— The oldest dating technique in the book

It’s basically the entire plot of Bridgerton

By Rachel Varina

From Carrie Bradshaw and Big to pretty much everyone on The Real Housewives, the concept of marrying “up” is nothing new—yet somehow, it’s one of those themes that never seem to go out of style. Take, for example, Bridgerton.

Behind all the sex (and yup, there’s a lot of sex), the story is about families climbing the ranks of society by courting with people of “higher” social statuses. The term for this phenomenon is “hypergamy,” and according to Damona Hoffman, OkCupid‘s official dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates podcast, it’s as old as time.

“The idea of marrying for love is actually a very contemporary practice,” Hoffman says. “Marriage traditionally was for ensuring the financial stability of a woman’s family.” And while the concept is a major focal point of shows, books, movies, history, and daydreams, it’s actually a real thing that’s still very much happening in the world.

Very simply, hypergamy is the act of marrying or dating someone you think is more successful and/or secure than you—whether you do it consciously or subconsciously, says Alysha Jeney, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling. “This can often be due to the desire to want to achieve financial security or to boost reputation. It can also be due to the desire to seek a ‘higher level’ of self-worth and identity,” she says.

And even though the term has gotten much buzzier over the past few years, the concept has been around for a super long time. “[Hypergamy] can be traced back to castes in Hindu society,” explains licensed clinical social worker, Shamyra Howard—meaning the practice of hypergamy is at least 3,000 years old.

“Hypergamy is essentially a patriarchal constructed form of partnership from a time when women had very little education, weren’t able to work, and needed their partner for survival,” says Howard. “Marriage was mostly about survival and protection. Marriage for love is a new concept.”

Back in the days of women not being allowed to vote, own property, or secure assets without a husband, hypergamy was one of the only ways to get ahead.

Why is hypergamy still a thing?

Since hypergamy’s been around for what feels like ever, and marriage being tied to love has only been a thing for the past 250 years or so, it’s not too surprising that hypergamous relationships haven’t totally died out.

In some class systems, marriages are arranged so the woman marries into a wealthy family,” explains Howard. India is commonly known for still practicing arranged marriages, as is China (even though they’re technically outlawed), Iran, and Indonesia.

You might be surprised to learn, however, that while arranged marriages aren’t as common in western society, hypergamy still very much is. In fact, there are a ton of celebrity couples out there who are hypergamous such as Donald and Melania Trump and previously Erika Jayne and Tom Girard, says Hoffman. Fictionally, characters such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and of course, Bridgerton‘s Simon and Daphne practiced hypergamy as well.

In Bridgerton, viewers saw first-hand how important it was for a daughter to secure a good husband to help her family climb the social ladder. That’s basically the entire plot of the series. And while we’re not watching princes suck spoons in 19th century London, many people still choose to engage in hypergamy today, whether consciously or not.

“As the cost of living continues to go up and the view of lavish lifestyles permeates social media, TV, and magazines, people will continue to strive to be upwardly-mobile,” explains Hoffman. And one of the easiest ways to do this is by marrying into money and status, says Jeney,

“The recent discussions around hypergamy are re-birthed from current issues related to capitalism, the cost of living, and financial woes,” says Hoffman.

Who can be in a hypergamous relationship?

It’s important to note that hypergamous relationships don’t just happen in cis male/cis female partnerships, says Jeney. In fact, Howard says it’s prevalent in almost every community.

Is hypergamy “wrong”?

While blatantly hypergamous people are sometimes referred to as “gold diggers” the truth is, the concept of actively seeking a powerful and secure partner is kind of ingrained in our genetic makeup. “Many people state that hypergamy is not a choice, but evolutionary,” says Howard. “There have been reports that some people desire others that are the most resourceful and powerful, those who not only possess financial clout but social clout as well.”

And now with social media, the idea of seeking social clout and financial stability by way of a partner is easier and more obtainable than ever. “Blue checks represent a different type of currency which, for many people is invaluable,” says Howard. “So many people desire to be with those who are followed and desired by many, and if that person is rich that’s even better.”

But before you feel like hypergamy is a given, know that it isn’t something you have to buy into, even if it’s somewhat predisposition for us. So while it’s not *wrong,* that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for everyone. It all comes down to doing what’s right for you, ethically and emotionally.

Is hypergamy a healthy relationship style?

“Seeking a partner for the sole purpose of financial and/or social gain can become an unhealthy process that involves manipulation, deceit, and overall fulfillment,” says Howard.

In addition to there potentially being an uneven power dynamic in a hypergamous relationship, things like a lack of intimacy or understanding could also come into play, says Jeney. Since the person practicing hypogamy (the one in the partnership who’s “marrying down”) might feel like they have the ultimate control in the relationship, it can lead to an unhealthy and unequal distribution of weight in the partnership.

Howard says according to The Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Family Studies, “Hypogamy is mostly practiced by men for the purpose of maintaining control.” For these types of relationships to be successful, communication, boundaries, and clear expectations are more vital than ever to keep things healthy and respectful between the partners.

Why should we care about hypergamy?

Because it actually plays a major role in the structure of society—not only in the past, but for the future as well. While some people view hypergamy as a smart and/or necessary move, others think it could be detrimental to female empowerment. Mainly because it could send convince some people their worth is only defined by who they marry.

That said, if you come from financial insecurity, hypergamy is not only encouraged, but it can sometimes seem like the only option to reach a different economic status, explains Hoffman. And even if you are financially stable, a 2016 study by the University of British Columbia concluded that even though women earn more college degrees than men, they’re still 93 percent more likely to “marry up” financially.

Whether you’re for or against the practice, hypergamous relationships aren’t going anywhere any time soon. “Hypergamy is something that will always be practiced in a culture where money and power are glorified,” notes Hoffman. “Marriage is still somewhat of an exchange of values. A hypergamous person may value youth or beauty over social status while a hypergamous person would overlook other factors of relationship compatibility if someone could help them elevate their financial or social situation.”

What should I consider before entering a hypergamous relationship?

If you’re thinking about entering into a hypergamous or hypogamous marriage or relationship, Hoffman says it’s essential to reflect on your priorities. “Hypergamy isn’t wrong, but I think it’s important for all daters to figure out what is truly important to them in a partnership and figure out if money or power has value for them over other key qualities in their ideal mate,” she explains.

“As gender roles shift and the playing field in dating becomes level, it’s important to question the values of prior generations and see if common beliefs about what makes someone a ‘high value’ mate are the same things that mattered before.”

As with most relationships, there are going to be tradeoffs with a hypergamous relationship, and only you can decide what’s right for you. Howard says in order to make these types of relationships work, it’s best to be honest about what you’re looking for.

“Marrying for money isn’t a new concept, however, the act of marrying someone for financial stability often works best when each person is aware and agrees on their involvement.”

Whether you’re after a royal or simply true love, the pros agree: The key to a solid coupling is communication.

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