Between the sorry state of sex education in the United States and a comparative lack of widely accessible LGBTQ+ sexual health resources, it takes a while for most queer and trans folks to learn — and name — the type of sex they want to have. This can be especially true for those who prefer non-normative types of sex or simply feel a bit boxed in by depictions of queer sexuality in the media or online. Often overlooked in popular representation of queer sex, outercourse, in particular, is a great way for folks across the gender, sexuality, and ability spectrum to explore pleasure.
As a catch-all term, “outercourse” describes the many sex acts and erotic activities that lie outside of internal (often called penetrative) sex. There are so many reasons queer and trans folks are drawn to outercourse, according to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers. For many people, outercourse may feel more affirming and pleasurable “particularly if you are undergoing bottom surgery recovery or getting used to your new growth because of HRT,” says Stewart.
Outercourse is often confused with foreplay — and for some people it is — but it can also be its own thing. Whereas foreplay is more like an appetizer, outercourse is about the holistic experience of sex, more of a potluck of pleasure than any single entrée.
Below, queer sex educators share everything you need to know about outercourse including what it is, how to have it, and why you might love it.
What is outercourse?
Outercourse describes sexual or erotic activity that does not involve internal vaginal and/or anal sex, or in other words non-penetrative sex. Often, outercourse is used as an umbrella term for external-only sex or hookups, but it encompasses a variety of sexual or erotic acts like mutual masturbation, oral sex, or grinding. But more on that later!
“Some people may view outercourse as foreplay and others may view outercourse as the main course,” says Lena Peak, a queer sexuality educator and founder of Eros Insights. “There’s no definitive answer here, you and your partner(s) get to define these terms for yourselves, or even reject them altogether!”
“One of the main reasons people might enjoy, prefer, or prioritize outercourse in their sex lives is because it de-centers penetration as the pinnacle of sex,” adds Peak. Traditional heteronormative sex — or intercourse if we want to get specific — is often defined by the presence of cis men and centers their pleasure. Outercourse, on the other hand, upends this narrow, more hegemonic understanding of sex and what “counts.” It allows people of all genders and bodies to imagine, speak back, and co-create the kind of connection they crave — regardless of the specific sex acts involved.
As a result, outercourse is a mainstay for many queer and trans people, particularly for those who may experience gender dysphoria, have a history of trauma, certain medical conditions, or disabilities, in addition to folks who simply prefer this type of pleasure.
Is it the same as abstinence?
No, outercourse isn’t the same thing as abstinence, but there is some nuance here.
Generally speaking, abstinence is the decision to refrain from sex or sexual activity, particularly P-in-V sex. Some people choose abstinence for moral, cultural, or religious reasons, while others opt to take a purposeful break for personal or medical reasons. Abstinence is also used for pregnancy and STI prevention.
But what exactly qualifies as sexual activity, or being abstinent more generally, depends on the person. For some, anything “beyond” kissing is off the table, while others consider everything except internal sex to be chaste. With such varied definitions, it’s possible that one person’s sex is another person’s abstinence. So while there can be overlap between the physical acts of outercourse and some types of abstinence, the main difference is intention.
Whereas abstinence is about limiting or distancing oneself from sex or gratification, Stewart says outercourse is inherently about receiving and giving pleasure. Make sure to have a conversation with any potential partner about how you define sex, outercourse, and abstinence.
How do I have outercourse?
The good news is there’s absolutely no “wrong” way to have outercourse. The only limit is your imagination.
To get you started, there are the usual suspects: heavy petting (or touching someone, often their genitals, indirectly through their clothing), oral sex, mutual masturbation, and hand jobs. Fingering may also come into play here, which means using your fingers and hands to arouse yourself or your partner. Typically, fingering refers to touching a vulva, clitoris, or anus. Though fingering often includes internal vaginal or anal touch, it doesn’t have to. Grab some lube and use your fingers to touch your partner’s vulva with long, gentle movements to “warm up,” before playing with their clit. Unless your partner is into it, you should avoid sharp, prodding motions. Instead use the pads of your fingers and focus on stroking motions.
You might also opt for grinding, which is sometimes referred to as “dry humping” or “tribbing.” Usually, this involves rubbing your genitals against someone’s body (like when straddling someone’s waist or thigh, for example.) The infamous act of scissoring is in this general family of touch as well, though it involves direct genital contact.
There are also sex acts that don’t focus on genitals, instead opting for a more integrated or erotic approach, like sensual massage or deep kissing. Some kink activities like impact play, bondage, or sensory play also fall under this category. If you’re not sure where to start, Peak recommends setting time aside to explore pleasure mapping, which involves using different types of external touch and sensations on different parts of the body. This can help you not only identify how you like to be touched, but also discover and potentially “map” new erogenous zones on your body.
Though these are all great jumping-off points, it’s important not to get too bogged down with what is or isn’t considered outercourse. Just focus on what turns you on. “Rather than narrow your scope to certain specific behaviors, try making a list of all of the areas on the outside of your body that you enjoy stimulating or that you’re curious about stimulating,” sex educator Cassandra Corrado tells Them. “How do you like for them to be touched? What types of touch do you want to try? What about your partner, how do they like to be touched, and where? Create your menu from there.”
As with any type of sexual or erotic contact, you should always discuss boundaries, consent, and safe sex practices. Remember, if the outercourse activities you’re engaging with involve genital touching or any contact with sexual fluids, you can still spread STIs.
Why is outercourse important for queer folks?
Though anyone can enjoy outercourse, it can be especially powerful for queer and trans people. First and foremost, the term is a way to name the type of sex that feels best to you and start a conversation about what feels right (and hot) for you and your partner(s).
Second, outercourse can be a framework to help you take a big step back, think about what you’ve been consciously and unconsciously taught about sex, what’s “normal,” and create your own road map for meaningful shared pleasure.
“By prioritizing, or at least normalizing, outercourse, it makes space for us to reconfigure the sexual scripts that many of us are handed early on. It allows us to prioritize experiences that bring us pleasure and fulfillment, rather than following the sexual behavior escalator to its ‘final destination,’” says Corrado. “And it allows us to take a much wider approach to our sexual decision-making, encouraging us to think about our and our partners’ bodies, boundaries, desires, and pleasures in a more expansive way than society may have initially taught us.”
Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect “It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.
Communication is the thing that matters most This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”
Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.
Think about what you want ahead of time “Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”
Switch off negativity “As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.
As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.
You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”
Age 25-35
It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”
Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm) Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”
You need to set the right conditions for sex Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.
You don’t have to have sex at all “Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”
Commitment and monogamy can be exciting “In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”
Age 35-45
It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities “When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”
Have a six-second kiss “Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.
Make sex a priority “Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”
Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”
Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.
Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too “It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”
Age 45-55
To cuddle or not to cuddle? Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”
Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it “Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”
Embrace body confidence “I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”
Manage the menopause Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”
Have a sex date “Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”
Learn how to reconnect “It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”
You’re never too old to experiment “We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”
Age 55-65
Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”
Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”
Manage dryness “One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”
Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.
Don’t take things for granted People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.
Age 65-plus
Don’t rush things “If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”
Make the wellness connection Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.
Seek medical help when needed Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”
Strive for connection “Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”
Welcome your sexuality “The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”
Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.
For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.
Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.
Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.
Is it the same thing as abstinence?
It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.
Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.
For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.
If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.
What counts as outercourse?
Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.
Outercourse might include any of the following:
Kissing
Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.
Massage
Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.
Dry humping
That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.
Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)
Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.
Sex toys (in some definitions)
There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.
For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.
Manual stimulation (in some definitions)
You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.
Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.
Oral sex (in some definitions)
Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.
Anal sex (in some definitions)
Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.
Is pregnancy possible?
No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.
It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.
Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.
Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.
Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.
If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.
But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.
Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.
Are STIs possible?
Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.
Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.
For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.
Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.
To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.
What’s the point?
Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?
Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.
Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.
Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:
You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
You want to understand your own body more.
You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.
The bottom line
It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.
But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.
Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.
Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.
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