For many years, Marija was happy but knew deep down something was missing in her relationships.
By Tahnee Jash
She had been in two long-term partnerships with men. The first led to marriage, and the second to a son.
It wasn’t until she was 40 that she met, and fell in love with, a woman.
“Before I came out, I met someone I decided to act on,” Marija, 76, tells ABC podcast, Ladies, We Need To Talk.
“That was a turning point that I wish to God I had done in my teens but then of course, I wouldn’t have had my son.”
She has now been in a committed relationship with a woman for the last 25 years.
‘I was afraid of being judged’
Marija, who came to Australia as a WWII refugee, says she was always attracted to women but wasn’t sure how her family would respond.
“[I come from a] migrant background and everyone was married, they were building up a new life in this country, and I don’t think my family would have understood,” she says.
“I was terribly afraid of being judged by them and losing their love.”
Marija had a great relationship with her second partner, who has since passed away, and when she made the decision to come out, he was very supportive.
“I think he suspected [it]. Then when I did tell him he kept saying, ‘The only thing that matters is your happiness’,” she says.
While Marija’s son took some time getting used to seeing his mum with another woman, he now has a great relationship with them both.
“He withdrew for a little while and then after he got to know my partner and realised that she wasn’t taking me away from [him and his dad] he did a flip and became her best friend.”
Sexuality is fluid and can change over time
When Marija was coming to terms with her identity 36 years ago, sexuality was not as openly discussed or understood.
“I had a very high-profile job with local newspapers and magazines, and I felt that that would have been jeopardised. In those days, comments about homosexuality were not very pleasant,” she says.
Dr Lisa Diamond, professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been researching sexual identity for over 30 years.
She says for many years, women were “socialised to think about female sexuality as shameful”.
“Most women develop an alienated relationship with their own sexuality because every time they have a sexual desire, they repress it,” she says.
Influences around us — from our family to the movies we watch — also encourage what we think.
“The idea is that there is this pressure on all women to be heterosexual and this inability to even think of anything else that prevents a lot of women from knowing what they actually want,” says Dr Diamond.
There’s also pressure to have this all worked out once you hit adulthood and is why some women come out later in life, especially after a big life event.
“The capacity for a same-sex relationship might have been there from the beginning but if you don’t have a chance to articulate that to yourself, then it might take a big life transition to wake up and actually ask yourself what you actually want,” Dr Diamond explains.
“We know that sexuality is a complicated spectrum that changes over time.”
‘Our focus was on the children’
Like Marija, Jennifer came out in her 40s.
She says her conservative, religious upbringing was part of the reason she couldn’t understand or explore her sexuality.
Her first experience of dating was in her late 20s, with her husband who she had two children with and was in a relationship for 24 years.
“Our focus was on the children, [not] on me. Having said that, I was struggling inside but I just put my energy on them and brushed myself aside,” Jennifer, 61, says.
It was after watching a documentary about lesbians in Melbourne that Jennifer experienced an epiphany.
Jennifer didn’t know what to do next.
“I [thought I] can’t tell anyone, I’m married. I’m going to have to hold this inside me and never say anything,” she says.
After suppressing this for two years, a fatal accident involving her brother pushed her feelings to the forefront and that’s the moment Jennifer decided to come out.
“It was like my subconscious was saying, ‘Come on, life is short you’ve got to do something about this’,” she says.
It was in the months that followed that she decided to come out to her family and friends. After sitting in her lounge room for four hours rehearsing what she was going to say, she finally worked up the courage to tell her husband.
“It was a relief for us both because it made sense to everything in our world,” Jennifer says.
“He [replied and said] ‘Yes, I reckon a lot of women feel this in middle age’ and that was it. It was like we could breathe.”
Coming out to the family
During a countryside drive, Jennifer decided to tell her children too.
“I’m very close to my children and I just knew they’d know there was something weird going on with me. So I chose [to tell them] driving in the car one day,” Jennifer says.
“The words [were] like this vomit coming and [I said], ‘I’ve got something to tell you’ and I said, ‘I’m gay,’ Jennifer says.
“One of them is just like, ‘stop the car [so I can] get out’ and the other one said, ‘we just want you to be happy’.”
Both her children came to accept her news and Jennifer has a great relationship with them today.
Going through this experience and learning more about herself, Jennifer says hersexuality is more about the individual, rather than a label.
“For me, it’s about fluidity so I don’t call myself a lesbian,” she says.
“It’s more about the person I’m with; I don’t like [using] categories.”
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