Author: Richard Wagner

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The five stages of a relationship

— And how they affect your love life

There’s a lot that comes after the honeymoon stage

By Holly Berckelman

Did you know there are five stages in long-term relationships? Sex and relationship therapist Georgia Grace helps decode this viral theory.

There comes a point in every relationship where you run into the hard stuff.

Slowly, you’re not sitting on cloud nine anymore and reality sets in. The dumb way they brush their teeth and their 100-decibel snores in your ear every night becomes less of an endearing quirk and more of a fully-fledged annoyance.

At the same time, how they smile when they sleep and dance in the shower makes you fall a little bit more in love with them every day.

The relationship is growing up, and with it, the rewards and challenges do too. Then all of a sudden you move into another phase, and things change again.

As it turns out, relationships don’t consist of just a honeymoon period, and ‘the rest’. In fact, while they morph and adapt constantly, they actually consist of several distinct phases, – and the key to relationship success is understanding them all.

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In a recent video posted on TikTok, creator @hannahgetshired says “Can we normalise wanting to break up with your partner in a long-term relationship?”, before referencing a now-viral theory called the five stages of relationships theory.

While ideally, it’d be great if most of us didn’t want to dump our partners in long-term relationships, according to the theory, which is heavily informed by Knapp’s Relationship Development Model and work by the Relationship Institute, each phase consists of its own individual rewards and challenges, which can lead to couples questioning whether they’re right for each other.

“I think it’s really useful for people to see this framework to understand that it is really common for a relationship and a dynamic within a relationship to change,” says sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace, who uses the model when working with couples or individuals in a relationship.

And change they will. So, here’s what to expect.

The five stages of every long-term relationship

#1 Honeymoon phase

Length: Six months to one year

Ah the sweet, sweet honeymoon phase. We all know it, we all wish it lasted forever. This is the phase people often look back on as their relationship grows up – it’s all love, all the time.

“Romance, roses and rainbows – a time of intense love and attraction,” says Grace. “In the Honeymoon Stage we experience an intense surge of affection for our partner.”

“Biochemical changes in our body ignite a state of infatuation – dopamine and oxytocin peak to form a new bond.”

However, in the honeymoon phase, it’s also easy to overlook the tiny kinks and bits of friction in the relationship. And by definition, it lacks the depth that comes with longer-term relationships, relying instead on the rush of emotion and obsession over the long-lasting connection that is still to come.

#2 Uncertainty

Length: Six months to two years

When the dizzying heights of new love start to wear off, that’s when uncertainty and questioning set in.

“One of the more challenging phases is Uncertainty,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “Reality is setting in and you’re no longer experiencing the relationship when it’s free from concern, but you are actually starting to ask questions like, ‘Are we a good match?’”

These questions can be scary because it’s the first time you start to question whether a relationship can actually last, or if it’s more of a fleeting romance. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Pushing through Uncertainty is how the foundations for longevity and a strong relationship are built, which means the best is still to come.

#3 Adjustment

Length: After two years

Adjustment is when the real work in long-term relationships begins.

“In Adjustment you really start to recognise how you might be not compatible and this is where conflict often arises,’ Grace tells Body+Soul.

“We’ve seen our partner’s flaws and recognised our incompatibilities. Now we work to overcome these challenges in times of conflict.”

To make it through this phase you need communication in spades, a willingness to work through issues, and the toolkit to do so.

Grace assists her clients with developing “conflict management or conflict resolution processes, so that they can move beyond this if that’s something that they want.”

But ultimately it might not be, and many couples fold because they no longer want the same thing, or they just can’t make it work.

“Some people get to that phase and then are like ‘actually we’re too different. This isn’t going to work for us, so we need to end this relationship’.”

#4 Commitment

Length: After two years

The Commitment stage marks the easing of the storm. A couple has realised their differences, and probably had disagreements about them, but they’re coming out the other side, committing to try despite their small incompatibilities.

Grace says this is a time when couples examine their expectations of the other, and ultimately decide “whether to stay – or go.”

#5 Acceptance

Length: Five years plus

Acceptance is almost like the grown-up version of the honeymoon. The relationship isn’t marked by infatuation or obsession, but by stability, togetherness and boundaries. In healthy relationships, there’s a level of comfort that can be just as enthralling as new love, because you’ve found a person who is seemingly also in it for the long run – and what’s better than that?

Rinse and repeat

This theory is cyclical, and for very long-term relationships, they may get to the ‘end’ of the circle in Acceptance and then find themselves right back in the Honeymoon phase, before moving back through the process all over again.

Other factors can also come in and shake things up too. Grace tells Body+Soul, “Maybe you’ve had kids together or there’s been infidelity, or you’re working through something, or it’s just the natural cycle of a relationship, and you’ve got to that final stage of Acceptance and this long-term love. But then the novelty and excitement has gone out of the relationship.” This situation could move couples back into a period of Uncertainty, which they will then have to work through, before hopefully finding their way back to a period of Acceptance.

But the second time around will never look like the first. “We need to allow for our partners to be able to surprise us and to change,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “[We can’t] hold them to the person that they were when we met them a few years ago.”

So, even as the relationship returns to ‘earlier’ phases, they will always look different, as the couple is constantly developing and growing up – either towards each other or apart.

How to use the theory

Just as the model is cyclical, it’s also not always linear. And similarly, having awareness of the model isn’t always enough to save you. Slipping from Acceptance back into feelings of Uncertainty can be terrifying, and often, knowing that’s what’s happening isn’t enough to pull it back out.

But while it can be a limiting model – Grace believes it “can be really validating for people to learn that any relationship will go through its changes,” which can challenge and refocus the couple as a result.

Our suggestion? Use it as a compass – to know where you might be heading, and what you can expect during that time – but not as a crystal ball, because really, you never know what’s going to happen.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Guide To Buying Condoms Because Prioritizing Your Sexual Health Is A Flex

By Frances Dean

Taking care of your sexual health pleasure is actually a huge flex, but society doesn’t make it easy to feel empowered while buying birth control. Condoms — the easiest kind of birth control to obtain and the kind with the least amount of side effects — are marketed almost exclusively to cisgender men, in everything from packaging design to description. “The products and shopping journey remains geared towards men and there is still a stigma attached to a woman buying and having her own condoms,” Cécile Gasnault, brand director at SmileMakers, explained to Cosmopolitan UK.

The market continues to grow and change, and in recent years there’s been an influx of startups and brands marketing condoms to women and femme people. However, it’s still far from the norm. So, until femme-forward condoms become ubiquitous and the patriarchy ceases to exist, you’ll likely have to make do with a pharmacy full of male-forward brands. To make the process easier, we break down everything you need to know about buying condoms so that you can be in complete control of your sexual health.

Know your options

When talking about condoms, people usually mean two different things. They are either talking about female condoms or male condoms. Female condoms are much less popular, due in part to the fact that they’ve only been around since the 1990s. A female condom is basically the opposite of a male condom. A female condom goes inside the vagina, and a male condom fits around the outside of the penis or phallic-shaped toys. Another key difference is the levels of effectiveness. Male condoms are roughly 82% effective at preventing pregnancy if used ideally, while studies have shown female condoms to be closer to 79% effective.

Condoms of both varieties, unlike many other forms of birth control, are a good option because they are highly effective and available without a prescription. Most importantly, out of all types of birth control, condoms (both male and female) are the best at preventing STDs. “Condoms act as a barrier which doesn’t allow mixing of bodily fluids and decreases exposure of one partner’s fluids from another,” Dr. Randy S. Gelow told Banner Health. “Remember, between 50% to 80% of STIs have ZERO symptoms, so even if a partner states they have no symptoms or don’t show any symptoms, this doesn’t mean that they don’t have an STI.” Some scientists even think that female condoms might be slightly more effective than their male counterparts. Translation: unless you and your partner have just been tested, use a condom.

Protect yourself

Woman with condom in pocket

There are about a million different brands of condoms out there, and it can feel a little overwhelming when you’re facing an entire aisle of them at the pharmacy. If you opt for external condoms (i.e. male condoms), experts recommend checking the ingredients of the brands before spending your money. A small percentage of people are allergic to latex. If you fall into this category, opt for lambskin or a different material. Even if you don’t have a latex allergy, some ingredients in condoms can be toxic no matter your gender, so it’s best to opt for something natural if you can.

“Chemicals, dyes, additives, sugar alcohols, preservatives, local anesthetics, spermicides, and other potentially carcinogenic ingredients are often included in standard condoms,” Sherry Ross, MD, OB-GYN, a women’s health expert, and author told Healthline. “Standard brands are not usually concerned about whether their ingredients are organic or natural.” As our bodies absorb everything we put in them, using condoms with carcinogenic ingredients can be dangerous. Don’t be nervous to try something non-name brand for the sake of safer ingredients. Organic options are just as effective as traditional brands and can be safer for you and your partner.

While condom manufacturers are unfortunately not required to list all the ingredients in their products, there are a few to look out for. Avoid condoms with nitrosamine (a known carcinogen), as well as glycerin and condoms with added spermicides — two ingredients that studies suggest do damage the vagina.

Your pleasure is paramount

The sheer variety of birth control methods can feel overwhelming, but sex isn’t supposed to feel like a chore; It’s supposed to be fun! When it comes to hitting the condom aisle, sex therapists recommend looking for two things: ribbed and lubricated. The texture of ribbed condoms (or the less common “dotted”) can provide some of the sensations that using a condom may take out of penetration. “A textured condom can stimulate the nerves that are present in the vagina better than a nontextured condom does, which may enhance pleasure,” Goody Howard, a sex educator, explained to Healthline.

Besides texture, a lubricated condom can be the difference between a great and a very uncomfortable sexual encounter. Lubrication — something the body tends to create itself — is a sign of arousal and a helpful aid for sex. However, a regular latex condom can sometimes feel too dry. To combat this, opt for a brand that factors lubrication into their product. “Any kind of condom with lubrication is always great, just because we can always use a little extra help. Why not?” said Jenni Skylar, a certified sex therapist, when speaking to Women’s Health.

A lubed condom (or adding lube when using a regular condom) makes sex feel better and safer. “If you use a condom-friendly lube (i.e., water-based lube),” Angie Rowntree, founder of a sex-positive and ethical porn site, told Mind Body Green. “It can help prevent breakage and make condom use feel more pleasurable.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does sex get better with age?

— This senior sex therapist thinks so

Older people can enjoy great sex but it starts with believing it’s possible — and communicating when you need to adapt your approach.

By Andrea Muraskin

A lot of people anticipate enjoying their golden years – but what does that look like? Time for hobbies, travel, spoiling your grandkids? What about great sex?

A study published last month in The Gerontologist looks at how well our sexual expectations match up with reality over time.

This story was adapted from the April 30 edition of NPR Health, a newsletter covering the science of healthy living. To get more stories like this delivered to your in-box, click here to subscribe.

As part of the MIDUS (Midlife in the US) study, hundreds of partnered adults ages 45 and up were asked to rate how satisfying they expected their sex lives to be 10 years in the future. Researchers then checked in with the participants a decade later.

Their findings seem to demonstrate the power of positive thinking.

Participants who were optimistic about their sex lives reported having significantly more frequent and more satisfying sex than those who had lower expectations. Also, “sexually optimistic” individuals who acquired physical limitations they didn’t have ten years before – such as pain that made it harder to lift groceries or exercise – reported having more frequent sex than people who had lower sexual expectations and no such limitations.

Natalie Wilton, a therapist who specializes in senior sexuality, says it’s no surprise that people feel pessimistic about sex as they age.

“As a society, we buy into a lot of those really dangerous tropes and stereotypes, which make it very difficult for older adults to feel open about talking about sex. Like that dirty old man’s stereotype, or the woman as a cougar, or even kind of infantilizing. We see two older adults and we’ll be like, oh, cute! They’re holding hands, right? Or when they do anything related to sex, we’re like, oh, that’s weird.”

She says these kinds of norms discourage discussion of healthy sexuality for older folks, which can hold them back when they may need to adapt their approach in bed.

Wilton helps clients navigate the changes in their bodies – and keep their sex lives thriving. “I’m always amazed at how people are surprised about talking about sex and older adults, like it’s always this great revelation,” she says. “If something was really good right now, why would you want it to stop?”

With some adjustments, she says, there’s no reason to leave sexual satisfaction in the past. Here’s some of her advice.

1. Slow your roll

One big piece of advice she offers is planning for more time for sex. As we age, our sexual response cycle – the time it takes to become aroused before and between sexual activity – becomes slower. Women especially may require more time and more touch beforehand to overcome a feeling of “my mind is there but my body’s not quite there yet,” Wilton says. And for people with medical conditions whose symptoms worsen at night, so she suggests moving sexual activity to the morning or afternoon.

2. Equip the bed

“Mobility is a huge issue,” when it comes to having comfortable sex, Wilton says, but today’s seniors have options. Props can help you get in a pain-free position. “There’s tons that exist on the market, benches and wedges and different kinds of things, but you can also just use the things [like pillows] that you have in your own home.” Even simply changing position can help.

A tip: assistive equipment like foam wedges marketed for sexual activity can often be found for much cheaper at medical supply retailers or on Amazon marketed as “back support.”

3. Check out the toy store, online

Sometimes great sex comes down to planning ahead. Make sure you have the supplies you need, says Wilton. “Something like lube is great for women as they get older.”

She also encourages her clients to experiment with different toys. “It is actually a really great experience to go into a sex shop, but it’s pretty cool that we can go online and look for things that, you know, maybe if we don’t feel comfortable or even live in a small town that doesn’t have great access to that kind of stuff,” she notes. Drug store chains generally carry lubricant, and many stock a few toys as well.

4. Open up to new ways of connecting

Wilton encourages clients to redefine what sex and intimacy looks like, and develop flexibility around that – try not to “get in your head about it” if something’s not working, she says. “Say your partner can’t get an erection or your partner doesn’t seem to be in the mood. It’s not getting like, ‘oh my goodness, they, they don’t wanna be with me. This is awful. We need to stop.’ ”

Instead she says, adapt and try something different. “Just snuggle instead, give each other a back massage or touch each other differently,” she suggests. “Just kind of give that time and space for things to move and flow a little bit more organically.”

5. Watch for side effects of your medications

When it comes to sex, Wilton recommends asking questions and advocating for yourself at the doctor’s office. “Things like diabetes, heart disease, Parkinson’s, the whole host of issues that we tend to see more commonly as people get older, often have either a sexual side effect based on the illness itself, or many of the medications may have some kind of side effect,” she says.

6. Expect the best

Despite challenges, Wilton says the sex you have when you’re older can be the best of your life.

“Sometimes we develop a bit more of a confidence for ourselves too when we get older. We’re like, ‘yeah, you know what? I am who I am and I like me.’ Most people, as they get a little bit older, they stop caring about some of those less important things, and I think that promotes a better sex life too.”

To learn more, Wilton recommends the books and website of senior sexuality advocate Joan Price, an advocate and educator for “ageless sexuality.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Expert Shares Why You May Be Struggling To Orgasm With Your Partner

BY Tessa Somberg

At various points in our lives, orgasms can be the ultimate bliss and the ultimate frustration. Remember that our relationships with our bodies can be fluid and changeable, and sometimes, this can change the sex we have with our partners. For many women, achieving orgasm with a partner can be a challenge — even when achieving orgasm alone, or with the assistance of something akin to a handy-dandy vibrator, comes easily. We may start to blame ourselves, our partners may start to blame themselves, and the bedroom can start to feel anxiety-provoking, rather than a relaxing space to unwind and enjoy all the pleasures our bodies can feel.

Should you be looking for solutions to easier orgasms, but you’re having trouble honing in on what could be addressed, we have some ideas for you. Women spoke exclusively with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, to better understand what barriers might need to be broken to achieve orgasm with your partner. She said, “Sex is not a performance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Take the pressure off of yourself and focus on enjoying the moment. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go as planned; it happens to the best of us.”

Put your body first

Whether you have recently been struggling to orgasm in the bedroom, or have been struggling for some time, the stress of wondering, “Am I going to orgasm this time?” could be enough to stop you from being in the moment. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Sometimes, our brains can get in the way of our bodies. If you’re too worried about whether or not you’re going to orgasm, you might end up putting too much pressure on yourself and making it harder to actually get there.” In order to combat this, remind yourself that when it comes to sex, there is no race to the finish; there is no “right” amount of time it “should” take to get to orgasm. Instead, feeling and embracing pleasure throughout the sex act is part of the experience.

Should you feel your mind racing during sex, and the anxiety over your orgasm has set in, try to redirect your thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. Remind yourself that it is okay to let go of the expectation of orgasm. Perhaps you will be surprised how far that can take you.

Prioritize quality stimulation

Remember also that, when engaging in sex with a new partner, it could simply take time to learn about each other’s bodies. And, of course, knowing your own body is key. “Masturbation can be a helpful way to learn what types of touch and stimulation feel good for you,” Dr. Aliyah Moore said, speaking exclusively with Women. “When you know what feels good for you, it can be easier to communicate that to your partner and guide them to provide the stimulation you need to reach orgasm.”

While you might feel self-conscious speaking up to your partner when you want them to do something different, keep in mind that your partner wants to please you. You can communicate before sex, or gently guide your partner through movements that feel good to you during sex as well. “Approach the issue with empathy and an open mind, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you,” Dr. Moore said. “Try to avoid blame or criticism and instead focus on finding ways to support each other and address the issue together.” Do not be afraid to tell your partner when a certain action does not feel good, either. Incorporating longer foreplay into your sexual encounters has also been shown to increase the rate of orgasm, according to a 2014 article published in Human Reproductive Biology.

Review your medications

Being on certain kinds of medications, namely antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka SSRIs, can also significantly impact one’s ease in having an orgasm. For those whose depression symptoms are significantly improving on medication, but are still having trouble in bed, there are some ways you can work around side effects that might include lack of sex drive, or difficulty reaching orgasm.

First, know that over time, the side effects of SSRIs on your libido can sometimes fade as your body adjusts to the medication. Should you have just started your treatment and feel frustrated with the changes in your sex life, do what you can to be gentle with yourself, and give the circumstances some patience. Should the issue persist, “Talk to your doctor,” Dr. Aliyah Moore suggested, speaking exclusively with Women. “If you’re experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor to rule out any underlying medical conditions or medication side effects that could be contributing to the problem. Your doctor may be able to suggest treatments or adjustments to your medication that could help,” she said. This could include anything from lowering the dose when appropriate, to switching medications to see if the issue continues.

Assess your physical health issues

A number of physical issues could also hinder your ability to orgasm in bed. One is anorgasmia. According to Mayo Clinic, “Anorgamsia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.”

There are other issues, too. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Unfortunately, certain health conditions can impact our sexual function. Diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injuries are just a few examples. But even things like hormonal imbalances or thyroid issues can play a role.”

There are also several kinds of sexual dysfunction disorders that could contribute to issues with orgasming, where symptoms could include having pain during sex, perhaps caused by ovarian cysts or fibroids, and having a lack of sexual desire or arousal. Age does tend to be a factor in many sexual dysfunction disorders, however. For any number of these concerns, see a doctor or specialist for treatment plans and ideas.

Consider the role of past trauma

ƒsubPast trauma can also be a sensitive barrier to achieving orgasm. When you have had a traumatic experience surrounding sex, reclaiming your body can be a process that necessitates care, love, attention, and trust. Survivors of sexual assault, for example, might experience self-blame, disgust, or otherwise feel disconnected from their bodies, which can make sexual experiences hard to enjoy. Some may even have flashbacks of the traumatic incident. Know that it is possible to repair your relationship with your body and with sex, even when it feels challenging. Understanding your triggers and boundaries, as well as engaging in robust communication, are just a few ideas that can help shape what you want out of your sexual experiences.

Perhaps you might simply be having issues in your relationship that make having an orgasm difficult. “If past trauma or relationship issues are impacting your ability to orgasm, working with a therapist can be helpful in addressing these issues,” said Dr. Aliyah Moore, speaking exclusively with Women. She continued, “A therapist who specializes in sexual issues can help you work through any underlying psychological factors that may be impacting your ability to reach orgasm.” And where therapy is financially unfeasible, explore sexual education resources online. The sex exploration app Ferly, for example, offers expert guides, insight, and community for a small fee each month.

In the end, Dr. Moore advised, “Be gentle with yourself and your partner: It’s important to remember that sexual function can be impacted by various factors, and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to set sexual boundaries

— Having boundaries establishes trust between partners. Here’s how to do it.

By Anna Iovine

Boundaries are the latest buzzword in the mental wellness space, but with good reason: They allow us to express what we want, and feel safer in our relationships.

That being said, setting boundaries isn’t easy — especially in the bedroom. “In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going and flexible, it can feel like we are inconveniencing people by setting clear sexual boundaries,” said queer sex therapist and expert for sex toy brand LELO, Casey Tanner.

In reality, however, setting boundaries builds trust between partners. If someone knows their boundaries will be respected, they’ll feel more confident taking risks and exploring with you, Tanner said. We asked experts like them to explain what boundaries even are, and how you can set them with your partner.

What are boundaries?

The word “boundary” gets thrown around a lot, and not always correctly. “I set a boundary for my partner,” for example, isn’t a boundary, said relationship, sex, and mental health therapist Rachel Wright. Why? “Boundaries are things that we set for ourselves that we are not available for,” she said. “‘I can’t talk tonight’ is a boundary. ‘I am not going to participate in this conversation if you’re talking to me like that’ is a boundary.”

With sexual boundaries, it’s the same thing: It’s our own preferences. Examples of sexual boundaries Wright said are: “I don’t like to be touched here,” and, “I’m not interested in anal sex.”

“Whatever the case is,” said Wright, “it has to start with ‘I.'”

Wright’s advice is to, first and foremost, figure out what these boundaries are for you. Acknowledge that they can and likely will change over time — just like our desires can change.

“You are the only person who can set your sexual boundaries,” echoed Tanner. After you communicate them to your partner(s), though, everyone involved is accountable to holding them and checking-in over time.

Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line.

One challenge people face is being unsure where their boundaries lie, they continued. Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line. “This is why it’s so important to embrace a consent practice that allows you to say ‘no’ halfway through trying something,” said Tanner. “You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

If setting sexual boundaries feels scary, Tanner recommends setting non-sexual boundaries with people you know to be supportive. Try saying “no” to an event you don’t feel like going to, for example. By practicing boundaries in a lower-stakes setting, you’ll be more prepared to advocate for yourself in sexual situations.

Contain the boundary conversation

Once you establish what your boundaries are, the next step is to share them with your partner. “A beautiful way to do that is through asking for a container,” Wright said. A container, in this instance, means a specific time and place to have an important conversation. A way to ask for that is, “I would love to have a conversation with you about sexual boundaries. When would be a good time?”

“You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

We may ambush our loved ones with these sensitive conversations and launch into them without consent, which doesn’t go over well. If someone had a bad day at work, for example, their mind will be elsewhere than what you want to talk about. This could leave you feeling rejected — but asking for a container can help this.

If such an in-person conversation is difficult for you — or you’re meeting someone for a hookup for the first time — you can discuss boundaries via text or dating app beforehand, Tanner said. Try initiating a conversation about limits and desires prior to meeting.

How to tell your partner your sexual boundaries

Once you establish a time and place (preferably private, say your living room), now you state your boundaries and have an open conversation.

Discuss any areas of your body that you prefer not to be touched, penetrated, or have contact with without a barrier (like a condom) — or at least without consent first each time, said sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer, LMFT.

Tell your partner any words or scenarios you may find uncomfortable, and ask them the same. Examples Berkheimer named are being too dominant or submissive, introducing toys, or refusing toys.

Discuss erotic possibilities that are on or off the table; read Mashable’s guide for discussing kink with your vanilla partner. If needed, introduce a safe word, or a prearranged word to stop a sexual activity in the moment.

Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have a boundary. If it feels good to share, by all means, do; if you don’t, however, that’s okay. “Even a gut feeling that says ‘this doesn’t feel right’ is a valid reason to set a sexual boundary,” Tanner said.

If you have multiple partners, you can also have different boundaries with different people! Boundaries with a longtime partner will look different than those with someone new.

Stay open when speaking about your intimate values, and embrace the fact that we’ve all absorbed varying narratives about sexuality and our bodies, Berkheimer said.

“We’ve been informed by our families culture, possibly personal trauma, past relationships or media,” Berkheimer continued. “There is so much messaging that happens way before we ever get physical, so to feel safe with intimate partners, they have to be willing to show us they will uphold the boundaries we request for our mental, emotional and physical health.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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To understand biological sex, look at the brain, not the body

By Jennifer Finney Boylan

There they are, in their Chevrolet Colorado, five dudes bouncing up and down as the truck grinds through the rugged American high country. Two guys up front, three in the back. Shania Twain is blasting. The fellow in the middle is singing along. “Oh, I want to be free, yeah, to feel the way I feel. Man, I feel like a woman!”

The other guys look deeply worried. But the person in the back just keeps happily singing away, even as the dude next to him moves his leg away. Just to be on the safe side.

This commercial aired back in 2004, and even now it’s not clear to me if it’s offensive or empowering, hilarious or infuriating. Twain says she wrote “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” after working at a resort where some drag queens were performing. “That song started with the title,” she said. “Then it kind of wrote itself.”

It’s a fun tune, and I admit I kind of loved seeing that commercial. But at its heart is an issue central to our current political moment.

When someone says they feel like a woman, what exactly does that mean?

Across the country, conservatives are insisting that — and legislating as if — “feeling” like a woman, or a man, is irrelevant. What matters most, they say, is the immutable truth of biology. Missouri’s attorney general, Andrew Bailey, wants to restrict gender-affirming health care for all transgender people, including adults. A new dress code at the Texas Agriculture Department commands that employees wear clothing “in a manner consistent with their biological gender.” In Florida, a law signed by Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) keeps “biological males” from playing on the women’s sports teams in public schools.

This term, “biological males,” is everywhere now. And it’s not used only by right-wing politicians. People of good faith are also wrestling with the way trans people complicate a world they thought was binary. They’re uncertain about when, and how, sex matters, and just how biological it is. Some want to draw a bright line in areas where maleness and femaleness might matter most — in sports, or locker rooms, or prisons. Others are trying to blur lines that used to be clearer. At Wellesley College last month, for instance, a nonbinding student referendum called for the admission of trans men to a school that traditionally has been a women’s college. The president of the college, Paula Johnson, pushed back.

So what, then, is a biological male, or female? What determines this supposedly simple truth? It’s about chromosomes, right?

Well, not entirely. Because not every person with a Y chromosome is male, and not every person with a double X is female. The world is full of people with other combinations: XXY (or Klinefelter Syndrome), XXX (or Trisomy X), XXXY, and so on. There’s even something called Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, a condition that keeps the brains of people with a Y from absorbing the information in that chromosome. Most of these people develop as female, and may not even know about their condition until puberty — or even later.

How can this be, if sex is only about a gene?

>Some people respond by saying that sex is about something else, then — ovaries, or testicles (two structures that begin their existence in the womb as the same thing).

What do we do then, with the millions of women who have had hysterectomies? Have they become men? What about women who’ve had mastectomies? Or men with gynecomastia, or enlarged breasts.

Are these people not who they think they are?

It may be that what’s in your pants is less important than what’s between your ears

In the past decade, there has been some fascinating research on the brains of transgender people. What is most remarkable about this work is not that trans women’s brains have been found to resemble those of cisgender women, or that trans men’s brains resemble those of cis men. What the research has found is that the brains of trans people are unique: neither female nor male, exactly, but something distinct.

But what does that mean, a male brain, or a female brain, or even a transgender one? It’s a fraught topic, because brains are a collection of characteristics, rather than a binary classification of either/or. There are researchers who would tell you that brains are not more gendered than, say, kidneys or lungs. Gina Rippon, in her 2019 book “The Gendered Brain,” warns against bunk science that declares brains to be male or female — it’s “neurosexism,” a fancy way of justifying the belief that women’s brains are inferior to men’s.

And yet scientists continue to study the brain in hopes of understanding whether a sense of the gendered self can, at least in part, be the result of neurology. A study described by author Francine Russo in Scientific American examined the brains of 39 prepubertal and 41 adolescent boys and girls with gender dysphoria. The experiment examined how these children responded to androstadienone, a pungent substance similar to pheromones, that is known to cause a different response in the brains of men and women. The study found that adolescent boys and girls who described themselves as trans responded like the peers of their perceived gender. (The results were less clear with prepubescent children.)

This kind of testing is important, said one of the researchers Russo quoted, “because sex differences in responding to odors cannot be influenced by training or environment.” A similar study was done in measuring the responses of trans boys and girls to echolike sounds produced in the inner ear. “Boys with gender dysphoria responded more like typical females, who have a stronger response to these sounds.”

What does it mean, to respond to the world in this way? For me, it has meant having a sense of myself as a woman, a sense that no matter how comfortable I was with the fact of being feminine, I was never at ease with not being female. When I was young, I tried to talk myself out of it, telling myself, in short, to “get over it

But I never got over it.

I compare it to a sense of homesickness for a place you’ve never been. The moment you stepped onto those supposedly unfamiliar shores, though, you’d have a sense of overwhelming gratitude, and solace, and joy. Home, you might think. I’m finally home.

The years to come will, perhaps, continue to shed light on the mysteries of the brain, and to what degree our sense of ourselves as gendered beings has its origins there. But there’s a problem with using neurology as an argument for trans acceptance — it suggests that, on some level, there is something wrong with transgender people, that we are who we are as a result of a sickness or a biological hiccup.

But trans people are not broken. And, in fact, trying to open people’s hearts by saying “Check out my brain!” can do more harm than good, because this line of argument delegitimizes the experiences of many trans folks. It suggests that there’s only one way to be trans — to feel trapped in the wrong body, to go through transition, and to wind up, when all is said and done, on the opposite-gender pole. It suggests that the quest trans people go on can only be considered successful if it ends with fitting into the very society that rejected us in the first place.

All the science tells us, in the end, is that a biological male — or female — is not any one thing, but a collection of possibilities.

No one who embarks upon a life as a trans person in this country is doing so out of caprice, or a whim, or a delusion. We are living these wondrous and perilous lives for one reason only — because our hearts demand it. Given the tremendous courage it takes to come out, given the fact that even now trans people can still lose everything — family, friends, jobs, even our lives — what we need now is not new legislation to make things harder. What we need now is understanding, not cruelty. What we need now is not hatred, but love.

When the person in that Chevy ad sings, Oh, I want to be free … to feel the way I feel. Man, I feel like a woman!, the important thing is not that they feel like a woman, or a man, or something else. What matters most is the plaintive desire, to be free to feel the way I feel.

Surely this is not a desire unique to trans people. Tell me: Is there anyone who has never struggled to live up to the hard truths of their own heart?

Man! I feel like a human.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Find Out What She Likes in Bed

— The Top 10 Questions to Ask

By Ivy Cosca>

Having sex is healthy. Most experts also agree that it’s beneficial to couples — it’s basic human nature! Plus, who doesn’t want to see their partners enjoy sex? It’s easy to navigate your way while getting it on in the bedroom. However, communicating with your partner to find out what she likes in bed is easier — just ask her!

If you’re not sure which questions to ask to find out what she likes in bed, we got you! Here are 10 ways to find out what she likes in bed (not necessarily in order):

Ask your partner these questions to find out what she likes in bed:

1. “How do you like to be kissed?

Sex or no sex, kissing is an intimate act — not only can it oftentimes be a wholesome act, but it’s also a great way to show your emotional and physical admiration for her. But what’s important to know is how she even wants to be kissed in the first place.

Asking her how she likes to be kissed may not sound that important, but you can find out what she likes in bed by getting to the details of how she likes kissing and being kissed — how much tongue does she like? Does she enjoy her lower lip lightly bitten or sucked? What’s her preferred pace?https://www.laweekly.com/how-to-find-out-what-she-likes-in-bed/

Moreover, even though kissing is commonly done, some women don’t like being kissed at all! If she’s one of those people, respect her preference — it’s probably not because of you. But if it is you, then this question is even more relevant to ask — because you’ll find out how you can improve your kissing game.

2. “Do you like to give oral sex?”

To some women, going down on their partner can be intimidating — because not a lot of them are confident with their fellatio skills. If this is the case, you can reassure her or teach her how you prefer receiving oral sex. But if she’s just not into it, that’s her decision to make.

But if she does like giving oral sex, then, well…it’s a win-win for you two!

3. “Do you like being on the receiving end of oral sex?”

Again, oral sex — some women like giving it, some women like receiving one, and some just don’t! One reason a woman doesn’t like receiving oral sex is because they’re insecure about the “odor” that they think they have down there. If this is her reason for having an aversion to cunnilingus, let her know that the vagina isn’t meant to smell like roses — and there will be a certain scent that shouldn’t be considered “foul!” Unless, of course, she has an infection — if so, that should be treated right away!

Another reason for a woman not wanting to be on the receiving end of oral sex is it simply just doesn’t do anything for them — some might even feel that their clitoris can get “overstimulated.” On the other hand, if she doesn’t mind cunnilingus, then, there’s another act that can amp up your sex life!

4. “What makes you orgasm?”

Women climax to different triggers. Some like their nipples played with, some prefer clitoris massages, others need g-spot or cervix stimulation — other women also get off to anal sex. Regardless of which one it is, it’s important to find out what makes her orgasm. Isn’t that the ultimate goal anyway?

5. “How do you feel about having sex in public places?”

If you and your partner agree that public sex is a “yay,” and you guys plan on doing it, find out first the laws in which the sex act will be committed. Public sex is common and it’s typically done in planes (aka the mile-high club), cars, parks, and so on. It’s generally harmless when no one catches you in the act, but, in California, public sexual activity is an offense.

The California penal code 647(a) states that it’s a crime to “engage in or to solicit anyone to engage in lewd or dissolute conduct in any public place or in any place open to the public or exposed to public view,” Therefore, when engaging in public sex, you and your partner should be very careful. It’s also best that you’re aware of the possible repercussions if you get caught!

6. “Are you into threesomes or group sex?”

Group sex is a common sexual fantasy — and lots of folks also engage in one. If you or your partner is into threesomes or group sex, discuss first who and how you’ll get other people to join the ”party!” What will the situation be like? — MFM? MMF? FFM? FMF? Are you and your partner exclusive? Will it remain that way afterward? These are the few questions that you and your partner should discuss.

But if you’re not into threesomes, group sex, swinging, or polyamory, in general, you don’t have to engage in one! She also has to respect your decision, if so — and so should you with her decision, if she’s the one who refuses to participate in those aforementioned non-monogamous sex acts.

7. “Do you like using sex toys?”

Adult toys have made their way into countless women’s nightstands. But if your partner doesn’t own one, doesn’t plan on owning one, and she’s not open to being stimulated by one, then you can stick to — uhh — sticking your own junk inside instead.

On the other hand, if she does like sex toys, then sex can become even more exciting — because you’ll have a device (or two, or more!) to help you make her achieve an orgasm!

8. “What’s your favorite position?”

Sometimes, we have to go back to basics: a simple switch in position is enough to make a woman orgasm! You just have to find out what she likes in bed by asking what her favorite position is! Whether it’s eye contact from an intimate missionary position, or she likes to receive it from behind — for maximum cervix stimulation — there are creative ways to make her climax.

9. “Are you into sexting?”

Turning her on doesn’t always have to involve physical contact. Sometimes, sexting is enough to make her want you in the bedroom ASAP! But find out first if she’s into that. Furthermore, ask her how she feels about dick pics, sending her nudes, or if she also wants to send you some.

10. “Do you have preferred erotic acts, kinks, fetishes, or sexual fantasies?”

In essence, penetrative sex is the act of repeatedly thrusting the penis inside a woman’s orifice — be it the vagina or the anus. But most people don’t settle with just that! That’s why it’s practically normal to have sexual preferences, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes — even if it’s simple hair-pulling or spanking. Additionally, some are into, say, shower sex or dirty talk.

Some women also like being tied up or blindfolded — and other women prefer doing these to their partner instead. Regardless of what it is, she probably has one erotic act that she enjoys doing — or be done to her. Just like you!

Speaking of kinks…

However, some kinks, fantasies, or fetishes have to be thoroughly thought of before you and your partner perform them — some of them may be commonly done, and they sure as heck wouldn’t be common if they weren’t enjoyable to many, but there are possible dangers to some sex acts.

Here are common sex acts and kinks you can ask to find out what she likes in bed, and the potential consequences:

Age gap kink

Age gap kink, DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl), or as the internet calls it: the daddy kink! Some women like to role-play that they’re being dominated by someone older than them — or someone who will simply just dominate them. But it also depends on her fantasies about how big the “age gap” will be and how sexually aggressive their “Daddy” will be. In some instances, it’s she who wants to role-play as the older person — or be called “Mommy” in some situations.

However, make sure that the age gap kink remains a kink or act of role-play — under no circumstances should either party involve an actual minor! According to Searah Deysach, a sex educator based in Chicago, in her interview with Insider (regarding the age gap kink), “It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,”

Role-playing as a minor (whether it’s her or if she asks that it be you) isn’t necessarily a “red flag,” but the actual involvement of a minor is a serious, serious crime that can inevitably land you both in jail!

Foot fetish

Foot fetish involves performing sexual acts using the feet. But sometimes, the feet are the “main event.” Some women like her feet adored, and some like her feet tickled, licked, or stimulated. Now, a foot fetish is far from dangerous. If she has this fetish, and you’re willing to give it a go, just make sure that you guys are licking each other’s clean feet! It harbors tons of bacteria!

Choking

Choking, erotic asphyxiation, or breath play seems to be another trending topic or widely-discussed kink on the internet. It involves cutting off the oxygen supply to the brain — which enhances sexual excitement. This can be a safe sexual act if you know how to properly perform it. If she’s into choking, and you’re willing to perform it on her, do your research first on how to properly sexually choke someone!

The United States National Library of Medicine published a journal and they estimate that 200 to 1,000 people die from erotic asphyxiation every year. Therefore, we cannot stress it enough: do your research first!

BDSM

You can say that BDSM is one of the few all-time favorite kinks! That’s why if she’s into BDSM, or Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Sadism, Masochism, you shouldn’t be too surprised! Lots of sexual acts fall under the BDSM category. Therefore, there isn’t a single act to define what it is — or what she would want you guys to do.

However, again, BDSM is supposed to involve non-dangerous or non-permanent ways of inflicting mild to moderate pain or discomfort for erotic purposes. Thus, one should be very careful when performing BDSM with your partner. Have a safe word!

All in All,

The best way to find out what she likes in bed ultimately boils down to one thing: communication. Whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, or FWB, it’s important to find out what she likes in bed — so you guys can make the most out of your experience and both of you achieve la petite mort! Because neither of you deserves an uncomfortable one — and definitely not a risky one!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Assault

— How to Help Your Loved One

Each year, millions of men and women in the United States are affected by sexual violence. It is distressing to find out that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault, but there are steps you can take to offer support.

By Natalie Evenson, MSN, BSN, RN, SANE-A

  • After a sexual assault, it may be easy to lose focus on what is most important; your primary focus should be on your loved one’s physical and emotional needs.
  • During this crisis, your loved one needs your unconditional support and care.
  • Following a sexual assault, victims face making difficult decisions; respecting your loved one’s decisions without question is essential.

How to respond

It is hard to know how to react after finding out a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault. It takes courage for someone to disclose what happened, and you may be at a loss for how to respond.

Each individual reacts and copes with traumatic events differently. Your loved one may be tearful, angry, withdrawn, or even laughing and joking. These are all normal responses to trauma; the best thing to do is be a supportive presence.

Personal and physical safety and well-being are of utmost importance. You can help create a safety plan to avoid contact with the person who assaulted your loved one. You should contact law enforcement if your loved one is receiving threats or is in imminent danger.

If your loved one wishes to seek medical attention, many hospitals have sexual assault nurse examiners available. These nurses can offer a sexual assault examination and collect forensic evidence several days after a sexual assault.

Ways you can offer support

It may be challenging to know how to comfort a loved one who has been a victim of sexual assault. The most important thing is to express your care and concern. Offering support can be done in a variety of ways.

  • Ask your loved one what you can do to help. Let your loved one express what you can do to help them feel comfortable and safe. It may be as simple as gathering their favorite comfort items, like their favorite fuzzy blanket and slippers.
  • Validate your loved one’s feelings. They may be overwhelmed by a wide range of confusing emotions. Listen and empathize with their feelings, fears, and concerns.
  • Ask for permission before giving physical touch. Your loved one has lost power and control over their own body. Letting your loved one tell you how they would like to be comforted puts them in control. You might be more valuable by providing kind words than physical affection.
  • Respect your loved one’s choices. It is up to your loved one to decide the next steps following a sexual assault. They must determine if they want to talk to law enforcement or seek medical attention. Whether or not you agree with the decisions your loved one has made, it is essential to respect their choices unconditionally.

Things you should avoid

Everyone copes with crises and trauma differently. There is no right way to react when hearing that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault. Your loved one may have feelings of guilt or self-blame.

It takes great courage for someone to disclose they have been a victim of sexual assault. You must reassure your loved one that they are not at fault and that you support and believe them. You may have many questions about the incident, but you should let your loved one disclose the information if and when they feel ready.

You may be angry and have thoughts and opinions about the situation; however, you should put your feelings aside and focus on supporting your loved one.

How to support your loved one moving forward

Following a sexual assault, it is common to feel numb or anxious. Your loved one may experience difficulty sleeping or eating or experience flashbacks and panic attacks. Encouraging soothing and relaxing self-care exercises like breath work or meditation may be helpful.

Your loved one may benefit from seeing a therapist or counselor to help them cope and begin to heal from their trauma. Be aware of warning signs that your loved one may be having thoughts of self-harm. You can refer your loved one to mental health crisis resources as needed.

Hearing about someone else’s traumatic events can affect your mental health. You may have difficulty processing what happened to your loved one. Be kind to yourself and seek mental health resources for yourself if needed.

In this digital age, venting or sharing information online may be tempting. Remember to respect your loved one’s confidentiality. They may be ready to disclose to you, but you must respect their privacy.

There are many resources for survivors of sexual assault. If your loved one is interested, referring them to an advocacy or support group may be helpful.

When a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault, there are many things you can do to help them. Recovering after a sexual assault is a long-term process; your loved one needs empathy and unconditional support. The most important thing is to follow their cues and let your loved one tell you how you can help them through the process.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The rise of voluntary celibacy

— ‘Most of the sex I’ve had, I wish I hadn’t bothered’

More and more people are choosing to go without sex. And, in many cases, they’ve never been happier

By

Caitlin didn’t set out to become celibate – at least not in the beginning. Three years ago, she was coming out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t ready to meet someone else. Then Covid happened, and the lockdowns made it impossible anyway. “I thought during that time I needed space to heal and reflect on what I’d been through,” she says. Towards the end of 2020, the 23-year-old artist started therapy. “I realised if I was going to be sexually active, I needed someone who would understand my past, and where I was coming from. I don’t want to be with someone unless I know it’s committed, and I’m not in a rush to find that.”

She had been on dating apps, but found it hard to meet men who wanted a relationship, rather than just sex. “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared. It’s tricky when a lot of dating is around hook-up culture, which I’m not interested in.”

Caitlin’s celibacy, three years in now, became intentional. She hasn’t missed sex itself, she says, and certainly not casual sex, although sometimes, “seeing people in relationships and having healthy sex lives, can make me go: ‘Why don’t I have that?’” But it has had unintentional benefits. “It’s taught me more about what I enjoy in sex, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to put me at a disadvantage, but I feel a lot more confident in my own sexuality.” While sex with someone else is out, masturbation is still in, and she says her libido has increased. “I think because exploring different things without dealing with another person has allowed me to find what I enjoy.” It has also made her more relaxed about finding a relationship (or not). “I’ve got other things to focus on. It’s if someone fits into my life rather than me needing to make room for them.”

On TikTok, voluntary or intentional celibacy has become a trend – the #celibacy hashtag has had more than 195m views – with those who practise it claiming it has improved their focus, mental health and energy. In January, it was reported that there was a 90% increase in Google searches for celibacy that month.

“This coincides with a long‑term trend among people today, in general, having less sex with fewer partners,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast. “Humans are increasingly less sexually active, with some forgoing sex altogether.” Study after study of sexual behaviour, in different countries, show this. The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 16% of men and 22% of women aged 16 to 74 were sexually inactive, and for most of them, it wasn’t a problem. While the authors noted the documented wellbeing benefits of a satisfying sex life, of those who had previously had sexual experience, the majority were not dissatisfied with their situation (around a third of men, and a quarter of women reported they were dissatisfied, although age had an effect, with younger people more dissatisfied than older people). The Natsal data is more than 10 years old, though, and its authors noted in a 2019 paper on the sexually inactive how little is known about them.

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in the US found that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity (partnered and alone), from 28.8% to 44.2% of young men and from 49.5% to 74% of young women. In one interview, the study’s authors raised several possible contributing factors, including gaming and social media taking time and precedence, more awareness of asexuality as an identity, a decline in alcohol use, an increase in “rough sex” practices such as choking that may be frightening or off-putting to many, and lower incomes.

Voluntary celibacy in the US, where Lehmiller is based, seems to have more links to religion than it does in the UK. Furthermore, he says, “in this #MeToo and post-Roe era [with the rollback of reproductive rights] we find ourselves in, the perceived risks associated with sex are higher, particularly for women. And, when you factor in the orgasm gap and the fact that women’s pleasure still isn’t on a par with men’s, some women are asking themselves whether sex is even worth it. If you see it as a high-risk, low-reward kind of thing, you might decide you’re better off without it.”

He suggests that celibacy, for some, may be part of “the growing trend towards delayed adulthood. Individuals might see sex and relationships as distractions, or as not having much point until they’ve found stability in other life circumstances.” The pressures of studying, establishing a career or saving for a home may take priority. While voluntary celibacy seems less popular among non‑religious heterosexual men, some have talked online about intentional celibacy providing more focus for their careers, with sex being a distraction.

 

For those who are dating, apps have changed the way many people find partners, but as Lehmiller points out, online dating is an arena “where there’s a lot of toxic behaviour, brutal rejection and feelings of intense competition for mates. It can make sex and relationships feel like a high-stress, high-stakes thing. Some people may find that taking a pause from that is good for their mental health.”

While celibacy is for many a positive personal choice, it can also be viewed as the result of, or a reaction against, a messed-up sexual culture, just as some of the second wave feminists chose political lesbianism decades ago. Last year, the “femcel”, or “female involuntary celibate”, went mainstream. “They feel the same sense of ‘humiliation and exclusion’ that ‘incels’ do,” as a piece in the Atlantic put it, “but they react to those feelings differently.”

Unlike the notorious misogynistic incels who blame women for not wanting to have sex with them, femcels posting in online groups tend to blame their celibacy on the soul-destroying sexual landscape and a society that, for all its hollow talk of “body positivity”, is still obsessed with looks and beauty conventions.

Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, says that many young heterosexual women “now feel as if they have to run the gauntlet of hook-up culture if they want to have any kind of sexual relationship. I think a lot of them, quite fairly, would rather not have any sexual relationship at all.” The influence and availability of pornography, she adds, “has had a really destructive effect on sexual culture.” She says surveys show that “most women don’t get that much out of casual sex. The problem is, because our sexual culture is so oriented towards a more masculine style of sexuality, a lot of young women in particular don’t feel as if they are able to demand commitment from their partners. Increasing numbers are opting out of the sexual culture altogether.”

It’s naive, she says, to think you can simply choose to avoid pornography and casual sex if you’re sexually active, “because the nature of sex in general, and social relationships, is that they’re networked – you have sex with people who have sex with other people, who watch porn. Even if you choose not to do that, other people do it, and it changes the culture. I think that, particularly in young people, who are super-sensitive to what other people think about them, the default setting now is to have pornified, casual sex.” For some people, opting out might feel like their only option.

Not that voluntary celibacy has just been invented. Stephen gave up sex more than 20 years ago, when he had just turned 40. “I’d become disillusioned with the gay scene, and too much casual sex with strangers. While I was in my 20s it could be fun, but most of the time, when I had sex with someone I’d just met, I was always hoping it was going to be more than just the one night. I was hoping for a relationship.” The last time he had sex, he contracted syphilis, which was the final straw.

A year or so ago, now in his early 60s, Stephen thought he might make another attempt at a sex life. “I gave Grindr a go, and that was quite an eye-opener.” The dating scene had changed in his decades of celibacy, with apps making casual hook-ups even easier, and he says he was alarmed by the number of people who wanted to have sex while taking drugs. He went on three dates with different men. “We did a bit of touching and kissing, but when it came to going any further, each time I said: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Now I’ve put myself back on the shelf. Most of the sex I’ve ever had, I wish I hadn’t bothered. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it just seems so much effort for something that’s over quickly. Looking back, it’s all very disappointing.”

He has missed intimacy, but companionship and affection have come from friends and his dogs. He is still open to being in a relationship, he says, and hasn’t lost his sex drive, but he thinks he is unlikely to meet someone now. “I’d need to have sex with someone I’ve known, even just for a few weeks, or a few days, instead of with someone whose name you can’t quite remember. An intimate but non-sexual relationship might be the best for me. It would be nice to lie in bed with someone, be an old married couple from the start.”

Celibacy, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice for Relate, “works when it works, and it doesn’t work when it doesn’t work. A lot of this comes down to: is this something that you feel is important to you, and you’re doing it for you? Or is it something that you feel is imposed on you, for reasons that might be very difficult? Like you’ve had a period without a partner, or you’ve gone through a period of ill health, whether mental or physical.” If it hasn’t been a positive choice, she says, it could “cause people to feel potentially unloved and uncared for”.

It can also raise problems, unsurprisingly, in relationships where one partner wants to follow a celibate lifestyle, but the other doesn’t. In that situation, you have to be willing to have a potentially difficult conversation about what it means for your relationship. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex, “but it’s not for everyone”, she says. “Celibacy can be a conscious decision, or it may be something that you just gently morph into and that also feels OK for you.” Major suggests asking yourself what celibacy brings to your life. “Are you cutting yourself off from sex, or are you cutting yourself off from intimacy? Are they the same for you? Can you be intimate while being celibate?”

It can certainly have benefits in a variety of situations, she says. “It’s not unusual for people after the breakup of a relationship, or periods of a lot of sexual activity, to take a step back and think: ‘I need to do some self-care, which involves taking myself out of this sexual arena at the moment. I will engage with it again at some point, but this is time to think about what I want to do next.’ Which may be to maintain celibacy, or it may be to engage with an intimate partner or several partners.”

Without her period of intentional celibacy a few years ago, after a breakup, Kelly Jenner believes she wouldn’t have changed her relationship patterns for the better. “I went for men who were very unavailable,” she says. “Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – I’ve got clear boundaries, we have healthy conversations, whereas I never had that before I did intentional celibacy.” Now a breakup recovery coach, Jenner often recommends a period of celibacy to others. How long it lasts is less important, she thinks, than the intention; simply a sexless period between partners doesn’t necessarily come with the same benefits. “The intention changes your whole mindset around dating.”

For Hope Flynn, 31, head of content for iPlaySafe, a home-testing STI kit and app, her eight-month stretch of celibacy – she had been having sex about three times a week, so it was intentional rather than a mere dry spell – was about resetting her attitudes to sex. “I really enjoy sex, but I started to notice I was using it in the wrong way,” she says. She was going through a difficult time – she was trying to launch a business and had experienced a couple of bereavements – and would seek no-strings sex as a distraction and for comfort.

“It wasn’t really doing anything for me, other than making me feel as if I was making wrong decisions. I had to put the brakes on it for a few months, and focus on myself and making myself feel better.” It was sometimes difficult, she says. “It was lonely at times, and I felt like I was being my own fun police, but it was needed.”

Earlier this year, she had another period of abstention – this time from pornography and masturbation, because she felt that had got out of control. “I wanted to have a better relationship with porn, and use my own imagination a bit more.” Both sexual breaks helped her focus on other areas of her life by removing sex as a distraction, and it made her appreciate sex more when she started being intimate again. “When I was having sex so regularly, it just becomes something that you do, but it was nice to have that break and make it special again.”

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5 Myths About Orgasms We Need To Put To Bed

By Amanda Chatel
When it comes to orgasms, there’s a hotbed of myths surrounding them. The reason for this is because they’re shrouded in mystery. To give you an example of just how mysterious the orgasm is, especially for those with vulvas, according to a 2005 study published in HHS Author Manuscripts, it wasn’t until the mid-1990s that researchers, via MRI, discovered the clitoris has an internal component. The MRI also found that this inner part was far bigger than the exposed bulb and the clitoris has erectile tissue similar to that of a penis, giving some much-needed insight into the clitoris and how it impacts orgasms from the outside and inside.

What makes the orgasm for those with vulvas even more puzzling for researchers is that it’s not necessary for pregnancy, unlike when someone with a penis orgasms and releases sperm meant to fertilize, resulting in conception. Our orgasm is essentially an enigma, per The New York Times. But where there’s a mystery, rumors will follow. Here are five of the most common myths about orgasms that we’re putting to bed right now.

Everyone should be able to orgasm through penetration alone

If ever there were a myth that needed to be debunked, shattered, and put out to pasture it’s that penetration equals orgasm for everyone. If only it were that easy. Study after study has found that the majority of people with a vulva can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. While those percentages vary based on the participants, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 36.6% need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, while only 18.4% reported that penetration alone could bring them to climax.

But it’s not only people with vulvas who need more than penetration to orgasm. Per a 2016 study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, contrary to what we might have been taught, those with penises don’t actually have a 100% orgasm rate during penetrative sex either — it’s “[m]ore than 90%,” according to the Scandinavian Journal of Sexology. Granted, that’s pretty darn close to 100%, thereby illustrating that the orgasm gap is indeed legitimate, but it’s important to realize that penetration alone simply doesn’t do it for everyone.

Sex is only good if there’s an orgasm involved

Because our culture puts so much emphasis on orgasms, we often forget that great sex doesn’t have to involve them. Especially if you take into consideration the fact that some people struggle to orgasm or don’t orgasm at all. If we reduce sex — in all its forms — to just achieving orgasms, then we all lose. Just as much as intercourse isn’t the only type of sex one can have, orgasm isn’t the only result of sex that can be experienced.

“There are a million reasons why we choose to be sexual, ranging from wanting intimacy, for excitement, to relieve boredom and to feel attractive,” psychosexologist Dr. Karen Gurney tells Refinery 29. “Many of these motivations can give us pleasure without getting anywhere near orgasm … The psychological and physical processes which result in orgasm involve a complex interplay between receiving bodily sensations that we enjoy, situations which we find erotic, and our ability to focus our attention on all of these things.”

When we put too much importance on having an orgasm, we miss out on properly enjoying the ride. Sex is a journey, from beginning to end, with a lot of different sensations and methods to experience arousal along the way. In fact, concentrating so much on coming can make it even harder to achieve.

There’s only one type of orgasm

When we hear the word “orgasm,” we tend to immediately think of climax that results from clitoral stimulation or, if you have a penis, when ejaculation occurs. But, and this might be some of the most exciting news you’ll read in a long time, there are several types of orgasms.

In addition to the clitoral orgasm, there’s the vaginal orgasm (also known as the G-spot orgasm) as well as the blended orgasm, which is experiencing both the clitoral and vaginal orgasms at the same time. There are also multiple orgasms; the anal orgasm; and the nipple orgasm (yes, some people can climax from nipple stimulation!) With the hotly debated squirting orgasm, fluid (not urine) is released from the urethral glands. The coregasm is induced by core-focused exercise, while skin orgasms, also known as music orgasms, are usually dismissed as goosebumps. Sleep orgasms are those delightful no-effort orgasms that we have while getting some proper shuteye. The U-spot orgasm results from urethral stimulation, while the A-spot orgasm has to do with the anterior fornix, which is located roughly a couple of inches above the G-spot.

Not only are there so many types of orgasms that can be experienced, but there are different intensities that can be felt with each. If that weren’t enough, genital orgasms can be broken up into three categories: avalanche, volcano, and wave. According to a 2022 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, these orgasms are the result of the tension being held in the pelvic floor — in case you needed another reason to practice your Kegel exercises regularly. Fun fact: a strong pelvic floor means stronger and even longer orgasms.

Using sex toys on a regular basis will desensitize your genitals

Sex toys have finally become mainstream, and are no longer something that one should feel shy about purchasing or owning. Sex toy innovation has reached extraordinary heights and with so many pleasure companies being owned by people with vulvas, these products are being created to help close that aforementioned orgasm gap.

Sex toys of all kinds are great for not just orgasms, but experimentation and self-exploration. Because, after all, you never really know what gets you off until you try something new. But despite this, a rumor persists that using sex toys, vibrators in particular, too often is going to desensitize the genitals (most notably the clitoris) making orgasm more difficult to achieve — especially during partnered sex. Simply, that’s not how the body works.

“What actually happens with a vibrator is that you tend to reach the climax faster because you are being intensely stimulated, more so than a finger or hand,” sex therapist Rachel Hoffman tells Insider. “Therefore, when you compare a session with your vibrator to a session with a partner (without a vibrator) it might feel very different, creating the myth of desensitization.”

Different types of stimulation create different types of sensations. But if your clitoris has started to rely more on your vibrator for orgasms than other types of stimulation — for example, your partner’s hands or tongue — then you can take a sex toy break. However, desensitizing your genitals just isn’t a thing.

If you can’t orgasm, there’s something wrong with you

Short answer: this is absolutely, positively not true. According to a 2000 study published in Current Psychiatry Reports, 10% to 15% of those with vulvas experience anorgasmia — the inability to orgasm. Anorgasmia is a disorder that isn’t just the complete absence of orgasms after sexual arousal, but it can also result in delayed climax, or rare and less intense orgasms (via Mayo Clinic).

For some, anorgasmia can be a lifelong disorder in which an orgasm is never achieved, or it can be something that comes about over one’s lifetime, or it can be situational in that you have a million other things on your plate and your head just isn’t in the game. But no matter the reason, the inability to orgasm isn’t a flaw, nor does it mean you’re broken or can’t enjoy sex. It means you enjoy sex differently than those who are able to orgasm.

As much as orgasms are a wonderful experience, it’s paramount to keep in mind that pleasure looks and feels different for everyone. If your main mode of satisfaction is an orgasm, that’s great. But keeping in mind just how complicated human sexuality is, it’s also essential to know that orgasms don’t hit the spot for everyone in the same way.

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I’m a Sex Coach in a Monogamish Relationship

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

By Quean Mo

Even if you know wholeheartedly that you want to be non-monogamous, actually engaging in that relationship structure can elicit a variety of complex emotions. At the same time that you feel desire, you might also feel fear and jealousy—and I’ve experienced this firsthand, as both a person in a monogamish relationship (a form of non-monogamy that allows for agreed-upon sex acts outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship) and a sex coach who works with clients looking to navigate the complexities of such relationships.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

  • What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
  • Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
  • What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
  • What role would each of us play?
  • What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

  1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
  2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
  3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

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What Is “Financial Domination,” Really?

— There’s a lot more to this kink than meets the eye

By Abigail Moss

Financial domination (sometimes shortened to fin dom) is a sexual kink whereby one person allows another to control them financially in some way. This might be by handing over their credit card(s) for a pre-agreed period of time, or by financing a holiday, shopping spree or fancy night out. Sometimes it comes in the form of gift-giving from an online wishlist, or can even involve paying for a person’s day-to-day lifestyle, including paying their rent or the cost of running their car.

But there’s a lot more to this kink than meets the eye, and the complexities of power, control and fantasy that go on under the surface offer a lot to unpack.

It’s definitely not the same as economic abuse

One thing to get clear right off the bat is that fin dom is very different than financial abuse. In an economically abusive relationship, the perpetrator controls the victim’s finances against their will. This could be by refusing to let them have their own bank account, generally controlling the household finances or by demanding to know how and where they’re spending money. This is a legally recognized form of abuse, and you can find more information about where to get help if you or somebody you know may be a victim of economic abuse here.

Fin dom relationships are consensual and the boundaries are always agreed upon ahead of time. And both parties retain the right to back out or to readjust the boundaries of the dynamic at any time.

It’s not the same as a sugar daddy

You might have heard of websites like sugardaddy.com where wealthy men can meet women who are looking for someone to take care of them financially. Financial domination kinks are not quite the same thing as this. Lola Jean is a pro-domme who has had clients with an interest in financial domination, as well as a close personal friend who she shares this dynamic with. She explains the difference between this and a sugar daddy dynamic. First off, those paying up in a financial domination role play are often referred to as “pay pigs.”

“A sugar daddy often wants to feel like they are supporting, rewarding or helping someone grow,” explains Lola. “It is very much a caretaker type of relationship. I also find that there tends to be more expectation for the sugar baby to keep the sugar daddy happy or on good terms. This may differ from person to person, but in a pay pig relationship, it is about them giving up their power or having it taken away.”

Not everyone who is interested in fin dom will want the humiliation aspects, or to be called a “pay pig.” This is where what’s known as “sensual fin dom” comes in.

As part of “7 Days of Dominion,” an online series of workshops for learning domme skills, Faustine Cox explains in her class “Gentle Money Play” that this form of fin dom involves more communication about goals and aspirations, and is partly about bringing someone along on that journey. “The two of you can get excited, and discuss your enthusiasm together towards prosperity,” she says. “It’s really fun. It’s all about your positive fempire.”

It’s often about gender roles (but not always)

Broadly speaking, think kink tends to appeal to heterosexual cis men more than any other gender. But when we think about the inversion of social norms that this kink is playing with, perhaps it’s easy to understand why. “Men, especially cis men have so much expectation thrust on them by society,” explains Lola. “They are told that if they play the game of capitalism and patriarchy they’ll be happy. Get the best job, the hottest girlfriend, the house, the vacations…whatever. But what happens when they have all of these things that are supposed to make them feel powerful and happy….and they don’t feel that way? That’s when these guilty pleasures creep in.” Financial domination, then, is a way of escaping this feeling of inadequacy by relinquishing control — the way they are spending their money is Lola’s idea, and in her control, freeing them up from the expectations that society has loaded on their backs.

There has to be mutual respect

As with any sub/dom dynamic, there needs to be a level of communication and mutual respect. “People definitely think financial domination is easy or that it’s as simple as yelling at someone you’ve never met to give you money and they do so at a drop of the hat,” explains Lola. “Fin dom is a lot of work. Earning trust, weeding out the time-wasters and fakers from the ones worth investing in. Building the relationship and continuing to feed it. Balancing demands of money with relationship building activities.”

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From scheduling sex to being selfish

— 10 ways to improve intimacy

By

1. Talk about any problems

Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.

2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed

How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.

3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice

Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.

4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle

There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.

5. Schedule regular time to be intimate

This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.

6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both

Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.

7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness

I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.

8. For older couples, slow everything right down

Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).

9. Take turns to be selfish

Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.

10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other

There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.

Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.

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How To Reclaim Your Sexuality After Sexual Assault

— According to Trauma-Informed Sex Educators Who Are Also Survivors

By Erica Sloan

If you think of the body like a circuit system, “sexual trauma has a way of rewiring things,” says trauma-informed sex educator Jimanekia Eborn, founder of Tending the Garden, a support organization for marginalized sexual-assault survivors that offers a quarterly subscription care package. In the aftermath of endured sexual trauma, things that once sparked pleasure or arousal, like a certain kind of touch or even the words of a loved one, might instead trigger pain, setting off a negative chain reaction circuit-wide, says Eborn. Rebuilding that circuit—not necessarily into what it was, but into a version that lights up just as brightly—can help survivors reclaim their sexuality after assault.

The circuit metaphor is particularly apt for describing the effects of sexual assault because of the ways in which the trauma can infiltrate your whole system. “It isn’t just something that happened to our bodies; it isn’t just something that happened to our brains,” says Eborn. “It is all-encompassing.”

“It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.” —Jimanekia Eborn, trauma-informed sex educator

That reality can make it easy to feel like you’re broken. But the switchboard isn’t dead; it’s more accurate to say it needs some reconfiguring. “Sometimes, I have days where my body feels very disconnected from me, or I feel like I’m existing at an angle,” says Eborn, of healing from her own sexual trauma. “It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.”

What that path looks like will be different for every survivor, says somatic coach and restorative-justice advocate Marlee Liss. “There’s no one-size-fits-all roadmap to reclaiming your sexuality and pleasure after assault, and it isn’t a linear process either,” she says, “but I think realizing that is a really big part of the healing.”

How sexual trauma can disconnect you from the experience of pleasure and your own sexuality

Though the body can respond to trauma in a number of ways, any response is “an attempt at protecting you and helping you to feel safe,” says Liss. (And it’s helpful to see it through that lens in order to find some self-compassion if your body’s response isn’t what you’d like it to be.)

In terms of a person’s relationship to sexuality, two opposite responses are the most common, says Liss: hyposexuality and hypersexuality. The former is an aversion or fear of sex that typically looks like shutting down desires, rejecting sexual feelings, or numbing out in sexual circumstances “often so that you can feel a greater sense of control over your body and your decisions,” says Liss. It’s the body’s way of compensating for a loss of that control in the past.

The latter, however, is a compulsion toward sex, when “someone hyper-sexualizes themselves more than their typical amount, perhaps because they’ve internalized sexual objectification that’s been imposed upon them or because they’re trying to deny or minimize the reality of the trauma they’ve experienced,” says Liss.

This hypersexualization response may make it seem, on the surface, as if the person has fully learned how to reclaim their sexuality after assault when, in reality, they’re sexualizing themselves purely as a result of trauma, and not because they’re in tune with their body or seeking pleasure.

It’s also possible for sexuality to ebb and flow post-trauma. “Perhaps, one day, all the switches on your circuit are off, and you just want to stay in bed all day, and the next, they’re all on, and you’re craving a sexual experience,” says Eborn. “I think there’s so much shame and blame placed on both sides [of that spectrum] that people struggle figuring out where they fall. But in a healing journey, there’s room for all of it.”

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues.

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues. “Our bodies are constantly telling us in many different ways whether we’re feeling safe, whether we’re feeling unsafe,” says Liss. But when you go into a hyposexual or hypersexual state, or enter another kind of trauma response, it’s easy to miss those cues, she says.

Learning how to turn back toward your own body’s senses and sensations, notice them, and value your right to feel however you feel is the core process of sexual reclamation.

5 strategies that can help you learn how to reclaim your sexuality after assault

1. Release yourself from shame and blame

While it may seem obvious that the survivor of sexual assault is never to blame, the reality is that trauma can get twisted in retrospect.

“There’s a lot of shame that can come with experiencing sexual assault,” says Eborn. And when you consider that the brain is our biggest sex organ, it’s no wonder that holding onto all that shame can distance you from sexual pleasure. “If you’re constantly thinking, ‘This is my fault,’ or ‘I could’ve prevented this,’ it’ll be very difficult to reclaim your sexuality,” says Eborn.

Her advice? Remember that shame is a feeling put upon you by other people, other things, or other circumstances. “Instead of owning that shame as yours, think about it like, ‘This feeling is not mine, and it’s not of my creation,’” says Eborn. Yes, you have to deal with it now, she qualifies, but the important thing to remember is, you didn’t ask for or deserve this.

2. Take yourself on pleasure-focused “self dates”

It’s essential to carve out solo time on your calendar that’s designated just for your pleasure while you’re on the journey of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault. Eborn and Liss both call these pockets of time “self dates.” They can be any length of time—whether three minutes or 60, depending on what you can swing—and the only rule is that you use the time to feel good.

Notably, that means you’re not going into these self dates with a particular goal to accomplish or sexual act to achieve. “I think that there can be this kind of capitalist, productive approach to healing from sexual trauma that’s like, ‘I need to be okay again, and I need to be like I was with sexuality, and I need to get there by tomorrow,’” says Liss. “But that kind of pressure can lead us to cross our boundaries and just put ourselves in re-traumatizing places.”

Instead, the point of the self-dates is to focus purely on pleasure—and not necessarily orgasm or masturbation or even anything sexual at all. While you certainly can use the time for a solo sex session, you might also use it to take a hot bath, dance with reckless abandon, or savor a piece of pizza.

“Ask yourself, ‘What would bring me pleasure right now?’ or, ‘What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure right now?'” —Marlee Liss, somatic coach and sex educator

To figure out which route to go, Liss says to ask yourself the deceivingly simple (yet often overlooked) question, “What would bring me pleasure right now?” Or, if that feels too inaccessible, even just, “What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure, or peace, or comfort right now?”

This practice can help increase your awareness of your own body and senses, allowing you to practice self-consent, says Liss: You’re asking yourself what would feel good, and then you’re acting upon that, which is a beautiful reclamation of power over your physical being.

Indeed, allowing yourself to answer the question honestly is a reminder of an essential truth: “You know yourself better than anyone else does, no matter what anyone tells you or tries to talk you out of or talk you into,” says Eborn.

3. Reimagine the physical or mental context you’ve created around sex

Simple changes to your environment or approach to sexual pleasure can make a world of difference in how you perceive it in the wake of trauma.

On the physical side of things, consider how you might rid your space from as many triggers as possible, says Liss. Toss any objects that take you to an uncomfortable space, remove triggering songs from playlists, adjust anxiety-provoking lighting, and the like. And at the same time, consider how you might add glimmers—aka the opposite of triggers—into your physical space. Perhaps these safety cues include a particularly calming sound or smell, or a comforting blanket.

When it comes to the mental context you’ve constructed around sex, Eborn also suggests dropping preconceived notions and starting fresh by taking the Erotic Blueprint quiz, which sexologist Jaiya Ma created. The five categories it includes—energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter—each encompasses unique sexual turn-ons (for example, soft and wispy touch for the sensual people and something that feels personally taboo for the kinky people).

“By taking the quiz, you can see what might feel connected to get you back in your body,” says Eborn. That answer certainly may have changed as a result of experiencing trauma—and that’s not a bad thing so much as something important to notice. “It’s okay if you no longer want or feel comfortable doing that one thing that was once a turn-on,” says Eborn. “There’s so much body, there are so many ways to touch it, and sex is about far more than penetration.”

4. Redefine your sexual boundaries

Part of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault is identifying and honoring your own sexual limits. One way to do this is by creating a Yes/No/Maybe list, says Eborn. Just like it sounds, this involves categorizing any number of different sex acts, fantasies, toys, and positions as “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe,” based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

This way, you have a reference—“a cheat sheet of sorts,” says Eborn—for what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you’re open to exploring, which you can also share with a current or future sexual partner, if relevant. Though it might seem like TMI to share it, it’s important to remember that “most people actually want to know how to have sex with you, rather than guessing,” says Eborn.

You can also explore where your sexual boundaries fall during one of your pleasure-focused self dates, above. If you’re tuned into what feels pleasurable, you’ll also be able to better identify what doesn’t (or when something stops feeling good). “A key piece that’s easy to miss is that sometimes, the most liberating breakthrough is you being like, ‘That’s enough for today,’ and knowing where to draw a boundary,” says Liss. “That, in and of itself, can be an experience of pleasure.”

5. Know that sexual reclamation post-trauma isn’t all or nothing

In the headspace—and body-space—of healing from sexual trauma, accessing pleasure of any sort can sometimes feel like a stretch. Which is why, Liss says it’s important to remember that two things can be true: You can feel grief or sadness or pain or anger (or all of the above) about the experience of sexual assault, and you can also reclaim pleasure. “Different feelings can coexist,” says Liss, “and the journey to healing is really about allowing that coexistence to happen without denial.”

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For cancer survivors, sexual intimacy can pose unexpected issues

— ‘I feel as if my body has betrayed me,’ one survivor says

Brenna Gatimu and her husband, Nimmo Kariuki, tend to their youngest son, Kylian, in Casper, Wyo. Gatimu was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020.

By Netana H. Markovitz

Brenna Gatimu, 34, of Casper, Wyo., was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020. She quickly had chemoradiation, and both her breasts and ovaries were removed. She now takes a medication that suppresses any remaining estrogen in her body.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu said.

Gatimu’s experience is not uncommon. As cancer survival rates in the United States improve, many survivors are left with permanent changes to their body — outwardly and functionally. Some feel particularly unprepared for persistent changes in their sexual functioning.

“Sexuality is a very big issue, and unfortunately, the avenues to get help are often limited because people are concentrating on helping [patients] live through cancer, and really concentrating on quality of life but devoid of sexuality,” said Don Dizon, a professor of medicine and surgery at Brown University and the founder of the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at the Lifespan Cancer Institute.

Sexual health and quality of life

In 2022, approximately 18 million people with a history of cancer were living in the United States. The number is expected to increase over time.

“As people live long lives after cancer … these questions on the permanent, long-term side effects of treatment are something we have to address,” said Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and an associate psychiatry professor at Harvard Medical School.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu says.

“We are looking not just at what people do functionally, but we’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change,” Bober said. “We’re talking about an experience of how people relate to a partner, we’re talking about dating, we’re talking about emotional and sexual relationships that undergo changes themselves.”

“We’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change.” — Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute

Some cancer centers have created programs dedicated exclusively to sexual health for patients with cancer — such as Massachusetts General Hospital and Memorial Sloan Kettering in Manhattan. These centers are still relatively rare, but their numbers are increasing.

Those without access to a comprehensive center should consider seeking out “specific practitioners who have relevant expertise, such as certified menopause specialists, urologists or urogynecologists who specialize in sexual medicine, pelvic floor physical therapists or certified sex therapists in the community,” Bober said in an email.

Gatimu holds some of the medications she takes while Kylian asks if he can have the pills, too.
A family portrait on Gatimu’s wall shows husband Nimmo Kariuki, stepdaughter Paisley Grundhoffer, and sons Malcolm, James and Kylian. The family had the photo taken the day Gatimu completed chemotherapy.

Patients can also access a growing body of information.

“There are really more resources now than there ever have been and there are a lot of organizations that now have really good information and education on their websites,” Bober said. “I would just say people should feel free to access the growing amount of supports that are out there. And that’s the case both for patients and providers.”

For example, the Scientific Network on Female Sexual Health and Cancer has a host of resources, including webinars, a page with links to several online resources and a “find a provider” page to search for help by location. The American Cancer Society also has a fairly comprehensive overview of navigating sex and cancer.

Jacob Lowy in his living room in New York.

Even before intimate encounters, body image can be an issue. Jacob Lowy, 31, a fourth-year medical student at the University of Michigan, was diagnosed with metastatic sarcoma in 2021. Since then, he has had to deal with dating.

“It definitely messed with my psyche a lot to talk to people because it feels like you’re hiding something at first,” Lowy said. “But there’s no real advice for how to do it properly.”

Besides fatigue and surgical complications from his two abdominal surgeries, he has experienced decreased libido and erectile dysfunction.

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside,” Lowy said.

Physicians often don’t discuss sexuality with patients for many reasons, Dizon said. “Partly it’s because I don’t think oncologists are trained in talking about sexuality,” he said.

Lowy spends time with friends on the Lower East Side in New York on March 4.

When sexuality is discussed, much of the talk often focuses on what’s safe — for example, when it is safe to have sex during chemotherapy. Bober said “potential sexual side effects and sexual rehabilitation really is not routinely incorporated into care. So a lot of people struggle on the other side of treatment and feel pretty isolated.”

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside.” — Jacob Lowy

But when the topic is broached, doctors often have treatment recommendations.

Sarah E.A. Tevis, an assistant professor of surgery at the University of Colorado, recently started asking her patients about sex after a patient questionnaire she distributed flagged the issue.

“This wasn’t a common thing I talked to all of my patients about, and ever since I’ve started bringing it up, I feel like almost every single patient I talk to is having some problem that we can probably help with,” Tevis said.

Ask for help or a referral

Even if your oncologist does not know how to help, someone is probably out there who can.

“This is something that people should be empowered about — that as with other aspects of our health, if you’re having issues, give it voice, ask for specific assistance,” Dizon said. “And if your doctor doesn’t know or doesn’t want to discuss it, then ask for a referral.”

For Gatimu, she has done her best to adapt to a new normal but still struggles.

Since treatment, she has experienced vaginal dryness, difficulty achieving orgasm and lack of libido. She also has no sensation in her reconstructed breasts. Gatimu has sought advice through a combination of doctors and friends who are cancer survivors.

Gatimu helps Kylian wake up to get ready for day care on March 1.
Gatimu’s son Malcolm walks past a photo wall his mom and dad put together of past family moments, photos and sayings as he gets ready for school on March 1.

“I still have times where I really struggle with the comparison or the wishful thinking of ‘Oh my gosh, if only this didn’t happen and I didn’t have to live through this, where would [I] be?’ On the positive side, I have gained such a self-awareness and such a self-confidence within myself,” Gatimu said.

One 44-year-old man who was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal cancer in 2018 underwent chemotherapy and radiation before having surgery that resulted in an ostomy pouch, a bag that collects stool outside the body.

“It’s tough for me not to view my body as … broken,” said the man, who asked not to be named for privacy reasons.

For him, sex with his partner now involves going to the bathroom to empty out the ostomy pouch and ensuring that it is as flat as possible so it does not get in the way. He also takes Viagra for the erectile dysfunction he has had since treatment.

A photo of Gatimu and Kariuki attending an adult prom in Casper, Wyo., that raises money for childhood cancer research.

“I am very fortunate that I have a loving partner who loves me for who I am and we’ve adjusted, but now sex is really tough to have spontaneously,” said the man, who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C.

A common misconception is that only certain cancers affect sex.

“We tend to think of sexual health as an issue [only] for people treated for sex-related cancer,” Dizon said. “But that’s actually not true. There’s a growing literature that even people treated for, say, colon cancer and lung cancer — they actually have issues related to sexuality.”

He points out, for example, that chemotherapy itself can affect the vaginal mucosa, which can cause pain with sex.

Unfortunately, many cancer patients feel alone in their struggles.

No one mentioned sexuality to the Chapel Hill resident, except for a brief, awkward conversation with his radiation oncologist regarding the possibility of infertility after treatment.

“People often will equate sexuality and fertility, but those are very different conversations,” Dizon said.

Lowy organizes his pills for the week.

“Their goal is to save a life.” the Chapel Hill resident said. “And they were very good at doing that. I willingly put my life in their hands, but sex was an afterthought.”

Once he got the courage to broach the subject, he was prescribed Viagra, which has been working well.

“I think the biggest advice I would give is, do not be afraid to ask questions,” he said. “If something isn’t right, talk to the doctors about it.”

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