The difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating

By Julia Naftulin

  • In monogamous relationships, a range of intimate interactions with other people could be considered cheating.
  • This can lead to confusion about ethically non-monogamous relationships, where someone has multiple partners but isn’t cheating.
  • According to a therapist, cheating isn’t black-and-white, but defined by an agreement partners make.

People in monogamous relationships can’t seem to agree on what “cheating” entails: A kiss with a stranger? A drunken one-night stand? Exchanging flirty texts with a colleague?

But for people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, there’s a clear line between faithfulness and infidelity, and it has nothing to do with whether or not other parties are involved.

It all comes down to breaching a partner’s trust, Rachel Wright, a sex and relationship therapist who is also in a non-monogamous relationship, told Insider. (Wright uses the term “non-monogamy” without the modifier “ethical” because it suggests relationship setups outside of monogamy are inherently unethical, which isn’t the case, she said.)

“Cheating is cheating, because cheating is going against an agreement,” Wright said.

She said there’s no specific sex acts that make up “cheating.” Rather, it’s what partners agree to uphold together.

That means people in any relationship dynamic, whether non-monogamous or monogamous, can cheat on their partners. In both relationship styles, cheating is characterized by a lack of communication and breaking of trust, according to Wright.

Define ‘cheating’ with your partner using as much detail as possible

Society teaches us to avoid conversations about relationships and sex, but getting into the nitty gritty can help you better understand the difference between cheating and non-monogamy, Wright said.

“There are all of these gray areas because we’re humans,” she said, so having an honest and in-depth discussion about what feels good for you and your partner is the best way to define “cheating.”

“They just assume that everyone’s having the same experience, and there’s some relationship rule book that everybody’s going by. We all know, logically, that’s not true,” Wright said.

People in non-monogamous arrangements have more options for their sexual and romantic lives than people in monogamous relationships, which means they over-communicate their expectations and boundaries often.

She gave the example of two people in a polyamorous relationship. They may agree to date outside of their primary relationship, but also set a rule that they don’t invite their prospective partners back to their shared home. If one partner broke that rule, that would be cheating, Wright said.

But if that partner had sex with an outside partner somewhere other than their home, it wouldn’t be cheating.

“Really, the biggest difference is that someone is not ‘in the know.’ Someone is being blindsided,” Wright said.

To get a better understanding of what “cheating” means to you, Wright suggested examining your personal relationship with jealousy

When a person feels jealous, it often signals insecurity, Chapman University psychology professor and relationships researcher Amy Moors previously told Insider.

Rather than create relationship rules that prevent jealousy, it’s healthier to understand how you can care for yourself when that emotion comes up, Wright said.

Complete Article HERE!

Help! How Do I Get My Sex Drive Back?

Advice on how to restore a decline in sexual desire.

By

Q: Are there any proven treatments for low libido in women?

“Proven” is a strong word — and one that makes scientists squeamish. But it is safe to say that there is “very strong evidence” for increasing sexual desire through certain types of psychological interventions like cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness meditation, said Lori A. Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver and a renowned expert in women’s sexual health.

When it comes to medications, however, it’s a different story.

In recent years, two new medications for women with low libido have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, “though their efficacy is marginally better than a placebo,” said Dr. Stacy Tessler Lindau, a gynecologist at the University of Chicago Medicine and the creator of WomanLab, a website about sexual health.

These drugs, flibanserin (a pill) and bremelanotide (an injection that is self-administered about 40 minutes before sexual activity), were approved for the “very small subset of women” who are premenopausal, have low libidos and do not have any identifiable physical, mental or relationship problems, Dr. Lindau said. “They may have modest benefit, but they also come with side effects and cost,” she added. “So far, insurance coverage has been limited.”

In the end, the most beneficial solution will depend on the reason you are experiencing low libido and why you consider your libido to be a problem.

Talk to a doctor to rule out any new health problems.

For older women, loss of estrogen during menopause is commonly associated with a change in libido because it can cause vaginal dryness and tightness that can make intercourse painful. Some women also find it more difficult to get aroused. And when menopause is accompanied by hot flashes and night sweats, that can make sex seem less appealing too.

Untreated conditions like depression and anxiety can also be problematic for libido. However, some medications, including certain antidepressants, have been shown to negatively affect sexual desire, arousal and orgasm. So it’s best to speak to your doctor about all of the available options.

Certain medical procedures may also lower libido, for example if a woman had her ovaries removed or her estrogen blocked to treat cancer.

“When possible, replacing estrogen can be a helpful adjunct to addressing low libido in some women,” Dr. Lindau said, as can lubricants, exercise and speaking with a therapist.

The hormone testosterone may also improve sexual function in postmenopausal women who are distressed by a chronic loss of interest in sex, but there is limited data on its safety and effectiveness.

Oftentimes, problems with libido are not purely physical. Stress is one of the most common reasons a woman’s sex drive plummets, the experts said. Low libido also can stem from energy and sleep issues, body image, relationship quality, gender inequities and other concerns.

“I would encourage people complaining of low desire and those who hear the complaints to think about all the influences that exist on desire, including and beyond inside bodies,” said Sari van Anders, a professor who studies sexuality and testosterone at Queen’s University in Ontario. “Desire does not just come from a drive within our bodies, it reflects and responds to all sorts of life and societal situations.”

An journal article written last year by Dr. van Anders, Dr. Brotto and others suggested that four factors, each influenced by societal expectations of women, contribute to the low sexual desire experienced by women in heterosexual relationships. They are inequitable divisions of household labor, the tendency for women to take on a caregiver-mother role with their male partners, an emphasis on a woman’s appearance over her own sexual pleasure — which can make her own feelings of desire contingent upon her perceived desirability — and gender norms that influence which partner initiates sex. For example, women are not typically socialized to initiate sex or prioritize their own pleasure, and they may feel uncomfortable experiencing or initiating pleasure unrelated to penetrative intercourse.

The paper also noted that “low desire” might mean different things to different people. Some people want sex more than others, and it is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate over the years. The experts suggest asking yourself: Are you dissatisfied with the amount of sex that you crave? If so, why?

“Low erotic desire is not a problem in and of itself unless and until partners, health professionals, media and/or culture make it into one,” Dr. van Anders said. “A promising way forward is to consider that low desire itself may reflect a problem, for those who aren’t asexual, rather than be a problem in and of itself.”

For example, some women may be concerned not about their own lack of desire but about a mismatch between their libido and a partner’s higher libido.

“If their discrepant desire is creating a problem for the relationship, then a couples sex therapy approach is warranted,” Dr. Brotto said.

If therapy is not possible — perhaps you cannot find a therapist with openings or one who is affordable — then Dr. Brotto suggested having a conversation with your partner about planning to have sex during times when the person with lower desire feels most ready to do so, and increasing the amount of sexual activities that do not involve penetration. These activities may be more likely to provide pleasure to the person who has less desire.

And here’s another thing to keep in mind: Feeling like you’re not in the mood doesn’t necessarily mean that you have less desire or that your level of desire is somehow insufficient. Not everyone experiences desire, then arousal. Some people need to be aroused first to experience desire.

“Libido has historically been equated with spontaneous sexual desire — that feeling of wanting sex that happens out of the blue,” Dr. Brotto said. “It is far less common than responsive desire — the kind of desire that is present after a sexual encounter begins.”

If you tend to feel physical arousal first and mental desire second, don’t just wait for the sudden urge to have sex.

Instead, set aside time to be intimate and prepare to put yourself in the right mind-set to connect physically with your partner. This might involve taking time out of your day to think about sex, masturbating, listening to a musical playlist that makes you feel sexual or watching a movie that arouses you.

Talk with your partner about the different types of desire (spontaneous versus responsive) and the specific things that help you get in the mood. That way, your partner will also be thinking about how to help you build feelings of desire rather than just jumping right into it. The more you understand and respond to each other’s needs, the better your sex life will become.

Finally, being mindful — a practice that helps you remember to return to the present when you become distracted — can be especially helpful when you are thinking about sex or engaging in sexual activity.

“Cultivating attention to the present moment is really important for the brain-body connection that gives way to sexual response,” Dr. Brotto said.

Complete Article HERE!

Why Do Some People Cry After Sex?

The hardcore crash of emotions after sex is not as bizarre or uncommon as many might think.

by Arman Khan

After Zohra, a 28-year-old writer, had sex with her husband a few days after their wedding last year, she couldn’t stop tears from streaming down her face.

It wasn’t their first time having sex – they’d been together for ten years. But for some inexplicable reason, she told VICE, the post-copulation tears became part of their sex life after having tied the knot.

At first, her partner was confused by the sudden burst of emotion. “What happened?” he’d asked her, worried that he’d inadvertently hurt her.

It was all perfect, she’d assure him, unable to pinpoint what she was really feeling apart from a general sense of being overwhelmed.

“We all live so many lies outside the bed,” she told VICE. “But now, it just feels like this experience is special, that he will have this unique connection with me and me alone. I’m not sure if passionate is the right word or if it’s even possible to come up with the right word to describe the intensity of that experience.”

Experts have explained this kind of emotional reaction after sex as postcoital dysphoria (PCD), defined as feeling tearful or sad after otherwise satisfactory or even great consensual sex. According to a study on PCD by the Queensland University of Technology in Australia, nearly 41 percent of men reported experiencing PCD at some point in their lifetime and nearly 4 percent of people said that they cry after sex on a regular basis.  Another study suggests nearly half of all women experience post-coital crying at least once in their lives, with some reporting (often inexplicable) tears during or after sex several times per month.

Neuropsychologist Jasdeep Mago told VICE that we often manifest our “most easily accessible emotion” in moments of vulnerability – and lying bare with another individual is often a deeply vulnerable act. You are going into an agreement to share each other’s deepest desires, to be seen naked, to be loved, wanted and fulfilled – making vulnerability a core component of our sexuality.

“Many people actually end up laughing when they hear bad news or do something emotional. They are obviously not literally happy in that moment but it’s their most easily accessible and used emotion, which surfaces in moments of vulnerability,” said Mago. “For people whose easily accessible emotion is crying, myself included, you will notice they can break down even in the middle of an argument.”

In societies where sex is still widely considered taboo, explained Mago, actually having sex can itself be an overwhelming experience for many, the enormity of it resulting in an unexpected rush of tears.

This was the case with Rituparna, a 24-year-old content strategist. She was 18 when she first cried after sex. At that age, she said, both she and her partner were not equipped with the tools to navigate her emotional reaction. But years of therapy and self-work helped her understand her emotions and reactions better.

“Growing up in a conservative family in a small town in eastern India, there was a lot of shame associated with sex,” she told VICE. “I also went through some sexually traumatic experiences as a child. So, now, when I’m able to have safe and consensual sex, I cry out of gratitude for deserving a space where my pleasure matters and where I know I’ll be treated like a human being.”

In some cases, experts found that women experiencing postpartum depression may also cry after sex as they experience hormonal fluctuations. Rituparna said that while some might explain this as an interplay of hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine, for her, crying after sex is essentially a cathartic experience.

“It’s almost an otherworldly space for me, and I approach it from a position of great respect,” she said. “So far, my partners have been very understanding whenever I’ve cried. In some instances, they became vulnerable too.”

In the queer space, trusting your flings and hookups with a vulnerable reaction after sex is not a common experience, according to Saurabh, a 32-year-old filmmaker. Whenever he felt like crying after sex, he waited for his partner to leave the room first. 

“The first time I cried, it was from sheer exhaustion,” he told VICE. “I didn’t know why I wanted so much sex and why I had to be such a sexual person. It all became too much for me and I broke down. But I couldn’t cry in front of him because I don’t expect strangers to process or even understand a visceral and emotional outburst.”

Asma, a 24-year-old advertising manager, has often felt tears well up after hooking up with strangers. 

“I ask myself: Is this how life is going to be? Will I always have these temporary flings? What value will this add to my life? I let it all build up even during the course of sex and I ultimately break down.”

Asma has, on occasion, cried after sex with her previous boyfriends too. “I think that was about the insecurity I felt in those relationships.” Though her past relationships that were stable led to fewer instances of postcoital crying, a recent positive sexual experience led to tears too. “The fact that I could have his undivided attention for so long really overwhelmed me.”

Mago, the neuropsychologist, said that the feeling of being overwhelmed is a neutral one – it can swing either way, positive or negative.

“One of the reasons why people might get overwhelmed after sex and cry is when there is a mismatch between their expectations from sex and how it actually turns out,” she explained. “Sometimes, bad sex is a stark reminder of the systemic issues in a relationship too, and the crushing realisation can be overwhelming.”

Aastha Vohra, a sexuality and sexual wellness expert, told VICE that anxiety that surfaces during the act itself cannot be discounted when trying to understand why people cry after sex. 

“In many cases, the vulva owner may not have been sufficiently lubricated, and that can cause a lot of discomfort and anxiety that ultimately keeps building and ends up in crying,” she said. “[Consensual] sex is a channel for nearly all our emotions because we’re quite literally naked during the act. It allows you the safe space to express those anxieties and emotions because for many, that safe space might not exist anywhere else.”

Intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal added that some people who cry after sex may also be the ones who exercise immense emotional self-control outside sex. And a lot can be understood by looking into one’s childhood too. 

“Sex is essentially a primal act that subconsciously takes us back to our earliest bonding experience, that with our parents,” she said. “Past scars and ghosts have a strange way of showing up when you least expect them to. If you are in an extramarital relationship, the guilt can also sometimes manifest in tears.”

In cases where certain positions, words or other apsects of sex evoke past sexual trauma that leads to postcoital tears, Barnwal suggested addressing the “root cause” with therapy.

Mago, the neuropsychologist, emphasized that crying after sex is not explicitly classified as a disorder, disease or syndrom. “Crying after sex in itself does not derail the healthy functioning of an individual,” she said. “Unless it does, in which case you must seek professional help.”

The way Barnwal sees it, the ambiguity and the wide range of experiences surrounding the phenomenon of crying after sex should not surprise us. It boils down to the fact that sex is a multi-layered realm where things don’t immediately have to make sense. 

“We must understand that all sex is essentially two sets of competing truths – pain and pleasure,” she said. “It all depends on how you navigate it and how your partner supports you during the process. If you are the one witnessing the person you’ve had sex with break down, then understand that this is nothing scary or bizarre. Most of the time, it’s not even about you. Just hold them, cuddle them, and embrace sexual vulnerability as a totally normal thing.”

Complete Article HERE!

Let’s Talk About Emotional Cheating in Queer Relationships

“As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something… then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Within the queer community, we like to joke that the straights are not okay. But if they can’t handle West End Caleb, the guy who went viral for “love bombing” New York City women with Spotify playlists before ghosting, how could they handle navigating emotional cheating within a polyamorous queer triad? Has a straight person ever needed to identify one’s bisexual identity, in terms of both romantic and sexual attraction, when pinpointing what constitutes emotional cheating? I once watched an ex have her out-of-town ex-turned-best-friend (it’s confusing, I know) platonically stay with her, in her bed, during Valentine’s Day weekend, then accuse me of being emotionally unavailable.

The straights are just fine, with a few notable but vocal exceptions. But the LGBTQ+ crowd needs to discuss emotional cheating — especially after the lonely lockdown and isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic.

While having an ex sleep over, even if you don’t have sex, might be too much for my Scorpio heart, my Gemini friend Zachary Zane, a bisexual activist and Lovehoney sex and relationship columnist, would probably call me a prude. “Since queer people exist outside of traditional, heteronormative constructs, we’ve had to create and define our own relationships,” Zane tells Logo. “Queer people understand that a multitude of relationship types exist between a platonic friend and romantic and sexual partner. You can deeply love your best friend. You can sleep with your best friend periodically. You can be polyamorous and have casual sex partners, platonic life partners, and romantic partners. The options really are endless.”

I asked Zane if he’s ever felt emotionally cheated on. “LOL — no one cheats on me. All my partners are obsessed, and it’s hella annoying.” Geminis.

From a heteronormative, monogamous perspective, it’s probably hard to understand how emotional cheating could even happen to a queer person in a poly relationship. After all, doesn’t polyamory translate to “many loves?” It does, but the whole “ethical” part in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) necessitates communication to ensure that boundaries are respected.

“Emotional cheating can occur in ENM when expectations are not communicated properly,” Zane explains. “As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something, lying to your partner about something you’re doing or feeling towards someone else, then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

Of course, not every queer person is in an open relationship, and it’s rude to assume so. But it is true that queer people — many of whom couldn’t even marry their long-term partners until recently — tend to find new and chosen families. “These relationships are frequently emotionally close and, for some folks, can at times seem to blur lines of what is strictly friendship and what may cross into something different or more,” says Dr. Laura Obert, a licensed psychologist and LGBTQ+ coach. “For those who have a primary committed relationship, this may lay the groundwork for emotional cheating being inadvertently more accessible if the relational boundaries are not clear.”

Bisexual “Sober Sexpert” Tawny Lara notes that while it is important to establish boundaries to prevent emotional cheating, in her experience, it’s also crucial to remember that one person cannot fulfill all of your needs, even if you are monogamous. “It’s important to have strong friendships outside of your partner(s). Expecting one person to satiate your every desire is unrealistic. It’s also important to discern healthy, external friendships from what you know in your gut to be emotional infidelity. And that’s a line that only you can draw for yourself.”

Lara says she has emotionally cheated in the past to satisfy a romantic void which she wasn’t getting at home. “On The Office, I see Jim and Pam’s relationship while she was with Roy as emotional infidelity. She confided in Jim, cried to Jim, had an intimate connection with Jim for years before they finally kissed, and she left her fiancé.” Not only can Lara pull fantastic pop culture references out of thin air, but she has been on both sides of the emotional-cheating equation. Lara found out that a former partner was texting his ex for weeks, including during a surprise birthday party she threw for him.

“I saw the ‘I miss you too’ texts pop up on his phone and was completely devastated,” she remembers. “It’s hard to compare that pain to the pain felt from a physical affair, but I definitely think there’s a difference between having a long-term emotional connection with someone versus a one-time fling. They can both cause pain, but an emotional affair has a particular sting to it.”

During the isolation of lockdown, physical cheating became more high-stakes than ever. While emotional pain and STIs are always risks, now you could get the potentially fatal COVID-19 virus from kissing. Unless you live with your partner, you likely couldn’t even regularly have sex with them.

While we couldn’t go to bars or sex clubs, we certainly could spend time on social media — perhaps too much time. Who didn’t end up at least chatting up an ex after sliding into their DMs one lonely night to make sure they were still alive? “It would make perfect sense that people reached out virtually and emotionally to find a sense of connection and meaning in a world that seemed to have gone sideways,” says Shut Up and Listen to Yourself author and LGBTQ+ therapist Dr. Joshua Estrin. Does this count as emotional cheating? Maybe, or maybe it would be par for the course in your queer friend group. We are pretty good at staying friends with our exes, after all. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide what kind of digital communication with current or former paramours is or isn’t permissible.

There’s truth to some stereotypes. Yes, some queer relationships between two women can provide more emotional availability than what your average straight girl is used to receiving from the West Elm Calebs of the world. And sure, some queer men are probably better at handling jealousy than the presumably cis, straight girls West Elm Caleb attracts.

Being part of the LGBTQ+ rainbow is fabulous, but lines can get blurry with all of those colors. Like everything, defining and identifying emotional cheating within a queer relationship requires communication and boundaries. You’ll hurt yourself and others without boundaries, whether it’s the fallout after your secret Zoom dates with an ex during the pandemic inevitably explode, or after you end up telling your boss things your partner doesn’t even know. Boundaries are essential, which is why I’m proud of my aforementioned ex for blocking me even though we ended on rough terms.

Complete Article HERE!

Can Xanax Cause Erectile Dysfunction?

By Laura Dorwart

Xanax (alprazolam) can cause sexual side effects, including low libido (sex drive) and erectile dysfunction (ED).1 Xanax is a prescription medication used to treat anxiety disorders, such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and panic disorder. It is also sometimes used to treat insomnia, muscle spasms, and seizures.2

Xanax belongs to the benzodiazepine drug class, which works by slowing down central nervous system (CNS) activity. Some of the most common side effects of Xanax include drowsiness, dry mouth, irritability, dizziness, headache, and difficulty concentrating.2

This article will discuss why Xanax causes sexual dysfunction for some people, how to manage Xanax and ED, and more.

Does Xanax Cause ED?

Many prescription medications used to treat mental health conditions have sexual side effects. Recent research shows that Xanax (alprazolam) has been linked to erectile dysfunction (ED). ED can involve difficulty getting or sustaining an erection, abnormal ejaculation, and delayed or diminished orgasms.3

In clinical trials, people who were taking Xanax for symptoms of panic disorder experienced sexual dysfunction. Of the people who took Xanax, 7.4% reported having sexual side effects compared to 3.7% of people who were given a placebo (an inactive pill).4

In another study, people with panic disorder symptoms experienced a reduced sex drive, orgasm dysfunction, and ED when taking Xanax.5 Results from a Boston Area Community Health Survey in 2013 also associated long-term benzodiazepine use with increased ED symptoms among people aged 30 to 79.1

Xanax Sexual Side Effects

Xanax has been linked to a number of possible sexual side effects, including:

The risk of sexual side effects from Xanax may increase for people who take it more often, for a longer period of time, and/or at a higher dose. A 2018 case study revealed that higher doses of alprazolam could raise the risk for anorgasmia among male patients.6

Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

It’s not entirely clear why Xanax sometimes causes ED. However, researchers believe that the answer could be related to how the drug affects the central nervous system (CNS). 

Benzodiazepines like Xanax work by slowing down CNS activity and increasing the levels in the brain of certain neurotransmitters (chemicals that carry signals between nerve cells), specifically dopamine and gamma amino-butryric acid (GABA)—a neurotransmitter that acts as a sort of sedative.7

While this mechanism effectively reduces stress, it may have the same inhibitory effect on libido and sex drive. Low libido can lead to ED and other kinds of sexual dysfunction.

Even if your ED symptoms started around the time you began taking Xanax, it’s possible that your symptoms are due to another physical or mental health condition. Other common causes for ED may include:3

Most people take Xanax to treat symptoms of anxiety and other mental health conditions. Because anxiety and depression have both been linked to (and can exacerbate) ED, it’s important to address your underlying conditions as well as any sexual side effects you might experience from Xanax.8

Managing Erectile Dysfunction on Xanax

There are several possible ways to manage Xanax-related sexual dysfunction, including:

  • Lowering your dose: Under the supervision of your healthcare provider, you might be able to take a lower dose of Xanax to decrease the severity of sexual side effects.6
  • Taking Xanax less frequently: Chronic and frequent use of benzodiazepines is linked to higher rates of ED.1 Taking Xanax less often may improve your sexual functioning. Discuss your dosing schedule with your healthcare provider.
  • Switching to another medication: Your healthcare provider might be able to prescribe another antianxiety medication with a lower risk of ED.
  • Taking medications for ED: Taking prescription medications to treat ED may counteract the sexual side effects of Xanax.
  • Treating underlying conditions: Treating the symptoms of underlying conditions, such as anxiety and depression, can improve your overall sexual health.

Talk to Your Healthcare Provider

If you experience ED or other sexual side effects while taking Xanax, talk to your healthcare provider. They may be able to prescribe another medication, lower your dose, or refer you to another specialist who can help.

Summary

Xanax (alprazolam) is a common prescription medication that belongs to the class of drugs known as benzodiazepines. Usually, Xanax is prescribed to treat anxiety disorders and panic disorder. It may also be prescribed to treat seizures, insomnia, and muscle spasms.

Some people who use Xanax report experiencing sexual side effects. In addition to erectile dysfunction (ED), some people with Xanax experience reduced sex drive, anorgasmia, problems with ejaculation, and orgasm dysfunction. These sexual side effects may be due to the drug’s effects on the central nervous system.

People who experience ED while taking Xanax should talk to their healthcare provider about how their treatment could be modified to reduce this side effect.

A Word From Verywell

If you are experiencing sexual side effects while taking Xanax, don’t be afraid to reach out to your healthcare provider. They can offer alternatives and other solutions to help you treat your condition while improving your sexual functioning.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • How does antidepressant medication cause erectile dysfunction?
    Antidepressant medications and other psychotropic drugs can cause erectile dysfunction (ED) by affecting the activity of hormones and neurotransmitters. For example, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) may cause sexual side effects due to the drug’s impact on serotonin, dopamine, and testosterone levels.9

    Xanax (alprazolam), which is usually prescribed to treat anxiety, may cause ED and reduce sexual drive by slowing down central nervous system activity.7

  • What are the other side effects of Xanax?
    In addition to sexual side effects such as erectile dysfunction and low libido, Xanax can cause side effects like headache, drowsiness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, difficulty urinating, dizziness, nausea, constipation, and changes in appetite.

    More severe side effects may include difficulty breathing, skin rashes, problems with speech or coordination, seizures, and disorientation.2 If you have any of these side effects, seek medical attention immediately.

  • Does Xanax lower testosterone?
    It’s unclear exactly how Xanax (alprazolam) affects testosterone levels, as research is limited. The only study found was an older one on rats that showed Xanax did not affect testosterone levels.10

    Complete Article HERE!

  • What Is The Kinsey Scale?

    Visualizing Sexuality As A Spectrum

    The Kinsey scale.

    By Stephanie Barnes

    Charts and scales can help better explain many things in life, and sexuality is no different. One of the most popular scales used to understand sexuality is the Kinsey Scale, which was created to help describe a person’s sexual orientation. Though not without its limitations, this scale can be a useful way for some people to make sense of their sexual orientation.

    What is the Kinsey Scale?

    The Kinsey Scale is a visual representation of sexuality along a spectrum ranging from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. Originally called the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, the Kinsey Scale was created by Drs. Alfred Kinsey, Wardell Pomeroy, and Clyde Martin and first introduced in their book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in 1948.

    “The scale was created as a way to ‘measure’ someone’s sexual orientation beyond simply heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, based on a spectrum-like scale where ‘exclusively heterosexual’ was on one end and ‘exclusively homosexual’ on the other,” explains Anne Hodder-Shipp, multi-certified sex and relationships educator and founder of Everyone Deserves Sex Ed.

    At the time, Kinsey’s research found that most people fell somewhere between the two, Hodder-Shipp notes. This, and much of Kinsey’s research, was considered subversive and groundbreaking for its time.

    That said, today the scale is considered to have some limitations, both in terms of its ability to accurately represent the vast array of experiences of sexuality and because it excludes nonbinary folks. Not everyone will feel like they fit into one of these seven categories, and that’s OK.

    How it started.

    The Kinsey Scale was named after Alfred Kinsey, who is widely considered one of the 20th century’s most significant sex researchers, according to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. It’s no stretch to say that without his work, today’s sexual landscape would look very different and less diverse.

    Kinsey, who was an entomologist, was hired at Indiana University to teach sex education, but there wasn’t much to draw from. So, with the help of a team of grad students, he began doing his own research, much of which ultimately changed the world of sexual education and understanding.

    The Kinsey Scale was developed in an attempt to show how sexual orientation (specifically, heterosexuality and homosexuality) existed on a continuum, or spectrum. A common misconception today, Queen adds, is that “Kinsey was trying to codify a binary way of looking at sex. This is ahistorical, though.”

    “People did think in binary, either/or terms in those days to a significant degree,” she notes but adds, “Among other things, the Kinsey scale illustrates how significant bisexuality is since everything in the middle of the scale could be called bisexual.”

    How the Kinsey scale is used.

    As mentioned, the Kinsey scale is used to categorize a person’s sexual attraction between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual. The scale runs from zero to six and includes an additional category labeled X, which attempts to represent asexuality.

    Here’s what each label represents:

    • 0: Exclusively heterosexual behavior or attraction
    • 1: Predominantly heterosexual and only incidentally homosexual behavior or attraction
    • 2: Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual behavior or attraction
    • 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual behavior or attraction
    • 4: Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual behavior or attraction
    • 5: Predominantly homosexual and only incidentally heterosexual behavior or attraction
    • 6: Exclusively homosexual behavior or attraction
    • X: No socio-sexual contacts or reactions 

    (Note: Some versions of the scale use the term “slightly” instead of “incidentally,” and “mostly” instead of “predominantly.” So for example: “Mostly heterosexual and only slightly homosexual.”)

    Pros & cons of the scale.

    We know much more today about sexual orientation, attraction, and human sexuality, and so while the Kinsey Scale was groundbreaking for its time, it also has its limitations. Like everything else, it has its pros and cons.

    Pros:

    1. It acknowledges the spectrum of sexuality.

    The Kinsey Scale does an excellent job of debunking the “either/or” thinking surrounding sexuality. It was the first scientific scale to put forward the idea that sexuality is a continuum and isn’t limited to being just heterosexual or homosexual. As Queen points out, the scale shows that sexual orientation can exist on a spectrum, and much of the spectrum thinking we do today—the ace spectrum, for instance—owes a lot to this conceptualization.

    2. It highlights bisexuality.

    The Kinsey Scale emphasizes the existence of bisexuality and the many ways a person can experience it in its categories one through five. Kinsey’s research at the time found 37% of the men interviewed had some kind of same-sex experience between adolescence and adulthood, and this number jumped to 50% for unmarried men by the age of 35. Among women, 13% had a same-sex experience. This data was groundbreaking for its time and made it clear that human sexuality was vast.

    “It really helped make bisexuality visible, as well as helping bring homosexuality out of the closet. In my day (the ’70s, when I came out), the gay movement very openly acknowledged its debt to Kinsey,” Queen says.

    3. Aids in understanding.

    Queen says the Kinsey Scale can help a person (or a clinician working with people around sexuality issues) understand their own or their client’s sexual experience, help them visualize their sexual orientation if they find it helpful to do so, and show that this experience is on a continuum and there may be room for them to explore different options than they have so far.

    Cons:

    1. Excludes nonbinary folks.

    The Kinsey Scale “maintains the sex and gender binary,” Hodder-Shipp points out. Describing people’s behavior as exclusively some mix of “heterosexual” or “homosexual” depicts gender and sex in binary terms, making the Kinsey Scale less useful for those who are nonbinary. Some trans and intersex people may also find these categories limiting, not fully nuanced enough, or exclusionary.

    The scale wasn’t intentionally meant to exclude these groups of people, Queen notes; it is in many ways an artifact of its time, and language to describe gender diversity was simply in its infancy at the time the scale was developed.

    2. Focuses on behavior rather than identity.

    The Kinsey Scale focuses on behavior rather than identity. So rather than describing how much a person identifies as heterosexual or homosexual, it describes how heterosexual or homosexual their pattern of sexual behaviors has been. This distinction matters a lot to some people: For example, a lesbian who only came out later in life may largely have a history of having sex with men, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a lesbian.

    According to Queen, Kinsey didn’t think it was appropriate to use orientation terms as anything but adjectives—he did not want us to use these words to define ourselves, but so far he has lost that battle with history, she says. “Still, when we think about why he felt so strongly, it might point to the fluidity of identity, or the way people can engage in all sorts of behavior that doesn’t match their ‘label,’ and when we look at our history of behaviors and attractions, those are really useful insights.”

    3. Doesn’t consider romantic attraction.

    The Kinsey Scale focuses on sexual attraction without distinguishing between sexual and romantic orientations, sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes points out. For some people, there’s a difference between who we’re sexually attracted to and who we’re romantically attracted to, but this isn’t accounted for on the scale.

    4. Oversimplifies sexual orientation.

    In general, many people today argue that the scale can feel like an oversimplification of how many people experience sexual attraction. “Though it did technically create new sexual orientation ‘categories,’ the scale still simplified sexual attraction in ways that can feel arbitrary and even confusing,” Hodder-Shipp says.

    “Like, what does it mean to be ‘incidentally’ homosexual or heterosexual? Where do I fall on the Kinsey Scale if I’m not really heterosexual but also definitely not homosexual? What if I feel lovey-dovey feelings toward pretty much any gender, but only sometimes feel sexually attracted to one gender?”

    5. Can pressure people into categories they don’t resonate with.

    Some people don’t desire to label their sexual orientation or attraction at all, Menezes points out. Not everyone feels comfortable being identified as a number on a scale, and with only seven points, the options are limited. And since there is so much new information when it comes to sexuality and seemingly infinite ways to experience sexual attraction, the Kinsey Scale may not quite “fit” anymore.

    Other scales and variations.

    Today, there are several other scales that try to present a visual representation of sexual orientation and identity. Two of the more popular and inclusive ones are the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid and the Storms Sexuality Axis.

    • The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid is a direct riff on the Kinsey Scale. It was created by Fritz Klein in 1978 and has seven categories, including sexual behavior, sexual attraction, sexual fantasies, lifestyle preferences, and more. It works by having each respondent rate their preferences in each category across three different points in time—past, present, and ideal—which improves upon some of the limitations of the Kinsey Scale. The Klein scale also does a better job of including the ace spectrum, as well as other gender identity scales of today, says Queen.
    • The Storms Sexuality Axis was developed by Michael D. Storms and plots eroticism on an X and Y axis, with heterosexuality on the Y-axis and homosexuality on the X-axis. While it expands on Kinsey’s ideas, it also allows for more inclusivity and considers infinitely more categories of bisexuality as well as asexuality.

    The bottom line.

    The Kinsey Scale was incredible and ahead of its time, but in many ways, it may not quite fit how we talk about sexuality and sexual identity today. It’s not a one-fits-all situation, and you absolutely don’t have to fit or identify within the Kinsey Scale.

    If you do find yourself identifying with the parameters set on the scale, Menezes suggests “taking what you love and leaving the rest.”

    Complete Article HERE!

    8 Rules My Parents Had That Made Me Comfortable With My Sexuality

    By Jeana Jorgensen

    I was fortunate to grow up in a fairly sex-positive household. But this doesn’t mean anything inappropriate happened, like, ever. Remember, sex-positive doesn’t mean sex-fiend, and sex-positivity doesn’t connote constantly being exposed (or exposing others) to sexual things.

    I don’t know, in retrospect, that my parents would necessarily identify with the label of being sex-positive, but I’m running with it anyway.

    Here’s why I think my upbringing was sex-positive and how my parents made me comfortable with my sexuality:

    1. We established that bodies were normal and natural.

    Nudity wasn’t shamed in our household, though once my sister and I grew out of being cute toddlers it became less of a clothing-optional thing.

    2. Bodily functions were also normal and natural.

    We learned early on about periods because we were curious about what was going on with our mom.

    3. Reading wasn’t censored.

    I found a “where babies come from” book when I was pretty young (I was an advanced reader from an early age) and my parents didn’t freak out. Instead, they made sure to talk to me about it.

    4. We watched things together as a family.

    We didn’t consume tons of movies, TV, or video games, but we did watch a lot of things together, even some R-rated things (mostly foreign films). I remember my mom saying, “I’d rather you see sex than violence in movies; sex at least is natural and creative, whereas violence is destructive.”

    And given that the film Willow scared me a ton when I saw it in theaters, I was happy to follow that directive.

    5. We didn’t belong to a religious organization that shamed sexuality or promoted intolerance.

    My upbringing was mostly in a secular Jewish context, with more emphasis on family gatherings and food than dogma.

    6. Other sexualities were accepted.

    There were some non-straight people in our lives, but my parents didn’t act like we needed to be protected from them. Some of our relatives lived together in domestic units without being married. I once asked my mom what she’d do if I wanted to date women, and she replied that she’d love me all the same.

    7. Our consent was respected.

    Yes, we had to do things we didn’t want to, like chores, homework, piano practice, and not bringing books to the dinner table, but we were never forced to hug relatives or be in uncomfortable proximity to people we didn’t like or know.

    Bodily autonomy is an important lesson for children to learn, as it establishes a precedent for them as adults. Sexual violence was never dismissed, normalized, or made light of. It wasn’t a joking matter. Rape culture is damn insidious, but it didn’t have a huge foothold in our home.

    8. Gender roles weren’t emphasized as the determinants of our worth.

    Sure, my mom did the bulk of the cooking, but she was good at it (dinner with Dad meant going out or reheating leftovers). I was equally encouraged to play sports, compete on the Academic Decathlon team and take belly dance classes.

    I’m sure there are other ways in which my upbringing was sex-positive, but these are the ones that stand out. Every family is different, with their family folklore and customs both expressing and reinforcing their values.

    There are lots of ways that sex-positivity can look in the context of a family raising kids; I’m not trying to promote my own experience as normative or ideal for anyone but me.

    My sex-positive upbringing prepared me for life as an adult in many ways.

    I didn’t grow up with a sense of shame around my body — having a period, masturbating, being a woman, eventually wanting to become sexually active with others.

    I didn’t feel like sexual desire was dirty; I felt assured that my parents would love me no matter what my sexuality turned out to be (or my career or the rest of my life), and I carry that confidence and self-worth forward into all my relationships.

    I feel comfortable expressing myself in different gender roles, though I gravitate toward conventional femininity in many ways (and I acknowledge that being cis-gender comes with bunches of privilege).

    I had a working model for common-sense feminism early on; we weren’t necessarily debating gender performativity at the dinner table, but I saw my parents both conform to and rebel against gender norms in the various choices they made, while figuring out how best to nurture me and my sister.

    Reading the above paragraphs, it doesn’t seem like these experiences should be unique or revolutionary. But in our sex-phobic culture, they are.

    Complete Article HERE!

    Am I Gay?

    – Resources and Support if You’re Discovering Your Sexual Orientation

    by

    Questions about your sexual identity can be complicated. There are tons of words to describe different sexual orientations: lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, queer, pansexual, and so many more. You may be wondering which one fits you best, if any. It’s important to keep in mind that labels can be helpful in understanding your sexual identity, but if you feel like there isn’t a particular label that suits you, that’s okay and doesn’t mean your identity is any less valid.

    For some people, the question of “am I gay” is easy to answer. Some people can point to a moment when they knew they were gay, and others feel like they’ve always just known. For others, their journey of discovering their sexuality can be a little less linear. There’s no wrong way to go about it.

    But by definition, to identify as gay would mean that you feel sexual and/or romantic attraction to someone of your same gender identity, says LGBTQ+ expert Kryss Shane. “Sometimes it’s a general awareness, other times it’s self-recognition from a same-sex friendship that begins to feel like something more, and sometimes it’s through sexual exploration,” Shane explains.

    If you think that you might be gay, here are some resources and things to keep in mind as you explore your sexuality.

    You don’t have to have it all figured out.

    Like we said, there are a lot of terms people use to describe their sexual identity and/or gender orientation. Some of them might even feel like they fit for a while, but you could later decide that they don’t really describe who you are. Learning about yourself and your sexuality is a journey, and it’s actually a really beautiful thing.

    Your safety is important.

    If you don’t feel it’s safe for you to be out in certain contexts—whether with family, at work, at school, or anywhere else—you should trust that instinct. It doesn’t mean you’re denying who you are, it means you’re making the best and safest decision for you.

    You don’t have to justify or explain your identity to anyone you don’t want to.

    If you want to share your journey with people in your life, go for it! But if you’re not ready to come out yet or share this part of yourself with people, that’s okay, too. You can share as much or as little as you want when it comes to your sexual orientation.

    You aren’t alone.

    Although your journey with your sexual orientation is unique, you don’t have to do it alone. If it feels safe, you can include your loved ones as you figure it all out, but if that’s not an option for you, you’re still not alone. There are tons of supportive LGBTQ+ people who can support you on your journey.

    Some organizations you might want to look into if you’re trying to find your LGBTQ+ community are:

    • PFLAG. There are over 400 chapters across 50 states, so you can connect with LGBTQ+ people in your area who have been where you are.
    • Q Chat Space. If you’re between the ages of 13 and 19 and questioning your sexuality, you can join live online chats for LGBTQ+ and questioning teens facilitated by experienced staff who work at LGBTQ+ centers around the country.
    • TrevorSpace. This is an online community for LGBTQ+ young people ages 13 to 24, where you can join discussion groups and get advice from other people.
    • Your local LGBTQ+ community center. If you live in an area with a dedicated LGBTQ+ community center, they likely have support groups for people who are LGBTQ+ or questioning their sexual identity. They may also have groups for LGBTQ+ people of specific races, ethnicities, ages, or other intersecting identities.
    • Your local community center. Even if you don’t have an LGBTQ+ community center, your local community center may have an LGBTQ+ support group or LGBTQ+ social events that you can check out.

    Find support and comfort through queer representation.

    Reading books about LGBTQ+ people or watching LGBTQ+ movies can help you make sense of your own identity. There are tons of movies and TV shows with gay, queer, and lesbian representation that you can stream. Or you can start getting into the many LGBTQ+ podcasts out there, from ones that teach you about queer history to ones that address issues that LGBTQ+ people face today.

    You can always reach out for help if you need it.

    In addition to the above organizations that provide support groups and other forums for connecting with LGBTQ+ people, there are plenty of other resources you can turn to as you figure things out.

    • The Trevor Project. The Trevor Project has tons of resources to help you learn about different sexual orientations, mental health, gender identity, and more. They also offer LGBTQ+ informed crisis counselors you can talk to via chat, phone, or text.
    • The LGBT National Help Center. This organization operates three national hotlines to provide peer support, information, and other resources to LGBTQ people. They also offer support via online chat and weekly moderated chats for LGBTQ youth.
    • The It Gets Better Project. It Gets Better helps highlight stories and connect lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth around the world. They also have a resource page where you can find information and support about everything from crisis resources to legal assistance to housing insecurity, with a focus on LGBTQ+ people.

    Complete Article HERE!

  • Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Styles

    —Including How They Affect Your Relationships

    By

    The term “sexual styles” might first make you think of images of popular sex positions. In actuality, the phrase refers to the way in which you regard sex. Like love languages, sexual styles play a key role in how satisfied you are with your sex life (and life at large). Not sure what your sexual style is? Keep reading to learn everything you need to know about them.

    What are sex styles?

    Relationship and sex therapist Carolina Pataky, LFMT, the co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute in Florida, says that a lot affects how we connect on an individual level within relationships. “For some, building a personal, emotional connection comes first,” she says. “For others, it’s letting the sexual chemistry play a role in how the relationship transforms and develops.” That said, Pataky points out that a relationship’s initial amount of passion tends to last only from six months up to two years.

    That’s why knowing your sexual style is so beneficial. “The key to maintaining a healthy, sexual life with your partner is to create a sexual style that fits in your relationship with you and your partner to enhance the intimacy, desire, and connection between the two to continue growing and developing a healthy relationship,” she explains, noting that it plays into the entire duration of a relationship. Find out how to discover your sexual style is, below.

    Complementary

    This is the most common sex style. According to award-winning sexologist Goody Howard, the complementary sexual style focuses on both partners initiating sex acts, as well as other less sexual forms of intimacy (such as meaningful communication). “It’s a balance of personal pleasure and couple intimacy where both partners are responsible for initiation and intimacy,” she explains.

    Tacking onto this, Pataky says that having a complementary sex style means that both you and your partner are vocal about your sexual needs. “Couples who act on this type of sexual style value intimacy and eroticism in a balanced form and have the confidence and comfort to act out on their sexual fantasies,” she says.

    Pataky says that this sexual style comes with a downside, though. “Some couples may fall into treating sex as a routine versus maintaining the passion needed to maintain a healthy sex life,” she says. “In some cases, couples who have had a baby tend to get caught up in the parenting life, losing their value within their personal life, which causes them to lose intimacy and playfulness in eroticism.”

    Traditional

    The traditional sexual style—which is also very popular—is all about gender roles. “The masculine partner initiates and the feminine partner is responsible for intimacy (nonsexual love),” Howard explains. (Note that anybody, of any gender, can feel masculine or feminine.)

    Although this sex style is known for its stability, security, and clarity, Pataky says that it can lead to trouble down the road. If the masculine partner is responsible for initiating sexual acts, that can lead the feminine partner to feel unwanted if sex drives start to dwindle. And, since the feminine partner is “responsible” for intimate communication, it won’t be discussed until they bring it up.

    Soulmate

    The soulmate sexual style is best described as being best friends and partners. “Couples share intimacy and erotic pleasure at an almost cellular level that accepts the good, bad, and ugly of each person,” Howard says.

    In that way, the soulmate sexual style is heavily based in validation and acceptance. “It entails sharing intimate moments and eroticism with your partner, both sides accepting each other—faults and all—as well as giving each additional validation from emotional and sexual standpoints,” Pataky explains.

    In learning so much about a partner, though, the soulmate sex style can lead to de-eroticizing each other, Pataky warns. “You can end up feeling disappointed by your partner if they fail to meet unrealistic expectations, such as being unable to cope successfully if affairs occur,” she explains.

    Emotionally expressive

    While being emotionally open is a fantastic trait, the emotionally expressive sex style refers to passionate, yet volatile relationships. “[People with this style] use sex to resolve conflict and connect emotionally, so it burns hot, bright, and fast,” Howard explains. Pataky notes that couples with this style tend to be playful and open to sexual experimentation. “They are highly erotic and show high amounts of intensity for sex,” she says.

    The problem is, when you rely solely on sex as a coping mechanism—instead of actually discussing issues that arise—these relationships often fizzle out or implode. “Couples can become too emotional, and their sexual drama can emotionally and physically drain their bond, potentially threatening their stability,” Pataky explains. “They usually use sex to avoid their issues in the relationship, which can wear their partners out both emotionally and physically.”

    What’s my sexual style?

    Sex styles aren’t something you choose; instead, they’re about how you show up (and react) in your relationships. “If you like to initiate and receive advances, you’re probably a complementary style; if you prefer to only initiate or only receive advances, you’re probably more of a traditional sex style,” Howard says. People who prefer to be super connected emotionally to their partners are likely soulmate folks. As for someone who enjoys passion and drama in their sexual connections? Most likely an emotionally expressive person.

    Are all sexual styles compatible?

    While there’s no hard and fast rule for this, Howard says that partners with the same style tend to work best together. (“If styles were to co-mingle, though, I think complementary and soulmate styles would be the most successful,” she adds.)

    Sexual styles go beyond sex

    Sex styles impact more than just physical acts of sex. For the soulmate style, Howard says that an emotional connection is almost as important as sex. As such, their relationship, and emotions toward it as a whole, can play into how satisfied they feel during sex.

    On the opposite end of the spectrum, Howard points out that emotionally expressive folks typically avoid emotional intimacy with sex. Instead, it’s all about the act. As for complementary and traditional types, that’s where the  emotional balance and engagement come into play—hence why they’re the two most popular sex styles.

    Wherever you fall, Pataky says that getting to know which sexual style works for you will help you find the partnership that fulfills you the most. “[Discovering your sexual style is] ideal in creating those intimate moments special to you since not every sexual style is perfect for every couple,” she explains. “You have to discover the likes and dislikes of each partner, your desires, and your feelings and values—and select the balance of intimacy and eroticism that will enhance the sexual desires within the relationship.”

    Can a person’s sexual style change over time?

    Although people don’t initially choose their sex style, Howards says that, over time, they can focus on what they want and grow in that direction. “Similar to a person’s palate for food, pleasure scripts can also change and evolve throughout the lifespan,” she says. “This includes, but is not limited to sexual style.” So if you tended to be emotionally expressive or soulmate-oriented in your 20s, you might find more fulfillment in a more stable complementary or traditional bond as you age.

    Ultimately, developing your sexual style goes hand-in-hand with long-term satisfaction. “When choosing a sexual style, the essential thing is to be mindful of any vulnerabilities in all the sexual types to avoid subverting a couple’s sexuality,” Pataky says—hence why she’s quick to acknowledge the downsides of each. “The critical thing is to emphasize all the strengths in your chosen sexual style and not be ashamed or embarrassed to celebrate your sexual desires with your partner as you explore your options together.”

    That said, it’s also important to understand the role that sex should play in your relationships—or, at least, relationships that you hope to withstand the test of time. “Keep in mind that you want to choose a style that’s mutually accepted, facilitating satisfaction, pleasure, and sexual desires,” Pataky says. “Sexuality should have a role of about 15 to 20 percent in your relationship to help the vitality and your sexual happiness.”

    One more thing

    Sex styles aren’t the most heavily-researched topic in the advancement of sexual education. “I’d like to see some research on the prevalence of sexual style by community, orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic status, and so on,” Howard says. “Everything I read about this theory was from white, educated women and it was extremely heteronormative.”

    Complete Article HERE!

    My Culture Taught Me Sex is for Putas

    — Here’s How I’m Unlearning Shame

    By Jacqueline Delgadillo

    “If she’s slept with more than one man, she’s a puta,” my tía told my mom during her visit to our home in Riverside, California. I was 22 years old, and I felt heat rising to my face. I prayed no one could read the guilt in my sweat. According to my aunt’s definition, I was a puta—and her daughter was one, too. I was ashamed.

    In traditional Latinx culture, sex is reserved for cis, straight men and women after they’ve wed. Virginity—albeit a social construct—is something sacred; it belongs to your future spouse, your parents, or a higher power, but certainly not to you. Those who own their sexuality, indulge in sexual pleasure, enjoy multiple partners, or dare to speak about their sensual desires are shamed and outcasted with words like “puta” and “sucia.” By claiming their sexuality, these women are a threat to the status quo and are condemned by the same culture that celebrates male sexual prowess.

    Those who own their sexuality, indulge in sexual pleasure, enjoy multiple partners, or dare to speak about their sensual desires are shamed and outcasted.

    Growing up hearing these ideologies, I’ve often been left with more questions than answers. Thankfully, social media has introduced me to women and femmes who own their sexuality and provide sex education. Connecting with other sexually liberated folks has reminded me that I’m the CEO of my body and I’m also not alone in my journey to reclaim my sexuality and desire for myself. As I scroll through Instagram, I see Latinas and Latinx femmes talking openly about sex and finding their sexy, whatever that looks like for them. For the first time, this level of sexual and bodily autonomy seems within reach for us—except so many of us still feel icky during self-intimacy, are scared about increasing our so-called body count, and would rather give up sex altogether than have abuelita know what we do in our bedrooms late at night.

    Even when the world around us seems to make progress, there remains a tumultuous internal battle around sexual shame—and memes alone won’t heal us. Unlearning the harmful messages and feelings we’ve been taught to associate with sex and pleasure takes time and mind-body work. We spoke with four sex experts who share their advice on healing sex shame, no matter where you are on your journey.

    Irma Garcia, CSE, Sex Educator and Creator of Dirty South Sex Ed, Texas

    I lead abortion access work at Jane’s Due Process, a nonprofit organization in Texas that helps minors obtain a judicial bypass for abortions. I’m also a sex educator; in 2020, I created Dirty South Sex Ed to help my community of Black and brown folks release their sexual shame. I wanted to present sexual health information in a very relatable and palpable way.

    I was raised in a culturally conservative and religious town where young women, especially in Black and brown communities, are told that they have to present a certain way in order to be seen and valued as respectable, and that always bugged me. Since I was a young person, I’ve always been in touch with my sexuality. When I took Women’s and Gender Studies classes at the University of Texas at Austin, I was able to gain the language that I needed to talk about my experiences and found a community that helped me be my most authentic self. Stepping out of that shame and voicing my opinions on sexuality, respectability politics, and purity culture have all been freeing for me.

    As a certified sex educator, I recommend anyone who is experiencing sexual shame to try engaging in self-pleasure. For some, this could mean masturbation, but this level of self-intimacy isn’t for everyone. If you feel uneasy touching yourself, engage in other forms of pleasure like eating a cupcake (there’s a lot of stigma around food as well), resting, or doing anything that brings you joy, period. Practice giving yourself that “yes” and honoring it; this will help make it easier for you to say “yes” to sexual pleasure when you’re ready.

    Still, overcoming sex shame isn’t a goal you can achieve quickly. It’s about healing, and healing can be a lifelong journey. You can be sexually liberated and still carry some shame. Wherever you are in your journey is valid, and it’s important to see sexuality as just another component of your overall well-being.

    Dr. Janet Brito, Certified Sex Therapist and Sexual Health Educator, Hawaii

    I’m the CEO of the Hawaii Center for Sexual Relationship Health, a therapeutic sex-positive practice devoted to helping people manage difficult aspects of their sexuality, gender, and reproductive health. While in this role I now mostly focus on program development, supervision, and management, I still wear a clinical hat, providing sex therapy for individuals and couples. I also run the Sexual Health School, which is an online training program for individuals who want to be trained in sex therapy.

    As a queer woman, it took my family many years to accept my sexual identity and my partners. It was the most painful thing in my life. I dealt with it by studying human sexuality in school. It was so liberating to learn about sexual health and the diversity of human sexuality. I felt like I was home. I understood that nothing was wrong with me but that there was a lot wrong with society and its scripts around gender, sexual orientation, and sexuality. I wanted to give this feeling of home and freedom to others.

    For some people, the struggle isn’t around their sexual orientation but rather their preferences. They might feel a lot of shame around being aroused by something atypical, wanting a threesome, or exploring a polyamorous relationship. There’s so much shame around doing things that are nontraditional, and there’s a lot of unnecessary pain caused by the scripts imposed on us

    As a sex therapist, it’s important for me to validate where this shame comes from. For Latinxs, some of these scripts are defined by marianismo, which values harmony, inner strength, self-sacrifice, and morality in women, and famialismo, which promotes dedication, commitment, and loyalty to family. These are beautiful traditions and they’re part of our culture, but if we hang on to something too rigidly, then it can be harmful. However, sometimes there’s some grief and loss that comes with retiring cultural values and traditions. Some can wonder, Am I betraying my culture? It’s scary. But it’s not about letting go of culture and the values that make up the richness of our community; it’s about being open to other possibilities that are not as limiting.

    Rebecca Alvarez Story, Sexologist and Co-Founder & CEO of Bloomi, California

    I’ve been a sexologist for more than 10 years. As part of my work, I provide coaching for a variety of intimacy topics for singles and couples. I’m also a consultant for multiple projects, like company education and product development. About three years ago, my two worlds came together when I started a sexual wellness and intimacy company called Bloomi.

    While there was a lot of sex positivity in the world, I realized it was hard to find in the real world. My parents did their best; we had that big awkward sex talk. But in high school, I had abstinence-only sex education. It left me curious, and I felt shame in wanting to know more. I didn’t have any conversations about sexual pleasure until I got to college. Understanding how healing and empowering these discussions were for me, I helped UC Berkeley create the first sexual wellness major. I later went into a master’s program in sexology, thinking, I’m going to make my own career out of this. I think the world needs this.

    Growing up in a Latinx household, these conversations were uncomfortable. It reminds me so much of the cultural phenomenon going on right now with Encanto’s “We Don’t Talk About Bruno.” I think so many Latinxs resonated with that song because we don’t talk about uncomfortable topics. We don’t talk about our bodies. We don’t talk about pleasure. But to heal shame and stigma we must be open about it, even if it’s to ourselves or our communities

    When it comes to healing sexual shame, it’s important to surround yourself with people who are sex-positive. This can be friends, a tía, a cousin, or anyone else. What’s important is to build a community you can lean on with these types of topics and conversations. This way, you can exist very confidently around people who hold shameful ideologies without absorbing it in the same way.

    One of the beautiful things about sexuality and our sex lives is that our desires will change throughout our life. Give yourself permission to unlearn what doesn’t serve you. One way to do this is by exploring your body and interests so you learn what does work for you. Create a life that’s full of intentional pleasure; that’s what helped make a difference for me.

    Stephanie Orozco, Podcast Host of Tales from the Clit, Boston

    Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence

    I’m the host of Tales from the Clit, a storytelling sex education podcast, and also a graduate student studying sex, sexuality, and gender as part of my Public Health master’s degree at Boston University. In many ways, my interest in sexuality and passion to destigmatize consensual sex is rooted in being sexually assaulted as a child.

    I grew up in a Mexican immigrant community, and I felt like I couldn’t turn to anyone to talk about what had happened to me. I also went to a public school in Southern California that didn’t have comprehensive sex education or instruction on consent. Alone and confused, I thought I was pregnant for eight years after I was assaulted.

    For years, I carried a lot of pain, doubt, and shame. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and have been in therapy on and off for 15 years. There wasn’t one particular thing that made me realize what I had experienced was sexual assault, but there was so much shame and pain attached to the experience that I started going to therapy because I knew it wasn’t something I could process on my own. At the time, I was so uncomfortable just being naked. To heal my relationship with my body, I first tried getting comfortable with being naked. I would hang out in my underwear while watching TV in my room alone. No one else needed to be a part of that. Once I started making peace with my body, including the parts that I didn’t like very much, it made it easier for me to think about consensual sex and be nude in front of other people.

    In 2014, when I was 21 years old and had started learning about sex, consent, and pleasure through sex educators like Sex Nerd Sandra, I started to organize sexual health events in my community. As a member of my college’s Social Observation Club, I put together a sexual health fair, panels, and interactive activities where people felt safe enough to ask questions. I set out to be the kind of sex educator that my younger self needed when I was lost and afraid. I wanted to teach comprehensive sex education that is culturally relevant to my community.

    Healing sex shame is a long-term project. This is not going to be fixed by learning how to orgasm or where the clit is. There’s more to sex education than just talking about managing STIs and pregnancy; there is anatomy, consent, and pleasure. But this isn’t going to be normalized in our communities overnight. It has to be intergenerational, and it has to start with our generation.

    Complete Article HERE!

    Sex in Young Adult Books Is Age Appropriate

    By

    It’s been a common scene recently: at a school board meeting, a parent will read out a passage from a book shelved in a high school library and exclaim some version of, “There is sex in this book!” This, we are led to believe, is a slam dunk. High school libraries should not carry sex books. Teenagers should not read sex in books. Sex is automatically inappropriate content for teenagers. But is it really age inappropriate?

    I’m reminded of a book challenge I read recently for It’s Perfectly Normal, a book about puberty aimed at ages 10 and up. In the book challenge document, the person filing the complaint had painstakingly taken pictures of every instance of nudity. The anatomical text, they explained, was fine, but the illustrations were unnecessary.

    But what could be more age appropriate for a kid going through puberty than a book that discusses puberty? How can illustrations that teach children the names of their body parts be inappropriate? And how is a book supposed to give any useful information about puberty without mentioning the mere existence of sex or nudity?

    55% of American teenagers have had sex by the time they’re 18, and 29% are sexually active. Whether or not adults want that to be true, sex is part of many teenagers’ lives. And whether or not they’re having sex, it’s absurdly naive to think that they’re only encountering the topic in school library books.

    While there are no concrete stats available for American teens, a study of European teens across six countries found 59% had watched porn, and 24% watch porn at least once a week. The information teens would get about sex education from the books in their libraries would be much more safe and realistic than learning from porn.

    Reading about sex can serve different purposes for teens. It may be educational: to learn about consent and safer sex practices. It can model a healthy relationship to sexuality, including establishing boundaries and getting clear consent.

    For teens who aren’t having sex, or who are unsure about their sexuality, books can be a safe way to “dress rehearse” sex with no stakes. Reading about sex can allow them to think about how they might feel in that situation, and gauge whether it’s something they want to pursue. This is a much safer strategy than just jumping into a scenario they’re not sure they’re mentally or emotionally prepared for.

    It can also just serve the same purpose sex does in adult fiction: because it’s realistic for those characters and suits the story. It doesn’t have to be educational. Many teenagers have sex, and there’s nothing wrong with being able to see that reality in the books they’re reading. YA books don’t just exist to mold teens into perfect citizens. They’re for entertainment, to provoke thought, and to play all the other myriad parts books do in our lives.

    (Side note: high school libraries are not carrying pornography. None of those books exist solely for sexual interest, and it’s ridiculous to think that an isolated comics panel or paragraph in a book is where teens will be looking if that was their main objective. Having sexual content is not the same as being pornographic.)

    Having sex as a teenager isn’t ethically wrong. It’s not a crime. For every person, they’re going to have different boundaries about when it’s safe and comfortable to do so, if they want to at all, and they shouldn’t feel pressure to have sex. But acting like the very topic is scandalous and shameful does not make those choices easier. Giving teenagers the information to make their own informed decisions makes for better outcomes.

    Many of the people protesting sex education books or sex in YA will say that it’s a discussion that should be between a parent and their child — an old abstinence-only education talking point. The truth is, many (most?) teenagers do not feel comfortable talking to their parents about sex. And with the over-the-top displays of outrage we’ve seen in these board meetings from parents on the topic, how would they? As nice as it is to imagine that every student will be able to walk up to a trusted adult in their life and ask any questions on their mind about sex, it’s not realistic.

    Besides, even if that was true for most students — even if, somehow, 90% of teens felt perfectly comfortable asking their parents for birth control tips — that shouldn’t be how we build our public school systems. We should be watching out for the students who don’t have a safe support network. What about the teens who have difficult relationships with their caregivers? Why should they be left with no resources to educate themselves? Modeling an education system around the idea that every student has an ideal home environment is worthless.

    Lev Rosen, author of Jack of Hearts (And Other Parts), has seen his book frequently challenged even before the most recent wave of censorship. His book addresses questions about sex that real teens across the U.S. have asked. He explains:

    Teenagers want to know these things. Giving them answers and telling them not to be ashamed of their desires and how to pursue them safely and consensually isn’t hurting them, it’s helping them take control of their bodies and wants.

    In addition to the fact that sex is an uncomfortable topic for most teens to broach with their parents or guardians, questioning your sexual orientation or gender can be even more confusing and isolating. Books allow for that exploration without having to talk to your family about labels that you’re not even sure fit you. For students with homophobic or transphobic families, these books can be a lifeline to let them know that they’re not alone, and that they will be able to find a community.

    For queer kids in particular, Rosen worries about the effect that the homophobia and transphobia amplified in these school board meetings will have on them:

    Imagine being a closeted student and watching some mom of your peer — or yourself — cry about how she’d be horrified if her teenager came home with a book about a queer person. That means if you went home and said you were queer, you’d be hated, probably more than the book.

    In addition to sex education books, puberty books, and sex in YA novels, these book banners also object to the mention of rape or abusive relationships. They argue that students should be protected from this content. But 10% of American teens report having experienced sexual violence — 15% for girls — and 8% have experienced physical dating violence.

    What message are we sending to kids and teens who have experienced sexual assault, that their experiences are too shameful and inappropriate to even acknowledge? How can their own life experience be age inappropriate? And how can we protect teens from unhealthy romantic relationships when we won’t even acknowledge they exist?

    It’s a sign of how pervasive abstinence culture is that saying a book in a high school library has sexual content is supposed to be inherently scandalous. Teens deserve to access to these books, both for practical purposes and because they should be able to read stories that are relevant and interesting to them, not just the sanitized 50-year-old classics the adults in their life want them to read.

    Of course, the topic of sex in teen books is in some ways a smoke screen. Book banners know that saying they want to ban a book because it has queer content or because it has a Black main character is likely not going to be received well, so instead they insist they’re just outraged about the sexual content or profanity, and that’s it’s a coincidence all the books they object to are queer and/or by authors of color.

    Look, talking about teenagers having sex or reading about sex or thinking about sex is uncomfortable. But don’t let that discomfort rob students of valuable resources. Being a teenager is hard enough. We don’t need to make it worse.

    Complete Article HERE!

    Inside the push to study sex in space

    NASA is weirdly prudish when it comes to doin’ it in the final frontier. These researchers want to change that.

    By Mark Hay

    Late last year, a team of five Canadian academics published a proposal calling upon major space organizations “to embrace a new discipline” of study. This new discipline, they argued, may prove vital to the success of planned efforts to push deeper into space — and potentially build off-world human settlements. They called this supposedly game-changing new field of research “space sexology: the scientific study of extraterrestrial intimacy and sexuality.”

    In other words: doin’ it in space.

    “Rocket science may take us to outer space,” the proposal’s authors added in a related article. “But it will be human relationships that determine if we thrive as a spacefaring civilization.”

    It’s easy to brush this proposal off as the frivolous musing of horny academics overstating the importance of their specialties in hopes of building a playground in which they can pursue their pet interests freely. But if you pick through the text, it actually lays out a simple yet compelling argument.

    If we ever truly want to establish off-world settlements — and people like Elon Musk do aim to do just that by 2050 — then we need informed plans for managing relationships and reproduction in those outposts. Sexual intimacy is vital for most people’s physical and mental health, so astronauts on multi-year missions may want, or even need, to maintain some kind of sex life while in space. We know that space environments can seriously warp any number of bodily processes, and by extension that sex and intimacy in space will not work like they do on earth. Yet there has never been a concentrated, dedicated effort to hash out the details of how to manage these core aspects of human life beyond our little blue orb.

    Maria Santaguida, a psychologist at Concordia University and one of the proposal’s co-authors, notes that she and her colleagues are not the first to highlight the importance of studying sex in space. A handful of researchers spread across several continents and disciplines have been pushing this point for at least 30 years. Over the last few years especially, concerns about our collective lack of knowledge in this field have started to catch on with the public as well. A few artists have even created eye-catching speculative designs and prototypes of contraptions meant to help astronauts get down in the void in an effort to get people thinking about the issue.

    Yet major space exploration and research players have historically dismissed these piecemeal calls to action, often aggressively and even derisively, as irrelevant to their work. Advocates of space sex research chalk this up to a mixture of limited bandwidth leading to the prioritization of other pressing concerns, and a pervasive culture of sexual conservatism created by the structure and funding mechanisms behind most agencies.

    “But change is happening,” Santaguida told Mic. Change that might open avenues for a fleshed-out proposal like her team’s to attract concentrated support, and gain some traction with space agencies, as well as private industry players.

    Everything We (Don’t) Know About Sex In Space

    Since the early days of human space exploration in the mid-20th century, we’ve recognized that low gravity environments have major effects on almost every human bodily system — like blood flow, muscle and skeletal strength, and even hormonal balances. We’ve also recognized that, without the protection of earth’s magnetic field, people in space are exposed to wildly high levels of ambient radiation that, over time, can mess with our bodies and DNA, potentially leading to a host of conditions ranging from radiation sickness to cancer to nerve degeneration.

    Early space biology understandably put its focus on figuring out how to keep astronauts alive in this hostile environment, and how to rehabilitate them once they return to earth. These early space missions were also so intense, brief, and cramped — usually just a couple of people in a tiny metal can hurtling into a brutal and unknown vacuum — that there was no reason to consider sex.

    But in the 1980s, after the Soviet Union launched the Mir, a groundbreaking space station that allowed astronauts to remain in space for months on end, space scientists, including some on the United States National Research Council, started to raise concerns about the effects of long-term space travel on sexual and reproductive health. Reports from the time stress how little we knew about the effects of space environments on fertility and sexual functioning. And when the USSR started running co-ed missions, also in the 80s, public commentators got to musing in the press about the prospect of sex in space: Was it happening? What would it be like? Would it even be safe?

    Over the last decade or so, the increasingly real prospect of space tourism and settlement efforts has fueled a new burst of popular interest in extraterrestrial sex. Articles, conferences, and even TV specials on the nitty-gritty details of how doing it in space might or might not work now abound. They detail how, in low gravity environments, any thrust or push might send two people flying away from each other. How low gravity’s effects on hormone levels and blood flow might take a toll on people’s sex drive, and make it hard to get physically aroused. How liquids pool up for lack of gravity, potentially leading to giant globs of sweat and cum floating about.

    In the 80s, NASA reportedly dismissed concerns about the effects of space on sexual health as “professional carping” by biologists — a big stink over nothing. “They believe the animal studies in space that some scientists have called for are difficult and uninformative,” Celia Hooper of United International Press wrote in a 1988 expose on the topic. A waste of cargo space.

    “Research on human intimacy and sexuality in space — including their socio-cultural and psychological components — is quasi-nonexistent.” – Simon Dubé, co-author of the space sexology proposal

    Eventually, the agency changed its tune. A NASA representative told Mic it and its partners have “studied the basic science of reproductive physiology in several species including fruit flies, worms, snails, jellyfish, fish, frogs, chicken (bird) eggs, and rodents. Other research studies have also been completed using bull and human sperm.” Several other space agencies and external research groups have conducted their own studies on space’s effects on sexual and reproductive health, and academics have just started to compile comprehensive reviews of their findings.

    However, one review published in 2018 by the scientists Alex Layendecker and Shawna Pandya argues that the data generated by these experiments “are scant, often conflicting, and do not provide enough information to definitively say whether or not [reproductive] physiological processes can safely and successfully occur in a space environment.” Notably, data collected from animal models may not apply to human subjects; data collected during short experiments in one specific space environment may not tell us anything about the effects of long-term missions in an environment with a unique gravity and radiation profile; and data on one stage of reproduction doesn’t necessarily tell us anything about space’s effects on another stage of reproduction.

    “If you were to take reproduction and break it down into all of its various parts,” the space medicine expert Kris Lehnhardt told National Geographic, also in 2018, “there’s never really been a dedicated scientific program that looked at how each of these steps is affected.” At best, we can hazard sporadic guesses at the effects of any given space environment on people’s reproductive organs, on the process of conception and gestation, on a newborn child.

    And Simon Dubé, another Concordia University psychologist and co-author of the space sexology proposal, adds that all this research only tackles one narrow sliver of human sexual experiences: reproduction. “Research on human intimacy and sexuality in space — including their socio-cultural and psychological components — is quasi-nonexistent,” he told Mic.

    “No research has explored intimate relationships, nor the human experience of sexual functions and wellbeing, in space or space analogues, or how any of this can affect crew performance.”

    Why Space Agencies Don’t Want To Talk About Sex

    Whenever reporters or researchers push space agencies to talk about not just reproductive health but the act of sex itself — much less intimate relationships — they usually just clam up.

    When Mic asked NASA for comment on the sex-and-relationship-specific concerns and research priorities outlined in the Canadian academics’ space sexology proposal, a representative said they had “not reviewed this proposal, so it would not be appropriate for us to comment on it.”

    No other agencies responded to requests for comment.

    Some observers argue space agencies only attend to, or engage with questions on, reproductive health because they aren’t interested in off-world tourism or settlement — just raw space science.

    Sure, they’re planning ambitious exploration projects, like NASA’s Project Artemis, which will involve prolonged stays on the moon, and then eventual human travel to Mars. These missions could leave small teams of astronauts in space for years on end. But NASA and other big space agencies have reportedly long feared that intimate relationships could jeopardize crew stability, rather than contribute to astronauts’ mental and physical wellbeing. So, they’ve traditionally called for abstinence on missions.

    “We are primarily concerned with ensuring crew members’ health and safety in space for long periods of time,” the NASA representative told Mic. “Our Human Research Program is working to mitigate the five hazards of human spaceflight and researching ways to help crews work together and remain emotionally prepared during their journey.”

    “Although astronauts are held as professionals, long term missions beginning at two and a half years open possibilities for conception.” – Seth Barbrow, U.S. military physician

    “Should a future need for more in-depth study on reproductive health in space be identified, NASA would take the appropriate steps.” But, they added, “we are not currently seeking proposals or considering a dedicated field or project office on this topic.”

    Periodically, rumors circulate about astronauts breaking tacit no-sex rules. Notably, in 1992 two NASA astronauts secretly fell in love and got married during training, told their superiors about their relationship when it was too late to alter their mission, and went to space together, spurring a ton of tabloid gossip. Tellingly, astronauts usually respond to these rumors with either offhand dismissal, or borderline indignation at the thought that they’d ever consider having sex in space, and by so doing supposedly jeopardizing their missions. “We are a group of professionals,” NASA’s Alan Poindexter told reporters back in 2010 when asked if any hot action went down during a two-week mission to the International Space Station. “We treat each other with respect, and we have a great working relationship. Personal relationships are not … an issue.”

    “We don’t have them and we won’t.”

    Valeri Polyakov, a Russian cosmonaut who spent 437 days in space in the ‘90s, did keep a diary in which he noted that state psychologists recommended he take a sex doll with him to deal with any urges he might have, and suggested that the Mir had a small collection of dirty movies. But he rejected this recommendation, and said that his horniness just faded after he ignored it.

    Several doctors argue that banking on abstinence during long-term space missions is a naïve position to take — including at least one United States military physician. In a 2020 policy memo, Seth Barbrow of the Military Academy wrote: “Although astronauts are held as professionals, long term missions beginning at two and a half years open possibilities for conception.”

    However, agency critics often argue that this is not pure naivete. Willful sexual ignorance, after all, is out of character for a group of serious scientists.

    Instead, these critics and skeptics believe the agencies’ stony silence on sex stems from the fact that they all rely primarily on state funding. NASA actually allegedly censored images of human nudity on several probes sent into space, which were meant to show any aliens who might encounter them what humans look like, because of concerns about how the public, and Congress, would react to them sending porn into space.

    “All it takes is one member of Congress complaining about smut to torpedo future funding,” says Jon Lomberg, a space artist who worked on those probes. “Why would NASA risk it?”

    The Free Market Fails Again

    Whatever their reasoning, if the major space agencies are not going to explore sex in space, some argue that private space organizations, like Musk’s SpaceX or Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin, might pick up the torch. After all, they’re not only free to pursue their own interests — they’re also the main forces pushing for the creation of space tourism ventures and off-world settlements.

    But these private organizations have been awfully quiet about sex and intimacy in space as well. Musk notably brushed off concerns about the effects of space on any aspect of human biology, arguing that his job is just to work out the hardware of how to get to Mars cheaply, quickly, and reliably. Mars One, the defunct organization that planned to settle Mars, also waved away questions about sex by saying that it’d give every settler ample contraception, tell them about the known risks of space environments for sex, reproductive health, and child development, and see what happened.

    Neither Blue Origin, SpaceX, or any other private space venture Mic reached out to replied to a request for comment.

    “Everyone is focused on the hardware” that will get us farther into space, Lehnhardt said back in 2018 of these sorts of ventures. “And the hardware is great, but in the end it’s the squishy meat-sack that messes everything up. Ignoring the human system, if you will, in future plans and designs is only going to lead to failure,” no matter how impressive a firm’s hardware may be.

    Academics, either independent or ensconced in universities, also tend to have more freedom to explore subjects that the big space agencies might not want or be able to work on themselves. After all, they’ve been the ones leading the sporadic charge to improve research on sex in space for decades now. But scholars have their own funding and bandwidth limitations — and often lack access to actual space resources, forcing them to run experiments in rough analogue simulations of actual space flights, which inherently limits the potential of their research. The team behind the recent space sexology proposal note that while they want to connect the discipline to a major space agency they also think it’s important to build ties to universities, private corporations, and anyone else who might have relevant resources.

    “We need to bring everyone to the table to holistically address the transdisciplinary challenges of human eroticism in space, and facilitate wellbeing, as we journey to the final frontier,” says Judith Lapierre, a Université Laval health expert, and one of the co-authors of the proposal.

    The Future of Space Sexology

    So, how is a simple proposal to create a new field of study going to turn this tide of systematic neglect and ignorance? Why does this team of academics believe their appeal will gain traction with major space agencies when decades of (admittedly ad hoc) space sex advocacy has failed?

    Dave Anctil, a scientific ethics expert at the Collège Jean De Brébeuf and one of the proposal’s co-authors, says it all comes down to calendars. The closer space agencies and private companies get to launching their big projects, he argues, the harder it’s become for them to ignore all the human aspects of these ventures that they’ve long shunted to the side. They may not want to acknowledge sex and intimacy. But it’s slowly shoving its way into their faces.

    “More and more researchers around the globe and people working in the space sector recognize that addressing human intimate and sexual needs in space is one of the keys to unlocking our long-term expansion into the universe,” Santaguida told Mic.

    “There has been great positive interest in our proposal from the media, the public, and some people working in the space sector,” adds Dubé. “We hope to leverage this interest to make innovative collaborations and science happen in the near future.”

    These may sound like the unduly optimistic platitudes of activists. But there are faint signs that the team may be onto something. Notably, NASA seems far more receptive to questions about sex and intimacy in space than they have been in the past — when they might have just ignored queries like Mic’s. There’s also some paper trail evidence that people within NASA are trying to push the agency to funnel money into ambitious new sexual health projects.

    Of course, even if the Canadian team’s proposal to create a new field does gain traction as they hope, moving from a tentative framework to a living, breathing, and productive project will be a long, complicated process. Notably, the academics and their allies will have to figure out how to design robust experiments, and perform them ethically, in space or space-like environments.

    But Dubé is confident that they’ll figure something out, so long as they can get enough dedicated resources for space sexology to thrive. After all, space science has always been about taking big swings, and then just kinda making them work. And, Lapierre adds, as humans push into space, “it would be nothing short of unethical to let these roadblocks stand in the way of knowledge.”

    Complete Article HERE!

    What to know about managing sexual frustration

    Sexual frustration describes a state of irritation, agitation, or stress resulting from sexual inactivity or dissatisfaction. There are many possible causes of this sensation, and it can manifest differently from person to person. Individuals experiencing sexual frustration may benefit from finding other outlets for releasing their sexual energies.

    by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

    Sexual frustration is a natural response that many people experience at one time or another. It refers to an imbalance between a person’s sexual desires and their reality. Some people assume sexual frustration only applies to those with a high sex drive. However, it occurs in anyone whose sexual arousal is not met with sufficient activity, leading to tension.

    Sexual behavior is a complex human endeavor that can affect physical and mental well-being. While sexual frustration can present differently among individuals, it can cause negative health effects and lead to anger, recklessness, anxiety, and depression.

    In this article, we explore the concept of sexual frustration, the possible signs, how it can impact health, and how individuals can manage this condition.

    Many people view sexual experiences as an essentialTrusted Source aspect of their quality of life. Having unmet sexual desires may lead to feelings of discontent. Sexual frustration does not refer to a person’s libido. Instead, it describes a person being unable to satisfy the sexual arousal they are experiencing.

    Sexual frustration is a common experience, and it can affect many people regardless of age, gender, sexuality, and relationship status. Many factors can contribute to this sensation, including sexual inactivity, sexual dissatisfaction, or sexual dysfunction.

    There are no known health conditions associated with sexual frustration. A 2018 surveyTrusted Source found that “sexless” Americans report similar levels of happiness as their sexually active counterparts.

    However, a 2021 study indicates that sexual frustration may increase the risk of violence, aggression, and crime. Restrained sexual behaviors may also negatively affect a person’s efficiency at work, according to a 2016 study.

    Evidence suggests an association between sexual and mental health. A 2020 studyTrusted Source notes an association between sexual dissatisfaction and depressive symptoms and lower rates of mental well-being.

    A person experiencing sexual frustration may also begin displaying reckless behaviors. In an attempt to satisfy their sexual urges, a person may engage in riskier sexual activitiesTrusted Source, which could lead to unintentional health outcomes such as sexually transmitted infection (STI) and unintended pregnancy.

    It may be easy for people to experience stress and tension in other areas of life and attribute them to sexual frustration. A person can begin by assessing their current mood. If they are primarily projecting negative emotions and there is no obvious nonsexual cause, then it may relate to sexual frustration.

    Potential symptoms and behaviors that could stem from or connect to sexual frustration can include:

    • feeling irritable, restless, and edgy
    • experiencing rejection from recent sexual advances
    • feeling less confident or less interested in sex
    • having less sex, masturbating less, or both
    • having sexual expectations that partners are unable to fulfill
    • performing riskier behaviors to fulfill sexual desires
    • feeling too stressed or tired to have sex or masturbate, even when there is a desire to do so
    • arguing with a partner more often and steering arguments back to the topic of sex
    • engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors such as binge eating or drinking
    • frequently fantasizing or daydreaming about sex
    • watching porn or movies with many intimate scenes

    There are many potential reasons for sexual frustration. These could include a lack of sex, unsatisfactory sex, or the inability to achieve orgasm. Understanding the cause may help a person resolve potential issues.

    Lack of sexual partners

    A person may be ready for sex but lack a partner. They may be single or in a long-distance relationship, or they may have a partner who does not want to — or cannot — have sex with them at the moment.

    Unmet expectations

    A sexual partner may impose impossible standards, criticize sexual performance, or want to engage in undesired activities. All of these behaviors may contribute to a person experiencing feelings of frustration, shame, and self-blame.

    Poor communication

    In some cases, the frustration may stem from an inability to communicateTrusted Source sexual needs or expectations.

    Some individuals may not be sexually compatible and may have sizable differences in their sex drives. Openly communicating about their desires may enable sexual partners to negotiate and discuss ways to meet each other’s needs. This can help people become more attuned to their partner’s needs and facilitate more satisfying sex.

    Medical conditions

    A 2016 studyTrusted Source suggests that people with poorer health report lower sexual satisfaction. Poor health and health-related changes such as pregnancy, childbirth, recent surgery, and illness may prevent a person from engaging in sex, which can cause their partner to be frustrated.

    Other medical conditions that may result in sexual problems include:

    Moreover, taking certain medications, such as antidepressants, opioids, birth control pills, and beta-blockers, can negatively affect a person’s libido.

    Body image issues

    A 2018 study indicates that females with genital self-image issues were less likely to engage in vaginal sex. Similarly, a 2017 studyTrusted Source notes that men’s negative attitudes about their genitals also had a direct, negative effect on their sexual satisfaction. As such, they may experience some level of sexual inhibition.

    If a person believes they are experiencing sexual frustration, they may wish to consider other outlets to help release their pent-up sexual energies. This may include:

    • Focusing on health: A person who meets their nonsexual requirements, such as nutrition and sleep, can better focus on meeting their sexual needs.
    • Masturbation: Self-stimulation can help a person release their pent-up physical and mental tension while benefitting from the same hormones released during sex.
    • Connect with friends: People are social creatures and may experience touch starvation that is nonsexual in nature. Meeting with friends may ease a person’s physical cravings for nonsexual intimacy.
    • Exercising: Physical activities can be an excellent way to release energy and also help boost a person’s mood.
    • Initiate sex: People in long-term relationships tend to have less spontaneous sex. A person can initiate sex by simply verbalizing their desire. Even a simple nudge or gesture can be enough to instigate intercourse.
    • Virtual sex: Individuals who cannot be with a partner can explore sexting, video sex, or phone sex. Sending each other nudes can help create feelings of intimacy despite the distance.
    • Communication: Openly expressing sexual needs and desires can help avoid dissatisfaction. A person can show their partner what they enjoy, voice their exact preferences, and plan how to spice things up.
    • Dating: People who wish to enter a relationship or engage in casual sex can use apps, dating sites, and other means to connect with other individuals.
    • Explore and add variety: People can explore their own bodies and their partner’s, use sex toys, and try new positions.
    • Channel the energy elsewhere: Volunteering, beginning a creative project, attending social events, visiting family and friends, or learning a new skill can be good ways to take a person’s mind off sex.
    • Listen to music: Music can improve a person’s mood and ease their frustration, even if they cannot get the sexual need they want at the moment.
    • Take medications: Sometimes, sexual frustration stems from a person’s sexual performance issues, such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Receiving treatment for these can help improve a person’s sexual experience and reduce frustration.

    A 2017 studyTrusted Source of sexual satisfaction in relationships found that males report more significant sexual distress due to their sexual problems, with the highest distress ratings being among older adults. In contrast, females report greater sexual satisfaction. Moreover, the study, which looked primarily at heterosexual couples, reported the following partner effects:

    • Greater sexual distress among male partners causes lower satisfaction in females.
    • Males who find a greater sexual desire discrepancy between themselves and their partners also report lower satisfaction.
    • The more significant the female’s sexual function, the greater the male partner’s sexual satisfaction is.

    In a related 2015 studyTrusted Source, researchers found a discrepancy between a person’s reported sexual dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction and those perceived by their spouses. The study found that partners were less likely to accurately perceive male sexual problems than female sexual problems.

    A 2020 study notes that bisexual people are more dissatisfied with their sex lives than their heterosexual counterparts.

    Sexual satisfaction is associated with relationship stability and healthy relationships. A 2018 study suggests that having high sexual satisfaction early in the relationship protects against declines in relationship satisfaction for over 20 years.

    A 2019 review notes that a set of intrapersonal, interpersonal, and environmental factors can affect the health of marital relationships. Sexual relationships, along with constructive relationships and communication skills, fall under interpersonal factors in this study.

    If a person’s sexual frustrations begin to affect other areas of their life, they may consider speaking with an expert.

    Regardless of their relationship status, a person can consult a sex therapist for their concerns about sex, body image, intimacy, sexual shame, and sexual frustration. These experts can help individuals express their needs and fantasies and reconcile their mismatched sexual drives with sexual partners.

    Sexual frustration relates to dissatisfaction with sexual experience due to a disparity between sexual desires and reality. It can involve a variety of causes and may manifest differently between individuals. People can take measures both personally and with a partner to overcome these sensations of disconnect and instead encourage a sense of fulfillment.

    Complete Article HERE!

    What to know about mismatched sex drives

    People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences

    by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

    Every couple experiences situations where one person’s sexual needs do not align with their partner’s. These situations are called sexual interdependence dilemmas.

    Mismatched sex drives, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD), is the most common of these situations.

    A 2017 study even found that around 34% of women and 15% of men report having no interest in sex at all.

    This article explores mismatched sex drives, what causes the issue, how it can affect relationships, and what couples can do to manage the situation.

    Sex drive is the motivation or desire to behave sexually or engage in sexual activities.

    Also called libido, sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies from person to person. There is no such thing as a normal sex drive. People’s interest in and desire for sex is different and may change over time.

    Sex drive mismatch is when one person experiences more or less sexual desire compared with their partner.

    Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of sexual desire in her book.

    Spontaneous sexual desire

    As the name implies, this form of desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. This desire supports the linear view of sexuality that begins with desire, followed by excitement, finally leading to orgasm.

    Nagoski states that around 70% of men have this type of sexual desire while only about 10–20% of women do.

    Responsive sexual desire

    Some people experience desire as a response to mental or physical stimulation, not from the anticipation of it. Compared with spontaneous desire, responsive sexual desire is more deliberate.

    It occurs after an external stimulus, such as watching a kissing scene on television or a partner touching them. This causes a person to feel a desire for sex.

    People’s sex drives tend to wax and wane. Many factors can affect sex drive.

    Medical factors

    Conditions that affect a person’s hormones, including pregnancy and menopause, can cause changes in a female’s libido.

    Similarly, males produce less testosterone as they age, which can cause a decline in their sex drives.

    Some may have conditions that indirectly affect libido, such as depression. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is when a person lacks the desire or motivation to have sex.

    Taking certain medications such as beta-blockers and antidepressants can also negatively affect a person’s libido.

    Aside from medical reasons, other factors can affect a sex drive of a person in a long-term relationship, as outlined in a 2018 systematic reviewTrusted Source.

    Individual factors

    These are factors that reside within the person that can affect sex drive. The following may cause sex drive to change over time:

    • level of attraction
    • understanding among couples that sexual desires fluctuate
    • feelings of having a separate identity from the couple’s identity
    • self-esteem and confidence

    Stress and fatigue may negatively impact sex drives.

    Interpersonal factors

    These are factors that exist within the context of long-term relationships. They include:

    • the couple’s responsiveness to each other
    • perceived compatibility
    • communication
    • relationship satisfaction

    The 2018 reviewTrusted Source also mentioned that sexual desire decreases as the relationship lengthens, but this was only true for women. Emotional intimacy also increases desire, and higher levels of intimacy reduce the likelihood of having low desire.

    Monotony and being overfamiliar with a partner dampen sexual desire.

    Societal factors

    These are societal influences that affect a couple’s sexual desire. These include gender expectations, expectations for couples to participate equally in the relationship, and sexual attitudes that people may consider taboo.

    When people do not address mismatched sex drives, it may lead to an unpleasant relationship dynamic.

    Partners with high sex drives who repeatedly experience rejection may develop low self-esteem and resentment toward their partners, while the people with low sex drives may feel guilty, overwhelmed, and pressured.

    A 2015 study suggests that sex drive discrepancy negatively affects sexual and relational satisfaction. However, these outcomes might be more pronounced in people in long-term relationships compared with those in short-term ones.

    Low sexual satisfaction seems to have a compounding effect on overall satisfaction. While high sexual satisfaction reported by couples contributes to 15–20%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction, reports of low sexual satisfaction in couples contribute to 50–70%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction.

    Couples can consider several tips and strategies to reduce the discrepancy and improve their sex lives.

    Be comfortable talking about sex

    While sex can be a sensitive subject, especially when there is a mismatch in libido, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue.

    Be understanding

    Even if a partner does not understand the other person’s experience or situation, showing empathy through validation, listening, and withholding judgment can help couples navigate the mismatch better.

    Having a safe space where couples can freely talk about their differences without being critical or defensive can help rekindle the spark.

    Make compromises

    Sometimes, some people are just not as sexual as their partners. A person with low libido can meet their partner halfway by still engaging in sex despite having a low sex drive.

    A 2015 study found that partners with high communal strength or those who are motivated to care about and be more responsive to their partners reported enhanced sexual and relationship satisfaction.

    However, couples willing to compromise are not restricted to sex. They can also consider alternatives.

    In a 2020 studyTrusted Source on couples’ strategies for dealing with differences in sexual desire, masturbation is the most common strategy reported by participants.

    Other alternatives to penetrative sex include oral sex, manual stimulation, and using sex toys on each other. Couples can also engage in activities that may trigger desire, such as watching intimate movies together.

    Redefine sex

    Many couples think that sex is limited to penetration.

    However, oral sex and mutual masturbation are alternatives to penetration that couples can enjoy.

    Schedule it

    Life is hectic. Scheduling sex can help couples plan and work around their schedules, so there are no competing demands to worry about.

    Planning sex can help map out the best time when both people have the most energy. It can also help build anticipation and ensure that both are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready for sex.

    Set the tone

    While sexual intercourse lasts only for a few minutes, the events beforehand are just as important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything else that happens before sex is part of foreplay.

    Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of their whole day can help people’s bodies prepare for sexual pleasure.

    Driving a partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving them compliments are just some of the things couples can do to set the mood.

    Certified therapists and counselors can help people and couples manage mismatched libidos.

    Couples can locate a certified counselor or therapist near them through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists’ (AASECT) referral directory.

    Alternatively, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists has over 15,000 marriage and family therapists for married couples who require help with their relationships.

    Couples may also try online platforms such as ReGain to seek couples counseling.

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