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Sex is confusing. There are SO MANY aspects to it and so many things to consider before, during, and after engaging in it. Chances are, whether you’re about to embark on your first experience with sex, or you’ve done it multiple times, you probably still have a ton of questions. What’s sex really like? Are condoms 100% effective? Does it hurt the first time? Read on for real answers and advice on hooking up, your first time, how to know you’re ready, and more!
Q: The other day my partner and I were hooking up, and they put their fingers inside my vagina. I was really surprised and didn’t expect them to do it, but I let them anyway. While they was doing it, it started to hurt, so I told them to stop. Is this normal?
A: What you felt is totally normal. Vaginas are sensitive and need to be treated VERY gently. More importantly, though, your partner should not be surprising you like this. If you and your partner want to get more physically intimate that needs to be a mutual decision—not something that they decide on their own. If this is not a step you are comfortable with, let them know. Tell them, “I really like you, but I’m just not ready for this.” If they have a problem with waiting, you may want to reconsider the relationship because they should always be asking for consent as you start to get more intimate with one another.
Q. How painful is sex the first time?
A. It varies. For some people, there’s no pain whatsoever; for others, sex can be uncomfortable. Some feel discomfort when the hymen stretches or tears, which can cause a little bleeding. Sometimes you may not be aroused (or you’re feeling nervous) so your vagina won’t be lubricated enough for a comfortable experience. Lubricated condoms can help. And of course, couples should always use a condom every time they have sex to protect against unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Sometimes it’ll be uncomfortable for the first few tries, and then it will start to feel better. In general, though, if you’re experiencing a lot of pain during sex, talk to your doctor.
Q: Everyone says that sex is fun and that it feels good. I’m a virgin and curious—is that really true?
A: Yes, sex can be fun and feel good, but it’s not true that sex just “feels good” across the board and in any situation. It’s impossible to separate the act of sex from the person you’re doing it with—or the person you are. If you’re not ready to have sex, or you’re doing it in the wrong relationship or with the wrong person, you’ll be worrying about it way too much to enjoy it. But if you feel totally comfortable and cared about, and sex is something that you truly feel ready for, then yes, it can be an amazing experience! With that said, for some people it can still be a little painful or awkward the first time, and that’s totally normal too. There’s a lot of pressure and it might take you a few times to figure out what you and your partner enjoy.
Q. How do you know when you’re really ready to have sex?
A. Sex is very intimate. It’s not just physical, it can be emotional too. It’s normal for teens to have strong sexual feelings, but it doesn’t always mean you have to act on them. You can feel physically ready for sex but not be in the right relationship for any number of reasons. Because having sex can be so emotionally powerful, it’s easy to get hurt. Sex is only part of a relationship. Other important things—like trust and mutual respect—need to be in place too. Finally, for all its magic, sex can have downsides, such as an unplanned pregnancy or STD, so make sure you’re protecting yourself against those.
Q: Is it better to shave off all your pubic hair or to keep most of it and trim it?
A: The best thing to do with your pubes is…whatever you want! Seriously, they are yours, so the ultimate decision is up to you. Just like you don’t dress in exactly the same clothes as your friends, you don’t have to keep your pubes exactly how they have them either. There is no right or wrong here—it’s all about how you feel comfortable. And if you’re worried about what your partner is going to think, know this: Being comfortable with your body is going to feel so much better than what your pubes look like. So trim or shave them or leave them as is (because body hair is natural)—however you prefer. And if you do decide you want to remove some of the hair, get tips about shaving down there here.
Q: My partner and I have been talking about having sex, but I’m really nervous. I’m afraid something will go wrong.
A: Sex shouldn’t hurt too much the first time, but it certainly can hurt a lot if you’re not really ready for it. Being nervous can cause you to clench up your muscles, and if you and your partner haven’t worked up to intercourse by making out and touching each other first, your body won’t be aroused—and that can make things pretty uncomfortable. But here’s the thing: If you’re really scared about doing it, like you say you are, then it doesn’t sound like you’re truly ready. Having sex is a big responsibility because yes, there is always a chance something could go awry. Even if you use protection, the condom could break, and no birth control is 100% foolproof. There can be the risk of STDs, as well. You have every right to feel freaked about that and not want to risk it! But when you’re really ready for it, you’ll feel excited and safe…like the way you feel before a rollercoaster—good scared, not bad scared.
Q: My significant other and I have been going out for almost nine months now and have only gotten to third base. Is this normal? Should I let them do more?
A: Deciding to take any kind of sexual step should be a mutual decision—not something that you do just because your partner wants to—so there is nothing wrong with taking things as slow as you need to. (This may mean dating someone for months or even years without ever having sex!) If you enjoy hooking up and doing things other than sex, then keep doing that. It’s totally normal. A lot of people like to work up to sex by experiencing the other bases first. And if you do at any point want to have sex, just be sure that you’re doing it because you really want to, not because you feel like you should. There’s no magic amount of time to be in a relationship where all of the sudden you need to have sex with a partner. Take your time, and wait until you’re truly comfortable.
Q: My partner is pressuring me to have sex. How do I know if they’re is just using me?
A: Sometimes in relationships one person is ready to have sex but the other isn’t. This can be stressful because you don’t want to compromise what you’re not ready for or what you believe. You need to do what is right for you. Anyone who tries to pressure you into having sex isn’t really thinking about what matters most to you. People who pressure others into having sex are only looking to satisfy their own feelings and urges about sex. If you feel pressure to have sex because you’re afraid of losing your significant other, it may be a sign that you’re not in the right relationship. Sex isn’t something you should feel you must do. Relationships are meant to be fun for both people. They should make you feel appreciated, respected, and supported, not pressured or uncomfortable. If your partner truly cares about you, they won’t pressure you to do something you don’t believe in or aren’t ready for. So talk with them about how you feel. If they’re the right person for you, they’ll understand.
Q. I always hear my friends talking about having sex with their boyfriends, but I want to have sex with my girlfriend. If I have sex with a girl, what technically counts as sex?
A: Sex is about trust, respect and intimacy, so there are a bunch of different ways that you can have sex. Oral sex or sex with a toy is something that two partners can share, as well as ~outercourse~ techniques like fingering and mutual masturbation. Sex with a same sex partner most definitely counts as sex. You can read more about what counts as sex here.
Q. If I have sex with a girl, am I technically losing my virginity?
A: Virginity is a fraught topic because of how differently it’s handled when it comes to guys and girls. Guys are encouraged to get their virginity over with. Meanwhile, girls are told that virginity is a gift that you need to hold onto, that it’s some kind of commodity and that you’re “losing” something once you have sex for the first time. Virginity is yours and yours alone, and you choose what to do with it. Sex is about intense intimacy with another human being, so you can “lose your virginity” in a number of ways
Q. What’s an orgasm, exactly, and how do I know if I’ve had one?
A: An orgasm is an intense, pleasurable physical feeling that can occur during sex or masturbation. Like many feelings, orgasms are difficult to describe. Orgasms vary from person to person, and can be different for the same person at different times. Some are more subtle, while others are very powerful. A person’s heart beats faster, breathing gets quicker, and muscles in the pelvis contract and then suddenly relax with a wave of feeling that can be pleasurable and, for many people, emotional.
Q. I’m ready to have sex but I don’t know if my S.O. is. How do I bring it up? What should I say?
A: It’s great that you’re thinking about this ahead of time. When it comes to sex, there are lots of issues to think about, such as how sex could affect your relationship, what happens if you get pregnant, and how you can prevent STDs. Sometimes people avoid talking about these important issues because they’re embarrassed, they don’t know how, or they think it will make the mood less romantic. But you need to talk about these topics ahead of time. If you think you’re ready to take this step in your relationship, you should be able to talk to your partner about your interests and concerns. If they’re not receptive, it might not be the right time or the right person.
Q. What’s the deal with masturbating? I feel so guilty doing it or talking to my friends about it. Is it dirty, or bad for you?
A. Lots of people have heard all sorts of myths and misinformation about masturbation. Some worry that masturbation may cause health or emotional problems—but that’s not true. It’s normal for teens to masturbate. If someone is masturbating so much that it interferes with their daily life, that could be a problem, though. Masturbation is often considered a private topic and some people may feel embarrassed to think or ask about it. And when you’re too embarrassed to talk about something, you might hear and believe things that aren’t accurate. If you have concerns or questions about masturbation, have a conversation with your doctor, nurse, or other health counselor—any question you may have, I’m sure they’ve heard it before.
Q. If my S.O. and I just have oral sex, I can’t get pregnant, right?
A. You can’t get pregnant from oral or anal sex alone. For people to get pregnant, sperm has to get into a vagina—and eventually make its way up through the cervix into the uterus—and this can’t happen physically with oral or anal sex. However, if a couple has anal sex and some of the sperm ends up near the opening to the vagina, there is a chance of pregnancy. Although you can’t get pregnant from oral and anal sex, you can still get STDs like herpes and HIV (the virus that causes AIDS). So if you’re having oral or anal sex, it’s still important to use protection.
Q. I want to start using birth control but I don’t want to tell my parents I’m having sex. Where/how can I get it without them finding out?
A: It can be difficult talking to parents about having sex. But surprisingly, many parents are receptive to discussing sex and birth control. Still, if you can’t talk to your parents, there is a lot you can do. If you are interested in finding out your birth control options and getting sexual health care, your first step should be to set up an appointment with your health professional (pediatrician, gynecologist, adolescent medicine doctor, or other health provider). You can tell you parents you have a cold or something, and then when the door is closed you can get real with your doctor about the nature of your visit. Don’t be afraid to discuss birth control with your doctor. Thanks to doctor-patient confidentiality, your doc can’t spill about the Pill to your parents without your permission.
Another option is making an appointment at your local Planned Parenthood, free clinic, or at your student health center if you’re in college. The Pill is covered by most health insurance plans, but that may not be an easy option if you are on your parents’ plan. The Pill can cost anywhere from $20 to $50 a month, depending on type, and this may be something you can afford without having to go through insurance. Just remember that if you do go on the Pill, it’s not a free pass to unprotected sex. You should still make sure your partner always wears a condom, but luckily there are a ton of places for you to score free condoms.
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