Category: Sex and Relationships

Posted on

17 Totally Normal Things to Experience in Your Relationship Right Now

The good, the bad, and the irritating.

By Anna Borges

It doesn’t take a scientist to know that the coronavirus crisis is rife with stressors and challenges that would shake up even the healthiest of relationships. Maybe the pandemic is acting as a pressure cooker for relationship problems you already had or maybe it’s serving as a playing field for new, unexpected discoveries. Hell, maybe the pandemic has even been good for your relationship and it’s kind of throwing you for a loop. Whatever it is, you might be wondering if your experience is normal. And while “normal” is pretty dang subjective, there’s a good chance you’re not the only one navigating new feelings about a relationship, positive or negative.

To help normalize the various ways the pandemic might be impacting your romantic relationships right now, I asked both therapists and everyday people to share what’s coming up in their sessions and their personal relationships too. If you can relate, you’re definitely not alone. (Some responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.)

1. You’re struggling more intensely with relationship problems.

You probably didn’t expect your problems to magically disappear because of the pandemic, but that doesn’t mean it’s not difficult to continue to struggle with them now. “When we go through a major crisis, it tends to highlight the things that couples have already been struggling with,” sex and relationships therapist Emily Jamea, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., L.P.C., tells SELF. “So couples who were already having some issues might see these things come to a head, whether it was a big issue like trying to recover from infidelity [or] smaller issues like arguing about finances or childcare.”

2. You’re anxious about fast-tracking your relationship.

When social distancing measures became stricter, many couples who didn’t live together were faced with the decision: Stay apart for an undefined amount of time or buckle down together. For those who chose to shack up, it’s natural to feel a lot of uncertainty, regardless of how things are going.

“My partner moved in with me at the end of March and it’s been going well,” Leigh M., 27, tells SELF. “But without the pandemic, I think we wouldn’t have moved in together for at least another year. It’s weird to think about and I’m worried that not being able to take this step intentionally instead of out of necessity will catch up with me.”

Speaking of moving in together, if you took the plunge because of the pandemic and are grappling with the decision, don’t be too hard on yourself. Relationship therapist Kiaundra Jackson, L.M.F.T., tells SELF that she’s seeing a few couples who are struggling with the pandemic move-in. “They came to me and they were embarrassed because things were rocky and they needed help already, but it’s okay,” she says. “This is an unprecedented time and it calls for different measures.”

3. You’re fighting more than ever.

There’s no understating how difficult things are right now, so plenty of couples who rarely fought before—or at least who considered themselves good at fighting constructively—are dealing with an expected surge of quarreling. “We slept in separate rooms for the first time in 10 years of marriage,” J.R., 39, tells SELF. “We both fought, both cried, and I was already panicking about divorce in the middle of a pandemic.”

Jamea notes that “divorce” is getting tossed around a lot in sessions with her clients too, but she cautions against making any major decisions amid the crisis, especially if this is the first time it’s coming up. “We don’t tend to think very clearly when our nervous systems are in overdrive and our anxiety is through the roof,” she says.

4. You’re handling being apart just fine (and you’re maybe kind of worried about it).

If you weren’t already living together and decided not to cohabitate through the pandemic, struggles around a newly “long-distance” relationship might seem pretty straightforward. You expect to miss each other, to fumble through virtual dates, and to work on stepping up your communication game. But those aren’t the only feelings coming up right now.

“It’s going on two months and I really have no idea where my relationship stands,” Rachel S., 31, tells SELF, adding that her friends in the same situation are really vocal about missing their partners while she’s more “eh.” “I like to think that this is a sign of a healthy relationship and secure attachment styles and what have you, but I also feel like maybe I should be missing him more,” she says. “I guess we’ll see.”

5. You’re feeling more appreciative of your partner than ever.

This list isn’t all doom and gloom, I promise. A pleasant side effect of the pandemic might just be that your appreciation for each other—and the work you put into your home, family, relationship, or career—has gone through the roof.

“Couples are taking a step back and looking at this, saying, ‘Wow, I never realized how much my partner was doing at home’ or ‘I can’t believe my partner is handling this with so much grace and flexibility’ or ‘My partner is so strong for showing up as an essential worker,’” says Jamea. And if you haven’t started noticing these things and taking the time to express appreciation, now is an excellent time to start.

6. You’re craving alone time.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but: No matter how much you love someone and enjoy spending time with them, OF COURSE YOU NEED ALONE TIME. Like a lot of experiences on this list, it’s not so much the feeling that’s notable as it is the inexplicable guilt that comes with the feeling.

So if you’re questioning whether it says something about you or your relationship that you’re not thrilled to suddenly be spending 24/7 together—especially with the stressors and pressures of a global pandemic—don’t worry. Space from a partner is healthy, says Jamea, and it makes sense you’d be feeling restless or irritable without that.

7. You’re thinking about your ex.

Nope, this isn’t a pandemic phenomenon limited to the singles out there. “I had a dark night where my husband had been getting on my nerves all week and all I could think was how my ex would be acting differently,” Lauren T., 29, tells SELF. “Which wasn’t true at all. Once I was done being emotional, I knew I was romanticizing him. That relationship sucked, but in the moment it was like, ‘My ex never chewed with his mouth open’ or ‘My ex wouldn’t make me put the kids to bed every night.’”

You might not even be comparing your ex to your current partner. “My boyfriend is a doctor so I spend a lot of time on my own and for some reason, I’ve been stalking my ex on Instagram out of boredom,” Hannah L., 35, tells SELF. “It’s not like I miss him. Quarantine makes us do wacky things, I guess.”

8. You’re feeling grateful—and guilty—to even have a relationship.

In a time when there’s a lot of suffering going on, it’s natural to think about the privileges we have—whether that’s still having a job, good health, or yep, a relationship to help get you through this. “I think a lot of people are aware of the fact that there’s a huge percentage of people who are truly alone during quarantine,” says Jamea. “So they’re feeling very lucky and don’t want to rub it in their single friends’ faces.”

9. Or you’re annoyed at the assumptions people make about how “lucky” you are to be in a relationship.

Of course, there’s a flip side to this. “People can easily perceive, ‘Oh, that person is so lucky,’” says Jamea. “They think, ‘They’ve got a partner to keep them company, they don’t have to deal with loneliness, they can entertain each other,’ without really realizing that a relationship brings its own set of issues and dilemmas.”

If you’re dealing with any of the negative emotions on this list, it can obviously be frustrating to have people diminish your experience and assume you’ve got it easy compared to them. “I feel for my single friends, but they don’t get it,” says Lauren. “I don’t want to whine about my struggles because I know they think being married right now automatically makes things better. But I’m jealous of my friends who live alone for this. The grass is always greener.”

10. You’re mourning the temporary nature of the situation.

As a reminder, feeling grateful for the positive aspects of our new normal doesn’t mean you’re grateful the pandemic happened in the first place, so there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the extra time you have to spend with your partner.

“A lot of couples who live their lives like two ships passing in the night and are so busy between their jobs or their commute or their kids haven’t gotten this kind of quality time together for a long time,” says Jamea. “I’ve heard from a lot of people that a weird part of them doesn’t want this to end and they’re already feeling sad that this isn’t permanent.”

11. You’re slacking on the couple stuff, tbh.

It might be easy to beat yourself up if you’re not “taking advantage” of sheltering in place to cook together more, have cute date nights, catch up on your sex life, or whatever you once told yourselves you’d do together when you had “more time.” But these are not exactly easy times to be on top of your couple game, whether you live apart or are isolated together but too busy dealing with the stresses of the pandemic.

“We are having a harder time being intentional with each other because there is no separation of when we are spending time together or when we are in the same room with each other,” Sam S., 26, tells SELF. “I feel like we don’t have a chance to miss each other. We used to go on hikes on Sundays and so now, it feels harder to find our replacement quarantine activity.”

12. You’re pausing future planning.

With so much uncertainty, most of us are living in a suspended present, making it feel impossible to figure out what next week will look like, let alone next year. “We have been talking about engagement and marriage and that conversation feels like it’s on hold since we don’t know when we will be able to plan a wedding,” says Sam.

13. You’re exasperated by the differences in how you and your partner are handling the pandemic.

Maybe your partner has started wanting to loosen up on social distancing now that the weather is getting better or maybe you wish they’d just stop scrolling through the news in bed. Whatever it is, you wouldn’t be the only one questioning a loved one’s judgment because of their pandemic choices.

“Some people feel their partner is putting them at risk, others think their partner is being too uptight and preventing them from enjoying life,” says Jamea. “These tensions are putting huge tolls on relationships because people feel like they’re seeing a new side of their partner.”

14. You’re dealing with various partnerships getting thrown out of whack.

On top of the other stuff on this list, non-monogamous or polyamorous couples face plenty of unique pandemic challenges, too. It’s important to recognize that it’s okay to be struggling with boundaries, communication, jealousy, or other challenges that can be particularly likely in non-monogamous relationships.

“I’m quarantined with my primary partner in a studio apartment, so maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend who lives elsewhere has been awkward,” Wendy X., 26, tells SELF. “Normally we’d go out together or meet at her place, and I don’t want to make my partner sit through my FaceTime dates. So for now, we mostly text and talk on G-Chat, and video call when my partner is in the shower or at the store.”

15. You’re pretty sure you’re going to break up when this is over, but you’re sticking it out.

Whether your relationship was already doomed before the pandemic or the pandemic is showing you things about your partner and relationship that you can’t unsee, now is a sucky time to go through a breakup. So some people are just…postponing it until later because they’d rather not deal with it now.

“What I’m seeing is that people are trying to coexist and cohabitate the best they can,” says Jackson. “They might know that more than likely, they’re not going to be with this person long term, but breaking up would cause even more stress right now, so they’re waiting it out.”

16. Or you’re closer than ever.

“A particular unexpected side effect has been the way I have uncorked my personality,” Alyssa D., 31, tells SELF. “I was sure there was nothing left to hide, but it turns out that my alone time is usually when I get out most of my Silly Alyssa energy.” Now that Alyssa doesn’t really have any alone time, her husband has a front-row seat to some of the “weirdo energy” he normally doesn’t see from her. “It’s kind of nice that even after 10 years together, I can be pleasantly surprised by how I relate to him,” she says.

17. You’re learning how to be a better partner.

Regardless of what personal struggles the pandemic poses for you and your relationships—and where you will stand on the other side of this—both Jamea and Jackson point out that this is a unique opportunity to learn about ourselves, our relationships, and how we handle crisis. “I do think that there is a little bit of a silver lining there if couples are able to look at it that way,” says Jamea.

Pay attention to what’s coming up for you and your partner. You don’t have to automatically act on what you notice, but there’s probably some useful information buried in your feelings, reactions, and experiences to all this. “This situation has really brought to the forefront the importance of healthy self-esteem, how our childhood and past relationships have brought us to this point, and the responsibility we have to work our own shit first instead of expecting others to magically know how to make us feel better,” says J.R. “Knowing why we do what we do has been fundamental to understanding how we can work on issues to improve them.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Futurists predict what your sex life may look like after the pandemic

By Anna Iovine

The macro effects of the coronavirus impact are undeniable: Hundreds of thousands of lives lost, mass unemployment, life seemingly suspended in midair. But the pandemic’s impacts have also rippled down to the minutiae of daily life, like social media behavior and messages on dating apps.

Uncertainty is now an inescapable presence. As someone who’s single, I often toil over what sex and dating will be like “after this is all over,” when and if it’s ever really over. While no one can know for sure, of course, I decided to ask futurists — people who stare uncertainty in the face for a living — for their thoughts.

Where we are now

First, let’s look at the present: Plenty of folks are still meeting people, whether virtually or by eschewing social distancing rules (and risking lives in the process) to meet up in-person. Dating apps raced to add features to keep users swiping or “liking,” from Hinge’s “Date From Home” menu to Bumble’s “Virtual Dating” badge.

Hell, even virtual orgies are a thing now.

Ross Dawson, futurist and co-author of the Future of Sex report, which was initially released in 2016, believes that the pandemic accelerated already-existing trends. Online dating was already the top way couples meet each other in the United States pre-pandemic. People have fallen in love through screens for decades now — and we’ve seen it’s not just about sex, but intimacy and engagement. Tech that allows you to hold hands from afar, for example, was a Kickstarter campaign in 2014.

What the pandemic did do, however, was push people to virtually date beyond chat. We’ve gotten creative while quarantining, now having dinner or watching a movie with a date over FaceTime. “That’s something that you are less likely to have done in the past,” said Dawson. “[You’re] sort of pushed into this situation where you’re trying to get to know each other or to build a relationship or engagement.”

“We are finding creative ways to connect intimately on all the other dimensions of intimacy.”

Dawson has actually been surprised about how slow-moving people have been with building these genuine relationships online. “It’s gone more slowly than I would have expected in terms of people really using these tools of communication and connection to engage, not just superficially with social media or chitchat or memes and stuff to ones which are truly engagement,” he said. “A lot of people are discovering the potential of this for the first time.”

Group chats are replacing bars and parties as “pick-up zones,” according to Bryony Cole, founder of Future of Sex and co-founder of Wheel of Foreplay, a game for intimacy during COVID. “The emergence of online sex parties and mixers is also allowing people to dip their toes into worlds they may have been hesitant to explore in the physical realm, like NSFW sex parties,” said Cole in an email to Mashable. 

Cole also thinks the pandemic has somewhat reverted dating into old fashioned courtship — getting to know each other before exchanging any touch or body fluids. Indeed, op-eds in the New York Times and Vanity Fair have celebrated this shift, and it’s been a running joke online that only being able to communicate virtually is rendering dating into a 21st-century Austenian story:

“We are finding creative ways to connect intimately on all the other dimensions of intimacy (emotional, intellectual, spiritual and shared experience),” wrote Cole, “whether that means swapping a recipe for the other person to cook, or actually cooking the dinner and getting it delivered to them, or divulging a deeply personal story.”

Cole believes the pandemic engendered an acceleration of an already-existing trend: The shift in sex culture. With the popularity of shows like Sex Education and Euphoria and Gwyneth Paltrow’s The Goop Lab exploring sexual wellness, it’s like our society was already primed for this shift according to Cole. 

The pandemic hasn’t changed futurist Faith Popcorn’s predictions on the future of sex and dating but, similar to Dawson and Cole, she envisions an acceleration. Popcorn, who established her futurist marketing consultancy BrainReserve in 1974, said this acceleration is already being seen in sex tech: Sales of teledildonics — smart sex toys that can be remote controlled by people on different continents — are increasing (just as sales of non-smart sex toys are). 

These spikes in sales could change VC attitudes of the sex tech industry for the better. “I have already seen a shift in attitudes with investors looking to dip their toes in the $30bn industry,” said Cole. “Previously there were challenges accessing funding because of the shame and taboo associated with sex, now it looks like an incredibly lucrative industry to be a part of, as we realize intimacy is essential.”

While these are largely positive shifts, the pandemic may be responsible for negatives as well. Popcorn pointed out that only 18 percent of couples are satisfied with communication during the pandemic. Unsurprisingly, the demand for couples therapy is up 48 percent, a Talkspace representative told Mashable.

But these are all occurrences happening now. What about when the pandemic is over?

The immediate aftermath

In the wake of the pandemic, Popcorn predicts a big spike in divorces; it’s already happening in China. Beyond that, she predicts a phased return — a term more often used in connection to coming back to work after time away. While people are craving sex and connection, they’re also scared that they could contract the virus. Popcorn said this will lead to health passports — certifications that a potential hook-up is virus free — being popular among singles. Those with antibodies will reenter the dating pool faster. 

Dawson also compared immediate post-pandemic sex and dating to working from home. Just as many companies will revert to a sort of midpoint — where not everyone is working from home anymore, but some people never return to the office — many people will go back to dating in real life right away, while others won’t.

Since far more people have experienced virtual dating, said Dawson, it’s now an option among the array of other dating options. He imitated someone’s future reasoning: “If it’s easier and it works, then yes, we can go out for a drink or a physical dinner. But maybe, for whatever reasons… let’s do a virtual dinner today. That’s actually gonna work because we’re an hour and a half away, let’s just try that instead.”

Another analogy Dawson gave was to international travel. Just as some people will be on the first flight to a foreign country, some people will seek out sex immediately — but not everyone. Others will stay put at home, and still others will not be so quick to touch and exchange bodily fluids.

In Cole’s observation of online discussion, she sees three groups emerging: “A first wave of people that are eager to get out there, a more cautious wave of folks who will only start to date when everything has opened back up and the government have okayed it, and another wave of people who may have found their new preference, to spend more time with themselves.”

She doesn’t foresee dating changing that much beyond the presence of video chat — but it depends on how long social distancing lasts. “If we were in lockdown for years instead of months, yes it would have an impact,” said Cole. “For now I expect to see normal dating patterns bounce back, albeit with some honed virtual flirting and sexting skills.”

Popcorn thinks that some people will retreat from relationships. They will experience what she calls armored cocooning, a segment of her general term cocooning, which is the need to protect oneself from the realities of the world. Armored cocooning is taking extreme measures to protect and prepare one’s household to survive and thrive. It includes necessities like food, education, and telemedicine. This coincide’s with Cole’s third group of (non)daters. 

Popcorn also foresees a level of hedonism, of people enjoying not only sex but drugs and alcohol, partying, indulging in food and purchases. Like non-monogamous relationship coach Effy Blue predicted, Popcorn said that some will buck the tradition of monogamy.

“We’ve looked in the face of the end of the world,” said Popcorn. “Monogamy? Come on. Savings accounts? Come on. Saddling my shoulders with a mortgage? No way.

“Monogamy? Come on. Savings accounts? Come on. Saddling my shoulders with a mortgage? No way.”

Dawson, too, believes that this experience could lead people to open their relationships. For him however, that’s because the pandemic came at a time where polyamory was already becoming more popular. “We’re at a social threshold,” said Dawson. “For sometime now there’s been more discussion, it’s become more acceptable, it’s become part of the conversation. The stigma is disappearing.”

“I think that this is part of that acceleration piece,” Dawson said on non-monogamy. “In the sense that it’s an existing trend reaching a threshold.” He’s unsure of how massive this specific acceleration will become, but the pandemic could act as a trigger of sorts; people who may have been interested in non-monogamy previously may actually go for it when the pandemic is over.

Looking further into the future

According to Popcorn, we’re all going to have varying degrees of PTSD after the pandemic, similar to living through a world war. This will not only make therapy — including therapy bots — essential, but it will impact our nerves, tempers, and subsequently our relationships.

The marriage rate in the US is already at an all-time low, and Popcorn believes it will sink further, as will the birth rate.

This is, at least partially, because parents see they may not always be able to regulate childcare to the educational system. “After farming, after we started coming to cities, people have found relief in send[ing] kids to school,” said Popcorn. “Now we’re seeing that maybe school will not shelter our children.”

When adding in the uncertainty of our future, the presence of climate change, more and more people may opt to be childfree. Furthermore, the massive job loss and healthcare uncertainty many people in the US are facing right now doesn’t bode well for a twenty-first century baby boom.

Cole agrees that birth rates will decline. “While some predict a baby boom because of isolation, if we look at history during times of economic uncertainty, we can assume the population will drop,” she said. 

Dawson and co-author Jenna Owsianik had several predictions about what the sex landscape may look like in the upcoming decades in their report. Here are two examples: First dates in motion capture worlds will become popular in 2022, and by 2024 people will be able to both be anybody and be with anybody in photo-realistic virtual worlds.

Dawson stands by the report, but believes one prediction may be thrusted forward due to the pandemic. By 2028, according to the report, over a quarter of young people will have had a long-distance sexual experience. “We might be able to push that forward a little bit,” said Dawson. Given that many people are opting to sext and send nudes now as opposed to risk meeting in real life, that’s certainly a possibility.

Both Dawson and Popcorn believe that human-robot relationships are the future. The Future of Sex report predicts that one in 10 young adults will have had sex with a humanoid robot in 2045, and Popcorn pointed out the rise of AI-fueled sexbots. Popcorn also foresees more “digisexuals,” people who consider technology integral to their sexuality.

“We must change and we can change.”

While this is speculation as of now, Dawson is optimistic about how the pandemic could be a catalyst for positive change. “This is a tremendous opportunity,” he said. “We must change and we can change, and in so many aspects including the nature of social relationships and how we connect and how we relate and engage and give each other pleasure.”

Cole, too, foresees positive moves going forward.

“We’ve moved on from shame,” she said, “we’ve gone beyond the giggles over vibrators from 90s Sex & The City, we’ve elevated our social sexual awareness with movements like #MeToo and #TimesUp, and now, the future of sex is set to blossom – both as an in industry, a cultural conversation and critical part of our lives.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sexual healing

– using lockdown to ignite desire

Home truths: sex boosts our mood and increases feelings of connection.

This could be the perfect time for couples to boost their sex life

By Karen Gurney

For many of us right now, sex couldn’t be further from our minds. Our usual routines have been turned upside down and the way we are living can be challenging for even the most harmonious of relationships. But what if we viewed this time as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reset and refresh our sex lives?

The fact that sex isn’t a priority for a large proportion of people fits with findings from sex research along with, well, common sense. Stress and anxiety are known to reduce our sexual desire and a preoccupation with the news, our finances, the health of our loved ones, or how much is in our store cupboards, can understandably slow the wheels of our sex life to a standstill.

But for some of us, the opposite happens. Sex boosts our mood and increases our feelings of connection and wellbeing. Some people are motivated to have sex to relieve stress or find that they naturally feel more sexual in times of fear and anxiety, so for them desire might be on the up and an important means of coping.

For the good of your relationship, it’s worth considering whether you know how each of you relates to sex in times of stress and make this knowledge explicit. How does dramatic change affect the libidos of you and your partner? What if one of you sees a rise and the other a fall in sexual appetite in the next few months? How can you manage this discrepancy? Research shows again and again that it’s not the difference that can be damaging, but the lack of discussion and acknowledgement around it.

It’s also useful to know a little bit about how desire actually works. We have been socialised to understand sexual desire as a drive, a feeling you have out of the blue. It’s true that many of us experience these feelings – and more so in the early years of a relationship – but this is certainly not the only way to experience desire, and definitely not the most common way in a long-term relationship.

Every day of the week I see evidence of the 34% of women and 15% of men in the UK with concerns about their lessening interest in sex as they arrive at my clinic for counselling. The truth about desire is that we don’t truly understand how it operates and, if we did, we’d manage our sex lives very differently indeed.

This is the opportunity we have ahead of us right now and some of us may be in the right headspace to take advantage of it.

It’s important to know that in long-term relationships, many people don’t ever feel like sex out of the blue, but instead need to have their desire triggered. These are the people who say to me in therapy: “I never feel like having sex, but when we do it’s great and I say to my partner, we should do this more often!” This is a normal manifestation of desire in a long-term relationship and not feeling like it from the outset shouldn’t be something to worry about.

Our societal expectations of desire have trickled down from the findings of sex science in the middle of the last century, as pioneers such as Alfred Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson made headlines with the study of human sexuality and how sex “worked”.

In sex research, the popular view of the time was that desire came first, before our bodies become aroused. When I speak to my clients for therapy, I hear the practical legacy of this societal understanding: “We don’t kiss passionately other than as part of sex”; “I never feel like it so I avoid going to bed at the same time as him/her so he/she doesn’t get the wrong idea.”

Over the decades, attitudes and understanding have progressed and we know now that sexual desire is a more complex process. Often we can start from a position that isn’t triggered by sexual longing alone, but other factors – think “stress relief” or “wanting to feel connected” or even “wanting to feel like it”. This motivation – which is neither a sex drive nor unbridled lust – encourages us to either make advances, or be open to advances in the right circumstances. Only once there is sexual stimuli – such as a passionate kiss – might desire then make an appearance. This means we’re often instinctively doing the very opposite of what our desire might need, and curtailing any opportunity we have to trigger it.

When I talk through these newer understandings of desire with my clients, it can be a complete game changer. Not only do they realise that they are not broken, but they understand that the way they have been managing their sex lives is all wrong.

Waiting to feel like it in the context of a busy life when you only have half an hour alone together a day and you’re both exhausted, does not constitute “the right circumstances” and is very unlikely to work anyhow. All the elements that we rely on to fuel sexual desire, such as novelty, a lack of pressure that “A must lead to B” and a lack of predictability, make it even more challenging in long-term relationships. Challenging, but not in the slightest bit impossible.

Another danger is to assume that sex should be the last thing on our minds at the moment, with so much else to worry about. Even though it is viewed in our society as a frivolous recreational pursuit, it is anything but. Sex meets psychological and relational needs, and sexual satisfaction has been shown to boost mood, self-esteem and wellbeing.

A good sex life has also been shown to act as a buffer against a drop in relationship satisfaction – and I think we can all agree that feeling connected to our partners and experiencing improved psychological wellbeing are important right now.

In this sense, there is no better time for many couples to nourish their desire. Long-term monogamous relationships bring with them the most challenges for maintaining desire – especially for women – and there are many reasons for this. One is the dilution of our roles as sexual partners by the prevalence of other less sexy roles, such as being housemates or co-parents.

Many of us currently find ourselves suddenly seeing an increase in the amount of childcare in our day, or by the introduction of a new role at home together – as work colleagues. These changes are necessary and temporary, but risk the squeezing out of any time we might have left to relate to each other as sexual partners.

There are two ways we can respond to this. One is to increase the moments in the day we relate to each other as sexual partners, which I call “sexual currency”. Sexual currency can be defined as anything that’s not “sex”, but you would only do with a partner. It might look like a five-second lingering kiss rather than a peck on the cheek, a suggestive glance, a compliment, an unexpected touch as you pass each other in the kitchen. Sexual currency not only marks out and reminds you both of your role as sexual partners, but can also be a stepping stone to a natural transition to more sexual ground, should you wish to head in that direction. Sexual currency is also, of course, a trigger for desire.

The second change you could make is thinking about how you spend the time you have together. Research tells us that couples who engage in challenging, exciting or fun activities together have more desire than couples who spend that time doing something else (think Netflix). This means that swapping one of those evenings watching TV to cook something elaborate together, play a game or even planning where you’ll go when you can finally travel again, could be just what you need to feel connected sexually.

Only you can know whether this time is fertile ground for your sex life or not – and whether you use these weeks to nurture it, or put it on hold. One thing is for sure – your sex life is unlikely to be unaffected by the strange and difficult times we find ourselves in

Dr Karen’s top three tips for boosting desire

Stop Faking It Faking orgasms reinforces the sexual scripts we currently have available to us by creating the illusion that women are just as satisfied by the way sex is happening as men are. Faking it also affirms the false belief held by society that most women can come from penetrative sex.

Plan time for each other The mistake many couples make is waiting for desire to emerge without doing anything to encourage it, so no desire emerges. The key thing here is that having a good sex life is not always about needing to be on the same page, or wanting as much sex as your partner, but the success with which you navigate these differences.

Plan time for yourself Masturbation provides a great opportunity for people to enjoy their sexuality outside of a relationship, connect with their sexuality, know what works for them, and trigger arousal and desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why couples are having less sex during the pandemic

— and what they can do to change it

By Kristyn Martin

“Not a human being on this planet is built for 24/7 with somebody else,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. (Photo illustration by Nathalie Cruz, Yahoo Life)

Studies show that couples are having less sex during the pandemic, even though experts say the health benefits of sex are exactly what is needed during these stressful times.

The Kinsey Institute released a study called “Sex and Relationships in the Time of COVID-19” showing that half of the 1,200 participants are having less sex since the pandemic began.

“There’s all this rhetoric around, everyone’s watching more porn and everyone’s buying more sex toys and then there’s going to be this baby boom,” Isharna Walsh, founder and CEO of the sex and intimacy app Coral, tells Yahoo Life.

“But I think the reality of what we’re seeing from the surveys and polls that we’re running is that people are having less sex and they’re masturbating less, but they feel that it’s even more important,” she says.

In an April survey of 700 users, Coral found that 66 percent of respondents say intimacy and connection feels more important since the start of the pandemic, but 38 percent say they are having sex less often. Walsh describes tension in many relationships right now during the pandemic, with new sources of stress that she describes as “a pressure cooker.” 

“There’s no space from our partner and spaces are often what creates that desire and eroticism. We don’t get to see our partner from afar in this current context. So a lot of people are struggling with desire,” she says. 

Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and the chief scientific adviser to dating site Match.com, says the realities of spending so much time with a significant other during the pandemic is simply not natural. She tells Yahoo Life that for millions of years, couples lived in hunter and gatherer groups where the men would go on hunting expeditions and be gone for several days in a row. 

“We were not built for 24/7, she says,” “Even in the finest of relationships, you’re going to need to alter your daily habits in various ways that meet this crisis,” she says.

Our @kinseyinstitute research finds that many people are reporting declines in their sex life & relationship right now, but some are reporting improvements. People are more likely to report improvement to the extent that they tried new sexual activities. https://t.co/WIxpHgd4l3

— Justin Lehmiller (@JustinLehmiller) May 5, 2020

She and her boyfriend found a solution to this problem.

Every day, they come up with a schedule for the day: “We set a schedule. We have our safe spaces. We know when we’re going to work. We know when we’re going to play. And, we know when we’re going to make love,” she says.

Even before the pandemic, Fisher and her boyfriend employed this sort of schedule. She says the routine – and the respect of each other’s time and boundaries — has helped them to navigate. “When I have to walk within three feet of him to go to the kitchen or various other things, I never look at him. I never talk to him. If I want to ask him a question, I say, ‘Sweetie, can I interrupt you for a minute?’”

And then when the time comes to be together, Fisher says it’s more exciting.

“You just can’t be spontaneous right now under the circumstances,” says Chris Kraft, director of clinical services at the Johns Hopkins University. He says that as the pandemic nears the two-month mark, couples who initially enjoyed being together during the stay-at-home orders tell him that things are changing.

“They’re starting to feel very self-conscious about their body image, being healthy, being active, not working out,” he says. “I’m seeing more of that become preventative to intimacy and being sexual for some longer-term couples in the epidemic.”

He says stress and anxiety often decreases sexual desire, especially for women. “Very few women turn to being sexual when they’re stressed,” he says. “The stress and the increased anxiety, frustrations, isolation factors are probably harder on female members of a couple as far as affecting their desire.”

And if a couple is raising children, Kraft says sex is a real challenge. His advice: plan, plan, plan.

“I’ve got a couple of couples that’ll be intimate early in the morning because the kids aren’t really up. In fact, earlier in the day is a better time to be sexual than later, after they were tired and worn down from a day,” he says.

Walsh says the most important thing for couples to realize during the pandemic is that sex is critical to wellness. 

“Right now, especially when we’re surrounded by health concerns and potentially death, intimacy can feel like an indulgence and pleasure might feel like a priority that doesn’t make sense, but it’s incredibly important for physical and mental health.”

Fisher agrees.

“We’ve evolved three distinctly different brain systems for mating and reproduction. One is the sex drive. The second is feelings of intense romantic love, and the third is feelings of deep attachment,” she says. “When you actually get in bed with somebody and have sex with somebody, you can stimulate all three of these basic brain systems … and they’re all very good for you.”

How good? Really good.

Fisher says the benefits of regular sex with someone you love increases energy, focus, motivation and optimism, increases pain threshold, boosts the immune system, is good for heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, promotes sleep, lowers the stress hormone cortisol, increases dopamine (associated with feelings of intense romantic love) and elevates mood. “The reason that it elevates mood is because in seminal fluid are all kinds of chemicals that are very good for the brain,” she says.

“And with orgasm, there’s a real flood of oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is associated with feelings of trust and attachment.”

Fisher says catastrophes like the pandemic push people to assess their relationships and make decisions. “Sex is a very central part of most relationships. If it’s bad, it will get worse. And if it’s good, it will get better.”

Walsh says the Coral app has seen a 60 percent spike in new users in April. She says the app, which includes exercises for partners to increase intimacy, is one way to consciously cultivate and work on our sex lives. 

“I think people are thinking about their relationships. They’re recognizing the value of their relationships,  and they’re now thinking more about ‘How do I invest in this?’ ‘How do I improve it?’” says Walsh. “I think giving permission to prioritize it is really important.”

Here are expert tips to boost intimacy during the pandemic:

  • Continuity:  Kraft says having sex regularly is critical. “I think the sweet spot is once a week if people can maintain it.” But Dr. Fisher says studies she’s conducted show both men and women believe having sex two to three times per week is ideal.
  • Plan to have sex: “If you don’t have kids or you’ve got the opportunity to get rid of the kids for the night to the grandparents — have a date night. Get dressed up, you look nice, you make an effort to turn all of the devices off and set a mood, to delineate intimate time from everyday time,” says Walsh. Kraft says having planned times for intimacy can also create something to look forward to and can help build desire.
  • Create intimacy: Kraft recommends creating a space to be together in circumstances that might lead to intimacy. “Maybe it’s a walk, maybe it’s laying and cuddling or massaging and just sort of connecting in bed … and then let that grow,” he says. Walsh recommends a massage or a bath together with candles. “Something where you can create a bit of space where the pressure is off to allow both people to opt in to coming together in a sensual setting,” she says.
  • Self-care: “Self-care is crucial to manage stress and anxiety,” says Kraft. He recommends meditation, exercise, connecting with friends and family and being playful with each other.
  • Communicate: Some of the big things that people fight about in relationships are money, children, in-laws and sex. “And if you are in a relationship where you fight about sex, this lockdown is going to be probably more difficult because you don’t have any excuses,” says Dr. Fisher.  Dr. Kraft agrees: “Bottom line is that the emphasis always needs to be on the communication, the talking, checking in about the sex life,” he says. “Because it really has to be done as a team. … It can’t be one person trying to drive at all,” he says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Xs & Os:

Couples Who Regularly Show Physical Affection Have Happier Relationships

by John Anderer

Cuddling, hugging, and touching that doesn’t lead to sex can help build a stronger and happier relationship and marriage, according to a new study conducted at Binghamton University. The research team examined the effect of non-sexual physical intimacy on relationship satisfaction across a variety of attachment styles.

One’s “attachment style” refers to how comfortable a person is regarding both physical and emotional intimacy. Some people crave such affection, while others are more reserved and selective. These tendencies usually develop within a person during their childhood, but they can also change over time as well.

“It all depends on how open, close and secure you feel with that person, which is impacted by many, many factors,” explains study leader Samantha Wagner, a Binghamton University doctoral student in psychology, in a release.

To examine the connection between marital or relationship satisfaction, attachment style, and touch satisfaction, a group of 184 couples were gathered for the study. All participants were over the age of 18, and no same-sex couples were included. People receiving hormone therapy, and pregnant or breastfeeding women, were also excluded due to the study including hormonal sampling.

Each participant was interviewed separately and asked about their attachment style, the usual amount of touching and affection in their relationship, and their overall happiness with the relationship.

Before starting the study, researchers expected to find that avoidant people wouldn’t enjoy being touched and anxious people would like more physical affection. The findings, though, weren’t as cut and dry as expected.

Regardless of attachment styles, the more a couple reported showing physical affection towards one another, the more satisfied they felt with their partner’s touch. Anxious husbands tended to be less satisfied with their wife’s touch if physical affection was infrequent, but the same relationship wasn’t observed in anxious women. This suggests, according to the study’s authors, that women may look for missing affection more naturally.

Higher overall levels of physical intimacy were linked to more relationship satisfaction in men, and low levels of physical intimacy were linked to relationship dissatisfaction in women. It’s subtle, but researchers believe those two findings point to distinct differences in the genders. For men, physical intimacy is a nice extra, but for women it’s a necessity.

“There’s something specific about touch satisfaction that interplays with relationship satisfaction but not dissatisfaction for wives,” Wagner notes.

Additionally, regardless of attachment styles, touch perception was associated with “touch satisfaction.” Essentially, this means more touching is beneficial because it helps partners communicate without actually speaking. All in all, researchers believe their work indicates non-sexual physical affection can help build a strong relationship.

“Interestingly, there’s some evidence that holding your partner’s hand while you’re arguing de-escalates the argument and makes it more productive,” Wagner comments.

Just like anything else, there are exceptions to these observations. Someone with physical abuse in their past may not react positively to lots of touching, for example.

“Feel free to give some extra snugs on the couch. There’s plenty of evidence that suggests touch as a way to decrease stress,” she concludes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What it’s like to be sharing a polyamorous home during lockdown

Love in the time of coronavirus is tough enough for two. Adding a third or fourth romantic partner to the quarantine equation only makes life more complicated.

by Abby Moss

Quarantine is putting a lot of strain on people in relationships. For long-term couples, being trapped under the same roof 24/7 is inevitably going to cause friction. And while people might have entered lockdown expecting daytime sex and boozy lunches, many have ended up with arguments over whose turn it is to go queue at the supermarket. Divorce rates went through the roof in China post lockdown, and there’s no reason to expect things will be any different in the UK. For people in the early days of a relationship, it’s even tougher. There’s only so much phone sex you can have before things start to go stale.

For people in polyamorous relationships these complications are multiplied, and quarantine has forced some tough decisions. Some polyamorous people have been forced to choose one (or more than one) partner over others, while others have taken the choice to quarantine together. Polyamorous relationships aren’t exactly mainstream, and polyamorous individuals are more likely to reject traditional labels for their sexualities. However, the concept of exploring sex and relationships outside of monogamy is certainly on the rise. Five percent of people in relationships report practicing some form of consensual non-monogamy and dating app Feeld — dubbed ‘Tinder for threesomes’ — is reportedly thriving.

Billy Procida is the host of The Manwhore Podcast and has been in his current polyamorous relationship for 10 months. Billy lives in Brooklyn but is currently quarantined in Jersey City with his girlfriend Megan and Megan’s partner Kyle. “I figured if I’m going to be stuck somewhere, I’d rather be stuck with someone I love,” Billy tells me over the phone. Their quarantine started out on a trial basis when Billy happened to be in the area after a comedy gig, before a full lockdown was announced. Billy explains that they wanted to test the waters first and make sure the arrangement worked for everyone. The longest amount of time he and Megan had spent together prior to lockdown was on a five-day road trip. Luckily, they realised the set up was going to work out, and they’re now over a month into being quarantined together.

“People think it’s a 24-hour fuck fest, but, I don’t know, something about a global pandemic being mishandled by the most powerful world leaders… yeah, that doesn’t make me feel so horny.”

Unlike some poly couples, Billy, Megan and Kyle are not all in a relationship together, but rather in a “V formation”, in other words, Billy and Kyle are not in a relationship with each other. I wanted to know if this caused any animosity between them. “Not at all,” says Billy instantly. “The only beef he’s had with me is ‘cause I’m kind of messy. Or he might be like ‘Billy can you crack a window if you’re gonna smoke weed in here?’” The dynamic isn’t all that different to being in a house share.

Billy doesn’t feel that his quarantine experience is all that different from that of monogamous couples. “I mean, we’re all still sitting around here in our sweatpants watching Netflix,“ he explains. “People think it’s a 24-hour fuck fest, but, I don’t know, something about a global pandemic being mishandled by the most powerful world leaders… yeah, that doesn’t make me feel so horny.” Quarantine has, however, helped him think up new ways of showing affection and expressing his feelings. “I’m naturally quite romantic,” he says. “I’ve had to think of new ways to be romantic, which in quarantine might just be something small like making her a cup of matcha tea for when she wakes up. Or perhaps an act of love could just be giving Megan some time and space to be by herself.”

Claire (not her real name) has been married for three years. When full lockdown was announced, Claire, her husband, and their girlfriend of six months chose not to quarantine together. “We did discuss it, but we all decided it was too soon to be doing that, that it would put too much pressure on the relationship,” she explained. “But now that we’ve been apart for a few weeks it’s made us realise how much we all mean to each other. We’re all really missing each other and it’s been tough.” They have been regularly catching up on FaceTime and having virtual date nights, but Claire is worried for the future of the relationship. “I really feel for anyone in a new relationship right now,” she says. “Ours is no different, it’s still got that new relationship feeling, we’re still excited by one another, and trying to keep that spark going while we’re physically separated is hard.”

For Daniel Saynt — founder of New York sex club NSFW — the quarantine has left him and his relationships in limbo. Daniel was on vacation with one of his partners when the full lockdown was announced and the pair are now stuck on St Maarten. “I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo,” Daniel explains over email. “Like I’m in poly purgatory. I’m very happy to be with one of my partners, but I am severely missing my other partners and hope I can see them again before the connection diminishes.” Being with just one partner for an extended period isn’t something Daniel is used to. I wanted to know what quarantine had taught him about relationships, connection, and intimacy. “Being forced to be ‘monogamish’ has been a lesson for me,“ he says. I know I’m capable of being with one person, but it’s not what I want. And not getting what I want has taught me a lot about patience, acceptance, and how I love. I’m still very much in lust and love with the partner who is with me, but it’s a relationship based on restrictions out of our control. Will we still feel this way once the world becomes available to us?”

In the weeks and months to come the world will begin to return to normal. Once going on Tinder dates and meeting matches from Feeld becomes a possibility, how many relationships, (monogamous or poly) will survive? “We keep joking that if we can survive this, they’ll be no breaking us up,” says Claire. “We’ll be the toughest triad going. But for now, we’re just taking it day by day, just like the rest of the world.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What It’s Like to Break Up With a Sex Work Client You Fell For

“I was happy to pursue a flirty friendship with someone who I thought could be much more to me than just someone who paid for nudes.”

by Sofia Barrett-Ibarria

Like any other job, sex work can be exciting, dynamic, and stimulating—and deeply frustrating, disheartening, and painfully boring. It differs, though, in that it’s often based on intimately personal interactions. Work closely with enough people, and there’s a high probability of hitting it off, on some level, with a few clients.

These intimate bonds are one of the joys of sex work, but they can also be tricky. Sex workers often enforce strict boundaries for their own safety, and while finding a personal connection with a trusted client can feel refreshing, this can still be professionally and emotionally risky. Getting too close can blur the line between paid companion and personal friend, and, in rare cases, a transactional relationship can start to feel like something more. But work is work, and navigating this ambiguous emotional territory with a client can become too complicated, or too painful, to continue. When things get too personal, it may be time to say goodbye—which can come with complex feelings.

I was streaming a live cam show when I first met Jamie, whose name has been changed to protect his privacy. After throwing me some generous tips in my public chat, he requested a private cam-to-cam show. The slightly upward angle of his webcam wasn’t the most flattering, but, even hunched over his computer and stroking his penis, he was undeniably hot.

Jamie sent me a message immediately after the session concluded to thank me, then bought a custom video and several nude photos. He asked to see me again soon for a longer video session. I was thrilled: I’d not only locked down an exceptionally sweet, respectful new regular who tipped well, but one I felt instant chemistry with. We sexted nonstop for the next few days—and also talked about our favorite horror movies and podcasts, even sharing our experiences as survivors of sexual assault. Interacting with my regulars was part of the job, and it always felt like a job, but talking to Jamie was different. I was completely infatuated.

According to Jamie’s Twitter profile, he lived in another state, and I knew he had a young kid and a serious girlfriend, so the chances of ever meeting my new crush in person were slim. Still, I was happy to pursue a flirty friendship with someone who, under different circumstances, I thought could be much more to me than just someone who paid for nudes.

After a few weeks, my conversations with Jamie became sporadic. He’d occasionally resurface to tell me he missed me, pop into my chatroom and call me his favorite girl, or ask for a phone call just to hear my voice. After a few weeks when I sent him several unanswered messages, I stopped pursuing him. Our “breakup” was more of a slow, painful fade-out, but I was still hurt and embarrassed that I’d let myself develop a crush on a guy from my chatroom when I was supposed to be doing my job. I wanted to get paid, and I also really wanted him to like me.

I miss our conversations and the filthy sexts that made me blush, though now that Jamie no longer visits my chatroom, I miss his money more.

Hara Lim, a sex worker in Long Beach, California who recently ended an eight-year relationship with her sugar daddy, said some sex workers she knows refuse to offer “girlfriend experience” or similar services that might offer clients the opportunity to get too close. “Sex work can be a lot of intimacy, and you spend so much time with these johns,” Lim said. She believes anyone who performs this kind of intimate work could potentially develop genuine feelings for their client, regardless of their experience level.

“Relationships sex workers form with clients can be genuine, but the money is always the bottom line, said Luna Luz, an artist and sex worker based in Pittsburgh. Luz said that when she or clients start to feel confused about that, it’s time to say goodbye, but admitted, “It’s a little bit trickier when you build a genuine fondness and a real bond with them.” She was new to phone sex when she became close with one of her first callers. “Being able to just have pleasant conversations with someone while getting paid was amazing,” Luz said. “Between conversations about his particular fetish, we would just recount our everyday lives to each other,” Luz said.

After about a month, Luz’s client worried about how much he spent on their calls. “He offered to call only about his fetish, and that any other conversation could be through Twitter,” she said. As much as Luz enjoyed talking to him, she wasn’t sure if she could afford to keep chatting outside of her paid line. “I made it very clear that, even if the emotional labor is pleasant, it’s still labor that must be paid for,” Luz said. “I could sense his sadness about it, but he understood.” The next day, his profile was gone. “Because it was my first time experiencing this with a client that I built a genuine fondness for, it did sting sort of like a breakup, or the end of a friendship. I had to get used to not having that interaction with him every day,” said Luz. “[But] the longer I’ve been in sex work, the easier it gets to accept that these sorts of relationships eventually come to an end.”

Beyond mutual camaraderie, genuinely romantic feelings can blur professional lines for both sex workers and their clients. Twenty-nine-year-old cam model and professional dominatrix Julia Ryan was 19 and fairly new to sex work when a madame friend introduced her to a client who was attractive, successful, and generous. “He lived in Texas, so he would come out to see me in Tennessee four to five times a month,” Ryan said. “He always took me to the most amazing restaurants and bought me gifts.” Ryan fell hard. “The sex was out of this world—I was gaga over him. He made me feel so special, and even talked about marriage.”

Ryan believed he loved her, but she couldn’t shake the suspicion that he was too good to be true. During one of their last dates, the client stopped to make a quick run into a store, leaving Ryan alone in his car. She dug into the glove compartment, where she found insurance paperwork with another woman’s name on it. “I Googled her later and found all her social media and her business stuff,” said Ryan. “He led me to think he was single and just worked a lot, and hid the fact that he had a full-blown family.” Ryan was furious and hurt. “I confronted him and slapped him across the face. I was so mad, I ripped up the envelope of money he gave me that final night.” The client didn’t argue with her or try to defend his behavior, and after he walked away, they never spoke again. “I blocked him on everything—total ghost mode,” said Ryan. Despite how hurt she felt, she still remembers their relationship somewhat fondly: “He was the first guy to ever make me squirt across the room,” she said.

As in my case, losing a favorite client can be more bittersweet than explosive. Lorence Vennes, a sex worker in Vancouver, was both happy and heartbroken when one client decided it was time to move on. “When we first met, he was shy and reserved. It made me weak in the knees,” she said. “I related to that shyness.” Over time, Vennes’s client started feeling more comfortable around her, and their conversations became personal. “I really began to enjoy being by his side. I remember us cheering each other on in our goals,” Vennes said. “He was an amazing cook. He often gave me extra homemade jams and jellies he made, while telling me about these free online university courses he listened to while preparing them.”

After a few years, Vennes was surprised when her client said they needed to have a serious, strictly platonic talk. “My palms immediately got sweaty,” she said. The client said he could no longer see Vennes, because, thanks to her, he’d met someone. “He explained that during the talks he and I shared over the years, he had gained the confidence to date and ask for what he wanted in a relationship. He had met a partner to share that journey with. It was beautiful to see him take that leap of faith.” Vennes and her client no longer keep in touch, but she cherishes the time they spent together. “I still think of him and smile, and I wish him the best,” Vennes said. “A heartbreak can sometimes be unexpectedly sweet.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The cuckolding fetish

This is what it really is

By

The type of consensual non-monogamy, explained.

“Cuckolding” is one of those sex terms that you’ve probably seen pop up somewhere on the internet (hello, porn sites), but you might never have known what it actually means. As the world becomes more woke to all kinds of monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between, people are becoming more and more open about enjoying cuckolding in the bedroom. So, here’s everything you need to know.

What is cuckolding?

Cuckolding is essentially a form of consensual non-monogamy, where one partner watches their lover having sex with another person. Often, cuckolding involves the observing partner (known as the cuckold) being present in the room while they watch, but they could also observe by being sent messages or photos of what is happening.

How is cuckolding different from polyamory?

Cuckolding differs from other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as it’s all focused on watching what’s happening. Other kinds of CNM include polyamory, where someone has multiple romantic partners, but cuckolding is usually purely sexual rather than romantic. Another kind of CNM is swinging, where couples swap sexual partners, but when it comes to cuckolding, the person observing usually doesn’t physically participate in any sexual activity.

What is the history of cuckolding?

The word “cuckold” is derived from the cuckoo bird, which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests, meaning that the birds go on to raise chicks that aren’t their own. “Cuckold” was first used in medieval times to describe the husband of an unfaithful wife who, unaware of his wife’s infidelity, would raise children that clearly weren’t his own, like with cuckoo birds.

The modern-day usage of the word “cuckolding” as a fetish differs from its origins, as the cuckold is aware of and is consenting to their partner sleeping with another person.

While the origins of the term describe cuckolding as a husband watching his wife with another man, cuckolding can be done any way you want, whether it’s a female partner watching their male partner with another woman or another man, or whether everybody involved is male or female or of any other gender.

Why do people enjoy cuckolding?

There are various reasons why people might enjoy cuckolding as a fetish or a form of consensual non-monogamy. Some people introduce cuckolding as a way of combatting boredom or repetition in a relationship, and find that sexual variety actually strengthens their relationship with their partner, especially as they’re able to learn more about what their partner enjoys. For others, the jealousy they feel from watching their partner with another person adds an exciting element to their relationship and can add a new dimension to their sex life.

“Cuckolding may trigger sexual jealousy,” says psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury. “The thought of their [the cuckold’s] partner being with someone else may be quite arousing.”

Aoife adds that another reason cuckolding can be enjoyable is because “it’s about seeing sexual satisfaction or empowerment from your partner and that being a turn on. This actually has a name and is defined as compersion.”

Cuckolding is a great way of strengthening communication in a relationship, as it requires honesty from both partners about what they enjoy, what they don’t and what their boundaries are if they do feel jealous or uncomfortable. Couples who have tried cuckolding often report that it strengthens the bond between them, as they’re able to trust each other and talk openly about their desires.

Cuckolding can also be considered a subset of BDSM. “An aspect of BDSM can be humiliation, and the thought of [the cuckold] feeling or being humiliated could also be exciting. Our brains have the ability to turn something degrading into something powerfully erotic,” says Aoife. Sexologist Dr. Jill McDevitt adds, “the arousal that comes from relinquishing power and being humiliated (which is a form of masochism)” can be part of what makes cuckolding enjoyable.

As well as the cuckold, the partner who is sleeping with somebody else can enjoy cuckolding because it means they get to experience sexual variety with somebody else, and they can show their partner first-hand what they like.

How can you introduce cuckolding into your relationship?

Start by being open with your partner, letting them know that this is something you want to try, and explaining what it is if they’re unsure. The important thing is to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable and consenting to what is happening. Cuckolding requires “tons of communication, discussion of safer sex methods, and consideration of the physical and emotional safety of all involved, including the third party,” says Dr. Jill.

“Cuckolding can very much be part of healthy relationships as long as you are both open, honest and content with it being part of your sex lives,” adds Aoife. “The most important aspect of all sexual activity is consent. It is important when someone has a kink or fetish that they are communicating openly with all parties involved, and everyone is happy.

“If it is something that you would like to start off with, it is vital to understand what may be brought up. Seeing your partner with someone else may be quite upsetting so taking it slow is of utmost importance. Finally I would encourage partners to draw out parameters and rules so that there are clear boundaries; perhaps that’s not having sex with someone you know or for cuckolding not to occur in your home.

“To start off with trying out cuckolding, maybe ask your partner to describe a fantasy about having sex with a different partner. That can be past partners, people you or they fancy or even a celebrity. Sometimes this may be enough for both parties and they have no interest in taking things further.

“If you are both happy and wanted to take the next step, try going to a bar and watching them flirt with someone else. The next step, if that goes well, is your partner having sex with someone else and then recounting the experience to you.”

So, if you’re interested in giving cuckolding (or anything else) a go, follow these steps to telling your partner exactly what you want.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Arguing With Your Partner Makes You So Damn Horny. Here’s Why.

Blame it on science. No, really.

By Morgan Mandriota

It’s a classic Hollywood plot: Couple starts an epic screaming match with each other, then mid-fight, one partner pushes the other up against the wall, they kiss oh-so passionately, and things escalate to hot, steamy makeup sex. (I mean, raise your hand if that scene from The Notebook still leaves you hot and bothered.)

The argument = over. Relationship = restored. The end.

You and I both know this actually happens IRL too. Whenever my ex and I would argue, I’d immediately want to tackle him—not in a physical fight kind of way but more in like an I-suddenly-need-to-jump-your-bones way. The makeup sex was always soooo good.

Why is this a thing? Is there a link between being angry and horny? Or are we all just kinky mother-effers? After speaking with psychotherapists, physiology experts, and sexperts, I’ve learned that there is def some science behind this madness. Here are seven solid reasons why some people get turned on after arguing with their partner:

1. Hormones

Hormones like testosterone, adrenaline, and cortisol (the stress hormone) all spike when we fight with someone, including our romantic partners. “When cortisol is released from stress, our bodies and minds may yearn for the closeness that sex provides,” explains certified sexologist Jenni Skyler, PhD.

The relief of orgasm and pleasure increases serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin (the love hormone), explains sex and relationship therapist Andrew Aaron, LICSW. TL;DR: This means that while the hormones released during a fight can rile you up, the hormones released after a fight calm you down, make you feel satisfied, give you feelings of power, and increase your sense of safety—which, conveniently, all magically combine to make you want to bone. A true climax and resolution.

2. Evolution

Banging after an angry fight with your partner unlocks a deep and primal part of your psyche. “Sex after a fight not only provides relief, it also creates excitement. You go from being threatened to feeling triumphant in overcoming the threat by surviving,” says Aaron. Basically, you may feel like you’ve overcome something major, so your body celebrates by getting all excited (read: horny AF) as a result.

3. Anxiety and arousal

Arousal and anxiety are sister sensations that increase your heart rate, blood flow, and breathing. “The excitement from one of those emotions is likely to transfer to another,” explains sexologist Robert Thomas, cofounder of Sextopedia.

“When we’re under stress, such as the stress induced by an argument, our sympathetic nervous system is aroused,” says relationship and sex coach Michele Lisenbury Christensen. (Aka, this is why fights turn you on.) “This also sparks your fight or flight response, which fills you full of energy and makes you motivated to want to physically act in some way,” adds physiology expert Elesa Zehndorfer, PhD. What better way to satiate that need to get physical than with that hot person right in front of you who’s also pissing you off? Sounds like the most logical option, IMHO.

5. You’re into sadomasochism

Did you know that the word “passion” has a Latin origin that actually comes from “patior,” which means to suffer? So, like, “Hurts so good” is a saying for a reason. “There’s a close link between anger, passion, suffering, and connection,” says relationship coach Valarie Merced, founder of Precipice Magazine.

Fighting can stimulate sadomasochistic sexual fantasies (aka gaining sexual pleasure from inflicting or receiving pain), explains Gail Saltz, MD, a psychiatrist specializing in relationships and mental health. But, FWIW, just because you like makeup sex doesn’t mean you’re a hundred percent going to be into BDSM. Although, if you *are* already into it, you might be one of the ~lucky~ ones who get turned on from fighting. (Hi, guilty as charged. Now, handcuff me. JK, not JK.)

6. Makeup—aka “mad at you”—sex is awesome

Wanting to reestablish a connection and forgive your partner (or yourself) is a high-priority post-fight…which is exactly why you may turn to some “Fuck me like you hate me” sex to repair the bond. The evidence:

  • “I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but fucking after we fight is hot. Everything’s heightened and you’re breathing heavy. It’s you and this other hot-blooded person you’re presumably sexually attracted to. That makes me want my man. Like, he is MINE,” says Nicole, 33.
  • “We’re both desperately waiting for the fight to end because we’re still so physically and emotionally drawn to one another as we fight.” says Scarlett, 26.
  • “Who the hell doesn’t love makeup sex? It makes things more passionate and aggressive, which is always a plus,” agrees Kayla, 23. “It starts off with anger and rage but slowly transitions into love and passion and ends up being sweet.”

Clearly, we’re all IRL Sour Patch Kids.

7. It‘s a way to cope with trauma

Traumatic events that contained fighting or intense anger (during childhood or some point of your early years) can sometimes get connected to sexual feelings, says Dr. Saltz. Because of this, it could be that you’re horny whenever you fight with your partner.

“Psychologically, when couples fight, they often instigate a trigger or very scared part of their younger memory system,” explains Skyler. Fear creates a sense of abandonment, inadequacy, or both, so sex can sometimes alleviate that fear by increasing intimacy and reestablishing feelings of safety.

If this is the case for you, you may want to seek therapy to unlearn this type of conditioning and coping mechanism. “Better understanding this part of you will help you to find methods to get that sex-fueled romp that’s less destructive to your relationship than purposely picking fights,” Dr. Saltz says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

21 Things Scientists Discovered About Sex In 2019

By Kelly Gonsalves

Given that sex has existed as long as the human race has, you’d think our scientists, doctors, and psychologists would have collectively figured out all there is to know about sex by now. But the truth is, there are still many, many aspects of human sexuality that are a big, unexplored, confusing question mark. The good news is, 2019 has been quite the year in the world of sex research. Here are a few of the most fascinating findings we’ve made this year: 

1. Women are still struggling to talk about what they want in bed.

In 2019, more than half of American women were still struggling to talk about what they want sexually. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found 55% of women in the U.S. reported experiencing situations in which they had wanted to communicate with a partner about how they wanted to be touched and what sexually turned them on but decided not to say anything. About one in five women didn’t feel comfortable talking about her sexual desires at all, and one in 10 had never experienced sex in which she felt like her partner valued her sexual pleasure.

2. Just saying the word “clitoris” out loud is linked to better sex for women.

Yes, it really matters that much. As we’ve known for a while, the clitoris is the key to sexual pleasure for people who have them—but mainstream narratives and norms around sex prioritize P-in-V penetration as the main act of sex, despite the fact that the majority of clit owners can’t get off from that alone. Further proving how important the clit is, the same study cited above found that just being comfortable using the word “clitoris” is associated with greater sexual satisfaction and being less likely to fake orgasms. The researchers said their findings indicate why it’s so important for us as a society and as individuals to start talking openly about our sex lives. When you’re comfortable talking about sex—including the specific body parts where you like to get touched—you’re way more likely to convey that to your partners and then get the type of stimulation that actually feels good for you. 

3. Not all orgasms are good.

Orgasms are not the definitive marker of good sex, as it turns out. In another study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found 55% of people had experienced a “bad orgasm,” including orgasms that physically hurt, orgasms that didn’t feel as pleasurable as past orgasms, or orgasms that happened in sexually coercive contexts, such that having the orgasm led to intense psychological turmoil.

4. People in relationships really are having less sex.

Experts have been talking about a so-called sex recession for the last year or so, in which several different data reports have been showing people are having less sex these days than in generations prior. One multiyear study published in the BMJ this year found the majority of the dip is happening among married people and cohabiting couples. Some of their key findings: In 2001, 38% of women and 30% of men in serious relationships had no sex in the past month. In 2012, that number jumped to 51% for women and 66% for men in serious relationships. What’s more, even sexually active couples were having less sex than usual: In 2012, just 48% of women and 50% of men in serious relationships reported having sex at least four times in the last month, meaning about half of couples are having sex less than once a week.

5. But millennials don’t think they’re in a sex recession.

Cosmopolitan conducted a nationally representative survey on over 1,000 people. Their findings showed 71% of millennials feel “personally satisfied” with how much sex they’re having, and 62% of millennials think their friends are having “plenty of sex” too. So maybe it’s all relative?

6. Commitment and better sex are linked.

Researchers surveyed hundreds of couples in several weeks of couples’ therapy to ask about their commitment levels and sex lives each week. Published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, their study found commitment and good sex were definitely linked: Having good sex one week was associated with couples feeling more committed to each other the following week. The reverse was also true. Feeling more committed to each other one week was associated with the couple having better sex the following week. The two seem to feed off each other.

7. People who love casual sex are more committed to their relationships when those relationships are consensually non-monogamous.

If you think people who love casual sex are inherently less committed in their relationships, think again. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that, in consensually non-monogamous relationships, enjoying casual sex (i.e., “sociosexuality”) was associated with being more committed to your relationship.

8. Childhood trauma is associated with less sexual satisfaction in adulthood.

People with more traumatic experiences in childhood tend to have less satisfying sex lives in adulthood, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Why? Experiencing trauma as a kid is associated with experiencing more daily psychological distress and with being less mindful, two qualities that may affect one’s ability to engage and feel pleasure during sex.

9. More than half of seniors are unhappy with their sex lives.

You know what you hear about people having less sex as they get older? That might be true, but it might not be because seniors want less sex. A study published in the journal PLOS ONE found 58% of men and women between ages 55 and 74 are not satisfied with their sex lives. In another study published in the journal Menopause, 78% of the more than 4,000 postmenopausal women surveyed were sexually inactive. Of these sexually inactive women, the top reasons for not having sex were not having a partner to have sex with, having a partner with a medical condition making sex out of the question, and having a partner dealing with sexual dysfunction.

10. These three key factors reliably turn women on.

A study of 662 straight women identified three factors that made women more likely to experience sexual desire for someone: intimacy (i.e., feelings of closeness and deep affection), celebrated otherness (i.e., seeing yourself as a separate entity from your partner instead of seeing yourselves together as a single unit), and object-of-desire affirmation (i.e., being told you are desirable).

This is an oft-repeated myth, but findings published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences have officially disproved the idea that men are “more visual” than women are when it comes to sex. The researchers reanalyzed over 60 studies, each of which had hooked up men and women to fMRI machines while showing them porn to try to see how their brains reacted. Gender was the least predictive factor in determining how activated a person’s brain was while viewing the erotic material.

12. One in four women experienced pain during their most recent sexual experience.

In a study of over 2,000 women published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers found nearly a quarter of women had experienced pain the last time they’d had sex. Of those who’d experienced pain, 49% didn’t tell their partner about it. Those who’d experienced little to no pleasure during the sexual experience were also three times more likely to not tell their partner about the pain.

13. Vaginal dryness and atrophy begin in perimenopause.

During and after menopause, hormonal shifts tend to cause the vaginal walls to become thinner and lubricate less. Known as vaginal atrophy, these changes tend to cause vaginal dryness, which predictably leads to more difficulties having sex. (Nothing that a little lube can’t fix, of course.) However, a new study published in the journal Menopause has found that these symptoms of vaginal atrophy, vaginal dryness, and the sexual pain that comes with them may actually begin in perimenopause—the period of time right before menopause hits, around ages 40 to 55.

14. Better sex ed improves LGBTQ kids’ mental health.

Sex ed is important for supporting people’s sexual health and helping people navigate sex safely. But it also has important mental health benefits for people in the LGBTQ community, according to new research in the American Journal of Sexuality Education. The study found kids who received sex ed that was inclusive of people with diverse genders and sexual orientations tended to have less anxiety, less depression, and fewer suicidal tendencies.

15. Open-minded people are more likely to cheat.

A study published in the Personality and Individual Differences journal found the personality trait most associated with cheating was open-mindedness. In other words, people who are more open to new experiences and people tend to be more likely to cheat as well. Seems obvious, but open-mindedness is also correlated with being more welcoming, more creative, more sexually liberated, and more extroverted. So…uh-oh?

16. There are at least some psychological components to why some people struggle with their sex drive.

Researchers interviewed about 100 couples where one partner struggles with sexual desire and about 100 couples with no such struggles. Published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, the study identified a few common traits among the partners who struggled with desire: They were more likely to pursue sex simply to avoid negative consequences (like a disappointed partner) and less likely to pursue sex to experience positive outcomes (like orgasms and connection). The findings also suggested they may “have difficulties recognizing and responding to their partners’ sexual needs due to having fewer sexual needs themselves.”

You can’t make this stuff up! A study published in the journal Sex Education found female students who had taken a sexuality class that discussed the orgasm gap tended to have more orgasms and better orgasms after they took the class than before.

18. Parents have better sex when they like each other.

Yes, researchers talked to 93 couples and found those who complimented each other more and had higher opinions of each other tended to have higher levels of sexual satisfaction in the relationship. It might seem obvious, but many long-term couples (especially parents) will readily admit that just because they’re married and in love does not mean that they always like each other. That means couples should never dismiss the importance of making sure actual feelings of affection and positivity still live on in their relationship.

19. Postcoital dysphoria affects men too.

Postcoital dysphoria refers to inexplicable feelings of sadness, frustration, or distress after having otherwise pleasurable sex. Some people assume that women are more likely to be emotional after having sex, but a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found 41% of men have experienced PCD, and 20% experienced it in the last four weeks.

20. How you feel about your genitalia affects your sex life.

Feeling self-conscious about your vulva or penis might actually affect how much pleasure you’re experiencing during sex. A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found people who felt more confident about their genitalia tend to have less stress about their “performance” during sex and better sexual functioning, which includes getting turned on easily, having more vaginal lubrication, and being able to orgasm with ease.

21. Sexual desire is buildable.

For couples, experiencing sexual desire today makes you more likely to experience sexual desire tomorrow and have sex tomorrow, according to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Desire. That means couples who want to improve their sex lives should consider starting small: Just adding a few moments of heat and turn-on daily, even without having sex, will build up sexual desire over time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A simple guide to improving your relationship

Because the reality is: relationships aren’t always love hearts and butterflies.

By Sophie Victoria Brown

You may be one of the lucky few in a healthy relationship, but thanks to pop culture (and our obsession with binge-watching rom-coms) we tend to see everything through rose-tinted glasses. Thanks to the unrealistic expectations set by Love Actually and Bridget Jones’s Diary, you may have come to find that your relationship just isn’t living up to that. Maybe you can’t stop arguing, jealously is getting in the way, or maybe the fire once in your loins is now just a smouldering pile of ash?

We spoke to Sarah Calvert, psychosexual and relationship therapist, and Annabelle Knight, sex and dating expert at , to bring you a simple guide on how to improve your relationship.

How to improve your relationship

“All relationships go through ups and downs, as do people,” Sarah says, and this is so important to remember. It is completely normal to hit rocky patches in our relationships for a number of reasons.

Annabelle finds that work, money and sex are big factors that contribute to relationship breakdowns. So if any of those things are causing you problems, here are Annabelle and Sarah’s tips on how to improve your relationship.

1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

The most important thing – despite the fact that most of us dread talking about our feelings – is communication. It’s the ruler of every kind of relationship, whether that’s one with your babe or your boss.

Sarah says, “I cannot stress enough how important good communication is. Without it, resentment, fear or distrust can build up and there’s nothing like this trio to cause relationship problems.”

A lack of communication can also negatively impact your sex life. Annabelle says, “It is vital you keep the channels of communication open to enjoy good sex … talk about what really DOES turn you on, and allow them to do the same”.

2. Give your relationship an MOT

Sarah says you need to “ask yourself, what state is your relationship in? It’s important to check in with your partner regularly and have honest discussions about how each of you is feeling”. Which also ties into communicating, FYI.

You need to know what direction you want the relationship to go in, or you could be faced with a breaking point. “If you’re struggling to work things out together, seek help sooner than rather waiting for a crisis”.

Annabelle thinks that you need to look within yourself for the answers first, and to concentrate on the fundamentals. “Do you still fancy them? Do you still like and respect them?,” she asks.

3. Support each other through the ups and downs

We’ve all been there: you’re stressed, and you take it out on your partner. Now you’re both arguing about your attitude problem and their inability to listen. Sarah says, “Relationship problems can lead to mental health problems, and vice versa, so maintaining a happy, healthy relationship should be a priority for us all”.

She suggests you “take time to really listen to what they are saying, give them space … and be mindful of what you’re saying and how you’re saying it”.

4. Move forwards, not backwards

Do you find yourself reminiscing about the early days with your partner? Sarah says you shouldn’t, because “it’s natural that you’ve both grown and changed in the time you’ve been together.”

Instead of reminiscing, she says it’s more healthy to think about new interests you can enjoy together. So, why don’t you both catch up on Black Mirror, or take a pottery class together, à la Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost? The possibilities are endless (and fun!) when you put your mind to it and make time to plan.

5. Variety is the spice of life

“Eat the same meal every night and you will soon get bored of it. Why do you think that sex is any different?” Annabelle says. Does routine sex sound like something you do? Annabelle suggests you “mix it up in whatever way works for you … anything which keeps things fun and breaks the routine”.

And her bonus tip for those couples who consider sex to be really important: “If the sex is right everything else tends to fall into place. Always make sex a priority in a relationship”.

6. Kissing is key

Annabelle has noticed that “a lot of couples underestimate the importance of kissing, which is a shame because it’s the perfect way to establish intimacy, and is arguably the most important act of foreplay”. Before you go in all guns blazing, make sure you’re taking time to find out what your partner enjoys, which is, as Annabelle puts it, “key to kicking things off right”.

How to know when your relationship can’t be improved

Sarah says, “If you find yourself going around in circles not knowing whether to save or end your relationship, it may be helpful to talk things over with an impartial third party”.

But, you should remember that sometimes there are relationships so damaged that not even the relationship experts can help. And that’s okay. As much as you’d want to try and save a toxic relationship with someone you really love, it’d do your sanity and wellbeing a favour to ditch it.

If the cons of the relationship are outweighing the pros, the best thing to do is to let them go.

Always talk to friends and family about your concerns or reach out to experts like Sarah and Annabelle for support.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Make (and Maintain) Healthy Sexual Boundaries

Talking with your partners about what’s on — and off — the table can be scary, but so important, perhaps especially if you’ve had sexual trauma in your past. 

By Erin Taylor

Picture this. You’ve arrived to a lover’s house for the first time after a date. It gets hot and heavy, but soon you find yourself overwhelmed by sheer panic at their touch, a comment they made about your body, or perhaps something you can’t even put your finger on. Maybe you’re having a flashback to a previous boundary misstep or traumatic situation. Whatever the reason, feeling triggered can heighten the experience of vulnerability and shame. But there’s nothing embarrassing about having an emotional response during sex. In fact, intimacy is a common flashback trigger for many people.

Hopefully, this new partner will have a high emotional literacy, be understanding in the moment, and support you by listening and being present to your needs. Maybe they’ve even had their own experiences with trauma in the past, or have been with partners who’ve dealt with similar things. Sometimes, however, this isn’t the case, and you might find yourself not only navigating being triggered but also facing a partner that isn’t capable of handling the heightened environment — and the fact is, even if you’re not dealing with prior trauma, communicating boundaries in bed can often be a minefield.

Let’s explore what boundaries are, why they’re necessary for both our everyday lives as well as our sex lives, and how to bring up these delicate topics with sexual partners. Once we have a better understanding of our own boundaries and the trauma that has informed them, it becomes easier to communicate with our romantic partners how to assist us during a flashback — and maybe how to avoid them altogether.

What are boundaries, and why are they important?

Dulcinea Pitagora, a NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist, says that healthy boundaries are a collection of a person’s wants and needs as well as “hard and soft limits that combine to support optimal physical and mental health and strong relationships.” But just because they’re necessary doesn’t mean everyone knows how to assert them. Ideally, we should be able to say no to anything that makes us feel unsafe, used, unstable, or goes against our grit. And unfortunately, boundaries around sex are often only discussed once they’ve already been crossed. Meg-John Barker, a psychologist and the author of Rewriting the Rules, tells Allure that we live in a non-consensual culture. “Very few of us have families, friendship groups, communities, or workplaces which encourage us to tune into — and assert — our boundaries,” they say.

“Much like we can pick up a new instrument, sport, or language later in life, we can retrain our muscles, nervous system, and minds to set and keep boundaries.”

The goal should always be a sexual experience where everyone feels safe and taken care of. Think of each other’s boundaries as a road map for sexual pleasure and emotional wellbeing within a relationship, and remember: Boundaries around sex differ from person to person. For example, I have a hard limit on spankings. I never want to be spanked and I communicate that with any person I have sex with. How people react to the expression of boundaries can also be telling and reveal possible red flags. If someone communicates their yeses, nos, and maybes and the person they’re having sex with doesn’t respect their boundaries, that may be a sign that the relationship should not continue in such an intimate way, at all.

In the #MeToo era, it’s become very clear that many people don’t have a proper understanding of consent. It’s important to reflect on our own sexual boundaries and needs, as well as how we can communicate with our partners effectively. There should be mutual respect when it comes to each other’s needs, from understanding the desire for space, to asking for consent to send nudes, to knowing which sexual acts a person is down to engage in.

What happens when our boundaries aren’t respected?

“If we are discouraged from saying ‘no’ or having a sense of self in general, or if our ‘no’ is violated repeatedly, we learn that we are not allowed to have boundaries,” says Deesha Narichania, an NYC-based mental health professional. “And in turn, boundaries equal rejection, abandonment, violence, or helplessness.” When a child is unable to form a healthy sense of themselves as a result of childhood trauma, they may approach future relationships from a place of hurt and replicate similar dynamics.

The good news is that boundaries can be learned into adulthood. It’s important to remember that implementing them is a skill, albeit one that takes practice. “Much like we can pick up a new instrument, sport, or language later in life, we can retrain our muscles, nervous system, and minds to set and keep boundaries,” explains Narichania. It’s important to assess how you think about boundaries in the first place — if you have been raised to think of them as either a punishment against you or something you didn’t deserve, you may not even realize that you have poor boundary skills to begin with.

It wasn’t until I hit my early 20s that I realized I didn’t have a full grasp on what I needed. There were many times in my early sexual experiences where I’d leave an experience feeling gross and wrong even though I technically didn’t say “no” to what was happening. This feeling was the result of not understanding I could say no while also being unaware of what my emotional, physical, or sexual needs were at the time.

Now as an adult, I’m increasingly aware of the moments I assert boundaries that I probably wouldn’t have in the past. That’s because I’ve taken the time to get to know what my boundaries are and then practice small boundary setting (such as saying no to a kiss at the end of a date), so I’ve become more capable of bigger boundary setting (such as stopping in the middle of sex because I felt unsafe). If you need to create and strengthen your boundaries, Pitagora suggests taking inventory of your wants, needs, and hard and soft limits. Writing out what you need and desire in your relationships may lead to realizing that your boundaries have been crossed in the past, often repeatedly, without you seeing it in that moment.

It’s also important to note that it’s highly possible that you might have crossed somebody else’s boundaries before (which can happen without malicious intent). Holding ourselves accountable for the ways we have harmed others is important, not just for their healing but ours as well. During my own process of grappling with the ways in which my own boundaries had been disrespected, I had to face the ways in which my own lack of understanding of boundaries impacted some of my relationships.

How do we assert boundaries in romantic and sexual relationships?

After understanding our wants and needs, Pitagora says the next step is then learning how to communicate them to others. This applies to all sorts of dynamics, from the people you casually sleep with to those who you’ve had long-term relationships with. It’s not only healthy but necessary in all sexual relationships to be able to say no comfortably and feel as though you’re heard. A well-known example of boundaries in action are safe words, traditionally used in BDSM dynamics, about when people have reached a point where they would like the scene to be stopped. The same idea could easily be applied to vanilla sex as well.

A nice trick I like is the Yellow/Red System, where Yellow means “let’s do something else” and Red means “stop entirely.” These can be helpful both in vanilla and kink scenarios because everyone, irrelevant of what kind of sexual experience they are having, should be able to revoke consent at any point. It’s also important to remember to check in on the other person or people you’re engaging in sex with. Reconfirming consent throughout, as well as asking before beginning a new sexual act at every stage of sex, can be helpful in ensuring that every person feels safe and is having fun.

All sexual experiences should be approached as an act of care between those involved, and the boundaries and needs of all participants should be at the forefront of the experience. When a friend told me about the time a date choked her without asking if it was okay, it became apparent how often people don’t realize how crucial asking for consent is to having fun and safe sex. “It might be useful to articulate boundaries upfront in the form of exchanging fantasies, or yes, no, maybe lists, or having online forms of sex first,” says Barker. While my friend told me that she hadn’t communicated that choking wasn’t okay with her because it was a “very casual relationship,” even in the most casual relationships, affirmation of consent is necessary. He should have directly asked if she was into choking, and what happened is not her fault. In sex, consent should never be assumed.

Okay, so how do I create an emergency plan with a partner?

If you’ve recently entered into a new sexual relationship, you may not want to talk about your experience with sexual trauma just yet. It can be scary — many worry that it will scare someone off to show that side of yourself or create anxiety for a new partner during sex. It’s also a different level of intimacy, and you don’t owe it to anyone to share that part of you. In fact, I recently had an emotional flashback during sex that caused me to stop what we were doing. I started sobbing immediately, and felt I owed my sexual partner an explanation to justify my reaction.

But in hindsight, I realize that I owed them nothing of the sort. No one is entitled to information about your past trauma, and no one should require that of you in order to respect your boundaries. Period. However, stating boundaries and triggers clearly can make it easier (though not fool-proof) for you and your partners to avoid triggers, and help them prepare for what could happen if a flashback does occur. In any healthy partnership, even a new one, there should be space for feeling pain and being supported through it.

It’s important to recognize that everyone enters into a sexual experience with their own past experiences informing them.

That said, talking ahead of time and being upfront about these experiences can create an environment where your boundaries, needs, and desires are heard and, hopefully, respected. The goal is to work toward a dynamic where you are allowed to communicate, feel pleasure and intimacy without fear. Barker suggests discussing ahead of time what a possible trauma response can look like for you, since everyone reacts differently to triggers, as well as talking about what each partner may need in that moment. “Sometimes the person who is going into trauma won’t realize it for a while so it’s great if everyone involved can be mindful of this. If in any doubt, pause and check-in. Reassure everyone that success means that consent has happened — whether or not sex happens,” they say.

After all, sex gets emotional, and feelings may come up — this is an inevitability of intimacy, and it’s okay. It’s important to recognize that everyone enters into a sexual experience with their own past experiences informing them. Be aware of this when thinking about your partner’s sexual needs, both as related to pleasure and in boundaries.

When triggers do happen, if you and your partner have already had this conversation, they’ll be better prepared to take care of you. Narichania recommends slowing down and pausing sex when someone experiences a flashback. First and foremost, it’s important to remain calm and attentive to that person’s needs. “Anything that directly connects to the five senses can be helpful, such as giving them something with their favorite scent or favorite food,” they advise, also suggesting making sure that water is available. In the event that being triggered created a space where the person no longer feels safe, give them space to call a friend or go home if they need to. It’s both a responsibility and a privilege to care for someone in these moments, so treat it as such.

Early moments of intimacy often go on to define a relationship, and if you become someone a traumatized person no longer feels safe to be vulnerable with, it may become hard to have a healthy sexual relationship. Forming a healthy relationship requires communication and a clear expression of boundaries, which traumatized people are capable of learning. They can learn proper boundaries, experience intimacy and pleasure, and communicate what they need. It just takes practice and partners who come from a place of love, patience, and understanding.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

This Is When A Relationship Without Labels Doesn’t Work

By Kelly Gonsalves

Relationships often suffer from too many rules.

People can get constricted by narrow definitions of what constitutes a relationship, including expectations that they must be monogamous, must be between men and women, must be marriage-oriented, must involve five days a week spent glued at the hip, must involve a certain amount of sex, and many other rules. But in reality, relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all.

This reality leads some people to prefer being in relationships without labels. But that might not exactly be a solution to the problem of suffocating norms.

What is a relationship without labels?

When people talk about labels in a relationship, they’re usually referring to terms like “dating,” “in a relationship,” “boyfriend and girlfriend,” and the like. (Here’s a full guide to the most commonly used ones.) A relationship without labels is any arrangement between two people who are choosing not to adopt any such terms to describe their relationship. A relationship without labels can be exclusive or not exclusive, and it can fall anywhere between very casual and strictly sexual to totally emotionally invested and committed.

“Relationship labels are not good or bad; what works for some may not work for others,” sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, tells mbg. “While labels can be helpful, they are not necessary to co-create a satisfying relationship. Sometimes the pressure to live up to a certain set of behaviors keeps people from relationship labels. Labels come with expectations, and if both parties are struggling to negotiate those expectations, forgoing or delaying the label might be the right move.”

Labels may be associated with expectations that a particular couple isn’t interested in, Francis says, such that taking on those words might create unnecessary pressures. For example, the words “boyfriend and girlfriend” might carry a lot of weight and assumptions about the nature of that relationship for some people. While some people might love the implied closeness or coziness of those words, others might not really vibe with the implied emotional investment. Some women might not resonate with the “girlfriend” label because it may carry assumptions about their emotional investment in the relationship or make them feel like they need to act a certain way toward the other person.

Others might also treat the two people differently depending on the label they give, Francis points out: “The social response to a label may not reflect what your relationship is and may discourage folks from wanting to label their relationship at all. For example, maybe your families may relate to you being partners in a way that doesn’t make you feel comfortable.”

A relationship without labels vs. a relationship without commitment.

Do not conflate these two things, says relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C. People often confuse labeling a relationship with making it more serious, committed, or monogamous. But having words to describe your relationship is simply about clarity, not commitment.

“Some people may choose not to label their relationship because they’re afraid of being tied down too quickly or in a place where they feel trapped,” Tubbs explains to mbg. “However, one should understand that you maintain full autonomy of yourself in every relationship you’re in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you need, what you want, and what you don’t want. So if you feel you’re at a place where you cannot (or don’t want) to date one person exclusively, that should be communicated to your partner so that [they] can make a decision about whether that works for them.”

Having a label is not the same as having commitment. Labeling your relationship does not necessarily mean you’re in a committed relationship, nor does saying you “don’t do labels” absolve you from having a conversation about commitment. If you don’t want to be in an exclusive or committed relationship, you still need to have a conversation to define the relationship. (You can just settle on a label or set of terms that works for you, such as consensual nonmonogamy, casual dating, or friends with benefits.)

Is labeling your relationship a good idea?

Yes, according to Tubbs. As far as she’s concerned, the lack of clarity causes more harm than good. 

“Labels should be put on the relationship from the beginning,” Tubbs tells mbg. “Are we just friends? Are we friends who do a little bit more on the side? Are we dating exclusively or non-exclusively? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? It is so important to be clear from the beginning to avoid any heartbreak, feelings of being used or misled, and to protect the nature of the relationship as you both probably came together because you really liked each other.”

Words do matter. Although Francis recognizes why some couples may not want to adopt a specific label loaded with baggage (and that forgoing the label can be the right move for some), she does say it’s important for couples to be able to get on the same page about what they’re doing together. “When people ‘label’ a relationship, essentially they are defining their connection and agreeing on how they will refer to their connection and each other. Labels are helpful heuristics (mental shortcuts) for describing or communicating about a relationship,” she explains. “They give us shorthand to describe the significance of our bond and an opportunity to have constructive and clarifying relationship conversations.”

Importantly, however, both therapists clarify that labels are not about putting ourselves into boxes and not a substitute for having an actual conversation about what each person wants. Francis adds, “Labeling a relationship can be unhelpful when we don’t take the time to define labels clearly within a relationship or use them to pressure others into dynamics they do not want to be in (e.g., ‘a good boyfriend would ______’ or ‘if you want to be my ______ you need to _____’).”

Whether or not you’re feeling a label for your relationship, it’s important to make sure you and the person you’re with see eye to eye about what you’re doing and to make sure that the relationship is healthy, fun, and fulfilling for both parties.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Cheating Doesn’t Have To Involve Sex To Count

By Erika W. Smith

Imagine you’re asleep next to your partner. But in the middle of the night, you wake up. You notice they’re facing away from you in bed, staring at their phone and smiling. A five-line response comes back. It’s from their ex. That’s right: they’ve been texting their ex all night.

If you’re anything like me (and I’m a jealous, possessive Scorpio, to be fair), you wouldn’t be happy. You might consider this cheating, even though it’s not physical. The text exchange could be harmless, but depending on what they’re chatting about, or how this chat is making them (or you) feel, you might consider it an emotional affair.

Psychology Today defines an emotional affair as “a relationship where the level of emotional intimacy is excessive and where the level of emotion invested in someone outside of the marriage infringes upon the intimacy between spouses or committed partners.” Importantly, it affects your relationship: “This extramarital emotional involvement replaces a couples’ intimacy and obviously, may drive a wedge between partners. This in turn, may very well create distance and a feeling of separation, alienation, and loneliness.”

Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as physical affairs. “In fact, these can be very intense relationships that can have a lot more damaging effects on the primary relationship than a sexual affair could,” Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a premarital and marital therapist in NYC, previously told Refinery29.

Every relationship has different boundaries. Some people consider flirting cheating. Some people in open relationships are fine with their partners having sex with others, as long as they’re not emotionally involved. And some people in polyamorous relationships are fine with their partners dating and falling for others, but want to be kept informed. While it will vary depending on your specific situation, here are some common warning signs of an emotional affair.

You’re keeping information from your partner

If you instinctively keep information about interactions with a friend or crush from your partner, that’s a warning sign. “It’s not that you necessarily need to be telling your partner everything, like that you ran into an old friend on the street,” Fitzpatrick said. “But when you’re making the active decision to keep something from them, because you think they might have a negative reaction, then that points to a problem.”

You don’t mention your partner to your crush

Similarly, if you never mention your partner to your crush, that’s not a great sign, either. Basically, if you’re keeping secrets, something is up — even if you might not have realized it yet

You’re not prioritizing your relationship

If you’re putting more energy into your relationship with your crush than your relationship with your partner, it’s time to reassess. And if your partner seems like they’re putting more energy into a new friendship, you might want to talk to them about it.

You’re texting or messaging the other person… all the time

The rise of social media and dating apps have made emotional affairs much easier. It’s simpler than ever to friend an old flame on Facebook, and you can text someone all day (and all night) without your partner knowing.

You know it’s different from a friendship

You probably text your best friend often, maybe even more than your partner. That doesn’t mean you’re having an emotional affair with your BFF. When it’s an emotional affair, something just feels different, even if you can’t describe exactly what it is.

Something just feels “off”

According to Psychology Today, when an emotional affair is going on, “it’s no surprise that a person who has shared a certain degree of connection and intimacy with their spouse suddenly realizes that something just doesn’t feel right any longer. They may literally feel their partner pulling away from them, feel a partner’s preoccupation with something (someone) else, and may find it hard or impossible to connect intimately in the same way they once did.” Listen to your gut reaction and consider if you need to set some boundaries with your crush — or even come clean to your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Pros and Cons of Being in a Polyamorous Relationship

by Dr. Jenn Mann

A polyamorous relationship is the practice of having intimate, emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person with the consent of all involved. Polyamorous people may have a commitment to more than one person they are in a relationship with. It can also mean a committed couple has invited a third partner into their relationship, who would be considered secondary to the primary lovers. It is not just about sex, it is also about emotional connection and developing romantic relationships.

Whether you need to worry about your friend entirely depends on the kind of relationship she’s in, and many poly relationships are built on honesty and trust that do make for a healthy expression of love and safe environments in which to explore. Plus, it’s not as rare as you think.

According to a 2016 study published in the journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, it has been estimated that 21 percent of people have had a non-monogamous relationship. In my observation in my own clinical practice, this is becoming more common. For exactly what it’s like to be in a polyamorous relationship, I’ve broken down some pros and cons that tend to come up.

The Pros of Polyamory

On the positive side, people who are in polyamorous relationships have some great tools for their relationship to work well: communication and honesty. Whether or not you choose to be in this type of relationship, we can all benefit from these skills.

Honesty: Most couples who are in non-monogamous relationships tend to be extremely honest and transparent about their feelings and desires, both emotionally and sexually.

Proactive problem-solving: Non-monogamous couples tend to do regular appraisals of their relationship and discuss their observations with one another. If one person feels the relationship is getting boring or stale, these couples tend to process such speed bumps with one another and make a plan of action, rather than allowing things to fester unresolved.

Rules and boundaries: Non-monogamous couples have rules about their relationships, lots of them! They work hard to establish clear guidelines and boundaries in order to make the experience of sharing their love with others emotionally safe for all involved. They know what flirting, conversations, sexual contact, and phone contact is out of bounds and what is acceptable. Too many monogamous couples make assumptions about what is OK and what is not without discussing with their partner.

The Cons

Non-monogamy can have its downsides. Bringing a third (or more) party into your relationship can create a distraction from the emotional connection between the two of you. In my clinical experience, it dilutes the intimacy in a relationship when partners spread themselves thinner. Here’s more on the less-than-optimal conditions polyamory can create.

Jealousy: Eventually, someone has feelings toward someone. I have seen way too many jealousy issues arise and emotional bonds form as a result of what was supposed to be meaningless sex, or a primary partner starts to feel secondary and gets hurt.

No new tricks: Sacrifice creates trust and bonds people to each other. Resisting the normal urge to have sex with other people shows a level of commitment and sacrifice that makes the relationship stronger. Bringing a new person into the mix can prevent you from putting energy and creativity into your sex life and relationship with your partner. You’re no longer working to up your game and figure out new fantasies to explore, techniques to try, and preferences your partner may have that you haven’t yet probed — or worse, you’re doing that with someone else.

The wrong fix: Some couples turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons, thinking bringing a third into their sex life will patch up some different issue entirely. While the addition of others in your relationship may be exciting, it does not solve the longer-term, bigger issue of how to keep things fresh in your relationship and how to become a better lover to your partner.

If you are going to have a polyamorous relationship, make sure that you and your partner clearly define the rules, limits, and boundaries of your arrangement. Communication is of the utmost importance. In situations like this, faithfulness is defined by honoring those commitments and boundaries. Keep your promises, but also leave room to renegotiate, in case either one of you has different reactions than you expected. Understand that both partners must agree to change the terms of a relationship, and consent under pressure does not count as a collaborative agreement. If you think your friend has entered into this unconsciously or without her full consent, then yes that’s cause for concern. If she’s all-in and working to love all members of her relationship fairly while getting a bounty of love (and great sex) in return? She’s probably doing just fine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!