What exactly does that mean?

Sexuality is fluid and ever-changing — not something stagnant to be “discovered.”

By Kelly Grace Finney

You’ll hear it all the time: Sexuality is on a spectrum. But what exactly does this mean? And how does it differ from checking off “straight, gay, or bisexual” on an intake form?

In modern psychological research, “sexual orientation” is a term used to describe the overarching umbrella of human sexual preferences. This includes, but is not necessarily limited to, sexual attraction, romantic attraction, sexual behavior and sexual identity. For a lot of folks, these factors all align: For example, a straight woman who is sexually and romantically attracted to men, with a history of sexual relationships with only men. However, these differences are not so clearly defined in a lot of folks’ experiences, which can lead to a lot of shame and confusion.

Sexual fluidity is the concept that sexual orientation can be context-dependant and change over time. You may have heard the term “gay for the stay” to describe incarcerated folks having same-sex relationships in prison when they would otherwise engage in opposite-sex relationships in their communities.

But this isn’t just limited to folks who are removed and isolated from greater society. Even “Saturday Night Live’s” comedy music group The Lonely Island wrote the song “The Golden Rule” as a humorous defense of having three-ways with a member of the same gender. It is also common for folks to engage in sexual relationships with one gender, but fantasize about or watch pornography focused on other genders. And we can’t forget about those who identify as straight but have a habit of kissing or engaging in other sexual behaviors with people of the same gender when under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. If sexual identity, sexual attraction and sexual behavior were all the same, how could we account for these differences in alignment?

This is why it is so important to pay attention to the differences between sexual identity and sexual attraction. A lesbian woman could have a satisfying sexual experience with a man, but that does not necessarily mean that she wants to continue engaging in sex with men, nor does it mean she would want to communicate to others that she is looking for a heterosexual partnership. Therefore, she could still identify as lesbian as a way to tell others that she is looking for partnership with another woman.

Our sexual identities are labels that we use to let ourselves and others know what type of relationships we prefer. However, sexual identity is not the end-all, be-all of relational preferences.

By labeling folks’ sexual fluidity as “confusion,” we are invalidating the very meaningful relationships that others engage in. As Carrie Bradshaw put it on “Sex and the City,” “I’m not even sure bisexuality exists. I think it’s just a layover on the way to Gaytown.”

While this was broadcast in the year 2000, many folks today still struggle to understand anything outside of the gay-straight binary. We often receive cultural messages that bisexual men are really homosexuals testing the waters, while bisexual women engage in same-sex relationships to gain attention from men.

What do these misconceptions have in common? They both rely on the idea that fundamentally, if given the choice, men are ultimately the most desired gender. This patriarchal idea serves the function of categorizing folks in neat, clean boxes as a means to oppress. But, as psychological researchers keep telling us, humans are anything but easily categorized.

Our rigid views around sexuality and sexual identity are part of what fuels violence against transgender and non-binary folk. If society didn’t expect us to “find” and settle on our sexual preferences, there wouldn’t be so much pressure on people, especially straight folk, to defend their sexuality. For example, someone can identify as straight or mostly straight, but have a relationship with someone who is non-binary. This is the key difference between how we identify and who we are attracted to. We should be embracing these gray areas, rather than utilizing shame to discourage exploration.

Sexuality is fluid and ever-changing — not something stagnant to be “discovered.” If we let go of the expectation that we must be “sure” of our sexual preferences, we open up doors to more satisfying sexual and relational experiences.

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