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Nicely Naughty

Name: Seth
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Location: Las Vegas
My girlfriend has told me that her last boyfriend was very naughty in bed and very good as well, just wondering if you had any advice on how to follow up such an intense sexual relationship? Naughty or intimate, or whatever Thanks SDG,

Let me introduce you to the DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY and show you around this marvelous resource. First you’re gonna have to mozie on over to the Video Library tab at the top of this page. Once you click on that link you’re immediately taken to the video library itself.comma sutra

If you don’t know how a pay-for-view set up works, just click on the “HELP” tab and read all about it. If you already are familiar with this sort of video on demand thingy then you are ready to go.

Here’s what you do. Using the TITLE search field type in key words like: Sexual Secrets. Sex Skills, Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, Best Sexual Positions, Sexual Massage, What Women Really Want…things like that. Each of those searches will take you to a specific video title. Once on a particular title’s page you can read more about that particular vid. You can choose to watch by the minute. You can rent the entire video for an extended period of time. Or even download-to-own the blasted thing. Isn’t that amazing?

Further down the page you’ll see all the scenes from the video you’ve chosen. Here you have the option of watching only the scenes that appeal to you and nothing more.

You can search by Studio and/or by Director. I have a couple of recommendations for this kind of search too. If you are searching by studio look for: Access Instructional Media or anything with Nina Hartley or Tristan Taormino, You can search by Category too. Use the pull-down CATEGORY menu and look for “Instructional”.

Just look at the wealth of information available to you for virtually pennies.

 

And that, my friend, is just the beginning. At the bottom of each page there is a whole selection of other similar types of movies. Why, you could spend hours and hours educating, enriching and entertaining yourself.

And here’s a tip, Seth, why not check out some of these titles with your GF. Don’t be afraid to ask her for a little direction on finding precisely the sorts of things that interest her. If, as you say, she is more sexually experienced then you; then, by all means, allow her to take the lead. This in no way insinuates that you are less a man for doing this. Rather it will mark you as an open minded, sexually progressive fellow who wants to learn. No woman will be able to resist that.

Finally, I encourage you to keep things playful…even as you learn.

Good luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Now what?

Name: Jen
Gender:
Age: 25
Location: Florida
I am a young and attractive female with a great personality and many friends, but when it comes to men… I just don’t get it. I date many guys, but I can’t seem to get a guy into a relationship. I wont have sex with a guy unless we’re a “couple”, but the men I date seem to be turned off by this fact and don’t stay in the picture for long. In the past, I would have sex with guys I dated, but it would always end as soon as a relationship was mentioned. Any tips on how to get a guy to stick around without having to put out?

Basically men are pigs, darling. They want what they want, when and how they want it. (And just for the record, you appear to be just like most men, right? You have a very strict notion about how things should be and you wanna have it just that way.)

Nowadays the men folk don’t think it’s necessary to commit to a relationship just to get laid. The marketplace, so to speak, is brimming over with less encumbered pussy.

Now, far be it from me to suggest that you change your behaviors or value system. But you might want to take a look at why you are using sex as a lure? Maybe you’re good in bed, but not great relationship material. Or it might be that you are simply fishing in the wrong hole, so to speak.

Try connecting with a good fundamentalist Christian boy or one of them fine Mormon missionaries that are always floating around in pairs. They’re generally cute as the dickens in their white shits and black ties. And they will probably have a similar outlook as you as to the proper place for sex.

However, you may also discover that men with more traditional values about sex also have very traditional notions about the place of women in a marriage. Ya know, like barefoot and pregnant. You may even find that one of these more traditional types will do you one better by insisting that there be no nookie till you convert and get married in the church or temple.

In other words, beware of what you wish for; you may actually get it!

Good luck

Name: Tessa
Gender: Female
Age: 33
Location: Sherman Oaks
My husband and I are taking our first tentative steps into the world of kink. Unfortunately, we really don’t know what we’re doing. Are there any good guides out there for the novice kinkster?

You betcha, darlin’! Let me call your attention to Dr Dick’s How To Video Library. Click on the Video On Demand tab in the header. This will take you to the library’s start page. Once inside you’ll find everything your little hearts could desire in terms of guides for the budding perv. In particular, I’d like to call your attention to the series put out by the ever popular, Nina Hartley.

Nina is one of the most recognized and respected people in the adult industry. She is as well known for her outspoken support of the industry as she is for her more than 600 adult titles. Nina established herself as one of the top porn stars of the 80’s. Her success continued strong in the 90’s when she did some of her best work. Today she uses her position as one of the world’s most popular adult stars to advocate sex education and sexual freedom among couples and singles.

Look for: Nina Hartley’s Guide To The Perfect OrgyNina Hartley’s Guide To Stripping For Your PartnerNina Hartley’s Guide To Sex For The Bi-Curious WomanNina Hartley’s Guide To Foot FunNina Hartley’s Guide To Strap-On SexNina Hartley’s Guide To SpankingNina Hartley’s Guide To Double PenetrationNina Hartley’s Guide to Sensual DominationNina Hartley’s Guide To Couples SexplorationNina Hartley’s Guide to Threesomes  and Nina Hartley’s Guide To Bondage Sex. Just to name a few.

These handy dandy guides demystifies the particular fetish, takes the time to explain why fetishes are alluring, and what to do when one is curious about how to play with that fetish. And the visuals…well they will tantalize and inspire.

If Missy Nina doesn’t cover the particular kink that you are looking for, just do a search for the particular fetish you’re curious about. You’ll find just about everything at Dr Dick’s How To Video Library. Try search terms like: bondage, discipline, role-play, tickling, tit play, costumes, cock and ball torture, fetish, cross-dressing, diaper and medical play. The list goes on and on.

And the best part of all of this is that you’ll be able to view these videos by the scene, or in their entirety. Heck, you can even download to own. And you do it all from the comfort and security of your own computer. Simply put there’s no better way to become a big fat pervert than indulging in Dr Dick’s How To Video Library.

Good luck

Twosies beats onesies, but nothing beats threes

Name: Therese
Gender: female
Age: 30
Location: Galveston
My husband and I are thinking about maybe trying a threesome. It’s been a big part of our fantasy life together for several years. We enjoy imagining ourselves with other people when we’re making love to each other. We probably would have acted on this before, but we know that having a fantasy is not as risky as trying the actual thing. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts? Well, going on the number of threesomes and group sex questions I’m getting from straight folks lately; I’d have to say that ya’ll are finally discovering what most gay folks have known for a long time — 3-ways and group sex can be way fun and a potent tonic for a flagging partnered sex life.

Threesomes and group sex are not all that tricky, especially when both partners in the primary relationship are up for the experimentation. And you guys sound like you’ve been priming the pump, so to speak, for some time now. Yeah it’s true, these things can blow up in your face, but that risk exists in just about everything we do. And I am of the mind that nothing ventured is nothing gained. But I also suggest you guys come up with a strategy on how to minimize the chances of being disappointed.

I’d begin by dialing down expectations. If 3-way sex has been part of your marital fantasy life for a while, I’d be willing to guess that these fantasy encounters are always fun and always successful, because they are the products of your imagination. If you go into a real 3-way with those kinds of expectations you could be disappointed. Reality doesn’t always live up to fantasy. The actual thing, as you suggest in your message to me, may not be as fantastic. But you’ll never know without trying. I always think it’s better to have low expectations and be pleasantly surprised when they are exceeded, than to be disappointed when high expectations aren’t met.

You guys need to decide on some ground rules well in advance of the possible encounter. Among the things you ought to consider are:

  • What will you look for in the additional partner.
  • Will it be another woman, another man?
  • Does it matter?
  • Who gets to choose the other partner?
  • Do either or both of you get to veto a perspective playmate?
  • Will the choice be spontaneous, or will you leave nothing to chance?
  • Will you interview for the position, or just put yourselves in harms way, so to speak and go with the flow.
  • Where will you look for these prospective partners?
  • Will you search online?
  • Where will the event take place? At your place, or somewhere neutral, like a hotel?
  • In terms of the sex itself, are there things that will be off bounds?

The more you know about all these things, the smoother the encounter will go.

Gay guys have it easier when it comes to 3-ways and group sex. First, they tend to have defined roles, like being primarily a top, or primarily a bottom. They are also gonna be playing with other gay or bi men. Things are not so easy for ostensibly straight folks, because including a third person will mean adding someone of the same sex as one of the partners. So straight folks have to ask themselves what will be the configuration of the play? Will it be just straight sex — all play directed toward someone of the other sex? Or will it include play directed toward someone of the same sex. Lot of straight guys get off on the idea of watching two chicks get it on, but would never contemplate mixing it up with another dude. So you see where you’ll have to be careful in choosing your playmate. If he or she has a different understanding of the group encounter, there will be problems.

That’s why I always suggest that before an encounter actually happens, it would be good for you to tell your perspective partner what your boundaries are. Also you’d be wise to discover what turns on your prospective playmate. Investing in this discovery process will save possible embarrassment later.

Once the 3-way encounter begins, there is an etiquette ya’ll ought to adhere to. First and foremost is don’t leave anyone out. If you sense there’s an inequity in the amount of play one partner is getting as opposed to another, then that’s a recipe for disaster. If someone seems to be losing interest during the sex play, then start paying that person a little more attention. Of course you guys might just set up a 3-way so one of you can watch the other play with someone else. Ya know, kind of cheering on from the sidelines, as it were. While that may not technically be a 3-way as most people understand it, this kind of set up is very common.

If your interest goes beyond a ménage à trois to, lets say a foursome or possibly a group, much of the same considerations as in a 3-way apply. But since you’re gonna be dealing with even more bodies, personalities and sexual proclivities, more caution is advised. And unless you’re a swinger, or can tap into your local swing set, these situations may be hard to find.

Good luck

Brought to you by: Daddy Oohhh! Productions, Quality Adult Entertainment, Enrichment and Educataion

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Libido Disparity, A Common Problem

Name: Chris
Gender: male
Age: 29
Location:
I’m 29 and I’ve been married for the last 3 years. I was seeing my wife for 5 years prior to being married so I guess it’s been a total of 8 years that we’ve been together. When we first got together everything was great the sex was outstanding ya know 69 all types of positions tons of oral, tons of foreplay and she had an orgasm every time. It seems that just in the last couple of years everything has dwindled away to the point where it’s her on top for a little bit, me on top for a little bit till I finish then we go back to the living room and hang out. Whenever I bring up the subject she gets very uncomfortable and won’t talk about it. And it’s really starting to freak me out in every aspect of our relationship. I love the girl, so I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m wondering if there’s any hope to get things back to the way they used to be that fresh hotness and spontaneity. How can I bring the heat back?

Like I always say, If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this same complaint from a frustrated and desperate man or woman trapped in an undersexed marriage, I’d have enough money to lay down my keyboard, give up my status as the most fabulous and revered sexpert in the universe and retire to Maui.

Despite the frequency of the grievance, it still breaks my heart to hear the despair. I mean it’s one thing to have the sexual connection between partners drift away by mutual consent. It’s another thing all together to have one partner dissolve the sexual connection unilaterally while leaving the other partner bewildered and disoriented.

And what gives with a partner who refuses to talk about why the sex has taken a nosedive? That is so wrong. I can understand not knowing exactly what to say about things goin’ south, or even how to say what may be on your mind, but to clam up all together, that’s just unfair. Suppose the problem had to do with finances instead of sex. What if one of you decided to start splurging on major purchases without consulting the other? There’d be hell to pay then, huh? There’d be no duckin’ out of the responsibility by clamin’ up in this instance, I’ll bet. But when it comes to sex, somehow the same rules for accountability don’t always apply. Why is that?

Sexuality is both a personal expression and a means of bonding with another. Thus sexual wellbeing in a relationship is way more than just the old in and out. It means taking responsibility for one’s eroticism as an integral part of relationship. Sex is a way of expressing one’s self as well as our love for the other. The confusion, unhappiness and anxiety that results from the breakdown of this fundamental tenet will, as you suggest Chris, spill over into and contaminate other areas of the relationship. But it doesn’t need to happen.

When I encounter this predicament in my counseling practice, I always build in some individual time with each partner even though the couple is there for “couples counseling.” I often get a much better sense of what’s causing the breakdown in these private sessions than I do when the couple and I work together as a threesome. Sometimes it’s easier for the individual to talk to me privately than to be open, honest and forthcoming about his/her feelings with his/her partner sitting right there.

My experience tells me that more often than not, a refusal to discuss sexual concerns has more to do with not knowing how to express oneself without hurting the feelings of the other. Sometimes an individual simply doesn’t know herself why things are different than they once were. Sometimes there are lifestyle issues at play — family concerns, work concerns, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol consumption, etc. Sometimes there are medical and psychological issues that impact on a person’s libido — weight gain, birth control, other pharmaceutical drugs, diabetes and depression to mention a few.

There’s also something we in the business call: “desire discrepancy disorder,” which is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying one partner has a stronger libido then the other. But often the simplest and most ordinary explanation is that the partnered sex has become stale, rote and boring.

Whatever the cause of the imbalance, it needs to be addressed as a couple. Once the couple has identified the problem the next step is learning how to talk about it in an effective yet non-threatening way. This can be tricky, to say the least. But it is still so much easier than trying to avoid the issue all together.

Ok, so your wife is reluctant to discuss the matter with you, Chris. That just means you’re gonna have to be proactive in bringing this issue to a head. And I’m not suggesting that you browbeat your wife about her unwillingness to talk about the issue. It’s gonna be all about you leading by example. Here’s what I suggest. Set up a time for you and your wife to have a sit-down. This needs to be scheduled in advance so that both of you know it’s coming. There ought be no surprises. This conference should not immediately follow sex, especially disappointing sex. Set aside at least 30 minutes when you guys are fresh and relaxed and then start preparing what you want to say. Take notes if necessary.

When the time comes for the sit down, I encourage you to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Begin by laying out how you feel and owing your feelings. “I feel confused. I feel frustrated. I feel that our relationship is in jeopardy.” Stay away from statements like “you make me feel…blah, blah, blah. These kinds of pronouncements will only muddy the waters. Then I suggest that you invite your wife to do the same. If she can’t, or won’t, move on to what steps you will take to get to the bottom of this. Something like, “I don’t want to continue the status quo. I’ve decided that I am going to seek some professional help for this. Maybe there’s something I’m missing. I can’t get to the bottom of this on my own, so maybe a sex therapist will help me understand what’s going on.” Again, invite her to join you in this effort. If she refuses or stalls out, move on to closing the discussion. You might say something like, “thank you for hearing me out on this. I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but I think our relationship is worth the effort to preserve it. And I’m actually gonna do something to make sure that we stay together. My invitation to you to join me in this effort will remain open.” End of discussion!

Of course, if you take this route, you will have to follow through on your commitment. If you don’t you will sabotage the whole damn thing, which will only make matters considerably worse. I encourage you to find a sex-positive therapist to work with. A good resource for this is The American College of Sexologists. Visit the directory page on their website. You will find listings for certified sexologists and sex therapists all over the world. If there is no one near you, contact the person closest to you and ask for a referral. Often my fellow ACS therapists and sexologists are very well connected to the broader sex-positive communities in their area.

You may also wish to consult me, even if you’re not here in Seattle. Check out the Therapy Available link in the header of my site for all the information you’ll need to make an enlightened decision about working with me.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for the path of least resistance. Your leadership might be just the thing your wife is looking for to muster her own strength to face the facts. Either way, the problem you are facing will not go away simply by ignoring it. Disappointments will become resentments and resentments will inevitably lead to acting-out and that will surely fuck things up royally.

Good luck

More of The Erotic Mind of K D Grace — Podcast #244 — 11/08/10


Hey sex fans,

I am so excited, because the very talented and oh so charming K D Grace returns today for Part 2 of her appearance here on The Erotic Mind podcast series. I had such a good time with her last week that I could hardly wait for this week to finally roll around.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, that appeared here last week at this time, did you? Well don’t worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. Look for the search function in the header, type in Podcast #242 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

K D and I discuss:

  • The differences, if any, between erotica and romance;
  • The audience she has in mind when she writes;
  • Her litmus test for hotness in her own writing;
  • Her writing ritual;
  • The distinction between erotica and pornography;
  • What she looks for in the erotica of others;
  • Those who inspire her and her sexual heroes;
  • Her advice for the aspiring erotica writer.

K D also shares another selection of the fruit of her Erotic Mind with us. Like last week, she reads from her new novel.

For more of K D, be sure to visit her on her site HERE!

(click on the thumbnails to get more information about these volumes)


BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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