Human sexuality is a combination of cultural, psychological, and biological factors. It is a way of expressing emotions and feeling connected through physical affection and pleasure. Family, society, and culture influence our perceptions and attitudes toward sex and sexuality. Sexual repression happens when someone avoids expressing their sexual feelings, thoughts, and desires.
Everyone has different comfort levels and personal boundaries regarding sex and sexuality.
Sexual repression may stem from religious, cultural, or societal stereotypes and expectations.
Discussing sexual repression may be embarrassing, but without treatment, it can negatively impact your physical, emotional, and mental health.
Effective communication with an intimate partner can help you cope while strengthening the relationship.
In this article, you’ll learn about sexual repression if it’s something you might have, and how to work through it.
What is sexual repression?
Sexual repression is one way your mind copes with difficult or painful ideas about sex and sexuality. It is a defense mechanism that causes you to push undesirable feelings, thoughts or desires out of your conscious thinking.
You might be experiencing sexual repression for a variety of reasons, including:
Family dynamics. Growing up in a household where it was unacceptable to discuss the topic of sex might have instilled a sense of shame when talking about or participating in sexual activities.
Cultural norms and religious beliefs. Culture and religion often have significant roles in how you view sex and sexuality. Growing up with very restrictive attitudes toward sex, being told that sex outside of marriage or sex for pleasure was shameful or amoral, you might have negative associations with sex and sexuality.
Gender stereotypes. Traditional societal beliefs about masculinity and femininity may affect your outlook on sex and sexuality. The stereotypes that men must be dominant, aggressive, and sexual while women need to be submissive, emotional, and passive can adversely affect your views of sex and sexuality.
Sexual orientation. Individuals who struggle with their sexual identity or orientation may experience feelings of guilt, shame, and discomfort around their sexuality. Fear of judgment, stigma, and prejudice may negatively impact your feelings toward sex and sexuality.
Prior trauma or abuse. A history of sexual abuse or trauma can significantly impact your capacity for creating intimate relationships. Sexual intimacy may trigger anxiety, fear, or flashbacks of a previous assault.
Sexual repression symptoms
Symptoms of sexual repression are similar in men and women. You may experience the following:
Thoughts of shame and embarrassment around sex and sexuality.
Lack of desire or lack of ability to participate in sexual activities.
Fear and anxiety related to sex and sexuality.
Risks associated with sexual repression
If untreated, sexual repression may cause:
Low self-esteem
Negative self-image
Sexual frustration
Emotional withdrawal
Difficulty establishing or maintaining intimate relationships
How to cope with sexual repression
Sexuality is very individualized. You may feel pressure from your partner, friends, or the media about what “normal” sexuality is. Each individual has their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about what is pleasurable and acceptable.
Honesty. Be open and honest with your partner about your emotions. It is easier for your partner to support you when they know what you think and feel. Communication is vital to a healthy relationship.
Respect. Try not to pressure yourself to meet your partner’s expectations. Both partners should feel comfortable, respected, and safe in a healthy relationship.
Rule out physical issues. It is best to consult your healthcare provider to rule out any physical issues that might be mistaken for sexual repression affecting your libido or sexual desire.
Find a sex therapist. Some professionals specialize in treating individuals and couples with sex and sexuality. A sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional that uses psychotherapy to help work through mental and emotional issues related to sex and sexuality. Some therapists specialize in treating individuals with LBGTQ+ issues. With the increased prevalence of telemedicine, it is more convenient to connect with a qualified sex therapist who can help.
How to help your loved one
Sexual repression is a sensitive topic, and your partner may struggle with self-doubt, self-blame, and negativity. The needs and desires of both partners should be equally met. Working together, you can provide a safe space to support your loved one.
Be patient. It may take time to work through these issues. Each individual copes and works through things at their own pace.
Listen to your partner’s needs. Ask questions and let your partner know what you can do to help.
Support. Offer non-judgemental support and reassurance of your love. Your loved one may be experiencing feelings of isolation and self-blame.
Be aware of triggers. If your partner has a history of sexual trauma, respect your loved one’s boundaries and be aware of potential triggers.
Open communication. Talk to your partner about other ways of expressing intimacy that will be comfortable for both partners.
Confronting sexual repression can be challenging, but with the support of a loving and compassionate partner, it can be easier to overcome sexual repression. Trust, respect, honesty, and open communication are essential for working through challenges and building a solid and healthy relationship.
Some people say that when you’re in a healthy relationship, everything just comes easy. Others will say that’s not exactly true — the best long-term relationships require a lot of hard work, dedication and determination.
While we can certainly all agree that no one relationship is perfect and that every relationship comes with its own set of unique challenges, it’s perhaps true that a healthy relationship takes all of these things combined with people who love, respect and support each other.
But how do you know if you can really trust that it’s true? When can you let your guard down and feel assured that your relationship is, in fact, healthy and headed for long-term territory? The psychology of love may be a bit complex, but it doesn’t have to be a brain-buster.
Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, has some tell-tale signs that you’re in it for the long haul, as well as some checks and balances you can do along the way to reassure this relationship is healthy and right for you.
What is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship at its core is centered around:
Empathy and kindness.
Reliability and commitment.
Mutual respect for boundaries.
The ability to work together as a team.
Similar values and goals.
Having similar values and goals is perhaps the turning point for most relationships, as they fundamentally fuel almost everything else that you do.
Everyone’s needs ebb and flow, based on personal experiences. For example, it might be important for someone to have a partner who’s interested in volunteering and community service, whereas in other relationships that might not be as crucial. For the person who comes from a tight-knit family and prioritizes family gatherings around the holidays, they might be faced with some difficulty dating someone who disregards the importance of family.
“There are so many things that can go into a healthy relationship and some things are so personal to each of us,” notes Duke. “The point is that there’s a reasonable amount of reliability and that you both feel as though the other person is going to prioritize you and be true to their word every step of the way.”
The unfortunate issue is that everyone doesn’t always know they’re in a healthy relationship. That’s especially true if you’ve been caught up in problematic relationships in the past and if you’ve had a hard time recognizing red flags in one.
“Relationships can sometimes feel familiar, comfortable or better than other relationships you’ve had but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy,” states Duke. “If we have a history of problematic relationships or we don’t have a secure attachment formed in childhood, we can end up moving toward what’s familiar even though it’s not healthy. And that’s where you have to be careful.”
That requires a certain level of self-reflection before starting a new relationship. But even when you’ve been dating someone for a while, the healthiest relationships keep the door open for self-reflection, build off the mistakes you’ve each learned in the past and allow everyone to confront conflict together in a safe, constructive and helpful way.
“There are going to be times in every relationship that are going to be hard, but I think it’s how you deal with it that matters,” encourages Duke. “People in a healthy relationship should put each other at ease, have a willingness to work and grow together and be respectful of each other.”
Signs you have a healthy relationship
It’s easy to get swept up off your feet in all the twists and turns a new relationship has to offer, but once you begin building a solid foundation, these key signs reinforce a long-lasting healthy relationship:
1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. — you both know what it means to each other
Setting up healthy boundaries isn’t always about drawing a line in the sand when things go south. Boundaries are good to put into place when we know crossing them would violate our mental, emotional and physical health or values. But they’re also good for establishing a level of respect for each other and for understanding the things you both feel are important.
“In a healthy relationship, you’re making space for each other, you’re making space for each other’s emotions, and making space to nurture and cultivate other aspects of each other’s lives,” Duke explains. “It’s also about being aware of your own personal boundaries.”
So, if your partner isn’t too keen on one of your friends, but that relationship is still important to you, it’s a good sign if your partner doesn’t try to prevent you from seeing them or isolate you from your friend group.
Healthy boundaries also exist in an intimate or sexual space, too. No one should ever feel pressured or ashamed when interacting with each other inside that space.
2. You trust one another and that trust is earned
“If you’ve worked through your relationship baggage and you’ve worked through your blind spots, hopefully, you come to a new relationship feeling more neutral about trusting someone else,” says Duke. “From there, you either come to trust this new person more and more over time, or you come to not trust them over time.”
And trust extends from the seemingly smallest things, like trusting someone with your emotions or allowing yourself to be vulnerable around them, as well as with making some big life decisions — like where to live and what you want your future family to look like — that will (hopefully) take you both into consideration and benefit all involved.
Long after the honeymoon phase has ended, a sign of a healthy relationship is knowing that you can rely on your partner without second guessing whether or not you can trust them. And there’s no real replacement for time when it comes to trust.
3. When the going gets tough, you find a way to communicate
“It’s kind of easy to have a relationship during the good times, but what really makes a relationship or bonds you as a couple is going through hard times together,” Duke says.
That means you want to find ways to express how you’re feeling, practice active listening when your partner is doing the same and work together to find solutions — even when you’re arguing.
“You don’t always have to see each other eye-to-eye, but you can always be both good and kind to each other and can always seek to understand the other person,” emphasizes Duke. “That’s what’s going to differentiate this relationship from another relationship that may not have a healthy longevity.”
4. You agree to disagree
In most cases, when there’s a conflict, you want to feel heard and understood and you want to come out of it feeling like the solution is a win-win for both of you, so there isn’t any lingering resentment from either side. But, going back to trust, it’s also good to disagree sometimes.
“If you can get through difficulties together, that builds trust, and the more you build that trust together, the stronger you become,” notes Duke.
So, even when you disagree about a problem or a solution, or even something mundane that happens during your day-to-day, finding a way to compromise is key.
5. You can also forgive each other
“If someone hasn’t had a positive or secure attachment in their childhood, they can end up holding grudges and find it difficult to forgive people,” explains Duke. “But there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, and forgiveness is often a sign of love.”
If you have difficulty letting go or moving beyond problems that surface, or if you have a hard time with forgiveness, cognitive behavioral therapy can help identify some of the triggers that reinforce that behavior, as well as provide coping mechanisms you can try when conflict inevitably happens again down the line.
6. You’re both committed to the relationship
Perhaps one of the most common complaints in relationships is that someone is making more effort than the other. No one likes a one-sided relationship — but how do you find a way to balance everything equally, or at least be comfortable with what everyone is giving toward the relationship?
“You can always do some reality testing,” suggests Duke. “The best way to do that is to ask yourself, ‘Is this real? Is this true? Is it accurate that I’m holding more weight than the other person?’ And another way to test it is to bring your concerns to the person and talk about it and see if they’re going to put in more effort if you need them to or if nothing’s going to change.”
However it shakes out, a healthy relationship will likely ebb and flow, with one partner making up the slack for when another person can’t, and vice-versa.
7. You’re kind to each other
This certainly feels like a no-brainer, but we probably don’t think of this one as often as we should. What exactly does kindness look like in a healthy relationship?
“Kindness looks like feeling as though you’re safe, supported and a priority to the other person,” Duke illustrates. “It looks like apologizing when you’ve made a mistake. It means active listening, as much as possible, to your partner.”
That means at every turn, it’s OK to check in with yourself and curb your anger or expectations in order to make space for a level of kindness that’s rooted in mutual respect. It’s not always going to work or even be a perfect solution, but having the intention to always be kind as much as possible is a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.
“If you’ve known someone for a long time, you’re not going to be perfectly kind all the time, but I think there should be a certain amount of mutual respect and empathy toward each other, even when you’re not having a good day,” Duke continues.
8. You enjoy each other’s company and support each other’s goals
Maybe your weekly after-work routine is composed of playing video games with each other or watching your favorite shows. For the most part, your mutual interests are aligned. But when your partner suddenly plans to run a marathon, which means they’ll have to carve out time for training, you’re still supportive of those goals and you flex your time and availability when needed.
The importance of doing things together and allowing and supporting each other’s personal growth in a healthy relationship is two-fold: It allows you both to share the things you love with each other, and it gives you the space to be supportive even when something doesn’t fully align with your own individual interests.
“There are some things that are more important to some people than others,” Duke recognizes. “For some people, it’s really important for their person to be a part of their friend group. For others, that’s not very important. So, you have to find ways to compromise with each other without feeling like it’s a struggle or a sacrifice.”
9. You’re good at making decisions together
You’re not going out and buying big household items without consulting your partner first, and you make the time for your partner’s input. Sure, this isn’t always a perfect scenario, and sometimes, we can get a bit ahead of ourselves, but like with kindness, you should view the person you’re in a relationship with as your partner — a true team member you can call in for anything good, bad or ugly.
10. You don’t dodge difficulty
Speaking of the ugly, you don’t want to avoid having difficult conversations in a healthy relationship. You want to confront issues head-on (and be kind when doing so) and find ways to express your feelings even when you know you have to talk about challenges that might put on the heat and increase the pressure.
“It’s always good to be intentional and self-reflective and to be thoughtful in a conflict,” advises Duke. “We don’t enter relationships, nor do we have to, having everything figured out because we will never have everything figured out. There does need to be a certain level of self-understanding for our relationships to be able to be healthy though, and we all have hot-button issues.”
Expressing those issues in a constructive way is paramount to making sure boundaries for everyone are put in place and respected. And finding ways to mediate conflict together can be helpful in the long run.
11. You’re comfortable in who you are and independent from your partner
“To be able to look back on previous relationships and friendships and reflect on what are the things that make you mad, what tends to hurt your feelings and what causes conflicts is really important,” says Duke.
“We can bring those things to the next relationship, and when something comes up, we can really own it and say, ‘This is an issue for me, let me help you understand why this is an issue for me,’ and work through it together.”
And this doesn’t just apply to conflict management — knowing who you are as an individual and chasing after your own personal goals and dreams are just as important because this allows you to embrace a self-love perspective that will only further enhance your relationship.
12. You’re comfortable with each other even when you’re not ‘on’
Let goblin mode commence: You don’t always have to be perfect in front of your partner, and that’s especially true in the healthiest of relationships. Part of this goes back to being kind to one another, but in a different way.
Kindness can extend to allowing you and your partner to let go of responsibility sometimes in exchange for personal development. You’ll find that when you let your guard down with one another, the healthiest of relationships allow for a different level of intimacy and understanding.
“In order to enjoy a healthy relationship, we need to be prepared to be vulnerable with one another,” says Duke. “Sometimes, this might mean sharing parts of ourselves that we feel insecure about in order to see if this relationship could have the makings of something special.”
Strategies for reassuring yourself
Self-doubt is a powerful opponent, but there are some checks and balances you can put into place to reassure you that you’re in a good place in your relationship or to define exactly what needs improving.
“One thing you can continue to check in with yourself about over time is whether or not your trust towards this person is growing,” says Duke. “Is there something you’re not getting that you need? Is there something you’re not doing that your partner needs?”
Having the occasional, even informal, discussion about how each of you is feeling in a relationship is a great tool to carry things forward, even if it’s early in a relationship. By doing so, you can make sure you’re both on the same page and working toward the same goals.
“If it’s on your mind, even if it’s something good, don’t be afraid to bring it up,” reinforces Duke. “We tend to not communicate as much as we need, and you can rarely over-communicate when it comes to how you’re feeling. Checking in with yourself and the other person to make sure you continue to have similar goals and similar values is as equally important as anything else.”
“Being unapologetically myself is radical, and an act of self-love.”
By Evan Johnson
You may not expect me, as a disabled person, to be interested in the world of leather and rope.
But, as an advocate for sex positivity, I’m here to tell you disabled people can be asexual or hypersexual, vanilla or kinky — and everything in between.
Disabled people experience the same full spectrum of desire
People are interested in kinks and fetishes — which can be broadly defined as all non-conventional acts of intimacy between consenting adults, often with a sexual connotation but not always — for a variety of reasons.
For me, I’ve found kinks provide a therapeutic effect that I can’t seem to find elsewhere. I feel connected to my body and empowered.
Sexual freedom and empowerment are positive forces for anyone, but especially in those who are desexualised and infantilised — as is so often the case with the disabled community.
As a disabled kinkster, I subvert expectations and embody roles you may not expect from someone like me, which I find powerful.
Being unapologetically myself in my identities as a kinky disabled person is radical, and an act of self-love.
As a more dominant person, I find flipping the script of “the weak disabled person who needs help and saving” to be important.
Being in the dominant position of more mobility and less pain by comparison to a partner is empowering, as I am not in this position in daily life.
And, of course, this goes for submission too. It can be empowering to be experiencing pain and mobility restriction consensually, rather than your “normal ongoing symptoms”.
I like to think of kink as a tool for pain management. If you’re so focused on receiving a different type of pain elsewhere on your body, or giving that to someone else, it’s like your “regular pains” become background noise, as researchers have explored.
Embracing the somatic experiences of letting go, being vulnerable and trusting in your body can feel healing — especially when you don’t feel so connected to your physical body.
Fetishisation of disabled people is a real issue that can be destructive for the disability community – and as with all sex acts, it’s important fetishes are only acted upon with the enthusiastic consent of those involved. (Also, kinks aren’t for everyone. And if they’re not your thing, that’s perfectly fine!)
But, personally, I’ve found kink can also be a whole-body somatic experience. Pleasure does not have to be limited to the genitals. This may be particularly important to those with certain disabilities where sensation and other factors may be altered.
“Ultimately, living with disability doesn’t have to define who you are and what you can be interested in.”
I’ve also found a sense of community through kink, learning firsthand that online or in-person communities can be a great source of information, advice and friendships.
I would not be where I am today — as a proud, disabled, sex positivity advocate — if it weren’t for the amazing people I’ve met in local Adelaide leather and fetish groups.
Communicate thoroughly, and other golden rules
For those curious about exploring the world of kinks, a good starting point is to read or watch content around consent and what you’re interested in, with a focus on safety and harm reduction.
A golden rule is: remember to start gently and communicate thoroughly with all involved.
Living with disability often means we must go about things in different ways — and luckily, there’s a wide variety of aids and toys that can help you engage in what interests you.
From positioning aids like sex swings and wedges, to long-handled toys and hands-free devices, there are infinite ways to ensure that no matter what your ability is, you can still have sex that is meaningful to you.
Ultimately, living with disability doesn’t have to define who you are and what you can be interested in.
Whether kinks interest you or not, I hope your experience of sexuality is empowering and a pleasurable experience for you.
You deserve it — no matter what your abilities are.
Gender-affirming generally refers to the medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. to help align their gender identity with their outward appearance and improve their overall well-being.
This type of care can include socially transitioning by changing one’s name, pronouns or way of presenting; puberty blockers; gender-affirming hormone therapy; and gender-affirming surgeries.
At least 30 states have introduced or are considering laws that restrict access to gender-affirming care.
Gender-affirming care has been the subject of much debate in legislatures around the country in recent months, leading to countless misconceptions and myths about what it actually entails and who it’s for.<
According to a report from The Williams Institute, 30 states had introduced or were considering laws to restrict access to gender-affirming care as of March 2023. The result is 146,300 transgender youth who have lost or are at risk of losing access to gender-affirming care. Several bans proposed in 2023 would also limit access to care for those up to age 26.
“Gender-affirming care is considered life-saving,” said Rebecca Minor, MSW, LICSW, a gender specialist and therapist who provides gender-affirming care. “It plays a crucial role in improving the mental health, well-being, and overall quality of life for transgender, non-binary, and gender diverse individuals.”
What Does Gender-Affirming Care Involve?
Gender-affirming care refers to medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive, Minor explained. The goal of gender-affirming care is to assist individuals in aligning their sense of self with their outward appearance and to improve their overall well-being.
“Gender-affirming care means different things for different people,” Uri Belkind, MD, a pediatric medicine specialist who works in adolescent medicine at the New York-based LGBTQ+ health center Callen-Lorde, told Verywell. “It is not a specific process, but rather a collection of tools from which we can select to better fit the individual’s goals and needs.”
One aspect of gender-affirming care requires no medical intervention but instead involves transitioning socially. This may include changing one’s name and pronouns, and dressing or presenting in a way that affirms their gender identity, according to Sean Arayasirikul, PhD, an associate professor in residence of health, society, and behavior at the University of California, Irvine.
Beyond socially transitioning, there are three general medical options available when it comes to gender-affirming care, Belkind said, adding that some people may want or need all of them, while some may find happiness and well-being with only some. These include puberty blockers, gender-affirming hormone therapy, and gender-affirming procedures.
Puberty blockers are for younger patients who are entering puberty and are finding the changes their bodies are going through to be distressing. To access this kind of care, these patients must have shown insistent, persistent, and consistent identification with a gender that is different than their sex assigned at birth.
“This allows us to temporarily ‘pause’ these changes while the young person, with support from their family, further explores their needs and gains a better understanding of what is possible, medically speaking, and what it entails,” Belkind said.
Gender-affirming hormone therapy, on the other hand, refers to the process of using either estrogen or testosterone to promote certain physical changes and to inhibit others, Belkind said.
Gender-affirming procedures, both surgical and non-surgical, change certain physical characteristics that may not otherwise be modified with the use of hormone therapy. Belkind said these may include chest masculinization, facial feminization, permanent hair removal or hair grafting, and genital surgeries such as vaginoplasty or phalloplasty.
“One common misconception is that gender-affirming procedures are regulated only for trans and gender expansive people and that these procedures are experimental, lacking solid medical evidence,” Arayasirikul said.
In reality, cisgender people—or people who are not trans—also choose to undergo gender-affirming procedures to affirm their identity, Arayasirikul explained. This may include a breast augmentation, a mastectomy for gynecomastia, a hair transplant, a rhinoplasty, liposuction, facial fillers, or hormone therapy.
“These procedures and so many more are part of the health care of cisgender people,” Arayasirikul said. “Yet this same care is actively being criminalized for trans and gender-expansive people solely because they are different.”
Can People of All Ages Receive Gender-Affirming Care?
In states where gender-affirming care is not criminalized, trans youth can access puberty blockers to delay the onset of puberty and cross-sex hormones to develop their bodies in ways that align with their gender identity.
“Typically, gender-affirming surgeries are utilized by adults, not children,” Arayasirikul said.
And yet, much of the uproar surrounding gender-affirming care in the U.S. has been surrounding the subject of children undergoing surgery.
According to Belkind, some patients choose to start puberty blockers once puberty begins, while other patients may only begin to seek medical advice after puberty or much later into adulthood.
“It is important to note that, for children who strongly identify with a gender identity that is different from their sex assigned at birth, there are no medical interventions needed before puberty begins and only then do we consider the use of puberty blockers, if needed,” Belkind said.
Medical interventions always happen after a thorough evaluation of the patient’s needs, Belkind added.
Why Gender-Affirming Care Is Necessary
Gender-affirming care helps to reduce gender dysphoria, which is the distress an individual may experience when their gender identity does not align with their assigned sex at birth, Minor said.<
“Gender-affirming care, such as hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgeries, can help alleviate gender dysphoria by allowing individuals to align their physical appearance with their gender identity” she said. “This reduction in distress and discomfort can have a significant positive impact on mental health and overall well-being.”
Trans and gender-diverse individuals often face higher rates of mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.1 Gender-affirming care, combined with mental health support, can help reduce these risks by providing individuals with the tools, resources, and interventions needed to alleviate distress and promote a positive self-image, Minor said.
According to one recent study, providing trans and non-binary youths aged 13 to 20 years with gender-affirming care, including puberty blockers and gender-affirming hormones, lowered their risk of developing moderate or severe depression by 60% and lowered suicidality by 73% over a 12-month follow-up.2
Another study found that gender-affirming surgeries were associated with a 42% reduction in psychological distress and a 44% reduction in suicidal ideation when compared with transgender and gender-diverse people who had not had gender-affirming surgery but wanted it.3
“Gender-affirming care allows individuals to express their gender identity authentically, promoting self-acceptance and improved self-esteem,” Minor said. “By aligning their physical appearance, social interactions, and personal identity, individuals can develop a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, leading to improved mental health outcomes.”
Additionally, gender-affirming care often includes support groups, peer networks, and counseling services that provide a safe and inclusive environment for individuals to connect, share experiences, and receive emotional support, Minor said. These social support systems, she said, are critical in combating feelings of isolation and promoting healthy relationships.
This kind of care can help combat the societal discrimination, stigma, and marginalization transgender and gender-diverse individuals often face. Minor said gender-affirming care can empower individuals to assert their rights, advocate for themselves, and challenge discriminatory practices.
“By affirming their gender identity, individuals can experience improved resilience, reduced psychological distress, and increased social acceptance,” she said.
As a parent, your child’s physical and emotional safety is likely your highest priority. While sexual health is a huge component of this, many parents don’t know how to support their teen’s sexual well-being. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, and oftentimes parents don’t feel as if they have the proper support to talk to their teens about sexual health. Enter “The Big Sex Talk,” or simply “The Talk.”
No matter where the hesitation lies, there are experts and research that’ll help you support your teen to make informed and healthy decisions about sexual health.
Why is it so important to have “The Talk” anyway?
Young people need accurate information about sex, whether oral, anal or vaginal sex, in order to make safe, healthy and informed decisions.
Extensive research indicates young people who do not have accurate information about their sexual health are more likely to experiment with sex at younger ages than ones who do.
Even some information is better than none. When teens are able to talk with a parent or caregiver about safer sex, they are less likely to have unprotected sex.
There is a wealth of research that shows talking to your teen about sex and healthy relationships is one of the most important elements to help them make informed and healthy decisions.
“Talking to your teen about sex is important because without receiving information from you, it’s likely that they’ll encounter false and unsafe information about sex on social media, which can lead to making decisions that they do not understand the outcome of,” Herman explained.
“Add this to the fact that sex education in school has decreased since the 1990s, and we have a major problem,” she added. “It’s really important to talk to your teen about what is healthy, what is normal, what is safe. And what is going to happen when they don’t have good reliable sources for that information in their schools like they used to, or from their care providers? Their main source is social media.”
In addition, having conversations with your teen about sexual contact shows them you are a trusted person they can come to, Evans noted.
“Research has been telling us for decades that teens prefer to get information about sex from their parents and other trusted adults in their lives,” said Erica M. Butler, M.Ed., founder of Happ E. SexTalk, LLC in Columbus, Ohio, and creator of HAPPERMATIONS, sex-positive affirmation cards for toddlers. “The disconnect is that parents don’t know how to talk about it (or don’t want to) and teens definitely don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like they’ll get in trouble.”
How do you prepare to have ‘The Talk?’
If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone. Talking about sex can prove challenging, uncomfortable and overwhelming. When many parents today recall if they received accurate and adequate information about sex and healthy relationships from their own parents as a teen, the overwhelming response is: no.
It can be hard to know how to handle these conversations when you have no personal experience with your own parents or caregivers. And it can also be difficult if your own discomfort about sex is because it was ignored or not treated respectfully in your household growing up.
We asked experts how parents can best prepare to have “The Talk” with their teens:
1. Start with yourself
“I always tell parents to start with themselves,” said Rosalia Rivera, a consent educator and child sexual abuse prevention specialist in Canada. “I encourage them to reflect and journal on their own beliefs, values and ideas about sex and relationships.”
Butler said parents need to think back to their years as a teen and how topics connected to sex were addressed in their family.
“Did they feel supported or like they could ask questions openly? How did that make them feel and how would they want to change that for their teen?” Butler said. “The more we can unlearn our own shame and guilt through our experiences, the better equipped we’ll be to have these conversations with our kids.”
2. Do the research
“Parents and caregivers can prepare themselves for this conversation by first making sure the information they provide is accurate,” Evans said.
Having accurate information, as well as age-appropriate information, is crucial, and there are a number of ways you can ensure this.
Herman recommends starting with an internet search.
“A parent or caregiver can prepare themselves for this conversation by doing the ‘poking around’ on the internet that their teenager can’t do,” Herman said. “Teenagers don’t know how to sift through good information or bad information. So a parent or caregiver can hop [online] and do this for them.”
3. Find additional resources
In addition to finding accurate, age-appropriate information on the internet, there are several organizations and adolescent sexual health professionals who have resources designed specifically to help parents and caregivers talk with their teens about sex.
Amaze.org is another popular organization that provides parents with the tools and evidence-informed information they need to have conversations about sex with their teens.
Additionally, there are sexuality professionals such as Herman, Rivera and Butler, or Nadine Thornhill, Ed.D., for example, who are all specialized in helping caregivers support their teens with accurate information about sex and relationships.
4. Be willing to say ‘I don’t know’
While having accurate information to share with your teen is important, you don’t need to know everything. Before you try to learn about adolescent sexual health, remember it’s OK, and fairly important to admit when you don’t have the answer.
“Be OK with not knowing the answer to their question,” Butler said. “It’s impossible to know everything and remember you didn’t get great sex ed while growing up either, so there’s a lot we don’t know.”
Herman also stressed how important this is. If your teen asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, or you’re unsure how to explain it best, she said, “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know but I want to find out together.'”
5. Remember, ‘The Talk’ isn’t just one talk
While many caregivers would be relieved if just one conversation about sex and healthy relationships was enough, that’s not the case. Preparing your teen to make informed, healthy and safe decisions about sexuality and relationships takes more than a single conversation.
“People like myself who specialize in adolescent sexual health education, are really trying to move away from the entire concept of having ‘The Talk’ because having one talk is going to be uncomfortable, awkward, really weird and maybe not effective depending on the relationship they have with their kid,” Herman said.
“[Your teen] might get so dysregulated that they have to check out of the conversation. And you get so uncomfortable that nothing really happens. So people like myself, who are specialized in adolescent sex education, are really encouraging parents to start conversations early, have them often, keep them brief and keep them casual.”
For example, Herman said, you can have a brief and casual conversation by noticing something on TV or in a magazine and saying “What do you think about that?”
“Maybe you see a picture on social media of somebody wearing period underwear and you ask your kids ‘Hey, do you know about period underwear?’ or ‘What do you know about periods so far?’ and you talk for five minutes and then you move on,” Herman said.
6. Understanding ‘The Talk’ isn’t solely about sex
In addition to having more than one “talk,” it’s vital to remember these conversations aren’t just about sex. Parents and caregivers often think “The Talk” means teaching your teen strictly about STDs/STIs and pregnancy.
While these topics are important, they are small elements of what it means to provide your teen with adequate and accurate information to make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.
When parents and caregivers believe conversations are limited to just STDs/STIs and pregnancy, it can make the conversation feel even more intimidating and uncomfortable.
Prepare your teen with the information they need, which includes talking about topics such as rejection, how to understand your body boundaries and communicate them, learning what safe and unsafe touch is, puberty, breakups and internet safety.
7. Learn to stay calm
Giving your teen the information they need to succeed and create safe, healthy relationships and sexual experiences isn’t just about the facts you share, it’s also about how you share them.
“The No. 1 strategy I would recommend for a parent or caregiver preparing to have this conversation is to make sure that they themselves go into the conversation calm and regulated,” Herman said. “People are very sensitive, and kids especially are really sensitive to the energy you’re putting out.
“If you’re stressed out, if you’re radiating anger or fear, or defensiveness, they’re going to pick up on that. They’re going to start responding to that even before anyone has exchanged any words. So, do what you need to do to make sure that your body and your brain and your breath are calm before you go into that conversation.”
Go for a walk, practice deep breathing or call a friend and vent, Herman recommended. Taking an honest look at your own attitudes about sexuality, as Rivera and Butler mentioned, will help with this, too.
If you enter the conversation with your own discomfort about periods because you haven’t processed how periods were talked about in your household growing up, your teen will hear that in whatever you decide to tell them.
Take the time to journal, talk to a friend, or work with a coach or therapist. The goal is to enter conversations with your teen in a way that’s not defensive or guarded. Your script should be regulated, but allow for curious teens to ask whatever questions they have.
In fact, for some parents, it can be a relief to know the most important thing isn’t always knowing the facts or having the answer, but bringing a non-judgmental and open attitude to the conversation.
While topics like sex and relationships can be an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting, start by taking a look at the feelings that arise for you as you’re finding the resources and information you need to feel prepared.
Your teen needs accurate information about sex and an open, non-judgmental attitude in order to make informed, safe and healthy sexual decisions. You may end up enjoying how close this process allows you to become with your teen, especially as they start to share other aspects of their lives, hoping for your input.
You’re about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.
The sex simply wasn’t very good.
Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can’t help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.
It’s 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There’s a good chance you’ll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have “bad” sex.
How is it possible?
Attitudes about sex over time
Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.
“Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing,” said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. “A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality.”
She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.
“What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful,” she said. “Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction.”
People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.
“It’s crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter,” she said. “Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else.”
Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there’s no such thing as “bad” sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.
Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.
“As such, ‘bad’ sex can be all situations where individuals aren’t receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners,” she explained.
Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing “good” sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.
‘Good’ and ‘bad’ sex today
Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it’s not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren’t immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they’d had.
The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.
“Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don’t know what they don’t know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is,” she said.
Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.
“Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn’t true here,” Rivers explained. “We project how we are onto other people.”
Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.
“Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person’s mental, emotional and physical health,” she said.
Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:
Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other “I love you”)
Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
Reduce stress, anxiety and depression
With all those benefits, finding out why you aren’t enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.
Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.
Talk dirty to me
Experts noted that the process of transforming “bad” sex into “good” sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it’s never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.
For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.
“The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable,” she said.
“Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency,” Muratore explained. “Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they’ll solve your problems.”
If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.
Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—”you always” or “you never”—and accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.
The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner’s likes and preferences, too.
“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship,” Muratore said. “However, each person’s sex needs to be considered.”
Story noted that it’s never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.
“By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all,” she said.
5 books explore why we don’t have to tolerate ‘bad sex,’ and what it means to have loving connections with no sex at all
By Julie Kliegman
Sex therapist Ruth Westheimer once said, when asked about the possibility of a “sex recession”: “Here is an activity that is free, here … is an activity that makes people happy, and what’s the matter with all of you not to engage in it?” Like Dr. Ruth’s dozens of books, most literature on the topic presumes that sexual attraction and desire do, in fact, exist in everyone, that sex is therefore a critical part of everyone’s life, and that there must be something wrong with people who don’t have it. Self-help resources like “The Joy of Sex,” mountains of Cosmopolitan tips and even the work of popular queer writers like Dan Savage focus on how to parlay that attraction and desire into satisfying, meaningful sex. There is something of a Freudian quality at play: the pervasive idea that sex is a critical part of fostering intimacy and personal attachment.
But for many, that’s not reality. “It’s almost like there’s a slow-moving unorganized sex strike of people who can’t find good partners or don’t desire relationships and are just opting out instead,” one 28-year-old tells Maria Yagoda in “Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” (St. Martin’s, $27). Yagoda’s fresh book is the latest entry in a subgenre that seeks to illuminate whypeople may not be enjoying the sex they’re having or, in some cases, why they might be choosing not to have sex at all.
“Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” by Maria Yagoda
In “Laid and Confused,” Yagoda chronicles her quest to understand why she and Americans writ large have historically consented to unsatisfying sex. It excels as creative reportage, as Yagoda — who briefly quotes me in her book as a source on asexuality — gamely chats with sex therapists and sex toy creators alike. She keeps an open mind about improvement in her own life and offers tips to readers who may be in the same boat.
Editor and sex columnist Nona Willis Aronowitz explores similar themes in her 2022 book, “Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” (Plume, $28), a multigenerational memoir and manifesto that weaves together her own thoughts and feelings around sex and romance with those of her late mother, the feminist writer Ellen Willis. Specifically, Aronowitz recounts her marriage and divorce, including her reluctance to break up with her husband (in part) on the basis of what she considered bad sex.
“Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen
In “Ace,” Chen, an acquaintance of mine in ace — short for “asexual” — circles, dives into what life is like for people who do not experience sexual attraction, but also how asexuality can be used as a framework for reevaluating all types of platonic and romantic relationships, as well as one’s sense of self. In a particularly compelling chapter, she challenges the way most people, consciously or not, arrange their lives around a hierarchy in which romantic and sexual relationships, especially marriages, are valued above all else, emotionally and legally.
Asexuality (albeit often known by other names) is not a new orientation by any stretch — in fact, evidence of people’s lack of sexual attraction goes back centuries. But in the digital era, asexuality has gained more recognition, in part because of Julie Sondra Decker’s 2014 book, “The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality” (Skyhorse, $16.99, paperback). Chen, Brown, Costello and Kaszyca all build off Decker’s resource to present a more nuanced way of thinking about sex. The proliferation of these and similar books is also a long-overdue acknowledgment by the publishing world that topics related to asexuality and the deprioritization of sex will interest asexual and allosexual readers alike.
“Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” by Nona Willis Aronowitz
As Brown’s title, “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality,” indicates, questioning and ultimately casting aside “compulsory sexuality” is a huge theme of their work. The term is a riff on “compulsory heterosexuality,” the idea that societal norms force a politically constructed heterosexuality on everyone from birth — those who identify as straight and those who know they don’t fit that bill. “Asexuality exists as a refusal of compulsory sexuality, in defiance of cisheteropatriarchal mandates, and as an opportunity to deeply interrogate how sexual scripts connect with and inform conceptions of gender and race,” Brown writes. Their book pays particular attention to the way Black people are cast aside or maligned in conversations about (a)sexuality, and how the very idea of sexuality in the West is interlaced with anti-Blackness and white supremacy. Most public leaders of the asexual movement are White, but there’s room aplenty within the aspec lens (aspec is short for “asexual spectrum”) to broaden our understanding of who can be ace (anyone) and who in the community faces the most oppression (Black people, especially those who are gender-nonconforming).
As Costello and Kaszyca, creators of a podcast called “Sounds Fake but Okay,” write in their conversational book of the same name, the aspec lens is in part about “decentering the romantic-sexual relationship in our broader conversations about human connection.” It considers the flaws of putting romantic and sexual attraction at the top of our collective and personal hierarchies of needs, even at the expense of biological and chosen family, platonic friendships, and self-care. The aspec lens, Costello and Kaszyca warn, can make everything seem tinged with hopelessness, but it also offers a way to see our surroundings as they can be: beyond what was dictated in sex education classes, modeled by family members or portrayed in pop culture.
By questioning why we go through the motions of sex we don’t find rewarding, we can start to demystify the grip that compulsory sexuality has over our lives. Whether or not the readers who pick up these titles are asexual, there’s a lot to be learned about the merits of taking a step back from sex to reevaluate its place on a societal — and, in many cases, a personal — pedestal.
Caitlin didn’t set out to become celibate – at least not in the beginning. Three years ago, she was coming out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t ready to meet someone else. Then Covid happened, and the lockdowns made it impossible anyway. “I thought during that time I needed space to heal and reflect on what I’d been through,” she says. Towards the end of 2020, the 23-year-old artist started therapy. “I realised if I was going to be sexually active, I needed someone who would understand my past, and where I was coming from. I don’t want to be with someone unless I know it’s committed, and I’m not in a rush to find that.”
She had been on dating apps, but found it hard to meet men who wanted a relationship, rather than just sex. “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared. It’s tricky when a lot of dating is around hook-up culture, which I’m not interested in.”
Caitlin’s celibacy, three years in now, became intentional. She hasn’t missed sex itself, she says, and certainly not casual sex, although sometimes, “seeing people in relationships and having healthy sex lives, can make me go: ‘Why don’t I have that?’” But it has had unintentional benefits. “It’s taught me more about what I enjoy in sex, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to put me at a disadvantage, but I feel a lot more confident in my own sexuality.” While sex with someone else is out, masturbation is still in, and she says her libido has increased. “I think because exploring different things without dealing with another person has allowed me to find what I enjoy.” It has also made her more relaxed about finding a relationship (or not). “I’ve got other things to focus on. It’s if someone fits into my life rather than me needing to make room for them.”
On TikTok, voluntary or intentional celibacy has become a trend – the #celibacy hashtag has had more than 195m views – with those who practise it claiming it has improved their focus, mental health and energy. In January, it was reported that there was a 90% increase in Google searches for celibacy that month.
“This coincides with a long‑term trend among people today, in general, having less sex with fewer partners,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast. “Humans are increasingly less sexually active, with some forgoing sex altogether.” Study after study of sexual behaviour, in different countries, show this. The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 16% of men and 22% of women aged 16 to 74 were sexually inactive, and for most of them, it wasn’t a problem. While the authors noted the documented wellbeing benefits of a satisfying sex life, of those who had previously had sexual experience, the majority were not dissatisfied with their situation (around a third of men, and a quarter of women reported they were dissatisfied, although age had an effect, with younger people more dissatisfied than older people). The Natsal data is more than 10 years old, though, and its authors noted in a 2019 paper on the sexually inactive how little is known about them.
The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in the US found that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity (partnered and alone), from 28.8% to 44.2% of young men and from 49.5% to 74% of young women. In one interview, the study’s authors raised several possible contributing factors, including gaming and social media taking time and precedence, more awareness of asexuality as an identity, a decline in alcohol use, an increase in “rough sex” practices such as choking that may be frightening or off-putting to many, and lower incomes.
Voluntary celibacy in the US, where Lehmiller is based, seems to have more links to religion than it does in the UK. Furthermore, he says, “in this #MeToo and post-Roe era [with the rollback of reproductive rights] we find ourselves in, the perceived risks associated with sex are higher, particularly for women. And, when you factor in the orgasm gap and the fact that women’s pleasure still isn’t on a par with men’s, some women are asking themselves whether sex is even worth it. If you see it as a high-risk, low-reward kind of thing, you might decide you’re better off without it.”
He suggests that celibacy, for some, may be part of “the growing trend towards delayed adulthood. Individuals might see sex and relationships as distractions, or as not having much point until they’ve found stability in other life circumstances.” The pressures of studying, establishing a career or saving for a home may take priority. While voluntary celibacy seems less popular among non‑religious heterosexual men, some have talked online about intentional celibacy providing more focus for their careers, with sex being a distraction.
For those who are dating, apps have changed the way many people find partners, but as Lehmiller points out, online dating is an arena “where there’s a lot of toxic behaviour, brutal rejection and feelings of intense competition for mates. It can make sex and relationships feel like a high-stress, high-stakes thing. Some people may find that taking a pause from that is good for their mental health.”
While celibacy is for many a positive personal choice, it can also be viewed as the result of, or a reaction against, a messed-up sexual culture, just as some of the second wave feminists chose political lesbianism decades ago. Last year, the “femcel”, or “female involuntary celibate”, went mainstream. “They feel the same sense of ‘humiliation and exclusion’ that ‘incels’ do,” as a piece in the Atlantic put it, “but they react to those feelings differently.”
Unlike the notorious misogynistic incels who blame women for not wanting to have sex with them, femcels posting in online groups tend to blame their celibacy on the soul-destroying sexual landscape and a society that, for all its hollow talk of “body positivity”, is still obsessed with looks and beauty conventions.
Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, says that many young heterosexual women “now feel as if they have to run the gauntlet of hook-up culture if they want to have any kind of sexual relationship. I think a lot of them, quite fairly, would rather not have any sexual relationship at all.” The influence and availability of pornography, she adds, “has had a really destructive effect on sexual culture.” She says surveys show that “most women don’t get that much out of casual sex. The problem is, because our sexual culture is so oriented towards a more masculine style of sexuality, a lot of young women in particular don’t feel as if they are able to demand commitment from their partners. Increasing numbers are opting out of the sexual culture altogether.”
It’s naive, she says, to think you can simply choose to avoid pornography and casual sex if you’re sexually active, “because the nature of sex in general, and social relationships, is that they’re networked – you have sex with people who have sex with other people, who watch porn. Even if you choose not to do that, other people do it, and it changes the culture. I think that, particularly in young people, who are super-sensitive to what other people think about them, the default setting now is to have pornified, casual sex.” For some people, opting out might feel like their only option.
Not that voluntary celibacy has just been invented. Stephen gave up sex more than 20 years ago, when he had just turned 40. “I’d become disillusioned with the gay scene, and too much casual sex with strangers. While I was in my 20s it could be fun, but most of the time, when I had sex with someone I’d just met, I was always hoping it was going to be more than just the one night. I was hoping for a relationship.” The last time he had sex, he contracted syphilis, which was the final straw.
A year or so ago, now in his early 60s, Stephen thought he might make another attempt at a sex life. “I gave Grindr a go, and that was quite an eye-opener.” The dating scene had changed in his decades of celibacy, with apps making casual hook-ups even easier, and he says he was alarmed by the number of people who wanted to have sex while taking drugs. He went on three dates with different men. “We did a bit of touching and kissing, but when it came to going any further, each time I said: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Now I’ve put myself back on the shelf. Most of the sex I’ve ever had, I wish I hadn’t bothered. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it just seems so much effort for something that’s over quickly. Looking back, it’s all very disappointing.”
He has missed intimacy, but companionship and affection have come from friends and his dogs. He is still open to being in a relationship, he says, and hasn’t lost his sex drive, but he thinks he is unlikely to meet someone now. “I’d need to have sex with someone I’ve known, even just for a few weeks, or a few days, instead of with someone whose name you can’t quite remember. An intimate but non-sexual relationship might be the best for me. It would be nice to lie in bed with someone, be an old married couple from the start.”
Celibacy, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice for Relate, “works when it works, and it doesn’t work when it doesn’t work. A lot of this comes down to: is this something that you feel is important to you, and you’re doing it for you? Or is it something that you feel is imposed on you, for reasons that might be very difficult? Like you’ve had a period without a partner, or you’ve gone through a period of ill health, whether mental or physical.” If it hasn’t been a positive choice, she says, it could “cause people to feel potentially unloved and uncared for”.
It can also raise problems, unsurprisingly, in relationships where one partner wants to follow a celibate lifestyle, but the other doesn’t. In that situation, you have to be willing to have a potentially difficult conversation about what it means for your relationship. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex, “but it’s not for everyone”, she says. “Celibacy can be a conscious decision, or it may be something that you just gently morph into and that also feels OK for you.” Major suggests asking yourself what celibacy brings to your life. “Are you cutting yourself off from sex, or are you cutting yourself off from intimacy? Are they the same for you? Can you be intimate while being celibate?”
It can certainly have benefits in a variety of situations, she says. “It’s not unusual for people after the breakup of a relationship, or periods of a lot of sexual activity, to take a step back and think: ‘I need to do some self-care, which involves taking myself out of this sexual arena at the moment. I will engage with it again at some point, but this is time to think about what I want to do next.’ Which may be to maintain celibacy, or it may be to engage with an intimate partner or several partners.”
Without her period of intentional celibacy a few years ago, after a breakup, Kelly Jenner believes she wouldn’t have changed her relationship patterns for the better. “I went for men who were very unavailable,” she says. “Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – I’ve got clear boundaries, we have healthy conversations, whereas I never had that before I did intentional celibacy.” Now a breakup recovery coach, Jenner often recommends a period of celibacy to others. How long it lasts is less important, she thinks, than the intention; simply a sexless period between partners doesn’t necessarily come with the same benefits. “The intention changes your whole mindset around dating.”
For Hope Flynn, 31, head of content for iPlaySafe, a home-testing STI kit and app, her eight-month stretch of celibacy – she had been having sex about three times a week, so it was intentional rather than a mere dry spell – was about resetting her attitudes to sex. “I really enjoy sex, but I started to notice I was using it in the wrong way,” she says. She was going through a difficult time – she was trying to launch a business and had experienced a couple of bereavements – and would seek no-strings sex as a distraction and for comfort.
“It wasn’t really doing anything for me, other than making me feel as if I was making wrong decisions. I had to put the brakes on it for a few months, and focus on myself and making myself feel better.” It was sometimes difficult, she says. “It was lonely at times, and I felt like I was being my own fun police, but it was needed.”
Earlier this year, she had another period of abstention – this time from pornography and masturbation, because she felt that had got out of control. “I wanted to have a better relationship with porn, and use my own imagination a bit more.” Both sexual breaks helped her focus on other areas of her life by removing sex as a distraction, and it made her appreciate sex more when she started being intimate again. “When I was having sex so regularly, it just becomes something that you do, but it was nice to have that break and make it special again.”
Today sees the launch of our new sex column, where couples talk openly about what goes on in their bedroom. But honest communication about sex is hard. Here’s how to get better at it
For many, sex is something easier done than talked about, especially when it comes to our romantic partners. Guardian researcher Kitty Drake came across this a lot while conducting anonymous interviews for our new column featuring couples opening up about their sex lives: people were more concerned about their partner knowing what they thought about their sex life than they were about their sex life appearing in a national newspaper.
“One woman explained it to me,” says Drake. “I was trying to address her anxiety and said, ‘No one will know it is you.’ And she said: ‘But the only person I really don’t want to know what I think of my husband’s lovemaking skills is my husband. And he’s the only one I won’t be anonymous to.”
But the exact reasons behind our struggle to be honest about sex with our partners – whether it’s saying what feels nice and what you’d like more of, or worries that sex is fading from the relationship – are often complicated, and cannot just be explained away by theories of being too uptight, or too polite (a condition also known as being “too British”).
Such struggles are “very common,” says Silva Neves, a sexologist and counsellor. “People are afraid to be shamed for their turn-ons, and afraid their partner might think they’re weird and leave them.”
Fiona Robertson, who has been married for 15 years, agrees: “I think we’re conditioned not to admit to sexual dissatisfaction as it’s some sort of commentary on our beloved partner.”
For the first years of their marriage, Fiona and her husband Malcolm, both 35, had no problem talking about sex – not least because there was no shortage of it. But over the years, as the honeymoon period faded, discussions became fraught. “An added complication is that I’m bisexual, so I think he always had this sense that he couldn’t give me everything I needed,” she says. “Yet after we did open up our marriage, it suddenly became super easy to talk about sex again, because the fear that if we spoke we’d uncover something fatal to our marriage was gone.”
This sort of openness is reflected in a 2022 study, which found that the vast majority of British and American couples surveyed were honest about their sexual satisfaction, and would want their partner to be so too (this is especially true of men). But dig a little deeper and the same survey found that 54% of women admit to faking orgasm, while more than a fifth of men were not honest about how many previous sexual partners they’d had.
But it’s not so simple to say honesty is always the best policy. A 2014 study found that some “pro-social” lies, such as saying you like a gift you actually don’t, may help strengthen bonds.
That said, communication about turn-ons and turn-offs can improve people’s pleasure in the bedroom, and better sex makes for happier couples. In short: it’s about better rather than more communication. So what do we need to talk about?
“Low libido in women is commonly presented as a problem in need of a solution, when in fact fluctuations are absolutely normal,” says Laura McNaught, a psychosexual therapist. And desire itself is complicated. “Sexologists used to think that the human arousal cycle started with desire – feeling horny,” says McNaught. “After that comes arousal, then orgasm, then the comedown ‘refractory’ period.
“This belief has caused a lot of worry, especially in women, when a few years into the relationship they say their libido has gone. But that kind of desire is what we now call ‘spontaneous desire’, and only some people experience it in long-term relationships.” The other desire, he says, is “responsive desire”.
“That’s about having positive intent, so wanting to have sex because it feels good and brings you closer emotionally, and then doing the physical act to bring on arousal. After that comes the desire.”
What about common concerns for men? “Many men get their sense of self-worth from being competent, so hearing that they aren’t ‘competent’ in bed can feel like a dagger to the heart,” she says.
Neves agrees: “Men struggle with the myth of masculinity, which says they have to be good lovers at all times, and have to take charge in the bedroom. Unreliable erections equates to weakness.”
Then, regardless of gender, there’s the issue of what Neves calls “myths and unhelpful messages about sex”. These messages can come from all sorts of places, from pornography to religion, and can often leave people asking, “Is this how it was supposed to be?”
Being honest about sex isn’t only about technique – the “how you touch, where you touch”, says McNaught, “but an overall understanding of how your own sexuality works”.
Darryl Paxman, 40, has been with his partner for five years and they have a one-year-old child together. Paxman says the sex with his partner was always great, and he always found her attractive – although naturally, when their child arrived the sex was less frequent. Plus, secretly Paxman says he was “addicted to porn”.
One day his partner discovered the porn on his computer. Some of it was extreme; some of it was stuff she was into herself. Seeing it opened the door to several conversations, about Paxman’s difficult childhood with a mentally ill parent, but also their own turn-ons and desire. Paxman eventually enrolled into Sex Addicts Anonymous and has since given up porn completely. He says the sex between him and his partner has never been better and that they have never been closer. “It makes me quite sad that if I hadn’t gotten so into porn, I would’ve enjoyed sex so much more.”
Ultimately every relationship is different, and every person has needs and wants that change over time. “All sexual relationships are about the art of compromise. And that’s why communication is so important,” says McNaught. “Sometimes the issue is a simple lack of vocabulary. In the consulting room I hear euphemisms like ‘down below’ for genitals, or ‘rumpy-pumpy’ for sex, because that’s what they know.”
Finding the words to express yourself the way you want can take time. So even if they don’t come easily, it’s important to remember that this isn’t a sign the relationship is doomed – rather it’s just something to be worked on. “If your partner is a good person with matching values to yours, reliable when life is stressful, giving you a hug when you’re sad, and a good laugh, that’s pretty good,” says Neves. “If they’re not the sex God of your dreams it’s OK … You can still spice up your sex life with good communication.”
— New York Magazine’s “Sex Diaries” series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. The column, which began in 2007, is the basis of a new docuseries on HBO.
This week, a landscape architect goes on a few questionable dates and wonders how to zhuzh up her sex life: 45, married, New York.
DAY ONE
6:20 a.m. Our daughter wanders into our room for morning cuddles. My husband, Howie, snuggles with her for a little while. I get up and put coffee on.
7:15 a.m. Our son is now awake. We all have breakfast — cereal and waffles. I pack the kids’ backpacks and Howie takes them to elementary school.
9:30 a.m. Finally, I have a moment to myself and check my phone. Howie and I are in an open marriage. We don’t have a sexual relationship — he mostly sleeps with gay men, and I’m bisexual. We met at a gay bar about eight years ago and became the best of friends. We got pregnant via IVF and then decided to get married and co-parent together because we love each other and wanted to be a family unit. We just outsource our sex lives!
Anyway, Thea, a woman I met on Hinge, has texted about a drink tomorrow night. I have to check my schedule with Howie, so I don’t write back.
2 p.m. I jump in my car and head to the Hamptons for a meeting with a new client. I’m a landscape architect and do projects in the Hamptons and upstate New York, so I’m on the road a lot. On the way, I listen to music — a hip-hop playlist Howie made for me.
6 p.m. The meeting went well. I think they’re going to hire me. I start the drive back to the city.
9 p.m. By the time I get home, the entire house is asleep, including Howie, so I get on the couch and do some flirting on the apps. I confirm a drink with Thea for tomorrow and tell a guy named Paulo that I’d be down for a coffee the next day.
9:30 p.m. It occurs to me that I haven’t had really great sex with anyone in months. My last hookup was with a woman visiting for a week from London. We got drunk on spicy margaritas and went crazy on each other at her hotel room. I need something like that soon and hope Thea or Paulo are good options.
DAY TWO
8 a.m. Get the kids ready for school by myself. Howie had an early meeting. He’s a lawyer. Since we’re in our mid-40s, he’s finally in a position of power and has slightly better hours, but he works for a pretty conservative firm so he’s tight-lipped about our lifestyle.
1 p.m. Drafting a proposal for the Hamptons client. I finally hit “send” and then go to the gym.
3 p.m. From the treadmill, I suggest a few date spots to Thea. She’s younger and is “an artist,” though it’s unclear from her dating profile what that means. I hope she’s not a total hipster or party girl.
6 p.m. Kiss the kids goodnight. Tell Howie to wish me luck and leave the apartment. It’s kind of like we’re roommates — when he knows I’m going on a date, he’s excited for me. There’s no weirdness unless one of us leaves the other with a ton of parenting or chores.
7 p.m. At some bar in Bushwick to meet Thea. I get a drink and check my emails.
7:15 p.m. Thea walks in. She’s adorable. Big smile, beautiful skin, long hair. I’m so glad she’s not a gritty hipster. I’m just not attracted to dirty hair and nose piercings. But she is very young, in her late 20s, which surprises me. I have no idea how I missed that on her dating profile. I kind of feel like her mother.
9 p.m. So far, it’s a good date. I’m attracted to her. We’ve had two drinks each, and we decide to move next door and get some food.
9:30 p.m. We’re eating some overpriced artisanal pizza. When we’re finished, I pay, and we decide to call our Ubers home. We start making out while we wait. It’s wonderful. She’s tender and affectionate. I’m into it, but I decide we can hang out another time and see where things go. Not tonight, I’m getting tired.
10:15 p.m. Crawl into bed. I tell Howie I had fun but I wasn’t super into her. She was a little boring if I’m being honest.
DAY THREE
6 a.m. Daughter is up. I’m hungover. Since Howie did the heavy lifting last night, I handle the morning routine.
8:30 a.m. Drop off the kids. Stop at a café for my second coffee of the morning.
12:30 p.m. I’m visiting a client in Cobble Hill. She’s not happy with a job I did for her last summer, so I’m dreading it.
1:30 p.m. Leave the meeting in a bad mood. Still have a hangover. Sometimes I wonder if this lifestyle is sustainable for Howie and me. He barely goes out anymore because he says he’s content with our home life and has plenty of porn to jerk off to. We’re older now, and I wonder if I’m ready to slow down my sex life too. It feels like I’m at a crossroads.
4 p.m. A long afternoon of invoicing and paperwork.
6 p.m. Head to a drinks event with a hotel brand that always hires me for big jobs. I’m really not looking forward to it, but I can’t blow it off.
7 p.m. On the subway there, Paulo texts about hanging out tonight. I tell him now’s not a good time but maybe at the end of the week. I also see a text from Thea, but I ignore it.
9 p.m. Showed face and schmoozed the hotel people. Now I’m on the train home.
10:30 p.m. I take out my vibrator while pretending to take a shower. Sitting on the bathroom floor, I press it against my underwear, close my eyes, and try to imagine fucking Thea. My mind switches channels and instead, I’m on my stomach, getting railed by an unknown man with a huge cock while I go down on some woman. I come in about 60 seconds. Then I take a shower for real.
DAY FOUR
6 a.m. Up with the kids since Howie handled bedtime.
10:30 a.m. At a client’s house, working. All of my clients are wealthy, but this one is spectacularly wealthy and spectacularly rude. But she pays very well and on time, so I don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me. She truly is a bitch, though.
4:30 p.m. I pick up the kids from their after-school programs and we head home. Howie is going to a work party tonight, so I want to get everyone fed before he takes off.
5 p.m. Start making chicken tortilla soup. I love cooking. I always have a glass of wine while I cook. In these moments, I’m 100 percent satisfied with my life and don’t need anything more.
6 p.m. Everyone eats, then the kids and I send Howie off. He looks so handsome. I feel bad for him at these work parties. He says it’s no big deal hiding his identity, but I wish he’d be more open about his true self. But it’s his business, not mine.
9 p.m. I’m on the couch texting Paulo. He obviously wants to sext. He literally said, “What are you wearing?” So corny.
I write back, “Describe your cock for me?” He asks if I want a picture. I do. He sends one and it’s big, veiny, and kind of scary — but also beautiful in a way. I wonder if it’s his real dick.
He asks if I want to FaceTime. I say no, then put the phone down and watch TV. Howie could be home at any moment, and I don’t want him walking in on me fingering myself to a stranger on the phone. It would just be too embarrassing.
DAY FIVE
7:30 a.m. Howie did the morning shift. Yay. I head to a meeting with my accountant.
Noon: Lunch with my sister, who lives near the accountant. She knows about my lifestyle and doesn’t judge. She’s in a sexless, dull marriage and says she often feels stuck in “Blahsville.” I wish she could just open things up like us, but she says she’s not interested in sex so an open marriage doesn’t appeal to her. That may be true, but it makes me wonder how her husband is getting off. I bet he cheats on her, but I’d never say that out loud.
3 p.m. Paulo wants to meet up. I did like the size and strength of his cock. From our chats, he seems potentially gross, but I’m intrigued. I suggest tomorrow night.
7 p.m. We have family dinner at a restaurant. It’s very fun. My kids are so precious. Howie and I are pretty open with them about our unconventional marriage. I mean, we tell them what their brains can handle, things like “There are lots of different ways to be married. We do it our way, and it’s the best way for us!” I’ll explain the details when they’re older, but I’m not worried about it.
DAY SIX
6 a.m. It’s the weekend! Which means we still wake up at the crack of dawn …
Noon: A morning of soccer and karate classes.
3 p.m. Our kids watch a movie while Howie and I decide what to do tonight. We always get a sitter on Saturdays. Howie plans to meet up with his best friend, who is gay and married and about to have his first child. I tell Howie I might have a drink with Paulo, who has a huge cock and might be a bit sketchy. We both laugh. Howie makes me laugh like no one else can.
7:30 p.m. Paulo picked a cool bar in Tribeca. I walk in a bit late and he’s there. He looks nothing like his dating-app photos. He’s much shorter, fatter, and scuzzier in real life. It’s like night and day. I feel very annoyed by this. Like, come on, dude, do better.
8:30 p.m. He wants to go fuck right away. He suggests the bathroom of the bar and then a hotel room where he’s apparently “a VIP.” Ick! He’s neither charming nor seductive, so after one drink, I hop on a Citi Bike and ride all the way home. I block him the minute I dock the bike.
9 p.m. Sent the sitter home early and took a shower. Had to wash off the ick.
DAY SEVEN
6:30 a.m. Drinking my first cup of coffee. I’m feeling a little blah. I can’t seem to meet someone sexy and cool in real life, my husband is gay, and I’m getting older. Ugh, whatever, just the morning blues, I guess.
12:30 p.m. Take the kids to a birthday party. The mom hosting it is newly divorced and beautiful. She has a masculine edge, and I’m very attracted to her but I never know how to hit on other moms. It’s tricky since it’s in my kids’ orbit.
1 p.m. The birthday mom says something like “Remember when Sundays were all about binge-watching TV and having sex all day?” We both laugh and get pulled away by our kids, but I consider this an interesting sign …
3 p.m. Before I leave the party, she gives me her cell. I feel a vibe but not sure what to make of it. Murky territory.
8:30 p.m. After saying goodnight to the kids, I text the birthday mom to thank her for the party. She writes back, “We should get a drink sometime.” I make myself wait 20 minutes before writing back: “I’d love that.”
The language we use when we’re speaking to and about people is significant. It can impact how we see others, how we see ourselves, and how people are treated in workplaces, social settings, classrooms, places of worship, and just about everywhere else. As we strive for a more inclusive world, one small thing you can do is to try practicing gender-neutral language and using gender-neutral terms.
“Gender-neutral language in and of itself is not a new concept, it has just become more of a topic of conversation as we strive to be more inclusive and accepting of all populations,” explains Jillian Amodio, social worker and founder of Moms for Mental Health.
To use gender-neutral terms is to recognize that “society has a way of gendering just about everything,” as Amodio puts it, and to find alternative ways to say or write things. For example, instead of addressing a group of people as “ladies and gentlemen,” you might try saying “everyone,” “colleagues,” “attendees,” “students,” or another term that makes sense in the context. One big reason for doing this is to ensure that non-binary or gender nonconforming people are recognized and included. You might be familiar with the idea of sharing your pronouns, and using gender neutral terms is another way to be inclusive.
Gender-neutral language can be beneficial for everyone, regardless of how they identify. Here’s everything to know about gender-neutral language and how you can incorporate it in your daily life.
Using gender neutral language is one way to ensure that everyone feels respected.
What are some examples of gendered language and some gender-neutral alternatives?
“Given that our society has for so long been built on gender norms and stereotypes, the division by gender has become ingrained in many aspects of daily living,” notes Amodio. You might find yourself assuming that a teacher, nurse, or daycare provider is female and a mechanic or construction worker is male. But obviously, that’s not always the case. One reason we might associate certain jobs as being “male” is because they often end with “-man,” such as “fireman,” “postman,” “congressman” and so forth. Instead, you could use descriptors that don’t assume gender, such as “firefighter,” “postal worker” or “mail carrier,” and “congressperson” or “member of Congress,” for example.
“When referencing someone or a group of people just ask yourself if there are words you can replace to be more inclusive,” Amodio explains.
Beyond job titles, there are other commonly-used phrases that tend to make assumptions about gender. Here are a few examples, along with gender-neutral terms you could use instead.
Boys and girls — instead, consider using children, kiddos, or everyone
Ladies and gentlemen — instead, consider using folks, everyone, students, or colleagues
Councilman/Councilwoman — instead, consider using councilperson
Husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend — instead, consider using partner, significant other, or spouse
Mother or father — instead, consider using parent
Niece or nephew — instead, consider using nibling
Man-made — instead, consider using artificial or machine-made
Pregnant woman or mother-to-be — instead consider pregnant person, expectant person, or birthing parent
Freshman — instead consider first-year student
To be clear, it’s not necessarily insensitive to use a gendered phrase that you feel applies to you, such as “I’m a mother of two” or “My wife and I liked that movie.” However, when you’re speaking to others, particularly in a group, it’s more inclusive to use gender-neutral phrasing like “parents” or “partners” since it doesn’t assume anyone else’s gender identity or sexuality. Plus, using gender-neutral language in reference to yourself and others can also be a way to signify that you are supportive and respectful of all identities.
Why is it important to use gender-neutral language?
“By using gender neutral language we are also not assuming that we know someone’s identity,” says Amodio. “The terms which people use to express their gender and gender identity can vary based on personal preference and what feels right to each individual. Some people are not ‘out’ publicly in terms of how they identify, and gender-neutral language is honestly an easy way to show respect and acceptance to everyone we come into contact with.”
She also notes that in some situations — such as a teacher addressing a new group of students or an employee speaking at a conference or meeting — you may not know the people you’re communicating with. In these cases, “gender-neutral language would be the best option by default,” Amodio says.
You may not always know the gender of who you are communicating with, so gender-neutral language can be the best option.
Should I say something when I hear other people using gendered language?
“We don’t have to be the language police, but if someone uses the wrong pronouns, a gentle correction is perfectly fine,” Amodio says. “If colleagues are addressing people in gendered terms, perhaps suggesting neutral terminology will be of benefit.”
What are some other ways I can support people who have diverse gender identities?
In addition to being thoughtful about the way you speak and write, there are plenty of meaningful ways you can support people who are non-binary, gender nonconforming, or have other gender identities. You can donate to organizations advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, such as The Trevor Project or the Human Rights Campaign. You can also make it a point to shop at businesses owned by LGBTQ+ people and at businesses that donate a certain amount of their profits to LGBTQ+ advocacy organizations. You can also look to local LGBTQ+ organizations and activists in your community and support them by donating, volunteering, spreading the word about their work on your own social media, or finding another way to get involved.
Lastly, don’t underestimate the impact of your words. Using gender-neutral language, sharing your pronouns in a work meeting, and being vocal about your support of LGBTQ+ people are all ways that you can be supportive.
I’ve always understood good sex to include an orgasm and a connection with the person I’m sleeping with. But great mindful sex that’s spiritually, physically, and mentally illuminating for everyone involved is like watching Queen Rania speak: I leave the experience feeling capable and empowered, my body flooded with electric confetti.
When I started having great mindful sex (which began when I turned 40), I noticed a shift in other areas of my life. Work felt more fulfilling and my friendships more meaningful. I wanted to take better care of my body and mind. I swear I started walking a little taller, too. As I’ve continued to feel this way at 41, I’ve realized the gist: When you have mindful sex, the bliss extends beyond the sheets. Because great sex is a portal. More than a happy addition to life, it’s a pillar of good health, a way to connect with yourself and another (or others), and a beautiful right we’re all worthy of.
But as incredible as mindful sex is, it can be an enigma. Lack of connection, health issues, stigmatization, and many other things can get in our way. This is why we need to talk about it—more and more. So I called on two brilliant minds in this space, Cindy Barshop, founder of VSPOT, a women’s intimate and sexual clinic, and Dr. Monica Grover, a double board certified gynecologist and VSPOT Chief Medical Officer, to talk about women’s intimate health, why mindful sex is so critical, and how we can have it.
Because when we have the mindful sex that we want and we talk about it openly—look out: We’re capable of anything.
Why Women Need More Intimate and Sexual Care Support
“We’re just starting to understand how many things impact women’s intimate lives today,” Barshop tells me. Too many women aren’t enjoying the intimacy and connection they deserve. “Sex doesn’t feel good,” she adds. “It’s like, let’s do it and move on to the next thing.” This is why Barshop founded VSPOT: To give women a place to openly talk about their sexual and intimate health concerns and needs without judgment and to connect with a resource for treatment. “You would not believe how many women have sex and intimacy issues—and we are not discussing this enough.”
How often do we take the time to focus on ourselves, our self-care, and what makes us happy? — Dr. Monica Grover
Additionally, women deserve more than just 10 minutes in the doctor’s office, which is so common in Western medicine today. “It’s a shame,” says Dr. Gordon. “Not only do women feel hesitant to speak about some of these conditions in a typical doctor’s office scenario, but doctors are not even allowed to listen.” We need the room, freedom, and support to fully vent, ask, and learn about what makes us feel sexually great.
How Mindful Sex Impacts Our Lives
Sex is more than sex. It’s an avenue for so many more profound things in our lives. But too often, it gets pushed aside and “clouded,” says Dr. Grover. “Women find it as a chore, or it’s painful, or something they’re not looking forward to” because of life stressors, health conditions, menopause, or more.
This is to our detriment because sex makes us feel good. “It’s physiological,” adds Dr. Grover. “When we have an orgasm, we release all of these happy neurotransmitters—oxytocin, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin—everything that makes us feel great about ourselves.” Add to that, having mindful sex may help ward off certain illnesses and ailments. “We should be focused on our sexual health because that helps with depression.” Plus, research shows that sex can improve productivity.
Barshop puts it best: “Great sex makes your body stronger and healthier. It changes everything.”
How to Have Great, Mindful Sex
In my conversation with Barshop and Dr. Grover, I came away with three takeaways for how to nourish our sexual lives:
#1: We must be bold at the doctor’s office and discuss our sexual frustrations and desires.
“Open up these conversations,” says Dr. Grover. “Say, ‘I’m here because I want to talk about the fact that I have vaginal dryness or I can’t have an orgasm. This is my chief complaint.’ Get the doctors uncomfortable because that’s the only way to open up more awareness around this.”
#2: Mindful sex can be with others or just ourselves.
Whatever it looks like for you, dive into the incredible products available today, from vibrators to lubricants, that encourage more flow to any scenario. “You don’t need a partner,” says Dr. Grover. “Sometimes it’s even better on your own!”
#3: If you have hiccups around your sexual wellness, you’re not alone.
There is a growing community revolutionizing sexual health outside the medical world—including Barshop and Dr. Grover’s work at VSPOT. “Now we have a place where we can spend an hour with you and look at all the solutions,” says Dr. Grover. “We can give women the tools, so they can find that happiness again when they go home.”
The Takeaway
Like anything worthwhile, mindful sex takes a more profound knowing and connection with ourselves. Our instincts may be to quiet our desires and not speak about our sexual issues or wants. Don’t do that, say Barshop and Dr. Grover. We must talk openly—with our doctors, partners, and friends.
Through honesty and conviction, let’s start to normalize and prioritize sexual wellness so we can all have more mindful sex—and feel empowered in everything we want to do.
‘In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.’
The allure of digital relationships that can be curated and controlled comes at the expense of mutual vulnerability
The western drift away from seeking moral instruction from the church is understandable; the morality plays staged every day on Reddit’s infamous “Am I the Asshole?” threads are far more entertaining.
A few weeks ago, a post went viral in which the author seeks a public verdict on the question “AITA for asking my roommates to remove their dildos from the bathroom mirror in a way that was not kind?” The young poster had responded to the presence of newly washed sex toys in a shared space with a disgusted hostility and the dildo-owning flatmate complained the poster should have requested the removal more politely.
This brash – and now VERY public – story of objects once unlikely to be mentioned outside (ahem) the most personal of circumstances appears at the same time US magazine the Atlantic has been discussing “America’s intimacy problem”.
Researchers in the US have noticed a decline in secure attachments between individuals. Growing numbers of Americans find themselves either avoiding or incapable of maintaining intimate social relationships, with the consequence being loneliness and isolation. Psychologists report that even when their clients do want the security and comfort of meaningful connections, “there’s a lot of confusion and fear in terms of how to get there”.
In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.
It’s not an exclusively American problem. In Australia, younger generations have also been in a “sex recession” for years. Figures compiled in 2020 revealed 40% of people in the 18-24 age bracket had never had a sexual partner. Disturbingly, some of those who know sexual contact may not necessarily know it with intimacy, but with coercion.
Sociologists and other researchers have speculated that social media is driving this. From chat to porn, the new networks provide on-demand experiences of connection that resemble in-person interactions without sharing the awkward, human rhythms of the real-world thing. The digital allure is of relationships that can be curated, controlled and contained.
Simultaneously, the portability of image-capture technology has facilitated an era of relentless self-surveillance. Powerful forces incentivise the exploitation of the personal, from the monetisation of the influencer to the desperate social competition for online attention.
The digital paradigm has come to contain us. To admit one is messy, inexperienced, scared, human-shaped or in any way truly vulnerable is an act of trust before another person and we’ve all learned by now to never trust anything pretending to be a person on the internet. Maybe the culture of mistrust fostered on the internet is what’s bleeding into our external lives? The relentless exposure of it renders any revelation of frailty a dangerous prospect.
Meanwhile, experiments such as Arthur Aron’s “36 questions that lead to love” established that it’s the mutual revelation of vulnerability that creates our most intimate bonds.
The terror is valid. The personal cost is incalculable.
Recently I received the sad news that an old theatre friend had passed away, and far too young. We lived on separate continents and had not been in touch for quite some time.
This news of his death, though, has shattered me. The memory that replays itself dates from 19 years ago; we’d stumbled into my apartment to crash after an all-night drunken adventure, and in his besozzlement he found himself unable to remove his contact lenses. He asked for help. My careful fingers peeled the plastic droplets from the eyeballs of my prone-on-the-spare-bed, fully clothed friend and it remains one of the most intimate experiences I’ve had with another human being. It changed the channel of our relationship – not into anything romantic, but into another kind of closeness that remains tricky to explain.
The pain of loss I’m feeling now is the price humans pay for the intensity of these connections.
Restless and raging at the sky in the wake of too many recent deaths, I’m yet to be convinced that the worst flatmate or view-aggregating Tokfluencer doesn’t yearn for the intimacy of a profound friendship, or a loving family, or true romantic love.
For those who may find themselves insecurely attached and sad about it, some gentle guidance: it’s not our social performances that leave an indelible impression behind us – it’s the risk taken to trust someone else when we are in our greatest vulnerability. It’s in these moments we become immortal to each other.
In the 1990s, a movement born out of the white, American, evangelical Christian church swept the globe: purity culture. They weren’t the first or only fundamentalist religion to sexually shame women & girls. But this time, the message was mainstream, almost cool: women and girls are either pure or impure, depending on their sexuality. Decades later, we’re just starting to grapple with the long-term effects of these teachings. In this deeply intimate talk, Linda Kay Klein shares how she recovered from purity culture’s toxic teaching — and how she helps others do the same.
Linda Kay Klein is the award-winning author of “Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free.” She is a purity culture recovery coach and the founder and president of Break Free Together, a nonprofit serving individuals recovering from gender- and sexuality-based religious trauma. She has an interdisciplinary Master’s degree in gender, sexuality, and religion from New York University and is a trained Our Whole Lives (OWL) sexuality education facilitator. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.
— Good sex is about being good at communication. It’s not about how big anything is or where you put it.
(l-r) Aging bodies moderator Crystal Brown talked with Kimberlee Reece of NE Wellness; Zeynep Tuzcu, founder of Evren Chiropractic; and Carolyn Torkelson, retired women’s health specialist at the University of Minnesota.
Minnesota Women’s Press hosted panel discussions about “Sex, Menopause, and Aging Bodies” in April, moderated by the magazine’s sexuality writer Gaea Dill-D’Ascoli and outreach director Crystal Brown.
Q: As our bodies change, it can impact our sexual relationships. How do we talk about that and get away from feeling like there is a goal to reach, or dismay that we aren’t feeling the same physically?
Lindsey Hoskins, health education, Family Tree Clinic: Good sex is about being good at communication. It’s not about how big anything is or where you put it. I love this recipe from sex educator Reid Mihalko for having a difficult conversation:
1) I’ve got something I want to talk to you about. 2) I’m nervous to talk to you about it because … 3) What I hope happens is … 4) Then you say what you need to say.
I also highly recommend pelvic floor physical therapy. The muscles in the pelvic area are small, so even a little exercise is a lot. Orgasm feelings are dependent on the strength of those muscles sometimes. The beefier those muscles are, the stronger and easier it is to experience orgasm. Toning those muscles can make a huge difference.
And orgasm doesn’t have to be a goal. Learning to enjoy pleasures large and small, and without a goal, leads to greater satisfaction.
If you’ve got aches and pains in your body — your hips hurt or you can’t lie on your back anymore — talk to a good pelvic floor physical therapist. There’s a lot of referred pain in the pelvis; something hurts over here, but the cause is there.
AJ, psychotherapist, Rainbow Health:
Open up space to talk about sex that isn’t just in the bedroom. Have regular relationship check-ins, when you can talk about a variety of issues. The acronym I suggest is RADAR: Review the amount of time of since your last check in, Agree on the agenda of what you want to talk about, Discuss, name Action steps, and Reconnect after a hard conversation.
Remember that sex is about exploring each other’s bodies and your own body. Maybe there’s room for parallel masturbation or different forms of touch. Sex is expansive, and it can look different ways as we age.
People over the age of 55 have the fastest- growing rate of sexually transmitted illness (STI) in the U.S. The younger age groups are more likely to have an STI, but the older generations are more likely to contract one due to decline in practicing safe sex. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in 2019 that the number of cases in the previous five years among Americans aged 55 and older rose 164 percent for gonorrhea, 120 percent for syphilis, and 86 percent for chlamydia.
Recommended Resources
Comstock Films offers sex documentaries with real couples, comstockfilms.com
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