— Here Are 4 Things to Consider When Questioning Your Sexuality
Sex and relationships experts share questions to ask yourself as you figure things out.
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If you’re reading this article, chances are that at some point in your life you’ve asked yourself the million dollar question: Am I gay? You might have even tried taking one of those gay quizzes online. If that’s the case, you’re not alone, and you’re in the right place.
More people are curious about their own sexualities now that queer visibility and representation have reached unprecedented heights. According to a recent study by the Cultural Currents Institute, Google searches by people questioning their sexuality and gender identity increased 1,300% from 2004 to 2023.
But even if pop culture increasingly celebrates queer people, it’s easy to forget that realizing you’re not straight can still be an anxiety-inducing and lonely experience. You might be worrying about what being gay, bi, pan, or some other non-heterosexual identity could mean for your relationships, your love life, or your wellbeing. On top of that, our more expansive understanding of sexuality and gender means even binary labels like “gay” or “lesbian” might not feel totally authentic to you.
If you’re curious, that’s a sign
First things first: the fact that you’re curious about your sexuality and asking questions is a sign itself.
Try to be honest with yourself about why you’re questioning your sexuality. You probably had an experience or a thought that triggered it; try to identify what that was and think through why you had it. “Most straight people, in my experience, take their sexuality for granted,” says Alex Jenny. “If you’re having a prolonged sense of curiosity about your sexuality, that is often a sign of something.”
Just having a singular moment of same-sex attraction or a queer sexual fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re queer. Sexuality is a complicated thing, and everyone has thoughts and desires that don’t always fall into the bucket of whatever sexuality you identify with. But if you’re having prolonged, repeated thoughts and fantasies that can be called queer, it might be time to think about whether you yourself might be queer, in whatever form that might take — bi-curious, bisexual, pansexual, gay, lesbian, or otherwise.
It can also be helpful to differentiate between queer romantic feelings and queer sexual feelings. “Sexual attraction is very much like wanting to have sex with someone,” Kipling explains. “Romantic attraction is more about love and warm feelings and wanting to be around that person. It doesn’t have to include building a life with them.”
In other words, paying attention to how your body reacts physically to someone can be a good way of gauging whether you’re experiencing sexual or romantic attraction. Because our culture often conflates platonic, romantic, and sexual intimacy, you might just be experiencing an intense nonsexual crush. That doesn’t automatically rule out the possibility that you could be queer, of course, but it could be a first step towards exploring other facets of your queerness that aren’t just tied to sex.
Don’t rush to label your sexuality right away
It might feel tempting to take an online quiz or let an article like this one put a label on your sexuality. Many of us took “Am I Gay?” quizzes growing up hoping to dispel our worst fears, only to end up confirming them.
Although you should be skeptical of any “gay tests” on the internet, considering they’re extremely reductive and definitely not science-based, there are some online resources that could help you make better sense of your possibly-queer feelings. The Lesbian Masterdoc is a 30-page document that was published by then-teenager Anjeli Luz on Tumblr in 2018. It breaks down questions and feelings that lesbian-identifying people may have when questioning their sexuality. There are sections dedicated to explaining dynamics such as compulsory heterosexuality, which is the inherent assumption in society that everyone is heterosexual — an assumption that prevents people from exploring other alternatives.There’s no harm in reading documents like this, especially if you find that you identify with a lot of the material, but it’s important to keep in mind that this is only a snapshot of one queer person’s experience with their sexuality.
Finding a queer glossary could also be a good tool to get an idea of the immense spectrum of desires and identities that you might want to explore. The Gender Elephant is a flowchart by the Canadian Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity that breaks down the difference between gender identity, romantic attraction, gender expression, and sexuality while acknowledging that all of those things exist across a spectrum.
“If these labels help you understand yourself better or help you find meaning around yourself and your identity, great,” Kipling says. “If not, also great.” You should only be using flow charts, quizzes, and other materials to the extent that they make you feel more at ease and valid in your feelings, but not if they make you feel boxed in.
Talk to queer people about what you’re experiencing
Another good place to start is to find a community, whether in a physical space like your local LGBTQ+ center or online. Talk to queer people about your thoughts and feelings, even if that feels scary or hard. They’ve likely been through some of what you’re facing, and can tell you how they themselves figured out their identity.
If you’re worried about discretion, try to find someone you can really trust with your questions, who you know won’t tell others about what you’re experiencing before you’re ready. If you can’t find someone like that in person, online communities and resources, like the Trevor Project’s TrevorSpace or the LGBT National Coming Out Support Hotline, can connect you with LGBTQ+ people who can help you make sense of what you’re feeling.
Talking to queer people is especially important because it allows you to understand that you’re not alone, and that your experiences don’t isolate you — they actually make you a part of an enormous network of people all over the world.
“You’re not going to necessarily relate to everybody’s experiences, but maybe there are little pieces of somebody else’s experience that you really resonate with,” Kipling says. On top of that, “there are people who are waiting to embrace you in the fullest sense.” When you are affirmed by others, embracing yourself gets a lot easier.
Coming out doesn’t always happen all at once
Coming to understand your identity can be an exhilarating experience, but it’s something that needs to happen at your own pace. If you do realize you’re not straight, you might begin to feel pressure to come out, but know that if coming out doesn’t feel right or safe for you, it doesn’t make you any less of a queer person.
“It’s also brave to keep yourself safe,” Jenny says. Instead of “coming out,” she prefers the term “coming in,” which gives us more agency. “‘Coming in’ is having discernment around who the people who are actually safe and want to celebrate and uplift your sexuality and my authenticity are,” she continues. “Those are the people who you can invite in.
Jenny likens sharing your sexuality to giving someone a delicate vase. You wouldn’t give something so fragile to someone who might be reckless with it, and you wouldn’t do the same with your identity.
It’s also perfectly okay to discern when and where you want to share your queerness. For example, if you decide to paint your nails at home but want to take them off to attend a family function, that’s totally fine. “When people are exploring their sexuality for the first time, they’re not immediately going to have the full queer lifestyle that they might be seeing on social media,” Jenny says.
The beautiful thing about being queer is that there are infinite ways to do so. “There are so many ways to express your authenticity, even if it’s just you alone in your room,” Jenny says. “It’s important to be okay with wherever you are in this moment.” From that authenticity grows an acceptance that you might not know or be confident in exactly who you are all the time — and that’s okay, too.
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