Category: Sex Education

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A Better Way to Write About Sex

Works that question how we think about love and desire: Your weekly guide to the best in books

By Kate Cray

J. H. Kellogg may be best known for his popular cereal brand, but his legacy includes much more than just breakfast. The inventor of corn flakes was also a health activist who lobbied aggressively for controversial practices—including painful and extreme measures to prevent masturbation. As the book Sex in America argues, the breakfast magnate’s campaign against self-pleasure cast the normal and healthy activity as taboo, just like many of the other anti-sex forces that had dominated the country for centuries.

But those forces couldn’t persist forever. In recent years, an attitude of sex positivity has become the norm, counteracting this long-standing culture of shame. Sex actually is good, the new thinking goes, and people should be having more of it (with consent, of course). Still, although the empowering philosophy has expanded our understanding of sexuality (and is infinitely preferable to a culture of shame), its liberating power has sometimes been hindered by the simplistic way many people apply it. “Positive” may be too one-note of an outlook on something as messy and complicated as sex.

For one, not everyone wants sex. As the journalist Angela Chen explores in her book Ace, our culture’s obsession with sexual attraction can leave those with different experiences feeling abnormal or as though they have a problem that needs to be solved. Even those who do crave sex don’t crave all sex or all sexual experiences. The broad defense for any critiques of our sexual attitudes seems to be consent: If everyone involved said yes, then there can’t be a problem. But this framework is inherently limited, the academic Katherine Angel writes in Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again, as it ignores the power dynamics that sometimes restrict the freedom of our choices. We need a standard for communication that goes beyond mere agreement.

Talking about any of this can seem impossible. Sex positivity does mandate openness, but as shows like Netflix’s Sex Education demonstrate, that forthrightness often seems to permeate only conversations that celebrate sex—not those that question or complicate it. But nuanced and caring discussions about the topic do exist. One place to find them is in romance novels. The genre may have its roots in bodice rippers, many of which cast scenes of rape as romantic, but new writers are aware of these past failings—and are eager to do better. As the author Jasmine Guillory told my colleague Hannah Giorgis in 2018, she aims to write characters who respect each other and who seek not just consent but enthusiasm. In doing so, she is charting a better way to write about love and desire.

What We’re Reading

illustration of a bird and a bee

Why are young people having so little sex?

“Signs are gathering that the delay in teen sex may have been the first indication of a broader withdrawal from physical intimacy that extends well into adulthood.”

crowd of people

The limits of sex positivity

“As American culture has become more expansive in its understanding of sexuality, so has sex therapy. But this kind of sex positivity often doesn’t leave room for those who don’t want sex at all.”

Silhouette of female torso in pink over profile of face in green and shape of a hand with photo of woman's nose and lips

The problem with being cool about sex

“Half a century after the sexual revolution and the start of second-wave feminism, why are the politics of sex still so messy, fraught, and contested?”

Stills from 'Sex Education,' 'Sex: Unzipped,' and 'Sex, Love, and Goop'

Where sex positivity falls short

“The catch of a faultlessly sex-positive universe in which everyone’s up for everything is that there isn’t much space to explore what happens when they’re not.”

illustration of two people on a background printed with Cupid's arrows

How to write consent in romance novels

“[Jasmine] Guillory is particularly skilled at writing the men who woo her novels’ female protagonists with compassion and empathy … Guillory’s male leads aren’t perfect, but they’re unwavering in their respect for the women at the center of these stories.”

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Think before you sext

— The experts’ guide to teen dating

‘Once you know that you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them’.

From first kisses to ghosting, dating can be a minefield for young people. Here’s how to have a happy, healthy romance

By

Take things offline

Teen relationships often start online, so how do you progress to a real-world date? The first step is to make your chat more meaningful, says Charlene Douglas, an intimacy coach and sexual health educator. “Online, young people can banter for hours, so try to move the conversation on. Rather than just talking about celebs, or who said what at school, bring those situations back to what you have in common.”

Then introduce voice messaging and video calls, “to see if you really like the vibe of a person and to check they’re human”, says Hardeep Dhadda, presenter of the relationships podcast Thank You, Next. Her co-presenter, Raj Pander, suggests watching something at the same time on Netflix. Then: “Once you know you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them.”

Put safety first

Be sure they are who they say they are (Pander suggests checking tagged pics on Instagram), and meet in a public place, telling someone when and where you’re meeting. Pander says: “Not everyone is a serial killer, but it’s good practice to act as if they could be.”

Manage your emotions

Butterflies in your stomach? Heart racing? “It’s normal to feel that way,” says Chloe Goddard McLoughlin, a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. “Just tell the other person that you’re nervous, because I guarantee they will be as well.”

Pander, who is 37 and a self-confessed shy dater, says: “I plan a phone call with a friend before so they can prep me. We always have a contingency plan if anything gets weird, so if I text them they’ll call me so I can pretend there’s an emergency and leave.”

Be chatty

“Try to keep it light and talk about things you’re passionate about, as when you do that, your whole energy lights up,” says Douglas. Dhadda agrees: “If you like something – animals, sustainable fashion or Billie Eilish – let your date know. How can someone get to know you if you’re holding back or pretending to be someone else?” But there are no-nos: “If someone brought up sex on a first date, I’d be put off.”

Know how to end a date

“Be polite,” says Dhadda. “Consider their feelings, as they may have had the best time ever.” Pander agrees: “Tell them you had fun – even if you didn’t – look at the time and say you’d better be off.” If they message asking to meet again, be honest but respectful. Douglas recommends replying: “You’re a great person but I just don’t think we’re suited.”

Don’t sweat your first kiss

“It’s part of our cultural mythology that the first kiss is the best, but for most people it’s pretty average, so don’t sweat it,” says Goddard McLoughlin. Remember, a kiss should only happen when you’re both comfortable and have given consent. “It may take the sexiness away, but saying ‘can I kiss you?’ means you have permission and haven’t misread signals,” says Douglas.

Think about when to make things official

When do you change your status or update your profile pic to a cute couple selfie? For Pander, once you’re sure you like and trust the person, you can ask what they think about making things official. But she warns: “Do you really need them in your profile pics or online status? You’re your own person: don’t let your relationship take over your identity.”

Work out if you’re ready to have sex

“First, know the facts about sex, intimacy and pleasure,” says Douglas. “Speak to a trusted older family member, whether that’s a sister or an aunt. Don’t feel pressured into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Douglas says of her work at a girls’ school: “A lot of the girls felt they should lose their virginity on their 16th birthday. Sometimes they regretted it because it wasn’t pleasurable or they felt used. Just because the law says you’re ‘of age’ doesn’t mean you have to do anything.”

Learn how to boost your confidence

Just over half of 11- to 16-year-olds worry often about how they look, but try shifting your focus. “Imagine the most confident version of yourself,” says Natasha Devon, who gives talks at schools and universities on mental health and body image. “Think about how you stand, move and feel when you’re relaxed and self-assured, and emulate that. When we look at someone, we see them as a whole package.”

Stay aware of consent

“People think if they’ve said yes once, they can’t change their mind,” says Goddard McLoughlin. “But you have the right to say no at any point.” Douglas adds: “If you’ve said yes to a kiss, you have the right to say, midway through, ‘I want to stop.’ Similarly, if you feel ready for sex but when it comes down to it you don’t want to do it, that needs to be respected.” If you’re on the receiving end of a no, don’t feel like a horrible person, says Douglas. “Remind yourself it’s a positive thing your partner is able to share this.”

Think before you sext

A recent Ofsted report found that 80% of girls feel under pressure to send sexual images. Douglas says: “Once you send a picture, you can’t control where it goes, who sees it, or whether it’s shared. If it’s shared on the internet, it can stay there for ever.”

Understand how to handle rejection

If you’ve been rejected, Douglas says, “allow yourself to feel that pain. Be around people who are positive and who love you, and do one good thing for yourself every day.” Goddard McLoughlin suggests shifting your perspective: “Often it’s about the other person, not you.”

Avoid being spooked by ghosting

For Pander, ghosting is evidence that someone isn’t worth your precious energy. If someone suddenly cuts you off, it means they “weren’t brave enough to have an honest conversation with you. You deserve better.” Despite the crushing pain, reframe it as a lesson, says Douglas. “It teaches you the kind of person you want to be with, how you want to be treated and how you want to feel in a relationship. In future you won’t even remember the person’s name. I say that from experience.”

Don’t use porn to educate yourself

Recent research found that 45% of young people who watched porn did so, in part, to “learn” about sex, but Douglas says: “Run a mile when it comes to being educated from porn, because it isn’t an honest representation.” If you feel clueless in the bedroom, she recommends educational websites around intimacy, like climax.com or OMGYes. If you must watch porn, use the ethical kind, says Douglas: “The site makelovenotporn.tv is diverse, real and respectful. You’ll see consent, and there are elements about the importance of touch, foreplay and eye contact.” You will also see different races and sexualities, and real bodies.

… and don’t let Covid get you down

There’s nothing like a pandemic to make dating even more stressful. But according to Dr Christian Jessen, life must go on: “If a young person asked me if they should go on a first date, I would say yes. Teenagers need to carry on having as normal a life as possible.” To mask or not to mask? Jessen says: “Follow the guidelines of wherever you are.” Maybe pop it in a message to your date beforehand, so there’s no surprises. Want to ask about someone’s vaccination status? Jessen says go for it: “It encourages more adult conversations down the line about things like STIs.”

Don’t get too fixated on pandemic fears, he adds. “It’s hard to separate dating anxiety from Covid anxiety, but don’t hide behind Covid as an excuse not to date. If you’re young, generally fit and healthy, meeting one person doesn’t put you at high risk – and meeting them outdoors even less so.”

And remember, dating should be fun …

It’s about meeting different people, connecting with them and figuring out what makes you tick. “There will be firsts, there will be laughs and there might be a few tears, but try to shake off any pressure and have fun,” says Pander. “I laugh at my teen dating experiences now – and I’m sure you will, too.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Where Sex Positivity Falls Short

Television wants to help us get better at talking about sex, but some of its recent offerings miss a crucial point.

By Sophie Gilbert

Since its debut in 2019, Sex Education, Netflix’s charming and filthy comedy about teenagers at a bucolic British high school, has been a jewel in a very mixed bag of streaming content. I’ve loved and appreciated its sweetness, its sex positivity, and its absurd dramatization of school as a place where everyone is willingly and creatively getting it on, no matter the real-world evidence to the contrary. In the show’s conceit, Otis (played by Asa Butterfield), the awkward, virginal son of a sex therapist (the regal Gillian Anderson), finds self-worth and—in the end—satisfaction by giving sex advice to his cluelessly horny peers, despite having no practical experience of his own to draw on. All sex problems, the show posits, are really just communication problems. Talking openly about things (the shape of vulvas, douching, intergalactic alien erotica) diminishes shame, which means no more dysfunction. Right?

In so many ways, Sex Education is a fantasy. It’s an oddly nostalgic, Frankensteinian fusion of ’80s American movieland and British humor, all wooded landscapes and mid-century furniture and regional slang. Of late, though, I’ve started to wonder whether the show’s cheerful raunch is obscuring something crucial. Midway through the recent third season, Olivia (Simone Ashley) reluctantly agrees to have sex with her boyfriend without a condom. (“You know it feels soooo much better. Please,” he whines.) Later, panicked that she might be pregnant, she visits a sexual-health clinic in town, where a nurse gently asks if her boyfriend is pressuring her to have unprotected sex, and how that makes her feel. “Like I can’t enjoy the sex, because I’m just scared of getting pregnant,” she replies. Soon we see Olivia walking out and telling her best friend, who’s waiting for her, that she knows her boyfriend’s a “dickhead” but she still loves him. To me, it felt like an oddly neat and evasive conclusion to a story line that had raised more questions than it answered. The intimation that people frequently cajole other people into doing things that they’re not comfortable with seems to jibe awkwardly with the show’s generally breezy approach to sexuality. Rather than trying to meaningfully define the nebulous edges of consent, Sex Education changes the subject.

The scene reminded me that the fantastical nature of the series extends beyond its verdant, anachronistic setting. The catch of a faultlessly sex-positive universe in which everyone’s up for everything is that there isn’t much space to explore what happens when they’re not. The show doesn’t just put forth an unhelpfully idealized portrayal of what sex is like for teenagers. (In a recent study of male university students in the United Kingdom, more than 10 percent admitted to committing acts of sexual assault, rape, or coercion in the past two years.) In light of series such as I May Destroy You, Michaela Coel’s intricate, confrontational consideration of assault and consent, a show like Sex Education also feels more limited and confining.

Still, it’s only one in a spate of recent Netflix shows hoping to—if you’ll pardon the double entendre—fill the gaps in our sexual savoir faire. The streamer just released Sex: Unzipped, an hour-long special hosted by the rapper Saweetie that’s a kind of comical revue of modern sexual mores, loosely pegged to what the host dubs a post-pandemic “sex drought.” (“Without sex, Netflix and chill would just be watching a whole-ass movie with someone and not getting it in. Ewwww.”) Its premise, which might feel familiar by now, is that sex of all stripes is great, shaming is bad, and subjects such as coercion, consent, and even plain old discomfort aren’t up for debate at this time. The closest Sex: Unzipped comes to engaging with unequal power dynamics in bed is when the drag queen Trixie Mattel asks a puppet version of the sex educator Dr. Ruth how to make sure she’s treating sex workers ethically and Puppet Dr. Ruth quips back, “Pay double.”

Because of sex positivity’s well-intended focus on embracing openness and negating shame, it can exclude nuance, and sidestep the murkier questions of power and intimacy and trust and trauma that people inevitably bring with them into any sexualized situation. It’s easier for popular culture to present sex as a comedic smorgasbord of erotic experiences, outlandish and heartburn-inducing, than it is to wade into the realm of the unpleasant or regrettable. (That is, unless TV is presenting graphic scenes of sexual violence for arbitrary or titillating reasons.) For six seasons on Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw and her friends prattled about anal sex and porn addiction and depressed vaginas, but rarely did they talk about consent, or how to safely remove yourself from a situation that isn’t what you thought it would be. In embracing openness but not complication, Sex Education and Sex: Unzipped follow the same model.

We don’t, at this point in time, need TV shows to do PR for sex. We do need them to challenge and enrich how we think about it. Sweeping in to the rescue, oddly, comes the person I least expected to be helpful—a woman whose history of selling vagina-scented candles and jade eggs belies the fact that she’s made one of the most counterintuitive and empathetic analyses of sex on TV.

I started watching Sex, Love & Goop limbered up for new feats of eye-rolling. And at first, I got what I was prepared for: Gwyneth Paltrow in a sleeveless gray turtleneck made (one imagines) out of Tibetan-antelope hair; the introduction of “somatic sexologists,” who take a hands-on approach to sexual dysfunction; a wok cleaner repurposed as a sex toy; the breathy teasing of cutting-edge techniques that can “optimize our lives.” But somewhere amid a discussion of the “erotic blueprints” that define how individual people relate to sex, I realized I was riveted. The series wasn’t just examining the kinds of sex lives rarely considered in mainstream culture: lesbian couples, parents, people in their 60s. In acknowledging what a fundamental force expressions of desire can be in people’s lives (a means of “self-realization,” “a pathway for healing,” and everything in between), Sex, Love & Goop seems intent on redefining what people think of as sex altogether. But being a true cheerleader for pleasure also means acknowledging and confronting all the things that might be getting in the way of it.

Over six episodes, the show places five couples whose sexual and romantic lives have plateaued with different therapists who help them try to work out their issues. Some critics have objected to the fact that the series includes only people in long-term, monogamous relationships, but I found this decision revealing—if people can’t communicate openly with their most intimate partner, how are they supposed to do it with strangers? As the couples worked with their therapist, nuggets of information began to emerge: Erika, in a relationship with Damon, struggles to achieve orgasm; Shandra and Camille contend with entrenched shame and guilt about their sexuality and their bodies; Felicitas, the mother of two children with Rama, can’t get past thinking about sex as one more obligation in a day loaded with them. “Once you have a child to take care of, your capacity and willingness to take care of someone else who’s an adult diminishes,” she says. “I’m giving so much of myself, of my body. I do not need any more neediness from anybody.”

What becomes clear as the show continues, though, is how little the people participating know about themselves, and how conditioned they’ve been to avoid intimacy rather than be truly vulnerable. “Your intimate relationship is a meditation in everything that’s wrong with you,” Paltrow quotes one of her past therapists saying in the first episode, not in judgment but to say that our sex lives are usually a symptom or an expression of other parts of our psyches. Damon has understood his whole life that sex is a particular physical act, but when he works with a therapist to explore other kinds of touch, the sensation is so profound that he weeps. Erika realizes in one scene that she’s unwittingly prepared herself for pain before sex, which blocks her from fully experiencing pleasure. “I just realized I’ve been bracing for a long time,” she says, also in tears. “That’s a lot to think about.”

In the fifth episode, Sera and Dash, a couple whose problems aren’t sexual so much as emotional (both have a history of fleeing from relationships), undergo a treatment called family-constellation therapy to dig into their hang-ups. The scene is perhaps the most quintessentially Goopy of the series: A group of constellation-therapy practitioners meets outside, wrapped in folksy blankets, and absorbs the “energy” of the couple in order to channel and perform as their ancestors. “We get an imprint from how we were first loved. Then you are either going to rebel against that or want that,” a relationship expert explains to Paltrow. “In family-constellation work, you get to see it.” The moment wasn’t entirely convincing for me—some of the practitioners were more consciously performing than others—but the revelations about family members who’d deterred themselves from loving others as a kind of self-preservation felt almost universally applicable all the same. To be alive is to be exposed to hurt. But with sex, love, and intimacy, the series argues, invulnerability can be its own kind of psychic wound.

One of the strongest scenes in Sex Education comes midway through the third season, when Maeve (Emma Mackey) kisses Isaac (George Robinson), a neighbor of hers who uses a wheelchair because of a spinal injury. The moment is extraordinarily tender, as the pair continually discuss what they’re doing and negotiate ways to give each other pleasure. “I can’t feel anything below my level of injury,” Isaac tells Maeve. “If you put your hand on my chest, I’ll show you.” They briefly discuss the mechanics of intercourse, but Isaac is clear that they shouldn’t try yet—the intimation being that there’s a level of trust involved that they haven’t quite reached. “When I get touched in the places that I can feel,” he tells her, “it can get a little intense.” She complies, kissing his eyebrows and stroking his face. The chemistry between the two actors is seismic.

It’s maybe the most truly sex-positive scene I can think of on television—an example of two people who are sexually attracted to each other communicating what they want, what they don’t want, what they can do, and what they don’t want to do, yet. It made me wonder why a scene like this exists only for a character with a disability, while virtually everyone else in the series seems to see sex as a kind of eroticized trampoline park, bouncing around cheerfully with no sense of the deeper kinds of connection they might be missing. The unfettered positivity of works such as Sex Education and Sex: Unzipped can also start to feel a little like shaming for anyone whose experiences of sex might have been minimal, or disappointing, or scary. “Our culture teaches us it’s not okay to not know about sex, or to not know exactly what to do,” a therapist says in Sex, Love & Goop. The most striking truth the show reveals is that no one knows anything at all, unless they ask.

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6 confidence-boosting sex positions for when you’re feeling shy about your body or sexpertise

By Ashley Laderer

  • If you’re lacking confidence in bed, try starting with a simple position like missionary.
  • Reverse cowgirl and doggy style can be great for people who are self-conscious of their belly area.
  • For a little more adventure without going too wild, try the leapfrog or the lotus position. 

If you feel self-conscious during sex, you’re not alone. Sex can bring up lots of insecurities — about body image, sexual inexperience, and more.

In fact, one survey found that 82% of men and 91% of women don’t always feel confident about their bodies when having sex, and 86% of men and 89% of women don’t always feel confident in their sexual ability.

It’s important to note that while the sex positions listed below are ones that don’t require a ton of sexual prowess and where you can control how much of your body is exposed, learning to have a positive body image can boost your mental health.

Understand that comparing yourself to people you see on social media can lead to unhealthy, debilitating habits like eating disorders. Therefore, if you’re reading this because you’re ashamed of how your body looks, it’s important to take steps to love yourself.

In the meantime, as you are building your confidence and self-respect, you can try out some of the following sex positions for some variety and excitement.

1. Missionary

Missionary is a tried and true sex position. Your bodies will be right up against each other and you’ll be face to face, meaning your partner won’t be seeing too much of your body, says Melinda DeSeta, LMHC, certified sex therapist at Insight Counseling Center Miami.

Plus, this position is super simple, making it a great choice if you’re not confident in your sexual abilities.

To get into missionary, follow these steps:

  1. The partner being penetrated lies flat on their back.
  2. The penetrating partner gets on top, lying directly on top of their partner, and enters.

2. Reverse cowgirl

If you’re the partner being penetrated and you’re self-conscious of your belly or breasts, being on top can feel intimidating. Instead of traditional cowgirl, DeSeta suggests trying reverse cowgirl. 

To get into reverse cowgirl, follow these steps:

1. The penetrating partner lies flat on their back.

  • The partner being penetrated straddles their partner over their pelvis region, facing away from their partner.

    • 3. Doggy style

    Doggy is another tried and true position that’s simple and easy to do, even for those who are sexually inexperienced, says Ditza Katz, PT, PhD, clinical sexologist at the Women’s Therapy Center.

    Plus, neither partner’s body will be on full display.

    To get into doggy style, follow these steps:

    1. The partner being penetrated gets on all fours. If it’s more comfortable, they can then lower down onto their elbows.
    2. The penetrating partner kneels behind their partner and enters. 

    4. Leapfrog

    The leapfrog is a doggy style variation that may allow you to focus more on pleasure, rather than stewing about how your body looks to your partner.

    The altered shape of leapfrog can feel a bit more sexually adventurous than doggy (while still being simple), so you can boost your sexual self-esteem.

    To get into leapfrog, follow these steps:

    1. The partner being penetrated gets on all fours and then stretches their arms out in front of them, so their chest is down towards the bed and they are resting their head down on the bed or a pillow.
    2. The penetrating partner kneels behind their partner and enters. 

    5. Spooning

    For another position where neither partner’s body is too exposed, Katz recommends a side by side spooning position.

    To get in this position, follow these steps:

    1. Both partners lie on the same side so they are spooning, flush against each other.
    2. The penetrating partner enters from behind (they may need to slide down a bit or adjust their positioning so the pelvises will be aligned for penetration). 

    6. Lotus

    The lotus is another position where your partner won’t see too much of your body (and vice versa), says DeSeta.

    It’s also simple to do, but since you’ll be sitting upright, you might feel a little bit more adventurous than you would in a position like missionary, which can help improve your sexual confidence. To get in this position, follow these steps:

    1. The penetrating partner sits down with their legs crossed.
    2. The partner being penetrated straddles and sits on their partner’s lap, wrapping their legs around them.
    3. Maneuver your bodies so you’re aligned for penetration.

    Insider’s takeaway

    Don’t let your lack of confidence hold you back from having, and more importantly, enjoying sex. You deserve to feel pleasure and have fun in bed.

    Try out these positions and see what works best for you and makes you feel the most confident.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What Does It Really Mean To Be A Bottom?

    By Gina Tonic

    I remember a Tumblr post that changed my view of vaginas forever, as Tumblr posts are wont to do when you’re 16 years old and on the family computer late at night. The user was analysing the semantics of how we talk about sex. Why, they wanted to know, is sex always considered to be a penis penetrating a vagina? Why are penises always dominant but vaginas always submissive? What if we flip the narrative? What if the vagina envelops or engulfs the phallus? What if the penis is the submissive one of the pair?

    This heteronormative example can be easily applied to queer relationships, too. The one who receives is the ‘bottom’, the one who gives is the ‘top’. The language lends itself to the stereotypes that the former is the submissive and the latter is the dominant. Indeed, the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ are often used interchangeably with the labels ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ – but is this always true? And is it a fair assumption?

    In 2018 an Autostraddle survey discovered that 47.4% of lesbian bottoms prefer not to be actively ‘in control’ during intercourse and only 41% of bottoms identified themselves as kinky.

    Nate, a trans man who identifies as a switch, contributed to the survey with an important clarification: “Bottoming definitely doesn’t automatically mean anything kinky (same for topping), while submissive (and dominant) mean something more specifically related to kink and power play.”

    I think what tops do – give rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive than bottoming.
    Bethan, 26

    Fran, 25, a submissive queer woman from London, believes this distinction is incredibly important not just for shagging purposes but also on a queer liberation front. “Top and bottom are umbrella terms for giving and receiving,” she tells me. “But I feel these terms stem from attempts of fitting WLW (women-loving-women) relationships into a heteronormative stereotype. I strongly oppose this so I prefer to call myself submissive instead of a bottom.”

    Once again the stereotype is that receiving is a traditionally female act in heterosexual relationships and, in turn, being the ‘woman’ of the relationship is an inherently submissive role. This conflation stinks of sexism of a bygone era where woman is seen as lesser than man and so to receive is to be weaker, too.

    Lucy Rowett, a UK clinical sexologist working with sexual wellness brand Pleasy Play, asks us to reconsider the act of bottoming and submissiveness in general as a rebellion against outdated gender roles. “Remember that if you are in a lesbian relationship or you are a queer woman, you are already defying gender roles and expectations. What if you could embrace being a bottom as another form of defiance against this and being true to yourself?” she enthuses.

    “Regardless of sexuality or gender, of whether kink such as BDSM is involved, the more bottoms or submissives you speak to, you’ll find a commonality: they share a feeling of freedom,” she adds.

    In short, she says, by embracing acts that only bring us pleasure, that bring us freedom, we can find a subversive kind of liberation and power in being a submissive or a bottom.

    However it isn’t always true that a woman is the ‘receiver’ in a heteronormative relationship. It is possible for two cis straight or bisexual people to be in a relationship where the man prefers to receive and the woman prefers to give (see: pegging).

    So what to do? The problem with dismissing these labels as ‘heterosexual’ reminds me of the 1970s lesbian feminists who rallied against ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ monickers, arguing that they mimicked straight relationship roles. That’s a discourse that remains controversial today but is an outdated way of looking at queerness. The identities of femme and butch remain important to our community, our history and our identities. Dismissing the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ from queer language altogether feels, to me, like a repetition of these past mistakes.

    “I think the act of giving is more submissive,” says 26-year-old Bethan, a submissive bisexual based in London. “What tops do – give, rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive… Like if a woman is sitting on your face and using you for her pleasure, that feels like a dominant act.”

    Again, the language we use to describe our sexual gratification plays an important role. Does a bottom ‘receive’ or do they ‘take’? To push this idea further, the submissive in a kink relationship has the ultimate power over the sexual play taking place. They are the one setting boundaries, expressing what they want and having a safe word. When all is said and done, they are the decision-maker in the bedroom. The fun comes from pretending that they are not in charge at all.

    @theayapapaya My humor lately has only consisted of pegging jokes I’m sorry #fyp #foryoupage #superbowlliv #couplegoals #groupchat #boyfriend♬ original sound – teresaatm_

    You’ll find this idea in the pop culture that is developing around pegging, too. Pegging memes suggest that there are a lot more men who adore penetration than our limited secondary school sex education allowed us to imagine. Traditionally, there has been a lot of stigma surrounding pegging too. The same problem that lesbians describe with the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ dynamic is repeated here: assuming that being penetrated equals submission implies that taking on the ‘female’ role is automatically a submissive act. This not only couches submissiveness as a negative but implies that being female is a negative, too. The reality is that submission and being a woman do not necessarily go hand in hand; otherwise, as Fran puts it, “you would never see female doms.”

    @blaire_gamemy man’s says hi tiktok #LiftYourDream #18plus #pegtok♬ There is very little left of me – Larsen

    Jessica*, a 28-year-old submissive woman from Manchester who also likes to don strap-ons, explains that pegging does not have to be a part of power play at all. “I have always been submissive in bed, to the point where being dominant makes me feel extremely uncomfortable,” she tells me. “That said, I really loved pegging my ex-boyfriend – who was also my dom – and it didn’t take away from my submissiveness at all.”

    “As our relationship dynamic was already firmly set, it felt natural and even submissive in a certain sense to be the one giving him pleasure in such an intimate way,” she continues. “Although many people who want to be pegged may be submissive, I think it is important to recognise that it is possible to peg without giving up those subby feelings.”

    Ness Cooper, a sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach at The Sex Consultant, confirms that decisions about who tops, who bottoms, who doms and who subs can only be made by those within the relationship. “If you’re both into power play consensually then sure, use the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ freely if you prefer them to ‘dom’ and ‘sub’,” she says.

    Ness continues to highlight the importance of looking within your relationship and deciding what works for you. “Remember we are influenced greatly by what we see and read outside in the world when it comes to sexuality,” she continues, “but taking time to learn about yourself can be helpful as no one else knows fully about your world when it comes to how you see sexuality and sex.”

    What’s more, the only people who need to know how you describe your sexuality and how you interact with sex are the ones you are being intimate with. A label is far from a cause to force yourself into participating in a dynamic you might not be enjoying or even comfortable with. As long as the sex you’re having is consensual and pleasurable, titles can mean whatever you want them to mean.

    As Jessica and Ness lay out, the dynamic between a couple – be that top and bottom, dom and sub or any other kind of role you like to take on – is as unique as the relationship. Lumping labels together only diminishes the highly personal nature of each connection and can lead to invalidating those who don’t fit in with strict definitions of sex and kink roles.

    *Name changed to protect identity Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    The Common Sexual Health Issue You Probably Didn’t Know About

    By Ondine Jean-Baptiste

    Have you ever headed back to your date’s place after a sultry night out, ready to have a good time — only to struggle getting there physically? The connection is there, but you just cannot get yourself aroused no matter how much you want to. You might be left feeling embarrassed at this momentary impotence, kicking yourself for potentially signaling to the other party that you just aren’t that into them when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The technical term for this feeling is arousal non-concordance, which is essentially the disconnect between the mental or emotional response and the body’s response to sexual stimuli. In addition to the aforementioned scenario, arousal non-concordance can also refer to the opposite effect — when the body is responding physically to sexual activity or touches (vaginal lubrication, for example) but the desire is not there or the mind is saying no.

    Sexual wellness educator Catriona Lygate explains that while people often tend to use the words “desire” and “arousal” interchangeably, there is a marked difference between the two. By her definition, sexual arousal is a physical state of being, and something one can sometimes not have conscious control over. Desire on the other hand, is psychological. We can desire a second scoop of ice cream after dinner, less work hours, or the neighbor three doors down. This is a conscious want individuals do have control over.

    Learning and understanding the desire-arousal distinction are crucial in troubleshooting any issues in communication. Culturally, many are socialized to believe that talking about sexual likes and dislikes is awkward, embarrassing, and unnecessary; that if sexual chemistry is present, the people involved will naturally know how to please each other. In practice, this is not always the case. Arousal actually involves a tricky combination of many contextual factors such as your mood, headspace, your emotions about the relationship with the other person(s), and distinct turn-ons that play on your senses like smell, taste, and touch.

    Researcher and author Emily Nagoski popularized the term arousal non-concordance in 2015 when she first published Come As You Are; however this phenomenon has existed for as long as humans have been getting busy. To describe how sexual response works, in her book, Nagoski goes into the dual control model which involves a gas pedal and a brake. Any time your brain receives information that’s even slightly sex-related (like right now), it sends a signal varying in intensity to “hit the gas” and feel arousal. Simultaneously, your brain is also hitting the brakes based on all the external factors in the moment that may indicate it’s a bad idea to be turned on right now. She explains that being turned on relies on so much subjective messaging from our environment.

    Many have been in situations where they might not be in the mood for any sexual activity, but a caress or knowing touch in the right spot can elicit an instant response from their body. You might not want to become intimate, but physical changes can be interpreted otherwise. After understanding arousal non-concordance (the disconnect between mind and body reactions), however, it is evident that bodily arousal is not always an indicator as to whether someone wants to initiate or continue sexual acts.

    Nagoski actually digs into this further in a blogpost subsequent to her 2015 book, stating that genital response is, again, not primarily about desire or pleasure but sexual “relevance” (meaning presence of sexual stimuli). The stimulation that gets our bodies going in any given moment might be unwanted, but it has no true bearing on one’s sexual fantasies. If bodily arousal appears to be a false “green light” as previously mentioned, then arousal non-concordance is the yellow, signaling that it’s time to slow down and have a conversation. “It is crucial to know and remind yourself that you are not broken, damaged, or flawed if you experience arousal non-concordance,” shares psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri.

    What if the roles are reversed and it’s your partner who is aroused but verbally communicates they do not want to proceed? Listen and respect their limits. Dr. Balestrieri says, “Make note of the context in which you experience non-concordance, so you can be more readily prepared to discuss with a partner, set boundaries that align with your mental and emotional desire, and remain convicted of your own truth about non-consensual experiences.” And if your partner is not aroused but verbally communicates they do want to proceed? Focus on their pleasure. Use this time to ask them what they desire and focus on their erogenous zones during foreplay.

    For any instances of arousal non-concordance, the lesson here is to always communicate. If you are experiencing this issue in any form, confiding that information is important to establish understanding between you and your partner. It doesn’t have to ruin the vibe — this is the perfect opportunity to learn something new about each other by offering an alternative. Perhaps this moment helps you realize some sexual trauma ignored early on is resurfacing, and thus preventing you from feeling comfortable enough to take that next step of intimacy. “It can be helpful to work with a sex therapist or to seek assistance from an OB/GYN or urologist if you experience arousal non-concordance frequently, or if you feel distress as a result, especially if you have a history of trauma and feel confused by your body’s reaction,” Balestrieri recommends.

    At a time where sex seems on everyone’s minds after months of isolation and anxiety, talking about arousal non-concordance may ease any apprehension one might have about sexual satisfaction and can create realistic expectations when meeting someone new. Remember that genital response does not always equal sexual desire, and you should be looking for clear, verbal consent before getting down to business. Any temporary awkwardness is better than misconstruing what your sexual partner wants at that moment, and communication is key to making your partner feel safe and comfortable. Context is crucial when getting in the right frame of mind to set the mood, so don’t be shy — ask what your partner wants! When both pleasure and desire are present for all parties, it’s a guaranteed great time.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Let’s Talk about Sex Education and Human Rights

    “Human rights-based sex education is a key component in preventing gender-based violence and transforming patriarchal, hetero-normative gender relations.”

    by Dr Meghan Campbell

    Sex education is increasingly become a focal point in the so-called culture wars. Missing from political debates on the curriculum of sex education is its role in fulfilling the human rights. Comprehensive, human rights-based relationship and sex education is vital to fulfil a cluster of human rights, particularly rights to equality for women, sexual minorities, transgender and disabled people. This post explores the legal framework for sex education in the England and unearths the linkages between sex education and women and girls’ right to equality.

    Under s34 of the Children and Social Work Act 2017, sex education is compulsory for primary and secondary school children in England. On the surface this is a positive development as students will be able to access vital education on healthy relationships and safe, accurate and comprehensive sex education. However, there are two aspects of the regulation of sex education that hollow out this development. First, the curriculum can have regard to ‘the age and religious background of the pupils.’ This means that faith-based schools are allowed to teach sex education ‘within the tenants of their faith.’ Second, the regulations retain the rights of parents to withdraw their children from sex education up to and until three terms before the child turn sixteen. Both of these provisions undermine the transformative potential of sex education.

    Human Rights-Based Sex Education Curriculum

    The UN Special Rapporteur on the right to education calls for a human rights-based approach (HRBA) to sex education. An HRBA opens up a new language and framework in which the right-holder can claim against the state that there is a positive obligation to provide sex education. It also provides insights into the structure and content of sex education to ensure it upholds women and girls’ equality.

    Cultural norms praise male promiscuity while female sexuality is restrictive, passive, shameful and degrading. Girls feel stigmatised in expressing their sexuality and in using sexual and reproductive health services. They often feel they do not have the power to insist on using contraception, leaving girls at risk for unintended pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Girls are often held responsible for any unintended consequences of sexual activity and for the caring of children. Sex education can be a powerful tool to dismantle these negative cultural norms, valorise women’s sexuality and transform gender relations.

    Sex education should also form part of a holistic and transformative strategy on gender-based violence (GBV), one of the most pernicious forms of discrimination against women. There has been recent reports on the rise of sexual violence in schools and amongst students and a rise in young girls sharing sexually explicitly images and videos of themselves. Young girls report feeling pressure to produce and send sexually explicitly images of themselves to other people. These images can quickly be shared among a large number of people. This has pronounced implications for the mental and emotional health, and even lives of young girls and women. Sex education can emphasis girls and women’s rights to bodily integrity and autonomy, teach laws on sexual consent, cyber-safety and encourage young people to critically reflect on gender relations. Sex education that adopts a rights-based approach is an important preventive, empowering and transformative measure in a larger strategy to end gender-based violence.

    Challenging Religious Exemptions to Human-Rights Based Sex Education

    A rights-based approach also raises challenging issues on balancing the parent and child’s rights to religious freedom and belief against gender equality and the other human rights fulfilled by sex education. The UK legal framework allows parents to exempt children from sex education and permits schools to tailor sex education to religious beliefs. There is case law from the European Court of Human Rights that holds that it is within the state’s margin of appreciation to deny faith-based exemptions and to make sex education compulsory so as to ensure the autonomous decision making skills and safety of the child. There is also analogous case law denying faith-based schools exemptions to the ban of corporal punishment from the UK and South Africa. In these cases, the respective courts held that the dignity, security and equality of the child were paramount to religious freedom and belief. Similar arguments can be made to address moral or faith-based exemption to sex education.

    Human rights-based sex education is a key component in preventing gender-based violence and transforming patriarchal, hetero-normative gender relations. The language and power of human rights can strengthen and legitimatise claims that sex education is a necessary positive measure to fulfil fundamental human rights. It is unfortunate that the legal framework on sex education in the UK takes one-step forward and two steps back in upholding the rights of boys, girls, women and children A push to conceptualizing sex education as a positive obligation necessary to fulfil human rights can hopefully strengthen the arguments for compulsory sex education throughout all schools in the UK.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Wondering Whether You Should Be Having Sex Daily?

    Read This

    by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

    The pressure to be having more, more, MORE sex is all around, isn’t it? Seen on the cover of magazines at the checkout line, overheard in the locker room, and even scribbled on the walls of bathroom stalls. But should you be having sex daily?

    The only thing you ~should~ do is have solo or multi/partnered sex as much or as little as *you* feel comfortable with.

    It depends on who you ask.

    Researchers — and some of the general population, it seems — have a very limited definition of sex.

    What researchers are typically referring to as sex is usually penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus penetration. Depending on the nature of the study, oral sex (and sometimes rimming) may be included in the definition.

    While these things absolutely can qualify as sex, so can MANY other things, like kissing, touching, solo and mutual masturbation, outercourse, and any other intimate activity that brings a person sexual pleasure.

    With so much that can “count” as sex and the incomplete view of what’s typically studied, comparing your sex life to the so-called average is pretty pointless given how flawed the “average” data is.

    Turns out that daily sex is not all that common.

    According to a 2017 survey, only 4 percent of adults said they were having sex daily. In this survey, sex was referring to “intercourse.”

    The number of people masturbating on the daily is higher, according to the 2020 Tenga Self-Pleasure Report. Based on the findings, 13 percent partake in solo play every day.

    It’s no secret that sex has numerous benefits for your mental and physical well-being. Individuals and partners can enjoy more of these if they indulge daily.

    Let’s get down to the personal and relational benefits of sex.

    Personally

    Let’s take a look at what science says sex can do for a person.

    It can improve sexual function

    Looks like practice makes perfect — or at least better — when it comes to sex.

    The more sex you have, the better your sexual functioning. This goes for partnered and solo sex, too.

    This equates to an easier time having an orgasm and more intense orgasms. Oh yeah!

    It can reduce stress and anxiety

    Sex and orgasms have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety in human and animal studiesTrusted Source.

    That’s because sex can reduce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. It can also release endorphins and oxytocin, which have a relaxing and stress-busting effect.

    It can help you sleep better

    Who rolls over and falls asleep after getting off? Hint: It’s not just people with penises, according to a 2019 study.

    The study found that having an O before bed, either from partnered sex or self-lovin’, helped people fall asleep faster and sleep better.

    It can put you in a good mood

    Duh, right? Of course sex can put some pep in your step, but there are solid biological reasons for it.

    Sex and orgasm can trigger a surge of feel-good hormones, and some research from 2006 suggests that these good feelings last well into the next day.

    It can help relieve pain

    Why reach for aspirin when you can dance the horizontal mambo with yourself or a partner to relieve pain?

    The endorphins and other chemicals released during arousal and orgasm are natural pain relievers that work like opioids. This could explain why sex and orgasm offer quick relief from menstrual cramps, migraine, and headaches for some people.

    It can be good for your heart

    Sex is good for your heart and not just in a warm and fuzzy way.

    Along with lower stress and better sleep, which are good for the heart, sex can also lower blood pressure and counts as mild to moderate exercise, depending on how long and hard you go.

    Furthermore, frequent and more satisfying sex has also been linked to a lower risk of heart attack.

    Relationally

    The personal benefits we just covered translate to relationships, too, along with some partner-specific benefits.

    It can bring you closer

    They don’t call oxytocin the love hormone for nothing.

    Oxytocin has several relationship-enhancing effects. Bonding, affection, and trust are just a few.

    It’s released in the early stages of love as well as during all kinds of sexual stimulation. We’re talking kissing and cuddling, nipple stim, and other erogenous play, too.

    The benefits for your relationships don’t end with actual sex either, according to a 2017 study of married couples. Turns out that postcoital glow continues for 48 hours after sex and contributes to pair-bonding. The stronger the afterglow, the higher the marital satisfaction.

    More sex = more sex

    That chemical cocktail released during sex is hella strong and go-ood. So good, in fact, that it leads to wanting more, which is why the more sex you have, the more you and your partner(s) will end up having it.

    This is why experts often recommend you not be so quick to say no to sex when your partner(s) is in the mood and you’re not, and why many suggest it as a way to deal with mismatched libidos.

    Bonus, pleasuring yourself can also increase your sex drive and make you want to have more sex with your partner(s).

    Better sexual functioning

    Yes, this was one of the personal benefits listed, but it definitely helps sex with your partner(s), too.

    Improved sexual functioning from more sex doesn’t just mean better orgasms, but also things like stronger erections and an increase in vaginal lubrication production, which can make partnered sex better.

    A few, but for the most part, as long as sex is consensual, pleasurable, and not having a negative impact on your life, it’s all good.

    Personally

    If you have sex daily, you’ll want to consider these potential personal drawbacks.

    Chafing and other discomfort

    Excess friction from all that rubbing/thrusting/vibrating/kissing can leave your skin raw and chafed. Frequent handling of your tender parts is bound to leave your parts, well, tender.

    Not only could this put a damper on your daily sex sesh, but chafed skin can also crack and give bacteria a way into the body, increasing your risk of infections.

    Urinary tract infections (UTIs)

    And speaking of infection, frequent sex of the partnered or solo variety can increase your chances of a UTI.

    This is assuming you’re engaging in play that involves your genitals, since your urethra basically sits front and center to the action, which can push bacteria inside.

    Not enough time prep or recovery time

    Certain sex acts don’t require much in the way of prep or recovery, but others, like, say, anal or aggressive sex, might not be practical or even safe without sufficient time before and after.

    This can lead to pain and injuries and put you out of commission for a while.

    Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

    If you’re having sex with someone other than yourself, there’s always some risk of contracting or transmitting an STI.

    The more often you have sex, the more you increase the odds of contracting one. Regular STI testing and disclosing your results to your partner(s) is key to preventing transmission and a crucial part of overall safer sex practices.

    Relationally

    If all involved feel good about it and aren’t just going through the motions for the sake of meeting a quota, daily sex can actually be pretty great for your relationship(s). Then again, so is any amount that you’re all happy with.

    A 2015 analysis of 30,000 people found that couples who have sex more than once a week are no happier than those that have it just once weekly.

    Here’s how to go about getting a daily helping of pleasure without burning yourself or your nether regions out.

    Solo practice

    Treating yourself to some daily sexy time should be more about pleasure than pressure, so try not to beat yourself up if you don’t make it happen every day.

    Try these tips to keep the quality while upping the quantity:

    • Schedule your solo sesh on busy days but be open to rubbing one out outside that time if mood and opportunity happen to line up.
    • Masturbation’s about more than clits and dicks, so show the rest of your body (including your booty!) love, too.
    • Try different strokes to mix things and experiment with tempo and pressure.
    • Use erotic stories and porn for some sexy inspo.
    • Keep things fresh by trying different locations, positions, sex toys, and props.
    • Seduce yourself by setting the mood with candles, music, or a hot bath.

    Partner practice

    Daily sex can be a little more challenging when you’ve got different schedules and libidos to sync, but it can be done as long as you’re realistic about it.

    Try these tips:

    • Broaden your definition of sex to include acts like mutual masturbation, making out, and dry humping to accommodate varying time constraints and energy levels.
    • Keep things interesting with new positions, toys, and props.
    • Schedule sex in your calendars if you have busy or opposite schedules.
    • Keep must-haves like lube and barrier protection stocked so you have them when you need them.
    • Quickies are totes fine but set aside time for some longer sessions and afterglow.
    • Don’t feel pressured or pressure your partner(s) to play if you’re not all totally into it.

    Daily sex can be great for your well-being and relationship, as long as your focus isn’t only on frequency. Taking the pressure off and doing what feels good will serve you better than trying to hit some statistical (or perceived) norm.

    Like most things in life, quality over quantity is better. If you can have both, well that’s just a nice bonus.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    How to have The Talk with your kids

    —Avoid eye contact, joke and invent an imaginary friend

    Parents panic about The Talk because we carry a lifetime’s worth of baggage, but children are baggage-free and are not often after an in-depth conversation.

    If the thought of talking to your child about sex is terrifying, you’re not alone. But there are ways to ease everyone’s discomfort.

    By

    Does talking to my child about sex have to be a mortifying nightmare?

    There doesn’t seem to be a word for “fear of talking to your young children about sex” but it’s a phobia so widespread that surely someone should have coined one by now. But there’s good news: like many phobias, with a bit of deep breathing and some light mental reprogramming it can be overcome.

    The first conversation you’ll have with your child about sex will be most likely be The Talk. At least that’s what it’s known as – ideally it’ll be a series of talks over many years. The original Talk is The Answer to The Question (ie where did I come from?), a question often delivered when parents aren’t entirely prepared.

    It’s important to note that when kids ask this question, they’re usually not asking specifically about sex. Parents, with a rising sense of panic and a lifetime’s worth of baggage, often assume they are.

    Children, on the other hand, are baggage-free. They’re not after an in-depth conversation about sex and sexuality. They’re asking about how babies are made – a story that’s much bigger than the (admittedly important) intercourse. It’s about bodies and puberty, about using proper terminology for genitalia, about how babies grow and develop, how they’re born and fed. With almost one in every 20 babies in Australia now born through alternative reproductive techniques, it’s also about other forms of conception and different types of families.

    Sex is part of the whole story though and in this scenario it’s all about procreation. You don’t need to go into a great amount of detail. It’s good to include some loving feelings and kissing and cuddling, but – fear not – you’re not focusing on the foreplay. The whole thing is basically a way for that all-important sperm to meet that special egg and for the story to go on.

    Relieved parents often report a lack of follow-up questions but children learn according to their own level of comprehension so there’s a very high chance this won’t be your first and only conversation on the subject. That’s a GOOD THING and will form the basis for trust and future communication.

    If the idea of talking The Talk still mortifies you, remember that the whole story of human conception is something that all children need to know. It’s science, and not only is it science, it’s incredibly, amazingly cool! On top of all that, it’s a wonderful thing to be able to sit with your child and share the story of how (most) little humans come to be. Don’t forget to include alternative conception. It may not involve sex but it’s another side of the story too.

    Humour is also a great embarrassment buster so try to take a light-hearted approach. If your child senses that you’re uncomfortable or that the subject is taboo, his or her friend The Internet is happy to help. Typing “s-e-x” into Google may get you a smorgasbord of options but none are likely to be healthy for children.

    Finally, remember – you’re not alone. There are books and other resources out there that can help you find the right words.

    But wait! Just when you thought you’d got that talking-about-sex stuff out of the way, there’s more! This time it’s about sex as recreation, not procreation and this time it’s not YOU who’s feeling mortified.

    Unsurprisingly, few teenagers are champing at the bit to talk about their sex lives with their olds. Parents may hear of – even meet – girlfriends, boyfriends or partners and have good reason (ie their kid has access to the internet) to suspect their child is familiar with at least some pornography but that side of their teen’s life is usually shrouded in mystery.

    Small children may want to know where they came from but teenagers are interested in where they’re going to and who they’re becoming. Their bodies are developing and so are their attitudes to sex and sexuality. It’s no longer just about making babies – it’s about lust and desire but also about respect, relationships, consent, communication, gender, masturbation, pornography, body image, boundaries and a whooooole lot more.

    Even if you’ve managed to establish good communication with your kid, talking about sex and sexuality can still be tricky. Teenagers like to be treated like adults but sometimes the best way to initiate a potentially difficult chat is to break the rules of adult conversation.

    Do not look your child in the eye. Go for a drive or walk the dog or find an activity that involves neither of you facing each other. This makes it feel like less of an interrogation and opens up space to talk. Eye contact may come later if circumstances permit.

    Another tactic (and here eye contact is allowed) is to avoid directly addressing what you’re trying to talk about. Rather than asking them about a particular issue, try mentioning that a “work mate” (ie imaginary friend) has a teenager going through said issue and ask what they think. Your kid might not open up to you about their own experience but they’ll know that you’re aware of these things and you value their opinions.

    Alternately, talk about something you – or they – have seen in a TV show or movie or read in a book. Art is a great way to talk about hypothetical moral quandaries, relationship concerns, matters of sexuality etc that might not be so hypothetical for your teenager. Stories in the news, such as the Brittany Higgins allegations or Chanel Contos’ private school survey, can also be used to start a conversation. These all help you discuss issues in an abstracted sense and make your child feel they can explore opinions without being judged.

    There’s one adult conversation rule you definitely should follow: listen. Not only is it important for teenagers to feel heard but you’ll learn something too. They’re growing up in a different world, one which in many ways is more open and accepting than that of their parents.

    Sex is never a topic in isolation. Whether procreational or recreational, it’s always part of a bigger story about who we are and how we relate to others. Take a deep breath and master that mortification. It’s all going to be alright.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Children With Disabilities Need Sex Ed Too

    By Cammie McGovern

    In 2018, an N.P.R. investigation sent shock waves through the community of people with intellectual or developmental disabilities, their families and their care providers: according to Department of Justice data, these people are at least seven times as likely to be the victims of sexual abuse as their nondisabled peers. Terrified parents like me have been grappling with this news ever since, unsure of what steps to take to best protect their children.

    If they had previously thought about it at all, most parents probably assumed their child’s high school transition-to-adulthood program would address this issue, with sex-ed programs that include, at the very least, the necessary vocabulary for self-protection, like good touch/bad touch. But here’s the shocking reality: Currently, only three states in the country explicitly include special ed students in their sex-ed requirements. Six other states provide optional resources adapted for more accessible sex-ed curriculums. Thirty-six states fail to mention students with special needs at all, meaning the issue is left up to the individual school districts that, more often than not, punt the ball until parents demand it or a crisis arises, e.g., two students are found in a bathroom stall or a nonverbal girl is discovered to be pregnant. Then frantic measures are hastily put in place. Inevitably, the teachers are ill-prepared, the message muddled and the impact unclear, especially when these measures comes far too late for many students.

    As the parent of a 25-year-old with autism, it’s not hard for me to see how this issue got lost along the way. Schools are laser-focused on the measurable goals the federal government has prioritized — namely, employment and independent living. Where we live, in a liberal college town that wouldn’t have faced much in the way of moral or religious objection, sex education still wasn’t taught in Ethan’s special-ed classroom until other parents demanded it when he was about 17.

    The topic has long been a thorny issue for the federal government, even for the mainstream student population. Since the late 1980s, approximately $2 billion has been allocated for abstinence-only-until-marriage curriculums that countless studies have shown to be ineffective in reducing teen pregnancy. Over the last six years, a handful of bills have made their way through state legislatures mandating more comprehensive sex education that includes information on contraception, S.T.D. prevention, online safety and sexual orientation. While this is undoubtedly a step in the right direction, little — if any — mention is made in these bills when it comes to students with disabilities.

    A glance at a radically different approach taken in Britain shows us that it is possible to do better for all our children.

    In 2017, Britain enacted a law requiring “relationships and sexuality education” to take place in all secondary schools, with a foundation that starts much earlier. In primary grades, pupils starting at age 6 will get one or two lessons a week on “healthy relationships,” including anti-bullying, friendship-building and empathy. Later on, older students will cover topics including consent, healthy and unhealthy relationships, L.G.B.T. issues, gender stereotyping, harassment and social media safety. The government argues that the earlier curriculum sets up a strong basis for the more complex subjects covered in adolescence.

    In Britain, this mandate both includes special-ed students, and also offers a whole gamut of specific recommendations for them: encouraging a “spiral curriculum” where topics are revisited regularly in greater depth; avoiding euphemistic language (like “sleeping together”) that can confuse children with disabilities, especially those on the autistic spectrum; using experiential learning, including field trips to health clinics; and role playing during which students are given a chance to practice saying “No.”

    This inclusive approach plays out in countless ways. On the BBC’s educational channel, it’s possible to watch elementary pupils with developmental disabilities pass around an anatomically correct doll as the teacher talks about body parts. For older children, schools may buy books with cartoon illustrations — such as “Things Ellie Likes: A Book About Sexuality and Masturbation for Girls and Young Women With Autism and Related Conditions” and “Things Tom Likes,” with information for boys and young men.

    I’m embarrassed to say, when Ethan was growing up, it didn’t occur to us to make these kinds of resources a priority — both for his safety and for the sake of the possible relationships he might one day want to explore. We were too busy fretting about his failed job placements and teaching him how to use an A.T.M. I suspect the same is true for many families navigating the choppy waters of transitioning a child with developmental disabilities into adulthood. You look around for clues to their future, the same way you did when they were a newly diagnosed toddler: What matters most? What should we focus on? You follow the lead of other parents and educators — mostly focused on jobs and cooking skills — and you hope they’re right. And then you hear a story on N.P.R. confirming the reality of a fear you’ve buried for too long and you think: Wait. Why haven’t we talked about this more?

    We know our children and their exquisite vulnerability: their willingness to trust, their dependence on others for help. How do you teach a child that the world isn’t all the kindhearted teachers and adults they’ve known all their lives? The answer is clear: We ask those teachers to help us tell them. And we demand that our government gives those teachers the training and tools to do so.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Is it time to explore the benefits of sex journalling?

    By Lucy Tomeka

    For quite the conservative society that we live in, allow me to be a little unconventional and ask; why is sex talk such a taboo? Even amongst married couples and those in long-term relationships, this tends to be a hush-hush conversation, only to be held in certain confinements.

    I recently watched a hit series on Netflix called Sex Life and boy did that get me thinking. And before you label me naughty and whatever else prejudicial judgement popped up, I simply mean it gave me an idea that may help us and those coming after us get out of the funk we at times find ourselves in, especially long-term partners.

    This part of our lives that we’d rather blissfully not talk about is one that causes way too many rifts so it then hit me, why not do what I do best when I can’t talk? Why not write down your thoughts? We have all gone through the journalling phase as we grew up.

    However, much like those very personal inputs you guarded with your life back then, why not try a sex journal in your adulthood?

    What is a sex journal you ask?

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    Sex journalling is just that: journalling with a focus on your sex life, your sexuality, and whatever else that means to you. There are no rules while doing it and you get to decide the tone, what to track and when, with whom to share it with, and ultimately, how to integrate your findings into your sex life.

    We may want to have all the control over many things including our sex life, but like many things in life, our pleasure will rise and fall according to what nature dictates. Some days you are on cloud erotica, while on other days your body simply refuses to cooperate.

    If you’re open to the process, a sex journal can help you reflect on your experiences, desires, and fantasies. That way, you know exactly what tickles your fancy. “I would keep one because I’d like to refer to it when I want to spice things up and also because it sounds like something I would enjoy doing,” says Nikki Kassim, a local businesswoman.

    A safe space

    I bet you thought I would get into the ins and out of sex but I would much rather explore the benefits and ways of creating a safe, secure and comfortable environment for you and your spouse or partner and maybe just for yourself, to understand yourselves better.

    This could range from anything about preferences, places, fantasies, no-go areas, vulnerabilities, and any other thing that makes you tick.

    It is not purely negative or positive that you only put in the best and worst experiences; rather it is your safe place to put down all that concerns your body and mind.

    For example, women are in large ruled by hormones throughout the month. We have high and happy days, cool, calm and collected days and we have days that even the devil himself wouldn’t try us. Based on my little yet ever-evolving understanding of the female species, I have come to appreciate just how helpful a sex journal would be.

    “Sex communication affects individuals in both positive and negative depending with their personalities and orientations,” explains Mr Justus August, an Applied Psychologist for Hatua Therapies & Consultancy in Tanzania.

    “For introverted individuals, they tend to find it difficult to communicate their desires or dislikes about sex openly and as a result when forced or ought to communicate, this lowers their self-esteem which will directly affect their feelings when it comes to sex,” he says.

    “For extroverted individuals it is likely to affect them positively if they have extroverted partners. A sex journal may prove beneficial to some people but this is subject to culture as sex is to some extent guided by cultural principles.”

    Deep seated conditioning

    Opening up to having a conversation about sex leaves one feeling vulnerable and exposed. This I attribute largely to the deep seated cultural, traditional and religious conditioning.

    For many, it is either religion guides you to do this and culture or tradition guides you to do that; but when it comes to not talking about sex, these factors somehow find symphony and merge into one guide.

    Men, unlike women, rarely have the sex talk or at least to the degree that the girl child is taught. Women are taught in kitchen parties and have all sorts of racy conversations at saloons but men don’t have similar platforms.

    “I think sex miscommunication affects individuals in a sense that most of them end up feeling trapped in a cave that they cannot get out of and for men it’s even worse and is one of the reasons that lead to infidelity and people deciding to try things out with partners outside of their relationships,” says Michael Baruti, host of Men, Men, Men, The Podcast.

    “Since talking about sex is a taboo even in adult relationships, the failure to explore what you and partner both want just because you can’t communicate about it might be very detrimental for any relationship,” he adds.

    Many of these relationships end up in a funk, stagnant with couples being sexually bored and some find alternative ways to deal with their boredom and dissatisfactory situations.

    Journal your way into a sexscapade

    In the Netflix series, Sex Life; the young wife and mother of two, finds herself sexually frustrated with a less than attentive husband. Even though her life is the stuff of jealousy and she has all the money, time and luxury she could want, she feels her life still lacks something.

    She then begins to journal her past experiences and one day, after being so exhausted with mother duties, forgets to shut down her laptop as she went to put the baby down and fell asleep as well.

    When she came downstairs in the morning, she was horrified to find that her husband had read her entries. He however surprised her and used it as a manual to better their sex life.

    The beauty about this series was that it is based on the true story and events of author B.B. Easton in her memoir, ‘44 Chapters About 4 Men.’

    There are plenty of benefits from owning a sex journal. Some may be long-term, short-term while others are mutually beneficial for both you and your partner.

    You learn more about your sex drive

    By tracking your sex life, you can be able to see the patterns that influence your decisions in the bedroom.

    A sex journal can help you process your experiences

    Very few of us spend hours us thinking about our sexuality and what we enjoy. True, lots of people spend hours fantasizing, but most of us don’t think about our sex lives in non-sexual, introspective ways. Having a sex journal gives you that push.

    When you write these things down, you can contextualise emotions and put things into perspectives.

    Sex journalling might make it easier to communicate with your partner

    Many women are coy on sex matters if the tens of posts I have come across on various social media platforms are anything to go by. You are thinking, “If I tell him that I don’t like it this way, it may cause a rift between us.” For peace to reign, you play the pretence card.

    By keeping a sex journal, like our lead from Sex Life, you leave a subtle invitation to your partner to learn more about you and your body. For openness, it is best that both of you keep the journal and exchange notes. That way, it is a win-win situation.

    A sex journal prompts you to think of new things

    You review your journal, but then you note that in many entries the pattern is leaning in one direction. Boring, right? A sex journal is your rescue. Because by noting the patterns, you can spice things.

    Mental clarity

    Now more than ever, at the advice of counselors and therapists, many individuals are warming back to journalling.

    Journalling for some, myself included, has been stress relieving and helps put down things and thoughts that you may otherwise forget. This will help you keep track all toxic traits and other behaviours you may want to change and may also give you something positive to look back on and pat yourself on the back for in terms of growth and advancement.

    Those mental health benefits go far beyond your brain. Studies show that reducing intrusive thoughts, ditching toxic, self-deprecating habits, and controlling stress can all improve your libido and help you connect deeper with your partner.

    Helps you track traits

    Moreover, journalling can help you become more self-aware and pinpoint unhealthy patterns that may be negatively impacting your sex life, such as the partners you’re choosing, the boundaries you’re setting or lack thereof, insecurities you might have, and so on.

    If you have a tendency to project past insecurities onto new people, a sex journal will definitely help you pinpoint these weak spots and that state of vulnerability just might be the turn the page you so desperately need to break out of that cycle.

    Wondering where to start?

    Incase by now you have decided to give this absolutely crazy idea a chance but you are still unsure of how to go about it, here are a few questions that could guide you;

    • How was your last sexual experience? How was it different from your first experience?

    • What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you feel you needed to know?

    • What are your arousal levels during different times of your menstrual cycle?

    • What are your arousal levels compared to your stress levels and mental health?

    • How present did you feel in your body?

    • Were there any emotional or physical blocks that you noticed? How deeply are they connected to your upbringing?

    • What acts are you currently curious or fantasizing about?

    • What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

    As era evolves into the next era, there are lessons we need to be adept at teaching our young ones because burying our heads in the sand simply means that the world will do the teaching for us and if our experiences are anything to go by, the world isn’t such a kind teacher.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What Does Cisgender Mean, Exactly?

    Gender therapists and educators break things down.

    By Gabrielle Kassel

    Whether you heard the term ‘cisgender’ flung around on Vaderpump Rules, at your last doctor’s appointment, or on social media and are wondering WTH the word means, you can quit looking for your answer because it’s here.

    Below, three gender therapists and educators explain what ‘cisgender’ means and how it differs from ‘transgender’ and ‘non-binary.’ Plus, they share tips for exploring your own gender, which (spoiler alert!) they recommend everybody try!

    Cisgender, A Definition

    Put simply, cisgender is a word for someone’s gender aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth, explains Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. Important: Cisgender is an adjective, not a noun, they say. Meaning, someone is not ‘a cisgender’. They’re a cisgender man, cisgender woman, or cisgender person.

    Confuzzled by some of the terms in the above definition? Let’s clarify. Gender refers to a set of behaviors, interests, and roles that society uses to put you in the “woman”, “man”, “non-binary” or “other gender” box. Basically, gender is the way a person moves through the world, and what they wear as they do it.

    Also known as someone’s natal sex, sex assigned at birth is a label given to newborns (and sometimes fetuses) based on factors like hormones, genitals, and chromosomes. Doctors use this info to put ‘male’ or ‘female’ on the birth certificate.

    (Worth knowing: About one percent of people are born intersex, meaning they have sex characteristics that do not neatly nearly into neither the male or female box, says Rae McDaniel, a non-binary licensed clinical counselor and gender and sex therapist based in Chicago. Sadly, most doctors wait to fill out the birth certificate until the newborn has undergone treatments that force them into one of two categories).

    Someone is cisgender when they are man and were assigned male at birth (AMAB), or when they are a woman and were assigned female at birth (AFAB).

    Cisgender vs. Transgender

    Transgender is the word used when someone’s gender does not align with their assigned sex at birth. “The prefix ‘trans’ means on the other side of,” explains McDaniel. So someone is transgender if they have a gender that is on a different side of their sex assigned at birth, they say.

    Need some examples? Think about trans-celebrity Elliot Page, who was assigned female at birth and is a man. Or Laverne Cox who was assigned male at birth and is a woman!

    For the record: Both of these Netflix stars are what would be considered binary trans people. “Someone whose gender is not aligned with their sex assigned at birth and does fit neatly into the ‘man’ or ‘woman’ box is a binary trans person,” explains McDaniel.

    Someone whose gender is not aligned with their sex assigned at birth and does not fit neatly into those boxes — for instance, is non-binary, agender, genderqueer, to name just a few non-binary trans identities — is known as a non-binary trans person, they say. (Think: Demi Lovato or Jonathan Van Ness). The more you know!

    How Do I Know If I Am Cisgender?

    “You are cisgender if your gender correlates to the sex you were assigned at birth, and gender your parents assumed you were and raised you are,” says Kahn. “For example, if when you were born and the doctors were like “it’s a girl!” and you grow up to be a woman, you’re cisgender,” he says.

    According to pleasure-based, queer- and polyamory- inclusive sex educator and sex-positivity advocate Lateef Taylor, most cisgender folks never ever question their gender. So if you’ve never thought, “Wait, am I actually a girl??” or felt like your gender was a too-tight pair of jeans, odds are you are cisgender. (Yes, even if you’ve never heard this identity term until now!).

    If, however, you don’t feel like the gender you’ve been living in is the “right” gender, you may not be cisgender. In this instance, Kahn notes that there are a variety of words you might use to name your lived experience and gender. Including non-binary, transgender, non-binary and transgender, or any other gender identity term.

    4 Tips For Exploring Your Gender

    “Critically exploring your gender, and questioning how you want to dress and express yourselves is beneficial to everyone,” says McDaniel. So no, these tips aren’t just for non-binary and transgender folks!

    “Doing so can help people across the gender spectrum experience a kind of gender freedom,” they say.

    1. Give yourself a Gender 101 course.

    “Start by educating yourself on what gender is, various gender terms such as non-binary and transgender, and what the differences are between things like gender identity and gender presentation,” suggests Kahn. The Gender Reveal, En(ba)by, and Queery podcasts are all good sources for this.

    (FTR: Gender presentation and gender expression encompasses things like how you dress, act, talk, and walk and it does not have to match your gender identity).

    2. Interrogate your own preconceived notions.

    Beyond just educating yourself on the terminology, “it’s important to also reflect on your familiarity with, relationship to, and underlying judgments and assumptions of the people and communities that embody these identities, expressions, and experiences,” says Kahn.

    While we all have judgments, and it’s OK that we do, he says, “we do need to be aware of and work to unlearn, not perpetuate, those judgments.”

    One way to unlearn those judgments is by following people across the gender spectrum on Instagram. Another way is to consume memoirs by non-binary, transgender, and gender non-conforming folx. I recommend starting with Amateur by Thomas Page McBee and Sissy by Jacob Tobia.

    3. Do some deep thinking.

    Better yet, grab a journal. Then, Khan suggests jotting down thoughts on questions like: What does gender mean to me? How might I describe my gender? What words resonate for me? What’s my gender presentation and how does that differ or feel aligned with my gender?

    4. Focus on what brings you gender joy.

    Often, says McDaniel, when people talk about how to explore your gender there’s a lot of attention on what clothing, expectation, and roles make you feel icky. How un-fun!. “But rather than focusing on all the things that make you feel bad, it can be helpful to think about what things make you feel good,” they say. (Things that make you feel good in your gender are often known as gender euphoric).

    Your job: Make a list of all the articles of clothing, activities, chores, colors, hairstyles, and makeup #lewks that make you feel gender bliss. Then, lean into them and continue leaning into them.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Why You Shouldn’t Feel Pressure to Label Your Sexuality

    Fear not: Sexuality doesn’t have to be black and white!

    By Nona Willis Aronowitz

    Q: Hi. I’m Sadie and I’m 15. Right now I’m really confused because I know that I’m romantically attracted to guys, but sexually attracted to girls. I just don’t know why I can’t like guys in the same way that I like girls, and I don’t even feel romantically attracted to girls. What does this mean?

    A: Before we get to what all this means for your identity and relationships, let’s talk about what this stuff literally means, starting with the basics. “Sexual attraction” means feeling like you want to make out or engage in some level of sex with another person. “Romantic attraction” means feeling non-platonic emotional connection with or attachment to someone, but can also involve physical affection like cuddling. Romantic and sexual feelings don’t always go hand in hand.

    As a culture, we fully accept this on an individual basis: Nobody would bat an eyelash if, say, one person loved hooking up with her classmate yet didn’t get enough romantic butterflies to actually date them. But as you’ve already noticed, this can happen with entire genders, too: One gender may inspire love, but not lust, and vice versa.

    People can be homoromantic or heteroromantic, just like they can be homosexual or heterosexual. They can be sexually attracted to more than one gender (bisexual or pansexual) or romantically attracted to multiple genders (biromantic or panromantic). When people’s romantic and sexual attractions don’t match up gender-wise, it’s called romantic and sexual discordance. That sounds intimidating and long-winded, but it’s just a technical term you never have to use if you don’t want to. Discordance isn’t wildly uncommon; in a 2016 study of 414 adults, 10% of them reported having discordant sexual and romantic orientations.

    “People can definitely be homosexual but heteroromantic” (which is what you describe in your letter) “although it is less common than being, say, bisexual and heteroromantic,” says Emily Lund, PhD, assistant professor of Counselor Education at the University of Alabama and one of the authors of the 2016 study. “People can also have different degrees of attraction to different genders and these can fluctuate over time.”

    You describe feeling confused over your romantic and sexual attractions, and that’s perfectly fine. Lund says you shouldn’t feel like you have to commit to one identity now—or ever. “Sexual identity development is a process, especially for people who have a non-normative sexual or romantic orientation,” Lund says. “Many people go through several labels and identities to describe their sexual and/or romantic attractions before finding one that fits. And some people never find a label that quite fits.”

    In other words, it’s totally OK to simply exist and date whoever strikes your romantic or sexual fancy, without an explanation. If you’re looking for models or support, it might help to seek out queer spaces for teens, particularly those that honor non-normative sexuality, like Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. (Their website has information about all kinds of identities on this spectrum.) As their founder, David Jay, told me a few months ago: A label is “not an inner truth, not a medical diagnosis. If it feels useful, use it. If it ever stops feeling useful, stop using it.”

    Even if you do find an identity or term that feels right, keep in mind that at 15, your body and mind is raging with fluctuating hormones and information overload. “Fifteen-year-olds are often still developing in both their romantic and sexual attractions, so it may be that Sadie’s feelings and attractions will shift over time,” says Debby Herbenick, PhD, professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health. This is backed up by research: Psychologist Lisa M. Diamond studied 100 women over more than a decade, as they moved from adolescence into adulthood, and found that their sexual orientations often shifted according to their life stage. “This can happen with romantic feelings, too,” says Herbenick.

    That’s not to discount your current attractions. After all, this may very well be who you are for the rest of your life, which is fine, too. What these experts are trying to say is that you should not feel pressure to label your sexuality yet, or ever. We as a society focus a lot on who and what people are — but our identities are ever-changing!

    So let’s go back to your question: What does this mean? You may be worried about how you’ll be able to have both a sexual and romantic relationship with a single person. The comforting fact is that people work out all kinds of arrangements.

    Perhaps you’ll gravitate towards open relationships or polyamory, feeling romantically close to one partner while sexually satisfied by another. Perhaps you’ll fall in love with someone whose gender you are not sexually attracted to, but still have sex with them gladly and generously. “People of all sexual orientations sometimes have sex not because they’re feeling strong desire, but because they want to help their partner feel good, and sometimes their partner does the same for them,” Herbenick says. You might also find someone whose gender matters little to you, who you’re both romantically and sexually attracted to. There are countless options.

    The main thing to remember is that, no matter how your orientations develop, it’s possible to have a healthy, fulfilling romantic and sexual life. And again—I cannot stress this enough—figuring out your desires is going to be a conscious, active, lifelong process. It’s always a good idea “to explore and to check in every now and then and see how you’re feeling,” Herbenick says. “Whether you’re 15 or 55.”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    How To Respect and Affirm Folks Who Use Multiple Sets of Pronouns

    By Gabrielle Kassel

    In May, Instagram launched a pronoun feature, allowing individuals to add up to four pronouns to their profile (without eating into their bio’s 150-character limit). And considering some individuals use multiple sets of pronouns—for example they/she pronouns, she/they/he, or she/he—it’s a long-awaited change that’s important for not only these folks, but for all people.

    Often, people who use multiple pronouns are burdened with the obligation of educating others, fielding questions like “Why do people use multiple pronouns?” and “How do you respect someone who uses multiple pronouns?” To save these folks from the emotional labor associated with explaining—and to answer these common questions about multiple pronouns—keep reading for expert intel from Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City, Rae McDaniel MEd, LCPC, a licensed clinical counselor and gender and sex therapist based in Chicago, and folks who use multiple sets of pronouns themselves.

    Why people use multiple sets of pronouns

    “There’s a wide variety of reasons someone may use two or more sets of pronouns,” says Kahn, adding that for some, it’s a way to signal the expansiveness of their gender. Alex, a non-binary femme, says, “I use they/she because I don’t feel like my gender can be encapsulated in one word, so I feel best when my pronouns are mixed all around.” And Everett, who is bigender, says, “I use she/he because some days I feel like I fit into the ‘man’ box, and on other days I fit better into the ‘woman’ box.”

    Pronouns may indicate someone’s gender, but do not always, says Kahn. That means someone can be non-binary and use he/him pronouns or be non-binary and use she/her pronouns. With this in mind, pronouns can be less related to gender identity, and more so a way to acknowledge the expansiveness or complexity of gender. Basically, don’t assume someone’s pronouns indicate their entire gender identity.

    Some people might use multiple pronouns because their pronouns vary based on where they are or who they’re with, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW.

    Some people might use multiple pronouns because their pronouns vary based on where they are or who they’re with, says Kahn. Tyler, for instance, uses he/him while with family and friends from childhood, but they/them with people they met after college. “Being referred to by he/him doesn’t give me gender dysphoria, so continuing to use he/him with people who have known me a long time saves me the stress of having to explain why I use they/them sometimes.” Leo, who uses she/xe also uses multiple sets of pronouns to ensure there’s no need to constantly educate others on neopronouns, which are words created to stand in place of gendered pronouns entirely. “Using xe/xem/xyr brings me gender bliss, but I only use them in community with people who are well-versed in neopronouns,” Xe says. “Otherwise I end up having to do a lot of Pronoun 101 teaching.”

    Kahn lists a few other additional reasons some folks use multiple sets of pronouns: “Some people use multiple pronouns because they prefer one set of pronouns, but are okay with a another set of pronouns; some use multiple pronouns because they’re indifferent to all pronouns; and some people use multiple pronouns to try out new pronouns,” he says.

    Does the order of the pronouns matter?

    As with most gender, sexuality, and pronoun-related questions, there is no one-size-fits-all answer with respect to whether the ordering of multiple pronouns matters. “Sometimes the order of pronouns is important to someone, and sometimes it’s not,” says McDaniel. And, adds Kahn, some individuals use the order to indicate that they would like the first set of pronouns to be used more than the second (or third) set, while for others, the order is irrelevant.

    So, given how personal preferences surrounding multiple pronoun use is, how can you proceed in a way that’s most respectful of the person in question? If you have a strong relationship with the person,“it’s best to ask if the person likes certain pronouns used in certain scenarios, contexts, or with different people, and if there’s anything they want you to know about how to use their pronouns in a way that is most affirming to them,” says Kahn.

    And if you’re not super close to the person, you can still ask for guidance in a way that is respectful of their time, space, and energy. You might ask, “I’d love to use your pronouns in a way that feels best to you. Would you be willing to share with me what that is?” Or, “Do you have the bandwidth to explain to me how you want me to use your pronouns?” Both questions suggest that you understand the tedious nature of pronouns-explaining, and that you’ll respect them if they don’t currently have the time, interest, or energy to answer your Q’s.

    Other ways to affirm individuals who use multiple pronouns

    First things first: If you’re cisgender and haven’t already, share your pronouns everywhere (email signature, Instagram bio, Zoom avatar, dating-app profiles, etc.). Also, introduce yourself with your pronouns when meeting someone new because sharing your pronouns helps to normalize the practice for all people, including those who use multiple pronouns.

    Sharing your pronouns helps to normalize the practice for all people, including those who use multiple pronouns.

    Also, if you meet someone who uses multiple pronouns, Kahn says they may want you to use multiple pronouns when you refer to them. In practice, that looks like switching up or even alternating the pronouns that you use. “If you’re talking about a friend who uses he/they pronouns, for example, you might say something like, ‘I ran into Tim the other day, and they said we should come over and grill. He said there will be burgers’,” says McDaniel. “If you default to one—especially the one that is more commonly known to be within the dominant binary norm—you may be communicating how you see them and the type of effort you’re willing to put in to use someone’s correct pronouns.” While doing so may be easier for you, it may come at the expense of ensuring the other person feels fully seen and recognized.

    Finally, remember that practice can help. Games like Minus 18 and Gender Wheel allow you to practice using pronouns in a fun way. Or, you can pen paragraphs about made-up people who use multiple sets of pronouns for practice. As the saying goes, pronoun practice makes pronoun perfect—and normalizing multiple pronoun use is a key step to ensuring destigmatization for all.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Teach Your Tweens About Sex With These 10 Helpful Books

    Do you remember the first time you learned about the birds and the bees? Talking about sex can be awkward as a kid and as a parent, but it’s so important. The American Academy of Pediatrics says you should talk to your kids about sex “early and often.” Some of these conversations can include talking about what sex is, what sexual orientations are, STDs, and when to know it’s the right time to have sex. It’s much better for them to learn about healthy, safe sex practices from you than from their friends!In addition to talking to your tweens, you can also provide them with some helpful, informative, and entertaining books about sex, consent, and intimacy designed just for them. My mom did this for me, and it was so much better to read about sex, then ask her questions later. Discover 10 best books about sex for tweens ahead.

    The Best Books About Sex For TweensBy Sydni Ellis

    1 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

    30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

    Too much sex talk at once can be overwhelming, so 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+ ($19) by Educate and Empower Kids makes it easy. This book breaks down different topics into 30 digestible chunks, covering everything from emotional intimacy to consent.

    2 Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education

    Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education

    One of the most important topics your tween can learn is consent. Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education ($12) by Jennifer Lang, M.D., answers questions about dating, relationships, consent, and sexual safety. It features a frank, compassionate, evidence-based approach to anatomy, communication, sexual identities and orientations, and more from a board-certified OB/GYN.

    3 It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health

    It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health

    4 Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up

    Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up

    Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up ($15) by Jacqui Bailey talks about different changes that boys and girls can expect. The book also features open discussions on genitals, menstruation, sex, condoms, contraception, STDs, and pregnancy.

    5 Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-And-Answer Book for Kids

    Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-And-Answer Book for Kids

    6 In Case You’re Curious: Questions About Sex from Young People with Answers from the Experts

    In Case You’re Curious: Questions About Sex from Young People with Answers from the Experts

    7 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents

    100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents

    Talking to your parents about sex is hard enough, but imagine trying to get details about orgasms and oral sex? 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents ($13) by Elisabeth Henderson and Nancy Armstrong is the perfect solution. This book features frank, accurate, and fun discussions on everything from buying condoms to the G-spot.

    8 Sex: An Uncensored Introduction

    Sex: An Uncensored Introduction

    Let’s talk about sex, baby! Sex: An Uncensored Introduction ($10) by Nikol Hasler is an uncensored guide to sexual orientation, masturbation, first-time concerns, birth control, protection, and so much more.

    9 S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties

    S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties

    10 The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth

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    Even if your tween doesn’t identify as LBGTQ+, it’s still a good idea to get them The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth ($36) by Jo Langford to understand LGBTQ+ identities and what sex, dating, relationships, puberty, and safety are like for these youths. This is a fun, factual guide that is also helpful for parents!

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