Month: December 2020

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12 new sex slang terms you need to know

Working ‘doppelbanger’ into conversation immediately. 

By Sophie Goulopoulos

They say the English language is continuously evolving. And much of that has to do with slang and colloquialisms. Behold, here are 12 new sexy words for your vocabulary.

The word of 2020 might be ‘pandemic’ (which is mighty depressing), but we’ve stumbled upon some spicy new slang words, too, which is a considerably more enjoyable topic.

With some insight from our friends at LoveHoney, there’s a whole bunch of new terminology for things you find in the bedroom. You know, adult things.

You’ll want to add these to your vocabulary immediately if not sooner.

Pretty pistachio

A cute name for the lovely clitoris, mother of pleasure. With over 8,000 nerve-endings in the tip of the clitoris alone, this little nut is immeasurably satisfying to crack. Like having to pry open each pistachio individually, the effort is worth it.

Fifth base

We’ve all heard of bases 1-4 right, but what’s fifth base? Fifth base, also known as deep diving, is a more incognito way of saying anal sex.

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Playing the flute

You’re either thinking of Michelle from American Pie or Ron Burgundy playing the “yazz flute” in Anchorman. Both are pretty sensual, if we’re being honest. In either case, this is a new way to say blowjob.

Doppelbanger

You know when you’ve had a couple of glasses of wine and you realise that person making eyes at you looks like Shawn Mendes? Who could blame you for wanting to fulfill a celebrity fantasy? A dopplebanger is someone you have sex with because they look like someone else.

Finger painting

Paints a picture, huh? A creative, relaxing, joyful and uses your digits. Finger painting is another term for female masturbation.

Eating the peach

In the world of media, fruit is a popular G-rated representation of genitalia, and you can see why because they really, really look like vaginas.

‘Eating the peach’ is a prettier way of saying: oral sex performed on a woman. This is a gentle, sensual motion of licking the vulva and clit.

Five knuckle shuffle

Yet another term for men’s masturbation, like we needed another one. This one is kinda funny though, we encourage you to use it often. File it next to “spanking the monkey” and “shaking hands with the milkman”.

Postboned

You know when you’re running late because of an unexpected sexual encounter? Yeah. This is fun to say. We like this one a lot. Please work it into conversation as much as you can.

Queening

One of our favourites, queening is a fancy way of saying ‘sitting on someone’s face’ (and telling you that you love them. Monty Python reference? No?). Think of ‘queening’ as a queen sitting on her pleasure throne.

Rusty trombone

One to pretty easily visualise, a rusty trombone is the act of performing a hand job and a rim job simultaneously. The giver looks like they’re playing the trombone.

Sissy play

Sissy play is a form of power-play used to enhance BDSM scenes to create a strong power dynamic and relies on gender stereotypes to work.

Generally speaking, a submissive man emasculates himself and takes on personality traits or roles usually associated with women, for example, the role of a maid.

As always, both parties should consent before taking part in any BDSM activities.

Toygasm

Sex toy sales are way up this year, with social distancing meaning everyone’s spending more time on their own. So it’s understandable that intense, jaw-clenching blended orgasm you get from the Rabbit vibrator would have its own word.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why heterosexual relationships are so bad for us

By Julia Naftulin

  • Sexuality and gender researcher Jane Ward researched the history of heterosexuality and concluded that straight relationships are “tragic” because of their inherent inequality. 
  • Through interviews and research for her book, Ward concluded that straight women bear the brunt of opposite-sex relationships.
  • This unequal burden has led to the physical and emotional mistreatment of women, rising divorce rates, and lackluster sex lives among straight people, Ward told Insider.

Since the pandemic began, there has been an uptick in reports of divorce and studies finding a rise in lackluster sex — mainly among straight couples.

These trends of heterosexual relationship crises aren’t surprising to Jane Ward, a sexuality and gender professor at University of California Riverside and author of “The Tragedy of Heterosexuality.”

“I think in some ways the pandemic is revealing the tragedy of heterosexuality to people who might not have otherwise paid attention to it,” Ward told Insider.

Ward, a lesbian, has spent years researching the history of heterosexuality and its legacy. The result is a thorough academic account of all the ways the “straight” relationship dynamic restrains and hampers both men and women.

She feels sorry for straight people, especially straight women, who typically report some of the lowest sexual satisfaction in society, Ward told Insider. But she also feels sorry for straight men, who are pigeon-holed into toxic-masculine culture that teaches them they both need, and yet should also demean, women. 

“It really looks like straight men and women don’t like each other very much, that women spend so much time complaining about men, and we still have so much evidence of misogyny,” or woman-hating behavior, said Ward of her findings. “From an LGBT perspective, [being straight] looks actually very tragic.”

Straight women are the least likely to orgasm during sex

Ward interviewed almost 100 men, women, and non-binary people of varying sexual orientations about their thoughts on heterosexuality, and a common theme emerged: Straight women put straight men on a pedestal, even though it doesn’t benefit them to do so.

“I find it depressing to see what my straight female friends put up with regarding treatment from men. I really sympathize with these women, but at the same time it makes me feel alienated from them. Our lives become so different when theirs revolves around attachment to a cruel, insensitive, self-centered, or simply boring man,” a queer white female from Europe told Ward for her book.

One queer white female told Ward that she saw a post circulating among her straight friends on Facebook about “how men know when sex is over.” Every man had commented “when I cum,” and it shocked her.

“As a lesbian, I can’t imagine stopping sex with my partner the minute I cum. It’s kind of hilarious to think about! But of course it’s also sad that this is apparently the reality for straight women,” she told Ward.

Research backs up the anecdotes.

A 2018 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior Ward cited in her book looked at orgasms differences in gay, bisexual, and straight men and women and found that straight women were the least likely to report orgasms during partnered sex. The majority of straight men in the study reported orgasming almost every time the had sex with a partner, and the other sexual orientations fell in the middle.

And though straight women often cite clitoral stimulation as a prerequisite for an orgasm, people are taught little about female sexual pleasure and how to achieve it. Instead, the focus remains on penetrative sex.

Rituals like weddings and gender reveals have resulted in literal disasters

Even joyous lexicons of straight culture have been shown to cause harm.

Just this year a gender-reveal party caused a California wildfire and firefighter death, and large weddings in Washington, Maine, and elsewhere led to coronavirus outbreaks and deaths.

Both weddings and gender reveals stem from the gender binary — the concept that there are only two genders, men and women — and the stereotypes that binary has instilled in virtually every aspect of our lives, from housework to career to sex.

“It’s that straight culture is based in a presumption that men and women are really different kinds of people, that they want different things, that they have different interests, and that they are sort of opposite. And they come together sexually and romantically because opposites attract,” Ward said of the gender binary, or idea that “man” and “woman” are the only two genders.

Heterosexual men are encouraged to objectify women and smother their own feelings

Similar to the gender-role constraints straight women face, Ward said masculine standards are suffocating straight men.

In her book, Ward wrote of the “misogyny paradox,” which refers to boys’ and mens’ struggle to appreciate and respect women in a culture where they’re also applauded and considered more masculine for hating and objectifying women.

Young men are also taught sex with women will make them manlier, but they aren’t taught how to make that experience pleasurable, or even pleasant, for the women involved.

Then there’s the issue of communicating needs and feelings, something that has been coded as a “feminine.” Men, as a result, are subtly and explicitly encouraged not to open up emotionally, leaving their partners in the dark.

“Men and women are defaulting into these gender categories,” Ward said.

“I think that if men could recognize that equity and feminism are actually really central to a healthy and happy relationship, if that’s something they want, then they might be able to move further in that direction,” said Ward.

It wasn’t always this way

Through her research, Ward found that the concepts of heterosexuality and homosexuality came into existence in the 19th century. Before then, people didn’t consider the gender or sex of the person they were having sex with as way to label themselves.

“Before then, people engaged in homosexual sex acts but it was just considered an act, not a type of person,” that you had to label, Ward said. When a person had sex with the opposite sex it was for reproductive purposes, for example, while sex with the same sex was pleasure-based and not for reproduction.

But everything changed when Hungarian journalist Karl Maria Kertbeny coined the terms “heterosexual” and “homosexual” in the 1860s. Psychotherapists began to suggest heterosexuality was a superior “type” because it allowed for procreation, while homosexuality didn’t have the same utility, BBC previously reported.

Thus a romanticized narrative of the gender binary, or idea that there are two genders of man and woman, was born. This story taught people that opposite-sex attraction, love, and family planning was the most natural way to do things, and it endures to this day in the form of straight rituals like the gender reveal party and lavish wedding ceremonies.

Since the pandemic began, there has been an uptick in reports of divorce and studies finding a rise in lackluster sex — mainly among straight couples.

These trends of heterosexual relationship crises aren’t surprising to Jane Ward, a sexuality and gender professor at University of California Riverside and author of “The Tragedy of Heterosexuality.”

“I think in some ways the pandemic is revealing the tragedy of heterosexuality to people who might not have otherwise paid attention to it,” Ward told Insider.

Ward, a lesbian, has spent years researching the history of heterosexuality and its legacy. The result is a thorough academic account of all the ways the “straight” relationship dynamic restrains and hampers both men and women.

She feels sorry for straight people, especially straight women, who typically report some of the lowest sexual satisfaction in society, Ward told Insider. But she also feels sorry for straight men, who are pigeon-holed into toxic-masculine culture that teaches them they both need, and yet should also demean, women.

“It really looks like straight men and women don’t like each other very much, that women spend so much time complaining about men, and we still have so much evidence of misogyny,” or woman-hating behavior, said Ward of her findings. “From an LGBT perspective, [being straight] looks actually very tragic.”

Straight women are the least likely to orgasm during sex

Ward interviewed almost 100 men, women, and non-binary people of varying sexual orientations about their thoughts on heterosexuality, and a common theme emerged: Straight women put straight men on a pedestal, even though it doesn’t benefit them to do so.

“I find it depressing to see what my straight female friends put up with regarding treatment from men. I really sympathize with these women, but at the same time it makes me feel alienated from them. Our lives become so different when theirs revolves around attachment to a cruel, insensitive, self-centered, or simply boring man,” a queer white female from Europe told Ward for her book.

One queer white female told Ward that she saw a post circulating among her straight friends on Facebook about “how men know when sex is over.” Every man had commented “when I cum,” and it shocked her.

“As a lesbian, I can’t imagine stopping sex with my partner the minute I cum. It’s kind of hilarious to think about! But of course it’s also sad that this is apparently the reality for straight women,” she told Ward.

Research backs up the anecdotes.

A 2018 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior Ward cited in her book looked at orgasms differences in gay, bisexual, and straight men and women and found that straight women were the least likely to report orgasms during partnered sex. The majority of straight men in the study reported orgasming almost every time the had sex with a partner, and the other sexual orientations fell in the middle.

And though straight women often cite clitoral stimulation as a prerequisite for an orgasm, people are taught little about female sexual pleasure and how to achieve it. Instead, the focus remains on penetrative sex.
Rituals like weddings and gender reveals have resulted in literal disasters

Even joyous lexicons of straight culture have been shown to cause harm.

Just this year a gender-reveal party caused a California wildfire and firefighter death, and large weddings in Washington, Maine, and elsewhere led to coronavirus outbreaks and deaths.

Both weddings and gender reveals stem from the gender binary — the concept that there are only two genders, men and women — and the stereotypes that binary has instilled in virtually every aspect of our lives, from housework to career to sex.

“It’s that straight culture is based in a presumption that men and women are really different kinds of people, that they want different things, that they have different interests, and that they are sort of opposite. And they come together sexually and romantically because opposites attract,” Ward said of the gender binary, or idea that “man” and “woman” are the only two genders.
Heterosexual men are encouraged to objectify women and smother their own feelings

Similar to the gender-role constraints straight women face, Ward said masculine standards are suffocating straight men.

In her book, Ward wrote of the “misogyny paradox,” which refers to boys’ and mens’ struggle to appreciate and respect women in a culture where they’re also applauded and considered more masculine for hating and objectifying women.

Young men are also taught sex with women will make them manlier, but they aren’t taught how to make that experience pleasurable, or even pleasant, for the women involved.

Then there’s the issue of communicating needs and feelings, something that has been coded as a “feminine.” Men, as a result, are subtly and explicitly encouraged not to open up emotionally, leaving their partners in the dark.

“Men and women are defaulting into these gender categories,” Ward said.

“I think that if men could recognize that equity and feminism are actually really central to a healthy and happy relationship, if that’s something they want, then they might be able to move further in that direction,” said Ward.
It wasn’t always this way

Through her research, Ward found that the concepts of heterosexuality and homosexuality came into existence in the 19th century. Before then, people didn’t consider the gender or sex of the person they were having sex with as way to label themselves.

“Before then, people engaged in homosexual sex acts but it was just considered an act, not a type of person,” that you had to label, Ward said. When a person had sex with the opposite sex it was for reproductive purposes, for example, while sex with the same sex was pleasure-based and not for reproduction.

But everything changed when Hungarian journalist Karl Maria Kertbeny coined the terms “heterosexual” and “homosexual” in the 1860s. Psychotherapists began to suggest heterosexuality was a superior “type” because it allowed for procreation, while homosexuality didn’t have the same utility, BBC previously reported.

Thus a romanticized narrative of the gender binary, or idea that there are two genders of man and woman, was born. This story taught people that opposite-sex attraction, love, and family planning was the most natural way to do things, and it endures to this day in the form of straight rituals like the gender reveal party and lavish wedding ceremonies.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Kids Are Watching Pornography.

Here’s How to Talk About It.

I teach sex ed. In light of a recent report on exploitation of children on the site Pornhub, I have some talking points for parents.

By Shafia Zaloom

The New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof’s recent report on videos of child sexual abuse on the website Pornhub may have parents wondering if their own children are watching Pornhub, or other pornography websites. Others may be appalled by the possibility that their child may view videos of assault and rape, or ask for or send sexually explicit selfies that could end up on social media or a porn site.

All kinds of kids come across porn, and some routinely seek it out, younger than parents might expect. Beware of thinking “not my child.” In my experience as a sex education teacher and national consultant on relationships and consent, I talk about sex with lots of kids. It’s a rare teen who hasn’t seen sexually explicit media — for some, even before having a first kiss.

Here are some talking points and guidelines to consider.

Before you start the discussion with your children, consider what you might want them to think, learn and know about sexuality and intimacy.

Think about whether the messages you give are about porn or about sex. As Mr. Kristof wrote, “It should be possible to be sex positive and Pornhub negative.”

For younger children, under 10, “If we want children’s understanding of sexuality to be connected to human intimacy, we must talk about how physical and emotional intimacy are related to each other,” said Deborah Roffman, author of “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go-To’ Person About Sex.”

She suggested talking with your child about “cuddling and the amazing feelings it evokes — help them name feeling safe, loved and protected. That physical contact within the context of pornography is the opposite of that.”

It is also important to have parental controls in place on digital devices, to help protect kids from accidentally seeing something disturbing.

For kids in middle school, I provide concrete metaphors to make the point that porn isn’t an accurate portrayal of sex and certainly not of sexual intimacy. I tell my students, “Sometimes people look at porn because they want to learn about sex, but that’s like watching ‘The Fast and the Furious’ to learn how to drive.” Then we watch the trailer for “The Fast and the Furious” and discuss questions like, who was impacted by the driving? What were the consequences? What makes it entertaining to watch? How is it different from real life?

These conversations help my students understand that porn creates highly dramatized, even caricatured images of sex, just as the film does with driving, and that real-life experiences may look very different.

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Try to talk with your teenager openly and honestly, and without judgment, shaming or ultimatums. Choose a time that is private and somewhat casual, like a car ride (which can feel less intensely intimate because eyes are focused ahead and not on each other) or a walk or hike (because an activity and movement serves the same purpose) or late at night after a family movie (kids are smart, they know adults tend to be tired around this time and will talk less and listen more).

This should be the start of a series of conversations, not a one-time lecture. Stick with open-ended “how” and “what” questions, like “What do you think teenagers use pornography for?” Or, “How do you think porn impacts people’s real-life relationships?” Let them be the experts of their own experience and start with what they observe and think about the topic rather than pushing them to tell you about their porn experiences.

Your teenager is likely to resist any conversation with you about porn — and about any topic related to sex. Still, it’s important for you to raise the issue and make sure your child has the important information they need, even if they don’t seem to want to hear it.

The absence of a response does not necessarily mean that your child is not listening. You can say, for example, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about porn, but the opportunity hasn’t really come up yet, so I’m just going to share some of the information I think is important.” If you meet resistance, you might continue with, “I know this is awkward and difficult. It is for me, too. I also realize this may or may not be relevant to you, but it’s pervasive in our culture, so I want to make sure you have some important information about porn and healthy relationships.”

As part of your conversations, even if they are one-sided, it’s important to include the following messages:

Porn is someone else’s fantasy that doesn’t come from your own imagination and is not reflective of most people’s sexual realities and safe sexuality practices.

Porn is entertainment, and is largely driven by making what sells and what will make a profit.

Performers’ bodies are typically altered and enhanced to curate a specific look.

The models are hired to perform, so it is possible that it’s contractual, not consensual.

There’s nothing private about it. Privacy is a healthy component of a sexual relationship.

What you’re seeing is not realistic on many levels. For example, a 10-minute sex scene may take hours to make. Actors often use erectile enhancers to maintain arousal. If a scene doesn’t come out the way they want it, they just reshoot it. Editing after the fact creates a specific representation.

It is relatively common for children under 18 to ask for, take, send and receive nudes, but doing so can carry real consequences. The federal government considers it trafficking in child pornography, even if you are taking and sending pictures of yourself. Educate yourself on federal laws regarding pornography and your state’s teen sexting laws.

If your child tells you about sending a nude, do your best to stay composed and resist any temptation to interrogate, shame or victim-blame. You may say, “I’m glad that you’ve come to me to tell me.” Focus on the person who has broken trust with your child and is sharing or posting the pictures.

When people’s nude images are posted online without their consent, they may experience the violation as if it had happened in person. It can be devastating. Ask what your child would like to share. Remember that abuse is a disempowering experience; we want survivors to feel they can have autonomy as they navigate their process. Use open-ended questions and their comfort level to guide the conversation. Empower them to make their own choices by offering options and resources like therapeutic counseling or reporting to law enforcement.

As a parent, you have been teaching your children values in all aspects of their lives. Talk about what mutual respect looks, sounds and feels like within a sexual context. It’s important to emphasize that sexual relationships can include both emotional and physical intimacy; the connection usually includes romantic interest and sexual attraction.

Without guidance from the adults in their lives about how pleasurable sexual experiences should look, sound, and feel, kids are working from the representations they see on screens. Make sure to provide age appropriate, medically accurate information about sexuality as well as guidance on how to apply that information to their intimate relationships. Encourage your kids to define gender for themselves, to avoid letting stereotypes shape their actions, and to be sober and brave in social and sexual situations.

Remind them that sexual discovery should be good, exciting and fun for both partners. Most of all, emphasize that sex is not a performance, but a felt experience.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How mindful sex helped me through the pandemic this year

When Emma Firth had a sexual awakening, she was surprised to find an inner calm

By Kate Moyle

For me, a rather happy respite in this s**t show of a year was, unexpectedly, meeting someone and connecting with them sexually.

When the pandemic hit in March, establishing a routine was the most prescribed self-care tonic on my Instagram feed. Easy, I thought. Though, after a while, the Groundhog Days started to grate. Everything felt so deeply monotonous. Combine that with the onslaught of a grim news cycle, mute social life, and meeting anyone new seemingly out of bounds or, as one friend so deftly described dating this year: “If it were a banner? Bleak Until Further Notice.” It wasn’t so much missing romance, so much as much as the possibility of it.

But on meeting my partner I entered into a world of the good kind of uncertainty, as opposed to looming-threat-and-panic-in-a-pandemic kind. A flicker of hope and frivolity, in a landscape shrouded in doom and gloom. Our early courtship was more like being in a Jane Austen novel i.e. lots of walking and public encounters. Time felt slower, and sweeter, in his company. Similarly, when we’ve been intimate, I savour every moment. I am never thinking I should do anything. I’m just enjoying the meandering of sensations; the warmth of his touch, his mouth on mine, being fully present in my body. Here, I am blissfully immune to rules or expectations.

As such, the experience is all the more satisfying, and stress-relieving, because I’m in the moment. Like a good, long walk. The ones that are totally aimless. You amble up and down, maybe stop for a bit and then, somewhere along the way come across something so mesmerising that, for a brief moment, you just sort of bathe in its beauty. Afterwards, you feel connected, energised, restored. We’re living through an undeniably tumultuous period. Seeing our friends’ lives play out on our phone screens; comparison culture at an all-time high; professional uncertainty. Sex should be a soothing intermission. Free of judgement or external worries. And for me it is.

Before I met him, I was craving physical intimacy more than ever, like a lot of people during a year of U Can’t Touch This. The erotic friction that occurs when you know you are attracted to someone. Every moment titillating. Sex written in every look, hand hold, kiss, until finally your bodies are in motion. Like slowly, one by one, adding logs to a burning fire.

 It’s all part of the “sex dance”, as I like to call it. Or, as I’ve recently discovered it’s been co-opted, ‘mindful sex’. A term which is so hot right now, there’s a new book dedicated to it: Mindful Shagging: The Calmer Sutra by Rhonda Yearn. My first thought upon hearing this emerging lust-based lexicon? Ugh. Yet another thing to remember to be mindful about. Scepticism aside – I fully support the sentiment in practice. According to Yearn, it’s about “bringing our awareness” to this moment in time. Sex that “produces inner calm, tranquillity and self-acceptance.” Something we could all use a higher dose of in 2020.  To break it down further, mindful sex is a shift away from conventional mind-filled sex. The latter a fixed, goal-orientated concept. So often fed to us, be it through films to conversations with friends, that you’ve nailed it (pah!) only if one reaches orgasm. Being naked with another person is peak vulnerability, why add a layer of stress to such an enterprise? Not least in the age of Covid-19, a year that has been marred by a tsunami of emotional tension and pressure for so many of us.  Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist Kate Moyle offers up a useful framework here to “tune out to turn on.” First, try and take distractions out of your environment i.e. no tech (“our brains are primed to notice things [and] take in new information.”) Secondly, introduce sensory cues (“something like LOVE Sleep pillow spray from This Works, it helps create a shift in context”). Thirdly – and most importantly – “avoid putting pressure on yourself.”

This, I can report, has been the most significant shift this year. I am notably happier, in every aspect of my life, when I just ‘go with the flow.’ No rush to get to the next level. One of my pet peeves is when girlfriends want to delve into the-morning-after chat. So often it feels like a performance review. What was it like? What did you do? What did he do? And so on.

Sex isn’t a performance, it’s an experience. If I look back through my archive of subpar, um, sessions, they’ve always been the ones I’ve built up in my mind beforehand. Which is a recipe for disappointment. Like New Year’s Eve (my most hated day of the year). You angle it to be the best night ever, you will look incredible, they’ll be fireworks, the whole shebang. So that when you get to the big day itself it’s, at worst, panic-inducing. At best, mind-numbingly anti-climactic. Far better to just make it up as you go, take pleasure in the moments, as they occur. Be zen AF…quite literally.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Audio or Written Erotica More ‘Ethical’ Than Photo or Video?

by Gabrielle Kassel

What’s the short answer?

No.

There isn’t anything that makes audio or written erotica inherently more ethical than its visual counterparts.

Below, we break down why people think they are — and what you can do to be the best (read: most ethical) consumer of written and aural smut you can be.

Porn or erotica is any content that’s designed with the explicit intention of arousing, enticing, or sexually intriguing an audience.

While “porn” is often used as shorthand for “XXX videos,” written and audio content can qualify as erotica, too.

Ethical porn or erotica is the phrase used for content that was created and distributed ethically.

That means the content creators:

  • were paid fair wages
  • were treated with respect
  • had access to good working conditions

In the case of video content, that means the performers’ pleasures, boundaries, and health were integral to determining how the scene would play out.

“Porn” and “ethical porn” should be synonymous.

And explicit content that isn’t ethical shouldn’t be called “porn” — it should be called violence and abuse.

As a consumer, it’s pretty tricky to know if the content you’re enjoying was created or distributed ethically, says sex worker and sex educator Corey More.

“But as a general rule, the best way to be an ethical consumer of porn is to pay for it,” they say.

And that’s true for all types of erotica!

Adult content that’s distributed via explicit paperbacks, online stories, and audio recordings isn’t automatically more ethical than NSFW photos and videos.

But many people believe that it is.

Why? More says it stems from the pervasive societal ideal that nobody would ever voluntarily choose to be a sex worker.

“There’s an idea that all video porn performers are victims of circumstance,” they add.

Because the bodies of those who make written and audio erotica aren’t directly implicated in creation, these creators usually aren’t considered sex workers, explains More.

Instead, they’re considered performers, voice-over artists, essayists, and wordsmiths.

“I’ve been editing anthologies for over 15 years, and the instances of unethical written erotica I’ve come across, personally, are rare,” says Rachel Kramer Bussel, an erotica writer and editor of over 60 anthologies, including the Best Women’s Erotica of the Year series from Cleis Press.

“But just as with video porn, written erotica can be unethical,” says Bussel. “There are shady people pirating books and trying to illegally profit off of others’ work in many creative fields, including erotica.”

Pirating, for the record, basically means plagiarizing.

“There’s also things such as book stuffing by unethical self-published erotica authors,” explains Bussel.

Book stuffing refers to padding a book with “nothing pages” — like sneak previews of upcoming books and reprintings of old stories — in order to boost the overall number of pages and, subsequently, the price.

A lot of explicit audio is recorded based on a script or short story. So just as the storylines and sentences of written erotica can be plagiarized, so can those in audio erotica.

To date, documented instances of this are few.

Some audio erotica platforms — like Quinn and Literotica — allow users to upload their own soundtracks.

It should go without saying, but if any of the noisemakers involved are unaware that or didn’t consent to their noises being uploaded onto the internet, the content is unethical.

Want to get an eye- or earful of X-rated smut? Here’s how to make sure it, and the way you’re consuming it, are ethical.

1. Do a quick Google search

Thanks to the (sometimes) wonderful worldwide web, a few clicks and clacks will introduce you to anyone’s backstory — and that includes erotica writers and voice-over artists.

Your move: “Google the name of the author you’re thinking about reading [or hearing] from,” says Bussel.

“This will help you make sure they haven’t been involved with anything you wouldn’t want to contribute to financially,” she says.

2. Check out the publisher

“One of the best ways to make sure your written erotica isn’t plagiarized or being sold by an unauthorized seller is to look at the source,” says Bussel.

Is it published by a reputable publisher (such as those listed on the Erotica Readers & Writers Association website)? If so, the odds that this publisher is ethical are solid!

Bussel also recommends doing a quick internet search of the publisher in question.

“Have they been accused of withholding owed royalties from their authors, for example? If so, they’re not ethical,” she says.

(Popular LGBTQ+ erotica publisher, Dreamspinner Press, for example, has been accused of doing this.)

3. Or the producer

In the case of audio erotica, take a moment to learn more about the app or platform where the content lives.

If the platform has an easy-to-find disclaimer about their practice, that’s promising.

Audio erotica app, Dipsea, for example, shares, “Dipsea sex is safe, positive, and full of healthy boundary setting and enthusiastic consent.”

Ditto goes for platforms that donate a portion of their income to sexual rights.

&Jane, for example, donates a portion of their income to Woodhull Freedom Foundation, a nonprofit that works full time to affirm and protect sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

4. Pay for your content directly

Did you know that many erotica writers have paid newsletters or Patreon memberships that you can subscribe to for automatic access to their new content? Yep!

For just $1 a month on Patreon, for example, you can access erotica writer Lesbian Pulp’s steamy, lesbian fiction.

And for $10 a month, you can access two erotica short stories from Eclipse, which pegs itself as a cosmic home for Black Queer Erotica.

5. Reach out to the creator

Know you love the work of one particular writer or performer? “You can always ask them via email or social media what the best way to support their work is,” says Bussel.

You may not always get a response, but many creators do read the messages they receive — hearing that you enjoy the work they’re doing is sure to be appreciated!

6. Support the creators in other ways, too

Paying for and consuming a creator’s content is the best way to put money where your *heart eyes* are.

But these days, employers do look at authors’ and performers’ follower counts and engagement. So giving your fave creators a follow on Instagram or Twitter could help them earn more work in the future.

Video erotica can be great! Written erotica can be great! Audio erotica can be great!

But no form of adult content is immune to unethical practices.

So whether you’re curling up with your laptop, AirPods, or one-handed reader, be sure to take a little time to do research.

A little clock and coin are small prices to pay for climax, after all.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Queer lessons for straight couples

Book shows how heterosexuals can learn from LGBT people to have better relationships

By Holly Ober

The tragedy of heterosexuality isn’t that men are heterosexual. It’s that they’re not heterosexual enough.

That’s according to UC Riverside professor of gender and sexuality studies Jane Ward, whose new book, “The Tragedy of Heterosexuality,” examines marriage manuals, self-help books, and “dating science” seminars, concluding that for over a century these products have tried, and failed, to solve the problem at the heart of heterosexuality: Men and women don’t like each other very much.

The dislike is not rooted in biological difference but patriarchal gender dynamics in which men gain prestige in the eyes of other men by having sex with women, whether the women receive pleasure or not. The assumed natural inevitability of heterosexual attraction, called heteronormativity, makes this uncomfortable and frustrating situation intolerable for both sexes. Men require sexually yielding female partners who make few demands of their emotions or time and women hate the demeaning, manipulative, even painful roles they must accept to make their relationships work.

“One of the ways that heteronormativity has survived is by convincing both gay people and straight people that being straight makes for a happier, healthier, easier life. This has made people fearful to explore queer desire by depicting gay life as tragic and difficult,” Ward said. “But more to the point of my book, it has masked over how much misery straight people —straight women, in particular — actually experience.”

Ward argues that if we take misogyny, violence against women, and the daily inequities of straight relationships at all seriously, we start to see that gendered suffering is a core part of many straight women’s —and men’s— experiences. We also start to see this kind of suffering is as tragic as the kinds produced by homophobia. The difference is that straight people are expected to be made wildly happy by the very relationships that actually cause them to be miserable. 

“Straight culture promises women the world, but, in reality, offers women very little,” Ward said. “Queer culture, on the other hand, is a source of joy for most queer people; it’s homophobia and straight culture, not queer culture, that is the source of most queer suffering.”  

Looking in on heterosexuality as a queer outsider and ally, Ward rejects the commercialized self-help tactics she examines and proposes a more radical approach, adapted from queer and feminist writers and personal conversations, which she calls “deep heterosexuality.” Straight couples don’t need to learn cleverer and more subtle ways to manipulate each other. They need to find ways to relate that don’t depend on patriarchy and misogyny.

Men need to learn to genuinely like women and situate loving and pleasing women at the center of their sexual attraction to women. Men can learn from lesbians how to desire and have sex with women and love them as true equals. They can identify with women, share women’s interests and concerns, and still find women as thrilling as lesbians do.

“From a lesbian feminist perspective, many straight men seem to have only a half-baked desire for women, a feeble version of what lesbians feel,” Ward said. “What I am arguing for is what I call deep heterosexuality, wherein straight men learn to like women so deeply that they actually like women. I am arguing for straightness to take its own impulses even deeper, to make them more authentic.”

Cover of "The Tragedy of Heterosexuality," by Jane Ward
The cover of “The Tragedy of Heterosexuality,” by Jane Ward, published by NYU Press.

How did it get to be this bad? Ward reviews popular marriage manuals from the 19th century onward and finds that marital rape and mutual revulsion at each other’s bodies contradicted the developing belief that a husband and wife should be loving companions. Books emphasized the innate aggression of male sexuality and women’s duty to submit.

Many of these books were written by white eugenicists concerned that this mutual antipathy would reduce the white birthrate and emphasized harmonious marriages and reproduction as a tool to maintain white supremacy.

Ward shows that misogyny, or men’s hatred of women, was an accepted fact of heterosexual relationships when the American self-help movement began in the early 20th century. The physicians, sexologists, and psychologists who were considered experts on heterosexual courtship and marriage took for granted that men’s first impulse toward women was disdain and even violence, and that husbands found their wives’ ideas, conversation, and emotional and sexual needs to be unimportant and irritating.

Though some of the language has changed over time, and some feminist ideas have crept in,  Ward finds the same ideas repeated in contemporary, wildly successful self-help books such as John Gray’s “Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus” and in an array of self-improvement seminars.

In the popular consciousness, women and men are assumed to have totally different interests, personalities, and sex drives, making them inherently incompatible. Heterosexual relationships, thus, become a battleground where partners get what they want from each other through coercion and manipulation.

“Self-help books for straight couples in the 1980s and ’90s doubled down on the idea that the gap between women and men was innate and therefore unavoidable. The best men and women could do was learn a few tricks — or ‘skills’ — to get what they wanted from the opposite sex while minimizing conflict,” Ward said. “This same approach still persists today, as self-help books, webinars, dating coaches, marriage therapists, and a whole slew of what I call ‘hetero repair’ professionals teach straight couples to work around gender inequality, rather than undo it.”

But queer people have escaped this prison, Ward says, showing what straight people have to learn from queer relationships. This does not necessarily mean embracing common queer practices such as nonmonogamy, kink, or chosen families. It means straight people can learn to desire, objectify, satisfy, and respect their partners all at the same time, as well as have hot sex and equitable relationships in the way that most queer couples strive to do. 

Men, Ward shows, have the most work to do in this regard.

“Psychologists have been arguing that men and women are fundamentally different, with different emotional and sexual interests, since the inception of the discipline of psychology. This approach, and the way it has been tethered to heterosexual romance, has gotten us nowhere,” Ward said. “It is possible to shift gears and imagine what it would be like if men thought of themselves not just as ‘sexually attracted’ to women, but powerfully oriented toward all women’s well-being and liberation. This will not only be good for straight women, but also tremendously healing for men.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 things about female orgasms researchers actually study

Cardi B’s song WAP and the Netflix show Sex Education place female orgasms on centre stage in popular culture.

By

But female orgasms are also the subject of serious academic research.

Here’s a snapshot of what research tells us about female orgasms, what we don’t know, and what researchers want to find out.

1. When women orgasm, what actually happens?

When women orgasm, their pelvic floor muscles contract rhythmically and involuntarily. These contractions are thought to help move blood out of erect tissues of the clitoris and vulva, allowing them to return to their usual flaccid (floppy) state.

During sexual arousal and orgasm, women’s heart rate, respiration rate and blood pressure also rise.

Levels of oxytocin, known as the “love hormone”, increase during sexual arousal and are thought to peak during orgasm.

The areas of the brain associated with dopamine, the “happy hormone”, are activated in men and women.

And in women, other areas of the brain are activated further during sexual arousal and peak with orgasm. These include those associated with emotions, the integration of sensory information and emotions, higher-level thinking, and motor areas associated with pelvic floor muscles.

The “right angular gyrus” part of the brain may also be linked with an altered state of consciousness some women say they experience when they orgasm.

What is trickier to determine is how the body and brain relate. We know the frequency and intensity of female orgasms depends on a range of complex psychosocial factors, including a woman’s sexual desires, self-esteem, openness of sexual communication with their partner, and general mental health.

2. Not all women orgasm. Is that a problem?

Orgasms are not a big deal for all women, and that’s completely normal.

And 21% of Australian women aged 20-64 say they cannot climax. From a simplistic biological viewpoint, anorgasmia (the inability to orgasm despite adequate sexual stimulation) is also not a problem. However, women with anorgasmia often report shame, inadequacy, anxiety, distress and detachment surrounding intercourse and orgasm.

These negative emotions might be related to the long history of suppression, and now celebration, of women’s sexual pleasure.

For many women, orgasms represent empowerment. Understandably, then, anorgasmia can leave women feeling as though there is something wrong with them. Some might fake orgasm, which around two-thirds report doing. This is usually to make them feel better about themselves, or to make their partners feel better.

 
Many women say they fake their orgasms, as portrayed in the classic movie When Harry Met Sally.

More than 80% of women won’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. So if anorgasmia is a problem, trying different types of stimulation might help, particularly clitoral stimulation.

When anorgasmia leads to negative feelings or gets in the way of forming or sustaining healthy sexual relationships, it becomes a problem. But certain websites, “sextech” (technology that aims to enhance female sexual experiences), and dedicated health professionals can help.

3. Can you over-orgasm?

No! While a survey run by an online dating site suggests 77% of women have had multiple orgasms, academic research suggests the figure is much lower, at around 14%.

Some women who have multiple orgasms report their second orgasm as the strongest, but ones after that become less intense.

Just make sure you have enough lubrication to last the distance, as prolonged stimulation without sufficient lubrication can lead to pain.

Around 50% of women in one study said they use vibrators to reach orgasm (or multiple orgasms). Some people say vibrators can decrease the sensitivity of the clitoris, making it harder for women to orgasm through clitoral stimulation that doesn’t involve vibration. However, most research finds any desensitisation is mild and transitory.

4. What use is it anyway?

Evolutionists tend to take three views on why the female orgasm has evolved: to increase the success of reproduction; to enhance pair-bonding between women and their sexual partner; or the one I consider the most likely, is that women’s orgasms do not serve any evolutionary purpose at all. They are simply a by-product of evolution, existing because the male and female genitals develop in a similar way as embryos, and only begin to differentiate at about six weeks’ gestation.

Just because women’s orgasms do not serve an evolutionary purpose, that doesn’t mean they aren’t important. Women’s orgasms are important because for many women, they contribute to healthy relationships and their sexual well-being.

What’s left to find out?

For a long time, we’ve assumed details about the female orgasm based on its male counterpart. And it’s only since 2011 that we’ve been able to map what happens in women’s brains during sexual stimulation. So there’s plenty about the female brain during orgasm we haven’t yet explored.

We’ve only recently learned about the true size and function of the clitoris. We’re also still debating whether the G-spot exists.

Women’s sexuality, desires, likes and dislikes are also incredibly varied. And in this article, we’ve only talked about, and included research with, cis-gendered females, people whose gender identity and expression matches the sex they were assigned at birth.

So we also need more research with gender-diverse people to better understand the complexity and diversity of orgasm and sexuality.

Whether science can explain all these differences in the complexity of the human being remains to be seen.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Humans have used drugs with sex for millennia

– the reasons are much broader than you think

By &

On their own, sex and drugs are cultural taboos. Combining them only adds to our reluctance to talk about them. But understanding how sex and drugs are connected isn’t something we should shy away from or perceive as deviant.

Humans have intentionally used drugs to facilitate and enhance their sexual experiences for millennia. Ancient Egyptians used extracts from the blue lotus flower to increase sexual desire. More recently, in the 1960s, psychedelic advocate Timothy Leary stated: “LSD is the most powerful aphrodisiac ever discovered by man”.

Despite this long history, our understanding of the relationship between sex and drugs remains limited. Researchers have traditionally had a tendency to focus on associations between drug use and “risky” sexual behaviour, such as lack of condom use or having multiple sexual partners.

Studies have also highlighted links between drug use and “impaired” sexual function, such as difficulties in maintaining an erection or achieving an orgasm. This leaves us with a picture of sex on drugs that is disproportionately focused on the negatives.

Beyond chemsex

More recently research exploring the relationship between sex and drugs has focused on “chemsex”. Chemsex usually refers to men who have sex with other men using drugs like methamphetamine or mephedrone to enhance and prolong their sexual experience.

While this is important, it doesn’t capture the experiences of people who have different gender and sexual identities. Harm reduction campaigns about combining sex and drugs is targeted at gay and bisexual men, meaning that other groups who engage in this activity are unlikely to take such information on board.

Because of the emphasis on chemsex, we know little about women’s experiences of sex on drugs and what enhancement might look and feel like in these contexts. Since the FDA approval of Viagra for treating erectile dysfunction in the 1990s, there have been calls for the development of a female counterpart. But what medical condition such a drug might “treat” for people with vaginas is unclear.

Sex and sexuality

Our restricted view of the relationship between sex and drugs is beginning to be corrected as new research emerges attending to pleasure and benefit.

One recent study reveals a diverse group of people across a range of sexual and gender identities who use drugs to enhance sex, with equally diverse motivations and experiences. For some it was about improving emotional connection, while for others desire was heightened or bodily sensations were increased. Some also found that sex enhanced the experience of drugs as well as drugs enhancing the sexual experience. The study demonstrates the limitations of thinking about sexual enhancement in purely physical terms by highlighting the ways that drugs can enhance emotional aspects of sex.

Another study explores how LGBTQ people use drugs to transform and enhance their experiences of gender, often in relation to sex. Drugs allowed them to express their gender and sexual identities in different ways and challenge traditional binaries. For many of the participants drugs provided the opportunity to play and experiment with gender, with some gay men describing the liberation and social bonding of putting on drag while using drugs.

The drugs we use with sex

The drugs that people combine with sex tend to reflect wider substance consumption patterns. Using data from the Global Drug Survey, a 2019 study found that the three most commonly used drugs with sex were alcohol, cannabis and MDMA respectively. This was true for participants across gender and sexual identity categories. The study also found that while the use of “chemsex drugs” (methamphetamine, mephedrone and GHB/GBL) with sex was highest among gay and bisexual men, other groups also report having sex on these drugs.

Alcohol is the drug that most people will be familiar with and some may have intentionally used it to relax prior to sex. For the most part, alcohol is used to facilitate sex whereas drugs are used to enhance the experience. However some will use combinations of drugs rather than sole use of a substance.

Alcohol and cocaine are used in combination – as cocaine is a stimulant, it offsets the depressive effect of alcohol. Cocaine, like other stimulants such as methamphetamine, is used to prolong the sexual experience.

Illicit or recreational drugs aren’t the only ones used for sex, some medications are too. The pain killer Tramadol is known to be effective in overcoming premature ejaculation in men, although some use this drug without a prescription or medical supervision.

Understanding the benefits of using drugs to enhance sexual experiences is an important topic of research in its own right, albeit a neglected one up to now.

But further knowledge of pleasure and how it works could help us to understand the sex-related problems people experience too. It would be a shame if our cultural shyness about sex and drugs prevented us from improving an aspect of life we all have the right to experience.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Contraception, consent, kinks – welcome to the sex-ed you wish you’d had in school

Your questions answered by sex-positive pros.

By Ali Pantony

For most millennials, the words ‘sex education’ probably conjure up images of clinical vulva diagrams, scaremongering STI leaflets, entirely heteronormative textbooks and absolutely tons of bananas encased in condoms.

Basically, you know that bit in Mean Girls when the PE teacher tells the class that if they have sex they’ll get pregnant and die? Yeah, it was a bit like that.

So really, it’s no wonder that the subject of sexual health can still leave us feeling confused, anxious, disillusioned and like we’re the only person on the planet thinking or feeling the way we do. But sex education should never be harmful, isolating or shameful. In fact, it should be the exact opposite; it should be inclusive, educational and celebratory. Oh, and fun. Because guys, breaking news: sex should be FUN.

That’s why we wanted to create a safe space for shame-free sex chat – an event demystifying our sexual wellbeing, where everyone’s questions are welcome and valid and answered with total clarity. And no bananas in sight.

So we teamed up with the best (s)experts in the bizz to host an evening on all things re-sex education. As part of our GLAMOUR x Boots Virtual Wellness Festival, the event was presented by activist and co-founder of the feminist group ‘The Pink Protest’, Grace Campbell, who spoke to a whole host of sex-positive pros from the sexual wellness industry.

There was Farah Kabir and Sarah Welsh, founders of sexual wellness brand HANX; Billie Quinlan, co-founder of the Ferly app all about mindful sex and sexual self-care; and Alice Pelton, founder of The Lowdown.

Over the course of the evening, they answered your questions on everything from methods of contraception and orgasm-pressure to STIs, porn and kink-consent. Absolutely no topic was off limits.

Here are the questions on sexual wellbeing covered in the event, answered by the people in the know…

Q: What is sexual wellness?

A: “Your sexual wellness is such a holistic thing and it encompasses so many parts of your overall wellbeing; it includes your physical, emotional psychological health,” explains Sarah. “There’s so many things that make up your sexual wellness – relationships, consent, pleasure – but normally we only think it means topics like sexual health and STIs; it has quite a negative connotation, but actually, sex is fun and great and we should celebrate it.”

Billie also adds that, until recently, female pleasure hadn’t been part of the conversation on sexual wellness and that is, finally, starting to change. “Our sex education hasn’t been around pleasure or masturbation, it’s mostly been around reproduction, and that’s mad because we have sex for pleasure more than we have sex to make a baby! And masturbation is a crucial part of understanding ourselves, connecting with our bodies and becoming self-aware, but we don’t encourage our young women to do that. Yes, we’re starting to talk about it more and it can feel like we’ve made a lot of progress, but there’s still so much work to do and many people who still feel uncomfortable talking about this.

“But the good news is that RSE – which is our relationships and sex education system in the UK – has now introduced pleasure into the curriculum, which is incredible.”

Q: Why is there such a need to open up the conversation on contraception?

A: Everyone reacts differently to different types of contraception, and while many women can use the Pill (and its many different varieties) with no problems, this wasn’t the case for Alice. “I really didn’t get on with the hormones,” she explains. “I just basically would cry all the time about stupid things – but then I came off the Pill and stopped crying the whole time, and realised it must’ve been the Pill.

“So I’m just very pro women understanding all about contraception; the good, the bad and also experimenting with different types, because most women use it for 30 years, so it’s important you make sure what you’re using is right for you and works for you.”

Q: Is it true the vagina gets drier with age, and is there a way to increase wetness without lube?

A: “From a medical point of view, there’s loads of things that can cause vaginal dryness,” says Sarah. “So if you’re worried about anything, or things have changed in a way that’s abnormal for you, then best to get it checked out. Naturally, hormones have an influence on our vaginal secretions, so if you’re taking any sort of hormonal therapy or if you’re post-menopausal after your periods have stopped, then yes, that’s why we associate vaginal dryness with the menopause in your 50s and 60s. But actually, there’s so many things that can have an impact on natural lubrication – if you’re stressed, for example – and it doesn’t mean you’re not aroused.

All experts agree that there’s a massive stigma around using lube, but that there really shouldn’t be. “Everyone should use lube, but there’s still so many taboos around it,” says Sarah.

“For me personally, when I started lube it completely changed my life – in sex and in masturbation – so why don’t we talk about it?” adds Grace. “There is nothing to be ashamed of, lube is the best!”

Q: Is it OK to ask your new partner if they’ve been tested for STIs, and if they haven’t, can you ask them to get tested before sleeping with them?

A: “Absolutely, yes, yes, yes, yes!” says Grace. “Although, some men will often shame you for even asking that, and then make you feel worse for asking that question even though you’re just looking after your sexual health.”

“Don’t feel embarrassed; it’s your health at the end of the day, and that should come first,” says Sarah. “If they don’t respect that, then they obviously don’t respect you and they’re not worth it.”

“Plus, it’s so easy to get checked now, you can get tests sent to you in the post,” adds Farah. “Especially in the Covid-19 world, you can get it delivered to your door and you can both get tested and have a testing party! There are so many ways to do it without it being awkward.”

Billie also makes a great point: “If a man pressurises you to remove a condom and you don’t feel comfortable with that because you’re not sure if they’ve been tested, it is also absolutely OK to say ‘no’ and stop sex.”

Q: I recently discovered that I have anorgasmia (a person who can’t achieve orgasm). I’m in my late 20s. I’ve spoken to my doctor and they recommended a sexual health clinic which I’ve been avoiding because of Covid-19. Any advice?

A: “Firstly, anorgasmia is a recognised thing affecting a lot of people, so know that you’re not alone,” says Sarah. “There is a lot of support and resources out there. I think talking to someone would be a good start. So if you’re not wanting to go to a sexual health clinic [though be aware that it is safe to do so as they have safety measures in place], we’ve worked with Kate Moyle who is a psychosexual therapist. She’s incredible and she’ll be able to point you in the right direction, so I’d check her out as a starter. But it’s definitely treatable and definitely manageable.”

Kate Moyle is actually Ferly’s leading psychosexual therapist and advisor, says Billie. “The Ferly app is like a psychosexual therapy tool if you can’t afford to go and see a therapist or that option is inaccessible for you. It guides you on a journey to explore your sexuality and overcome those very common sexual difficulties, so give that a go.”

Billie also adds that removing the pressure of orgasm can make sex far more pleasurable. “We put a lot of pressure on orgasm as a society, we always think the end goal is orgasm,” she says. “And yes, it would be great if we could all achieve that, but we can also experience pleasure in so many other ways, and removing the pressure of reaching climax can actually help us eventually get there.”

Q: Do you think the rise in BDSM [bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism] acts during sex has been caused by porn? There seems to be a lack of proper consent when guys want to try more kinky things in the bedroom it seems to be becoming more common.

A: “I definitely think there is a correlation,” says Grace. “Choking, for me, was very common when I started having sex, and I didn’t feel there was any conversation of consent around that. I felt it was because people had been watching a certain type of porn so they thought that was really normal. But we do need to ask for consent, and we need to have a bigger conversation around consent with BDSM and different types of kinks.”

Billie agrees: “For those who enjoy BDSM, consent is actually a foundational pillar of the BDSM practice. Porn is a big source of where we’re getting our information from and it’s normalising more extreme, risky sexual behaviour without giving an understanding of how to do it safely. So it’s about having a conversation about what sexual acts you’re both into, what you’d like to explore together, otherwise you’re well within your rights to pull back and reinstate your boundaries. It doesn’t make you a prude, it doesn’t make you less sexual, you’re just finding out what your boundaries are and having a consensual experience.”

Q: What’s the best platform to get good, more ethical porn?

A: “Make Love Not Porn is a social sex site where you can watch real sex from real people,” says Billie. “At Ferly we also do audio erotica, if you’re looking for something less visual and more audio to stimulate you. Erika Lust does feminist visual porn as well which you can pay a subscription for, though there is some controversy around that so just explore it properly to see if it’s right for you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Healing Benefits Of BDSM

“Kink Helped My Mental Health.”

By Yasmin Lajoie

Two years ago, 38-year-old Alice* suddenly went profoundly deaf. She lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her and the relentless tinnitus she experienced led her to have suicidal thoughts. “Before I went deaf, I was stable,” she tells me. “I had trauma but I could live with it. With the tinnitus, I wanted to die. It felt like the only option. My mother died by suicide so it felt very familiar. I came so close.”

In order to distract herself from this emotional and physical agony, Alice joined a dating app. It was there that she met a man with whom she started practising BDSM, which she credits with getting her mental health back on track. BDSM – which stands for bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, sadism-masochism – involves enacting scenarios, often in a sexual setting, where there is a power imbalance, generally between a dominant individual (a dom) and a submissive individual (a sub).

The world of BDSM is broad and incredibly diverse, encompassing everything from the use of a blindfold during sex to forms of consensual torture. It’s difficult to define and the concept is marred by misinformation perpetuated by pornography and the media (and Fifty Shades of Grey).

People with an interest in BDSM used to be considered dangerous. The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, described sadomasochism as the “most significant of all perversions” and Wilhelm Stekel, one of Freud’s earliest followers, went even further: he linked it to cannibalism, criminality, vampirism and mass murder. Until the 2013 version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) – a definitive text on mental illnesses and their treatment – anyone who experienced arousal by atypical stimuli, such as feet or cross-dressing, was classified as clinically disordered, even if the fetish caused no distress or harm.

Despite this, recent research suggests that BDSM does not indicate a disordered mind and that its practitioners have relatively good mental health: they’re less neurotic, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection and more open-minded. In 2013, a study also found that they report being generally happier than the general population. So does BDSM attract people who are naturally more well-adjusted or does BDSM improve the lives of those who practise it? Does it have the potential to heal those of us who are suffering because of our mental health?

In 2008, a paper was published which said that for most people, practising BDSM could accurately be thought of as a hobby, making it sound as wholesome as knitting or Zumba – just an innocent way to pass the time. However, when I ask around and speak to women on the kink scene, I find that they consider it to be a far more fundamental component of both their identity and their wellbeing.

Dr Gloria Brame is a clinical sexologist, sex therapist and author. “For some people BDSM is a hobby. I think it’s a weird hobby, but okay,” she tells me. “For me, BDSM is a legitimate sexual identity, like being gay. It isn’t about the spanking and the whipping and the chains. I would be a kinky person without any of that. I’d still want to be in charge. It’s who I am.”

“It helps me so much,” Alice explains. “BDSM forces me to question my role as a disabled woman, to question the expectations I have for myself and the expectations society has for me. Vulnerability is not a weakness. I understand that now. I feel empowered through vulnerability.”

For some people BDSM is a hobby. For me, BDSM is a legitimate sexual identity, like being gay. It isn’t about the spanking and the whipping and the chains. I would be a kinky person without any of that. I’d still want to be in charge. It’s who I am. — Dr Gloria Brame

Eevi* is a 24-year-old woman who talks enthusiastically and expressively about BDSM, despite describing herself as a newbie. “I’ve always been a high energy, nervous person. I got into a lot of trouble at school, for not being able to focus, for lashing out. I had anger management issues and was diagnosed with ADHD,” she tells me. “As a teenager, I spiralled, I developed anorexia. Looking back, I think it was a way for me to reclaim control. BDSM is a way for me to reclaim that control in a healthier way. It allows me the possibility of healing from bad experiences, including the rape I endured when I was 18. I’ve known I was sexually submissive from a young age but after I was raped, it took on a deeper meaning.”

“Of course, BDSM is just one of the ways I look after my mental health,” Eevi adds. “I don’t think it should be the only form of self-care, or considered as a replacement to therapy, but it definitely offers a lot of potential to process issues in a constructive way.”

Lucy*, 36, is a psychology student whose own mental health journey has been tumultuous to say the least. In her early 20s she suffered with bad anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. “I stopped eating and started to waste away,” she explains. “I became addicted to [the benzodiazepine] lorazepam. Everything was just completely fucked up. I had to go into an addiction centre. After I was discharged, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.”

BDSM has always been something she wanted to explore but it was only last year, before the coronavirus pandemic, that she started attending kink events. “In the beginning I would look at people getting whipped and think, Oh my God, why would anyone want that? It looks so painful,” she says, “but then I tried it and I realised that there’s this cathartic element to it. If you’re taking beatings, you’re taking lots of pain…that can be empowering. Afterwards you feel like, Fuck, I’m really strong! It’s like you get your demons beaten out of you. I haven’t had it in a while because of lockdown, and I’m craving it. It’s very strange, it’s like I need it.”

Thirty-six-year-old Charlotte has been part of the kink community since 2015. Reflecting on her time in it and her preconceptions prior to joining, she says: “When I started out, my perception of BDSM was very wrong. I thought it was just a way for women to be used and abused by men. But really, it’s a way for me to communicate what I want and what I like and what I need. I’ve had depression and anxiety for most of my adult life but recently my mental health has been much better and BDSM is one of my coping strategies.”

Charlotte says that BDSM is both “a lot of fun” and that it “makes sex better”. More than that, she says it allows her to escape from her head. “I self-harmed as a teenager,” she explains. “I’m a masochist; I enjoy the pain. BDSM has provided me with a safe space to experience that. It’s no longer self-flagellation. I’m not punishing myself because I don’t like myself.”

For a self-described “overthinker” like Charlotte, being in a space where someone else takes over feels “absolutely magical”.

“I’m constantly worrying about my blood sugar as I have type 1 diabetes,” she says, “but during BDSM sessions, my dom will scan my glucose monitor for me. I don’t have to worry about it. I can stop being vigilant. I can relax. It resets my brain.”

While conducting interviews with these women via video chat, I was struck by how much eye contact they made. We were talking about some of the most intimate aspects of their lives. I was expecting discomfort, maybe even embarrassment. But the women looked me dead in the eye – unflinching, strong, unashamed. It was, frankly, nothing short of inspiring.

“BDSM changed my life,” Gloria says as she smiles and takes a long drag of her cigarette. “I feel like it has been transformational psychologically and emotionally. It radically changed my perspective, my ability to trust people. I used to have secrets I could never tell anyone, shame about my body. I was pounded down by patriarchal society. BDSM is incredibly empowering. My whole life I wanted to do these things that I thought were forbidden. Why would some guy let me boss him around, tie him up, put clamps on his nipples, you know?”

While Gloria is a dominatrix and Alice is a switch (someone who enjoys performing both dominant and submissive roles), Eevi, Lucy and Charlotte all have very submissive tendencies and often engage in BDSM play with male doms. I asked them if they identified as feminists (they all did) and suggested that by letting men hurt them, they could inadvertently be reinforcing sexist and patriarchal norms. As the standard, hackneyed and reductive critique of BDSM goes: It’s men beating the shit out of women, like they have been doing since the beginning of time…

“But you’re exposing the structural inequality,” Eevi explains without hesitating in response to my question. She’s obviously considered this perspective before. “By playing with power dynamics, you’re forced to think about them and communicate about them and it makes you more critical. There are lots of people in vanilla relationships that are very traditional and heteronormative and they avoid thinking about these issues but in a BDSM relationship you have to think about them.”

I’m forced to agree with her. “I think BDSM aligns beautifully with feminism,” says Charlotte in response to the same point. “As a sub, I set the limits. I am in control. I have the power.”

BDSM forces me to question my role as a disabled woman, to question the expectations I have for myself and the expectations society has for me. Vulnerability is not a weakness. I understand that now. I feel empowered through vulnerability. — Alice*

“It’s a big question early on in a submissive woman’s journey; surrendering power to a man can feel patriarchal,” Gloria muses. “On the other hand, that’s what gets you off. There’s something to be said for finding someone who will give you the best orgasms of your life.”

As Charlotte describes to me in detail what she might be (consensually) subjected to during a session, it occurs to me that it is counterintuitive to seek out humiliation, degradation and pain for pleasure. But studies show that physical pain can actually have a profound effect on us. Dr Brad Sagarin, founder of the Science of BDSM research team and a professor of social and evolutionary psychology at Northern Illinois University, has compared the pain experienced to ‘runner’s high’ – the sense of euphoria and increased tolerance for pain that some joggers feel after a long run.

For those participating in BDSM, the pain shrinks the world to the immediate present. Anything beyond the here and now feels irrelevant, even ceases to exist. The stresses of everyday life melt away. And that, for anyone with mental health struggles, is where the relief comes. “BDSM forces you to stay in the present,” Gloria says. “That in itself, even if it’s just for a few hours, is amazingly rehabilitative.”

Sex therapist Kandice van Beerschoten explains further: “There’s good pain and bad pain. Within any sadomasochistic relationship, the masochist has a say in what’s being done to them. It’s going to be controlled, and they’ll have a safe word that they can use if they are no longer enjoying the experience.”

Zayna Ratty is a hypno-psychotherapist, activist and podcaster whose own experiences also support the idea that BDSM can be healing. “BDSM can be used to recover from trauma. Lots of people think you’re re-enacting the trauma, when in fact you’re re-scripting it. The survivor has the power in that negotiation. It’s a powerful tool.”

All this sounds great. So what are the risks?

“There are people who don’t take themselves seriously, who don’t take discrimination seriously, who don’t take consent seriously,” warns Zayna. “If you’re playing with people like that, or with someone who isn’t very experienced, there is a potential for harm.”

“There are serious medical risks too,” points out Kandice. “For example, if you choke someone and you don’t know how to do that, that person could die.” Consent, as ever, is key.

As well as engaging in one-on-one play, many people enjoy the sense of community provided by kink events and the parts of the internet devoted to it. Gloria ran the first online BDSM support group on CompuServe (the first major online service provider) in 1987 and still organises community events. She understands the importance of collective engagement. I ask how her community is coping in corona times. “We miss seeing all our friends, going to classes, playing with new people. We’re on Zoom a lot. A lot of places have had to close down but we are a strong and powerful community; we’ll survive.”

Before COVID-19 hit, London was experiencing something of a kinky renaissance, with events such as Klub Verboten and Crossbreed attracting a younger crowd than might typically be associated with the scene.

Alex Warren runs Crossbreed, the club night and record label. As well as hosting sex-positive raves, Crossbreed has also hosted talks on racism and intersectionality. “The kink community as a whole is quite a caring place,” Alex tells me. “There’s lots of danger hidden within that of course but in general it’s well structured, supportive, nonjudgmental and welcoming.”

I wonder what the consequences of the COVID lockdown might be for kinky people. Neither Klub Verboten nor Crossbreed has received any relief from the government. Even if they do recover financially, will individuals who rely on BDSM as a strategy to cope with stress be able to survive the temporary drought?

“When you’re displaced from your community, that causes isolation, that causes psychological distress,” says Zayna. “We have these feelings of grief. We’re experiencing mass loss. If you’re neurodivergent especially, it’s possible that you might get stuck in complicated grief and find it difficult to navigate through.”

“I really miss the events. At every one I’ve been to, everybody has been really respectful,” says Lucy. “It’s easier to be abusive online. You get some really dark messages on dating apps and [kinky social media website] Fetlife. Men message you talking about rape, saying they hate women, describing all the horrible things they want to do to you. I end up blocking a lot of them.”

I ask Eevi about the scene’s dark side. Has anything untoward ever happened to her? “Once I was having sex with a man and he ripped my panties without asking. I wouldn’t normally mind but they were pretty expensive. That’s like the worst thing that’s happened to me at an event, that I can think of.” Despite that grim encounter, Eevi has no regrets. She sighs nostalgically. “I felt so free at Klub Verboten. It was amazing.”

The benefits of BDSM definitely seem to outweigh the downsides, especially for people like Alice.

“I’m healing,” Alice tells me. “I’m finding energy through BDSM and using that energy to replenish myself.”

*Names have been changed to protect identities

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cisgender vs. Straight

— It’s Not Always One and the Same

by Alysse Dalessandro Santiago

If you aren’t familiar with the many terms used to describe members of LGBTQIA+ communities, they may seem like a big ol’ bowl of alphabet soup. But there’s a good reason for all those terms: People are unique, and varying gender identities and sexual orientations can make it hard to fit into a two-gender box.

But what about other terms, like “cisgender,” that often (but not always) exist outside the LGBTQIA+ community? Are you automatically straight if you’re cisgender?

Let us explain cisgender vs. straight.

A cisgender, or “cis,” person identifies as the gender they were assigned at birth. So a cisgender person’s sex on their original birth certificate matches their current gender identity.

You might also see terms like “assigned male at birth” (AMAB) or “assigned female at birth” (AFAB) used to describe someone’s birth gender.

If a person’s gender identity doesn’t match the gender they were assigned at birth, they may identify as transgender or nonbinary.

Are you always male or female at birth?

In the United States, there’s a legal movement for a more inclusive approach to gender. Currently, 13 states allow you to change your birth certificate to say “male,” “female,” or the gender-neutral option “X.”

Identifying as straight is pretty, er, straightforward. Having a sexual orientation of straight means that someone’s attraction, either sexual or romantic, is to a gender other than their own.

This definition is deeply ingrained in societal norms. A straight relationship is typically between a person who identifies as a man and a person who identifies as a woman.

“Cisgender” is a gender identity. Gender identity describes how a person identifies themself, such as man, woman, nonbinary, or another identity they prefer. So if someone who was assigned male at birth identifies as a man, he’d be a cisgender male.

“Straight” is a sexual orientation, which describes one’s attraction to other people. Someone is straight if they identify as one gender and are attracted to the “opposite” gender.

A straight relationship is typically seen as involving a cisgender male and a cisgender female. But people whose gender differs from the one they were assigned at birth can still be straight if they’re attracted to a different gender.

When Murray in “Clueless” refers to Dionne as “woman,” that’s her gender. But calling her “female,” well, that would be her sex. What’s the difference? It’s not a simple answer.

Gender is typically influenced by society, not biology, and is responsible for the association of certain traits, language, behavior, and characteristics with being a man or a woman. But gender can be more complex and nuanced than the binary terms.

A person’s gender is often conflated with their sex. Sex is traditionally designated by doctors based on a person’s genitalia at birth. But gender identity is a more expansive view that goes beyond your sex. For example, a trans man could have female genitalia but identify as a man, not a woman.

Bottom line: Your sex (based on genitalia) doesn’t have to “match” your gender (how you identify). Your gender identity isn’t stuck in the construct of your sex.

What about intersex?

The term “intersex” refers to someone’s biological sex not fitting into the binary of male or female. But this term doesn’t dictate gender.

When a person is born intersex, their genitalia, sex organs, hormones, or chromosomes have both female- and male-identifying characteristics. This means an intersex person can have both a uterus and testicles, but they could identify as a man, a woman, nonbinary, etc.

This is also known as a person having a difference in sex development (DSD). It occurs naturally, although some characteristics don’t develop until later in life. Research suggests that about 1 in 100 people are born with DSDs.

As with most things related to gender, it’s not as simple as a person being either cisgender or transgender.

To be either cisgender or transgender still relies on the gender binary of male or female as the framework. Have a penis and identify as a man? Cisgender. Assigned male at birth but identify as a woman? Transgender.

Other gender identities or expressions that don’t always fit into the category of cisgender or transgender include:

  • Nonbinary. Some folks don’t identify as either a man or a woman, while others identify as both. “Nonbinary” is often used as an umbrella term for people whose gender identities exist outside the binary of man and woman.
  • Gender-fluid. A person can also identify as gender-fluid, which means their gender identity is not fixed — instead, they move between identities. One moment “man” fits, and another “woman” feels best.
  • Gender nonconforming. This means someone’s gender expression doesn’t match the gender they were assigned at birth. But people who identify as gender nonconforming may also identify as cisgender.

These are just a few examples. There are more than 64 terms that can describe a person’s gender identity or expression.

The deal with gender identify

Gender identity is up to each individual to decide. And someone’s gender identity may not match their gender expression. For example, someone may identify as a woman, but their appearance may be masculine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does Sexual Coercion Look Like?

by Crystal Raypole

Sexual trauma can happen in many ways, and it doesn’t always involve physical force. Sexual coercion, for example, happens when someone pressures or manipulates you into having sexual contact when you don’t want to.

Sexual coercion can be confusing and deeply distressing. You know what happened wasn’t right, but you might not fully understand how or why. You might even believe they couldn’t have assaulted you since you said “yes” in the end.

Here’s one important thing to know, though: True consent is given voluntarily.

If you only consent because you want the other person to stop pressuring or threatening you, you didn’t really consent.

Coercion describes any attempt to control your behavior with threats or manipulation.

Sexual coercion, then, happens when someone won’t accept “no” and continues to try to convince you to change your mind about engaging in sexual activity.

In this article, we’re using “sex” as shorthand to describe any and all forms of sexual contact or activity. There is no one definition of sex, and what’s considered to be sex varies from person to person.

For example, this might include:

  • kissing, licking, or sucking
  • touching, rubbing, or grinding
  • fingering or stroking
  • cunnilingus or fellatio
  • vaginal or anal penetration

Once you turn down sex, the story should stop there. But this doesn’t always happen.

Sometimes, coercion is pretty blatant. For example: “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll tell everyone we’ve been having an affair.”

Other times, it might take a more subtle form. For example: “Here, why don’t you have a glass of wine and get out of those work clothes, and we’ll just see what happens.”

Common coercion tactics include:

Coercion typically remains in the realm of verbal and emotional pressure. That said, it isn’t uncommonTrusted Source to give in to coercion if you’re afraid the manipulation and pressure will escalate to physical aggression and violence.

Sexual coercion often happens in romantic relationships, but it can also happen in other contexts — between acquaintances, co-workers, friends or family, at school, at a party, or anywhere else.

If you don’t really want to have sex but agree because you feel obligated or don’t want the other person to get mad, you aren’t consenting voluntarily.

Coercion happens when someone wants you to consent when you’ve already said no or otherwise expressed disinterest. They might use threats, persuasion, and other tactics to get the outcome they want.

When alcohol is involved

Most people can still consent after moderate drinking, but you can’t consent if drugs or alcohol have impaired your ability to make decisions.

Say you’re on a date. You’ve had a couple of drinks, and the alcohol has given you a pleasant buzz, but you don’t feel drunk. What you do feel is great chemistry with your date. From the way they’re looking at you, they feel the same thing.

“Want to head back to my place?” They ask.

“Definitely,” you reply.

As long as neither of you are incapacitated, you can still consent.

When someone keeps offering you drinks with the goal of getting you to agree to sex when drunk, that’s coercion.

In a relationship

Being in a relationship does not mean you give ongoing consent.

Everyone has the right to decide when they do and don’t want to have sex. Once you say no, your partner should respect that. Any threats, wheedles, guilt trips, or other persuasion intended to wear you down counts as coercion.

With that in mind, you might wonder if it’s coercion when a partner tells you how sexy you look in that outfit or gives you a sensual massage to try and get you in the mood.

Typically, the difference comes down to a few key factors:

  • their intent
  • whether you’ve already said no
  • how they respond to your refusal

Let’s say you tell them, “I’m not feeling it tonight.”

They reply, “That’s OK. I’m happy just massaging you, unless you want me to stop.”

This gives you the choice to continue the current level of intimacy with no pressure for more.

If, a little later on, you decide you actually do feel like sex, this isn’t coercion — as long as the decision really does come from you.

It would, however, be coercive if they insist they want to help you relax, but then ask repeatedly, “Are you sure you aren’t feeling a little sexier after all this massaging?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How body image insecurities affect men

It’s a common misconception that body image issues only affect women.

By Marcos Benhamu

When Oliver* and his wife opened their 20-year marriage in 2017, a few things had changed since he was last on the dating scene.

“I am older, I am a bit tubby around the edges. I can look back at my old pictures and think, ‘Oh my God! I used to be so pretty!'” the 44-year-old from Melbourne says.

Like other men his age, Oliver says he’s dealing with body changes familiar to his cohort: growing soft in the middle.

But despite a few heartbreaks, he feels more self-assured in dating now than he did two decades ago.

“When I used to look like that, I wasn’t any good at [dating] anyway and I am much more confident in myself now.”

Although Oliver’s learned to live comfortably with his insecurities, body image issues continue to trouble many men who try to attain idealised, Adonis-like physiques in search of self-worth.

It can also affect men’s sexual experience in negative ways and create vicious cycles of insecurities.

The ‘ideal’ body shape for men

For Dominic*, a graphic designer in his 50s, regularly training at the gym doesn’t always make him feel better about his body.

He says he hates compliments about his appearance; they remind him that people are in fact judging him. These insecurities affect his sexual experience.

The burden of body dissatisfaction is still born mostly by women, but a growing trend among men warrants attention.

A study of 3,000 Australian adults showed eating disorder behaviours — including purging and extreme dieting — increased more rapidly among men than women between 1998 and 2008.

According to another large-scale study from Sydney University, men are more likely to experience mental health problems stemming from body dissatisfaction.

This can lead to the use of steroids, according to clinical psychologist Gemma Sharp heads the body image research group at Monash University.

“Just like with women, there’s an appearance ideal for men as well … the broad shoulders, muscular physique, no ‘man boobs’, larger penis,” Dr Sharp says.

Body image and sex

Expectations around sustaining sexual performance can make sex a source of stress rather than pleasure.

As it is, sex is a vulnerable space; we perform naked with our flaws on full display.

A baseline of insecurity can set us up for emotional pain, making it harder to enjoy future sexual encounters.

For Oliver, the lack of closure from being ghosted by dates reinforced his self-doubts.

“When you don’t have any other information to go on, it’s just like, ‘Well, must be my physique’,” he says.

According to Andrea Waling, a research fellow at the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University, there also exists a “normalised view of sex that it’s all about the penetration … and it’s about being able to last hours and hours and hours, which is just not the reality”.

In fact, the median duration of penetrative sex is approximately 5 minutes, and it can range anywhere between 33 seconds and 44 minutes. There are also alternatives to penetration like outercourse.

More reassuringly, porn-size penises account for only 5 per cent of the population.

According to Dr Sharp, pressures of expectation can result in safety behaviours. Safety behaviours are habits that might help someone reduce anxiety without dealing with the underlying cause of the distress.

In intimate relationships, this can include having sex in the dark, having sex with clothes on, engaging in sexual positions such that one partner can’t see the other, and avoiding sex and social encounters altogether.

However, sexual safety behaviours often fail to render sex bearable. This can lead to ‘spectatoring’: the self-conscious monitoring of one’s sexual performance.

For Anton, a 47-year-old man of Serbian origin, concerns about his height and hairiness created deep insecurities in his youth and made him question whether other boys would ever pay attention to him.

It became hard for him to approach potential partners, especially within his gay community in Melbourne, which can uphold largely unattainable physical standards.

Anton also developed performance anxiety.

“I used to find it uncomfortable ‘seeing me’,” he says. “What is he going to think of me?”

Psychosexual therapist Arlyn Owens addresses spectatoring regularly in this practice.

“What often happens is we’re thinking that something is wrong with our bodies that we need to fix,” Mr Owens says.

“We become a bit separated from our body as a source of pleasure.”

Finding confidence

Mr Owens says one solution to feeling disconnected with your body is mindful sex, which consists of slowing down, focusing on sensation, and what is happening in the body.

“So in a nutshell, we are trying to get out of the head and into the body, away from goal-oriented penetration and ejaculation to pleasure-focused sex.”

However, the first step is for men to seek help.

According to the Australian Medical Association, males are less likely than women to seek medical help. And the notion that body image issues pertain to women creates a stigma which can discourage men from seeking the necessary help.

Oliver, for example, needed therapy after a break-up. Although body image wasn’t the main focus for him, he found therapy helped him cope with body image issues, even if these still rear up their head occasionally.

“We always want to be taken seriously for who we are as a person,” Owen says, “But at the same time, we want to be pretty.”

*Names have been changed for privacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!