Category: COVID 19

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Are Sex Breaks the New Lunch Break?

In these WFH times, experts say a midday quickie can actually boost focus and productivity while lowering stress levels.

By Allison Hope

It’s no secret that working from home is taking its toll. We’re feeling sluggish and overwhelmed, and, in many cases, trying not to lose our shit at our partners while trapped in a small space.

But some have found a new method of busting stress and boosting pleasure during these times: Workday sex breaks. After all, why reserve sex for nighttime when there’s no office to commute home from?

“I highly recommend skipping lunch and having sex instead,” says Kelly N., 25, from Bristol, England, who works in marketing. She says she’s been enjoying sex one to two times a day with her live-in partner to break up the workday since COVID hit. “It really transforms your working day and helps you find some separation if you’re cooped up and working from home,” she says.

Kelly is far from alone in squeezing sex in between Zoom calls.

Kate, 27, who lives in Indianapolis and runs a sex toy and advice website with her husband, has workday sex once a week with hubby and once a week by herself. “There’s something that I love about having just been on a conference call, then having sex with my husband, and going back to work with none of my coworkers knowing the secretive fun I just had on my lunch break. There’s something that feels sneaky about workday sex and it’s part of my sexuality to enjoy that,” she says.

Sex during the workday can also be a solution to end-of-the-day exhaustion that sucks some of the fun out of it. Fatima T., 31, from Florida, says that daily sex with her husband during the day is just easier. Shifting work schedules and kids make nighttime sex less plausible, plus, “I’ve noticed things go a lot smoother when I’ve had sex with my husband during the day. I’m more focused on tasks as well,” she says.

Workday sexcapades are not an anomaly. In fact, even before COVID-19 hit, roughly one out of every five work-from-homers were dipping into lunchbreak sex. And that number has likely skyrocketed: Pre-pandemic, just 4% of us worked from home; now, it’s about a third of Americans.

Michigan-based sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW, says an increase in daytime sex is an emerging trend with her clients and colleagues since COVID forced us home. “But this is taking many forms; it’s not just married couples having a midday quickie. I’m also hearing a lot more about masturbation happening during the workday — occasionally even during meetings, when one is listening in but muted/off-screen,” she says. (More later on why that’s not the greatest idea.)

Goerlich is also seeing frustrations from people who had to sever their in-office affairs when work-from-home became the norm. “This pandemic has resulted both in significantly more sexual activity ‘in the workplace’ as well as a somewhat ironic decrease in office rendezvous as well,” she says.

But workday sex during COVID isn’t just a welcome distraction from the hum-drum of conference calls and a pandemic. It’s also a way to boost productivity and work performance, whether you’re pushing numbers, words, or crafting code for a living.

“Orgasm can relax you, allow you to think clearer and boost your mood for the day,” says certified sexologist Shan Boodram.

Ro Sanchez, 45, an intimacy coach based in Ohio, engages in sexual activities during the workday daily virtually via chat, sexting, and videos. “I can honestly say that having sex during the workday enhances both my productivity and mental health,” she says. “After work sex, I am more assertive and confident which helps come across in my Zoom meetings, pitch presentations, and consults. It’s easier to focus on my goals for the day mainly because of the stress and anxiety relief as an instant result from the release of endorphins.”

The health benefits of having sex aren’t just happenstance; they are well documented. “Sex is a mood lifter. It relieves stress, boosts immunity, and helps foster a deeper sense of intimacy in relationships,” says ob-gyn Alyse Kelly-Jones, M.D., of Novant Health Women’s Sexual Health & Wellness in Charlotte, North Carolina.

If you are going to engage, just be sure to plan scheduled breaks. Embrace the old-school concept of the lunch hour quickie, rather than engaging in sexual activity while you are officially ‘on the clock’, says Goerlich. She also recommends some common-sense guidelines to live by if you are engaging in workday shenanigans to mitigate the potential risk of getting caught with your pants down.

First up: Don’t masturbate during meetings (that would still meet the definition of sexual harassment were you to be caught) and don’t send explicit messages/photos through company-owned technology. Bottom line: Better safe than sorry seems to be the mantra when it comes to safe workday sex practices.

Brooklyn-based columnist Zach Zane doesn’t care if his employees have sex on the clock. “I see no reason why it would be an issue as long as you’re getting your work done and don’t take that much time having workday sex. Your breaktime is your time. You can spend 20 minutes masturbating or you can spend 20 minutes scrolling through Instagram. There really is no difference. (Besides, I’d argue scrolling through Instagram is mental masturbation.),” he says.

Lanae St. John, a board-certified sexologist based in San Francisco who previously worked in HR, agrees that employers shouldn’t have any reason to go after employees who opt for coitus over coffee breaks. “Folks take smoke breaks and feel zero guilt for that. Sex is a much healthier habit than smoking. All the employer really cares about is that customers are taken care of professionally and tasks are done on time.” (Of course, you’re asking for trouble if you brag about your workday sexcapades to your coworkers on Slack. Just don’t do it.)

Sex during the workday may last as long as the pandemic does, or perhaps it’s an uptick in a new reflex that’s here to stay as more people work from home long-term. While not without some risks, it seems a slice of workday sex — either with a partner or yourself — could bring more good than harm.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 Ways Non-Monogamous People Are Dealing With the Pandemic

Communication, communication, communication.

By Gabrielle Smith

So. This pandemic thing sucks. We’ve been asked to sacrifice a lot for our personal safety and the collective good, like shrinking down our IRL social circles and quieting our social calendars. But that’s okay! It’s clearly all for a very important reason. Even so, there’s no denying the many impacts the pandemic has had on our romantic relationships. Sure, people are finding ways to deal. Some are doing virtual date nights. Another potential solution is to shack up with a partner—but what do you do when you have more than one?

I’m polyamorous, falling under the incredibly wide umbrella of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). As a solo-polyamorous person, I choose not to live with any partners or exert innate hierarchies in my relationships (meaning I don’t rank my partners as primary, secondary, etc.). Like many others, I was isolated from my partner at the beginning of the pandemic. I can assure you, it wasn’t fun. Now, five months after the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic, non-monogamous folks are still figuring out how to navigate this new way of life.

Within that attempt to adapt, non-monogamous folks are running into alternative difficulties, some that folks who date monogamously don’t really have to worry about. So how are non-monogamous folks dealing in these unprecedented times? Here’s how various people in the ENM community are dealing with some of the many challenges COVID-19 has created:

1. We’re now discussing COVID-19 concerns as part of our normal safety precautions.

Discussion about safety and risk, especially around transmittable diseases, isn’t new to the ENM community. Research has found that compared to monogamous folk, ethically non-monogamous people tend to be more likely to be responsible concerning condom usage and STI screening. And we talk about it with each other: When it comes to fluid bonding with new partners (meaning, having unprotected sex), explicit boundaries, communication, and STI testing are all very important.

So it’s no surprise that for many of us, our communication now extends to COVID-19 risk behaviors. On top of everything we typically take into consideration when seeing our partners and introducing new ones, now everyone has to consider who they’re breathing on. Just as we ask questions like, “How many partners have you had recently?” or “Are you engaging in risky sexual activity?” we’re now also asking questions like, “Okay, exactly how many people are you around in the average week?” or “Are you following best practices to prevent the spread of the coronavirus?”

Admittedly, it can feel more intrusive than usual, but it’s worth it. “It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable being the one asking very thorough questions regarding safety and social distancing, but I’d rather be safe than sorry,” Sharon R., 26, from Long Island, tells SELF. “The way someone responds to me tells me a lot about them. It can help me decide whether we might be a good match or not.”

2. Some folks are forming poly-bubbles.

Just like some folks formed “quarantine pods” to still see important loved ones while otherwise practicing social distancing, some polyamorous people are negotiating how to keep up with multiple partnerships via poly-bubbles. Those who already practiced “kitchen table” polyamory—where partners and metamours (your lover’s lover) are all friendly and spend time together—are particularly well-suited for this.

I ended up forming a poly-bubble of sorts with my polycule, simply because it made sense for us logistically. With a collective understanding of each individual’s boundaries, we make sure to address what we jokingly call “the committee” before making moves that may put others at risk. Our rules are mostly to lower exposure: wearing masks when we are in public, riding in car shares with the windows open, and requiring new partners to get COVID-19 tested before swapping spit, just to name a few examples.

3. Many are feeling the emotional toll of supporting multiple partners.

Obviously, life has changed drastically for many of us. With that comes immense emotional turmoil. Those with multiple partners may find themselves acting as a pillar of support for each and every partner. It’s hard to sustain. “For someone who already plays a compassionate role, there’s a lot of compassion fatigue,” Alex V., a 34-year-old, from New York, tells SELF. “The way I cope is to remind myself and others that this is only temporary. Some people have a hard time seeing through the day-to-day and find it stifling or tiresome. Feeling isolated plays with your feelings.”

4. We’ve had to recalibrate our relationships in response to COVID-19.

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced a lot of us to have difficult conversations about our partnerships. Incompatible lifestyles, at-risk activity, and different levels of vulnerability to the disease are keeping partners apart, even as testing becomes more readily available in some areas. Some of these conversations are revealing hierarchies within previously equal relationships. For example, partners might start to feel more or less prioritized thanks to the logistics of the pandemic. This fact has even caused some couples to split because they never agreed to hierarchical terms, like the couples writer Zachary Zane explored in this piece for NewNowNext.

That said, one of the nice things about non-monogamy is that relationships can be fluid more easily. It’s not uncommon for relationships to transition from serious to casual, or from romantic to platonic. Some people are putting their relationships “on the shelf” until the pandemic is over, or choosing to stay digital because they have different lifestyles despite proximity.

5. Folks are getting creative due to long-term separation.

Abiding by quarantine and social distancing is pretty much a hallmark of pandemic relationship struggles. As SELF previously reported, some polyamorous people who are quarantined with their partners are facing some logistical challenges. “I’m quarantined with my primary partner in a studio apartment, so maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend who lives elsewhere has been awkward,” Wendy X., 26, from Charleston, told SELF. “Normally we’d go out together or meet at her place, and I don’t want to make my partner sit through my FaceTime dates. So for now, we mostly text and talk on G-Chat, and video call when my partner is in the shower or at the store.”

Established partners aren’t the only ones dealing with logistical troubles, either. Dorita L., a 26-year-old from Ottawa, tells SELF that she began seeing a new partner after the pandemic began. Because her partner is immunocompromised, they had to be extra careful. “We found creative ways to date, get to know each other, and even have some fun all while maintaining social and physical distance,” she says. “[For] our first ‘romantic date’ we chose a restaurant, then each called said restaurant to order a meal for the other person without disclosing what we ordered. Our food arrived around the same time so we could share the meal together [on video chat]. It was fun to surprise each other with our meal choices and a good way to learn more about each other’s likes and dislikes.”

6. Many are putting emotional connection in the front seat.

Since it’s currently unwise to partake in hook-up culture like some of us are used to, emotional connections are flourishing. “I met one of my current partners right before our state shut down in March, so most of our dating has been done virtually,” Chloe T., a 26-year-old from Salt Lake City, tells SELF. “It was really fascinating to see how much we got to connect emotionally when direct physical intimacy wasn’t an option. Thankfully, I’ve been able to meet up with them in person a small number of times since. But having those several months in the beginning of pure emotional connection was one of the coolest polyamorous experiences I’ve had in a while.”

7. We’re asking new questions while cohabitating for pandemic purposes.

Plenty of people made the choice to move in with their partners early in the pandemic rather than face extended separation. For some, it’s required a lot of self-reflection. Ferris S., 25, from Cincinnati, has been cohabitating with their immunocompromised partner due to the pandemic and has started wondering what it means for the future of how they practice polyamory.

“I have been thinking about what it will be like when my partner and I go back to not living together and fear that we may have become semi-codependent throughout this time and will have a hard transition back to being strictly solo-poly,” they tell SELF. “I think there may be a part of me that wants to move in with him [long-term] because of how well we work together and how nice it has been, but I don’t know if I am ready to tackle that part of the jealous side of me. Like if we were bringing partners home to stay the night, would we have separate rooms? Or [would we] stay at other peoples’ houses? I also don’t know if that’s even a good idea. Just because something works doesn’t mean it’s right.”

8. More of us are connecting in online polyam communities.

Not only is this great for social distancing needs, but it’s also helping people find polyam communities who otherwise might have had a harder time. For example, cities are often hotspots for the alternative, so naturally, polyamorous communities are easy to find within them. If you live in New York or San Francisco, it’s simple to find an event like Poly Cocktails to mingle with like-minded individuals. But there’s considerably less access to free love in, say, rural areas.

However, now that online events have become the norm, non-monogamous folks from all over can come together—in whatever manner they like. More salacious members-only clubs like NSFW and Playscapes have been offering virtual play parties, offering members the opportunity to watch and share various sex acts.

9. Unsurprisingly, communication is still paramount for poly people.

This is always true for ethical non-monogamy and many of us are leaning hard on our skills. That said, just because we have practice doesn’t mean we’re not struggling, too. “Regardless of relationship structure, we’re all feeling a bit more vulnerable right now and a bit more uncertain about the future,” Morgan K., 33-year-old polyamory relationship coach from Berlin, tells SELF.

Luckily, Morgan has some advice for anyone dealing with the challenges on this list and beyond. “If we want our relationships to survive, proactive communication is a must,” she says. “We have to tell the people we love how we feel, what we’re scared about, and what we need. This is not the time to shrink, to make assumptions, or to hope they can read our minds. When radical honesty is part of our daily lives, it helps us stay solution-oriented. It offers relief and healing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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LGBTQI+ populations face unique challenges during pandemic

Global conversations about the impact of the pandemic on gender equality have left out sexual and gender minorities. COVID-19 is a threat multiplier.

By Yvonne Su, Yuriko Cowper-Smith, Tyler Valiquette

As global leaders begin to recognize the inequalities that are being exposed as a result of COVID-19, it is important to consider who is included and who is excluded when we talk about gender. An analysis of the global conversation thus far reveals that the gender dimensions of COVID-19 and the push for gender equality during the recovery phase have largely only focused on how the pandemic has and will continue to disproportionately impact women and girls.

However, gender and sexual minorities are rarely included in discussions about vulnerable populations, and global responses have largely failed to consider the unique needs and challenges that LGBTQI+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex) populations face. This disappearance of sexual and gender minorities from international discourse is significant because research has shown that LGBTQI+ people are particularly vulnerable to crises like a pandemic.

The United Nations (UN), International Labour Organization, World Bank, Doctors Without Borders and UNICEF have all put out various statements and reports on the impact of COVID-19 on gender equality, but their focus is concentrated solely on women and girls. While some organizations, such as Care International and the Pan American Health Organization, add LGBTQI+ people to their list of vulnerable groups, only a few have addressed LGBTQI+ rights head on in some of their publications: UN Women, Oxfam Canada and the United Nations Human Rights Office of the High Commissioner.

While publications by international organizations and NGOs advocate for a better understanding of the effects of COVID-19 on gender equality, the sidelining of LGBTQI+ concerns makes it more difficult for organizations to advocate for enhanced protections during the pandemic.

In order to understand the gendered-impacts of COVID-19 beyond women, we draw on findings from a case study of Venezuelan LGBTQI+ asylum seekers in Brazil, an epicentre of the pandemic. As of July 23, 2020, there have been at least 2,227,514 cases of COVID-19 in Brazil and 82,771 deaths. Our analysis of 23 interviews with Venezuelan LGBTQI+ asylum-seekers, politicians and workers in non-governmental organizations and UN staff, shows that asylum seekers are experiencing increasing violence, transphobia and xenophobia in Brazil during the pandemic.

Venezuelan LGBQTI+ asylum seekers in Brazil

Since 2015, more than 5 million people have fled violence, persecution and economic ruin in Venezuela and 264,000 people have applied for asylum in Brazil. Among them, LGBTQI+ asylum seekers are commonly directed to the only LGBTQI refugee centre in Brazil, Casa Miga. Run by volunteers and supported by a national LGBTQI+ charity, Casa Miga was already under-resourced and over-stretched prior to the pandemic. But with COVID-19, myriad inequities that disproportionately affect the physical, mental and financial well-being of LGBTQI+ people have overwhelmed the centre’s capacity and increased the risk of gender-based violence and abuse against its resident asylum seekers.

With limited local, national or international focus on the challenges faced by LGBTQI+ people as well as refugee populations, the shelter’s staff and its residents feel hopeless, ignored and disempowered in their fight against the COVID-19.

Asylum seekers at Casa Miga experienced homophobic, transphobic and xenophobic violence in Brazil prior to the onset of the pandemic. Many asylum seekers referenced experiences of discrimination while at work or while searching for employment, in public or in interactions with the police.

Asylum seekers recounted experiences of having homophobic slurs hurled at them, being assaulted by locals and being both physically harmed and dismissed by the police. One asylum seeker had a near-death experience after he was left alone in the Amazonian rainforest following a mugging by a group of men. In the most egregious example, one of the asylum seekers had his jaw broken by two police officers in Manaus. The violence faced by trans-asylum seekers is further notable. A trans asylum seeker shared that she was assaulted while working as a sex worker, and that when she reported her attack to the police, she thought the officers did not care to investigate because she was both trans and Venezuelan. Beyond this one incident, all asylum seekers interviewed claimed to have faced LGBTQI+ based violence and xenophobia while living in Brazil.

COVID-19 acted as a threat multiplier

The threat and danger of contracting COVID-19 is very real for the asylum seekers. A resident of Casa Miga was infected with the virus in May 2020. In addition, the refugee shelter is located in Manaus, the city with the highest mortality rate of any Brazilian capital city. With over 100 people dying daily in April and being buried in mass graves in Manaus, the city’s mayor, Arthur Virgílio who recently contracted COVID-19, pleaded for urgent international help. As one asylum seeker shared: “It has impacted me gravely. I am in a constant state of fear. I don’t know when this is going to end. I know people who have become sick and who have died from this. Manaus is very badly hit by the pandemic. I will continue taking the precautions and keeping my distance from people, but despite these actions, the fear continues.”

The asylum seekers face both the fear of contracting COVID-19 and false narratives propagated by fake news stories on social media claiming they are spreading the virus. These allegations caused the asylum seekers to be even more worried about their safety and less likely to leave the shelter.

The economic stability and mental health of the asylum seekers also suffered as a result of the pandemic. Those asylum seekers who had been able to find informal work such as sex work and selling crafts, were left financially destitute when their work was banned. When the pandemic began, many asylum seekers were cut off from their monthly allowances from the government. It took over a month from the time of the cut off for Brazil to institute their Auxilio Emergencial (emergency fund) but many asylum seekers were unable to benefit from it due to the documentation and resources required (such as a cell phone) for access. As one asylum seeker shared: “It is impossible to sustain a job now and I can afford nothing for myself.”

Meanwhile, the settlement process has been temporarily halted, spurred on by the closure of the main refugee determination centre in Manaus. All of these factors compound the stress around asylum seekers’ tenuous positions in Brazil. These interruptions, lack of resources and access to services such as health care, have left asylum seekers feeling desperate and in limbo.

When governments fumble, vulnerable people suffer

Despite success in handling previous public health crises, the Brazilian government was completely underprepared for COVID-19. The administration has so far failed to provide any leadership on how to tackle this pandemic, choosing to focus on the supposed economic health of the country over the well-being of its own citizens. With the administration turning a blind eye to its own citizens, asylum seekers and the centres that care for them were largely left abandoned to manage on their own.

All the politicians interviewed stated that the government does not recognize distinct vulnerable groups within the larger refugee population in their policies, or when formulating Brazil’s strategy to respond to refugee flows and COVID-19. Without financial resources from the government, international organizations, or NGOs, Casa Miga is barely operational, relying on volunteers and local, haphazard and unpredictable donations.

When international actors blend LGBTQI+ considerations into other gender-based discussions, the ability of LGBTQI+ people and organizations to appeal for support during the pandemic is greatly limited. Facing increased violence and challenges during COVID-19, LGBTQI+ asylum seekers need more protection but are often unable to advocate for themselves.

Ultimately, when asylum seekers face increased violence based on their gender identity and sexuality, the reporting and response by the international humanitarian community, including Canada’s, must include their voices and considerations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cybersex, erotic tech and virtual intimacy are on the rise during COVID-19


Preliminary research has found that people are increasingly incorporating new behaviours — including technology-based ones — into their sex lives during the coronavirus

By , &

The coronavirus pandemic is affecting sexuality and relationships. The confinement and social distancing measures protecting us are unintentionally exacerbating intimacy-related difficulties and limiting people’s access to partners.

For some, COVID-19 is synonymous with loneliness and relationship stress. Many people end up choosing between intimacy and security. Singles looking for partners resign to celibacy, while couples experience tensions related to forced isolation.

But creativity loves adversity.

In the face of a global pandemic, we are finding new, innovative and safe ways to (re)connect intimately and sexually through technology.

As researchers studying erobotics, a field intersecting sexuality and technology, we are interested in how human-machine erotic interactions can contribute to well-being — even in times of worldwide health crisis.

Sex in the time of coronavirus

The COVID-19 lockdown and social distancing measures are impacting human life. Paradoxically, these protective measures also generate unintended stressors. For example, illness-related anxiety, heightened grief of losing a loved one, loneliness, domestic violence and financial stress.

When it comes to sex and relationships, the pandemic is creating a situation where people are either living in close proximity (possibly with partners, children or other family members) or are limited in their opportunities to find partners for prolonged periods of time. These circumstances can directly impact our intimacy.

A recent online survey found that a majority of participants in a sample of 1,559 adults reported a decline in the quality of their sex lives (43.5 per cent) during the COVID-19 pandemic, while only a minority reported improvements (13.6 per cent). Interestingly, however, despite people reporting a decrease in the frequency of sexual behaviours compared to the past year, one in five individuals (20.3 per cent) added at least one new activity to their sex life, such as a new sexual position, incorporating pornography or engaging in cybersex. Compared to people who made no change, those who spiced things up were more likely to report improvements in their sex life since the beginning of the pandemic.

Additionally, preliminary evidence from another study suggests that believing that a partner is caring and understanding, can partly shield against some of the impact of COVID-19 stressors on the relationship.

Sex tips for the pandemic

Suggestions for safer sex during COVID-19 have been proposed. These include: hand-washing; limiting sexual activities to partners who are part of the household; using physical barriers such as masks, condoms and dental dams; creatively enacting positions that reduce risks of transmission and masturbating.

As the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene says: “You are your safest sex partner.”

This same department also suggests taking a break from in-person dates and instead trying virtual dating, sexting and kinky “Zoom parties.”

Necessity is the mother of invention, and this is particularly true of technology. Including a suggestion like the video-conferencing platform Zoom is telling. The integration of social and interactive technologies in work and relationships accelerates exponentially with confinement.

COVID-19 and sex technologies

Sex tech is more than sex toys or objects used for sexual stimulation. It is a billion-dollar industry that builds a wide range of products for interactive, immersive and connected erotic experiences. This includes but is not limited to: virtual, augmented and mixed reality, “teledildonics,” dating applications and platforms, online erotic games and artificial erotic agents (or erobots) such as sex robots, virtual partners or erotic chatbots.

Sex tech is perhaps one of the only industries resilient to pandemics. The sale of sex toys skyrocketed, companies have reported an increase in sex and love doll purchases and sex-tech startups are thriving. While numbers from the private sector should be interpreted with caution, COVID-19 is affecting how we explore intimacy with ourselves and others.

Sex tech is a safer way to fulfill our sexual and emotional needs in times of lockdown and social distancing. It offers innovative and inclusive ways to erotically engage with humans and machines that can address our desires for sexual pleasure and also cater to our needs for affection and companionship. Sex tech could help alleviate the suffering borne out of solitude or forced celibacy and let us keep touch with our loved ones while we wait for the storm to pass.

In sum, the pandemic could be a chance for us to become a bit more “digisexual,” or sexually oriented towards technology.

Beyond the pandemic

Historically, societies are deeply transformed by great pandemics. COVID-19 is no exception, with a renewed interest for remote work — and the adoption of new erotic behaviours. As such, we can realistically expect that norms and practices regarding love and sex may open up as we are currently exposed to a diverse range of more positive and safe intimate technological possibilities.

Several studies assessing the impact of the COVID-19 crisis on human intimacy are currently seeking responses.

Whether this will lead to enduring change remains unknown. We should take full advantage of the connectivity established by technology to extend the boundaries of love and sex, now and for the future.

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Sex and Dating During Coronavirus

– From Masks to Kissing, a Guide to Your Risks

By Carly Severn

Let’s get this straight: during the COVID-19 pandemic, there is no “safe way” to have sex with someone you don’t live with.

But humans are humans, and we know some folks will still make the choice to get physically intimate with other people, despite the presence of a highly contagious disease in our midst. So we asked for your anonymous questions, and created this guide to sex and dating during the coronavirus pandemic.

Because there’s no 100%-safe way to date or have sex outside your household right now, you’ll see the super-unsexy — yet super-important — phrase “harm reduction strategies” throughout this guide. That’s because when it comes to engaging in social and physical intimacy, it’s all about weighing your risk factors, assessing them against the risk factors of the person (or people) you’d like to have sex with and doing everything you can to further reduce the potential harm.

We’ve consulted with these sex and health experts:

  • Stephanie Cohen, medical director of San Francisco City Clinic
  • Nenna Joiner, owner of Oakland sex store Feelmore and former adult filmmaker
  • Julia Feldman, Bay Area sex educator and consultant at Giving the Talk

  • What bodily fluids can carry COVID-19?

    So many aspects of the coronavirus remain mysterious to scientists, and that includes the full scope of COVID-19’s relationship with sex. But here’s what we do know.

    If someone has COVID-19, they can transmit the virus via particles in:

    • Their saliva
    • Their mucus
    • Their breath

    The coronavirus has also been found in the semen and feces of people with COVID-19. It hasn’t been found in vaginal fluid.

    Can COVID-19 be spread through sex, whether vaginal or anal? The scientific community actually doesn’t know for sure yet. What we do know is that “sex is the definition of close contact,” as Stephanie Cohen puts it. So if you’re close enough to get physically intimate with someone with COVID-19, you’re definitely close enough to have a high risk of being infected via those particles they’re exhaling.

    How dangerous is kissing?

    Kissing someone outside of your household is one of the most risky things you can do right now, Cohen says, because of how much exchange of saliva it involves.

    For this reason, she says, kissing might actually present a higher risk of transmission than vaginal or anal sex. And anything that increases your respiration and your respiratory rate “will likely result in the release of more respiratory droplets,” thus increasing the risk of transmission — think heavy breathing.

    Are certain types of sex riskier?

    Because the coronavirus has been found in feces — and because gastrointestinal symptoms like diarrhea can occur sometimes with COVID-19 infection — Cohen says there’s a likely chance that anal sex or oral-anal contact would pose more of a transmission risk than other forms of sex such as penile-vaginal contact, for example.

    That said, medical professionals just don’t know for sure. COVID-19 transmission risk would also be impacted by a number of other factors, such as the degree of face-to-face contact and how infectious the person with COVID-19 is at the time of the sexual encounter. Right now, there just isn’t enough data to be definitive, Cohen says — so it’s all about assessing those various risk indicators we do know about.

    If I do have sex, what are some things I can do to reduce my risk of catching COVID-19?

    If you’re utterly determined to have sex outside of your household right now, these precautions represent harm reduction strategies:

    • Wearing a mask: Remember, a mask protects the other person in how it limits the spread of your respiratory droplets. For masks to truly reduce the risks of either sexual partner getting COVID-19, both people would have to wear a mask: a mutual masking, if you will. “It might not be a strategy that works for everyone,” Cohen says, “but certainly I think it’s one that could reduce risk.” Remember though: as Nenna Joiner reminds us, masks are like condoms in the sense that you “still need to know how to put [them] on correctly.”
    • Choosing positions that minimize face-to-face contact: Spooning sex, doggy-style, reverse-cowboy/cowgirl/cowperson — consider agreeing to stick to sexual arrangements that keep your faces far apart, and ideally with one person faced completely away from the other. (It’s a bit of a spontaneity-killer, yes, but it’s a good idea to agree to this one before you start having sex, to avoid ‘the heat of the moment’ making the decisions for you.)
    • Remember cleanliness: “Washing up really well, both before and after sex” is another way sexual partners can potentially reduce their risk to each other, Cohen says. Wash your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds. If you don’t have soap and water on hand, use a hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol and rub your hands together until they feel dry. Don’t use sanitizer anywhere intimate — it will really irritate that delicate skin. If you have someone else’s bodily fluids on your body, be sure to wash them off thoroughly. You cannot “absorb” the coronavirus through your skin, but you might touch your skin and then touch your face. If you’re using sex toys, wash those with soap and warm water.
    • Using condoms and other barriers: Wearing a condom during sex will decrease your exposure to saliva or feces. For oral sex, using a condom or dental dam similarly provides a barrier. This is especially important for any anal contact.
    • Keep it quick: Minimizing the length of a sexual encounter is a harm reduction strategy in how it’s reducing the amount of time you’re potentially being exposed to the virus.
    • Consider things that don’t exchange fluids: Mutual masturbation could be considered a harm reduction strategy, Cohen says. But don’t forget that if you’re simultaneously making out, “that could actually be higher risk than a quick session of oral sex,” she says.

    And remember: Don’t forget to practice the safe sex you usually would before the pandemic.

    With all this in mind, we’ll say it again: right now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, there is no way of having sex with someone outside your household that carries zero risk of transmitting or obtaining the virus.

    “Everyone’s looking for a magic loophole,” acknowledges Julia Feldman, “and it doesn’t really exist.”

    And here’s another tricky thing. Even if you and your partner agree to abide by all of the above harm reduction strategies in the cold light of day, things can shift in the heat of the moment. Previously agreed-upon plans can fall apart when inhibitions are lowered and you’re turned on, especially if alcohol is involved — and in these circumstances “you’re less likely to use your prefrontal cortex to really analyze the risk involved in the situation,” Feldman stresses. “Especially if you haven’t had sex in a long time and you’re very excited to do it.”

    So if you’re concerned that your safety boundaries might be in any way reduced or made negotiable during sex… back away, and prioritize your health.

OK… I had sex anyway. How long should I wait to get a COVID-19 test?

If you aren’t sure whether your sexual partner had COVID-19, the best time to get tested for the coronavirus would be between five and 14 days after the encounter, says Stephanie Cohen.

That’s because the median average time from exposure to coronavirus symptom onset is five days — so testing any earlier than that might not yield an accurate result — but the incubation period (the amount of time you can be infected before showing symptoms) is up to 14 days.

Is isolating for 14 days between sexual partners a good idea?

Here’s the idea: you have sex with someone, and then wait for 14 days to see if you develop symptoms of COVID-19. If you don’t, you’re good to move on to a new partner safe in the knowledge you don’t have the disease and aren’t passing it on — right?

Not quite.

“It’s a good strategy; it’s a harm reduction strategy,” Cohen says, but “it’s not a zero-risk strategy.” That’s because of the large numbers of people who get COVID-19 but never show any symptoms.

What about sex with more than one person?

Having multiple people that you have sex with is a definite risk factor for transmitting COVID-19. These kinds of overlapping sexual relationships with different people — going back and forth between people, basically — is called “concurrency” in the sexual health world, and it’s something experts say will heighten your risk of spreading the disease.

“To minimize that concurrency,” Cohen says, “decrease the network size — which decreases the spread of coronavirus.” Basically, consider reducing the number of people you’re having sex with during the pandemic.

Where does that leave you if you practice polyamory, which is all about having multiple sexual relationships?

Nenna Joiner says that yes, some folks are deciding to take a break from polyamorous intimacy during the pandemic owing to the heightened risks of having different partners right now. But other poly people are choosing to isolate together “as a poly family,” they say, and agreeing to only have sex “within that sphere of people.” Ultimately, it’s about finding the solution that works best for your health, and that of others.

What about group sex?

If group sex (having sex with multiple people at the same time) was your thing before the pandemic, Stephanie Cohen has a message for you: “The fewer people, the better.”

That’s because with every additional person in a situation — social or sexual — you’re adding a potential COVID-19 case, whether they know they have it or not. In a group sex situation, that person is then potentially transmitting the coronavirus to multiple people at one time — who could then go on to infect others, who then go on to… you get the picture.

If you do continue to choose group sex, New York City’s public health department advises you to “Go with a consistent sex partner” in such a situation, and “pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces.”

What about sex workers? How can they make it work right now?

Is there a way to safely engage in sex work in the midst of a pandemic?

It’s “a profession that certainly carries risk,” Cohen stresses, due to the amount of close physical contact involved. In addition to the other strategies discussed here, some additional harm reduction strategies sex workers might consider are to limit the number of clients they see during the pandemic, to opt for a smaller circle of regular clients and “more spacing out in-between partners.”

Who is ‘safe’ to date right now?

As if finding a match with someone you’re emotional and physically compatible with in all the expected ways wasn’t fraught enough — you now have the coronavirus risk compatibility to consider, too.

This is, Feldman admits, “a really unfortunate layer to add to dating.”

Get ready for some frank communication with partners, both current and potential ones, about your circumstances and behaviors around contact with other people. How many people are they seeing, socially or sexually? How does their daily life look in terms of interactions with other people? Are they an essential worker? If so, what kind of traffic does their place of work experience?

In a nutshell, this is not the time for mystery — and in many ways, you’ll have to be your own contact tracer, says Nenna Joiner.

How much do I need to talk about COVID-19 with potential partners?

Open, honest communication about your health has never been more crucial than right now. And, as Julia Feldman notes, if you’re getting sexually intimate with somebody, you should already be talking to that person about your health and sexual health status. COVID-19 is now another communicable disease for you and your sexual partner(s) to be discussing, without holding anything back. (Remember though: somebody can have the coronavirus and have zero symptoms. Just because somebody thinks they don’t have COVID-19 doesn’t mean they are definitely COVID-19-free.)

Starting these conversations can feel tricky, especially with someone you barely know, so Feldman advises you initiate the conversation by leading with your own experience — a time you were concerned you might have been at risk for contracting COVID-19, perhaps, or a recent decision to seek out a test for the disease. Leading with your own vulnerability, she says, can really open up a conversation without putting your prospective partner on the spot. You don’t want them to feel grilled, or accused. “That definitely doesn’t set the mood, and it doesn’t build trust,” Feldman says.

“Ultimately, at the end of the day, people are trying to figure out how to get all of their needs met as safely as possible,” reminds Feldman. “That’s a lot to navigate! This is brand new stuff. We are going to be messy.”

In being thoughtful though, don’t forget to acknowledge your own boundaries — and forget about anyone who doesn’t respect them, especially during a pandemic.

Being an advocate for your own safety — and working to limit community transmission of the coronavirus — means not letting any potential partners pressure you into meeting up in person, or engaging in any sexual contact you don’t want to have.

I live with other people. What do they need to know about my dating and sex life?

If you’re sharing your living situation with roommates or family, sorry: your business is now their business, especially if their own health places them in a vulnerable category.

That means you should be as transparent as possible with the people you live with about your relationship(s), and the types of activities and the type of risks that you’re involved in, Feldman says.

The first step in navigating this should be talking with the person you’re dating or having sex with, to establish their level of risk. You need to work out the potential COVID-19 risk their behavior and circumstances pose not just to you, but therefore to the people you cohabit with.

You should be prepared to discuss how you propose to minimize your roommates’ risk, whether that’s avoiding shared spaces in your home, relentless sanitizing of your living environment — or whether your cohabitees are prepared to not do this and accept the heightened risk, and the potential consequences of that.

Basically, get used to communicating because “you need to have some very frank conversations about how you’re going to try to keep everyone safe, and prioritize everyone’s health and well-being,” Feldman says. It’s that big a deal that ultimately, Cohen says, your roommates or family “should have veto power in terms of you engaging in risky behavior and bringing it back to them.”

Is ‘distanced sex’ a thing?

Totally, says Joiner: social distancing and forgoing physical touch does not have to be a barrier to sexual intimacy. Sex toys which use Bluetooth connectivity can be used or worn by one partner and activated remotely by their partner from six feet or more away, without any physical contact. If you want to increase that distance, Joiner says you could use these kinds of toys in conjunction with phone sex, or voyeurism.

It might sound impersonal, but Joiner says distanced products actually require just as much effort and communication, if not more.

“You’ve got to turn on a person to make them feel confident and comfortable and warm like you’re there,” they say. (Joiner’s pro tip: If you’re purchasing this kind of remote toy for the first time, try it out solo first to really get to grips with it — and minimize any awkwardness when you come to use it with your partner.)

I know I am ‘my own safest partner.’ How can I make the most of that?

Nenna Joiner reminds that some people might actually welcome the break from active dating that COVID-19 enforces. Some people with anxiety can often find the machinery of dating — conversation, sex with someone new — stressful and anxiety-provoking. If that’s you, Joiner says to take advantage of this “buffer,” to get some respite. They also want to remind you that not everyone in the world is into self-pleasure — and if that’s you, that’s totally fine.

If limiting your physical intimacy with others is something you’re committed to, you may be considering acquiring sex toys to concentrate on your personal pleasure instead. Joiner says many sex shops, including their own, offer online chat services, where you can consult with an expert about exactly what you’re looking for. Joiner says some of Feelmore’s live chats can get “crazy,” so don’t worry about being frank with the professionals. Online deliveries or courier services are also available in many stores, to enable you to maintain social distancing.

Joiner’s entry-level advice with your purchases: “Stay on the lower end (on price), figure your body out for yourself and then progress from there.”

What about taking everything online?

If you decide to take your sex life fully online to eliminate any close contact or in-person elements, New York City’s public health experts advise that if you normally meet your sexual partners online (or make a living on the internet), “video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, sexy ‘Zoom parties’ or chat rooms may be options for you.”

If you choose this option, don’t forget to keep your environments clean in a way you would if someone else was present, and disinfect any keyboards and touch screens you’re using that you share with other other people.

Also, don’t let the possibilities of the internet (and let’s face it, lockdown-induced frustrations) override your normal judgment around your online privacy and personal safety. Especially when it comes to sending nudes or other intimate material to someone you don’t know and trust.

How can I ‘have’ intimacy if it’s not safe to touch someone right now?

Don’t be deterred or dismayed by how new all this feels either, Joiner says. The pandemic means many of us have had to learn new ways of living in general, and these adaptations to our sexual lives are in many ways “an opportunity to create a new life sexually for ourselves as well,” they say.

Joiner believes that this might even be a spur to regain intimacy for many people, because of the extra imagination and effort required. It’s a chance, they say, to make sure that you’re really focusing on your own emotional needs.

Julia Feldman advises that this is also a potential moment to redefine what intimacy means for you, beyond mere physical touch: “We can’t say that intimacy is dead!” she says. “It just has to function slightly differently.”

I live with my partner but we’re not having much sex. Help!

It’s not just single folks who aren’t necessarily having the quantity or quality of physical contact they’d prefer during quarantine. For a couple who lives together, even a previously harmonious relationship can be severely tested by 24/7 cohabitation during COVID-19 — and result in a drop in intimacy.

It’s all about switching up your timing to reinvigorate a dynamic, Joiner says. They recommend taking separate breaks outside of your shared accommodation — like a solo lunch break at the park — but also occasionally meeting up in a fresh setting that’s not where you live together. Joiner recommends trying a joint picnic, or a driving date — shared experiences that “will actually lead you to have to know why you’re in a relationship with your partner, and then to lead towards more intimacy, which leads to more sex.”

Don’t forget the power of dressing up slightly too, Joiner says, who warns against “the rut of seeing each other in certain clothes” (e.g. your work-from-home sweats.)

Even making a little effort for regular activities can go a long way, they say. “Like my partner: Yesterday we went to church online, and she puts on a dress. I’m like, ‘shit!'”

My live-in partner is really bad at social distancing, and I’m worried to kiss or have sex with them. What can I do?

If you’re covering your face in public and maintaining social distance, but your partner doesn’t, they’re not only heightening their own risk of contracting COVID-19 but bringing their risk home to you. How can you have that conversation in a way that makes change?

In a sense, this conversation is an extension of the dialogues you and your partner have already (hopefully!) had about trust and fidelity of all kinds within your relationship, and the things that matter to you, whether that’s strict monogamy or communication around other partnerships you may have. Agreeing to even be in a relationship is about declaring an intent to care for that other person’s wellbeing and safety in certain regards, and any breach of that — like bringing home a risk of COVID-19 without discussion — represents a decision to disregard that agreement.

So if you’re in this situation, try explicitly framing this with your partner as a fidelity issue, Feldman recommends: “We made a commitment to protect each other through the good and bad, and right now this is pretty bad.”

She advises aiming to come to a reaffirmed agreement with your partner about “what level of risk you’re both willing to take on, and to really sign onto that.” Then, if there’s still a breach, you really need to talk about respect within your relationship, and whether you’re both really committed to each other.

When opening up these dialogues with your partner, Feldman also advises emphasizing that these are not “normal times,” and this is not forever. These restrictions and limitations for which you’re advocating on the grounds of your shared health — and the trust in your relationship — are temporary. “You’re not saying your husband can never, for example, go play poker with the guys ever again, or whatever it is that he wants to do.”

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