— “It can be something your unconscious is inviting you to consider.”
Have you ever found yourself squirming in the middle of the night (in a good way) after dreaming of being railed by your next-door neighbour, or perhaps a platonic best friend? Same. We’re not alone. With three-quarters of the population experiencing sex dreams left, right, and centre — you’re in excellent company.
Some of the most common dream events include same-sex shags, dirty talk, and oral sex, to name but a few. However, is it possible for our spiciest dream to lead to a sexual awakening whilst snoozing? Have people been able to unlock kinks as they catch Zs?
“I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years, and I constantly have sexual dreams about different females,” says John*. He explains that, while he doesn’t dream of kinks, he has consistent dreams (up to three to four times a week) of cheating on his girlfriend with her friends and colleagues, or experiencing threesomes. “It’s not made me want to do it in real life,” he says, “but only because of the guilt. Plus, I don’t think she’d go for it.”
For some people, sex dreams lead to new levels of intimacy and ways to have sex. Laurie* has also been somewhat influenced by her dreams. “Sex dreams have mostly given my partner and I ideas for new positions to try, and also a couple of locations too (car, shower, etc.),” she tells Mashable. “There have been some dreams we’ve had over our relationship that have been way too extreme, but others that have given us some ideas for intimacy.”
For others, like Robin*, dreams have little impact on the way they have sex in real life. “As far as stuff in my dreams being explored in reality, I’d say it’s pretty much not happened,” they explain.
Diana Moffat, a psychotherapist specialising in Jungian Analysis tells Mashable that dreams do not always represent our needs like-for-like, instead, they are more abstract and usually more indicative of how we feel about the relationships we have, rather than the sex acts themselves.
Moffat encourages us to explore our kinks and sexual fantasies through waking dreams, or daydreams, but not to take things too literally. “I would say it’s almost dangerous to take dream life as a kind of indicator, because dream life is all about symbolism,” Moffat says. “Our dreams could maybe enlighten us as to why we have the kinks we have,” she continues, “a dream is about the dreamer.”
“It can be something your unconscious is inviting you to consider. In these instances, it’s good to explore what could be missing in your life.”
This view is shared by Maxim Ilyashenko, a UKCP-registered Jungian psychotherapist and analyst. “I think it’s important to look at dreams as symbolic material first — not say, ‘Okay, I dreamt about that. I have to do that,'” he explains. “But, it can be something your unconscious is inviting you to consider. In these instances, it’s good to explore what could be missing in your life.”
He explains that if dreams do manifest that challenge your sex status quo, then communication will be a vital tool you and your sexual and/or romantic partners need to employ. “I think one rule for healthy sexuality is it should be consensual with yourself and with your partner. Next is to know how you feel about the dream, because sometimes they can be formulated in quite a symbolic language.”
This is something that Robin has experienced. “So, picture a clone of me. (clone 1) gets down, and sucks off the original’s cock, yet I’m feeling both the act of giving and receiving a blowjob,” they explain. “It’s very weird as I have never even seen another man’s penis in real life, besides online. I’ve never touched one besides my own, and I’ve never sucked off a guy. So I don’t even know what it’s like — yet in the dream, I do.”
Robin explains that on a romantic level, they aren’t attracted to men but are fascinated by penises on a sexual level, which has opened them up to exploring their bi-curiousness “I’ll admit I’ve fantasized about exchanging handjobs and giving a blowjob if the situation was completely ideal,” they continue, “I don’t know if that’s inspired by the dream, or the dream is inspired by that. Or maybe it’s a combo of both, they both feed into and off of each other.”
While it’s important to note that sexual identity isn’t a kink, it’s interesting to see how new frontiers could be opening up for people like Robin through their dreaming.
“I once had a [sex] dream with one of my favourite female actresses, but I wouldn’t want to have sex with her in real life.”
For others, like Rory* who is asexual but not sex-repulsed, their sex dreams have helped them to feel more confident in their sexual identity. “I thought I was somewhere between bisexual or lesbian, [and] I just never happened to have a relationship or sex; these things always seem far away from me,” they explain. “I think it is through the reflection on my dreams that made me more sure about my asexuality. I once had a [sex] dream with one of my favourite female actresses, but I wouldn’t want to have sex with her in real life, even if she offered it to me,” they laugh.
But, what if we did want to explore our sex dreams in the real world? How and when should we do it? Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics and psychotherapist specialising in sexology and intimate relationships, tells Mashable that taking sex dreams into the real world takes a large amount of self-reflection.
“Baby steps are important. We need to ask at each graduation of event, how does that make us feel? And then, think about how you might like to move forward with it,” he explains. “Imagine first and bring the dream into waking fantasy, try slowly second, and then interrogate your emotions. Did you feel horny? Neutral? Disgusted?”
Silva explains that by checking in with ourselves in this way, we can avoid pressuring ourselves into situations that are uncomfortable or non-consensual. After all, not all dreams are good dreams; some sex dreams can scare us or be about things we’d never want to try in real life.
“Often, there can be moments when our dreams of sex can include rape fantasies or scenes where we sleep with siblings, even parents,” he says. “These can be distressing and arousing. But they are not always indicative of what we want to recreate in our sex lives with our partners.”
“You do not need to act upon fantasies.”
Neves explains that dreams that take this form can be something that plays out solely in the fantastical world of our erotic mind. It can also be part of processing what love means to us in the form of a platonic relationship. The way the brain processes is by finding snapshots of images and creating a story from them. This can be explained as an abstract image formed of simple ideas. “You do not need to act upon fantasies,” he says, “and dreams are not a prerequisite to being a degenerate. They don’t always mean something. They can be random and unsettling. It’s all how you feel when you go back and reprocess and interrogate why you might feel that way that counts for more.”
So, should we pay attention to our sex dreams, if they are so abstract and can mean so many different things? Neves believes so. “They can be indicative of something larger happening in your life. If you are conforming to a relationship where your safety hangs in the balance, or you are in denial about your sexuality and identity, then it can be that you explore these needs through your dreams,” he explains.
He points out that some people can have the same recurring, persistent sex dream. In those circumstances, it might be a good idea to question what they might mean. He suggests that it could be that there is something they’re not allowing themselves to experience because of shame (in the case of a kink or fetish, or same-sex sexual activities), or it could be if someone hasn’t had any forms of sexual contact for several months.
Moffat also agrees that recurring dreams play a role in our conscious mind that is worthy of further interrogation and exploration, especially if they are distressing and indicative of trauma. “It’s like food that hasn’t been digested,” she says. “It just keeps repeating and playing again and again and again. And that’s where the therapeutic process works in thinking with you; it kind of helps make those things more digestible.”
Ilyshenko tells Mashable that dreams can be a way for couples to explore sexual fantasies without shame. “It can be a good tool to talk to your partner about desire, because it is removed from the real world. It can feel impossible sometimes to talk about sex openly. I think it’s a quite playful and safe way to explore something else,” he says.
“All humans are weird.”
“All humans are weird,” says Neves. “We all have our little bits of strange. So fantasising or dreaming about jelly, feet, rape, or any other kind of fetish and kink is entirely normal.”
He explains we all need to get more comfortable with our oddities, that we can reduce shame by reminding ourselves that most of us have some quirks in our erotic mind, and to think of our eroticism in a lighter way, rather than being afraid of something dark is lurking in our subconscious.
“We need more discourse and information on the different ways we can experience pleasure from sex and sexual activity,” he says. “If you’re into balloons and you’re not harming anyone, then what’s the big deal? Enjoy your balloons.”
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