Month: January 2022

Posted on

A Beginner’s Guide To Swinging

& How Couples Can Get Started

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Have you ever been curious about what swinging is and if it might be something that could work for you? Whether you’re interested in trying swinging for yourself or just want to understand more about this form of nonmonogamy, here’s everything you need to know.

What is swinging?

“Swinging is a social practice involving sexual contact between consenting adults, which can involve swapping sexual partners or engaging in group sexual activities—but often is done in the context of a coupled relationship,” explains Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

Swingers engage in sexual activities outside of their main relationship as a shared bonding experience with their partner. This means that most extra-relational sex that swingers engage in happens where their partner can see and/or join in with it.

Many swingers refer to themselves as being in “the lifestyle,” which essentially means that swinging (and often other behaviors such as kink and BDSM) are an integral part of their sexual identity and inform the way that they organize their lives.

Myths about swinging.

Importantly, swinging is not cheating or an affair, despite what people often might think. Swinging is based on a foundation of consensual nonmonogamy, which means that everyone involved has full knowledge of, and approves of, the sex that occurs outside of the main pair bond.

“Most swinging is not a sexual ‘free-for-all,'” Lawrenz says. “Rather it is an orchestrated manner of like-minded sexually curious individuals engaging in activities as a means of enhancing their relationship.”

There’s a misconception that swingers are people who “are unable to commit, do not know how to create boundaries, or are in troubled relationships,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. Another misconception is that it can help save a dying relationship, adds sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. The truth is, in fact, the opposite.

“Swinging is not prophylactic for troubled relationships. It won’t prevent cheating, and it won’t save a relationship. Swinging is only recommended for couples who feel secure in their relationships,” Howard says.

Swinging vs. open relationships.

Swinging is often confused with having an open relationship, but the two terms are not entirely synonymous.

While all swingers technically have an open relationship (i.e., the permission to have sex with people outside of the relationship), not all people in open relationships are swingers. People in non-swinging open relationships often engage in their extra-sexual relationships without their partner present and sometimes even have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding hookups. In swinging, couples do a lot more sharing of the sexual experiences and sharing stories with each other about any extra experiences, because this is erotic and exciting for people who like to swing. Some swinging couples also may only be “open” to outside sexual partners in specific situations, i.e., when the couple is jointly entering into a specific swinging experience together.

Swinging is also not the same as polyamory, as polyamory involves the creation and maintenance of romantic as well as sexual bonds with multiple people. “Unlike polyamorous individuals, swingers are not actively looking for other people to form romantic relationships with,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “Typically, swingers are only looking to have sex with others with no or limited strings attached.”

Swinging is strictly sexual, and swingers often have minimal contact with and no romantic feelings for the people that they swing with.

What binds together all three concepts, however, is that they are all forms of consensual nonmonogamy and require a great amount of trust, communication, and honesty, says Brito.

Signs you might enjoy swinging:

  • You fantasize about engaging in sex outside of your partnership.
  • You get turned on by the idea of seeing your partner have sexual contact with other people.
  • You’re generally turned on by novelty and adventure.
  • You and your partner are good at communicating and know how to work through any issues that arise.
  • You are able to separate love and sex.
  • You like to watch porn featuring group sex, wife swapping, or voyeurism.
  • You and your partner trust each other completely.
  • You and your partner sometimes dirty talk about group sex or partner swapping.
  • You’ve had group sex in the past and thought it was hot.
  • You’re generally open-minded and sexually adventurous.

Important things to know before trying it:

1. Get to know the lingo.

Swinging comes with its own vocabulary. For example, one common form of swinging is for two couples to come together and “swap” partners for sex. You can engage in a “soft swap” or a “full swap” when you swing. A soft swap refers to engaging in anything up to oral sex with a person who isn’t your partner, and a full swap refers to intercourse.

It’s also worth knowing that a “unicorn” is a single woman who is open to sex with heterosexual couples (here’s our full guide to threesomes, btw), and that “closed door” refers to being OK with your partner having sex away from your line of sight.

2. Talk about expectations with your partner.

Make sure to have a detailed talk with your partner about what you will and won’t engage in when you swing together. Will you only engage in group sex together? Or will you swap partners with another couple? What are you looking to get out of swinging? Make sure that you both have the same goals and reasons for opening up.

It’s really important that you don’t coerce your partner into going along with what you want, Brito adds. Swinging will only be enjoyable if both parties are enthusiastic and informed.

3. Think about what safer sex precautions you’ll need to take.

It’s essential that you have a conversation beforehand about what forms of protection you’ll use and what level of risk you’re OK with. Using barrier protection methods such as condoms can lower your risk of STIs and pregnancies, but no protection is 100% secure. Therefore, you should discuss what you will do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or a positive STI test.

4. Plan a check-in.

After your first time swinging, you’re going to have a lot of emotions! Hopefully they’ll all be positive, but it’s very likely that you might feel confused, guilty, or overwhelmed along with all the excitement.

A top tip is to put aside some time for you two as a couple to reconnect and check in with each other after the experience. You can discuss how the experience was for you, what went well, what was challenging, and anything you might like to alter if you try the experience again. Enlisting the help of a sex-positive therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy can also work wonders in this situation.

5. Connect to a network.

Ready to dive in? “You can start off by attending a swinger’s club and watching before interacting,” suggests Howard. Check for local clubs in your area, and be sure to read the guidelines before showing up, she says. Make sure to practice good consent practices and be mindful of other people’s boundaries.

How to bring up the idea with your partner.

Telling your partner that you’re interested in swinging might feel like a little bit of a challenge. After all, the norm of monogamy is very strong, and even people who are turned on and excited by the idea of swinging might have some complicated feelings in the beginning.

To set the best base for a successful conversation, make sure to bring it up at a time when you know your partner will be in a relaxed mood with no pressing tasks to attend to.

“Gently bring up the topic by adopting an open and curious approach. Use ‘I’ statements to show ownership of your desires,” recommends Brito. “Ask questions to learn about your partner’s values, and practice nonjudgment if your partner is not on board. If this happens, agree to table the topic, and circle back at another time.”

In short, make the conversation a true conversation, and not just a statement of what you want. Really listening to what your partner says, and responding to it from a place of love rather than defensiveness, can take you a long way.

Once you have opened up the conversation, you can suggest that the two of you research swinging together. Framing it as a mutual exploration will make your partner feel more secure.

“If you’re the partner who initiates the conversation, make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ from your partner,” Moore adds. “Both partners in the relationship need to be at the same interest level when it comes to swinging before trying it.’

The bottom line.

Swinging, like all forms of consensual nonmonogamy, can bring a wide range of satisfying and exhilarating encounters that can deepen the bond between you and your partner. As long as you and your partner are both on board and in agreement about what swinging means for you, you can look forward to many happy, sweaty nights together!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘There’s Not Just One Type of Porn’

— Erika Lust’s Alternative Vision

Erika Lust on the set of “The Cooking Show,” a porn film based on fantasies sourced from her viewers.

The Swedish moviemaker thinks pornography can create a society that sees sexuality as myriad and joyful, and where women’s pleasure matters.

By Mary Katharine Tramontana

When Billie Eilish called pornography “a disgrace” in a recent radio interview, the quote made headlines. The Grammy-winning musician said she had started watching at around age 11, to learn how to have sex, and that she was now angry about the way she felt porn misrepresented women.

When people talk about pornography, they’re often referring, like Eilish, to its commercial, heterosexual variety, which is what most of the free porn online tends to be. On those sites, you’d be forgiven for thinking it all looks the same. But depending on the sexual politics and vision of its creator, porn can look wildly different.

Take, for example, the work of the Swedish filmmaker Erika Lust. She has built her production company, Erika Lust Films, into an art-house pornography behemoth by offering something outside the porn mainstream. Most viewers watch Lust’s stylish, highly produced films by subscribing to her websites, where she also distributes videos by other like-minded directors. But her own films have also been screened in regular movie theaters in Berlin, London, Paris, Los Angeles and New York.

“There’s not just one type of porn,” Lust said in an interview at her office in Barcelona, where she has lived since 2000. “People see it as one monolithic entity, but it’s not.”

In the films Lust makes, she said her goal was for the female performers to have real orgasms. “When women watch porn, they need to see that women are being stimulated,” she said. “If there is a scene with penetrative sex, viewers need to see a woman using her hand or a vibrator at the same time — because that’s what works for most women.”

Lust, 44, added that she had spoken with many young women who told her, “‘Something’s wrong with my body, I can’t reach an orgasm with a man,’ because they’re reproducing what they learn from online porn.”

In Eilish’s radio interview, she said that the damage inflicted on her by online pornography went deeper still: In her view, it had “destroyed” her brain. The philosopher Amia Srinivasan has also recently considered porn’s effect on the mind, reviving feminist debates from the 1970s and

In “The Right to Sex,” Srinivasan’s 2021 best-selling essay collection, she argues that, “While filmed sex seemingly opens up a world of sexual possibility, all too often it shuts down the sexual imagination, making it weak, dependent, lazy, codified. The sexual imagination is transformed into a mimesis-machine, incapable of generating its own novelty.” (Srinivasan declined to be interviewed for this article.)

Although in her book she argues against censoring explicit material — a move that often unfairly targets women and sexual minorities, she writes — the Oxford University academic advises young people to lay off porn if they want their sex lives to be “more joyful, more equal, freer.”

“Perhaps then the sexual imagination could be coaxed, even briefly, to recall its lost power,” Srinivasan writes.

“Sex is such a huge part of who we are,” Lust said, “and there are so many more stories to tell.”
“Sex is such a huge part of who we are,” Lust said, “and there are so many more stories to tell.”

Yet Lust said it was film’s capacity to excite the erotic imagination that first drew her to pornography. While studying political science at Lund University in Sweden, she said she read “Hard Core,” a book by Linda Williams that is regarded as a classic of feminist film criticism, and that argues that pornography is a way of communicating ideas about gender and sex.

Feminist thinking led Lust to realize that porn, like many other cultural products, was mostly made by men, for men and from a narrow perspective: that of “middle-aged, heterosexual, white men,” she said. This male view of sexuality was “often misogynistic, in which women were reduced to tools for men’s orgasm,” she added. A lot of commercial porn is shot from a disembodied male perspective, and often the only part of a male performer that’s visible onscreen is his penis, Lust said.

The films she directs and produces, on the other hand, show women with sexual agency, who stimulate their own clitorises and whose facial expressions communicate their emotional and psychological states. Lust’s performers have a natural, everyday look and include people of “different sexualities, skin colors and body shapes,” she said.

Her films are also heavy on plot lines. Lust’s best-known series, “XConfessions,” are filmed depictions of her viewers’ real fantasies. Anyone can “confess” their imagined or real-life sex stories through the XConfessions website. If she likes the idea, she turns it into a film. The stories include classic and kinky fantasies and are sometimes made by guest directors, such as the Canadian cult queer filmmaker Bruce LaBruce. One of his “XConfessions” movies, “Valentin, Pierre and Catalina,” is a remake of François Truffaut’s classic movie “Jules and Jim,” a three-way polyamorous love story between a woman and two men.

LaBruce, who just wrapped up a feature-length parody porn movie for Lust set in the fashion industry, said in a phone interview that he was not surprised by the recent resurgence of negative attitudes toward porn. “The idea that porn is a male way of controlling women — that used to be the provenance of the Christian right,” he said. “Now, the left and the right have kind of flipped.”

The anthropologist Gayle Rubin, who was on the “pro-sex” feminist side of the 1970s and ’80s “sex wars,” opposing calls for censorship, said by phone that pornography was “easy to pick on” because, historically, it had been marginalized socially and legally.

“You know in movies when you think the monster is dead, but it just keeps coming back?” she said. “These assumptions about porn just keep resurfacing, going back more than four decades.

“Many people just don’t think as rigorously about porn as they do other topics. Porn is a special case in how it’s treated intellectually, which is badly — even among philosophers and others who should know better,” Rubin said.

While the porn industry is not known for critical reflection, there are, however, events like the Berlin Porn Film Festival, an annual gathering that seeks to provide new perspectives on the genre — artistic, social and even philosophical. Paulita Pappel, a porn performer and director who is one of the event’s curators, said that porn was often “a mirror of wider problems in society.” She added that, “The more we scapegoat and stigmatize it, the less space there will be for porn to be diverse, and the less chance we have to change the bigger issues.”

When Lust screened her first feature-length movie, “The Intern,” to a sold-out audience at the festival in October, many in the audience — men, women and gender nonconforming people, mostly in their 20 and 30s — said that they came to see the film in search of an alternative to traditional porn.

“I’m here because my friend recommended Erika Lust, because she doesn’t make heteronormative porn,” said Levent Ekemen, 28, a graduate student. “Her films show sensuality, and they’re extremely erotic.”

Lust, center, on the set of “The Intern,” her first feature-length movie, which had its premiere at the Berlin Porn Film Festival in 2021.

Lust said she hoped that the movies on her websites can have an “expansive” effect on people’s sense of the erotic. “With some of LaBruce’s films with male interaction,” she said, “men tell me, ‘Erika, I’ve never watched this before, but it was on your site, and it was hot!’ People are opening up their sexual visions outside of what they might be used to seeing.”

She added that she wanted to help create a society that sees sexuality as myriad and joyful, and where women’s pleasure matters. “The value filmmaking has when it comes to empathizing with other people is incredible,” she said. “Sex is such a huge part of who we are, and there are so many more stories to tell.”

“I have a right to tell them,” she added. “And no one can stop me.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why are foot fetishes so common?

A global survey conducted by the sex toy brand Lelo further confirmed that feet are a big deal in the sack, beating out hands, hair and even breasts as the top body part

By

Sexual fetishes are nothing new, but in recent years stigma around them has lifted somewhat.

People are more open to talking about what turns them on, with communities forming on- and offline so that likeminded souls can share their kinks.

In honour of Feet Week, we have looked into podophilia, the official term for foot fetishism.

As with most sexual appetites, there is no one standard – what makes one podophile tick might not work for another.

Some people prefer to involve senses beyond touch – getting turned on by the odour of smelly or sweaty feet – others like seeing a beautiful pair of feet in high heels and some might like to be ‘tooed’ (the foot version of fingering).

Scientific research around this fetish is severely lacking, as much of it is connected to singular cases, as opposed to studies with multiple participants, which give a wider overview of why some people get frisky at the thought of feet.

But there is some insight. One study from 2007, which looked at the frequency of fetishes and involved 5,000 participants, showed that ‘feet and objects associated with feet were the most common target of preferences’.

So if you like sucking on toes or kissing your partner’s ankles, you’re not the only one.

Other findings reveal a (somewhat loose) link between foot fetishes and a person’s childhood, with studies into children who are obsessed and/or (physically) aroused by feet.

A foot fetish doesn’t necessarily have to be about the body part in itself, but rather what it represents – its position, i.e. at the bottom of a person’s body. Feet are used in dominance play, and in this scenario, the sexual arousal could be a result of the humiliation or submission associated with our trotters.

A global survey conducted by the sex toy company Lelo further confirmed that feet are a big deal in the sack, beating out hands, hair and even breasts as the top body part.

‘As far as we can tell, it’s always been common, and references to it appear in early literature and art across the world,’ says Stuart Nugent, the brand’s sex expert.

‘The third century sophist Philostratus wrote in a love letter, “O feet unfettered! O unhampered beauty! Thrice happy me and blessed, if on me ye tread!” 

‘The reason why foot fetishism is so popular (and, yet, so under-discussed) is argued energetically by any number of specialists from all clinical backgrounds. ‘

According to Stu, there are three common lines of thought to explain our obsession with feet: the psychological, neurological and biological.

He explains: ‘A psychological school of thought suggests feet become fetishised because of early childhood imprinting and conditioning, where sexual responses are paired with non-sexual objects, like feet, very early in a person’s psychosexual development.

‘A neurological theory suggests that podophilia might develop because the feet and genitals occupy adjacent areas in the brain’s somatosensory cortex, and there might be some sort of neurological wires being crossed.

‘There’s even a biological theory that the characteristic scent of feet can trigger a hormonal reaction in some people. The truth is that the cause of foot fetishism is likely to include many different elements. 

‘Whatever the reason or the cause, there seems to be one outcome that practitioners find particularly attractive: the sensation of dominance and submission that feet represent.

‘This is due to the prevalence of podophiles being straight men worshipping women’s feet: this implies a subversion of traditional sexual and cultural roles which may offer the fetishist a highly sexualised inversion of stereotypes, the subversive nature of which is translated into sexual excitement.’

However, Camilla Constance, a sex and intimacy expert, says that while podophilia is common among men for the domination aspect, this is a Westernised view.

What’s more, our trotters are an erogenous zone, which according to her, is a huge part of the appeal.

‘From a tantric or “wholistic sex” perspective, feet are an incredibly erogenous zone in the body capable of being orgasmic on their own or contributing to exquisite blended orgasms,’she says.

‘A woman-centric approach to sex would always include “foot worship” because feet are a part of her body, all of which would be worshipped.

‘It is only in the narrow, Western model of sexuality, with its emphasis on male erection and penetration, that worshipping feet is seen as odd or kinky in some way.

‘So what is a completely beautiful and honouring act becomes, in our sexually confused society, a “fetish” to hide.

‘What I find interesting in the question is the implied separation of “sexual” parts of the body from “non-sexual” parts of the body, the implication being that feet are not “normally” sexual and thus the foot “thing” must be a recent creation.

‘I would challenge the assumption that we have areas of our bodies that are not sexual.

‘Our entire bodies, including our feet, are covered in networks of nerves that pick up not only touch, but energy, from other people. Feet have a particularly dense network of nerves making them particularly sensitive and potentially orgasmic.’

So, feet could lead to amazing orgasms – that’s one reason to like our trotters.

But Lucy Beresford, a psychotherapist who hosts a weekly phone-in sex and relationships show on LBC Radio, explains that podophilia is a more openly-accepted fetish for the simple fact that we’re so used to seeing this body part.

‘Foot fetishes are one of the more mainstream/popular fetishes mainly because everyone has feet, so we are used to seeing them, unlike whips or restraints,’ she says.

‘Nor do they have the negative connotations of, say, urine. Some people like the feet to be seen in sexy footwear like stilettos or boots, which again are mainstream products, unlike something like hand-cuffs.

‘A foot fetish allows for games of domination or submission to be played out using everyday objects.’

Speaking of objects, if you’re stuck in lockdown with no access to a nice pair of feet apart from your own, you can actually buy foot-themed toys online – including silicone mannequin feet.

Last year, someone took this a step further by creating a ‘foot vagina’ – which works like a fleshlight, so you can essentially have sex with the silicone toy.

If you fancy making a quick buck, you can even sell photos of your feet to others (so long as you don’t mind them using your tootsies as inspiration during wank sessions, that is).

And hey, if the thought of playing with feet puts you off completely, that’s absolutely fine.

Just pop on a pair of socks during sex and your lover will probably get the hint.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Study finds consensual nonmonogamy a ‘healthy’ option

by Jeffrey Renaud

Consensual nonmonogamy within a relationship showed only positive outcomes on life satisfaction and relationship quality for the primary partners in a romantically involved couple—leading researchers to believe it to be healthy, viable relationship option.

“Consensual nonmonogamy relationships and those who practice them are often stigmatized,” Psychology professor Samantha Joel said. “Monogamous relationships are generally assumed to be of higher quality than non-monogamous ones, even among consensually nonmonogamous individuals.”

Not so, according to Joel and her collaborators at York University and the University of Utah.

For the first-of-its-kind study, the team recruited people interested in consensual nonmonogamy but had not yet engaged in it and observed them over a two-month period as they ‘opened up’ their relationships.

“We found no differences in or well-being before versus after people opened up,” said Joel, who serves as director of Western’s Relationships Decisions Lab. “There were also no differences found when we compared people who did versus those who did not open up their over the course of the study.”

According to the study, those who engaged in consensual nonmonogamy experienced significant increases in sexual satisfaction, particularly if they did so with the explicit goal of addressing sexual incompatibilities within their relationships.

The study, “A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship,” was recently published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

3 Pelvic Floor Workouts That Support Better Sex

— According to a Pelvic Floor Therapist

By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

Every person has a pelvic floor, a sling of muscles connecting the pubic bone and the tailbone, and it’s connected to so many health functions, including bowel and bladder control, supporting the pelvic organs, and contributing to optimum sexual health. And with respect to that last factor, there are specific ways to set yourself up for success—namely with pelvic floor workouts for better sex.

The pelvic floor can help enhance sexual function because it has direct connections to the clitoral hood and assists in closure around the vaginal opening (for vulva havers) as well as the anus (for those who have anal sex). “The pelvic floor muscles have been found to affect your orgasm: Stronger pelvic floor muscle contractions have been found to correlate with more intense and longer duration of an orgasm,” says pelvic-floor physical therapist Heather Jeffcoat, DPT, owner of Femina Physical Therapy in Los Angeles and author of Sex Without Pain: A Self Treatment Guide to the Sex Life. So by strengthening your pelvic floor, you are, in turn, setting yourself up to reap more of the well-being benefits of achieving orgasm.

“Stronger pelvic floor muscle contractions have been found to correlate with more intense and longer duration of an orgasm.” —Heather Jeffcoat, DPT, pelvic floor physical therapist

One of the most common and widely known pelvic floor workouts for better sex comes in the form of Kegels—aka flexing and releasing your pelvic-floor muscles. However, Dr. Jeffcoat says it’s a misnomer that Kegels are the be-all and end-all of pelvic floor workouts for better sex. That’s because the key to pelvic floor health is achieving a balance between flexibility and strength—and Kegels are primarily a strength-specific workout.

“Many folks think that Kegels are the answer to any problems with their pelvic health,” says Dr. Jeffcoat. “However, sometimes people need to take a step back from strengthening and focus on muscle relaxation and mobility.”

With that in mind, read on for three pelvic floor workouts for better sex, according to pros. But before you actually start your exercises, Dr. Jeffcoat suggests consulting a professional to help you develop a personalized plan. “You can find a local pelvic-floor physical therapist at the Academy of Pelvic Health Physical Therapy,” she says.

3 pelvic floor workouts for better sex that aren’t Kegels, from a pelvic floor physical therapist

1. Bridging from a chair or couch

“The glutes and adductors facilitate a pelvic floor contraction, and this exercise pulls in both muscle groups for added benefit,” says Dr. Jeffcoat.

How to do it: Lie on the ground, with your feet up on a chair or couch and your knees pressed together. Contract your pelvic floor muscles, pull your navel towards your spine, then exhale as you lift your hips up towards the ceiling. Inhale, return to the floor. Make sure you keep your knees pressed together. To assist, you can add a small pillow between your knees. Repeat this 15 to 20 times, three to four times per week.

2. Prone hip diamonds

According to Dr. Jeffcoat, “the glutes and hip external rotators facilitate a pelvic floor contraction, and this exercise pulls in both muscle groups for added benefit.”

How to do it: Lie on your stomach with your hips about 30 degrees away from your side, knees bent, and heels together, making a bent diamond shape with your legs. Contract your pelvic floor muscles, pull your navel towards your spine, then exhale as you lift your thighs up off of the floor. Inhale, and return to the floor. Repeat this 15 to 20 times, three to four times per week. For added intensity, you can pulse this exercise at the end for 10 to 15 more reps.

3. Modified plank with pelvic tuck

Dr. Jeffcoat says this exercise will work your deep abdominal muscles, which connect to and facilitate the moving of pelvic floor muscles. “You will also work your gluteal muscles in this exercise, further facilitating the pelvic floor muscle contraction,” adds Dr. Jeffcoat.

How to do it: Lie on your stomach, with your elbows under your shoulders. Lift your pelvis off the ground, keeping your knees down, and maintain your elbows under your shoulders. (If you are holding correctly, your torso should be parallel to the floor.) Take a breath in, then exhale and tuck your pelvis under to flatten your lower back. The rest of your body stays in the same position. Repeat three to four times per week.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Uncovering Mysteries of Female Dolphin Sexual Anatomy

A close examination of 11 clitorises from common bottlenose dolphins suggests the female cetaceans experience pleasure during frequent sexual activity.

“A lot of people assume that humans are unique in having sex for pleasure,” said Justa Heinen-Kay, a researcher at the University of Minnesota. “This research challenges that notion.”

By Sabrina Imbler

Common bottlenose dolphins have sex frequently — very likely multiple times in a day. Copulation lasts only a few seconds, but social sex, which is used to maintain social bonds, can last much longer, happen more frequently and involve myriad heterosexual and homosexual pairings of dolphins and their body parts. Anything is possible, and, as new research suggests, probably pleasurable for swimmers of both sexes.

According to a paper published on Monday in the journal Current Biology, female bottlenose dolphins most likely experience pleasure through their clitorises.

The findings come as little surprise to scientists who research these dolphins. “The only thing that surprises me is how long it has taken us as scientists to look at the basic reproductive anatomy,” Sarah Mesnick, an ecologist at NOAA Fisheries who was not involved with the research, said, speaking of the clitoris. She added, “It took a team of brilliant women,” referring to two of the authors.

“A lot of people assume that humans are unique in having sex for pleasure,” Justa Heinen-Kay, a researcher at the University of Minnesota who was not involved with the paper, wrote in an email. “This research challenges that notion.”

And learning more about the anatomy of marine mammals’ genitalia has clear implications for their survival, Dr. Mesnick said: “The more we know about the social behavior of these animals, the better we’re able to understand their evolution and help use that to manage and conserve them.”

Historically, researchers have focused on male genitalia, driven by prejudice toward male subjects, prejudice against female choice in sexual selection and the fact that it can be easier to study something that sticks out. “Female genitalia were assumed to be simple and uninteresting,” Dr. Heinen-Kay said. “But the more that researchers study female genitalia, the more we’re learning that this isn’t the case at all.” She added that this shift may be driven in part by the increasing number of women researchers.

Patricia Brennan, an evolutionary biologist at Mount Holyoke College and an author on the paper, wound up studying the dolphin clitoris by way of the dolphin vagina. She and Dara Orbach, a biologist at Texas A&M University and another author on the paper, previously revealed how female dolphins have intricately pleated vaginas that can handily stopper a penis. The internal anatomy grants the female agency in choosing which male’s sperm may fertilize her egg.

When Dr. Brennan and Dr. Orbach began researching dolphin vaginas together in 2016, they found themselves dissecting as many of these pleated pouches as they could get their hands on. The researchers put out a request to local stranding networks and received lumps of frozen tissue over the years from stranded cetaceans in varying states of decay.

As the researchers thawed the samples in a sink, the warming flesh often began to reek. “I’m really glad I’m a vegetarian because I think I would never be able to eat meat again,” Dr. Brennan said.

Like cultured oysters, every dissected dolphin vagina unfurled to reveal a kind of treasure: an unmistakable clitoris, the size of an AA battery and the color of spam. “You open it up and then there’s this giant clitoris right there,” Dr. Brennan said.

The researchers dissected the clitorises of 11 common bottlenose dolphins and ran tissue samples through a micro CT scanner. Their examination revealed a number of signs of a functional clitoris, including erectile tissue that could become turgid with blood. They also found a band of connective tissue surrounding the erectile tissue, which ensures the clitoris could engorge and keep its shape. And the clitoris changed shape as the dolphins reached adulthood, suggesting it has a function related to sexual maturity.

The CT scanner showed the clitoral tissue contained unusually large nerves — up to half a millimeter in diameter — and abundant free nerve endings just under the skin, increasing sensitivity. And the clitoral skin itself was a third of the thickness of neighboring genital skin, making it much easier to stimulate.

These observations provide “some nice suggestive evidence” that female dolphins feel pleasure responses to tactile stimulation, said Brian Langerhans, an evolutionary biologist at North Carolina State University, who was not involved with the research. He added that more research was needed to prove the hypothesis.

But it is no easy feat to study dolphin sex experimentally in a lab, or in the wild. The physiological signs of pleasure associated with humans and other primates — vocalizing, grimacing, rolling eyes and panting — may look totally different in a dolphin. “Their bodies are so different from us, and their faces are so different from ours,” Dr. Brennan said. “How would we know?”

Dr. Langerhans and Dr. Mesnick both suggested the need for comparative research between other species of cetaceans. “Are they going to find the same kind of anatomy in species that are more solitary or open-ocean or deep-diving?” Dr. Mesnick wondered. For example, a pleasurable clitoris might be far less useful in a species where males and females interact less often.

Dr. Brennan hopes to study clitorises from across the animal kingdom — she already has an orca clitoris sitting in a jar in her lab. The white whale of marine clitorises may be the blue whale’s. “They’ve got the biggest everything,” Dr. Brennan said. “I would bet you a million dollars that they have a clitoris, and it’s probably huge.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Is The ‘Seven-Year Itch’ Actually A Real Thing?

It’s probs more common than you think.

By Madeline Howard

Look, it’s totally normal to feel a sense of stagnation—a seven-year itch, if you will—if you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage. Being with another person for an entire lifetime is no joke, people.

But what is the seven-year itch, exactly? In short, it’s the notion that after seven years of marriage (or a long AF relationship), you start to get unhappy with your partner, says Gigi Engle, resident Womanizer sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

While it’s normal to feel a little…itchy…after a while, there’s no alarm that goes after seven years on the dot. “The idea that you’d feel this way at some innocuous point in time is complete BS,” says Engle. “You’re not going to get bored in your marriage or your sex life if you commit to keeping it fresh and interesting.” Problem is, it’s all too easy for your relationship to fall to the bottom of your priority list as you juggle work, kids, and other, more pressing, responsibilities. It happens, but it doesn’t need to.

So how can you prevent or resolve this kind of relationship slump? Read on for expert-approved tips that will keep your itch from developing into a full-on rash.

1. Get a second opinion

Before you jump to any conclusions about whether or not you’re fed up with your current long-term relationship, Brito suggests consulting a therapist or close friend about your situation. Sometimes it’s hard to see the *real* problem from the inside, and talking it out with a third-party allows you to sort through any messy feelings before you articulate them to your partner.

2. Write it out

It’s also helpful to journal your feelings, says Brito. Writing your thoughts down offers clarity without having to dish them out loud or drop major $$ on therapy. What do you love about your partner? What went wrong? Be honest about the positives and negatives here. Your journal doesn’t judge.

3. Don’t be shy

Communicating your needs is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy long-term relationship, says Brito. If you want to bring up feelings of stagnation to your S.O., she suggests going about it verrry carefully. Use ‘I statements’ that make you accountable for the feelings you’re having and avoid placing blame on your partner. Focus on listening to your partner’s unmet emotional needs when it’s their turn to talk without becoming defensive. This goes both ways, K?

4. Consider couples counseling

If you decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, Brito suggests booking recurring couples therapy sessions. Doing so will help the two of you create a plan for moving forward with the help of an expert. You’ll also have a calm, unbiased moderator for when uncomfortable or heated discussions inevitably arise.

5. Or sex therapy

If your issues are mostly bedroom-based, look into a therapist who specializes in sex. Yes, they exist! If you’ve tried exploring physical intimacy on your own, and it hasn’t panned out, there’s no shame in getting a little bit of outside help. “As a team, you can find solutions that don’t result in an affair or a breakup,” says Engle.

6. Try an open relationship

This one def isn’t for every couple, but some feel that they need to go outside of the relationship in order to add spice to their sex lives, and you’re better off doing so together if that’s the case.

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Exploring the boundaries of an open relationship, polyamory, or threesomes are a viable solution to feelings of sexual boredom, if agreed upon by both parties. “This newfound aspect of your relationship can look like anything you want,” Engle explains. “What’s important is that you discuss your desires and fantasies with your partner.” From there, make sure you establish some ground rules. Threesomes only? No friends? No kissing? That’s the difference between honest openness and an affair that ruins everything.

7. Explore with toys or kink

Shop for vibrators, handcuffs, and lingerie with your S.O. online or in-store. Surprises have their place, but shopping together will build up excitement. Talk to your partner about what you’ve been wanting to add to your routine—a productive and sexy convo.

8. Try role-playing

If you read #6 and thought, never in a million years, there are other ways to introduce an element of excitement into your ‘ship. Role-playing is a classic, and you can scale up or scale down depending on your comfort level. Example: Start with some dirty talk before splurging on costumes, or pretend to be your younger self if you’re improv skills feel a little rusty. Where did you meet seven years ago?

9. Schedule sex

No one likes to hear this, but scheduling sex can be a great solution to a dry spell—and even hot! Think about it: You have all day to get in the mood and you’re less likely to be stressed and distracted because, well, you planned for this.

Other experts agree that the seven-year itch isn’t really a set point in time when your relationship is doomed to collapse, but instead an idea that represents how you and your long-term bae aren’t on the same wavelength. “Some couples get stuck in dysfunctional patterns that make them feel disconnected and listless,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Honolulu, Hawaii. “Some may desire to end their relationship while others will remain together, work through it, and grow stronger as a result.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Female sexuality and the ‘orgasm gap’ are coming to the forefront of conversations during worldwide lockdowns

While men orgasm 85% of the time they have sex on average, women only reach climax 63% of the time.

By Lindsay Dodgson

  • Female pleasure appears to be coming to the forefront of conversations around sex during the coronavirus pandemic.
  • Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their sexuality and needs, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.
  • Insider spoke to sex and relationship experts about why this might be.
  • For starters, couples or single people who are socially distancing have more time to spend in their own company and work out what they like.
  • Couples who are isolating together may also be able to devote time to what they want to improve about their sex lives.

Sex is a pretty big topic of conversation right now, either because you’re stuck inside with a partner with little else to do, or you’re isolating alone and can’t have any.

Female pleasure appears to be a particular focus due to apps that provide information about women’s needs, and Facebook ads popping up for research centers like OMGYES which are exploring the specific ways women enjoy sexual touch.

Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their bodies and what they like through audio, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.

“Being home for so long, people are looking for new resources to incorporate new healthy habits to their routines,” Emjoy’s CEO and cofounder Andrea Oliver told Insider. “Some of us have so much more free time in our hands, so we might as well put it to good use. And what better use than a good, dopamine-infused session of self-love?”

Time alone can make us face things we’ve been ignoring

Intimacy expert Dr Shirin Lakhani, from the Elite Aesthetics clinic, told Insider she’s seen many more social media posts about the “orgasm gap” and women’s sexual needs during lockdown, and has been contacted by many women who are worried about their libido or inability to climax.

“For many people, being in this lockdown situation has exacerbated a lot of things, including stress, poor diet and lifestyle, excess alcohol, and drug intake, which can all affect orgasms, or lack of them,” she said.

“On the other hand it has also resulted in people being forced to spend more time than usual at home with their partner and have more sex than usual, which in turn makes concerns such as the orgasm gap more noticeable and in time become more of an issue of concern.”

Relationship coach Sarah Louise Ryan told Insider many couples might be forced to think about whether they really are satisfied with their sex lives while isolating together.

“We often put our needs not being met down to many other factors in usual circumstances,” she said. “We talk about being too busy, we buy into the idea that sex is another one of those things we should fit into our calendars, we blame our lack of sexual fulfillment on not having the time and patience for exploration or stresses of external factors such as children, finances, or juggling it all.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Prevent Erectile Dysfunction

By Shamard Charles, MD, MPH

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to develop and maintain a penile erection for satisfactory sexual intercourse or activity. It is the most commonly reported sex problem in people with a penis, affecting at least 18 million people in the United States.1 It is also called erectile disorder.

The symptoms of ED may be exacerbated by age due to natural declines in testosterone.1 Testosterone is a hormone that influences the sex drive, among other functions. Testosterone replacement does not improve ED but can help with libido and arousal, making it easier to get an erection.

The ability to develop and maintain an erection is largely governed by sexual arousal, a complex process that involves the brain, hormones, emotions, nerves, muscles, and blood vessels.

Although older age is the variable most strongly associated with ED, physical or psychological factors can impact sexual function, desire, or arousal, all of which can cause ED.2

This article will discuss ways to prevent ED, including diet, exercise, losing excess weight, managing high blood pressure and cholesterol, smoking cessation, alcohol moderation, stress reduction, and more.

Eat a Healthy Diet

Eating a diet rich in natural foods like fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and fish—with lesser amounts of red and processed meats and refined grains—has been shown to decrease the likelihood of ED.

A study of over 21,000 found that men with the greatest adherence to a Mediterranean diet or Alternative Healthy Eating Index 2010 (AHEI-2010) diet were least likely to develop erectile dysfunction.1

These diets emphasize the consumption of vegetables, fruits, nuts, legumes, and fish or other sources of long-chain fatty acids (types of omega-3 fatty acids), and avoidance of red and processed meats.

Men under 60 who most closely adhered to the Mediterranean diet were 40% more likely to regain normal sexual function.1 Of note, eating a heart-healthy diet also lowers your cardiovascular risk factors, such as blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol levels. These factors greatly contribute to the development of ED.

Exercise

Keeping up with a regular exercise routine is especially helpful for those whose ED is caused by inactivity, poor circulation, obesity, low testosterone, or cardiovascular disease.

Exercise lowers blood pressure and blood sugar, increases blood circulation throughout the body, and improves heart health. It is also a natural way to raise testosterone levels.3 Burning fat also decreases the risk of vascular (blood vessel) disease and diabetes—two major causes of ED.

Curing your ED doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to make drastic changes. Even small increases in activity can make a difference.

One study found that patients recovering from a heart attack who were put on a progressive walking program starting at just six minutes a day reported 71% fewer incidences of ED over 30 days than those who didn’t walk.4

Other research has suggested that moderate exercise can help restore sexual performance in obese middle-aged people with ED.5

People with ED found at an early age (before age 50) may have undiagnosed cardiac problems. A person in this age group may be sent for a heart evaluation before treatment is started for the erection problems. Early-onset ED could be a warning sign for deeper issues in the heart.

Lose Weight If Needed

Losing weight is a health goal for many reasons. Can one of those reasons be to help cure erectile dysfunction? The short answer is yes.

Weight loss has a twofold advantage of directly alleviating ED and improving your physical health. Dropping a few pounds lowers blood pressure and prevents further narrowing and blockages in your arteries, allowing blood to travel more efficiently.

Studies have shown that excess belly fat can cause an inability to get or maintain an erection.6 The endothelium, a small sheath of tissue that forms the interior lining of all our blood vessels, can become damaged by excess belly fat.

As a result, your body may not release enough nitric oxide—a molecule that signals the surrounding muscles to relax in order for the blood vessels to dilate and create an erection.7 Even more, carrying excess weight can lower testosterone levels, which further compounds the problem.

Having excess weight can also lead to a visible loss in penile length. Losing weight may lead to a visibly larger length to the penis, with the extra fat and tissue no longer covering up the base of the penis. The extra visible length is an added bonus to better erection quality with weight loss.

Fortunately, reducing your beltline can reverse your ED. In one major study, over 30% of men minimized, if not completely cured, erectile dysfunction via weight loss by eating 300 fewer calories per day and exercising more over several weeks.8

Weight loss typically comes from both reducing your calorie intake and increasing physical activity. Increasing physical activity seems especially helpful in lowering rates of ED.5

Losing weight, particularly belly fat, is integral to alleviating ED. Here are some ways you can reduce your waist size:

  • Eat regular nutritious meals. Avoid skipping meals. Substitute cooked meals for processed foods and takeout. Eat a balanced diet of fruits and vegetables.
  • Emphasize portion control. Keeping portion sizes in check using the MyPlate method (in which you eat the different food groups in appropriate amounts) is a great way to curtail overeating and ensure that you eat a balanced meal.
  • Replace sugary beverages like soda, energy drinks, and fruit juices with water, black coffee, or unsweetened tea.
  • Limit alcohol. Alcohol use is often associated with poor eating habits. Also, the liver burns alcohol instead of fat, which results in bigger waistlines.
  • Incorporate more fiber into your diet. Fiber makes you feel fuller for longer, which curtails mindless eating.
  • Exercise daily. The United States Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) recommends 30 minutes of sweat-breaking exercise for a minimum of five days a week.9

Manage Blood Pressure

High blood pressure damages blood vessels, reducing blood flow throughout the body, including the penis. Hardened and narrow blood vessels make it difficult for blood to flow into the penis before intercourse.10

Erectile dysfunction may be an early warning sign of damaged blood vessels. When your blood flows naturally, you can have healthy erections. Natural arousal leads to increased blood flow to your penis, causing an erection.

This process becomes more difficult with high blood pressure. Slowing of blood flow in the pelvic region can make getting or maintaining an erection a challenge. This change in sexual function is sometimes a warning sign of a larger problem, prompting people to seek help.

People who have isolated high blood pressure but otherwise a clean bill of health are usually safe taking ED drugs. But if you have health complications like severe cardiovascular disease or urinary tract issues, ED drugs are generally not recommended.11

It is also important to avoid high blood pressure, as medical treatments for blood pressure have the potential side effect of ED.

Avoid High Cholesterol

High cholesterol is a risk factor for many conditions that can lead to ED, such as heart disease.12 High cholesterol levels lead to atherosclerosis, a condition that hardens and narrows blood vessel walls.

Atherosclerosis reduces blood flow throughout the body, including the penis. Hardened and narrow blood vessels make it difficult for blood to flow into the penis before intercourse.

One of the earliest signs of heart disease is the inability of blood vessels in the penis to enlarge, allowing enough blood flow to get and maintain an erection. One study found that men over the age of 69 with ED had more than twice the number of heart attacks, cardiac arrests, and strokes than similarly aged men without ED.13

Eating a heart-healthy diet, doing routine exercise, and taking a statin, or another prescribed cholesterol-lowering drug, can bring your cholesterol to healthy levels, decreasing your cardiovascular risk and potentially alleviating your ED symptoms along the way.

Don’t Smoke

Smoking is an independent risk factor for ED. It causes vascular changes to the endothelium of blood vessels, which interferes with nitric oxide production and signaling.14

Smoking also causes vascular changes that increase your risk of heart disease, hypertension (high blood pressure), and diabetes, which are also associated with the development of erectile dysfunction.

Many people smoke to reduce their sexual performance anxiety (fear or worry related to having sex), unaware that they are exacerbating the problem.

Quitting smoking has immense health benefits. So even though it may not completely reverse ED, it may contribute significantly to improving penile function and your overall health.14

Experts believe that vaping is no better than cigarettes when it comes to the risk of erectile dysfunction.15 Try to avoid smoking altogether, whether cigarettes, cigars, or vaping.

Drink Alcohol in Moderation

Drinking large amounts of alcohol can make it difficult to get or keep an erection because alcohol interferes with the chemical messengers that tell the penis to fill with blood.

One study looking at nearly 50,000 men found that over half of those who reported that they were alcohol dependent had some type of sexual dysfunction, with one quarter citing ED as their main problem.16

Chronic alcohol use also interferes with the production of testosterone, the hormone that governs male sexual functioning. Lower testosterone levels affect sperm production and sexual desire. Alcohol can also increase your total calorie intake; that can cause increased weight gain, which can also exacerbate ED.

Heavy alcohol use has also been associated with:17

  • Low sexual drive (libido)
  • Reduction in size of sex organs (binge drinking over a long time can cause the testes and penis to shrink)
  • Lower fertility
  • Higher rate of sexually transmitted infections (chronic alcohol users are more likely to engage in sexual practices that carry a higher risk)

If alcohol use is the sole culprit of ED, the condition will usually resolve once alcohol use is stopped.

Check Testosterone

Testosterone levels drop with aging, so as you get older you may want to check your levels if you’re experiencing symptoms of ED. 

Testosterone is central in the male sexual response, including the desire for sex and the mechanics of triggering an erection.12 Lower levels could mean problems getting and maintaining an erection, although people with perfectly normal amounts of testosterone can have erectile dysfunction.

Boosting testosterone alone doesn’t always improve erections, but it can in a subset of people, so it should be considered for those with low testosterone.12 Taking low doses of testosterone may also give you the added benefit of increased libido.

Still, improved testosterone levels don’t always mean levels that are high enough to make a difference in sexual performance. It is not unusual for a healthcare professional to add Viagra (sildenafil) or a similar medication if a person is still not satisfied with the quality of their erection when given testosterone therapy alone.2

Avoid Anabolic Steroids

Every year, 1 million to 3 million people in the United States use anabolic steroids (AAS).18 These drugs have been used off-label (for other than indications approved by the Food and Drug Administration, or FDA) for decades. Various reasons include enhanced aesthetics, improved athletic performance, increased muscle mass, or other symptomatic benefits.18

Anabolic steroids interfere with the body’s capacity to produce testosterone, which may lead to erectile dysfunction.

Taking steroids, whether androgens taken as part of testosterone therapy for a medical condition or recreational anabolic steroid use in bodybuilding, can affect the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. This means that it upsets your balance and regulation of hormones and impacts pituitary gland function.

Fortunately, ED issues such as testicle shrinkage and low libido may begin to disappear once you stop steroid use.

Check Medication Side Effects

It’s been estimated that 25% of all ED is caused by side effects from medication.19 Certain drugs taken for high blood pressure—notably thiazide diuretics (water pills) and beta blockers—have been linked with deterioration in sexual function.

Therefore, be on the lookout for medications in these drug classes, and never start a blood pressure medication without medical supervision.19

Avoid Stress

Like alcohol, stress interferes with signals between the brain and body that get and maintain erections. The brain plays a key role in triggering the series of physical events that cause an erection, starting with feelings of sexual excitement.

A number of stressors can interfere with sexual feelings and cause or worsen erectile dysfunction. These include:

  • Depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions
  • Job loss, job promotion, or work stress
  • Financial burdens
  • Death in the family 
  • Changes in health
  • Relationship problems due to stress, poor communication, or other concerns
  • Anxiety about sexual performance

Increased stress can also increase your risk of other conditions that may cause ED, such as heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels, obesity, and excessive alcohol consumption. These all contribute to ED independently, so addressing the root cause of your stress is paramount in alleviating ED in many people.

Talk therapy is a useful tool to unpack your thoughts and feelings, and sometimes it’s all that you need to jumpstart your sex life. It’s also important to note that stress can be both a cause and a symptom of ED.

In other words, stress can affect your sexual arousal and therefore cause ED. But not being able to perform in bed may also make you anxious and nervous or lead to sexual avoidance, which can further exacerbate your ED.20

Talking to your partner about ED can be understandably difficult, but communication is a part of any healthy relationship and sex life. Talking about your difficulties takes the pressure off you and informs your partner of what’s going on.

It can also serve as an opportunity to engage in more pro-healthy behaviors like quitting smoking, exercising more, and eating a heart-healthy diet.

Joining a support group and reimagining your sex life are also worthwhile coping mechanisms. Talking to strangers can be a stress reliever.

Hearing the thoughts and feelings of others can serve as a reminder that intimacy is not dependent on penile penetration. Naughty talk, foreplay, and intimate touching are also important components of a healthy sex life.

Summary

You can help prevent many of the causes of erectile dysfunction. Following a healthy eating plan, quitting smoking, never doing drugs, limiting alcohol, maintaining a healthy body weight, monitoring blood pressure and blood sugar, and aiming for at least 30 minutes of activity most days are tried-and-true methods that not only stave off ED, but keep your heart healthy and strong.

A Word From Verywell

If you are having trouble maintaining a healthy lifestyle or natural methods have not prevented ED, talk to a healthcare professional who has expert knowledge in the management of ED. Together, you may uncover other tactics to use. In addition, there are prescription medications and even surgical treatments that may help.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Who is most at risk of erectile dysfunction?
    People over the age of 60 are at the highest risk of ED because of natural drops in testosterone levels. Approximately 40% of people with a penis have some experience of ED by age 40. By age 70, nearly 70% are impacted to some degree.21
  • What is the main cause of erectile dysfunction?It’s difficult to think of ED as a condition with one cause and one effect. A multitude of risk factors for ED should be considered.

    The ability to develop and maintain an erection is largely governed by sexual arousal, a complex process that involves the brain, hormones, emotions, nerves, muscles, and blood vessels. Physical or psychological factors can impact sexual function, desire, or arousal, all of which can cause ED.

    ED is commonly caused by decreases in testosterone with age, as well as impaired blood flow to the penis due to a multitude of conditions ranging from diabetes and high blood pressure to heart disease and side effects of medication.

    The impact of mental illness, such as depression and anxiety, as well as psychological factors like stress, are also major contributors to ED at any age.

  • Which drugs cause erectile dysfunction?Using recreational drugs like cocaine, opiates, amphetamines, and possibly marijuana can prevent you from getting or maintaining an erection.22

    While some substances may disrupt the physiological processes that lead to erections, others may hinder your ability to become aroused or mask psychological, emotional, or physical factors that may be causing your ED.

    A wide variety of prescription drugs also can influence erections.

    • Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    Advice I Wish I Did Not Have to Offer

    An anonymous professor shares guidance on what to do for yourself if your child or another person close to you is sexually assaulted.

    Mobile

    By Dr. Anonymous

    March 2020 was an awful month. In most places, it was the beginning of lockdowns in response to COVID-19. For me, it was also when my 17-year-old daughter told me she had been raped. As a gender, women’s and sexuality studies (GWSS) professor with years of experiences supporting my survivor students, I knew enough to tread lightly. But she was my precious baby girl, not my student. So when she told me, my heart shattered into a million pieces and landed in the pit of my stomach.

    I woke up every day, from then on, with the rape the first thing I thought of. I knew enough to be able to envision a scenario, even though she shared very few details. She didn’t show any significant signs of PTSD for a long time. She went to college during COVID, so everything was already sideways. The PTSD kicked in, however, soon after she left. Fast-forward several months, and after many sob-filled phone calls, she eventually agreed to let me find a therapist for her when she came home. I found a trauma-informed woman who was taking patients, and I spent a rushed summer next to my daughter on bathroom floors as the trauma wreaked havoc on her precious body. We tried everything from art to yoga to meds to diet. We celebrated if we went 24 hours without either of us crying. We laughed when we could, often at our own fragility.

    Rape used to be something that hurt and enraged me in the abstract. Given that I am a GWSS professor who has taught about sexual assault, violence and rape—and cared for survivors for decades—I had much intellectual insight with which to watch her pain. Eventually I realized that as she got better, which she absolutely did, I got worse. I needed a trauma therapist because I was broken. I wasn’t “on the verge”; I was on the floor in a puddle of my daughter’s PTSD and my pain, experiencing secondary trauma.

    I am proud of what I did for my daughter. I believe my efforts helped to get her into a place where, two years in, she is generally thriving and her PTSD is mostly managed, although the bouts of deep sorrow and anxiety continue to punctuate her (and thus my) life. But I’m not writing to offer advice about my daughter. Instead, I write this essay as a GWSS professor to other professors, especially those who find yourselves in contact with students who frequently disclose their own sexual assaults, or who have had the horrific experience of a child or another person close to you personally being sexually assaulted or raped. I want to share some suggestions on what to do for yourself.

    • Know it wasn’t your fault. Sadly, rape culture is so pervasive that even GWSS professors who teach about it will often blame ourselves for our loved one’s rape. If you are a feminist like me, you started talking to your daughter quite young about slut shaming and all of the double standards for boys and girls in school. Your daughter has heard your rants. If you are like me, then, you may have thought she was raped because she respected your opinions so much that she was sexually liberated and that led her to the rapist. It took me talking to a therapist to be able to articulate she was raped by a boy/man who abused his power and disregarded her wishes, not because of my parenting.
    • Look into paid time off through sick leave. I didn’t know that I could be granted a sick leave. My doctor submitted a form that verified I could not work due to clinical depression and anxiety brought on by daughter’s sexual assault. This made me eligible for paid leave for the semester. I only learned of that option because a staffer had seen me crumbling and told me to look into it. No doubt, different campuses and people’s individual job statuses will allow for different accommodations. For the sake of anonymity, I cannot disclose more, but some options are federally guaranteed, some are provided through union membership and perhaps others your HR office can share with you.
    • Reach out for support. Find the right friends and colleagues to tell, with your daughter’s permission. Sadly, it’s possible they will be able to relate to your experience more than you expect.
    • Get a good, trauma-informed therapist. It took me at least three months to find a therapist who had the credentials and expertise I was looking for and who was taking new patients. Cognitive processing therapy is an amazing approach. You can get a sense of it from this podcast. Look for therapists who use it.
    • Establish boundaries with your students. One of the things that terrified me the most about going back to in-person classes was the unending flow of disclosures of sexual assault that GWSS professors get, compounded by basic emotional labor that women and/or minoritized faculty already do. I am working with my campus’s victim advocate on language that lets students know I hear them but I can’t be their entire support system.
    • Talk to your sons. Our high school and college boys need to be the ones to stop each other from assaulting their peers. I have spoken often with my son about consent and sexual assault and other key issues. It’s not enough, as I have written elsewhere, to say or know that “my son would never do that.” You need to talk to your son about preventing other boys from “doing that.” Don’t let him slut shame the girls or stay silent when he inevitably hears people slut shaming. Talk until he’s annoyed and rolls his eyes at you. And if you have Netflix, have him watch Sex Education.
    • Self-care. I wish I had a better word, because I really am over “self-care,” as the concept has been so commodified and feels so elite. But in addition to the big-picture stuff I have already suggested, carve out time every day to do something that you find mentally and emotionally nourishing. As professors, we’ve learned early how to cherish our regular writing time. Well, as Janet Alexander and Beth Kelch remind us, we must do the same with self-care. Block out 30 minutes (at least) on your calendar every day and use it for just for you.

    Navigating my daughter’s rape is the hardest thing I have ever done from all perspectives—as a mother, wife, professor, daughter and person who needs to take care of herself. For those of you in similar situations, I hope this piece gives you a glimmer of stability and hope.

    Posted on

    How to Spice Up Your Relationship with Beginner-Friendly BDSM Toys

    By Essex Mag

    Since the global phenomenon of the 50 Shades of Greyfranchise, BDSM practices have become somewhat mainstream. Once a taboo subject, you can now walk into any sex shop and find couples who want to explore BDSM by browsing through handcuffs and restraint kits or shopping around for the latest must-have ball gag. Not only is BDSM now mainstream, but the expert opinion also concludes that a healthy exploration of BDSM can contribute positively to our wellbeing – and the health of our relationship.

    What are the benefits of BDSM?

    BDSM has long been thought of as a taboo and scandalous practice, and it only took a Twilight fan fiction to turn this once frowned-upon kink into a celebrated part of mainstream culture. While 50 Shades of Grey might not be an accurate or redeeming picture of BDSM relationships, real BDSM enthusiasts enjoy a range of benefits and positive upshots to their kink:

    Better communication

    One benefit to exploring BDSM in your sex life is that you learn to communicate better – both inside and outside the bedroom. BDSM is about discipline and control, but also about respecting one another’s limits: when you are able to ask directly for what you want, set your limits, and enforce your boundaries, this creates a healthy framework for the relationship in general. Lack of communication is a relationship-killer, so developing this skill together will enhance your relationship and lessen potential conflict.

    Deeper trust

    Another relationship-killer is lack of trust between partners, and this is another key relationship milestone that BDSM couples tend to reach more easily than others. BDSM enables you to submit to (or take) control of your partner, and demonstrating this level of vulnerability to another person is not something tobe undertaken lightly. It demands a massive leap of faith for a person to allow themselves to be at the mercy of someone else, especially in a sexual context. If you can trust your partner to respect your boundaries, respect your safe word and also enjoy intimacy together at the same time, it’s natural that a deep and enduring trust will develop.

    More satisfying sex lives

    In a recent study, researchers found that couples who engaged in “BDSM behaviors” reported higher rates of sexual satisfaction, while those who had sexual fantasies which remained unexplored reported lower sexual and relationship satisfaction. Another study found that BDSM practitioners reported higher rates of relationship satisfaction and relationship security. It seems that BDSM practices help couples connect, communicate, and enjoy overall more fulfilling sex lives. So – how do you incorporate BDSM toys into the bedroom, especially if you’re a beginner?

    Best Beginner BDSM Toys: Ball Gags, Handcuffs and More

    The best way to start incorporating BDSM toys into your relationship is by using them to enhance what you already love. For example, if you love when your partner dominates you or takes control in the bedroom, why not incorporate a pair of handcuffs to truly enhance the feeling of submission? If you love it when your partner [consensually] puts a hand on your mouth during sex, why not try out a ball gag? This is the purpose of sex toys: to take what you love about sex and enhance it. Here are our picks for the best beginner-friendly BDSM toys:

    Ball Gag

    A ball gag is a great way to submit to your partner, or have your submissive partner entirely at your mercy. BDSM enthusiasts love the feeling of losing control, and what better way to surrender control than to surrender the ability to express yourself clearly? A ball gag takes submission and domination to a new level while remaining a beginner-level BDSM toy.

    Handcuffs

    If you love it when your partner holds your hands behind your back, or when you feel constrained physically, invest in a pair of handcuffs to enjoy together. If you don’t like the leather or metal look, you can buy a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs or even handcuffs made from luxe leather. Dominant partners will love the feeling of enjoying complete control, while submissive partners will enjoy losing theirs!

    Thigh Sling

    Using a thigh sling is a great way to enhance your sexual positions while simultaneously taking control of (or surrendering to) your partner. A thigh sling is a mix between bondage play and the more advanced BDSM sex slings and sex swings that the hardcore enthusiasts love. Enhance your positions and have better sex with a thigh sling – and if you love the experience, move on to a sex sling!

    Temperature Play

    If you’re not yet ready to spend money investing in a sex toy, you can always find things around the house to use to spice things up in the bedroom! Temperature play is hugely popular amongst BDSM enthusiasts: whether it means using ice cubeson warm naked skin or (safely) stimulating your partner with hot wax, incorporating temperature play can be exhilarating and a fun way to test your limits in an intimate setting.

    Bondage

    While it might seem intimidating for a novice, bondage play is pretty mainstream: a simple search for bondage on Amazon will return thousands of results, with thousands of reviews from everyday couples. Some beginner-friendly bondage includes bed/mattress restraints (tying a partner to the bed via their ankles and wrists) as well as spreader bars, which are a little more advanced, especially as it often means the “submissive” partner will remain standing for long periods of time. Consider bondage as simply a more advanced version of handcuffs, although restraints allow you to explore bondage more comfortably and according to your own needs. You can also pair a set of mattress restraints with a ball gag for heightened sensations of dominance and control!

    How to Incorporate BDSM into the Bedroom: Do’s and Don’ts

    Do’s:

    ● Be understanding of your partner’s limits

    ● Respect your partner’s boundaries

    ● Set your own clear boundaries

    ● Explain clearly what you like/dislike

    ● Let your partner share their fantasies without judgment

    ● Establish verbal and non-verbal safe words

    ● Respect all safewords

    ● Consult your partner before buying new BDSM toys

    ● Never try out a new BDSM fantasy without first consulting your partner

    Don’ts:

    ● Feel pressured into sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with

    ● Push your partner beyond their limit

    ● Gossip with others about your partner’s fantasies – the trust foundation must be solid to engage in BDSM play

    ● Override the safe word, even in the name of being dominant

    ● Force your partner to try out fantasies that they’re uncomfortable with

    Verdict?

    Incorporating fun BDSM toys into the bedroom can be an exhilarating experience: whether you’re a submissive or more the dominant type, there are plenty of thrills to be had when it comes to power-play, and plenty of toys to choose from! Whether you try out ball gags or bondage play, BDSM can help your relationship evolve, stay exciting and remain spontaneous.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    The Top 5 Most Commonly Believed Sex Myths

    By

    When it comes to sex education, many individuals feel left in the dark, leaving many of us believing in various myths and falsehoods about sex, pleasure and their health well into their adult lives.

    In an attempt to better educate Britain on sexual health, Lovehoney ran a survey, revealing the most prevalent sex myths and partnered with a sex expert to debunk the most common misconceptions about sex.

    According to Lovehoney’s research, it’s clear that there is no shortage of sexual misinformation circulating and sex expert Ness Cooper from The Sex Consultant debunks the top 5 most commonly believed sex myths.

    1. ‘Erectile dysfunction is a normal part of growing older and men have to learn to live with it.’

    Believed by a third (34%) of individuals

    ‘Almost 70% of men / those with penises will experience erectile dysfunction by the time they are 70. However, we shouldn’t classify it as normal, as there are many reasons it can affect an individual and these can vary from person to person.’

    ‘Anyone experiencing erectile issues should see a medical professional to find out the cause. Once the cause of erectile dysfunction is found whether that is psychological, physical, or a mixture of both, there are many treatment methods to help manage symptoms.

    2. Sex shouldn’t be painful for women if they are attracted to their partner

    Believed by over 1 in 4 (27%) individuals

    ‘Being attracted to your partner doesn’t stop sex from being painful if you’re experiencing pain during penetration. If you are attracted to your partner it can mean you become aroused easier when thinking or being with them, and this can lead to producing more vaginal lubrication naturally, but may not solve intercourse related pain. There are many reasons someone may experience pain during penetration but whether or not you’re attracted to someone isn’t one of them.’

    3. You can tell when you have a STI

    Believed by 1 in 5 (21%) individuals

    ‘Sometimes STIs can go unnoticed due to the incubation time before they really become active in the body. Even when an STI is active and showing up on test results, there aren’t always symptoms. This is why it’s important to get tested regularly as we can’t always tell if we have contracted one.’

    4. You can get an STI from a toilet seat

    Believed by almost 1 in 5 (18%) individuals

    ‘STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) don’t spread on toilet seats, and ones that spread through contact of bodily fluids don’t survive outside of the body long enough to be transmittable through sitting on them on a toilet seat. The fear of STIs being transmitted via toilet seats has been going around for far too long.’

    5. Pulling out is an effective method of contraception

    Believed by 15% of individuals

    ‘Whilst precum often only contains trace amounts of active sperm there is a possibility someone could get pregnant from penetration that has pre-ejaculation. This means that the pull-out method isn’t always reliable.’

    Other key findings

    • Almost 1 in 3 individuals do not seek sexual health advice from any source
    • One in ten men get their sexual health advice from porn

    • Understanding the importance of communication is the number one thing individuals wish they had learned about sex sooner.

    • Feeling sexy in your own skin was one of the most popular lessons women wished they’d learned sooner with a third (33%) agreeing compared to only 19% of men.

    References

    Sex Education Myths Debunked : https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/sex-education-myths-debunked.html

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    5 Powerful Changes To Make To Your Sex Life In 2022

    By Kelly Gonsalves

    It’s 2022, and conversations around sexuality have evolved tremendously. We know more than ever before about the science of orgasms, fostering desire, and all the different ways we can experience sexuality. There are virtually infinite resources out there, from books and podcasts to courses and retreats, dedicated to helping us tap into all the good feelings to which our bodies have access.

    If it’s been a long while since you last prioritized your sex life, consider this your invitation to enter into the new year with an intention of rediscovering your erotic self and all the ways in which you can experience sensual pleasure in your body, soul, and partnerships. For inspiration, we asked sexuality experts to offer some tangible, straightforward ideas for how to actually better your sex life. Here’s what they recommended:

    1. Talk more about sex.

    “One of the most powerful changes couples can make to their sex life is to talk more about sex,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure.

    To have great sex, you must be able to talk about it. When was the last time you talked to your partner about which types of touch you like the most—and least? Do you know your partner’s wildest fantasies? What are the things that make them in the mood for sex—and not in the mood for sex?

    “If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” Richmond says. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

    2. Start a regular masturbation practice.

    Whether you’re single or partnered, sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recommends making time for solo sex at least once a week.

    “It’s a great way to stay in touch with your sexual energy as well as learn about what your body likes,” she explains. “Allow yourself to explore your desires through porn or erotica, have fun, and take notes about what you like and don’t like!”

    Some people may feel uncomfortable masturbating when they’re in a relationship, or they let their masturbation practice subside in favor of partnered sex. But Battle says anyone and everyone can benefit from masturbating regularly, including people in long-term relationships.

    “Masturbation can help you be less dependent on your partner’s availability for sex. This change opens up so much for people who overly rely on others to be sexual. You can be your most reliable source for sexual pleasure no matter what your relationship status is,” she says. 

    3. Start a mindfulness practice.

    Whether or not we realize it, what we do outside the bedroom can have a big impact on how we feel when we’re actually having sex. That’s why one thing that licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, Psy.D., L.P., recommends to those seeking better sex is to start a mindfulness practice.

    “A regular practice of being present in the moment without judgment may transfer to your sex life, which will likely improve your experience,” she explains. “Being present in the moment is when sex can feel most pleasurable and connected. It’s when we are most in touch with our bodies and our partners.”

    Learning how to be present in your body in general—such as through meditating, breathwork, or other mindfulness exercises—can help you be more aware of the pleasurable sensations your body is feeling during sex (i.e., sex will feel better).

    4. Explore eroticism.

    What does eroticism mean to you?

    “We each have things that we find arousing,” AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed couples’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., tells mbg. “You can tune in to yours by thinking about your best sexual experiences, your fantasies, and your response to various erotic media.”

    Zimmerman recommends taking time to explore what you find erotic and then (if you’re in a relationship) sharing that with your partner—and asking them about their version of eroticism, too.

    “Approach this with curiosity and a whole lot of openness rather than judgment or criticism. Then, play in any overlap you find,” she says. “This doesn’t mean you have to do the things you fantasize about, but you might find it hot to talk about, role-play, or fantasize together that it is happening or about to happen.”

    5. Commit to some novelty.

    If you’re in a long-term relationship, Zimmerman recommends making an active commitment as a couple to prioritize novelty.

    “Decide you’re going to find something new to do together every month. You can change the location or setting, delve into each other’s sexual interests and fantasies and find something you haven’t done (or not done in a long time, anyway), or find a great yes/no/maybe list to get some ideas you may not have considered before,” she says. “Approach this with a spirit of adventure and exploration; it doesn’t have to go without a hitch.”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    People Have Been Having Less Sex

    — Whether They’re Teenagers or 40-Somethings

    Among the young, social media, gaming and “rough sex” may contribute to this trend

    By Emily Willingham

    Human sexual activity affects cognitive function, health, happiness and overall quality of life—and, yes, there is also the matter of reproduction. The huge range of benefits is one reason researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia. A recent study evaluating what is happening in the U.S. has added to the pile of evidence, showing declines from 2009 to 2018 in all forms of partnered sexual activity, including penile-vaginal intercourse, anal sex and partnered masturbation. The findings show that adolescents report less solo masturbation as well.

    The decreases “aren’t trivial,” as the authors wrote in the study, published on November 19 in Archives of Sexual Behavior. Between 2009 and 2018, the proportion of adolescents reporting no sexual activity, either alone or with partners, rose from 28.8 percent to 44.2 percent among young men and from 49.5 percent in 2009 to 74 percent among young women. The researchers obtained the self-reported information from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior and used responses from 4,155 people in 2009 and 4,547 people in 2018. These respondents to the confidential survey ranged in age from 14 to 49 years.

    The study itself did not probe the reasons for this trend. But Scientific American spoke with its first author Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health–Bloomington, and Tsung-chieh (Jane) Fu, a co-author of the paper and a research associate at the school, about underlying factors that might explain these changes.

    [An edited transcript of the interview follows.]

    Given that research in other parts of the world has already indicated decreases in partnered sex, what do your recent findings add to the picture?

    HERBENICK: Our study tracks the declines, too, and extends the research because Jane [Fu] and our larger team tracked sex behaviors in really detailed ways. We looked at penile-vaginal sex, partnered masturbation, and giving and receiving oral sex. And we saw declines across all categories. And we included adolescents, too. The decline in adolescent masturbation is interesting, and we were the first to include it. That one deserves a lot more attention.

    What might explain declines among young people?

    FU: We need more studies to tell us why. But for young people, computer games, increasing social media use, video games—something is replacing that time. During that period from 2009 to 2018, different types of social media emerged. This is always evolving, especially for younger people.

    HERBENICK: We don’t expect there to be one explanation or one driver in these decreases. We fully expect that there are multiple things going on for different age groups, different partnership status, different genders. You don’t need those individual pieces to explain a big part of a notable decrease, but … each one [might]  explain a percentage point or two.

    Is there any contribution from increases in people expressing an asexual identity?

    HERBENICK: We don’t know why more people are identifying as asexual, but I do think more people are aware of it as a valid identity. Even compared with when I started teaching human sexuality in 2003, I routinely had one student in my class who might identify as asexual. Now I have three or four. That’s striking to me. I love that young people are aware of so many different ways to put into words how they feel about themselves. For many of them, they feel that it’s okay to opt out of sex.

    In your paper, you bring up increases in “rough sex” as potentially contributing to declines. Can you explain what you mean by rough sex, and how it could be playing a role in these changes?

    HERBENICK: Especially for those 18 to 29 years old, there have been increases in what many people call rough sex behaviors. Limited research suggests that an earlier idea of this was what I would consider fairly vanilla rough sex: pulling hair, a little light spanking. What we see now in studies of thousands of randomly sampled college students is choking or strangling during sex. The behavior seems to be a majority behavior for college-age students. For many people, it’s consensual and wanted and asked for, but it’s also scary to many people, even if they learn to enjoy it or want it. It’s a major line of research for our team: to understand how they feel, what the health risks are and how that fits into the larger sexual landscapes.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

    Posted on

    My sexual resume, or lack thereof

    By

    My 60-year-old Catholic immigrant mom called me after my first column was published. She told me that one of her patients at her dental office saw my face next to my column on her news feed. Given the nature of what I write, all I was thinking was, “Well folks, it’s the end for me.”

    Luckily, I was able to make up a shaky excuse because her patient couldn’t read English very well. At the time, I almost wished that she could, that she would tell my mother every nasty detail about my sexual and romantic life. Fearing that my mom would take me out of this world just as swiftly as she had brought me into it would have been a great reason to not write about sex anymore.

    I didn’t want to write about sex because I believed I wasn’t qualified to write about sex. I’m no Dan Savage, no Alexandra Cooper, no Sofia Franklyn. People always tell me their crazy sex stories, not the other way around. To be honest, I don’t have sex as often as you think a sex columnist would, and I carry terrible intergenerational trauma that taught me to put off intimacy in order to survive. In fact, I was so uncomfortable with being vulnerable that I always felt extremely uneasy when my friends talked to me about something as simple as their favorite sex positions or how many fingers they had up their butthole last weekend.

    Alas, being honest with myself and my sexuality was an easier bridge to cross than I had thought it would be. There was no epiphany or anything. I just continued being me. Both in sex and in my writing, I find it amusing to swing back and forth between boisterous confidence and quiet vulnerability, blunt physicality and embellished make-believe. I discovered quickly that sex is everywhere — that every corner of life is overflowing with orgasms, vulvas and phalli.

    Everywhere I looked, sex was there looking right back at me — for better or for worse.

    Once, while standing on a crowded street in San Francisco, I felt someone’s hand caress me under the hem of my skirt. But when I turned, I could only see the back of his head as he walked away. I was shocked. I mentally reenacted that moment many times, daydreaming about what I wished I’d said to this man who touched me.

    I imagined grabbing him by the back of his polo, spinning him around and decking him in the face. I imagined what would have happened if I had worn pants that day instead. I imagined someone noticing what he did and asking me if I was OK. None of these scenarios played out. Instead, my voice caught in my throat. At the time, all I could muster was a private expletive before angry tears began to well up in my eyes.

    Moments like those have shown me sex at its worst. As soon as I was old enough to notice, I learned that men wield a unique power to objectify and commodify women’s bodies. I learned that sex is often the manifestation of an unjust imbalance of power. All of the heteronormative, patriarchal, misogynistic and colonialist dimensions of sex left me with little hope of uplifting myself, let alone being vulnerable.

    I have, however, also seen sex at its best. I love how beautiful and powerful I feel when someone touches me with care and respect. I love having sex with people who ask me for my consent. I love laughing during sex. I love having sex with people who have grown beyond selfishness, and I love decolonizing my body and unapologetically asking for more.

    I have also fallen in love with the sheer physicality of sex, but sometimes I forget this. I have to remind myself that outside of all the oppression and injustice, sometimes sex is just something that makes me feel good. Sex lets me forget how much I hate the way that the patriarchy finds its way into my life, if only for a moment.

    Sex is many things, not just eroticism. Sex is everywhere because sex is about power and choice. Sexual chemistry, horniness, intimacy — these are all realities that we will into being, not just happy accidents. Everyone, especially oppressed peoples, can wield the vulnerability of sex to dismantle systems of domination. As soon as I realized that I have the power to advocate for myself, feel good and make other people feel good, writing about sex suddenly didn’t seem that daunting after all.

    Noticing that sex surrounds us means embracing our vulnerability and physicality in full. I restored power to myself when I freely chose not to hide or disappear. I thought I wasn’t qualified to write about sex, but I did it anyway. Indeed, most of us are far more qualified to talk about sex than we think. It’s just a matter of paying attention.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!