Category: Sexual Orientation

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Two women share what it’s like to come out later in life

For many years, Marija was happy but knew deep down something was missing in her relationships.

By Tahnee Jash

She had been in two long-term partnerships with men. The first led to marriage, and the second to a son.

It wasn’t until she was 40 that she met, and fell in love with, a woman.

“Before I came out, I met someone I decided to act on,” Marija, 76, tells ABC podcast, Ladies, We Need To Talk.

“That was a turning point that I wish to God I had done in my teens but then of course, I wouldn’t have had my son.”

She has now been in a committed relationship with a woman for the last 25 years.

‘I was afraid of being judged’

Marija, who came to Australia as a WWII refugee, says she was always attracted to women but wasn’t sure how her family would respond.

“[I come from a] migrant background and everyone was married, they were building up a new life in this country, and I don’t think my family would have understood,” she says.

“I was terribly afraid of being judged by them and losing their love.”

Marija had a great relationship with her second partner, who has since passed away, and when she made the decision to come out, he was very supportive.

“I think he suspected [it]. Then when I did tell him he kept saying, ‘The only thing that matters is your happiness’,” she says.

While Marija’s son took some time getting used to seeing his mum with another woman, he now has a great relationship with them both.

“He withdrew for a little while and then after he got to know my partner and realised that she wasn’t taking me away from [him and his dad] he did a flip and became her best friend.”

Sexuality is fluid and can change over time

When Marija was coming to terms with her identity 36 years ago, sexuality was not as openly discussed or understood.

“I had a very high-profile job with local newspapers and magazines, and I felt that that would have been jeopardised. In those days, comments about homosexuality were not very pleasant,” she says.

Dr Lisa Diamond, professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been researching sexual identity for over 30 years.

She says for many years, women were “socialised to think about female sexuality as shameful”.

“Most women develop an alienated relationship with their own sexuality because every time they have a sexual desire, they repress it,” she says.

Influences around us — from our family to the movies we watch — also encourage what we think.

“The idea is that there is this pressure on all women to be heterosexual and this inability to even think of anything else that prevents a lot of women from knowing what they actually want,” says Dr Diamond.

There’s also pressure to have this all worked out once you hit adulthood and is why some women come out later in life, especially after a big life event.

“The capacity for a same-sex relationship might have been there from the beginning but if you don’t have a chance to articulate that to yourself, then it might take a big life transition to wake up and actually ask yourself what you actually want,” Dr Diamond explains.

“We know that sexuality is a complicated spectrum that changes over time.”

‘Our focus was on the children’

Like Marija, Jennifer came out in her 40s.

She says her conservative, religious upbringing was part of the reason she couldn’t understand or explore her sexuality.

Her first experience of dating was in her late 20s, with her husband who she had two children with and was in a relationship for 24 years.

“Our focus was on the children, [not] on me. Having said that, I was struggling inside but I just put my energy on them and brushed myself aside,” Jennifer, 61, says.

It was after watching a documentary about lesbians in Melbourne that Jennifer experienced an epiphany.

Jennifer didn’t know what to do next.

“I [thought I] can’t tell anyone, I’m married. I’m going to have to hold this inside me and never say anything,” she says.

After suppressing this for two years, a fatal accident involving her brother pushed her feelings to the forefront and that’s the moment Jennifer decided to come out.

“It was like my subconscious was saying, ‘Come on, life is short you’ve got to do something about this’,” she says.

It was in the months that followed that she decided to come out to her family and friends. After sitting in her lounge room for four hours rehearsing what she was going to say, she finally worked up the courage to tell her husband.

“It was a relief for us both because it made sense to everything in our world,” Jennifer says.

“He [replied and said] ‘Yes, I reckon a lot of women feel this in middle age’ and that was it. It was like we could breathe.”

Coming out to the family

During a countryside drive, Jennifer decided to tell her children too.

“I’m very close to my children and I just knew they’d know there was something weird going on with me. So I chose [to tell them] driving in the car one day,” Jennifer says.

“The words [were] like this vomit coming and [I said], ‘I’ve got something to tell you’ and I said, ‘I’m gay,’ Jennifer says.

“One of them is just like, ‘stop the car [so I can] get out’ and the other one said, ‘we just want you to be happy’.”

Both her children came to accept her news and Jennifer has a great relationship with them today.

Going through this experience and learning more about herself, Jennifer says hersexuality is more about the individual, rather than a label.

“For me, it’s about fluidity so I don’t call myself a lesbian,” she says.

“It’s more about the person I’m with; I don’t like [using] categories.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender’

By Rory Bristol

Do you ever feel lost when it comes to the countless phrases coming out of LGBTQ+ spaces? Are you straight and trying to be a better ally, or are you LGBTQ+ yourself but don’t know how to describe yourself to others? There is good news, Kate Sloan’s new book 200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender is a resource that dives deeply into modern language and highlights the various interpretations of each word or phrase, along with the ways each word might be hurtful or misrepresentative when used in the wrong context.

For starters, Sloan tackles a huge range of topics from the basic concepts of gender and sex, along with the more niche ideas of stigma, biology, Kink & BDSM terminology, and words that just help with the use of the English language, such as pronouns, culture, and gender identities/roles. Each entry looks at the origin of the word (when it’s relevant), who might use that word, who might be upset if you use that word incorrectly, and much more.

For LGBTQ+ Folks

As a queer+trans person, I was struck by many entries in this book that helped me understand words I was using poorly. Some things were easier for me to learn over the years, like how “Gold Star Gay” can feel invalidating to bisexual people, people who have been victims of sexual assault, and people who came out later in life after having sexual relationships with someone of another gender. Other things, like the term “boi” originating in Black culture and being a facet of that culture were news to me, but explain why Black and Hispanic friends of mine would respond poorly when I used that word. There are so many ways our dearly beloved queer language has grown over the last few decades that it’s impossible for everyone to know the history of every word. But, thanks to resources like 200 Words, we can hope to better understand the context from which these phrases came.

Ultimately, this isn’t an attempt to “police” terms or phrases, merely an opportunity to learn the context of words we might have picked up while frequenting discreet websites in the ’90s, or even on Tumblr, Reddit, or Google more recently.

For Allies

If you are (or want to be) an ally for LGBTQ+ people in your life (or even the world at large), I vigorously encourage you to get your hands on a copy of this book. Partly, this is because there are just so many darn words to learn. Even more important, though, is that the English language cannot help us improve equity if we do not help it grow through its use. By discussing issues using proper language, we empower ourselves and those we discuss things with to lift LGBTQ+ people and voices to a better place in society.

One note, though: Many times, this book may caution you to consider whether to use a word for another person. For example, a nonbinary person might dislike the term “enby” and not identify with it. If you refer to them as an enby, they may think you are belittling their experience, even if you are trying to be supportive. So, to be safe, always ask someone what words they use to describe themselves and never, ever, ever correct someone’s use of those words. If you think someone is using a word in a harmful way, share your copy of the book with them so they can see another side to that word or phrase in that context. You should never, however, tell them they are using it wrong or try to get them to use a different word for themselves. That’s on them.

For Sex Ed

Sex education is a topic we feel strongly about at GeekDad. You can see our Top 10 Sex Ed Books post for reference (now updated to include this resource!), and we have covered various graphic novels and other media from an LGBTQ+ perspective over the years. The unfortunate truth is there is no such thing as a single resource to learn everything about the human body or our sexual, romantic, or gender identities. This book is an excellent starting point, but it doesn’t really cover the details of physical and emotional health that are vital to sexual education, so we encourage you to check our Top 10 post for more resources if you are looking for more holistic educational resources.

TL;DR

200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender is a fantastic reference for those wanting to learn more about how to discuss LGBTQ+ topics, regardless of your own level of experience or involvement with the LGBTQ+ community. You will find information on what each word means, who might use it, and how it might be inappropriate if used in the wrong context. It makes an excellent gift or an excellent accompaniment to sex education materials whether or not you’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is heteroflexibility?

And is it just another word for “bisexual?”

Heteroflexible describes someone who is primarily straight, but feels queer attraction.

By Anna Iovine

If you identify as straight but are open to queer experiences, you’re not alone. You may be called “heteroflexible,” a portmanteau that signals being “mostly straight” with a flexibility towards same-sex attraction.

What does heteroflexibility mean?

There’s not an objective definition of heteroflexibility. In fact, it hasn’t yet been used in the scientific study of the psychology of sexual orientation, said Pavel S. Blagov, Ph.D, associate professor of psychology at Whitman College.

One of the earliest cited writings on the term, by then-professor of sociology at Yale University Laurie Essig, was published by Salon in 2000. Essig, now a professor at Middlebury College, defined heteroflexibility as when someone “has or intends to have a primarily heterosexual lifestyle, with a primary sexual and emotional attachment to someone of the opposite sex.” But, as Essig continued, “that person remains open to sexual encounters and even relationships with persons of the same sex.”

As much as 15 percent of the American population may identify as heteroflexible, according to a 2019 study.

What’s the origin of the term “heteroflexibility”?

The exact genesis of the term “heteroflexible” is unknown, but it’s been used as early as the 1990s. In the 1997 humor glossary of LGBTQ slang When Drag is Not a Car Race, heteroflexibility is defined as “bisexual, or at least open to sexual experimentation.”

Heteroflexible appeared to pick up steam on college campuses in the early 2000s, as displayed in Essig’s Salon article. A 2002 dispatch from The Buffalo News declared heteroflexbile the “hot term being bandied about on campus,” and defined it as “the condition of being not fully bisexual but open to adventure.”

How is heteroflexibility used today?

Today, people seem to use the term differently, said Blagov, and its use is being studied by scholars in gender studies, sociology, and public health.

“The concept seems to have different meanings across individuals and in different corners of popular culture,” he continued. There are several facets of sexual orientation that one may use heteroflexbility to refer to: someone’s identity, their sexual desires, their sexual behavior, or something else — or a combination of these.

Based on various sources online, Blagov senses that someone who describes themselves as heteroflexible may be trying to convey one or more of these concepts: “Some degree of attraction to the same sex; some degree of interest in same-sex sexual behavior; a positive attitude toward diversity in sexual orientation; an open mind about different identities; that they owe some allegiance to a heterosexual or straight identity; and that they do not identify as bisexual or homosexual.”

He also cited sociologist Héctor Carrillo and contributor Amanda Hoffman, who researched sexualities of American men in an aptly titled study, Straight with a pinch of bi. One one hand, Carrillo and Hoffman wrote, terms like heteroflexibility and “bi-curious” represent a renewed sense of sexual identity among young straight Americans with same-sex desire — and possibly a search for public recognition and societal acceptance.

At the same time, Carrillo argued, by not adopting a queer identity like bisexual, heteroflexibile people seek to remain in the “heterosexual category.” They want an indication that same-sex desire and behavior “are not altogether incompatible with heterosexuality.”

Blagov reiterated that heteroflexibility isn’t currently an established concept in the scientific study of psychology. “It is not referring to how a person’s mind works or any objectively defined way in which people differ,” he said. At least currently, it doesn’t indicate a proven difference among people. Rather, it’s a label people have started using to describe themselves and others.

The use of heteroflexible also likely differs across individuals and groups, and — like our definition of so many other words — may change over time.

Is heteroflexibility just bisexuality?

Heteroflexibility, Essig wrote, “is a rejection of bisexuality since the inevitable question that comes up in bisexuality is one of preference, and the preference of the heteroflexible is quite clear.”

At first, Essig said she was pissed at the term. “I resented the fact that they [young people] would root their marginal sexual practices in the safety of heterosexuality,” she said. Then, after reflecting, she embraced it because in her view, it could bring an end to heterosexuality’s dominance. In the future, Essig mused, everyone would be flexible.

Other scholars, however, don’t have such a rosy view of the term. In a 2009 article about queer representation in the media, media and communications professor Lisa Blackman wrote that “heteroflexible” serves to expand the boundaries of the “heterosexual” label rather than to normalize queer identities. Flexibility is merely a “temporary interruption” of heterosexual desire, a “break from the routine.”

Blackman goes on to say that the idea of flexibility serves to support the agency of heterosexual people, but not queer people. Queer attraction, at least in media at the time of Blackman’s writing, was seen as something novel for straight people (primarily women) to experience. She cites two examples — Samantha Jones in Sex and the City and Jessica in Kissing Jessica Stein — as characters who flirted with homosexuality, but only temporarily.

Does “heteroflexibility” describe queer desire in terms of…straightness? In Blackman’s sense, yes, said Andrew Cheng, postdoctoral researcher in the Department of Linguistics at Simon Fraser University.

While this argument is an academic look into film and television at the time, other queer people have decried the term for similar reasons. Writer Charlie Williams said in Affinity Magazine that the word heteroflexible erases bi identities, saying both heteroflexible and the opposite, homoflexible, are just “fancy words” for bisexual. Another writer, Kravitz M., called for people who feel attraction to multiple genders to question why they don’t call themselves bi, and claimed it might be because of internalized biphobia.

It’s important to remember, though, that the meanings and uses of identity labels change quickly — especially in the internet age — and that identities are dependent on local communities, said Cheng.

“The rise in heteroflexibility as an identification among, say, rural men in the Midwest today, might be very different from how it was used by city-dwelling college students in the nineties,” he continued.

Further, without much psychological research it’s hard to speculate out why someone may identify as heteroflexible (or bi-curious or “mostly straight”) instead of a queer identity, said Blagov.

All this to say, there’s no “correct” use of heteroflexible. It may not be its own sexual orientation — it’s been long known that sexual attraction can fall somewhere between hetero and homosexual — but anyone is free to identify as such. Sexuality, like language itself, can be flexible.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is The Kinsey Scale?

Visualizing Sexuality As A Spectrum

The Kinsey scale.

By Stephanie Barnes

Charts and scales can help better explain many things in life, and sexuality is no different. One of the most popular scales used to understand sexuality is the Kinsey Scale, which was created to help describe a person’s sexual orientation. Though not without its limitations, this scale can be a useful way for some people to make sense of their sexual orientation.

What is the Kinsey Scale?

The Kinsey Scale is a visual representation of sexuality along a spectrum ranging from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. Originally called the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, the Kinsey Scale was created by Drs. Alfred Kinsey, Wardell Pomeroy, and Clyde Martin and first introduced in their book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in 1948.

“The scale was created as a way to ‘measure’ someone’s sexual orientation beyond simply heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, based on a spectrum-like scale where ‘exclusively heterosexual’ was on one end and ‘exclusively homosexual’ on the other,” explains Anne Hodder-Shipp, multi-certified sex and relationships educator and founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Ed.

At the time, Kinsey’s research found that most people fell somewhere between the two, Hodder-Shipp notes. This, and much of Kinsey’s research, was considered subversive and groundbreaking for its time.

That said, today the scale is considered to have some limitations, both in terms of its ability to accurately represent the vast array of experiences of sexuality and because it excludes nonbinary folks. Not everyone will feel like they fit into one of these seven categories, and that’s OK.

How it started.

The Kinsey Scale was named after Alfred Kinsey, who is widely considered one of the 20th century’s most significant sex researchers, according to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. It’s no stretch to say that without his work, today’s sexual landscape would look very different and less diverse.

Kinsey, who was an entomologist, was hired at Indiana University to teach sex education, but there wasn’t much to draw from. So, with the help of a team of grad students, he began doing his own research, much of which ultimately changed the world of sexual education and understanding.

The Kinsey Scale was developed in an attempt to show how sexual orientation (specifically, heterosexuality and homosexuality) existed on a continuum, or spectrum. A common misconception today, Queen adds, is that “Kinsey was trying to codify a binary way of looking at sex. This is ahistorical, though.”

“People did think in binary, either/or terms in those days to a significant degree,” she notes but adds, “Among other things, the Kinsey scale illustrates how significant bisexuality is since everything in the middle of the scale could be called bisexual.”

How the Kinsey scale is used.

As mentioned, the Kinsey scale is used to categorize a person’s sexual attraction between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual. The scale runs from zero to six and includes an additional category labeled X, which attempts to represent asexuality.

Here’s what each label represents:

  • 0: Exclusively heterosexual behavior or attraction
  • 1: Predominantly heterosexual and only incidentally homosexual behavior or attraction
  • 2: Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual behavior or attraction
  • 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual behavior or attraction
  • 4: Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual behavior or attraction
  • 5: Predominantly homosexual and only incidentally heterosexual behavior or attraction
  • 6: Exclusively homosexual behavior or attraction
  • X: No socio-sexual contacts or reactions 

(Note: Some versions of the scale use the term “slightly” instead of “incidentally,” and “mostly” instead of “predominantly.” So for example: “Mostly heterosexual and only slightly homosexual.”)

Pros & cons of the scale.

We know much more today about sexual orientation, attraction, and human sexuality, and so while the Kinsey Scale was groundbreaking for its time, it also has its limitations. Like everything else, it has its pros and cons.

Pros:

1. It acknowledges the spectrum of sexuality.

The Kinsey Scale does an excellent job of debunking the “either/or” thinking surrounding sexuality. It was the first scientific scale to put forward the idea that sexuality is a continuum and isn’t limited to being just heterosexual or homosexual. As Queen points out, the scale shows that sexual orientation can exist on a spectrum, and much of the spectrum thinking we do today—the ace spectrum, for instance—owes a lot to this conceptualization.

2. It highlights bisexuality.

The Kinsey Scale emphasizes the existence of bisexuality and the many ways a person can experience it in its categories one through five. Kinsey’s research at the time found 37% of the men interviewed had some kind of same-sex experience between adolescence and adulthood, and this number jumped to 50% for unmarried men by the age of 35. Among women, 13% had a same-sex experience. This data was groundbreaking for its time and made it clear that human sexuality was vast.

“It really helped make bisexuality visible, as well as helping bring homosexuality out of the closet. In my day (the ’70s, when I came out), the gay movement very openly acknowledged its debt to Kinsey,” Queen says.

3. Aids in understanding.

Queen says the Kinsey Scale can help a person (or a clinician working with people around sexuality issues) understand their own or their client’s sexual experience, help them visualize their sexual orientation if they find it helpful to do so, and show that this experience is on a continuum and there may be room for them to explore different options than they have so far.

Cons:

1. Excludes nonbinary folks.

The Kinsey Scale “maintains the sex and gender binary,” Hodder-Shipp points out. Describing people’s behavior as exclusively some mix of “heterosexual” or “homosexual” depicts gender and sex in binary terms, making the Kinsey Scale less useful for those who are nonbinary. Some trans and intersex people may also find these categories limiting, not fully nuanced enough, or exclusionary.

The scale wasn’t intentionally meant to exclude these groups of people, Queen notes; it is in many ways an artifact of its time, and language to describe gender diversity was simply in its infancy at the time the scale was developed.

2. Focuses on behavior rather than identity.

The Kinsey Scale focuses on behavior rather than identity. So rather than describing how much a person identifies as heterosexual or homosexual, it describes how heterosexual or homosexual their pattern of sexual behaviors has been. This distinction matters a lot to some people: For example, a lesbian who only came out later in life may largely have a history of having sex with men, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a lesbian.

According to Queen, Kinsey didn’t think it was appropriate to use orientation terms as anything but adjectives—he did not want us to use these words to define ourselves, but so far he has lost that battle with history, she says. “Still, when we think about why he felt so strongly, it might point to the fluidity of identity, or the way people can engage in all sorts of behavior that doesn’t match their ‘label,’ and when we look at our history of behaviors and attractions, those are really useful insights.”

3. Doesn’t consider romantic attraction.

The Kinsey Scale focuses on sexual attraction without distinguishing between sexual and romantic orientations, sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes points out. For some people, there’s a difference between who we’re sexually attracted to and who we’re romantically attracted to, but this isn’t accounted for on the scale.

4. Oversimplifies sexual orientation.

In general, many people today argue that the scale can feel like an oversimplification of how many people experience sexual attraction. “Though it did technically create new sexual orientation ‘categories,’ the scale still simplified sexual attraction in ways that can feel arbitrary and even confusing,” Hodder-Shipp says.

“Like, what does it mean to be ‘incidentally’ homosexual or heterosexual? Where do I fall on the Kinsey Scale if I’m not really heterosexual but also definitely not homosexual? What if I feel lovey-dovey feelings toward pretty much any gender, but only sometimes feel sexually attracted to one gender?”

5. Can pressure people into categories they don’t resonate with.

Some people don’t desire to label their sexual orientation or attraction at all, Menezes points out. Not everyone feels comfortable being identified as a number on a scale, and with only seven points, the options are limited. And since there is so much new information when it comes to sexuality and seemingly infinite ways to experience sexual attraction, the Kinsey Scale may not quite “fit” anymore.

Other scales and variations.

Today, there are several other scales that try to present a visual representation of sexual orientation and identity. Two of the more popular and inclusive ones are the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid and the Storms Sexuality Axis.

  • The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid is a direct riff on the Kinsey Scale. It was created by Fritz Klein in 1978 and has seven categories, including sexual behavior, sexual attraction, sexual fantasies, lifestyle preferences, and more. It works by having each respondent rate their preferences in each category across three different points in time—past, present, and ideal—which improves upon some of the limitations of the Kinsey Scale. The Klein scale also does a better job of including the ace spectrum, as well as other gender identity scales of today, says Queen.
  • The Storms Sexuality Axis was developed by Michael D. Storms and plots eroticism on an X and Y axis, with heterosexuality on the Y-axis and homosexuality on the X-axis. While it expands on Kinsey’s ideas, it also allows for more inclusivity and considers infinitely more categories of bisexuality as well as asexuality.

The bottom line.

The Kinsey Scale was incredible and ahead of its time, but in many ways, it may not quite fit how we talk about sexuality and sexual identity today. It’s not a one-fits-all situation, and you absolutely don’t have to fit or identify within the Kinsey Scale.

If you do find yourself identifying with the parameters set on the scale, Menezes suggests “taking what you love and leaving the rest.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Am I Gay?

– Resources and Support if You’re Discovering Your Sexual Orientation

by Albert Wagner

Questions about your sexual identity can be complicated. There are tons of words to describe different sexual orientations: lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, queer, pansexual, and so many more. You may be wondering which one fits you best, if any. It’s important to keep in mind that labels can be helpful in understanding your sexual identity, but if you feel like there isn’t a particular label that suits you, that’s okay and doesn’t mean your identity is any less valid.

For some people, the question of “am I gay” is easy to answer. Some people can point to a moment when they knew they were gay, and others feel like they’ve always just known. For others, their journey of discovering their sexuality can be a little less linear. There’s no wrong way to go about it.

But by definition, to identify as gay would mean that you feel sexual and/or romantic attraction to someone of your same gender identity, says LGBTQ+ expert Kryss Shane. “Sometimes it’s a general awareness, other times it’s self-recognition from a same-sex friendship that begins to feel like something more, and sometimes it’s through sexual exploration,” Shane explains.

If you think that you might be gay, here are some resources and things to keep in mind as you explore your sexuality.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

Like we said, there are a lot of terms people use to describe their sexual identity and/or gender orientation. Some of them might even feel like they fit for a while, but you could later decide that they don’t really describe who you are. Learning about yourself and your sexuality is a journey, and it’s actually a really beautiful thing.

Your safety is important.

If you don’t feel it’s safe for you to be out in certain contexts—whether with family, at work, at school, or anywhere else—you should trust that instinct. It doesn’t mean you’re denying who you are, it means you’re making the best and safest decision for you.

You don’t have to justify or explain your identity to anyone you don’t want to.

If you want to share your journey with people in your life, go for it! But if you’re not ready to come out yet or share this part of yourself with people, that’s okay, too. You can share as much or as little as you want when it comes to your sexual orientation.

You aren’t alone.

Although your journey with your sexual orientation is unique, you don’t have to do it alone. If it feels safe, you can include your loved ones as you figure it all out, but if that’s not an option for you, you’re still not alone. There are tons of supportive LGBTQ+ people who can support you on your journey.

Some organizations you might want to look into if you’re trying to find your LGBTQ+ community are:

  • PFLAG. There are over 400 chapters across 50 states, so you can connect with LGBTQ+ people in your area who have been where you are.
    • Q Chat Space. If you’re between the ages of 13 and 19 and questioning your sexuality, you can join live online chats for LGBTQ+ and questioning teens facilitated by experienced staff who work at LGBTQ+ centers around the country.
    • TrevorSpace. This is an online community for LGBTQ+ young people ages 13 to 24, where you can join discussion groups and get advice from other people.
    • Your local LGBTQ+ community center. If you live in an area with a dedicated LGBTQ+ community center, they likely have support groups for people who are LGBTQ+ or questioning their sexual identity. They may also have groups for LGBTQ+ people of specific races, ethnicities, ages, or other intersecting identities.
    • Your local community center. Even if you don’t have an LGBTQ+ community center, your local community center may have an LGBTQ+ support group or LGBTQ+ social events that you can check out.

    Find support and comfort through queer representation.

    Reading books about LGBTQ+ people or watching LGBTQ+ movies can help you make sense of your own identity. There are tons of movies and TV shows with gay, queer, and lesbian representation that you can stream. Or you can start getting into the many LGBTQ+ podcasts out there, from ones that teach you about queer history to ones that address issues that LGBTQ+ people face today.

    You can always reach out for help if you need it.

    In addition to the above organizations that provide support groups and other forums for connecting with LGBTQ+ people, there are plenty of other resources you can turn to as you figure things out.

    • The Trevor Project. The Trevor Project has tons of resources to help you learn about different sexual orientations, mental health, gender identity, and more. They also offer LGBTQ+ informed crisis counselors you can talk to via chat, phone, or text.
    • The LGBT National Help Center. This organization operates three national hotlines to provide peer support, information, and other resources to LGBTQ people. They also offer support via online chat and weekly moderated chats for LGBTQ youth.
    • The It Gets Better Project. It Gets Better helps highlight stories and connect lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth around the world. They also have a resource page where you can find information and support about everything from crisis resources to legal assistance to housing insecurity, with a focus on LGBTQ+ people.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Queer people have mastered sexual friendships

    — and it’s time you straights caught on

    Allow me to impart some wisdom upon the cishet masses.

    By Ian Kumamoto

    I’ve slept with most of my friends. I mean that literally — I’ve shared a bed and cuddled with nearly all of them. I know who likes to be a little spoon and who prefers to be a big spoon; I also know how loud each of them snores. On top of that, I’ve made out with a good chunk of them, given oil massages to some and had full-on sex with others. To me and many other queer people, this shit is normal. Physical, sometimes erotic, touch, is an integral part of many of our friendships. From what I gather, sexual friendships still pretty uncommon outside of the LGBTQ community — what’s this all about?

    To be fair, for straight identifying people, there’s an entire culture built around an obsession with sex and what it means to have it. Non-queers seem terrified of being “friend-zoned,” which is lackluster way of saying that someone they think owes them sex doesn’t want to sleep with them. I want to avoid broadly generalizing — especially since gay men are stereotyped as sex-crazed and outlandishly promiscuous — but these constructs that I describe are very real. When my straight friends have sex with each other, I am always sure of one thing: They either feel like they have to end the friendship or they decide to get into a long-term monogamous situation. But what if neither of those options serve them?

    Whenever I see these friends face this dilemma, I want to scream into the void. It doesn’t need to be this way. By thinking that they need to choose between cutting off a friendship or ascribing more meaning to it purely because there’s sex involved, they’re robbing themselves of all the glorious nuance that can exist in a physically intimate friendship.

    I’m just going to say it: Queer people are better at navigating sexual grey areas. Could non-queers learn a thing or two about friendship from us? I asked some experts to help me dole out some sage advice on fostering a sexual friendship without all the drama. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

    Sex doesn’t have to be the defining factor of your relationships

    Mainstream American culture has taught us that physical intimacy outside of our family has to be sexual. Something as simple as kissing a friend will get most Americans flustered, where in many cultures around the world, kissing on the cheek or even holding hands is devoid of sexual meaning. Not here, where we draw the line at chest bumps and where “no homo” became the mantra of a generation.

    Queer Americans, broadly speaking, have been able to free ourselves of those constraints. “The queer community formed as a community precisely because they were prohibited from touching each other. They came together to touch each other,” Thomas Roach, a professor of philosophy and cultural studies at Bryant University and author of “Friendship as a Way of Life,” tells me. In the U.S., queerness was criminalized for a long time and many queer people still experience rejection from their families.

    For that reason, friendships became a primary source of physical touch as well as a means of survival. Sex still matters, obviously, but it’s peripheral to the strong emotional bonds we have to forge with others in our community. “One salient aspect of queer friendship is that sex is not necessarily the fulcrum around which a relationship turns. Sex is not necessarily the make or break of a queer friendship, nor is it the great definitional divider of friend versus lover,” Roach tells me. “Friendship is formless, amoeba-like, and can be invented from A to Z. Unlike romantic relationships and marriage — which are overburdened with cis-hetero courtship rituals and scripts — friendship is ours to create. And queers have been incredibly innovative in this regard!”

    When we let go of the idea that friendships are inferior to romantic and monogamous relationships, we can start to expand the possibilities of what we want our friendships to look like. Sometimes, that can involve sex.

    I found a great amount of truth in Roach’s observations: My most intimate and freeing relationships are with queer friends and the same time, none of them are strictly defined by sex (or the lack thereof). If I do have sex with a friend, it’s almost a way of showing them how much I love them as a friend. I realize that this is completely counterintuitive to how most heterosexual people are taught to navigate the world, but in the absence of scripts, my most authentic emotions have been able to thrive.

    Strong friendships come from a shared understanding of the world

    Roach also points out that recent history has proven the importance of queer friendships. From Stonewall, to the AIDS crisis to the Pulse nightclub shooting, queer people are constantly reminded that we are not beloved by all. This feeling of shared estrangement creates a foundation for deeper connection and might explain another phenomenon among us: we are generally much better at staying friends with our exes. That’s because we’re also more likely to have shared identity-affirming experiences outside of the romantic relationship itself — maybe our former partner took us to our first gay club or they taught us how to have safer sex.

    The future of friendships looks pretty queer

    Thinking about the intimacy of queer friendships also got me thinking about the future of friendships in general. As queerness becomes less stigmatized and the need for LGBTQ-specific spaces disappear, will queer friendships lose thier spark and start to resemble heterosexual ones? Will we even have anything to bond over down the line, once we have all our rights?

    Maybe, or maybe not. But I doubt that we’ll have to grapple with this question in our lifetime. “As much as queerness has become more mainstream, there is so much anti-trans legislation circulating at this moment in time,” Ariella Serur, a queer dating coach, tells me. “There is still an epidemic of violence against trans folks, particularly trans women of color, so non-stigmatization still feels far away for the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole.” She’s right.

    As long as there are attacks against anyone in our community, friendship is likely to remain the foundation of our culture. Instead of thinking about the heterosexualiztion of queer friendships, a more likely outcome, I hope, is that there will be a queering of heterosexual friendships. A staggering 15% of Gen-Z identifies as LGBTQ, more than any generation before it. I can’t help but feel that more people are realizing the limitations of a label as reductive as “straight” and looking for a way out.

    Queerness frees us up to express ourselves in infinite ways. It also allows us to see physical touch as a means, rather than an end. “If there’s anything to celebrate about the modern LGBTQ community, and if queer culture has anything significant to contribute to the long history of intimacy rites and rituals, it’s an inventive ethics of queer intimacy,” Roach tells me. “It’s an ethic that can yield great pleasure and deep love.”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What Does It Mean To Be Sapiosexual?

    4 Telltale Signs

    By Mary Retta

    If you’re confused about sapiosexuality, you’re not alone. Even as people gain more awareness of LGBTQ+ identities, this one rarely enters the common conversation. Here’s everything you need to know about being sapiosexual.

    What is sapiosexual?

    People who are sapiosexual are physically and emotionally turned on by intelligence. Sapiosexuals think that intelligence is the most attractive trait and value it more than a potential partner’s looks or even personality.

    “Sapiosexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by sexual and erotic attraction to potential partners who are, first and foremost, intelligent,” sex and relationship therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC, tells mbg. “In these cases, intelligence is the genuine ‘turn-on,’ not the status, job, or financial benefits that might accompany intelligence.”

    Signs of sapiosexuality:

    1. You are drawn to a potential partner’s intelligence more than looks or personality.

    Sapiosexuals are most drawn to or turned on by another person’s intellect, according to Kryss Shane, LMSW, dual-licensed social worker and LGBTQ+ expert. “A sapiosexual person may be more interested in discussing books or politics with someone on a first date rather than trying to begin a sexual relationship immediately,” she says. “They may have an online dating profile that focuses more on their career or their academic goals than on trying to find someone to engage in sex with.”

    If you find yourself most drawn to someone’s intellect, this is a very good sign you are sapiosexual.

    2. Intellectual conversations turn you on.

    Sapiosexuals are not only drawn to a potential partner’s intellect—they are often physically turned on by intelligence. If political debates or long discussions about literature really get you in the mood for sex, this is another sign that you are sapiosexual.

    “For sapiosexual folks, intelligence isn’t just icing on the cake for an already attractive partner; it is intelligence itself that drives arousal,” Tanner says. “Sapiosexual individuals not only enjoy intellectual conversation; they might also feel aroused by it.”

    3. You need to have an intellectual discussion before sex crosses your mind.

    For most sapiosexual people, it’s impossible to feel comfortable dating or getting intimate with someone before you’ve had a good, long cerebral chat.

    “Sapiosexual people might find that it’s difficult to connect sexually with a potential partner until they’ve engaged in some form of intellectual discussion,” Tanner says. “Intellectual connection may be considered far more effective foreplay than even physical touch.”

    If you struggle to connect with a potential partner before chatting about their favorite books or political views, this is good sign you might be sapiosexual.

    4. Intellectual spark is more important to you than even the emotional spark.

    Often, sapiosexuality can be confused with demisexuality, an orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction to someone after making an emotional connection with them. While there is some overlap between the two orientations, there is also a distinct difference.

    “Sapiosexuality is the need to build an intellectual attraction before a sexual attraction will occur, while demisexuality is the need to build an emotional connection before a sexual attraction will occur,” Shane explains. “For a sexual attraction to begin, a sapiosexual person is seeking someone on the same intellectual level they are on, whereas a demisexual person is seeking someone who will share their feelings and emotions.”

    Is sapiosexual a real sexual orientation?

    Despite sapiosexuality entering discussions about sexual identity more and more, there are many who still do not view sapiosexuality as a real orientation. Some queer people have also argued that sapiosexual people should not be included in the LGBTQ+ umbrella because it’s not related to gender preferences in the same way identities like pansexual, heteroflexible, and others clearly are. However, some sexuality experts advocate that sapiosexuality is a valid orientation and should be considered as such.

    “Sapiosexuality is not an orientation in that orientation is about the gender identity of the partner or potential partner,” Shane explains. “A sapiosexual person can identify as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or greysexual. Sapiosexuality is how the person develops their attraction to someone. It is the how, not the who, of their attraction experience.”

    “As a sex therapist, I make it a priority not to yuck someone’s yum, so to speak,” Tanner adds. “And as a queer person, I know what it feels like to have my orientation invalidated. I just don’t see a need to devalue something that is true for someone else.”

    Ultimately, labels are only helpful if they allow you to feel more comfortable and confident in your sexuality. If the term “sapiosexual” feels right and valid to you, then you should use it.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Sexuality Terminology

    Someone who experiences little or no sexual attraction to others and / or has a lack of interest in sexual relationships or behaviour. Different to being celibate. Often shortened to ‘ace’.

    Someone who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to people of their gender and other genders. This attraction does not have to experienced equally across all genders. Often shorted to ‘bi’. Whilst similar to pansexual, they involve different histories and associated communities.

    Someone who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to people regardless of their gender or sex. This attraction does not have to experienced equally across all genders. Often shorted to ‘pan’. Whilst similar to bisexual, they involve different histories and associated communities.

    Someone who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others and / or has a lack of interest in romantic relationships or behaviour.

    Someone who only experiences sexual attraction after they have established an emotional or romantic bond with a person.

    Someone who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to members of the same gender and / or sex. Can also be used as an umbrella term for those who don’t identify as straight or heterosexual.

    Someone who is involved in emotional, romantic and / or sexual relationships with multiple partners, with the consent of all those involved. Can take many forms and is different to ‘open relationships’

    An umbrella term that can describe anyone who is not straight and / or cisgender or anyone who does not find their identity under a single label or labels.

    A woman who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to other women.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    A short history of the word ‘bisexuality’

    By Martha Robinson Rhodes

    People have been attracted to more than one gender throughout recorded history. But specific identity labels like bi and pan are relatively new. How did bi+ people in the past understand their identities and attractions, and how does this history affect bi people and communities in the UK today?
    Our Research Officer Martha Robinson Rhodes, who has a PhD in bi history, explains…

    In 1859, anatomist Robert Bentley Todd first used the term ‘bisexuality’ to refer to the possession of ‘male’ and ‘female’ physical characteristics in the same body – today, we might understand this as being intersex. This meaning was taken up by nineteenth-century sexologists – scientists and psychologists studying sex and sexuality, including Henry Havelock Ellis and Richard von Krafft-Ebing – who explored evolution and speculated about “the latent organic bi-sexuality in each sex”, noting that “at an early stage of development, the sexes are indistinguishable”.

    By the beginning of the twentieth century, this meaning had shifted to focus on a combination of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ gendered characteristics – what today we would describe as androgyny. The modern meaning of bisexuality, which describes sexual and/or romantic attraction rather than sexed or gendered characteristics, only developed in the 1910s. However, for many years the different meanings of bisexuality were used at the same time and sometimes in the same texts. Sigmund Freud made his famous claim about ‘universal’ bisexuality in 1915, but referred to this both as a combination of masculinity and femininity and as a sexual or romantic attraction, writing, “the sexual object is a kind of reflection of the subject’s bisexual nature”.

    But if people in the past didn’t use the term ‘bi’, how did people attracted to more than one gender describe themselves?

    There is no simple answer to this question. Some didn’t use an identity label at all, preferring not to categorise their relationships. Some understood themselves as heterosexual, while others identified as gay or lesbian. Others described themselves using percentages or ratios, such as ‘60:40 gay:heterosexual’. When the term ‘gay’ was first popularised by gay liberationists in the 1970s, it often linked radical politics and same-gender attraction, but didn’t necessarily exclude people who were attracted to, or had relationships with, multiple genders.

    One interviewee I spoke to during my PhD recalled: “There was a general understanding that sexuality was some sort of spectrum, and that people would move along it from time to time”. It’s also important to note that this terminology is particular to English-speakers in the West, and that elsewhere in the world there has been a diverse range of approaches to sexuality and gender that often reject binary categorisations. In many cases, these approaches have been restricted or prohibited as a legacy of colonialism.

    It wasn’t until the late 1970s that the current meaning of bisexuality, meaning attraction to more than one gender, became widely accepted in the UK as “the more common usage”. Around this point, we started to see bi groups and events being established. The UK’s first bi group, London Bisexual Group, was formed in 1981, followed by other groups in Edinburgh (1984), Brighton (1985), Manchester (1986) and Glasgow (1988), as well as a London-based Bisexual Women’s Group. A magazine, Bi-Monthly, was founded, as well as two bi helplines in London and Edinburgh, and the UK’s longest continually-running LGBTQ+ community event, the annual BiCon.

    Bi terminology and politics have continued to evolve since the 1980s.

    The term ‘pansexual’ became popular in the 1990s in response to concerns about bisexuality upholding the gender binary, using the prefix ‘pan’ (‘all’) to suggest attraction that is not limited by gender. But this doesn’t mean that bi people are therefore only attracted to two genders. Some people attracted to more than one gender identify as both bi and pan, some as one or the other, and some as neither. The 1990 manifesto of Anything that Moves, a US bi magazine, explicitly stated that bisexuality shouldn’t be understood as binary: “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders”.

    Today, we still see the complex history of bisexuality and the shifting use of language being used to erase bi people’s identities, or suggest that they are a ‘phase’. This has hugely damaging effects on bi people and communities. Stonewall’s Bi Report shows that bi people often report not feeling welcome in LGBTQ+ spaces, and experience much higher rates of discrimination from within the LGBTQ+ community. 43% of bi people have never attended an LGBTQ+ space or event, compared to 29% of gay men and lesbians. Research also indicates that bi people are also more likely to experience poor mental health, in part because of this erasure and discrimination.

    Changing language should never be used as an excuse to dismiss or reject bi or pan people’s identities and attractions. One of my interviewees summed this up as: “Language evolves. September isn’t the seventh month. October isn’t the eighth month. Bisexual doesn’t mean two genders”.

    Instead, understanding how language and communities have evolved reminds us that there is exciting potential for further change and progress in the future, towards greater equality for bi people and other LGBTQ+ people. For me, exploring and understanding this change is what makes learning about our history so important – in LGBT+ History Month, and all year round.

    References and further reading

    • Bi Academic Intervention (ed), The Bisexual Imaginary: Representation, Identity and Desire (1997)
    • Shiri Eisner, Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution (2013)
    • Sigmund Freud translated by James Strachey, Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality: 1. The Sexual Aberrations (1915 edition)
    • Kate Harrad (ed), Purple Prose: Bisexuality in Britain (2016)
    • Henry Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex Volume I: Sexual Inversion (1897)
    • Clare Hemmings, Bisexual Spaces: A Geography of Sexuality and Gender (2002)
    • Lachlan MacDowall, ‘Historicising Contemporary Bisexuality’, Journal of Bisexuality (2009)
    • The Off Pink Collective (ed), Bisexual Horizons: Politics, Histories, Lives (1996)
    • Paula C. Rust, Bisexuality and the Challenge to Lesbian Politics (1995)
    • Martha Robinson Rhodes, ‘Bisexuality, Multiple-Gender-Attraction and Gay Liberation Politics in the 1970s’ (2020)
    • Merl Storr (ed), Bisexuality: A Critical Reader (1999)
    • Naomi Tucker (ed), Bisexual Politics: Theories, Queries and Visions (1995)

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Research confirms men with older brothers are more likely to be gay, suggesting same-sex attraction has a biological basis

    By and

    New research shows having a greater number of older brothers increases the probability of a person entering a same-sex union at some point in their lives.

    This finding, detailed in our paper published today in the Journal of Sex Research, offers a rare insight into the origins of sexual orientation.

    The origins of sexual orientation

    In recent decades, many countries have achieved remarkable progress towards equal treatment of LGBTIQ+ people, including greater public support and more protective legislation. But despite these encouraging developments, sexual minorities still experience high levels of stigma – and the origins of sexual orientation remain a matter of debate.

    A growing body of research is attempting to shed light on why some people experience same-sex sexual attraction and others don’t. These studies have substantial implications for public opinion and debate, and subsequently the treatment of LGBTIQ+ people.

    For example, we know people who view sexual orientation as a product of biological factors (such as hormones or genetics) are more likely to support sexual minorities and their civil rights, compared to those who view it as a product of social factors or individual choice.

    The fraternal birth order effect

    The “fraternal birth order effect” is one of the most well-documented patterns supporting a biological origin of human sexual orientation. This longstanding hypothesis proposes men’s propensity for homosexuality increases with the number of older biological brothers they have.

    This effect has been attributed to a mother’s immune reaction to proteins produced by a male foetus. The proteins enter the mother’s bloodstream and trigger the production of antibodies that influence the sexual development of subsequent children.

    These maternal antibodies accumulate over successive pregnancies with male foetuses, which means men with more older brothers are more likely to experience same-sex sexual attraction.

    However, previous research documenting the fraternal birth order effect has relied on small and selective participant samples, which has led some scholars to question the authenticity of the phenomenon. Indeed, no study of a representative population sample has supported its existence – until now.

    Our research

    Our research used unique data from Dutch population registers. These data allowed us to follow the life trajectories of more than nine million people born between 1940 and 1990.

    In previous studies we used this dataset to examine whether the gender of a married couple’s children affected the stability of their union, and to compare the academic performance of children raised by same- and different-sex couples. This time, we used it to provide a robust test of the fraternal birth order effect.

    While the data did not contain direct measures of individuals’ sexual orientation, they did indicate whether they ever entered a same-sex marriage or registered partnership. We used this information as a proxy for homosexuality.

    In the Netherlands, registered same-sex partnerships have been recognised since 1998, and same-sex marriage since 2001.

    What we found

    Our results show clear evidence of a fraternal birth order effect on homosexuality. Specifically, men with one older brother are 12% more likely to enter a same-sex union than men with one older sister, and 21% more likely than men with just one younger brother or sister.

    The birth order and total number of siblings matter too. Men who are the youngest sibling are more likely to enter a same-sex union than men who are the oldest sibling, and the differences grow larger as the total number of siblings increases.

    For example, the probability of a man entering a same-sex union is 41% greater if he has three older brothers, as opposed to three older sisters, and 80% greater than if he has three younger brothers.

    The chart below illustrates some of our findings, showing the number of men who entered same-sex unions among those with up to three siblings. The sex of older siblings wields a considerable influence over same-sex union formation. On the other hand, the sex of younger siblings plays little to no role.

    Data cover men born in the Netherlands between 1940 and 1990. The underlying statistical model accounts for birth year differences. This rules out the possibility that our results are due to age differences between the groups. Whiskers denote 95% confidence intervals.

    Unlike earlier studies which focused almost exclusively on men, we documented the same pattern of results among women. We found women are also more likely to enter a same-sex union if they have older brothers.

    This finding yields tentative support to arguments that maternal antibodies and foetal proteins also interact to influence womens’ sexual development.

    What does it all mean?

    Our results tell a clear and consistent story: the number and sex of one’s siblings play an important role in the development of their sexuality.

    This evidence aligns squarely with perspectives that emphasise sexual orientation as an innate trait and a reflection of a person’s true self, rather than a product of “lifestyle choices” or a “fashion trend” as some suggest.

    Of course, in an ideal society, the rights and respect people are afforded should not depend on whether their sexual identity is “innate” or “a choice”. But unfortunately, these issues still loom large in contemporary debate, further highlighting the importance of our findings.

    A biological basis for human sexuality suggests harmful practices like conversion therapy can’t alter someone’s sexual orientation. It also discredits claims homosexuality can be “taught” (such as through sexual diversity education at schools) or “passed on” (such as through same-sex couples adopting children).

    We acknowledge the diverging opinions on the value of research concerning the origins of human sexuality. Some feel such research is irrelevant because the findings should have no bearing on public attitudes or legislation, while others reject it for more hostile reasons.

    Like others before us, we consider this research essential. Understanding the mechanisms behind sexual orientation can offer insights into what makes people who they are, and helps normalise the full spectrum of human sexual diversity.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Should You Come Out To Your Doctor?

    Here’s Why Your Doctor Needs To Know If You’re LGBT+


    By Laken Brooks

    In 2017, Jaden Fields went to the gynecologist. Jaden worried that he might have fibroids or another serious medical issue, but the gynecologist dismissed both Jaden’s physical pain and his gender identity. Jaden is a transgender man and health advocate, and he recollects his experience in an Insider article: “The doctor said it’s a shame I would never be able to have children because ‘this kind of thing [gender-affirming hormone treatment] makes people sterile.’ Even though I came in complaining of pain in my uterus and was concerned about fibroids, she didn’t believe me and said maybe it wasn’t as bad as I claimed.”

    The threat of medical discrimination often dissuades LGBTQ+ people from coming out to medical professionals. Closeted patients may miss out on valuable health information if they don’t inform their doctor about their gender identity, sex, and sexual orientation.

    Should LGBTQ+ patients come out to their doctors? How can your practitioner offer you better medical care when they know about your gender identity and your sexual orientation?

    Why Some LGBTQ+ People Dread Medical Appointments

    An LGBTQ+ person may hesitate to come out to their gynecologist if they worry that their doctor will treat them unfairly based on their gender identity or sexual orientation. For example, Jaden told Insider that he had been mistreated during gynecologist visits on several occasions: “For years, I hadn’t been to the gynecologist because I didn’t want to go through the kinds of experiences I’ve had with medical providers in the past, like being misgendered, asked invasive questions, and not being given clear answers to [my medical] concerns.”

    Jaden’s experiences are part of a larger problem of transphobia and homophobia in the healthcare industry. Axios reports that over ⅓ of LGBTQ+ Americans say that they’ve had a negative experience at a doctor’s office. These experiences can include traumatic situations like sexual harassment, being misgendered, doctors who are uneducated about LGBTQ+ issues, and doctors who outright refuse to treat LGBTQ+ patients. LGBTQ+ people may feel even more uncomfortable when they’re visiting a gynecologist. Many doctors prioritize treating fibroids, endometriosis, and other menstrual conditions when these illnesses are prevent a woman from having biological children.

    This narrow focus on fertility and gender may isolate LGBTQ+ people. Jaden says, “My experience with that gynecologist soured me on even thinking about my reproductive health.” Many LGBTQ+ people report avoiding preventative treatments and gynecological screenings because they fear that they, too, will be judged, harassed, or misunderstood by their doctor. But when LGBTQ+ people don’t feel comfortable being open and honest with their doctors, they may not receive the reproductive care that they need.

    The Potential Benefits of Coming Out to Your Doctor

    If LGBTQ+ people worry about medical discrimination, they may wonder why they would need to risk coming out to their doctor in the first place. Some transgender men like Jaden may avoid visiting a gynecologist because the appointment may trigger gender dysphoria. If you’re a trans man, that distress can spike when someone refuses to call you by your pronouns or when a practitioner refers to your uterus as “women’s parts.”

    However, your doctor needs to know about your gender, sex, and sexuality to provide you with the best possible care. Different people need different doses of medicine depending on their metabolism. Sometimes, biological sex can impact the way your body reacts to medication. People who have vaginas tend to have more body fat than people born with penises; medication that is “fat-soluble” may take more or less time than expected to take effect. However, people who have penises may respond better to antifungal medicines because these patients have more gastric acid than patients who have vaginas.

    If a transgender person has menstrual problems or pelvic pain, they may wait to seek medical care until their symptoms become unbearable. But that patient may have a serious chronic condition. If a chronic illness like endometriosis is causing that patient’s pain, it is vital that they seek early diagnosis to prevent further tissue damage in the uterus, bowels, and other organs. Illnesses can worsen over time when they are left untreated, and living in pain can reduce a patient’s quality of life. When a transgender patient trusts that they will receive equal care, without discrimination, that patient may be more likely to seek prompt medical care.

    Sexually active LGBTQ+ patients who have a supportive doctor may feel more comfortable asking questions about safe sex and STI tests.

    Patients who are on hormone therapy will also need to consult their gynecologist. Some transgender men and nonbinary people opt for testosterone treatments. Patients can take testosterone alongside hormonal birth control or other hormone therapies. But if a gynecologist does not know that their patient is taking testosterone, they may accidentally prescribe unsafe or ineffective hormone treatments.

    Resources for LGBTQ+ Patients

    Gynecology visits can be vulnerable and distressing, especially for LGBTQ+ people. Coming out is a difficult choice. Some patients may not feel like they can trust their doctor with this personal information. If you’re seeking a supportive doctor in your area, consider asking your local LGBTQ+ center for recommendations. Some LGBTQ+ health centers provide gynecological exams, chest cancer screenings, and other gender-inclusive medical visits.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Why the Kinsey Scale still matters 70 years on

    — And what every queer person needs to know about it

    Two Barry sisters read review of the Alfred Kinsey Report on Women over the shoulder of Beverly Lawrence

    If you’re like most people, you’ve probably heard the phrase “sexuality is a spectrum”. In a way, we have Dr Alfred Kinsey to thank for that.

    By Matthias Walsh

    In 1948, American biologist Dr Kinsey and associates Wardell Pomeroy and Clyde Martin developed the Kinsey Scale. Also known as the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, the seven-point scale was created to represent the team’s findings from years of research – that human sexuality was not as black and white as it was originally thought to be.

    Kinsey’s highly controversial work ushered in a new era of studies on sexuality, thus earning him the title of “father of sexology”. But over 70 years later, does Kinsey’s work still hold up? Is the Kinsey scale still a reliable representation of the spectrum of sexual orientation? Or has it become a relic of the past?

    Who was Dr Kinsey?

    Dr Alfred Charles Kinsey was an American biologist and professor at Indiana University. Prior to his work on human sexual behaviour, Kinsey spent 20 years as an entomologist, collecting and identifying dozens of species of gall wasps.

    It wasn’t until the early 1930s that Kinsey became interested in the study of sexuality. At this point, he began teaching sexual education classes to graduate, senior, and married students, where he would also hand out questionnaires for his research on sexual histories.

    By 1947, Kinsey established the Institute for Sex Research (now known as the Kinsey Institute). Armed with financial support from the Rockefeller Foundation, Kinsey and his team pored over hundreds and thousands of sex histories to study sexual relationships and sexual behaviour in the human world.

    Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey and His Staff
    Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey (white shirt) working with his staff on the final phases of his book, Sexual Behavior in the Human Behavior (Getty)

    What is the Kinsey Scale?

    The Kinsey Scale is a visual representation of the research findings that Kinsey and company published in Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male (1948). Together with Sexual Behavior of the Human Female (1953), the two books became collectively known as the Kinsey Reports. Considered some of the most influential scientific books of the century, the Kinsey Reports sold almost 1 million copies and were translated to 13 languages.

    According to Discover Magazine, Kinsey’s research found that 37 per cent of men had been in a same-sex experience by the age of 45, while 13 per cent of women had had a same-sex encounter. As explained by the Kinsey Institute, the reports showed that “sexual behaviour, thoughts, and feelings towards the same or opposite sex were not always consistent across time”.

    As such, the Kinsey Scale broke free from what was the traditional categorisation of sexual orientation at the time – heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual – and instead presented the following broader seven-point rating system:

    0 – Exclusively heterosexual
    1 – Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
    2 – Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
    3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual
    4 – Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
    5 – Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
    6 – Exclusively homosexual
    X – No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

    “The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats”, wrote Kinsey in the report. “Not all things are black nor all things white…only the human mind invents categories to force facts into separate pigeonholes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning sexual behaviour the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex”.

    In short, Kinsey believed that sexual orientation was not as rigid as most people believed at the time. Instead, he saw that many people exhibited all types of sexual behaviour, even if it contradicted the labels with which they identified. As such, Kinsey sought to normalise the idea that sexual orientation is more akin to a spectrum than a strict binary.

    Understandably, upon its release, Kinsey’s research was met with a lot of controversy. For many, Kinsey’s insistence that humans could be more than either gay or straight was an affront to everything they knew about themselves. It also meant that once you exhibited some type of homosexual behaviour – even if you didn’t identify as a homosexual or experienced same-sex attraction – then you could find yourself in some very hot water.

    You have to remember that, at the time, homosexuality was considered illegal in most parts of the world, including the US and the UK. In fact, the main reference book in psychiatry, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), didn’t remove homosexuality from its list of diagnoses until the early 70s.

    An unidentified couple sit on the grass during the New York City Pride March, New York, New York, 1980s or 1990s. (Photo by Mariette Pathy Allen/Getty Images)

    Is the Kinsey Scale test accurate?

    So there is no such thing as a Kinsey Scale “test” or a Kinsey Scale “quiz”, per se. While it was once used to measure the balance of heterosexuality and homosexuality in a person relative to their history of sexual attraction and experience, it isn’t really used as a diagnostic tool anymore. Instead, think of it more as a representation of the sexual fluidity of human beings!

    But if you really wanted to, technically speaking, you can study the scale and decide on your position on it.

    Is the Kinsey Scale still relevant today?

    The short answer: yes and no.

    Kinsey and his associates moved the needle in terms of how a person’s sexual orientation is studied and understood. However, that doesn’t make their work infallible, especially when compared to what we know today.

    Here’s how the scale misses the mark:

    The scale fails to represent asexuals

    On the Kinsey Scale, asexuals are lumped under the “X” rating, which is defined as people who have had “no socio-sexual contacts or reactions”. However, for many asexuals, this is simply not an accurate representation.

    Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction to others. For many, asexuality is a sexual identity in the same way as being gay, lesbian, or bisexual are. It’s also considered an umbrella under which various forms of asexuality exist, from demisexuality (people who only feel sexually attracted to those they form emotional bonds with) to akoisexual (people who experience attraction but do not wish to have those feelings reciprocated).

    The scale conflates sexual attraction and sexual activity, while leaving out sexual identity

    Kinsey’s research focused mostly on the sexual behaviours that his interviewees acted upon. What he and his associates failed to consider was that sexual behaviour is not the same as sexual attraction. On top of this, one’s sexual feelings and behaviours do not necessarily reflect how one would identify.

    The scale implies that attraction to one sex cancels out attraction to another

    This is something that a lot of bisexual people have gripes with. The Kinsey Scale implies that the more attraction you have towards one gender, the less you have towards another. While behaviour can be measured (as in, you can count the number of sexual experiences a person has had), attraction is much harder to quantify.

    This implication is especially frustrating for bisexual people who often feel invalidated by both gay and straight people. Many bisexuals feel that if their attraction is not a 50-50 split between the same and the opposite sex, that their bisexuality is somewhat invalid.

    But take for example a bisexual woman who is attracted to both men and women but has only dated men exclusively. If you follow the scale, that woman is a “0 – exclusively heterosexual”, despite the fact that she feels sexual attraction to other women.

    Kinsey Scale bisexual
    People marching with anBi, a bisexual organisation, carry a bisexual flag in the 43rd L.A. Pride Parade in West Hollywood, California. (Getty)

    Is there another sexuality scale aside from the Kinsey Scale test?

    If you’re looking for a more nuanced model for identifying your sexual orientation, consider the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid and the Storms Scale. There are other scales out there – around 200 or so, in fact – but these two are by far the most popular.

    The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid was first introduced in 1978 by psychiatrist and sex researcher Dr Fritz Klein. Appearing in his book The Bisexual Option, the Klein Grid was created as a learning tool to give people a more holistic understanding of the complexity of human sexuality. The Grid is made up of seven variables and three situations – past, present, and ideal.

    The Storms Scale, on the other hand, was developed by psychologist Michael Storms in the early 80s. The scale focuses more on eroticism rather than sexual behaviour.

    Does the Kinsey Scale still matter?

    The Kinsey Scale was once a groundbreaking model of human sexuality at a time when the very idea of sexual orientation as anything but a binary was considered taboo. As such, it’s relevant in that it’s a seminal work in the field of sexology.

    It’s also important to note that, for some people, having some kind of label or system of identification helps those who are questioning to better understand who they are and to find their “tribe”. In this way, the scale can still be a useful tool for those who are still exploring their sexuality.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    The Search for Gay Genes

    — Should Queer People Support It?

    Efforts from scientists trying to identify “gay genes” are part of a longstanding, problematic tradition of research focused on how minority groups are genetically different.

    by and

    To many of us, the attractions of gay sex are pretty obvious. But some scientists continue to wonder why people do it. If gay sex isn’t reproductive, why hasn’t natural selection weeded out all the queers? Why, after all this evolutionary time, isn’t everybody straight?

    Increasingly, people think that sexuality is biologically innate. Sexual preferences shouldn’t be changed and they can’t be, simple as that. Per the famous Gaga refrain, we are “born this way.” Indeed, scientists may have helped to promote these beliefs. Some say not only that genes largely decide your sexuality, but also that genes help to explain why gay people exist at all.

    Case in point: A recent paper published in Nature Human Behavior looked to see whether genes associated with having gay sex are also associated with having more reproductive sex. Specifically, its scientists were curious whether ‘gay genes’ in straight people could help straight people to have sex with more partners. They found that they do, as the genetic markers found in gay people were also found in those who see themselves as open to new experiences and risk-takers. In a nutshell, gay genes may exist because they help straight people get over their inhibitions and get laid more. This might explain why evolution hasn’t gotten round to pruning away the gays yet.

    At this point, you might be laughing like us. But on a serious note, this study isn’t a one-off for this research team. In 2019, the same team published a study in Science about genes associated with ever having had gay sex. The study was highly publicized, receiving coverage from Nature, NYTimes, NPR and Slate. Outlets, quoting the study’s authors, proclaimed it to sound the death knell of the ‘gay gene.’

    Far from doing that, the study shifted from searching for a single gay gene to looking for many gay genes. Like the recent Nature Human Behavior study, the 2019 Science study was a ‘genome-wide association study’ (GWAS). Using fancy statistics, the latest technologies, and a massive data set involving half a million people, the 2019 study concluded that there are five genes significantly associated with ever having had gay sex, and that the cumulative effects of thousands of genes might help to explain differences in sexual behavior. In other words, while the ‘gay gene’ might be dead, long live the ‘gay genome.’

    Genetic research on sexuality and other complex behavior traits is growing fast. Some LGBTQ+ advocates claim it shows that being gay is “natural” and “not a choice,” and that the proliferation of sexual genetic research is something to straightforwardly celebrate.

    However, we think the implications of this research are far more complicated. While both the Nature Human Behavior and Science studies were conducted by LGBTQ+ scientists with good intentions, they join a longstanding and problematic tradition of research focused on showing how minority groups are genetically different.

    gay-genes-is-homosexuality-a-choice
    A celebration in San Francisco after the Supreme Court decided same-sex couples were entitled to federal benefits in June 2013.

    Genetic research on homosexuality began in earnest in the 1990s. Scientists claimed that genes on the X chromosomes are associated with male homosexuality. Long before then, ‘eugenics,’ or social movements to control human reproduction in order to increase the “fitness” of national populations, played a role in the oppression of gay people. Eugenics research reached its peak in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, leading to the forced sterilization and genocide of not only queer people, but also Jewish and disabled peoples in Nazi Germany, and largely Black, brown and immigrant peoples in the U.S. Even after the second world war, eugenic policies and movements continued to haunt LGBTQ+ communities. 

    Today, most research agrees that a person’s sexuality is formed through a combination of social, biological and environmental factors. Yet many across the political spectrum continue to describe sexual preferences as biologically innate and fixed at birth. Some researchers suggest that those who believe sexual preferences are inborn tend to have more tolerant attitudes towards gay men and lesbians.

    Others argue that “born this way” doesn’t actually increase people’s tolerance of sexual minorities. Instead, it is used to rationalize whatever beliefs people already have about sexuality, whether conservative or liberal. On one hand, it has helped to defend beliefs that queer people are less biologically fit, and therefore appropriate targets for reproductive control. On the other hand, “born this way” arguments have lent considerable support to LGBTQ+ advocacy. Campaigns to legally ban conversion therapy, a form of medical abuse that seeks to change someone’s sexual orientation, have successfully used “born this way” rhetoric to strengthen their cases.

    In any event, increasing ‘tolerance’ towards queer people isn’t the goal. Instead of being tolerated, queer people should be fully accepted, embraced and celebrated. Feminist scholar Suzanna Walters reminds us that attitudes of tolerance towards sexual minorities may do more harm than good by implicitly othering them. It is telling that while there has long been a search for a gay gene, “no one is looking for a straight gene.” Scientists feel no need to explain the existence of straight people because it is assumed that straight people belong. By contrast, sexual minorities need an evolutionary rationale in order to belong.

    Political scientist Joanna Wuest also notes that despite helping to ban conversion therapy, “born this way” arguments sometimes conflict with queer people’s own experiences. Many radical queers consider their sexual identity to be a choice entwined with their politics. Meanwhile, those with fluid identities and those who’ve questioned their sexuality for a long time have a hard time identifying with a picture of sexuality as stable, fixed, and innate. As political scientist Nina Hagel writes, “born this way” may uphold “untenable ideals of self-knowledge.” It may force people to get trapped on a side or pick a side before they are ready to.

    Scientists feel no need to explain the existence of straight people because it is assumed that straight people belong. By contrast, sexual minorities need an evolutionary rationale in order to belong.

    Soon after the publication of the 2019 Science study, an app claiming to be based on the study was developed that offered a “How Gay Are You?” genetic test through the online genetic prediction platform GenePlaza. We already see technology being developed that allows parents to pick embryos based on the embryos’ genomes and associated health risks. It is therefore not a far stretch of the imagination to also worry that genetic research on sexuality could eventually be used to develop tools to screen for and eliminate ‘gay embryos.’ 

    We’re not saying that scientists should avoid researching sexuality. Many of us are understandably curious about where our desires come from, and science can help us to better understand each other as long as their research meets high standards. We are saying there’s no guarantee that today’s search for a gay genome will support queer liberation. Believing sexuality to be biologically innate might lead some to see LGBTQ+ people as biologically unfit. It’s difficult to know, as the political consequences of science are often complexly dependent on historical context. But for every person who uses “born this way” to win legal battles for gay rights, we know there is someone else who uses it to paint gay people as bad seeds of the human race.

    Queer people should not uncritically celebrate research that gives new life to “born this way” arguments. Genetic research on sexuality is still in progress (and at this stage, a little laughable). Regardless, even if there is strong evidence we have yet to see, the idea that being gay is natural doesn’t guarantee the procurement of gay rights. It’s high time we moved the fight for LGBTQ+ recognition and survival away from the ‘nature versus nurture’ debate and into new directions. Millennials may have worshipped Lady Gaga, but many of us are ready to chant a new slogan.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Rare photos kept secret for over a century

    When Hugh Nini and Neal Treadwell stumbled across a photo from the 1920s of two men in a tender embrace they thought it was one-of-a-kind. But things changed when they found more photographs. The result of their unexpected discovery is a moving book, portraying male romance over the course of a century.

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    How to Explore Bisexuality If You’ve Only Ever Been in Gay Relationships

    From one queer to another, it’s a minefield out there.

    by Daisy Jones

    There are some wild misconceptions about bisexual people. The first is that you’re either secretly gay or just experimenting. The second is that you are always the sexuality of your current relationship. (If someone’s partner was ginger, you wouldn’t assume they only fancy ginger people, would you?) And the third is that all bisexual people find it hard to act on their queer feelings.

    Of course, that third point can be common (the world is still heteronormative, after all). But it’s not the Universal Bi Experience. Some bi or pansexual people have only ever been in same-gender relationships and wouldn’t even know where to begin when it comes to dating a different gender.

    As someone who has only ever been in long-term relationships with other women – but who doesn’t necessarily fancy one gender – non-gay culture often looks weird and complicated. Why are men sometimes mean to women they like, for example? Do straight people have “tops” and “bottoms”? Is flirting the same, regardless of gender?? Truly, it’s a minefield out there.

    With all of the above in mind, here’s a guide to exploring your bisexuality if you’ve only ever been in same-gender relationships, according to experts.

    Remember that there isn’t just one way to be bi

    The first thing a lot of bi people ask themselves is “but am I bi enough?” says Zachary Zane, sex columnist and sex expert for Promescent. Time to get rid of your preconceived notions about bisexuality. So what if you’ve only ever been in same-gender relationships? There isn’t some secret “bisexuality test” you need to pass.

    “Bisexuality is a spectrum,” says Zane. “All too often, we have this idea that being bi means you’re equally attracted to men and women. That’s not the case – it’s also exclusionary of nonbinary folks!”

    Maybe you’re romantically attracted to one gender, but sexually attracted to all genders. Maybe you only fancy more than one gender sometimes, but not always. It doesn’t matter. You’re bisexuality is still valid even if it doesn’t look like the next person’s.

    Apps! Apps! Apps!

    Not used to being in “straight” spaces? Wouldn’t know how to approach someone of a different gender? Wouldn’t want to be with someone who freaks out when you tell them you’ve only ever been in gay relationships? The great thing about no longer living in the nineties is that we get to bypass all of the aforementioned, with apps.

    “I’d state either in your bio or early upon talking to someone that you’ve only hooked up with people of the same gender, so this is new to you,” says Zane.

    “They may reject you afterward, and so be it, but otherwise, you’ll be nervous when meeting up or hooking up with someone of a different gender for the first time. You want to be as comfortable as possible during the meetup, and the best way to do that is to let them know you’re new to all this!”

    It can be helpful to date other bi folk

    On the other hand, if you can’t be arsed explaining to some straight girl or guy exactly how many times you’ve eaten pussy or dick, Zane says it can be helpful to mainly date or hook up with other bi folk.

    “My advice to everyone bi is to date other bi folk!” he says. “Especially if you’ve experienced biphobia when trying to date. That’s why I recommend listing you’re bi on your dating bios, so you attract other bi folks. As a woman you will get fetishised and constantly solicited for threesomes – just go ahead and block. As a guy, you’ll have signinant fewer matches when you list you’re bi, but you’ll notice you’ll match with many more bi folk, or you’ll match with men, women and non-binary folks who love dating bi guys!”

    You might feel uncomfortable at first – and that’s normal

    Every sexual and/or romantic experience is going to be different, regardless of gender or genitals or whatever else. That said, it’s normal and fine to feel nervous about hooking up or dating a different gender when you’re so used to living, laughing and loving with your own.

    “We have to allow ourselves to sit with that discomfort,” says Tawney Lara, a bisexual sober sex and relationships writer. “I’m a big fan of honesty and communication. Tell your date or potential hook-up that you’re nervous or anxious. If they’re cold about it, they’re not worth your time. If they’re willing to listen and help you talk or laugh through it, they’re worthy of you!”

    Remember: Dating a different gender doesn’t mean you’re no longer queer

    Just because you might enter a “straight-passing” relationship or hook up, doesn’t mean you’re going to immediately start chugging Bud Lights, listening to tropical house and throwing gender reveal parties. You’re just as queer as you were yesterday.

    “I experience biphobia from queer folks as much as I do from straight folks,” says Lara. “Bi folks are so misrepresented (until VERY recently) so that misunderstanding is somewhat understandable.”

    “I think a struggle that happens often is that you no longer feel like you’re queer,” adds Zane.

    “You’ll also struggle in gay spaces. I’m poly, and when I bring my boyfriend to the gay club, it’s awesome. When I bring my girlfriend, I feel like we’re strangers in this space, and we can’t make out otherwise we’ll appear like that disrespectful straight couple occupying a queer space. So my advice is to remember that you are still queer enough even when dating someone of the opposite gender and are in a ‘straight-passing’ relationship.”

    And finally… enjoy yourself

    Sex is supposed to be fun. That’s the whole point of it. It’s not a serious endeavour. It’s actually really weird and funny. So remember that even if you’re doing something new or unexpected, try not to overthink it too much.

    It’s kind of a privilege that anybody gets to share your body in the first place, so as long as everything’s safe and consenting, put your pleasure first.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!