Bi And Bi

Name: Ned
Gender: male
Age: 38
Location: Richmond VA
I have recently been exploring my bi side and experimenting with other men. I’m perfectly comfortable with my sexuality: I’m attracted to both women and men, but I’m predominantly attracted to women. I hate having to hide my bisexuality. I’d like to come out as bi, but I fear that most bi men are considered gay by default. Aren’t most women freaked out when they learn a guy is bi? So what do you think? Is there any hope for being out and BISEXUAL-not-gay? How can I meet women who aren’t bi-phobic?

Hold on there big fella, are you actually trying to convince me that you’re “perfectly comfortable” with your sexuality? Because if you are, you’ve got a long way to go, darlin’. I ain’t buyin’ it no how. Like I always say; if you have to go out of your way to tell someone that you are perfectly comfortable, you’re probably not.

I think you think you are “perfectly comfortable” with your sexuality, but frankly you’re fooling only yourself. Your vocabulary gives you away. You may be experimenting with other men; and don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a good thing. But bumping the occasional dude, without that exercise impacting on your internalized homophobia, don’t make you bi.

Want to meet woman who aren’t bi-phobic? Then look to bisexual woman.

I’m forever hearing from bi guys, like you Ned, who moan and groan about not being taken seriously by gay men or straight women. It never seems to occur to these “bi” guys that they can avoid all the clueless gay men and straight women by simply dating bi women and men exclusively. What kind of statement does it make about the general desirability of bisexuals when so many bisexuals can’t conceive of dating other bisexuals?

Did you know that there’s research on the sexual arousal patterns among men — gay, bi, and straight? You might be interested to know that the researchers couldn’t find a specific, identifiable “male bisexual arousal pattern.” Most of the men who self-identified as bisexual had arousal patterns exactly like that of gay men. 75 percent of the bi guys only got aroused watching male on male sex; the other 25 percent of the bi guys only got aroused watching girl on girl sex. No one responded equally to images of men and women.

So what does it all mean, if anything?

I think we all know that some ostensibly gay men claim to be bisexual for a time while they acclimatize themselves to their true queer identity. But why was the sexual arousal research not turning up a distinctive male bisexual arousal pattern? I conclude, given my own clinical experience, that male bisexuality is far more rare than female bisexuality. Not a fiction, mind you, but it is a rarity.

I think there are a lot of guys out there having bisexual experiences — probably more now than ever, which, like I said earlier, is a real good thing. But one’s sexual capicity is not the same thing as one’s sexual orientation.

A lot of guys like you, Ned, are predominantly straight guys who, on occasion, play with other guys. But that don’t make you, or them, bi. Authentic bisexual men are emotionally available to other men as well as women. You, Ned, are capable of having sex with other guys, but you are only emotionally available to women. Most gay guys have already figured this out about most so called bi men. They discriminate against most bi men, because there’s little to no chance of having a full-fledged relationship with these guys.

And straight women discriminate against most so called bi men, because they’ve learned to mistrust the so called “bi-male” identity. They know that the frequency with which these “bi-males” turn into gay-males is staggering.

So in the end, Ned, you might want to reconsider your self-identification. Why not just say you’re a straight guy that likes, on occasion, to mess around with other dudes. It appears that would solve all your problems and your conflicts with gay men and straight women.

Good luck