Category: Sex and Relationships

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How to Have a Threesome

— Whether You’re Single or in a Relationship

by Gabrielle Kassel

Third time’s the charm? More like: add a third, have a climax!

Today we’re talking all things three-ways.

Whether you’re monogamous, monogam-ish, open, polyamorous, single, dating, married, or somewhere in between, you’ll find something in this beginner’s guide for you.

The definition of threesome is probably looser than you think it is.

Ready? A threesome is sex between three people.

And sex is any meaningful act of pleasure that happens in person or with the help of technology, as defined by sex educator, psychotherapist, and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.

So a threesome could be anything from an R-rated group chat or a three-way phone sex call to an oral sex chain or an Eiffel Tower.

“Threesomes aren’t a cure-all for a broken relationship,” says certified intimacy educator and sex coach Stella Harris, author of “The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes.”

“The added pressure of an extra person is likely to amplify any cracks in a pre-established relationship’s stability,” she says.

Basically, a threesome is the opposite of a Band-Aid.

“For threesomes to go smoothly when there’s an existing couple involved, that relationship already needs to be solid,” she adds.

A solid relationship is one in which you can:

  • talk about both your wins and insecurities
  • hear your partner and feel heard by your partner
  • trust each other

Think about it: A threesome offers more hands, holes, and lips, as well as more scents, tastes, and sounds.

So the most common reason people have threesomes is to experience pleasure.

But there are other reasons, too. You might want:

And, hey, taboos can be hot!

The disparity between the number of folks who want to have a threesome and the number of folks actually having them is probably a lot larger than you’ve been led to believe.

Ready?

According to a survey of 4,175 adults conducted by Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a sex researcher and author of “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life,” 87 percent of women and 97 percent of men fantasize about having sex with more than one person.

The survey didn’t break this fantasy down into specifics, so this figure could include other forms of group sex, too.

All that said, some researchTrusted Source suggests that only 10 percent of women and 18 percent of men have actually had a threesome. Sigh.

It’s important to note that neither the survey nor the 2017 study mentioned above polled folks of other genders.

A sad consequence of living in a sex-negative society is that many often assume that threesomes are reserved for the kinkiest among us.

While there’s nothing (!!) wrong with this, the truth is that engaging in group sex doesn’t have to say anything about who you are.

Anyone who wants to have a threesome can have one!

N-O-P-E!

You can be any gender, sex, or sexuality and enjoy a three-way.

“There’s a common fear amidst straight men that you can’t be in a threesome with another man and still be straight,” explains Shelby Ring, sexuality advocate and lead educator with Ruby Riot Creatives (a boutique videography firm based in Charleston, South Carolina).

“But you can absolutely have a threesome with another man and still be straight as a door nail.”

Remember:

  1. Being in a threesome with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be touching them.

  2. Sexual acts don’t determine sexual orientation — only self-identification does.

Historically, threesomes have been named according to the make-up of males and females in them.

These terms include:

  • MMM: Male-male-male
  • FFF: Female-female-female
  • MFM: Male-female-male
  • FMF: Female-male-female
  • MMF: Male-male-female
  • FFM: Female-female-male

Nowadays, these designations are considered out of style.

The terms “male” and “female” suggest a biological binary that doesn’t exist.

Sometimes, the phrases “penis-owner” and “vagina-owner” are used to explain the make-up of a threesome. For example, PPV means a threesome with a penis-owner, penis-owner, and vagina-owner.

But these terms can create gender or genital dysphoria in folks who don’t feel connected to their genitals.

The best way to describe the configuration of your threesome is by the genders of each person involved. Are two of you nonbinary and one of you gender-fluid? Just say that!

A threesome isn’t a puppy! You can’t put it in a box with a bow under the Christmas tree, whip it out mid-romp, and yell “surprise.”

Introducing a third person into the bedroom requires tact and lots of open communication.

For instance, you might say:

  • “Babe, have you ever had a threesome? Or wanted to have a threesome?”
  • “I had the hottest threesome dream featuring you, me, and Ruby Rose last night. Can I tell you about it?”
  • “I recently read an article about threesomes, and it made me think it’s something that might be really fun to try together. Is it something you’d ever be interested in?”

Another option: Watch an episode or movie with a threesome or group sex scene together, then do a temperature check.

Popular movies and shows with group-play representation include:

  • “Sense 8”
  • “The L Word”
  • “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
  • “Easy”
  • “House of Cards”
  • “Elite”
  • “Game of Thrones”

While watching, you might consider saying, “Do you ever fantasize about doing that?” or “Have you ever wanted to have a threesome with me and another person?”

Of course, if they’re recoiling with discomfort, read (!) the (!) room (!).

 

Before you and your partner decide to move forward, Harris recommends that you both examine why you want to have a threesome.

“Are your ‘whys’ compatible? How does hearing their reasons make you feel?” she asks.

You’ll also want to discuss your relationship with jealousy.

“Are you prone to jealousy or insecurity? Do you feel comfortable speaking up for yourself and your boundaries?” she adds.

“Remember: Multi-person play can end up pressing on any weak points in your confidence or relationship.”

This depends on a variety of things, like whether you’re looking with someone else or alone and if physical distancing orders have been lifted.

Use a dating app geared towards threesomes

“There are dating apps geared toward kink or open relationships, which allow you to screen for people who are game for this kind of play before making your approach,” Harris says.

Some popular threesome dating apps include:

Or respectfully use another dating app

Obvi, there are other dating apps, too.

If you use an app that isn’t geared specifically toward group sex, Harris recommends that you “make sure to be transparent that you’re dating as a couple, or that you’re single and looking to join a couple.”

Attend an IRL or URL sex party

“In a sexually charged environment, like at a sex club or play party, these kinds of proposals typically feel pretty natural,” Harris says.

To find the sex clubs nearest you, hit up Google. Search for “sex club in [insert city here].”

To find a local play party, ask the educators at your local feminist sex shop.

Look within your polycule

If you’re polyamorous, you might consider looking within your non-monogamous network! As the saying goes, a polycule that plays together stays together…

You might say:

  • “My other partner finds you incredibly beautiful, and we were wondering if you might be interested in sleeping with us both?”
  • “You know my other partner? We’re interested in having a threesome together. Is that something you might be interested in?”

Don’t only talk about the potential threesome

Whether IRL or URL, “make sure to show an interest in the potential third beyond just sex,” Harris says.

Instead of launching right into threesome talk, get to know them.

“You want to find people you can enjoy talking to, not just fooling around with,” she says.

“Before you start playing, clarity is crucial,” Ring says.

Before clothes start coming off, she recommends discussing:

  • STI status
  • the sex acts that are “acceptable sex acts”
  • the birth control methods that are going to be used and by whom
  • the barrier methods that are going to be used, by whom, and when
  • the desired frequency for the three-way
  • whether there’s potential for the three-way to evolve into a (romantic) triad
  • where everyone will be sleeping after the threesome
  • the types of interactions you’ll have in the days, weeks, and months after the threesome

“Though these conversations may be uncomfortable at first, the more clarity you have, the better,” Ring adds.

Plus, having these clear communications upfront may be a great precursor to feel out the others’ emotional intelligence, too.

“If someone flares up at the thought of having to get STI tested, or becomes extremely reactive when talking about off-limit sex acts, that’s a red flag.”

There’s just one rule for group play: Everyone involved needs to feel — and encouraged to feel — safe, comfortable, and respected.

Beyond that, it’s up to you all to decide who touches who, when, how, and in what order.

Be direct

Wondering how the heck to go from talking about the weather to talking about how wet (or hard) you all are? Harris recommends being direct.

“Sometimes the best way to get there is simply by being direct,” she says. “You might say ‘Would you like to go upstairs/to the bedroom?’ or ‘May I kiss you now?’”

“As long as everyone knows the plan is for a threesome, you don’t need to be coy at this point.” Fair.

Let the more experienced person be the top

Has someone in the group had a threesome before? Harris suggests letting them take the reins.

“If someone in the group is more experienced, it can help if everyone agrees to let them take the lead.”

Consistently communicate

Just as constant communication is the key to pleasurable two-person play, it’s also key to three-person play, says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg The Patriarchy.

Here are some questions you might ask throughout:

  • “How does this feel?”
  • “Do you like it like this [performs one type of touch/lick/bite], or like this [performs another]?”
  • “How are you doing, baby?”

Some folks are OK with a quick check-in before they’re out the door. Others want to cuddle or hop in the shower. Some pairs want to Talk It Out after the third leaves.

There’s no wrong post-threesome move, per say. But you do want to be respectful of everyone’s emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs.

“Like with most things, the only way to be sure you’re on the same page is to ask,” says Harris.

You might say:

  • “Does anyone need water or food?”
  • “How are everyone’s muscles, genitals, and energy levels? Does anyone need ice, a heating pad, lube, or CBD suppository?”
  • “How are you feeling emotionally?”
  • “What are you thinking about?”

“You can also check in with your threesome group the day after and invite any conversations now that the sexy dust has settled,” Matatas says.

Sure, you could you whip out Siri and ask, “What does DP mean?” Or you could pursue the short threesome term sheet below.

Unicorn

A unicorn is an omnisexual (i.e. pansexual or bisexual) individual who’s down to hook-up with both members of a pre-established couple in a no-strings-attached three-way.

Historically, the term referred specifically to bisexual women, but it has since expanded to refer to eager thirds across the spectrum.

Guest star

Often used synonymous with unicorn, the term guest star suggests that the third (who is not part of the established couple) is going to receive the majority of the attention.

Daisy chain

Daisy chaining is the three-person version of 69-ing. It involves everyone simultaneously giving and receiving oral sex.

Double penetration (DP)

Any sex act that involves one person having one or more orifices — anus, vagina, or mouth — filled with two things.

This could include any combination of penises, dildos, ball gags, butt plugs, other sex toys, or fingers.

Double vaginal penetration (DVP)

This happens when a vagina-owner has their vaginal canal simultaneously filled by two penises, two dildos, or one of each.

Threesomes can be pleasurable as long as there’s plenty of chit-chat along the way.

So, in the words of Tash Sultana and Matt Corby, “Let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out. Baby let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Complicated

— Love and Sex in 2021

By Isabelle Lee

Whether you are single, married, dating or just keeping it casual, the new pandemic normal has our relationships a little discombobulated. From socially distanced first dates on a park bench or over FaceTime, to a suitor trying to steal a kiss only to be Heismaned with a loud warning of “6 feet!” meeting people has not been easy. Maybe you’re married, and you now know that your spouse uses phrases like “let’s circle back” or “synergy” unironically at work. From current trends and content to spice up your day to Black-owned sex toy brands to buy and ways to practice self-love, today’s Sunday Magazine rings in Valentine’s Day by diving into the complicated world of modern love.

Appy V-Day. Many apps are stepping up to the plate for couples looking to reconnect this year. Love Nudge, based on Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages, will help you identify your love language and set goals with your partner to express how much you care. Designed as an alternative to real-life couples therapy, Relish is meant to help identify and solve problems in your relationship. Coral is a sex and intimacy coaching app that will help you and your partner get on the same page and explore new communication methods. Femtech startup Emjoy is all about sexual empowerment well-being, whether you’re single or partnered up.

Another Level of Cuffing. Each winter you’ll find plenty of people getting into a relationship for the added body heat, a phenomenon known as “cuffing.” The pandemic version is known as “apocalypsing” — when you treat every relationship as if it’s your last — and nearly one-third of Gen Z users polled by dating app Plenty of Fish admits to doing it. Is it love, or are you just desperate to hold onto the one normal person you met on Hinge while the world collapses around you? Anyone else looking forward to getting a vaccination verification badge on Tinder?

On the Spectrum. There are some 70 million people across the globe on the autism spectrum; for them, social interaction is a challenge, making the dating world extra daunting. At last dating apps such as Hilki and Aspie Singles are emerging that cater specifically to this population, with some offering coaches to help read social cues and others tailored to address problems around sensory processing.

Judgment Day. You wouldn’t think it from the broader culture, but 1 in 4 Americans still disapprove of any and all sex outside the bonds of marriage — even if the couple is in a committed relationship. The numbers are fairly consistent across demographics, with the biggest deciding factor, more than age or political views, being how religious you are. But disapproving isn’t the same as abstaining: 85-90 percent of Americans aged 15-49 report having engaged in premarital sex.

love and marriage

Boom or Bust. When lockdown first started, many people expected divorce rates to skyrocket. While most people would agree that the pandemic increased stress in their relationship, the proportion of people reporting their marriage is in trouble actually fell from 40 percent in 2019 to 29 percent in 2020. Maybe it’s because, for some, household responsibilities like chores or child care are being more equitably divvied up between partners — though women continue to take on a greater share of house work — or maybe it’s simply a necessity to renew your commitment to your partner if you’re with them 24/7. Apocalypsing for the win.

Pandemic Parenting. After the year from hell, 2021 is all about helping moms heal from 2020’s craziness and finding ways to support them going forward. The blurred lines between child care, working from home and domestic chores are causing a crisis for America’s mothers. On the flip side, the pandemic is strengthening the bonds between father and child. More couples are sharing child care responsibilities than ever, with 70 percent of fathers reporting that they feel closer to their children since the pandemic —even if they might not be doing as much to help as they think.

Stalking 2.0. Domestic abuse is not a new phenomenon, but its direction during the pandemic certainly is. Domestic abusers are exploiting technology like never before, especially location-sharing tech, home cameras and smart doorbells. Some survivors have even reported their abuser using location tracking software to blackmail them for breaking coronavirus regulations. While resources for people suffering intimate partner violence look a little different right now, help is out there, whether it’s a hand signal on Zoom, an app or a hotline.

In Pod We Trust. While many people report that the pandemic has cost them some friendships, those that remain have become healthier. Thank God for pods, those tight-knit circles of people hailed as a balm for pandemic blues. But be careful how you go about defining and regulating your pod — finding pod members who are on the same COVID-safe wavelength as you is paramount. And as seeking out new friends becomes harder at a distance, apps like Bumble Bff are taking the dating game and applying it to buddies.

No Mask, Big Problem. We all know one, a pandemic rule-breaker friend. Maybe you’ve had to block them on social media after one too many Instagram stories flaunting the group gathering they’re attending. Maybe you’ve had to stop seeing them because you know they’re being irresponsible. If you have, you aren’t alone, but there might be more cause for hope than despair. Harvard researchers found only a small decline in the quality of friendships and relationships in the pandemic, a trend they expect to continue.

Oldies but Goodies. One trend we’re seeing more of: going back through your contacts and finding new friends among the old ones. Maybe it’s a fellow camper that you’ve lost touch with but you live in the same city, or a high school classmate you haven’t seen in forever. It’s become easier than ever to make new friends this year from your casual connections pool.

sex for you

Action Item: Masturbation. Lockdown has presented many people with the opportunity to get acquainted with themselves, if you know what I mean. A recent survey by condom company SKYN found that 39 percent of people were masturbating more during the past year, while 49 percent were watching more porn. It’s just another version of everyone’s favorite term of late: self-care.

Listen for a Good Time. Maybe you’ve tried to watch porn, and it just isn’t for you. Don’t despair because there is a new kind of erotica that might tickle your fancy. Companies like Quinn and Dipsea are pioneering the audio porn frontier. With recorded content that ranges from “appreciative boyfriend” to every possible fantasy your brain can cook up, audio porn promises to be a stimulating way to get you in the mood.

Satisfy Me. At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, the Innovation Award went to sexual wellness company Satisfyer. It won for its new app, Satisfyer Connect, which syncs your sex toy with your partner’s. You can control your partner’s toy, program patterns and even link a sexy playlist. The app also lets you turn ambient sounds into vibration patterns. In a world where lockdowns are keeping partners apart, this app promises to make socially distanced sex a whole lot more fun.

No More Cold Feet. Have you ever felt like the one thing wrong with your sex toy is that it’s not warm to the touch? No? Well, either way, the sex toy geniuses at Lora DiCarlo released a new line of toys that warm to body temperature. The women-owned brand has enjoyed substantial success since launching in 2017 — hitting $7.5 million in sales — and the new heated line of toys will definitely continue to make waves, or rather, vibrations.

black-owned biz to support

Get Organized. We’ve all had it, that moment of panic when someone goes rummaging around in the drawer where you keep your sex toys. That panic inspired Lidia Bonilla to design a discreet box for your personal pleasure collection and launch Plume. The lockable box is a stylish addition to any bedside table — and there’s also a travel case so your toys can go anywhere you do.

Science Is Sexy. The name says it all. EngErotics is about engineered pleasure, using the best in science and engineering to create best-in-class intimacy products. From devices like the ‘Shroom and Progasm to CBD-infused intimate care products, this women-led company is bringing hard science to the pleasure space.

Condoms for a Cause. Entrepreneur Jason Panda is revolutionizing the world of safe sex. After practicing law, the Morehouse College alum started b condoms, the only African American-owned condom company in the country. B Condoms not only leans into fostering conversations about health disparities, but they work to address them as well by hosting events and distributing condoms in communities.

I Want Candy. Temmy Wallace’s sex toy company sits in the sweet spot where pleasure and education meet up. Appalled by the lack of education about sexual pleasure products, she decided to start her own company, iCandi, that provides outstanding customer service and high quality products — bridging the gap between what you might have learned about pleasure in middle school sex-ed and adult needs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m A Sex Therapist

— Here Are 6 Questions I Get Asked About Sex In Long-Term Relationships

By Dania Schiftan, Ph.D.

As part of the 10-step program for increased sexual responsiveness that I lead women through in my new book Coming Soon, I also share dozens of questions I commonly receive from people about the sex they’re having (or not having) in their long-term relationships. Here’s just a smattering of those questions and how I answer them:

1. At the beginning of my relationship, I came to orgasm much more quickly and more often during sex. Why is that?

Emotional passion, which is usually greater at the beginning of a relationship than later, influences our desire for sex. Hormones massively boost our sensations and cause us to feel touch more intensely. Couples also tend to move much more at the beginning than they do later. The desire to explore a new body calls for activity. When a relationship is new, we are usually in a phase where everything flows, and time flies. At this stage, we’re sending and receiving stimulation that leads to greater desire and more orgasms on all levels and through all channels. Some couples look back wistfully at the beginning of their relationship and think they’ve lost this passion for each other. But this, too, is a fallacy because passion can also be learned!

2. Won’t I be emotionally absent if I just concentrate on myself during sex? Won’t the sex be impersonal if I’m getting lost in my own world?

You’re not absent—you’re just focusing on yourself and on your sensations and experience with your partner. If you’re thinking about your grocery list or feeling annoyed by your partner during sex, you’re much more absent. But sure, at first your partner may be confused to see you moving more or taking more care of yourself. In the long run, he’ll benefit from this too.

Apart from that, many men say it’s important to them to feel how aroused their partner is. If two people lie in bed, each waiting for the other to become aroused, not much will happen. The arousal of one person has a positive effect on the arousal of the other.

3. Won’t the sex be worse if I’m more selfish?

The sex will change, but it certainly won’t get worse. Over time, it will get much, much better—because you’ll enjoy it more, and that will turn your partner on. By concentrating more on your sensations, you’re more in the here and now, and you can react more to your partner’s arousal. Neither of you will be distracted by unerotic things like your last credit card bill. But yes: Improving sex means changing it. And with change comes risk. If you do what you’ve always done, you at least know what you’re getting. It takes courage to trade something familiar for something new. Dare to try it.

4. What should I do if I don’t feel like sex—for example, if we just had a big fight?

Of course, you don’t have to have sex then, or ever. But maybe you’ve noticed that you can use your body to influence your feelings, and not just the other way around. Anger, bad moods, or stress can change for the better if you and your partner have a nice, passionate time on a physical level. You don’t need to be in perfect harmony for that.

Having sex despite a fight can have a totally positive effect on your relationship: On the one hand because sex and orgasms help you to relax, and on the other hand because it’s a way to come closer to each other again. But how can you open yourself to sex when you feel no desire? By throwing yourself into it even if you don’t feel like it. Think of the party principle: Go to your partner, make out with him, stroke him tenderly. That way, you stop the downward spiral. Of course, I’m not saying you should have sex against your will. It’s just about giving yourself or each other a chance to see whether your appetite grows when you taste the food. Like the words one of my students has as a tattoo: “When you cuddle, you repair each other.”

5. What should I do when my partner doesn’t feel like it?

After a while, many couples end up in a pattern of “reverse seduction.” This subject would be enough to fill a book, but in short what it means is this: The partners blame each other, are easily offended, and have very specific ideas about how they want to be seduced. But seduction actually means, “How can I get the other person to do something that I want to do?” As a seductress, you have to think about how you can motivate your partner to participate. For example, if you want to go see a sappy movie and you know it’s not the kind of film your partner likes, you have to get creative and think about how you can get her to come anyway. You promise popcorn and rave about the actress. You think about what she might go for. If you know her soft spots, you exploit them. Translated to the bedroom, this means, “How can I make sex appealing to my partner again?”

6. We’ve known each other so long. Wouldn’t it be strange to suddenly pretend I don’t know what my partner wants?

Rethink your understanding of seduction. In your daily life, you’re often trying to make what you want appealing to your partner. Why shouldn’t you do the same with sex? Think about how you seduce him in other parts of life, and transfer this to sex. Let go of clichés. Seduction doesn’t necessarily mean a garter belt and negligee. It starts long before sex. It could be text messages, long looks, playing with closeness and distance, casually stroking his arm, and then going away again. But if you want to wear a garter belt, go for it! Courage always pays off.

In a long-term relationship, you experience a lot together and know each other inside and out. This is wonderful, but it also brings you so close that you rarely have a chance to long for your partner or see him from a distance. This happens automatically: The other person is always there. An erotic relationship, therefore, requires a little distance and space now and then: alone time. This is very important for your sexuality as well. I advise my patients to spend time alone or with friends and to deliberately plan time for themselves. This leads to being excited about each other again—and maybe even to feeling in love.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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25 Best Couples Therapy Techniques, Exercises, and Activities to Try in 2021

by Jillian Goltzman

Online resources and telehealth has made couples therapy more accessible than ever.

If you’re looking to engage in self-improvement and enhance your relationship, there’s a multitude of techniques and exercises at your fingertips.

Couples therapy techniques

Reflective listening

“Reflective listening is a highly beneficial exercise where the couple take turns being active listeners,” says Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist at Atlanta Couple Therapy.

Use “I” phrases instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you do X” instead of “You’re wrong for doing X.”

“When couples take turns being active listeners, it boosts healthy communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills for the couple,” Louis says.

Emotionally focused therapy

Many therapists use a method called emotionally focused therapy (EFT).

The goal is for couples “to identify maladaptive patterns within the relationship that are interfering with secure bonds and attachments,” says Ansley Campbell, a clinical director at The Summit Wellness Group.

People “learn and utilize techniques to heal or create safe and secure attachments within the relationship,” she explains.

Narrative therapy

The practice of narrative therapy revolves around people describing their problems in narrative form and rewriting their stories. This can help them see that no single story can possibly encapsulate the totality of their experience.

“There will always be inconsistencies and contradictions,” says Sam Nabil, CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics.

Narrative therapy may be helpful for couples who feel like their relationship is failing due to both of their faults.

“These couples often believe that they’re subject to this romantic pitfall and emotional trauma because they have been a ‘failure’ from the start and it is what they ‘deserve,’” Nabil says.

Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a popular method practiced among couples therapists. The technique is designed to help couples deepen their understanding of one another while managing conflict in their relationship.

The Gottman Institute has more than 40 years of research under its belt. It provides live workshops and take-home training materials for couples, but many therapists have also trained using the Gottman Institute’s methods.

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, emphasizes the connection between adult relationships and childhood experiences.

By understanding childhood trauma, the therapy seeks to make couples more empathetic and understanding of one another.

Solution-focused therapy

If you’re experiencing a particular issue or want to work toward a specific goal, solution-focused therapy is a model to consider.

According to the Institute for Solution-Focused Therapy, the practice is “a short-term goal-focused evidence-based therapeutic approach which helps clients change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems.”

Couples therapy exercises and activities

Get crafty

“Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you are having issues within the relationship,” Louis says.

She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody your relationship desires.

“It’s a tangible reminder that a marriage is a work in progress, and that it takes hard work and time on both ends to create a strong, healthy, and long lasting relationship,” she says.

Find deeper topics to engage with

Get over surface-level conversations and ask your partner questions other than “What’s for dinner?”

Kelly Sinning, a Colorado-based licensed professional counselor, likes to give her clients the homework of simply talking with each other.

“Oftentimes, we get so busy and caught up in the day-to-day needs, we don’t realize that we stop having conversations about anything else,” she explains.

Express appreciation

Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another.

“Make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it,” suggests Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Center for Heart Intelligence.

Identify your partner’s love language

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you experience love in the same way.

“The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman has helped couples identify what makes them feel loved so they can show up for each other.

The five love languages are based on the idea that each person has a preferred way of receiving love:

  • receiving gifts
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • quality time
  • physical touch

Take the online quiz with your partner to discover your love language and better understand each other.

Schedule important conversations

Are you looking to have an important or difficult discussion with your partner? Take it from the experts: Serious talks are best when you have a plan.

“We often engage in conflict because the timing is wrong, and we aren’t in a frame of mind where we can thoughtfully engage in conversation,” says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, with Amethyst Counseling and Consulting.

She advises tough conversations be scheduled in advance so no one is caught off guard.

Pencil in one-on-one time

While life can feel hectic, don’t let outside pressures override time with your partner.

“Scheduling an hour of ‘couples time’ to get intimate is a great start. Scheduling an hour of time to focus on topics that will help improve the relationship can be done several times a week or once a week,” says Grazel Garcia, LMFT.

Fill your intimacy bucket

As a couple and as individuals, understand that you both have intimacy needs.

Garcia calls this the “intimacy bucket,” which includes the following types of intimacy:

  • intellectual
  • experiential
  • social
  • emotional
  • sexual

Spend time finding exercises in each bucket. For example, you can explore a new hobby together or socialize with mutual friends on a Zoom game night.

Practice partner yoga

Consider teaming up with your partner for couples yoga.

Partner yoga allows you to balance together with your partner, establishing and strengthening trust as you flow through tandem moves.

A 2016 study linked mindfulness to increased relationship satisfaction. By synchronizing your breathing, you’ll be one with your partner during your practice — and the benefits may even exceed your yoga class.

The 6-second kiss

Don’t knock this technique before you try it. Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, advocates for the 6-second kiss. It’s a way for couples to add a dash of romance seamlessly throughout the day.

The kiss is just long enough to be passionate while also acting as a distraction from the busyness of the day.

Show interest in each other’s day

When was the last time you asked your partner what they were most excited about for the day?

Spending a few moments discussing your partner’s agenda and goals will help support them and make them feel cared for in your relationship.

With her clients, Prost finds that “curiosity can help your partner feel connected to you.”

Share a list of things you want from your partner

Write down three things your partner could do weekly that would make you happy. Share your list with one another while looking in each other’s eyes.

The lists may not be something your partner can do every day, but a reminder of things they can manage to do once a week to help build trust and communication.

“The point is that we all show and need affection in different ways, and honoring those differences is essential to feeling heard and understood,” says Nyro Murphy, LCPC.

Have an icebreaker

You might remember icebreakers from summer camp or work seminars, but this go-to conversation-starting game may help reinvigorate your relationship and teach you something new about your partner.

Reintroduce yourself to your partner by setting time to discuss icebreaker questions that dig beneath the surface.

Connect through music

Remember the days of making your school crush the ultimate mixtape?

A 2011 study found that shared music preferences create stronger social bonds.

Feel the nostalgia and curate your own playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and the moments you’ve shared. Swap your playlists and get a peek into each other’s romantic side.

Start a book club for two

Reading can allow you to share an experience together at your own pace. Alternate the responsibility of choosing a book that’s grabbed your attention, and set a date to discuss it over dinner.

Eye gazing

Initiating long-held eye contact with your partner may help you two feel a stronger connection.

Prolonged eye contact can help you recognize emotions, build trustTrusted Source, and increase intimacy.

A 2018 study associated eye gazing with “self-other merging,” reducing the boundary between yourself and the other person to feel unity.

As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give it a try?

Practice gratitude

Gratitude has many benefits, including boosting well-being for yourself and your relationship.

A 2017 studyTrusted Source found that sharing gratitude with your partner increases oxytocin, a hormone that helps calm you and decrease stress. Researchers in the study found that gratitude led to a “greater experienced love” in the 129 participants.

At the end of each day, take time to share three things you’re grateful for with your partner.

Increase your cuddle time

There’s a reason why cuddling with your partner feels so good: Cuddling causes your body to release oxytocin and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone.

Penn Medicine reports that hugging can also lower resting blood pressure and regulate sleep patterns. If you’re feeling warm and fuzzy, your body is doing its job!

Invest in a therapy workbook

Find a couples therapy workbook in a book store or online and take time each week to go through assigned activities with your partner.

Dr. Annie Hsueh, PhD, of Hope and Sage Psychological Services, recommends her clients read and answer the question prompts in “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Hsueh also recommends “The Couple Home Connection System,” a workbook filled with exercises designed to help couples connect in “deeper, more meaningful ways.”

Unplug from your devices

According to a 2014 report by the Pew Research Center, 25 percent of people in a serious relationship say cellphones distract their partner when they’re alone together.

If distraction and a feeling of absenteeism is infiltrating your relationship, experiment with setting aside time to fully unplug and communicate with each other.

Every relationship has conflict. Learning how to handle your conflicts can not only patch up your issues but also make your relationship much stronger.

In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship.

Like any form of therapy, couples counseling requires a commitment and willingness to open up from both involved parties.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 98 percent of people reported marriage and family therapy services as good or excellent.

Counseling doesn’t have to be a guarded practice reserved for any “type” of person. Couples therapy can help anyone in a relationship, regardless of demographics like sexual orientation and age.

“Couples can form a more secure bond with one another and be able to have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away,” Hsueh says.

When committing to couples therapy, come with an open mind, and be ready to break down the barriers of communication.

If you’re in need of a relationship refresh, counseling may be a great option for you.

No matter your situation, every couple can benefit from participating in couples therapy and acquiring a toolkit to deepen their connection with their loved one.

“The benefits to couples therapy are endless. The mere act of seeking couples therapy can be a demonstration of the significance and importance you place on your relationship,” says Nikki Young, LMFT.

“My goal in couples therapy is to teach couples how to navigate life together as a team, so that ultimately they say, ‘Hey, thanks for the support, but we got it from here,’” she adds.

The perks of couples therapy can include:

  • having a third-party mediator to help facilitate constructive conversations
  • finding new ways to communicate with your partner
  • decreasing distress and conflict within your relationship
  • being intentional with your time and words
  • setting time to dedicate to the improvement of your relationship
  • creating a safe, calm space in therapy to discuss difficult topics
  • practicing techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy
  • forming action plans to make your relationship a priority
  • identifying harmful or damaging patterns in your relationship and working around them
  • rebuilding trust with one another
  • establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship
  • having a therapist who can identify underlying issues and emotions you might not be aware exist
  • discovering and developing valuable skills to manage conflict
  • finding common ground and learning to relate to each other in a loving, kind way
  • feeling supported and listened to in your relationship
  • building skills to identify your needs and wants in a relationship

When it comes to committing to couples therapy, partners can start therapy for any reason that causes them conflict, distress, or mistrust.

Some common reasons couples may seek therapy include:

  • the need to rebuild trust after infidelity or deceit
  • to enhance physical and emotional intimacy if you’re feeling unsatisfied
  • to overcome trauma
  • going through a transition together, like parenthood or a big move
  • having different, conflicting views on how to parent
  • to help manage substance use disorder recovery for one or both partners
  • to learn more about the relationship and prevent future
  • feeling lost in the busyness of life
  • experiencing the grief of losing a loved one
  • the desire to have fun within your relationship and reignite your spark
  • anger issues that make it difficult to resolve conflict in a rational way
  • wanting to define the significance and seriousness of a relationship with the help of a third party
  • working through infertility
  • blended families and step-parenting
  • career pressures and job changes
  • financial problems

“Oftentimes, couples wait to seek therapy until they have reached a point of crisis within their relationship. And while this is likely a fitting time to seek couples therapy, please consult with a provider to ensure couples counseling is the right avenue of support,” Young says.

But in dangerous or dire situations, mental health professionals may advise another path.

“There are times when couples therapy is not indicated, such as situations of characterological domestic violence or an ongoing affair. In situations such as these, the therapist will likely recommend individual counseling instead,” she says.

No problem is too big or small for therapy, especially with the help of an experienced licensed professional.

From feeling disconnected to your partner to overcoming infidelity, exercises and techniques developed by licensed therapists can rehabilitate your relationship and improve your communication skills.

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Diamonds Aren’t Special and Neither Is Your Love

We’ve coupled love to marriage and marriage to gems, and all three thrive on the assumption of rarity. What would it mean for love to be common?

By Jaya Saxena

In South Africa there are mines full of more diamonds than humanity could ever want or need. You won’t get the chance to see most of them; few are flawless enough to enter the jewelry market. As the stones are excavated, carved, and judged by the four C’s—color, carat, cut, clarity—they are whittled down until only the most perfect remain.

Only about 20 percent of mined diamonds are of gemstone quality, and of those, a significant portion still have visible “flaws” or discolorations. Based on these statistics and these rigorous criteria, the diamond you might be inclined to think of, the one shimmering in the window of Tiffany’s or on a newly engaged woman’s hand, indeed seems rare. After all, it’s the perfect stone, meant to represent the perfect relationship. How often would that come along?

“Perfect” diamonds may be less common than their colorful, pockmarked counterparts, but diamonds are abundant. The criteria used to keep some from market were created to serve the diamond industry and change whenever there’s a need to unload product (think of every celebrity who has sported a yellow or pink engagement ring instead of a white one). And most people can’t tell the difference between a real diamond and something like cubic zirconia anyway. A diamond’s perfection and rarity wind up being arbitrary.

A singular person can achieve moments of perfection: a 100 on a spelling test, a just-cleaned house, straight teeth, a just-cut gem. But even then, as soon as it’s attained, it’s dulled by the end of the pursuit, or overtaken by the anxiety of maintaining it. Perfection is harder to affix to a relationship, like a paper label sliding down an oily jar. If perfection is defined in part by its transience, then it seems anathema to something as permanent, and common, as marriage. The perfect diamond is a promise of the perfect relationship, because love is supposedly rare and so is this stone. We want the story that tells us our relationship is special. And we don’t want to accept that rarity isn’t all that meaningful.

Until the 19th century, diamonds were rare. But by about 1870, they were at risk of becoming ordinary. Huge diamond mines were discovered in South Africa, flooding the market, making the gem available, and slightly more affordable, to anyone who wanted one. This was no way to run an industry that relied upon rarity, so the major investors created De Beers Consolidated Mines Ltd., a group that took control of the diamond trade to ensure price stability for the exporting countries and companies, which is to say they owned every aspect of the industry, including how many diamonds were allowed on the market, in order to perpetuate the illusion of diamond rarity—and keep prices high.

“Diamonds had little intrinsic value—and their price depended almost entirely on their scarcity,” wrote Edward Jay Epstein in his seminal 1982 article for The Atlantic, “Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?” In it, he outlines how De Beers orchestrated a dual lie: that the diamond is rare, but also that the diamond is a symbol of commitment and love that no relationship should be without. In the 1930s, during the Great Depression, diamonds were seen as a luxury, and most women thought it absurd to spend money on one when so many more practical things could be had. De Beers hired the ad company N. W. Ayer & Son, which explicitly set the goal of creating “a situation where almost every person pledging marriage feels compelled to acquire a diamond engagement ring.” The diamond ring, which was not a thing, became a thing. The slogan “A diamond is forever” became fact, and by 1951, eight out of 10 brides in the U.S. were the recipients of diamond rings.

But De Beers knows that diamonds are worth only what they mean to the buying public, and diamonds may be in crisis again. Americans are waiting longer to get married, and progressive social politics have opened up the idea of who can get married, and made people question whether or not marriage needs to be the end point of a committed relationship. The recession once again spooked a generation out of such an impractical investment. De Beers knows, maybe better than we do, that perfection is a moving target.

There was no first conversation about marriage with my partner, Matt. It had always been there, the assumed outcome from the moment we got together for the third time. The first time was in high school, so it didn’t count. The second time, at 21, I felt the weight of forever bearing down on my shoulders. It seemed obvious that this would be the ending, and I didn’t want to go down that road yet, so I left on one of those around-the-world trips that are supposed to stuff you with enough “life experience” in six months to let you skip over the hard work of growing up. Matt left a key for me for when I returned, and I waited in their bed, eating boxed cookies they had left and listening to a playlist they had made, until my eyes rolled shut. I woke to Matt sliding into bed and enveloping me, and to the thought that I would never have to do anything else. Maybe I was like one of those chickens that needs a new chicken to be introduced to the coop while they’re asleep, otherwise they’d be too aware of change and run away. But by morning we both knew where we were going.

Years later, I gave my partner a diamond ring. The diamond had been passed to me by my aunt, and was passed to her from my great-grandmother—a bit of luck since we were each the eldest or only granddaughter of our generations. My aunt had it reset in a yellow-gold ribbon-esque setting, too big for me, but it sat in my jewelry box, ready for me to do whatever I wanted with it.

It didn’t even occur to me that proposing was what I was doing when I walked over to Matt’s side of the bed, ring outstretched, and said that I wanted them to have this for whenever they were ready, because I was ready. As the woman, it felt like there was no way my ask was the real one.

Over the next few months I joked that if Matt didn’t propose soon, I would, as if that would be the most absurd outcome of our relationship, and as if I hadn’t already done so. A proposal—the right kind, the one in which I was being asked—would not change our relationship or our commitment to each other, but I wanted it all the same, and was deeply uncomfortable with that knowledge. I wanted something beautiful and special, and now I was scared I wouldn’t get it, or that it wouldn’t be as wonderful as I had been led to expect.

A proposal isn’t necessarily a bad thing to want. As silly as the presentation of a diamond ring could be, occasion marks intention in a way a series of small conversations just doesn’t. Asking someone to say yes or no in a life-changing situation grants the other person an awesome power. They’re not being asked to go along with a suggested plan; they’re being asked to decide. Still, eventually Matt proposed, and now I’m a woman who was proposed to with a fucking diamond ring. Just the way De Beers wanted it.

We’ve coupled love to marriage and we’ve coupled marriage to diamonds, and all three thrive on the assumption of rarity. What would it mean for love to be common? For marriage to become irrelevant as its benefits are made available to all? I say this as someone in love and in a marriage, who gets fiercely defensive of those things. But I could easily have married my college boyfriend if the terroir were right. I could have married anyone, which is not something I’m supposed to think about. We know that love is not perfect, that it’s arbitrary and common, that if we grew up a state away or spoke a different language, we might not have fallen in love with the person we currently love. But to admit that would be to break the spell and rebuild our relationships on … what exactly? I don’t know how to value things if they are not unique. I don’t know how to care about something if it’s not special, and though I feel like my relationship is the only one of its kind, I don’t know why that is.

I have told myself my marriage is different—unlike everyone who crows about it in Instagram captions, we are actually best friends, we actually have been through thick and thin and know more about each other than we know about ourselves. Surely, all other married couples must be kidding on some level. They must have something to go through the rigmarole of staying together for so long, but no one has what we have. We are the only ones who got it right.

In reality, your marriage will never transcend the institution, but you want it to feel like it will. Marriage is special, so special, but also so common, and to reach the state where it starts sounding like a good idea and not a prison, it has to feel different from the mere idea of marriage. It has to feel like the two of you cracked something open and are scamming the system, and yes, you’re technically getting married, but clearly this is something grander and deeper than the law ever scratched. There’s no way, you tell yourselves, this thing you’re doing, that billions of people have done before, is ordinary. And getting to that point takes effort, not happenstance and coincidence.

The love that you build a marriage on is lying at the back of every cave, amply dull, waiting for someone brave enough to make the journey and bring the right tools. Diamonds, the perfect stones, are not scarce, and neither is love. It can show up in any size, hidden under any mantle, forged in the worst and weirdest conditions. What if diamonds were more special the more we had, and seeing one on someone else only confirmed to both of you how wonderful your shared accessorizing was? I’m trying to let my diamond make me as common as it is, part of a world in which caves overflow with unimpressive pebbles just waiting to be shined up and sold. I do not want my sense of self to be based on what others do not or cannot have. I want to feel the true abundance of love.

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How to Maintain Your Sexual Health in Long Relationships

– 2021 Guide

The sexual energy between you and your partner is what’s going to define how long your relationship will last. For some people this is still a taboo subject in 2021 but it really shouldn’t be. Speaking of relationships, things in the bedroom can really become dull after a few years. In fact, when you take a look at the statistics and what most sex therapists are telling us on this topic, most clients are those who are already in a relationship for more than four years. This is pretty normal but it shouldn’t be like that. Even after being with someone for twenty or more years, things can still be spicy if you know how to make them spicy.

In today’s article we’ll talk about maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship, so without any further ado let’s take a look at what you need to know.

Trying new things whenever you can

Even if you do the most exciting thing in your life for many years it will eventually become boring. It’s just how we humans function. We need change, we need fresh things, we need to adapt and we need to constantly stimulate our satisfactions with something that we haven’t heard or tried before. The same thing goes for your sexual relationship, and this is backed up by many professional opinions of top-tier sex therapists and doctors. Shortly put, you can’t keep things “vanilla” for multiple decades, expecting them to feel like that thrill you had on your first time.

But, feeling bored doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner anymore. It just means that you two need to start exploring and changing things up. This doesn’t have to be anything drastic, not at all actually. Something a new pair of underwear your partner has can be enough to give you that feeling of freshness and re-ignite the spark that can set the fire.

Not overdoing or forcing things in the bedroom

If you are being active in the bedroom just because you think that’s what couples need to do, and not because you feel like being active, things will surely get boring really soon. You shouldn’t force things, and you shouldn’t overdo them either. Whenever you two feel like doing something in the bedroom is the only time you should be doing something in the bedroom. Simple as that. No, there aren’t any rules you need to follow, and it certainly doesn’t mean that your marriage or relationship is about to end because you skipped a day this week. Don’t be silly.

Focusing on self-improvement which can drastically increase sexual energy

There’s nothing more attractive than seeing your partner working on improving in all fields of life. Whether this is physical exercise to sculpt their body in shape, or just trying to improve and become a happier person, it’s the most attractive thing in life. And, your partner thinks the same about you. So instead of just wondering what could be the reason for the lack of sexual energy, start self-improving, and you’ll realize that the problem is already gone.

Now of course, some people have medical conditions that prevent them from “performing” properly in the bedroom, but this is not the end of the story. There are a lot of things you can do to get back your self-confidence. The best thing is a lifestyle change but thanks to technology we have other helpful tools we can use for a boost. For more information you can click here.

Being healthier in all aspects of life, both physically and mentally

Going to the gym, or exercising at home, are both things that can drastically change your quality of life. How? Well, first of all you’ll feel better at all times thanks to the extra happiness hormones your body produces when you are physically active. Next, you’ll have a good-looking body which automatically raises your self-confidence while at the same time it increases the feelings your partner has for you. Being healthier allows you to have more stamina and to perform better in bed. If you want to be happier in your long-term relationship, physical exercise and healthy living are two things that you cannot and shouldn’t disregard.

Communicating with your partner about each and every thing

How do you know what a person likes if they don’t tell you? How can you know what your partner prefers to see or do in bed unless they tell you? Well, the same thing applies to you as well. Unless you are open and communicative about the things you like or dislike in the bedroom, your partner won’t know how to adapt and make those wishes come true. When it comes to sexual things, the picture is not as black and white. Different people have different desires. You can’t just assume that “all women like this” or “all men prefer this” and go with that mindset. Don’t guess, don’t attempt. Communicate. Nothing takes a relationship further than proper, open communication.

Mutual encouragement and accepting “flaws” and imperfections

Sometimes we feel bad about a certain imperfection and that’s perfectly normal. Although it’s silly and dumb, it’s normal. Nobody is born perfect and we all have slight imperfections that make us feel worried. Well, unless someone tells you that it’s perfectly normal to accept who you are, chances are that we’ll keep on living with the feeling of disappointment for a really long time, and this can greatly impact our self-confidence and our performance in the bedroom. Accepting your partner’s flaws and encouraging them to live how they were meant to live is very important. Don’t disregard it as it can be a complete game-changer.

Conclusion

Maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship is not the easiest thing unless you know how to do it. Thankfully, we created this guide to help you uncover the secrets of living happily with your partner for many years to come. We thank you for the time you took to read it, and we hope that we helped you learn a thing or two. Stay safe and protect your passion.

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How to seduce a man you’ve been with for a long time

It’s easier than you think!

by Faye M Smith

No couple’s sex life stays the same as it was in the early days, but that doesn’t mean it has to fizzle out completely.

Want to spice things up again? It doesn’t have to be hard. The easiest way to seduce a man could be as simple as introducing a sex toy into the bedroom or trying one of the best vibrators to use with your partner.

“Using sex toys can be a great way for a woman to seduce her partner,” says sexual wellness expert Megwyn White, who works with the innovative sex-toy brand Satisfyer. “A toy creates a bridge to new parts of the body. It can also spark a creative connection that allows you both to try out new things.”

But that’s not the only way to seduce a man. There are some other easy tricks to help.

How to seduce a man

“Seduction is about more than pumping out Barry White and wearing stockings – although those things can help,” says Sammi Cole, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand Lovehoney. “To seduce a man, you have to make the thought of sex with you the most appealing thing in the world. And, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, that means reminding them of how much you still desire them. Plus, what it is about you that they fell in love with.”

Want to give it a try? Following these rules could transform you from his significant other to his seductress in seconds.

To seduce a man you need to become a detective

First rule of seduction? In the words of the Spice Girls, you have to know what your partner wants – what they really, really want. Often worry that your partner never opens up enough about how he really feels about things in the bedroom? “Seduction has to do with guiding someone into what they secretly wish they could give themselves,” says Megwyn. “You have to be a bit of a detective to figure out what this is. And then figure out how you can bring their fantasies to life.”

And if your partner is still reluctant to open up? Don’t rush them. When it comes to seducing a man, any type of pressure or pushy behaviour could actually do more harm than good. “It can take patience to seduce someone,” says Megwyn. “Create a space for communication and if what you’re trying doesn’t work, then try it a new way the next time. For instance, you might explore reading erotica together and find something that sparks your interest and decide to play it out.”

Why you need to forget sexy lingerie if you want to seduce a man

When it comes to how to seduce a man, you need to think about awakening all his senses first. “Great sex should be a multisensory experience so awakening all his senses will really help,” says Sammi. “Sure, treat yourself to some lingerie that makes you feel fantastic, but think about all the other senses, too.”

Need some extra inspiration? “You could dab on some new perfume or scented body lotion,” says Sammi. “Plus, go for soft lighting, pick out music that helps to get you both in the mood and swap out your usual bedsheets for something a bit more luxurious. The more senses you can delight, the better!”

Then, when you’ve successfully aroused all his senses so he’s putty in your hands, you need to try taking the stimulus away. “Withholding one of the senses, such as blindfolding a partner so he can’t see, will actually help activate the others,” recommends Megwyn.

Getting out of your comfort zone helps with seduction

Feel like you are stuck in a sex rut? “Being familiar with your partner and their body is both a blessing and a curse,” says Sammi. “It’s sometimes hard to feel like a sex goddess when you’re surrounded by reminders of everyday life, and it’s the same with our partners.” The solution? “Do things outside of your usual comfort zone and do them together,” says Sammi. “Whether it’s as simple as a night away in a different setting, it can be enough to renew the way you see each other.” You could even try just moving sex from the bedroom to the sofa.

And while you are having that one night away? It might be a cliché, but pretending to be something you’re not, such as mysterious strangers, can be a seduction technique worth trying. “Lots of couples find role play an easy way to switch up their sexual routine. It helps you to see each other in different ways and free your inhibitions,” says Sammi. “The great thing about the ‘strangers meeting in a bar’ role-play situation is that it can help to recreate that fizz of excitement from when you first met.” Keen to give it a try? “Determine the story ahead of time and decide how the story will end,” recommends Megwyn.

Talking dirty can really help to seduce a man

“Talking dirty is a great way to spice things up,” says Megwyn. Not sure where to start? Don’t worry, there is an easy trick! Simply think about the way your partner speaks and then copy it. “Consider if there are certain sexy words you’ve heard them say over others,” says Sammi. “Chances are, those are the ones that they’re most comfortable hearing and saying, so that’s a great jumping-off point.”

Feeling timid? Try dirty texting. “Not only does it take away the face-to-face fear, but it gives you time to think about what you want to say or do next,” says Sammi. “You could tell them about an X-rated dream you had about them.”

And while this might sound a bit crazy, if you’re willing to give it a go then naming his genitals can actually help to seduce a man. “Try using a name that your partner prefers their genitals to be called,” says Megwyn. “It allows your partner a sense of ownership over their parts. Plus, it invites you to understand the specific way they want to experience their bodies in the moment.”

Just doing nothing can help with seduction

Not feeling confident in your ability to seduce a man? Don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, not putting on too much pressure can help. “Firstly, relax,” says Sammi. “It’s meant to be you and your partner having fun and, if you’re nervous, you won’t enjoy it as much. Besides, laughter is a great aphrodisiac.”

Then, put down your phone. “One of the sexiest things that you can do is make time for each other,” says Sammi. “When was the last time you paid proper attention to each other, without looking at your phones or other background distractions? Put aside some time, be it an hour, an evening or a weekend, and spend it reconnecting. You’d be surprised what a difference it can make.”

Still not feeling confident? Humming can help. “All women are sexy, but not all women are comfortable in their skin,” says Megwyn. Sounds like you? Try using primal sounds to express your sexuality. “Humming or mmm-ing can act as a bridge to you using your own voice to self-stimulate through the resonance field of the body,” says Meg. “These sounds will naturally be felt in your sexual centre and feel exciting.”

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5 Things the Happiest Couples Have in Common —

According to Over 11,000 Long-Term Relationships

by Emily Laurence

Similar in vein to a fountain of youth, the notion of there being secrets of relationships for long-lasting happiness feels like not much more than folklore. After all, people are different, have different needs and preferences, and are interested in varying relationship structures. According to new research though, while there may not be a single secret, certain commonalities between successful, happy unions may well exist.

When researchers examined 43 relationship studies to analyze 11,196 romantic relationships, they hoped to draw conclusions about the secrets of relationships for long, happy unions. They ultimately found five commonalities among successful couples: perceived partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, perceived partner satisfaction, and how well conflict is dealt with. Collect all five, and you’ll win the relationship jackpot, it seems.

Below, sex and relationship expert Tammy Nelson, PhD, delves deeper into each factor for long-term relationship success.

5 secrets of relationships for long-term happiness, according to scientific research:

 1. Perceived partner commitment

“How we perceive our partner’s commitment to the relationship is more important than how we perceive their commitment to us,” Dr. Nelson says. “If we believe they’re committed to staying together no matter what—even when we’re a horrible partner—then we can relax and feel confident that our relationship will weather any [situation], including a pandemic.”

To that point, feeling as though your partner isn’t truly committed to the relationship may lead to a downward spiral of negative thoughts, such as stoking a fear of abandonment. And such thoughts, especially left unresolved, aren’t optimal for long-term relationship success.

2. Appreciation

According to the data, it’s important that appreciation within a relationship is both given and received. “Appreciation is a life skill that I write about in all of my books, talk about in all of my sessions, and practice in my own life,” says Dr. Nelson. “We always get more of what we appreciate. We get more time, more attention, more affection, and more good sex when we appreciate our partner for what they do and who they are.”

3. Sexual satisfaction

“As a sex therapist, I absolutely agree that sexual satisfaction is the glue that keeps a long-term relationship alive,” Dr. Nelson says. “Sex can bind a couple together when other life problems get in the way of their companionship and day-to-day life.”

If you feel your relationship could use some work in this area, communication is key, and seeing a sex therapist—which, yes, can be done virtually—can also help.

4. Perceived partner satisfaction

While it’s important to feel sexually satisfied, the research data notes that feeling confident you’re satisfying your partner is important, too. Having a satisfied partner can boost your own confidence, after all. To boost that confidence even further and know with more certainty that you are, in fact, actually satisfying our partner, communication is key. Yep, it’s not just important to have sex—it’s important to discuss it, too.

5. How well conflict is dealt with

Striving to be one of those couples who “never fights” definitely doesn’t have to be your relationship goal—and in fact, the research says it shouldn’t be. Not only is conflict okay, it’s unavoidable. “It’s true that all couples have conflict, and it is the resolution of conflict that matters most,” Dr. Nelson says. “If a couple can resolve their conflicts and can end their arguments well, they’re more likely to stay together and be happy.” No one is necessarily born knowing the best way to handle conflict, and that’s okay. Therapists can offer tools to help.

What’s encouraging about these factors of long-lasting relationships is that they’re all theoretically possible to work on and improve—not anything that is immovable. And that’s a relationship secret worth spreading.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Kissing monogamy goodbye

Sex and relationship therapist knows from experience, open relationships can be pathway to happiness

By: Jen Zoratti

Before she literally wrote a book on open relationships, Winnipeg sex and relationship therapist Susan Wenzel was in a monogamous marriage with her husband Denys.

That is, until, he came to her wanting to discuss opening their marriage.

“It was a very scary time for me, because I had that idea of monogamy,” she recalls. “I remember feeling very dizzy, very confused, very hurt. All that anxiety kicks in.” She even kicked him out.

That was eight years ago. Now, Wenzel, 41, and her husband, also 41, are in a consensual non-monogamous open marriage, which means they are free to pursue relationships with other people — and she’s never been happier.

Her book, A Happy Life in an Open Relationship: The Essential Guide to a Healthy and Fulfilling Nonmonogamous Love Life, came out in March via Chronicle Books.

“I wanted something for people who are considering opening their relationship, so they could have a guide,” says Wenzel, who has worked with many couples who are either curious about open relationships or are currently in one through her therapy practice. Their struggles and challenges were familiar to her, and she shares her own story in the book.

“(The book) doesn’t advocate, it doesn’t say, ‘non-monogamy is the way to go’ — it just says, ‘if you are in a non-monogamous relationship or you’re considering opening up your relationship, this is a book that will help you maintain and navigate that relationship well.’”

When we think about the love stories we’re told, in fairy tales and rom-coms, monogamy — and, in particular, heterosexual monogamy — tends to be the norm, which is why some people find the idea of non-monogamy threatening.

“It questions all those beliefs we have about relationships, all the myths we have about relationships,” Wenzel says. “From the time you’re a little person, you’ve been taught that monogamy is the way to do it: you find your Prince Charming or your princess or whatever, and you live happily ever after. You’re special, you’re the true one person.

“Hearing a different story can really throw people off. People get very triggered when they hear about open relationships because of their own fears.”

“People get very triggered when they hear about open relationships because of their own fears.” –Susan Wenzel

Wenzel saw that first-hand when she and her husband came out. The response, she said, was mostly positive, “especially from my friends and people who know us; they do know we’re happy in our relationship,” she says.

But there were others who didn’t quite know what to make of it. “Again, it throws them off because it’s like, ‘How come you guys are so happy and you’re living this lifestyle that is not the norm to many people?’ But then they see we haven’t changed, we’re still relatable.

“Sometimes (monogamy) doesn’t work,” she says. “It works for some, and that’s great, but for those who are non-monogamous, I think they are worthy of finding happiness they are looking for. The common ground is people want to be happy in their relationships.”

And monogamy is not a sure route to happiness for many people, especially when one is expected to be everything to one’s partner.

“You are my confidant, you are my security, you are my lover, you are my friend, you fulfil all my sexual needs, all my emotional needs — you become everything to that person, (and) that’s doomed to fail.

“We also start taking people for granted — not because we don’t love them, but because they are ‘ours.’ There’s something about open relationships where you’re reminded that other people find your partner attractive, too.”

At first, Wenzel’s newly opened relationship was fraught, governed by control, fear and jealousy. Wenzel began to look inward in order to answer a question that both scared and excited her: “What would happen if I embraced this?” Through her own personal growth, she was able to pinpoint that a large source of her anxiety related to a childhood-rooted fear of abandonment.

“But that’s a story I tell myself because my partner is there for me in so many ways,” she says. “I know he’s reliable and dependable — that doesn’t change because he’s seeing someone else.”

Non-monogamy also opened other doors for her, including the freedom to pursue relationships with women — something she says that both her religious background and her belief in monogamy “would not have allowed me to even entertain — they’re those thoughts you have that you push away,” she says. “This is an opportunity to live my truth.”

“This is an opportunity to live my truth.” –Susan Wenzel

Wenzel and her husband have two kids, a 14-year-old son and a 13-year-old-daughter. The idea of a different family unit wasn’t completely unfamiliar to them: their Kenyan grandfather, Wenzel’s father, has two wives. “My son says, ‘No, that’s not for me’ and my daughter says, “It makes sense, sometimes I like different people,’” Wenzel says.

The couple maintains boundaries with their children: general questions only; their sex lives are not up for discussion.

In order for a non-monogamous relationship to work, trust, communication and consent are paramount. Otherwise, it’s not an open relationship. It’s an affair.

“Consent is vital,” Wenzel says. “If you step out and see other people without consent, you’re breaking the agreement that you committed with your partner, because that person thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship with you. And you’re depriving them of an opportunity to be a part of it. Maybe they’ve never brought it up because they thought it wasn’t on the table.

“When it’s consensual, you can create healthy boundaries. You can talk about safe sex. When it’s non-consensual, the other person is not aware of what’s going on.”

Which brings us to, as with all matters in 2020, to the pandemic. Wenzel has seen, especially in various Facebook groups, non-monogamous couples grappling with new challenges put in place by COVID-19.

“That is a concern, where one person wants to see their open-relationship partner, and the other person doesn’t,” she says.

Her advice is to approach the subject the same way one approaches other family members who aren’t in the same bubble. “Maybe it’s not the time to meet someone you don’t know right now, because you don’t know their history. But if you know someone’s history, you know they haven’t travelled, then that’s just like a family member outside the household. Maybe we’re not hugging, but we can still spend time with them,” she says.

“It’s important to hear your partner’s concerns, to validate their concerns if they have a problem — not just go ahead and do it. And then come up with a solution, to say, ‘Can I meet this person for coffee and no contact?’ Or, ‘Can I ask first where they’ve been?’ Making an effort to show your partner you are taking it seriously may help lessen their anxiety.”

“One belief system I changed is, ‘My husband is not the source of my happiness. I am the source of my happiness.’” –Susan Wenzel

For Wenzel, non-monogamy ended up strengthening the relationship with her husband.

“One belief system I changed is, ‘My husband is not the source of my happiness. I am the source of my happiness.’ And if I look to him to make me happy, he will fail every time. That happiness comes from within me,” she says.

“And also to know that he came into this life to do his life, and for me to do my life — and maybe we can walk alongside each other and do that life together.”

Wenzel views her open relationship as a gift that has allowed her to grow in all areas of her life.

“It’s not the open relationship that brought me happiness,” she says. “It’s the work around it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex?

What The Research Tells Us

By Kelly Gonsalves

If you’re married and not very happy with your sex life at the moment, it’s normal to wonder about…well, what’s normal. Here’s what we know about how often married couples have sex, according to research and experts.

But first an important note: “It’s important to know that a normal sexual frequency is determined by what the couple agrees is mutually satisfying,” sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, tells mbg. And she adds: “Sexual frequency is not an indicator of sexual satisfaction.”

Average number of times per week married couples make love.

According to the 2018 General Social Survey‘s data on about 660 married people who shared details about how often they had sex in the past year:

  • 25% had sex once a week
  • 16% had sex two to three times per week
  • 5% had sex four or more times per week
  • 17% had sex once a month
  • 19% had sex two to three times per month
  • 10% hadn’t had sex in the past year
  • 7% had sex about once or twice in the past year

Other studies have found similar numbers. A multiyear study of 35,000 British people published in 2019 found about half of people in serious relationships have sex less than once a week.

How often married couples make love, by age.

In 2013, AARP reported that in a study of over 8,000 people over 50 years old conducted by sociologists Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., and James Witte, Ph.D., 31% of couples have sex a few times a week, 28% of couples have sex a few times a month, 8% of couples have sex once a month, and 33% of couples rarely or never have sex.

Among people in their 70s, a 2015 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found 33% of sexually active men and 36% of sexually active women had sex at least twice a month. For people in their 80s, 19% of sexually active men and 32% of sexually active women had sex at least twice a month. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, a 2010 survey from The Kinsey Institute found almost 25% of partnered women over age 70 had sex more than four times a week.

“Frequency of sex seems to decrease overall as couples age,” Howard says. Though citing the Kinsey study, she adds, “Age is just a number!”

Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, adds: “All aspects of our sexuality can change as we age. Arousal and orgasms might take longer, desire can lower, and sexual frequency can certainly decline, particularly as a relationship matures over years. Of course, this won’t be true for everyone, but it is common.”

How often married couples should have sex.

There is no ideal number of times every married couple should be having sex. What each couple needs or wants will vary based on their own personal preferences.

“The frequency that a couple ‘should’ be sexual is the frequency that they negotiate based on their individual needs and levels of desire. There is no one size that fits all here,” Mersy says. “I hesitate to recommend a specific number because it won’t fit for a good portion of the population. When people use a statistic to determine their sexual frequency, it reinforces performative sex, which is when you go through the motions just to check the box.”

That said, Howard notes that a 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science journal found couples are happiest when they have sex about once a week. Their happiness with the relationship decreased when couples had sex less frequently than that, but it didn’t increase if they had sex more often than that.

“It seems like the magic number to sustain positive sexual well-being in a relationship is once a week,” Howard says.

Is once a month a sexless marriage?

Generally speaking, a sexless marriage is defined as one where the married couple has sex 10 or fewer times per year. That said, people have very different definitions of what counts as a sexless relationship and how much sex they personally want. Some couples have sex once or twice a year or don’t have any sex at all, and they’re perfectly happy with that. Other couples may struggle if they have sex less than once a month.

Is having sex every day normal?

According to 2018 GSS data, just 5% of married people said they had sex four or more times per week. So no, it’s not very common for married couples to have sex every day. That isn’t to say it’s unhealthy or abnormal to have sex daily if that’s what works for you and your marriage, as long as both partners are open to it.

What to do if you’re not happy with how often you have sex:

“The first thing I recommend is for partners to have a discussion about their feelings and needs,” Mersy explains. “It’s important that this gets explicitly verbalized so there isn’t miscommunication or assumptions.”

Howard adds: “I will always recommend couples to keep an open mouth when it comes to discussing sex. Talk to each other often.”

“For couples who might be struggling with sexual intimacy but feel connected in other areas of the relationship, I recommend scheduling sex. Yes, I said schedule sex,” says Howard. “It doesn’t make sex less spontaneous. Scheduling sex is a way to show your partner that you want to prioritize sex just as you do other areas of importance in your life.”

How do you do that? Howard’s advice: “Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that your sex life will run on a schedule like, every Tuesday, at 8 p.m., in the missionary position, for six minutes. No, not like that. Sometimes scheduling sex is telling your partner to be naked when you get home.”

The method might not work for everyone, she adds, and that’s OK. Try it out and see how it feels. If it’s not working, time to try something else.

“For partners who are both committed to being more intimate together, I recommend that they broaden their definition of sex, so that it doesn’t feel too narrow or pressured,” Mersy says. “One of the main exercises that I recommend is for partners to plan a weekly intimacy date. This is different from a sex date, in that it’s pleasure-focused, not goal-oriented, and geared toward physical connection in its various forms. This can involve anything from kissing, lying naked together, cuddling, showering, massaging, or sexual activity.”

4. See a sex therapist or coach.

“A qualified sex therapist or sex coach can help you collaborate on the best methods to increase the sexual intimacy in your relationship,” says Howard.

This can be a lot more fun than it might sound. Yes, there will be some tough and vulnerable conversations, but there’s also often fun sexual homework and creative ideas to bring sexual energy back into the relationship. Most importantly, bringing in a third party can help you troubleshoot through recurring blocks and clear any negative energy that might have settled around your sex life so that you two can get on the same page and start fresh.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 Ways Non-Monogamous People Are Dealing With the Pandemic

Communication, communication, communication.

By Gabrielle Smith

So. This pandemic thing sucks. We’ve been asked to sacrifice a lot for our personal safety and the collective good, like shrinking down our IRL social circles and quieting our social calendars. But that’s okay! It’s clearly all for a very important reason. Even so, there’s no denying the many impacts the pandemic has had on our romantic relationships. Sure, people are finding ways to deal. Some are doing virtual date nights. Another potential solution is to shack up with a partner—but what do you do when you have more than one?

I’m polyamorous, falling under the incredibly wide umbrella of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). As a solo-polyamorous person, I choose not to live with any partners or exert innate hierarchies in my relationships (meaning I don’t rank my partners as primary, secondary, etc.). Like many others, I was isolated from my partner at the beginning of the pandemic. I can assure you, it wasn’t fun. Now, five months after the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic, non-monogamous folks are still figuring out how to navigate this new way of life.

Within that attempt to adapt, non-monogamous folks are running into alternative difficulties, some that folks who date monogamously don’t really have to worry about. So how are non-monogamous folks dealing in these unprecedented times? Here’s how various people in the ENM community are dealing with some of the many challenges COVID-19 has created:

1. We’re now discussing COVID-19 concerns as part of our normal safety precautions.

Discussion about safety and risk, especially around transmittable diseases, isn’t new to the ENM community. Research has found that compared to monogamous folk, ethically non-monogamous people tend to be more likely to be responsible concerning condom usage and STI screening. And we talk about it with each other: When it comes to fluid bonding with new partners (meaning, having unprotected sex), explicit boundaries, communication, and STI testing are all very important.

So it’s no surprise that for many of us, our communication now extends to COVID-19 risk behaviors. On top of everything we typically take into consideration when seeing our partners and introducing new ones, now everyone has to consider who they’re breathing on. Just as we ask questions like, “How many partners have you had recently?” or “Are you engaging in risky sexual activity?” we’re now also asking questions like, “Okay, exactly how many people are you around in the average week?” or “Are you following best practices to prevent the spread of the coronavirus?”

Admittedly, it can feel more intrusive than usual, but it’s worth it. “It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable being the one asking very thorough questions regarding safety and social distancing, but I’d rather be safe than sorry,” Sharon R., 26, from Long Island, tells SELF. “The way someone responds to me tells me a lot about them. It can help me decide whether we might be a good match or not.”

2. Some folks are forming poly-bubbles.

Just like some folks formed “quarantine pods” to still see important loved ones while otherwise practicing social distancing, some polyamorous people are negotiating how to keep up with multiple partnerships via poly-bubbles. Those who already practiced “kitchen table” polyamory—where partners and metamours (your lover’s lover) are all friendly and spend time together—are particularly well-suited for this.

I ended up forming a poly-bubble of sorts with my polycule, simply because it made sense for us logistically. With a collective understanding of each individual’s boundaries, we make sure to address what we jokingly call “the committee” before making moves that may put others at risk. Our rules are mostly to lower exposure: wearing masks when we are in public, riding in car shares with the windows open, and requiring new partners to get COVID-19 tested before swapping spit, just to name a few examples.

3. Many are feeling the emotional toll of supporting multiple partners.

Obviously, life has changed drastically for many of us. With that comes immense emotional turmoil. Those with multiple partners may find themselves acting as a pillar of support for each and every partner. It’s hard to sustain. “For someone who already plays a compassionate role, there’s a lot of compassion fatigue,” Alex V., a 34-year-old, from New York, tells SELF. “The way I cope is to remind myself and others that this is only temporary. Some people have a hard time seeing through the day-to-day and find it stifling or tiresome. Feeling isolated plays with your feelings.”

4. We’ve had to recalibrate our relationships in response to COVID-19.

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced a lot of us to have difficult conversations about our partnerships. Incompatible lifestyles, at-risk activity, and different levels of vulnerability to the disease are keeping partners apart, even as testing becomes more readily available in some areas. Some of these conversations are revealing hierarchies within previously equal relationships. For example, partners might start to feel more or less prioritized thanks to the logistics of the pandemic. This fact has even caused some couples to split because they never agreed to hierarchical terms, like the couples writer Zachary Zane explored in this piece for NewNowNext.

That said, one of the nice things about non-monogamy is that relationships can be fluid more easily. It’s not uncommon for relationships to transition from serious to casual, or from romantic to platonic. Some people are putting their relationships “on the shelf” until the pandemic is over, or choosing to stay digital because they have different lifestyles despite proximity.

5. Folks are getting creative due to long-term separation.

Abiding by quarantine and social distancing is pretty much a hallmark of pandemic relationship struggles. As SELF previously reported, some polyamorous people who are quarantined with their partners are facing some logistical challenges. “I’m quarantined with my primary partner in a studio apartment, so maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend who lives elsewhere has been awkward,” Wendy X., 26, from Charleston, told SELF. “Normally we’d go out together or meet at her place, and I don’t want to make my partner sit through my FaceTime dates. So for now, we mostly text and talk on G-Chat, and video call when my partner is in the shower or at the store.”

Established partners aren’t the only ones dealing with logistical troubles, either. Dorita L., a 26-year-old from Ottawa, tells SELF that she began seeing a new partner after the pandemic began. Because her partner is immunocompromised, they had to be extra careful. “We found creative ways to date, get to know each other, and even have some fun all while maintaining social and physical distance,” she says. “[For] our first ‘romantic date’ we chose a restaurant, then each called said restaurant to order a meal for the other person without disclosing what we ordered. Our food arrived around the same time so we could share the meal together [on video chat]. It was fun to surprise each other with our meal choices and a good way to learn more about each other’s likes and dislikes.”

6. Many are putting emotional connection in the front seat.

Since it’s currently unwise to partake in hook-up culture like some of us are used to, emotional connections are flourishing. “I met one of my current partners right before our state shut down in March, so most of our dating has been done virtually,” Chloe T., a 26-year-old from Salt Lake City, tells SELF. “It was really fascinating to see how much we got to connect emotionally when direct physical intimacy wasn’t an option. Thankfully, I’ve been able to meet up with them in person a small number of times since. But having those several months in the beginning of pure emotional connection was one of the coolest polyamorous experiences I’ve had in a while.”

7. We’re asking new questions while cohabitating for pandemic purposes.

Plenty of people made the choice to move in with their partners early in the pandemic rather than face extended separation. For some, it’s required a lot of self-reflection. Ferris S., 25, from Cincinnati, has been cohabitating with their immunocompromised partner due to the pandemic and has started wondering what it means for the future of how they practice polyamory.

“I have been thinking about what it will be like when my partner and I go back to not living together and fear that we may have become semi-codependent throughout this time and will have a hard transition back to being strictly solo-poly,” they tell SELF. “I think there may be a part of me that wants to move in with him [long-term] because of how well we work together and how nice it has been, but I don’t know if I am ready to tackle that part of the jealous side of me. Like if we were bringing partners home to stay the night, would we have separate rooms? Or [would we] stay at other peoples’ houses? I also don’t know if that’s even a good idea. Just because something works doesn’t mean it’s right.”

8. More of us are connecting in online polyam communities.

Not only is this great for social distancing needs, but it’s also helping people find polyam communities who otherwise might have had a harder time. For example, cities are often hotspots for the alternative, so naturally, polyamorous communities are easy to find within them. If you live in New York or San Francisco, it’s simple to find an event like Poly Cocktails to mingle with like-minded individuals. But there’s considerably less access to free love in, say, rural areas.

However, now that online events have become the norm, non-monogamous folks from all over can come together—in whatever manner they like. More salacious members-only clubs like NSFW and Playscapes have been offering virtual play parties, offering members the opportunity to watch and share various sex acts.

9. Unsurprisingly, communication is still paramount for poly people.

This is always true for ethical non-monogamy and many of us are leaning hard on our skills. That said, just because we have practice doesn’t mean we’re not struggling, too. “Regardless of relationship structure, we’re all feeling a bit more vulnerable right now and a bit more uncertain about the future,” Morgan K., 33-year-old polyamory relationship coach from Berlin, tells SELF.

Luckily, Morgan has some advice for anyone dealing with the challenges on this list and beyond. “If we want our relationships to survive, proactive communication is a must,” she says. “We have to tell the people we love how we feel, what we’re scared about, and what we need. This is not the time to shrink, to make assumptions, or to hope they can read our minds. When radical honesty is part of our daily lives, it helps us stay solution-oriented. It offers relief and healing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Relationship Anarchy

– Examples & How To Practice

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

In 2020, viewing monogamy as the only way to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passé. Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles. In fact, a 2017 study found at least one in five people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy before. One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.

What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach “encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.

People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.

An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else. (The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)

The relationship anarchy manifesto.

The term “relationship anarchy” was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.

Love is not a limited resource. You can love multiple people without it detracting from the love that you feel for each of them. Every relationship that you have is an entirely new creation between its two (or more) parties and should be approached as such.

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement.

Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them. They are an autonomous person who can act as they wish to. Love is not a byword for bossing someone around, nor is love only real when we’re willing to compromise parts of ourselves for others.

3. Find your core set of relationship values.

Focus on what you want and need when it comes to how you will treat and be treated by others. Don’t be tempted to compromise on your inner values in order to try to keep a relationship that no longer serves you.

4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.

Be mindful of the way in which heterosexism (the assumption that heterosexuality is the only correct, moral, and desirable way to organize relationships) can corrupt your ideas about what is acceptable within relationships. Stay aware of the assumptions you hold about what gender means with relation to love and work to untangle them.

5. Build for the lovely and unexpected.

Be spontaneous in your connections. Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”

6. Fake it till you make it.

Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work. Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb. Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.

Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you. When we approach our relationships with a bedrock of trust, we do not engage in validation-seeking behaviors that can drive unions apart.

8. Change through communication.

Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s). Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel. Communication must be enacted at every step along the way in order to establish how things will function, not just when there are problems to solve. Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.

9. Customize your commitments.

Do you want to have children together but never move in together? Do you want to get married but never have children? Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners? Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen. You don’t have to travel along the accepted “relationship escalator” of dating exclusively, moving in, getting married, and having children.

Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.

A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition. While the majority of relationship anarchists are nonmonogamous and therefore have (or wish to have) sexual and/or emotional bonds with more than one person at a time, Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.

“I do believe that someone can choose to be sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist,” Winston explains. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life.”

Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.

How relationship anarchy works in practice.

It’s not really possible to give an outline of what the average relationship anarchist’s life might look like. “Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.

She continues, “A lot of people hear the word ‘anarchy’ and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships. It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”

That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is “strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one’s feelings/needs in a direct way. If someone struggles with compassionately considering other people’s perspectives or feels guilt when expressing their own feelings/needs, they likely have some personal growth work to do before being optimally ready for sustaining healthy relationships in the context of RA.”

While it’s impossible to identify an “average” relationship anarchist, some of the ways in which it might look to live an RA lifestyle are to live with a mix of romantic and platonic life partners who are all equally responsible for maintaining the household and making big life decisions. Or to have two romantic partners who aren’t given more time and precedence in one’s life than one’s platonic friends. It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers. In short, the sky’s the limit.

When people think of the word “anarchy,” they imagine a lawless and chaotic state of order, but “contrary to common misconceptions, relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people’s feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries,” says Dow.

Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out. “It’s not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships,” cautions Winston. Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchy will not solve problems you have in your current relationship.

In an interview with Autostraddle, Josie Kearns, a queer woman with a wife and a girlfriend, explains her approach to relationship anarchy like this:

“To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.’”

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The 8-Question Sex Check-In To Keep Pleasure In Tact Even During Times of Crisis

By Mary Grace Garis

One inarguable truth about this year to date is that it’s sparked quite a bit of societal shake-up, and one effect of that shake-up is probably a shift one way or the other for your libido. Maybe uncertainty and anxiety have tanked your sex drive, or perhaps the constant din of panic has made you hornier than ever,  leading you to masturbate for self care for the first time ever. Whichever way you lean, sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW wants to help ensure that you, and your relationship with pleasure, remain healthy, even during times of crisis. That’s why she recommends conducting a personal sex check-in or “mini sex-up.”

In a recent Instagram post, Howard went through the questions to ask yourself when you do a sex-up. And while conducting one during times of crisis or high stress is especially helpful, she actually recommends the practice becomes a regular part of your sexual-wellness routine.

“Taking time to question your own sexual values, attitudes, and feelings can ensure you’re having sexual experiences that are pleasurable.” —sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW

“A sex-up is basically a personal sexual checkup where one can assess how they are feeling about their sexuality or sexual relationship, at any given time,” Howard says. “Sex-ups can be beneficial to any person, no matter if you’re in a sexual relationship or not. Taking time to question your own sexual values, attitudes, and feelings can ensure you’re having sexual experiences that are pleasurable.”

Essentially, Howard’s sex check-in urges you to acknowledge and understand your sexual comfort level at this time—or, really, any time—and then prioritize your own needs accordingly. Doing so now is especially important because compounding crises can transform one’s business-as-usual relationship with sex into more of a boon or a burden—a form of stress relief or yet another stressor. So, if you’re trying to navigate how you’re feeling about sex right now (or during any difficult timeframe moving forward), Howard recommends asking yourself the following eight questions for your sex check-in:

  1. How am I feeling about sex?
  2. Am I okay with those feelings?
  3. If partnered, have I discussed those feelings with my partner?
  4. What adjustments have I made to make sure I’m comfortable and safe?
  5. Do I like the sex I’m having? Is it pleasurable?
  6. What other forms of pleasure can I engage in?
  7. If partnered, am I comfortable with my own partners interests?
  8. Can my partner and I say no to each other comfortably? Is no respected?

If you’re navigating quarantine with a live-in partner, spend time together answering these questions and talking about your respective answers to feel less alone in your experience, create a valuable support system, and strike open communication lines. While Howard also created Use Your Mouth Sex and Relationship Conversation Starter Cards ($20) to help dialogue about sex be a day-to-day presence, these specific sex check-in questions can prove helpful for understanding where someone is at particularly stressful moments in time.

“For people in relationships, this is as opportunity to discuss your feelings and thoughts regarding the sex you’re having, and to bring up ideas for sexual exploration,” says Howard. “People often have a hard time discussing sex, which is why so many people aren’t having the sex they desire. A sex-up is a great way to increase the conversation about sex and to improve the quality of sex you’re having.”

But if you’re single and, thus, skip answering the questions related to having a partner, a self sex-up could still be in order and certainly prove helpful. Consider it an opportunity to get in touch with yourself (pun intended—couldn’t resist) and consider how you might better access your pleasure.

“Sex-ups for people who aren’t partnered, and those who engage in solo sex, can help to explore and identify sexual values, attitudes and beliefs while providing space for sexual exploration,” Howard says. “Outside of much-needed sexual discussions, one of the main benefits of a sex-up is that it encourages the exploration of pleasure outside of sex.”

So the next time you find a free moment—which, to be sure, certainly isn’t always easy—choose to be present with your sexuality. You might be surprised by how much TLC that part of you needs…and how attending to your needs can help you feel so, so good and strong in the long run.

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Should You Have Sex With an Ex?

Here’s What Happened When Real Women Did It

Sometimes, it’s okay to sleep with your ex—as long as you know what you’re getting into.

By Lauren Krouse

Having sex with an ex can seem like a huge decision or just another weekend, depending on your situation. While well-meaning friends might urge you to never sleep with an ex, one 2018 study in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that it doesn’t actually hinder your ability to move on (though very little research has been done on the topic otherwise).

Regardless of how it might go, you’re not alone if you’re considering a tempting offer right now. Out of 1,000 adults, 44% admitted they’d slept with an ex, per a 2015 survey by the sex toy company Adam & Eve.

“In an honest scenario with clear boundaries and communication, sex with an ex can be safe, satisfying, and may provide some closure,” says Marcela Coto, a sexuality coach and founder of Los Angeles Sex Therapy Centers. That said, there are still risks to consider before you go for it. Even if you both have the best intentions, having sex could open up old wounds or surprise you when you feel more attached to them than you thought you would, especially if you cuddle up together afterward (you can blame the hormone oxytocin for that).

So, should you take the plunge? Read on for five common reasons people go back to their ex and what could happen after a hookup, with insight from relationship psychologists and real women who did it.

1. The sex was awesome.

“If you’re missing the best sex you ever had, that can be difficult to give up, and you don’t need to have common interests or goals in life for a hookup to be pleasurable,” says Teresa Johnson, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist based in Portsmouth, NH.

Before you dive in, though, ask yourself: Would you and your ex be satisfied with no-strings-attached-sex at this point, or would one of you have to compromise too much to give the other person what they want? Are the reasons for your breakup going to bubble up again, or are you down to get together as consenting adults without digging up old conflicts?

The bad side of great sex with an ex is that it may be easier to get sucked back into a relationship that isn’t healthy, won’t work, or both, says Rachel Needle, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, FL and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing education company that trains sex therapists around the world. In this case, remember: You will find great sex again—and in the meantime, there are always sex toys.

“My ex and I always had amazing chemistry, even after we were divorced. When we started having sex again, I thought maybe this meant we would get back together. I even told him that I was falling in love with him all over again. For a while, he did all of the ‘good things’ he did when we were married. Eventually, though, he went back to his old ways, and I realized there was no going back. Recently, I finally started saying ‘no’ to sex with him.” —Cornelia G., 57

2. You’re drunk and looking for a hookup.

That’s a no-no, relationship experts agree. “Adding drugs or alcohol into the mix will likely only make things messier. It may impair your judgment or make a much-needed quick exit that much harder,” says Coto.

If you tend to reach out to your ex when you’ve had a little too much to drink, check in with a trusted friend. They can remind you to keep your distance until you’re clear-headed again or help you come up with a smart exit strategy if you go for it and then decide you want out, advises Johnson.

“My high school boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half. After we broke up, we ended up going to the same college and becoming friends. I got drunk one night and hooked up with him. It was awful! I woke up to him gone and never saw him again. My takeaway: Don’t drink or sleep with an ex.” —Lindsay M., 25

3. Your ex is familiar, and you’re in need of some comfort.

In uncertain times, it makes sense that you might reach out to an ex if you’re feeling lonely, says Johnson. If you’re still emotionally attached to them and tired of the whole process of looking for someone new, your ex could serve as a welcome dose of familiarity and a break from dating app frustrations.

Keep in mind, though, if sex with your ex means more than “just sex with an ex” on an emotional level, you may be setting yourself up to feel worse when it’s over, warns Jared Grant, Psy.D., an L.A.-based licensed psychologist. Think of your ex like an old smoking habit: You quit, have one cigarette in a weak moment, and then have to quit all over again—and it may be even harder now, he says.

“My high school boyfriend and first love called me up one night to tell me he and his wife had split up and he’d been thinking about me. I’d just ended a long-term relationship, and I was tired of bad first and second dates. My ex and I first learned to have sex with each other so we knew everything we liked and didn’t. It was easy to jump straight back into that. Over the next month or so, we hooked up a few times. I knew it wouldn’t last, but I wanted it to. Then one night, he never showed and I never heard from him again. When it was over again, I felt weirdly glad to have had those moments again, but equally sad to have lost him all over again, too.”
—Katie B., age 30

4. You want to feel in control.

If you find yourself trying to reel your ex back in to prove you’re “still what they want” or to “show them what they’re missing,” you might want to stop right now. “I would not recommend sleeping with an ex to feel desirable or regain control because doing so is allowing the situation and your ex to define your self-worth,” says Coto.

When you’ve been in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it’s easy to get stuck in a pattern of going back to your ex, especially if your sense of self-worth has been broken down by them, says Grant. However, you’re better off talking it out with a nonjudgmental mental health professional rather than putting yourself back in a potentially harmful situation, he says.

“When I slept with my ex-husband, I did it because I wanted to feel in control and show him what he was missing. I knew he missed me and I missed him, but I also knew that his behavior was unacceptable. During our marriage, we’d had physical fights and he’d seriously hurt me. The last time we had sex, when I left his house, I felt empty and disappointed in myself. Was I so desperate for love that I’d keep going back to him? No. I had to recognize my self-worth, respect myself, and work on healing. I cut off contact from then on.” —Delores J., 49

5. You miss your ex.

Hung up on a former lover? Having sex again after you’ve taken off your rose-colored glasses could confirm that breaking up was the right decision and give you a helpful sense of closure, says Grant. On the other hand, in some cases, sex could bring you back together.

Either way, to avoid heartbreak, have a genuine conversation with your ex about what you both want from the experience and make sure you’re going in with the same expectations. If there’s even a little piece of you that’s hoping something will be reignited (and your ex may not feel the same way), then you probably shouldn’t have sex. Instead, remind yourself of why you broke up in the first place, advises Needle.

“I’d been seeing a guy named Phil for a few months when he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Disappointed and looking for a distraction, I reconnected with an old crush named Jacob. It felt good to be wanted by someone else, but I couldn’t stop thinking about a text Phil had sent me: ‘I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but if you’re still open to it, there is a rooftop and a bottle of wine with your name on it. I’d really like a chance to talk.’ With Jacob drifting to sleep beside me, I replied, ‘I miss you.’ I knew opening up to an ex went against all the advice I’d ever heard, but I trusted what I felt. The next week, I met Phil for a long conversation that started with, ‘I’m sorry.’ Phil and I have been deeply intertwined and happy ever since. Honestly, I can’t imagine what my life would look like had I followed any other voice than my own. We have been together for nearly four years and were engaged last summer.”
—Kristin S., 29

“After I got out of a toxic relationship, I ended up sleeping with my first love again. I thought that maybe we’d been together at the wrong time. Reconnecting with him was revitalizing and freeing. I also realized I wasn’t in love with him like I thought I was going to be. We just felt like humans connecting. Ultimately, the experience helped me realize that chapter of my life was over. I still liked my ex, but not romantically. Ever since, we’ve been great friends.”
—Gabby M., 30

Bottom line: No matter the scenario, it helps to know what you want before you decide to sleep with an ex.

If necessary, communicate these feelings clearly with your potential sex partner. There’s nothing wrong with having sex with an ex to satisfy your sexual needs, emotional needs, or both, but you don’t want to go into the situation blindly and end up confused or hurt, says Grant. And, if you do hook up, make sure to practice safe sex since you’re both open to other partners now, says Coto.

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Our romantic relationships are actually doing well during the pandemic

By Lisa Bonos

Can’t stop fighting with your partner about whose turn it is to do the dishes? Looking at China’s uptick in divorces that followed their coronavirus-related lockdown and wondering if a similar trend in the United States might follow?

Well, here’s encouraging news for America’s sweethearts. A recent Monmouth University poll found that most people in relationships are satisfied with them, despite the expected stresses that might come from, say, working from home together, losing a job, managing kids at home or preventing your family from getting the virus.

“Relationships aren’t perfect — there are always some underlying issues,” said Gary Lewandowski, a psychology professor at Monmouth University who helped craft the survey questions. “But on average, the relationships we’re in are pretty good.”Here are five takeaways from the survey, which was conducted April 30 to May 4, among a sample of 556 American adults in relationships.

1. About three-quarters of Americans with a romantic partner say their relationship has not fundamentally changed since the coronavirus outbreak.

When asked if their relationship had gotten better or worse since the pandemic began, 74 percent said it was about the same. Ten percent said it was a lot better and 7 percent said it was a little better. Only 4 percent said a little worse and 1 percent said a lot worse.

Weathering a pandemic adds stress, but Lewandwoski noted that when we’re stressed, “we turn to our partners,” who are generally ready, willing and able to be our support during difficult times. “A lot of people want more closeness in their relationship,” Lewandwoski added, highlighting a finding in earlier research. “Those people are getting what they wished for.”

2. Argument frequency and sex lives have changed for the better, but only slightly.

Less than 2 in 10 of those in relationships said they get into fewer arguments with their partner, while 1 in 10 said they get into more of them — and 7 in 10 said there has been no difference. And despite chatter that isolation leads to more opportunities for intimacy, only 9 percent said their sex life has improved. Still, even fewer — 5 percent — said it’s gotten worse, with 77 percent saying it is about the same.

3. About half expect their relationship will emerge stronger — and hardly any think it’ll be worse.

When looking toward the future, partnered Americans were even more enthusiastic about the strength of their relationships. A 51 percent majority said their relationships will get stronger by the time the outbreak is over and just 1 percent said their relationship will be worse. Another 46 percent said their relationship will not have changed at all.

Lewandowski noted it’s possible poll respondents were being hopelessly optimistic, but he emphasized that if a relationship has at least one partner who’s an optimist, the couple generally has higher relationship satisfaction. “Optimists handle life’s rough patches better, which is certainly helpful given the current situation,” Lewandowski said in a release announcing the poll results.

4. Married partners are more likely than unmarried ones to say their relationship has not changed.

About three-quarters of married couples said their relationship has not changed for better or worse since the coronavirus outbreak began, while just under two-thirds of unmarried couples said the same.

Among unmarried partners, 22 percent said their relationship has helped decrease their daily stress level, compared with 12 percent of married couples. Similar shares of each said they have increased levels of stress.

Lewandowski posited that the pandemic hasn’t changed married couples’ relationships drastically because they’re likely to have dealt with trying times — such as a job loss, severe illness or death of a loved one — before this moment. “They’ve traveled a lot of these paths before,” Lewandwoski said, “and have endured other stressors in their lives or relationships and have more refined strategies with how to cope with problems and stress.”

Younger people in relationships, those 18 to 34 years old, were more likely than older people to say the pandemic has affected their relationship. (Couples in that age group are more likely to be unmarried than those who are older.)

5. Most say their relationship isn’t adding to pandemic stress — but women are a little more affected than men.

A 59 percent majority said their relationship has had no impact on their daily stress level. But 29 percent of women said their relationship has added to their daily stress, while 23 percent of men said the same. The key factor for doing well during the pandemic, Lewandwoski said, is the strength of the relationship before the pandemic. “The couples who are already doing well are doing even better now,” he said.

“Overall, these results suggest that the global pandemic may not be as bad for relationships as many have feared,” Lewandowski said in the poll’s release. “Our relationships may become stronger and even more important than they already were.”

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