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Before you panic, fighting in a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing – but there’s a right way to go about it, plus four things that actually do spell the end.
While arguing and fighting with someone, particularly a partner, is often viewed as a sign that things may not be going well, many experts argue the opposite.
In fact, according to US clinical psychologist Deborah Grody married couples who don’t have any conflict are often the ones who end in divorce.
“Relationships that can’t be saved are relationships where the flame has completely gone out, or it wasn’t there in the first place,” she told Time magazine –because the indifference behind this lack of motivation can be a sign they don’t care enough about their partner, or their relationship to fight.
The sometimes beneficial nature of arguing was also backed up by a 2012 paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology.
This research showed that constructively having conflicts with your partner may bring you closer together because while they cause short-term discomfort, they also incite honest conversations that can benefit the relationship in the long run.
In saying this, clinical psychologist and author of Difficult People, Dr Rebecca Ray says that not all arguing is beneficial and the determining factor behind what is and isn’t, can have a lot to do with how you fight, or your fighting style and whether, as the researchers specified, it is constructive.
“A good fight is one where both partners face the problem from the same side, not necessarily the same perspective. That is, you are both committed to a resolution of the problem itself, rather than making each other the problem (which is a bad fight),” she tells Body+Soul.“A good fight is also one where both partners make room for each other’s perspectives and how difficult it can be to express vulnerability,” she adds.
Your fighting style is so important, believe psychologists and relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, that it can be one of the best predictors of divorce.
After years of extensive research, the pair identified four primary predictors of divorce, coining them, the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
These predictors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and when they are used when arguing with a partner, they can be a telltale sign of a bad fight says Dr Ray.
“A bad fight is full of accusations and contempt, ineffective listening, and the pressure on each other to be perfect or be met with punishment.”
So, how do you work out your fighting style and if it is ‘bad’ or ‘good’?
“In my book, Difficult People, I discuss psychoanalyst Karen Horney’s three styles of interpersonal coping which, when used often enough, can become automatic and habitual in times of conflict,” says Dr Ray.
These include moving towards people (compliance); moving against people (aggression); and moving away from people (detachment).
“There are both healthy and unhealthy versions of each of these coping strategies,” she explains. “Unhealthy moving towards looks like habitual people-pleasing, which means one partner will have difficulty speaking up for their own needs and often end up resentful.
Unhealthy moving against looks like blaming, accusing, and generally aggressive communication, which can stop the other partner from feeling psychologically safe.
And unhealthy moving away looks like avoidance of addressing the problem altogether, or being indifferent to a workable outcome. While each of us will lean towards one of these tendencies, with awareness and willingness, conflict doesn’t have to be coloured by unhealthy versions of these coping strategies.”
How to have a ‘good’ fight
One simple change that can help move your argument from negative territory to somewhere more positive, is altering the language you use.
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“A good fight sounds like ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements,” says Dr Ray. “It also sounds like respectful language and tone,” she says, which means no yelling or swearing because this can be disrespectful in this context.
And while giving each other space and taking a break from the situation if things become tense can be helpful, there should be a willingness to return to solve the issue.
“A problem won’t be solved unless it’s brought into the light. Don’t sweep things under the carpet. Address them before they become too big to carry,” she says.
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