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Down, but not out

Name: Roger
Gender: Male
Age: 70s
Location: Saugatuck Michigan
Hi– linked to your very interesting site via Allkink. My question: last year I underwent radiation on my prostate; it was enlarged and had cancer cells. Apparently it did the job, since my PSA is way down and the Dr. says I’ve shrunk, and am healthy otherwise. But since then I am almost totally impotent (don’t get erect when I want to, though sometimes get semi-erect at random times). I can still orgasm, but don’t ejaculate; sometimes a little clear fluid dribbles out afterwards. Curiously, I could still ejaculate during and right after the radiation treatments, but not now. Also in general a noticeable decrease in libido. Needless to say, very annoying.

I’m gay, solo, in my 70s, celibate since mid-1980s when I tested HIV-, and a dedicated bottom. I knew I was at risk, and “safe-sex” just didn’t turn me on. I’ve been using dildos of all sizes for years. Now, insertion has become a little painful (kinda stings, like the first times way back when), but after several tries they go in OK. Those of larger girth or not-very-smooth texture are really difficult, and I’ve pretty much given up on them (though “John Holmes” still works!). There is occasionally a little blood on the dildo afterwards, but bleeding doesn’t persist, and Dr. says I have no hemorrhoid. The radiologist did warn me that the treatment might produce scar tissue in the colon. Is that a possibility?

I hate to think that I ought to give up altogether on my little pleasures, but would welcome you advice/opinion. I haven’t discussed this with my urologist, whom I don’t know very well, but did bring it up with my (female) GP, who didn’t seem overly concerned and merely suggested lots of lube, which was not news to me.PMB110

Wow, Roger, that was a mouthful. I am so delighted that you wrote in. I love hearing from folks in their 60’s 70’s and 80’s who are still enjoying a rich and fulfilling sex life, even if it is by themselves. I am of the mind that self-pleasuring can be some of the most rewarding sex available to a person at any age. And nowadays, with all the amazing sex toys on the market, one can enjoy solitary sexual pleasure like never before.

I’ve written and spoken a lot about prostate issues including the aftermath of cancer treatments. May I suggest that you take a look at the CATEGORY section on the sidebar of my site? There you will find a category labeled “Health Concerns.” There are subcategories for “Anal Fissures,”  and one for “Prostatectomy.”  I realize that you haven’t had a radical prostatectomy, but your situation is very similar to those men who have. If you click on either of those two subcategories you will find loads of useful information in both written and podcasts form.

In the meantime, let me see if I can address some of your questions in a nutshell. You ask about possible scar tissue from radiation therapy. The short answer is; yes, scar tissue is possible, even probable. And as we all know scar tissue is not nearly as pliable as regular tissue. Scar tissue also MR01034has fewer nerve ending than normal tissue. You could be injuring yourself without even knowing it since the sensations in your ass are considerably less then they once were. I’d be willing to guess that this might be the source of the bleeding you report. Maybe you need to retire the really big toys, like the John Holmes, and enjoy something more modest for the time being. Another suggestion is to try an inflatable dildo.  or a smaller insertable that vibrates.  There are several on the market. You can find several in My Stockroom. The advantage to something like the inflatable dildo is that you could insert something relatively narrow  and inflate to a larger size once inside. This would avoid ramming a big dildo in bum from the get go. And a vibrating insertable would add stimulation without the length or girth.E477

As to your erection issues; yeah, I hear ya. Aging alone will take its toll on the hydraulics that give us wood. When you couple that with the trauma of invasive surgery and/or radiation therapy, well it’s no wonder stiffies elude us. I tell the men that I see in my private practice, who are similarly challenged as you, to use a cock ring  to assist in getting the best boner possible under the circumstances. A penis pump works pretty well too, if you want to go the distance.  I have lots more to say about these devices if you care to hear about it.

C923Also, several men I know with erection concerns are taking a cue from the women folk and employing a vibrator in their sex play. There are the insertable kind, as I’ve already mentioned, and there are external ones too. Have you given this option a thought? The extra stimulation a vibrator can produce will increase blood flow and thus a more substantial boner. I have a whole lot more to say about this too if you care to write to me for that information.

In the end, it will be desire that will continue to propel you to further enjoy yourself and the pleasures your body has to offer. I wish you continued lust and many more years of healthy and life-affirming sexuality.

Good luck

Now Hear This!

Hey sex fans…foundation for sex positive culture

Particularly all you ladies and germs here in the Puget Sound area!

I want to invite you to a very special event taking place at The Foundation For Sex Positive Culture.

A workshop and book signing event with refreshments for The Gospel of Kink by me, Richard “Dr. Dick” Wagner, Ph.D., ACS.

When: 09/21/13  3PM to 4:30PM (formal presentation starts at 3:30pm)
Where: Annex
Who: Anyone 18+ with ID
Cost: $10
(No other CSPC discounts or AYCE cards applicable.)

Purchase Advance Tickets HERE  Enter discount code — E8F3Y — to get $5.00 off admission.

Book signing: 4:30pm – 5pm FREE

I will discuss the topic of my latest book: Building, Maintaining, and Deepening Kink Relationships Through Effective Communication. I will be joined by four of our favorite seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture personalities (they contributed to the book) for a fun, lively, and stimulating panel discussion and Q&A. All we be on hand for a book signing afterward.

About the book:

  • The Gospel of Kink is a workshop in book form. Its innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.
  • The Gospel of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.GOK small cover
  • The Gospel of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.
  • The Gospel of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.
  • The Gospel of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.
  • The Gospel of Kink is a workbook designed primarily for the modern kinkster, but not exclusively. Family, friends, healing and helping professionals, teachers, students, indeed anyone who wishes to further understand and better communicate with those they know on the sexual fringe, will benefit from this book.

About The Contributors

Samantha is a bisexual switch who has been a part of the SM and swinger communities for 12 years. Her favorite motto, which she uses for both worlds is, “If it isn’t fun, then why the fuck do it?”  Following in a tradition of her own creation, she would never claim to know the One True Way. And would not spend much time (let alone play) with anyone who would say such things.  She is an active volunteer and she has several causes (kinky and not) that she supports.

Byrdie is currently a student who is trying to find ways to recover from codependency in every aspect of her life including romantic relationships, friendships, and work. She says she is learning to tell the difference between her instincts and knee-jerk reactions to triggers. She’s also learning not to be so afraid of failure. As she says, she has just as much right to ask for things, speak out, act, and follow her dreams as anyone else.  Byrdie now says she is a hedonist. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She prefers primal play (punching, biting, scratching, growling) and deep thud sensations. And she has a fondness for Daddy/Girl play.  She identifies as someplace between bisexual, pansexual, and heteroflexible, and is working to improve trust and sensual intimacy with other women.  She is one of the earliest members of the Center for Sex Positive Culture. She is an avid attendee at culture-oriented workshops and is easing back into the social scene.  Most recently Byrdie initiated the Seattle edition of Mollena Williams’ “Know Your Negro,” a photography project intended to bring attention to the dearth of brown faces in the Kink/Leather world.

Jack Slash, aka Jack the Journeyman, has been a member of the Seattle Leather community since 1982, and a practitioner of S/M since 1974. Before the year 2002, he was known as “Dragon Xcalibur.”  He holds two past Leather titles: Seattle Leatherwomon 1988 and Seattle Leather Ambassador 1997. In the eighties and nineties, he was a member of the now disbanded Leather doo-wop singing group, The Sluts from Hell.  He teaches workshops, judges local and international contests on the West Coast, participates in local fund-raisers, and leads spirituality circles at Queer Leather events since the 1980′s in Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, B.C. and San Francisco. Workshop presentations include-blood sports, branding, impact play, fear and terror, ritual sacrifice, and honeybees.  He is a sought after speaker on the topic of S/M and gender fluidity within the Leather community. As part of a group of community elders he often shares his perspective on the Pacific Northwest Leather history.  Jack says that S/M has informed his life and his personal spiritual path for more than thirty years bringing him lifelong friendships, great enlightenment, and much joy and pleasure.

Kristen Knapick, MA, LMHCA, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Seattle. She specializes in working with those for whom kink/poly/sex work/queerness/gender variance are a part of life whether the source of a problem or not. Her nearly 20 years of experience as a member of all of these communities gives her a unique, non-judgmental perspective on mental health within them, and her professional training has sharpened her skills.  Kristen has presented material at Babeland, Powersurge, Living in Leather, The Center for Sex Positive Culture, Women In Kink, and Gender Odyssey. She has organized professional trainings for mental health providers on polyamory and BDSM, and created a research project to explore the aging of the transgender community and the ways in which our current system is unprepared for assisting these trailblazers. Currently, Kristen is working to raise awareness and visibility for the needs of trans/gender-nonconformists, sex workers, and kinky and/or polyamorous people within the mental health system.

Show him around, why don’t cha?

Name: Frankie
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Location: Juneau
Dr. Dick, I have been married for about 6 years and my husband and I have a great relationship. But I’m unsatisfied with our sex life. Here’s the thing. When I masturbate I cum, but I don’t when I have sex with my husband. When I was in college I had a NSA (no strings attached) sexual relationship with this guy. Neither one of us had an emotion attachment to the other, but it was great sex. Is it possible the reason I can’t cum with my husband is a breakdown between my emotions and my orgasms?

I think you’re asking if it is possible for a person to get off with a relative stranger (a NSA kinda connection), but have difficulty fully enjoying sex with someone they truly love. Is that about the size of it?

If I’m on target here, than the answer is yes, absolutely. This is more likely to be a bugaboo for women than men, but a lotta people experience a disconnect between sex and intimacy for one reason or another. If you can get off on your own and/or in a zip less fuck, but not with your old man, then I’d say you might be experiencing such a rift.bound_male.03

Sometime this has to do with upbringing. If you were socialized as a girl to believe that sex is dirty, or at least not particularly wholesome; then you may find it difficult putting love and sex together. Or if you were taught as a girl to think that women who enjoy sex are whores; then you may find it difficult putting devotion and passion together.

Of course, your problem might simply be that your college beau was a much better cocksmith than your hubby. He may have had the key, so to speak, to unlocking your orgasm.

Let’s start here. On the scale of 1-10, 10 being “World-Class Lover,” how would you rate your husband? If he is less then an 8, you’re gonna have to show him how to become a 10. Since many women require direct clitoral stimulation to get off, I suggest you have your old man stimulate your clitoris with his mouth, fingers or a vibrator. Have him do this before, during after, or even instead of fucking. Also, you gotta let him know precisely the way you like and need to be touched. This will go a long way towards increasing your sexual pleasure and satisfaction, which is the foundation to having orgasms. He will benefit too and become a much better lover.

restraintsThis is why I’m such a big proponent of mutual masturbation, even…or should I say especially…for folks in exclusive and long-term relationships. I like to think of it as a way of checking in with one another about the all important arousal stage of our sexual response cycle, which changes with time. Do yourself a favor and invite your hubby to a little show. If you think you might be a wee bit shy for just dropping trou and jilling-off for him, make this part of your sex play. Try a little erotic bondage; have him sit up in a chair or lie back in bed. Restrain his hands and arms and possibly his legs and feet as well using a belt, necktie, or silk scarf.

When you’re certain he won’t be able to use his hands to reach for you while you’re doing your show and tell, let the tour of your lady parts begin. Straddle his chest or lap, and bring your pussy up close to his face. Start by pointing out all the amazing features of your own unique vulva. Make this part instructional, but also naughty too. Stick your fingers in your hubby’s mouth and get them all slick with spit, then finger yourself. Get your own juices flowing and diddle your clit. It’ll be the most fantastic lap (face) dance he’ll ever have.

This is the ideal time for some dirty talk or reading erotic aloud. The more tuned on you are the better it will be for him too. Show him how you bring yourself to orgasm. Feel free to include lots of lube and a toy or two. Remember, this is all about you, but for his benefit. I can assure you it will be instructive for him and liberating for you. And most of all it will be hot, steamy fun for you both. And it won’t involve fucking. Once you’ve gotten yourself off a time or two, undo his restraints and let him do the same to and for you. Who know what wonderfully erotic doors will open for you both through this exercise.

Good luck

Take a look at all the interesting and smutty stuff I’ve collected on my new Tumbler page HERE!

Never too old

Hey sex fans!

Before we get to today’s Q&A, I have two announcements. First, allow me to introduce you to my new Tumblr site: SEx AdViCe wITH An EDGe. It’s deliciously smutty, don’t cha know. Second, podcasts will resume this coming Monday with a remarkable guest, erotic filmmaker, Kyle Henry.

Alrighty, now to my correspondent.

Name: Macwinhar
Gender: Male (I’m gonna guess)
Age:
Location:
DR. DICK, We have been together almost 25 years. I feel like we need to spice it up. He has had some health issues with knee replacements. He feels he is not a good top any longer. But for me is, that is not the issue. It is not about the topping as is about the intimacy. I am not sure what to do? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sexual boredom often sets in to long-term relationships. And the health issues that accompany the aging process can also throw a wrench in the sexual works, so to speak. These challenges can either be an opportunity for some creative problem solving or they can completely extinguish sexual interest all together.andropause3

I’m disappointed in you, sir! You suggest in your message that butt fuckin’ is the only sexual expression open to you fellas. Surely, you can be a bit more resourceful than that. Have you taken the time to check in with your partner lately to inquire about his sexual needs and desires? If not, I suggest you begin the rehabilitation of your sexual mojo there.

Let me ask you a few pointed questions. Could you guys invite a third party to join you as a periodic sexual playmate? Ya know what they say; “Twosies beat onesies, but nothing be threes.”

How about a little role-playing, a new sex toy, or something kinky, maybe some BDSM perhaps. It’s easy to lose interest in sex when the play is boring, repetitive and ho-hum.

Here’s what I want you guys to do, and I do mean both of you. I want you to mozie on over to my online sex emporium and pick out something new and interesting. Look for the MY STOCKROOM banner in the sidebar for access to this great resource. I want you to pick something for him and I want him to pick something for you.

sexy daddiesI’ve put together a dazzling array of products that will liven up even the most humdrum sex life. Pay particular attention to the COUPLES section of My Stockroom. You’ll find loads of interesting things for couples of every stripe.

Still not sure what to buy? Take a look at my ever so popular adult product review site, Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews.

There are several sex manuals available in MY STOCKROOM, and even more elsewhere online. You could consult one of them for ideas if you can’t tap into your own god-given queer creativity.

Just in case this hasn’t crossed your mind, us men folk go through physiological and hormonal changes in midlife, just like women do. There’s even a name for it — andropause — the male menopause as it were. http://www.drdicksextoyreviews.com/ As we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. So keep that in mind as you shop for your new sexual accessories. Look for things that will enhance and extend the arousal phase of sex play.sexy daddies 02

Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication will help a sexual relationship stay rich and rewarding even well into one’s senior years. If you’re not talking to you partner about the issues as they arise; you are missing an opportunity to course-correct at the most beneficial time, while the issue is front and center. Need some help communicating? Why not connect with a sex-positive therapist in your area for a little refresher course.

If your old man is avoiding butt fucking because of his knees, you guys might consider trying a new position, one that won’t involve him being on his knees. Look for my tutorial on sex positions: Basic Sexual Positions For One And All! And if that don’t solve your problem, there are still many ways of expressing his ardor that don’t involve his knees. How about some sensual massage, erotic bondage, or some good old-fashioned mutual masturbation with a swell new sex toy like the Fleshlight?

Remember sex oughta be an adventure even for an old “married” couple like you guys. If you don’t take all the opportunities to make things adventurous as they present themselves, you will find that these opportunities will simply vanish. And you’ll be shit out of luck then, darlin’.

Good Luck

Hey dr dick! What’s that toll-free podcast voicemail telephone number? Why, it’s: (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Foreskin freak outs!

Hey sex fans,

I know what you’re thinkin’: Hey Dr Dick, what’s up with your podcasts? Well I’ll tell ya. It’s true I haven’t posted a podcast in two weeks. But there’s a good reason. I’ve been busy, damnit! I have a new book coming out in a matter of days and all my energies have been focused in that direction. Gettin’ a book published is like birthin’ babies, don’t cha know.

That being said, I have put together a fantastic line up of guests for my show that will delight and amaze you. And my stellar guest list will take us into the fall. So stay tuned; podcasts will resume next week, Monday, 07/15/13.

To tide you over till then, I have some interesting Q&A from all over the freakin world.

Jerome and Conor, an American and an Englishman. each present a similar problem.

Name: Jerome
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Location: CA
Dr Dick, I have an uncut penis and when I’m in the shower and my foreskin is pulled back, the head of my dick hurts pretty bad from the falling water. The shower is not heavily pressurized, but it still hurts. Any answers?

AND

Name: Conor
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Location: London
My helmet is really sensitive I think it is because it is never really exposed because it is always behind my foreskin. How do I make it become less sensitive? Thanks

You boys have got your work cut out for you with the whole desensitizing thing, don’t cha know. Ya see, the more bodyasart5420you expose your sensitive dickhead to direct stimulation, be it touch or whatever, the less sensitive it will become.

I realize this isn’t gonna be all that pleasurable, at least not in the short-run, but you will find that in a matter of days this hypersensitivity will begin to reverse itself and pleasure will replace discomfort. Jerome, you have the right idea with the shower thing. However, you might want to try buffering your dickhead with a thin piece of fabric, like a handkerchief, at first. Once you can tolerate that level of sensation, remove the cloth and let the shower flow hit you dickhead directly. Make sure you do this daily for as long as you can stand it. Like I said, this will help desensitize your dickhead in a matter of days.

Once you’re out of the shower apply some nice lotion to your cockhead. This will diminish some the sensitivity. It will also help your fingers move easily on and around it.

Make sure that you fully retract your foreskin each time you jerk off. Every time you come in contact with your glans you will be desensitizing it. Patience and perseverance are the keys to making this happen in a relatively short period of time. If you are conscientious about this you will notice a difference in sensitivity in just a matter of days. Remember, it’ll be a no pain/no gain sorta thing, at least at the beginning.

To assist you in this process, you might consider trying a desensitizing lotion or cream to reduce some of the hypersensitivity. Some of these products are sold as a means of increasing ejaculatory control. But they also work for problem sensitivity too. Ya see these lotions and creams will have a “numbing effect” on your cock. If you choose to use one of these products, use it sparingly and only for a limited time.

If you check out MY STOCKROOM you will find several such products. Look for Boy Butter Extreme. It’s a desensitizing water-based lube, which contains 7.5% benzocaine; a strong local anesthetic, the maximum amount allowed by law.

Or look for Analyse Me! Anal Comfort Spray. Obviously, this is a product developed to desensitize your butt hole before fucking. But again, this will work on your dickhead as well. This product is lidocaine and benzocaine free.

Good luck you guys

A_Foreskin_Retraction_Series

Name: Saukha
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Location: India
Hi Doc, My problem is a stiff / tight frenulum. For past few months whenever I make love with my wife, it hurts, feels like something slightly rips, after applying anti-fungal ointments it gets ok but when we do it again it reoccurs and hurts when I wash my penis with plain water. IS there any ointment or cream, which would help frenulum to get more stretchable? Or is circumcision the only answer to my problem as we are planning for a family and don’t wanna go under the knife (if something goes wrong), just a bit scared for it. Please help and guide. Thanks a lot in advance.

Why are you using an anti-fungal ointment? Do you have some kind of a skin condition that requires you to use a use an anti-fungal treatment under your foreskin? If you don’t, you are probably adding to your problems by using this stuff. An anti-fungal ointment will dry out your skin, particularly under your foreskin. And that sounds like your problem right there.

Are you using a nice personal lube when you fuck? If not, that’s what you need to introduce into your lovemaking. This will not just be for you, of course. It’ll also for you lovely wife. A nice silicone-based or water-based lube will work wonders on your dick and it will assist in your wife’s comfort too. Please, give it a try.

There’s no reason you should have to consider circumcision. But the proper care and upkeep of your foreskin is essential to a properly functioning natural cock. I’ve written and spoken extensively about this. Go to the CATEGORIES section in the sidebar and look under the heading Body Issues for the subcategory — Foreskin. There’s loads of information there.

You probably saw the comments I made to the two guys right above, right? A desensitizing cream or lotion might help you too. But whatever you do, stop drying out the delicate tissue under your foreskin.

Good luck