33 ways to have better, stronger orgasms

— Everything to know about the 11(!) types of orgasm.

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Look, everyone wants to have a mind-blowing orgasm every time they have sex. But unfortunately, it’s not always that easy.

Only about half of women consistently climax during partnered play, and nine percent have never orgasmed during intercourse, per one study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology. (Worth mentioning: The percentage of pleasure-seekers who do consistently O during sex is higher for women in same-sex relationships.)

So, why is the orgasm gap so big? For one thing, your entire body has to be ~in the mood~ when you’re attempting to orgasm, says Donna Oriowo, LICSW, CST, a certified sex therapist and owner of Annodright based in Washington, D.C. ‘Orgasms require both the physical and the mental, emotional component,’ she adds. This, along with a few other reasons (that Women’s Health will get into below!), can make them hard to come by.

If this gap sounds all too familiar, you don’t have to feel like all hope is lost. Here, sex experts explain everything you need to know to have an orgasm, whether you’re trying to ring the bell for the first time or take your O to another level of pleasure.

What’s an orgasm, exactly?

Let’s start with a basic definition. ‘Clinically, an orgasm is the rhythmic contractions of the genitals,’ Jenni Skyler, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute, previously told Women’s Health US. It’s marked by vaginal contractions, an increased heart rate, and a higher blood pressure.

But how an orgasm feels, exactly, will vary from person to person. Skyler typically describes it as a ‘pinnacle of pleasure, or the capacity for the whole body and genitals to feel alive and electric.’

What are the different kinds of orgasms?

Each type of orgasm is named for the body part that’s stimulated in order for them to occur, including:

Clitoral Orgasm

The clitoris is the small, nerve-dense bud at the apex of the labia that serves no function other than to provide sexual pleasure (!). When orgasm happens as a result of clitoral stimulation—be it from your partner’s hands or tongue, or a clitoral vibrator—it’s called a clitoral orgasm. FYI: This is the most common type of orgasm for those with vulvas, says Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a certified couples and sex therapist based in New York, New York, and the author of She Comes First.

How to have a clitoral orgasm:

  • Use lube. Remember: the clitoris is sensitive. If there’s not proper lubrication, ‘you can cause [yourself or your partner] pain unnecessarily,’ Oriowo says, especially if you start off using lots of pressure. Which brings me to…
  • Start slow and gentle. Add gradual pressure and stimulation as time passes. Feel it out, literally. That way, you can let your orgasm build and avoid experiencing any pain or discomfort.

Vaginal Orgasm

Less than one in five of those with vulvas can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, according to the Mayo Clinic. If you have an orgasm from vaginal penetration, without any direct clitoral stimulation, that’s a vaginal O!

How to have a vaginal orgasm:

  • Lube, lube, and more lube. Again, use lube to minimise any discomfort or irritation, Oriowo says. There’s nothing worse than *that* burning feeling that can result otherwise.
  • Find the right rhythm. Whether you’re solo or partnered, you’ll want to figure out what you like, and then (if you are with someone else), communicate your preferences. Then, the name of the game is ‘maintaining the rhythm when the person is having an orgasm—don’t change it up,’ Oriowo says.

Cervical Orgasm

Your cervix is the vaginal canal’s anatomical stopping sign. Located at the wayyy back of the vaginal canal, the cervix is what separates the vagina from your reproductive organs. But beyond just what keeps tampons from traveling into your bod (#bless), the cervix can also bring on some serious pleasure when stimulated.

How to have a cervical orgasm:

  • Be gentle. Since a lot of people can experience pain in this area, again, it’s best to start gently. If you experience any new sensations while dabbling in cervix play, make sure that they’re not painful, Oriowo adds.
  • Use a toy. Sometimes, a penetrative vibrator can hit those deep spots that a human being can’t. ‘A toy can shake things up with the cervical orgasm,’ she says.

G-Spot Orgasm

Often described as feeling more full-bodied than clitoral orgasms, G-spot orgasms occur from stimulating the G-spot, a nerve-packed patch of sponge located two (ish) inches inside the vaginal canal.

How to have a G-spot orgasm:

  • Warm yourself up. Use your fingers and warm up by touching (or having a partner touch) the G-spot area to prepare for deeper penetration, Oriowo says.
  • Move with purpose. If your goal is a G-spot orgasm, the same-old, same-old moves might not work. Instead, practice ‘picking your positions in a way that will help you to really get to the G-spot,’ she adds.
  • Nipple Orgasm

    A nipple orgasm is ‘a pleasurable release of sexual arousal, centred on nipple stimulation and not caused by stimulating the clitoris [or penis] directly,’ Janet Brito, PhD, a nationally-certified sex therapist and the founder of the Sexual Health School in Honolulu, Hawaii, previously told Women’s Health US.

    How to have a nipple orgasm:

    • Use a toy. ‘There are so many nipple toys that I think get left in the dust because we tend to buy toys for our genitals, but not necessarily our nipples,’ Oriowo says. So, invest in some nipple clamps or even a clit-sucking toy that you can use in *both* places.
    • Dabble in sensation play. It doesn’t have to be with a traditional toy, either. Ever tried a feather? An ice cube? You’ll def want to try different things to ‘enhance the pressure that we receive in that area,’ Oriowo adds.

    Anal Orgasm

    An anal orgasm is exactly what it sounds like: any kind of orgasm that ensues from anal stimulation. For some, this means stimulation of just the external anus (for instance, during a rim job). And for others, it means stimulation of the internal anal canal (for instance, with anal beads, a penis, or finger).

    How to have an anal orgasm:

    • Rimming = your best friend. Rimming, or analingus, is the act of someone performing oral sex on the ‘rim’ of the anus. It’s an important part of anal play because many of your nerve bundles are around the opening of the anus, not deep inside it, Oriowo says.
    • Ease into it. If you’re new to anal play and you’re interested in using toys, you’ll generally want to use something the size of a finger, Oriowo says. (And not the size of a penis!) And, of course, use lube. ‘However much lube you thought you needed… put a little bit more,’ she says.

    Blended Orgasm

    This is any orgasm that comes from stimulating two or more body parts. Nipples + anus = blended orgasm! Clit + vagina? Also a blended orgasm. ‘Bringing in sensations to the other areas of the body can also help to increase the strength of any orgasms,’ Oriowo adds. So, blended orgasms might feel extra intense.

    How to have a blended orgasm:

    • Be intentional upfront. Ask yourself which areas you want to stimulate, Oriowo says. If the clit is too sensitive for dual stimulation, for instance, target the G-spot or cervix instead, and add in some nipple play, too.

    Oral Orgasm

    An oral orgasm can be induced by someone going down on you, and it requires a couple of things, Oriowo says. For instance: Awareness of the giver’s lips and teeth, which can ‘enhance the sensation that a person is experiencing,’ she explains. So, you may want to graze your teeth along someone’s clit, but you defs won’t want to bite them—accidentally or not. (Ouch!)

  • Also, ‘paying attention to what your partner is responding to’ is super important, she adds. ‘If they’re saying they’re about to have an orgasm, continue doing what you are doing at the same pace and pressure.’ Noted.

    How to give an oral orgasm:

    • Incorporate teasing. Yup, sometimes just the anticipation of physical sensation can be enough to increase someone’s arousal. Try just ‘whispering near the vagina, but not quite touching it,’ Oriowo recommends, then move from there.
    • Use your tongue. ‘You can do oral in so many different ways,’ Oriowo says. Maybe you try light, tickling touches with the tip of your tongue, interchanged with a broad, deep stroke with your entire tongue.

    A-Spot Orgasm

    The A-spot is between the vaginal opening and the bladder, ‘about two inches higher than your G-Spot, along the front vaginal wall,’ Oriowo says. You know how you have some spongy tissue in your G-spot area? Well, the A-spot is a bit deeper. If you can’t feel it, that doesn’t mean it’s not there, she says—it just means that your A-spot might not be as sensitive.

    How to have an A-spot orgasm:

    • Incorporate a toy. Because this area is deeper than the G-spot, you might want to use a toy to reach it rather than a finger. Still, you can try to move your fingers from side to side (rather than a penetrative in-and-out motion), and you might be able to find the A-spot better.

    U-Spot Orgasm

    The U-spot orgasm is a urethra-based orgasm, Oriowo explains. Therefore, her biggest tip is to be gentle when stimulating the area, then listen to what your partner is requesting (or what your body is telling you, if you’re going solo). After all, ‘this is the area where urine exits the body,’ she says. (Oh, and you’ll definitely want to lube up, too.)

    How to have a U-spot orgasm:

    • Start with fingers. This tip especially applies to those who are just starting to explore the area. ‘The fingers give you a little bit more control,’ she says. Oriowo also recommends exploring down there by yourself first before doing so with a partner. ‘Then, you know what kind of pleasures you’re already capable of,’ she adds.
    • Then, show and tell. After you’ve gotten the swing of things, guide your partner through the process so they don’t end up accidentally hurting you. That way, they can learn ‘how to do it on their own without your guidance eventually,’ she continues.

    Exercise-Induced Orgasm, or Coregasm

    Amazing news for anyone who loves working out: Some people are able to engage the core and pelvic floor in a way that will result in an orgasm. ‘Orgasms are created through the increase in tension and then its release,’ Oriowo says. ‘Engaging your abdominal muscles, often [is] going to be pulling on, or stimulating, the pelvic floor muscles, as well.’ And the rapid release can create a beautiful O.

    Can I have multiple orgasms in a short time period?

    Yes! This happens when you’re in a semi-aroused state and your genitals are resting a bit, Kerner says. ‘Assuming you potentially transition into the right kind of foreplay activities, you would be primed to experience genital stimulation again that would result in a second orgasm,’ he explains.

    Anyone can have multiple orgasms, but it does depend on the person—some people are more likely to have multiple Os than others, Brito says. And again, depending on the person, their second (or third) orgasm after the first may or may not feel as powerful.

    Jennifer Wider, MD, a women’s health expert, author, and radio host, encourages practicing Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to strengthen your pelvic muscles in pursuit of an orgasm. By doing these contractions during the initial orgasm, a second or third may be possible, when combined with stimulation to another area.

    ‘Remember, the clitoris is usually a bit sensitive after the first orgasm, so moving to another erogenous zone and going back to the clitoris after a short break can help,’ she says.

    How to have an orgasm:

    Achieving consistent, mind-blowing orgasms is kind of like winning the lottery. Sounds amazing, but basically a pipe dream, right? With these little tricks, it doesn’t have to be.

    1. Prioritise cuddling.

    In the name of boosted oxytocin, rather than saving spooning for after sex, spend some time snuggling up pre-play.

    Known as the ‘love hormone,’ oxytocin might be the key to better orgasms, according to a study in Hormones and Behavior. The study found that couples who received oxytocin in a nasal spray had more intense orgasms than couples who took a placebo.

    Since you probably don’t have oxytocin nasal spray on your nightstand, try giving yourself the same jolt of the hormone naturally by hugging, cuddling, or making other gestures to show your love to your partner. Your post-cuddle O might just surprise you.

    2. Don’t skip right to penetration!

    According to Kerner, having an orgasm requires a few key ingredients:

    1. Vasocongestion (i.e. blood flow to your pelvis);
    2. Myotonia (muscular tension throughout your body);
    3. The brain’s natural opiate system being turned on (because it triggers oxytocin)

    The best way to get these ingredients? ‘Gradual[ly] building up arousal, rather than a race to orgasm,’ he says. In other words, slow down and build both physiological and psychological arousal. Trust, the end result will be worth the wait.

    3. Focus on positions that favour the clit.

    Wider suggests focusing on sex positions that directly stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex. ‘That can provide a consistent orgasm in the majority of [people with vulvas],’ she says. Try rider-on-top, which allows you to grind your clit against your partner, or rear entry, with you or your partner stimulating your clitoris. Kerner agrees that being on top generally makes it easier for people with vulvas to cum.

    4. Use a vibrator.

    Vibrators are literally made to help you orgasm, after all. ‘Vibrators increase the frequency and intensity of orgasms—whether you’re alone or with a partner,’ says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. She suggests starting with a vibrator that will target your clitoris, G-spot, or both. A few to get you started:

    5. Think about your cycle.

    If you feel like your orgasms have been meh or not even there lately, consider trying to time sex around your cycle. Generally, your libido peaks during ovulation—that’s about two weeks before your period shows up—so the chances of having an orgasm will go up during this time period, Wider says. ‘There may be an evolutionary basis for this, because those with vulvas are most fertile at this time during their cycle,’ she adds.

    FYI: This is especially important if you’re exploring cervical orgasms. That’s because, as O’Reilly previously told Women’s Health US, some people are more likely to have cervical orgasms during ovulation. If having your cervix touched feels painful but you’re still curious, try it during a different time of the month to see if it feels better.

    6. Make sure you have lube on hand.

    Lube reduces uncomfortable friction and allows you to ‘safely engage in a wider range of acts, techniques, and positions,’ O’Reilly says. Not only that, it also ‘leads to higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction,’ she says.

    7. Whip out a fantasy.

    Adding a little psychological stimulation to the equation can help enhance physical stimulation, which is why Kerner recommends fantasising on your own or with your partner. ‘Fantasy is also a powerful way to take your mind off other stressors or any other anxieties you may be experiencing,’ he says. And, for the record, ‘it’s okay to fantasize about someone other than the person you’re having sex with,’ Kerner says. (Maybe just keep that info to yourself, though.)

    8. Try sensation play.

    ‘The simple act of turning off the lights, closing your eyes, using a blindfold, or wearing sound-canceling headphones can help you to be more mindful and present during sex—and lead to bigger, stronger orgasms,’ O’Reilly says. ‘This is because the deprivation of one sense can heighten another, so when you remove your sense of sight or sound, you may naturally tune into the physical sensations of the sexual encounter.’ But before you tie an old tube sock around your boo’s eyes, just be sure to ask for consent first.

    9. Feel yourself up in the shower.

    Sure, you shower to get clean, but you can also have some fun when you’re in there. ‘It’s very simple: As you shower, rather than touching to wash yourself, take one minute to touch for sensuality and pleasure,’ O’Reilly says. ‘Feel your skin, take a deep breath, and bask in the heat and warmth that surrounds your body.’ This can help you de-stress and get in touch with what feels good to you—and that can do you a solid when you’re in bed later, she says.

    10. Take an orgasm ‘break.’

    On a similar note, ‘sometimes taking a masturbation and orgasm break for a day or two can be a good “refresh,”‘ Kerner says, noting that people sometimes ‘report stronger orgasms during masturbation after taking a short break.’ If you can, try taking sex or solo love off the table for a day or so and see where that gets you. A simple reset may be just what you need to ramp things up.

    11. Make the most of *that* time of month.

    Raise your hand if Os are, like, significantly better on your period. (My hand is all the way up.) While that may not be the case for everyone because orgasms feel different for every person, it’s good to take note of when your Os feel the best. ‘Some people do say that they’re more likely to feel aroused before their period or during their period, and that might have to do with hormones, but then other people say that’s not true for them,’ Brito says.

    As an added bonus, period sex has the power to literally make you feel better physically. ‘Orgasm has analgesic effects,’ Kerner adds. ‘If you experience sometimes pain or heavy cramping or even headaches during PMS, orgasm could actually help to relieve some of those symptoms.’

    12. Make your fave positions feel that much more intense.

    Stick to your fave sex positions, but get your clit in on the action with the help of a clitoral vibe. Or, take matters into your own hands by bringing your digits downstairs.

    ‘A nice combination is pressure and friction against the glands of the clitoris,’ says Kerner. ‘That is sometimes why a combination of external and internal stimulation can really enhance and get the most out of the potential for orgasm.’ Make sure your focus is within the first few inches of the vaginal entrance, he says.

    13. Be present.

    It can be super easy to get distracted before or during sex. But the best Os come from when you (either alone or with your partner) are in the mood for it.

    ‘The main thing that can affect a woman’s orgasm is not being fully absorbed or present—fully absorbed in the flow of the sexual experience or having that flow interrupted,’ Kerner says. So, try your best to get rid of distractions or other environmental factors.

    You can also practice some mindfulness before you head to the bedroom…

    And on that note, make sure you and your partner’s arousal is synced up. To do that, communicate before, during, and after sex to make sure the experience is going well for all involved.

    14. Don’t let intercourse be the main event.

    Outercourse, which is exactly what it sounds like—everything but penetration—deserves just as much attention, if not more. Make sure there’s a healthy balance of outercourse versus intercourse during sexy time. ‘There’s lots of outercourse positions that provide better or more higher quality clit stimulation,’ Kerner says. ‘That’s gonna generate an orgasm.’

    15. Practice positive handwriting.

    Communication is everything in relationships, and when it comes to sex, it’s even more so. Positive handwriting is when you help guide your partner’s hand around your body, showing them how you like to be touched rather than have them try to guess how you like it.

    ‘That teaches them the rhythm that you want or the circular motion or the speed,’ Brito says. ‘By you knowing yourself, you’re able to teach your partner how to do it for you.’

    16. Take the pressure off of being goal-oriented.

    Obviously, everyone wants to experience ~the big O~, but TBH, just being along for the ride is fun enough. When you have a goal, you’ll automatically feel more under pressure, and sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful.

    ‘The main thing is not having that as a goal in mind,’ Brito says. ‘When it becomes more goal-orientated, it gets a little bit bit harder to do that because now you’re in a performance mode.’ Try to focus on the sensations you’re feeling instead.

    17. Try yogic breathing.

    ‘Some people have luck elongating their orgasm through breath work,’ Wider says. For a longer and stronger orgasm, she suggests yogic breathing, which is a breathing technique used in yoga where you control your breath according to postures.

    Wanna DIY? Take a longer breath right before you climax and then breath through the orgasm instead of holding your breath during it, Wider recommends. That ‘may actually extend the length of it,’ she adds.

    18. Figure out what kind of foreplay you like best.

    This extends your level of arousal, Kerner says. Touching, talking dirty to one another, feeling up your erogenous zones, role playing, and sharing fantasies can all help draw out the period of foreplay and in turn, help make your orgasm *that* much better. You can also try getting in ~the mood~ by listening to a sexy audiobook, reading something, or watching porn, if that’s not usually your vibe.

    ‘For some people, it might help them to engage in some type of erotica,’ Brito says. ‘That can help someone have a better orgasm because their mindset is there.’

    19. Make it a full-body experience.

    Don’t just focus on the downstairs neighbor. ‘You wanna be able to activate the nerve fibers throughout your body that are sensual and respond to stimulation—so you don’t wanna just start with your genitals, you wanna start with a more full-body experience of yourself,’ Kerner says.

    Whether it’s really engaging all of your senses or experiencing with touching different parts of yourself, like your nipples, don’t count any body parts out.

    20. Don’t shift your stimulation right before you’re about to orgasm.

    Kerner says it’s a common instinct to do something different right before a woman reaches orgasm, like shifting their position or way of stimulation. ‘That can really interrupt the orgasm itself in ways that might make it harder to get back on track,’ he says. ‘It’s important that whatever is happening that is generating orgasm, that that continues in a consistent, persistent way.

    So, figure out what your partner likes, and if it’s going well, follow through!

    21. Lean into pregnancy sex.

    Like ovulation orgasms, pregnancy orgasms have the potential to feel *real* good. ‘There’s so much blood that’s sort of just pulling in the pelvis and in the genitals, and so much of arousal is about blood flowing into the genitals,’ Kerner says. So pay attention to those pregnancy Os, because they might be higher quality than during other times, he says.

    22. Remove judgment.

    It’s easy for people to feel shame or guilt around masturbation, sex, or general sexual pleasure depending on one’s upbringing, Brito says.

    ‘Ideally, you’re approaching your body in a loving, caring, compassionate way and being very curious and open to exploring your body parts, including your erogenous zones,’ she adds. ‘It’s like, ‘This is another body part, and I’m open to exploring this area in a loving way.’ It’s a form of self-care.’

    And she’s right—it’s your ‘you’ time! Make sure you have a healthy mindset so you can fully enjoy it.

    23. Be aware and vocal of how the sensations feel.

    It’s easy to get out of sync with your partner during sex, so make sure you’re on the same page by communicating. ‘Sometimes sex is painful and a woman isn’t aroused enough, or the sex causes some kind of pain,’ Kerner says. ‘Generally, men don’t experience sexual pain during sex in the way that women can.’

    If anything isn’t feeling right, make sure to be assertive about it with your partner.

    24. Don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone.

    In addition to removing judgment from your mindset, you’ll also want to stay curious and open-minded when it comes to exploring your body, whether it’s with a partner or not. If you’ve always been a little intrigued by anal toys or BDSM, consider tapping into something new. After all, sometimes the most unexpected things give you the greatest Os. (And you can quote me on that.)

    25. Combine types of touch.

    Didn’t you hear? Only stimulating the vagina is, like, so yesterday. Combining different types of touch can look different for everyone—it could be using your hands to stimulate your nipples while you’re getting fingered, or fully using a sex toy while getting massaged all over your body. ‘The more types of touch you engage in, the more intensive it could be,’ Brito says.

    26. Embrace the mini Os.

    Sometimes, people with vulvas experience ‘wavelike feelings of orgasms, or mini orgasms sometimes leading up to an actual physiological orgasm,’ according to Kerner. Often, they think they’re having multiple orgasms, but they’re actually just little peaks and highs before the climax. And they still feel great, so be on the lookout (feel-out?) for any feelings representative of that description.

    27. If you’re not feeling it, consider why.

    Sex is never fun if you aren’t feeling good about yourself, and self-esteem issues are a particular roadblock on the way to an orgasm, Kerner says. If you suddenly aren’t in the mood or you’re feeling bad about yourself mid-act, think about why, and try to get to the root of the issue.

    28. Invest in a new toy.

    Sometimes you gotta mix it up—I get it! If you’ve had a bullet vibrator for while and you’re ready to jump into more intense toys head-on, go for it.

    The type of vibrator you try will depend on the type of stimulation you enjoy—and the type of orgasm you’re interested in exploring. A vibrating butt plug or string of vibrating anal beads will bring a whole lot of ‘oh baby!’ to your backside, while vibrating nipple clamps will make you tingle and giggle without any between-the-leg lovin’.

    29. Use lube on more than just your downstairs area.

    If you’re willing to get a little creative, lube can seriously elevate your sex game in surprising ways. Try to lube up your favorite toy before some solo sex, or even use some on your nipples. Just remember not to use oil-based lube with condoms (it’ll disintegrate the latex) or silicone-based lube with silicone toys (it’ll damage your toys and cause an environment rife for bacteria), Jordan Soper, PsyD, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist previously told Women’s Health US.

    30. Maintain stimulation throughout the entire O.

    It might sound obvious, but make sure to keep the stimulation going until you know it’s over. ‘Maintaining stimulation through an orgasm, the entirety of an orgasm can get the most out of the duration of an orgasm,’ Kerner says. Longer orgasms? Yes, please.

    31. Tighten your pelvic muscles.

    This tip is especially helpful for G-spot orgasms. ‘The G-spot is located inside the vagina up toward your navel,’ Wider says. Not only will firm, deep penetration help to hit the spot, but also, some [people with vulvas] find it’s helpful to tighten their pelvic muscles during rhythmic sex,’ she adds. Again, you can try Kegel or pelvic floor-strengthening exercises to help this area.

    32. Try edging.

    Edging is when you’re masturbating or engaging in sexual activity, creating a buildup, and stopping before you orgasm, then continuing the cycle over again. Literally, what’s hotter than bring yourself and/or your partner to almost climax, but then not allowing yourself or them to? Sheesh. ‘That can definitely make you have a more intense orgasm,’ Brito says.

    33. Know your body.

    At the end of the day, you know your own body best. Sex toys aren’t for everyone, just like manual stimulation isn’t for everyone, either. Take time to be with yourself and figure out what you like best to maximize your experience, either alone or with partner(s). ‘Do what works for you, arousal levels should build gradually—some [of those with vulvas] enjoy manual stimulation, others prefer toys,’ Wider says.

    Once you know what you like, you can help others in assisting to give you your best orgasm yet.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Is there a difference between a ‘male’ and ‘female’ orgasm?

    First off, people with vulvas *can* ejaculate through the form of squirting. However, they ‘can both squirt and have an orgasm at completely separate times,’ Oriowo explains.

    On the other hand, people with penises typically experience orgasms that include ejaculation a majority of the time. It is possible for them to have an orgasm without ejaculating, she says—it’s just rarer. Also, some might say that it’s ‘easier’ for those with penises to orgasm than those with vulvas, which leads me into the next question…

    What is the ‘orgasm gap’?

    This is the difference ‘between how often men have orgasms versus how often women who have sex with men have orgasms,’ Oriowo says. ‘Women who have sex with women are more likely to have orgasms than women who have sex with men.’

    I don’t think I’ve had an orgasm before—what can I do?

    There are a few things to get you started.

    Get psychological.

    Aside from exploring your body—likes, dislikes, the whole shebang—’sometimes, we are having mental emotional hangups that are preventing us from being able to connect with our bodies,’ Oriowo adds. For instance, sometimes shame plays a role when you first start to masturbate, she says.

    If it’s affecting you, she recommends looking into therapy or using a workbook or guide that goes over those feelings. Overall, you’ll want to think about the narrative you have around pleasure, masturbations, and orgasms that are preventing you from being able to have one.

    Consider your lifestyle choices.

    Both smoking and drinking a lot of alcohol can negatively impact your ability to experience orgasms. Smoking can affect your circulation, and increases the risk of erectile dysfunction for men. Because people with vulvas have similar tissue sets, especially in the clitoris, ‘that is going to impact the sensations that you’re having and the blood flow to your own clitoris,’ which is what causes an orgasm to feel so good.

    Alcohol, on the other hand, impacts the ability to feel sexual stimulation. So, maybe skip that third pre-sex glass of wine, and instead fully feel the sensations that might lead to an orgasm.

    Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

    Yup, you can add better chances of orgasming to the long list of positive effects that hydration has on the body. ‘Hydration really helps with best orgasm results,’ Oriowo says. ‘We are literally walking around here dry, wanting our bodies to perform at peak levels for our orgasms—but lack of hydration can also lead to lack of vaginal lubrication, natural lubrication.’ So, drink that water!

    Drinking enough water will also help blood flow and your muscles will be hydrated enough to move, both of which will help your orgasm. Wins, all around!

    Complete Article HERE!

Struggling With Sex After 50?

— Expert Tips To Build Intimacy At Any Age

By Juliana Hauser, PhD

We are often taught there is a “right” and “wrong” way to experience and explore sexuality. That’s a total myth.

As a sex and relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the value of expanding our view of sexuality to include topics such as body compassion, clear communication, and sexual well-being. Doing so shows us the wide range of possibilities to explore for a vibrant life, sexually and beyond.

Here are a few tips for enhancing sexual connections using the principles of “holistic sexuality,” no matter your age:

1 Experiment with self-pleasure of all kinds

Too often, we’re told that “successful” sex results in orgasm, placing orgasms as the reason for sex outside of procreation. We put so much pressure on achieving or giving an orgasm that we lose sight of the true pursuit—pleasure!

Orgasms are wonderful, but there are so many deliciously pleasurable ways to sexually connect with yourself and others.

To think beyond intercourse, consider what in your daily life brings you pleasure: the first sip of coffee, your favorite song. Bring your senses into focus and dive into the sensuality of each moment. This practice can quickly enliven your sexual pleasure as you begin to connect with what lights you up throughout the day.

2 Build your sexual tool kit

A survey conducted by Harris Poll in October 2023 found that more than half of women 50+ (52%) have a sexual toolbox to support their sexual experiences. Once you have a self-pleasure practice in tune with what you like and want, sex toys and products can enhance your sexual well-being.

For example, you can expand your potential for pleasure by using a vaginal moisturizer if you’re experiencing any pain or discomfort during sex. Two of my favorite products from Kindra (a menopause and intimacy company that I partner with) are the Daily Vaginal Lotion and V Relief Serum—both are gentle enough for everyday use and incredibly supportive of pleasure.

Preferences change over time, and it may also be time to incorporate some new tools into your routine. Remember to give yourself permission to try things that may end up being a no for you, and keep an open mind to an expanded view of pleasure.

3 Prioritize connection

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for a deeper understanding of yourself and your pleasure, bring your knowledge to your partnership!

There are many reasons why sexual connection becomes deprioritized once we hit midlife, and they vary from couple to couple. As we grow with our relationships, it’s vital to nourish connection and intimacy. And you don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy or physical connection to do so at first.

A great way to kick-start connection with a partner (or solo) is by completing the Four Quadrant Exercise. Here’s how it’s done:

  • Come to this exercise with vulnerability, patience, curiosity, and an open mind.
  • Divide a paper into four quadrants, one for each prompt: what you have done that you like sexually, what you haven’t done that you want to try sexually, what you have done that you don’t want to do again sexually, and what you haven’t done that you don’t want to try sexually.
  • Write down everything you can think of (feel free to browse for new ideas, too!).
  • If you are doing this exercise with your partner, after you’ve both explored, see what your commonalities and differences are, and use them as a springboard for connection.

4 Seek out support as needed

Even when we incorporate new practices into our daily routines and try new products, sometimes we still need some outside support. Working with a sex counselor or therapist can help you work on your personal goals across all areas of life—relationally, sexually, and beyond.

If you have discomfort during sex, you might explore seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, an OB/GYN, or another health professional to better understand what is going on for you. It’s incredibly important that you know the best practices for taking care of your sexual well-being, and it’s never too late. You deserve pain-free sexuality at all stages of life.

The takeaway

You have a right to the kind of sexual life you want to have. Improving your sexual life means learning what you want and need, what tools and resources are supportive, and connecting daily to what brings pleasure, joy, and connection—to yourself first and foremost and then to your partner and others around you.

Complete Article HERE!

10 must-read books that reimagine sex and power in 2024

— Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

By Annabel Rocha

If one of your new year’s resolutions is to read more books, Reckon has you covered. Whether you’re looking for a way to introduce healthy sex discussions to your children, or learn more about the history of abortion in the U.S., here are 10 sex-positive books to add to your collection in 2024.

Vaginas and Periods 101: A Pop-Up Book” by Christian Hoeger and Kristin Lilla

Talking to kids about reproductive anatomy can be intimidating, but experts say that teaching children the correct terms for their genitals prevents shame and promotes bodily autonomy and safety.

This intro to vaginas and periods book is visually interesting, informative, and inclusive. It features a pop up vulva to provide a more realistic idea of anatomy, explaining that varying shapes and colors are normal.

According to the 2023 State of the Period survey, 90% of teens think schools should normalize menstruation and 81% said they wanted more in-depth education about menstrual health. This book provides a platform to introduce these conversations and answer some basic questions even adults may have wrong.

The Book of Radical Answers: Real Questions from Real Kids Just Like You” by Sonya Renee Taylor

Award-winning poet and activist Sonya Renee Taylor writes books that make seemingly big topics like puberty and gender approachable for young people, with Taylor’s idea of radical self love infiltrated through the messaging. This book includes questions asked by real kids between the ages of 10 and 14. Taylor approaches many of these questions using her own life stories to humanize the experience, and answer the questions as a friend, someone the reader knows, rather than an unapproachable health expert.

Red Moon Gang: An Inclusive Guide to Periods” by Tara Costello

According to UNICEF, 1.8 billion people around the world menstruate monthly but menstrual health education in the United States is not sufficient. YouGov found that 48% of adults “were not very or not at all prepared” for their first period, in a March 2023 poll.

In comes Red Moon Gang, which takes an inclusive guide into periods, hormonal fluctuations and what they mean, and how conditions like endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome can impact one’s cycle. This book goes beyond what is typically taught in schools, explaining how periods can be especially challenging to people experiencing homelessness, as well as people with disabilities.

My Mom Had an Abortion” by Beezus B. Murphy

For those who love visuals, this short and sweet graphic novel tells a coming of age story of a protagonist learning about menstruation, her body and abortion as it affected her family. This narrative puts the topic of abortion in context of a real-life situation, making the reader – especially those who have not experienced abortion themselves – question their own preconceived notions about abortion.

You’re the Only One I’ve Told” by Dr. Meera Shah

Chief medical officer of Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic in New York, Dr. Meera Shah, compiled a collection of abortion stories told to her, humanizing the experience and illustrating the wide range of circumstances that contribute to one’s decision to have an abortion.

Shah shared an excerpt in Teen Vogue that tells the experience of a genderqueer teen in the Bible belt that needs their dad’s permission to have the procedure due to abortion restrictions in theri state.

No Choice: The Destruction of Roe v. Wade and the Fight to Protect a Fundamental American Right” by Becca Andrews

Reckon’s very own former reproductive justice reporter Becca Andrews gives an in-depth look at the fight for Roe and the landscape left behind once it was overturned. This is a great read for anyone looking to catch up with how the battle for abortion rights has gone down, or for those looking for insight into the history that got us here.

Countering Abortionsplaining: How People of Color Can Reclaim Our Stories and Right History” by Renee Bracey Sherman and Regine Mahone

Abortion and midwifery bans are rooted in white supremacy, as the existence of Black and Indigenous midwives stood in the way of white men’s obstetrics and gynecology practices, and enslaved women using cotton root to induce miscarriages threatened future generations for slaveholders to force into labor, according to New Lines Magazine. Abortion restrictions continue to disproportionately impact people of color, with 42% of people receiving abortions in 2021 identifying as Black. Yet, many prominent media abortion portrayals and the reproductive justice movement itself have been accused of being white-washed by women of color.

We spoke with author Renee Bracey Sherman in October about her take on Britney Spears and the importance of sharing abortion stories. Bracey Sherman coauthors this book with journalist Regine Mahone, attempting to provide the full picture of the reproductive justice narrative, providing a history of people of color’s experiences with and contributions to the abortion justice movement.

Scheduled to release in October 2024

DIY: The Wonderfully Weird Science and History of Masturbation” by Dr. Eric Sprankle

Science says that masturbation is healthy and normal, yet like other aspects of human sexuality, it is surrounded by stigma and shame. Sprankle writes about the history of masturbation suppression, including doctors who run treatment programs for masturbation addiction and pastors who preach believe that masturbation creates mermaids.

On sale March 19, 2024

The Furies: Women, Vengeance and Justice” by Elizabeth Flock

This book crosses borders and cultures to explore how power dynamics and gender impact women’s safety. Author Elizabeth Flock centers the stories of an Alabama women denied protection of the Stand-Your-Ground law after she killed a man she accused of raping her, a leader of an Indian gang that claims to avenge victims of domestic abuse, and a member of an all-women militia that’s battled ISIS in Syria.

According to the book description, each of these women “chose to use lethal force to gain power, safety, and freedom when the institutions meant to protect them—government, police, courts—utterly failed to do so.”

On sale January 9, 2024

The Pregnancy Police: Conceiving Crime, Arresting Personhood” by Grace Howard

Fetal personhood and pregnancy criminalization were major issues in 2023, but they aren’t a new phenomenon. Even before the overturning of Roe, people have been punished for the decisions they’ve made regarding their fetuses, with surveillance by healthcare workers contributing to cases against pregnant people.

In this book, Howard analyzes thousands of arrest records documenting the history of pregnancy criminalization from eugenics to the present day.

Scheduled to release in June 2024

Complete Article HERE!

How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article HERE!

Keep It Up

— Why Married Couples Should Still Self-Pleasure

By Ashley Cobb

When most people think of self-pleasure, they often associate it with single people. However, self-pleasure or masturbation can actually be incredibly helpful in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex, whether single or coupled. Quiet as it’s kept, self-pleasure is an activity that many people engage in but rarely discuss openly. Masturbation is not only natural but is actually healthy and beneficial for individuals and their relationships. Many couples may feel hesitant or even guilty about the idea of masturbating while in a committed relationship, but the truth is, couples can benefit greatly from self-pleasure. According to a study published in 2007, masturbation not only encourages sexual satisfaction but is also a healthy practice. A smaller study from 2015 found that married women who masturbated enjoyed greater orgasms and sexual desire, high self-esteem, and greater marriage and sexual satisfaction. If that’s not proof enough that self-pleasure can benefit your relationship, here are eight more reasons why married couples should enjoy self-pleasure and how it can strengthen their relationship.

It can increase intimacy

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can allow couples to explore and understand their own bodies better. By doing this, they can learn what they like and don’t like, which can be communicated to their partner. Knowing what pleases oneself can help bring about better communication with their partner about what they want and need during sex. Not to mention, watching each other engage in self-pleasure can be incredibly arousing and bring couples closer together.

It relieves stress

Life can be stressful, and when it feels like you’re juggling a million things at once, it can be difficult to find time for intimacy with your partner. Engaging in self-pleasure can be a way to relieve some of that stress and tension, which can make you more relaxed and present during sexual activity with your partner.

It can improve sexual function

It’s no secret that as we age, sexual function can be impacted. Engaging in self-pleasure can help combat this by encouraging blood flow to the genital region, promoting vaginal lubrication, and potentially improving sexual function overall. Plus, practicing solo can help with premature ejaculation and even some erectile dysfunction issues.

It can be fun

Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and while it’s important to prioritize intimacy with your partner, it’s also okay to indulge in self-pleasure just for the sake of having fun. Without the pressure of a partner, individuals can let go and explore their bodies in ways they might not feel comfortable doing during partnered sex.

It can increase desire

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can actually lead to a higher desire for sexual activity with one’s partner. It relieves sexual tension and can increase sexual attraction to a partner.

It opens up communication channels

Many couples find it difficult to communicate their desires, needs and wants when it comes to sex. By introducing self-pleasure into the mix, you are opening a channel for communication, making it easier for both partners to discuss their fantasies and desires.

It can be empowering

Many people, particularly women, are taught that self-pleasure is taboo or even shameful. However, embracing your own sexuality and engaging in self-pleasure can be incredibly empowering. It can help you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

It can help you avoid pressure on your partner

In some relationships, there may be a pressure or expectation on one partner to be solely responsible for the other’s pleasure. This can be incredibly stressful and put unnecessary pressure on the partner in question. By engaging in self-pleasure, you’re able to take some of the pressure off of your partner and ensure that you’re both able to focus on enjoying each other without worrying about fulfilling specific expectations.

Self-pleasure is nothing to feel guilty about in a committed relationship. Overall, self-pleasure can be incredibly beneficial for married couples. By helping you better understand your body, relieve stress, spice things up in the bedroom, feel empowered, and avoid pressure on your partner, self-pleasure can ultimately strengthen your bond. Individuals should be encouraged to explore their bodies and find what they enjoy. So, if you’re in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to explore your own sexuality and engage in a little self-pleasure from time to time. Your sex life (and your relationship as a whole) will thank you for it.

Complete Article HERE!

Masturbation Tips for People With Vaginas

— Masturbation is a natural and healthy aspect of sexual development that has many health benefits. There are various ways for individuals with vaginas to self-pleasure, including using their hands and toys to stimulate their genitals and other erogenous zones, like the nipples.

By

Key takeaways:

  • Masturbation has many health benefits, including reducing stress, improving sleep quality, and learning what feels pleasurable.
  • The most common types of masturbation include clitoral, vaginal, and anal stimulation or a combination of the three.
  • Tips for exploring each area include applying a lubricant, slowly increasing arousal, and experimenting with different strokes, pressures, and speeds.

If you’re new to exploring self-pleasure or looking for ways to enhance your experience, we’ve gathered some tips and insights below that may be helpful.

Benefits of masturbation

Masturbation has a myriad of health benefits, making it a healthy and fun sexual activity. Masturbation has been found to:

  • Reduce stress
  • Relieve sexual tension
  • Improve sleep quality
  • Enhance knowledge of how you like to be pleasured
  • Improve mood
  • Strengthen the pelvic floor muscles
  • Alleviate period pain for some people

Different types of masturbation

There are various erogenous zones for people with vaginas for self-pleasure. In this article, we’ll focus on the most commonly practiced types of masturbation to help you get started. However, there are many ways to explore and enjoy your body, and you should always feel empowered to pleasure yourself in a comfortable and pleasurable way.

Clitoral masturbation

Clitoral masturbation is the most common form of masturbation for folks with vaginas, as many people cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone that contains approximately 10,000 sensory nerve endings, making it a prime area for self-pleasure. You can pleasure the clitoris using your fingers to rub all areas of the clitoris, or you can use a vibrating or suction sex toy for extra stimulation.

Vaginal masturbation

Vaginal masturbation is also another common form of masturbation, and while it feels pleasurable for many people, not everyone can orgasm from vaginal stimulation. There are several pleasurable areas in the vagina that you can explore, and many people find stimulating the top wall of the vagina, often referred to as the G-spot, pleasurable. You can pleasure the vagina using your fingers or a sex toy.

Anal masturbation

The anus and rectum contain many sensory nerve endings, making anal masturbation a highly pleasurable experience. You can please the anus externally using fingers or a vibrator or internally using anal toys or fingers.

How to get started

While each person’s self-pleasure routine will look different, there are a few tips that many people use to help get them in the mood.

Create a relaxing environment

To maximize pleasure during masturbation, it’s important to ensure that you have a cozy environment. To do this, first, ensure that you have some privacy by locking the door and switching off your phone to avoid any unwelcome interruptions. If you live somewhere with limited privacy, consider jumping in the bath or shower and locking the door behind you.

Next, make your chosen room as desirable as possible by considering what is pleasurable to each of your five senses. Consider lighting candles, dimming the lights, wearing something that feels luxurious or turns you on, and playing relaxing music or sounds.

Don’t forget lubrication

You may know that a lubricant is an essential ingredient for pleasurable intercourse, but did you know that it also makes masturbation feel amazing too? While the vagina is self-lubricating, sometimes it doesn’t produce enough lubrication to make sex pleasurable. This is why you should always use a lubricant when having any kind of sexual activity. And if you’re exploring anal play, lubrication is a must, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating.

Get exploring

No matter which area of the body you intend to explore, the key is to keep an open mind and get curious about how your body can feel and respond to pleasure. Explore different sensations, pressures, speeds, and areas of the body to find out what feels best for you. You may also want to experiment with toys or erotica to help increase arousal.

Tips for exploring the clitoris

The clitoris is a highly sensitive part of the body. Here are some ways you can begin exploring what feels good to you:

  • Start slowly. Start by applying some lubrication to the clitoris and labia, then slowly begin stroking your vulva. There’s no rush to get to the clitoris, so take your time by slowly building up arousal and allowing blood to flow to the area.
  • Vary speed and pressure. When ready, move to the clitoris, rubbing or stroking it with little pressure. Then slowly increase the pressure and the speed of the strokes to your liking.
  • Different techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as pinching the clitoris, rubbing it in circles, or stroking it up and down. You can also use a sex toy, such as a vibrator, to gently rub or press onto the clitoris.
  • Increase the pressure. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes, rubbing, or vibrations until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.
Tips for exploring the vagina

Finding out what feels good for you inside your vagina is important for increasing sexual pleasure. Try these tips to begin your exploration slowly and sensitively:

  • Stimulate blood flow. Start by applying a lubricant to the clitoris, labia, fingers, and sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking your vulva and clitoris to increase arousal and blood flow to the vagina.
  • Slowly insert fingers or sex toy. When ready, part opens your vagina with your fingers and insert your fingers or a sex toy. Then slowly start exploring the vagina, moving your fingers or toys in a circular motion inside the vagina to find a pleasurable spot.
  • New techniques. You may want to explore different techniques, such as using your fingers in a “come here” motion to stimulate the G-spot, moving your fingers or toys in and out of your vagina, or simultaneously playing with the clitoris.
  • Keep going. Once you have found a sensation that feels good, increase the pressure and intensity of the strokes until you reach orgasm or feel like you’ve had enough.

Tips for exploring the anus

The anus can be a deeply pleasurable area for some people. Try these tips to find out if it’s something you like:

  • Always lubricate. Start by applying a lubricant to your fingers or sex toy. Then slowly begin stroking and rubbing the outside of your anus.
  • Gentle exploration. When ready, carefully insert your finger or toy into your anus, then slowly start exploring the anus, moving your fingers or toy in a circular motion inside the anus to find a pleasurable spot.
  • Experiment. You may want to explore different techniques, such as moving your fingers or toy in and out of your anus or simultaneously playing with the clitoris or vagina.

It’s important to note that when using sex toys to stimulate the anus, they should have a flared base to prevent them from getting lost in the rectum, which can result in surgical intervention.

When it comes to exploring masturbation, the key thing that you should aim for is to have a pleasurable experience. While having an orgasm can be an amazing experience, masturbation without an orgasm can also be incredibly enjoyable. So try not to pressure yourself to have an orgasm each time you masturbate, but rather stay curious about what you find pleasurable, and enjoy the experience.

Complete Article HERE!

There’s more to sex than having an orgasm

– Men need to understand that

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’

By

There’s nothing quite like the expression on a man’s face after he’s made a woman orgasm – that cheeky smirk and unmistakable glint in his eyes that’s just begging for some ‘good boy’ praise.

Ladies, you know what I mean… and gentlemen, I’m about to let you in on a secret.

That climax you were so proud to deliver? It might have been nothing but an elaborate show.

Most straight women I know have – at one point – faked, exaggerated or skipped their own pleasure. But we never pretend for our own benefit.

So, dear men, it’s time to sit up and pay attention as we tackle ‘the big O’.

Beyond faking it, I want to highlight how women can find it very embarrassing to discuss orgasms (or the lack thereof) and sometimes feel immense pressure to perform.

Just like some men may feel uncomfortable talking about erectile dysfunction because it can trigger feelings of shame, women who struggle with or can’t climax worry about being seen as ‘abnormal’ or ‘dysfunctional’.

Interestingly, a study from last year showed that women who have difficulty ‘getting there’ are more likely to feign enthusiasm in bed, too.

Sometimes it’s easier to fake it than admit, to ourselves and others that the orgasm is out of reach. This can happen at any time, to anyone.

A few years ago, my sex drive dipped due to side effects from medication. It was temporary and I knew that I’d eventually finish the course of drugs and everything would return to normal, but it still threw me off my game.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game

I was having regular sex with a partner at the time. I opened up to him about it all and, with a bit of coaxing, we were able to re-ignite my libido, but the orgasm didn’t follow.

The more my partner kept trying to help, the worse things got. He tried to use his hands, offered oral and was very enthusiastic, which I was very grateful for – but the enthusiasm just made the situation more pressurised.

He meant well but I could tell that he wanted that pat on the back for a job well done. To him, getting me off was a mission – to me, it was much more complex.

My vulva and vagina felt physically numb. It was as if someone had shut off the 10,000 nerve endings in my clitoris.

Determined to ‘fix’ the issue, I turned to masturbation, assuming that this would be easier because I was on my own, meaning there was no time limit.

One of the biggest concerns other women raise with me about orgasms is that they feel like there is a clock ticking, which prevents them from fully relaxing. This happens to me too, sometimes.

I eventually climaxed while playing solo but it took much longer than usual. The whole thing was unnerving, because the level of effort I’d had to put in just made me feel drained.

Without meaning to, I had taken the pleasure out of the experience. And this is a big part of the problem with orgasms.

In recent years, we’ve made great strides in closing the ‘orgasm gap’ (in short: men climax more often than women during sex and we’re trying to change that) but somewhere along the way, we missed a trick.

Because the point isn’t climax – it’s pleasure.

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’, especially when you consider that some women struggle with anorgasmia, a phrase used to describe the inability or difficulty for women to orgasm.

There are also those who enjoy sexual stimulation but don’t care about the ‘end goal’, who prefer to climax alone or who only do so if they have an emotional connection to a sexual partner. All of this should be acceptable and normal.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game. Besides, just because you can’t climax, it doesn’t mean you can’t have an amazing time in the sack.

Complete Article HERE!

8 Sex Myths That Experts Wish Would Go Away

— Everyone else is having more sex than you. Men want sex more than women do. And more.

By Catherine Pearson

Chalk it up to the variability in sex education, in high schools and even medical schools, or to the fact that many adults find it hard to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees them naked. Whatever the reason, misinformation about sexuality and desire is common.

“There are so many myths out there,” said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. And, she added, they can “cause a lot of damage.”

So the Well section reached out to a group of sex therapists and researchers, and asked them to share a myth they wished would go away.

Here’s what they said.

Myth 1: Everyone else is having more sex than you.

“Oddly, this myth persists across the life span,” said Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex.”

Many teenagers think “everyone is doing it,” she said, leading them to jump into sex that they simply are not ready for. This myth can make older people in long-term relationships feel lousy, too — like they are the only ones in a so-called dry spell, when they may simply be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of desire.

“It’s pretty typical to find that about one in three people have had no partnered sex in the prior year,” Dr. Herbenick said, referencing several nationally representative surveys. She also points to research she has worked on showing that sexual activity has declined in recent years for reasons that aren’t fully understood. (Researchers have hypothesized that the decline has to do with factors like the rise in sexting and online pornography, as well as decreased drinking among young people.)

“It can help to normalize these periods of little to no partnered sex,” Dr. Herbenick said. “That said, for those looking for some longevity in their partnered sex life, it’s important to think about sex in a holistic way.” That means caring for your physical and mental health, she said, and talking through your feelings with your partner to maintain a sense of intimacy and connection.

Myth 2: Sex means penetration.

Sex therapists often lament that people get caught up in certain “sexual scripts,” or the idea that sex should unfold in a particular way — typically, a bit of foreplay that leads to intercourse.

But “we need to move beyond defining sex by a single behavior,” said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of “She Comes First.” He noted that this type of narrow thinking has contributed to the longstanding pleasure gap between men and women in heterosexual encounters. For example, a study found that 75 percent of heterosexual men said they orgasmed every time they had been sexually intimate within the past month, compared with 33 percent of heterosexual women.

One survey found that 18 percent of women orgasmed from penetration alone, while 37 percent said they also needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. Instead of rushing toward intercourse, the focus should be on “outercourse,” Dr. Kerner said, which is an umbrella term for any sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration.

“If you look at most mainstream movies, the image is women having these fast and fabulous orgasms from penetration, and foreplay is just the lead up to that main event,” Dr. Mintz said. “That is actually, scientifically, really damaging and false.”

In surveying thousands of women for her book “Becoming Cliterate,” Dr. Mintz found the percentage of women who said they orgasmed from penetration alone to be 4 percent or less.

Equating sex with penetration also leaves out people who have sex in other ways. For instance, Joe Kort, a sex therapist, has coined the term “sides” to describe gay men who do not have anal sex. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, said that view also overlooks people with certain disabilities as well as those who simply do not enjoy penetration. Many people find greater sexual satisfaction from things like oral sex or “even just bodily contact,” she said.

Myth 3: Vaginas shouldn’t need extra lubricant.

Postmenopausal women sometimes describe the pain they experience during penetrative sex as feeling like “sandpaper” or “knives.” But while vaginal dryness affects older women at a higher rate, it can happen at any point in life, Dr. Herbenick said, which has implications for women’s sex lives.

An estimated 17 percent of women between 18 and 50 report vaginal dryness during sex, while more than 50 percent experience it after menopause. She noted that it is also more common while women are nursing or during perimenopause, and that certain medications, including some forms of birth control, can decrease lubrication.

“As I often tell my students, vaginas are not rainforests,” Dr. Herbenick said, noting that her research has found that most American women have used a lubricant at some point. “We can feel aroused or in love and still not lubricate the way we want to.”

Myth 4: It is normal for sex to hurt.

Though lubricant can help some women experience more pleasure during sex, it is important to remember that sex should not hurt. An estimated 75 percent of women experience painful sex at some point in their lives, which can have many root causes: gynecologic problems, hormonal changes, cancer treatment, trauma — the list goes on.

Shemeka Thorpe, a sexuality researcher and educator who specializes in Black women’s sexual well-being, said many women believe that pain during or after sex is a sign of good sex.

“We know a lot of the times that people who end up having some sort of sexual pain disorder later in life actually had sexual pain during their first intercourse, and continued to have sexual pain or vulva pain,” Dr. Thorpe said. “They didn’t realize it was an issue.”

Men, too, can experience pain during intercourse. Experts emphasize that it is important for anyone experiencing pain during sex to see a medical provider.

Myth 5: Men want sex more than women do.

“Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 problem I deal with in my practice, and by no means is the higher-desire partner always male,” Dr. Kerner said. “But because of this myth, men often feel a sense of shame around their lack of desire, and a pressure to always initiate.”

(Dr. Herbenick noted the related myth that women don’t masturbate, which she said holds them back from fully exploring their sexuality.)

But while there is data to suggest that men masturbate more often than women do, it is untrue that women don’t want sex, or that men always do, said Dr. Brown-James. For instance, one recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more throughout their lifetimes, but that men and women experienced very similar desire fluctuations throughout the week.

Myth 6: Desire should happen instantly.

Sex therapists and researchers generally believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous, or the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive, which arises in response to stimuli, like touch.

People tend to think that spontaneous desire — which is what many lovers experience early in relationships — is somehow better.

But Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said a lot of the work she does is to normalize responsive desire, particularly among women and those in long-term relationships.

She helps them understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent. Dr. Brotto likens it to going to the gym when you don’t feel like it. “Your endorphins start flowing, you feel really good and you’re grateful you went afterward,” she said.

Myth 7: Planned sex is boring.

Dr. Brotto also disagrees with the idea that “planned sex is bad sex,” because it makes it “clinical and dry and boring.”

That view is “so harmful,” she said. And it results in many people treating sex like an afterthought, doing it only late at night when they’re exhausted or distracted, Dr. Brotto said, if they make time for it at all.

When clients bristle at the practice of scheduling sex, she will ask: Are there many other activities in your life that you love or that are important to you that you never plan for or put on the calendar? The answer, she said, is usually no.

Scheduled sex can also lend itself to responsive desire, Dr. Brotto said, giving “arousal time to heat up.”

Myth 8: Your penis doesn’t stack up.

Men are under a certain amount of pressure when it comes to how their penises look or function, Dr. Kerner said. Younger men, he said, believe they shouldn’t have erectile dysfunction, while older men get the message that premature ejaculation is something they grow out of with age and experience.

The data tells a different story. Though erectile dysfunction — which is defined as a consistent inability to achieve or maintain an erection, not just occasional erection issues — does tend to increase with age, it also affects an estimated 8 percent of men in their 20s and 11 percent of those in their 30s. And 20 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 59 report experiencing premature ejaculation.

“We don’t have a little blue pill to make premature ejaculation go away, so we’re not having the same cultural conversation as we are with erectile dysfunction,” Dr. Kerner said. “We’re just left with the myths that guys with premature ejaculation are bad in bed, or sexually selfish.”

Likewise, studies show that many men — gay and straight — worry that their penises do not measure up, even though many partners say they do not prefer an especially large penis.

“Partnered sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “It involves touching, tuning in, connecting, communicating.”

Complete Article HERE!

I Can’t Orgasm, Am I Broken?

By Sriha Srinivasan

The first time I had a go at an orgasm, I tried to plan for everything. Music? Check. Unrealistic erotic content? Check. Privacy? I mean, as much privacy as a young teen could get in her childhood bedroom so…kinda check? Fingers ready, I went for it and as my desire to succeed crescendoed, I didn’t. I felt nothing. Truth be told, my first attempts at masturbating were uncomfortable and embarrassing.

When I confided in my friends, they were sympathetic but it seemed that each of them in their own way had figured themselves out. They couldn’t relate to my struggle to orgasm. Throughout my teenage years, I tried modifying every variable I could think of. I thought that if I just had the right playlist, or tried moving my fingers at exactly the right angle, I could spontaneously fix myself. But I still couldn’t reach the elusive ‘big O’ my friends talked about: the supposedly euphoric experience that I’d watched play out on TV and in movies. I started to think that maybe I wasn’t meant to experience an orgasm. That maybe I was broken.

Hearing about my struggle, a friend who I had always looked up to for her confidence and strength took me aside on my 17th birthday and presented me with a small box. “It worked for me,” she said. “It might just work for you.” It was a brand-new Satisfyer Pro, a clitoral vibrator apparently changing the sex toy landscape for people with vaginas. It was totally portable, waterproof, sleek, shiny — and utterly terrifying. I didn’t touch the box for at least a couple of months. I watched YouTube reviews and revisited the step-by-step articles from my youth that promised to teach me how to orgasm before setting out to give it a try. Unfortunately, the first time using the vibrator was too much for me. Even the slowest setting felt like ants all over my clitoris. So I hid the box away and grappled with a fresh onslaught of shame.

It was a shame that I needn’t have felt. Despite my generation having more information than ever at our fingertips, our sex education is still deeply flawed and far from comprehensive. As a teen growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I was lucky to be surrounded by empowering young people who talked openly and honestly about pleasure. I remember being 13 and at a Halloween slumber party, having whispered conversations by flashlight after putting on flimsy sheet masks and eating popcorn, laughter hiding our nervousness over topics we really didn’t know anything about. These conversations led me to the teenage manuals of women’s magazines and websites, where I learned that there was an elusive state called an ‘orgasm’ or, colloquially, ‘the big O’. For penises, ejaculation was the obvious marker of having reached orgasm. But for vaginas? The scientific literature I came across wasn’t helpful at all and mainly referenced studies from the early ’70s. The articles I read described reaching orgasm as feeling like fireworks, whatever that meant. My curiosity led me to follow each article step by step in my bid to discover what an orgasm actually felt like, ultimately leading me to my initial failed attempt. Years had gone by and here I was at 17, still hitting the same wall.

In high school, fueled by misinformation, stigma and frustration at my perceived failure to experience an orgasm, I became involved in sex education. Simultaneously, I grew comfortable with my culture as the daughter of immigrants, and as a rising senior created a consent curriculum that I taught to over 300 youth in my parents’ hometown in south India. After I came back to the United States, I became a UCSF California-certified sexual health educator and eventually, during my final year of high school (and at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic), I set out on TikTok, creating my platform @sexedu to reach as many as I could with my work.

From what I’ve seen as an educator, the United States is in desperate need of comprehensive sex education. We need to deconstruct the idea that sexual wellbeing is a taboo topic. I know now as a creator that my story of struggling to figure out how to orgasm isn’t unique. I want every young person to know that regardless of their journey with pleasure, they aren’t alone and they aren’t broken. That’s why I’m sharing my story. In 2023, we need stories to break the stigma.

In what felt to 17-year-old me like a last-ditch effort, I shared my desolate feelings with the friend who’d gifted me the vibrator. She urged me to try again — she said that it was uncomfortable simply because it was unknown. It was a brand-new sensation; I just had to lean into the discomfort to make a discovery. I took a long, hard look at myself. I looked at my body with a mirror in an attempt to become comfortable with these parts that society had made me shy away from. I shoved down the shame I felt and focused on exploring, not on the destination I sought. Yes, I reached those fireworks. Yes, it felt brand-new the first time, and a little uncomfortable because of that. But yes, it was fantastic. It was an experience that belonged to me and that connected me to humankind.

In the end, the elusive orgasm was a journey for me as it is for so many. After all, there are so many types of orgasm: clitoral, vaginal, deep vaginal, G-spot, anal, nipple, ‘coregasms’, audio/visual, blended and possibly more (there’s a debate to be had about the exact number of types given the lack of research on pleasure for people with vaginas). The journey to reaching an orgasm looks different for everyone! Some reach their first orgasm early on with ease; others might not say ‘orgasm’ aloud until they reach college. You shouldn’t feel pressure to orgasm every time either — even the practice of masturbation without orgasm can be pleasurable.

You aren’t broken if you can’t orgasm from penetration alone, or if you need a half hour of foreplay, or if you can’t orgasm more than once at a time. Pleasure is a biological function; it can also be magical and frustrating and your relationship with it can change over time. But regardless of all this, pleasure unites us all — via orgasm, or whatever pleasure might look like for you. It is your right to experience pleasure in whatever consensual capacity you choose.

Complete Article HERE!

The secret to better sex?

— Have it with yourself.

In a sex recession, consider the benefits of a DIY approach.

By

Many of us grew up reading glossy instruction manuals full of increasingly eccentric tips for pleasing a partner. A few memorable ones from my own tween reading years: Eat a doughnut off their genitals. Run an ice cube down their abs. Prior to sex, perform a chair-based dance routine. Moisten your mouth by imagining that it is full of Skittles. There were fewer instructions, of course, on how to help your partner please you.

If you have the kind of social media feed prone to churning up sex-positive Instagram infographics — or if you’ve ever masturbated — you are likely aware of the benefits of self-pleasure. Masturbation, wrote radical sex educator Betty Dodson in her 1987 classic Sex for One, is “the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.” Dodson, who later schooled Gwyneth Paltrow on vaginas for her Goop Netflix show, saw in masturbation nothing short of a path to world peace.

Sex educators rightly extol the endless upsides of masturbation: physical pleasure, relaxation, absolute safety from sexually transmitted infection, the powerful feeling of meeting your own needs. But telling people to masturbate for wellness reasons can begin to feel a bit like telling someone with depression to take a walk and drink a glass of water: It’s probably a good idea, but it’s annoying to hear.

For some people, this pervasive messaging has the opposite of its intended effect. “I have, over the years, also heard from many young women, especially, who feel pressured to masturbate—and some young men,” sex researcher Debby Herbenick tells Vox. Instead of masturbation as an act of personal discovery, it can feel like another tedious opportunity for self-optimization.

What the pro-self-service discourse sometimes neglects is this: Addressing your erotic needs through masturbation is a key strategy to bringing those same impulses to partnered sex, and for people with vaginas, it’s worth getting some reps in. And, of course, most of the research included in this space is on cis, straight people, so I recognize that these experiences won’t be universal — but everyone can benefit from a reminder that our bodies are worthy of pleasure.

Taking time to figure out what feels good

If you’re having meh sex with casual partners, pleasure-phobic pundits and well-intentioned friends might urge you to seek deeper emotional connection and monogamous commitment. Which, sure! If that’s what you’re into. There’s another option, though: Getting better at getting yourself off, so that you can give clearer instructions in the future.

“A lot of us are having unsatisfying sex. And they want that to change, but they want it to just change overnight,” says Dominique Oster, a sex and relationships therapist. “They want their partner to just suddenly get it. They want them to just suddenly know, but they don’t want to do the work that it takes to get there.”

When clients come to her sharing that they are unable to orgasm, or that they want sex but are simply unable to enjoy it in the moment, she, like many sex therapists, encourages them to practice masturbation.

“We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves and our nervous system a chance to re-regulate and create some new neural pathways,” Oster says. “This is not like a ‘Cosmo Five Tips to Better Orgasm.’ This is: How do I have better mental health around my body and my sexuality?”

Betty Dodson, in her ’80s masturbation manifesto, called it “the best way to gain sexual self-knowledge and to let go of old sexual fears and inhibitions.” She added, “For women especially, it’s a way to build confidence so we can communicate clearly with our lovers.”

A 2019 study of over 2,000 women found a stark contrast in the ways women were bringing themselves to orgasm through masturbation and the ways they attempted to orgasm with a partner. On their own, women “tend to use less conventional techniques for arousal during masturbation compared with partnered sex,” the researchers found. Those who were able to align their solo style with the way they had sex with a partner — conjuring fantasies, using vibrators, positioning their bodies in their preferred ways — had more orgasms, and better ones.

Of course, orgasm is not the only marker of a positive sexual experience, but it is a significant one. A study of young adults in 2019 found that people who orgasmed in casual sexual encounters were more likely to have positive emotions about those encounters. Critics of casual sex argue that it can lead participants, particularly women, to feel empty and worthless afterward. The reason could be a sense of loneliness or shame, but it could also be that sex didn’t feel that good physically. If that’s the case, the answer might not be to give up on sex, but to try to figure out what would actually feel good.

That’s what Maria Yagoda did. Yagoda is a sex writer who spent years recounting her sexual exploits online, writing articles with headlines like “What It’s Like to Ride a $2,000 Vibrating ‘Sex Machine.’” At 28, she finally admitted that she wasn’t enjoying sex — she was simply “enduring” it. She faked orgasms, approximating moans while thinking about the IRS. Even though she was technically a sex expert, she found it hard to acknowledge that, as she writes in her new book Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop, that “sex is meant to be pleasurable, not a method-acted performance of pleasure so gripping even the actor believes it.”

A pathway to better sex — including casual sex

It’s easy to read an account like Yagoda’s and conclude that casual sex is simply unfulfilling, and ought to be abandoned. Anti-hookup culture screeds, which often marry puritanism to the language of progressivism, argue that the answer is to contain sex within the framework of committed monogamy. Amid the often troubling critiques of hooking up is genuine concern for women’s sexual satisfaction and sense of erotic self-worth. In 2006, then-Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp fretted about the implications of hookup culture for girls’ futures as “mothers, workers, and members of a community.” She also worried, rightly, about whether the girls’ and women’s partners were treating them with care.

In a 2022 TikTok viewed nearly a million times, “very much pro-ho” creator Cindy Noir echoed these concerns, urging women to ask of their casual sex partners, “Does he value you and consider you and your pleasure? Is he trustworthy and safe for you and your body?” Hookup culture can sometimes be a “scam” for women, said Cindy. This is statistically true, at least as far as orgasms go — in heterosexual partnerships, men are vastly more likely than women to orgasm during casual sex.

Lack of pleasure is an excellent reason to avoid any kind of sex, casual or committed. But as Yagoda argues, “Pleasure is a practice.” Instead of renouncing casual sex, she set about discovering how to make sex more pleasurable for herself. She took up a period of celibacy to figure out, on her own, what she wanted. She practiced meditation and tried out various sex toys and lubes, enacting what Dodson called “the ongoing love affair” with herself. “I had never touched myself like this before, like a person I loved,” Yagoda wrote of her new approach to masturbation.

“The age-old difference between how men and women approach sex and sexuality is that men tend to be self-focused in their sexual experience or their exploration, and women tend to be more focused on the other person,” says Oster. “And that really gets in the way of us being able to experience what’s actually physically happening in our bodies.”

Getting your reps in

With self-pleasure, intentionality is key. “I don’t shy away from turning it into a chore,” says Oster of encouraging her clients to masturbate. “I really do like to remove some of the mysticism and some of the romance from this as a practice.” Lighting a scented candle is nice, she says. A clearer way to get in touch with the sensations might be to ask yourself, “What does this physically feel like? What thoughts are coming into my head? Can I return my body to the physical sensation when they do? Can I move through that and breathe through that and stay in my body?”

In 2022, researchers led by Herbenick published the first nationally representative survey on American masturbation habits in 10 years. Asked to share their primary motivation for masturbating, a significant number of women participants said they wanted to explore their sexuality. The study looked into a question that is debated by sex researchers: Does masturbating, in general, make people want to have more sex? Or less?<

There is some evidence for both theories, Herbenick told me in an interview, but the 2022 study found more evidence for the “complementary model” among women, meaning that women who had more partnered sex also had more solo sex. “You might be somebody who really enjoys your own fantasy and desire and arousal and orgasm through masturbation,” says Herbenick. “Doing so may help you to kind of feel enlivened and desirous, and sometimes the focus of that may be a partner.”

Couldn’t it be that women who have more frequent sex with men are actually masturbating more because they are unsatisfied?

“For some portion? For sure,” says Herbenick. But there is data, she says, that “certainly some people actually masturbate right then and there, right? Like they didn’t get an orgasm through their sex with their partner. So they will say, ‘Well, I just sort of rolled over and finished myself off.’” Practicing by yourself is good for that, too.

Practice makes pleasure

Two decades before Dodson’s masturbation manifesto, in 1966, sex researchers Virginia E. Johnson and William H. Masters published a groundbreaking report that included the following bombshell: “If there is no psychosocial distraction to repress sexual tensions, many well-adjusted women enjoy a minimum of three or four orgasmic experiences before they reach apparent satiation,” they wrote. After a decade of observing individuals masturbating and couples having sex, they had seen the truth with their own eyes:

Masturbating women concentrating only on their own sexual demands, without the psychic distractions of a coital partner, may enjoy many sequential orgasmic experiences without allowing their sexual tensions to resolve below plateau-phase levels.

Writing in crisp, clinical terms that nevertheless thrilled the reading public, they added: “Usually physical exhaustion alone terminates such an active masturbatory session.”

Masters and Johnson advised men to pay attention to their partners’ wants and stop guessing, applicable advice to people of all genders. “Rather than following any preconceived plan for stimulating his sexual partner, the male will be infinitely more effective if he encourages vocalization on her part,” they concluded. “The individual woman knows best the areas of her strongest sensual focus and the rapidity and intensity of manipulative technique that provides her with the greatest degree of sexual stimulation.”

Unfortunately, the average layperson has not read Masters and Johnson’s 1966 findings — so with that in mind, one must communicate one’s sexual desires directly. Doing so, instead of hoping that a sex partner somehow figures it out, involves “rejecting the idea of sexual chemistry as a rigid, fixed thing,” writes Yagoda. She cites the work of therapist Pamela Joy, who argues that people who want to get better at talking about their needs during sex should start with a much smaller step: just getting comfortable talking about sex outside of the actual act. You can take tiny sex talk steps by talking more honestly with friends, listening to sex education podcasts, and following sex and kink educators on Instagram.

Yagoda also recommends frontloading the communication — “Do you mind if we go slow tonight?” is a great thing to say to a hookup partner while the night is young and the Netflix original is still playing in the background. And when in doubt, she says, there are a few words to keep in your toolbox: “‘Faster.’ ‘Slower.’ Harder.’ ‘Softer.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ ‘Ouch.’ ‘Wrong hole.’”

Oster adds that if you have a consistent partner, telling them about your self-pleasure practice will help them keep up with what you like. “If we can encourage our partners to see that we are changing, that we are exploring, that can kind of reduce some of the charge of, ‘Well, she used to like this. Now she just must not like sex anymore.’” It’s not always obvious that people have evolving sexual tastes and desires, but those things can be framed as “dynamic,” Oster says, rather than a dead end.

Masturbation, like other sex-related things, is increasingly celebrated in the mainstream, while stigma is continually reinforced everywhere else. Mentioning masturbation in a sex ed class is still enough to garner a teacher death threats, but you can stand in a Target aisle and compare the Rabbit, the LELO, and the Dame vibrators. Jane Fonda recently gave Drew Barrymore a sex toy on daytime TV, but shame and fear still prevent people from being direct with their partners about pleasure.

“There is no specific technique that can turn bad sex into pleasurable sex,” Yagoda writes. “There is no new angle or position that can rehabilitate your relationship with pleasure. But there are so many little practices, little shifts in perspectives that can open our bodies up to pleasure.”

It’s true that masturbation has not yet brought about world peace, as Dodson once dreamed. Still, we’ll keep practicing until we get there.

Complete Article HERE!

How growing up in purity culture impacts sex

— The effects of shame-based narratives can have a big impact on our ability to experience pleasure fully.

By Gigi Engle

Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.

Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.

Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.

While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.

Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.

Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.

Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.

While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.

“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”

It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.

What purity culture messages look like

Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.

  • Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
  • Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
  • Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
  • Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
  • Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
  • If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.

These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.

How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality

Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.

Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.

Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”

Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:

  • Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
  • Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
  • Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
  • Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
  • Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
  • Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
  • Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
  • Feeling afraid to take risks.
  • Losing connection to playfulness.
  • Difficulties with orgasm.
  • Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
  • Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.

5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure

Give yourself the time you need to really heal

Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.

Feel your damn feelings

When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”

Resource yourself and find community

Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”

Seek professional help

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.

Practice conscious masturbation

Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!

It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How Sex Toys Can Improve Your Sexual Wellness Beyond Providing Pleasure

By Aliyah Moore

Sex toys haven’t always been connected to a multi-billion dollar market; for a long time, consumers widely purchased back massagers with an off-label use as a vibrator or simply didn’t interact with the products at all. But thanks to changing perceptions and awareness about pleasure’s role in sexual health, which is integral to wellness, sex-toy usage is on the rise and stigma is steadily making its way out. According to market research, as of 2022, nearly 1.5 million Americans disclosed that they use them every week, up from 86 million in 2017. And considering the benefits of sex toys, we’re better off for it.

One silver lining of the pandemic is that it laid the foundation for an increased use in sex toys. While folks stayed at home, they got sexually curious and creative, whether during masturbation sessions or in the scope of partnered relationships. Industry dollars support this notion, with reports noting the sale of sex-related products having doubled or even tripled in certain countries during periods of lockdown and isolation.

As a sex therapist, I love seeing this shift. The documented rise in usage of sex toys is encouraging us to be more open with sexual discourse and general, which has a positive impact on our sexual health and wellness. Why? Well, it may start with pleasure—but that’s far from where it ends.

Pleasure is just one the benefits of using sex toys

Whether you’re a vulva-owner, penis-owner, or intersex, pleasure is the cornerstone of a healthy sex life. It’s easy to see how toys help us out here: We use them to experience the euphoric sensations we can’t quite achieve (or achieve as quickly) on our own.

If you’re thinking, Of course sex toys make you feel good, fair point. But what’s less obvious is how vital pleasure is to our overall health and well-being. It’s a common tendency to sideline the value of sex, view it as a bonus or a treat, or something to put at the bottom of our priority list when life gets busy. However, consider that research has connected sexual satisfaction to lowered levels of anxiety and depression. In that vein, it stands to reason that pleasure alone is just the tip of the iceberg of benefits of sex—and sex toys are adept at facilitating sex that is rich with pleasure.

No, sex isn’t required to dispel mental-health ailments nor should it function as an isolated strategy for restoring optimum mental health. Rather, sexual satisfaction is one important factor that stands to support overall mental health, and—crucially—can be achieved without a partner. Sexual stimulation through masturbation may help bring on similar benefits of boosting your mood, self-esteem, sleep quality, and helping to relieve stress. And because sex toys stand to make all forms of sex more enjoyable, they have a major role to play here.

Good sex is good for your body, and sex toys can help

Although pleasure is a tenet of sexual health, and sex toys are marketed primarily on their ability to derive pleasure, it’s by no means the only value they provide. Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.

Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.

To illustrate this point, consider, the vibrator. Research suggests vibration may help treat erectile dysfunction (ED) and anorgasmia, an issue common in women who experience delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms—or significantly less-intense orgasms—after sexual arousal. Vibration has been linked to improvements in sexual function and desire, whether you have a penis or a vulva. Pelvic-floor dysfunction—the inability to correctly relax and coordinate your pelvic floor muscles, which often causes sexual problems, not to mention issues with constipation or urinary leakage—may also be helped through vibration.

Another sex-toy category—vacuum-like devices that use a hand- or battery-powered pump to create suction around your penis, clitoris, vulva, or nipples—has shown to treat and sometimes resolve such issues as ED and genital arousal disorder.

Masturbating with other toys (or just in general), may help relieve period cramps and reduce the risk of prostate cancer. Some experts advise masturbation to help with chronic concerns like joint pain or headaches—another point in favor of the ancillary benefits that come from the intense pleasure sex toys can make you feel.

As we continue talking more openly about sex, sex toys become a larger part of the conversation. Nurturing our sexuality illuminates that pleasure is attainable—and provides for health benefits, to boot. Sex toys prioritize pleasure, of course, but pleasure itself is about taking care of your sexuality—which includes your mind and your body. When toys help you experience pleasure, they help you cultivate a happier and healthier version of yourself.

Complete Article HERE!

Best sex advice of 2023

— So far

From lasting longer in bed to our top orgasm tip.

BY Anna Iovine 

In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice. Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.

Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.

Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).

Set your boundaries

Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.

Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.

Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?

If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.

Top orgasm tip

If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”

How can I last longer in bed?

Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.

I want to try kink…

Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”

How to have sober sex

We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.

Complete Article HERE!

Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

1
Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

2
A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

4
It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

5
Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

7
The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

Complete Article HERE!

‘Between pleasure and health’

— How sex-tech firms are reinventing the vibrator

British firm MysteryVibe’s original vibrator was designed to alleviate pain in the vagina.

A new wave of sex toys is designed to combine orgasmic joy with relief from dryness, tension and pain

By

At first glance, it could be mistaken for a chunky bracelet or hi-tech fitness tracker. But the vibrations delivered by this device will not alert you to a new message or that you have hit your daily step goal. Neither are they strictly intended for your wrist.

Welcome to the future of vibrators, designed not only for sexual pleasure, but to tackle medical problems such as vaginal dryness, or a painful and inflamed prostate gland in men.

“The current standard of care if you go to a therapist, gynaecologist or urologist, is they will insert one or two fingers to reach the painful areas and massage them to alleviate the pain,” said Soumyadip Rakshit, CEO and co-founder of sex-tech company MysteryVibe.

“We bring together the best of biomedical engineering to recreate what currently works, so people can access these therapies easily, discreetly and cost effectively.”

MysteryVibe is not the only company that is striving to alter our relationship with sex toys. A “smart vibrator” developed by the US-based startup Lioness contains sensors that measure women’s pelvic floor movements, allowing them to track how their arousal and orgasms may be changing over time or in response to stress or alcohol. An “erection ring” developed by US company FirmTech claims to enhance men’s performance while tracking the duration and turgidity of their erections and the number of nocturnal episodes they experience – an indicator of cardiovascular health.

Dr Rakshit in the lab. MysteryVibe is funding research to back up their scientific claims.

“There are a number of different products that are now sort of skirting the line between pleasure and health,” said Dr Rachel Rubin, a urologist and sexual medicine specialist based in Washington DC. “These companies today are focusing on [pelvic] anatomy and physiology, and using what we know to try to enhance pleasure, joy, intimacy and fun.”

MysteryVibe’s laboratory – the only facility conducting vibrator research and development within the UK – is incongruously housed in a former dairy in a rural business park near Guildford, Surrey. The first clue that this is no standard office unit is an issue of Playboy tucked behind a magazine about technology startups. Then I spot a tray of wand-shaped mechanical devices, in various states of undress, their bright components resembling children’s Duplo blocks.

These are stripped-back Crescendo vibrators, MysteryVibe’s original product, which was designed to target and release tender areas inside the vagina and alleviate pelvic pain, for example in women whose pelvic floor muscles have been damaged as a result of childbirth.

“The simple answer to pelvic pain is physiotherapy. But most mums either are unaware of this, or don’t have the time and/or money to pay for it,” Soumyadip said.

Registered as medical devices, and marketed at scientific conferences, such products are a far cry from the oversized dildos traditionally stocked by sex shops. MysteryVibe is even funding research to back up their scientific claims. Preliminary results from a small trial involving 11 women with genito-pelvic pain or penetration disorder – where the muscles around the vagina contract whenever an attempt is made to penetrate – suggested that using the Crescendo device three times a week for 12 weeks resulted in significant improvement.

Larger randomised trials are needed. But other scientific evidence supports the use of vibrators in various female health conditions too. According to a recent review by Dr Alexandra Dubinskaya, a urologist at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, and colleagues, they can improve pelvic floor muscle function, facilitate the treatment of vulvar pain and enhance women’s sexual experiences.

“We know that vibration causes vasodilation, meaning the vessels that bring blood to the organs get wider and can bring more blood. It also promotes neuromodulation, meaning it can retrain the nerves – especially those nerves responsible for pain perception,” Dubinskaya said.

Such products are also finding favour with pelvic health physiotherapists such as Katlyn Nasseri at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, US. She said that people experience pelvic pain due to overactive muscles, stress, anxiety, conditions such as endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome, and childbirth injuries.

Trauma or inflammation can cause the pelvic floor muscles to become overly toned, resulting in pain. Nasseri likens using a vibrator to using a massage gun to relieve stiff muscles elsewhere in the body: “Vibration is great for muscles; it helps them to relax really well. The same principle applies to the muscles of the pelvis.”

MysteryVibe’s latest products, scheduled for release later this year, are a vulval vibrator for women experiencing vaginal dryness and/or low libido, and a prostate vibrator designed to be inserted into the anus to relieve pain in men with inflamed prostate glands.

The MysteryVibe lab is the only place conducting vibrator research and development in the UK.

“The three common things that happen to men are that the prostate becomes larger as they become older, or it gets a cancer, and the third is prostatitis – inflammation, pain or infection in the prostate gland. Of these, perhaps the most difficult to treat is prostatitis,” said Prokar Dasgupta, a professor of urology and MysteryVibe’s medical director.

“One of the treatments is regularly massaging the prostate. This allows the congealed secretions inside the prostate that are the cause of the problem to come out. Rather than a urologist doing this manually, it can be done by the patient themselves using this device.”

Men also have pelvic floor muscles and can hold tension in them, just like women, said Rubin: “This can cause symptoms such as urinary frequency or urgency, pain with ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or premature or delayed orgasm.

“In addition, the prostate is very rich with nerves and pleasure spots that can really aid in orgasm and arousal.”

MysteryVibe’s vulval vibrator is designed to sit outside the body, can be moulded to a woman’s physiological dimensions, and can even be worn during intercourse. Whether it actually counters menopause-related dryness or reduced libido is as yet unproven, but menopause expert Dr Shahzadi Harper of The Harper Clinic in London suspects it might.

“We often say use it or lose it, but when you’re feeling tired, when your hormones change, when you’ve got so many other things going on, sex can slip down the sort of priority list. This is a nice gentle way to get confidence back in your body, reignite those nerve endings and boost blood flow to the clitoris and pelvic area, which stimulates the cells that help with lubrication.”

Dr Paula Briggs, chair elect of the British Menopause Society and a consultant in sexual and reproductive health at Liverpool Women’s NHS Foundation Trust, said that a vulval vibrator could stimulate collagen-producing cells in the vaginal wall to become active again, reversing some of the thinning that occurs following menopause. Although regular sex can achieve a similar thing, “the difference with a vibrator is that the woman is in control”.

She now advises patients to experiment with a small, tapered vibrator because penetration can be difficult, and often very painful, for such women. Briggs cautioned that vibrator use alone was unlikely to combat vaginal dryness in women whose arousal issues stem from psychological causes, including physical or emotional trauma or stress.

Kate Walsh, physiotherapy lead at Liverpool Women’s Hospital, agreed. Combined with other techniques such as mindfulness and breathing exercises, a vibrator can help women to “reprogram” the way their bodies process sensation, helping to make sex pleasurable again.

“Women will come in with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos that they’ve spent money on, but if they don’t understand the context of why they’re doing this, it is unlikely to work,” she said.

“I’m not saying that someone who is struggling with pain or arousal needs to jump straight into psychosexual counselling, but they’ve got to understand that what’s feeding it isn’t always just a physical thing – the physical and psychological interact.”

Complete Article HERE!