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Loose Change

Name: Tia
Gender: Female
Age: 19
I have a problem. I’m still a virgin, but my bf thinks I’m not. It’s really my fault he thinks this, cuz I told him I was all experienced and everything. We’ve been going together for about 8 months already and I really want my first time to be with him, but how am I going to act all experienced when I don’t know what I’m doing.
HELP ME PLEASE!!!

That sure enough is a pickle you got yourself into darlin’. You’ve got some ‘splanin’ to do Lucy!

Funny, because I’m more likely to hear from young women who are not virgins, but who want to know how they can fool a new partner into thinking they are. I guess we can chalk up all this deception and confusion to the powerful associations every culture imposes on virginity…female virginity, that is.

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Like most things sexual there is a huge double standard between the cultural and individual importance of virginity for women as opposed to men. Cultural expectations about virginity are also tied to age as well as gender. For example, our society expects its 16-year-old girls to be virgins. To be otherwise, at that tender age, would be a scandal in most communities. (Jamie Lynn Spears comes immediately to mind.) But a 35 year old woman who is still a virgin is considered an old maid — or worse, a dyke.

Of course, things are more fluid when it comes to boys and men. On the one hand, a 16year old boy who is not a virgin may raise some eyebrows in some communities. But many others in those same communities would praise him for being a stud. On the other hand, a 35 year old man who is still a virgin is the butt of jokes — or worse, a queer. In fact, he’s also more of a disgrace to his gender than an old maid is to hers. Funny how that works, huh?

I hasten to add that there is a lot to argue with in terms of these arbitrary cultural norms, and I encourage ya’ll to argue away. God knows I do! And you don’t have to buy into them either. God knows I don’t! But till things change, these norms are the norms, like it or lump it.

I’d love to know why you felt the need to deceive your BF in the first place? Do the people you hang with, prize sexual experience over sexual innocence for a young woman of 19? And what are the expectations of your group regarding a 19 year old guy? I’ll bet the expectation is that he not be a virgin. Right?

Well you can see why a lot of people, not just you Tia, find this whole thing just too damned complicated. And rather than add to the confusion or the deception, I encourage you to come clean with the BF about your cherry.

Here’s why I think this is the best policy. First, if the BF is sexually experienced, it will be very difficult for you to hide the fact that you’re not. Besides, like you said in your message to me. “I really want my first time to be with him.” Why not just come out and tell him that, sweetheart? No man is gonna turn that down…ever. Simply put, that is the most sexually charged and treasured sentence in any language.

Begin the big talk with your man like this. “Baby, I got something real special to tell you. You know how I’ve been sayin that I’ve been with other guys and everything? Well that was just my way of keeping all the other guys from pestering me for my junk. Baby, the truth is that I haven’t had sex before now. And the best part of this is I’ve decided that I really want my first time to be with you. My cherry belongs to you, baby”

Like I said, Tia, no man is gonna turn that down. The BF will be so flattered you won’t have to pretend to be something you’re not. Clearing the air like this will also allow you to relax when the magic moment finally happens. And relaxation is the key to enjoying yourself. And you should enjoy yourself.

Name: Mikel
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Location: Seattle
My problem is: I have a fixation on cut dicks, so when I’m having sex with uncut people, I can’t enjoy it. I feel it’s dirty!!! Should I ask my partners their “shape” before having sex? Wouldn’t I sound like a whore?

What a curious concern you have. I mean, not the cut/uncut thing…that I understand. Lots of people have a preference for either natural or snipped meat, so I’m cool with that. Sometimes the preference is even culturally induced. Ok, fine! I also know that some guys prefer what they don’t have. Lots of clipped men like uncut cock, and lots of natural men prefer their partners to be cut. Some people make a big to-do about foreskin, as you suggest, because they think it’s unsightly and/or unclean. Personally, I think that’s complete baloney, but hey, to each his own. Right?

cock-buffet.jpgI also know that most people who have a strong cut/uncut preference want to know in advance if their perspective partner’s dick is to their liking. And obviously, the only way to find that out is to ask outright. Ok, so far so good.

What I don’t understand about your question is that you think it might be whorish to be up-front and ask a guy about the condition of his trouser snake. Like, WHY? Either you don’t understand the meaning of the word “whore,” or you’re too self-conscious about taking responsibility for your personal tastes in tonsil ticklers . Either way it makes no sense.

Think about it this way, say you don’t ask and you discover, to your great dismay, that the guy you’re about to bone has some fine lace curtains. And you get all turned off and this screws up the screwing. You feel bad, he feels bad, and you look like a jerk. Wouldn’t it have been better to save yourself and your unlucky partner the embarrassment of shutting down a fuck by taking responsibility for your predilection before cloths come flying off? Heck, I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer to be thought of as a whore than a complete asshole.

Dr Dick has a hard and fast rule when it comes to sex. If you can’t bring yourself to ask for what you want, then you deserve what you get.

Name: William
Gender:
Age: 30
Location: UK
Hi There
I am new to this scene, and I have very little experience in anal sex and I am seeking your help and advice. I am a top but I have a problem keeping my dick hard or staying hard during anal sex. I find it harder to fuck an ass compared to fucking a pussy. Here is the problem: Once I get my dick hard, put on a condom and start fucking, my dick sometimes goes soft on me. Is that normal? How can I keep my dick hard long enough in the ass to enjoy the fuck? Sometimes even when my dick is hard, I find it hard to penetrate an ass. I use lube, so what am I doing wrong? People in gay porn can fuck and fuck like there is no tomorrow. I want to enjoy anal sex too!! Any advice? Please let me know if there is anything I can do to improve in this area?

Boy, you’re in luck, William! Last week I published my long-awaited: Finessing That Ass Fuck — A Tutorial For a Top. Check it out! It’ll answer a lot of the questions you have about butt fucking.

But before you take off to read that, I’d like to address one of the specific issues you raise, about keeping your dick hard while fucking. You are right to point out that fucking an ass (male or female) is different from fucking a pussy. But regardless of what hole you’re invading, a nice hard stiffy issex_toys_dj212901.jpg essential.

Do you know what a cockring is, William? If not, I suggest you acquaint yourself with these amazing low-tech wonders. Here’s what you should do. Turn your attention to the Eden Fantasys banner at the top of this page. Click through that link and go to the Sex Toys for Men section. Look for Erection Help there you will see the link to cockrings. Prepare yourself to be sorely amazed at the variety and functionality of these little devils.

Cock rings can create larger and firmer erections. Since blood flow enters your dick through arteries deep inside your dick, and leaves it through the veins nearer the surface of your schlong; wearing a cock ring can help to sex_toys_gef90178bs.jpgkeep more blood inside your dick shaft. And as all you rocket scientists know, blood flow is what causes erections in the first place. Also some men claim that wearing a cock ring intensifies their orgasm.

I recommend the flexible and/or adjustable cockrings. These are generally made of stretchable rubber or leather. For the more daring there are the metal variety. These may look pretty, but they can be a bitch to put on and to take off. Here’s how ya put a rigid one on.

  1. Pull your ball sack through the ring first.
  2. Follow this by popping each of your balls through the ring one at a time.
  3. Now bend your cock down and pull it through the ring.

As you can see, putting one of these little buggers on before you have a raging hardon is gonna be easier. To take the cock ring off, simply reverse these steps, pushing your flaccid cock back through the ring first, followed by each of your balls and finally your ball sack.

It’s absolutely essential that you not wear an inflexible (metal) ring for longer than a couple hours. Make sure you don’t buy one that is too small either. If your dick is turning an angry red or worse, purple, or it is cold to the touch, you’re in trouble. Take that ring off immediately. If you don’t you will risk serious injury to your precious johnson.

Remember people, play smart with all your toys!

NEXT, ANOTHER SEXUAL ENRICHMENT TUTORIAL

Beginning Sex Play — Tips and Techniques

The most frequent questions I get are from your average dick and jane, (or dick and dick, or jane and jane) who want to spice up their sex life. Inevitably they describe the kind of sex they’re currently having. And almost universally the description makes this grown man cry. Jeez, the boredom. How do they stand it? It’s a wonder any of them are having any sex at all.

What is it with the humdrum, run of the mill, we’ve always done it that way mentality? Are ya’ll afraid that if you add a little something new to your sex chore. from time to time, that the sky will fall? Holy cow!

Today’s tutorial is another attempt to motivate you to get off your butts and make something interesting happen in the sex department. We’ll begin with what was once called foreplay.

First off, I hate the word “foreplay” because it suggests that all these really great sex activities are only a lead up to a single — “more important” activity — fucking. It also implies that ya’ll can dispense with the one in order to hurry up and get to the other. And that, my friends, is always a huge mistake.

do-not-disturb.jpgFrom now on I want us to banish “foreplay” from our vocabulary. Instead let’s start using “Beginning Sex Play”. It says it all. It says it’s at the beginning, but there’s no suggestion that anything in particular must follow.

I’m of the mind that we’d all be better served if we thought of sex play as a continuum of pleasure and pleasuring — with a beginning, middle and an end. If you ask me, our sex play ought mirror our sexual response cycles — arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution. That way we’re less likely to overburden one particular activity at the expense of all the others. Get it? Got it? Good!

Experienced sex fans agree; the best sexual encounters include an extended period of sensual play at the beginning of most sex play. This brings increased pleasure to both partners, and will make whatever else that might follow more satisfying. Just remember, beginning sex play can be a meal in itself.

Beginning sex play brings spice to the encounter because it gets our motors started. Even all yousex_toys_rd9613.jpg major sex athletes out there who are perpetually primed for sex will benefit from some hearty beginning sex play. It will help cool your jets and make the encounter last longer than a firecracker. And I know that you know what I mean!

In our hectic rush around world, beginning sex play is particularly important. It helps us transition from the daily cares and woes to the realm of sensual pleasures. The workaholics among us need more time to become fully aroused. Their minds are still filled with the junk of the day, and not yet ready to give or receive pleasure. And pleasuring and being pleasured takes a big attitude shift from that of the rest of the day. In fact, if you’re gonna approach sex and pleasuring with the same mindset you have on the job or with the kids, give it up now and be done with it. You’ll only walk away from the encounter disappointed.

sex_toys_ki0001.jpgBeginning sex play primes us for maximum pleasure. Men will have the time we need to come to full erection and women will have the time they need to properly lubricate. By the way, this is called the arousal stage in our sexual response cycle. But you probably know that already, right?

When we stop thinking of beginning sex play as “foreplay” we realize there is no such thing as spending too much time giving and getting pleasure. If beginning sex play evolves into full-on fucking — SWELL. Both partners will be fully aroused and fucking will flow naturally and effortlessly from the pleasure enjoyed at the beginning of sex play.

Beginning sex play can include everything from chocolate and whipped cream to whips and chains. But let’s not get too far ahead of our selves. Let’s start at the beginning of beginning sex play. Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being helped out of our daily wear and into something sexysex_toys_ks0092.jpg or nothing at all can be very arousing. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. We could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living, but more about this in a later tutorial.

Creating the right sex environment is important too. Make sure the room is warm. Proper lighting and music will surely add to the mood. Scents are also important. More and more people are incorporating erotica into their sex play — reading a sexy story together or enjoying some hot porn will make the encounter memorable.

Most women complain that their partners don’t kiss long enough and rush the kissing to get at their pussy. Guys, what the fuck? You want pussy? Use your mouth to maximum advantage kiss and nibble all over everything. Literally devour your partner with your mouth. Believe me, if you do this right, by the time you get to her pussy she’s gonna want sex_toys_055337396x.jpgto give it up big time.

Beginning sex play is the perfect time for setting the mood for all that might follow. It’s a time for sharing fantasies, role-playing, dirty talk or some full body massage. Always have some nice lotion available then use your hands, forearms, feet and elbows to knead your partner’s muscles and naughty bits.

Certain areas on the body are more hot-wired than others. It’s your job to find each and every one your partner has. As you massage vary your strokes and touch to stimulate your partner. Roll your fingertips across his or her nipples and behind his or her ears as you kiss him and tease her with your tongue.

If you’re doin things right, your partner will be moaning with pleasure. If she or he starts getting impatient it’s time to bring out the restraints. There’s nothing like some hot erotic bondage to punctuate your beginning sex play.

While your darling is subdued and possibly blindfolded, crank things up a notch. Add differentsex_toys_ss34047.jpg
sensations and stimuli, a warm chocolate sauce followed by ice cream. A fur mitt followed by a Loofah. Introduce some sex toys — a vibrator, tit clamps, or an anal stimulator.

Don’t forget to check in with your partner from time to time. Ask for some feedback and direction. Do you like this? Or do you like this better? Never presume to know what your partner likes simply because he or she liked it before, this is a recipe for boredom and the dreaded bed death. If words fail you, SHOW your partner what you want. Then encourage your partner to do the same to you.

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Beginning sex play is not about pressing the right buttons in the right order. It is about understanding what makes your partner tick and supplying and applying those things to their greatest sensual advantage. There are many ways to give your partner extreme pleasure, and it all begins in your brain. Beginning sex play is as much of an art form as it is a necessity.

Finally, the basic premise behind all of this is that a great lover is one that gives pleasure because it is its own reward, not a means to getting something else.

Good luck ya’ll

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Merrily We Roll Along!

Hey sex fans,

I hope ya’ll survived the holidays. I did! Although I can’t tell you how glad I am that all that nonsense is over.

Before we begin, I just want to remind you that my podcasts will resume next Monday, January 07. I have a slew of interesting questions that have been piling up over the past couple of weeks. So I can guarantee you it will be a juicy podcast. Don’t miss it!

Name: Fay
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: LA
I met this guy on the Internet and he seemed nice and all, but I wasn’t that turned on to him. All I remember is he was pretty nerdy and had really sweaty palms. We went out a couple of time, nothing serious. He just wasn’t my type. So I stopped responding to his calls. Last week I was out at this club with some friends and I saw Mr. Nerdy with this other chic. And I was like, wait a minute, that skank’s hornin’ in on my stuff! I know I wasn’t returning his calls, but still, I saw him first. It was like totally freaky, how they were all kissy-kissy right there in everyone’s face. What should I do?

Seriously? What should you do? How about getting a life. you vacuous twit? And Iwoman_screaming.jpg mean that in the nicest sort of way.

If you could just pull your head out of your ass long enough for you to listen to yourself; your misguided notions about dating and your fundamental lack of respect for the feelings of others would surly grate on you as much as it does me. Your mindless chatter is like fingernails on a blackboard. I mean REALLY!

Think about what you are suggesting here. You’re gettin’ all territorial about some guy you could barely bring yourself to give the time of day to and then blew off like he was excess baggage. You didn’t bother to take the time to look beyond his nerdy-ness and his sweaty palms like this other woman have done. Had you done so, you might have discovered what this other “skank,” as you so lovingly refer to her, has found. But ya didn’t!

Like most nerds, this guy probably developed other means of making himself attractive and interesting to compensate for his nerdy-ness. Maybe he’s got a big ol’ dick, or he’s great in the sack. Maybe he got a big bank account or maybe he simply has a handle on the basic social graces, something that you, dear Fay, have yet to grasp.

Your jealousy is neither cute nor charming. It does, however, mark you as self-centered and childish. For the most part, jealousy is a byproduct of a person’s lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Here’s a tip: try and develop a healthier sense of self, so that you’ll mature into someone who can interact with others in a respectful manner that is befitting another human being.

Oh, and have a nice day!

Name: Joanne
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Location: Toronto
I’m 25, 5-foot-7 and weigh 105 pounds. I take care of my body by eating right and exercising regularly. My problem is that I hate the way I look. I am actually repulsed by my body. I take very brief showers and avoid the mirror as much as possible. I’m not a prude. Others being nude is fine with me. But my body image issues are hindering my sexual encounters. I always want to wear a shirt or have the lights off.

My current boyfriend says that if I trust him enough to sleep with him I should trust him enough to let him see me naked. He also has told me that we can’t continue seeing each other if this doesn’t improve. But I let him see every part of my nude body — just not all at once. So he knows I’m not hiding some monstrous deformity or anything. I guess I thought my boyfriend would be more sensitive to my fear and let me stay covered up. Do I owe him nudity?

Hold on there, girlfriend, you think your BF is being insensitive because he wants to enjoy your body in the buff…with the lights on? You think that he’s sticking around just to needle you about your phobia? Honey, get over yourself!

Do you honestly think that your body-positive BF oughta facilitate and participatecrystal_pussy.jpg in your pathology? Yeah, like why don’t we all just sink to the lowest common denominator? And here’s a tip, doll: you do have a monstrous deformity. Perhaps it’s not a physical deformity, but it sure enough is a psychological one.

I concur with your boyfriend; your relationship is on the line here. You need to get a handle on your hang-ups, darlin’, or you can just say good-bye to whatever sex and intimacy you may currently be enjoying.

Listen, I have a thing about sex and intimacy being a gift one gives another. So I ask you, how can you give yourself as a gift to anyone if you are disgusted with the gift you’re giving? And you’ll never convince me that your body issues aren’t seeping into and sabotaging the sex you may be having with your long-suffering BF. I’ll betcha you don’t let him get too close to the body parts you begrudgingly expose to him…when the lights are out.

Joanne, like I suggest above, being repulsed by your own body is a sign of a deep psychological problem. I’d suggest you get to the bottom of this with a sex-positive therapist right away.

When I encounter this sort of thing in my practice, inevitably my client and I discover a past body related trauma to be at root of his or her current disgust. Left untreated, this aversion could easily morph into a desire to do yourself harm. It’s a common enough phenomenon; so don’t let that happen.

And to your closing question about do you “owe” him nudity; what the fuck is that? Is your sexuality and the intimacy you share with your BF something to be bid and bargained for, like beads in a bazaar? Sex and intimacy is either a gift freely given or it’s coerced.

If you’re feeling coerced about being naked with the man who loves you, you’d better set him free and get thee to a nunnery.

NEXT, ANOTHER SEXUAL ENRICHMENT TUTORIAL

Finessing That Ass Fuck — A Tutorial For a Top

Without further ado, here’s dr dick’s long awaited seminar on being a great ass fuckin’ top. This is a companion piece to an earlier tutorial for you novice bottoms out there — Liberating the BOB Within (That’s Big Old Bottom).

closeup1.jpgThis tutorial is for anyone who is considering being a top in butt fucking sex, regardless of whether the meat injection is 100% prime or a beef substitute — like a strap-on dildo, these words of wisdom are for you.

Some people are not open to experimentation when it comes to their precious asshole. They think it’s gonna be painful, or worse…the mere idea grosses them out. First off, you don’t want to try toppin’ one of these folks. A good top should know it makes no sense at all to try to force, or worse belittle an unwilling bottom to give up his or her rosebud if he/she is not inclined to do so. This is simply a waste of everyone’s time. Because if you do succeed in gettin’ the unwilling bottom to relent and the attempted fuck confirms the bottom’s earlier suspicions that this activity is indeed painful and/or gross; you will have won the skirmish, but you will have lost the war.

Second, before a top commences a fuck of any kind he or she oughta considerfemale_buttfuck.jpg whose pleasure is primary in this particular fuck-fest. There is a big difference between fucking for the top’s pleasure, for the bottom’s pleasure, or for mutual pleasure. If a top is trying to finesse a novice bottom into exploring his/her ass, that top needs to resign him or herself to concentrating on the bottom’s pleasure first and foremost.

Start by getting the bottom comfortable being touched where the sun don’t shine. Lubricate your hand and massage the outside of his or her hole. Make some lazy little circles with your fingers and drive your bottom wild with desire. When her sphincter starts to quiver, as it surely will, slowly penetrate your bottom’s butt with a lubricated finger tip. After a few minutes of just hangin’ out down there with your finger in his poop chute, you can begin to slowly slide your finger in and out. When you’re fingerin’ someone for the first time, be sure to take your time. Allow his or her muscles to adjust to being penetrated. You might want to incorporate a thin vibrating dildo and/or some expert rimming to pave the way for bigger things.

fingering.jpgWhen a top fingers a bottom like this, he or she ought consider the width of his dick or her strap-on while doing so. For example, once your bottom can take two fingers comfortably and three fingers with a minimum of discomfort he or she is ready to take a modest sized cock or dildo inside. If you’re very well endowed or you plan to strap on a dildo that resembles a floor lamp, you’d better adjust this finger formula based on the width of your fingers and your equipment.

A clean asshole is a happy and fuckable asshole. Hygiene is essential for both tops and bottoms. Bottoms need to anally douche beforehand. And tops, once your cock or your strapped on dildo has been inside your bottom’s ass, don’t go puttin’ that thang anywhere else (mouth, pussy, whatever) until you’ve washed it with soap and water. Carelessness in the hygiene department is just inviting a very serious infection.

Tops, be sure to use a good lube and make sure you have your favorite condoms near to hand. Getting your bottom into the right position, one that is comfortable for both of you is paramount. There are way too many positions for me cover here, but when choosing a position, consider —

  • your preference
  • the bottom’s preference
  • your cock and/or dildo size
  • your body type, and the bottom’s body type.

femalebutthole.jpgYou may find that a pillow or two will help support and prop up the bottom in most positions.

Painful fucking is a sign that something is being done incorrectly. It is definitely not a sign from god that ass fucking itself is wrong. In most cases pain is due to a few predictable reasons: the bottom is too tense and is tightening up. The top is being impatient and is pushing too hard. There may not be enough lubricant. Or the cock or strap-on is too big for the bottom’s experience level.

Obviously. both top and bottom should be comfortable and feel at least some pleasure in the fuck. However, it’s perfectly fine, on occasion, to concentrate on one person’s pleasure over the pleasure of the other. Just make sure you both agree on who’s pleasure is gonna be the focus of any given fuck.

Topping is a skill like any other. Practice will improve your technique. And while practicing, invite and then listen to the feedback coming from your bottom.

Ok, let’s review.

  1. Always use a lubricant…and a lot of it. Water-based lubes are latex-compatible and highly recommended.
  2. Stop immediately if your partner asks you to stop. I’m not suggesting that you stop trying altogether; just don’t push yourself onto your bottom when he or she wants you to stop. Find the source of the problem lubrication, position, whatever, resolve the problem, then resume the fuck.
  3. Take it slow. There is no need to rush, especially if you’re experimenting with anal sex for the first time.
  4. A bottom’s desire to be fucked does not insure pleasurable cornhole-ing. It’s nice that he or she might want to surrender his or her ass, but that’s not gonna make it happen on its own.
  5. Always communicate with your bottom. Keep your communication playful and smutty.
  6. Tops, be open about what you want and how it’s feeling. “Oh baby, that’s right you’ve got such a tight hole. You want my big meat in your ass? Yes you do! Open up for daddy…or momma…as the case may be.” Get the picture?

Some experienced bottoms can orgasm with ass fucking alone. Women do so through pelvic muscle contractions, men because of pressure applied to their prostate.

inthehay.jpgOh, and here’s something you need to know. We all have two sphincter muscles. If you insert a finger about one half-inch into your ass and press your fingertip against the side you’ll find them both. There is less than a quarter-inch between them.

The external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system, which means you can tense and relax this sphincter at will. The internal sphincter is quite different. This muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system making it involuntary. This muscle responds to fear and anxiety. It may cause your bottom’s hole to tense up automatically even if he or she is trying to relax.

Tops, remember the rectum is not straight (no pun intended). After the short anal canal that connects the asshole to the rectum, the rectum tilts toward the front of the body, sometimes as much as 90 degrees. That’s way some people are anatomically less suited to ass fucking than others.

Finally, the best attribute a top can have is his or her sense of humor about the whole friggin deal. Fucking ain’t as easy as it looks, at least not at first. But perseverance will win the day.

Good luck ya’ll

Winter Solstice Worries

Before we begin today I want to send out hearty holiday greetings to all my pagan friends. Here in the northern hemisphere — HAPPY Winter SOLSTICE! Ya’ll in the southern hemisphere — HAPPY Summer SOLSTICE!

Some of us overlook these important and most ancient of festivals. Our culture’s Judeo-Christian bias blurs the origins of most of the religious observances we still take for granted today — like Christmas. When Christianity became the dominant influence in our culture it co-opted the trappings of these festivals, robbed them of their heavily laden sexual context and mercilessly persecuted their adherents. And that, to my mind, is a fuckin’ pity. What a different world this would be if that hadn’t happened.

Name: BJ
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location:PA
I’ve been sexually active for several years now and have yet to reach an orgasm. Oral sex, intercourse nor masturbation have been effective. Is there something wrong with me, what might help?

I’d be very much surprised if there was actually something physically wrong with you. But you clearly have some difficulty letting go. And simply put, an orgasm is letting go of built up sexual tension.

Lot of preorgasmic women don’t feel entitled to an orgasm, for one reason or another. Other women are simply unversed on how to make the big “O” happen in their own fine self. Sometimes it’s a combination of both resistance and a lack of know how.

I used to have this client, a woman in her late 30’s, the mother of three and a devote Catholic. She was preorgasmic too. Her big stumbling block was fear. You got it; fear of having an orgasm. She had heard from other women, over the years, how powerful orgasms were and how pleasurable they were. My client somehow got it in her head that if she were to ever let go and give up that long-awaited screamin’ meme, her entire world would collapse. She would become a sex addict, neglect her children, divorce her husband and turn her back on God…the whole enchilada.

With that kind of mindset, this little lady wasn’t gonna let herself cum no how.

I had to reassure her that, as delightful as orgasms are, they are not like crack cocaine. xmas_lesbians.jpgI told her there was no chance that she’d fly to pieces as a mother, wife and friend of Jesus if she were to ever squeeze one out. I had to keep repeating this over and over till it finally sank in. You talk about hardheaded! In the end, she had her precious orgasm, joined the ranks of the sexually satisfied and lived happily ever after. …Well, I can’t honestly say about the happily ever after part.

Back to you BJ, I don’t suppose there’s any way you could have one of your gal-pals show you how it’s done, is there? The reason I ask is most guys learn how to choke the chicken by watching, or being instructed by another guy. Us men folk are really good about doin that for one another. Women folk, on the other hand, don’t seem to do this for one another as much.a16608_160w.jpg Which is a freakin’ pity, if ya ask me.

If you can’t (or won’t) get a pal to show you the finer points of proper pussy pleasuring, I have another suggestion for you. Mozie on over to DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY and check out a swell instructional video. Do a quick search for “female masturbation” and let the experts show you a thing or two. You’ll be so glad you did.

Write back again and let me know how things go. If you’re not successful, I still have a few other tricks up my sleeve.

My wife fantasizes about cum swapping with me and forcing me to lick my freshly deposited spooge out of her vagina, but every time we try, just after I ejaculate, I loose my nerve. I have tried to taste my own cum before, and it really does turn me on, but there seems to be a huge difference between fantasizing and doing. I love my wife and want to fulfill her fantasy. How do I get over my apprehension to gulping my own love juice?
Regards, Chris

OMG! What are you, trying to do make me sick? Just kidding! What a spunky little spitfire you’re married to, Chris. Nasty little piggy sex, my favorite kind! You guys GO!“

Vaga-felching” or “lickin’ a creampie” is a relatively obscure fetish. The gays are more likely to felch, cuz they’re like so into the whole jizz thing, don’t cha know. But Vaga-felching is a-completely-nother thing…especially if it’s a straight dude doing the felching.

Ya see, a guy is always up for layin’ down and nice slime trail, but lickin it up again, especially after it’s been loitering about in the inner-regions of a pussy…why that’s pretty much enough to make most straight dudes hurl.creampie01.jpg

I suppose you’re slightly ahead of the ballgame, considering you say you find the taste of your own issue a turn on. That’s a good start. The big hurdle, of course, is having the same desires post-ejaculation as you do pre-ejaculation. And therein lies the rub, darlin’.

When we’re in the throws of passion, when we’re totally aroused, we get in this state. It’s just like a state of suspended animation, only completely different. ;-) Our sense of sight, smell, touch and taste are muted and our judgment is impaired too. Which allows us to do all sorts of things we wouldn’t consider if our dick wasn’t raging. You know the old saying; “A stiff dick has no conscience,” don’t cha? Well, it’s kinda like that.

Anyhow, all the nasty piggy little things we can groove on with a hardon, often evaporate once we’ve shot our load. And seein’ that ya gotta shoot your load in order to make a creampie, the fetching thereafter becomes considerably less tantalizing once you do…if ya catch my drift.

I suppose you could push past the hesitation you have with a little mind game. You could try to convince yourself that what was alluring before the creampie was made is the same thing as after. But then you’d have to override your reinstated judgment and sense of sight, smell, touch and taste to do so.

Get it? Got it? Good!

Hey there,
My question involves my uncircumcised penis. I am 20 years old and pretty sexually active when I’m involved with a girl. I’m curious because is my head, underneath my foreskin, is extremely sensitive. Only in the past year or so have I been working to stretch my foreskin over my head, and now that I’ve successfully exposed my dick, it’s sensitive as hell, almost to the point to where it hurts to touch. The other thing is that when I come close to ejaculation when masturbating/being masturbated, that it doesn’t bother me anymore if my head is touched. Is this normal for a circumcised male? I really am not educated about how an uncircumcised penis is supposed to be/work and really can’t talk to anyone about it. Please help educate me!
-Jason

Lucky the man with a natural, intact dick! A super-sensitive dickhead is the birthright of every male. Unfortunately, some of us never get to know the excruciating sensitivity that uncut men know all their lives. Pity that!uncut_tip.jpg

You are correct to notice that as you approach an orgasm, your dickhead can receive more touch then when you are not aroused. Like I was sayin’ to the guy above you, “…when we’re in the throws of passion, when we’re totally aroused, we get in this state. Our senses of sight, smell, touch and taste are muted…”This is nature’s way of desensitizing the very tool we’d need to bring our pleasure to fruition — entering a pussy and depositing our seed there.

Once that task is complete, the normal sensitivity resumes. And since our dick can’t tell between a simple jerk off session, some fine gay sex and an attempt to impregnate a female it just behaves the same way each time we play with our thingy.So sounds to me like everything on your unit is working perfectly well.

Enjoy the gift you have!

Name: lup92
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Location: England
I’m 15 and masturbate often but have had no form of sex although my girlfriend wants to start. however my penis and scrotum have extremely small lumps all over. I also have a purple red large lump on the rim of my bellend. what do i do? should i start? or do i risk giving something to my girlfriend?

Here’s the thing about lumps and bumps and discolorations of the skin anywhere on your body, especially on your precious willie, pup. They are signs that all is not well. Do us all a big favor and have your johnson looked at by a physician right away. This is nothing to fool around with.

Everything you describe could be completely harmless, but you don’t want to take the chance that it isn’t. And here’s a tip: don’t do it for your girlfriend. DO IT FOR YOU! It’s your dick, you gotta lean how to take care of it. And there’s no time like the present to start properly lookin after it.

There is one more thing. And I’m gonna be as blunt as I know how. If you think you’re old enough to fuck, you’re old enough to know about condoms and how to use them. If ya don’t, you’re just a dumb kid who might function like a grown-up, but who doesn’tstockingcondoms.jpg know how to behave like one. And I don’t want to believe that about you.

What it is with young people (old people too) who are still fuckin’ clueless about unprotected sex in this day and age? I’ve been reading the celebrity gossip here in the States lately. All the whoha about Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney’s 16-year-old sister, gettin knocked up. WTF? Is anyone paying attention?

I have nothing against younger people being sexual. That pretty much is to be expected. But I am totally opposed to kids having kids! Like I said, if you’re old enough to swing it around, you’re old enough to know how to swing it responsibly.

Good luck ya’ll

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Watch Your Language, Mister!

Before we get started today, I’d like to take a minute to explain something to ya’ll. You will notice just to the right of this posting there is a section called CATEGORIES. If you scroll down from there you will notice that there are loads of topics— well over a hundred — that I’ve written about and/or included in one of my podcasts. Next to the topic you will notice a little number. That reflects the number of postings that include that particular topic. Isn’t that fucking brilliant?

So if you’re looking for information about something, I encourage you to check there first, before you send me a question. You may find that I’ve already covered your concern at length.

The CATEGORIES section is also a great resource for those looking to investigate new and interesting aspects of human sexuality.

Name: Martin
Gender: Male
Age: 50
Location: ?
Thanks in advance for your assistance, Dr. Dick.
Here’s my dilemma; I’m so in love with my partner, he’s actually the man of my dreams. We met much later in life, he being 45 and I’m 50.
I was married before w/children, out now as a gay man and all is well with my children’s relationship.
My partner has always known he was gay, has had numerable relationships and was a sexual addict. He has wanted me to understand his past in relationship to his level of happiness now, stating that he was a bottom slut only because he was never truly in love or satisfied.
He wants me to believe that “I”m the one” that has changed his life-long addiction to strange dick up his ass.
I can’t seem to get past his past slut behavior, and oftentimes get so pissed off because he wants me to meet and develop friendships with many of these past fucks (primarily because they were military buddies also).
Why can’t I accept his slutty past and stop the suspicions?
Why do I get so upset just knowing that he was a total bottom slut??
How can I get him to understand that I have no desire to know any more about his sexual past and just focus on creating our lives???
Thanks.

Martin, Martin, Martin! How you do go on, honey. Take a look at your language, why don’t ‘cha? Could you possibly be more pejorative when speaking of the sexual experience of someone who has lived a different lifestyle than you? I doubt it. Look at how many times you use the word “slut” to describe the man you say you love. How can you tell me you love someone you have so little regard for or understanding of?

Your man wants you to understand his past, but you don’t take it at face value. You69201_7_122_1143lo.jpg belittle his experience, possibly because it doesn’t match your own very limited, sexually exclusive, predominately heterosexual lifestyle.

Listen, lots of gay men (and some straight men) have loads of sex for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes just for the fun of it…or, as your man suggests, just to be a big ‘ol bottom slut. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. A guy can be happily sexual without loving each and every one of his partners. And the sex can be really great too. Just like a guy can have very unsatisfying sex with somebody he loves deeply. None of these things are necessarily dependent on the other. Don’t make such a tangle of it all, Martin. Sex, love, intimacy are all very different things.

I also want to reinforce my belief that there’s no such thing as a sex addict. Compulsive behavior? Sure! Out of control behavior? You betcha! Self-denigrating behavior? Absolutely! Sexual addiction? No way!

Try for just a minute to extricate yourself from your sex-negative mindset by exchanging the notion of eating when you talk about your friend’s sexual exploits. Would you have the same revulsion if your guy said he had shared food with lots of other guys? Some of it was fast food that didn’t satisfy very much. Sometimes he ate just because he wanted to, not because he was hungry. And now he wants you and he, as a couple, to be friends with some of the men he ate with. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me!

Your man is trying to open you up to seeing life and sex as most openly gay men do. This is fundamentally different from how some formerly closeted men see life and sex. If you let him, he just might help heal you of your sex-negativity.

Finally, jealousy is one of the worst human emotions. It is a kind of hatred, you know. Sometimes it’s hatred of another, but it is always self-hatred. We’d have no reason to be jealous if we had enough self-confidence. You say you love this man, but I challenge you on that. It’s clear to me that you have a much greater love of your provincial notions about sex then you have for this guy.

Here’s a tip, Martin — jettison the unhealthy attitudes about sexual expression and give your guy a chance to be himself, not what you want him to be, or what you think he should be. You’d be well served by working with a sex-positive therapist to help you get over this. Do it now, because if you hesitate you will surely ruin the very relationship you claim to treasure.

Name: Pete
Gender: Male
Age: 60
Location: New England
What is sounding the penis and why is it called that?

Sounding is a kind of urethra play. It’s called that because the it involves sounds, a kind of dilator. Why not mozie on over to Dr Dick’s Stockroom and check out the Sounds & Dilators section. You’ll get an eyeful!

Urethra play freaks out lots of folks. Most of us equate having something inserted into our urethra…for any reason…with a root canal by a sadistic dentist. Not something purposely done for the sheer enjoyment of it.a974.jpg

I’m always curious about how folks come to odd fetishes like urethra play. One of my correspondents back in July, Georgia, wrote that her urethra play began when she was a child. She asked her mother where babies came from. Her mother said it’s where peepee comes out. Georgia looked down there and saw this teeny-tiny hole. She knew having a baby was difficult and painful and thought, no wonder! So she decided she’d better try and make the opening bigger. And so it began.

Once a guy told me his fetish started when he was playing doctor with his older cousin. His cousin inserted a twig into his urethra, mimicking how he thought a doctor would take a patient’s temperature. This guy said that the moment was so sexually charged, even as boy of no more than 5, that his piss hole became an object of fascination and pleasure from that day onward. When I knew him, he was able to insert the bristle end of a toothbrush into his urethra. That bit of unsolicited information just about made me swoon into a faint back then. Even now, retelling that story gives me the willies.

So ok, this isn’t for me, but I am told by those in the know that because the urethra is such a sensitive organ, stretching it can provide exquisite sexual pleasure.

Practitioners of this unique kink often start out young, like Georgia and the other guy. Maybe it’s just a function of one’s natural curiosity about his/her body, when one day he/she discovers their urethra. They toy with it, stretch it and find pleasure. Once that happens, of course, it becomes like most pursuits of pleasure. It becomes a fascination, then a full-blown kink.

If a little accidental stretching is pleasurable, they wonder, what about intentional stretching with one kind of gadget or another — Q- tips, thermometers or a ballpoint pen? Once these kids are old enough to do some research, they discover an array of medical implements available to them; like latex or plastic tubing, catheters and urethral sounds and dilators. Well, you can see how this could just grow and grow…pretty much like any fetish. Pleasure is curious that way, spurring us on to higher and higher heights.

But like all pleasure related things, practitioners ought to have their wits about them when they play with their pee hole. I think it’s ill advised to be stretching your urethra with just any old thing lying around. One’s bladder and urethra are sterile areas and one ought only use sterile equipment and procedures while inserting anything in there. And one ought to take one’s time with this sort of play. Incremental stretching is advised. The use of mind altering, or body desensitizing drugs is not recommended, for obvious reasons. Like I always say, safe and sane play is happy play.

And here’s something you should know — the male urethra is approx. 10 to 13 inches long and has a “J-shaped” curve to it. The female urethra is much shorter, only approx. 2 1/2 to 3 inches long, and there is no curve. Therefore, a woman can stretch her urethra much easier and to a greater extent than a man can. You will find that these gender differences also makes for gender specific toys.

Name: Alice
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Location: Minnesota
My new boyfriend is really frustrated and doesn’t want to have sex anymore because he can’t come. He says he’s had this problem for a while and hasn’t come with any girl for over a year. I see how upset he is and I know he still wants to sleep with me but says it hurts when he gets excited and nothing happens. Is there something I can do? I tell him to see a doctor but I don’t think he will. thanks a lot!

Wow, that’s a bummer Alice. Unfortunately, you don’t supply me with enough information for me to make an educated guess about what might be up with him. So I’m gonna make a stab in the dark.

If I had to guess, I’d say the lad is suffering from a real bad case of performancetom03a.jpg anxiety. He doesn’t need a medical doctor; he needs to relax.

Here’s how this nasty thing works. Say a fella has a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before he know it, he replaying the incident over and over in his head, till that’s all he thinks about. The proverbial molehill becomes a mountain. He brings his anxiety to his next sexual encounter. His hyper-consciousness primes him for more disappointment. And he’s ready to interpret all disappointment as a failure.

Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? His fears become self-fulfilling. Before he knows it, he begins to avoid sex. His relationships suffer. He develops a full-blown sexual dysfunction. And his self-esteem takes a nosedive. His preoccupation with his problem makes it less likely that he’ll be fully present during sex with his partner, which pretty much fucks up his sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.

It looks to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on his sexual arousal and short-circuiting his sexual response cycle.

This is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at his tender age. When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method. It succeeds over 90% of the time.

Name: Roxy
Gender:
Age: 37
Location: SF Bay Area
Dear Dr. Dick, I am slowly but inexorably marching to my wits end over my current dilemma. I’m a part time TV married to a wonderful girl who I find very satisfying emotionally, mentally and physically. So what’s the problem, you’re asking? The problem is that before we got married I had several sexual encounters with men (yes, with me dressed and made up as a girl). Some of which were quite thrilling, and now I find that I am yearning to get all dressed up and find a male partner who will satisfy the girl side of my psyche sexually. I don’t want to cheat on my wife (with whom I’ve talked about marital fidelity…if I cheated and she found out, her line is that our sex life would be over), but I feel the compulsion to act getting stronger all the time… what should I do? Sincerely, Distraught in downtown

Before I respond to you, Roxy, I want to make sure my audience knows what we’re talking about.

Folks, Roxie here is identifying as a part-time TV. That, of course, has nothing to do with the box in your living room on which you watch The Brady Bunch reruns. TV in this context means transvestite. Which is literally the practice of cross-dressing, wearing the clothing of the other sex. Which as we all know, or should know must not be confused with a TS. And I don’t mean the poet, but a transexual. A transexual is a person that self-identifies as the gender other than the one he/she was assigned at birth. I hope we’re all down with that now.

It appears to me, Roxy, that you’re really overreaching here. Desires are wonderful2070257205_55f002f39a.jpg things. We just better know the difference between a desire and reality. I encourage you to think twice about realizing this particular desire of yours if it means upending your marriage. Seems to me your long-suffering wife’s feelings deserves more than the casual consideration you afford them.

Most TVs I know would give their left falsie for a partner as understanding and accommodating as your wife. And look at you, considering fucking this up by skipping out on her. Just so you can get all gussied up and find a dude to pound the bejesus out of you to satisfy the girly side of your psyche.

I never advocate the cheating option. But I know how compelling sexual fantasies can be. On the other hand, maybe some kind of additional accommodation could be made with your wife. Maybe she’d be up for a 3-way.

I know this marvelously kinky woman, Abby, who pimps out her beautiful straight boyfriend to totally hot gay gays they meet at the best gay nightclubs. She does this just so she can watch the straight BF get pounded. I hasten to add that the beautiful straight BF is a willing participant in this unusual ménage. Curiously enough, he’d never think of doing this on his own. For him, the turn on is not the part where other guys fuck him, although that is pleasurable. It’s pleasing and being dominated by his kinky girlfriend that turns his crank. So when Abby snaps her finger, you know for certain that Ty will soon be buggered senseless. Now that’s devotion. And while this is not for everyone, it sure as hell works for them.

Will your little woman go for something like this, Roxy? Got me! One thing for sure, you’ll never know unless you ask. Here’s a tip. To sell this whole ménage thing to the wifie, I encourage you to play up how HOT it will be for her. How much fun she’ll have watching and possibly even directing her pansy-ass husband take it up the bung-hole. How it’s gonna blow her mind, and shake up your traditional sex roles and really spice things up in the boudoir. With a sales pitch like that she might just give it a whirl.

I don’t envy your dilemma, Roxy, but I think something interesting could come of this just as long as you’re upfront about it with your wife. If ya don’t, you’ll soon be a cock in a frock with his marriage on the rocks.

Good luck ya’ll

 

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Trouble In River City!

Name: Bill
Gender: Male
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
I recently discovered that my GF has been cheating on me. She wants me to forgive her but it’s been really hard. Just dealing with the fact that it happened is overwhelming. It feels like I could never forgive her. I don’t know if there’s a solution or not. I know I still love her but the truth is I feel dirty being around her. It also makes me feel stupid for putting up with this and letting it happen in the first place. I feel like a total sap. I’d love any advise you could give me.

Before we turn to chastising your vixen girlfriend for her behavior, let me make a quick observation about you, Paul. You sure are a ball of contradictions, aren’t you, darlin’? How can you say that you love a person who makes you feel dirty and stupid? Simply put, you are deceiving yourself about one or the other of these emotions. And pardon me, but there’s no way that what you describe here can be love. An obsession, heart sick, wounded pride, sour grapes…absolutely. Love? Ahhh, not so much! So stop saying that you love this woman, Paul, it’s just adding to the confusion.

16386555_p.jpgHere’s a tip for us all. Let’s each of us promise, right here and now, to save the “L” word for those feelings that are a little less desperate and debilitating. Ok? Because if we don’t reserve the “L” word for feelings that are uplifting and life-affirming then we will bandy about, like Paul here, that over-used term it to describe any and all our fixations. If what we are experiencing tears us down instead of building us up, then it ain’t love no how. Period!

Ok Paul, I ’m gonna try not read too much into your brief message, but there appears to be some important information here that we should consider. When you say your girlfriend…”has been cheating,” that suggests to me that her indiscretion may have been ongoing. Because you could have said…”she cheated on me.” Which would imply a one-time thing.

And what an interesting word choice “cheat” is in this context. This makes fidelity sound like some kind of sport. I don’t think fidelity is sport, nor do I think it is always a genital issue either. Lots of couples are faithful to one another even though they have open relationships and/or multiple sex partners. But I digress.

Since you can’t supply me with more of the gory details, Paul, I’m gonna go with the first option. I’m gonna assume you’re telling me that the chick’s been doin’ you wrong and it’s not a simple…”whoops, I don’t know what came over me. One minute I was like all normal, and the next there I was with my dress over my head and some guy, other than you honey, was pluggin’ away at me like there was no tomorrow”…sorta thing. Ok?

Since I don’t know how deep or exclusive this relationship with your girlfriend is or was supposed to be, I can hardly advise you on what you ought to do next. I can, however, point out that a secret ongoing affair suggests the trouble with your relationship runs pretty deep. Maybe your girlfriend has you pegged as a sap, and she knows that you will tolerate her indiscretions. Which in turn, gives her permission to do carry on in whatever manner she might like. Maybe she doesn’t think that your relationship with her is all that substantial in the first place. Who knows!

If you’re not a total sap, and you’re serious about reigning in your wayward GF, you’d better come up with a clear, unambiguous message about what you will and will not tolerate in the future. Until you do that there’s no point in even imagining there might be a future.

If, on the other hand, the two of you did agree to live in an exclusive relationship, and she’s still taking her business elsewhere, then I suggest the bond between you is pretty busted. Is there something salvageable here? Your guess is as good as mine. What is perfectly clear is that both you and your girlfriend need to step back and take a sober look at yourselves. There is a reason for her behavior, just like there’s a reason for your behavior. To get to the bottom of all of this each of you will need to invest a good deal of time and energy, most likely with a professional therapist, and hope that the bank of goodwill between you is enough to carry the day.

However, if I had to guess from the tone in your message, I’d say there was precious little goodwill left. If so, why not be a man about it. Just call it quits and move on.

Good Luck

Name: Barbara
Gender: Female
Age: 48
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
I’ve been with my current lover for 5 years and I dearly love him. A couple of years ago he had hemorrhoid surgery and was in the hospital for a month. When he got home he refused to have sex with me but once a month of so. After two years his sexual interest is less and less. We have a wonderful time together, except for the sex. He’s a great guy and I know he loves me. We talk about it, but he tells me that he doesn’t need sex and he wants a platonic relationship. He’s not open to therapy. If he doesn’t want to be physical, I don’t want to force it but I’m masturbating all alone and I’m very frustrated. I don’t what to leave him, but I can’t stand the status quo.

This is a classic lament, Barbara. So many couples struggle with much the same thing. Love, intimacy and sex — three very different things — yet we are socialized into thinking that they should always come to us as a package deal. And anything that doesn’t is less than optimum and often downright bad or sinful. What a tiny little box we’re all supposed to fit in.

I believe there is a fundamental difference between love, sex and intimacy, but so many people confuse or conflate these very different needs to their detriment. Some go so far as to destroy an otherwise good and vibrant relationship just because it doesn’t conform to what we perceive as the norm…ya know the big package deal I just mentioned.

16689940_p.jpgI don’t know how we got it into our head that the only legitimate or wholesome sex is the sex that happens in a loving relationship, or that if there is no sex in a loving relationship, then that relationship is somehow defective. That’s simply not the case.

The way I see it, passionate sex is dependent on a good deal of sexual tension. Ya know, like the grips of hot monkey love that happens at the beginning of a relationship. In time this sexual tension dissipates. I might add that it takes a great deal of work to keep that kind of tension alive. Most couples don’t invest that kind of energy, even though they may pay lip service to the desire for it.

Intimacy, on the other hand, is dependent on domestic tranquility, in other words, the elimination of tension in the relationship, including sexual tension. And since most couples desire intimacy over sex they choose (either consciously or not) the domestic tranquility option. But the result is the kind of sexual frustration you report.

Those who wish to have both sex and intimacy need to be creative in solving both issues. Not just imagining that loving someone is enough to make it happen.

That being said, Barbara, if your partner refuses to join you in any effort to find a solution to the problems that plague your relationship, he is telling you your concerns are unimportant to him. My counsel is always the same under these circumstances. If your sexual needs are as pressing as you say they are, then confront him in no uncertain terms. No beating around the bush, darlin’, it’s ultimatum time. Tell your partner that dragging his feet, or obstructing all together your efforts to solve your relationship problems signals to you that the relationship, at least as it is currently configured, is in desperate trouble.

As I’ve suggested earlier, you can tell him that there are several ways of keeping the relationship going without expecting he fulfill all of your sex and/or intimacy needs. But living without sex in your life is a deal breaker. He needs to know that you are serious about the crisis that exists. Of course, if you do this you will have to follow through on the ultimatum. To do otherwise would tell him that you don’t believe your concerns are all that important either.

If you ask me, life is too short to be living with all that sexual frustration. Don’t tolerate the frustration make it work for you. Your sexual frustration could be the very thing that motivates you to create better your situation for yourself and possibly your old man too.

Good Luck

Name: Dave
Gender: male
Age: 40
Location: Wisconsin
I have a boyfriend that I love very much. We have been together for over 6 years and we care for one another very much. The problem is that we never have sex. The last time was probably two years ago and that time he just took care of me and that was it. I haven’t seen him climax in years. I asked him if there’s a problem with me and he says no. I know he still has a sex drive because I’ve caught him masturbating once. When I bring up the subject he says he knows we need to work on it but that’s as far as it goes. I know he’s not cheating, but I can’t say the same about myself. Should I feel guilty for seeking sex outside our relationship without his permission? In the past I’ve felt horrible about this, but my frustration is overriding my guilt. But it still bothers me because I am not being the moral person I was raised to be. I’ve asked him about opening our relationship, but he doesn’t like that idea either. What am I supposed to do?

fist.jpgSad to say there’s not much a couple can do to either beef up a sex drive or cool one down, when there’s no will on the part of one or the other partners to do so. And I would say that if you guys have been living successfully like this for four years, there’s little chance of turning this around. Besides, why would you want to fix something that’s not really broken?

If, as you say, you are feeling guilty about going outside your relationship to find the sexual satisfaction you need and want, then it is time for you to have a chat with your lover. The tension you are experiencing between your sexual desires and your moral compass is a real good thing. It ought not be denied. But like I always say, these are often very difficult negotiations to hammer out. However, not to try to make these accommodations is, I believe, a form of sexual abuse.

Finally, regardless on how you approach the subject, there’s no need to sink to the lowest common denominator, bubby. Could it be the sex you have with your partner is just boring? And you’re misinterpreting his boredom as disinterest? You say he masturbates. What’s in his mind (or on the computer) when he does? Would you even know? Ever thought of asking? Maybe he’s just too self-conscious to come right out with it and ask for what he wants from you. Is there any way you could entice him back to bed with a little spice? Would he respond to some porn, or toys, or even a three-way?

Maybe it’s just as well there’s no sex in your relationship, you seem to be getting along very well otherwise. But only a frank and open discussion with your man is gonna shed the necessary light on this situation.

See Dave, you have lots of options. It’s time to be creative, like the fabulous homo you are.

Good Luck darling!

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