For the past few years, mainstream society has been steadily moving toward a culture of sexual acceptance and pleasure celebration. While it’s great that wanting and having sex is becoming increasingly normalized, the idea of not wanting sex has started to become increasingly pathologized, which is not so great. In reality, both conditions can be true: People can naturally desire sex, and people can naturally have no interest in it. And equating sex with an instinctual “drive” doesn’t accurately capture that range.

To say that sex is not a drive, again, does not mean that people don’t naturally crave having it—because many of them do (more on how that works below). It just means that sex is not a drive in the way that a drive connotes an inherent human need for something. “Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water,” says gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist Christie Cobb, MD. And we all know, you won’t die without sex, however much you might want it.

“Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water.”
—Christie Cobb, MD, gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist

The strong degree of sexual yearning many people feel, though, may be the reason sex was first linked with the idea of a “drive”—back when sex was far more hush-hush than it is today, particularly outside the scope of marriage or for non-procreative reasons. “’Sex’ and ‘drive’ became associated in the late 1800s due to Sigmund Freud’s theory of infant sexuality, called ‘drive theory,’” says clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lori Lawrenz, PsyD. Generally, his concept of the development of libido (his term from a Latin word for desire and lust) included the idea of being driven to have sex, she says.

It is true that people are driven to have sex, in a colloquial sense, which is perhaps why the idea of a “sex drive” has become so popular in the zeitgeist. But, it’s crucial to clarify what someone means when they are talking of their sex drive, says Dr. Lawrenz. “Are they driven to have sex like they are driven to succeed at work?” she says. Because, in that case, drive might be an apt term.

Still, just as it’s normal to lack a drive to excel at work, it’s also normal to not have a “drive” for sex, which is why sexual “desire” is often a more accurate term than “drive.” “The desire for sex is a motivational system,” says Dr. Cobb, differentiating it from the physiological undertone of a “drive.” “With that motivation for sex often comes a reward, which reinforces the cycle.”

If sex is not a drive, then why are some people motivated to have it?

Sex can certainly be a natural desire, if not technically a drive. And generally, that occurs in two ways: spontaneous and responsive. The first is likely what you associate with libido or a sex “drive” that seems randomly (ahem, spontaneously) generated: It’s that feeling of horniness that makes you want to jump someone’s bones (or bring yourself to climax) for no apparent reason. Because libido has been widely depicted this way in pop culture, it’s easy to assume that this is the only “normal” way to experience sexual desire, and that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t typically or ever feel this random sexual fervor.

But in reality, the other type of desire—responsive desire—is not only just as valid, but also may be more common in folks with female sex organs. This refers to having a desire for sex in response to physical arousal or other motivations, like a yearning to be more intimate with a partner. And the simple fact that sexual desire is often only incited in this way, through external factors, is another key reason why sex is not inherently a drive.

Whereas “sex drive” also implies a constant motivating force, both spontaneous and responsive desire leave wiggle room for change over time—which is very common. Biological factors (like being pregnant, postpartum, or in perimenopause) can lead to fluctuations in sexual desire, as can cultural or societal norms around sex, the relationship you have with a sexual partner, and even lifestyle factors. Some such factors are known to lower libido, like feeling chronically stressed or being sleep-deprived, while others are known to raise libido, like exercising or masturbating regularly .

How the concept of a “sex drive” excludes people on the asexuality spectrum

Though a “drive” isn’t quite an accurate term to describe how and why people get turned on, it also implies that humans need to have sex, in the way that they need food or water. Not only is this inaccurate, but also, it erases the existence of a category of people who do not often or ever want sex.

“People who do not experience much if any sexual attraction may identify as asexual,” says Dr. Cobb. But, this doesn’t preclude people on the asexuality spectrum from having an interest in romance or intimacy. “Plenty of asexual people are in healthy committed relationships, but their attraction is just not sex-based,” she adds.

“There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.”
—Dr. Cobb

This is also not emblematic of an underlying sexual dysfunction, either, as the person who’s identifying as asexual does not experience any distress with regard to their lack of sexual desire. “An asexual person is accepting of their experience of being a person with minimal to no sexual desire,” says Dr. Lawrenz, “whereas someone with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, as characterized by the DSM-5, experiences it as a problem to not have the desire for sex.”

In the latter case, where a person is experiencing distress about the fact that they lack sexual desire, there are certainly treatment options, including sex therapy, psychotherapy, and medication, which can help rev up libido. But in the former case of simply on the asexuality spectrum, the issue is not a pathology and, in turn, does not need to be “treated,” says Dr. Cobb: “There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.” And if that’s you, know that you’re not lacking some sort of natural human “drive.”

The only reason why asexuality seems to be such an “abnormal” or pathological identity is because it comprises a very small percentage of the population, says Dr. Cobb, “so most people are living with different sexual expectations [than those of asexual people].” Given that many allosexual folks (aka people who do experience sexual desire) equate sex with romance and intimacy, it’s important for asexual people to communicate their needs and boundaries with any romantic partner in order to ensure that their expectations for having—and not having—sex are known and respected.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 20, 2022August 19, 2022

When One of You Doesn’t Want Sex

— Here’s What You Need to Be Talking About

By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST

When sex fades within a romantic relationship, many people think the relationship is doomed to failure, and that may lead to distress, confusion, or an appointment with a sex therapist. But the truth is, there are many healthy reasons a couple may stop having sex. It may be due to illness, a change in physical ability, or other shifts that have an impact on sexual functioning or pleasure (for example, pregnancy or menopause). It can also happen when stress gets in the way for one or both partners, other parts of the relationship are taking priority, or a major life transition, such as having kids or taking care of a parent, takes up time and energy. Or it may be that one or both partners are on the asexuality spectrum or just not currently interested in being sexual. All are valid reasons.

If both partners are satisfied and happy, there’s no issue. The problem comes when one or both partners are distressed by the status quo. When that’s the case, the best place to start is to have a vulnerable and curious conversation about how each of you is feeling.

How to talk about one partner not wanting sex

Is it your partner who’s not interested in sex? Ask if they’re open to exploring what might be getting in the way. The block may be something that’s temporary or fixable—in which case, be patient and allow your partner lots of grace as they navigate through it. Remember, no one should be pressured or coerced into having sex. If you can hold space for your partner to go through phases of not craving sex—whether due to stress, fatigue, or something else—you may be able to prevent a temporary sexual slump from becoming a much longer state of being.

If it’s you who are not interested in sex right now, that’s OK. You never owe your partner sex. Try to have the same sort of open conversation about what’s blocking you—and ask for and expect the same sort of grace and space. No matter which person has lost interest, it’s smart to get specific about boundaries. Often people use “sex” and “intercourse” interchangeably, so it’s important to clarify the forms of sexuality, intimacy, or touch that still feel good and accessible to both of you. Are you each open to kissing and cuddling? What about caressing other body parts?

Also discuss nonphysical activities that help you feel super connected. Do you like to go on long walks together? Have deep conversations? Go to concerts? Upping the frequency of these activities will help keep the romance alive and give you a menu of ways to reach out to each other when you’re craving closeness.

Deciding what to do about sex as a couple

If one partner feels that their lack of interest in sex is a permanent state, the other person needs to respect that. For some couples, the answer is a nonmonogamous or open relationship—but for this to work effectively, both partners must agree that this is what’s best.

What if your honest conversation reveals that one partner’s desire for the other person has faded? That’s a good time to talk to a couples therapist. In any case, you’ll each have to decide whether a lack of sex or a difference in desire is a deal-breaker for you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

August 13, 2022August 12, 2022

Living and Loving with Low Libido 

There are numerous approaches to targeting low libido to promote sexual wellness

“If you’re choosing not to participate in intimacy, make sure your decision doesn’t steal your partner’s choice about sexuality. Everyone has a right to enjoy and express sexual well-being without pain, coercion, guilt, blame or shame.”

By Linda Wheeling, MSN, FNP-C 

Recently I saw 65-year-old Loretta* for a “personal discussion” visit (*name changed). Loretta shared she lost her husband a year ago after an extended illness but now reported having a new gentleman friend and believed they would soon become intimate.

Loretta had never had a sexual partner besides her husband. She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to perform since her last sexual encounter was ten years ago. And while she accepted having low libido during her husband’s extended illness, she was now afraid that intercourse would not be enjoyable because of concerns with vaginal pain.

She had already been using estrogen cream to treat atrophic vaginitis (AV), which is vaginal thinning, dryness, and inflammation. AV is commonly experienced in post-menopausal women when the ovaries no longer produce estrogen. She said, “I know sex might hurt since my vagina is nothing like it was before menopause.”

A lifestyle that supports physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being is essential for everyone to enjoy optimal sexual health.

I first advised Loretta to schedule an annual female exam to ease her worries. Next, I educated her about medical-grade vaginal dilators that gently reopen the vaginal canal. I explained how to use the set of four dilators for 15-30 minutes daily until she was comfortable using the largest dilator.

Also, I advised her to continue using the prescription estrogen cream and informed her that sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are a definite risk for all age groups. I stressed the importance of using latex condoms for three months until she could be sure of her new partner’s sexual history.

I, too, instructed her to use personal lubrication to avoid discomfort during intercourse and told her to prevent urinary tract infections by emptying her bladder immediately after intercourse. Loretta thanked me for the information and said she would follow my recommendations moving ahead.

When she returned for her annual female exam, she had successfully used the largest dilator and reported that her love life was proceeding without further complications. Loretta’s compliance led to a successful reversal of her low libido.

Back to Low Libido

People choose to refrain from sex for multiple reasons. For example, emotional distress driven by the feeling of being stuck in a loveless relationship can lead to psychological withdrawal and damaged libido. Other individuals have an asexual lifestyle because they become widowed, divorced, or are in between relationships. Others opt out for religious or moral reasons or choose abstinence as their sexual orientation.

Indeed, reasons for low libido abound; both genders may have experienced sexual abuse earlier in life, leading to guilt, stress, and feelings of shame. Issues with body image and efforts to avoid judgment can also lead many to choose platonic relationships. One supportive resource is The Asexual Visibility & Education Network, a platform for all who claim to be asexual or question whether it is acceptable in today’s world to choose a lifestyle that excludes sexual activity, no matter the reason.

Intimacy Issues

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states that a lifestyle that supports physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being is essential for everyone to enjoy optimal sexual health. The CDC emphasizes that sexual pleasure requires a healthy attitude about intimate relationships and positive sexual encounters that allow both parties to feel secure. In contrast, unhealthy lifestyles consisting of a poor diet, lack of daily exercise, or being overweight inevitably lead to a decline in health.

Poor health precedes various medical conditions such as mental health disorders, heart disease, or diabetes. Long COVID complications are known to have the potential to damage a person’s sexual health. Each of these health disorders can damage the circulatory system in multiple organ systems. If chronic diseases are left unchecked, poor circulation will lead to shortness of breath during intimacy, erectile dysfunction, significant fatigue, or discouragement — all of which will lead to low libido.

When a non-sexual person surrenders to true romance, they must let go of all pressures to perform.

Both genders are affected by chronic illness in differing ways. Women often lose touch with their sexual prowess because of symptoms associated with perimenopause or menopause. Men of all ages can develop testosterone deficiency syndrome, which causes them to experience reduced libido and difficulties with erectile dysfunction.

These organic changes result in couple pause, the term used to describe inadequate sexual functioning inside relationships. When organic changes diminish either partner’s libidinal urges, sexual boredom occurs. Treatments must address the needs of both partners since the blame for low libido cannot be assigned to only one partner.

When it comes to orgasms or sexual arousal, some individuals might not experience either satisfactorily. Menopause often leads to Female Cognitive Arousal Disorder, which causes mental distress about never feeling aroused or having the physical desire to engage in sex. On the other hand, male partners can develop Lost Penis Syndrome (LPS), which causes a loss of penile sensation during intercourse. LPS leads to the inability to ejaculate, achieve orgasm or maintain an erection.

People can also develop low libido because of medication side effects. Many antidepressants, antipsychotics, prostate enlargement, and blood pressure medications commonly diminish desire. Yet, low libido should not be a reason to abruptly discontinue prescription medicines unless discussed with your primary health care provider.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

July 11, 2022July 11, 2022

How Your Libido Can Change in Your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and Beyond

By Erica Sloan

Feeling a sudden rush of sexiness, or even the urge to rip your (or someone else’s) clothes right off in sexual fervor might be what you associate with libido. And, to be fair, that seemingly animalistic tendency is on full display in pop culture depictions of sex. But in reality, this kind of sexual desire—called spontaneous desire—is just one type of libido. The other is responsive desire, which is the feeling of wanting to have sex that happens in response to physical arousal or other motivations, like a yearning to be more intimate with a partner. Even though libido is often perceived as something that should just happen naturally, both types are actually influenced by a whole set of social, environmental, and physical factors—many of which change by age.

To be clear, no matter what age you are, there’s no “normal” level of libido that you should be experiencing. “Libido is as dynamic as each person who experiences it,” says gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist Christie Cobb, MD. While society tends to overvalue the kind of spontaneous desire portrayed in movies, there’s “nothing wrong with your libido if you don’t naturally wake up every day wanting to seek out a sexual experience,” she says. On the flip side, if you do tend to feel the spontaneous desire to have sex on the regular, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that either.

“Libido is still not fully understood by sexual scientists, though we do know that it has relational, health-related, hormonal, and psychological components driving it.” —Laurie Mintz, PhD, sex therapist and psychologist

Largely, that’s because of the complexity of libido, says sex therapist and psychologist Laurie Mintz, PhD, sex expert at sex-toy retailer Lelo and author of Becoming Cliterate. “Libido is still not fully understood by sexual scientists, though we do know that it has relational, health-related, hormonal, and psychological components driving it,” she says. And many of these components are in our control. For example, things like chronic stress and lack of sleep have been shown to diminish libido, while masturbating and exercising regularly may increase it. (And those associations could apply to folks of any age.)

But because some of the key factors driving libido do tend to look similar in people of the same age (say, the libido-diminishing, child-rearing tasks typical for a person in their 30s or 40s, or the menopausal dip in hormones after that), libido often changes similarly by age, too. Below, experts share some of the scenarios that can influence libido at each decade of adulthood for people with uteruses, with the essential caveat that everyone’s sexual experience is unique and personal.

“Certain aspects of life could get you going, sexually, while other elements could pump your brakes, and this dual-control model of sexuality applies at any age or stage,” says Dr. Cobb. As a result, the following progression of libido by age mostly reflects generalized guideposts, within which there’s a lot of wiggle room for more or less sexual desire.

Here’s how libido may change by age for people with a uterus

In your 20’s:

Because this decade typically offers ample opportunities for sexual exploration, it’s often a time of heightened libido, says gynecologist Lyndsey Harper, MD, co-founder and chief medical officer at sexual wellness platform Rosy. “Thanks to higher levels of hormones and lower levels of responsibility, relatively speaking, many people experience a lot of sexual discovery, excitement, and desire in their 20s.”

That’s only amplified by the fact that in your 20s, you may have more sexual partners prior to potentially committing to one or a few. And the sparks-flying energy of new relationships can increase spontaneous desire, says Dr. Cobb.

It’s also the case that ovulation may boost libido, which could further contribute to a higher sex drive during these super biologically fertile years, says gynecologist Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD. For the same reason, being on hormonal contraception during this time could have the opposite effect on some people (although research is mixed on the subject). “When you’re on birth-control pills, you don’t ovulate or experience that spike in testosterone, which could, in turn, reduce libido,” says Dr. Hardwick-Smith.

Psychologically speaking, says Dr. Mintz, being anxious about getting pregnant or worried about your performance or appearance during sex acts—which could happen at any age, but may be more prevalent in your 20’s—could also lower your libido.

In your 30’s:

A bunch of life stressors typically come into play during this decade, from additional career pressures to child-bearing and -rearing demands. This mix just doesn’t typically mesh with a high libido, says Dr. Mintz. “Having a new baby or a young child on its own can be very emotionally and physically demanding, leaving you sleep-deprived or constantly caretaking, both of which create little opportunity for spontaneous desire,” she says.

To follow that baby thread one step further, it’s also possible that the hormonal changes of breastfeeding may reduce libido, too. “Typically, people who are breastfeeding have low levels of estrogen, which can create vaginal dryness and make sex painful,” says Dr. Hardwick-Smith. And that could, understandably, decrease a person’s interest in having it, in the first place.

“Sexual desire may become more responsive during this time, meaning that desire for sex may only be there after getting started in a sexual act.” —Lyndsey Harper, MD, gynecologist

Even if you don’t have kids during this decade, you might be having sex with a longer-term partner—which can make things feel less novel (and therefore less likely to spark spontaneous desire), says Dr. Harper. “As a result, sexual desire may become more responsive during this time, meaning that desire for sex may only be there after getting started in a sexual act or reading a sexy story, for example,” she says.

In your 40’s:

This decade typically coincides with perimenopause (and in some cases, menopause). As a result, hormone shifts can play a big role in diminishing libido by this age and stage, says Dr. Mintz. “Specifically, hormones like estrogen and progesterone begin to drop, which can lead to menopause symptoms like hot flashes, insomnia, and mood swings—all of which can shrink desire.” These hormonal changes often lead to vaginal dryness, which can cause pain with sex and lower libido, as noted above. (In this case, vaginal estrogen or hormone replacement therapy could be major game-changers.)

That said, your 40’s can also bring more time and resources to devote to yourself, says Dr. Cobb, particularly if you have children who are now leaving the nest and/or a more established career. The extra time available for personal sex-ploration could also reduce stress levels and improve body image—all of which can dial up spontaneous desire, too.

There’s also something to be said about becoming more comfortable in your own skin simply as a result of having lived in it for a while by this point in time. “With age often comes increased confidence in one’s self, a keener knowledge and comfort with what turns you on, and the ability to tell your partner what you need for pleasure and orgasm,” says Dr. Mintz.

In your 50’s and beyond:

Following the perimenopausal stage, people with uteruses usually hit menopause by their early 50’s—bringing with it a potential drop in libido. “By the time you’re in menopause, you’re no longer producing any estrogen or progesterone, and your testosterone levels are very, very low, all of which can dramatically affect sexual desire,” says Dr. Hardwick-Smith. “At the same time, as you age, you lose some blood flow to the clitoris, which may result in decreased sexual sensation and decreased ability to have an orgasm.” And without orgasm as easily in the picture, libido can diminish, too.

Around this phase of life, chronic health issues tend to be more prevalent, as well, says Dr. Cobb—the stress and management of which can potentially dampen libido, too. In this vein, if you’re having sex with a person who has a penis, you may also need to contend with their erectile dysfunction during this decade. “This can be a particular challenge if you experience mainly responsive desire [and tend to feel mentally aroused or interested in sex only after beginning a physical sex act],” says Dr. Cobb.

Even so, some folks also experience a feeling of sexual liberation during menopause, says Dr. Cobb. After all, this decade brings freedom from menstruation and the risk of pregnancy, which can boost spontaneous desire. As noted above, it’s also the case that you could feel even more comfortable in your own body and more confident communicating what you want during sex as you reach your 50’s, adds Dr. Mintz: “At this age, sex can become less goal-focused on intercourse and orgasm, and more focused on pleasure and connection and fun.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

July 5, 2022July 5, 2022

Low Sex Drive?

It’s Not You, It’s the “Sex Recession”

Why desire and hookups are trending downward and what we can do about it

By Sarah Laing

There’s a recession afoot. Not the looming financial one that rising inflation and a bear market seem to grimly foretell, but another one that’s even more obvious to anyone who’s in a monogamous relationship with a vibrator named Bunny, or whose most exciting recent sexual encounter was watching Normal People back in the first lockdown.

We are, apparently, in the midst of a “sex recession.”

It’s been brewing for a while. The advent of dating apps, a seeming lifting of many taboos and the sheer convenience of hooking up in the era of DMs and Snapchat make it seem as though sex should be at an all-time high. But as early as 2018, young people were having less sex than any generation before them, according to writer Kate Julian’s research for her 2018 story in The Atlantic that coined the term. Then, people in their early 20s were 2.5 times more likely to be abstinent than Gen X-ers at a similar age, according to psychology professor Jean M. Twinge’s research, and older adults’ intercourse index was also in the red, with the average adult in 2014 having sex 54 times a year, down from 62 in the late 1990s.

That was before social distancing put an effective stop to in-person meet cutes, and we all spent two years in a groundhog day of our pre-existing sexual and romantic circumstances. There was a vague hopefulness that there might be a sexual silver lining to COVID—shacked-up couples would grow more intimate after all that one-on-one time, or dating would be “better” after all that alleged personal growth we’d been through. But, alas, the research indicates the pandemic may have accelerated the downward trend. A Kinsey Institute study found that 75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine. As for singles, a February 2022 survey by the Pew Research Center found 64 per cent said dating has gotten harder, and 56 per cent said it wasn’t worth it and that they’re off the dating market, up 6 per cent from 2019. This will come as no surprise to anyone who suffered through the supreme awkwardness of a video first date.

75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine.

“There’s been a lot of stress, loss and grief during this time,” says Shan Boodram, an intimacy educator and podcaster. “Many people have been forced into self-isolation and had a lot of time to think about their desired outcomes when it comes to sex and dating. People aren’t rushing and see value in taking the time to be careful and figure out what they want from potential partners.” Boodram is dating app Bumble’s resident sex and relationship expert, and she points to its recent stats showing that 40 per cent of Canadians have “changed their approach to sex in the last year,” with 17 per cent indicating that means adding in more steps to screen sexual partners. (Vaccine passports: Not just for restaurants, it would seem.)

“‘Social distancing’ was the consistent slogan for the past two years; we were encouraged to keep a tight social circle, and we were told that being around new people could put the ones that are closest to us in danger. It’s apparent why many people aren’t racing into new sexual experiences,” says Boodram. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, she notes. “This reluctance may not come out of fear but out of empowerment. People are more intentional about their romantic lives, and we’re even finding that people have become comfortable being on their own.”

The sex recession may also be attributable to something much bigger at play, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. “Women partnered with men often have lower desire to be sexual with their men partners because of the ways heteronormativity pushes them and their men partners into a set of roles, cognitions and behaviours that are harmful and/or undermine the women’s desire,” says Dr. Sari Van Anders. She’s a professor of psychology, gender science and neuroscience at Queen’s University, and lead author of a recent paper about “the heteronormativity theory of low desire.”

Basically: The patriarchy is killing the vibe. Gender inequality’s consequences—women bear the the burden of housework, childcare and emotional labour; norms around men being the ones to initiate sex—make it much harder for a woman in a relationship with a man to desire sex with him. That’s not to say they’re not having sex, though, because as Van Anders points out, “people can have sex they don’t want, and want sex they’re not having.”

Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in relationship with a man.

One of the key gender norms the study points to is how “we are all taught to see sex as something men do to women, and/or something women do to please men.” This affects how sex gets initiated between a man and a woman. “Women are taught to respond to men’s sexual initiations but not to initiate sex themselves, and are often punished or stigmatized when they don’t follow these ‘rules,’” Van Anders says. “Think [of the] pejorative usages of ‘slut’ or ‘frigid.’” Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in a relationship with a man.

Note that the focus here is on heteronormativity, not heterosexual men, “because it’s about how that system impacts us all,” clarifies Van Anders. “Neither heterosexual men nor heterosexuality are problems. Heteronormativity and the costs it places especially on women are the issue.” She adds that “there are also costs for men, not least in having women partners who often don’t want to be sexual with them.”

Like Boodram, Van Anders emphasizes that having low or no sexual desire “is and can be an unproblematic part of people’s existences” despite the way society often pathologizes it. “It’s like, ‘How do we get these women to do more of the sex their men partners want!?’” she says. “Almost none of this concern is about, for example, women’s desire to masturbate. It’s all in the context of having low desire to have sex with men, which is telling!”

It is a problem, however, when low desire is a symptom of structural inequality. Van Anders and her co-authors have some suggestions for this—and they come in the form of tips for men who want to be sexual with women. First, pay attention to gender inequities in household labour. Second, don’t put your partner “in a position where they have to be your mother.” (Think: picking up your socks, remembering important appointments.) Third, do your part in supporting women to be “full humans,” and not just “sexy, good times.” Fourth, put her “sexual pleasure and agency front and centre.”

If you’re not sure where to start with prioritizing your own sexual pleasure and agency, it’s time to do some reflecting. “Take stock of your whole life today and see how you feel about it. Now, envision your life where sex plays more of a role in your experience—how does that vision make you feel?” Boodram suggests. “If it excites you, look for the next natural step to getting there. Maybe that’s masturbation; perhaps that’s simply downloading Bumble and leaving it at that. However, if you don’t feel ready to explore connections that may lead to a new sexual partner, that’s completely okay! Take all the time you need, and when you’re ready to experiment with sexual activities again, you’ll feel it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

June 19, 2022June 19, 2022

All About Arousal

By Eleanor Hadley

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are on totally different wavelengths when it comes to sex? Hands up who can relate to this? You get home, see your girlfriend curled up on the couch. You feel horny, so you go over and start laying on the moves. But she’s not up for it and shuts you down. Again. You feel rejected and sexually frustrated. Why doesn’t she want sex?

What if I told you that the issue isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t want sex at all, or that she isn’t into you anymore. But instead, it’s all about context. A fundamental mismatch in libido is really common in relationships where one partner seems to always be horny at the drop of a hat, but the other doesn’t feel that same pull. There are a lot of factors that can impact our level of arousal and our desire for sex, and most of them fall into whether we are actively turned on or turned off.

In my work with women, some of the biggest concerns they come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners. This all gets exacerbated of course if their male partner is pressuring them in any way, or making them feel like there’s something inherently wrong with them. They tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing or that there’s something wrong with them if they no longer feel like sex as much as they once did.

Understanding Arousal: The Car Analogy

Let’s think of our libido, our ‘sex drive’ like a car. We need a good balance between using the brakes and the accelerator, and it all depends on the situation as to which we need. Now, if we have our foot slammed on the brakes, no matter how much you rev the engine, the car won’t move, right? Similarly, the car won’t move by simply taking our foot off the brake without pressing down the accelerator. The same goes for arousal. In order for us to feel ready and excited for sex, we need to first take our foot off the brake, and then accelerate. Essentially, we need to turn off the things that turn us off and turn on the turn-ons.

Sounds simple right? Well, everyone’s brakes (what turns them off) and accelerators (what turns them on) are different. Not only do we all have unique and individual turn-ons and turn-offs, but the sensitivity of our brakes and accelerators will vary widely between people too. To have the best, most nourishing and pleasurable sex we can have, what we want to do is activate our accelerator AND deactivate our brakes. Let’s explore the difference between the two sexual arousal systems.

The Accelerator

The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your sexual accelerator or your turn-ons. It’s in constant pursuit of pleasure, working below the level of consciousness and scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli. It looks for things in your sensory world – what you can see, smell, taste, touch, hear – and sends a message to your brain (and sometimes your genitals) to turn on.

Possible turn-ons could be things like:

Mood lighting
Seeing a partner’s naked body
Feeling desired by their partner (without pressure)
The smell of your lover’s fragrance
Sexy music
Seeing your lover in their element
Certain types of touch (sexual and non-sexual)
Eye contact
Deep conversation
Sex Toys
Imagined scenarios

The Brakes

The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your sexual brake, or your turn-offs. This system is perpetually scanning your environment for possible threats and reasons not to be aroused because nobody wants a random boner at a family dinner, right? This system is incredibly important in our everyday life, but if our brakes are highly sensitive then they can hinder our sexual experience. This is why we want to do what we can to take our foot off the brakes when it comes time to get down. Our SIS can be split into two categories, internal and external.

Internal:

Body image insecurities
Performance anxiety
‘Meaning’ (eg: are we dating?)
Being up in your head
Feeling distracted or rushed
Feelings toward the person
Not feeling seen or appreciated
Social consequences

External:

Harsh lighting
Fear of being caught
Concern around lack of protection/catching an STI
Fear of unwanted pregnancy
Temperature in the room
Messy environment
Safety in general (physical AND emotional)
Inappropriate context (eg a family dinner)

So, to be in a state of arousal is essentially to be able to turn on the ONs, and turn off the OFFs. But of course, whether you’re turned on or off will depend largely on the context. Everyone’s accelerators and brakes are different and have different levels of sensitivity, but these lists might give you more of an understanding of what your own turn-ons and turn-offs are so that you can share them with your partner. And similarly, discover what theirs may be.

So, the next time you’re wanting to get it on with your lover – pause and consider what you each might need in order to release the brakes and rev the engine. Enjoy!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

June 16, 2022June 15, 2022

How to Get Through a Dry Spell in Your Relationship

It’s completely normal, but it’s also important that you address it with your partner.

By Brianne Hogan

Everything seems better at the beginning of a relationship, but especially the sex. Impromptu romps in the sack are the norm as you and your partner are excited to explore each other’s bodies. You’re never too tired or bored either—you’re almost always in the mood.

But now you’ve hit a drought. Maybe you’re stressed and busy or maybe you’ve hit a rough patch with your partner and your timing is off. Whatever the reason, the sex is infrequent or has stopped altogether. It could be a few weeks or a few months or even a few years. Yep, you’re in the middle of the dry spell. Now what?

“Dry spells are completely normal whether you’re in a relationship or single, whether intentional or not. There will always be times in your life and relationships where you want to take a break from sex and that’s completely OK,” Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist, tells Lifehacker. “It all boils down to how you choose to respond to it as an individual and as a couple.”

A lot of the shame attached to having a dry season comes from the social construct on how much sex we should be having rather than focusing on what is right for our current situation.

And although dry spells happen within all relationships, according to Moore, many couples ignore the signs and don’t take the time to understand why it’s happening and how to remedy the situation. “If you avoid the problem and distance yourself from your partner, you’re just making it harder for the both of you to figure out how you can get back into the game,” she says.

While dry spells are completely normal and are nothing to be ashamed about, if your dry spell is bothering you, Moore provides insight on how to break out of it.

What causes a dry spell in a relationship?

“Dry spells often happen after the ‘honeymoon’ phase in relationships. This phase varies from couple to couple, but usually, this ‘euphoric’ stage in the relationship lasts a couple of months to two years,” Moore explains.

Once this phase ends, Moore says, couples start to see their partners for who they truly are—their imperfections, quirks, etc. “Some get annoyed by them and leave their partners, while some choose to stay and accept their partners despite their flaws.”

But then, for some, a long-term partner can also turn into a constant presence that often doesn’t make them very sexy.

“They become a part of your routine to the point that sex gets boring,” she says. “Plus, it no longer becomes a priority with everything else happening in life, like a new job or kids.”

Factor in partners being taken for granted and couples dealing with many major issues in their lives including everything from demanding jobs to family problems to health issues, and sex taking a back seat is very common for many couples.

Why sex is important in relationships

Maybe you’re thinking that a dry spell isn’t a big deal; that you can do without sex so long as you and your partner are still committed and sharing a life together. So why is sex necessary in our relationships?

“Sex is a vital part of life. Any sexual activity (solo or with a partner) offers many benefits to the person’s overall health and well-being,” Moore says. “In relationships, having sex increases the levels of intimacy, trust, and love between partners.”

Aside from increasing each other’s confidence levels in bed, according to Moore, sex between partners also empower couples to open up and be vulnerable to each other.

“Having regular sex improves a couple’s ability to perceive and identify their partners’ emotions. As a result, couples become better at expressing their feelings toward not only each other but also other people.”

Additionally, when a person orgasms from sex, the process triggers the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which plays a vital role in creating a bond between partners.

Moreover, says Moore, most if not all couples feel more satisfied in their relationships when they can fulfill each other’s sexual desires. “Relationships tend to grow when partners can freely express themselves, as well as their sexual needs, desires, and even their fantasies.”

Figure out what’s causing the dry spell—and address it

First, you need to figure out why you’re not having sex as often or not having sex at all anymore. Dry spells happen for many reasons, ranging from minor problems (like being apart from your partner due to travel or job restrictions) to more serious ones (like trauma, health issues, or problems within the relationship).

“Taking a step back to assess the situation and identify the root cause makes it easier for all parties to understand the dry spell and remedy it,” Moore says, who suggests identifying and address these issues alone or with your partner. But either way, you must communicate to your partner next.

“I can’t stress the importance of being open with your partner enough. If you still haven’t learned the cause of your dry spell, you could discuss it and figure it out.”

If you have identified the potential cause, Moore says don’t wait for it to blow out of proportion without doing anything about it or talking about it. “Sharing your concerns and hearing what your partner has to say about them (and vice versa) may surprisingly resolve your dry spell issues. Moreover, communicating with your partner regularly helps you feel closer. Also, it relieves couples from talking to each other about anything—the good and the bad.”

So how do you broach such a subject? Moore cautions against starting the conversation with your partner if your emotions are high. “You’ll only end up saying hurtful things to them that you can’t take back and end up regretting.”

Also, try to avoid opening up this conversation when your partner just got home from work or is stressed because the conversation isn’t likely to be productive, and both of you will end up being more frustrated.

Once you find the best moment to talk to your partner, Moore recommends simply talking about how you feel without blaming or pointing fingers. “Don’t be afraid to say something in the present. Something like, ‘This has been a struggle for me.’ or ‘The past few weeks/months have really been hard for me because of…” And then express to your partner what you need right now. This approach allows couples to really express how they feel about the situation and with each other.”

It’s OK to take things slow

After having the dry spell conversation with your partner, Moore recommends taking things slow in the bedroom. “Don’t rush things, and don’t expect that you’ll immediately go from zero sex to five times a day.”

Instead, she suggests focusing on quality time and quality sex with your partner. “Make sure you have the right mindset, especially if lack of sleep, stress, or a demanding job is the root cause of the dry spell.”

What might also help reignite the spark is remembering how your courtship first started. “I’m talking about all the flirting and lovey-dovey things you did when you were still starting out as a couple (aka, the honeymoon phase),” Moore says. “Don’t be afraid to go back to basics. Go on a date, and make conversations. The touching part can always follow, as well as kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Savor the moment. Remember, each act shouldn’t always end up with sex. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable at the moment.”

If having sex feels right, Moore suggests initiating sex with words like, “Do you want to do something tonight?” or “do you want to play?”

Once things return to how they used to, Moore says don’t be afraid to experiment and explore different ways you can pleasure each other from time to time. “If you’ve reached this point in your relationship, you have to cultivate intimacy on a much deeper level. And by trying something new together, you’ll be surprising yourselves each time.”

Moore emphasizes it’s key to not expect that sex will be the same as it used to be when you started as a couple, because that can lead to disappointment for both of you.

“You have to remember that many things that have happened to you (or your partner) in the past contributed to the dry spell. Stress, lifestyle changes, and physical, emotional, and psychological factors are things you don’t easily resolve overnight. So again, take it slow and be patient with your partner.”

Moore says it’s important to focus on cultivating intimacy and a deeper connection with your partner without the pressure of making it all about sex all the time. “Do what’s comfortable for you at the moment. If you only feel like hugging or kissing one day, then feel free to do so. If you feel like doing it roughly the next day, so be it. And if you just feel like cuddling and talking about random things, do those, too. At the end of the day, it’s the bond you share with your partner that matters most.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

May 9, 2022May 8, 2022

A Decline In Sexual Desire May Signal Deeper Relationship Issues

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are so many potential reasons why sexual desire in a relationship may wane over time. You might fall into a sexual routine that fails to inspire much excitement, or you become parents and have little time or energy for anything outside of keeping the house running. Or maybe you just stop prioritizing sex altogether because other areas of life are taking precedence.

But recent research suggests there’s one factor that people don’t often consider—and this one can have significant implications for the relationship’s future.

Your perception of your partner may be changing in a bad way.

The link between sexual desire and partner perception.

In a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had a hunch that sexual desire plays a specific, unique role in the maintenance of relationships. Sexual desire, they hypothesized, “serves as a gut-level indicator of partner mate value that motivates investment in valued partners.”

That is, sexual desire is an instinctive barometer of how valuable you perceive your partner to be, which includes the extent to which they possess the qualities of a good partner, how invested you both are in the relationship, and how easily you think they could find a new partner if you weren’t in the picture.

Moreover, past studies have shown that people who have sexual desire for their romantic partner are also more likely to engage in behaviors that will help maintain and strengthen the relationship overall.

“Sexual desire for current partners thus apparently tends to spill over outside the bedroom, enhancing the willingness to employ strategies that allow individuals to get closer to their partners and improve their relationships,” the researchers write in the paper.

The researchers wanted to see if all these dots were in fact connected, with sexual desire being an indicator of seeing your partner as valuable and—because of that—a motivator to nurture the relationship. A decline in desire, in turn, would align with lower partner perception and declining investment.

Testing the role of sexual desire in relationships.

To test their theory, the team, led by Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Reichman University in Israel, conducted a series of experiments with a total of nearly 800 people in relationships (mostly college students, except for one experiment that included people up to age 60).

In one experiment, the researchers asked a batch of these romantically involved individuals to recall—in vivid detail—either an event in which they highly valued their partner or an event that made them value their partner less. Then, the participants were asked to rate their level of sexual desire for their partner and then to indicate how many spa treatments they wanted to transfer to their partner (out of five) in case of winning a lottery at the end of the experiment.

Partners who remembered a moment of highly valuing their partner experienced increased sexual desire for them, and those who had more sexual desire for their partner tended to gift them with more spa treatments.

In other experiments, the researchers actually tracked couples throughout their daily lives to see if these trends held true in real life. Over the course of six weeks (in one experiment) and then six months (in another), researchers asked both members of each couple to complete a daily or weekly diary recording their feelings about their partner and the relationship. They tracked their perceptions of their partner’s value as a partner (for example, rating their agreement with statements like “If my partner were single, he would have been romantically pursued by other individuals”), their desire to have sex with them (“I was very interested in having sex with my partner today”), and how positively they treated each other (“My partner behaved thoughtfully toward me today,” “I often put aside my own interests for the sake of my relationship with my partner,” and so on).

Consistently, the findings showed that, at times when a person perceived their partner as being more valuable, they also experienced more sexual desire for them. That increased desire, in turn, predicted a higher likelihood of doing things to nurture the relationship—including non-sexual things like being thoughtful toward the partner and making sacrifices for them.

What this means for relationships where desire is declining.

Past research has linked sexual satisfaction with relationship satisfaction; that is, when a couple is happy with their sex life, they tend to be happy with their relationship overall too.

This study by Birnbaum and her colleagues suggests that there’s a specific reason for this: Wanting to have sex with your S.O. is a manifestation of how positively you view them as a partner, and it’s a motivator to be more engaged in ensuring the relationship’s health.

“Reduced sexual desire, in contrast, may deny the relationship these benefits,” Birnbaum and her colleagues note. “Experiencing low sexual desire for one’s partner may stem from perceiving this partner to be less valuable as a mate, and second, may be translated into less investment in the relationship, which eventually might hurt the relationship and foretell its demise.”

Meaning: If you’re noticing you’re less sexually interested in your partner than you have been in the past, it may in part be because you’re valuing them less as a romantic partner in general. Your perception of them may be becoming more negative.

Viewing your partner through a negative lens has obvious destructive consequences in terms of how happy you are in your relationship and how you treat your partner accordingly.

Birnbaum and her team’s research shows that sexual desire is a mediating factor between valuing your partner less and disengaging from the relationship. In other words, it’s a bit of a canary in the coal mine situation: when desire for your partner declines, it may be a sign that overall investment in your partner is declining too.

What to do if you’re in this situation.

First of all, it’s important to again remember that sexual desire in a relationship can decrease for all sorts of reasons. You might have less interest in sex with your partner because of other issues in your relationship, stress, increased responsibilities in other parts of your life, or any other number of reasons.

“Perceived partner mate value is only one of the factors that may affect desire,” Birnbaum tells mbg. “Many psychological processes influence relationship quality and stability (e.g., interdependence, commitment, trust) and may contribute to decreases and increases in the level of sexual desire.” It’s also OK to not want sex from time to time, or at all.

That said, per this study’s findings, Birnbaum notes that declines in sexual desire in a long-term relationship may be driven, at least in part, by negative changes in perception of your partner’s mate value. “Such decreases are likely to be a prime factor in the well-documented decreases in relationship satisfaction that occur over time in marriage and other marital-like relationships,” she explains.

That means, if you notice you’re feeling less sexually interested in your partner than you have been in the past, it’s important to check in with yourself and your relationship to understand why that might be. Are your opinions about your partner overall changing? Is a negative bias beginning to cloud your view of them?

Maybe that doesn’t feel accurate to your situation. Or maybe it is.

The good news is, there are ways to build up positive regard for your partner again, if that’s what you want to do. “Make sure that you are paying attention to where your thoughts go,” licensed couples therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, recently told mbg. “While it is important to maintain a realistic understanding of our relationship—which does include having complaints and negative thoughts—we also need to make sure we are making room for the good things, noticing what we appreciate, love, and where our partner is doing things ‘right.’”

And as Birnbaum’s team write in their paper, working specifically on increasing sexual desire in your relationship again can also have a positive overall effect on the relationship by encouraging more investment and positive engagement with one another.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

April 8, 2022April 8, 2022

Men Have Low Sexual Desire, Too

By Gigi Engle

There is a common belief that cisgender female people enjoy sex less than men. Our social scripts dictate that a low desire for sex is entirely a cis-female problem. Cisgender male people, on the other hand, are expected to be insatiable sex machines, always down to get it on.

Here’s the tea, my curious folx: It’s not just a female problem.

We believe it’s important to note that our social conventions don’t take gender-fluid, non-binary, or transgender people into account because these conventions are driven by backward, heteronormative ideas. We’re not, in any way, trying to leave people out. Low desire can happen in literally anyone with any body parts.

This is an everyone-problem. Men and people with penises suffer from this bullshit script, too. If you’re expected to be this sex-crazed monster, you’re bound to feel messed up about it. “It can lead [cisgender men] to [feel] incredible shame, to questioning their masculinity and whether they are enough for their partner/s,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody.

Assigned male at birth (AMAB) people aren’t encouraged to be open about this because it isn’t acceptable for a cis-male person to have low desire.

Let’s separate the facts from the myths because we all deserve the amazing, vibrant sex lives we want. There’s no shame in the game.

Understanding the Complexity of Desire

Understanding low desire means understanding how desire actually works. Desire is born out of complex and interconnected bio-psycho-social factors. This refers to the subjective and universal experiences each person faces. They are different for everyone because everyone has different experiences, relationships, and biological factors that influence their lives.

Let’s strip down bio-psycho-social to its bones: Our desire, or lack thereof, is influenced by our biology: health, age, sexual anatomy, abilities, etc; our psychology (psycho): individual psychology, beliefs, values, and emotions; and social factors: cultural context, social context, and our relationships with other people.

Desire is rarely something that just “happens.” It is something that develops out of a complex, psychologically driven context. “Often your libido can be like the ‘canary in the coal mine’ of what is happening in your overall health and well-being and could be a sign that you are under severe stress or burnout,” Rowett says. “It can also happen for emotional reasons, like problems in the relationship, feeling frustrated and turned off by their partner, or past trauma that has not been resolved.” (For more information on how desire can be impacted by our minds, check out these articles here and here).

The idea that “male sexuality is seen as biologically driven, autonomous, spontaneous, [that] those with penises don’t have to do anything to get a hard-on” really does a massive disservice to AMAB people, Jordan Dixon, a clinical sex and relationships psychotherapist, tells TheBody. We need to do away with these harmful myths and be willing to openly embrace our vulnerabilities to find common ground.

Misinformation About Low Libido Can Be Harmful

The falsities around AMAB desire are seriously detrimental to everyone. We talk a lot about how society’s messaging messes with cisgender women, but this leaves cis-men confused and in the dark.

What’s more, cis-men are encouraged to hide their emotions and never talk about their struggles—which only further compounds this issue. If you can’t talk about how you’re being impacted by low desire because you’re not supposed to have it and not supposed to talk about it or seek help, you’re pretty screwed (and not in a good way).

Trying to simplify AMAB desire into the tiny box that sees male desire as “always on, raw, natural, and including rock-hard penises” is detrimental to everyone. It is “disempowering [to cisgender women] and pressur[es] men to act as unemotional machines, focused purely on their ‘performance,’” rather than the pleasure, Dixon tells us.

The shame cycle that this ignites will only add further stress to someone who experiences low desire. This will, in turn, lead to further exacerbating their low desire. If you don’t break out of this toxic cycle, you won’t be able to change it.

How to Handle Low Desire in a World That Loves Toxic Masculinity

“If you are a male and struggling with low desire, remember that you are not the only one, and it is far more common than you think,” Rowett says. Cisgender men feel alone, broken, and isolated because there are essentially zero cultural representations of low male desire in our toxic masculine world.

It’s not about solving low desire by focusing on how to “fix the penis.” It’s about understanding the whole human person in front of us, Dixon explains. “Difficult feelings or sensations may have valuable messages,” she says. We need to invite AMAB people to explore “the messages their penises are giving them.” Some realize that, in contrast to their own desire to be accommodating, their penises are angry at being expected to perform and want prior attention. By voicing their own needs and wants, AMAB people have an opportunity to heal their wounds and, in doing so, cultivate more desire.

Through clinically approved exercises such as self-focus, meditation, and mindfulness, clients can explore past sexual shame, damaging cultural messages, and personal roadblocks to their libido. If low libido negatively impacts your life, seeing a qualified sexologist, sex coach, or sex therapist can be hugely impactful. These are professionals whose job is to work with sexual blockages and help you have the sex life you want.

At the end of the day, the only way we can rid ourselves of the harmful lies that shackle us is through education and communication. We need to be willing to be radically vulnerable to be free from toxic masculine double standards. Talking about it, joining together, and finding our community can truly set us free.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

March 31, 2022March 30, 2022

How to Talk to Your Partner About Having More Sex

This is what the discussion should look like.

By Kelly Gonsalves

So, you’re in a relationship, and you want more sex than you’re currently having.

You wouldn’t be alone. One 2015 study that tracked couple’s desire found four in five people in relationships dealt with differing levels of sexual desire within a single month. Additionally, low desire and desire discrepancy are the most common sexual issues that come up in couples therapy. In other words, this issue is not rare. Of course, that doesn’t make the question of “how to ask for more sex?” any easier to address.

Everyone deserves to feel sexually satisfied, and for those in relationships, we know sexual satisfaction is interlinked with overall relationship satisfaction. So if this is something that’s on your mind, know that it is worth bringing it up to your partner. There are also ways to approach this conversation—and the mutual efforts that need to come after it—with a sense of camaraderie, care, and curiosity.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind if you want to ask for more sex.

1. Open a dialogue

So, you want to have sex more frequently. The first step is to directly bring it up to your partner. Let them know you’d like to set aside some dedicated time to have an open conversation about your sex life as a couple and how you’re both feeling about it. During this talk, tell them that you’ve been feeling interested in having sex more often, and ask them what they think about that.

They may very well be game, or you might learn about some barriers your partner is dealing with that’s making it harder for them to tap into their desires. Listen attentively, and consider how you can help them climb some of those barriers.

2. Approach the situation as a team.

When faced with an issue such as differing levels of sexual desire, couples often fall into the trap of seeing it as “you vs. me”. I want sex. He doesn’t. But when you view each other as representatives of opposing sides, you turn the issue into a power struggle that one of you has to “win” and one of you has to “lose.”

Instead, think of yourselves as teammates facing a shared challenge. And importantly, don’t make the goal be having sex a certain number of times per month. The goal should simply be to mutually invest the time and effort into co-creating a sex life that feels good for both people. Turn this part of your life into something you’re working on together.

3. Consider what can be improved for your partner.

Even though you’re the one bringing up a need, it’s important to consider your partner’s needs simultaneously.

Remember, sex is something people do solely because it’s fun and feels good. If sex isn’t that fun or doesn’t feel that good for someone, then it’s no surprise they wouldn’t be that interested in it. So, instead of How do I get this person to have more sex with me consider reframing the question as How do I help my partner enjoy sex more, so they’re as genuinely excited to have sex as I am?

Are there things that would make your shared sexual experiences more enjoyable for your partner? Are there things they want more or less of in bed? Are there things that they like that you haven’t done in a while? Ask your partner.

There may also be some negatives of having sex that are outweighing the positives, which need to be addressed. If you can’t fathom what the “negatives” of having sex are, that’s another good one to ask your partner about and see what they bring up. From body anxiety to physical pain to just the stress of losing out on some precious downtime, it’s important to understand what those downsides might be and how you can find ways to alleviate them together.

4. Learn about your partner’s experience of desire.

People may experience desire in different ways. Sometimes desire discrepancy isn’t about differing levels of desire (high vs. low) but rather different types of desire.

Some people have what’s known as spontaneous desire, wherein the desire to have sex can arise at any given time. Other people have what’s known as responsive desire, wherein the desire to have sex only arises after you’re already aroused or in a sexual situation.

In other words, a responsive person won’t ever really be randomly in the mood for sex; instead, there’s a certain set of contexts that, when in place, reliably put them in the mood. People who have the responsive model of desire are often under the impression that they just have a lower libido than others when in reality, they just experience desire in a specific way.

What set of circumstances, dynamics, and contexts help trigger your partner’s sexual desire or allow for your partner to more easily access their desire? What makes sex appealing to your partner in a given situation? What makes sex unappealing to your partner in a given situation?

5. Remove the pressure

It’s important to never pressure your partner into anything. They need to be happy to have sex with you, not coerced or guilted into doing so. If there’s ongoing tension or resentment whenever you try to initiate sex, that’s a sign that there needs to be another sit-down conversation about what’s going on. What’s setting your partner off, and what needs to change to help make them more comfortable?

For relationships between men and women, it can sometimes help to remove the pressure to always make sex have to lead to or involve intercourse. Have some sexual experiences that just involve some deep making out, heavy petting, or maybe some oral. Don’t worry about having an orgasm every time. Just focus on creating moments for intimacy, eroticism, and fun without the pressure of it having to lead to a specific act every time. This will help your partner feel like she can wade into the waters of a sexual experience without feeling pressured to “follow through” every time. And when you remove the pressure of orgasms or intercourse, you also open yourselves up to a whole array of new, interesting, and pleasurable sexual experiences.

6. Keep initiating

Remember that your needs and desires do matter, and you’re allowed to ask for what you want from your partner and from your relationship. Your partner is also allowed to say no. Allow both of yourselves to remove the guilt from these actions, and focus on finding how to arrive at a mutual yes more often.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

March 18, 2022March 17, 2022

Four key steps to reviving your sex life

By Jelena Kecmanovic

Early in the pandemic, many coupled patients in my therapy practice mentioned sex less than usual. It was crowded out by all the other existential concerns and emotional problems. But as the world starts to reopen and spring is in the air, their interest in sex — and concern about the pandemic’s effect on it — has picked up. “I wonder if we’ll ever have regular sex again,” “We got out of habit and I don’t know how to bring it up,” and “I just don’t feel sexy after all we’ve gone through — but I’d like to” are common laments I hear.

Research indicates sex has suffered during the past two years. A 2022 review of 22 studies, including 2,454 women and 3,765 men, found a decrease in sexual activity and higher rates of sexual dysfunction during the pandemic. Another review of research from 18 countries, conducted until April 2021, showed that women experienced lower sex frequency as well as a decline in sexual satisfaction.

Many factors have contributed to this compromised sexual functioning. Biological reasons include the facts that “people experienced more stress and fear, less exercise, worse diets, more drinking and smoking, and increased use of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications,” said Ian Kerner, relationship and sex therapist in New York City and the author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives.”

Furthermore, rates of anxiety, depression and relationship conflict, all of which adversely affect sex, have gone up during the pandemic. Gail Guttman, a relationship and sex therapist in the D.C. area, added that being stuck at home with a partner and kids and having no privacy also have contributed to worsening sexual functioning.

Research indicates that a robust sex life is associated with higher individual and couple well-being — and that can be especially important during stressful times. A January 2021 Italian study, for example, found that both women and men who had sex during the pandemic lockdown exhibited lower depression and anxiety.

With infection rates falling, mask mandates lifting and experts designing road maps that will hopefully leave the pandemic in our rearview mirrors, now seems like a good time for couples to reinvigorate their sex lives. “There is an opportunity here to not just get back to normal, but to improve things in creative ways,” said David Ley, a psychologist and sex therapist in Albuquerque. This seems especially important given that the frequency of intercourse and other partnered sexual activities was falling even before the pandemic.

Here are steps that Ley and others recommended to help couples find their way back to each other physically.

Decide together that sex is important

If a couple wants to rekindle their sex life, it needs to be a mutual decision, followed by action. “People might think things will just get better on their own. But we need to prioritize sex if we want to see a change,” said Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health within psychology at the University of Southampton, in the United Kingdom.

How do you prioritize sex? First, assess whether your relationship’s level of trust and goodwill toward each other provides a safe base for rekindling sex. “Being able to unite and together work on improving your sex life, instead of seeing it as ‘me vs. you’ problem, is a good start,” said Ley.

Then, make space for sex in your life, working together to identify and overcome barriers. Some couples might discover that helping each other lower stress or reduce fatigue — perhaps with a reallocation or reprioritization of responsibilities — is what’s needed. Others might find that reviving their emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for being physically intimate; one way to do that is to take turns answering the 36 questions in this study that were shown to increase closeness.

What is particularly important is to let go of any presumptions about your libido, the way sex is supposed to go or what will constitute sexual intimacy on any given night. Expectations that you’ll feel burning desire, experience fireworks in bed and achieve simultaneous orgasms — ideas typically fueled by unrealistic media portrayals — often backfire, as sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski details in “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” It is interesting that a significant number of older people report having satisfying sex lives because they learned to let go of assumptions and accept their bodies.

“You should replace sexual desire with willingness to show up and go through the motions which are pleasant for both of you, and might get you in the mood,” said Kerner. “Just being truly present goes a long way.”

Talk about sex

There is a paradox in our society: Sex is seemingly everywhere, all the time — in shows, videos, podcasts, magazines and ads, among other places — but couples at home avoid conversations about it. Many of my patients express high anxiety about the thought of bringing up anything pertaining to sex when talking with their partners, especially if they anticipate any disagreement. Mirroring my observations, a 2017 study found that couples feel much more anxious before conflictual conversations related to sex compared with other subjects.

Other research suggests that individuals in relationships also are reluctant to engage in sexual self-disclosure. “There is so much discomfort, shame, and fear of rejection that stops people from talking about sex,” said Ley. “And yet, the only way to improve your sex life is by discussing what optimal sex looks like for you and what’s standing in the way of achieving it. Sexual goals, preferences, fantasies and differences in desire levels can be all communicated and negotiated with empathy and kindness.”

Graham explained that sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction and that “there is a reciprocal relationship between sexual communication and desire.” So heed the advice of the 1990 song by Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”: “Don’t be coy, avoid, or make void the topic / Cause that ain’t gonna stop it.” If you find yourself at a loss about how to broach the subject, any collection of sexually intimate questions — which can be found on relationship and wedding sites, and even Oprah.com — could give you some ideas. Be mindful to tailor your disclosures and questions to yourself and your partner.

Ignore the myth of spontaneity

Another cultural script that hurts our sex lives is the idea that — if you love each other — desire should appear out of nowhere, leading to hot, spontaneous sex. It turns out that only about 15 percent of women experience so-called spontaneous desire (the percentage is higher in men), and the rest have desire that is responsive to context, such as erotic materials, a sexy whisper or sensual smells. Imagining such things can increase desire, too.

So, there is nothing wrong with planning sex. “People are resistant to sex dates, but I remind them that sex was actually never completely spontaneous,” said Guttman. “When you were dating and thinking sex might happen, you’d put on nicer underwear.”

Kerner suggests picking a night to have sex, and then “living the whole day in a pro-sex way.” Imagination is your limit to what this could look like.

Increase novelty and play (not just in the bedroom)

Imagination is also crucial when it comes to brainstorming and engaging in activities with a partner in a way that broadens your sense of self and perspective of the world. Novel, surprising, and challenging activities have been shown to enhance sexual desire and satisfaction. So, be creative and join a Mediterranean cooking class together, learn to dance salsa or act like tourists in your own city.

After two years in raggedy leisure clothes, with limited interactions with the outside world, even dressing up and going out for a nice dinner (maybe in a new restaurant with a cuisine you’ve never tasted before) will feel adventurous and exciting. Even better if you make it a surprise.

If you want an additional boost in libido, try activities that get your and your partner’s heart-rate pumping. Hiking, biking, running or roller-coasters could do the trick

The common theme here is to allow yourself and your partner to step out of a goal-oriented, “responsible citizen” role for a bit. “The main advice I would give is: Play!” said Guttman. “Whether you go to a bar and pretend that you’re meeting for the first time, or you go on a little adventure to a sex toy store, in-person or online, what matters is being playful and laughing with your partner.”

Finally, “you can experiment with things that can enhance arousal,” said Kerner. “Pick [sexual] scenarios you think your partner would like and suggest them. You’ll be surprised how often they appreciate that. Or together enjoy some erotic literature, sexy podcast or steamy Netflix show.”

Now is our chance to rekindle passion and create better sex lives than before the pandemic. “Sex therapists all over the country that I supervise are noticing a sexual parallel to the Great Resignation,” said Ley. “There’s an explosion of interest in trying new ways of relating to each other and re-sparking.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

March 15, 2022March 14, 2022

Just Thinking Differently About Sexual Compatibility May Help a Dry Spell

By MIKE MCRAE

Psychologists have investigated two contrasting beliefs about the nature of sexual satisfaction, to find out which is more likely to help couples better navigate sexual compatibility.

Desire for sex with a new love interest typically starts strong and then wanes over time. Priorities rearrange, small incompatibilities become big ones, and the energy that comes with new relationships can be replaced by other virtues.

For some, a desire to maintain sexual intimacy requires a growth mindset that invests in an ongoing effort to overcome these challenges.

Others are more fatalistic, believing it primarily takes natural compatibility to keep the chemistry alive.

When it comes to overcoming sexual differences, the consequences of each belief have been investigated in the past, but their impact on our ability to negotiate relationships when the loss of sex gives way to depression and anxiety has not been fully appreciated.

So, a small group of psychologists from around the world carried out a longitudinal study on 97 couples where a female partner was diagnosed with significantly low levels of desire and arousal, to find how the partners’ beliefs correlated with changes in their sexual wellbeing.

Couples completed a baseline survey at the start of the study, and a follow-up one year later. After a few break-ups and non-completion of surveys were taken into account, the team had full data from 66 couples on things like sexual desire, frequency, conflict, and satisfaction, as well as incomplete data from 6 couples where only one partner submitted the follow-up survey.

Comparing the statistics revealed a few things about how we deal with sexual struggles as a relationship progresses. The researchers labelled the two beliefs “sexual growth belief” (it takes work) and “sexual destiny belief” (it’s natural compatibility).

For example, among the women with a diagnosis of low sexual desire – clinically referred to as Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD) – a view that sexual satisfaction is all about natural chemistry was initially correlated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher conflict.

It was no picnic for their partner either. If they held similar beliefs, they too reported lower satisfaction in their relationship.

Among those with FSIAD who held sexual growth beliefs, sexual desire was a touch higher. Yet for their partners, desire was low, at least compared with partners in the group who believed sexual desire was more destined than designed.

Interestingly, that year seemed to make some difference. Whatever those initial beliefs were, the couples who completed the study generally experienced improvements in their sexual desire.

Partners with FSIAD were noting a significant improvement in desire and lower levels of depression, even though barely one in ten were seeking treatment.

This is good news, implying couples who have reason to stick it out will more than likely go through periods of improved sexual desire.

Overall, the results hint that having a growth mindset when it comes to sex could help a couple work through dry spells. Having a view that chemistry is key, on the other hand, initially adds to the stress and might even compound it by building a sense of helplessness.

“The findings demonstrate that in most cases, sexual destiny beliefs are associated with lower sexual, relationship, and personal well-being when coping with the women’s low desire, whereas sexual growth beliefs are linked to better well-being,” the authors conclude.

As is so often the case with psychology research, there’s a bunch of caveats and contexts to keep in mind.

Over 77 percent of the couples studied, for example, were in mixed-sex relationships and identified as straight (the sample did also include bisexual participants and people with other sexual orientations); most were married or living together, restricting the outcomes to couples who were relatively domestic. They also had to have been in a committed relationship with their partner for at least six months.

Most importantly, the research focused on female partners who were chronically distressed by a loss of sexual appetite.

That doesn’t mean there’s no sage advice for the rest of us. With this in mind, the research could help many couples to focus not just on the practicalities, but their beliefs about sex and compatibility, when it comes to finding ways to deal with changes in their sex lives.

“Sexual growth and destiny beliefs may be important to the sexual narratives that people hold about compatibility with their partner, and also their understanding of their agency in coping with a sexual difficulty to mitigate distress,” the authors write.

This research was published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

March 13, 2022

Help! How Do I Get My Sex Drive Back?

Advice on how to restore a decline in sexual desire.

By Christina Caron

Q: Are there any proven treatments for low libido in women?

“Proven” is a strong word — and one that makes scientists squeamish. But it is safe to say that there is “very strong evidence” for increasing sexual desire through certain types of psychological interventions like cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness meditation, said Lori A. Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver and a renowned expert in women’s sexual health.

When it comes to medications, however, it’s a different story.

In recent years, two new medications for women with low libido have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, “though their efficacy is marginally better than a placebo,” said Dr. Stacy Tessler Lindau, a gynecologist at the University of Chicago Medicine and the creator of WomanLab, a website about sexual health.

These drugs, flibanserin (a pill) and bremelanotide (an injection that is self-administered about 40 minutes before sexual activity), were approved for the “very small subset of women” who are premenopausal, have low libidos and do not have any identifiable physical, mental or relationship problems, Dr. Lindau said. “They may have modest benefit, but they also come with side effects and cost,” she added. “So far, insurance coverage has been limited.”

In the end, the most beneficial solution will depend on the reason you are experiencing low libido and why you consider your libido to be a problem.

Talk to a doctor to rule out any new health problems.

For older women, loss of estrogen during menopause is commonly associated with a change in libido because it can cause vaginal dryness and tightness that can make intercourse painful. Some women also find it more difficult to get aroused. And when menopause is accompanied by hot flashes and night sweats, that can make sex seem less appealing too.

Untreated conditions like depression and anxiety can also be problematic for libido. However, some medications, including certain antidepressants, have been shown to negatively affect sexual desire, arousal and orgasm. So it’s best to speak to your doctor about all of the available options.

Certain medical procedures may also lower libido, for example if a woman had her ovaries removed or her estrogen blocked to treat cancer.

“When possible, replacing estrogen can be a helpful adjunct to addressing low libido in some women,” Dr. Lindau said, as can lubricants, exercise and speaking with a therapist.

The hormone testosterone may also improve sexual function in postmenopausal women who are distressed by a chronic loss of interest in sex, but there is limited data on its safety and effectiveness.

Oftentimes, problems with libido are not purely physical. Stress is one of the most common reasons a woman’s sex drive plummets, the experts said. Low libido also can stem from energy and sleep issues, body image, relationship quality, gender inequities and other concerns.

“I would encourage people complaining of low desire and those who hear the complaints to think about all the influences that exist on desire, including and beyond inside bodies,” said Sari van Anders, a professor who studies sexuality and testosterone at Queen’s University in Ontario. “Desire does not just come from a drive within our bodies, it reflects and responds to all sorts of life and societal situations.”

An journal article written last year by Dr. van Anders, Dr. Brotto and others suggested that four factors, each influenced by societal expectations of women, contribute to the low sexual desire experienced by women in heterosexual relationships. They are inequitable divisions of household labor, the tendency for women to take on a caregiver-mother role with their male partners, an emphasis on a woman’s appearance over her own sexual pleasure — which can make her own feelings of desire contingent upon her perceived desirability — and gender norms that influence which partner initiates sex. For example, women are not typically socialized to initiate sex or prioritize their own pleasure, and they may feel uncomfortable experiencing or initiating pleasure unrelated to penetrative intercourse.

The paper also noted that “low desire” might mean different things to different people. Some people want sex more than others, and it is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate over the years. The experts suggest asking yourself: Are you dissatisfied with the amount of sex that you crave? If so, why?

“Low erotic desire is not a problem in and of itself unless and until partners, health professionals, media and/or culture make it into one,” Dr. van Anders said. “A promising way forward is to consider that low desire itself may reflect a problem, for those who aren’t asexual, rather than be a problem in and of itself.”

For example, some women may be concerned not about their own lack of desire but about a mismatch between their libido and a partner’s higher libido.

“If their discrepant desire is creating a problem for the relationship, then a couples sex therapy approach is warranted,” Dr. Brotto said.

If therapy is not possible — perhaps you cannot find a therapist with openings or one who is affordable — then Dr. Brotto suggested having a conversation with your partner about planning to have sex during times when the person with lower desire feels most ready to do so, and increasing the amount of sexual activities that do not involve penetration. These activities may be more likely to provide pleasure to the person who has less desire.

And here’s another thing to keep in mind: Feeling like you’re not in the mood doesn’t necessarily mean that you have less desire or that your level of desire is somehow insufficient. Not everyone experiences desire, then arousal. Some people need to be aroused first to experience desire.

“Libido has historically been equated with spontaneous sexual desire — that feeling of wanting sex that happens out of the blue,” Dr. Brotto said. “It is far less common than responsive desire — the kind of desire that is present after a sexual encounter begins.”

If you tend to feel physical arousal first and mental desire second, don’t just wait for the sudden urge to have sex.

Instead, set aside time to be intimate and prepare to put yourself in the right mind-set to connect physically with your partner. This might involve taking time out of your day to think about sex, masturbating, listening to a musical playlist that makes you feel sexual or watching a movie that arouses you.

Talk with your partner about the different types of desire (spontaneous versus responsive) and the specific things that help you get in the mood. That way, your partner will also be thinking about how to help you build feelings of desire rather than just jumping right into it. The more you understand and respond to each other’s needs, the better your sex life will become.

Finally, being mindful — a practice that helps you remember to return to the present when you become distracted — can be especially helpful when you are thinking about sex or engaging in sexual activity.

“Cultivating attention to the present moment is really important for the brain-body connection that gives way to sexual response,” Dr. Brotto said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

March 1, 2022March 1, 2022

What to know about mismatched sex drives

People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences

by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

Every couple experiences situations where one person’s sexual needs do not align with their partner’s. These situations are called sexual interdependence dilemmas.

Mismatched sex drives, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD), is the most common of these situations.

A 2017 study even found that around 34% of women and 15% of men report having no interest in sex at all.

This article explores mismatched sex drives, what causes the issue, how it can affect relationships, and what couples can do to manage the situation.

Sex drive is the motivation or desire to behave sexually or engage in sexual activities.

Also called libido, sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies from person to person. There is no such thing as a normal sex drive. People’s interest in and desire for sex is different and may change over time.

Sex drive mismatch is when one person experiences more or less sexual desire compared with their partner.

Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of sexual desire in her book.

Spontaneous sexual desire

As the name implies, this form of desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. This desire supports the linear view of sexuality that begins with desire, followed by excitement, finally leading to orgasm.

Nagoski states that around 70% of men have this type of sexual desire while only about 10–20% of women do.

Responsive sexual desire

Some people experience desire as a response to mental or physical stimulation, not from the anticipation of it. Compared with spontaneous desire, responsive sexual desire is more deliberate.

It occurs after an external stimulus, such as watching a kissing scene on television or a partner touching them. This causes a person to feel a desire for sex.

People’s sex drives tend to wax and wane. Many factors can affect sex drive.

Medical factors

Conditions that affect a person’s hormones, including pregnancy and menopause, can cause changes in a female’s libido.

Similarly, males produce less testosterone as they age, which can cause a decline in their sex drives.

Some may have conditions that indirectly affect libido, such as depression. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is when a person lacks the desire or motivation to have sex.

Taking certain medications such as beta-blockers and antidepressants can also negatively affect a person’s libido.

Aside from medical reasons, other factors can affect a sex drive of a person in a long-term relationship, as outlined in a 2018 systematic reviewTrusted Source.

Individual factors

These are factors that reside within the person that can affect sex drive. The following may cause sex drive to change over time:

level of attraction
understanding among couples that sexual desires fluctuate
feelings of having a separate identity from the couple’s identity
self-esteem and confidence

Stress and fatigue may negatively impact sex drives.

Interpersonal factors

These are factors that exist within the context of long-term relationships. They include:

the couple’s responsiveness to each other
perceived compatibility
communication
relationship satisfaction

The 2018 reviewTrusted Source also mentioned that sexual desire decreases as the relationship lengthens, but this was only true for women. Emotional intimacy also increases desire, and higher levels of intimacy reduce the likelihood of having low desire.

Monotony and being overfamiliar with a partner dampen sexual desire.

Societal factors

These are societal influences that affect a couple’s sexual desire. These include gender expectations, expectations for couples to participate equally in the relationship, and sexual attitudes that people may consider taboo.

When people do not address mismatched sex drives, it may lead to an unpleasant relationship dynamic.

Partners with high sex drives who repeatedly experience rejection may develop low self-esteem and resentment toward their partners, while the people with low sex drives may feel guilty, overwhelmed, and pressured.

A 2015 study suggests that sex drive discrepancy negatively affects sexual and relational satisfaction. However, these outcomes might be more pronounced in people in long-term relationships compared with those in short-term ones.

Low sexual satisfaction seems to have a compounding effect on overall satisfaction. While high sexual satisfaction reported by couples contributes to 15–20%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction, reports of low sexual satisfaction in couples contribute to 50–70%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction.

Couples can consider several tips and strategies to reduce the discrepancy and improve their sex lives.

Be comfortable talking about sex

While sex can be a sensitive subject, especially when there is a mismatch in libido, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue.

Be understanding

Even if a partner does not understand the other person’s experience or situation, showing empathy through validation, listening, and withholding judgment can help couples navigate the mismatch better.

Having a safe space where couples can freely talk about their differences without being critical or defensive can help rekindle the spark.

Make compromises

Sometimes, some people are just not as sexual as their partners. A person with low libido can meet their partner halfway by still engaging in sex despite having a low sex drive.

A 2015 study found that partners with high communal strength or those who are motivated to care about and be more responsive to their partners reported enhanced sexual and relationship satisfaction.

However, couples willing to compromise are not restricted to sex. They can also consider alternatives.

In a 2020 studyTrusted Source on couples’ strategies for dealing with differences in sexual desire, masturbation is the most common strategy reported by participants.

Other alternatives to penetrative sex include oral sex, manual stimulation, and using sex toys on each other. Couples can also engage in activities that may trigger desire, such as watching intimate movies together.

Redefine sex

Many couples think that sex is limited to penetration.

However, oral sex and mutual masturbation are alternatives to penetration that couples can enjoy.

Schedule it

Life is hectic. Scheduling sex can help couples plan and work around their schedules, so there are no competing demands to worry about.

Planning sex can help map out the best time when both people have the most energy. It can also help build anticipation and ensure that both are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready for sex.

Set the tone

While sexual intercourse lasts only for a few minutes, the events beforehand are just as important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything else that happens before sex is part of foreplay.

Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of their whole day can help people’s bodies prepare for sexual pleasure.

Driving a partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving them compliments are just some of the things couples can do to set the mood.

Certified therapists and counselors can help people and couples manage mismatched libidos.

Couples can locate a certified counselor or therapist near them through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists’ (AASECT) referral directory.

Alternatively, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists has over 15,000 marriage and family therapists for married couples who require help with their relationships.

Couples may also try online platforms such as ReGain to seek couples counseling.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

February 17, 2022February 17, 2022

Not in the mood?

Study reveals how couples communicate when desire is low

by Blake Eligh

A new study from U of T Mississauga pulls back the covers to reveal how couples communicate when it comes to sex and desire.

The study by psychology researcher Rebecca Horne, co-authored with colleagues at UTM, York University and Carleton University, looks at how romantic partners regulate expression of sexual desire, and what effect these tactics have on relationship well-being.

A Vanier Scholar and Ph.D. researcher, Horne studies how couples resolve conflicts of interest through sacrifice, when one person gives up their own self-interest or desires for a partner, and what effect this has on the relationship.

Her ongoing work is a longitudinal study of the sacrifices couples make when relocating for the sake of a partner’s job. But, as Horne notes, partners make sacrifices for each other every day, including during our most intimate moments.

“The domain of sex is a primary area where couples can have these conflicts, and where sacrificing might be really important, especially because it’s a sensitive and vulnerable context for a lot of people,” Horne says.

According to Horne, regulating expression of desire is one form of sacrifice that we may make for our romantic partners.

“Romantic partners often regulate their emotions and affection to achieve certain goals, but we wanted to know more about how partners regulate their expression of sexual desire during sex and its implications for couples’ well-being,” she says.

Horne notes that we might regulate our emotions to achieve goals in everyday social interactions, like smiling at an annoying boss for the sake of workplace harmony or job retention.

In a romantic relationship, this could take the form of expressing fondness and warmth to a partner that’s not really in line with what we’re feeling in the moment, or hiding feelings of sexual disinterest from a partner or pretending to be more into a sexual experience than we really are.

These tactics might be employed to smooth over the kind of momentary blips in desire caused by a bad day at work, fatigue or distraction in the moment.

“These are ways that we modify our self-interest, presumably for the benefits of our partner,” Horne says, noting that research shows this happens as much as three times a week in a typical romantic relationship.

“We may think we are interacting authentically with our partners, but we do these regulatory strategies in subtle ways.”

But, as Horne notes, the result is a disconnect between what we are feeling inside, and what we are showing on the outside.

Dialing up desire, dampening disinterest

For the study, the researchers surveyed 225 couples, most in heterosexual long-term romantic relationships, to track the link between regulation of desire and relationship satisfaction. Respondents kept individual 21-day diaries that tracked intimate relations, levels of desire and individual feelings of well-being and satisfaction.

The results showed people engaged in two kinds of primary regulatory tactics when desire was low: amplification of desire and suppression of disinterest.

Amplifying desire is about exaggeration to cover for low interest in sex. That could take the form of erotic talk, caresses or even faking an orgasm.

Suppression of disinterest is another common tactic, employed when a partner hides the fact that they’re not really interested in the experience, either in the moment or overall.

Horne says that a partner may conceal that they have lost interest during sex if they are fatigued or distracted, or if their partner isn’t attending to their sexual needs in the moment.

“When we use these strategies, we’re trying to change the way that we express emotion or desire to somebody after that emotion or desire has already been elicited,” Horne says. “These strategies can be really challenging because there’s a tension between what we’re feeling inside and what we’re showing when we’re not interested.”

Regulation and authenticity

“Not all sexual regulation strategies are created equal,” Horne says. “Even though they both involve altering expression of desire to our partner, they differ in outcome.”

Sexual authenticity appears to be the driver here. Those who employed these tactics reported feeling sexually inauthentic, which predicted lower satisfaction, both sexually and in the relationship.

“We found that there are drawbacks to these behaviors,” Horne says. “Our work suggests that both partners feel less satisfied with their sex lives on days when one partner amplified or exaggerated expressions of desire.”

The story is a little bit different for suppression tactics.

Those who hid their lack of desire reported feeling sexually inauthentic and detached from their own satisfaction, but it wasn’t always detrimental for their partners, who may have been convinced they were interested and engaged in the moment.

While suppressing disinterest can lead to in a partner’s higher satisfaction, it can undermine one’s own feelings of satisfaction.

“These things happen during sex, and they have implications for our satisfaction,” she says. “When we regulate these displays, it feels sexually inauthentic.”

Honest and clear communication

While all respondents reported engaging in regulation tactics occasionally, Horne says it’s important to notice if it becomes part of a pattern.

Being attuned to our partners while balancing our own sexual needs can circumvent the conflicts that might lead to regulation strategies, and can amp up relationship satisfaction for both partners.

“If things aren’t feeling right during sex, you could try to reroute, or have an open conversation about the things you like and don’t like,” Horne advixes.

“Honest and clear sexual communication is really important, and seems to have more benefits for partner satisfaction.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

“Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water.” —Christie Cobb, MD, gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist

If sex is not a drive, then why are some people motivated to have it?

How the concept of a “sex drive” excludes people on the asexuality spectrum

“There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.” —Dr. Cobb

— Here’s What You Need to Be Talking About

How to talk about one partner not wanting sex

Deciding what to do about sex as a couple

There are numerous approaches to targeting low libido to promote sexual wellness

Back to Low Libido

Intimacy Issues

“Libido is still not fully understood by sexual scientists, though we do know that it has relational, health-related, hormonal, and psychological components driving it.” —Laurie Mintz, PhD, sex therapist and psychologist

Here’s how libido may change by age for people with a uterus

In your 20’s:

In your 30’s:

“Sexual desire may become more responsive during this time, meaning that desire for sex may only be there after getting started in a sexual act.” —Lyndsey Harper, MD, gynecologist

In your 40’s:

In your 50’s and beyond:

It’s Not You, It’s the “Sex Recession”

Why desire and hookups are trending downward and what we can do about it

75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine.

Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in relationship with a man.

Understanding Arousal: The Car Analogy

The Accelerator

The Brakes

It’s completely normal, but it’s also important that you address it with your partner.

What causes a dry spell in a relationship?

Why sex is important in relationships

Figure out what’s causing the dry spell—and address it

It’s OK to take things slow

The link between sexual desire and partner perception.

Testing the role of sexual desire in relationships.

What this means for relationships where desire is declining.

What to do if you’re in this situation.

Understanding the Complexity of Desire

Misinformation About Low Libido Can Be Harmful

How to Handle Low Desire in a World That Loves Toxic Masculinity

This is what the discussion should look like.

1. Open a dialogue

2. Approach the situation as a team.

3. Consider what can be improved for your partner.

4. Learn about your partner’s experience of desire.

5. Remove the pressure

6. Keep initiating

Decide together that sex is important

Talk about sex

Ignore the myth of spontaneity

Increase novelty and play (not just in the bedroom)

Advice on how to restore a decline in sexual desire.

People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences

Spontaneous sexual desire

Responsive sexual desire

Medical factors

Individual factors

Interpersonal factors

Societal factors

Be comfortable talking about sex

Be understanding

Make compromises

Redefine sex

Schedule it

Set the tone

Study reveals how couples communicate when desire is low

“Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water.”
—Christie Cobb, MD, gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist

“There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.”
—Dr. Cobb