by Crystal Raypole
Sexual trauma can happen in many ways, and it doesn’t always involve physical force. Sexual coercion, for example, happens when someone pressures or manipulates you into having sexual contact when you don’t want to.
Sexual coercion can be confusing and deeply distressing. You know what happened wasn’t right, but you might not fully understand how or why. You might even believe they couldn’t have assaulted you since you said “yes” in the end.
Here’s one important thing to know, though: True consent is given voluntarily.
If you only consent because you want the other person to stop pressuring or threatening you, you didn’t really consent.
Coercion describes any attempt to control your behavior with threats or manipulation.
Sexual coercion, then, happens when someone won’t accept “no” and continues to try to convince you to change your mind about engaging in sexual activity.
In this article, we’re using “sex” as shorthand to describe any and all forms of sexual contact or activity. There is no one definition of sex, and what’s considered to be sex varies from person to person.
For example, this might include:
- kissing, licking, or sucking
- touching, rubbing, or grinding
- fingering or stroking
- cunnilingus or fellatio
- vaginal or anal penetration
Once you turn down sex, the story should stop there. But this doesn’t always happen.
Sometimes, coercion is pretty blatant. For example: “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll tell everyone we’ve been having an affair.”
Other times, it might take a more subtle form. For example: “Here, why don’t you have a glass of wine and get out of those work clothes, and we’ll just see what happens.”
Common coercion tactics include:
- guilt-tripping
- making threats
- emotional blackmail
- giving you drugs or alcohol with a goal of lowering your inhibitions
Coercion typically remains in the realm of verbal and emotional pressure. That said, it isn’t uncommonTrusted Source to give in to coercion if you’re afraid the manipulation and pressure will escalate to physical aggression and violence.
Sexual coercion often happens in romantic relationships, but it can also happen in other contexts — between acquaintances, co-workers, friends or family, at school, at a party, or anywhere else.
If you don’t really want to have sex but agree because you feel obligated or don’t want the other person to get mad, you aren’t consenting voluntarily.
Coercion happens when someone wants you to consent when you’ve already said no or otherwise expressed disinterest. They might use threats, persuasion, and other tactics to get the outcome they want.
When alcohol is involved
Most people can still consent after moderate drinking, but you can’t consent if drugs or alcohol have impaired your ability to make decisions.
Say you’re on a date. You’ve had a couple of drinks, and the alcohol has given you a pleasant buzz, but you don’t feel drunk. What you do feel is great chemistry with your date. From the way they’re looking at you, they feel the same thing.
“Want to head back to my place?” They ask.
“Definitely,” you reply.
As long as neither of you are incapacitated, you can still consent.
When someone keeps offering you drinks with the goal of getting you to agree to sex when drunk, that’s coercion.
In a relationship
Being in a relationship does not mean you give ongoing consent.
Everyone has the right to decide when they do and don’t want to have sex. Once you say no, your partner should respect that. Any threats, wheedles, guilt trips, or other persuasion intended to wear you down counts as coercion.
With that in mind, you might wonder if it’s coercion when a partner tells you how sexy you look in that outfit or gives you a sensual massage to try and get you in the mood.
Typically, the difference comes down to a few key factors:
- their intent
- whether you’ve already said no
- how they respond to your refusal
Let’s say you tell them, “I’m not feeling it tonight.”
They reply, “That’s OK. I’m happy just massaging you, unless you want me to stop.”
This gives you the choice to continue the current level of intimacy with no pressure for more.
If, a little later on, you decide you actually do feel like sex, this isn’t coercion — as long as the decision really does come from you.
It would, however, be coercive if they insist they want to help you relax, but then ask repeatedly, “Are you sure you aren’t feeling a little sexier after all this massaging?”
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