Category: Platonic Marriage

Posted on

Sexless relationships aren’t uncommon—here’s what to do if you’re in one

— Here’s what to do if you’re in one

It doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship’s over

By

You know how many of your pals are proudly posting about their Stanley cups, favourite books, and hot girl walks? Well, odds are, even more of your friends are silently suffering through a sex drought. So, if you’re currently craving more coitus than your partner wants to, can, or is willing to participate in, you can take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone.

Many people don’t talk about their dry spells, because it can feel embarrassing to imply that something is ‘wrong’ in your relationship, says Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. But actually, it’s a common experience. ‘Most couples go through a period of being sexless,’ she says.

Research backs this claim up: One 2018 survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found more than 15 percent of married folks hadn’t had sex the previous year. But the actual statistics may even be higher than these numbers, according to Chavez. ‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship, due to the social stigma associated with the lack,’ she says. So, the good news: you’re not alone. But, the less-good news: the knowledge that (many!) other people are currently wading through a sex drought doesn’t make it easier to figure out what you should do.

Meet the experts: Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, is a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute. Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

Ahead, sex and relationship therapists answer all your questions about being in a sexless relationship, including what causes it and what you can do to fix it. (Yes, that means that many sexless relationships can return to their sex-filled beginnings—with a little tenderness, love, care, and conversation.)

What is a sexless relationship?

Traditionally, sexless relationships are defined by a lack of—or low occurrence of— intercourse within a relationship. ‘A widely used benchmark on the topic says relationships are sexless when sex happens less than 10 times per year,’ says Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute.

The problem with this definition is that it typically centres on just one type of sex, when the definition of sex is (or at least, should be) much more expansive than intercourse, says Rachel Wright, LMFT, New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship’

There’s no doubt that penis-in-vagina sex, strap-on sex, and anal sex can be pleasurable. But narrowing in on just these sex acts means that people who are having plenty of satisfying oral sex, hand hanky-panky, toy play, or mutual masturbation technically fall in the ‘sexless’ category, says Wright.

In effort to be both more inclusive and accurate, many sex educators and therapists propose a new, more nuanced understanding of sexless relationships. Chavez, for example, says the term should be reserved for partnerships where the quality, pleasure-rich physical interactions are lacking and (and this is important) this lack is distressing to one or more of the people in the relationship.

Pataky agrees that quantity shouldn’t be the sole determining factor in a sexless relationship diagnosis. ‘If both individuals in the relationship are content with their level of sexual activity—and it’s high-quality when it happens—then, regardless of its infrequency, the term ‘sexless’ might not accurately reflect their situation,’ she says.

What is the difference between a sexless relationship and a dry spell?

>Much like the differences between toe-ma-toe and toe-mah-to, the differences between sexless marriage, a dry spell, and a dead bedroom is a matter of semantics. All four imply the same concern that sexual intimacy is missing in action, says Chavez.

As you might guess, sexless marriage is a term reserved for low-copulatory couples who are wed. Meanwhile, a dry spell generally suggests that a few weeks or months have gone without an ‘adequate’ (as defined by the individual using the term) number of intimate encounters.

Someone in a dry spell, however, might not be going through a year(s)-long drought, says Pataky. ‘Usually, a dry spell is often seen as a natural ebb and flow in a relationship’s sexual dynamics, rather than a prolonged problem,’ she adds. However, Chavez notes that ‘some people feel like dry spell is a more socially acceptable term, so [they] use it over other terms, regardless of how long it has been.’

Finally, ‘dead bedroom’ generally refers to a relationship that isn’t just missing in (penetrative) sex, but also other forms of physical intimacy, too. There’s a queer-centric version of this ‘dead bedroom’ called ‘lesbian bed death,’ which also suggests a lack of action. (Though many want to retire the phrase, since it facilitates that false belief that women and non-men are less sexually-inclined than men, which is false.)

All in all, if someone is using one of these terms, they are most likely trying to express anguish. As such, whether it’s your partner, pal, or patient (heya, therapists!) who is using this language, it’s in your best interest to ask follow-up Q’s that can help you discern the exact issue.

Why are we having no (or less) sex?

To borrow a line from Elizabeth Barrett Brown, let me count the ways. ‘A sudden decrease or drop off in sexual activity can stem from a variety of reasons,’ according to Pataky. The good news is that once the trigger is identified, it can usually be trouble-shot in such a way that sex either returns, or the couple (or triad) realise they are no longer compatible, and can either restructure their relationship or split.

Ahead, 6 common culprits as to why you’re not getting it on anymore.

1. You’re busy bees.

Even a quickie takes some time! So, if you and your boo are currently only getting by with the help of your Google calendar and post-it notes, it makes sense that you’d notice a dip.

‘Having a new baby, one or more partners being in crunch time at work, and navigating a family member’s worsening health are all time-consuming things that can impact how often you have sex,’ says Pataky. Plus, all of these examples are things that take a toll on your emotional and mental bandwidth, as well, which can also throw your sex life a curveball.

If this sounds like you, Pataky says scheduling sex can be an effective strategy to enhance intimacy and connection in relationships, especially in scenarios where the spontaneity of sexual encounters has waned due to life’s demands. ‘Scheduling sex is not just about the act itself; it’s about creating a sacred space for sexual and emotional connection,’ she says.

2. You’re feeling stressed.

When you’re under periods of high stress, your stress hormone (cortisol) levels rise, explains Pataky. Because the entire endocrine system is interconnected, this can cause hormones that impact your interest in sex (such as testosterone and oestrogen) to go haywire, as well.

For some people, high stress can function a bit like an aphrodisiac, causing them to crave sex, and further enjoy the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm, says Pataky. For more people, however, there is no bigger cock or coochie block than stress.

Whether the underlying cause of the stress is financial disarray, your living situation, or work drama, finding ways to navigate it can help. Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, movement, and reduced caffeine intake may all prove useful. Oh, and do your best to stop stressing about how much (or how little) sex you’re currently having! Doing so is only going to exacerbate the so-called issue.

3. Someone is on the asexuality spectrum.

As individuals, our sexuality can evolve and evolve and evolve again. That’s why some people may be interested in less kinky sex in later years than they were in their 20s, while others become interested in dating across the gender spectrum after decades of only dating on one side of it. Well, an individual’s sexuality can also evolve in such a way that they find themselves hanging out on the asexuality spectrum.

Quick refresher: Asexuality is an orientation wherein individuals do not experience regular sexual attraction—if they experience it at all. Much like queer, asexual is considered an umbrella term that houses a range of non-allosexual identity, such as demisexual and graysexual.

‘Identities on the asexuality spectrum are valid sexual orientations, and individuals who identify as asexual may still form meaningful and fulfilling romantic connections,’ says Pataky. Fact is, not all people on the asexuality spectrum are also on the aromantic one. (ICYDK: Aromanticism is an orientation marked by the lack of regular romantic attraction, or interest).

‘Understanding and respecting different sexual orientations is essential for fostering inclusive and supportive romantic relationships,’ she says. So, in instances where an asexual identity underpins a lack of sex, it can be helpful for the non-asexual (also known as allosexual) partner to understand exactly what being asexual means to their partner, she says. (In addition to chatting with your partner directly, consider reading Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and The Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen).

It can also be helpful to understand the asexual partner’s current relationship to sex. Some individuals are sex-repulsed, while others are sex-neutral. Those in the latter camp may elect to have sex with their partner(s) despite not feeling sexual attraction, for a range of reasons such as the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm or the intimacy it allows them to foster with their partners.

To be clear: Happy, healthy relationships between an asexual person and an allosexual one, are possible! As is the case with other relationship dynamics, a combination of self-awareness, clear communication, and empathy are key.

4. One of you has had a medical change.

Chronic pain conditions, physical health issues, unaddressed mental health woes, medication changes or side effects, and hormonal shifts can all lead to a decrease in sexual activity within relationships, according to Pataky.

Indeed, several health conditions such as diabetes, cancer, and heart disease are known to reduce libido. Further, for medically unknown reasons, decreased libido, sexual changes, and erectile dysfunction are common side effects of a wide range of medications—including medications used to treat depression and anxiety, as well as certain forms of birth control.

Pregnancy, postpartum, nursing, perimenopause and menopause, and so on are also often times when an individual might experience a decreased interest in sex as their body goes through a massive, massive change, Pataky says. ‘In particular, the postpartum period is one typically ripe with decreased sex as the pregnant person’s body recovers, and the couple adjusts to the emotional and logistical challenges of being new parents,’ she says. Makes sense!

Whether it’s baby-related or not, if you think there’s an underlying medical or medicinal culprit to your loss of interest in sex, consult a healthcare provider ASAP. You should never (ever!) simply discontinue use of the medicine you think is the culprit. Instead, tell your doc that a dip in sex drive is one of your unwanted symptoms and see if they can prescribe an additional medication to counteract the effects, or another medication altogether.

5. There’s an emotional disconnect.

‘Recognising the complex interplay between emotional well-being and sexual well-being is crucial for trouble-shooting a sexless relationship,’ says Pataky. ‘Emotional connection between partners is fundamental to a fulfilling sex life. So, a lack of or diminished emotional bond can result in decreased sexual desire and activity.’

To be clear: It would be both inaccurate to say that all people who are in sexless relationships are emotionally unfulfilled! However, there is value in analyzing how you and your partner have been spending less quality time together, have been less verbally affirmative about your TLC, have stopped communicating with as much regularity or generosity, or have otherwise stagnated emotionally, according to Pataky. ‘It can give you a good starting point,’ she says.

6. So, so many other reasons.

To put it bluntly, the aforementioned list of reasons why you and your boo have stopped boning are just the tip of the frustrating iceberg.

For folks who are allosexual, sex drive and libido serve as a barometer of the body’s state of overall health and well-being, says Chavez. When anything that impacts overall well-being pops up, a downturn in libido—and as a result a decreased interest in partnered play—can occur. As such, ‘body image issues, sexual boredom, unaddressed relationship conflicts, infidelity on one (or both) sides, job dissatisfaction, trauma, betrayal, and sexual shame can all result in someone no longer wanting to have sex,’ she says.

The best thing an individual can do when their libido lulls is to get curious about it, says Wright. ‘The lull often serves as a check-engine light, telling you that it’s time to take inventory on what’s going on with your body and life more generally.’

So… should I stay in a sexless relationship?

There is no one size fits all answer to this question. Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not you are feeling distressed by the lack of sex, says Chavez.

‘Not having sex with your partner doesn’t necessarily imply that you are dissatisfied or not fulfilling needs in other areas of intimacy,’ she says. Some people are perfectly happy in a sexless relationship! If other facets of the relationship are thriving and you can communicate about your sexual desires and needs, odds are that it is probably a relationship that is worth staying in, she says.

‘Sexlessness is really only a significant concern if one or both partners are experiencing distress, dissatisfaction, or a sense of disconnection due to the lack of sexual intimacy,’ Chavez says. This distress is most common in relationships where the individuals do not feel safe or able to communicate their sexual needs, she says. But it’s a huge problem because it often results in feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and guilt—all of which can have serious side effects on mental well-being.

When considering whether or not to stay in your relationship, Chavez says it’s important to consider:

  • How important physical touch is to you
  • Where intimacy exists in your relationship outside of sex, if anywhere
  • Your current relationship structure and relationship orientation
  • Where you and your partner(s) lie on the asexuality spectrum
  • Whether you and your partner have the ability to communicate
  • Whether or not you have the ability to talk about sex, specifically

What should I do if I’m unhappy in a sexless relationship?

1. First, think about how important sex is to you.

Of course, the suggestions below will give you tips around conversing with your partner(s). But before you do that, take some time to get really honest with yourself about how important sex is to you.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • In my dream world, how often would I be able to have sex?
  • Why do I like having sex with my partner? What does it bring me (or us), exactly?
  • What role can masturbation play in helping me meet my sexual wants?
  • What types of touch and intimacy with others are currently allowed within the current structure of my relationship?
  • Is there a relationship structure change that can be made that will support my happiness?
  • What degree of compromise am I willing to make, as far as my sexual desires are concerned?

Whether you journal your answers in a Moleskine, jot them down in your Notes app, or chew them through with a therapist or friend, Wright urges you to do your best not to judge yourself for the answers that come to mind. We are taught that there is a very narrow range of what desires and frequency of sex are permissible, she says. As such, the many people who fall outside of that range (and desire more or less sex) will have to fight the internalised belief that their desires are capital-w Wrong.

If you notice feelings of shame, humiliation, or discomfort as you chew through these questions, Wright suggests working through these emotions with a sex-positive mental health professional. ‘They’ll be able to remind you that your wants and desires are normal.’

2. Talk to your partner.

Given that there’s really no way to know whether or not you and your partner are on the same page about sexual frequency unless you talk about it, communication is key, says Pataky.

‘When discussing the frequency of sex with your partner, it’s essential to approach the conversation with openness and empathy,’ she says. ‘Begin by creating a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings and desires.’ It’s also best to use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings and avoid placing blame, she says.

Some examples of what you might say:

  • ‘I read an article about sexual frequency in relationships, and it made me realize that we haven’t talked about our sex life or sexual frequency in a bit. Would you be open to reading the article, and then discussing it with me sometime this week? I think it could be a nice way for us to get on the same page.’
  • ‘When you have the energy, I’d really like to make time to share about our sexual needs, desires, and wants. My perception is that I’m much more interested in physical intimacy these days, and I’d love it if you could share some insights with me about if that’s the case, and why. I want to make sure that we’re both getting our needs met and I’m not dropping the ball on some place I’m overlooking.’
  • ‘I’ve observed that we haven’t been as intimate or sexual in the last few months as we were the first few years of our relationship. I’m feeling a little unsure on how to talk about this because I don’t want anyone to feel pressured, but I do miss being physically close with you. Would you be open to brainstorming ways that we can nurture that piece of our relationship?’

Remember: What you say is important—but what your partner says is, too. ‘It’s crucial to listen actively to your partner’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings as well as share your own,’ says Pataky.

3. Prioritise intimacy.

Sure, a sexless relationship can be healthy! But for most allosexual people, it’s not possible to be in a partnership that isn’t intimate.

‘Intimacy is a culture of closeness and connection between two (or more) people that builds over time,’ says psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, PhD. It’s the thing that enables relationships to feel safe, supportive, sacred, and can set the foundation for sexual closeness, she said.

That’s why Pataky says that couples looking to break their sex drought should start by rebuilding intimacy. ‘This can include spending quality time together, engaging in affectionate touch like massage and cuddling, and strengthening your emotional connection through regular dates and shared activities,’ she says.

4. Consider a different relationship structure.

fully on board with—not something someone submits to due to coercion, fear of being left, or emotional distress, says Chavez.

‘Opening the relationship is never a fix for a relationship problem; it is a lifestyle not a band-aid to other unaddressed issues,’ she adds. Still, it may be a sound work-around for some duos—for instance, pairings between someone who is asexual and allosexual. ‘If you think opening your relationship might be for you, you need to commit to open communication and honesty, and should do your research before jumping in.’

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and the Multiamory and Remodeled Love podcasts are all great resources to start your learning.

5. Consult a professional.

If your lack of sexual activity is causing distress or if there are underlying issues that you and your love are struggling to resolve on their own, professional help can be invaluable, says Pataky. ‘A couples therapist or a sex therapist can provide a structured environment to explore these issues, improve specific guidance and strategies for addressing sexual concerns and enhancing the sexual aspect of the relationship,’ she says.

A pro will also be able to remind you that there is no universal ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ amount of sex to have, she says. What’s key is that individuals in the relationships are content, communicating, and consenting to whatever sex-filled, sexless, or sex-occasional dynamic that’s at play.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Can a Sexless Marriage Be a Happy One?

— Experts and couples are challenging the conventional wisdom that sex is essential to relationships.

By Amanda Montei

Will and Rose met online 10 years ago. His screen name was professorparsley, and he looked the part — tall and thin, with glasses, features that Rose found attractive. On their first date, Rose learned that Will was a college student living with his mother, and his handle came from a nickname given to him by a child at an art camp where he worked. They laugh about it now, as they do with most things. Will thought Rose was exciting and direct. He grew up in suburban Ontario, and she was from Southern California, which was like another world to him. Right away, what they loved about each other were their differences.

Rose was drawn to how stable Will seemed — so unlike the other men she had dated, who dreaded commitment. Their relationship survived multiple moves, about a year of long-distance dating and the challenges of finding time to be together while living with parents and roommates. Now, seven years into their marriage, they have their own place: a one-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles, where Rose sees Pilates clients. Will is gone during the day, teaching, and at night they cuddle in bed and watch television. “It’s my favorite part of the day,” Rose says. (Rose and Will are middle names. All subjects asked to be referred to by their first names, middle names or a nickname, out of concerns for their privacy.)

As much as Will grounds her, Rose feels that the familiar calm of their relationship also shuts her down sexually. They go months without sex, but they don’t lack intimacy. They have a policy of never refusing a hug, something they instituted to resolve the minor disagreements that inevitably crop up in any relationship. They have also talked candidly about how, for her, the safe predictability of their marriage — the quality she loves about their lives together — dulls her sex drive. She knows that can be confusing, even frustrating, for Will, but she doesn’t like the idea of forcing herself to have sex. Rose’s mother, now divorced, felt obligated to have sex with Rose’s father once a week. That’s not the kind of relationship Rose wants.

To get into a sexual mood, Rose relies on a set of rituals to help build anticipation — doing her hair and makeup, shaving her legs, having a glass of wine over dinner or, when their schedules allow, going on vacation to break out of their routines. Will doesn’t need to do anything to feel ready for sex, and Rose sees this as another way in which they’re different. Over the years, they have accepted that this is what their sex life looks like, and will look like, if they want to be together, which they do.

During the pandemic, the couple went more than a year without having sex, but they savored their extra time together. Rose used to spend hours driving in traffic to different workout studios, coming home late, not seeing her husband much. Stuck at home, they took walks around their neighborhood. They talked constantly. They started taking online yoga classes together, a hobby that stuck. Will appreciates these smaller opportunities to connect. Rose thinks she’s not the nurturing type, but Will disagrees. “She’s not stingy in spirit or time,” he says.

Sometimes they shower together and hold each other naked, without any expectation of sex. Though Will remains hopeful that these moments will lead to something else, he doesn’t push it.

Cultural attitudes about the role sex plays in a marriage have evolved significantly over time. Where once marital sex was primarily a means for bearing children, in recent decades, the conventional wisdom was that frequent sex was integral to a happy union. During the 1990s, a new wave of sex positivity coincided with the ascendancy of different forms of therapy, including couples counseling. Experts coached couples on how to strengthen their marriages, often relying on the belief that healthy relationships included consistent sex with partners. By the 2010s, appointment sex had become one popular method for maintaining intimacy and, somewhat implicitly, safeguarding against separation.

In more recent years, however, both relationship experts and couples themselves have been gradually dismantling some of these commonly held views, working to destigmatize the unconventional approaches that some take to stay together. Online groups have sprung up for couples who challenge basic assumptions that spouses should share a bedroom or even a home. Sharon Hyman, who runs a Facebook group called Apartners for couples who have chosen to live separately, told me that many of the members in her community find their sex lives improve when they don’t spend every minute together. “My goal is to show that there are healthy options for relationships,” Hyman says. “No one size fits all.”

One effect of the ever-changing sexual climate is that many couples today are simply less willing to tolerate what the psychotherapist Esther Perel calls “boredom” in the bedroom. Perel has made a career of articulating how domestic overexposure saps eroticism, which requires some intrigue, mystery and unfamiliarity. That’s not to suggest that long-term love and desire are impossible, but according to Perel, keeping sexual interest alive requires getting creative. In her podcast, “Where Should We Begin?” Perel helps couples explore and articulate their fantasies, honor each other as individuals and experiment with new approaches to fulfilling their desires together.

For Perel, as for many other relationship experts, that sometimes means re-examining investment in another foundational premise of marriage: monogamy. The advice columnist Dan Savage, too, has argued that monogamy isn’t entirely plausible, or pleasurable, for everyone, and is critical of Americans’ obsession with moralizing infidelity. He encourages married people to be honest with each other about how hard it is to carry the responsibility of fulfilling their partner’s sexual and emotional needs for decades on end.

A photograph of a miniature model of two beds separated by a window.

While some are questioning the standard of monogamous sex in marriage by exploring polyamorous and open relationships, others are pushing back against the pressure to have sex at all. In fact, Americans on the whole are having less sex than they used to — across race, gender, region, educational level and work status. One study found that American adults born in the 1990s are having less sex than older generations; they are in fewer steady partnerships, and those who are partnered are also having less sex. The 2021 General Social Survey found that about 50 percent of all adults polled had sex once a month or less, with half of those people reporting they hadn’t had sex for a year. Researchers have speculated about the reasons for this 30-year sexual low, from isolation caused by technology to cultural conversations about consent.

Many younger women, for instance, shaped in part by the #MeToo movement, are engaging in intentional abstinence. There are trends on TikTok about going “boysober,” a word coined by the comedian Hope Woodard, who says that taking a break from sex can be empowering for women who previously altered their desires to accommodate men. The digital feminist 4B movement, which originated in South Korea but has spread globally through social media, advocates a rejection of childbearing, as well as heterosexual dating, marriage and sex. “Platonic life partners,” meanwhile — friends who commit to owning a home and even raising children together — insist that sex and romance are not necessary to lifelong unions.

The sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski is resistant to the idea that frequent sex should be a chief component of every committed relationship. Nagoski — who has been open about her own hiatus from marital sex — doesn’t endorse obligatory sex, nor does she encourage aiming for any sexual base line in terms of regularity or behavior. Drawing on the work of the Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Nagoski believes that low desire can sometimes be evidence of good judgment. “It’s not dysfunctional not to want sex you don’t like,” Nagoski says.

In her new book, “Come Together,” Nagoski urges couples who want to explore their sexualities and deepen their sexual bond to begin by figuring out what each person wants when they want sex. For many, sex represents freedom from the ordinary, but what it takes to get there will look different for every couple and is likely to change over time. After all, desires don’t always align, or they evolve in unexpected ways.

Michelle and John met in 2005 at a party, and in the early years of their relationship, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Four years ago, however, after experiencing what she calls a “traumatic” childbirth, Michelle began to worry that intercourse would cause her pain.

She and John did not have sex for a year after they became parents. Now they can go months without it. Friends of theirs, too, seem to be experiencing new chapters in their own sex lives and opening up their marriages, which has sparked conversations between Michelle and John about the possibilities for reinvigorating their sex life. But they don’t always agree on what they want, or what they’re comfortable with.

John knows, however, that having sex outside the marriage is a red line for Michelle. She witnessed infidelity tear apart her parents’ relationship. “I think there’s a big fear about ‘I have an urge that may be resolved in a minute or two,’ but the sense of what could be broken is not worth the risk,” John says.

Love, for both, is about much more than fulfilling those momentary desires. After almost two decades together, they consider themselves best friends and “soul mates.” When they first began dating, Michelle was reeling from the loss of her brother, who died in a car accident. She talked with John about the experience on an early date, and they were inseparable after that. John thought she was beautiful and wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. Michelle thought he was a welcome distraction, someone who could lift her out of her grief. They went to concerts. He made her mixtapes. But there were also times when she broke down crying, and he was there for her.

John used to try to comfort Michelle by saying he understood how she felt, but when he lost his own brother in 2012, he realized how wrong he had been. As he mourned, Michelle “just knew what to do in the unspoken moments — whether it was knowing when to give me space, or knowing when I needed a hug, or I just needed her to be next to me,” John says. Today, Michelle remains the “central piece” of his happiness.

Michelle and John share a one-bedroom with their daughter, and while they get some privacy during the day, they’re busy working from home. Now, most days, Michelle masturbates in the morning, while John takes their daughter to preschool. He masturbates at night in the bathroom, while watching porn on his phone. For John, it’s merely a physical release, but for Michelle, pleasuring herself serves a different purpose: She is trying to figure out what makes her feel good. Exploring her changed body alone eliminates the guilt she has when she can’t climax with her husband. She doesn’t want him to think it has anything to do with him. “I want to get there, but it’s not getting there,” she says.

Of the more than 30 married people I interviewed, many, like Michelle, told me that becoming parents irrevocably changed their sex lives. Camille, who lives in California, felt her marriage was the most solid and caring relationship she had ever experienced, but becoming a mother distanced her from her desire. “It feels like something I can’t quite touch, like in another room, or another part of me that I don’t know how to access,” she says.

Other mothers started to see sex as one more chore, another line item on their list of responsibilities. Keti, a mother of a neurodivergent child who craved being held, found that sex with her husband had become “robotic” as she began to see it as “one more demand.” Her husband was doing everything he could to support her, but she felt an obligation to get back to their old sex life, even though she wanted “desperately to go into a forest and just lie down and not hear anyone or anything.”

Lilien, who has two kids, says becoming a mother was a turning point for her. She had to leave her previous career and didn’t know who she was or what she wanted. “My identity was totally eviscerated,” she says. “I was really confused about what my worth was.” Her history of sexual assault also resurfaced in profound ways. She thought she needed to be “permeable” to nurture her children. She didn’t have the capacity to extend that physical openness to her husband. She couldn’t stand soft caresses from him, which felt like the tickling of her child’s hands.

Lilien’s husband, Philip, never pressured her to be intimate, for which she is grateful. “The most important thing for me was to maintain a place where the sex you have is very positive, very consensual, very understood and mutually enjoyed,” he says. Five years later, Philip knows she is still coming to terms with everything motherhood has brought into her life. Recently they started having more sex, about once every other month. Lilien loves her husband’s firm back rubs, which he’s happy to give.

Other couples, much like Rose and Will, confessed to feeling sexually misaligned with their partners as their desires shifted in different directions. Jean, a 38-year-old mother living in Virginia, told me that her husband’s interest in sex has dropped off gradually over the course of their 13-year marriage. She, on the other hand, experienced what she called “a secondary puberty” as her kids grew older and became less dependent on her. She felt “so sexually charged” that she visited her gynecologist to confirm she wasn’t having a hormonal issue. She’s now trying to figure out how to navigate her husband’s low desire. “I feel like I’m living in the upside-down a lot of the time,” she says. “My friends complain about their husbands grabbing their butt while they wash dishes, and I think, Wow, I would love to feel wanted like that.”

Another mother, Emily, says that sex gradually became less important over the course of her 34-year marriage. When her kids were little, intimacy with her husband stalled briefly, but as their children grew older, they had a “revival of a good sex life,” Emily says. Now she is 59 and has had several operations resulting from a battle with cancer, including a hysterectomy and mastectomy. As a result, her desire lessened, and sex began to feel like “vacuuming the house” — something she did to make her husband happy. And he noticed. “If you are used to somebody responding to you in a certain way, you can tell when they are acting,” she says. “I wasn’t the same person.”

One night in bed, about 10 years after she went on a hormone treatment for her cancer that put her into early menopause, they had a frank conversation about their sex life. “We discussed my lack of desire, and he said that if I’m not turned on, then he’s not either,” Emily says. He admitted that his sex drive had dipped, too. So they decided not to force it. She feels there’s some cultural pressure for older people to keep up their sex lives into their 80s. She’s read, with skepticism, articles claiming that maintaining sex later in life is healthy. “Is it?” she said. “I don’t know.”

Emily feels their marriage has progressed naturally: They experienced decades of passion, and while they remain affectionate outside of the bedroom, their relationship now transcends sex in many ways. It’s about the life they’ve built together. “We’ve been in a sexless relationship for years now,” Emily says. “We get along great, but we’re more like best buds than lovers.”

Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most of the couples I spoke with still keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms. John, for instance, hopes he and his wife can work back up to having sex two or three times a week, but admits he has no idea where that figure came from.

Numbers, Nagoski believes, can be a counterproductive metric. It’s impossible to hear such statistics and not judge one’s relationship against them. Numbers also don’t account for whether participants are enjoying the sex they are having. “You’re comparing yourself — you’re judging yourself as OK or inadequate — compared to a whole bunch of people you’re not having sex with, who are not having sex with you,” Nagoski says.

For couples measuring themselves against what Nagoski calls the “fictions” of sex, or for those worried that their relationship is on the line whenever they enter the bedroom or don’t meet some monthly number, there may be too much pressure for sex to be enjoyable. It’s more important that couples establish what kind of sex is worth having.

‘There are people who tell you all the sex they’re having. I feel like it’s a lot more common that a lot of people are not.’

Rose admits to feeling the weight of societal expectations. Recently she decided that since she and Will were rarely having sex, she would have her birth-control implant removed from her arm. During the procedure, the nurse intimated there was something wrong with Rose’s marriage. Rose felt shamed and angry. The idea that she should be living in a constant state of arousal with her husband after a decade together is, to her, ridiculous, but also part of a facade she thinks many married couples maintain.

“There are people who tell you all the sex they’re having,” she says. “I feel like it’s a lot more common that a lot of people are not.” With the help of her therapist, Rose is exploring whether her A.D.H.D. may play a role in her need to seek new stimuli — not because she sees it as a problem but because she is interested in understanding her desire more fully. “Apparently the partner fatigue I experience is not so uncommon because our ‘special’ brains are always seeking out what’s new,” she says.

Will sometimes turns to Buddhist writings on restraint to explore his sexuality. He jokes there may be some confirmation bias at work, but he thinks his wife’s self-awareness — and her unwillingness to force herself into sex that she doesn’t want to have — has matured him. For Will, intimacy is less about completion and more about connection. “I’ve learned, even just about the act of sex itself, the ending is not always the best part,” Will says. “There’s pleasure throughout the spectrum.”

In March, for Rose’s 40th birthday, they took a trip to Hawaii. She switched off her phone for hours as they sprawled out by the ocean. Will remembers turning toward his wife and staring at her, watching her relaxing, her body loose. In that moment, he wasn’t thinking about sex or how beautiful Rose looked under the sun. He was thinking about how similar they actually are. More than anything, they want to enjoy themselves in their own way, to savor the small moments when they can let the rest of the world fade away.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What is a queer platonic partner?

— Not all long-term relationships require sex or romantic love.

Queer platonic partnerships provide space for all kinds of love and emotions just as a romantic relationship would.

By Beth Ashley

Modern relationships continually evolve. Many of us are shaping our relationships in non-traditional ways, moulding them to suit our personal preferences, desires, goals and situations rather than adapting ourselves to traditional relationship styles. For some people, this looks like polyamory or open relationships. For others, it might look like a queer platonic relationship (QPR), also known as a queer platonic partnership (QPP).

We spoke to two sex and relationships experts to understand what queer platonic partnerships are, what they involve, who typically enters this type of relationship, and the pros and cons.

What is a queer platonic partner?

Sex educator Erica Smith says a queer platonic partner is someone that you have a close intimate relationship with, and choose to do things together that are typically done by romantic partners: sharing a home, sharing responsibilities, considering each other to be family, maybe even raising children together. But the relationships are not romantic, and sometimes not sexual either.

“Often, people who consider themselves asexual or aromantic are in queer platonic relationships,” Smith says. Though, other queer people may decide to enter these types of partnerships too.

What are the benefits to having a queer platonic partner?

For many people, being part of a queer platonic relationship involves companionship, family, support, love, and “someone to share all the big life things including expenses with,” according to Smith.

Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and co-founder of sexual wellness brand Bloomi, adds that as society is evolving and starting to recognise and value different relationships, people are realising that there aren’t one-size-fits-all connections and are open to new experiences. Queer platonic partnerships provide space for all kinds of love and emotions just as a romantic relationship would. Sometimes that kind of love even serves them better, as there is less pressure.

Smith also notes that affordability might affect someone’s decision to enter a relationship like this. “So many people can’t afford rent or a mortgage these days, but being in partnership with someone makes things like housing more accessible. Some queer platonic partners may even choose to marry for the legal and financial benefits. In the U.S., this includes health insurance,” she explains.

Alvarez Story notes that the current cost of living crises in the UK, U.S., and Europe will contribute to this even more so. “The increasing cost of living and a need for the everyday benefits of a life partnership and community, such as co-parenting and financial sharing, might lead people to a queer platonic relationship.” This is especially true if someone finds themselves needing two incomes in a household to fulfill their life but are uninterested in pursuing sex or romance, such as asexual or aromantic people.

“After the COVID period, we have all gotten reminded of just how important socialising and having a reliable person nearby is, as well,” she adds. 

Why are more people entering queer platonic relationships?

It’s hard to track exactly how many people are in queer platonic relationships, and it should probably stay that way (do we really need that much surveillance in our intimate relationships?) but it seems like they’re on the increase.

A quick scroll through your For You page on TikTok reveals a number of sweet stories of friends marrying without romantic love or sexual attraction in order to buy a house and raise children together, and we also see examples on our screens. Many look to Hannah and Elijah in HBO’s Girls as the purest example of an attempted queer platonic relationship, as the two LGBTQ+ characters agree to raise Hannah’s child together in the home they already cohabit, and frequently sleep in the same bed and cuddle, as romantic partners would, for comfort. Some even look to Marlin and Dory from Pixar’s Finding Nemo, who many suggest are queer-coded in their platonic cohabiting and raising of Nemo.

Smith says that more people, especially young people, are increasingly defining partnership for themselves outside the small boxes that have been presented to them. This is why you may have seen more queer platonic partnerships popping up lately on your Instagram feed, or portrayed in the media. 

After all, why do we elevate romantic relationships above all other relationship structures? We know there have been societal and governmental incentives to be in monogamous marriage for centuries — but it’s 2024, and the way we look at partnership is finally shifting.

“Queer platonic partners challenge conventional ideas of what partnership is, and I think this is so appealing,” Smith says.

Are QPRs just for people who can’t find ‘real’ love?

There may be an assumption that those who have queer platonic relationships do so because they can’t find a “real” relationship, but this isn’t always the case. Some people have actively chosen to be part of a queer platonic relationship when traditional partners or relationships were available to them.

But Alvarez Story says this is very much a misconception. “Often those who identify as asexual or aromantic may be interested in engaging in queer platonic relationships. But, sometimes, people simply like the person and want to explore a deeper friendship that’s different from any other relationships they had in the past,” she says.

Queer platonic relationships don’t have specific rules and partners involved and those participating get to decide on how they want to engage and what type of commitment they are willing to have, so they’re a great fit for anyone who feels constrained by a more traditional relationship style. For a lot of people, shacking up with a friend is the definition of freedom.

Really, the choice to pursue friendship that looks a lot like a cohabiting relationship over “the real thing” shouldn’t come as a surprise. Internet discourse (and probably most real-life conversations too) has been rife with a shared disappointment with modern dating lately.  2021 research from Hinge shows 61 percent of the app’s UK users feel overwhelmed and fatigued when it comes to dating. Scroll through the “dating” search on X to see how visceral this exhaustion is. “Dating is actually a sick and twisted game,” writes one user. “This dating era is horrible,” writes another.

With so many of us feeling this tired, unhappy, and even depressed about dating, is it any wonder why some of us would rather commit to a life with a friend we love, trust, and feel confident we won’t tire of?

For some people, a queer platonic relationship doesn’t rule out sex or romantic love anyway. Some people in these set-ups will continue to date or have sex casually outside of the partnership, much like any open relationship.

The only reason anyone looks down on this type of relationship, according to Smith, is because society has elevated romantic partnerships as the most important kind of relationship there is, and “that kind of thinking runs deep!”

Are there any cons involved with a queer platonic relationship?

Smith notes that queer platonic relationships aren’t really legally recognized unless you have chosen to get married just as two people who are in love might, so this is something to keep in mind before pursuing a queer platonic relationship.

Additionally, Alvarez Story warns that sometimes queer platonic relationships can result in one-sided romantic feelings. “It might be that one partner develops deeper romantic aspirations or sexual desire towards their partner and this isn’t mutual. There can be jealousy and sadness if one partner engages in some type of relationship on the side.”

She adds that, in these cases, a partner might be bothered by other relationships (no matter whether there are any deeper romantic and/or sexual aspirations involved) in the way that there’s less time one can dedicate to their queer platonic partner.

For this reason, it’s important to make sure the two of you are 100 percent on the same page when entering a partnership of this nature, and that you stay open, communicative and honest in case feelings develop or change.

Just like any other relationship, a queer platonic partnership doesn’t have to be the be-all-or-end-all. As long as everyone involved is open and on the same page, you can try this type of partnership to see if it’s right for you and your pal. You might find it’s everything you ever dreamed of, or you might find yourself re-downloading the apps, or a bit of both.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Woman in an Open Marriage With a Gay Man

— New York Magazine’s “Sex Diaries” series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. The column, which began in 2007, is the basis of a new docuseries on HBO.

As told to

This week, a landscape architect goes on a few questionable dates and wonders how to zhuzh up her sex life: 45, married, New York.

DAY ONE

6:20 a.m. Our daughter wanders into our room for morning cuddles. My husband, Howie, snuggles with her for a little while. I get up and put coffee on.

7:15 a.m. Our son is now awake. We all have breakfast — cereal and waffles. I pack the kids’ backpacks and Howie takes them to elementary school.

9:30 a.m. Finally, I have a moment to myself and check my phone. Howie and I are in an open marriage. We don’t have a sexual relationship — he mostly sleeps with gay men, and I’m bisexual. We met at a gay bar about eight years ago and became the best of friends. We got pregnant via IVF and then decided to get married and co-parent together because we love each other and wanted to be a family unit. We just outsource our sex lives!

Anyway, Thea, a woman I met on Hinge, has texted about a drink tomorrow night. I have to check my schedule with Howie, so I don’t write back.

2 p.m. I jump in my car and head to the Hamptons for a meeting with a new client. I’m a landscape architect and do projects in the Hamptons and upstate New York, so I’m on the road a lot. On the way, I listen to music — a hip-hop playlist Howie made for me.

6 p.m. The meeting went well. I think they’re going to hire me. I start the drive back to the city.

9 p.m. By the time I get home, the entire house is asleep, including Howie, so I get on the couch and do some flirting on the apps. I confirm a drink with Thea for tomorrow and tell a guy named Paulo that I’d be down for a coffee the next day.

9:30 p.m. It occurs to me that I haven’t had really great sex with anyone in months. My last hookup was with a woman visiting for a week from London. We got drunk on spicy margaritas and went crazy on each other at her hotel room. I need something like that soon and hope Thea or Paulo are good options.

DAY TWO

8 a.m. Get the kids ready for school by myself. Howie had an early meeting. He’s a lawyer. Since we’re in our mid-40s, he’s finally in a position of power and has slightly better hours, but he works for a pretty conservative firm so he’s tight-lipped about our lifestyle.

1 p.m. Drafting a proposal for the Hamptons client. I finally hit “send” and then go to the gym.

3 p.m. From the treadmill, I suggest a few date spots to Thea. She’s younger and is “an artist,” though it’s unclear from her dating profile what that means. I hope she’s not a total hipster or party girl.

6 p.m. Kiss the kids goodnight. Tell Howie to wish me luck and leave the apartment. It’s kind of like we’re roommates — when he knows I’m going on a date, he’s excited for me. There’s no weirdness unless one of us leaves the other with a ton of parenting or chores.

7 p.m. At some bar in Bushwick to meet Thea. I get a drink and check my emails.

7:15 p.m. Thea walks in. She’s adorable. Big smile, beautiful skin, long hair. I’m so glad she’s not a gritty hipster. I’m just not attracted to dirty hair and nose piercings. But she is very young, in her late 20s, which surprises me. I have no idea how I missed that on her dating profile. I kind of feel like her mother.

9 p.m. So far, it’s a good date. I’m attracted to her. We’ve had two drinks each, and we decide to move next door and get some food.

9:30 p.m. We’re eating some overpriced artisanal pizza. When we’re finished, I pay, and we decide to call our Ubers home. We start making out while we wait. It’s wonderful. She’s tender and affectionate. I’m into it, but I decide we can hang out another time and see where things go. Not tonight, I’m getting tired.

10:15 p.m. Crawl into bed. I tell Howie I had fun but I wasn’t super into her. She was a little boring if I’m being honest.

DAY THREE

6 a.m. Daughter is up. I’m hungover. Since Howie did the heavy lifting last night, I handle the morning routine.

8:30 a.m. Drop off the kids. Stop at a café for my second coffee of the morning.

12:30 p.m. I’m visiting a client in Cobble Hill. She’s not happy with a job I did for her last summer, so I’m dreading it.

1:30 p.m. Leave the meeting in a bad mood. Still have a hangover. Sometimes I wonder if this lifestyle is sustainable for Howie and me. He barely goes out anymore because he says he’s content with our home life and has plenty of porn to jerk off to. We’re older now, and I wonder if I’m ready to slow down my sex life too. It feels like I’m at a crossroads.

4 p.m. A long afternoon of invoicing and paperwork.

6 p.m. Head to a drinks event with a hotel brand that always hires me for big jobs. I’m really not looking forward to it, but I can’t blow it off.

7 p.m. On the subway there, Paulo texts about hanging out tonight. I tell him now’s not a good time but maybe at the end of the week. I also see a text from Thea, but I ignore it.

9 p.m. Showed face and schmoozed the hotel people. Now I’m on the train home.

10:30 p.m. I take out my vibrator while pretending to take a shower. Sitting on the bathroom floor, I press it against my underwear, close my eyes, and try to imagine fucking Thea. My mind switches channels and instead, I’m on my stomach, getting railed by an unknown man with a huge cock while I go down on some woman. I come in about 60 seconds. Then I take a shower for real.

DAY FOUR

6 a.m. Up with the kids since Howie handled bedtime.

10:30 a.m. At a client’s house, working. All of my clients are wealthy, but this one is spectacularly wealthy and spectacularly rude. But she pays very well and on time, so I don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me. She truly is a bitch, though.

4:30 p.m. I pick up the kids from their after-school programs and we head home. Howie is going to a work party tonight, so I want to get everyone fed before he takes off.

5 p.m. Start making chicken tortilla soup. I love cooking. I always have a glass of wine while I cook. In these moments, I’m 100 percent satisfied with my life and don’t need anything more.

6 p.m. Everyone eats, then the kids and I send Howie off. He looks so handsome. I feel bad for him at these work parties. He says it’s no big deal hiding his identity, but I wish he’d be more open about his true self. But it’s his business, not mine.

9 p.m. I’m on the couch texting Paulo. He obviously wants to sext. He literally said, “What are you wearing?” So corny.

I write back, “Describe your cock for me?” He asks if I want a picture. I do. He sends one and it’s big, veiny, and kind of scary — but also beautiful in a way. I wonder if it’s his real dick.

He asks if I want to FaceTime. I say no, then put the phone down and watch TV. Howie could be home at any moment, and I don’t want him walking in on me fingering myself to a stranger on the phone. It would just be too embarrassing.

DAY FIVE

7:30 a.m. Howie did the morning shift. Yay. I head to a meeting with my accountant.

Noon: Lunch with my sister, who lives near the accountant. She knows about my lifestyle and doesn’t judge. She’s in a sexless, dull marriage and says she often feels stuck in “Blahsville.” I wish she could just open things up like us, but she says she’s not interested in sex so an open marriage doesn’t appeal to her. That may be true, but it makes me wonder how her husband is getting off. I bet he cheats on her, but I’d never say that out loud.

3 p.m. Paulo wants to meet up. I did like the size and strength of his cock. From our chats, he seems potentially gross, but I’m intrigued. I suggest tomorrow night.

7 p.m. We have family dinner at a restaurant. It’s very fun. My kids are so precious. Howie and I are pretty open with them about our unconventional marriage. I mean, we tell them what their brains can handle, things like “There are lots of different ways to be married. We do it our way, and it’s the best way for us!” I’ll explain the details when they’re older, but I’m not worried about it.

DAY SIX

6 a.m. It’s the weekend! Which means we still wake up at the crack of dawn …

Noon: A morning of soccer and karate classes.

3 p.m. Our kids watch a movie while Howie and I decide what to do tonight. We always get a sitter on Saturdays. Howie plans to meet up with his best friend, who is gay and married and about to have his first child. I tell Howie I might have a drink with Paulo, who has a huge cock and might be a bit sketchy. We both laugh. Howie makes me laugh like no one else can.

7:30 p.m. Paulo picked a cool bar in Tribeca. I walk in a bit late and he’s there. He looks nothing like his dating-app photos. He’s much shorter, fatter, and scuzzier in real life. It’s like night and day. I feel very annoyed by this. Like, come on, dude, do better.

8:30 p.m. He wants to go fuck right away. He suggests the bathroom of the bar and then a hotel room where he’s apparently “a VIP.” Ick! He’s neither charming nor seductive, so after one drink, I hop on a Citi Bike and ride all the way home. I block him the minute I dock the bike.

9 p.m. Sent the sitter home early and took a shower. Had to wash off the ick.

DAY SEVEN

6:30 a.m. Drinking my first cup of coffee. I’m feeling a little blah. I can’t seem to meet someone sexy and cool in real life, my husband is gay, and I’m getting older. Ugh, whatever, just the morning blues, I guess.

12:30 p.m. Take the kids to a birthday party. The mom hosting it is newly divorced and beautiful. She has a masculine edge, and I’m very attracted to her but I never know how to hit on other moms. It’s tricky since it’s in my kids’ orbit.

1 p.m. The birthday mom says something like “Remember when Sundays were all about binge-watching TV and having sex all day?” We both laugh and get pulled away by our kids, but I consider this an interesting sign …

3 p.m. Before I leave the party, she gives me her cell. I feel a vibe but not sure what to make of it. Murky territory.

8:30 p.m. After saying goodnight to the kids, I text the birthday mom to thank her for the party. She writes back, “We should get a drink sometime.” I make myself wait 20 minutes before writing back: “I’d love that.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Queerplatonic Relationships Are Like Supercharged Friendships That Aren’t Necessarily Romantic

By Ashley Broadwater

There are all kinds of relationships a person can have: friendly, romantic, professional, familial, etc. But sometimes, two or more “types” of relationships blend. For example, have you ever felt super close to someone to a degree that seems stronger than friendship but not quite romantic? If so, you may have experienced a queerplatonic relationship.

“The term ‘queerplatonic’ was conceived in aromantic and asexual communities to describe ‘alterous’ relationships—or emotional connections that aren’t sexual, romantic, or strictly platonic,” says mental health counselor Laura Harris, LCMHC. “Over time, the term has evolved to include how relationships could transition.” And, that evolution extends to relationships outside the LGBTQ+ community.

“The term ‘queerplatonic’ was conceived in aromantic and asexual communities to describe emotional connections that aren’t sexual, romantic, or strictly platonic.” —mental health counselor Laura Harris, LCMHC.

With an ebb and flow that doesn’t require a “define the relationship” conversation, queerplatonic dynamics are largely characterized by a fluidity and flexibility. “Usually, societal norms dictate lines separating friendship and romance, but in queerplatonic relationships, there are no lines, and they are more flexible in nature,” Lee Phillips, EdD, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist who works with LGBTQIA+ clients. “Queerplatonic relationships cultivate mutual deep intimacy and trust between partners with a level of emotional closeness and loyalty found in a romantic relationship.”

And queerplatonic relationships may be growing in popularity, as well. According to OkCupid data, the word “queerplatonic” saw a 50 percent spike in appearances on people’s dating profiles in April 2022 compared to April 2021, says Michael Kaye, head of global communications with the company.

As for why this might be and how such relationships tend to form, Dr. Phillips suggests it has to do with people growing increasingly close with one another but not necessarily feeling a romantic or sexual pull. This, perhaps, could be a side effect of our networks becoming tighter-knit amid pandemic socializing conditions, which have challenged fringe friendships and casual dating, and given more attention to our primary relationships.

In practice, queerplatonic relationships may look like people planning out their lives together, designating one another as emergency contacts, and traveling together, for just a few examples. According to Harris, a queerplatonic relationship could also mean cohabitation, physical intimacy (without the assumption of sex), sharing finances, and coparenting. So, basically like a best friend with benefits, assuming the benefits in question aren’t sexual in nature.

That said, queerplatonic relationships can turn romantic for some people. Such simply isn’t a given or even necessarily a likely scenario (especially if you’re already in a committed romantic partnership with another person). Rather, the closeness of queerplatonic relationships tends to focus on other forms of intimacy beyond that of romantic or physical elements. The people involved “may enjoy the friendship and emotional intimacy so much more than taking it further into something more romantic or sexual,” Dr. Phillips says. And if you are in a committed romantic partnership but also have a queerplatonic relationship with someone else, remember that communication is the of the game. There is no right or wrong so long as all parties involved are comfortable and feel safe.

Ultimately, the people involved in the relationship are the ones deciphering what is and isn’t included in their specific partnership—and there are no hard-and-fast guidelines by which to abide with this framework. “The individuals engaged in that relationship intentionally define rules in what their commitment entails, rather than automatic subscription to societal norms, such as sexual intercourse or romantic obligations,” Harris says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

6 Basic Types Of Romantic Relationships

& How To Define Yours

By Kelly Gonsalves

People use the word “relationship” so much these days that it’s often assumed to have one universal definition. In reality, though, the word encompasses such a massive variety of kinds of human connections, both romantic and nonromantic, and it’s likely that no two people share the exact same understanding of what defines a relationship. So, here’s a cheat sheet of the basics.

A relationship is any kind of association or connection between people, whether intimate, platonic, positive, or negative. Typically when people talk about “being in a relationship,” the term is referencing a specific type of romantic relationship involving both emotional and physical intimacy, some level of ongoing commitment, and monogamy (i.e., romantic and sexual exclusivity, wherein members don’t have this type of relationship with anyone else). That said, romantic relationships can take many different forms, from marriage to casual dating to ethical nonmonogamy.

There are four basic types of relationships: family relationships, friendships, acquaintanceships, and romantic relationships. Other more nuanced types of relationships might include work relationships, teacher/student relationships, and community or group relationships. Some of these types of relationships can overlap and coincide with one another—for example, two people can be both work colleagues and close friends. There are also many variations within each category, such as codependent friendships, sexless marriages, or toxic family members.

Basic types of relationships:

  • Familial relationships, aka family members or relatives
  • Friendships
  • Acquaintances
  • Sexual relationships
  • Work or professional relationships
  • Teacher/student relationships
  • Community or group relationships
  • Place-based relationships, such as neighbors, roommates, and landlord/tenant relationships
  • Enemies or rivals
  • Relationship to self

Types of romantic relationships.

There are many different relationship labels people use to define their relationship to themselves and to others, but below are a few of the main basic types of romantic relationships:

1. Dating

Dating is the process of intentionally spending time with someone to get to know them better, have fun together, and enjoy being romantic. Dating can sometimes be about seeing if there’s potential for a more long-term relationship, or it can just be about having fun without expectations for the future, which is sometimes called casual dating.

Not everyone agrees on what level of commitment is implied when two people say they’re “dating.” Some people only use the term when there’s already a defined, committed relationship in place, whereas others use the term to mean they’re simply exploring to see if there’s relationship potential.

2. Committed relationship

In the context of couples, the phrase “in a relationship” usually means being in a committed, long-term romantic relationship. A committed relationship is one where two or more people agree to continue being in a relationship for the foreseeable future. There’s an understanding that the two will continue to spend time together, work on growing their relationship with each other, and continue nurturing their connection. People in committed relationships may choose to use identifiers like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner to signify their relationship to others.

In traditional monogamous relationships, being in a relationship also means that a couple will be romantically and sexually exclusive—that is, they won’t have any other romantic or sexual partners other than each other. In nonmonogamous relationships, exclusivity isn’t required.

Marriage is one form of committed relationship wherein a couple publicly vows to stay together and forms a legally binding union.

3. Casual relationship

A casual relationship is a relationship where two or more people may be dating, regularly spending time together, and engaging in romantic or sexual activities—but without any expectations for the relationship to last into the future. These types of relationships are usually more situational and short-term, and they may or may not be exclusive.

People in casual relationships usually do like each other and are attracted to each other, though there may not be an intense emotional connection or desire to deepen the connection. Whereas people in committed relationships may see each other as life partners, people in casual relationships may not be as integrated into each other’s lives. They typically won’t use terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner.

4. Casual sex

A casual sex relationship is one where two or more people spend time together primarily to have sex with each other. They might see each other regularly for sex, or they may have sex once and never see each other again. They may like each other and enjoy each other’s company, but they’re not interested in a romantic relationship with each other. Usually, there’s no emotional connection, or the connection is distinctly platonic or friendly, as in a “friends with benefits” situation.

5. Situationship

A situationship is a romantic relationship that hasn’t been explicitly defined, usually by omission. The relationship may have many of the same qualities as a committed relationship, a casual relationship, or dating, but the people involved have simply not put labels on it—usually intentionally, whether that’s to avoid making things too complicated, because they’re still figuring out what they want from each other, or because they’re too afraid to bring up the “DTR talk” (aka a conversation defining the relationship).

Generally speaking, situationships usually have more emotional involvement than a friends-with-benefits scenario but not the explicit romantic feelings and commitment of a committed relationship.

While relationships without labels work great for some people, situationships can often happen because the two people aren’t on the same page about what they want or because there’s an assumption that the relationship will be short-term enough for it not to matter.

6. Ethical nonmonogamy

Ethical nonmonogamy is a broad umbrella term for any relationship where people can have multiple romantic and sexual partners at the same time. It includes polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, and many other types of relationships between more than two people. Ethically nonmonogamous relationships can be casual, committed, open, exclusive, dating-only, sex-only, or some combination of these categories, and people in these relationships may or may not use terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner to describe each other.

The 7 types of relationships, according to psychology.

One framework for romantic relationships in psychology, known as Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, identifies three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion refers to feelings of excitement and attraction, intimacy refers to feelings of closeness and connection, and commitment refers to the ongoing decision to stay in and nurture the relationship. Depending on which of these three elements are present, a couple can find themselves in one of seven different types of relationships:

  1. Infatuation: passion only
  2. Friendship: intimacy only
  3. Empty love: commitment only
  4. Romantic love: passion + intimacy
  5. Fatuous love: passion + commitment
  6. Companionate love: intimacy + commitment
  7. Consummate love: passion + intimacy + commitment

Developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg, Ph.D., and fellow researchers throughout the 1980s and ’90s, this relationship framework has been validated by research across 25 different countries.

How to define a relationship.

When it comes to dating, romantic relationships, and sex, it’s important for partners to be transparent about what type of relationship they want and to make sure they’re on the same page.

Here are a few questions to ask each other to define the relationship:

  • What do you want from this relationship? Something casual and in-the-moment? Something more future-oriented? Not sure yet and just want to explore for now?
  • Are you looking for a long-term relationship? If so, do you see potential here?
  • Are you seeing other people?
  • Are there romantic feelings here? Are we interested in exploring those feelings, or do we want to keep things more casual?
  • How often do we want to talk and see each other?

While these questions can feel intimidating or too serious, choosing to avoid these questions means you’re just choosing to make assumptions rather than hearing the truth.

“People form commitments [and] expectations even without labels,” sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, once told mbg. “Not talking about the terms of your relationship does not mean you don’t have one.”

And remember: Defining the relationship does not necessarily mean you need to enter into a serious or committed relationship. Defining the relationship is simply about clarity.

“Some people may choose not to label their relationship because they’re afraid of being tied down too quickly or in a place where they feel trapped,” relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C, once told mbg. “However, one should understand that you maintain full autonomy of yourself in every relationship you’re in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you need, what you want, and what you don’t want. So if you feel you’re at a place where you cannot (or don’t want) to date one person exclusively, that should be communicated to your partner so that [they] can make a decision about whether that works for them.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

From Best Friends to Platonic Spouses

Some people are taking their friendships to the next level by saying “I do” to marriages without sex.

By Danielle Braff

First came blood brothers, best friends who would solidify their bond by cutting themselves and swapping a bit of blood. Then came the tiny house besties, friends moving into adjoining tiny homes. (“Bestie Row” in Texas, for example.)

Today some people are taking their friendships a giant step further: They are platonically marrying each other, vowing to never leave each other’s side for better or for worse.

On Nov. 14, 2020 at Greenwood Hall in East Islip, N.Y., Jay Guercio and Krystle Purificato donned wedding gowns, walked down the aisle, exchanged rings and shared their first and only kiss. Ms. Purificato is in the process of changing her last name to Guercio.

“I want her to continue to be my best friend and my life partner,” said Ms. Guercio, a 23-year-old student studying professional communications at Farmingdale State College.

The besties, both queer and open to dating anyone but each other, met in 2011, and decided to get married in September. They sleep in the same bed but their relationship remains platonic.

Ms. Guercio and Ms. Purificato wanted to get married because they wanted to be legally and socially recognized as a family.

Sign Up for Love Letter: Your weekly dose of real stories that examine the highs, lows and woes of relationships. This newsletter will include the best of Modern Love, weddings and love in the news.

“We wanted the world to know we are each other’s go-to person in the world, and to be able to handle legal matters with the other appropriately,” Ms. Guercio said. “We are a couple, a unit and partners for life.”

Ms. Guercio said their marriage is stable, it’s long-lasting and it has no conditions.

There are no statistics about the number of platonic, best-friend marriages, and many people who are in them aren’t open about their situation. But chat boards on Reddit and within smaller asexual and aromantic communities have popped up recently, suggesting this could be a larger portion of the marriage population than numbers portray. (Asexual is defined as having no sexual feelings or desires; aromantic means having no desire for a romantic relationship. Hetero-monogamous is a sexual relationship between a man and a woman.)

“It should be acknowledged that we’ve really normalized heterosexual monogamous romantic relationships to the point of stigmatizing other kinds of relationships,” said Nick Bognar, a marriage and family therapist in Pasadena, Calif. “All of this is to say, I think this probably happens a lot, but people don’t talk about it much because their relationships are invalidated by others when they’re seen as not being part of the norm.”

Historically, marriage was an economic proposition, but it has shifted over time to a choice representing an all-consuming relationship, said Indigo Stray Conger, a sex and relationship therapist in Denver. Under this framework, couples expect each other to fulfill all their needs: social, psychological and economic.

“Platonic marriages raise an interesting question related to what elements are most important in a marriage, and what needs partners theoretically must meet for marriages to be successful,” said Jess Carbino, a relationship expert who lives in Los Angeles and is a former sociologist for the dating apps Tinder and Bumble.

Kim Reiter, 40, never considered marrying a best friend, though she considers herself to be nonbinary, aromantic and bisexual. Ms. Reiter, who lives in Dortmund, Germany, and is unemployed, tried OkCupid in 2013 and found her husband, who is aromantic and asexual.

They quickly became platonic best friends and married in 2018.

“Our daily life is that of best friends: We talk and laugh a lot, watch movies, but there is almost no physical element in it,” Ms. Reiter said. “Sometimes we hug or give massages to each other, and every night we have our good-night kiss, but we have separate bedrooms. We are the most important people in each other’s lives.”

Kema Barton and Dene Brown, of Columbus, Ohio, are both pansexual and have a similar platonic marriage. (Pansexual is defined as sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction toward people regardless of their sex or gender identity.) They have been best friends for seven years, and each has two children from previous relationships. In October 2020, just before Ms. Brown had her second child, the friends decided to get married and make all their life decisions together.

They decided to make it official because they wanted to build a family together, to raise their children together and to make all their major choices as a unit.

They’re in the process of buying a house and getting a joint bank account. Their children consider each other brother and sister, and they call each woman Mom.

“We’re committed to investing in one another so we can both be successful, and ultimately, we love each other so much,” said Ms. Brown, 30, a disabled Navy veteran. “In every way that you’d look at a husband or a marriage in terms of interpersonal connections and intimacy, it’s there.”

Ms. Brown and Ms. Barton have never been intimate with each other, and they both have given each other the freedom to date outside their marriage.

Kimberly Perlin, a psychotherapist in Towson, Md., said that couples in this type of arrangement often find compatibility and understand each other well, while also agreeing to the guidelines without being blinded by romantic feeling. Many of these relationships, she said, begin because the couple wants their family life separate from their romantic lives, as they don’t find their romantic lives to be stable.

Others may be disenchanted with love, and feel that longstanding friendships with a history of resolving conflict may feel like a safer bet.

“If both partners have clear understandings of what is expected, flexibility and communication skills to address conflicts that come up, do not wish to marry a romantic partner and are fine with going against the norms, then who are any of us to say it won’t work?” Ms. Perlin said.

Platonic marriages have been prevalent since marriage became an institution, while marrying for love is more of an oddity in human history, Ms. Conger said.

In the United States, where marriage is incentivized with tax breaks and other couple privileges, getting married to someone with whom you are not romantically attached affords multiple benefits, she said. “A platonic marriage is more than a passing year with a roommate who has different ideas about kitchen cleanliness,” Ms. Conger said. “A platonic marriage is a deep bond and lifelong commitment to a nesting partner you build a shared life with.”

Jullep Teah, 24, a call center representative in San Antonio, Texas, said she feels this way about her future wife, Ashley Roberts, 25, a direct support professional for the state of Texas. Ms. Teah, who is demisexual, plans to marry Ms. Roberts, who has been her best friend since the sixth grade. (Demisexual is defined as only being sexually attracted to someone with whom you have an emotional bond.) They already make all their financial decisions together. They have moved across the country twice together and are currently buying a home together. They share two dogs, and they’re not sure if they want children, but they may adopt in the future.

Ms. Teah said she has social anxiety, which makes it difficult for her to know anyone intimately — and she isn’t interested in romantic relationships. She said there’s more to marriage beyond sex and romance. Her emotional needs are fulfilled and she can’t imagine life without Ms. Roberts by her side.

“Meeting people is hard, getting a bond and romantic feelings is hard, and more and more young people are starting to realize that there are other benefits to marriage other than romantic love: I mean, isn’t the point to marry your best friend?” Ms. Teah said. “So why can’t it be your literal best friend?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!