Category: Infidelity

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The Secrets of Sex Over 40

— 8 Questions Answered

New AARP survey reveals how often older adults have sex, and lots more

By Robin L. Flanigan

Most older adults believe sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship, and more than half say their sex lives are as satisfying – or even better—than a decade ago.

In a new AARP Research survey released Sept. 29, people over 40 got frank about what goes on in their lives – or doesn’t – when it comes to intimacy and sex.
The survey “Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond” polled 2,500 people 40 and older about how perceptions, behaviors, attitudes and preferences about sexual experiences have changed over time. Three-quarters of survey respondents were over 50.

Among the findings:

  • 72 percent of men and 63 percent of women have a current regular sexual partner.
  • Less than half of those surveyed —46 percent—said they were satisfied with their current sex life.
  • Four out of 5 people said their relationships were physically pleasurable and emotionally satisfying.
  • Having sex with a stranger is the most common sexual fantasy for both men and women.

The report also found that over the past 20 years, the frequency of sex in this age group declined, but other types of sexual activity – like masturbation and oral sex – increased.

“Sex doesn’t get any less important as we age,” says Patty David, AARP vice president of consumer insights. “It continues to be a vital part of a good relationship, which shows that intimacy and physical connection are important to all ages.”

1. How often do people in middle age and older have sex?

Older adults still have plenty of sex. Thirty percent told AARP researchers that they have sex weekly, 27 percent said monthly or less, and 40 percent reported having no sex in the last six months. One in 6 adults over 70 reported having sex weekly.
When it comes to oral sex, the frequency is a bit less: 18 percent said they have oral sex weekly, 25 percent said monthly, and 54 percent said none in the past six months.

But not everyone thinks they’re having enough sex: 46 percent said they were having the right amount, and 45 percent said they weren’t having enough. Men were more likely than women to say they’re not having enough sex, and women were more likely to say they were having just the right amount.

Certified sex therapist and psychologist Stephanie Buehler says there are lots of ways to be sexual as an older adult and recommends people expand ideas about what it means to show affection in the bedroom.

“It’s about acceptance and adaptation,” says Buehler, author of Enliven Your Sex Life! “Stop worrying about what you can no longer do and explore to find out how you can still experience sexual pleasure at any age.”

2. Do men and women differ in their levels of sexual desire?

Overall, 55 percent of those surveyed said they considered their sexual desire about average, 15 percent said higher than average and 29 percent said lower than average.

But men were more likely than women to rate their level of sexual desire as higher than average. Women were more likely to rate their level of sexual desire as lower than average.

3. How frequently do older adults masturbate?

The survey found that 55 percent of people reported pleasuring themselves in the past six months. Among those who did masturbate, 61 percent did so within the past week. About one in 4 pleasure themselves weekly, but that number decreases as age rises: Only 11 percent of people age 70 and older reported masturbating in the previous week, compared with 40 percent of those ages 40-49.

“Masturbation is natural and shouldn’t produce feelings of guilt or embarrassment,” says Buehler, adding that it also can be helpful if your partner doesn’t want as much sexual activity as you do.

One in 3 people reported using a vibrator for personal enjoyment, though women were more likely to say they were using one compared with men, at 42 percent versus 18 percent. People who identified as nonheterosexual were also more likely to report using a vibrator for self-stimulation (66 percent compared with 28 percent of those identifying as heterosexual).

4. How common is infidelity after midlife?

Fourteen percent of people reported being unfaithful, according to the survey. Seventeen percent of men said they’d had a sexual relationship with someone other than their partner, compared with 11 percent of women.

The reasons? For both men and women, the novelty of sex with someone other than their partner was tops. Men were more likely than women to say they were interested in sexual activities that their partner wasn’t interested in. For women, the answers trended toward feeling unappreciated by their partner and having a higher sex drive than their partner.

A quarter of those surveyed also reported reasons for sex with someone besides their primary partners as consensual monogamy or polyamory.

While many respondents reported that infidelity or suspected infidelity had a negative impact on their relationships, few people chose to end them because of it – only 4 percent did.

After an affair, most relationships are strained but survive, Buehler says.

“Repairing takes a lot of difficult conversations,” Buehler says, “as the person who had the affair spends time reflecting and the hurt partner takes time to understand the reasoning and heal.”

5. Is erectile dysfunction increasing?

The number of men who say they have difficulty with sexual function is growing. Just 4 in 10 men said they are always able to get and keep an erection for intercourse, down from half of men in 2009, according to AARP researchers.

In fact, 28 percent of those men surveyed said they’ve been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction or impotence, up from 23 percent in 2009 and 17 percent in 2004. But many men are looking for help: 6 out of 10 men who said they had general sexual functioning problems reported that they sought treatment.

Only 12 percent of women reported problems related to sexual functioning and more than half of those said they didn’t seek treatment because they didn’t feel comfortable discussing the issue.

Health concerns, like diabetes, stress and high blood pressure can impact sexual functioning: 79 percent of those surveyed said they’d been diagnosed with a medical condition.

6. Do older adults typically have a regular sex partner?

The AARP survey found that two-thirds of people reported they had a regular sex partner. Younger respondents had the highest likelihood of reporting a regular sex partner, but even over age 70, a little more than half of people said they had someone they regularly engaged in sexual activity with.

7. Are sexual fantasies among older adults common?

The answer is a resounding yes: 83 percent of those surveyed said they had sexual thoughts, fantasies or erotic dreams.

While having sex with a stranger was the most common fantasy for both genders, men’s fantasies included having sex with more than one person at a time, while women were more likely to say that they fantasized about having sex with someone of the same sex or having sex in different locations.

But people are keeping their fantasies to themselves: Roughly two-thirds said they hadn’t discussed them with others.

8. What are the best ways to keep romance alive?

The pandemic has had an impact on how people view their relationships. The survey found that 41 percent of older adults want an increased connection with their significant other, and 70 percent said they believe quality time and strong connections are more important now than before COVID-19.

However, the survey found that 31 percent of those divorced or never married are apt to say, “Romance? What’s that?”

Here’s how couples say they are keeping the romance going, according to the survey:

  • 63 percent make a point of saying ‘I love you”
  • 57 percent celebrate special days like birthdays and anniversaries
  • 35 percent take a vacation or romantic trip annually
  • 32 percent set aside time to enjoy each other’s company
  • 30 percent buy each other gifts or flower

David, of AARP, notes that in many cases the impact of COVID-19 has been to highlight the importance of relationships with friends, family, spouses or romantic partners. “It has made our connections even stronger,” she said. “Couple this with the importance of spending time with each other to keep the romance in the relationship and you have a powerful recipe for contentment and happiness.”

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The Ethical Slut has been called ‘the bible’ of non-monogamy

– But its sexual utopia is oversimplified

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In 2022, University of Melbourne evolutionary psychologist Dr Khandis Blake estimated that among young people, “around 4-5 per cent of people might be involved in a polyamorous relationship, and about 20 per cent have probably tried one”.

Polyamory statistics in Australia are limited. But recent research in the US shows just over 11% of people are currently in polyamorous relationships, while 20% have engaged in some form of non-monogamy. In the UK, just under 10% of people would be open to a non-monogamous relationship.

“To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you,” write the co-authors of The Ethical Slut, a now-classic guide to non-monogamy (tagged “the Poly Bible”).

Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton are the co-authors of The Ethical Slut.

When it was first published more than 25 years ago, shattered social norms and stigma around non-traditional relationship styles. Now in its third edition, revised to address cultural changes like gender diversity and new technological innovations (like dating apps), it’s sold over 200,000 copies since its first publication in 1997.

As a non-monogamous practitioner myself, I welcome literature that aims to destigmatise relationships that sit outside monogamy.

Sexual educator Janet W. Hardy and psychotherapist Dossie Easton, two self-described queer, polyamorous “ethical sluts” – friends, lovers and frequent collaborators – bring readers into their world of multiple partners and multiple kinds of sex. It encourages them to think about their own desires, and how they might be achieved in ethical ways.

Easton decided against monogamy after leaving a traumatic relationship, with a newborn daughter, in 1969. She taught her first class in “unlearning jealousy” in 1973. Hardy left a 13-year marriage in 1988, after realising she was no longer interested in monogamy. The pair met in 1992, through a San Francisco BDSM group.

Two years later, sick in bed, Hardy stumbled on the film Indecent Proposal, where a marriage crumbles after millionaire Robert Redford offers a madly-in-love (but struggling with money) married couple, played by Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore, a million dollars for one night with Demi.

“A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me,” Hardy told Rolling Stone. “I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.” And so she reached out to Easton to propose they collaborate on a book on non-monogamy.

The Ethical Slut is a significant guide to navigating sexual freedom, open relationships and polyamory – responsibly and thoughtfully. It’s aimed at readers exploring non-monogamy, or supporting loved ones to do so.

What is The Ethical Slut?

The book is divided into four parts, each offering mental exercises to help readers embrace a sexually diverse lifestyle. It aims to support those interested in exploring non-monogamous relationships, free from stigma or shame.

The first part offers an overview of non-monogamy. An ethical slut approaches their relationships with communication and care for their partner(s), whether casual or committed, while staying true to their desires.

In the second part, the authors urge readers to break free from the “starvation economy” mindset, which conditions us to think love and intimacy are scarce resources. This is what leads to fear and possessiveness in dating, sex and relationships, they explain.

In part three, readers learn how to handle jealousy and insecurity, while managing conflicts effectively.

Finally, the authors cover various non-monogamous sexual practices. There are tips for navigating swinging and open relationships as a single person, group sex (orgies), and advice on asking for what you want in a sexual encounter.

‘Everything’s out on a big buffet’

The Ethical Slut’s appeal lies in its ability to help people shift their mindset about monogamy, in a society where other forms of relationships have often been deemed immoral. (Though this is changing.)

Co-author Hardy told the Guardian in 2018:

What I’m seeing among young people is that they don’t have the same need to self-define by what they like to do in bed, or in relationships, like my generation did. Everything’s out on a big buffet, and they try a little of everything.

Ezra Miller has talked about his ‘polycule’.

Five years later, in 2023, many celebrities openly identify as polyamorous. Ezra Miller has talked about his “polycule” (a network of people in non-monogamous relationships with one another), musician Yungblud has called himself polyamorous, and Shailene Woodley has been in and out of open relationships.

Books like Neil Strauss’s The Game (2005) view sex and relationships as ongoing competitions, requiring varied strategies to effectively land a partner. Instead, The Ethical Slut encourages developing genuine, consensual connections through communication and honesty. Relationships are seen as fluid and open to change, with endings viewed as opportunities for growth and development, not failures.

Rather than teach readers to mimic a social norm that will “win” them sex or relationships, The Ethical Slut pushes readers to think beyond what is “normal”.

Dating apps like Feeld, PolyFinda and OkCupid enable individuals to link profiles with their partners, promoting transparency and openness about their relationship status and desire for diverse sexual experiences.

And more books with varied and nuanced takes on non-monogamy have emerged since 1997, such as More than Two, Opening Up and Many Love.

A utopian mirage?

There’s much to appreciate in the messages The Ethical Slut conveys. However, it’s framed with a utopia in mind – one that doesn’t quite exist.

A key aspect of this book is challenging the starvation economy that influences monogamous relationships. In an ideal world, breaking free from this mindset about love and intimacy seems like paradise. The idea of loving more than one person is beautiful, connected and certainly achievable. But it’s also a significant challenge.

For many, longing for love and connection is not just a concept but a real, lived experience. Withholding affection in relationships can be emotionally abusive and manipulative. It’s essential to recognise non-monogamous people may still be susceptible to – or even perpetuate – these behaviours.

The authors present themselves as spiritually and morally enlightened in their non-monogamous choices and their sexual practices. Monogamy is framed as a negative byproduct of a regressive culture, rather than a genuine choice in its own right. Substance use is severely frowned on, echoing longstanding taboos around the use of drugs in sexual play.

The Ethical Slut frames monogamy as ‘a negative byproduct of a regressive culture’, rather than a choice.

The Ethical Slut makes universal assumptions about people’s experiences without considering broader social and personal influences. For instance, the section on flirting assumes a global understanding on what constitutes flirting cues between people. It lacks cultural, gendered and neurodiversity awareness.

Rejecting sex is not always easy

The authors assert “being asked [for sex], even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you”. Yet a simple “Thank you, I am not interested” is not always easy.

Research has shown women need to find ways to gently reject cisgender, heterosexual men to avoid violence (like “I have a boyfriend/husband”). And many men often do not take no as an answer. Thanking men for compliments can also lead to further hostility and aggression.

The authors advocate for women to say yes more, assuming women only say no due to shame and stigma. But the real fear of experiencing violence is a major deterrent. For example, recent research in the UK on recreational sex clubs has found that cisgender, heterosexual men may show sexual interest in trans women, only to immediately become violent with them.

These assumptions are echoed in discussions about barrier methods, sexual health testing, birth control and abortion options. The Ethical Slut assumes everyone has equitable access to sexual health education, and reproductive health services and products.

Yet the overturn of Roe vs Wade in the US has shown this is not the case. People who experience menstruation and pregnancy are increasingly losing – or never had – those reproductive freedoms.

Emotions are ‘choices’

The book envisions an idealised world where emotion and logic unite to challenge social constructs of monogamy, possessiveness and control. It’s underpinned by a belief our emotions (including jealousy) are choices we make about life events.

In The Ethical Slut, jealousy is solely attributed to the person experiencing it, overlooking its complexity in various contexts. Jealousy can be a sign of insecurity, grief or relationship issues, among other things.

Managing jealousy is presented as something an individual needs to address on their own. The book lacks guidance for dealing with partners who might contribute to jealousy by not fulfilling emotional needs, breaking boundaries, failing to communicating effectively, or purposely trying to evoke the feeling.

The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion, ignoring the role of the non-jealous partner. Suggested responses, like “I’m sorry you feel that way, I have to go on my date now”, reaffirm this mindset.

Jealous partners are advised to write journal entries, practice mindfulness or go on a walk to deal with their emotion. In a book about sex that is fundamentally about relations with others, jealousy becomes lost in the hyperfocus on the individual.

The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion.
< The book’s explanation that emotions like jealousy are normal and natural, may emerge unexpectedly and should not be shamed, contradicts the idea that emotions are choices. People don’t necessarily choose to feel grief, anxiety, insecurity or sadness. Intellectualising emotions as conscious choices does more harm than good.

The book also praises compersion, the act of feeling joy at your partner’s happiness – even with other partners – as a positive experience, possible when a partner feels secure. “A lot of us experience jealousy that we don’t want, so compersion can offer a pathway to a better place,” says Easton. Yet the book provides little guidance in how this can be achieved.

Compersion can also be weaponised against those who experience insecurities, with statements like “if you were really poly/non-monogamous, you’d feel compersion for me”. Some have suggested compersion should be seen as a bonus, not a requirement, in non-monogamy.

‘A too-perfect picture’

Non-monogamists may face challenging conversations about emotional needs. The book’s advice assumes a certain level of emotional intelligence, experience and good intentions. It lacks guidance on dealing with emotionally unintelligent partners, malicious intentions, potential abuse, or what to do when conversations go terribly awry.

While I applaud the book’s push towards destigmatising non-monogamy, it paints a too-perfect picture. The odd sense of censorship is even there in its depictions of potential challenges, which seem cherry-picked to demonstrate a sense of ease with the lifestyle.

Stories about managing jealousy come to neat and tidy endings. One example is Janet’s story about falling in love with another partner and having the discussion about it with her “primary” partner. Her primary handles the discussion well and they go on to have a fulfilling relationship. There are few genuinely negative examples.

As a result, The Ethical Slut feels like it’s working to hide any potential downfalls to embracing a non-monogamous lifestyle. But providing examples of where things do not work and how people manage that could be quite useful.

Nevertheless, the book is an important introduction to non-monogamy. Perhaps it’s best used as a stepping stone for deeper exploration.

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How to know if you’re being ‘slow dumped’

— Experts are calling it downright ‘cowardly’

Slow dumping is a cowardly way to let a relationship run its course.

By Penelope Clifton

Is your long-term partner avoiding you? Are they emotionally detached? Is the spark fizzling? We’ve all been there and now there’s a name for it – slow dumping.

There’s nothing quite like the lust you feel at the start of a new relationship. You want to spend every waking minute with your new love, and their attentiveness can be intoxicating.

But there comes a time when things become a bit routine. While some couples grow together, mature and take the next steps as dedicated and loyal companions, others might find themselves drifting apart.

In some cases, it’s not quite as mutual, and instead, one half of the couple is consciously doing all they can to avoid the other. Instead of biting the bullet and breaking up with their significant other, they sabotage the relationship so the other will be forced to call it.

TikTok users are calling it ‘slow dumping’ and it’s one of the most brutal ways to end a relationship.

Signs of a slow dumping

  • Reduced communication
  • Avoiding quality time together
  • Emotional detachment 
  • Lack of intimacy
  • A growing sense of distance

Unlike ghosting, slow dumping or ‘fizzling’ is exclusive to established relationships.

“It’s a passive and cowardly way of ending a relationship that can be very hurtful for the receiver,” Nia Williams, a dating coach, told Metro.

While yes, it can be a natural culmination when a relationship is nearing its expiry date, if the person on the receiving end is still blissfully in love with their other half, it’s a knife straight to the heart.

At the other end of the spectrum, Williams said it could be an effect of the slow dumper’s mental health. “[It can] also be symptomatic of personal stress, anxiety, depression, or other issues in the relationship that need addressing,” she said.

Moe Ari Brown, Hinge’s love and connection expert, told The Mirrorsuch behaviour can be detrimental to the person on the receiving end.

“Slowly phasing someone out without offering an explanation can trigger feelings of unworthiness, confusion and self-doubt,” Brown explained. “If you’re not feeling the connection, remember there’s another human being on the other side of that screen – and they deserve closure.”

Rhian Kivits, a therapist, agreed. “The human mind has a negative bias which means we often assume the worst in situations where we have no clear answers.

“With dating fizzling you may be left telling yourself that it must have happened because you weren’t attractive enough, sexy enough or entertaining enough for the other person.”

She said the partner’s shady behaviour can make you “ruminate on your perceived flaws.”

More Coverage

So what can you do if you feel like you’re being slow dumped? Williams said it’s all about communication.

“It’s crucial to initiate an open and honest conversation.” Just don’t jump to any conclusions before hearing them out. Express your concerns and feelings and seek clarity about the state of the relationship.”

If they accuse you of making a mountain out of a molehill, and things don’t change, then you might actually be on to something. Then, the only decision that’s left to make is whether you want to be in the kind of relationship where honesty and kindness are lower priorities than avoidance.

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I’m a Sex Coach in a Monogamish Relationship

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

By Quean Mo

Even if you know wholeheartedly that you want to be non-monogamous, actually engaging in that relationship structure can elicit a variety of complex emotions. At the same time that you feel desire, you might also feel fear and jealousy—and I’ve experienced this firsthand, as both a person in a monogamish relationship (a form of non-monogamy that allows for agreed-upon sex acts outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship) and a sex coach who works with clients looking to navigate the complexities of such relationships.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

  • What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
  • Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
  • What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
  • What role would each of us play?
  • What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

  1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
  2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
  3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

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Why Some Straight Men Sleep With Other Men

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Sexual identities and sexual behaviors don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognize sexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostly straight.”

Fewer people know that some men and women have same-sex encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians, or bisexuals.

When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.

In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between identity and behavior, and researchers from around the world – in the United States, Australia, and the U.K. – have studied this topic.

It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.

Skirting around cheating

As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?

My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.

Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”

These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.

'Mostly Straight' Guy Falls for Roommate During Quarantine

Identities reflect sexual and nonsexual aspects of life

In order to answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:

“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”

The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives.

Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming, explained: “I would say straight because that best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.

It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexuality is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.

Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviors shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships, and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Sexual encounters with men simply do not affect how they perceive their identity.

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What Is Considered Cheating In A Relationship?

— The 4 Types + Examples

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Cheating is a painful specter that, when experienced, can loom large over a person’s heart for many years. But what exactly is considered cheating? And what should you do if you find yourself in the unenviable situation of discovering that your partner has been unfaithful?

What counts as cheating?

The thing about cheating is that there’s no simple list of behaviors that can be flagged as definitely “cheating” or “not cheating.” Ultimately it comes down to the people in the relationship to define for themselves (in collaboration with each other!) what acts are off limits within the bounds of their bond.

Relationship therapist Jeanae M. Hopgood, LMFT, M.Ed., PMH-C, explains it as such: “Cheating is pretty subjective and can be anything from flirting with someone who isn’t your partner, to full-out sexual acts with another person. Cheating is really anything that violates the boundaries of your romantic relationship and results in a breach of trust between its members.”

If you even need to think, “Would my spouse/partner be OK with this behavior?” then this is a pretty good indication that you might be nearing the cheating zone. In the end, the only people who can know if you cheated or not are you and your partner(s). Together as a unit, it’s you who set the rules and promise to live by them.

1. Physical cheating

Physical cheating is the kind that most people immediately think of and assume cheating to be. It’s quite simply the physical intimacy that you’re not supposed to share with someone else if you have a monogamous relationship. (And notably, even people in polyamorous arrangements can cheat and be cheated on if one or more parties engages in behavior that goes against the rules they may have set for themselves.) While it can range in severity, physical cheating is all about using your body to cross a line.

Examples:

  • Making out with someone at the club
  • Having sex with someone while out of town
  • Dancing sexily with someone

2. Emotional cheating

Emotional cheating is where things can start to feel a bit blurry. When you emotionally cheat on your partner, you share intimate details and everyday closeness with someone outside of your relationship. To emotionally cheat is to tell yourself lies like “We haven’t even kissed, so nothing’s happened that I should feel ashamed of” or “We’re just friends!”

To be clear, a true friendship is not an example of emotional cheating. You need and deserve emotional closeness with people outside of your romantic partnership. The problem is when you imbue said friendships with secrecy and frissons of sexual or romantic excitement. The problem is telling your partner that “Linda” is “just a work friend,” while you’re telling her all your hopes, dreams, and desires (that you don’t share with your partner).

“An emotional cheater is someone who channels their emotional energy, time, and attention to someone outside of the relationship. As a result, they spend less time with their partners, leading to feelings of neglect,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D.

Examples:

  • Closing off from your partner emotionally and finding solace in someone else
  • Writing long romantic/sexual letters to someone else
  • Having deep phone calls with someone else about everything you think and feel—without your partner’s knowledge and permission
  • Keeping your relationship with a certain person secret from your partner because you’re worried what your partner will think
  • Acting like a couple with someone else, just minus the sex

3. Digital cheating

Digital cheating, or online cheating, has obviously exploded over the last 15 years or so, as dating apps and social media have become an entrenched part of our lives. Online cheating doesn’t have to lead to IRL meetups to count as cheating; it’s still infidelity if it involves secret romantically or erotically charged interactions with people outside the relationship, says couples’ and sex therapist Kyle Zrenchik, Ph.D., ACS, LMFT.

When people cheat using the internet, they might become secretive about their phones or laptops or develop new habits such as spending a lot of time glued to their phone.

Examples:

  • Maintaining a secret Tinder profile where you pretend to be single
  • Sending flirty messages to someone you follow on Twitter, Instagram, etc.
  • Sending and soliciting nudes
  • Oversharing emotional information that you’re not telling your partner to someone else via email, without your partner’s knowledge or consent

4. Micro-cheating

Micro-cheating refers to all those little behaviors that you know would upset your partner or spouse but that aren’t immediately apparent as capital “C” cheating. Micro-cheating is about slowly pushing at and breaking down the integrity of your relationship by intentionally choosing to engage in acts that undermine the trust of your partner(s). “Micro-cheaters often don’t want to compromise their current partners but choose to stay in the game without committing to a third-party relationship,” says Moore.

Examples:

  • Trying to cultivate or create intimate energy and vibes with people who aren’t your partner
  • Hitting up your ex “just to catch up” but seeking emotional intimacy
  • Leaning into crushes instead of away from them
  • Repeatedly fantasizing about someone who isn’t your partner in a way that takes you away from being present

Creating boundaries in your relationship.

Importantly, not every single behavior listed above will count as cheating in every single relationship. Everyone has a different definition of cheating, and it’s on the partners themselves to establish what is and isn’t OK for them. Making sure that these boundaries are established early on is key to the later success of the relationship.

“Infidelity is one of the most cited reasons partners give for getting a divorce,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, CST, LCSW-R, of the Center for Love and Sex. “I think that people initially don’t even ask themselves what situations they feel might be tempting to them and feel confident enough to discuss this with a partner as well.”

Try to be truly honest with yourself and your partner(s) when you set up the terms of your relationship. If you know that you’re a flirty person, be upfront about that; don’t try to squash it down. It will only bite you in the behind later. If your partner has insight into your behavior, they are more likely to be able to come to terms with it. Together you can think of a compromise that honors both of/all of you.

“It’s important that each person only agrees to boundaries that they actually believe in,” Zrenchik adds. “If you feel like pornography is not cheating but your partner does (or vice versa), it’s important not to simply agree just to move the conversation along. Talk it out as long as it needs to be discussed until you both arrive at an agreeable consensus (like, perhaps, movies and clips are OK but camming with a live person is not).”

How to deal with infidelity in a relationship.

For the person who has been cheated on:

If you find yourself confronting the fact that your partner has cheated, it’s important to not make any rash decisions, says Zrenchik. Instead, take time to process what’s happened and what you want to do moving forward. Cooper emphasizes the importance of finding professional help from an individual therapist “to explore whether you want to work on this relationship. It’s totally normal to feel ambivalent about staying and leaving in the first stage post-discovery.”

One of the hardest things to deal with when discovering your partner’s betrayal is a lost sense of trust for all future partners. Whether you decide to stay or go, getting a trusted friend or therapist whom you can pour your heart out to or joining a support group is so important as you go through your own mourning process, Cooper says.

And there are ways to work on rebuilding the relationship if you choose, Zrenchik notes. “If desired, work on reestablishing commitment, trust, and respect with the other person, finding small things to do together, and allowing for hurt and pain to be present,” Zrenchik suggests.

It”s really important to take things slowly. Mourning isn’t some curriculum that should take a certain amount of time. The feelings will come in waves. Try not to be harsh with yourself if you reach out to your partner for sex, for solace, or for comfort, while at other times you regard them as awful. Your body and mind are going through a lot, says Cooper, so have compassion for yourself.

And as a last note, Cooper recommends that you get an STI test to check your sexual health status in case you have been exposed. Even if your partner says it’s not necessary, it can be good for your peace of mind.

For the person who has cheated:

It’s imperative that you take responsibility and accountability if you’re the one who has cheated. The pain that you have caused your partner can be immeasurable, but telling the truth can help to soften the blow.

“There is a dramatic difference with how painful infidelity is when the hurt partner finds out from the cheating partner compared to when they find out by discovering it themselves,” advises Zrenchik. “People discover infidelity in very unexpected ways. If you have cheated, it is typically best to come clean and address the issue.”

Facing up to the cheating can be a chance to dramatically improve your relationship together, but this will only happen if you are open, honest, sincere, brave, and accountable, he says. You will need to be extra sensitive to your partner’s needs at this time.

You should also look into getting individual therapy to figure out why you felt compelled to betray your partner’s trust and how it can be avoided in the future. (Here are some reasons people cheat that aren’t what you might think.)

For both/all of you:

Enter therapy together with a therapist who specializes in sex and relationships. “A licensed therapist is your neutral party in the discussions, and they’ll help you and your partner recognize and process unmet needs in the relationship,” says Moore.

After couples’ therapy, couples will have a deeper understanding of what happened, have compassion for each other, and find effective ways to solve problems and move forward.

The takeaway.

“After a cheating incident, your relationship will have to change,” says Moore. “I often tell my clients to forget their first relationship and instead think that they’re starting a brand-new one. And in this new relationship, you must put in the same work and effort to care for and learn about each other.”

If cheating has been a pattern, then the cycle needs to be broken. Either way, you must begin to invest in healthy and honest communication and reconnect with why you wanted to be together in the beginning.

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Are we destined for multiple loves?

Millennials think we are

Jemima Kirke, Sasha Lane, Alison Oliver, and Joe Alwyn in the TV adaptation of Conversations with Friends.

“Is it possible we could develop an alternative model of loving each other?” This is the question posed by the character Bobbi in Sally Rooney’s debut novel Conversations with Friends, and is a core tenet of the story. Spoken by a 21-year-old, are these words merely youthful idealism?

By Lauren Ironmonger

Conversations with Friends follows university students Bobbi and Frances, whose lives become entangled with those of a wealthy couple in their 30s, Melissa and Nick. Similar to Rooney’s Normal People, it’s set in Dublin but rather than an intense love story, Conversations with Friends depicts monogamy (and the prospect of marriage) as rather bleak. Melissa and Nick sleep in separate beds and have both had affairs. The affair Nick has with Frances, the core plot line, seems to reinvigorate their marriage and they return to monogamous life. The farce is that the success of their “monogamous” relationship hinges precisely on the relationships that exist outside of it.

Now, the novel has been adapted for television as a limited series on Amazon Prime, starring Alison Oliver, Sasha Lane, Jemima Kirke, and Joe Alwyn.

In an interview with The Telegraph London, Kirke spoke of the cognitive shift the role required her to make. “It’s remarkable that someone of that age [Rooney] has so much discipline and focus, but as I was finally reading the book, I was thinking, ‘This is marriage written from the perspective of a 22-year-old.’ I don’t think that’s good or bad. Her writing is beautiful but there were moments when I struggled to make something work.”

Kirke, 37, is no stranger to married life and its potential to fail after splitting with her husband of eight years in 2017. And while she’s not opposed to marriage, she does take a more carefree approach to it. “The perspective of marriage as something super-permanent and spiritual is really antiquated.”

Jennifer Pinkerton spoke to more than 100 Australians aged under 40 for her book Heartland: What is the future of modern love? She says that the decline in people getting married is not a phenomenon that’s just relegated to Millennials and Gen Z. “Globally, marriage has been a downward travelling trend for 50 years now. When we speak about fewer people getting married, it’s not just the younger generations.” (The only exception to this, she notes, is gay marriage).

Certainly, however, this downward trend has accelerated in the past decade. In 2020, 78,989 marriages were registered in Australia, a 30.6 per cent decrease from 2019, and the largest annual drop ever reported by the ABS since 1961. Obviously COVID-19 has played a role but there are other key trends too. Pinkerton suggests that a high divorce rate means young people, seeing their parents getting divorced, have grown disillusioned with marriage. Global instability is another big one. “Climate change and war mean that the future is less certain,” says Georgia Grace, a Sydney-based sex and relationship therapist. She adds that the sex positive movement means that acceptance for different relationship models is changing.

Nina Lee, 32, is part of this declining group. A Sydney-based hairdresser and owner of Extra Silky, she married her long-term partner Aedan Lee during lockdown last year. While the couple isn’t religious and didn’t face familial pressure, marrying was just something they both knew would happen. “It felt like a natural progression”, she says, adding that it was about “solidifying our love.”

Alice, 22 (who is using a pseudonym for privacy reasons) lives in Sydney, and has been in a monogamous relationship for three-and-a-half years. Both are bisexual, and her partner identifies as non-binary. “Love is a choice to be together”, she says. “I can’t imagine anything less romantic than having a legal document officiate my relationship.”

For Millennials, there can be certain dealbreakers in finding love. Harriet, 34, has never wanted children. “Even when I was a little girl, I never played house with dolls – if anything I would play ‘dog mummy and daddy’.” Harriet’s last serious relationship ended after seven years. In her early 20s, the question of kids wasn’t such a concern. Now, it can make dating a little more complicated. “I make sure to talk kids and politics on the first or second date.”

Are rigid constraints of marriage a thing of the past? “Younger generations are now more likely to crave fulfillment, connection and flexibility rather than permanence in relationships,” says Pinkerton.

Polyamory, then, is a natural result of this shift in values. Georgia Grace says that she is increasingly working with people interested in exploring this. While popular perception of polyamory is that it’s just about promiscuity, there’s no singular model for what it can look like. “I work with couples to create a relationship structure that works for them,” she says. “Non-violent communication, consent and having a network of supportive, sex positive friends and family are at its core.”

In Melbourne, Emil, 29, works supporting people living with HIV, and is also a sex worker. They document encounters with clients and lovers on Instagram, posting polaroids of men alongside captions about the intimacy of the meeting.

The overwhelming majority of clients are straight men. Their reasons for visiting are myriad – for many, it’s a means to be a version of themselves outside of monogamous, heterosexual love, for others it’s a way of indulging a fetish or sheer curiosity. One quote accompanies an Instagram story picturing a man’s chest: “I hope you understand how hard this is for me. I always have my religion at the back of my head.”

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Let’s Talk About Emotional Cheating in Queer Relationships

“As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something… then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Within the queer community, we like to joke that the straights are not okay. But if they can’t handle West End Caleb, the guy who went viral for “love bombing” New York City women with Spotify playlists before ghosting, how could they handle navigating emotional cheating within a polyamorous queer triad? Has a straight person ever needed to identify one’s bisexual identity, in terms of both romantic and sexual attraction, when pinpointing what constitutes emotional cheating? I once watched an ex have her out-of-town ex-turned-best-friend (it’s confusing, I know) platonically stay with her, in her bed, during Valentine’s Day weekend, then accuse me of being emotionally unavailable.

The straights are just fine, with a few notable but vocal exceptions. But the LGBTQ+ crowd needs to discuss emotional cheating — especially after the lonely lockdown and isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic.

While having an ex sleep over, even if you don’t have sex, might be too much for my Scorpio heart, my Gemini friend Zachary Zane, a bisexual activist and Lovehoney sex and relationship columnist, would probably call me a prude. “Since queer people exist outside of traditional, heteronormative constructs, we’ve had to create and define our own relationships,” Zane tells Logo. “Queer people understand that a multitude of relationship types exist between a platonic friend and romantic and sexual partner. You can deeply love your best friend. You can sleep with your best friend periodically. You can be polyamorous and have casual sex partners, platonic life partners, and romantic partners. The options really are endless.”

I asked Zane if he’s ever felt emotionally cheated on. “LOL — no one cheats on me. All my partners are obsessed, and it’s hella annoying.” Geminis.

From a heteronormative, monogamous perspective, it’s probably hard to understand how emotional cheating could even happen to a queer person in a poly relationship. After all, doesn’t polyamory translate to “many loves?” It does, but the whole “ethical” part in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) necessitates communication to ensure that boundaries are respected.

“Emotional cheating can occur in ENM when expectations are not communicated properly,” Zane explains. “As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something, lying to your partner about something you’re doing or feeling towards someone else, then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

Of course, not every queer person is in an open relationship, and it’s rude to assume so. But it is true that queer people — many of whom couldn’t even marry their long-term partners until recently — tend to find new and chosen families. “These relationships are frequently emotionally close and, for some folks, can at times seem to blur lines of what is strictly friendship and what may cross into something different or more,” says Dr. Laura Obert, a licensed psychologist and LGBTQ+ coach. “For those who have a primary committed relationship, this may lay the groundwork for emotional cheating being inadvertently more accessible if the relational boundaries are not clear.”

Bisexual “Sober Sexpert” Tawny Lara notes that while it is important to establish boundaries to prevent emotional cheating, in her experience, it’s also crucial to remember that one person cannot fulfill all of your needs, even if you are monogamous. “It’s important to have strong friendships outside of your partner(s). Expecting one person to satiate your every desire is unrealistic. It’s also important to discern healthy, external friendships from what you know in your gut to be emotional infidelity. And that’s a line that only you can draw for yourself.”

Lara says she has emotionally cheated in the past to satisfy a romantic void which she wasn’t getting at home. “On The Office, I see Jim and Pam’s relationship while she was with Roy as emotional infidelity. She confided in Jim, cried to Jim, had an intimate connection with Jim for years before they finally kissed, and she left her fiancé.” Not only can Lara pull fantastic pop culture references out of thin air, but she has been on both sides of the emotional-cheating equation. Lara found out that a former partner was texting his ex for weeks, including during a surprise birthday party she threw for him.

“I saw the ‘I miss you too’ texts pop up on his phone and was completely devastated,” she remembers. “It’s hard to compare that pain to the pain felt from a physical affair, but I definitely think there’s a difference between having a long-term emotional connection with someone versus a one-time fling. They can both cause pain, but an emotional affair has a particular sting to it.”

During the isolation of lockdown, physical cheating became more high-stakes than ever. While emotional pain and STIs are always risks, now you could get the potentially fatal COVID-19 virus from kissing. Unless you live with your partner, you likely couldn’t even regularly have sex with them.

While we couldn’t go to bars or sex clubs, we certainly could spend time on social media — perhaps too much time. Who didn’t end up at least chatting up an ex after sliding into their DMs one lonely night to make sure they were still alive? “It would make perfect sense that people reached out virtually and emotionally to find a sense of connection and meaning in a world that seemed to have gone sideways,” says Shut Up and Listen to Yourself author and LGBTQ+ therapist Dr. Joshua Estrin. Does this count as emotional cheating? Maybe, or maybe it would be par for the course in your queer friend group. We are pretty good at staying friends with our exes, after all. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide what kind of digital communication with current or former paramours is or isn’t permissible.

There’s truth to some stereotypes. Yes, some queer relationships between two women can provide more emotional availability than what your average straight girl is used to receiving from the West Elm Calebs of the world. And sure, some queer men are probably better at handling jealousy than the presumably cis, straight girls West Elm Caleb attracts.

Being part of the LGBTQ+ rainbow is fabulous, but lines can get blurry with all of those colors. Like everything, defining and identifying emotional cheating within a queer relationship requires communication and boundaries. You’ll hurt yourself and others without boundaries, whether it’s the fallout after your secret Zoom dates with an ex during the pandemic inevitably explode, or after you end up telling your boss things your partner doesn’t even know. Boundaries are essential, which is why I’m proud of my aforementioned ex for blocking me even though we ended on rough terms.

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How women and men forgive infidelity

Researchers report if one partner feels their relationship is threatened by cheating, it is harder for them to forgive infidelity, regardless of gender.

If you willingly have sex with another person, it pretty much doesn’t matter whether you feel it’s your fault.

Summary: Males and females view physical and emotional cheating differently. Women consider emotional affairs to be more serious, and men believe physical infidelity to be more serious generally. Researchers report if one partner feels their relationship is threatened by cheating, it is harder for them to forgive infidelity, regardless of gender.

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons that heterosexual couples break up. Researchers who have studied 160 different cultures find this to be true worldwide.

However, men and women look at different types of infidelity differently.

Men usually regard physical infidelity – when the partner has sex with another person – more seriously than women do.

Women regard emotional infidelity – when the partner initiates a close relationship with another person – as more serious.

Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

“We’re surprised that the differences between the sexes weren’t greater. The mechanisms underlying forgiveness are more or less identical between genders,” says Professor Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology’s (NTNU) Department of Psychology.

He has co-authored a new article in the Journal of Relationships Research. The article addresses infidelity and the mechanisms behind forgiveness.

A research group at NTNU recruited 92 couples for the study. These couples independently completed a questionnaire related to issues described in hypothetical scenarios where the partner had been unfaithful in various ways.

One scenario describes the partner having sex with another person, but not falling in love.

In the other scenario, the partner falls in love with another person, but does not have sex.

So how willing are people to forgive their partner? It turns out that men and women both process their partner’s infidelity almost identically.

Most people, regardless of gender and the type of infidelity, think it unlikely that they would forgive their partner’s infidelity.

“Whether or not the couple breaks up depends primarily on how threatening to the relationship they perceive the infidelity to be,” says first author Trond Viggo Grøntvedt, a postdoctoral fellow in the Department of Psychology.

The more threatening the infidelity feels, the worse it is for the relationship.

Whether partners believe the relationship can continue also depends on how willing they are to forgive each other, especially in terms of avoiding distancing themselves from their partner.

This shows a couple with their backs to one another
Despite experiencing the different types of infidelity differently, men and women are about equally willing to forgive their partner. And the new findings show that the degree of forgiveness is not related to the type of infidelity.

Of course, great individual differences exist, even within each gender. People react differently to infidelity, according to their personality and the circumstances.

“A lot of people might think that couples who have a strong relationship would be better able to tolerate infidelity, but that wasn’t indicated in our study,” says Professor Mons Bendixen at NTNU’s Department of Psychology.

Another aspect plays a role in cases of emotional infidelity, where no sex has taken place. To what extent can the unfaithful partner be blamed for what happened?

If you willingly have sex with another person, it pretty much doesn’t matter whether you feel it’s your fault.

“The degree of blame attributed to the partner was linked to the willingness to forgive,” says Bendixen.

The relationship is at greater risk if the partner is required to bear a big part of the responsibility for ending up in an intimate relationship with someone else.

“The blame factor doesn’t come into play when the partner is physically unfaithful,” Grøntvedt says.

If you voluntarily have sex with someone other than your partner, it’s more or less irrelevant whether you think it was mostly your fault or not. Possible forgiveness does not depend on accepting blame.

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