Category: LIFESTYLE / RELATIONSHIP

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How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding The Science Of Attraction

— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.

By BetterHelp Editorial Team

The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.

The Science Of Attraction: The Basics

To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.

Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.

The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.

Specific Factors Involved In Attraction

Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.

The Role Of Immediate First Impressions

We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.

In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.

Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.

The Role Of Eye Contact

While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.

In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.

The Role Of Scents

There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.

Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.

Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.

For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.

>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.

Attraction And Fertility

From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.

Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.

If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:

  • Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine. 
  • Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception. 
  • Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.

Getting Support For Your Romantic Life

If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.

If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.

Takeaway

Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.

Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?

Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.

What causes strong physical attraction?

Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.

Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?

Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:

  • Using open body language
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Seeking physical touch
  • Smiling
  • Asking you about yourself
  • Looking for ways to spend more time with you

That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.

How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?

Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:

  • Jitters or restlessness
  • Blushing
  • Sweating
  • A rise in body temperature
  • Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat

If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.

What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?

When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.

These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.

Why do we fall in love scientifically?

A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.

It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.

Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Secrets of Sex Over 40

— 8 Questions Answered

New AARP survey reveals how often older adults have sex, and lots more

By Robin L. Flanigan

Most older adults believe sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship, and more than half say their sex lives are as satisfying – or even better—than a decade ago.

In a new AARP Research survey released Sept. 29, people over 40 got frank about what goes on in their lives – or doesn’t – when it comes to intimacy and sex.
The survey “Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond” polled 2,500 people 40 and older about how perceptions, behaviors, attitudes and preferences about sexual experiences have changed over time. Three-quarters of survey respondents were over 50.

Among the findings:

  • 72 percent of men and 63 percent of women have a current regular sexual partner.
  • Less than half of those surveyed —46 percent—said they were satisfied with their current sex life.
  • Four out of 5 people said their relationships were physically pleasurable and emotionally satisfying.
  • Having sex with a stranger is the most common sexual fantasy for both men and women.

The report also found that over the past 20 years, the frequency of sex in this age group declined, but other types of sexual activity – like masturbation and oral sex – increased.

“Sex doesn’t get any less important as we age,” says Patty David, AARP vice president of consumer insights. “It continues to be a vital part of a good relationship, which shows that intimacy and physical connection are important to all ages.”

1. How often do people in middle age and older have sex?

Older adults still have plenty of sex. Thirty percent told AARP researchers that they have sex weekly, 27 percent said monthly or less, and 40 percent reported having no sex in the last six months. One in 6 adults over 70 reported having sex weekly.
When it comes to oral sex, the frequency is a bit less: 18 percent said they have oral sex weekly, 25 percent said monthly, and 54 percent said none in the past six months.

But not everyone thinks they’re having enough sex: 46 percent said they were having the right amount, and 45 percent said they weren’t having enough. Men were more likely than women to say they’re not having enough sex, and women were more likely to say they were having just the right amount.

Certified sex therapist and psychologist Stephanie Buehler says there are lots of ways to be sexual as an older adult and recommends people expand ideas about what it means to show affection in the bedroom.

“It’s about acceptance and adaptation,” says Buehler, author of Enliven Your Sex Life! “Stop worrying about what you can no longer do and explore to find out how you can still experience sexual pleasure at any age.”

2. Do men and women differ in their levels of sexual desire?

Overall, 55 percent of those surveyed said they considered their sexual desire about average, 15 percent said higher than average and 29 percent said lower than average.

But men were more likely than women to rate their level of sexual desire as higher than average. Women were more likely to rate their level of sexual desire as lower than average.

3. How frequently do older adults masturbate?

The survey found that 55 percent of people reported pleasuring themselves in the past six months. Among those who did masturbate, 61 percent did so within the past week. About one in 4 pleasure themselves weekly, but that number decreases as age rises: Only 11 percent of people age 70 and older reported masturbating in the previous week, compared with 40 percent of those ages 40-49.

“Masturbation is natural and shouldn’t produce feelings of guilt or embarrassment,” says Buehler, adding that it also can be helpful if your partner doesn’t want as much sexual activity as you do.

One in 3 people reported using a vibrator for personal enjoyment, though women were more likely to say they were using one compared with men, at 42 percent versus 18 percent. People who identified as nonheterosexual were also more likely to report using a vibrator for self-stimulation (66 percent compared with 28 percent of those identifying as heterosexual).

4. How common is infidelity after midlife?

Fourteen percent of people reported being unfaithful, according to the survey. Seventeen percent of men said they’d had a sexual relationship with someone other than their partner, compared with 11 percent of women.

The reasons? For both men and women, the novelty of sex with someone other than their partner was tops. Men were more likely than women to say they were interested in sexual activities that their partner wasn’t interested in. For women, the answers trended toward feeling unappreciated by their partner and having a higher sex drive than their partner.

A quarter of those surveyed also reported reasons for sex with someone besides their primary partners as consensual monogamy or polyamory.

While many respondents reported that infidelity or suspected infidelity had a negative impact on their relationships, few people chose to end them because of it – only 4 percent did.

After an affair, most relationships are strained but survive, Buehler says.

“Repairing takes a lot of difficult conversations,” Buehler says, “as the person who had the affair spends time reflecting and the hurt partner takes time to understand the reasoning and heal.”

5. Is erectile dysfunction increasing?

The number of men who say they have difficulty with sexual function is growing. Just 4 in 10 men said they are always able to get and keep an erection for intercourse, down from half of men in 2009, according to AARP researchers.

In fact, 28 percent of those men surveyed said they’ve been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction or impotence, up from 23 percent in 2009 and 17 percent in 2004. But many men are looking for help: 6 out of 10 men who said they had general sexual functioning problems reported that they sought treatment.

Only 12 percent of women reported problems related to sexual functioning and more than half of those said they didn’t seek treatment because they didn’t feel comfortable discussing the issue.

Health concerns, like diabetes, stress and high blood pressure can impact sexual functioning: 79 percent of those surveyed said they’d been diagnosed with a medical condition.

6. Do older adults typically have a regular sex partner?

The AARP survey found that two-thirds of people reported they had a regular sex partner. Younger respondents had the highest likelihood of reporting a regular sex partner, but even over age 70, a little more than half of people said they had someone they regularly engaged in sexual activity with.

7. Are sexual fantasies among older adults common?

The answer is a resounding yes: 83 percent of those surveyed said they had sexual thoughts, fantasies or erotic dreams.

While having sex with a stranger was the most common fantasy for both genders, men’s fantasies included having sex with more than one person at a time, while women were more likely to say that they fantasized about having sex with someone of the same sex or having sex in different locations.

But people are keeping their fantasies to themselves: Roughly two-thirds said they hadn’t discussed them with others.

8. What are the best ways to keep romance alive?

The pandemic has had an impact on how people view their relationships. The survey found that 41 percent of older adults want an increased connection with their significant other, and 70 percent said they believe quality time and strong connections are more important now than before COVID-19.

However, the survey found that 31 percent of those divorced or never married are apt to say, “Romance? What’s that?”

Here’s how couples say they are keeping the romance going, according to the survey:

  • 63 percent make a point of saying ‘I love you”
  • 57 percent celebrate special days like birthdays and anniversaries
  • 35 percent take a vacation or romantic trip annually
  • 32 percent set aside time to enjoy each other’s company
  • 30 percent buy each other gifts or flower

David, of AARP, notes that in many cases the impact of COVID-19 has been to highlight the importance of relationships with friends, family, spouses or romantic partners. “It has made our connections even stronger,” she said. “Couple this with the importance of spending time with each other to keep the romance in the relationship and you have a powerful recipe for contentment and happiness.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why the Holidays Are a True Test of Your Relationship

— Making it through the festive month of December is harder than it seems.

Seasonal pressures can have big impacts on newer relationships.

By Gina Cherelus

Philip von Hahn, a 30-year-old tech investor on the Upper East Side, attended a holiday party on Sunday night to take his mind off the recent dissolution of his three-year relationship.

“We’ve been weighing it for the past few months,” Mr. von Hahn said of the decision to end things. The holidays, however, added a sense of urgency, as he and his ex-girlfriend weren’t able to agree on who would visit whose family for Christmas, or if they even wanted to spend this time of year with each other again.

Although fall and winter have affectionately become known as “cuffing season” in recent years — a period where couples stay indoors, cuffed together throughout the cold months — they can also be a fraught time that puts pressures on newer relationships.

A small infraction like not buying a thoughtful Christmas gift or being reluctant to visit your partner’s family for the holidays can be the excuse a hesitant partner was looking for to call it quits. Ghosting feels like an easy option when people can use their travel plans as an excuse to be absent, and time apart can make staying connected difficult, especially if a relationship is already on shaky ground.

Mr. von Hahn said that he and his ex-girlfriend both decided to break up after realizing the relationship wasn’t progressing to the next step (“Like, get married”). He said he felt good about the decision, despite still needing time to adjust, and was crashing with a friend in Brooklyn after moving out of the apartment they shared.

For Christmas, he planned to return home to Toronto to spend time with his family “and convalesce.” He was looking forward to having a busy holiday schedule to keep him occupied.

The end of the year is also often a time of reflection and a yearning for a “new year, new me” that can be at times one-sided.

Beth Booker, a 33-year-old public relations specialist in Naples, Fla., had met her ex-boyfriend in September on Bumble and hard launched as a couple in November. He broke up with her this past weekend.

“It really sucks when you finally decide to take that leap and you feel safe enough to do it, and they can’t catch you,” she said in a phone interview on Monday.

He returned home to Pennsylvania around late fall, and, after agreeing to try to make a long-distance relationship work, he had a change of heart during a conversation about their plans for the new year.

Despite films on the Hallmark and Lifetime channels that would like to convince people that the holidays are the most romantic time of the year, they can feel especially lonely if you’re single.

Tejah Larkin, 31, describes this time of year as the moment many couples choose to make things official, so holiday parties and ugly Christmas sweater gatherings can feel harder for people like her who are still casually dating.

“During this time, the events are not really gauged for the singles, because most people probably have been dating since the summer and now they’re trying to lock it down,” said Ms. Larkin, who lives in East Orange, N.J. “Most people are inside with their significant others.”

Ms. Larkin is currently seeing a man with whom she grew up after reconnecting in late October. It’s in the honeymoon phase, she said, and they are focused on building atop their old friendship and seeing where things go. He plans to return home to Georgia for Christmas and New Year’s Eve. She hopes they will stay in contact during that time.

“This will be the first time either of us have been not in the same area communicating, so hopefully we keep the same consistent communication,” Ms. Larkin said. “It’ll be a real test.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Talk To Your Doctor About Your Sexuality

By Jennifer Betts

You’ve probably planned on coming out about your sexuality to essential family members like your mom and dad. But have you ever thought about the importance of coming out to your doctor?

An open and honest relationship with your doctor is essential to getting care. This is especially true since there are specific needs that you might have as part of the LGBTQ+ community. As health family medicine physician Rita Lahlou, MD, MPH, told UNC Health Talk, “It’s important for people who identify with historically marginalized communities to find a primary care provider who will be supporting, affirming and understanding of them.”

With that said, the thought of a discussion about your health can be downright nerve-wracking. Whether you’re seeing a new doctor or talking with the doctor you’ve been seeing for years, here are a few tips and strategies to ensure that all your healthcare needs are met for your sexual health.

Set the tone about discussing your sexuality

Man talking with doctor

A person’s sex life and sexual preferences come into play when it comes to their overall care. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 1.2 million people in the U.S. are diagnosed with HIV, 63% of whom are gay or bisexual men. Additionally, young LGBTQ+ individuals are more likely to contemplate or attempt suicide due to how they are treated, per The Trevor Project.

And it’s not an area that many general practitioners might feel comfortable asking about. Research published in Sexual Medicine examined healthcare specialists’ avoidance of sex and sexuality. It stated that many specialists think that asking their patients about their sex life and sexuality could cause embarrassment, so it’s not something that might come up. However, creating the appropriate framework of trust and empathy between your doctor and you can make this discussion easier. Bringing the topic to the table first lets your provider know it’s not a taboo area to talk about.

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org

Look for an LGBTQ-friendly provider

Stethoscope with a rainbow background

Since your sexuality is a crucial area of your life and who you are, having a physician or specialist who understands how to support the LGBTQ+ community can make talking about your sexuality easier. Look for a provider with an LGBTQ+ designation. According to Henry Ford, doctors with this designation complete additional clinical training for patients within this community, making them more likely to be knowledgeable in documenting sexual orientation and understanding the specific needs.

Finding an LGBTQ+-friendly provider might take some looking around. Paula Neira, Program Director of LGBTQ+ Equity and Education, told Johns Hopkins Medicine that there are databases by groups such as GLMA: Health Professionals Advancing LGBTQ Equality, but they aren’t exactly comprehensive. Thus, setting an appointment with a healthcare provider might require asking about their experience caring for LGBTQ+ patients. You can also ask others in the community to find a doctor they trust or have had a positive experience with.

Neira adds that not being open and honest with your provider could lead to missed screens, like those for cancer, especially for transgender individuals. Johns Hopkins Medicine also pointed out that seven out of ten LGBTQ+ members have received negative care, and connecting with a healthcare specialist competent in this field can alleviate that.

Bring your partner to the appointment

A couple with a baby on computer

It’s easier to talk about your sexuality when you have a loving person supporting you. Consider bringing your partner with you to discuss this with your provider. Not only can they hold your hand, but they might also be able to help you make sure you have all your bases covered.

Bringing your partner with you and introducing them to your doctor can quickly clarify your sexuality and cue your healthcare provider that it’s okay to broach the subject of your sexual orientation. According to family medicine physician Beth Careyva, MD, “By providing this information, we can make sure to offer preventative care screenings, as well as provide counseling on sexual health, lifestyle changes, and same-sex family planning” (via Lehigh Valley Health Network).

The Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion notes that having a support person during the visits can help ensure you keep track of your specialist’s advice and ask questions when something isn’t clearly explained.

Use techniques to calm nervousness

Woman focusing on breathing

The Center for American Progress points out that discrimination in the healthcare setting for the LGBTQ+ community leads to delays and access to needed medical care. It can affect not only patients, but their parents as well. This is especially true for those trying to find care for their transgender children. Thus, it’s not surprising that this topic might be uncomfortable for some to discuss with their doctor, leading to nervousness.

Fortunately, there are several techniques to calm the nerves before talking to your doctor about your sexuality. One of the best calming methods is focusing on breathing (via NHS). Get yourself in a comfortable position and let your breath flow. Focus on nothing but the movement of your chest and the refreshing air coming into your lungs for a steady five-count. Keep repeating until the doctor comes in so that you can talk to them with a clear, relaxed mind.

The Baton Rouge Clinic AMC states that it can be helpful to close your eyes and count to ten as you wait for your healthcare provider to enter the room. You can also try counting to 20 backward. Other calming techniques include chewing gum, smelling lavender, and listening to calming music. Once the doctor comes in, you can bring up your sexuality as part of your casual health conversation.

Be straightforward and honest

Woman talking to smiling doctor

It may be hard to be bold, but when it comes to your health, it’s not a time to be shy. Bring your sexuality to the table immediately. For example, introduce yourself to a new doctor with your name, preferred pronouns, and sexuality. Being matter-of-fact with your healthcare professional establishes honesty. With a current specialist, bring it up by saying, “I have a personal question…” states the National Institute on Aging.

Johns Hopkins Medicine also notes that you should set an agenda when talking to your doctor. It doesn’t have to be a long, intricate list, but outlining your sexuality and issues you would like to talk about will ensure that all your needs are met. According to Megan Moran-Sands, DO, a Geisinger pediatrician, “Your doctor and any healthcare professional you interact with will keep your information private.” Knowing this can help you not to feel so apprehensive.

And remember, your doctor wants honesty. Debra Roter, Dr.P.H., a professor at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, noted, “It’s important to share things about your lifestyle, social obligations and relationships at home and at work. Sometimes patients are fearful that the doctor isn’t interested or that it isn’t relevant.” But having this information gives them a better understanding of your overall health.

Use questions as your guide

Patient asking doctor questions

If you’ve had a bad experience with a different healthcare provider regarding the topic of sexuality, you might be even more apprehensive about talking about it openly. In that case, using questions as your guide might be better. Giving your current provider hints about what you need to discuss allows them to bring the subject up and save you embarrassment.

For example, you might start off your conversation with your provider by discussing their knowledge of LGBTQ+ patients. During your initial interview with a new doctor, you might ask about their patient experience with sexuality and LGBTQ+ patients. Ask about their experience with transgender issues. LCMC Health states that it sets a tone with your provider, allowing them to draw the conversation toward your sexuality in a respectful manner. As the National Institute on Aging notes, asking questions is key to building open communication with your doctor to better understand medical issues, tests, and medications that can affect your sexual life.

Don’t put off talking about your sexuality

Couple talking with a doctor

The World Health Organization says that your sexual health is essential not just to your personal well-being, but also to that of your loved ones. Don’t overlook being committed to your sexual health with your doctor, since it can influence screenings, family counseling, testing, and more.

Understanding your sexual health also plays a vital role in sexually transmitted disease prevention, practicing safer sex, and your body image, states Healthline. In addition, it’s a key area of mental and emotional health, particularly for members of the LGBTQ+ community who experience “discrimination or cultural homophobia.” Per data presented by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, sexual minorities such as the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to have substance misuse and mental health issues.

As Dr. Megan Moran-Sands notes (via Geisinger), “It’s beneficial to share your sexual orientation with your doctor so you can get the most personalized care. You can be more open about your life and your choices, and you and your doctor can work together to create a plan for staying healthy.” Don’t wait to talk to your doctor about sexual health. Bring it to the discussion immediately to set the bar for all future appointments.

If you or anyone you know needs help with addiction issues, help is available. Visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website or contact SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

Tips for making the talk about sexuality easier

Person in waiting room

Sexuality and sexual health should not be taboo topics, and are nothing to feel ashamed about. Remember that no matter what, your doctor is there to help. To make things a bit easier during your appointment, Willis-Knighton Health System suggests writing down the items you want to discuss on a phone or piece of paper to avoid forgetting what you want to say in case you suddenly feel uneasy.

Since talking about sexual health can be difficult face-to-face, you might also want to take advantage of telehealth consultations to discuss these issues. It might be easier for you to talk about sexual orientation, sexual problems, and gender in the comfort of your own home. Your provider can ask questions to get the necessary tests or medications (via the International Society for Sexual Medicine). Telehealth might also be the best way to connect with a doctor that is LGBTQ+-friendly.

Lastly, it helps to give your doctor a heads-up. For example, you can tell your healthcare provider during your initial appointment that you would like to speak to them about sexuality. You can also let them know that you’re nervous. This way, they can have questions ready to help you overcome your negative feelings.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The surprising reason why mammals engage in same-sex mating

— A new paper suggests same-sex activity may help mammals’ social relationships

A study published in the journal Nature Communications on Tuesday adds to the growing body of knowledge about animal sexuality.

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Same-sex sexual activity pervades the animal kingdom — it’s been observed in at least 1,500 animal species, from crickets to seagulls to penguins — but it’s still not well understood.

A new paper suggests one explanation: Same-sex sexual activity may help mammals establish and maintain social relationships and even mitigate conflict.

The study, published in the journal Nature Communications on Tuesday, adds to the growing body of knowledge about animal sexuality.

Scientists had long viewed same-sex sexual activity as an evolutionary paradox: It costs animals precious time they could be spending seeking out sexual partners of the opposite sex, with which they could reproduce.

Some have explained same-sex sexual behavior as non-adaptive — meaning it doesn’t help an organism survive, but it doesn’t harm reproductive success either. Others see it as a continuation of our simplest ancestors’ indiscriminate sexual activity, part of the norm, rather than an anomaly.

The new study, conducted by researchers at the Spanish National Research Council and the University of Granada, suggests this behavior has evolved multiple times in mammals and may not be related to those ancient non-discriminate mating behaviors. On the contrary, their analysis found an association between same-sex sexual behavior in mammals and getting along.

Sex as conflict resolution

The researchers did not study animals in the wild. Instead, José María Gómez, a professor of ecology at the University of Granada, and his colleagues compiled a database of existing information on same-sex sexual behavior, and reconstructed species trees to investigate whether there were any links between same-sex sexual behavior in mammals and social behavior.

They found same-sex sexual behavior seems to occur more often in social animals, like primates, which need to form communities to survive and reproduce. That behavior could have evolved to facilitate social cohesion and diminish intrasexual aggression and conflict, the researchers argue.

“Rather than a maladaptive or aberrant behavior, same-sex sexual behavior in nonhuman mammals is a convergent adaptation facilitating the maintenance of social relationships,” Gómez told The Washington Post in an email.

The study’s findings echo what others have found in their research.

“In socially tense situations, sexual behavior between same-sex partners seems to function to mitigate that tension,” said Christine Webb, a primatologist at Harvard University who did not participate in the study.

She said Gómez’s research helps to widen the scope of what it means for a behavior to be “adaptive.” “This general question of evolutionary function — that behavior must aid in survival and reproduction — what this paper is arguing is that reaffirming social bonds, resolving conflicts, managing social tensions, to the extent that same-sex sexual behavior preserves those functions — it’s also adaptive.”

Researchers found same-sex sexual behavior seems to occur more often in social animals, like primates, which need to form communities in order to survive and reproduce.

Webb said if you think about the many reasons humans might have sex — it makes sense that animals would use sex in many ways, too.

“We know that humans have a huge variety of reasons for having sex, only one of which is procreation,” said Eliot Schrefer, author of the book “Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality.” “So of course animals are reaping the benefits that humans do from it.”

He cites male garter snakes using pheromones to attract other males when it’s cold, causing other males in the area to come form a “mating ball” — which can help them all survive through the night.

Sex and dinner

Sex can also provide animals with a way of easing conflict, or can act as foreplay for sharing food, said Christine Wilkinson, a conservation scientist based at the University of California at Berkeley and the California Academy of Sciences who was not involved in the paper.

“You have African lion males that travel together and help each other to survive,” she said. “They’re also mounting each other and sort of bonding in more physical ways because they need each other.”

Jon Richardson, a behavioral ecologist and evolutionary biologist at the University of Minnesota, researches same-sex sexual behavior in insects. He said that often we’re looking for a one-size-fits-all explanation for this behavior in nature. In his research on crickets, he’s found that they have a fairly broad filter for engaging in mating behavior.

“They don’t care too much whether it’s male or female or if it’s the right developmental stage or not. If it looks kind of like a cricket, if it moves like a cricket, you might as well try singing towards it to see what happens,” Richardson said.

>He also cautions against extrapolating too much about humans from this research on animals. The fact that this new paper is about mammals may mean it can tell us something about our evolution, but same-sex sexual behavior in animals isn’t the same as human homosexuality — for the most part animals don’t seem to exhibit a permanent same-sex preference but more of a sexual flexibility.

Still, it might be inevitable that people will make those connections, said Schrefer, and that isn’t always a bad thing.

“Every time one of these articles comes out, a bunch of people don’t feel unnatural anymore,” he said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex For The Sake Of It Is A GOOD Thing

— The truth about ‘maintenance sex’.

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We’ve all been there. You look at the calendar, do a quick calculation and realise shit, has it already been a week (or two) since you’ve had sex? No it can’t be…

You start to feel the pressure to have sex. Isn’t it bad if you go “too long” without getting busy? Surely, it’s better to just knock one out before the weeks turn into months and then my marriage implodes? I think that’s what someone said I should do on TikTok?

You check the clock and think, I’ve got 10 minutes…But then you wonder, as you side-eye your partner, am I only having sex with them because I think I’m supposed to or because I actually WANT to have sex now? Does it even really matter?

So here’s the thing. It does matter.

Maybe not in the short-term but definitely in the long-term. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with maintenance sex or having sex with a long-term partner just for the sake of knocking one out, not because you actually desire it.

Professionals will disagree on this. Some will say you should only ever have sex when you’re in the mood and not just do it because you feel some type of pressure.

The problem with that outlook is that a lot of women who are disconnected from their sexuality are never in the mood. And the amount of perceived work it takes for them to get into the mood isn’t viewed as worth the potential benefits their current sexual relationship is offering them. So in those instances, sex would almost never occur, which is incredibly problematic for most long-term romantic relationships.

The other school of thought here, where I find myself, is based on the view that sex isn’t always going to be spontaneous or passionate or result in toe-curling orgasms.

That doesn’t make the “less exciting sex” any less valid. Sometimes, sex is just a time when two people’s bodies come together because they need to feel connection. And sometimes, the only way to accomplish this is through maintenance sex.

The fun thing about maintenance sex encounters is that they hold the possibility of being passionate, pleasure-filled sessions. You just never know what can happen when you give yourself permission to engage sexually with your partner. But you don’t know until you actually are willing to put yourself in those sexual situations.

This is why I believe maintenance sex is an acceptable short-term solution.

Now, if you’re only ever having maintenance sex, then a larger discussion needs to take place. Because if sex is an important part of the relationship for at least one of the partners, then there needs to be an examination of why it’s not a priority to both or why there’s a disconnect between saying it’s a priority but not actually making the time for it.

Of course, you will go through seasons where sex drops on the list of important things to do. But unless both parties agree that sex isn’t that important (which is absolutely fine, despite what society may tell us), then a conversation (or several) need to take place. I cannot emphasise that enough. Relationships breakdown when expectations go unmet.

If one (or both) partners really does not enjoy sex or the kind of sex they are having in that relationship, then it’s critical to discuss that as early on as possible. Because when we ignore it and pray that those feelings go away, we are deceiving ourselves and planting the seeds for resentment to grow. No one wants to have sex with someone who is only doing it every time because they feel like they have to. Going through the motions every time actually makes your relationship worse by eroding trust and connection.

I want you to know that sex is one of the most powerful acts a person can engage in. It can be more than just a way to achieve gratification. And when we only do it to check the box, we miss out on the opportunity to heal, transform, love, and transcend. Can maintenance sex serve a purpose? Of course, but I believe it should be the exception and not the gold standard for sexual intimacy in a long-term romantic relationship.

You deserve more than just maintenance sex. And if you’re in a relationship where that’s the rut you’re in, then I encourage you to have a conversation by sharing WHY you want to have more meaningful, more connected sexual intimacy with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex Work and the Herky-Jerk of Supply and Demand

By Dr Dick

Providers and consumers are two sides of the same coin; the operative word being coin. Few things are more troublesome to the social hierarchy than the notion of sex for money. And yet, as the saying goes, there’d be no supply if there weren’t a demand.

Ordering Out, Ordering In

I travel a lot for work and often get really lonely on long trips. I don’t go to bars, because I don’t drink. The idea of looking for sex in a bathhouse or sex club puts me off. Lately I’ve been thinking I should just hire an escort, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. It must be a pretty common phenomenon though, because I see tons of ads for escorts online in every city I go to. Any suggestions on how I might proceed?
— Gabe

I presume you’ve ordered out for food while traveling for business, right? Finding a satisfying “order-out” sexual adventure is not all that different. In the case of an escort, the commodities are charming company, erotic massage, and possibly a little sex, instead of potstickers, mu shu pork and Kung Pao Chicken. Now if someone would devise a marketing plan to combine the two—erotic massage and mu-shu pork? We’d all die from an overabundance of bliss!Not all order-out is created equal. Just as there is bad food, there are also unsavory escorts. Do your homework. You already know there are scads of escort or rent-a-boy sites on the net. There are also plenty of review sites, where customers of the provider leave their comments regarding levels of satisfaction and the like. Most escorts, particularly the really good ones, immediately call your attention to the reviews they’ve received. It’s like having the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval stamped on your ass.

Supply and Demand

Start by interviewing a few working boys. This can initially be done via email. Ask for further information about services and rates. Many escorts have photos of themselves available to send to prospective clients, so you might respectfully request those. If at all possible, include a photo of yourself—or at the very least, an accurate description.

When communicating with a service provider, never suggest that you are offering money for sex; in most jurisdictions, that’s against the law. While most clients hope to get a little sex in the encounter, the money exchanged is not for the sex. It is for the provider’s time and expertise. This may sound like splitting hairs, but if sex happens it is by mutual agreement by consenting adults during the time you’ve arranged to be together.

Finding the right escort for you is your task. Know what you want and know how to ask for it. Don’t waste your time or that of the provider by beating around the bush. If you are new at this, say so. The rent-a-boy, if he’s any good at all, will be familiar with this territory and help you though the initial conversation. There are different levels of pros out there; each will have his own fee structure for services provided. If you’re looking for something kinky, be ready to pay more. Never bargain with the provider. If he’s out of your price range, move along. Or come right out with it and say, “Listen, I have X amount of money to spend. Are you available?” This gives the provider the option to see you at the discounted rate. You’d be a fool not to insist on safe sex, but there’s a shitload of fools out there.

When arranging an outcall to your hotel, there may be an additional surcharge for traveling cost. This should be agreed upon before the deal is struck.

Not all prostitutes are prostitutes because they want to be. But most guys turn pro because they’re good at what they do. And most enjoy the accompanying lifestyle. The truly successful provider will have a string of regulars, men they have a somewhat more intimate connection with. Kinda like finding a great Chinese restaurant and becoming a regular there. The proprietor might just offer you something not on the menu as a way of acknowledging your preferred customer status. Get it?

Some johns use the service of an agency, which can be a reliable way to go at first. However, I believe the hard-working independent entrepreneur is often one’s best bet.

You’ll also find among the independents a unique phenomenon—Gay for Pay. These are ostensibly “straight” (and I use that word in quotes with great intent) guys who will have gay sex with gay men for money. In the old days, we used to refer to them as trade. And like we in the business say, “today’s trade is tomorrow’s competition.”

Remember, a wise and informed consumer is happy and satisfied consumer.

I’m just out of college and have a ton of bills and no real job prospects at the moment. A friend suggested I do some escorting to make ends meet. Guys tell me that I’m hot and I like sex, but I don’t know if I could pull it off. Suggestions?
— Kevin

Being hot and liking sex are great assets if you decide to turn pro, but you’ll need a whole lot more than that. Being a sex worker is not like having sex for love, or even recreational sex. You will be exchanging sex for money, and that makes it a business proposition. You’d be wise to approach this with as much forethought as you would any other profession. It is, after all, the world’s oldest.

You’ll need the physical fortitude to be sexual with a wide range of people; some who may not be attractive to you. And when there’s an exchange of money, the john becomes your customer. And all pro sex is client-directed; it’s not about you, even when it looks like it’s all about you.

You’ll also need the emotional distance and psychological resilience to cope with the intimacy issues this line of work creates. This is precisely the point where most fledgling sex workers flounder. They either give too much, or not enough. Some actually resent their clients for sustaining them. Go figure! A lack of clarity on this issue will cause troubling boundary issues for both you and your john.

A cheap street hustler turning tricks to support a drug habit and an expensive rent-boy who is attending the rich and famous face many of the same pitfalls. A lot of sex workers are self-destructive, or have huge unresolved sex issues that they are trying to compensate for by making people pay them for what they usually give away.

If you still think this is a line of work for you, know that your mind and body are your greatest business assets. Take care of them. Keep them clean, fit and toned. Hygiene, both physical and mental, is a must. Improve your mind. Make yourself interesting. Stay abreast on current affairs. Develop other skills like massage and bodywork. Self-awareness, not the narcissistic type, and safe-sex practices are your front line defense against STIs.

Stay clean and sober while on the job. More sex workers get busted for drugs than hustling. Know how to handle a drugged-out client. You’ll probably see a lot of those. Know that they can take forever to get off, and can sometimes be paranoid and dangerous.

Be fiscally responsibility. Plan for the lean times…and there will always lean times. You’ll probably be a hot property at first; it’s the new meat phenomenon. Don’t let this go to your head. There will be cuter, younger, hotter competition getting off the bus tomorrow. Try to cultivate a number of regular clients. Have a thought to how and where you will market yourself. And I encourage you not to do this full-time. If you find it difficult to pay the rent, you’ll be tempted to do more and more risky things just to make ends meet.

Sex work is often more about being psychologically present than a sexual performance. Your clients will often be more lonely and isolated then they are horny. Always treat them with respect.

You should have at least one trusted friend who knows your whereabouts at all times, or who has access to your appointment book. Never make a date with anyone who won’t share his/her phone number with you. And always make a call back before you head out. Keep an appointment book, in code if you must.

Have a travel bag prepared with all the basics you will need: condoms, lube, massage oils, handy-wipes, an extra shirt, toys, mace (or other protective equipment). Have that bag ready to pick up and leave if there’s trouble.

Finally, I suggest that you connect with other sex workers in your area. There is strength in numbers. Other rent-boys will provide you with essential information about troublesome clients and help you get the lay of the land, so to speak.

Good Luck!

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1 in 3 Men Open to Having More Than One Partner. Women, Not So Much

By Dennis Thompson

  • Men are more open to having more people in their committed relationship than women, a new study has found
  • One-third of men in the United Kingdom are open to the idea of having more than one wife or longterm girlfriend
  • However, only 11% of women would want someone else in their relationship

Being in a marriage or long-term relationship typically includes promises of monogamy, but new research shows a surprising number of folks, mostly men, are open to the idea of having another person in the mix.

Fully one-third of men in the United Kingdom are open to the idea of having more than one wife or long-term girlfriend, while only 11% of women would want someone else in their relationship, results show.

Those trends hold when considering both types of polygamy, researchers said.

Those are polygyny, a man marrying more than one woman, or polyandry, where a woman marries more than one man, researchers found.

About 9% of men said they would share their partner, versus 5% of women interested in such a relationship, according to the report in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

“This study shows that a sizable minority of people are open to such relationships, even in the U.K, where such marriages are prohibited,” said lead researcher Andrew Thomas, a senior lecturer in psychology at Swansea University in Wales.

“Interestingly, many more men are open to the idea than women — though there is still interest on both sides,” Thomas added.

For this study, researchers asked 393 heterosexual men and women in the U.K. how they felt about a committed partnership in which they shared their other half with someone else.

“Comparing polygyny and polyandry directly, men were three-and-a-half times more likely to say ‘yes’ to the former than the latter, while women were twice as likely to say ‘yes’ to having more than one partner, compared to the idea of sharing their partner with someone else,”

Thomas and his colleagues noted that some cultures around the world in both the past and present have practiced polygamy and polyandry.

For example, some societies in Africa and the Middle East have long-standing traditions of polygyny, while some communities in Tibet and Nepal practice polyandry, the researchers said.

“Committed non-monogamy has received a lot of attention recently,” Thomas noted in a university news release. “It’s a hot trend with more and more couples talking about opening up their relationships to include other people. However, these types of relationship are far from new.”

“While most seek monogamous relationships, a small proportion of humans have engaged in multi-partner relationships throughout human history, especially polygynous marriage where one husband is shared by several co-wives,” Thomas added.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Study on evolution of same-sex animal behaviors underscores stigmas in research

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  • A new study tracing the evolution of same-sex sexual behavior in mammals, using phylogenetic analyses, suggests these behaviors may have evolved in part to strengthen social bonding and relationships.
  • Same-sex sexual behavior was observed in 261 species, which constitutes 4% of all mammal species; the research adds to a growing list of some 1,500 animal species in which same-sex sexual behavior is documented.
  • Interest in this research is expanding after a long history of stigma within the field that led some earlier scientists to withhold evidence of same-sex sexual behavior among animals; at the time, such behavior was considered an error in the research findings — or “perverted.”
  • Researchers also note that stigmas have long prevented scientists from investigating same-sex sexual behaviors in animals or receiving funding to carry out such studies.

The study of animals has always been a point of curiosity for many scientists across disciplines and has contributed to our understanding of the world. While many scientists in evolutionary biology have questioned different animal behaviors, same-sex sexual behavior in animals is a topic that is seeing increasing interest. This growing field of research has amassed a list of 1,500 animal species exhibiting same-sex sexual behavior.

Now, a recent study published in the journal Nature Communications has traced the evolution of same-sex sexual behavior in all mammals, using phylogenetic analysis, a method that traces evolutionary relationships among biological entities. Such behavior, which is common in mammals, may have evolved in part “to establish, maintain and strengthen social relationships that may increase bonds and alliance between members of the same group,” the authors write.

“Our study has tested for the first time two adaptive hypotheses on the origin and maintenance of same-sex sexual behavior using a large group of animals, the class Mammalia,” says José Maria Gómez, an evolutionary biologist at the Experimental Station of Arid Zones in Almería, Spain, and an author of the study. “In this sense, our study provides strong evidence that this sexual behavior is functional and plays an important role, at least in this group of animals.”

In their study, Gómez says the scientists conclude that social behavior that helped maintain positive social relationships and mitigate intrasexual aggression were two factors shaping the evolution of these behaviors. The former factor did so for both males and females and the latter factor only for such behavior expressed by males, they found.

Same-sex sexual behavior, which includes courtship, mounting, genital contact, copulation and pair bonding, was observed in 261 species, which constitutes 4% of all mammal species. Their study also indicates that same-sex sexual behavior is not randomly distributed across the mammalian phylogeny but tends to be frequent in some clades and rare in others and has been observed in males and females both in captivity and in wild conditions.

Male lions in a zoo in Melbourne, Australia.
Male lions in a zoo in Melbourne, Australia. Same-sex sexual behavior, which is common in mammals, may have evolved in part “to establish, maintain and strengthen social relationships that may increase bonds and alliance between members of the same group.”

Not an aberration

“In the early 2000s, same-sex sexual behavior in animals would often be seen as a ‘zoo problem,’ like it was the animals in captivity that were making the best out of a bad situation,” says Eliot Schrefer, author of Queer Ducks (and Other Animals), a young-adult book that illustrates the diversity of sexual behavior in animals. “But this kind of science shows the prevalence of said behaviors throughout the animal kingdom, which shows that it’s not some aberration that has been localized, but it is something that is essential,” adds Schrefer, who was not part of the study.

The study suggests that social bonds may have played a role in the evolution of same-sex sexual behavior, and it may be connected to animals’ transition from solitary living to “sociality,” or living in groups, which has evolutionary advantages. “Due to the multiple benefits of sociality, many behavioural strategies have evolved to ensure the cohesion and stability of social groups,” the authors write.

Janet Mann, a behavioral ecologist who was not involved in the study, says, “It makes sense that animals make use of the social behavior that they have available for them for social bonding.” However, she finds maintaining social bonds and intrasexual aggression to be the flip sides of the same coin. Social bonding, she explains, includes when animals ally themselves with others, and that provides protection. In extreme cases, male chimpanzees form tight alliances with one another, resulting in the whole community bonding to some degree. “They kill males with the neighboring community, so it’s not like they are having sex with those males,” she says.

While the Nature Communications report is one of the first studies that has provided research on a broader scale rather than sticking to one species, the authors are not hesitant to acknowledge that the data available are limited because interest among scientists and researchers studying same-sex sexual behavior in animals is very recent.

Mann says this lack of data meant the researchers couldn’t comprehensively address the frequency of same-sex sexual behavior; rather, the data primarily show presence or absence of behaviors. Therefore, a case in which a behavior is rare was weighed the same as a case in which it occurs frequently; both were reported as “occurring,” which is a limitation of the study.

Two male African wolves in Senegal.
Two male African wolves in Senegal. “In the early 2000s, same-sex sexual behavior in animals would often be seen as a ‘zoo problem,’ like it was the animals in captivity that were making the best out of a bad situation,” says author Eliot Schrefer.

Stigma in past research

This absence of sufficient data stems from intentional erasure by some scientists in the past due to the stigma attached to homosexuality and expected heterosexuality among animals. For a long time, the prevailing notion was that sexual behavior in the animal kingdom served solely as a tool for procreation, and that sexual behavior among the same sex in animals was considered either an error — or was labeled “perverted.” Heterosexual worldview influenced the approach of scientists like Valerius Geist, a mammalogist who, decades ago, refrained from publishing about frequent same-sex behavior noticed in bighorn sheep because, the Washington Post reports, it made him “cringe … to conceive of those magnificent beasts as ‘queers.’” Years later, he reportedly “admitted that the rams lived in essentially a homosexual society.”

“Science is made by scientists, and [some] scientists who go out in the field have the assumption that only heterosexual behavior is natural. And so, for a long time, they weren’t bothering to sex the animal they were finding or seeing if it were male or female; they were just assuming when one animal is mounting another.” Consequently, Schrefer says he suspects same-sex sexual behaviors in the animal world are vastly underestimated “because there are very few scientists that are going out and looking.”

These stigmas have not entirely left the scientific community. Mann recognizes that societal biases against same-sex sexual behavior in human societies influence the willingness of researchers to undertake such studies. The stigma creates a barrier, as approaching traditional funding agencies for studies may be met with reluctance or denial. The hierarchical nature of science, mirroring broader societal structures, also imposes limitations on junior researchers, dissuading them from delving into studies that challenge established norms, she says.

Mann’s contribution to the anthology Homosexual Behaviour in Animals: An Evolutionary Perspective has also opened up a window to same-sex sexual behavior among bottlenose dolphins. Reflecting on the trajectory of her work, she explains, “I wrote that chapter in the book because I was asked to, and they knew I had a lot of data. I had also already started tenure, so when the book came out, I was a full professor. As a full professor, I don’t have to worry; but my more junior colleagues, for them, there is some stigma.” It’s not correct, she says, but “if you are studying same-sex sexual behavior … people make assumptions about you as a person, that you are homosexual.”

This assumption about researchers’ identities has put skeptical eyes on the sciences that many pursue. Schrefer talks about a primatologist named Linda Wolfe, who wrote about female-female sex among macaques in the 1970s. She was a graduate student when she published about this, and the response was: “Why are you interested in this? Is something wrong with you? Are you a lesbian?” Schrefer says. “And so, if someone is part of the queer community, people would not trust the science that much.”

Melina Packer, an assistant professor of race, gender and sexuality studies at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse says she believes that while many people push for science to be depoliticized, it is impossible to do that, as everyone is a political being. What can be done is to acknowledge those potential biases. She further explains that those in power have a political position, and to state that some folks are biased because they are different from so-called societal norms is a political statement in itself. Further, she points out, scientists of diverse racial, gender and sexual identities are expected to leave those identities at the laboratory door. “But what about the identity of the dominant being, what about the white man’s identity? Why doesn’t he have to leave his identity at the laboratory door?” she says.

Many times, these biases lead to the dismissal of same-sex sexual behaviors in animals within research. “Because it is infrequent behavior, there aren’t necessarily studies of just sexual behavior; there are studies of courtship and mating, but it’s usually in the context of reproduction and the population and how it’s progressing. So, most of the focus is on the things that have obvious adaptive value.” The lack of focus on behaviors with unknown or uncertain adaptive values is another form of bias, Mann adds.

Two male dragonflies in the mating position.
Two male dragonflies in the mating position. For a long time, the prevailing notion was that sexual behavior in the animal kingdom served solely as a tool for procreation, and that sexual behavior among the same sex in animals was considered either an error — or was labeled “perverted.”

A study published in 2019 by a group of researchers suggests that same-sex behavior in animals is ancestral, meaning that it did not evolve independently but instead was always there in animals and persisted, as there are very few costs associated with same-sex behaviors. The authors note that it can be advantageous, and that the expression of both different-sex and same-sex behaviors “may be the norm for most animal species.” The authors propose shifting the questions from Why same-sex behavior? to Why not same-sex behavior?

To keep such biases from permeating scientific study, Packer refers to feminist science studies, which look at how science is embedded in culture and history. “Scientists are people, too, right? And scientists cannot help from bringing their biases, intentional or not, to the work we do, who we are, what culture we are raised in, how we are socialized, what historical moment we have lived in. All these forces are influencing the scientific process, what we sort of have been socially trained to see when we make an observation, particularly of animals. [If] you are raised in a culture that understands same-sex sexual behavior or homosexuality or queerness as wrong or abhorrent, you’re more likely to project that view onto the nonhuman animals you are viewing.”

To resolve this issue, Packer suggests more interdisciplinary collaboration with experts outside the sciences from including, but not limited to, arts and humanities. “The way we educate scientists, fundamentally, would shift; ideally, we all would be working together and breaking open those boxes and constraints as well. I think being encouraged and empowered to think differently as a scientist is essential, and ultimately science is supposed to be about asking critical questions and testing hypotheses. But all too often, what happens in science is you just follow behind the scientist who came before you where you take dominant theories for granted and don’t necessarily try to implode them or explode them.”

Stating the relevance of their research for the public, Gómez says, “any behavior or characteristic, no matter how unique we think it is to human beings, can be studied scientifically in a calm, disinterested and rigorous manner. And … the honest use of a scientific and rational approach can help us much more than other forms of knowledge to understand vital aspects of our life and our way of being.”

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19 Expert-Backed Tips For Keeping Your Long-Distance Sex Life Hot

— Relationship experts share their advice for keeping the intimacy alive when you’re miles apart.

By

Long-distance relationships can pose a number of challenges, but the lack of physical touch can be especially difficult.

That doesn’t mean it’s a hopeless situation, however. If you find yourself in a long-distance relationship (whether in “unprecedented” or “normal” times), there are ways to maintain a hot sex life. We asked dating coaches, sex educators and other relationship experts to share their advice for keeping things spicy in a long-distance relationship. Read on for 19 tips.

Start slow.

“Not everyone is accustomed to long-distance intimacy. Start slow and get to know what you and your partner find fun and sexy. You can start with a flirty text or photo and work your way up to more intimate virtual encounters.” ― Andrea McGinty, a dating coach and founder of 33 Thousand Dates

Build anticipation.

“One thing that keeps IRL couples going is the anticipation of seeing one another for dates and being able to look forward to events, trips and other milestone moments together. If you and your boo are separated right now, you might have to manufacture that feeling. Put special virtual dates on the calendar weeks in advance that you can look forward to.” ― Damona Hoffman, a dating coach and host of the “Dates & Mates” podcast

Invest in toys.

“You can pick up an app-controllable sex toy that can be operated from across the planet!” ― Zoe Ligon, a sex educator and founder of Spectrum Boutique

“You can enhance the mutual masturbation with haptically connected sex toys, like the Max2 and Nora by Lovesense, which is literally designed for long-distance lovers. His device is a penis sleeve, hers is a full-on vibrator — and when they’re in sync, the movement of one toy triggers the response of the other.” ― Ian Kerner, a sexuality counsellor and author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex”

Organise creative activities.

“Give your virtual connections some kind of (ahem) activity. It doesn’t have to be a sexy one. You could plan a distance game night, play truth or dare together, do a sip-and-paint night, watch the same steamy show together (virtually), write each other old-fashioned love letters ― get creative.” ― Hoffman

Plan sexy video calls.

“In terms of sexual connection, sexting, pictures and screen-sex with each other can go a long way. It goes without saying that you need to fully trust your partner in order to send anything salacious. But if you do, the self-pleasure via electronic connection can be super sexy. Having a box of various self-pleasure toys can also bolster the variety of sensations and fun.” ― Jenni Skyler, sex therapist at the The Intimacy Institute

“Set up a Zoom chat and watch some hot ethical porn together. Try Erika Lust if you’re new to the world of ethical porn. In Gallery View, you can have a mutual masturbation session once you can’t take it anymore. Try to synchronise your orgasms.” ― Kerner

Make a bucket list.

“Create a bucket list together using a bucket list book, where you share hopes and aspirations for the future and connect and add to it weekly. This can help keep your discussions lively and fresh, as many bucket list items have to do with travel and can even be about intimacy goals and things you want to try together.” ― McGinty

Step up your communication.

“Few things are as triggering as talking about sex and intimacy for most people, so if you are new to the relationship or new to talking about your needs and wants, be gentle with yourself and your partner. Be curious and present without any judgement. Especially if you are separated physically, you want to ensure you are not ‘walking away’ from each other energetically. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but talking about sex and intimacy can also be the most rewarding and satisfying thing you do.” ― Ian Lavalley a relationship and intimacy expert with 7 Star Love

“Be impeccable with your communication. This includes volume and quality. I like to encourage couples to text or call a few times in the day and get in at least one FaceTime session per day. This may seem like a lot, but if they miss a day or two, then the increased volume on the other days can compensate for missed days. The goal is to somewhat replicate what healthy couples do who live under the same roof. In terms of quality, sharing our experience ― be it a basic rundown of the day to deeper, more meaningful feelings ― is best done with extreme ownership. … Refrain from pointing any fingers, making any assumptions, and placing any blame. Rather, we own our feelings, our fears, and even our assumptions. We use ‘I’ language and ask questions with curiosity and compassion. The reason we need to do this is because it’s easy to fight, close the computer screen, and ignore the problem from afar for days on end. Nothing gets resolved and tension can grow exponentially.” ― Skyler

Take turns ‘hosting’ dates.

“I encourage couples to take turns hosting virtual date nights. This can be at the very basic level, where one partner selects the movie that they both watch together virtually, to the more sexually charged, like planning a virtual night out with themed food and toys that you have sent to your partner’s home prior to the date. The important thing is to mix it up and take turns showing each other fun aspects of your personality and sexuality.” ― McGinty

Create a romantic photoshoot.

“Slip into your hottest lingerie ― or boy shorts and a tight tank, whatever makes you feel good ― and pose for the camera. Then write provocative captions for each photo, including what you’d do to him if he was there, and send. Show as much or as little as you like, include your face or not — it’s all up to you. Or, FaceTime him with seductive poses, and let him screen-shot the images he likes!” ― Sadie Allison, a sexologist and the author of “Ride ’Em Cowgirl! Sex Position Secrets for Better Bucking”

Be clear about your boundaries.

“Because it’s long-distance, being really clear on your relationship and sexual boundaries is important. Are you sexually exclusive? Do you have other sexual partners when in different places? Again, don’t make any assumptions. Get super clear so you are on the same page and can have lots of fun without the context of your relationship.” ― Skyler

Surprise each other.

“Keep it interesting, and switch it up. If you have fallen into a virtual sex rut, add a new element. Pick out a new sex toy you want to try, send a surprise gift, write a letter. If you are used to sexting, try video or vice versa. The important thing is to switch it up and take turns planning.” ― McGinty

“Surprise each other with remote ways to be intimate ― mystery and lack of predictability are great ingredients of a thriving sex life!” ― Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy

Practice self-care.

“Continue to practice your own self-care and sexuality experiences — keeping yourself in a positive mental state and feeling sexy will do more for you than nightly phone sex sessions (which are rare in long-distance couples anyway).” ― Hoffman

“Keep working out, keep getting your mani/pedis, treat yourself to a mask while you WFH. The sexier you feel, the sexier you will be.” ― McGinty

Make a sexual ‘menu.’

“One thing I work on with all couples who want to keep the spark alive in their relationship is a sexual menu. In order to create a menu, each partner makes a list of all things he or she would potentially want to do or try in the sensual, sexual and erotic arena. I encourage people to be expansive, think out of the box, have fun with it — and just because something is only on your list doesn’t mean you have to try it. It’s a sort of sexual brainstorming without shame or expectation. Once they have given this thought and written it out, they share. The ground rules are no obligation, no shaming. … There may be things you haven’t thought of and once you see them, you would consider, and there also may be things you just aren’t game for — and that has to be OK. Everyone is unique and it’s OK to have different desires and fantasies. This can become like a game, choosing different menu items to try and alternating between the two menus and taking turns with things on both menus getting high priority … erotic literature or fantasy graphic novels, or cooking naked together (by video) or using some erotic toys…” ― Ross

Keep it audio-only.

“Couples are going to benefit from the increased courage and detachment of a phone call and they can share personal things they have a hard time disclosing face-to-face. For this reason, let’s let go of any dependency on video chat and go for old-school phone calls. There’s a reason radio is considered the most intimate medium. When we can watch, we often stop listening. When we can be watched, we can become preoccupied with our appearance. So relax and talk.” ― Steven Ing, a marriage and family therapist

“Before cellphones and FaceTime, we’d spend hours talking on landlines, enjoying the mystique of hearing your lover’s voice and using your imagination for the rest. Explore sexy talk with only your words and fluctuations of your voice to serenade. Remember it’s not always ‘what’ you say, but ‘how’ you say it. Tips: Speak much slower than you normally would, bring your voice low — like down to a whisper like you’re just waking up — and breath heavier into the phone.” ― Allison

Ask questions.

“We teach our clients who have long-distance relationships to nurture curiosity and longing. Everyone will say have phone sex or video sex, and that’s fine, but you can actually create amazing connection and desire through curiosity. Curiosity means asking your partner what he or she would like to experience sexually and how you can meet those. This is also a great sexual mastery skill — actually listening and delivering on that! … To make this safe and less awkward, start by telling your partner what you really love about them and what you miss the most ― and what you wish to see, touch, cherish again. Then ask them to share what they want and would like to experience.” ― Lavalley

Release your inhibitions.

“If you tend to hold back because of inhibitions, now is a good time to try to push past some of them. Keep it fun. If something doesn’t turn out great, it’s OK. Many factors go into a hot sex life and it could just be an off day.” ― Ross

Have sex with yourself.

“Focus on your sexual relationship with yourself, even if you have a partner! While this isn’t the goal of masturbation, sexual time with yourself can make partnered sex even more amazing because it can help us know what types of stimulation we like and help us figure out how to communicate that to a partner.” ― Ligon

Fantasise.

“Conjure up a fantasy about your partner, one that you can get off to. Orgasm is a very powerful reward that lights up all parts of the brain and leads to feelings of well-being. Too often we’re pairing our solo orgasms with a porn performer or character in an erotic novel, but by masturbating to fantasies of your partner you’re linking that feel-good reward with the long-distance lover you’re missing and reinforcing the connection between the two of you. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but we also need to stay erotically focused on each other and find ways to use that absence creatively.” ― Kerner

“Fantasise about being with your partner again and what you want to do. If you feel comfortable, you can even share your fantasies with your partner. That can be hot!” ― Rachel Needle, licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist

Give yourself grace.

“Often the first thing I offer my long-distance couples to consider (and many of my non-long-distance couples, for that matter), is to give themselves grace. NOTHING is normal right now, so expecting your sex life to not only be normal but to thrive is perhaps unrealistic. … Much of our cultural messaging about relationships is that a problem around sex means a problem with the relationship, and part of the work I’m doing now with many couples is helping them realize that that is not entirely true. They don’t have to beat themselves up if nothing about their sex life is fulfilling right now. The beauty of this grace, self-compassion and acceptance is that a lot of times, taking that pressure off actually improves the sexual situation!” ― Jill McDevitt, a sexologist and sexual happiness coach

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H​ow to have a good threesome

— Safety, consent​, planning, and communication are key, sex experts​ say

By Ashley Couto

  • In 2022, searches for threesomes on Pornhub rose by 34%, making it the 4th most searched term. 
  • If you’re curious but unsure where to start, these tips from sexologists and sex educators will help.
  • Safety and consent are paramount, as is preparation and the right configuration. 

Of the range of sexual fantasies, multi-partner sex tops the list. In 2022, searches on Pornhub for the term “threesomes” rose 34% to become the fourth most searched term.

But while threesomes may be close to top of mind worldwide for a little adult content watching, the logistics of threesomes in real life are far more complex. From concerns about safe sex to different partner configurations, there’s a lot that goes into a great three-way sexual encounter.

Business Insider spoke to sexologists and AASECT-certified sex educators and therapists to find out how to have a safe and pleasurable threesome.

What makes for a great threesome

Carol Queen, a sexologist at Good Vibes and curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, said “three people who are comfortable with sexuality, can communicate well, are attracted enough to each other to be sexual together” are the best group for a threesome. All partners should “have compatible interests and boundaries to have a good time.”

How to find a third

If you’re in a monogamous relationship, finding who to add as a third party can be a big decision. Queen advises to “skip the friend option unless you have a friend who is an open and openhearted sex explorer — a friend like that might actually love to take you under their wing.” Queen added that inviting a friend over and propositioning them is a big no-no. Open and honest communication will be critical to ensure the health of the friendship long-term.

If you’re not sure where to find a third, Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy, suggested joining apps like Feeld or Bloom, which are “geared toward the non-monogamous community, and you can mention that you are new to this and need some time to get to know people before jumping into bed.”

The right position will vary with each threesome

Although some positions may be more conducive to a threesome than others, not every position will work in every configuration, and it’s important to communicate with partners about what will work for you, according to sexologist Lisa Lawless.

“Some sex positions are more accessible if you’re a certain height or weight or are particularly strong or flexible,” Lawless said. The best position will depend on the type of sexual stimulation one wishes to receive or provide.

Lawless suggested the following positions:

Double cowgirl

In double cowgirl, one partner rides on the partner’s genitals while the other rides that person’s face. In this position, Lawless said, “The person on the bottom gets stimulation from both partners simultaneously. For many, watching their partners in this position can be visually arousing.”

However, for the person on the bottom, supporting both partners can get tiring, and it may make communication between partners difficult. Be sure to check in regularly.

69 plus 1

Friendly for configurations with two vaginas or two penises, in this position, two partners get into a 69 position. The third partner stands at the edge of the bed to penetrate one of the partners. Lawless said that the side-to-side configuration “can increase intimacy between the two partners on the bed,” but be mindful of neck strain.

Virtual threesome

Some partners may not be comfortable inviting a third person into the bedroom, so a virtual threesome allows a couple to have sex while a third person interacts through a screen in a different location. Lawless said that “app-controlled toys can enhance pleasure and interactivity among partners despite the distance.”

Safe sex and proper planning are critical

Michele M. March, a sex therapist at the Council for Relationships, emphasized the importance of safe sex to a successful threesome. “Some discussion of partners’ current sexual health status is important.” Winging it is ill-advised. “Who will bring the condoms? Will everyone agree to a pause for hygiene needs or for time to use effective protection? Some consideration of who uses what protection — against STI’s and pregnancy,” March said will help make everyone feel comfortable.

Weiss stressed the importance of swapping condoms frequently. “It’s safest to use a new condom each time you go from penetrating one partner to the other or from one orifice to another – and definitely if you are switching from anal to vaginal or oral,”

If you’re using lubricant, which every sexpert recommended, consider your options carefully. “Silicone lube is helpful because it lasts the longest, though you don’t want to use it with silicone toys,” Weiss said. Water-based lubricants work well with both toys and condoms, and oil-based lube should be avoided with condoms.

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Let’s discuss hypergamy

— The oldest dating technique in the book

It’s basically the entire plot of Bridgerton

By Rachel Varina

From Carrie Bradshaw and Big to pretty much everyone on The Real Housewives, the concept of marrying “up” is nothing new—yet somehow, it’s one of those themes that never seem to go out of style. Take, for example, Bridgerton.

Behind all the sex (and yup, there’s a lot of sex), the story is about families climbing the ranks of society by courting with people of “higher” social statuses. The term for this phenomenon is “hypergamy,” and according to Damona Hoffman, OkCupid‘s official dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates podcast, it’s as old as time.

“The idea of marrying for love is actually a very contemporary practice,” Hoffman says. “Marriage traditionally was for ensuring the financial stability of a woman’s family.” And while the concept is a major focal point of shows, books, movies, history, and daydreams, it’s actually a real thing that’s still very much happening in the world.

Very simply, hypergamy is the act of marrying or dating someone you think is more successful and/or secure than you—whether you do it consciously or subconsciously, says Alysha Jeney, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling. “This can often be due to the desire to want to achieve financial security or to boost reputation. It can also be due to the desire to seek a ‘higher level’ of self-worth and identity,” she says.

And even though the term has gotten much buzzier over the past few years, the concept has been around for a super long time. “[Hypergamy] can be traced back to castes in Hindu society,” explains licensed clinical social worker, Shamyra Howard—meaning the practice of hypergamy is at least 3,000 years old.

“Hypergamy is essentially a patriarchal constructed form of partnership from a time when women had very little education, weren’t able to work, and needed their partner for survival,” says Howard. “Marriage was mostly about survival and protection. Marriage for love is a new concept.”

Back in the days of women not being allowed to vote, own property, or secure assets without a husband, hypergamy was one of the only ways to get ahead.

Why is hypergamy still a thing?

Since hypergamy’s been around for what feels like ever, and marriage being tied to love has only been a thing for the past 250 years or so, it’s not too surprising that hypergamous relationships haven’t totally died out.

In some class systems, marriages are arranged so the woman marries into a wealthy family,” explains Howard. India is commonly known for still practicing arranged marriages, as is China (even though they’re technically outlawed), Iran, and Indonesia.

You might be surprised to learn, however, that while arranged marriages aren’t as common in western society, hypergamy still very much is. In fact, there are a ton of celebrity couples out there who are hypergamous such as Donald and Melania Trump and previously Erika Jayne and Tom Girard, says Hoffman. Fictionally, characters such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and of course, Bridgerton‘s Simon and Daphne practiced hypergamy as well.

In Bridgerton, viewers saw first-hand how important it was for a daughter to secure a good husband to help her family climb the social ladder. That’s basically the entire plot of the series. And while we’re not watching princes suck spoons in 19th century London, many people still choose to engage in hypergamy today, whether consciously or not.

“As the cost of living continues to go up and the view of lavish lifestyles permeates social media, TV, and magazines, people will continue to strive to be upwardly-mobile,” explains Hoffman. And one of the easiest ways to do this is by marrying into money and status, says Jeney,

“The recent discussions around hypergamy are re-birthed from current issues related to capitalism, the cost of living, and financial woes,” says Hoffman.

Who can be in a hypergamous relationship?

It’s important to note that hypergamous relationships don’t just happen in cis male/cis female partnerships, says Jeney. In fact, Howard says it’s prevalent in almost every community.

Is hypergamy “wrong”?

While blatantly hypergamous people are sometimes referred to as “gold diggers” the truth is, the concept of actively seeking a powerful and secure partner is kind of ingrained in our genetic makeup. “Many people state that hypergamy is not a choice, but evolutionary,” says Howard. “There have been reports that some people desire others that are the most resourceful and powerful, those who not only possess financial clout but social clout as well.”

And now with social media, the idea of seeking social clout and financial stability by way of a partner is easier and more obtainable than ever. “Blue checks represent a different type of currency which, for many people is invaluable,” says Howard. “So many people desire to be with those who are followed and desired by many, and if that person is rich that’s even better.”

But before you feel like hypergamy is a given, know that it isn’t something you have to buy into, even if it’s somewhat predisposition for us. So while it’s not *wrong,* that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for everyone. It all comes down to doing what’s right for you, ethically and emotionally.

Is hypergamy a healthy relationship style?

“Seeking a partner for the sole purpose of financial and/or social gain can become an unhealthy process that involves manipulation, deceit, and overall fulfillment,” says Howard.

In addition to there potentially being an uneven power dynamic in a hypergamous relationship, things like a lack of intimacy or understanding could also come into play, says Jeney. Since the person practicing hypogamy (the one in the partnership who’s “marrying down”) might feel like they have the ultimate control in the relationship, it can lead to an unhealthy and unequal distribution of weight in the partnership.

Howard says according to The Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Family Studies, “Hypogamy is mostly practiced by men for the purpose of maintaining control.” For these types of relationships to be successful, communication, boundaries, and clear expectations are more vital than ever to keep things healthy and respectful between the partners.

Why should we care about hypergamy?

Because it actually plays a major role in the structure of society—not only in the past, but for the future as well. While some people view hypergamy as a smart and/or necessary move, others think it could be detrimental to female empowerment. Mainly because it could send convince some people their worth is only defined by who they marry.

That said, if you come from financial insecurity, hypergamy is not only encouraged, but it can sometimes seem like the only option to reach a different economic status, explains Hoffman. And even if you are financially stable, a 2016 study by the University of British Columbia concluded that even though women earn more college degrees than men, they’re still 93 percent more likely to “marry up” financially.

Whether you’re for or against the practice, hypergamous relationships aren’t going anywhere any time soon. “Hypergamy is something that will always be practiced in a culture where money and power are glorified,” notes Hoffman. “Marriage is still somewhat of an exchange of values. A hypergamous person may value youth or beauty over social status while a hypergamous person would overlook other factors of relationship compatibility if someone could help them elevate their financial or social situation.”

What should I consider before entering a hypergamous relationship?

If you’re thinking about entering into a hypergamous or hypogamous marriage or relationship, Hoffman says it’s essential to reflect on your priorities. “Hypergamy isn’t wrong, but I think it’s important for all daters to figure out what is truly important to them in a partnership and figure out if money or power has value for them over other key qualities in their ideal mate,” she explains.

“As gender roles shift and the playing field in dating becomes level, it’s important to question the values of prior generations and see if common beliefs about what makes someone a ‘high value’ mate are the same things that mattered before.”

As with most relationships, there are going to be tradeoffs with a hypergamous relationship, and only you can decide what’s right for you. Howard says in order to make these types of relationships work, it’s best to be honest about what you’re looking for.

“Marrying for money isn’t a new concept, however, the act of marrying someone for financial stability often works best when each person is aware and agrees on their involvement.”

Whether you’re after a royal or simply true love, the pros agree: The key to a solid coupling is communication.

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A men’s sex coach shares 4 things he did to turn casual hookups into the best sex of his life

Alex Grendi is a men’s sex coach. He’s helped more than 250 men learn to have satisfying partnered sex through his virtual $3,000 course.

By Julia Naftulin

  • Mens’ sex coach Alex Grendi says changing his mindset around intimacy transformed his sex life for the better.
  • Grendi said four tips helped him make partnered sex more pleasurable for him and his partners.
  • Following these tips can turn even one-night stands into amazing sex, Grendi said.

Once a week, Alex Grendi gets on Zoom with eight men, fielding their questions about how to impress their female partners in bed and ways to maximize their performance.

As a men’s sex coach, Grendi has helped hundreds of men have the best sex of their lives, the kind that makes their female partners gush to their friends about how mind-blowing it was for them too.

Grendi does this through his 12-week virtual course, which includes 72 sex lessons and weekly group check-ins. For $3,000, Grendi’s clients get lifetime access to his video modules, he told Business Insider. The lessons, which focus on things like personal arousal and female pleasure, are useful for both single and partnered men, according to Grendi.

He said that he’s tried all of his tips, both while in relationships and single, finding that even casual hookups could be deeply satisfying when he took the right approach.

“Before using these tips, I tried to perform like a porn star without really considering my or my partner’s desires. Now, I’m having the best sex of my life. I feel complete confidence and control, can last as long as I want, and help my partners have some of the deepest and most expansive orgasms of their lives,” Grendi told Business Insider.

Below, Grendi shares his four top takeaways for men who want to have better sex.

Reduce stress in your day-to-day life

One of Grendi’s sex coaches helped him realize that taking care of your mental health is important for a satisfying sex life, he said.

Until then, Grendi said he didn’t take much time for himself to calm down after a stressful day at work, let alone before a date that could result in sex.

But when he started taking time to reduce daily stress — exercising, and swapping morning doom-scrolling on his phone for reading a book or going for a walk — Grendi noticed that he could enter sexual experiences with a more grounded and less anxious demeanor.

“You can’t just be going 100 miles an hour all day and then expect you can just switch that off at 9 PM and be totally calm and ready for pleasure. You need to be able to regulate your nervous system throughout the day,” Grendi told Insider.

Don’t assume every partner wants the same things during sex

Grendi also learned how to focus on his sexual partners in more helpful ways, he told Business Insider.

Before working with sex coaches, he fixated on how a partner might judge his performance after sex, or what she might tell her friends. But Grendi’s female sex coach taught him that turning his attention to how each individual partner likes to receive pleasure was a better strategy for improving his performance.

Grendi said that she taught him about the concept of pleasure mapping, or slowly touching different areas of a partner’s body and genitals to understand what they personally want and need to get off, and which areas to avoid.

“When I started to do this with new partners, they would tell me that they’ve never been touched like this before. It’s been pretty special to help partners connect to their pleasure or have orgasms in new ways,” Grendi said.

Since pleasure mapping doesn’t center penetrative sex, it became a way for Grendi to focus less on his penis and more on pleasure as a full-body experience, he said.

Experiment with touch when you’re alone

Another men’s sex coach taught Grendi the importance of self-touch for becoming a better sexual partner, he said.

Like he did with his partners, Grendi committed to touching himself all over, not just his genitals. He said he still sets aside an hour each week — usually three 20-minute sessions — to be alone and experiment with feel-good sensations, like lightly biting his arm or scratching his chest. This practice has never gotten in the way of his sexual relationships, Grendi said.

According to Grendi, this practice made him realize there were so many more ways to feel pleasure than he knew was possible.

“Exploring every part of your body is a huge factor in knowing what you want,” Grendi said.

Practice being comfortable with saying “no”

When Grendi explored his body, he also learned the types of sensations he doesn’t like during partnered intimacy, like being touched on the lips, he said.

“If someone’s doing that and I don’t say anything, I’m just going to be thinking, ‘Wow, this is the last thing I want right now, but I don’t want to ruin the mood,'” Grendi said.

He said that one of his male sex coaches taught him how to avoid this outcome, instilling in him the importance of saying “no” to someone in a sexual setting without feeling guilty about it.

“Now, I’ll be like, ‘Hey, please be mindful not to touch my face. I like it more if you touch my neck,'” Grendi said. He told Insider that this practice has been a “game-changer” in his sex life because it makes sex feel more like a collaboration between partners, rather than a self-sacrificing performance.

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Museum classifies Roman emperor as trans

— But modern labels oversimplify ancient gender identities

The Roses of Heliogabalus by Alma-Tadema (1888) depicts a feast thrown by Elagabalus.

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Elagabalus ruled as Roman emperor for just four years before being murdered in AD 222. He was still a teenager when he died. Despite his short reign, Elagabalus is counted among the most infamous of Roman emperors, often listed alongside Caligula and Nero.

His indiscretions, recorded by the Roman chroniclers, include: marrying a vestal virgin, the most chaste of Roman priestesses, twice; dressing up as a female prostitute and selling his body to other men; allowing himself to be penetrated (and by the bigger the penis the better); marrying a man, the charioteer Hierocles; and declaring himself not to be an emperor at all, but an empress: “Call me not Lord, for I am a Lady”.

Based on this quote, North Hertfordshire Museum has reclassified Elagabalus as a transgender woman, and will now use the pronouns she/her. The museum has a single coin depicting Elagabalus, which is sometimes displayed along with other LGBTQ+ artefacts from their collection.

When writing about ancient subjects, from emperors to slaves, the first question historians have to ask is: how do we know what we do? Most of our written sources are fragmentary, incomplete and rarely contemporary, amounting to little more than gossip or hearsay at best, malign propaganda at worst. It’s rare that we have a figure’s own words to guide us.

Elagabalus is no exception. For Elagabalus, our principle source is the Roman historian Cassius Dio. A senator and politician before turning his hand to history, Dio was not only a contemporary of the emperor, but part of his regime.

However, Dio wrote his Roman history under the patronage of Elagabalus’ cousin, Severus Alexander. He took the throne following Elagabalus’s assassination. It was therefore in Dio’s interest to paint his patron’s predecessor in a bad light.

Sexual slurs and the Romans

Sexual slurs were always among the first insults thrown by Roman authors. Julius Caesar was accused of being penetrated by the Bithynian king so many times it earned him the nickname “the Queen of Bithynia”.

It was rumoured that both Mark Antony and Augustus had prostituted themselves for political gain earlier in their careers. And Nero was said to have worn the bridal veil to marry a man.

The Romans were no stranger to same-sex relationships, however. It would have been more unusual for a Roman emperor not to have slept with men. Roman sexual identities were complex constructs, revolving around notions such as status and power.

A bust of Elagabalus.
A bust of Elagabalus.

The gender of a person’s sexual partner did not come into it. Instead, sexual orientation was informed by sexual role: were they the dominant or passive partner?

To be the dominant partner, in business, politics and war as much as in the bedroom, was at the root of what made a Roman man a man. The Latin word we translate as “man”, vir, is the root of the modern word “virile”, and to the Romans there was nothing more manly than virility. To penetrate – whether men, women, or both – was seen as manly, and therefore as Roman.

Conversely, for a Roman man to be passive, to be penetrated, was seen as unmanly. The Romans thought such an act of penetration stripped a man of his virility, making him less than a man – akin to a woman or, even worse, a slave.

A man who enjoyed being penetrated was sometimes called a cinaedus, and in Latin literature cinaedi are often described as taking on the role of the woman in more than the bedroom, both dressing and acting effeminately. The implication is always that the way they dressed, acted and had sex was somehow subversive – distinctly un-Roman.

The word cinaedus appears in Latin literature almost exclusively as an insult — and it’s this literary role that is ascribed to Caesar, Mark Antony, Nero and Elagabalus. The power of the insult stems not from saying that these men had sex with men, but that they were penetrated by men.

It’s worth noting that these rules of Roman sexuality only applied to freeborn adult, male Roman citizens. They did not apply to women, slaves, freedmen, foreigners or even beardless youths. These people were all considered fair game to a virile Roman man, as uncomfortable a concept as that might be to us today.

Was Elagabalus transgender?

While the Romans clearly engaged in acts that we today consider gay or straight sex, they would not recognise the sexual orientations we associate with them. The ancient Romans did not share the same conceptions of sexuality that we do.

Many men’s sexual behaviour was what we would now term bisexual. Some lived in a manner we might describe as gender non-conforming. The concept of a person being transgender was not unknown. But an ancient Roman would not have self-identified as any of those things.

We cannot retroactively apply such modern, western identities to the inhabitants of the past and we must be careful not to misgender or misidentify them – especially if our only evidence for how they might have identified comes from hostile writers.

In attempting to fact check the sexual slurs and propaganda from the biographical facts, there is a danger that we lose sight of the fact that ancient Romans did recognise a huge variety of sexual orientations and gender identities – just as we do today. To attempt to crudely ascribe modern labels to ancient figures such as Elagabalus is not only to strip them of their agency, but also to oversimplify what is a wonderfully, fabulously broad and nuanced subject.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!