had been so consumed with both children and starting to work again that we hadn’t had sex in maybe a year and a half,” says Lopes, 41, whose first name has been changed to protect her privacy. “Figuring out how to have dinners prepped, remembering to buy rain boots, paying our credit card bill, scheduling play dates, worrying about summer camps. I couldn’t even think about my social life, let alone my sex life.” Only after Lopes and her husband instituted Saturday night sex did the truth dawn on her: “I had needs that I had absolutely forgotten about.”

Lopes points the finger at herself, but she is not to blame for the problem, and Saturday night sex is not necessarily the solution. A handful of experts who’ve taken a closer look at the science of female sexuality and how it’s impacted by motherhood—from newly postpartum to empty nest—say we’ve had it all wrong.

The common tale of female sexuality fails us

Cultural scripts are stories we watch play out in advertisements, sitcoms, and IRL so often that we know our part. Our roles have come to feel like second nature, like our nature. 

The cultural script we’re told, particularly in the context of heterosexual relationships, goes something like this: Men are hardwired to seek variety; women, stability. Men crave sex; women consent to it (or bargain with it). Men prefer physical closeness; women, emotional intimacy. Men need climax; women are along for the ride.

There’s one problem with these familiar gender scripts: Scientifically speaking, they’re B.S. “Women have been sold a bill of goods,” writes Wednesday Martin in “Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.” “In matters of sex, women are not the tamer, more demure, or reticent sex.”

By our 30s and 40s, many of us figure that out. We embrace our sexuality after realizing, as Dr. Stephanie Buehler puts it: “We are built for pleasure.” We do our part to decrease the “orgasm gap” by seeking out sex where foreplay isn’t just an appetizer to be shoveled down as quickly as possible (or skipped entirely) prior to the main (inter)course.

But when parenthood happens, the difference between male and female reports of desire and satisfaction yawns wider. Ultimately, “a giant share” of mothers in the U.S. aren’t having good sex, says Katherine Rowland, author of “The Pleasure Gap,” which hit shelves just before the pandemic. And that includes a lot of lesbian moms. Why? Often, it’s because a mom-specific scripts has stepped in. Cultural stereotypes about motherhood often fall into one of these seven ruts.

1. I can’t really think about myself right now

Lydia Elle, 40, is a single mom with a 10-year-old in Los Angeles. She told me that she felt like when she became a mom, it became all-encompassing: “almost like ‘mom’ eclipsed ‘woman,'” she says. “Nurturing is a wonderful thing, but when you feel like that’s your only role, it’s a hindrance for good sex, because for that, you have to switch from being a giver to being okay being a receiver.”

We bring up girls to be helpful and empathetic, anticipating others’ needs and satisfying them. To “have it all” can often mean to give your all. To everyone. All the time.

You can partially thank the Victorians for this. In 1862, Dr. William Acton famously said, “As a general rule, a modest woman seldom desires any sexual gratification for herself.” But this is just a belief, and not one we’ve always held. Rowland says the Greeks thought female orgasm was required for conception. There’s no reason modern Americans can’t change the way we conceive of female pleasure.

2. I’m too touched-out

With a baby at her breast and a toddler clinging to her legs, one Seattle-area mom, who prefers not to be named, said the last thing she wants at night is another set of hands on her body. Buehler, a psychologist and sex therapist who’s written multiple books, says the idea of “touch fatigue” is so popular that she was shocked to find not a single scientific study confirming the phenomenon. But it makes sense when you think about it: Have you met many moms who’ll turn down a professional massage? It’s not that parents who spend a good deal of time with young children don’t want to be touched, Buehler thinks. They just don’t want another unpleasant, obligatory touch: “You have a partner who has needs, but they may feel like demands. And then the woman is like, ‘I am not here to service everybody,'” she says. Others simply find the gear-shift hard to manage, Buehler says, thinking, “How am I supposed to be this adoring, nurturing mother by day, and then be this sex goddess by night?”

3. I don’t feel like myself

This feeling of having one’s identity pulled and even torn can be especially acute when kids are small. Becoming a mother can make us feel disconnected from partners and from our former selves. “Most people need to feel relaxed in order to feel pleasure,” says reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks, M.D., co-author of “What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood.” “It can be hard to feel relaxed if you don’t feel like you.”

4. My to-do list is in bed with us

The domestic labor, emotional labor, and mental load that Lopes described isn’t just a time suck—it can also be a desire suck. “If mentally you are distracted, that is going to create tension in your body, and that is going to make it difficult to get aroused,” says Buehler. “To have good sex, you have to be both relaxed and aroused.” Both can be inhibited by rising maternal workload (time-use diaries indicate mothers spent twice as much time engaging with their children in 2012 as they did in 1965) that’s produced rising levels of stress. So too can inequitable division of household labor—exhaustion with a side of resentment is hardly an aphrodisiac.

5. My body’s like, ‘No way’

Dr. Sacks’s co-author, Catherine Birndorf, M.D., says physiology unique to the postpartum window also plays a role: “After you deliver, you are practically in a menopausal state.” Hormone fluctuations can lead to pain, dryness, and lack of sex drive. Moms who are menopausal and perimenopausal often know these symptoms too well. Stacy Tessler Lindau, M.D., who is director of Womanlab and a professor at the University of Chicago, says even when that’s not the case “arousal may take more effort, more concentration.” A variety of other medical diagnoses can also make sex painful, and of course, disrupted sleep has been shown to decrease sex drive.

Medications, too, can play a role. Research is mixed on whether hormonal birth control depresses libido. But, in Dr. Lindau’s clinical experience, some women do experience difficulty with libido on the pill that gets better when they switch to an IUD. Another pharmacological suspect: Women have higher rates of depression and anxiety, says Buehler, and many of the medications to treat them can dampen desire.

6. My body—especially my vagina—has seen better days

Feeling desirable has been shown to increase one’s own desire. Since shame and insecurity are not exactly relaxing, it’s no wonder that internalized ideals of flat tummies and svelte arms can tank libido. That’s true at any stage of life, but physical changes wrought by pregnancy, delivery, and the lingering effects of both can create or compound body image issues. So too can the shape shift that often accompanies menopause.

In a particularly nasty spin-off of body image stress, there’s growing concern among women that their labia are too loose or veiny, a condition dubbed “vaginal orthorexia” by Jen Gunter, M.D., author of “The Vagina Bible.” With everything from surgery to “soundwave therapy” to injection of collagen being marketed to us, the number of women who shell out for “vaginal rejuvenation” procedures has skyrocketed over the last decade, despite the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists calling most such treatments “not medically indicated” and stating that they “pose substantial risk.”

7. Sex just isn’t much fun anymore

Reasons one through six often contribute to and culminate in a seventh reason for decreased libido: All the things that make for good sex—energy, relaxation, playfulness, time, and curiosity—are in short supply after children. That leaves bad sex. And research has proven that bad sex decimates desire.

Think of it this way. The old you liked salad: Freshly rinsed butter lettuce with perfectly tender slices of chicken, ripe strawberries, toasted almonds, and goat cheese with a touch of honey. Or at least you’d hoped to find a salad like that. But these days, the only lettuce you encounter is a day-old pre-pack from an Airport kiosk. It makes sense that some women start to think they just don’t like salad.

One sexual equivalent of limp leaves and mealy tomatoes is when your partner employs what sexperts call “crude initiations”— heading straight to penetration or similarly intense activity without teasing or anticipation, making you feel not alluring so much as … convenient. It’s a form of benign neglect, where a mate or date just doesn’t put in the effort required to arouse. And then there’s habituation—your sex salad is fine, good even. But few of us find joy in eating the same salad week after week, month after month, year after year.

The point is that giving up the sexual side of ourselves after we’ve had kids can be a perfectly sensible reaction to the situation we’re in. “Women hold themselves hostage to this idea that they have low desire, and that they need to work on themselves in order to ‘fix’ a problem, when their low desire is really a healthy, rational, and reasonable response to the fact that they aren’t enjoying the kind of sex that they’re having,” says Rowland.

So what do we do about it?

First, what not to do: Take a hard pass on medicalizing solutions like vaginal rejuvenation and “female Viagra.” And you don’t need to force yourself to have sex as you might go to the gym, with an “it’s painful, but boy you’ll be glad you did it” mentality. A lingerie budget isn’t required either.

Instead of ditching your cozy jammies, say goodbye to those old gendered scripts and the mother-specific ones as well. Believing women naturally don’t like sex as much as men or are too touched out to enjoy it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy—especially when these beliefs get reinforced by distracted, unexciting sex. And that’s a shame, because as Dr. Lindau says, “libido gives people a sense of being alive.”

Instead, I think there are new mantras we can all agree on.

First, moms deserve to relax. Basic prerequisites to relaxation include reliable childcare and equitable division of labor. As Dr. Birndorf puts it, “If we had some time and had some space, we’d all be in the freaking mood.” Believe you’re entitled to it, and then share this priority with anyone who can help make it happen—your partner, your boss, your parents.

Second, moms want sex. If you feel disconnected from your partner, misunderstood, or unseen, Dr. Sacks says, you probably can’t enjoy sex with them until they get to know you again—or get to know your new self for the first time. Making time to talk can help, and you can check out Jessica Graham’s “Good Sex” for next-level info on how to use mindfulness to facilitate reconnection with your partner and yourself. You’ll likely find the new you can contain the old one too. Moms can give and claim. We can be caretakers and want sex, and not just any sex, hot sex.

And finally, moms are desirable. You need to feel hot for hot sex to happen, and this means including yourself in the definition of what’s hot. “After you have children, as you get older, you may need to challenge cultural norms of beauty and of sexuality in order to more fully enjoy your own sensuality,” Dr. Sacks says, “Because the chase to look like someone else or be someone else—and that also applies to being a younger version of yourself—certainly isn’t relaxing and it certainly isn’t on the pathway to pleasure.” But it isn’t all about you practicing self-compassion and redefining your new creases and folds as attractive. 

Your partner, whether for decades or a tryst, needs to ask what you want and then put in the time and energy needed to give it to you; you deserve someone who tells you when they like how you’ve made them feel, and brings a sense of mystery and adventure to the bedroom. But most won’t do that, they won’t even realize they should try to do that, until they too chuck the old scripts in favor of these new three. Moms deserve to relax. Moms want sex. Moms are desirable.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How mindful sex helped me through the pandemic this year

When Emma Firth had a sexual awakening, she was surprised to find an inner calm

By Kate Moyle

For me, a rather happy respite in this s**t show of a year was, unexpectedly, meeting someone and connecting with them sexually.

When the pandemic hit in March, establishing a routine was the most prescribed self-care tonic on my Instagram feed. Easy, I thought. Though, after a while, the Groundhog Days started to grate. Everything felt so deeply monotonous. Combine that with the onslaught of a grim news cycle, mute social life, and meeting anyone new seemingly out of bounds or, as one friend so deftly described dating this year: “If it were a banner? Bleak Until Further Notice.” It wasn’t so much missing romance, so much as much as the possibility of it.

But on meeting my partner I entered into a world of the good kind of uncertainty, as opposed to looming-threat-and-panic-in-a-pandemic kind. A flicker of hope and frivolity, in a landscape shrouded in doom and gloom. Our early courtship was more like being in a Jane Austen novel i.e. lots of walking and public encounters. Time felt slower, and sweeter, in his company. Similarly, when we’ve been intimate, I savour every moment. I am never thinking I should do anything. I’m just enjoying the meandering of sensations; the warmth of his touch, his mouth on mine, being fully present in my body. Here, I am blissfully immune to rules or expectations.

As such, the experience is all the more satisfying, and stress-relieving, because I’m in the moment. Like a good, long walk. The ones that are totally aimless. You amble up and down, maybe stop for a bit and then, somewhere along the way come across something so mesmerising that, for a brief moment, you just sort of bathe in its beauty. Afterwards, you feel connected, energised, restored. We’re living through an undeniably tumultuous period. Seeing our friends’ lives play out on our phone screens; comparison culture at an all-time high; professional uncertainty. Sex should be a soothing intermission. Free of judgement or external worries. And for me it is.

Before I met him, I was craving physical intimacy more than ever, like a lot of people during a year of U Can’t Touch This. The erotic friction that occurs when you know you are attracted to someone. Every moment titillating. Sex written in every look, hand hold, kiss, until finally your bodies are in motion. Like slowly, one by one, adding logs to a burning fire.

 It’s all part of the “sex dance”, as I like to call it. Or, as I’ve recently discovered it’s been co-opted, ‘mindful sex’. A term which is so hot right now, there’s a new book dedicated to it: Mindful Shagging: The Calmer Sutra by Rhonda Yearn. My first thought upon hearing this emerging lust-based lexicon? Ugh. Yet another thing to remember to be mindful about. Scepticism aside – I fully support the sentiment in practice. According to Yearn, it’s about “bringing our awareness” to this moment in time. Sex that “produces inner calm, tranquillity and self-acceptance.” Something we could all use a higher dose of in 2020.  To break it down further, mindful sex is a shift away from conventional mind-filled sex. The latter a fixed, goal-orientated concept. So often fed to us, be it through films to conversations with friends, that you’ve nailed it (pah!) only if one reaches orgasm. Being naked with another person is peak vulnerability, why add a layer of stress to such an enterprise? Not least in the age of Covid-19, a year that has been marred by a tsunami of emotional tension and pressure for so many of us.  Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist Kate Moyle offers up a useful framework here to “tune out to turn on.” First, try and take distractions out of your environment i.e. no tech (“our brains are primed to notice things [and] take in new information.”) Secondly, introduce sensory cues (“something like LOVE Sleep pillow spray from This Works, it helps create a shift in context”). Thirdly – and most importantly – “avoid putting pressure on yourself.”

This, I can report, has been the most significant shift this year. I am notably happier, in every aspect of my life, when I just ‘go with the flow.’ No rush to get to the next level. One of my pet peeves is when girlfriends want to delve into the-morning-after chat. So often it feels like a performance review. What was it like? What did you do? What did he do? And so on.

Sex isn’t a performance, it’s an experience. If I look back through my archive of subpar, um, sessions, they’ve always been the ones I’ve built up in my mind beforehand. Which is a recipe for disappointment. Like New Year’s Eve (my most hated day of the year). You angle it to be the best night ever, you will look incredible, they’ll be fireworks, the whole shebang. So that when you get to the big day itself it’s, at worst, panic-inducing. At best, mind-numbingly anti-climactic. Far better to just make it up as you go, take pleasure in the moments, as they occur. Be zen AF…quite literally.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why you need to prioritise your own orgasm

– and it’s not only because they feel amazing

Sadly, no one else will do it for you.

by Faye M Smith

Can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm? For most women, they last just 10.9 seconds. And, while that may seem rather quick, orgasms can do more than just make you feel good in that short space of time. So you could be missing out on vital health benefits!

If you need help to prioritise your own orgasm, then trying one of the best vibrators could be for you. More than a quarter of British women claim they are “more likely” to orgasm if they use one, found sexual wellness brand Lovehoney.

So, why should you prioritise your own orgasm? Well, not only do the endorphins released during arousal help ease pain, but a study in Israel found that women who had two orgasms per week were 30% less likely to have heart disease. Plus, American research found that menopausal women who had an orgasm every week had oestrogen levels twice as high as those who didn’t, which is essential for protecting bones.

But, with the average woman taking 13 minutes and 25 seconds to climax, according to the Kadave Institute of Medical Sciences, many women don’t feel they have time to fit more sex or masturbation into their already busy lives. “Too many women are afraid to address this fundamental issue and enjoy the sex they deserve,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert with Lovehoney.

This is why you need to prioritise your own orgasm. Ready? Here’s how to make sure you have an orgasm every time…

Learn to de-stress and prioritise your own orgasm

Pressures with work or family will directly affect when (or if) you reach climax. “The biggest psychological barrier to orgasm is stress – it’s essentially a sexual poison,” says Annabelle.

Timing is key, so choose a time to have sex or masturbate when you’re not rushing around. Plus, remember to breathe deeply throughout; it will help you block out distractions. A belter of an orgasm is achievable – you just need to relax.

Tightening your pelvic floor can help you orgasm

A weakened pelvic floor can cause a loss in sensation, yet a third of women are too embarrassed to bring the topic up with their GP, found a survey by wellness charity Jo’s Cervical Trust.

“Learning to control your pelvic floor can help you climax,” says Annabelle. Tone up by doing 100-200 pelvic floor contractions daily. Never done them before? Imagine you are stopping a fart, then a wee, then draw these two feelings in together.

Changing positions can help you prioritise your own orgasm

Is your sex life predictable? If it’s the same position every Tuesday after EastEnders, then, sadly, it is. Mixing things up could make accessing your G-spot easier. Need inspiration? Then have sex somewhere different, such as outside or in the shower.

“Trying new positions is important for increasing your orgasm potential, as is remembering that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Some positions are better for this than others, such as missionary. Make sure that you and your partner move in a circular motion, rather than thrust, as this maximises stimulation.”

Faking an orgasm is a waste of time when it comes to your pleasure

Faking your orgasms because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings? “It’s one of the most damaging things a person can do to their own sexual happiness,” warns Annabelle.

“If your partner’s doing something good in bed, tell them. If they’re not, remind them of a time you experienced pleasure and express a desire to repeat this. Reading erotic fiction together can help, as it includes scenarios you could both explore. This also removes sexual responsibility and eliminates any blame your partner might feel if you were to talk directly to them about something you don’t like.”

Eating right can help you prioritise your orgasm

Feeling hungry? Oysters, chocolate, peppers, eggs and spinach can improve your chances of reaching orgasm. “Aphrodisiacs create a sense of heightened sexual state – sometimes just thinking about an aphrodisiac may work as one,” says Annabelle.

“They can also work by producing chemicals linked to sexual desire and increase blood flow, meaning our genitals have access to a ready supply of blood, which makes them engorged and leads to sexual arousal.”

Knowing that you deserve an orgasm will help you have one

“Women have had a rough deal when it comes to sexual pleasure and many struggle with issues, such as shame,” says Annabelle. In fact, a survey by sex-toy brand Tenga found that only 14% of British females were taught about pleasure as part of their sexual education.

“At school, anything to do with sex is discussed with the view that it’s for procreation and nothing else,” says Annabelle. “This delivers a damaging message to women that their pleasure is not only unimportant, but also not to be expected.”

Why you should seek help if you struggle to orgasm

Feel your sex-to-orgasm ratio isn’t sufficiently balanced? Don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional. “A woman who doesn’t think she has had an orgasm should see her GP. She’s denying herself one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer,” says Annabelle.

Thankfully, there are simple changes that can solve the situation. “Certain medications and medical conditions can contribute to lack of orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Usually, though, it’s purely down to poor sexual technique and not enough lubrication, which can make foreplay and intercourse painful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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24 Ways You or Your Penis-Having Partner Can Increase Penile Sensitivity

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

For many folks, sexual satisfaction is all about the feels, so if you or your penis-having partner are experiencing decreased sensitivity down there, it could really mess with your ability to get off.

There are a few things that can cause a decrease in penile sensation, from the way a person masturbates to lifestyle habits and hormone imbalances. The good news: There are ways to get back that lovin’ feeling.

To be clear, there’s a big difference between less sensation and numbness.

Having less sensation — which is what we’re focusing on in this article — means you don’t feel as much sensation in your peen as you did before.

A numb penis is a whole other ball of wax and refers to not being able to feel any normal sensation when your penis is touched.

Yep, how you pleasure yourself might be affecting your penile sensation.

What does this have to do with it?

The way you masturbate can lead to decreased sensitivity. Some people call this “death grip syndrome.”

The gist is that people who masturbate using a very specific technique or tight grip can become desensitized to other types of pleasure over time.

When this happens, coming or even getting any pleasure without the exact move or pressure becomes difficult.

If you’re feeling all the feels just fine when you masturbate but find that partner sex is where the sensation is lacking, there are a couple potential reasons.

A thinner or smaller-than-average penis, or even too much lube (natural wetness or synthetic), can mean less friction — and ultimately sensation — during intercourse.

What can you do to help address this?

Just switching up your technique should do the trick and help you recondition your sensitivity.

If death grip is the issue, depending on how you’re used to masturbating, this might mean loosening your grip, stroking at a slower pace, or both.

You could also mix things up with a sex toy made for penis play, like the Super Sucker UR3 Masturbator, which you can buy online, or TENGA Zero Flip Hole Masturbator, which is also available online. And don’t forget the lube!

If intercourse is the issue, some positions make for a tighter fit and therefore more friction.

Here’s a little secret: Tweaking any position so your partner can keep their legs tight together during sex should work.

Plus, if anal sex is what you’re both into, the anus is by nature a tighter squeeze. Just be sure to use a lot of lube if you take it to the backside.

And speaking of a lot of lube: If an abundance of wetness is making sex feel a bit like a Slip ’N Slide, a quick wipe with some tissue should fix it.

Certain lifestyle habits can be to blame for your peen’s lessened sensitivity.

What does this have to do with it?

Do you bicycle a lot? Do you masturbate frequently? These things can cause the sensitivity in your peen to tank if you do them often.

When it comes to masturbation, how often you do it matters if you’re doing it a lot, according to research that has linked hyperstimulation to decreased penile sensitivity.

As for bicycling, bicycle seats put pressure on the perineum — the space between your balls and anus. It presses on blood vessels and nerves that provide feeling to the penis.

Sitting in a hard or uncomfortable chair for long periods can do the same.

What can you do to help address this?

Masturbation is healthy, but if the frequency of your handy treats is causing a problem, taking a break for a week or two can help get your penis feeling back to itself.

If you sit or bicycle for long periods, take regular breaks. Consider swapping out your bike seat or usual chair for something more comfortable.

Testosterone is the male sex hormone responsible for libido, not to mention a bunch of other functions.

If your testosterone (T) level drops, you might feel less responsive to sexual stimulation and have trouble getting aroused.

T levels decrease as you age. Damage to your danglers — aka testicles — can also affect T, as well as certain conditions, substances, and cancer treatment.

Your doctor can diagnose low T with a simple blood test and treat it using testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). Lifestyle changes, like regular exercise, maintaining a moderate weight, and getting more sleep can also help.

Certain medical conditions and medications can affect sensation in the penis.

What does this have to do with it?

Diabetes and multiple sclerosis (MS) are just a couple conditions that can damage nerves and affect sensation in different body parts, including the penis.

Medications used to treat Parkinson’s disease can also reduce penile sensation as a side effect.

Ensuring that any underlying condition is well managed might help bring the feels back.

If medication’s the culprit, your doctor may be able to adjust your dose or change your medication.

Sexual pleasure isn’t just about your D. Your brain plays a big role, too.

What does this have to do with it?

If you’re dealing with anxiety, stress, depression, or any other mental health issue, getting in the mood can be near impossible. And even if you really want to get down to business, your penis may not be as receptive.

What can you do to help address this?

It really depends on what’s going on mentally.

Taking some time to unwind before sexy time can help if you’re feeling stressed or anxious.

A hot bath or shower can help your mind and muscles relax. The warm water also increases circulation, which can help increase sensitivity and make your skin more responsive to touch.

If you’re regularly struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression, or having trouble coping with stress, reach out for help.

Talk to a friend or loved one, see a healthcare provider, or find a local mental health provider through the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Not to be punny, but try to not beat yourself silly over this.

We get how frustrating it must be to not be able to enjoy the sensation you want or expect during sexual activity.

Here are some things to keep in mind if you’re struggling.

It’s probably not permanent

Chances are your lessened penile sensation can be improved.

As we’ve already covered, changes in technique, getting in the right frame of mind, or some lifestyle tweaks may be all that’s needed to get your penis feeling right again.

A healthcare provider can help with any underlying medical or mental health issues and recommend the right treatments.

Go easy on yourself

We’re not just talking about choking your chicken either! Stressing about this and putting pressure on yourself will only make things worse in the pleasure department.

Give yourself time to relax and get in the mood before play, and permission to stop and try another time if you’re not feeling it.

Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help

Penis health and sexual health are just as important as other aspects of your health.

If there’s something going on with your penis or your ability to enjoy sexual activity, a professional can help.

Good penis health is in your hands

You can’t control everything, but there are things you can do to help keep your penis healthy:

  • Eat a healthy diet, including foods shown to boost penis health by lowering inflammation and improving T levels and circulation.
  • Get regular exercise to improve mood and T levels, manage your weight, and lower your risk for erectile dysfunction and other conditions.
  • Learn to relax and find healthy ways to cope with stress to improve your T levels, mood, sleep, and overall health.

If it’s your partner who’s struggling with lessened sensitivity down there, don’t worry. Chances are there’s a good reason for it, and it’s probably not what you think.

Here are some things to keep in mind if it’s getting to you.

Don’t take it personally

Your first instinct may be to blame yourself if your partner isn’t enjoying sex. Try to not do this.

Sounds harsh, but: Not your penis, not your problem.

As a loving partner, of course you want them to feel good. But unless you’ve damaged their penis by taking a hammer to it, their lessened penile sensitivity isn’t your fault, so don’t make it about you.

I repeat, don’t make it about you

Seriously, it’s not your penis!

As frustrated as you might be, keep it to yourself

Not trying to dismiss your feelings or anything, but as frustrated as you may be that your partner isn’t feeling it even when you pull out your best moves, it’s probably a lot more frustrating for them.

That said, if your partner’s lack of sensation results in a marathon shag sesh that causes chafing to your nether regions, of course you have the right to take a break or stop. It’s your body, after all. Just be mindful of how you say it.

Ask what your partner needs from you

EVERYONE should be asking what their partner needs when it comes to sex and relationships. It’s the key to making both great.

Do they need a little time to relax before action moves to the peen? Do they need more foreplay that focuses on other pleasure spots to help them get in the mood? Do they want to just stop altogether? Don’t be afraid to ask.

If you’ve lost some of that lovin’ feeling down below, your lifestyle and pleasure routine — solo or partnered — may provide some clues. If not, your doctor or other healthcare provider can help.

In the meantime, be patient and kind with yourself, and consider some of your other pleasure zones for satisfaction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Women Over 40 With Amazing Sex Lives Have In Common

by Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD

When it comes to midlife and sexuality, what are the stories that need to be challenged if we want to be among the sexually woke? Inasmuch as these stories are causing harm or are not true, what might be a healthier way to view the same situation?

As an example, let me tell you how this worked for me. In my early-40s, life felt like I was on a conveyor belt going in one direction and largely out of my control. I was driven by a list of things I was supposed to do. Financial planners told me how much money I needed to earn and save to live to 95, to send my kids to an average of six years of private college, and to keep my invented life looking perfect from the outside. We predicted the rise and fall of the stock market for the next 50 years. Every morning, I got up and did what I was supposed to do. I made lots of money, won lots of awards, and made things seem amazing on Facebook.

My then-husband and I had complex wills, life insurance policies, disability policies, and every other imaginable tool to create the illusion that we had this life figured out and under control. I knew the precise date I was going to retire, as well as the date we were going to sell our home. I knew the dates our kids would get married, how much their weddings would cost, when I would become a grandparent, and the date each of us would probably die. Nothing was unknown.

If the goal of all this planning and attempting to manipulate the future was to provide a sense of safety and security, why did the idea of getting old fill me with dread? Why did following this nicely mapped-out path feel like I was being buried in an early grave? The fact was I had nothing to look forward to. There was nothing exciting or surprising to anticipate. Life had been wrapped carefully and stuffed into a box. Looking into the future felt like looking down a long, dark, narrowing tunnel. It was a death march.

At that same time, I was struggling with getting older. I was getting crow’s feet. Gray hairs became too many to pluck out. My sex drive was nonexistent. Women much younger than me were enjoying leadership roles and accolades and were prominently featured in the media. I could feel myself slowly being pushed out of the picture of what matters.

The real reason women’s sex lives decline over time.

After hearing Ben Zander talk about his book The Art of Possibility in 2010, the wall of that tunnel started to be a little more opaque. A little light started to come in. If there was light on the other side of those tunnel walls, what was out there? I read Zander’s book, and my curiosity started to rise. Within a few months, I was devouring a book every week and attending every seminar I could find on the subject of personal growth and spirituality. As my self-invented tunnel started to crumble, the future began to look quite different: an open field of possibility, openness, emptiness—a blank canvas ready for me to paint.

The degree to which this changed my life cannot be overstated, and all I did was change my perspective. Nothing “out there” changed. The only thing that changed was my ability to see it. I woke up.

Here’s an observation from 20 years as a gynecologist and 52 years as a woman. When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important “secret.” It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

The sexual freedom that can come with age.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives. Surprisingly to me, many women shared similar images and metaphors to describe their own awakening. In Robin’s words:

“The idea of the fullness in life when we are younger is paradoxical because we tend to think of fullness related to success, achievement, money, and status. Then we find the futility when we get to menopause—the futility of trying to hold it all together. The first half of my life, I felt like I was building a very solid structure. That gave me some comfort. But then we literally start to see our bodies fall apart and realize that it’s all falling apart really. That solid structure was not based on anything real. My new house got old, my perfect kids grew up and didn’t do what the plan dictated, and my marriage fell apart. For me, the acceptance of that and letting go of the fantasy of solidity really let me enter the fullness of life. With the solidity of the walls I had created, I had no access to other possibilities. I was pretty delusional that life was solid. After my divorce, I was free—finally free to have that fullness of life and be available to meet someone I could be my full self with as my full sexual being. I’m 55, and life has never been better. As for sex, I’m only just beginning to find out where I can go with that. There’s no road map, no walls. I can go wherever I want. It’s beautiful.”

All of a sudden you have some space. You can finally ask those questions like, “What am I really here to do?” With that space to reflect, you can integrate yourself, pull all those pieces together, and really show up. People might call it a midlife crisis, saying, “Oh, she went nuts, left her husband, and moved to France.” But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s an awakening. More like, “Oh, I’ve only been half here all this time.” When you’ve cut off your sexual being and then find it, it’s like you’ve been walking around without one arm then realizing that you have both. “Wow! Look at all these things I can do now with two arms!” Alexa shares another beautiful metaphor:

“I think of my sexuality as a sea snail, the kind with the coiled shell. For most of my life, my sexuality had lived inside a shell. For one thing, it’s not safe to be gay, so I hid. But now when I feel safe and happy, the snail will venture out of her shell and start to venture across the ocean floor and explore this unknown new world. I used to think the shell was a prison, but it’s really just a place to be safe if there’s real harm around. When I feel safe, there’s a door that I can venture out of and go as far as I want.

I’m 61, and I was thinking about women my age whose sexuality has gone out like the tide or at least they think it has. Then I started thinking about spaciousness, to live in the spaciousness of the unknown, of possibility. Inside the shell can feel safer, but I think an existence with spaciousness is what we are hopefully evolving into. There’s this ‘letting go of certainty’ aspect in sexuality that mirrors letting go into the spiritual life. For me, I think that’s how those two come together. There’s a huge element of letting go around the time of menopause. The reality of our finite life can be very freeing. There’s a letting go of needing to be a certain way, the way that conforms to being young. Instead of framing that as loss, to me it’s letting go of a whole lot of baggage and realizing your shell has a door. It’s freedom.”

I was amazed at how frequently words like freedom and liberation were used by the sexually woke in relation to midlife. This certainly wasn’t what I was taught! Freedom came in many forms: freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from fear of pregnancy, and even freedom to make more noise or be more spontaneous without family in the house. Christine adds:

“Sex is so liberating now. I am past the baby stage. There’s no more waiting for a period to either get here or not and no more worrying about getting pregnant. I know what I like, and we are comfortable with each other. His body knows my body; it ‘listens,’ and it’s learned when to move left or right, keep going, stop, or try something else. Although we talk openly about sex, sometimes he just knows exactly what to do by the way my body is responding. It’s like we are in our 20s again but better because we’ve both learned so much and look forward to just being together.”

“It seems to me there are two possibilities. One is that you are still in a fog of years of youthful, idiotic, and delusional thinking, not really understanding things. On the other hand, now with some years and experience under your belt, you have a certain strength, clarity, and wisdom. I am starting to understand things. In the old days, they would have called me a crone. The wise old woman that the village would go to for advice. But maybe I can be a sexy crone. I feel better than ever. I don’t care so much what other people think. I am free to be myself. I can make love with my husband, and I am all here.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Having an Amazing Sex Life During and After Menopause

By

When cartoonist Sharon Rosenzweig was 45 and going through a divorce, she felt the pressure to meet someone new right away. “By the time I’m in my fifties,” she remembers thinking, “I’m going to be so old, I won’t even be interested in sex anymore.” She had this idea that menopause would eradicate her sex drive.

Turns out, she was wrong. She met the man who would become her second husband in the middle of menopause and was surprised to find her sex drive was still quite active. But she did have things to figure out, namely vaginal dryness, a common issue of menopausal and post-menopausal individuals.

Her doctor prescribed her estriol cream and it has made all the difference. For Sharon, sex is now better post-menopause. “I’m surprised how [my body] keeps getting more responsive. Orgasms are longer and more powerful than they used to be. I don’t know if that is me being more comfortable, like being older actually helps, or if it’s this cream or it’s just having figured out a little bit more.”

By the way, estriol cream can be expensive. Sharon recommend looking into https://www.womensinternational.com/contact/ — an affordable pharmacy that does mail order.

Sharon tells her story in the new comic collection Menopause: A Comic Treatment. The embedded video is a promotion for the collection and tells Sharon’s story.

Sharon’s story is not uncommon. MaryJane Lewitt, PhD, RN, CNM, FACNM, is a nurse, midwife, and qualitative researcher who studies the sexuality of post-menopausal individuals. She is finding that, like Sharon has discovered, post-menopause is a time of life where many folks are able to prioritize their own sexuality and overall quality of life.

I interviewed MaryJane about her research. Below, you’ll find tips on navigating sex, relationships, and a holistic sexual self during and post-menopause from MaryJane and Sharon.

But first, a note on the gendered terms used in this article. Since MaryJane’s research has focused primarily on cisgender individuals born with vulvas, for this article, when I quote MaryJane, that’s who we are referring to; however, I hope anyone experiencing menopause can feel included.`

And actually, much of the advice is applicable to anyone in their later years regardless of gender, because much of the changes related to aging aren’t just about menopause. This is really about embracing your whole self through all of life’s changes.

1. Redefine Your Sexual Self

Many aspects of aging can impact one’s sexual desires and goals. You may experience changes in your relationships and your lifestyle, along with physical changes. Menopause (and aging in general) will bring changes to the texture, tone and sensitivity of your skin, including your erogenous zones. You’ll also experience changes to your body hair and natural lubrication.

Combined, these changes can impact what you find pleasurable, as well as how you view yourself as a sexual being. “Women have to deal with the way their body is now versus their expectation of who they were sexually before,” MaryJane said.

What’s important to remember is that these changes do not have to stop you from being a satisfied sexual being, they may just change what that means. And it does not need to be the same as what it was before or what it means to your neighbor.

“Every woman defines what her ideal sexual state is and what her own personal sexuality can be,” MaryJane explained. “It’s not the same for every single individual. Some people want to make sure that they continue sexual intimacy in their lives. Other women don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy in their lives for them to be sexual creatures.”

2. Schedule Time To Talk to Your Healthcare Provider About Sex

“One thing I’m hearing over and over again is that conversations about sexuality with healthcare providers — even OBGYNs, nurse practitioners and midwives — are not happening at the frequency that most patients’ desire.”

These conversations can be uncomfortable for both parties involved, and often, neither the provider nor the patient wants to initiate.

Another reason these conversations aren’t happening is that people assume that the problems they’re facing with their sex life can’t be helped. MaryJane explained this isn’t necessarily true: “A lot of things are starting to become available to women for addressing different elements of their sexuality.”

For instance, during menopause, the body produces less natural lubrication and some over-the-counter lubricants can dry out the skin even more and can aggravate the skin. Physicians can prescribe or offer suggestions for lubricants that will work better.

This is what Sharon experienced. She assumed her doctor would just suggest using generic OTC lubricant, but he was actually well-versed in this issue and had something better for Sharon to try (the estriol cream).

“You have to get past the embarrassment of saying what it is that you are having trouble with. I’ve known my doctor for 25 years, and it was really hard to bring up this topic of vaginal dryness and say those words to my doctor, even though he’s delivered babies,” she explained.

MaryJane recommends scheduling a specific appointment to talk about sex. “These take longer conversations with their healthcare providers to almost give women permission to explore different toys and really figure out what works best for them.”

To prepare for these appointments, she also recommends taking an inventory about what you want and what you’re experiencing. Here are examples of questions to ask yourself from MaryJane:

  • What are the things that you’ve tried to help improve your own personal satisfaction?
  • What are some of the things that have not worked?
  • When have you wanted to experience something different?
  • Was it related to desire? Was it related to something physical?
  • Were you having issues with urine leakage during intercourse which made you feel uncomfortable so you could not reach orgasm? Or was it a lack of that sensation?
  • Are you comfortable with masturbation?”

3. It’s Time to Play

If traditional sexual intimacy (penetrative sex and masturbation) is important to you, but you’re experiencing changes in what’s pleasurable, it’s time to play.

As you age, what feels good changes more quickly. “You’ve got to shift and adapt on a regular basis in order to continuously create those moments of pleasure and intimacy,” Maryjane explained.

To learn to shift and adapt, try new strategies in bed when alone and with partners, which will allow you to rediscover new avenues for pleasure and navigate your body’s changes.

As an example, let’s talk about orgasms. Per MaryJane, post-menopause, it can take people with vulvas longer to achieve orgasm, and the nature of the orgasms can change. “They have to either pregame with a lot more foreplay or different lubricants or, for the first time, they have to try more specific forms of external stimulation from the variety of toys out there.”

And play does not need to involve a partner. Want to really understand your body’s changes and get a sense of your sexual self? You’ll learn new things on your own and it’s good for you.

“Masturbation gives both short term and long term health benefits for women moving through the menopausal period,” MaryJane explained. “The act of masturbation itself increases circulation and lubrication and can maintain elasticity.”

4. Find Companions

Find folks you can open up to about changes to your body, your sex life, and your relationships. You might find that it’s a relief for them to open up as well. And if you’re dating and exploring, you might also find some partners-in-crime.

“Other women are your best allies,” Sharon explained. “They’re not your competitors, they’re your allies because they’re going to be out there dating and meeting people that they wind up not wanting to stick with, and they can pass them along. That’s what happened to me.” (Sharon was introduced to her second husband through a friend who’d dated him first.)

There’s no age limit on meeting new friends and lovers. There are rich opportunities through activity groups, alternative living communities, and more where older individuals are finding friendship and companionship. And people perimenopause are enjoying short-term or casual relationships perhaps more than they have in the past.

One dilemma, according to MaryJane, is that many older individuals were raised in cultures that did not encourage them to ask for what they need or be comfortable talking about sex or sexuality. This becomes a battle of habit and conditioning.

5. Consider The Opinion of Those Around You, But Live Your Own Life

After Sharon got divorced, she had to navigate dating with her teenage daughter in the house. She made the mistake of talking about moving for one potential partner without considering how it would affect her daughter. Here’s her advice for others navigating kids and dating: “I think it’s about being sensitive to what is going on with them. I missed it because my own needs were so central.”

It’s okay for your needs to be central; just be sensitive about how your own life changes affect those closest to you.

6. Be Proud

If you’ve gotten this far in the article, this issue is important to you, so let me leave you with one more thought. However you embrace this stage of life, you can set the example for future generations. You get to be a role model for younger folks like me on what it means to be vibrant and beautiful in the midst of life’s inevitable changes.

Here’s MaryJane: “There is a renaissance in terms of the sexuality of older women in the media right now. We’re seeing a lot of the women with dark gray or white hair — classic beauties — reassert themselves as very strong women at the end of their life. And they’re doing it from a sense of being alone or not having a partner, but their sexuality is very clear and very consistent in the images and in what they’re saying and what is coming forward from them.”

Case in point: about life at 59, author Gail Konop writes, “Contrary to the menopause myth, I am experiencing the sexiest, most vibrant, most intellectually and professionally fertile time of my life. Liberated from waiting for the next stage or event or person to define or save me, I am the leader of my own pod.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Things Getting In The Way Of Black Women’s Sex Lives

By Ashley Townes, Ph.D., MPH

Like many other aspects of our society, sexuality education in the United States often reflects majority populations—i.e., white experiences.

While there’s been some research dedicated to understanding the sexual lives of Black women, much of it focuses on identifying what types of sexual behaviors they’re engaging in, messages of risk and prevention, and health disparities between Black women and white women. This approach to understanding Black women’s sex lives can have negative consequences such as stereotypes, stigma, and bias from doctors. Not to mention, this approach leaves out all of the aspects of their sexual lives that are exciting, fun, and pleasurable.

According to my professional work as a sexual health researcher and my personal experiences as a Black woman myself, here are five things that get in the way of Black women’s sex lives being authentic, shame-free, and enjoyable—and how Black women can overcome them:

1. Stereotypes and myths about Black sexuality.

The sexual lives of Black women have historically been misrepresented by stereotypes and myths. A few historical images that Black women have been labeled as include the mammy, jezebel, welfare mother, and angry Black woman. In general, Black women have also often been portrayed as being sexually experienced and/or engaging in sexual risk-taking behaviors rather than as being sexually responsible and having sexual autonomy. Many of these stereotypes and myths persist in mainstream media, affecting how people view Black women and their sex lives.

Stereotypes and myths are harmful to Black women because they affect how they view themselves and how they believe they are viewed by others. Stereotypes and myths might also play a role in dating, relationships, and sexual behaviors. For example, the idea or belief that Black women are “promiscuous” may cause a woman to feel ashamed of her true sexual identity and behaviors. A woman may feel embarrassed to have sexual conversations for fear of being judged. She may even feel obligated to have a certain kind of sexual life (perhaps due to respectability politics—messages received about how Black women are to act, speak, dress, etc.).

2. Health disparities in sexual health care.

Education, income level, and insurance status can all affect a person’s access to health care and its quality, and these same factors also affect racial differences seen in sexual health care. Black women can often feel that they are not listened to or treated fairly by doctors or the health care system, or they’ve had negative experiences receiving sexual health care specifically.

As the fight for social justice has gained more attention due to the many Black lives that have been subjected to police brutality, it is important that the fight for sexual and reproductive justice remains a part of the conversation to end racism, discrimination, and stigma in health care settings. Health equity is a social justice issue, and until the distribution of wealth, education, housing, and various other privileges are addressed, Black women will continue to bear a higher burden of disease, illness, and even death.

3. A lack of culturally sensitive sex education.

America lacks comprehensive sexuality education in general, but this is especially true when it comes to culturally sensitive sex education. Information that includes the historical and present-day views of Black sexuality is important for youth and young adults to understand the context behind the images they see in the media. Sexuality education should promote exploration and knowledge related to sexuality rather than reinforce or support stereotypical messages about minority groups.

In addition, there is a shortage of trained sexuality educators in cultural sensitivity and, therefore, many missed opportunities for Black girls to receive sexuality education that is unbiased. Black women need sexuality educators who are able to understand the social and cultural factors that affect Black women’s sexual lives and even have experiences similar to Black women. Diversity in sex education matters.

4. A focus on prevention instead of pleasure.

Sexuality research and sex education materials reflecting Black women tend to highlight adverse sexual and reproductive outcomes, such as the rates of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Meanwhile, the average sex ed class for Black teens seldom mentions more positive research such as data from the 2018 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a huge survey that revealed tons of really hopeful insights about Black women’s sex lives. The survey revealed that Black women engage in a variety of sexual behaviors, most find their recent experiences to be pleasurable, and most experienced an orgasm.

The fact that most mainstream conversations about Black sexuality have to do with talking about risks and negative sexual outcomes means we are lacking conversations about Black pleasure. Without open conversations about pleasure, women learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed to discuss their sexual desires with their partners. But sexual communication is important for sexual development and self-esteem. In fact, the ability to communicate about sex and pleasure can strengthen sexual relationships and improve sexual satisfaction overall.

5. Mistrust of medical providers.

Sexual communication is not only vital to sexual relationships; it is essential for doctor-patient relationships. Meeting with health care professionals for preventive care and to discuss sexual health concerns leads to a better sex life. Unfortunately, much of Black history in America stems from elements of slavery that has affected several generations. Medical experimentation on Black bodies is not just a thing of the past, and that history comes with understandable mistrust of information and treatment from medical providers. Throughout history, Black women have endured medical mistreatment and tend to feel as if they are unseen and unheard.

More than ever, Black women need access to quality sexual health care and, more importantly, a trusted medical provider. They deserve to feel like their sexual health care experiences are provided in a confidential, respectful, and nonjudgmental manner.

How Black women can take control of their sexual lives.

For many Black women, this is not new information. These issues and challenges have been persistent for quite some time. But what can you do about them?

First, become your own advocate. This means learning what resources are available in your area, finding out what preventive screenings and services are recommended before your appointments, and being prepared to ask questions when interacting with medical providers.

Second, find the things that work for you. This can include finding a doctor that understands your experiences as a Black woman (yes, it is OK to shop around for a doctor), finding Black sexuality educators to learn from online, and working to unlearn messages that have been harmful to your sexual development.

Lastly, work toward sexual agency. This means you have the ability to produce the results you want for your sexual life. The key to having a healthy and positive view of your sexual life starts with you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding These 2 Types of Sexual Desire Will Help You Feel In Control of Your Libido

Introducing: Spontaneous and responsive desire.

By Gabrielle Kassel

By now, you’ve probably heard a sexual health pro say—punctuated by 👏👏👏, of course—that porn is entertainment, not education. And that’s true. But there’s another type of media that shoves lies about what sex “should” (eye roll) look like down our collective throat: Romantic comedies.

One of the ideas these films have implanted into our brains? That the desire to get it on hits you out of nowhere—BAM! As a sex writer, this really gets me heated (as in, mad, not horny) considering only an estimated 15 to 20 percent of cisgender women (vs. 75 percent of cisgender men) primarily experience sexual desire in this way, according to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., in her book Come As You Are. (ICYDK, here’s the definition of “cisgender” and more about gender identity.)

“Most often depicted in movies, spontaneous desire is the urge for sex that hits you out of nowhere,” says Jill McDevitt, Ph.D, resident sexologist for sex toy emporium CalExotics. But what’s much more common for (cisgender) women is something called responsive sexual desire, which is when the desire comes in response to (or after) sexual activity has already (consensually) started. Meaning, sexual activity begets arousal, versus the other way around.

As McDevitt puts it: “Spontaneous desire is sex on the kitchen counter. Responsive desire is watching Netflix together, and starting to feel a tingle when your partner starts to trace the outline of your shorts during the sex scene in the movie you’re watching.”

The good news: Once you understand how these two types of sexual desire work, you can hack your sex life so you can start having as much (or as little) sex as you want! But first, scroll down.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

First things first: Both styles of sexual desire are normal and healthy. Unfortunately, people (especially cisgender women) who primarily experience responsive desire assume that they’re sexually defunct because their desire doesn’t look like Mila Kunis’s in Friends with Benefits. (See: Why Your Lack of Sex Drive Isn’t a Disorder)

Such is not the case, assures Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex toy brand LELO. “Most of these folks can experience desire/arousal, but they (and their partners) aren’t giving responsive desire a chance,” she says.

What does responsive desire look like IRL? Rather than waiting for a sudden urge to get down, you might say, “hey babe, any interest in me giving you a massage and seeing where that goes?” Or, “how would you feel about turning on porn and masturbating side-by-side, and seeing if that gets us in the mood?”

If you’re skeptical, you shouldn’t be. After all, “sex itself is not better just because it starts with spontaneous desire—people report just as much pleasure and enjoyment regardless of how it started,” says Vrangalova. Besides, the type of desire isn’t a measure of how good the sex was. How pleasurable it was is!

Deducing Your Own Sexual Desire Style

According to Nagoski’s aforementioned research, about 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women primarily experience spontaneous desire, whereas 5 percent of men and 30 percent of women primarily experience responsive desire (all cisgender). But for the rest of folks, sexual desire is context-dependent, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the podcast Sex with Dr. Jess. Meaning, “sometimes they’ll experience more spontaneous desire and other times the desire is more likely to happen responsively,” she says.

It’s common for context-dependent types to primarily experience spontaneous desire at the start of a relationship and responsive desire as the relationship ebbs on, or during high-stress, busy bouts of time. (After all, stress can lead to lower libido and even an inability to climax.)

Odds are, you were able to deduce your main type just by reading the above definitions. If not, I recommend investing in Nagoski’s books and flipping to the end of Chapter 3. There, you’ll find a “Sex Contexts” worksheet where she instructs you to journal (in detail!) about three of both your best sexual experiences as well as the “meh” ones. In reviewing these experiences, you’ll likely notice common themes around when and where sex took place, as well as whether the activity erected from spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or neither. For instance, if your top sexual experiences happened in coatroom closets at weddings, odds are you tend to experience spontaneous desire. If your top sexual experiences happened after day-long romantic dates or sexting sessions, odds are your desire leans responsive.

How to Lean Into Responsive Sexual Desire

So you primarily experience responsive desire and your partner primarily experiences spontaneous desire. Or, you both primarily experience responsive desire…now what? Fear not! “There are lots of different ways couples with different sexual desires can meet in the middle,” says sexual health expert Lyndsey Harper, M.D. ob-gyn, founder and CEO of Rosy, a sexual health technology platform.

1. Schedule sex.

Don’t be so quick to dismiss it. (After all, it works for sticking to your workout routine—why not extend it to your sexual wellness as well?) Sitting down with your planners and Google calendars and plotting out between work, birthdays, and exercise when you’re going to make time to ~get it on~ may not sound sexy. But “when the partner with responsive desire knows sex will happen at a certain time, they can seek out arousal tools, like erotica, ethical porn, masturbation, or ahead of time to help themselves get in the mood,” says Dr. Harper. (Or, good ol’ daydreaming.)

Plus, assuming you clear out your calendars for longer than, like, thirty minutes, it also ensures there’s plenty of time to do things that help the responsive desire partner get in the mood (think: showering together, kissing, etc.) versus feeling pressured to be ready to go ASAP.

If scheduling sex far ahead doesn’t feel right for you and your partner, consider scheduling date nights instead, and touch base that day about whether sex is on the table or not. Or, try some of these other suggestions first.

2. Intentionally take turns initiating sex.

Often in relationships where one partner experiences spontaneous sexual desire and the other experiences responsive sexual desire, the spontaneous person begins to feel like they’re always the initiator, says Vrangalova. Then, the partner who experiences responsive desire may begin to feel like their partner is constantly pestering them for sex, and feel guilty for saying no. This can lead to resentment on both sides. To interrupt this cycle, she suggests agreeing to take turns extending invitations to one another to have sex. Just remember: Your partner always maintains the right to say no.

Here’s how it works: Pre-determine a period of time within which you’ll each initiate, says O’Reilly. Maybe you’ll plan to initiate sex once per week, and alternate who initiates each week. This way, the responsive desire partner(s) can actively seek out arousal once they’re aroused, says Dr. Harper. (More here: How to Ask Your Partner for More Sex Without Offending Them)

3. Don’t make sex the objective.

Going from zero-percent horny to sex (of any kind) can be super daunting, especially when you’re working or busy child-rearing. Unfortunately, for a lot of couples, lines like “hey, babe, want to try to have sex tonight?” or “want to smash?” are common-place.

Vrangalova’s suggestion? Try asking “I’d love to take a shower together at the end of the day” or “how would you feel about a good old-fashioned makeout session?” instead. Why? Because making things like long passionate kisses, sensual massage, watching porn, reading erotica together, dirty talk, fantasy sharing, hand play, or even cuddling can feel more accessible to a not-currently-turned-on partner. (See More: 10 Foreplay Ideas That Can Be Even Hotter Than Penetration)

“If it progresses to sex from there, great. If not, that’s okay, too!” she says. “You’ll still get the benefit of spending intimate time together.” (And, if it’s applicable, the benefits of human touch.)

4. Lean on pleasure products.

“Research reveals that vibrator use is positively correlated with desire, lubrication, orgasm, lower levels of pain, and overall sexual satisfaction,” says O’Reilly. “So, sometimes some vibration or suction is just what your body needs to get in the mood.” Rather than going right for your hot-spots, spend some time using the vibe on your inner thighs, back, chest tissue and nipples, and the fleshy part of your bum, she suggests. Think of it as a self-care massage—and then let it turn sexual if it feels right.

5. Do a little extra sex ed.

Specifically, read books on this very topic such Mind the Gap by Karen Gurney or Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

Why? Because the greatest obstacle most couples face is their expectation around how sex “should” work, says Vrangalova. “Many people get stuck in this notion that you should only have sex if both partners are spontaneously horny at the exact same time—and refuse sex when that’s not the case.” (Sound familiar?)

Both of these books go into even more depth on topics discussed in this article to help you better understand just how normal any type of sexual desire is and how the messages you might have absorbed through pop-culture are pleasure-blocking your sex. Both also feature exercises you and your boo can do together to help you better understand your preconceived notions about desire, and how to troubleshoot them for boosted pleasure. (Get more wisdom from Nagoski here: How to Get More Pleasure By Shifting Your Mindset.)

What If These Don’t Work?

Okay, so you thought you primarily experienced responsive desire, gave these tricks a try, and still can’t find your libido? First, talk to your healthcare provider. Certain medications, mental health illnesses, and chronic conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and cancer can affect sexual functioning.

If you get the clear from your doc, think about why your body (specifically something known as your sexual inhibition system) might be intentionally keeping you from getting turned on. If your body perceives that it’s in danger, it can actually shut off your ability to get aroused. For instance, if you’re concerned about getting unintentionally pregnant, contracting an STI, or being socially shamed for who/how you’re having sex, arousal just won’t work. Ask yourself: What can I do to limit the (perceived) risk of the sex I want (keyword) to be having?

Also: Reflect on your relationship. How are you feeling about your boo? No doubt, it’s pretty tough to get turned on by a partner you’re feeling resentful of or aren’t feeling comfortable with. Addressing any underlying relationship issues (or TBH, calling it quits) may help.

Regardless, know that any way you experience sexual desire is ok. If you can relinquish the idea of there being a “normal”—because, truly, there is no “normal” in anything sex-related—that just might help you get there.

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7 ways to boost your sex drive

By Ashley Laderer

  • You can increase your sex drive by reducing stress levels, gaining a better understanding of what turns you on, letting go of performance anxiety, and reducing negative anticipation among other methods.
  • Getting enough sleep could also increase your desire for sex since sleep quality can influence libido.
  • You could also try talking to a therapist since this can help you address issues like shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.
  • Media and societal norms lead people to believe that they should be ready to have sex at any given moment. While this is the experience of some people, it certainly isn’t the case for everybody.If you’re looking to increase your sex drive, there are a few things you can do to boost your desire. Here is what the research says.

    There is no such this as a normal sex drive

    Everyone’s libido is different, and the same person’s sex drive might fluctuate over time, depending on circumstances. This is normal. According to sexologist and sexuality counselor Jess O’Reilly, Human Sexuality PhD and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, there’s no universal standard or rule of thumb when it comes to sexual desire.

    “Low desire is only a problem if you deem it one or you find it distressful. Some people want sex several times per day and others don’t want it at all, and all experiences can be perfectly healthy,” says O’Reilly.

    However, if you do find your lack of sexual desire distressing and you want to be more interested in sex, O’Reilly recommends looking at whether your libido is low due to lifestyle or relational factors, which could range from trouble communicating with eachother, lacking emotional connection, or dealing with existing conflicts such as fighting over money or kids.

    Reduce stress levels

    Stress can cause various physical symptoms including a lower libido. 

    O’Reilly says your levels of cortisol — commonly referred to as the stress hormone — rise when you’re stressed out, and this can interfere with your sexual desire and arousal. A 2018 survey conducted by the BBC found that 45% of respondents said that stress negatively affected their sex drive.

    However, learning to reduce or manage stress can be difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support, whether it’s from your partner or a therapist. You can also try stress-relieving activities, such as meditation or exercise. Mindfulness has also proven to help improve sexual desire and sexual functioning, especially in women.

    Understand arousal and learn what turns you on

    For many people, the desire for sex isn’t there 24/7. “Desire does not always occur spontaneously. Most people need to get aroused first, and then they might experience desire. If you sit around waiting for sexual desire to occur on its own, it simply may not happen,” says O’Reilly.

    There are plenty of ways you can ramp up arousal, and thus, desire. Try some of the following:

    • Fantasizing
    • Sexting
    • Watching porn
    • Reading erotic stories
    • Touching yourself
    • Experimenting with sex toys
    • Having your partner kiss and touch you without the expectation of sex
    • Listening to erotica
    • Enjoying music that feels sexual to you

    Get creative and experiment with what turns you on most and increases your desire. O’Reilly says that once you’re aroused, it’s much more likely that desire for sex will follow.

    Expanding your definition of what sex means can also be helpful. If you are not excited by the type of sex you have been engaged in, trying something new can be exciting.

    Let go of performance anxiety

    Performance anxiety, pressure, and stress surrounding sex is likely to curb your arousal and your desire. “Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure, so if you feel pressure to have sex in a certain way, look a certain way, have an orgasm, get hard, get wet, make specific sounds or want sex with a specific frequency, you may find that you lose interest altogether,” says O’Reilly.

    Take time out to really get to know yourself sexually. O’Reilly says that spending time better understanding your body’s unique responses through masturbation can help you to be more at ease when you’re with a partner. She also highly recommends using mindfulness during masturbation, and mindfulness in general, which will result in benefits in partnered sex.

    Practicing mindfulness has been studied with great results in regards to libido. A 2014 study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy examined 117 women who struggled with low desire. After mindfulness training, there was a significant decrease in “sex-related distress.”

    With practice, mindfulness can help you stay in the moment, enjoy pleasure, and let performance anxiety roll off your back. Talking to a therapist or opening up to your partner about your performance anxiety can also be helpful.

    Get enough sleep

    Sleep affects many aspects of your health and behavior, including your sex drive. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lack of quality sleep is correlated to low libido, as well as difficulty orgasming in women.

    O’Reilly says exhaustion can lead to lack of desire for sex.In this case, you should be prioritizing sleep over sex. Once you take care of your sleep habits, you may notice a difference in your libido, according to O’Reilly.

    Address relationship dissatisfaction

    When you’re in a relationship and you’re experiencing issues with your partner, it’s likely that those problems will spill over into the bedroom and leave one or both of you less likely to want sex.

    “If you’re harboring resentment, dealing with a partner who doesn’t want to engage, struggling with ongoing conflict, recovering from hurt and trauma, it’s unlikely that you’ll want sex spontaneously,” says O’Reilly.

    It’s best to work on these issues with your partner rather than sweep them under the rug and hope they go away. O’Reilly suggests talking about underlying sources or tension, and being open about issues. You can do this alone with your partner or with the help of a couples’ therapist.

    Reduce Negative Anticipation

    You might not be looking forward to sex if you are worried about potential or actual negative consequences.

    If you don’t want to get pregnant or are worried about STIs, use barrier methods such as condoms and hormonal birth control. Be sure to have conversations with any partner about your comforts and concerns.

    Some people also experience unwanted pain with sex. This is not something to be excited about. Ask your doctor about any pain or discomfort you experience.

    If you regularly have issues with reliable erections and control over orgasms, you might be worried about sex being pleasurable for you and your partner. Make an appointment with a urologist if you have any issues with erections or orgasms.

    Talk to a therapist

    Talking to a general therapist or a sex therapist can help you deal with underlying psychological reasons that you might be experiencing low sex drive. O’Reilly says this can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.

    There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about regarding sex or seeking therapy to help with your sex life. This can be a way to examine the sources of your distress. If there is an underlying psychological cause, then simply trying to boost your libido probably won’t help. You need to address the fundamental issue at hand, first.

    Try out these tips to give your libido a boost and you’ll be on your way to wanting – and enjoying – sex again.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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SexTech and Disability

— Why These Markets Matter

By Wednesday Lee Friday

Everyone enjoys sex—or could, if they had access to the right products and solutions. Most SexTech is designed with able-bodied consumers in mind, which begs the question: What about the disabled market?

We spoke to leaders at three prominent adult product companies to examine the state of SexTech in terms of accessibility and meeting the needs of those with disabilities. Andrew Gurza, Chief Disability Officer at Handi; Dr. Soum Rakshit, Co-Founder and CEO of Mystery Vibe, and AJ Vitaro, President of Zen by Design.

Responses may be slightly edited for clarity or brevity.

SexTech Magazine: In terms of numbers, how big is the market for able-inclusive products? Is there enough potential revenue on the table to attract industry attention? In other words, does servicing this community make financial sense, as opposed to simply being ‘the right thing to do?

Dr Soum Rakshit: My research shows that 15% of people have some sort of physical disability (not including blindness), though many aren’t disabilities we can see. Setting aside numbers though, good designs should work well for everyone. When we designed Crescendo, versatility was our core concept. This involved adding a lock, making buttons flush, and adding a remote or app control for those who might not be able to reach buttons during use.

AJ Vitaro: Paralysis, for example, due to a wide variety of conditions and injuries, effects nearly two percent of the population in The United States alone. However, being in the furniture design business for over twenty years and connecting with thousands of people, it leads us to believe that these numbers are even higher than anticipated. As far as revenue potential for our company in particular, it is not a target market for us, per say; however, we do attract those with disabilities due to the supportive, ergonomic nature of The Tantra Chair ®.

STM: On a scale of 1-10, how has the SexTech industry performed in terms of able-inclusivity? 

Andrew Gurza: I would rate the SexTech industry a 3/10 in terms of their inclusivity of the disabled population. That isn’t to say that companies haven’t attempted to address the inclusivity gap, however, we rarely see disabled people in the marketing or creation of the products themselves, and if they are considered, it seems to be an afterthought or a PR stunt versus being integrated into the strategy from the outset.

We are one of the only companies with a Chief Disability Officer and disabled Co-Founder who advises on the lived experience and has been integral to the branding and product design. We hope to be setting a positive example of inclusive design and integration.

STM: Can you take us through the launch of one of your inclusive products?

AJV: When we develop a product, the creative process is arduous, time consuming and extremely detailed. Sometimes it can take us over three years to perfect a design concept, and this was true for The Tantra Chair ®. We work with the dimensions of the human body across a very wide spectrum to come up with designs that nurture the majority of people whether they are struggling with an injury, disability or in perfect health. In our initial years, we were very surprised by the amount of people with injuries or disabilities that were pleased beyond measure because they were able to be comfortable again during intimacy. We continue to hear this often and it is something that we are truly grateful for.

Dr. S.R.: We made the product with inclusivity in mind, but did not include people with disabilities in our user group. This wasn’t planned, and we have since added more diversity to test groups. Our purpose is to design products for everyone, not because you want to tick a box. When people put time into a design, it works for everyone.

STM: Products that are marketed to surmount a specific obstacle can often go mainstream unexpectedly. The Clapper, a device that turns off electric appliances by clapping hands, was invented with customers with mobility issues in mind. Similarly, weighted blankets were products used to calm children with autism and hyperactivity disorder. Now these blankets are immensely popular for an array of consumers.  

Still, we wonder if there’s concern in the industry that disability-friendly products will be less desirable to abled people. How might that be mitigated?

AG: Many of the people that we spoke with at Handi as we created our tech were both disabled and non-disabled alike, and they all told us that they wanted a toy that could work for everyone. When you design with disability in mind, you can create a product that is accessible to everyone. At Handi, we also understand that disability will affect everyone at some point in their lives, so we should be creating products with that in mind. It’s like a type of orgasm insurance – even if you don’t need it today, you may very well tomorrow. Not to mention, there’s something very compelling about a hands-free sex toy – which 76% of our able-bodied respondents were interested in.

Dr. S.R. Yes, that’s a perception that can be mitigated with design. Imagine retrofitting something for disability access—a staircase, for example. It’s not going to look as good as a staircase that was designed for access from the beginning. Design is everything. The better the tech is, the less you’ll see it. Adult products push tech forward just as pornography did for internet speed, enhanced picture resolution, accessibility—even the battle between VHS tapes and Betamax was settled by adult content.

AJV: We don’t believe that disability-friendly products will be less desirable to abled people. With our product specifically, it can enhance the life of a person with a disability, an aging couple, or even healthy, adventurous couples.

STM: What should product designers and developers be aware of in order to create more inclusive products? 

Dr. S.R.: Things outside our day-to-day life are often invisible to us. So it’s important to keep updating. Pilot groups are vital to us, and we use 1,000 pilot users for each new product. Even if you can’t have a diverse focus group—piloting works.

AG: A big roadblock in the SexTech category is the lack of marginalized people involved in the creation of the final product from ideation to concept to production.  SexTech needs to actively include these voices all the way through the process if they want to truly be seen as inclusive. Otherwise it can come off as lip service. Talking the talk, but not walking the walk. One of the biggest needs that isn’t being addressed by the current SexTech, is the prevalence of people with limited dexterity or hand disabilities/limitations. The buttons on so many current products are small and not easy to use. Hundreds of millions of people live with this as a result of disabilities, and 63% of the people we surveyed said that they struggled with self-pleasure due to issues with hand mobility. We need more toys that are easier to use; have bigger buttons and are as hands-free as possible.

The only way to effectively address this is to hire more disabled people to work on the product and concept design. Listen to what they have to say; what are their frustrations with products? What are their frustrations with sexuality as disabled people? By truly listening to these stories, you can uncover a need, and from that, you can create a truly groundbreaking product that will not only change their sex life, but will change their life entirely.

AJV: This is a difficult question to answer, but many disabilities stem from nerve damage due to physical injury, stroke, etc. In most of these circumstances, the spinal column is damaged. We hyper focus on spinal support for everyone, may they have an injury, or not and this inadvertently attracts customers that want to maintain a healthy spinal column to those that are injured and limited in mobility. It makes perfect sense to create designs that will enhance the well-being of everyone.

STM: How should inclusion and representation be marketed? Do you lean toward separate marketing for each demographic, or one clear message for everyone?   

Dr. S.R.: We tend to use education rather than marketing, just letting people know what’s available to them. We’re proponents of reverse marketing; simply telling people about a product and inviting them to check it out often yields better results than click funnels and the like.   

STM: What do you see as the main challenges to marketing inclusive products?

AJV: We do not market our products (specifically The Tantra Chair ®) as a medical device for a variety of legal reasons. However, people with disabilities are inadvertently drawn to it, because they recognize that it can help them solve a physical problem or at the very least, create a much more comfortable experience for them.

Dr. S.R.: We have never marketed on the basis of inclusiveness. We think that might be divisive. If we make it a marketing point, people may think it’s not genuine. Inclusiveness should be done by default. The only time we talk about the inclusiveness of our products specifically is in award applications.

What we’re seeing is an industry moving forward to inclusivity as a matter of course. The way forward is to create and market SexTech products that can work for any user, and be effectively marketed across multiple demographics. Extending inclusivity into focus groups and test markets will go a long way toward making the very concept of ability-accessible products a thing of the past. That’s bound to improve sex lives—and every other aspect of life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 ways men can last longer during sex

There are several reasons why you might ejaculate prematurely including poor body image, inexperience, and higher levels of testosterone.

By Madeline Kennedy 

If you are worried that you finish too quickly in bed, you are not alone – around 1 in 3 men in the US report having issues with premature ejaculation. It’s unclear why this happens, but scientists think it’s a combination of psychological and biological factors.

If you aren’t able to have sex for as long as you would like, there are several strategies that can help

How long does the average person last during sex?

The adult film industry often depicts sex going on for hours, which can give a false idea of how long sex should last, says Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, a urologist at the PUR clinic.

According to a 2005 study conducted across 5 countries, vaginal sex generally lasts for around 5 to 6 minutes. 

However, there’s no correct amount of time for sex to last and it’s up to you and your partner to decide what works best.

Why you might not be lasting as long as you want to

It’s common for men to finish too quickly once in a while, but if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.

  • Psychology: Though the exact cause is not well known, “there are definitely psychological aspects to premature ejaculation,” Brahmbhatt says. Studies show that anxiety, particularly anxiety about your sexual performance, is linked to premature ejaculation. Feeling depressed, stressed out, or guilty can also make you more likely to finish quickly. Men may also experience premature ejaculation at higher rates if they have poor body image or are victims of sexual abuse.
  • Experience: Your level of sexual experience can also affect how long you last in bed. “Men may also climax faster if they are not having sex often or this is their first time engaging in any sexual activity,” Brahmbatt says.
  • High amounts of free testosterone: Studies show that men with premature ejaculation tend to have higher levels of free testosterone, which can lead to symptoms like loss of energy and low sex drive. . However, scientists say that more research is needed to determine why this is the case.
  • Hyperthyroidism: Premature ejaculation can also be caused by hyperthyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid gland in your neck produces too much of a hormone called thyroxine. Researchers aren’t sure why thyroid issues affect your sex stamina, but after being treated for hypothyroidism, men are much less likely to experience premature ejaculation.

How to last longer during sex

If you are struggling with finishing too early, here are a five things you can do that may help.

1. Condoms

Since premature ejaculation may be a result of hypersensitivity, using a condom is a simple solution that may make sex last longer. The condom forms a barrier around the penis that dulls sensation and may lead to delayed ejaculation. 

2. The pause-squeeze method

The pause-squeeze method can be done while having sex or masturbating and involves:

  1. Having sex until you feel that you are about to ejaculate.
  2. Then, pulling out and squeezing the tip of your penis for several seconds, or until the need to ejaculate passes.
  3. And finally, continuing to have sex and repeating the technique as needed.

“They theory is you stop the flow, let the penis rest, and then go back at it to increase your time, Brahmbatt says.” 

Brahmbatt says that this can be one of the more difficult treatments for premature ejaculation because it takes a lot of self-control. Practicing repeatedly and communicating clearly with your partner may help ease the process.

Over time, you may be able to train your body to delay ejaculation without using the squeeze maneuver.

3. Pelvic floor exercises

Your pelvic floor muscles lie just below your prostate and your rectum and just like other muscles, they can be strengthened through exercise. Experts believe that if pelvic floor muscles are too weak, it may be harder for you to delay your ejaculation. 

To flex your pelvic floor muscles, act as if you are trying to stop yourself from peeing or passing gas and feel which muscles move. To tone these muscles, you should follow these steps:

  1. Tighten the pelvic floor muscles – you can lie down or sit if this makes it easier.
  2. Hold the muscles taut for 3 seconds.
  3. Relax the muscles for 3 seconds.
  4. Repeat the exercise as many times as needed.

See here for a more comprehensive guide to kegel exercises for both men and women.

To get good results, you should try to do 3 sets of 10 repetitions each day.

If you are still struggling with finishing too early, your healthcare provider can help you or refer you to another expert healthcare provider, since there are also some medications or procedures that you might benefit from.

4. Numbing medications

Numbing medications use ingredients like lidocaine and prilocaine, which work by blocking the nerve signals that make you feel pleasure and pain. These medications generally come as creams or sprays and when they are applied to your penis, you will have decreased sensitivity, and are approved for use in premature ejaculation.

Numbing creams or sprays should be applied to the penis 20 to 30 minutes before sex. Because sexual pleasure will feel less intense, you may be able to delay your ejaculation.

There are some drawbacks to this method, however, as the medication can also decrease your partner’s sensitivity to pleasure. “Make sure your partner knows you are using it — as a heads up and also to make sure they don’t have a history or allergic reaction or problem with its use,” Brahmbatt says.

5. Viagra

Though sildenafil (Viagra) is usually prescribed to treat people who have trouble keeping an erection, research shows that it can help with premature ejaculation as well.

A 2007 study found that Viagra worked well to delay ejaculation and was more effective than the stop-squeeze technique. At the end of the study, 87 percent of subjects using Viagra said they wanted to continue this treatment, compared with 45 percent of subjects using stop and squeeze.

Premature ejaculation is a common condition but it can cause difficulties in your sex life or relationships. If none of these methods work to help you last longer in bed, contact your doctor to help you come up with the most appropriate treatment plan.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It took us long enough, but we’re finally paying attention to women’s pleasure

By Erin Magner

While the history of women and pleasure is fraught with stigma, it appears we’re in the midst of a pleasure revolution. Now, female-identifying founders are creating pornography, sex toys, sex-education platforms, and erotica, all of which normalizes and celebrates a woman’s right to get off. Not only are consumers turned on by this building movement—the global sex toy market alone is expected to be worth $35 billion by 2023, up from $23.7 billion in 2017—but investors, too, are shuttling millions of dollars into sexual wellness start-ups such as Dipsea, a sexy short-story app, and Unbound, an e-tailer selling sex toys and other bedroom accessories. In short, there’s never been a better time than now for having a vulva and loving to orgasm.

So how did we get to this place of openness when, just two decades ago, Samantha Jones’ unapologetic pursuit of big Os on Sex and the City was considered radical? While there have been many twists and turns throughout the history of women and pleasure, it can be argued that the modern movement’s roots first planted in the 1950s. Back then, attitudes toward sexuality were still, in many ways, informed by the repressive Victorian era—when society demanded a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude toward female desire. Yet in 1953, sexologist and biologist Alfred C. Kinsey, PhD, published his landmark (and controversial) book titled Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, which shed light on women’s then-rarely discussed habits regarding masturbation, orgasms, and sex before marriage. (Spoiler alert: Among the 6,000 women interviewed for the book, all of those activities were highly popular.) From there, the world slowly but surely opened its eyes to women as sexual beings.

The early history of women and pleasure

Four years following the release of Dr. Kinsey’s book, William Masters and Virginia Johnson began their pioneering work on the physical mechanisms behind sexual arousal at Washington University in St. Louis. Their most groundbreaking findings are still frequently cited today, like the four stages of sexual arousal—excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution—and the idea that women are able to have multiple orgasms. “Even the very suggestion that sexual pleasure might be important for women and not just men was massively radical during those times,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, professor of human sexuality at New York University and resident sexpert for sex-toy brand Lelo.

As the history of women and pleasure progressed, a succession of cultural milestones continued to help champion the idea of non-procreative sex among women. First, the birth control pill hit the market in 1960, which officially allowed women to have sex without the prospect of pregnancy. Helen Gurley Brown’s book Sex and the Single Girl (1962) gave advice for sex and dating as an unmarried woman, and a group of Boston women later self-published the seminal Our Bodies, Ourselves (1970), which provided evidence-based information to teach women about their sexual anatomy. Then as the hippie counterculture spread a message of free love, leaders of the second-wave feminist movement encouraged women to take an active role in their own sexual experience. You know, like men had been doing for centuries beforehand.

Despite all of this progress, however, Dr. Vrangalova points out that the framework for female pleasure in the 1960s and early ’70s was still largely based on a male perspective. “Given that the ’60s were a time when women were still very much second-class citizens, the way sexual pleasure was conceptualized was the way men, rather than women, thought about pleasure,” she says. “There’s no doubt women participated, but it seems like they adopted the male-driven vision of sexual pleasure, rather than focusing specifically on female pleasure. This was an inevitable product of the times—even scientists across diverse fields believed that whatever findings were true of men were also true of women, more or less.” For instance, at this point in the history of women and pleasure, there was still a pervasive view that women, like men, should be able to reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone.

“The ’60s were a time when women were still very much second-class citizens, and the way sexual pleasure was conceptualized was the way men, rather than women, thought about pleasure.”
—sexologist Zhana Vrangalova, PhD

Thankfully, in 1976, sex educator Shere Hite’s book The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality re-emphasized the importance of clitoral stimulation in reaching orgasm—an idea put forth by Dr. Kinsey two decades previously. (It wasn’t until 2005, however, that researchers led by Australian urologist Helen O’Connell, MD, would actually create a full map of the clitoris’ internal and external structures.) Then, in 1982, a book titled The G Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality, brought this then-little-known erogenous zone—and the concept of female ejaculation—into the public consciousness.

But soon after, new discoveries around women’s pleasure began to cool off, a phenomenon that Dr. Vrangalova attributes to the early days of the HIV/AIDS crisis. “Unfortunately, that swung the pendulum on sexual pleasure—male and female—back toward the more conservative end of the spectrum, and America entered the Dark Ages of abstinence-only sexual education,” she says. “This had the incredibly harmful effects of sexually crippling an entire generation of Americans with lack of information, increasing fear of sex and STIs, and increasing stigma around pleasure, especially if it was outside of long-term committed relationships.”

Women are sexual beings, but there’s a pleasure gap to close and stigma to stop

Fast-forward a decade, however, and pleasure once again started to creep back into the zeitgeist. But even in 1999, when Sex and the City was must-watch viewing, 40 percent of women still claimed to experience sexual disfunction, characterized by a lack of sexual desire and difficulty attaining arousal.

According to public-health researcher Katherine Rowland‘s new book, The Pleasure Gap, this feeling of sexual dissatisfaction still endures, despite all the strides that have been made during the past 60-plus years. “Among the women who I spoke to, the persistent low desire was heavily associated with the idea that sex should revolve around penetration as the main course, with maybe a polite prelude of a foreplay, rather than thinking about sex as a broader universe of intimacy,” Rowland previously told NPR. “It’s the combination of a larger culture that privileges male sexuality over women’s, a culture that doesn’t teach women that pleasure belongs to them. A lack of anatomical self-knowledge. And feelings of sort of persistent danger and women being often censored and censured for expressing their desire.”

Yet on all of these fronts, the tides have been slowly turning in recent years, thanks in large part to the rise of the digital age. “The internet and smartphones enabled unprecedented access to vast amounts of sexual pleasure information and to all sorts of alternative and more liberal sexual values and lifestyles,” says Dr. Vrangalova, who notes that online porn and erotica helped to normalize the concept of “a women’s right to pleasure.”

Furthermore, the #MeToo movement of 2017 set the stage for the current pleasure revolution. “There are a lot of women who relived their traumas during #MeToo…it wasn’t a linear path,” says Alexandra Fine, sexologist and CEO of next-gen vibrator company Dame. “But it does ultimately feel like it empowered women to reclaim their sexual pleasure as their own and to speak more openly about it.”

It’s that open dialogue around sex that’s leading women to get curious about their own pleasure patterns right now—and that’s clearing a path for companies to create products and services that help them get to know their own bodies. “[At Dame,] we’re hearing so many stories of women being really honest about what their sexual experiences are in an unfiltered way that wasn’t available before,” Fine adds.

What to expect from the next chapter in the history of women and pleasure

As knowledge gaps continue to emerge around women’s sexual pleasure, organizations like Allbodies—a digital sex-ed platform—are stepping up to fill them. Allbodies co-founder and doula Ash Spivak says there are still many vulva-owners who feel alienated by conventional pleasure wisdom, either because they’ve previously experienced trauma or by virtue of the fact that everyone’s body works differently. “We have so much emphasis on orgasms in general as being the pinnacle, but pleasure is a spectrum,” she says. “There’s so much room in there to really play around and that’s really never been taught.”

“We have so much emphasis on orgasms in general as being the pinnacle, but pleasure is a spectrum. There’s so much room in there to really play around and that’s really never been taught.”
—Ash Spivak, Allbodies co-founder

There are also plenty of institutions that aren’t yet ready for an open dialogue around female arousal at this point in the history of women and pleasure. For instance, Facebook still doesn’t allow advertising for sex toys—although it does allow ads for sexual-health companies, like those promoting erectile-disfunction treatments for men. And Fine says targeting this is the next frontier of the pleasure revolution.

“This conversation around advertising policy is a really interesting place where it’s showing up,” she says, noting that Dame sued the New York City MTA in 2019 for refusing to run its vibrator ads in the subway. Changing this reality is part of her bigger mission for Dame. “If we can’t have public discourse around sexuality because we think it’s inherently inappropriate, then we’re pushing sex to the shadows. And the things that happen in the shadows when it comes to sex harm women.”

Fortunately, research is continuing to unveil nuances of the female sexual experience, which can only help to erase shame and popularize the idea that there’s no one-size-fits-all path to pleasure. One 2019 study, for instance, debunked the idea that all orgasms are positive experiences—some women do, indeed, view them as negative at times, particularly when they feel coerced into having sex or pressured into climaxing.

Brands are even contributing to our collective knowledge. Dame, for instance, asks members of its Dame Labs community to test its prototypes pre-launch and then uses feedback to fine-tune each product. For instance, Dame engineers were surprised to learn when developing the company’s first internal vibrator, the Arc, that testers considered the toy’s external sensations to be even more important than its internal stimulation properties—even though testers said they would purchase the toy to use internally. The engineers edited the design accordingly, and as a result, pleasure won.

And while pleasure is a right entitled to all people, vulva-owners certainly included, Fine, for one, believes there are even bigger health gains to to glean from knowing as much as possible about the female sexual experience. “I really believe that sex is part of our wellness—it’s literally what creates our life,” she says. ‘Why would we think it’s not constantly impacting [us]?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Reconnect With Your Partner After Having Kids

Don’t wait for the most convenient time to rebuild intimacy. You’ll be waiting a long time.

By Christina Caron

First things first: This is not another article that simply tells you to “go on a date night.”

Nothing against date nights. The best ones can remind you why you fell in love with your spouse or partner in the first place.

Or they can involve staring at each other in a sleep-deprived haze over an expensive meal while intermittently glancing at your phone for updates from the babysitter.

If date nights aren’t working for you, or if you’ve been struggling to maintain intimacy for months — or even years — after having children, here are some different ways to stay close to your spouse or partner, despite the stresses and frustrations of parenthood.

Try not to become complacent.

Just as there was never a perfect time to have children, there will rarely be a perfect time to rekindle a connection with your partner.

It’s easy to push your romantic relationship to the side: “Let’s get through sleep training first.” Or: “As soon as I get back into shape.” Or: “Maybe when I’m less tired.”

Then winter arrives. “Everyone’s sick again? Let’s wait until we get better.”

But if you keep waiting, experts say, regaining intimacy can become increasingly difficult.

“It seems to have been the norm for so many couples to say to themselves, ‘Now that the kids are here, we’ll focus on the kids. Our day will come,’” said Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist whose TEDx talk about sex-starved marriages has been viewed more than 5 million times. “But here’s the bad news from someone who’s been on the front lines with couples for decades. Unless you treat your relationship, your marriage, like it’s a living thing — which requires nurturing on a regular basis — you won’t have a marriage after the kids leave home.”

Couples may start to lead parallel but separate lives — and discover they have nothing in common.

“They’re looking at a stranger, and they ask themselves, ‘Is this the way I want to spend the last few years of my life?’” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “And for too many couples the answer is no.”

But all of that is preventable, she added.

“It’s absolutely essential not to be complacent about what I call a ho-hum sex life. Touching is a very primal way of connecting and bonding,” Ms. Weiner-Davis said. “If those needs to connect physically are ignored over a period of time, or are downgraded so that it’s not satisfying, I can assure people there will be problems in the relationship moving forward.”

Slow down and start over.

If you had a vaginal birth, you and your partner may expect to begin having sex as early as six weeks after the baby is born, if you have been physically cleared to do so.

For some couples, that signals “the clock is now ticking,” said Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.”

But a lot of women simply won’t be ready that early. And that’s O.K.

“After the postpartum checkup, I didn’t feel like myself, I didn’t feel physically ready to have sex,” said Emily Stroia, 33, who lives in Los Angeles. “In terms of libido, I didn’t really have one.”

Ms. Stroia, the mother of a 10-month-old, eventually starting having sex with her partner once a month — but before she became pregnant, they had sex nearly every week, she said.

“I still kind of forget that I’m in a relationship,” said Ms. Stroia, who is struggling with sleep deprivation. “I have to remind myself that I have a partner.”

After any potential medical problems are ruled out, Dr. Nagoski advises couples to “start over” with one another by establishing a sexual connection in much in the same way they might have done when they were first getting to know each other: making out, holding each other and gradually moving in the direction of bare skin.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to find body positivity after cancer

Cancer can change how you feel about you, your body and your sexuality.

By Good Housekeeping

Cancer changes everything. The diagnosis, the treatment and the aftermath can affect your work, your finances, your relationships and, even more fundamentally, how you think and feel about you, your body, your sexuality.

The impact of treatment for breast and gynaecological cancers can be far reaching. Sometimes the changes are very visible, such as a mastectomy, while chemotherapy, radiotherapy or a hysterectomy can cause other issues, including infertility, early menopause, fatigue, loss of libido and physical changes like narrowing and shortening of the vagina, vaginal dryness and painful sex.

Changes to your body and the way you feel about it can come as a shock post treatment, says clinical psychologist Dr Frances Goodhart. “Treatment can be gruelling and often your sole focus is on getting through it. When it’s over and you’re living with a changed body, worrying about cancer coming back and feeling as though you’ve lost part of yourself, you can struggle with the sense of who you are.”

You don’t have to love your body but it is important to be able to accept.

If you find yourself struggling, you are certainly not alone. Research by Target Ovarian Cancer in 2016 found that 69% of women with ovarian cancer suffered a loss of self esteem, 73% had difficulty with intimacy and 84% reported a lower sex drive. Similarly Breast Cancer Care researchers found that eight in 10 women were unhappy with their sex life after treatment and research by Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust found that 67% of women experienced changes to their sex lives.

Given these statistics it’s clear that at least for some women, learning to love your body post cancer can be a very big ask. “Let’s be realistic – how many women actually love their bodies pre-cancer?” says Dr Goodhart. “So you don’t have to love your body but it is important to be able to accept it and recognise what it has brought you through.”

Read on for advice for finding that acceptance…

Try not to put off looking at your scars

If you have scars or other visible changes to your body, try not to put off looking at them with your doctor or nurse if this helps. Take it gradually – it’s normal to feel shocked and upset at first but for most women these feelings will ease over time.

Ask for help if you need it

And do it as soon as possible. Jo’s Trust found that two thirds of the women who experienced changes to their sex life didn’t tell a doctor. Your GP or clinical nurse specialist can provide practical help with issues such as vaginal dryness, tightness and pain and give you information on how to cope with sexual difficulties or put you in touch with someone who can help.

Intimacy doesn’t have to mean intercourse

Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, stroking can all help you to slowly get back to feeling closer and rebuild your confidence in taking things to the next level, or not. Remember it’s ok to not want to be sexual – it’s only a problem if it’s causing a problem.

Keep talking to your partner

What you have been through is scary for both of you and communication can break down if both of you avoid saying how you really feel to try to protect the other from hurt.

If you are single and want to meet someone, take your time

Dating can be hard and you are likely to feel frightened of rejection. It can be hard to know when to share the information about your cancer with a new partner – while there is no simple answer it’s important to reach a stage where you feel as though can you trust your new partner, especially if you have body changes that they don’t know about. Honesty is key to successful relationships and a loving partner should accept you as you are.

Allow yourself to grieve

You have experienced major changes to your body and a loss of confidence and certainty and it’s quite normal to feel sad, angry, defiant, even disbelieving about what has happened.

Express yourself

Talking to your partner, to a friend, to a counsellor or to other women who have been through it can help you to process what has happened and find your way forward. Some people find that writing a journal where you allow yourself to write exactly what you feel, or starting a blog.

Exercise can help boost your mood and your body confidence

One study found that twice weekly strength training after cancer helped improve women’s body image and feel better about their appearance, health, physical strength, sexuality, relationships and social functioning.

Find the positives

Despite the challenges, many women find that they emerge from treatment with a new found respect for their body. “It certainly takes time to rebuild confidence in your body but many women say that they start to reassess and to realise what their body is capable of. Women say to us if I can get beyond this I can tackle anything head on,” says Lizzy Rodgers, head of supportive services at Target Ovarian Cancer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!