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…Because I Said So!

Once again, I have the pleasure of introducing all you perverts and pervettes to some very appealing playthings. Thanks to my inquisitive correspondents and the treasure trove that is Dr Dick’s Stockroom, I’m able to bring you another installment of my ever so popular, SEX TOY AWARENESS feature.

Name: Oliver
Gender: male
Age: 32
Location: Atlanta
I want to try a butt plug or at least I think I do. I have a friend who swears by his. The other day he took me to the store to pick up some groceries. All the while he was acting all weird and giggly and stuff. I knew something was up, because the Safeway is just not that festive. He told me later that he was wearing his butt plug while we were shopping. Are these things really that much fun?

Well ya know fun is in the eye (or in this case…the bum) of the beholder. I know a couple of guys (and even one gal) who wear their plugs for hours on end. A plug of modest size can offer loads of stimulation for an extended period of time. And, like your friend, only the wearer will know the source of his/her shit eatin’ grin. My one female friend says she wears hers when she irons. She told me that ironing used to be a chore she dreaded. Now the drudgery has turned to delight, thanks to her prodigious plug. She also reminds me to tell you that plugs are not only for assholes. She has another set of plugs just for her pussy. What a creative lass!

c933.jpgOliver, let me introduce you to your new best friend for life — the Tulip Anal Plug (C933). This gracefully designed butt plug features a rounded tip for effortless penetration. The yielding tulip shape fans out to a wide, 11⁄2 maximum diameter, then slims to a narrow column, making for an effective fit. This toy is meticulously manufactured by hand in the USA using the finest materials available. And that’s really important considering where you’re gonna shove this puppy.

The Tulip Anal Plug is made from 100% Ultra-Premium Platinum Silicone (read: first class stuff). Hypoallergenic, phthalate free, perfectly odorless, this toy is great for people with sensitive skin or for those who want a more environmentally friendly play option. This plug is boilable, bleachable and dishwasher safe. Isn’t it a comfort to know that this nontoxic, waterproof playmate can be so easily sterilized? And last but not least, the wide base provides improved manipulation and a helpful safeguard too.

Name: Patti
Gender: female
Age: 38
Location: Washington DC
My best friends are getting married. They’re going to Canada to get hitched, because my friends are lesbians, and…well you know how we are here in the states about that. Anyhow, I’m looking for an unusual bridal gift…for two brides!

Yeah, I do know how we are here in the states! Maybe Canada will annex us one day.

c212.jpgWhat lesbian bride wouldn’t want one of these delightful toys? The Njoy Fun Wand (C212) is more than a sex toy. It has as many applications as a Swiss Army knife. (And you know how them lesbians love their Swiss Army knives! They never leave home without it.)

The lucky brides will be able to insert one end for amazing g-spot orgasms, or use the beaded end for anal ecstasy. Your friends will be able to practice their Kegel exercises with this thing too. In no time they will have vaginal muscles of steel. And when the dreaded lesbian bed death occurs, as you know it will, the Njoy Fun Wand can be used to apply pressure to knots in their back and shoulder muscles.

Since it is handcrafted from the highest-grade stainless steel, the Njoy Fun Wand will last a lifetime. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. It’s easy to clean with mild soap and water. Measures approximately 8″ in length, with the widest section measuring 1″ in diameter.

It has a hefty weight to it, and it will hold temperature — warm or cold — just in case your friends have a little kink to them.

j420.jpgName: Ward Clever
Gender: male
Age: 40
Location: Suburban, USA
My wife, June, has been passing around the beaver, if you know what I mean. This has got to stop. That beaver belongs to me. What do you suggest I do to teach her a lesson?

Dear Ward, I know how trying it can be when the little woman wanders. What’s a husband to do? I think it’s time to trap Beaver Cleaver, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Here’s what you’ll need to get the job done. Deluxe Female Chastity Belt, Pink Leather (J420), a top quality piece of pink leather BDSM fetish gear. So feminine, yet so sturdy!

This deluxe locking chastity belt has a waist belt, and a second belt going between the legs flaring out in an hourglass shape around the crotch area, giving more coverage in front and in back, while narrowing between the legs to conform to pelvic anatomy. Ward, my friend, not only will this little number trap June’s beaver, it will keep her bunghole from wandering too!

This leather harness is a full-fledged chastity belt. Both belts are adjustable and lockable. The whole belt requires four locks (not included). Remember, beavers are wily creatures; so security is a must if you want to get the job done right.

Name: Cameron
Gender: male
Age: 24
Location: Winnipeg
Doc, I’m fed up spending so much money on disposable douches. Is there anything out there that is safe and reusable?

b004.jpgYou’re in luck, darlin’! The Shur Shot (B004) is a douche/enema nozzle that is outfitted for use as a shower attachment.

The nozzle is 6″ (15cm) long. It’s attached to a metal hose almost 6 feet (1.7 meters) long. On the other end of the hose is a valve, which you screw on to your shower spigot. Then both your showerhead and the 6-foot hose attach to the valve. In one position, the valve will direct the water flow to the Shur Shot, and in the other position the water goes to your showerhead. Isn’t that brilliant engineering?

Here’s a tip, when you buy a product like this, be sure you buy quality. I do not recommend the cheaper plastic models you sometimes see around. If you buy the Shur Shot you can be confident that blasted thing will last. You will also have the proper length of hose, which is like totally important for reaching those hard to get at spots.

Name: Bette
Gender: female
Age: 45
Location: Redding, CA
One of the medications I take every day has a very unfortunate side effect. It causes acute vaginal dryness and that, as you know, can make intercourse painful. I’ve tried several lubes, but they only seem to help on the surface and I need deeper lubrication. Is there anything you can suggest?

c123.jpgYou betcha! I have just the thing for you. Holy cow, check out the Lube Shooter (C123). This package comes with 3 disposable lube shooters that put lube where you want it, deep in your pussy! No more wasted lube! No more messy sheets. Just a comfortable fuck!

Simply remove the plunger, pour the lube into the shooter. Replace the plunger and depress until the lube begins to ooze. Insert the lube shooter into your pussy and slowly depress the lever. How fun is that? This handy device is perfect for lubing up one’s ass for some deep slippery butt fuckin’ too. But probably you perverts figured that out already, huh?

Good luck Ya’ll

The Doctor is IN!

Name: Paul
Gender: male
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
I hope this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten this kind of question but I’ve recently discovered that I have a urine fetish. And I guess what I want to know is if among gay men I am in a minority or what? Do you know of other guys out there who share my fetish? Also I’m in a relationship and I don’t think my boyfriend shares my interests so I was wondering if you might have some ideas on how to break the news to him. Thanks a lot.

A urine fetish, huh? Ok! Are you talking about what those in the know call watersports or golden showers, right? I think you’re telling me you like to play with your pee, or the pee of other folks, right?

40.jpgOh my god, this is like a totally popular fetish, and not just common among the gays, don’t cha know. I’m surprised that you haven’t encountered loads of other pee queens before now. Folks of every sexual stripe and persuasion are known to enjoy piss play. There’s even a scientific name for it: urophilia. Doesn’t that sound fun? Honey, guess what? I’m a urophiliac and you can be one too!

Hell, this is such a popular fetish that it has a full subset of associated fetishes. There are clothes wetting, bed-wetting and diaper fetishes, and urinal fetishes. For the BDSM crowd there are humiliation scenes and bladder control scenes just to name a few.

Historically speaking, people have been drinking their own urine as an alternative medicine for as long as…well, as long as there’s been pee to drink. Bathing in urine is also very common in some cultures.

Curiously enough, watersports is not necessarily always a sexual fetish, although it can be sexual in nature. Activities where piss is taken internally (swallowed or received anally or vaginally) can be risky. The pee-ee will no doubt ingest any and all un-metabolized drugs — pharmaceutical as well as recreational — which were consumed by the pee-er. In some societies and in some situations, this is the actual intent — for example intensifying and prolonging the effects of a hallucinogenic drug.

Prospective pee drinkers should be aware that there are a few drugs that pass through the body either partly unchanged or entirely unchanged, like those nasty amphetamines and their derivatives. So it’s all together possible to get really high from drinking a druggie’s piss.

Finally, how do you come out as a pee-queen to your boyfriend? I’m of the mind that the direct approach works best. There’s less room for misunderstandings. You could come right out and ask him for what you want. Darling, meet me in the bathroom. I want to show you something really festive and entertaining. I mean, what homo’s isn’t gonna fall for that?

A less assertive way would be to visit several golden shower oriented websites, they abound on them internets, ya know. Leave the page open for the BF to find. That will stir things up. And unless he’s as dense as a post, he’ll begin to get the message. You could also “accidentally” rent a watersports video. That would, no doubt, open the desired discussion. “Holy cow honey, look what I picked up by mistake. You wanna watch it? Isn’t this hot? Oh my god, I think I just wet my pants. Wanna see?”

Name: Maria
Gender: Female
Age: 24
Location: California
Hi Dr, My question is a little strange. My boyfriend has this weird fetish about cumming on me…not just on me but all over me. On my boobs, on my face, he likes to get it in my hair, on my feet. I’m practically swimming in the stuff. Most of the time I don’t mind it and sometimes it gets me off. But I’m just wondering what’s this all about. Why does he have this desire to cum all over me? Most of the time he wants me on my knees waiting for his gift, tongue sticking out like a dog. Any thoughts why?

Maria, darling, this is absolutely precious! I love it!

Did you ever see the brilliantly funny Mel Brooks movie, High Anxiety?

In the movie Mel Brooks plays Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke, the new administrator of the Psychoneurotic Institute for the Very, VERY Nervous. He goes to San Francisco for a conference where he is framed for a murder. Mid-way through the movie there’s a scene where Thorndyke is on the lam. He phones his new friend, Victoria Brisbane, (played by the amazing Madeline Kahn) from a phone booth to ask for her help. Victoria is in her hotel room when she answers the phone. Just at that moment, the real killer attacks Dr Thorndyke and has him by the throat. Because of all the heavy breathing and choking sounds on the Thorndyke end, Victoria thinks she getting a prank sex call. She protests but then is drawn into the call. It’s comic genius. Dr Thorndyke’s struggle comes to an end when his attacker is impaled on a shard of glass. His death gasp makes Victoria think her caller just shot his wad. She responds with disgust, “You animal!

That’s where my mind went, Maria when I got your call. The description of your boyfriend’s spooge fetish made me think of Victoria Brisbane and her exclamation, “You Animal.”

p10.jpgYa see, Maria, us boys think all the world is as enamored with our spunk as we are. And so we think we’re doing everyone a big favor by spreading our junk around. We’re particularly fond of getting as much of our joy-juice as possible on our partners and the messier the better. We’ll tell you that we do this because we love you and we just whipped up this tasty little batch of seed just for you. That’s bullshit of course.

What we’re really doing is marking our territory. Did you ever notice how pleased with himself a male dog is when he’s blissfully lifting his leg to pee on everything in site? I’d be willing to bet you’d see a similar shit-eatin’ grin on the BF as you’d see on that dog. Your BF is marking his territory, but he’s marking you with his jizz.

The upside of this is that our little nut concoction is heavily protein laden, so you’ll not find a better skin emolument. Just make sure he doesn’t get any in your eyes. That shit burns! Enjoy!

Name: Jim
Gender: male
Age: 23
Location: Sydney
I’m addicted to porn. I look at porn for hours and hours at a time at work at home on my cell phone whatever. I am noticing that the more porn I look at the more I want and now I’m searching out some real weird shit the weirder the better. I’m afraid this is taking over my life, but I can’t stop. What should I do?

Listen Jim, there’s no such thing as an addiction to porn! PERIOD!

Nowadays people bandy about the term addiction as if it could be applied to any and all obsessive behaviors. I have an addiction to chocolate, I’m addicted to shopping, or I’m a sex addict. NONSENSE!

Let’s be clear about this. An addiction is a very specific condition. It denotes a dual dependency, physical as well as a psychological. A physical dependency occurs when a substance is habitually used to a point where the body becomes reliant on its effects. The substance must be used constantly, because if it is withheld it will trigger symptoms of withdrawal. Psychological dependency occurs when the substance habitually used creates an emotional reliance on its effects. There is no functioning without it. Its absence produces intense cravings, which if not fed will trigger symptoms of withdrawal.

What you report about yourself, Jim, is not an addiction. Your behaviors, however, are a classic example of a severe fixation or obsession. Just because out of control behavior isn’t an addiction, doesn’t mean it’s not serious.

You may say to yourself, “What the fuck, doc, fixation, addiction it all sounds the same to me.” Well, sounding alike and being the same are two very different things. Besides, if one doesn’t properly identify the problem; how will one find the proper intervention? And you, my friend, need an intervention ASAP.

n.jpgYour relentless pursuit of pornography, your obsession with more and more graphic and extreme depictions of sex is clearly interfering with you living a normal life. And at such a tender age, what’s up with that? This has got to stop, pup. You can’t continue to take refuge in fantasy material in lieu of having healthy interpersonal relationships.

I’d also challenge your suggestion that you are enjoying the porn you consume. When consumption of anything — porn, food, whatever — is this unrelenting, there is no enjoyment factor anymore.

If you have the psychological capacity to limit your porn consumption on your own, great — Do it! Be strict with yourself. Deny yourself access to the materials that fuel your fixation. Channel that energy into connecting with other LIVE humans.

If you are unable to monitor your behavior on your own — seek professional help right away. Look to a sex-positive therapist who will assist you in creating boundaries for yourself. Your therapist will help you learn how to reward your successes and not reward your failures. You will, in time, be able to put this obsession behind you. But you must act now. Your humanity hangs in the balance.

Good luck, ya’ll!

…don’t let me get too deep

Name: Mystery man
Gender: male
Age:
Location
Hi Dr,
I was wondering how do I make my scrotum more looser? I like to jack-off with them loose for some odd reason…is it something natural where you cannot because its all about the temperature? Thank you, and e-mail me back when you respond! =) Thanks a bunch

Lots of guys are into stretching their balls; it’s a very common practice (fetish). Like you suggest there’s nothing like a pair of low-hangers slappin’ against your junk as you pull your pud.180px-scrotum_by_david_shankbone.jpg

Oh, and you have the whole temperature thing backward. Your nuts hang outside and away from your body so they stay slightly cooler than you normal core body temperature. This keeps sperm production at its peak.

Think of the fun you’ll have with a partner too. Do you know about tea baggin? It’s all the rage, don’t cha know! When you stretch out your balls, you’ll be able to straddle your partner and do deep knee bends, while you’re family jewels dip in and out of your partner’s mouth as you proceed with your up and down motion.

a576.jpgDon’t know a ball stretcher from a hole in your head? Not to worry. There are several kinds of devices, all encircle your sack above your balls and then either pushes your balls away from the body, or yanks down on your nuts. Most stretchers are made of soft leather, or metal, or a combination of both. Persistent use can stretch your sack a good 3 inches. By the way, the stretching itself can produce a very erotic sensation both in your balls and your testicle cords (vas deferens). See Dr Dick’s Stockroom for the 411 on all things relating to stretching your balls

For example, check out this little number: The Parachute Ball Stretcher. This is a classic, handmade Parachute Ball Stretcher, made of black leather with a snap closure. The parachute snaps around the balls, and a metal O-ring hangs below, connected by three chains. The Parachute is adjustable and is made in two sizes. You can pull gently on the ring, or attach a leash, etc. Weights can also be attached, but for god sake, have your wits about you when you try this. You can injure yourself if not careful.

Name: Dan and Rebecca
Gender: Couple
Age: 25, 20
Location:
We are a happy but frustrated couple looking for advice. I’m a 25
year old male, and my lovely girlfriend is 20.
I have no problem bringing her to orgasm and pleasing her, but since we’ve been seeing each other I have not been able to cum once. In the past it was always difficult for me to cum during sex, my first time (age 18) my then gf and I went for about three hours before we just gave up. Usually I would have to jerk myself off afterwards but now I can’t even do that.
However if I am alone with porn I am easily able to masturbate and can get off a few times a day. How is it that I can jerk off to pictures that mean nothing to me, but can’t cum for the woman I love the most?
I’ve spoken with a doctor and he said medically there is nothing wrong with my penis. What do you suggest we do? We are really getting frustrated and just want to be able to please each other.

Simply put, there’s a difference between the psychosexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. Your doctor is right, there’s probably nothing wrong with your unit. It’s all in your head…or your mind, to be more exact. And I’m not being flippant.

If I had to guess, I’d say you have a real bad case of performance anxiety. Here’s how this nasty thing works. Say I have a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before I know it, I’m replaying the incident over and over in my mind’s eye till that’s all I can think about. The proverbial molehill has become a mountain. I bring my anxiety to my next encounter. Mykovalik.jpg hyper-consciousness primes me for more disappointment. And I’m ready to interpret all disappointment as a failure. Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? My fears become self-fulfilling and I find I’m beginning to avoid sex, my relationship suffers, I develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction and my self-esteem takes a nosedive. My preoccupation with my problem makes it less likely that I’ll be fully present during sex with my partner, which pretty much scuttles my sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.

It looks to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on your sexual arousal and short-circuiting your sexual response cycle. Get thee to a sex-positive therapist ASAP, darling! Believe me this is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at your tender age. When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck

Name: Gene
Gender:
Age: 45
Location: Orlando
I am a homosexual, and I have a “friend” who has been incarcerated for five years. The relationship while he was out with me was excellent. I have asked him numerous of times is he having sex with the homo’s in jail and he responds by saying no. I think otherwise, and he wants to come back to me upon his release. My question is “should I wait for him”?

Gene, Gene, Gene, there are so many things wrong with this picture, I hardly know where to start. Your man’s in the big house for 5 years, and you expect him to keep it in his pants for the duration…just for you? Like WHY? Hey, he’s in the clink, not in a monastery. Oh wait; even monks in the monastery don’t keep it in their habit nowadays! At any rate, it may not be completely up to him if he has sex or not…if you catch my drift. Maybe he’s someone’s bitch right now, he’s just not telling you about it.

Should you wait for him? You mean, all alone by yourself with no one to comfort you while your guys’ doin’ his time? This sounds like the script for a real bad 1950’s prison movie. You could play the Linda Darnell part — the long-suffering girlfriend pining away while her good-for-nothing man pays his debt to society.

Honey, you need to get out more.

Name: omg
Gender:
Age: 32
Location: al
Is it wrong for a married woman to want to masturbate when alone?

I doubt it. What could possibly be wrong with wanting to pleasure yourself when you are alone? As we all know, many women only get off through masturbation. Hell, nowadays liberated women folk everywhere are comfortable enough with their sexuality to jill-off with their partner.

Besides, there’s no better way to get to know your body and your sexual response cycle than through self-pleasuring. Once you’re well acquainted with how your body works, you’ll have a whole lot how much information about how you tic that you can share with your partner when the time comes. It’s a win/win situation.

While I’m at it, let me invite you to send me information about technique, style, fantasy, setting and perhaps implements used in your masturbation. I invite you to submit stories of your earliest experiences; failures as well as successes. You can contribute by using the comments section on the Jillin’ Off page.

Name: JR
Gender:
Age: 20
Location: Florida
Hi Dr. Dick. I’ve been having gay sex since I was 12, so it’s not new to me but I have 2 problems. Problem 1 is that no matter what anyone does to me they can not make me cum. I have had people put it to the test by jerking me off, sucking me, fucking me and jerking me off, but it doesn’t work. I can cum no problem if i do it on my own but the thing is my b/f feels like he can’t please me. problem 2, my boyfriend is new to the whole being gay thing. we have been going out for about a year now and he has been the top. I have only been able to top him 2 since we started going out. that was in the first 6 months of our relationship. but now no matter what i do i can’t top him. i have taken hours to help him prepare, by stretching himself, to rimming, fingering, everything. I can only get my head in when he says that it hurts. we thought that if he sat on it and take more control of it all it would be better but it doesn’t help at all. what can we do for it?

Like I said to Dan and Rebecca above, there’s a difference between the1721-1.jpg psychosexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. Many people are unable to, or choose not to, get off in partnered sex. And there is any number of reasons why. Since you’re able to get yourself off when you are with your partner, why not just leave it at that?

Some people think a sexual encounter is only “successful” if one of the partners gets the other partner off. This is nonsense. Some guys, you may be one of them, can only get off by their own hand. It doesn’t diminish the quality of the encounter, just proves that each person has a unique sexual response. Folks, there’s no necessary connection between an ejaculation and sexual satisfaction, just like there’s no necessary connection between an ejaculation and an orgasm.

As to your hapless boyfriend who can bottom no how…probably it’s simply not his thing, for whatever reason. It seems so unfortunate that you guys are so balled up with all these “shoulds” about what a pleasurable encounter must be like. Why not just relax and enjoy what comes naturally in your being together? No need to force or script the passion into a preconceived idea of how things ought to be.

Name: joy
Gender:
Age: 21
Location: california
I have been dating this guy for almost 3 year and also live with him. I love the way he makes love to me and i love dick, but sometimes i just want to make out with girls… does this make me a lesbian at all?

vol1_avenger.jpgHardly! Takes more than suckin’ face with another chick to make a gal a lesbiterian. You’re gonna need to get yourself a she-mullet, some plaid shirts and a vibrator that you can kick-start. Now that’ll make ya dyke for damn sure! Sheesh!

Good luck ya’ll.

Riddle Me This…

Name: Daniel
Gender: Male
Age: 22
Location: Portland
My question is do all women essentially have the same size and shape vagina? Because I have an abnormally large penis and some women are fine with it but some women complain way too much because of the pain.

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you don’t really know how to swing that big pipe of yours. But before we get to that, I thought we’d do a little remedial anatomy lesson. Did you know a vagina is made up of the same tissue as your penis and scrotum? In other words your cock and balls are simply a pussy on a stick. So if you follow the logic you’ll find the answer to your question. Pussies come in a variety of sizes shapes, just like cocks & balls.

Ok, so we’re clear on that point, right? Excellent. Now the variation in size andbig.jpg shape of the external components of female genitalia, the vulva, vaginal lips, etc, are only a preview of the amazing capacities of the internal components, the vagina itself. This is best understood as a potential space. A vagina is very expandable. It has to be, since whole babies come pushin’ through that space. Tell me you’re clear on that concept…please!

Again if you follow the logic you’ll realize that, unless you’re hung in a freakish sort of way (and if you are I want photographic evidence sent to me immediately) just about any adult female vagina is able to accommodate even the really big boys. However, being able to and wanting to be impaled by a giant johnson…well, that’s just a whole other issue.

Second, and this is the most important point, I wholeheartedly recommend that one day real soon you have a nice long conversation with someone who actually owns a vagina. While dr dick is a very clever lad, who knows lots of things about lots of things, sadly he don’t have no vagina himself. So why not go directly to the source, Daniel? Before you start pokin’ away at this mysterious entity that you clearly don’t understand, ask your partner for a little tour. Have her show you around. Have her point out all the really exciting points of interest…and there are plenty of ‘em, don’t cha know. You’ll be sorely amazed. You think your dick is talented? Let me tell ya pal, it pales in comparison to a pussy.

Besides, this little exercise will give you a load of brownie points with the woman in question. You’ll also be a vastly more informed about pussies in general, which hopefully make you a much better lover whatever comes your way in the future.

Finally, if your women partners are complaining about your size it probably has more to do with your ability as a cocksmith than the capacity of their vagina. Most women who complain about painful intercourse, regardless of the size of the hose, report that their offish male partners don’t get them warmed up enough before commencing the fuck. No arousal means there’s lubrication no. No lubrication means there’s sure to be painful fucking ahead. Get it?

A word to the wise, Daniel, if your dick is hard it’s evidence that you’re properly aroused. If your partner isn’t lubricating big-time then she not properly aroused. Which tells me that you didn’t take care of business like you should have before you start to poke and poke with your one-eyed monster. You want in? Better pave the way pup!

Name: sammy
Gender: male
Age: 19
Location: UK
is rimming dangerous you know like not good for you and you know stuff like that

You wanna know if rimming (or ass to mouth contact, for those less familiar with the term “rimming”) is dangerous with respect to “you know…well you know”. That sure was articulate.

I guess you want dr dick to fill in the blanks, huh? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you want to know about the health risks involved in rimming, right? Why not just come right out and say, “Hey dr dick, is eatin’ ass gonna make me sick?”

Let me preface my remarks with this universal statement. There is some riskdirtyjobs17.jpg involved with everything we do. Are you breathing this air? Are you drinking this water? Are you eating this food? Are you driving a car? Yikes, especially here in Seattle? Then you are at risk of serious bodily injury.

Have you noticed the alarming increase in health advisories issued for air quality? The ever-increasing frequency of food contamination scares — both for humans and our pets? And I’m sure I don’t have to call your attention to worsening traffic and the endless parade of really bad drivers out there. And yet, we continue to breathe, eat and move about in traffic as if there were no risks to us at all. We do so because it’s hard to live a normal life without. Rather than wall ourselves up somewhere to avoid all the inherent dangers of life in the modern world, we do our best to minimize risk by keeping ourselves informed and staying alert to signs of danger.

The same is true for any and all risks associated with sex. Trust me, I’m not here to diminish any perceived health risk involved when folks bump parts with one another. But I do want to put them in perspective. You can minimize health risks associated with sexual contact with others by being alert and informed about sexual issues in general and the health of your partner(s) in particular. Also stay vigilant to signs of danger — lesions, inflammations, abnormal odors, pain — are all warning signs that things are not as they should be. And nothing, absolutely nothing is more important than hygiene…especially were butt munching is concerned.

Here’s a little code I’ve prepared for this purpose. You know, like the fun rainbow colored homeland security code we’ve all come to know love. However, unlike the Department of Homeland Security here in the US (and whatever the call it there in the UK), dr dick promises he’ll never use his advisory code as a political tool. The dr dick Health/Sex Risk Code is simple. 1) Advised — 2) Advised with Minimal Risk — 3) Advised with Caution and 4) Not Advisable.

Now back to you, Sammy. dr dick is gonna label rimming — 3) Advised with Caution. There’s a minimal risk for HIV transmission. However the presence of anal bleeding or bloody gums makes rimming 4) Not Advisable.

Rimming does carry the risk of parasite and bacterial infections. Hepatitis is also a risk. But there are hepatitis vaccines out there. And anyone engaged in sex with another human being, eating ass or no, who isn’t immunized against hep is just a damn fool.

Name: Frank
Gender: Male
Age: 28
Location: LA
The problem I’m having is that my current girlfriend has really small breasts, probably a size A or something like that. My last girlfriend had these beautiful big breasts. Being in LA of course they were fake, but I loved them. My new girlfriend is good in bed but the boob issue is driving me crazy. Her breasts are so small there’s nothing to do with them. The rest of her body is fine and her face is great. I’m looking for your advice. I want to ask her to get a boob job, but I don’t know how to approach the issue. Just looking for your advice.

So let me get this straight, Frank. You’re like this big tit fanatic and you don’t much care if the hooters are god-made or plastic. You live in LA, the very center of the silicone universe. And you find yourself in a relationship with a great gal with natural breasts, but virtually no bust line. Holy cow, how did that happen? Is this some kind of twisted karmic fate thing playing itself out? Do you suppose the cosmos is trying to tell you something?

Ok, you want my advice, here it is. I totally think you ought march right up to thisbt.jpg pretty sweet girlfriend of yours and tell her that despite her many charms and how much fun she is in the sack, you’re simply need much bigger tits on her real soon.

That’s right you heard me correctly. You just stride on up to her and tell her what’s on your mind. Don’t hold anything back. Don’t try to be diplomatic. And you don’t even have to give her feelings a second thought!

Of course, Frank, you’re gonna wanna preface this little declaration of yours by telling the lovely lass that you will submit your dick for augmentation if she agrees to submits her breasts.

I mean, fair is fair, right Frank? To do anything less, would mark you as incredibly shallow and selfish. It would also smack of a very unpleasant double standard. And dr dick wants desperately to believe that you’re not that big of an asshole. You aren’t, are you Frank?

If by chance you’re not quite ready to surrender you’re dick to a surgeon’s scalpel, with all the inherent dangers major surgery like this entails, then you’re in no position to ask your darling girlfriend with the tiny titties to do it either.

Here’s a tip; either enjoy what’s near to hand or find some chick that’s already sporting a big rack. I encourage you not to suggest to any woman that she’d be a better person, or more desirable to you (or anyone jackass of your gender) if she were just more stacked. This will simply backfire. You’ll not only find yourself without the desired tits, you’ll be without pussy too.

Good luck ya’ll!

Play With ME!

Once again, I have the pleasure of introducing all you perverts and pervettes to some very appealing playthings. Thanks to my inquisitive correspondents and my very own, Dr Dick’s Stockroom, I’m able to bring you yet another installment of my ever so popular, Sex Toy Awareness feature.

Name: Terrancer099.jpg
Gender: Male
Age: 36
Location: Baltimore
I’m in the mood for something new, distinctive and fun. I’ve done the whole leather thing. But now, since everyone is doing it, it’s so trite. The new wave seems to be rubber. What do you think?

You are so right, Terrance darling. Leather is so last year. Latex, on the other hand is so very au currant! I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you are gay, Gay, GAY! Gayer even than Senator Craig in a public crapper. Who else but a real ‘mo would dare to set himself up as the arbiter of current fetish fashion? We’ll you’re in luck. Lookie here — Latex Chaps w/ Side Stripes.

These classic motorcycle-style chaps are made from the finest quality 40 gauge black rubber with 30 gauge latex colored trim. The snap front waistband and lace-up back allow for a custom fit.

Heavy-duty black zippers give the chaps strength to contain even a body builder’s thighs! (Mmmm, body builder thighs!) This body-flattering cut will lift, push out, and support the rear and show off your package. You do have a nice ass and big package, don’t you Terrance? For a hot night of playing in gear, these chaps always allow for easy access to your assets.

Choose stripes in Yellow, White or Red. The Classic Rubber Latex jockstrap is sold separately.

Name: Matti
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: CT
The BF and I are looking forward to Halloween. I know, I know, we’re not even back to school yet. But hey, can a gal ever be too prepared? Ourc008.jpg sorority has an annual masquerade party and I plan on wearing this totally hot red satin bustier. But I need something else. Where do I look for something naughty, but nice…something no one else will have?

Girl, why don’t we just start our Christmas shopping now? Holy cow, you are gettin way ahead of me. But never fear, I took a look in the Stockroom and found just the thing — The Dragon Lady Mask.

The Dragon Lady Mask is a hand-molded, hand-painted leather mask that extends out into playful points and swirls, with distinct red, black and white painted markings.

Designed to shape the contours of the face, this mask has an unearthly, yet realistic expression and decorative personality.

Name: Monster
Gender: Male
Age: 44
Location: Albuquerque
I’ve tried so many sex toys over the years only to find that most of them are shit. Do you know of any toys that are not just ridiculous novelties? I want something for the industrial strength toy user.

You betcha! Here’s one you can kick-start…well almost. But you will need a powerc367.jpg tool — The Dual Motion, Handheld Sex Machine.

This fucking machine is the smallest, handiest, most versatile handheld device and it’s affordable. Your can connect this Sex Machine to any Fleshlight or Vac-U-Lock dildo for exciting hands-free multi-speed solo sex. The device is lightweight, quiet, safe and feels fantastic.

It thrusts and it rotates! Its unique dual action reciprocation and optional rotation moves up to 300 revolutions per minute and has a 3″ linear thrust. It is powered by a cordless electric screwdriver or drill. (Not included.) It is easily disassembled for cleaning, storage and installation of upgrades, and is dishwasher safe.

The quality construction sets itself apart from other fucking machines, and it comes with a one-year manufacturer’s warranty against breakage, wear and tear. How does that sound, Monster? If you wear it out, they’ll replace the parts and put you in their hall of fame!

Supplied in an easy-to-assemble kit form, it comes with full instructions. It takes about 15 minutes to assemble. The plastic parts are all polycarbonate (what bullet-proof windows are made of) and the metal parts are all stainless steel.

Name: Gaffray
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Kansas
I like beating off! I want to try something besides my fist. What’s that thing that looks like a flashlight called? I keep seeing them around. Are they any good?c149.jpg

I’ve heard only good things about the ever so popular — Fleshlight Male Masturbator.

The Pink Lady Fleshlight Male Masturbator is an innovative creation that provides an exciting and fun new method of self-pleasure for men. With the lid on, this discreet male masturbation toy resembles an oversized flashlight, but twist the lid off and an enticingly fleshy pink erotic opening appears. The soft and creamy cyberskin filling of the pliable tube feels very smooth, and extremely realistic. The fleshlight has 8” of insertable length, and a removable base making it even longer.

The Fleshlight also features vibe insertion, and suction control. The Pink Lady has a genuine vagina-like opening. (You can get one that looks like a butt hole if you don’t want a pussy opening.) The Fleshlight is also great fun when enjoyed with a partner.

Name: Tessa
Gender: Female
Age: 33
Location: Sherman Oaks
My husband and I are taking our first tentative steps into the world of kink. Unfortunately, we really don’t know what we’re doing. Are there any good guides out there for the novice kinkster?

I have just the thing for you and the hubby! Check it out — Fetish Sex: An Erotic Guide for Couples.c404.jpg

This book is written for the fetishist, for their lovers and for anyone who wants to maximize a fetish or figure out if he/she has a fetish. It will help the budding fetishist “come out” about his/her kink, and find a community of like-minded folks.

This handy guide demystifies and breaks down the definition of a fetish, takes the time to explain why fetishes are alluring and what to do when one is curious about how to play with that fetish. The volume’s author, Violet Blue is the best…well besides dr dick, that is. She is frank, friendly and full of practical advice. There are even erotic short stories by Thomas Roche to tantalize and inspire.

Role-playing, Fetish Dressing, Cross Dressing, Human Animal Play and Medical Play are some of the topics covered in this informative and entertaining couple-centered guide.

Good luck, ya’ll

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