Category: Preorgasmic Women

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A sex educator explains orgasms

— Plus an exercise for expanded pleasure

The best orgasms come when you learn how to unlock a sexual “flow state.” Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, shares a meditation to help you get started.

With Emily Nagoski

EMILY NAGOSKI: Unfortunately, virtually all of the orgasms that are available to us in the mainstream media and in porn are fake. The classic example, of course, is “When Harry Met Sally,” Meg Ryan.

MEG RYAN: ‘Yes, yes, yes!’

EMILY NAGOSKI: Actually, what orgasm looks and sounds and feels like varies tremendously from person to person. But how do we learn about orgasm? We learn it from media, and we learn it from porn, and then we think we are doing it wrong if that’s not what our orgasm is like. And we’re not, we’re doing it right, we’re just not doing it the way we were told. And if other people have a problem with the way our orgasms actually are, those are not the people you have sex with. So the first thing we should talk about is what an orgasm actually is. Then we should talk about how they actually happen. Followed, of course, by why they sometimes don’t. And then at the end, I’ll give you some tips to have the biggest, most expansive orgasm you’ve had in your life.

I think people believe that orgasm is a genital function. It is not. Sometimes genitals are involved, but orgasm is something that happens in the brain. And there is a reliable neurological marker for when orgasm happens. And it depends how you measure it. If you measure it one way, at orgasm, the prefrontal cortex goes dark- all of the inhibitory impulses just vanish. In a different kind of machine, the brain lights up everywhere. It’s a whole brain response, orgasm. You have to have a brain to have an orgasm. How we experience an orgasm as pleasurable or not depends on the context in which we’re experiencing it. So when you have a great, sex-positive context, orgasm can feel really good. But for some people, they might have an orgasm during unwanted sex. In that case, the orgasm feels like a betrayal, like their body has done something wrong and they feel broken.

So what orgasm actually is, here’s the definition I use: “It is the spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex-related stimuli.” People can have orgasms from having their toes sucked. People can have orgasms from having their ear lobe sucked. People can have orgasms through breath and imagination. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you wanted and liked it, then it doesn’t matter what kind of stimulation got you there. Whatever works for you, is what works for you.

So we can’t even necessarily differentiate between which organ in your body is causing the orgasm to happen. There’s only one: There’s a brain orgasm. We can really struggle around an issue like orgasm, which seems so simple, but we’re taught that our identities are tied to our ability to have orgasms. One of the common experiences for people who struggle with orgasm is this thing that sex therapists call “spectatoring.” Where instead of enjoying the sensations that are happening in your body, you’re sort of watching your body; and worrying about it and thinking about is your face okay, should you be bending your spine in that direction? And all of that worry about your body is just keeping the brakes on and making it more difficult for you to enjoy the sex you are having.

Charles Carver, the researcher in Florida who, with his colleagues, developed this mechanism called ‘Criterion velocity and the discrepancy-reducing increasing feedback loop.’ I just call it “the little monitor.” And it’s as if there is a little monitor in your brain that knows what your goal is. It keeps track of how much effort you put in toward that goal, and it notices how much progress you’re making toward that goal. And it has a strong opinion about the ratio of effort to progress. When your little monitor switches its assessment of your goal from being attainable to being unattainable, it pushes you off an emotional cliff from frustrated rage down into a pit of despair.

The ironic intervention when you’re struggling with orgasm is take orgasm entirely off the table for a long time, months at a time, and just explore your erotic landscape: experience high levels of arousal, and lower levels of arousal, and feel what it feels like to approach orgasm knowing that you are not going to have one. The reason we take away the goal entirely is to help the monitor relax. Are you achieving your goal? If your goal is pleasure, and your little monitor is like “Pleasure: check!” your monitor is released from the necessity of judging you and trying to motivate you to work harder. Working harder to have an orgasm is rarely the thing that’s gonna get people where they wanna go. And if people struggle too long and they feel like there’s something wrong with them and they’re broken, they absolutely find themselves in a pit of despair. And if you’re feeling in a dark place because there’s something wrong with your orgasms: connection with other people, connection is the most important antidote to the darkness. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you practice experiencing pleasure without making it goal-oriented or trying to achieve orgasm, but rather just to experience all the pleasurable sensations your body is capable of, you win every time.

So here’s an exercise that helps you to expand your orgasms: Anyone with any set of genitals of any gender identity can practice this. You can do it alone or with a partner. This takes about an hour, generally, and it takes a lot of practice. You gotta choose how you spend your time. You could do this or you could just like watch Netflix. It is not necessary in order to be a sexually-well person by any means; it is the equivalent of running a marathon. Nobody needs to do it, but if you need a hobby, I recommend this one. Versions of this are part of tantric meditations where they use Kundalini breathing in order to access different spiritual states, but ultimately, it’s about the physiology of how orgasm tension generates and dissipates. And when you can get to a place where as much tension is coming in as is going out at the same time, it’s like every cell in your body is resonating at the same rhythm, like you’re a bell that’s ringing. You’re gonna notice some things about this practice that will probably remind you of mindfulness or other forms of meditation, especially breath meditation.

I’m gonna ask you to pay attention to the sensations that are happening in your body. And that comes really easily to some people, and for others, it is quite difficult. They get distracted, and that’s fine. Like a mindfulness practice, if you notice other distracting thoughts come along, and maybe it’s a thought about body self-criticism, maybe it’s a thought about the past, just, “Hello, distracting thought. I’m gonna put you on a shelf right now, and I’m gonna turn my attention back to the sensations that are happening all over my body.”

Every orgasm is different from every other orgasm, but there are some strategies that work for a lot of people to move in the direction of having quite an enormous orgasm. You imagine arousal from like zero, not at all aroused to 10, currently having an orgasm. You stimulate yourself in whatever way works for you up to about a five, and then you allow that arousal to dissipate. You let yourself get back down to a one. So a one just feels like just barely any attention drifting toward orgasm. And then you stimulate yourself back up to a six, right? This is still a middle level of arousal. You’re not very aroused, you’re nowhere near orgasm. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a two and then you stimulate yourself back up to a seven. And if you are at the beginning of this process, you’re gonna be learning what seven feels like versus a three, which you’re gonna let your arousal drift back down to a three, and then you’re going up to an eight. And at eight, you’re real aroused. You might see the orgasm train coming to the station. It’s not there yet, but you can hear it- there’s a whistle. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a four or a five. And then you go up to an eight and a half, go back down to a six. And up to a nine.

Now when you get to a nine, the orgasm train is pulling into the station and the doors are opening and you would like to get on, but you’re gonna put active effort into allowing your arousal to dissipate. Remember, it’s neurophysiological tension, so you’re just going to allow the tension. You’re literally going to breathe and soften all the muscles of your body because as you get to that eight, eight and a half, nine level of arousal, you’re gonna begin to experience carpal pedal spasms, carpal like carpal tunnel syndrome. Your hands are gonna clutch and your feet are gonna point and your ankles. And that’s involuntary. And you’re gonna make a voluntary choice to soften all of your muscles and let your arousal go back down to a seven, which is a high level of arousal but it’s not an eight or a nine. And you go back up to a nine and a half. Now at a nine and a half, you’ve got one foot on the train and it might feel like it’s pulling outta the station. And you know what? If the train pulls outta the station while you’re on the orgasm train, “Oh dear, you had an orgasm.” That’s not failure, right? But, if you can, you keep your foot off the orgasm train and you go back down to an eight, nine and three quarters and an eight and a half, and a 9.85 where you are really close like you can feel the orgasm right there. And you’re gonna soften all the muscles in your body from your core out to the periphery. And at this point, you are oscillating right at the peak of where orgasm is. And if you can maintain a balance of tension generation and tension relaxation, you can stay in that state and sustain it indefinitely.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is a ruined orgasm?

— Intentionally spoiling an orgasm could actually improve sex for some people.

By Beth Ashley

Most people will hear “ruined orgasm,” which are sometimes referred to as “spoiled orgasms” and assume they’re not in for a good time. But, for some people, messing up orgasms during partnered and solo sex when they’re just about to get going, is the hottest thing going.

Ruined orgasms are exactly what they sound like. You aim towards an orgasm, and then spoil it before it can fully materialise. There are some similarities with edging, which is the practice of stopping an orgasm just before it happens and repeatedly edging towards it before allowing yourself to climax. Only, with a ruined orgasm, that eventual satisfaction never comes. It’s all about leaving yourself/your partner without the satisfaction of actually orgasming.

Orgasms are great. They feel earth-shattering in a good way when executed right. So, why on earth would anyone want theirs ruined, you ask?

Why ruin your orgasm?

Well, sex educator Emme Witt who runs the sex newsletter Sugar Cubed, says it’s all about control, and “consensual force,” which is pretty hot to some people. Those who enjoy practising BDSM in their sex lives may take on the roles of ‘sub’ (submissive) and ‘dom’ (dominant) to heighten their pleasure experiences and play with power in the bedroom in a consensual way. Often, this can look like the dom setting the sub a particular set of rules they must abide by, or agreeing to only take part in certain sex acts when the dom says it’s okay to. The dom gets pleasure from having these rules followed, and the sub experiences pleasure by, well, submitting.

“There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”

Witt says playing with ruined orgasms falls perfectly into this type of power exploration in BDSM. “Ruined orgasms can be a way [for a dominant to play by] letting a submissive know that they have been promised an orgasm in reward for [following orders], but just when they think they’ll be experiencing an ecstatic release, the dominant is going to ruin that pleasure.” She adds that for those with a humiliation kink, ruined orgasms can be a great time as the feeling can be degrading.

Of course, this is all pre-negotiated before sex starts and safe words are in place to avoid anyone getting hurt (you can read all about this process and how to do it properly here).

Chris, who works in advertising, tells Mashable he enjoys ruined orgasms because the appeal can be “split into the physical sensation and the emotional/psychological dynamic. Physically, I enjoy the build-up, and the repeated edging that usually accompanies a ruined orgasm scenario. There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”

He also says it pairs well with other aspects of submission and masochism, which he finds appealing, such as “Giving someone else control over my pleasure; watching them get off on the control; the skill, precision, knowledge and communication between us that it takes to ruin an orgasm properly; and just being denied the thing I want most sexually at that critical moment.”

It also leaves him “incredibly horny and needy” and wanting to have sex again straight away, which is fun!

So is a ruined orgasm basically no orgasm at all?

Sexologist Lilith Foxx says “essentially, the body continues with the physical reactions of ejaculation and/or muscular contractions of orgasm, but because the follow through of sensation is abruptly stopped, the emotional and physical ‘release’ does not occur.”

While there might not be a “proper” orgasm, there is “a loss of control, coupled with the release of endorphins, oxytocin, and other hormones that lead to the receiver experiencing increased euphoria, vulnerability, and ‘submission’ to the giver” which, for some people, is as satisfying as an orgasm.

After all, orgasms aren’t the be-all-or-end-all of sex. They shouldn’t be our sole goal during sex; pleasure should.

How are ruined orgasms different from forced orgasms or edging?

A forced orgasm is consensually forcing someone to have an orgasm quickly, either by masturbating them, demanding they masturbate themselves (again, this is all with explicit pre-agreed consent, safe words, and boundaries) or using a vibrator on them.

Edging, also known as orgasm control, is a sexual technique where you maintain a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period without reaching climax. It is in the same “family” of activities as ruined and forced orgasms, but it works differently.

All of these acts involve orgasm control, but they differ in their outcomes. Edging aims to increase orgasm intensity, forced orgasms force people to orgasm quickly, while a ruined orgasm deliberately reduces it.

While they’re not the same, they can be used together for an extra kinky night.

Are there any risks involved with ruined orgasms?

Lilith Foxx notes that, sometimes, feelings of intensity, vulnerability, frustration, and insecurity can occur during ruined orgasm play due to the sudden loss or reduction in sexual stimulation and attention. “The receiver might feel emotionally activated and could even cry,” she warns.

Just like with all types of play, the giver should be prepared to provide aftercare and ensure that the receiver feels emotionally safe and comforted. Lilith Foxx says this might even be needed later on, as not all people will have an immediate reaction. “These feelings can come days or even weeks after.”

How do I get started with ruined orgasm?

Ruined orgasms are really not for everyone. As Witt says, ruining someone’s orgasm isn’t the same as pulling out a pair of fur-lined handcuffs and playing around with a riding crop or a little bondage in bed. They work best for people who enjoy punishment and/or or sub/dom roles during sex.

If you or your partner has enjoyed another kind of punishment-based BDSM play before, it might be that ruined orgasms are for you. In this case, Witt says you must communicate with your partner before, after and during the entire encounter. “Partners really need to be on the same page with the desire to delve into this territory,” she says.

She recommends watching skilled kinksters and sex workers carry out ruined orgasms in ethical videos, or taking a class from a kink workshop, to make sure you go into this sort of play with as much knowledge as possible.

As with any sexual activity, communication is key. Lilith Foxx says it’s important to discuss comfort levels, boundaries, safe words, and how you might signal when you’re about to climax. “One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request. This signals to them that you are about to climax and plays with the power dynamic, but doesn’t feel so ‘clinical’ in application,” she says.

“One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request.”

Chris adds the excitement of ruined orgasms is all in the build-up. While it’s best to discuss ruined orgasms beforehand for consent exchanges and boundary discussion, that conversation can also be really sexy.

“The verbal teasing, the exploration of different options/scenarios and the period of self-denial for days leading up to it can make a ruined orgasm exponentially hotter,” he says, noting that ruined orgasm can also be hot during manual and oral sex rather than just focusing on penis-in-vagina sex, and also marries well with other kinks like anal sex or pegging.

Once you’re ready to get going, Foxx says the simplest method is to to stop or significantly reduce stimulation just as you or your partner near climax. The giver can try adding in words to play up the situation as well, like “Nope! You haven’t earned your orgasm” just as they stop stimulation entirely.

And there you have it, a kinky ruined orgasm that leaves one of you with the power and one of you feeling unfulfilled and gagging for more. Hot.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Best sex advice of 2023

— So far

From lasting longer in bed to our top orgasm tip.

BY Anna Iovine 

In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice. Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.

Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.

Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).

Set your boundaries

Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.

Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.

Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?

If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.

Top orgasm tip

If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”

How can I last longer in bed?

Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.

I want to try kink…

Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”

How to have sober sex

We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

1
Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

2
A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information — there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

4
It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

5
Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

7
The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: “Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

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‘Between pleasure and health’

— How sex-tech firms are reinventing the vibrator

British firm MysteryVibe’s original vibrator was designed to alleviate pain in the vagina.

A new wave of sex toys is designed to combine orgasmic joy with relief from dryness, tension and pain

By

At first glance, it could be mistaken for a chunky bracelet or hi-tech fitness tracker. But the vibrations delivered by this device will not alert you to a new message or that you have hit your daily step goal. Neither are they strictly intended for your wrist.

Welcome to the future of vibrators, designed not only for sexual pleasure, but to tackle medical problems such as vaginal dryness, or a painful and inflamed prostate gland in men.

“The current standard of care if you go to a therapist, gynaecologist or urologist, is they will insert one or two fingers to reach the painful areas and massage them to alleviate the pain,” said Soumyadip Rakshit, CEO and co-founder of sex-tech company MysteryVibe.

“We bring together the best of biomedical engineering to recreate what currently works, so people can access these therapies easily, discreetly and cost effectively.”

MysteryVibe is not the only company that is striving to alter our relationship with sex toys. A “smart vibrator” developed by the US-based startup Lioness contains sensors that measure women’s pelvic floor movements, allowing them to track how their arousal and orgasms may be changing over time or in response to stress or alcohol. An “erection ring” developed by US company FirmTech claims to enhance men’s performance while tracking the duration and turgidity of their erections and the number of nocturnal episodes they experience – an indicator of cardiovascular health.

Dr Rakshit in the lab. MysteryVibe is funding research to back up their scientific claims.

“There are a number of different products that are now sort of skirting the line between pleasure and health,” said Dr Rachel Rubin, a urologist and sexual medicine specialist based in Washington DC. “These companies today are focusing on [pelvic] anatomy and physiology, and using what we know to try to enhance pleasure, joy, intimacy and fun.”

MysteryVibe’s laboratory – the only facility conducting vibrator research and development within the UK – is incongruously housed in a former dairy in a rural business park near Guildford, Surrey. The first clue that this is no standard office unit is an issue of Playboy tucked behind a magazine about technology startups. Then I spot a tray of wand-shaped mechanical devices, in various states of undress, their bright components resembling children’s Duplo blocks.

These are stripped-back Crescendo vibrators, MysteryVibe’s original product, which was designed to target and release tender areas inside the vagina and alleviate pelvic pain, for example in women whose pelvic floor muscles have been damaged as a result of childbirth.

“The simple answer to pelvic pain is physiotherapy. But most mums either are unaware of this, or don’t have the time and/or money to pay for it,” Soumyadip said.

Registered as medical devices, and marketed at scientific conferences, such products are a far cry from the oversized dildos traditionally stocked by sex shops. MysteryVibe is even funding research to back up their scientific claims. Preliminary results from a small trial involving 11 women with genito-pelvic pain or penetration disorder – where the muscles around the vagina contract whenever an attempt is made to penetrate – suggested that using the Crescendo device three times a week for 12 weeks resulted in significant improvement.

Larger randomised trials are needed. But other scientific evidence supports the use of vibrators in various female health conditions too. According to a recent review by Dr Alexandra Dubinskaya, a urologist at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, and colleagues, they can improve pelvic floor muscle function, facilitate the treatment of vulvar pain and enhance women’s sexual experiences.

“We know that vibration causes vasodilation, meaning the vessels that bring blood to the organs get wider and can bring more blood. It also promotes neuromodulation, meaning it can retrain the nerves – especially those nerves responsible for pain perception,” Dubinskaya said.

Such products are also finding favour with pelvic health physiotherapists such as Katlyn Nasseri at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, US. She said that people experience pelvic pain due to overactive muscles, stress, anxiety, conditions such as endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome, and childbirth injuries.

Trauma or inflammation can cause the pelvic floor muscles to become overly toned, resulting in pain. Nasseri likens using a vibrator to using a massage gun to relieve stiff muscles elsewhere in the body: “Vibration is great for muscles; it helps them to relax really well. The same principle applies to the muscles of the pelvis.”

MysteryVibe’s latest products, scheduled for release later this year, are a vulval vibrator for women experiencing vaginal dryness and/or low libido, and a prostate vibrator designed to be inserted into the anus to relieve pain in men with inflamed prostate glands.

The MysteryVibe lab is the only place conducting vibrator research and development in the UK.

“The three common things that happen to men are that the prostate becomes larger as they become older, or it gets a cancer, and the third is prostatitis – inflammation, pain or infection in the prostate gland. Of these, perhaps the most difficult to treat is prostatitis,” said Prokar Dasgupta, a professor of urology and MysteryVibe’s medical director.

“One of the treatments is regularly massaging the prostate. This allows the congealed secretions inside the prostate that are the cause of the problem to come out. Rather than a urologist doing this manually, it can be done by the patient themselves using this device.”

Men also have pelvic floor muscles and can hold tension in them, just like women, said Rubin: “This can cause symptoms such as urinary frequency or urgency, pain with ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or premature or delayed orgasm.

“In addition, the prostate is very rich with nerves and pleasure spots that can really aid in orgasm and arousal.”

MysteryVibe’s vulval vibrator is designed to sit outside the body, can be moulded to a woman’s physiological dimensions, and can even be worn during intercourse. Whether it actually counters menopause-related dryness or reduced libido is as yet unproven, but menopause expert Dr Shahzadi Harper of The Harper Clinic in London suspects it might.

“We often say use it or lose it, but when you’re feeling tired, when your hormones change, when you’ve got so many other things going on, sex can slip down the sort of priority list. This is a nice gentle way to get confidence back in your body, reignite those nerve endings and boost blood flow to the clitoris and pelvic area, which stimulates the cells that help with lubrication.”

Dr Paula Briggs, chair elect of the British Menopause Society and a consultant in sexual and reproductive health at Liverpool Women’s NHS Foundation Trust, said that a vulval vibrator could stimulate collagen-producing cells in the vaginal wall to become active again, reversing some of the thinning that occurs following menopause. Although regular sex can achieve a similar thing, “the difference with a vibrator is that the woman is in control”.

She now advises patients to experiment with a small, tapered vibrator because penetration can be difficult, and often very painful, for such women. Briggs cautioned that vibrator use alone was unlikely to combat vaginal dryness in women whose arousal issues stem from psychological causes, including physical or emotional trauma or stress.

Kate Walsh, physiotherapy lead at Liverpool Women’s Hospital, agreed. Combined with other techniques such as mindfulness and breathing exercises, a vibrator can help women to “reprogram” the way their bodies process sensation, helping to make sex pleasurable again.

“Women will come in with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos that they’ve spent money on, but if they don’t understand the context of why they’re doing this, it is unlikely to work,” she said.

“I’m not saying that someone who is struggling with pain or arousal needs to jump straight into psychosexual counselling, but they’ve got to understand that what’s feeding it isn’t always just a physical thing – the physical and psychological interact.”

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Can You Have a Bad Orgasm?

— When thinking about orgasms, many of us associate them with feelings of pleasure. However, this isn’t always the case. Research has found that people experience bad orgasms, even during consensual sexual activity. Let’s explore how these orgasms can happen and the reasons they occur.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that many people had experienced a bad orgasm during consensual sexual activity, adversely affecting their sexuality, relationships, and mental health.
  • Reasons for bad orgasms included weak orgasms due to societal emphasis on orgasms, narrow gender roles and sexual scripts, poor intimacy, painful orgasms, shame and guilt about sex, gender dysphoria, and racial fetishization.
  • People can manage physical and emotional needs related to bad orgasms by seeking safety, using at-home treatments such as heat or ice packs, and communicating with their partners.

Do bad orgasms happen?

Although orgasms are typically thought of as pleasurable experiences, research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that people engaging in consensual sexual activities can actually experience bad orgasms.

The study surveyed 726 participants about past sexual experiences where they may have felt pressure to have sex, pressure to orgasm, or agreed to sex they didn’t really desire. The findings revealed that around 55% of participants had experienced a bad orgasm in such situations.

These types of orgasms were found to have adverse effects on the participant’s sexuality, relationships, and mental health.

Reasons why people experience a bad orgasm

The study found that there were multiple reasons that people experienced a bad orgasm.

Weak orgasm

Some people in the study reported that their orgasms were weaker and less pleasurable than they had in the past. A reason for this occurring could be the emphasis that we as a society put on orgasms as the defining ending of sex, as well as an indicator of its success. Attempting to have an orgasm, even when we’re not really into it, could cause orgasms to be weaker.

Narrow gender roles and sexual scripts

Similar to the reasons above, some participants in the study found that narrow gender roles and sexual scripts led to negative orgasms. Some women within the study felt pressured to orgasm to please their partners, and men also experienced unpleasurable orgasms due to these narrow gender roles and sexual scripts.

Some participants stated that they felt pressured to perform and meet the unrealistic stereotypes of being able to orgasm easily or always wanting sex. Additionally, some bisexual men felt pressure to orgasm when having sex with a woman to not be perceived as gay, which resulted in a bad orgasm.

Poor intimacy

Other study participants claimed that orgasms with a partner without a close intimate connection were unpleasant. A bad physical and emotional connection with a partner may make it difficult for some to fully relax and let go during sexual activity, hindering the ability to reach orgasm or making it less pleasurable.

Painful orgasms

Some participants stated that the reason for their bad orgasms was pain. While pain during orgasms can indicate sexual dysfunction, many participants in the study attributed their pain to specific circumstances, such as their bodies not being sufficiently aroused for sex, being too tired, or the orgasm taking too long to occur.

Shame and guilt

Other participants attributed their bad orgasms to their shame and guilt about sex due to religious and sociocultural factors.

Gender dysphoria

Gender dysphoria, particularly for transgender individuals, was identified as another reason for unpleasant orgasms. For some, an orgasm served as an anxious reminder of the mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity, leading to an unpleasant orgasm.

Fetishization

People of color who participated in the study reported that racial fetishization caused moral conflicts about the sexual experience, leading to negative orgasms.

Other reasons people may experience a bad orgasm

Aside from the reasons mentioned above, some sexual dysfunctions can cause an orgasm to feel bad or unpleasant.

Anorgasmia

Anorgasmia is characterized by delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms or experiencing orgasms that are significantly less intense, even after being sexually aroused and adequately stimulated. It can happen to people of all sexes, although it is less common in people with penises.

For people with a vulva, it is a symptom of sexual dysfunction — female orgasmic disorder, while in penis owners, it is likely a symptom of delayed ejaculation. Anorgasmia is caused by several factors, including stress, depression, anxiety, relationship factors, menopause, and certain medications.

Anhedonia

Anhedonia is a rare condition characterized by the inability to experience pleasure from an orgasm. This phenomenon is commonly observed in individuals with penises and is sometimes referred to as “pleasure dissociative orgasmic dysfunction” or “ejaculatory anhedonia.” Despite being able to ejaculate normally, individuals with anhedonia do not experience any pleasure during the act.

While they may achieve an erection and recognize that they are having an orgasm, the neural pathways in their brain responsible for interpreting these sensations as pleasurable are absent. The cause of the disorder is unknown, but for most people suffering from sexual anhedonia, it is unlikely that it will be permanent.

What to do if you experience a bad orgasm?

Depending on the reason for your bad orgasm, there are different methods to help you manage any physical or emotional needs.

  • Seek safety. If you feel unsafe for any reason, it’s important that you seek safety as soon as you can do so safely.
  • Use at-home treatments. If the cause of your bad orgasm was pain, you could use at-home remedies such as an ice pack and a heat pack to help alleviate the pain. If you have a small tear on the genitals, place an ice pack on the affected area to help with the pain. If you experience pelvic pain, a heat pack on the lower part of the stomach will help.
  • Communicate. If you feel pressured into having an orgasm to please your partner, you should communicate this to them so that you can work on ways to increase pleasure in further sexual experiences.

Many people will experience a bad orgasm in their lifetime. However, if you consistently experience them, it’s an indication that you may need to speak to a doctor along with a mental health professional, such as a sex therapist, in order to understand why it’s happening, and work out an individual treatment plan, to prevent it from happening in the future.

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Expert Shares Why You May Be Struggling To Orgasm With Your Partner

BY Tessa Somberg

At various points in our lives, orgasms can be the ultimate bliss and the ultimate frustration. Remember that our relationships with our bodies can be fluid and changeable, and sometimes, this can change the sex we have with our partners. For many women, achieving orgasm with a partner can be a challenge — even when achieving orgasm alone, or with the assistance of something akin to a handy-dandy vibrator, comes easily. We may start to blame ourselves, our partners may start to blame themselves, and the bedroom can start to feel anxiety-provoking, rather than a relaxing space to unwind and enjoy all the pleasures our bodies can feel.

Should you be looking for solutions to easier orgasms, but you’re having trouble honing in on what could be addressed, we have some ideas for you. Women spoke exclusively with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, to better understand what barriers might need to be broken to achieve orgasm with your partner. She said, “Sex is not a performance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Take the pressure off of yourself and focus on enjoying the moment. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go as planned; it happens to the best of us.”

Put your body first

Whether you have recently been struggling to orgasm in the bedroom, or have been struggling for some time, the stress of wondering, “Am I going to orgasm this time?” could be enough to stop you from being in the moment. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Sometimes, our brains can get in the way of our bodies. If you’re too worried about whether or not you’re going to orgasm, you might end up putting too much pressure on yourself and making it harder to actually get there.” In order to combat this, remind yourself that when it comes to sex, there is no race to the finish; there is no “right” amount of time it “should” take to get to orgasm. Instead, feeling and embracing pleasure throughout the sex act is part of the experience.

Should you feel your mind racing during sex, and the anxiety over your orgasm has set in, try to redirect your thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. Remind yourself that it is okay to let go of the expectation of orgasm. Perhaps you will be surprised how far that can take you.

Prioritize quality stimulation

Remember also that, when engaging in sex with a new partner, it could simply take time to learn about each other’s bodies. And, of course, knowing your own body is key. “Masturbation can be a helpful way to learn what types of touch and stimulation feel good for you,” Dr. Aliyah Moore said, speaking exclusively with Women. “When you know what feels good for you, it can be easier to communicate that to your partner and guide them to provide the stimulation you need to reach orgasm.”

While you might feel self-conscious speaking up to your partner when you want them to do something different, keep in mind that your partner wants to please you. You can communicate before sex, or gently guide your partner through movements that feel good to you during sex as well. “Approach the issue with empathy and an open mind, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you,” Dr. Moore said. “Try to avoid blame or criticism and instead focus on finding ways to support each other and address the issue together.” Do not be afraid to tell your partner when a certain action does not feel good, either. Incorporating longer foreplay into your sexual encounters has also been shown to increase the rate of orgasm, according to a 2014 article published in Human Reproductive Biology.

Review your medications

Being on certain kinds of medications, namely antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka SSRIs, can also significantly impact one’s ease in having an orgasm. For those whose depression symptoms are significantly improving on medication, but are still having trouble in bed, there are some ways you can work around side effects that might include lack of sex drive, or difficulty reaching orgasm.

First, know that over time, the side effects of SSRIs on your libido can sometimes fade as your body adjusts to the medication. Should you have just started your treatment and feel frustrated with the changes in your sex life, do what you can to be gentle with yourself, and give the circumstances some patience. Should the issue persist, “Talk to your doctor,” Dr. Aliyah Moore suggested, speaking exclusively with Women. “If you’re experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor to rule out any underlying medical conditions or medication side effects that could be contributing to the problem. Your doctor may be able to suggest treatments or adjustments to your medication that could help,” she said. This could include anything from lowering the dose when appropriate, to switching medications to see if the issue continues.

Assess your physical health issues

A number of physical issues could also hinder your ability to orgasm in bed. One is anorgasmia. According to Mayo Clinic, “Anorgamsia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.”

There are other issues, too. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Unfortunately, certain health conditions can impact our sexual function. Diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injuries are just a few examples. But even things like hormonal imbalances or thyroid issues can play a role.”

There are also several kinds of sexual dysfunction disorders that could contribute to issues with orgasming, where symptoms could include having pain during sex, perhaps caused by ovarian cysts or fibroids, and having a lack of sexual desire or arousal. Age does tend to be a factor in many sexual dysfunction disorders, however. For any number of these concerns, see a doctor or specialist for treatment plans and ideas.

Consider the role of past trauma

ƒsubPast trauma can also be a sensitive barrier to achieving orgasm. When you have had a traumatic experience surrounding sex, reclaiming your body can be a process that necessitates care, love, attention, and trust. Survivors of sexual assault, for example, might experience self-blame, disgust, or otherwise feel disconnected from their bodies, which can make sexual experiences hard to enjoy. Some may even have flashbacks of the traumatic incident. Know that it is possible to repair your relationship with your body and with sex, even when it feels challenging. Understanding your triggers and boundaries, as well as engaging in robust communication, are just a few ideas that can help shape what you want out of your sexual experiences.

Perhaps you might simply be having issues in your relationship that make having an orgasm difficult. “If past trauma or relationship issues are impacting your ability to orgasm, working with a therapist can be helpful in addressing these issues,” said Dr. Aliyah Moore, speaking exclusively with Women. She continued, “A therapist who specializes in sexual issues can help you work through any underlying psychological factors that may be impacting your ability to reach orgasm.” And where therapy is financially unfeasible, explore sexual education resources online. The sex exploration app Ferly, for example, offers expert guides, insight, and community for a small fee each month.

In the end, Dr. Moore advised, “Be gentle with yourself and your partner: It’s important to remember that sexual function can be impacted by various factors, and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.”

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5 Myths About Orgasms We Need To Put To Bed

By Amanda Chatel
When it comes to orgasms, there’s a hotbed of myths surrounding them. The reason for this is because they’re shrouded in mystery. To give you an example of just how mysterious the orgasm is, especially for those with vulvas, according to a 2005 study published in HHS Author Manuscripts, it wasn’t until the mid-1990s that researchers, via MRI, discovered the clitoris has an internal component. The MRI also found that this inner part was far bigger than the exposed bulb and the clitoris has erectile tissue similar to that of a penis, giving some much-needed insight into the clitoris and how it impacts orgasms from the outside and inside.

What makes the orgasm for those with vulvas even more puzzling for researchers is that it’s not necessary for pregnancy, unlike when someone with a penis orgasms and releases sperm meant to fertilize, resulting in conception. Our orgasm is essentially an enigma, per The New York Times. But where there’s a mystery, rumors will follow. Here are five of the most common myths about orgasms that we’re putting to bed right now.

Everyone should be able to orgasm through penetration alone

If ever there were a myth that needed to be debunked, shattered, and put out to pasture it’s that penetration equals orgasm for everyone. If only it were that easy. Study after study has found that the majority of people with a vulva can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. While those percentages vary based on the participants, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 36.6% need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, while only 18.4% reported that penetration alone could bring them to climax.

But it’s not only people with vulvas who need more than penetration to orgasm. Per a 2016 study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, contrary to what we might have been taught, those with penises don’t actually have a 100% orgasm rate during penetrative sex either — it’s “[m]ore than 90%,” according to the Scandinavian Journal of Sexology. Granted, that’s pretty darn close to 100%, thereby illustrating that the orgasm gap is indeed legitimate, but it’s important to realize that penetration alone simply doesn’t do it for everyone.

Sex is only good if there’s an orgasm involved

Because our culture puts so much emphasis on orgasms, we often forget that great sex doesn’t have to involve them. Especially if you take into consideration the fact that some people struggle to orgasm or don’t orgasm at all. If we reduce sex — in all its forms — to just achieving orgasms, then we all lose. Just as much as intercourse isn’t the only type of sex one can have, orgasm isn’t the only result of sex that can be experienced.

“There are a million reasons why we choose to be sexual, ranging from wanting intimacy, for excitement, to relieve boredom and to feel attractive,” psychosexologist Dr. Karen Gurney tells Refinery 29. “Many of these motivations can give us pleasure without getting anywhere near orgasm … The psychological and physical processes which result in orgasm involve a complex interplay between receiving bodily sensations that we enjoy, situations which we find erotic, and our ability to focus our attention on all of these things.”

When we put too much importance on having an orgasm, we miss out on properly enjoying the ride. Sex is a journey, from beginning to end, with a lot of different sensations and methods to experience arousal along the way. In fact, concentrating so much on coming can make it even harder to achieve.

There’s only one type of orgasm

When we hear the word “orgasm,” we tend to immediately think of climax that results from clitoral stimulation or, if you have a penis, when ejaculation occurs. But, and this might be some of the most exciting news you’ll read in a long time, there are several types of orgasms.

In addition to the clitoral orgasm, there’s the vaginal orgasm (also known as the G-spot orgasm) as well as the blended orgasm, which is experiencing both the clitoral and vaginal orgasms at the same time. There are also multiple orgasms; the anal orgasm; and the nipple orgasm (yes, some people can climax from nipple stimulation!) With the hotly debated squirting orgasm, fluid (not urine) is released from the urethral glands. The coregasm is induced by core-focused exercise, while skin orgasms, also known as music orgasms, are usually dismissed as goosebumps. Sleep orgasms are those delightful no-effort orgasms that we have while getting some proper shuteye. The U-spot orgasm results from urethral stimulation, while the A-spot orgasm has to do with the anterior fornix, which is located roughly a couple of inches above the G-spot.

Not only are there so many types of orgasms that can be experienced, but there are different intensities that can be felt with each. If that weren’t enough, genital orgasms can be broken up into three categories: avalanche, volcano, and wave. According to a 2022 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, these orgasms are the result of the tension being held in the pelvic floor — in case you needed another reason to practice your Kegel exercises regularly. Fun fact: a strong pelvic floor means stronger and even longer orgasms.

Using sex toys on a regular basis will desensitize your genitals

Sex toys have finally become mainstream, and are no longer something that one should feel shy about purchasing or owning. Sex toy innovation has reached extraordinary heights and with so many pleasure companies being owned by people with vulvas, these products are being created to help close that aforementioned orgasm gap.

Sex toys of all kinds are great for not just orgasms, but experimentation and self-exploration. Because, after all, you never really know what gets you off until you try something new. But despite this, a rumor persists that using sex toys, vibrators in particular, too often is going to desensitize the genitals (most notably the clitoris) making orgasm more difficult to achieve — especially during partnered sex. Simply, that’s not how the body works.

“What actually happens with a vibrator is that you tend to reach the climax faster because you are being intensely stimulated, more so than a finger or hand,” sex therapist Rachel Hoffman tells Insider. “Therefore, when you compare a session with your vibrator to a session with a partner (without a vibrator) it might feel very different, creating the myth of desensitization.”

Different types of stimulation create different types of sensations. But if your clitoris has started to rely more on your vibrator for orgasms than other types of stimulation — for example, your partner’s hands or tongue — then you can take a sex toy break. However, desensitizing your genitals just isn’t a thing.

If you can’t orgasm, there’s something wrong with you

Short answer: this is absolutely, positively not true. According to a 2000 study published in Current Psychiatry Reports, 10% to 15% of those with vulvas experience anorgasmia — the inability to orgasm. Anorgasmia is a disorder that isn’t just the complete absence of orgasms after sexual arousal, but it can also result in delayed climax, or rare and less intense orgasms (via Mayo Clinic).

For some, anorgasmia can be a lifelong disorder in which an orgasm is never achieved, or it can be something that comes about over one’s lifetime, or it can be situational in that you have a million other things on your plate and your head just isn’t in the game. But no matter the reason, the inability to orgasm isn’t a flaw, nor does it mean you’re broken or can’t enjoy sex. It means you enjoy sex differently than those who are able to orgasm.

As much as orgasms are a wonderful experience, it’s paramount to keep in mind that pleasure looks and feels different for everyone. If your main mode of satisfaction is an orgasm, that’s great. But keeping in mind just how complicated human sexuality is, it’s also essential to know that orgasms don’t hit the spot for everyone in the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Female Porn Director Shares Her Best Sex Tips

— Anna Richards is the founder of ethical porn platform FrolicMe, which portrays sex in a positive, female-focused light. Believing we’re all capable of having great sex, she says the secret is losing your inhibitions and getting comfortable with what turns you on. From the importance of switching up your stimuli to why dropping expectations in the bedroom can be liberating, here are her tips…

By Tor West

Enjoy It

“Sex is supposed to be fun, and feel good, but in a long-term relationship it can be easy to forget who we are having sex for. This means we don’t stop to look at what sort of sex we enjoy. Remember, we aren’t having sex for anyone else. Too often, we are overly focused on the man’s experience, convinced we need to affirm to him that we are ‘good in bed’ by bringing him to orgasm. However, for sex to be great, we need to have sex for ourselves. Plus, there’s no more of a turn-on for a man than being in the presence of a woman losing herself to her own pleasure.”

Keep The Brain Stimulated

“The brain is our biggest sexual organ, and it needs stimulating to have great sex. In a long-term relationship, it can be easy to slip into maintenance sex to get the job done, but to keep it fresh, you need to change the dynamic. Taking sex out of the bedroom is a good start or try having sex at a different time of the day, like before dinner, so you can relish in the afterglow together earlier in the evening. It’s okay to need to work at reviving your libido as it can be a struggle to put yourself in the mood. Turning to sex-positive ethical erotica sites like FrolicMe or engaging in erotic stories is a great way to stimulate your desire by liberating your erotic imagination.”

Create Your Own Pleasure

“Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t revel in the sexual highs and pleasures of sex. Being single is a great time to explore your own body and learn what it is you enjoy and desire. By exploring your own body through solo masturbation, you will learn so much more about what turns you on for when you are in a partnered relationship. We don’t always know what we like until we give it a try. Get involved with a clitoral stimulator – the choice has never been better, and they can help you reach orgasm. Watch masturbation erotica and learn new techniques – you can even film yourself talking to your phone as you enjoy some solo time. Explain how you feel and what’s turning you on as your body responds to your touch. If you’re in a relationship, you can even send it to your partner – it can feel mind-blowing to know you are thinking of them as you pleasure yourself, as well as being watched.”

If you’re confident in bed KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT, that’s a HUGE TURN-ON for your partner.

Talk About It

“Sex is about pleasure and connection with yourself and your partner. It’s important to communicate and be open with your partner about what you enjoy and what you want. Help each other achieve this desired satisfaction – if it’s reaching an orgasm, talk about what would help and how you can achieve it together. Perhaps you need to incorporate some toys and accessories into your play to help with more sexual stimulus. Take time to explore what you enjoy and let your lover know. If you’re confident in bed knowing what you want, that’s a huge turn-on for your partner.”

Experiment With Joint Masturbation

“It’s a very sexy way to quickly understand and learn how and where your partner stimulates themselves, and what it is they enjoy to reach climax. You can then apply these techniques during partner play in the knowledge of how much it turns them on. Plus, it increases the excitement to know you’re being watched. It can feel great to let your partner hold a toy on you as you masturbate. You can tell and guide them to what you like and where you like it.”

Listen To Audio Porn

“Explore stimulating and arousing your mind by tapping into audio porn, which will fuel your mind with erotic thoughts – you’ll be surprised at how quickly you will feel aroused. Audio porn allows the listener to feel part of a shared fantasy, setting the scene as you may wish to imagine it, creating your personal erotic porn of choice to stimulate pleasure.”

Get Spooning

“Spooning is a classic and simple sex position that’s great for when you’re feeling lazy but crave intimacy. The partner behind you can penetrate you deeply while reaching around and holding you in their arms or touching your genitals and nipples. It’s a great position for new parents who may barely have the energy to move at the end of the day but still want to feel intimate. To level up, try going side by side, which is like spooning. Both lie on your sides but facing each other – the partner being penetrated will wrap their legs above the other partner’s legs to create room for them both and allow deeper penetration. This can feel intimate as you can look into each other’s eyes.”

Penetrative sex SHOULDN’T ALWAYS BE THE FOCUS – sex is about pleasure, which can take many forms.

Go Slow

“If you struggle to have an orgasm during sex, you’re not alone. Don’t forget that less than 25% of women are capable of achieving orgasm through penetration alone and, as clitoris owners, we rely on additional sensations to help us achieve climax. Take the foot off the expectation pedal when it comes to climax, too, as the expectation of an orgasm can put pressure on and hinder your chances. Don’t forget that your partner could be the one to blame – not you. Perhaps they aren’t stimulating you in the right way. Remember you are responsible for your own orgasm, so communication on what you enjoy is important. Take it slow, play and arouse your body, and know that orgasms aren’t based on the clock. Taking your time doesn’t mean you’ve missed your chance. Being more mindful of the moment and letting your mind loose can be a great turn-on.”

Be Intimate

“Don’t think sex is all about penetration. Penetrative sex shouldn’t always be the focus – sex is all about pleasure, which can take many forms. Be creative and look at how you can be intimate with each other. Sex accessories can turn up the dynamic when it comes to sexy fun – blindfolds are good for kinky play while a bullet vibrator can help you achieve incredible orgasms. We still have expectations of sex where penetration is seen as the end of the game with a male ejaculating, and this needs to change. Bodies, pleasure and sexuality need to be equally discussed and normalised.”

Give Erotica A Chance

“Porn gives us the opportunity to expand our ideas, experiment and fantasise, and can inspire us to new forms of play. The problem is, mainstream porn is made for men. Woman-made and woman-centred ethical sites like FrolicMe can be a good place to start, allowing you to feel comfortable and safe. However, make sure you are not rushing into watching porn together until you are able to communicate your sexual needs. Certainly, you can’t get to watching threesomes and consensual BDSM if you are struggling to convey what turns you on. Be clear why you are wanting to share watching some porn with your partner and how you feel it might help with your own adventures. This will also help guide you to what sort of erotic films you should be viewing. Don’t try to be too ambitious in your viewing and build up your preferences through experience. Chat about what turns you on and what you would like to see but also what you wouldn’t.”

Don’t Overthink It

“Sometimes we feel sex is a much bigger issue than it really is. Sex is a part of our life, not our whole life. Rather than thinking of sex, think of it as pleasure and explore what you enjoy and what gets you off. This will help to remove the noise around sex and enable you to focus on yourself, exploring your body and revelling in the euphoria it can offer you. You don’t need someone else to help you evolve sexually – you can work on your own sexual evolution, so that when you have a partner, you can teach them exactly how to please you.”

Visit FrolicMe.com

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here she comes

— Closing the orgasm gap

By Cat Tang

When Sophia Wright finished the deed with her high school boyfriend, she looked over at him and thought: “This can’t be it, right?”

It was only until years later, when she got to university, that she first heard of the term “orgasm gap.” Since then, Wright has learned more about her sex life and orgasm equality.

“I didn’t even really know what an orgasm was for a woman at that time,” says Wright, now a fourth-year psychology and gender, sexuality and women’s studies student.

The orgasm gap is the difference in orgasm rates between men and women during partnered sexual experiences. In general, men are much more likely to experience orgasm than women.

“I was also still focused on, ‘Well, I’m not supposed to come, so why does it matter?’” says Wright, describing her mindset back in high school. “You get fed this narrative for such a long time — you do have to retrain yourself and unlearn these harmful things.”

A 2017 study analyzing a sample of over 50,000 United States adults found a significant gap in frequency of orgasm during sex between heterosexual men and women. Heterosexual and gay men reported orgasming 95 and 89 per cent of the time respectively, whereas bisexual and heterosexual women were the lowest, orgasming 66 and 65 per cent of the time. Bisexual men and lesbian women were reported to orgasm 88 and 86 per cent of the time.

Jaclyn Siegel, a social psychologist who completed her PhD at Western University in 2021, now teaches at San Diego State University. Siegel has a whole lecture dedicated to the orgasm gap in her psychology of human sexual behaviour course.

“We talk about sexual empowerment, sexual equality and the playing field being even now for women and men in heterosexual hookups — but it’s not true,” says Siegel.

Siegel says there are a variety of factors that affect the orgasm gap, one being poor understanding of female sexual anatomy and the type of stimulation needed for someone with female sexual anatomy to orgasm. This often includes clitoral stimulation.

“There’s an ongoing cultural joke that no one knows where the clitoris is, which is not funny. It’s sort of pathetic,” says Siegel. 

But lack of information about female sexual anatomy is almost universal. Oftentimes, young women don’t know much about their sexual anatomy either, creating a huge barrier in communicating with their partners about how they can reach an orgasm.

Wright didn’t know she had a clitoris until she was 15 years old — she didn’t even know what it looked like.

“I took a mirror and I was like, ‘Where the fuck is it?’” says Wright.

Looking back, Wright is astounded at just how little she knew about her own body. She recalls not even knowing urine came out of the urethra until she watched an episode of Orange is the New Black.

Her Ontario public school sex education was unhelpful. She never learned about masturbation, pleasure or orgasms in school.

The lack of information she received about female sexual anatomy — along with feeling like she wasn’t as thin as attractive women were typically depicted in the media — led her to feel shame about her body.

“I still feel shame around my vagina,” says Wright. “That was something when I got to university that I really had to get through: ‘Why am I feeling so much shame towards my own body? Why do I hate this part of my body so much?’ I felt so bad for people having sex with me.”

This self-consciousness led Wright to decline oral sex — a common way for people with female sexual anatomy to reach clitorial stimulation and achieve an orgasm — even when her partners offered.

Siegel says predominating sexual scripts — cultural attitudes and norms towards how sex is supposed to go — priotitizes those with male sexual anatomy over those with female sexual anatomy.

“If you genuinely believe a sexual experience is over as soon as a person with male sexual anatomy has an orgasm, you might not feel entitled to an orgasm because you think the sexual experience is over,” says Siegel.

While Siegel does cite men’s sexual entitlement as a contributing factor to the orgasm gap, she adds it’s important to not paint all men with broad strokes.

“In conversations, people are very quick to blame men for the orgasm gap. But women contribute to this by not telling their partners what type of stimulation they need,” says Siegel. “It’s not necessarily that men don’t want to help, they might not know how.”

A 2021 study found that when women are socialized to be more sexually assertive, it can lead to more frequent orgasms and higher sexual satisfaction.

Siegel attributes the patriarchy as the reasoning behind a woman’s hesitation in communicating what they sexually like. Women may feel like their pleasure doesn’t matter to their partner, or that speaking up may hurt their partner’s feelings and make them feel inadequate.

This leads to another factor Siegel strongly believes contributes to the orgasm gap: women faking their orgasms.

A 2015 study surveying 4,685 university students at the University of Maine found that 70 per cent of sexually-active women reported having faked an orgasm.

“When you lie to your partner by pretending you’ve had an orgasm, they don’t learn how to actually give you an orgasm. You reinforce behaviours that didn’t produce the outcome you wanted,” says Siegel.

While Wright has never faked an orgasm personally, she understands why many others do.

“I think a lot of women do it because sex sometimes is super fucking boring,” says Wright. “Sex just sucks sometimes. It’s like: ‘How do I get this over with? Let me make the loudest porn moaning noise that I can for me to get the fuck out of this.’”

Wright’s journey to sexual empowerment has been long and ongoing. She says it’s taken a lot of unlearning predominating sexual narratives and ideas of what women’s bodies are supposed to look like to get to where she is today.

Her current partner noticed she was struggling to orgasm during their first few months of dating, when they bought her a vibrator to throw into the mix. An attentive partner and a shift towards a more positive mindset about her own body has resulted in a vast improvement in Wright’s sex life.

Another thing Wright’s learned? She’s allowed to finish first.

“We should all be pursuing positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. “There are a variety of ways we can move toward orgasm equality, some of which are on women, some of which are on men.”

According to Siegel, there’s still work to be done — talking more about female sexual pleasure and learning more about the bodies of people with female sexual anatomy are just the start.

“You must understand your own body before you hope someone else will understand it,” says Siegel. “Get comfortable with yourself, figure out ways to make yourself feel good.”

Exploring your body comes in many different forms, from masturbation to experimenting with sex toys. Once you understand how you receive pleasure, it’s crucial to communicate that to your partner and emphasize your sexual pleasure is important too.

If your partner is unresponsive? Leave. 

“The only people who are worth having sex with, are the people who are willing to do what they need to do to give you a positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. 

An orgasm isn’t essential to having a satisfying sexual experience, but for many, it’s an enjoyable part. Bringing more attention to the orgasm gap is essential to achieving orgasm equality. 

“People deserve to have pleasure,” says Wright. “It’s jarring when we see men receiving that pleasure more than women.”

As for Wright’s high school boyfriend? She got rid of him a long time ago. Her current partner is attentive and lets her feel her pleasure is important too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Types of Orgasms and How to Feel Each of Them

— For people with vaginas, there are many different types of orgasms. The most common way of orgasm is through clitoral stimulation. Other types of orgasms include vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms. Some people have even experienced orgasms from working out and giving birth. Let’s look at the different kinds of orgasms, and the best ways to maximize your chances of experiencing them.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • People with vaginas can experience multiple types of orgasms, including clitoral, vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms, as well as orgasms from stimulating the breasts and nipples.
  • For people with vaginas, the most common way to achieve an orgasm is through stimulation of the external clitoris. Many people are unable to orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
  • If you are looking to explore new types of orgasms, set aside some time free of distractions so you can explore your body and find what feels pleasurable to you.

What exactly is an orgasm?

While there isn’t an exact definition of an orgasm, as everyone experiences them slightly differently, most people can agree that an orgasm is the peak of sexual arousal. Orgasms are seen as an intense feeling of physical pleasure, often resulting from the build-up of sexual stimuli.

An orgasm is the third stage in the sexual response cycle. It is characterized by a number of physical symptoms, including:

  • Pleasurable feelings in the genitals;
  • Increased heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing;
  • Involuntary muscles spasms;
  • Uterus contractions (for uterus owners);
  • Ejaculation (for penis owners);
  • Psychological feelings of pleasure.

While these are typical symptoms of an orgasm, it’s important to note that each person experiences them slightly differently.

Are there multiple types of orgasms?

Yes, however, the answer is a little more complicated, particularly for those with vaginas. Anecdotally, people with vaginas speak about experiencing different orgasms, such as clitoral and vaginal. But some research suggests that those who experience vaginal orgasms are doing so as a result of stimulation of the internal parts of the clitoris. The internal bulbs of the clitoris hug the outside of the vagina, so what some people may believe is a vaginal orgasm could be a clitoral orgasm.

Nevertheless, for many people, the sensations of these orgasms feel different and are obtained through different forms of stimulation, that’s why they have different names. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what type of orgasm you experienced or how you got there. All that matters is that it felt good, and you and those around you were safe.

What types of orgasms are there?

Anecdotally, people have experienced many different types of orgasms, with some being more common than others. Below we’ll explore some of the most common types of orgasms and some rarer types.

Clitoral orgasm

The clitoral orgasm is the most common type of orgasm for people with vaginas, with many people unable to orgasm without stimulation of the clitoris. Studies have found that 36.6% of people with vaginas can only orgasm from external clitoral stimulation. A further 36% of people say that while they don’t need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm, the stimulation of the clitoris during sex makes orgasms feel better.

The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone, with recent research finding that it contains around 10,000 sensory nerve endings. This makes it the go-to place for stimulation for many people. If you’re looking to orgasm from the clitoris, you’re in luck, as it can be stimulated in several ways, including orally, with fingers, or with sex toys.

Vaginal orgasm

While not all people with vaginas can orgasm from stimulation of the vagina, some can. Many different pleasurable spots can be stimulated in the vagina which can lead to orgasms. Many people find stimulation of the top wall of the vagina pleasurable (sometimes referred to as the G-spot). This could be due to its proximity to the external parts of the clitoris that wrap around this section of the vagina.

If you’re looking to orgasm from the vagina, try using a G-spot sex toy that is slightly curved, as this will help reach the specific area of the vagina. You can use the toy yourself or have a partner help you.

Anal orgasm

The anus and rectum also have a host of sensory nerve endings which can make anal play feel incredibly pleasurable, leading to an orgasm. However, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so a lot of lubrication is needed when stimulating this area. When using sex toys to stimulate the anus, you must use toys with a flared base, as toys without one risk being lost in the rectum and could require surgical removal.

There are many ways to stimulate this area, including stimulating the outside area with a mouth, fingers, or vibrator. Or internal stimulation with anal toys, fingers, or a penis.

Other types of orgasms

  • Cervical orgasm. A cervical orgasm is reached through stimulation of the lower part of the cervix, which is located high in the vagina and separates the vagina from the uterus. If you’re looking to orgasm from the cervix, only try stimulating it once you are turned on, as stimulation of this area at other times could feel uncomfortable;
  • Nipple orgasm. Some people can orgasm through stimulation of the breasts and nipples. Researchers believe that stimulation of this area may fire up the same part of the brain that lights up during genital stimulation. Orgasms in this area can be achieved through licking, sucking, and caressing the nipple and breasts;
  • Sleep orgasm. Many people can experience orgasms in their sleep by having sexually stimulating dreams, with no stimulation of the genitals. While this is more common in people with penises, people with vaginas also experience them. While this type of orgasm is a little harder to achieve, research suggests that it is more common for people who sleep on their stomachs;
  • Birth orgasm. While uncommon, some people have reported orgasms during birth, with no direct stimulation to the genitals;
  • Coregasm. Another rare form of orgasm, a ‘coregasm’ is a form of orgasm that is experienced when working out, particularly when lifting weights or working out the core. To achieve this kind of orgasm, get to the gym and explore multiple kinds of exercises such as squats, crunches, and pull-ups.

Can you feel all of them simultaneously?

While it may be hard to feel all forms of orgasms at once, it is possible to have what is known as a blended orgasm. A blended orgasm is achieved when stimulating two or more erogenous zones simultaneously to create a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.

This can be done by getting a partner to help you, using multiple sex toys or toys that are designed to stimulate two areas at once, like a rabbit-styled vibrator.

Tips for women looking to experience an orgasm

If you’re new to self-pleasure or haven’t been able to have an orgasm in the past, there are a few steps that you can apply to help you get there.

  • Eliminate distractions. Worrying that someone may bust through the door mid-session is a big mood killer, so make sure that your door is locked, your phone is set to silent, and you create a nice and relaxing atmosphere to enjoy yourself in;
  • Stay mindful. Another big mood killer is a busy mind. With too many thoughts racing around our heads, we’re unable to listen to our bodies. When exploring pleasure within the body, a clear mind is needed to pick up on what feels good and what doesn’t. To help clear the mind, practice mindfulness or meditation regularly;
  • Use toys. The stimulations given by vibrators and other toys can feel great. If you’re having trouble trying to orgasm, try out a few different types of toys, making sure that you have one dedicated to clitoral stimulation;
  • Use lube. Wetter is definitely better when it comes to sex. Any form of sex, whether it be solo play or penetration, feels more pleasurable with lubrication. Having sex without it can cause friction and tears, which is unlikely to result in an orgasm;
  • Focus on solo play. Focusing on masturbation can help us learn exactly what our bodies like, which is essential for feeling pleasure. During solo play, keep an open mind and get curious while exploring your body.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An explainer on the female orgasm

— How exactly does it work?

Let’s get that O.

By EVANGELINE POLYMENEAS

Many have looked far and wide in search of the elusive female orgasm. Those who have experienced one from penetrative sex have the power to congregate vulva owners everywhere to tell the tale of how they reached climax. The journey is filled with awkward moments, queefs and repetitive movement but they’ve lived to tell the tale and the rest of us want answers.

There is a myriad of myths surrounding the female orgasm and an oversaturation of misinformation. When I Googled it, millions of results appeared all promising 11 different types of female orgasms. If there are so many options, why is it so hard to get just one?

Too many of my friends answer a resounding ‘no’ to the question of whether they orgasmed during their latest sexual escapade, so I spoke to sex and pleasure coach, Clarke Rose, in an attempt to understand why.

“There is a huge orgasm gap. A lot of people with vulvas aren’t cumming,” Clarke tells me. So it’s a national pleasure emergency. Maybe we just don’t know what we’re searching for, so what is an orgasm exactly?

“An orgasm is such an expansive thing to define,” Clarke says. “I like to think of orgasms in a non-clinical sense as a high index of pleasure for anybody who’s feeling it. Technically speaking, it’s a peak of intense pleasure that sometimes creates altered states of consciousness and is usually accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.”

Essentially, euphoria. That sounds all well and good, but what about the other 10 orgasms Google promised? I ask Clarke whether there are different sorts of female orgasms and the answer was not what I was expecting.

“Yes and no. Orgasm can be stimulated from different parts of your body, [for example], some people can have an orgasm from their nipples being stimulated, some from anal sex, others from penetration, but they all achieve the same orgasm. It’s not like you have a vaginal orgasm or a clitoral orgasms. They are all the same thing, they are just being stimulated from a different area.”

Clarke notes that only 30 per cent of women can trigger orgasm from internal stimulation and that percentage doesn’t differentiate between whether the penetration was accompanied by clitoral stimulation or not. She attributes this low percentage to differences in anatomy. “It’s a matter of how much your urethral sponge, which sits right about the G-spot, is sensitive and full of erectile tissue.”

Clarke says we tend to hierarchise female orgasms in ways that we don’t with male orgasms. “For a woman, people ask whether they can cum from their clit, or vagina, or whether they can have a nipple orgasm, whereas with men, no one is asking if they had a blowjob orgasm, or a penetrative orgasm – their orgasms just get to be orgasms.”

Penis owners seem to orgasm so easily, so I wondered if there was a difference between male orgasms and female orgasms. “Anatomically speaking it’s super interesting because a person who has a penis, orgasms for biological reasons,” Clarke explains. “They need to orgasm to ejaculate for the sperm to come out and make a baby.”

She goes on to explain that there is no biological need for females to orgasm. At first, this idea might seem anti-feminist, but Clarke explains that it’s actually quite interesting. “When we were foetuses, we were made up of all the same parts [as males], we [females] just develop differently. People with vulvas got this ability to orgasm because men can, which is a fantastic bonus to our sexuality without the pressure of needing to [orgasm] every time or we fail.”

Despite the lack of biological pressure to orgasm, a lot of vulva owners can’t seem to reach climax with partners but have less of a problem on their own. So what’s the barrier that’s stopping many of us from achieving the big O?

“When we are with somebody, other things come up – maybe we are a little bit self-conscious, or afraid to ask for what we want, or are too focused on our partners,” Clarke explains. “Whereas when we are on our own, we can make whatever weird face we want. A lot of women also use toys to masturbate which makes it really easy. However, when you’re with a partner and they are just using their hand or tongue, it doesn’t compare to whatever eight-speed vibrator you have at home. It can be a bit more difficult for your body and mind to recognise that as a trigger for orgasm.”

Although there are definitely micro reasons that could prevent partner orgasms, women’s orgasms have been repressed at a cultural level as well. “Our culture prioritises male anatomy and male pleasure. We all understand the anatomy of a penis, it’s so drilled into our heads, but we don’t understand the anatomy of a vulva. Historically we have repressed women’s sexuality. We want women to be receptive, polite and pleasing and not cause a big fuss,” explains Clarke.

Men have seen themselves in porn and in sex scenes in film and television ask for what they need sexually and receive it. They have heard the language required to ask, but women haven’t. It seems unnatural to ask for what we want, and Clarke says a lot of men probably don’t know how to listen without their ego getting involved.

“If you can’t orgasm and it’s really stressing you out, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women who can’t. Definitely look into seeing a sexologist or a sex coach if it’s something you want to work on,” says Clarke. The female orgasm is complex and it’s complicated, but we all deserve to reach it if we want to.

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to orgasm a certain way,” Clarke says. “Whether you cum with a vibrator, or by your hand, or whether you can cum on your own or with a partner – however you orgasm is valid. Period. Don’t put extra stress on yourself to cum upside down with mind stimulation – however you cum is beautiful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.

By Kathy Lette

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!