Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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We asked men how they feel about dating, sex, and porn in 2023.

— The answers are not simple

It feels like sex and dating is more complicated than ever. To find out what’s going on, GQ surveyed you about everything from body counts to porn shame to lying on dating apps

By GQ

Dating has never been easy; sex has never been simple. Still, right now feels like a particularly tumultuous time when it comes to romance. We’ve had a pandemic that, among other things, was a global mood killer. Before that, the MeToo movement spurred an ongoing confrontation with sexism and misogny at a systemic level and, for many men, an individual reckoning with how they behave towards women. As we’ve spent more time living and working remotely, dating apps and internet pornography have strengthened their grip over our attentions; the former is rewriting the codes of dating etiquette and spilling messily into how we talk to each other, while the latter continues to reshape our expectations of sex and intimacy.

It feels like we’re constantly being told that we’re living in a new age of sexual puritanism and a great sex recession, and yet sex clubs are flourishing and we’re spending £4bn a year on OnlyFans. (So are we horny, or aren’t we?) Meanwhile, birthrates have plummeted, marriage is in decline and, if Twitter is to be believed, dating is dead. Some of this feels like a necessary corrective on the stumbling path to equality and fairness; some of it feels like the dawn of a dystopia. (Not another one!) Put together, it means it can be hard to know what is really going on with sex and love in 2023.

So we thought we’d ask. Earlier this year, GQ surveyed 604 people from a representative range of age, gender, sexualities and backgrounds in Britain to ask about how you feel and think about dating, relationships and sex today. The findings point to men, in particular, being at a crossroads, with increasingly progressive attitudes towards monogamy and parenthood sitting alongside more outdated views and, sometimes, behaviours.

Sex isn’t our top priority

We asked men how they feel about dating sex and porn in 2023. The answers are not simple

First of all, we asked men how much of a priority sex and relationships are in their lives. Almost half(47%) said they can be happy in a relationship with little to no sex. This bears out in their priorities, too, with men placing spending time with friends & family (35%), working out (25%) and making money (24%) all as more important to them than sex and romance (12%).

This isn’t to say that men aren’t being adventurous. In a sign the post-Covid hedonism many anticipated might be upon us after all, 25% of men claim to have attended a sex party and would do so again. 26% of couples have done so too.

We’re not being honest on dating apps

When it comes to dating, 70% of men admitted they have lied about themselves on dating apps. Of those men, the most common areas in which they’ve misrepresented themselves were in their photos (36%), when describing their age (35%), their career (28%) and their height (27%).

Worse still, 21% of men in monogamous relationships said they were still using dating apps, and the men surveyed were more than three times as likely as women to keep an ex or former love interest’s nudes after a break-up (29% compared to 8%).

Meanwhile, TikTok debates about ‘body count’ – how many previous sexual partners is deemed acceptable in a prospective partner – seems to be playing out in real life, regressive attitudes and all. For many men, body counts count: 61% say it matters to them when choosing a partner (compared to 51% of women).

When is a body count too high? The most popular answer, chosen by 28% of the men who cared at all, was ‘more than ten’. For women, the point where body count became a problem was ‘more than 25’.

Interestingly, Gen Z may be more puritanical on this topic than their elders. Of those GQ surveyed, 71% of 16-24 year olds said that body count mattered to them – higher than for both 25-34 year olds and 35-44 year olds.

We’re living in the age of non-monogamy

Is it possible, or even desirable, to get everything we need from one person? In 2023, it seems the shape of relationships may slowly be being redrawn, from the traditional two to something more bendable.

Much has been written in recent years about the rise of consensual non-monogamy, with increasing numbers of couples looking to renegotiate the terms of sexual exclusivity. The pandemic led many people to reexamine what makes them happy and lean into sexual experimentation, while the steep rise in popularity of kink dating app Feeld suggests a more open-minded approach to sex may be emerging.

In GQ’s survey, nearly half of men (47%) would consider a relationship that isn’t monogamous, and surprising numbers are already: 9% of men said they are in a polyamorous relationship right now, while 12% said they are in a consensually non-monogamous or open relationship.

On the topic of cheating, 60% of men said they have had an affair, compared to only 32% of women. But when asked whether, in 2023, following or interacting with people on social media can constitute cheating, there was greater unanimity – 37% of men and 32% of women agreed it can.

Porn is making us feel worse

The Covid pandemic saw an increase in the use of internet porn, but porn consumption still skews heavily male – our survey results found that nearly three times as many men (61%) watch it regularly than women (22%). For a quarter of men, that means every 2-3 days (compared to 14% who use it every day, and 23% who do so once a week).

Despite how embedded pornography is in their lives, many men reported that porn has a negative impact on their emotional or mental health. Of the men who watch porn, 54% said it makes them feel self-conscious about their sexual performance, more than half (53%) said it makes them feel self-conscious about their bodies and 42% said it left them with feelings of guilt or self-loathing. In addition, 30% said it has left them feeling confused about their sexual preferences. In that sense, porn is becoming like social media: we know it is bad for us, we dislike ourselves for doing it, but we can’t seem to stop.

It’s not all solo viewing, though. Of the men we surveyed, 43% said they have watched porn with their partner, and 25% do so regularly. There was also evidence that good old-fashioned sex with a person isn’t over quite yet: when asked to rank sexual activities in order of how exciting they are, sex with a person was significantly higher (38%) than using pornography (7%).

We’re thinking (and worrying) about kids

It’s not just sex, dating and relationships that feel in flux. With birth rates declining around the world and first-time parents getting older on average than ever before in the west, expectations and attitudes surrounding parenthood are also being rewritten.

Recent research is putting rened weight behind the idea of a male biological clock, and there’s evidence that fertility is a growing concern for men: 40% said it was something they worry about, compared to 39% of women. Responsibilities around childcaring are also changing; 29% of men surveyed said they would consider raising children independently.

All together? It paints a messy picture of modern love. There are signs of progress: 61% of men said that they understood consent better after the cultural conversations post-MeToo (63% of people in total). But that can feel hard to square with the 12% of men said they’d find someone who’d had more than one sexual partner off-putting.

In short: we still have a lot left to figure out, and much more to discuss. Finding ways to acknowledge this and create the space for a better kind of conversation is, perhaps, its own kind of progress. That’s why we’re kicking off our Modern Lovers week with a series of stories about the realities and intricacies of this new landscape, from dating with borderline personality disorder to those battling post-natal depression, the people in love with AI-powered dolls and those trying to overcome their own ‘weaponised incompetence’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What makes for a ‘great’ sex life?

— Research into intimacy upends many popular notions about sexual fulfillment. One hint: It’s more about connection than technique.

By Nicola Jones

The unhappiest time in a sex therapist’s office is around Valentine’s Day, says Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, a professor in the faculty of medicine at the University of Ottawa. “It’s the day where I see the most miserable couples, the most distressed couples,” she says.

High pressure and expectations can prove an explosive combination for people already struggling with their sex lives. Sex, it turns out, isn’t as easy or simple as popular culture might lead us to believe.

Kleinplatz, trained as a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, has spent many years untangling the many reasons for sexual dissatisfaction. In 2018, she authored a review of the history of treatment of female dysfunctions in the Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, examining the controversial ways in which women’s sexuality in particular has been viewed and treated over the decades, and what might be the best way forward. She is director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences research team at the University of Ottawa; in 2020, she coauthored the book Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, inspired by findings from her long-term study of couples.

The recommendations from her and her colleagues’ research about how to build a more connected, fulfilling sex life are now being fine-tuned and rolled out on sex therapists’ couches. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

One reason couples wind up in your office is a mismatch in desire: Perhaps one partner wants sex multiple times a day, and another less than once a month. How common is this?

This is the most common presenting problem in the offices of sex therapists.

The reason couples show up in our offices is not because of a problem in one or in the other, but because there’s a discrepancy between them, which we refer to as sexual desire discrepancy.

This can be problematic because sexuality represents such a central part of one’s identity. The feelings of rejection when your partner doesn’t feel like having sex, and the feelings of obligation when you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, are enormous. A lot of couples end up resting their self-concept on whether or not they’re matching up well with their partner in terms of desire and frequency.

Let’s look at both sides of that coin. First, we have people with a very high sex drive. Is that a “disorder”?

If we look at the early editions of the diagnostic manual known as the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) from the American Psychiatric Association in the 1950s, it listed problems of having too much desire. In women, this was referred to as nymphomania; the corresponding diagnosis for men is satyriasis. The diagnosis of nymphomania in a woman was fairly serious. A possible treatment for it in the 1950s was electroconvulsive therapy or frontal lobotomy. Men who had lots and lots of sex, and lots and lots of sexual desire, were generally not given a diagnosis and instead perceived as normal.

Then along comes the sexual revolution. And all of a sudden, the idea that “too much” was pathological was jettisoned. In 1980, the DSM-III got rid of the diagnoses of too much desire and replaced them with the diagnosis of too little desire. Theoretically, our diagnoses are supposed to be objective, empirical, value-free. But the history of how we diagnose reveals a great deal about sexual and social values.

How has the clinical perception of low desire changed over time for men and women?

In 1980, the DSM authors also said, “We need to do something about the gender bias that was there in the first DSM and DSM-II.” From 1987, they called it “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” for both men and women, when low desire causes distress.

But by the time we get to the DSM-V of 2013, they changed their minds again. They decided to have erectile dysfunction and hypoactive sexual desire disorder, separate, for men. But for women, they said to collapse them to “female sexual interest/arousal disorder.”

Low sex desire might simply be good judgment. “It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.”

Was this decision to lump together desire and arousal a good idea? And by desire, we are talking about the frequency of wanting sex or having sexual fantasies; by arousal, we mean the physiological and psychological response to sexual stimuli.

I think it’s the obligation of clinicians to tease things apart. If you were to walk into your physician’s office and say, “I have a stomachache,” it’s the physician’s job to figure out if you ate something that gave you food poisoning, or if you’ve got an ulcer, or if you’ve got some kind of cancer in your abdomen, right? So I think that when it comes to sexual problems, it’s equally important for the onus to be on the clinician to tease out whether it’s a problem related to arousal or desire, regardless of whether your patient is male, female, trans, non-binary, etcetera.

Some clinicians might recommend compromise in a couple facing sexual desire discrepancy. Is that a good idea?

That is ill-advised. Neither partner is getting what’s actually desired. What clinicians will end up with is resentful patients who don’t trust their judgment.

One of the reasons it doesn’t work is because the clinician is being trapped into treating a symptom of a problem, framed in terms of frequency, rather than getting to the heart of what this symptom represents. It might represent an interpersonal problem, such as difficulty managing conflict. Or it might have to do with the quality of the sex itself.

“The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad.”

What looks like a problem of low sexual desire might be evidence of good judgment, perhaps even good taste. If I asked you to think about the last time you had sex, and what feelings come up inside of you, what I’m interested in is the extent to which the feelings that are brought forth within you are more like anticipation, as in “I want more of that,” or more like dread. It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.

If the problem is bad sex, and the solution is better sex — magnificent sex, even! — has there been much scholarly research about that?

The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad. But most people don’t want sex that’s merely “not bad,” or that is mediocre. Most people want sex that makes them feel alive in one another’s embrace. In 2005, our research team began to study people who were having deeply fulfilling sexual encounters. We wanted to study what they were doing right, so that we could learn from them.

Who were these people — whom did you speak with?

Based on my clinical experience, some of the people who had impressed me most were people in their 60s, 70s and 80s who — because of life changes, perhaps disease, or disability, or becoming empty nesters or losing someone close to them — had to reinvent sex. It occurred to me to study other people who’ve been marginalized, who had similarly been forced to reinvent, redefine or re-envision sex.

And so we studied various kinds of sexual-, gender- and relationship-minority individuals: people in their 60s, 70s and 80s; people who are LGBTQ+; people who were in consensually non-monogamous relationships, people who are into kink, etc. All of these people had had to make conscious choices about what they wanted their sex lives to look like.

For the very first study, which we describe in our book, we studied 75 people, interviewing each for 42 minutes to nearly two hours.

What did you learn about magnificent sex? Is it all about orgasms?

Contrary to what we hear in the mainstream media that great sex is all about tips and tricks and techniques and toys that culminate in earth-shattering orgasm, among the individuals we have studied and have come to call “extraordinary lovers,” orgasms were neither necessary nor sufficient components of “magnificent sex.” The qualities that made sex worth wanting were deeper, and less technique-focused.

Each erotic experience is different, but virtually all the extraordinary lovers described the same eight components and seven facilitating factors.

What were these components and facilitating factors?

Two of the components that people tended to mention fairly often were being embodied, absorbed in the moment, really present and alive; and being in sync with and connected to the other person, so merged that you couldn’t tell where one person started and the other person stopped. It’s quite something to be fully embodied within, while simultaneously really in sync with, another human being.

The other components included: erotic intimacy, empathic communication, being authentic, vulnerability, exploring risk-taking and fun, and transcendence. By empathic communication, I don’t just mean verbal communication; I mean being so in tune with your partner that you can practically feel in your own skin the way that your partner wants to be touched most. One participant described transcendence as: “An expe­rience of floating in the universe of light and stars and music and sublime peace.”

Were there revealing differences between, say, men and women?

When one partner wants more — or less — sex than the other, compromise is not the answer.

In the literature they often presume, and maybe even have evidence for, differences between men and women, the young and the old, the LGBTQ versus the straight, the monogamous versus the non-monogamous, etcetera. But in our research, we found that the experience of what we have come to call “magnificent sex” was indistinguishable between these different groups.

There were only two people — me and my then-doctoral student Dana Ménard, now Dr. Dana Ménard at the University of Windsor — who knew who was whom. All the other members of the research team saw only de-identified, written transcripts. And they would look at the transcripts and make assumptions about the participant’s identity and their guesses were inaccurate. The people they thought were men turned out to be women, people they thought were kinky were people who identified instead as vanilla, and vice versa. What it takes to make a person glow in the dark was virtually universal among our participants.

Did you hear any particularly striking stories?

There was one couple that we interviewed, for example, who were both in their 70s, semi-retired. These individuals said: “We used to have sex three times a week. Well, we’re in our 70s now, so we only have sex once a week. When we get home from work on Thursday, we head into our kitchen to begin ‘foreplay’: chop up fruits, vegetables, enough healthy things so that we have enough food to last us until we go back to work on Monday morning, without ever having to get out of bed. We don’t have to do the dishes. We don’t have anything else to do except to have sex with each other for three-and-a-half days. So, we only have sex once a week now. But it lasts from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning.”

That’s an extraordinary example, but it really speaks to a recurring theme in your book of being willing to devote considerable energy, time and dedication to the pursuit of a good sex life.

Yes. One of the myths that we hear constantly in the mainstream media is that sex should be natural and spontaneous. And we see that same myth reiterated in porn. The reality is that extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits. That’s a crucial lesson for all of us. Great lovers are made, not born.

Has your research led to clinical applications?

Around 2012, we started to study: How might we take the lessons from the extraordinary lovers and apply them to couples who were suffering from sexual desire discrepancy? And could it actually help them?

A lot of psychotherapy is expensive. And it’s out of reach of people with limited budgets or limited insurance. Given that one of the foundations of our work as a research team has been social justice, we decided to be as inclusive as possible by setting up group therapy. We developed an eight-week intervention helping couples to become more vulnerable, authentic, playful and so on.

Does it work?

We now have spent 10 years researching this — and, it works. That’s the short version.

“Extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits.”

On two psychometric scales of sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, we find clinically meaningful and statistically significant change in couples from the beginning of the intervention to the end. But the really valuable thing is that the changes seem to be sustained six months later: There are enduring changes in their sexual fulfillment. Participants describe marked improvements in trust, creativity, embodiment, negotiation of consent and empathic communication.

How did the pandemic affect your work?

Even in the first year of pandemic we were hearing that there were more and more couples struggling, because they were home 24/7, working from home 24/7, taking care of their kids 24/7. Marriages were strained.

We moved the group therapy online, using a platform compliant with HIPAA (the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) for the sake of security and confidentiality. And our data, much, to my astonishment, showed that the online group therapy is every bit as effective, which makes it even more accessible to more people. It means that they don’t have to pay for parking, pay for babysitters, worry about winter driving or how to find a sex therapist in the middle of Iowa. We’re now training people all over the world who are getting the same effective outcomes.

What’s your focus on now? Any new projects in the works?

Our focus now is on offering this approach to therapy for another group of people who may really need it: couples facing cancer. Cancer itself can be devastating to a person’s sex life, as can chemotherapy, radiation and the surgeries that are often required to save people’s lives. So that’s our current endeavor: applying what we’ve learned during Covid-19 about the effectiveness of online group therapy to couples facing cancer at every stage from diagnosis through survivorship. Why not embrace life for as long as we live?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to drink to last longer in bed?

— Your full cocktail breakdown

By Amber Smith

Sexual performance is a topic that many people are interested in improving. While there are a variety of methods and techniques to improve performance, including exercise, meditation, and communication with partners, there is also a growing interest in using specific foods and drinks to enhance sexual endurance.

One drink in particular that has gained popularity for its potential to improve sexual performance is the “bedroom cocktail.” This cocktail is made up of a blend of ingredients that are believed to increase blood flow, boost libido, and enhance stamina, all of which can contribute to longer-lasting and more satisfying sexual experiences.

But what exactly is in a bedroom cocktail, and does it really work? In this article, you can take a closer look at the various ingredients commonly found in these cocktails and examine the evidence for their effectiveness. From caffeine and ginseng to cacao and maca, we’ll provide a breakdown of each ingredient and explain how it may help improve sexual performance. So, whether you’re looking for a new way to spice up your sex life or simply curious about the science behind these cocktails, read on for the full breakdown on what to drink to last longer in bed.

Best Drinks to Last Longer in Bed

  1. Pomegranate juice combined with Elm and Rye Libido supplement
  2. Beet Juice
  3. Milk
  4. Caffeinated Drinks
  5. Aloe Vera Juice
  6. Banana Shake
  7. Dark Chocolate Smoothie

What causes issues with not lasting longer in bed?

There are many factors that can contribute to issues with not lasting longer in bed, including physical, psychological, and emotional factors. Here are some of the most common causes:

  • Anxiety and Stress: Performance anxiety, stress, and pressure to perform can all contribute to premature ejaculation or difficulty maintaining an erection.
  • Relationship Problems: Issues within a relationship, such as communication problems or lack of intimacy, can also impact sexual performance.
  • Medical Conditions: Certain medical conditions, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or prostate problems, can affect sexual function.
  • Hormonal Imbalances: Hormonal imbalances, such as low testosterone levels, can also impact sexual performance.
  • Substance Use: Substance use, such as excessive alcohol consumption or drug use, can interfere with sexual performance.
  • Age: As men age, it’s common for sexual function to decline, including a decrease in libido and difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection.
  • Lack of Physical Exercise: Not engaging in regular physical exercise can lead to poor blood circulation and overall physical health, which can impact sexual function.

You can be suffering from a combination of all of these or just some, but the most common reasons why a man has issues lasting longer in bed is due to at least one of the above reasons. Take a moment to evaluate your life to determine if you need to discuss your issue with a doctor, or make lifestyle habit changes to overcome this issue.

In some milder cases, such as having an issue with lasting longer due to diet changes or anxiety, a drink to later longer in bed may just help you resolve the issue quickly.

When is the best time to drink a bedroom cocktail?

The timing for taking a bedroom cocktail can vary depending on the specific ingredients and the desired effects. However, in general, it’s recommended to take the cocktail about 30 minutes to an hour before sexual activity.

This allows time for the ingredients to be absorbed into the bloodstream and begin to take effect. It’s also important to follow the recommended dosage and not exceed it, as some ingredients can have adverse effects in high doses.

It’s worth noting that a bedroom cocktail should not be relied on as a sole solution for sexual performance issues. It’s important to also prioritize healthy lifestyle habits, such as regular exercise, a balanced diet, and good sleep hygiene, which can all contribute to overall sexual health and performance.

Additionally, communication with a partner is crucial for a satisfying sexual experience, and seeking professional help from a healthcare provider or therapist may be necessary for more serious performance issues.

What herbs help you get hard?

If you’re not into drinking an entire drink to last longer in bed, you can always find a way to incorporate some of the herbs that help you get hard. These are great to mix in with caffeinated beverages, or to take as a supplement with Elm and Rye libido drink to last longer in bed.

Panax ginseng

Also known as Korean ginseng, this herb has been used for centuries as an aphrodisiac and to improve erectile function. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve sexual performance in men with erectile dysfunction (ED).

Maca

This root vegetable from Peru has been used for its aphrodisiac properties for centuries. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve sexual function and desire, particularly in men with mild to moderate ED.

Horny goat weed

This herb has been used in traditional Chinese medicine for centuries as a natural aphrodisiac. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve sexual function and desire in men with ED.

Tribulus terrestris

This herb has been traditionally used to enhance sexual function and improve libido. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve erectile function and sexual desire in men with ED.

As you can see there are plenty of ways to help you drink to last longer in bed, just remember that using alcoholic beverages may be a bad idea. While some people can benefit from one night lasting longer in bed, having alcoholic drinks to last longer in bed is not an excellent long-term solution to erectile dysfunction and sexual stamina.

Now that you know more about the herbs and drinks that last longer in bed, it’s time to elaborate more on the top drinks recommended earlier in this article. Below you’ll find your full cocktail breakdown, including why each of the recommended drinks to last longer in bed will help you improved your sex life soon.

1. Pomegranate juice combined with Elm and Rye Libido supplement

Combining the Elm and Rye libido supplement with pomegranate juice is a full cocktail blend to help improve stamina and last longer in bed. Elm and Rye libido supplements are traditionally used to boost libido and enhance sexual performance. They contain all the right ingredients to help with testosterone levels, improve blood flow, and enhance stamina.

Pomegranate juice, on the other hand, is rich in antioxidants and nitrates that can help protect against oxidative damage and inflammation in the body. It also improves energy levels and enhances blood flow to the genital area, which can help improve sexual function.

When combined, these ingredients may work together to enhance sexual performance and increase stamina. The elm and rye libido supplement can help improve blood flow and boost testosterone levels, while the pomegranate juice can help improve energy levels and enhance blood flow to the genital area, which can help improve sexual function.

2. Beet Juice

Beet juice is a popular drink to last longer in bed as it’s been said to help improve sexual performance and increase stamina. This is because beets contain nitrates that help improve blood flow by relaxing blood vessels and increasing the availability of oxygen in the body. By doing so, beet juice can help you last longer in bed by improving blood flow and increasing stamina.

Firstly, beet juice contains nitrates which convert into nitric oxide in the body. Nitric oxide is a vasodilator that relaxes blood vessels, allowing for better blood flow throughout the body. Improved blood flow can help enhance sexual performance by increasing sensitivity and arousal.

Secondly, beet juice can help increase stamina and energy levels during sexual activity by delivering more oxygen and nutrients to the muscles, reducing fatigue, and increasing endurance.

It’s important to note that while the benefits of beet juice on sexual performance are not scientifically proven, some studies suggest that it may have a positive impact. Beet juice has numerous other health benefits, such as improving cardiovascular health and reducing inflammation, which may indirectly contribute to better sexual function.

3. Milk

Milk is a good source of calcium, vitamin D, and protein, all of which are important for maintaining bone health, muscle function, and overall well-being. Adequate levels of these nutrients may indirectly support sexual function and help reduce stress and anxiety levels, which can impact sexual performance.

Additionally, milk contains the amino acid tryptophan, which is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood and reduce stress. Reduced stress levels can help improve sexual function and increase sexual satisfaction.

4. Caffeinated Drinks

Caffeine is a natural central nervous system stimulant that can help increase mental alertness and physical energy levels. This may help improve focus and concentration during sexual activity, reducing distractions and enhancing pleasure.

Caffeine can also help increase endurance and reduce fatigue by stimulating the release of adrenaline, a hormone that prepares the body for physical activity. This can help men sustain sexual activity for a longer period, allowing them to last longer in bed.

However, it’s important to note that excessive caffeine consumption can lead to negative side effects, such as anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia, which may impact sexual function. Additionally, excessive caffeine intake can increase blood pressure and heart rate, which may be dangerous for individuals with certain medical conditions.

5. Aloe Vera Juice

Aloe vera is a succulent plant that has been used for centuries for its medicinal properties. Aloe vera juice is made by extracting the gel from the plant and mixing it with water or other liquids. It is known for its anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties, and is often used to treat various health conditions such as digestive issues, skin problems, and even diabetes.

Studies have shown that aloe vera juice can also impact testosterone levels in men. Testosterone is an important hormone that is responsible for male sexual characteristics, as well as muscle mass, bone density, and overall energy levels. Low testosterone levels can lead to a variety of health problems, including fatigue, decreased libido, and even depression.

One study conducted on rats found that aloe vera supplementation increased testosterone levels and sperm quality. While more research is needed to confirm these findings in humans, there is evidence to suggest that aloe vera juice may have similar effects.

In addition to its potential impact on testosterone levels, aloe vera juice is also rich in vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients that can benefit overall health. For example, it contains vitamin C, which is important for immune function and collagen production, and vitamin E, which has antioxidant properties and can help protect against chronic diseases.

6. Banana Shake

Due to the presence of bromelain in bananas, a component known for its enzyme properties, banana shakes are a rich source of enzymes. This may potentially aid in improving sexual energy and libido. Consuming a banana shake on a daily basis is recommended, as it contains essential vitamins and nutrients that can increase energy levels and stamina.

7. Dark Chocolate Smoothie

Dark chocolate is rich in flavonoids, a type of antioxidant that has been shown to have many potential health benefits, including improving blood flow and reducing inflammation. Improved blood flow to the genital area can potentially aid in achieving and maintaining an erection.

One study conducted on male participants found that those who consumed a daily dose of cocoa powder over a period of several weeks experienced improvements in erectile function compared to those who did not consume cocoa powder. However, it’s important to note that this study used pure cocoa powder, not dark chocolate, and more research is needed to confirm these findings.

In addition to its potential impact on sexual function, dark chocolate is also known to contain various other nutrients and compounds that can benefit overall health. For example, it contains magnesium, which is important for muscle and nerve function, and iron, which is essential for blood production.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do Penis Pumps Work?

— Tips on How to Safely Use a Penis Pump

Sexual health and wellness are vital parts of most adults’ lives. Unfortunately, your sex life can be impacted by reproductive health disorders or other factors. For example, one way that cis-men and people with penises try to enhance their erectile functioning and sexual satisfaction is through the use of penis pumps. However, do penis pumps actually work, and — how do you use them?

By Natasha Weiss

  • Penis pumps are non-invasive medical devices used to help create erections.
  • <Penis pumps work by increasing blood flow to the penis to help people who have trouble achieving or maintaining erections.
  • Penis pumps can be used for erectile dysfunction stemming from several causes as well as to address issues like Peyronie’s disease.
  • There is limited data to support the efficacy of penis pumps; however, they are relatively low risk when used correctly.

What is a penis pump?

Penis pumps, also known as vacuum erection devices, are non-invasive medical devices that use vacuum pressure to create an erection. They are mostly used by cis-men or people with penises who have difficulty achieving or maintaining erections.

How does a penis pump work? The basic design of a penis pump typically consists of a plastic cylinder placed over the penis, creating a vacuum seal around the base of the penis. A manual or battery-powered pump is then used to remove the air from the cylinder, which creates negative pressure and draws blood into the penis, resulting in an erection.

Penis pumps are available in various sizes and styles and may include additional features such as a pressure gauge or a release valve to prevent over-pumping. Some models also come with constriction rings or bands that can be placed at the base of the penis to help maintain the erection.

There are several types of penis pumps:

  • Vacuum pump
  • Hydro pump
  • Air vacuum pump
  • Battery powered pump

How to use a penis pump

Looking for guidance on how to use a penis pump? Before using one, it’s important to consult with a healthcare provider to ensure it is safe and appropriate for your situation. They can also provide guidance on how to use the device properly and offer tips on maximizing its effectiveness.

Directions for penis pumps vary by manufacturer, but common guidelines include:

  • Use a small amount of water-soluble lubricant on the penis and around the opening of your device.
  • Place the tube over the penis.
  • Create a vacuum by using the pump to pull air out of the tube. Blood will start to flow to the penis, causing an erection.
  • To maintain erection, slide the band off the tube and onto the base of the penis before removing the tube.
  • You can use more lubricant to help remove the band.

Avoid using too much pressure, as this can lead to injury. Don’t leave the band on for more than 30 minutes, and wait 60 minutes between uses of your device.

Penis pump benefits

One of the key benefits of penis pumps is that they can be used by people dealing with erectile dysfunction (ED) as a non-invasive alternative to medications or surgery. This is because the suction mechanism of a penis pump increases blood flow to the genitals, filling the blood vessels in the penis so that they swell and lead to an erection.

Penis pumps may also benefit people affected by Peyronie’s disease, a condition that causes the penis to curve during an erection. One study found that after 12 weeks, participants had a statistically significant improvement in penile length, angle, and a decrease in pain after using a vacuum pump.

Do penis pumps work for penis enlargement?

Some manufacturers even claim that penis pumps can be used for penis enlargement. However, do penis enlargement pumps work? Another study found that after six months of use, the mean penile length had increased from 7.6 to 7.9 cm, which is not a significant difference. In addition, while the treatment was only about 10% effective, the patient satisfaction rate was 30%, indicating more psychological gratification than actual changes.

Can penis pumps help with ED?

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a condition where someone has difficulty achieving or sustaining an erection. About 1 in 10 males deal with erectile dysfunction that interferes with their sex lives long-term. Erectile dysfunction becomes more common with age and can be caused by vascular disorders that affect blood flow to the penis, neurological conditions like multiple sclerosis, mental health issues, and injuries.

One of the main reasons people use penis pumps is to help treat erectile dysfunction. So, do penis pumps work for ED? Some research suggests they do. For example, one study found that 26 out of 28 men (93%) were satisfied after using a vacuum erection device for erectile dysfunction.

Do penis pumps actually work?

Some things may seem too good to be true, so the question is, “Do penis pumps work?” Well, that depends on several factors. The effectiveness of penis pumps varies depending on the severity of erectile dysfunction, someone’s overall health, the quality of the device, and whether they’re using it correctly.

There is research that backs up the effectiveness of penis pumps for erectile dysfunction and Peyronie’s disease — but there are limited studies with small sample sizes. That being said, they’re relatively easy to use, with few risks, especially when compared to the potential risks of other treatments like medication.

While penis pumps may benefit people in the short term, they don’t address the underlying cause of erectile dysfunction or what may be interfering with your sex life. So it’s also important to be aware of their potential risks.

Are there any risks associated with penis pumps?

Is a penis pump safe? While penis pumps are generally considered safe, there are some risks associated with their use.

When using one, the penis can become slightly cool to the touch and blue-purple. You can apply a warm compress to help warm the penis before sex. Some people don’t ejaculate when climaxing after using a penis pump, as wearing a band can stop semen from passing. However, it’s important to note that this is not an effective method of birth control.

Additionally, over-pumping can cause bruising, small red spots on the skin (petechiae), swelling, and pain, and may even damage the blood vessels and tissues in the penis. Prolonged use of a penis pump can also lead to decreased sensitivity or numbness in the penis.

Furthermore, it is important to use the device as directed and talk to a healthcare provider before using a penis pump, especially if you have a history of blood clotting disorders, Peyronie’s disease, other medical conditions, or if you’re taking blood-thinning medications.

What else can help improve sexual function?

Penis pumps aren’t the only option for treating erectile dysfunction and enhancing sexual wellness. Here are some other ways you can improve sexual function:

  • Oral medications. Sildenafil (Viagra) or tadalafil (Cialis) can help increase blood flow to the penis.
  • Penile injections. Medications are injected directly into the penis to help improve blood flow.
  • Lifestyle changes. That includes maintaining a healthy weight, quitting smoking, and getting regular exercise.
  • Mental health support. It’s essential to address psychological factors that may be affecting sexual function.
  • Penile implants. It involves implanting an inflatable device to help create an erection.
  • Surgery. Applies for treating Peyronie’s disease.

While penis implants may help some people, there is limited data to support their use. In addition, what works best for each individual may vary depending on the underlying cause of their sexual dysfunction. A healthcare provider can help determine the most appropriate treatment plan based on a patient’s individual needs and medical history.

Can penis pumps enlarge my penis?

Penis pumps may increase penis size temporarily, but not by a significant amount. This is thanks to an increase in blood flow in the penis, which can help create more length and girth, and promote sexual function. Results vary from person to person, but typically last around 30 minutes.

Is it risky to use penis pumps?

Penis pumps can cause side effects like bruising and swelling, but they are relatively low risk when used correctly. Using them too frequently or for long periods of time can potentially cause tissue damage to the penis, impairing erections and sexual function.

Are penis pumps medically approved?

Yes, penis pumps are medically approved devices that originally required a prescription to obtain – some insurance companies will even cover the cost of a penis pump. Now, there are more on the market that don’t require prescriptions, but a medically approved device that’s approved by your doctor is the safest choice.

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How to Be Good at Sex

By Tom Rasmussen

I’m lying there in the dark, and it’s just not that good. I’ve had mind-blowing sex before, and I am going to have it again. But tonight I’m tired from work; the dog has diarrhea; it’s really cold; I’m kind of worried about money. And the sex just isn’t that good.

As I lie there in the dark, I start to recall memories buried deep about other times the sex wasn’t that good. There was the time I cried during and again after because I couldn’t stop thinking about my grandma who had just passed. There was that time when I said yes but I just meant “if it’ll get you off my back” and I just lay there like a jelly baby—stiff yet somehow squidgy. He’ll never text me again. There was the time when he hadn’t showered and I just couldn’t break past an unnameable smell, so I just sort of idly let him masturbate onto my face while holding my breath for as long as possible. And then there were all the times that I have forgotten where the sex was just a nothing: functional at best but forgettable entirely.

Up to now I have prided myself on being a good shag. My friends and I often categorize people behind their backs as shaggers or not. And I am definitely a shagger. (Quick aside here, just so you can play the game too: A shagger can shag all night; a shagger would rather lose sleep if it meant having a shag; a shagger isn’t super picky—they love both the person they are having sex with and the act of sex itself; a shagger may not shower after sex—but in a hot way.)

Being a shagger, before my friends and I coined the term, kind of became my identity in my 20s. Because in order to grapple with being gay in public, declaring myself the biggest slut at the dinner table was a way to get ahead of the shame I felt for being gay: I’ll control the narrative before it can be controlled for me—classic PR. In this strange space of gay-slut visibility, I would bulldoze all conversations with the most outrageous thing I could think of, and for the most part, it worked: impressing dinner partygoers the city over, as I would regale them with stories that made them feel like downright sluts by proxy.

But here I lie in the dark, worried this power might be ebbing from me. Oh fuck! I think, I’ve lost the golden goose, I’ve dropped the Holy Grail and it’s shattered all over the floor.

Monday comes and I’m thinking about this a lot. I’m pacing up and down and thinking about all the times I was not only a mediocre shag but a bad one. There was the time I stopped halfway through, the time I fell asleep with my ex-boyfriend, the time he just turned around and was like, “Sorry, this just isn’t working for me.” I decide to ask my husband, and he tells me that I’m the best sex he’s ever had. Whatever. He took vows.

I message someone I’m seeing: You’re brilliant, he replies. Sure. He has to say that. I go on to a dating app and message someone I slept with a week ago, and he replies, “Had a great time, we should do it again.” I don’t really want to, so I reply and say, “Sure! Would be lovely!” knowing I’ll forget his name in a few weeks.

How can I know if I’m good at something? Can I be good at something all the time? Can I be anything all the time? I have a friend who is a devout vegan, but every now and then, when she gets super drunk, she will eat a bucket of chicken wings. When I first found out, I was quick to judge, even though I’m a carnivore. And she said that it’s better to be a vegan 98% of the time, surely.

She’s right. One simply can’t be 100% anything at all times—there is no surefire way to get a five-star rating on my performance during sex, just like I can’t on Uber, it seems. And that’s because both sex and riding in Ubers involve another person with their own context, their own standards, their own history, and their own consciousness. That is why sex is so exciting—it’s a collaboration, an equation. Not just a reflection.

The bad sex in my life has been exactly the latter. It’s been about the sublimation of one ego over another or the struggle between whose ego gets to be sublimated. The bad sex has been had in ignorance of my own desires, where I seek to please or modify or mutate myself around somebody else. I’m sure people have had that experience with me too and left sex that I thought was good feeling like it was awful—telling their friends they had the worst shag with someone who thought they were a shagger.

At the beginning of last year, I decided that I was going to try to have only really good sex. I was going to stop saying yes to mid sex just because having it made me feel less lonely or because it validated some indefatigable need to be shown, over and over again, that someone—anyone—wants to fuck me and that must mean that this fleshy sack of mine has some value.

Since then I have noticed much more the intricacies of pleasure. It’s like a roller-coaster ride: Sometimes I’m rising slowly, sometimes I’m thrashing down a giant rickety track, sometimes it feels euphoric, and other times it feels awful and I wonder why I decided to buckle up in the first place. The truth is that sex got better since I was able to hold the idea in my head that many things can be true at once. That sex changes minute to minute. That a deeper understanding of the other person is what I’m seeking and hopefully they are seeking that from me. Sometimes there are misunderstandings, sometimes I read a person’s signals wrong or they mine, but sometimes everyone’s needs and wants are syncopated and there you have it: mind-blowing sex.

This sex is elusive; it’s hard to find, it takes work, like all good things. We aren’t born with an innate knowledge of how to be a good lover, and what that looks like changes as we do. It is absurd and egotistical to imagine we are simply a good shag, that we can (or would want to!) do it like they do in the pornos every time and be all clean, moaning, and perfect timing. Sex is a mess, and in moving through it, working with it, taking time and care and thought, we can find pleasure. And so who knows if you’re a good lover. But one thing I do know is that I am very good (most of the time) at trying to be, and maybe—short of texting every ex a questionnaire entitled “Was I a Good Fuck?”—that’s enough.

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Erectile Dysfunction

— A Penis Problem That Is Rarely a Penis Issue

Changes in sexual function may be a sign that something else is wrong with your health.

By Chaunie Brusie, RN, BSN

If you have noticed problems with your sexual function or performance that weren’t evident previously, such as not being able to get or maintain an erection, you could have a form of erectile dysfunction (ED). The possible causes of ED are many, but very rarely is an actual physical issue with the penis to blame.

ED may feel like a physical penis problem, but it’s usually caused by another, more systemic medical issue.

“We like to say that the penis is like the canary in the coal mine,” said Miguel A. Pineda, M.D., the director of male sexual dysfunction of urology at Staten Island University Hospital in New York. “When the penis starts having dysfunction, it might be an early sign that other parts of the body, like the heart, could also start having dysfunction in the near future.”

It is important that people understand ED is often just the tip of the iceberg. It could be a sign to look deeper for other health problems.

Why ED can mean bigger problems

ED is often one of the first signs a male might have a systemic health issue. Why? Because in order for an erection to occur, there’s actually a great deal of “behind the scenes” work that has to happen, explained Kevin Chu, M.D., a urologist and men’s health specialist at Advanced Urology in Los Angeles and a co-host of the podcast “Man Up: A Doctor’s Guide to Men’s Health.”

“There are many systems within your body that work in concordance and are required for the penis to get an erection,” he said. “This includes adequate blood circulation, nerves and hormone levels. Additionally, emotional status and psychological well-being are very important. These systems act on a systematic level, so it just happens that many times the first sign there could be an issue is in the penis with erectile dysfunction.”

In other words, a successful erection requires a lot of different systems to be working properly in the body. And if there is a breakdown in any of those systems, it could manifest as ED.

Beyond the penis

Erections rely on penile tissue filling up with blood, so any circulatory system issue can impact a person’s ability to achieve an erection. Even a seemingly minor issue without other obvious symptoms could cause blood vessel damage over time that could lead to ED.

“Most of the time, [ED] is related to decreased blood flow to the penis,” Pineda explained. “When this problem with blood flow happens, it’s rarely ever just to the penis.”

Blood flow to the penis can decrease naturally as people get older, but some medical conditions accelerate the problem. These include diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol.

“Usually, the blood flow is decreased throughout the body, including a decreased blood flow to the heart, which is obviously most important,” Pineda noted.

Lifestyle factors such as smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, drug use and lack of exercise are contributors, Chu added. Obesity, too, could eventually result in lower testosterone levels, which can also contribute to erectile dysfunction.

ED isn’t just about a physical medical problem; mental health conditions can also have a direct impact on a person’s sexual function. Chu said anxiety, depression and stress are psychological ailments that can contribute to ED.

Even if a psychological issue is not a contributing factor, research suggests some sort of psychological consequence will occur once ED has manifested. ED can often lead to feelings of shame, isolation and anxiety, so it’s important to treat both the physical and emotional aspects of the condition.

In some instances, ED can be directly attributed to a physical malfunction of the penis. For instance, prostate surgery or trauma to the penis or pelvic area can have an impact on localized blood circulation or nerves that could negatively affect erectile function. Scar formation from such injuries can contribute, too.

What doctors will want to know

If you are having erectile difficulties and haven’t spoken to a doctor about your symptoms, it might be time for a checkup. A physician will most likely start with some basic bloodwork, including checking your testosterone levels, Chu said.

“It really is specialized to the assessment of the patient from the first visit,” he said. “In certain instances, I may utilize duplex ultrasounds, which evaluate penile blood flow.”

Let your doctor know what medications you are taking, what conditions you might have, what surgeries you have had and what kind of stressors you are experiencing. They all factor into an erectile dysfunction diagnosis.

Your doctor will also want to know about any significant family history, including if there’s a history of ED. The systemic issues behind the condition are often hereditary, so you may be screened for those medical conditions.

A history of coronary artery disease (CAD) is significant because it is strongly associated with ED, according to Pineda, since both are due to decreased blood flow through the arteries.

Inform your doctor if you or any first-degree relatives have other diseases that can affect the flow of blood through arteries. These include diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, which will predispose you to ED.

The assessment will also include a physical examination and a detailed medical, sexual and psychosocial history. It might sound strange, but looking beyond physical symptoms is important in both assessing and treating ED.

For instance, Chu stressed what he calls the “biopsychosocial” approach.

“All three aspects—biological, psychological and social-environmental factors—are interconnected and required for an adequate erection to be achieved,” he explained. “A lot of times, the focus is on the biological aspect, and that is what most patients only want to be forthcoming about. The psychological and social-environmental factors are just as important and should be mentioned to the doctor.”

Pineda encourages anyone who is having symptoms of ED to be honest with their doctor because treatment for ED is often available.

In addition, mentioning to your doctor that you have ED will open up the evaluation for other diseases that are related.

One of the newest ED treatments on the market is Eddie®, an FDA-registered Class II medical device designed to treat erectile dysfunction and improve male sexual performance. In 2021 clinical trials, Eddie proved effective in treating men with physically, psychologically and pharmacologically induced ED. Its penis-specific shape optimizes blood flow as it puts pressure on the veins of the penis but not the arteries. Blood can get in and is kept there.

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Exercise Can Help Men Last Longer During Sex

— A new research review concludes that running, yoga, and pelvic floor workouts can all help solve the problem of premature ejaculation.

One study found that running 30 minutes five times a week was as effective as medication for men who experience premature ejaculation.

By Becky Upham

Exercise could be as effective as pharmaceutical treatments in treating premature ejaculation, according to a new study published in the journal Trends in Urology and Men’s Health.

The review looked at 54 studies and nearly 3,500 participants to examine the effectiveness of nondrug interventions for premature ejaculation.

“We know premature ejaculation is a common complaint among men worldwide. The lack of a clear definition of what is or isn’t premature ejaculation has repercussions in terms of treatment, and there are relatively few effective drugs available,” said senior author Lee Smith, PhD, professor of public health at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, England, in a press release.

The findings of this review suggest that physical exercise, including running and pelvic floor workouts, can help treat premature ejaculation, said Dr. Smith.

How Common Is Premature Ejaculation?

Because there hasn’t been a single definition of premature ejaculation, estimates on how many men experience it vary widely, according to the U.K. researchers. Depending on the study, prevalence ranges from 30 percent to 83 percent of men, they wrote. 

Mayo Clinic defines premature ejaculation as a man ejaculating sooner than he wants to while having sex. If it happens only rarely, it isn’t cause for concern.

A man might be diagnosed with premature ejaculation in the following scenarios:

  • Always or nearly always ejaculates within 1 to 3 minutes of penetration
  • Is never or rarely able to delay ejaculation during sex
  • Feels distressed and frustrated about timing of ejaculation and tends to avoid sexual intimacy as a result

Regular Exercise Can Help Men Delay Ejaculation

The authors found that regular physical activity as an intervention had promising results in many of the studies they analyzed in their research review.

For example, a study with 105 participants found that running for 30 minutes five times a week helped extend latency time (time until ejaculation occurs) as much as taking dapoxetine, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) drug approved for use in premature ejaculation outside the United States.

Two other studies linked yoga with statistically significant improvements in delaying ejaculation.

Pelvic Floor Exercises May Also Help

Exercising pelvic floor muscles was also shown to have some benefits. Men who practiced pelvic floor exercises increased latency time from a median of 1 minute to 3 minutes.

Pelvic floor muscles play a role in ejaculation, and men who can strengthen and improve pelvic muscle control may be able to delay ejaculation by relaxing their perineal muscles, according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA).

Also called Kegel exercises, pelvic floor workouts can help strengthen these muscles, according to Mayo Clinic.

Medication for Premature Ejaculation Is Limited

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved any drugs specifically for premature ejaculation, though physicians may prescribe some medications off-label.

Topical numbing agents can reduce sensation and help delay ejaculation. There are also oral medications that may help delay orgasm, including antidepressants, pain relievers, and drugs used for erectile dysfunction, according to the American Urological Association.

“Given that drugs often have side effects, it appears that after all, the best medicine for avoiding premature ejaculation may well lie in exercise, and this possibility requires larger studies and further investigation,” said Smith.

Treating Erectile Dysfunction May Help Treat Premature Ejaculation

Some of the studies included in the review found benefits when the men with premature ejaculation were also treated for concurrent erectile dysfunction (ED), notes Raevti Bole, MD, a urologist at Cleveland Clinic, who was not involved in the research.

“I would agree that treating ED (if present) is a very important initial treatment,” she says.

It’s Important to Consider Multiple Treatment Options

Systematic reviews can be useful in that they are able to consolidate the results of many studies, says Dr. Bole.

But even a well-executed systematic review is only as good as the studies that are included, she points out. Because many of the studies the review included didn’t use the same definition of premature ejaculation, there may be different types of patients with varying degrees of premature ejaculation, says Bole.

“The studies included also had small numbers of patients, which makes it difficult to tell whether the result was due to the treatment or chance,” she adds.

Nevertheless, the review shows that it’s important to consider multiple options when treating premature ejaculation. “A lot of factors affect premature ejaculation, including hormones, stress, anxiety, prior sexual episodes, and [overall] erectile function,” she says.

Because every patient is a little different, there is no one-size-fits-all treatment. “Medication, exercise, counseling, sex therapy, yoga, pelvic floor rehabilitation, treating underlying medical conditions — all of these things play a role,” she says.

Concerned About Premature Ejaculation? Talk With Your Physician

It’s also important for patients to understand that many men may be concerned about premature ejaculation, and there’s no shame in talking about it with their doctor, says Bole.

“Many times, patients will talk to us and realize that they’re very much within normal range for ejaculatory latency. They just didn’t know what ‘normal’ was,” says Bole. “But if we do diagnose an issue, we can work together to come up with a solution.”

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When Cancer Upends Your Sex Life

— Despite a wave of new research around cancer treatment and sexual health, women say their issues are still being dismissed. Here’s how and where to get help.

By Catherine Pearson

Débora Lindley López was 28 when she was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Within three weeks, she began chemotherapy and was thrust into medically induced menopause. Ms. Lindley López developed vaginal dryness so severe that her skin began to deteriorate and was covered in small, paper cut-like tears. Urinating was uncomfortable; sex, agonizing.

But when Ms. Lindley López, now 31, told her oncologist about her vaginal pain and about how her libido had evaporated almost overnight, she said he responded dismissively, telling her that if he had a penny for every time he heard these complaints he’d be a rich man sitting on a beach. He suggested that she confide in the nurse about those symptoms, Ms. Lindley López said.

“It was awful,” she said, tearing up. “It made me feel like, how could I even be thinking about anything else other than cancer? The fact that I would even ask felt shameful.”

Cancer can devastate a woman’s sexual function in countless ways, both during treatment and for years down the road. Chemo can cause vaginal dryness and atrophy, similar to what Ms. Lindley López experienced, but it can also prompt issues like mouth sores, nausea and fatigue. Surgery, like a hysterectomy or mastectomy, can rob women of sensations integral to sexual arousal and orgasm. Pelvic radiation therapy can lead to vaginal stenosis, the shortening and narrowing of the vagina, making intercourse excruciating, if not impossible. Sadness, stress and body image issues can snuff out any sense of sexual desire.

“The damage that is done is not only physical, though women certainly experience damage to their bodies from the cancer and from the treatments,” said Dr. Elena Ratner, a gynecologic oncologist with the Yale Medicine Sexuality, Intimacy and Menopause Program. “From the diagnosis to the fear of recurrence to how they see their bodies, they feel like their whole sense of self is different.”

Over the past decade, and particularly in the last few years, there has been a marked increase in studies on how cancer upends women’s sex lives, during treatment and after. Dr. Ratner and other experts who work at the intersection of cancer care and sexual health feel encouraged that the research world has finally begun to grapple with those complex side effects — ones that had been all but ignored in previous generations of women, she said.

Just last year, for instance, a study found that 66 percent of women with cancer experienced sexual dysfunction, like orgasm problems and pain, while nearly 45 percent of young female cancer survivors remained uninterested in sex more than a year post diagnosis. Researchers also found a high prevalence of issues like vaginal dryness, fatigue and concerns around body image among women with lung cancer — findings that highlight the toll all types of cancer (not just breast or gynecologic) can take.

And yet, some of that very same research — combined with stories from patients, advocates and doctors — suggests that the increase in scientific interest has not made much of a practical difference for women. While Ms. Lindley López’s story offers an extreme example of provider indifference on the topic, experts say the challenges she faced when trying to seek help for her issues are not unique.

“The number of women affected by sexual health concerns after a cancer diagnosis is huge, and the need for these women to have access to medical care for sexual dysfunction after cancer is enormous,” said Dr. Laila Agrawal, a medical oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Norton Cancer Institute in Louisville, Ky.

“There’s a gap between the need and the availability for women to get this care.”

Why better research hasn’t really led to better treatment

Sharon Bober, a psychologist and director of the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute’s Sexual Health Program, said several factors have helped move the needle on research. For one, survivorship is growing (in 2022, there were 18.1 million male and female cancer survivors in the United States; by 2032, there are projected to be 22.5 million). There is also a greater understanding within medicine and society at large that sex and sexuality are an important component of overall health, Dr. Bober said. Since 2018, she added, the American Society of Clinical Oncology has urged providers to initiate a discussion with every adult cancer patient — female and male — about the potential effects of cancer and cancer treatment on sex.

But some women say they’re still greeted with silence.

Cynthia Johnson, a 44-year-old from Texas, who was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer at age 39, said she was “grateful for life and lifesaving treatments.” But that does not negate her frustration that not one of her doctors ever brought up her sexual health.

“They don’t tell you going into it that you are going to experience dryness. They don’t tell you that you are going to experience lack of desire,” Ms. Johnson said. “They don’t tell you that if you do, on the off chance, get in the mood to do something, it’s going to feel like razor blades.”

Surveys support her experience and also suggest there are significant gender discrepancies in who gets queried about sex. A 2020 survey of 391 cancer survivors found, for instance, that 53 percent of male patients were asked about their sexual health by a health care provider, while only 22 percent of female patients said the same. And findings presented last year at the annual meeting of the American Society for Radiation Oncology, focusing on 201 patients undergoing radiation for cervical or prostate cancer, concluded that 89 percent of men were asked about their sexual health at their initial consult, compared to 13 percent of women.

Dr. Jamie Takayesu, a radiation oncology resident physician at the University of Michigan Rogel Cancer Center and a lead author on the study, said the research was inspired by her own nagging sense that she wasn’t asking female patients about sex often enough, and she suspected her colleagues weren’t either. She has a few hypotheses about why: Prostate cancer has a high survival rate, she said, so doctors may be more inclined to focus on quality of life issues with treatment. But she also noted there were “better” and “more formalized tools” to assess sexual function in men, and that many cancer doctors — herself included — got little to no training in how to talk about sex.

Doctors say that until that changes, these types of conversations are unlikely to become standard in practice.

“This must be rolled into routine inquiry, so that it’s not something special or different, and it’s not based on a health care provider’s perspective about whether someone is sexually active,” Dr. Bober said. “I’ve had so many women say to me over time, ‘Nobody asked.’”

How and where to get help

Despite those significant headwinds, effective treatment options and interventions do exist.

Both Dr. Ratner and Dr. Bober work in multidisciplinary sexual health programs that, in many ways, represent the gold standard of care. A patient might see a gynecologist, a pelvic floor therapist who can help with treatment options like dilator therapy and a psychologist who can address emotional struggles. (Dr. Bober said that, until very recently, she could probably count the number of these centers on one hand; now she estimates there are “more than 10 and under 100” nationwide.)

A year and a half after her cancer diagnosis, Ms. Lindley López drove to one such center at Northwestern University in Chicago. At her visit, she saw a clinical sexologist who teared up during the pelvic exam. “She said, ‘You’re 29 and your vaginal area looks like you’re about 80,’” Ms. Lindley López recalled. The sexologist gave her information about laser therapy vaginal rejuvenation and recommended several estrogen creams to help with vaginal atrophy.

It was comforting “just sitting down in that office, and having someone put her hand on my shoulder and say: ‘Hey, this is important. And anybody who tells you that this is not important, is wrong,’” Ms. Lindley López said.

While they are becoming more plentiful, these types of programs still tend to exist in large hospitals or major urban cancer centers and many women in the United States may not live close enough, or have the resources or health insurance coverage, to regularly access such care. But even if going to a sexual health center is not possible, most women just need a “home base,” said Lisa Egan, a physician assistant with a focus on gynecologic oncology who leads the Sexual Health in Women Impacted by Cancer Program at Oregon Health & Science University.

Who that “home base” is can vary; it just needs to be a provider that offers help and support. Ms. Egan said it could be the patient’s primary care doctor or a cancer doctor or nurse; Dr. Bober said it might be a gynecologist or a sex therapist. Dr. Agrawal also noted that the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health had a database of providers who focused at least partially on female sexual health issues, so it could be a useful jumping-off point. To ascertain if providers are in a good position to help, it may be useful to ask outright about what their experience has been helping women with sexual dysfunction during and after cancer, and if they would feel comfortable helping you put together a plan for addressing your concerns — even if that means referring you out to other clinicians, Dr. Bober said.

All of the doctors interviewed for this story also noted that online communities and advocacy groups could be helpful resources. Ms. Johnson, for instance, is an ambassador at For the Breast of Us, which provides community and support for women of color impacted by breast cancer; Ms. Lindley López works for the Young Survival Coalition, a nonprofit focusing specifically on the needs of young adults with breast cancer. These kinds of groups offer a platform for women to swap information, connect with providers and find solidarity — particularly as the medical world struggles to fully address their needs.

“I really want women with cancer to know that sexual health problems are treatable medical problems, and they can get better,” Dr. Agrawal said. “I just want to offer that out as hope.”

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What to Do When You Have Mismatched Libido in a Relationship

— A mismatched libido, also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is a common issue in relationships that occurs when one partner has higher or lower sex drive than the other. While a difference in sexual desire in couples is normal, it may cause a lot of stress for some couples. Luckily, there are ways to help mitigate this difference, including scheduling sex, exploring intimacy without sex, self-pleasure, and therapy.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • A mismatched libido, also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is a common issue in relationships where one partner desires sex more than the other.
  • Several factors influence sexual desire, including stress, fatigue, hormones, pregnancy, medications, and illness. As partners experience these factors at different stages throughout their life, a mismatched libido is normal and may come and go.
  • If you and your partner are experiencing a mismatched libido and it is troubling you, you can have a pleasurable and satisfying sex life by being understanding, using good communication, and compromising.

What is a mismatched libido?

A mismatched libido, which is also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is when each person within a relationship has a different level of sexual desire than the other. There are a number of factors that can influence a person’s sexual desire, including:

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Relationship problems
  • Trauma
  • Pregnancy
  • Menopause
  • Pain during sex
  • Self-esteem
  • Illness
  • Certain medications

As these factors influence a person’s sexual desire, a mismatched libido is not necessarily permanent, and some couples could experience a change in their sexual desire for a brief period in their relationships. For example, a couple may experience mismatched libido during pregnancy and postpartum, but their desire may return to previous levels once the child is sleeping through the night.

It’s important to note that the stereotype surrounding men having higher rates of desire, and women having lower rates, is not true and is also heteronormative. Many women experience higher rates of sexual desire than their partners. And sexual desire discrepancy is common in many relationship types, including gay, lesbian, and queer relationships.

How common is mismatched libido?

Having a different amount of sexual desire than your partner is normal and extremely common, with one study finding it affects around 80% of couples.

It’s important to remember that having a higher or lower sex drive than your partner is normal and that, as many factors impact sexual desire, it is bound to change at different stages of life. Having a mismatched libido isn’t necessarily an issue that needs to be worked on. For some couples, a mismatched libido isn’t a big deal, but for others, it can cause enormous strain on the relationship.

Can a relationship work with mismatched libidos?

Yes, a relationship with mismatched libidos can work. Couples who use empathy, understanding, good communication, and compromise find that they can have a pleasurable and satisfying sex life.

Mismatched libidos – what to do:

If you and your partner are experiencing mismatched libidos, there are a few things that you can try.

Communicate your concerns

If you are experiencing a discrepancy in sexual desire within your relationship, the first thing you need to do is communicate with your partner. Pick a time when both partners are free from distraction and have an open and honest discussion about your concerns, needs, desires, and boundaries. Make sure that you listen to your partner’s concerns and treat them with respect, avoiding any blame or shame.

Compromise

Once you and your partner have communicated your concerns, needs, desires, and boundaries, work out a way in which each person can have some of their needs met. To do this, both partners will need to compromise and incorporate different strategies, including scheduling sex, exploring intimacy without having sex, self-pleasure, addressing the underlying issues, and potentially seeing a therapist.

Respect each other’s boundaries

First and foremost, remember that it is always ok to say “no.” Neither partner should be pressuring the other into doing something they’re not comfortable with. However, if the relationship is safe and healthy for each partner, and the couple is committed to working through their differences in libido, the partner with the lower libido should provide their partner reassurance when saying no, to avoid them feeling personally rejected.

Tips for couples experiencing sexual desire discrepancy

If you and your partner have a different amount of sexual desire, there are a few tips that you can try.

Schedule sex

Scheduling sex has many benefits. First, it helps us to prioritize our pleasure in a world where so many other things are competing for our attention. It’s also great for those who have responsive desire, who are turned on only once they are sexually stimulated. Scheduling sex also helps to take the pressure off initiating sex, as the partner with the higher desire doesn’t feel guilt or rejection from initiating. Scheduling intimacy also creates anticipation and excitement leading up to the event.

Explore intimacy without sex

Exploring intimacy without having sex allows couples to build on their emotional connection, which increases trust and closeness, all essential ingredients to having good sex. Couples can also maintain intimacy through physical touch, such as kissing and cuddling, and spending time together doing their favorite activities.

Additionally, couples may like to reframe their understanding of sex and focus on sexual or intimate acts outside of penetration. For example, one partner may be feeling tired but open to receiving oral sex but unable to put in much effort. This may please the other partner, who is willing to give pleasure and finds this sexually stimulating.

Try self-pleasure

If you find yourself wanting more sex than your partner, self-pleasure can help to reduce the pressure on both partners, as the higher-desire partner can experience sexual pleasure without having to pressure their partner.

Self-pleasure is also beneficial for the lower-desire partner, as it can help to increase their desire and sexual self-confidence, and they may find new ways to pleasure themselves, which can be communicated back to their partner.

Try therapy

Many people find that seeing a sex therapist or mental health professional who specializes in sex and relationships is beneficial. Therapists can offer support and guidance and help address any underlying factors that may be contributing to the discrepancy in desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here she comes

— Closing the orgasm gap

By Cat Tang

When Sophia Wright finished the deed with her high school boyfriend, she looked over at him and thought: “This can’t be it, right?”

It was only until years later, when she got to university, that she first heard of the term “orgasm gap.” Since then, Wright has learned more about her sex life and orgasm equality.

“I didn’t even really know what an orgasm was for a woman at that time,” says Wright, now a fourth-year psychology and gender, sexuality and women’s studies student.

The orgasm gap is the difference in orgasm rates between men and women during partnered sexual experiences. In general, men are much more likely to experience orgasm than women.

“I was also still focused on, ‘Well, I’m not supposed to come, so why does it matter?’” says Wright, describing her mindset back in high school. “You get fed this narrative for such a long time — you do have to retrain yourself and unlearn these harmful things.”

A 2017 study analyzing a sample of over 50,000 United States adults found a significant gap in frequency of orgasm during sex between heterosexual men and women. Heterosexual and gay men reported orgasming 95 and 89 per cent of the time respectively, whereas bisexual and heterosexual women were the lowest, orgasming 66 and 65 per cent of the time. Bisexual men and lesbian women were reported to orgasm 88 and 86 per cent of the time.

Jaclyn Siegel, a social psychologist who completed her PhD at Western University in 2021, now teaches at San Diego State University. Siegel has a whole lecture dedicated to the orgasm gap in her psychology of human sexual behaviour course.

“We talk about sexual empowerment, sexual equality and the playing field being even now for women and men in heterosexual hookups — but it’s not true,” says Siegel.

Siegel says there are a variety of factors that affect the orgasm gap, one being poor understanding of female sexual anatomy and the type of stimulation needed for someone with female sexual anatomy to orgasm. This often includes clitoral stimulation.

“There’s an ongoing cultural joke that no one knows where the clitoris is, which is not funny. It’s sort of pathetic,” says Siegel. 

But lack of information about female sexual anatomy is almost universal. Oftentimes, young women don’t know much about their sexual anatomy either, creating a huge barrier in communicating with their partners about how they can reach an orgasm.

Wright didn’t know she had a clitoris until she was 15 years old — she didn’t even know what it looked like.

“I took a mirror and I was like, ‘Where the fuck is it?’” says Wright.

Looking back, Wright is astounded at just how little she knew about her own body. She recalls not even knowing urine came out of the urethra until she watched an episode of Orange is the New Black.

Her Ontario public school sex education was unhelpful. She never learned about masturbation, pleasure or orgasms in school.

The lack of information she received about female sexual anatomy — along with feeling like she wasn’t as thin as attractive women were typically depicted in the media — led her to feel shame about her body.

“I still feel shame around my vagina,” says Wright. “That was something when I got to university that I really had to get through: ‘Why am I feeling so much shame towards my own body? Why do I hate this part of my body so much?’ I felt so bad for people having sex with me.”

This self-consciousness led Wright to decline oral sex — a common way for people with female sexual anatomy to reach clitorial stimulation and achieve an orgasm — even when her partners offered.

Siegel says predominating sexual scripts — cultural attitudes and norms towards how sex is supposed to go — priotitizes those with male sexual anatomy over those with female sexual anatomy.

“If you genuinely believe a sexual experience is over as soon as a person with male sexual anatomy has an orgasm, you might not feel entitled to an orgasm because you think the sexual experience is over,” says Siegel.

While Siegel does cite men’s sexual entitlement as a contributing factor to the orgasm gap, she adds it’s important to not paint all men with broad strokes.

“In conversations, people are very quick to blame men for the orgasm gap. But women contribute to this by not telling their partners what type of stimulation they need,” says Siegel. “It’s not necessarily that men don’t want to help, they might not know how.”

A 2021 study found that when women are socialized to be more sexually assertive, it can lead to more frequent orgasms and higher sexual satisfaction.

Siegel attributes the patriarchy as the reasoning behind a woman’s hesitation in communicating what they sexually like. Women may feel like their pleasure doesn’t matter to their partner, or that speaking up may hurt their partner’s feelings and make them feel inadequate.

This leads to another factor Siegel strongly believes contributes to the orgasm gap: women faking their orgasms.

A 2015 study surveying 4,685 university students at the University of Maine found that 70 per cent of sexually-active women reported having faked an orgasm.

“When you lie to your partner by pretending you’ve had an orgasm, they don’t learn how to actually give you an orgasm. You reinforce behaviours that didn’t produce the outcome you wanted,” says Siegel.

While Wright has never faked an orgasm personally, she understands why many others do.

“I think a lot of women do it because sex sometimes is super fucking boring,” says Wright. “Sex just sucks sometimes. It’s like: ‘How do I get this over with? Let me make the loudest porn moaning noise that I can for me to get the fuck out of this.’”

Wright’s journey to sexual empowerment has been long and ongoing. She says it’s taken a lot of unlearning predominating sexual narratives and ideas of what women’s bodies are supposed to look like to get to where she is today.

Her current partner noticed she was struggling to orgasm during their first few months of dating, when they bought her a vibrator to throw into the mix. An attentive partner and a shift towards a more positive mindset about her own body has resulted in a vast improvement in Wright’s sex life.

Another thing Wright’s learned? She’s allowed to finish first.

“We should all be pursuing positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. “There are a variety of ways we can move toward orgasm equality, some of which are on women, some of which are on men.”

According to Siegel, there’s still work to be done — talking more about female sexual pleasure and learning more about the bodies of people with female sexual anatomy are just the start.

“You must understand your own body before you hope someone else will understand it,” says Siegel. “Get comfortable with yourself, figure out ways to make yourself feel good.”

Exploring your body comes in many different forms, from masturbation to experimenting with sex toys. Once you understand how you receive pleasure, it’s crucial to communicate that to your partner and emphasize your sexual pleasure is important too.

If your partner is unresponsive? Leave. 

“The only people who are worth having sex with, are the people who are willing to do what they need to do to give you a positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. 

An orgasm isn’t essential to having a satisfying sexual experience, but for many, it’s an enjoyable part. Bringing more attention to the orgasm gap is essential to achieving orgasm equality. 

“People deserve to have pleasure,” says Wright. “It’s jarring when we see men receiving that pleasure more than women.”

As for Wright’s high school boyfriend? She got rid of him a long time ago. Her current partner is attentive and lets her feel her pleasure is important too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Closing the curtain

— The importance of aftercare post-sex

By Lily Thomas

Like a play, sex has a beginning, a middle and an end. The end of sex is called aftercare, and it involves sexual partners checking in and supporting each other’s needs.

Though aftercare originated in the BDSM and kink community, it can be a part of all sexual experiences.

Rachel Zar, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, said sex is not a complete experience unless there is aftercare involved.

“Because the physical intimacy of sex is just as important as the emotional intimacy of sex, aftercare helps us to deal with any emotions that come up, to counter any sexual shame that there may be, to ground ourselves if we’re feeling any post-coital dysphoria (PCD), and to increase our feeling of connection with our partner.”

During sex, several hormones, such as dopamine, are heightened. When the sexual experience ends, however, Zar said oftentimes people experience a crash, which can manifest into PCD.

PCD causes negative emotions like sadness and anxiety after a consensual sexual experience. According to a study by the National Center for Biotechnology, 46% of respondents experienced PCD symptoms at least once.

“If you just had sex with this person and immediately after sex ends, they just roll over and start to do something else, it’s almost like they’re abandoning the moment, like they’re not really present with you,” Zar said. “They’re not helping you transition and you’re not helping them transition from this playful space back into reality, and that’s what’s really important.”

Zar said aftercare can be a variety of things, including: cuddling, kissing, having a snack, rehydrating, watching a movie together, showering, taking care of any injuries, or even having a simple conversation.

First-year Jamie Davis, whose major is undecided, believes there is a lot of shame surrounding the topic, which leads to miscommunications between sexual partners.

“I think we need to change the way we socially talk about sex,” Davis said. “Even though we’ve tried to come very far, I feel there’s [still] discomfort about it. I think that everyone would benefit from just being more honest and more open about things.”

To practice aftercare, Zar recommends self-advocating for the type of aftercare you want. If you do not feel comfortable asking someone for aftercare, Zar recommends considering if that is a safe person for you to be vulnerable with.

For Davis, sex has been like a “double-edged sword” because of a combination of negative and positive experiences. Though they have only experienced true aftercare once, they enjoy talking about the experience after. Going forward, they will try to discuss their wants and needs before sexual experiences.

“I’m trying to be more honest about these experiences,” Davis said. “I hope that maybe I’ll meet somebody and they’re like ‘yeah that happened to me too.’ I think there’s some kind of comfort in talking about it with people, and anyone who actually matters will be understanding.”

Freshman creative writing major Cassius Green believes that anyone who engages in sex should also be engaging in aftercare, whether you are in a relationship or not.

“A lot of people think that aftercare is only something for people that are in love or in relationships, and I think that’s also not true,” Green said. “It doesn’t always have to be holding each other and talking about how much you love each other. Aftercare can be more casual and it can also be sexy.”

His favorite form of aftercare involves cleaning up and getting dressed before making tea and toast to replenish themselves.

“It’s not also just about one person taking care of the other,” Green said. “It’s for both people to just experience connection and express appreciation for one another after you engage in sex, which is a very intimate thing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ever Feel Sad After Sex?

— You Might Have Post-Coital Dysphoria

What Are the Post-Sex Blues? Here’s How To Deal With This Common Issue

BY Rebecca Strong

After sex, some people feel a sense of euphoria, relaxation, and closeness to their partner. But that’s not the case for everyone.

According to a 2019 study, almost half of men report feeling sad, distant, or irritable after sex. This is often called “post-coital dysphoria” (PCD), or the post-sex blues. But why does it happen? And are there ways to treat it?

First things first: PCD is nothing to be ashamed of. As previously noted, it’s super common. More importantly, experts say it’s nothing to worry about, and often just goes away on its own with time.

That said, if this condition is negatively impacting your sex life, relationship, or overall mental well-being, know that there are things you can do to cope — starting with pinpointing what’s driving your PCD.

Here’s what to know about the common signs and causes of PCD, and how to treat it.

What Are the Signs of Post-Coital Dysphoria?

Experts say PCD can manifest in different ways. You may be experiencing this condition if you feel any of the following after sex:

  • Aggravated
  • Sad
  • Apathetic
  • Restless
  • Uneasy

These feelings may set in immediately after sex, or up to an hour or two after you finish.

Depending on personality and history, a person experiencing PCD may start crying or seem easily annoyed, says Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

“Some people with PCD may feel the need to leave the room or the situation altogether,” she explains.

What Causes Post-Coital Dysphoria?

A 2019 study found that PCD is linked to:

  • Psychological distress
  • Childhood sexual abuse
  • Sexual dysfunctions

If you’ve had traumatic sexual experiences or are currently dealing with sexual dysfunction, then intimate situations can trigger all kinds of negative emotions — like fear or shame.

There are many other possible causes, too.

Since you have higher levels of the feel-good chemical dopamine during sex, your body releases the hormone prolactin afterward to bring you back to your baseline.

In other words, you go from a major high to a sudden crash. According to Tufts University, that post-coital drop in dopamine may contribute to a low mood or other symptoms of PCD.

According to Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a therapist and sex and intimacy coach, performance anxiety can also be a factor.

“A history of depression, anxiety, or trauma can certainly aggravate PCD or increase the likelihood of it,” adds Manly.

“For example,” she explains, “if a person is already sad or depressed, the feelings can be magnified if the sexual intimacy was not connective or fulfilling. As well, if other stressors such as arguments, financial unrest, body issue images, etc. are at play these issues can be exacerbated given the vulnerability involved in sexual intimacy.”

How PCD Can Impact Your Sex Life & Relationship

“Post-coital dysphoria is unlikely to have a major impact on your sexual and romantic life if it’s experienced rarely,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and founder of Sex & Psychology. “However, if it’s a common occurrence, it can potentially be distressing — especially if you have a partner who does not understand it or takes it personally, in which case it may become a source of conflict.”

According to Manly, PCD can create ongoing feelings of disconnection, particularly if your partner notices that you seem cold or distant after sex.

Bisbey notes that PCD can also lead you to avoid sex and the negative feelings associated with it. Over time, this avoidance can begin to take a toll on your overall intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

“You may choose to use pornography instead of intimacy with a partner as solo sex often feels emotionally safer due to the lack of vulnerability,” adds Manly. “Over time, unaddressed PCD can actually tear a relationship apart due to the lack of emotional and sexual intimacy.”

How to Treat Post-Coital Dysphoria

If PCD is something you only experience once in a while, Lehmiller says it’s nothing to worry about.

“Psychologists think this may be a normal variation that sometimes happens following sex and that we shouldn’t pathologize it,” he explains.

On the other hand, if PCD is a persistent issue for you, and is triggering feelings of anxiety or depression, or negatively impacting your sex life or relationship, Lehmiller suggests consulting with a sex therapist. A licensed provider may be able to help you get to the root cause of the issue, whether it’s related to a mood disorder, an underlying sexual dysfunction, or a history of trauma.

Bisbey notes that it can also be helpful to tell your doctor about your symptoms of PCD, as they can help rule out any physical health issues that may be causing it.

While psychotherapy can be tremendously helpful, Manly notes that there are many other ways to address PCD — such as through support groups, self-help books, or journaling.

Manly also highly recommends being open and honest with your partner about the symptoms you’re experiencing. By openly discussing your feelings before, during, or after sex, you’re giving your partner an opportunity to be more supportive and accommodating.

“When partners work together to face PCD and address the issues with compassion, the relationship can actually become stronger and more loving,” adds Manly.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Maintaining Your Sex Life After Prostate Cancer

Sex may be different after prostate cancer treatment, but it can still be enjoyable

If you have prostate cancer and your healthcare provider recommends treatment, you might be wondering how your sex life may or may not be affected. You’re not alone if you have questions about this, as this is a common concern.

“Treating prostate cancer is about treating the whole person,” says urologist Raevti Bole, MD. “We have many effective therapies to help you resume intercourse if that’s your goal. But we want you to feel like you can talk to your provider and partner about your issues or concerns.”

Dr. Bole explains how your sex life may evolve after treatment and answers some commonly asked questions.

Can you have sex after prostate cancer?

Sexual and urinary side effects are common after prostate cancer treatment. “But yes, we can help most people get back to a satisfying sexual experience, though this may look different after treatment,” says Dr. Bole.

There are two gold-standard treatments for prostate cancer:

  • Radical prostatectomy removes your prostate gland and the two small glands at the base of your prostate called seminal vesicles. Pelvic lymph nodes may also be removed as part of this operation.
  • Radiation therapy delivers radiation to your entire prostate to destroy cancer-specific cells, and often the pelvic lymph nodes as well. If you opt for radiation therapy, you may receive androgen deprivation therapy to reduce testosterone in your body. This combined approach provides improved overall treatment.

New treatment options, such as high-intensity focused ultrasound therapy and cryotherapy, are being investigated for the potential to treat focused areas of the prostate gland and potentially lessen sexual side effects. But these treatments are typically only an option for certain types of prostate cancer, and you may eventually need a prostatectomy or radiation therapy down the line. Consultation with a urologist who specializes in prostate cancer is the best way to determine if you’re a candidate for any type of focal therapy.

Sex after prostate biopsy

To confirm a diagnosis of prostate cancer, you need to have a biopsy. During this test, your healthcare provider collects a sample of prostate tissue to look for cancer. They can do this in one of two ways:

  • Transrectal biopsy: This biopsy occurs by inserting an ultrasound probe into your rectum and then using a needle to pass through that probe to get the sample cells from your prostate.
  • Transperineal biopsy: This biopsy is taken by inserting a needle into the skin of your perineum (the area of skin between your genitals and your anus) to remove sample tissue cells from your prostate.

Though you may be sore for a couple of days, there aren’t any restrictions on sexual activity after having a biopsy. It’s common to notice old blood in your ejaculate for up to a month or two. This typically goes away on its own as you heal and isn’t associated with pain. Infection is a risk after a biopsy, though the risk is much lower when it’s taken through your perineum.

“For the vast majority of men undergoing an uncomplicated biopsy (either transrectal or transperineal), long-term sexual function should not be affected,” reassures Dr. Bole.

In most cases, if you’re feeling well, you should be able to ejaculate or have sex again when you feel ready. If you participate in receptive anal sex, you should wait for two weeks or until you’re fully healed, especially if you had a transrectal biopsy. But if you experience any blood, pain or swelling, you should refrain from sexual activity until you meet with your healthcare provider.

Sex after prostatectomy and radiation therapy

Once your provider confirms a diagnosis, they’ll discuss your treatment plan with you. Both prostatectomy and radiation therapy can affect your sexual performance in the following ways:

Anal sex safety

Your anus doesn’t create its own lubricant, so the tissue inside of your anus is delicate and susceptible to tearing. Luckily, that tissue heals relatively quickly. If you have anal sex, it’s important to let your surgeon know before you have your prostate removed. Your surgeon will help you determine when it’s safe to insert anything anally. In most cases, it’s OK to participate in anal sex after six weeks.

“Know your body and take your time,” advises Dr. Bole. “If you’ve waited to heal after prostate removal, but you have anal intercourse and notice pain or blood, talk to your surgeon who may advise you to wait longer.”

In some cases, having your prostate removed may affect your ability to enjoy receptive anal sex.

Erectile dysfunction after prostate cancer treatment

For some people, undergoing prostate cancer treatment can result in some difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. This erectile dysfunction (ED) occurs because the nerve bundles that help control erections sit behind your prostate.

Surgeons make every effort to leave these nerve bundles intact, but the nerves may become damaged. If the tumor has grown into your nerve bundles, your surgeon may remove the nerves entirely.

“Erectile dysfunction is not uncommon after prostate cancer surgery, but the level of effect is variable in the short and long term,” explains Dr. Bole. “Your prognosis depends on your erectile function before treatment, your age and whether your nerves were spared. Erectile function can improve for up to two years after surgery, but it’s possible that it does not return to normal. This is also affected by natural aging and any other health conditions you have.”

Radiation therapy can also affect the nerves around your prostate depending on the type of radiation, your age and health conditions. According to Dr. Bole, in general, five years after radiation therapy, about half of people have some level of erectile dysfunction.

Orgasm after prostate cancer treatment

You can orgasm after prostate cancer treatment, but it usually results in a dry orgasm. With a dry orgasm, no fluid comes out of your urethra when you climax. But you can still feel the pleasurable sensation of climax.

Why do you have a dry orgasm? If you had a prostatectomy, the procedure removes the seminal vesicles (which produce and hold your semen) and cuts the vas deferens, so there isn’t any semen to come out. And radiation therapy causes the tissues in and around your prostate, including your ejaculatory ducts, to become fibrous, or stiff and dense. Although there isn’t a reliable treatment to improve a dry orgasm, it’s a common condition where up to 90% of people who receive radiation therapy can develop dry orgasms over time.

Climacturia after prostatectomy

Climacturia is when you leak any drops of urine during an orgasm. Though this number can vary, on average, climacturia can occur in about 25% of people after prostate removal. Studies have found that of these people, only half of them have enough climacturia to be bothersome.

Lack of interest in sex after prostate cancer treatment

Androgen deprivation therapy often accompanies radiation therapy and reduces testosterone production in your body. When you have low testosterone, you could experience a decrease in your sex drive (libido). “The general stress and anxiety of treatment may also affect your desire to have intercourse,” notes Dr. Bole.

Infertility after prostate cancer treatment

If you’ve had your prostate removed, you can’t get someone pregnant through intercourse. After surgery, you no longer produce semen, which carries sperm when you ejaculate. Radiation therapy also reduces semen production and affects your ability to make sperm.

If you’re considering having children, talk to your healthcare provider before prostate cancer treatment. There are several options for preserving fertility before cancer treatment or retrieving sperm (if you have them) after treatment.

Treatment options for ED after prostate cancer treatment

Sex is often different after prostate cancer treatment, but it can still be enjoyable. “Treatments for ED are often focused on penetrative intercourse,” says Dr. Bole. “But the sexual experience is often not just about penetration. We work with you to discuss your goals for sexual health or intimacy with a partner.”

Treatments for ED include:

Erectile dysfunction medications

There are many medications to treat ED, including Viagra® and Cialis®. “These medications are often the first treatment we recommend,” says Dr. Bole. “They are inexpensive, and if you don’t like them, or they don’t work well for you, you can stop taking them at any point.”

Penile rehabilitation

The goal of penile rehabilitation is to reduce the risk of permanent ED before you have treatment. It focuses on increasing oxygenation and preserving the structures of the erectile tissues to prevent long-term damage. The theory is that helping people regain erections earlier than later after treatment could prevent long-term damage. Think of it as a “use it or lose it” approach.

This is an active area of research and there’s no standard protocol that’s been proven best for every person, says Dr. Bole. Your oncology team may recommend their preferred protocol, such as oral medication, to promote the early return of erectile function and, hopefully, longer-term recovery.

Penile injections

Medication you inject into the base of your penis, called intracavernous injections, can improve your ability to stay erect. Your healthcare provider can teach you how to inject the medication for times when you want an erection.

“The medication takes about 10 or 15 minutes to take effect and may not be the best option if you have a fear of needles,” notes Dr. Bole. “But if you’re looking for a better erection after prostate treatment, and the oral medications are not working, injections can be very effective.”  

Vacuum constriction device

A vacuum erectile device (also known as a penis pump) draws blood into your penis to help you get an erection. Usually, it comes with a rubber ring you slip down over the base of your penis to hold the blood in. It can be a good option if medications aren’t working well or you don’t want surgery.

Surgery

There are several types of penile implants to improve erections, including:

  • Malleable prosthesis, a noninflatable implant that’s always semirigid and you bend it up or down.
  • Inflatable implant, a device placed in your penis that inflates using a pump in your scrotum.

Climacturia treatment

If you have climacturia, pelvic floor muscle therapy can help you improve urinary control. This noninvasive treatment involves simple exercises to strengthen the muscles that help regulate urination.

Surgery is another option. Your healthcare provider can insert a sling made from synthetic mesh-like surgical tape around the area of your urethra to reposition it. The pressure caused by the sling often helps prevent leakage.

People with climacturia may also experience erectile dysfunction. “In the instance you experience both, we can do a combined surgery to put in a penile prosthesis and a sling to address both problems,” says Dr. Bole.

Therapy for you and your partner

Sex therapy, couples therapy and support groups are important resources for people who’ve undergone prostate cancer treatment and their partners. Sex can often be an uncomfortable topic, especially if you or your partner are experiencing changes in sexual behavior and are unsure of how to communicate your feelings. If you’re experiencing shame or embarrassment, or feel like you’re inadequate, please know that these side effects of prostate cancer treatment are common and (in most cases) treatable with the right tools and therapies.

Some therapeutic options that can be beneficial after your treatment include:

  • Couples therapy centers around your relationship with your partner. It can help resolve conflicts and find ways to communicate better about things that are upsetting to you and your partner. A couples therapist can help you discuss these issues, so they don’t interfere with your relationship.
  • Sex therapy focuses on sexual intimacy and helping couples show affection with and without penetration. That may include the use of sex toys or other activities you may not have considered before. Some sex therapists even specialize in working with people who have or who’ve had cancer.
  • Support groups connect you with others going through the same experience as you. They can help you understand what to expect and how others have handled specific challenges. Many people find support groups as a source of hope and comfort, and your healthcare provider can help connect you to these resources should you need them.

“Our goal is to make sure you live the longest, healthiest and most fulfilling life possible,” says Dr. Bole. “We treat cancer to protect your life, then we help get back your quality of life. If intimacy and intercourse are important to you, we can help you get back to experiencing those again safely.”

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Anxiety and Erectile Dysfunction

— Is there a connection?

 

By Jana Abelovska

It may surprise you that your genitals are not your primary sex organ; your brain is! The brain plays a significant role in your ability to feel aroused. If you find it difficult to relax, it will be challenging to get aroused or reach orgasm.

Having trouble maintaining an erection isn’t always linked with age. Men often experience ED at some point. The good news is that you can now identify the cause of ED, which will usually go away with treatment.

Anxiety refers to feelings of nervousness, worry, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. Anxiety means continuous stress or fear after the source of this stress or concern has passed. Anxiety is the most prevalent mental health condition in the Uk, and 20% of men will likely experience anxiety at some stage. You may get Viagra pills online from a trusted pharmacy if you have ED.

The causes of ED may be both psychological and physical. The success of treatment for physical reasons depends on your condition. Studies reveal that psychological factors are the most significant cause of ED. Psychological factors, like emotional and environmental factors, are usually curable. It includes stress and anxiety.

Anxiety plays a significant role in erectile dysfunction (ED) development. Psychological and behavioral responses to erectile dysfunction may lead to a heinous cycle of increased uneasiness, distance and conflicts. It, in turn, leads to fewer sexual encounters, less time spent together and a lack of communication between partners.

You might wonder how something you experience in your mind may cause erectile dysfunction. A number of key factors play a role when it comes to achieving an erection. Your nervous system, muscles, blood vessels, hormones, and emotions play a role in erection.

  • Stress and anxiety may trigger an increase in the production of stress hormones and a decrease in testosterone levels, which plays a role in the sex drive.
  • Stress and anxiety may trigger how the brain sends signals to your penis to allow for better blood flow.
  • Stress and anxiety may affect your self-esteem and feelings of desire.

Increased stress and anxiety may also increase your risk for other health conditions that may cause ED, like:

  • High blood pressure
  • High cholesterol levels
  • Heart disease
  • Obesity
  • Excessive alcohol consumption

How does anxiety cause erectile dysfunction?

Men experience three types of erections:

  • Reflexive erection due to physical stimulation
  • Psychogenic erection due to visual or mental associations
  • Nocturnal erection during sleep

These types of erections involve vital bodily systems and processes. A disruption in any of these processes may cause ED. These include:

  • Nervous system
  • Blood vessels
  • Muscles
  • Hormones
  • Emotions

Mental health conditions like stress and anxiety may also affect how the brain signals the body’s physical response. Stress and anxiety may affect how the brain sends messages to your penis to allow extra blood flow.

Stress and anxiety about erectile dysfunction may also contribute to a cycle of ongoing ED. Experiencing ED may lead to behavioral changes that contribute to anxiety and incidences of ED.

Reasons for erectile dysfunction

Men of all ages may experience ED in some shape or form caused by stress.

  • Psychological erectile dysfunction (mainly nervousness and anxiety) affects about 90% of teenagers and young men. This form of psychological erectile dysfunction is normally short-lived.
  • Men over 30 are more likely to deal with personal and professional stress, leading to erectile dysfunction. Personal and professional stress, such as relationship trouble, is the primary reason for ED in middle-aged men.
  • Impotence is the most prevalent cause for older men. Life circumstances, such as losing a partner or adjusting to retirement, may cause stress and anxiety, which can, in turn, cause erectile dysfunction.

How do you know if erectile dysfunction is psychological?

Whether you have discussed it with your healthcare professional, a few signs may suggest that erectile dysfunction is psychological. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you interested in sex and love your partner but have difficulty performing?
  • Do you experience morning erections?
  • Are you under much stress or have immense anxiety?
  • Do you get anxious about satisfying your partner?

An affirmative answer to any of the above questions doesn’t necessarily indicate that ED is psychological. Still, it may tell that one or several psychological factors affect your symptoms. It’s imperative to talk to your healthcare provider if you think ED may have something to do with your mental health issues, such as anxiety or major depression.

How to beat psychological erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction may occur for various reasons, from physical issues like high blood pressure and heart diseases to psychological ones like anxiety and depression. To treat psychological erectile dysfunction in the best way is to focus on the root of the problem, whether it is some mental illness or simply feelings of guilt about sex.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a standard treatment for psychological issues, including depression and anxiety. The therapy helps to identify and change unhealthy thought patterns and behaviour that may contribute to erectile dysfunction and sexual health issues.

This kind of treatment relies on the idea that the situation (your inability to get or maintain an erection) isn’t the core problem; instead, your reaction to it is. If you learn to understand your thought patterns better, you may positively change them to resolve the issues.

The next option is psychosexual therapy or sex therapy. It is a specialized form of counseling that helps you (and your partner) to overcome sexual issues like erectile dysfunction. However, it is essential to realize that discussing erectile dysfunction with your healthcare provider and partner is integral to the healing process.

What should you do if you are having issues?

Whether in a relationship or single, changes in the sex drive and your ability to get an erection may be confronting issues. If you are in a relationship, speak with your partner about how you feel. A problem shared is a problem halved. Understanding between you and your partner will help you work through the sexual issues you are having.

If you are single, consider talking to someone you trust, like your friend or a doctor, about changes in your sex drive. Talking through this may help you better understand the next best steps.

Remember that it is normal to feel stressed during this time. It is normal not to feel like having sex. If your sex drive remains low and you have issues with ED for a couple of weeks or more, you should visit your doctor. The doctor may do a physical examination to help understand the causes of your ED and set up a treatment plan.

Conclusion

Stress is an underlying factor in erectile dysfunction. But over time, stress may cause anxiety, which triggers more stress, creating a heinous cycle that’s bad for your mental health and sex life.

Accepting the issue and being honest with your partner takes some weight off your shoulders. If you’re experiencing ED and think it may be psychological, it’s always best to talk to your healthcare provider. He will try to identify the cause of the erectile dysfunction and recommend an appropriate treatment, like medication or therapy.

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