Bisexuality is a sexual identity most people are at least a little familiar with. But what about the term bi-curious—is this a separate identity as well, or is it part of being bisexual? How do you know if you’re bi-curious, anyway? Because the word can be confusing, we asked experts to weigh in and clear up some questions and misconceptions.
What is bi-curious?
Let’s say you identify as a heterosexual woman, but you find yourself fantasizing about pursuing a sexual encounter with another woman. Maybe she’s someone you know, someone you’ve met very briefly, or even someone you saw while watching porn. Either way, the term bi-curious would likely apply to you—whether you have a sexual encounter with that person or not.
Bi-curious generally means that a person wants to explore sexual activity with a person of a gender identity different than the gender they are usually attracted to, Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist, owner of sexuality education company Velvet Lips, and faculty member at Clayton State University in Georgia, tells Health. For example, a heterosexual woman might desire a sexual relationship with another woman, or a woman who identifies as a lesbian might find herself interested in having sex with a man. It could be a specific person, or the attraction might be to a different gender as a whole.
This attraction might stay in your mind and never turn into a real encounter. Or it might make you want to see what they’re all about. “You might reflect on your childhood interactions and feelings and realize you didn’t get to explore a facet of yourself due to [factors like] social restrictions, religion, [and more],” Stewart says. Ultimately, this “might mean that you are more open-minded than you previously thought, and you might be ready to step into your authenticity,” she adds.
Does being bi-curious mean you’re gay?
It might. If you’re a heterosexual woman, maybe after some self-reflection and exploration you decide you have an identity as a lesbian. But you might also call yourself bisexual, heterosexual, or use another sexual identity that speaks more truly to who you are. That’s for you to decide.
What’s the difference between bi-curious and bisexual?
The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) defines bisexuality as “someone who can be attracted to more than one gender.” However, this LGBTQ+ advocacy group says that many adults also use the term bisexual in a broader way, to describe that they have the potential to be romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex or gender. The latter definition allows for more flexibility and fluidity.
What should I do if I think I’m bi-curious?
If you’re bi-curious, you don’t have to rush to figure it out. “The term bi-curious really is designed to help people identify a burgeoning or existing curiosity without really committing to any kind of identity around their sexuality. That’s the distinction between being bi-curious and bisexual,” Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, PACT-couples therapist, and founder of the mental and sexual health practice Modern Intimacy, tells Health. “Bi-curious gives people permission to entertain their arousal and explore how it takes shape without making a commitment.”
If you realize you’re bi-curious, it can feel a little scary, acknowledges Balestrieri. “Your likes and arousal can change over time. People often feel like they have to come to some crystalized understanding of their sexuality and that’s the pattern they have for the rest of their life,” she says. But it’s hardly uncommon for people to realize they’re attracted to a different gender—and then decide if they want to pursue a sexual encounter or not.
When should I start exploring being bi-curious?
“You should only act if you have weighed the benefits and consequences and feel that you are ready to step into it,” advises Stewart. “Really evaluating your actions and not going into something blindly is the best thing that you could do for yourself.”
Those glimmers of attraction to more than one gender or people who are non-binary might represent something that will be more of a constant in your life, but you may or may not be ready to solidify your idea of your sexuality, explains Balestrieri. For more resources on navigating being bi-curious, Stewart recommends visiting bi.org.
A first step, however, might be to check out dating apps for people you might be interested in. If you feel shy or hesitant to point out your intention, it’s okay to say that you’re bi-curious, exploring, or just aren’t sure yet. What’s more, the pandemic is actually the perfect time to take things slow and get to know someone virtually, taking off the pressure to move forward before you’re really ready. You might also know that you’re ready now; there’s no timeline.
It’s also worth saying that you may be worried about other people’s opinions if bi-curious exploration becomes part of your sexual identity. “You get to define who you are attracted to and love, and no one else’s opinion needs to influence your sexuality. That’s easier said than done, though,” says Balestrieri. She suggests reaching out to others who are sex positive who will support you through this process of investigation. When you’re ready, take the steps forward in a pace that feels right. “Spend the time thinking about what’s emotionally, physically, and sexually safe for you,” she says.
While most of the world’s eyes remained understandably glued to the ongoing research around the coronavirus, immunity, and vaccine science, there were actually plenty of fascinating developments in the world of sexuality research. Behold, a small sampling of the many interesting studies about sex published this year.
1. People’s sex drives responded to the pandemic in a variety of ways.
When much of the world went into lockdown in March to stave off the spread of the virus, some early research found our collective libido also seemed to creak to a halt. One study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in May found that since the pandemic kicked off, 60% of British adults reported not having sex or even masturbating at least weekly.
But another study published in the International Journal of Gynecology & Obstetrics found women were actually having more sex—and generally felt more sexual desire—in the early months of the pandemic. That said, the quality of sex had gotten worse for women, with researchers finding a “significant deterioration” in women’s sexual functioning, which includes things like arousal, lubrication, and ability to orgasm.
Together, these diverging studies suggest there are many different ways the pandemic has affected sex, which dovetails with what sex therapists have been telling us about the complex relationship between stress and libido. For some people, stress can tank your sex drive—but for others, sex can be a go-to stress reliever.
2. There’s a link between gratitude and good sex.
Gratitude practices might have some sexual benefits for people in relationships, according to a study published in the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal. Researchers found that both feeling gratitude and receiving gratitude in your relationship tended to make people care more about their partner’s pleasure—which in turn tended to lead to better sex for both parties. Why? When a person feels grateful for their partner (and their partner is showing appreciation for them), they’re likely to want to invest more into all the things that keep the relationship healthy and happy—including good sex.
3. You can smell when a woman is aroused.
Apparently, the experience of arousal comes with a certain scent—and it’s one that other people might be able to pick up. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that men could tell the difference between women who were sexually aroused and women who weren’t, all just by smelling their sweat. Previous research has indeed found that other emotional states—like sadness and fear—also have identifiable scents, aka “chemosignals.” According to this latest study, sexual arousal seems to be no different.
4. There are two types of low sexual desire among women.
In a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers surveyed over 500 women in long-term relationships to try to identify a typology of desire. They found women struggling with low sexual desire can be categorized into one of two distinct groups: “globally distressed women” and “sexually dissatisfied women.” Globally distressed women had low sexual desire relative to other women, but they were also dealing with very low relationship satisfaction and high overall life stress. In comparison, sexually dissatisfied women also had relatively low sexual desire, but they had more normal levels of relationship satisfaction and life stress—suggesting their issues were contained to the bedroom.
“It is possible that women with low sexual desire share a similar outcome but have followed unique trajectories to get to this point,” the researchers write in the paper on their findings, suggesting that there needs to be a more nuanced approach to supporting women based on what type of low sexual desire they’re experiencing.
5. One in 4 women want a good sex life after menopause.
Contrary to what may still be popular belief, plenty of women over 40 continue to care about having a good sex life. A study presented at the 2020 Virtual Annual Meeting of the Normal American Menopause Society found 45% of women believe sex is important early in midlife, and 27% of women believe sex continues to be highly important throughout midlife.
“Studies like these provide valuable insights to health care providers who may otherwise dismiss a woman’s waning sexual desire as a natural part of aging,” NAMS medical director Stephanie Faubion, M.D., MBA, said in a news release. “Often there are other treatable reasons, such as vaginal dryness or depression, as to why a woman’s interest in sex may have decreased.”
6. Viewing sex as an exchange of favors tends to backfire.
While no one would fault you for caring about fairness in the bedroom, psychologists have found that viewing sex as an exchange of benefits between partners may actually make sex feel less intimate and more transactional.
“When people endorse exchange norms, they give benefits with the expectation of receiving equal or comparable benefits in return and are concerned with keeping track of benefits to keep things even between partners,” researchers wrote in a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior this year.
That study found couples who use this approach to sex tended to be less committed to each other, had more negative sexual interactions, and generally seemed to have less satisfying sex when compared to couples whose approach to sex was more about giving pleasure just to give. The researchers also found people with a more avoidant attachment style (aka people who tend to avoid intimacy) were more likely to have that exchange approach.
7. Growing up with unavailable parents can affect your sex life as an adult.
People who grew up with neglectful or unavailable parents tend to have more sexual difficulties, according to a study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health. That included less satisfying sex, more sexual dysfunction, and negative feelings around sex. Why? Growing up with unavailable parents makes a person more likely to have a less stable sense of self, the researchers found. A child’s interactions with their parents are what help them develop a “rich and coherent sense of self,” they write, and it’s also how they learn to feel secure in who they are and what they need from others.
“The development of the child’s sense of self and the child’s understanding of their own and others’ mental states could be thought of as essential skills for a positive and healthy sexuality later on,” the researchers write in the paper on their findings. “These results suggest that, years after having experienced neglect from attachment figures, it can still influence a person’s sexual life through its repercussions on impaired identity.”
8. Sex talk can buoy the sex lives of couples with depression.
We’ve known that depression (and antidepressants) can both reduce a person’s sex drive, and couples in which one or both partners have depression can find themselves avoiding sex because of all the other relationship challenges they face. But a study published in the Communication Research journal found just talking about sex as a couple can offset those negative effects of depression.
A lot of past research has found sexual communication is key to good sex, and for couples with depression, talking about sexual desires, challenges, and solutions together is particularly important to make sure sex doesn’t fall by the wayside.
With all its stress and uncertainty, this year hasn’t exactly been a banner year for intimacy. But that can change.
By Meaghan O’Connell
Melissa Petro is a 40-year-old writer who lives in New York with her husband of four years and two children. She and her husband switch off between working and kid duty. According to Ms. Petro, the always-on nature of parenting a 12-month-old and a 3-year old in a pandemic has been “relentless, exhausting and not sexy.” Recently her husband has been sleeping on the family room couch.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” she said, “It’s just that there’s so many things to do besides have sex with my partner, who I do hypothetically find attractive and theoretically want to have sex with. It feels pretty — at times — hopeless, our sex life.”
Ms. Petro is not alone. A Kinsey Institute study on the impact of Covid-19 on marital quality found that 24 percent of married people reported having less frequent sex than they did before the pandemic, and 17 percent of women reported a decrease in both sexual and emotional satisfaction since the pandemic began. Another study from the spring suggested that a third of couples were experiencing pandemic-related conflict and that many of their sex lives were suffering.
“We are missing out on many parts of our former lives,” Maya Luetke, a researcher at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University who led the study, wrote in an email. “Just as this is the lost year in other ways, it may also be the lost year in terms of sex.”
Likewise, Emily Nagoski was not surprised by the data. A sex educator, researcher and author of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,” Dr. Nagoski describes sexual desire and inhibition like the accelerator and brake in a car. And while right now there are more factors in couples’ lives hitting their brakes than their accelerators, all hope is not lost. There is still a lot you can do to take your foot off the brake and hit the sexuality accelerator.
Shift your perspective.
Self-criticism and judgment of your partner are classic ways to dampen sexual desire. More than half of women report that stress, depression and anxiety decrease their interest in sex, as well as their sexual arousal and ability to orgasm. Dr. Nagoski said it’s normal to feel less desire during a crisis, like a pandemic. “You feel like the entire world, literally the air you breathe, is a potential threat to yourself and your family. That’s going to hit the brake.”
The first step to improving your sex life might be a shift in attitude rather than behavior. “If you have sex because you have to or you feel like you’re supposed to, you won’t have much sex and you probably won’t enjoy it,” Dr. Nagoski wrote in her book. “Don’t just decide to have sex, try on the identity of a person who loves sex.”
Make a plan.
Ms. Petro said she and her husband still make time for sex, even if it’s just, say, every third Sunday. “I shove thoughts of chores undone out of my mind and just try to relax into my body and be present for my partner,” she said. Afterward, they take each other less seriously. “We’re lighter.”
“People get very wrapped up in the idea of spontaneously desiring sex,” Dr. Nagoski said, but, especially in women, it’s fairly rare. Based on a wide body of research on gender and sexual desire, Dr. Nagoski estimates that roughly 15 percent of women experience spontaneous desire, whereas most experience responsive desire — wanting sex when something erotic is happening.
“When we study people who have great sex over the long-term in a relationship, they do not describe spontaneous desire as a characteristic,” she said.
So what do they describe? When the clinical psychologists Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard conducted a study for their book “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers,” they found that the components of great sex were consistent across gender, sexuality and a host of other descriptors and tastes. They included things like communication, empathy, vulnerability, connection and being present in the moment. They stressed ignoring notions of romantic spontaneity and, instead, embracing deliberateness and making a plan.
Great sex, they found, doesn’t just happen. It requires intentionality. Don’t be afraid to put it in your calendar if you have to. Because while you can’t plan on great sex, you can, as Dr. Kleinplatz and Dr. Menard put it in their book, “intentionally create the conditions in which the magic might occur.”
Pursue novelty.
While experiencing low sexual desire during a pandemic might be normal and understandable, there are things you can do to increase desire in a relationship. One thing that science says increases arousal is a novel experience. Not just the sexual kind, but anything to get your heart rate up.
This might be a good time for people to “open a dialogue with their partner(s) about their relationship overall as well as their personal desires, fantasies, needs, etc.,” Dr. Luetke, who studies the link between conflict and sexual intimacy at Indiana University, wrote in an email. If these conversations are awkward for you, she recommended engaging a therapist specializing in sex.
Or find another way to raise your heart rate. You might not be able to ride a roller coaster or dance at a crowded concert, but you could still do a YouTube workout, go for a hike with your partner or watch a scary movie together after the kids are in bed. Some research suggests that being excited around your partner makes that person seem more novel and thus more sexually attractive, by association.
Complete the stress cycle.
When your brain senses a threat (a lion, say, chasing you), your body activates the sympathetic nervous system, which sends chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol to help you run faster or fight harder. Once the threat is gone (you ran away; you killed the lion), the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, taking you out of fight-or-flight mode and returning your body to a calm state.
That calm state activated by the parasympathetic nervous system is also responsible for sexual arousal. In other words, your brain knows that when the lion is chasing you, you won’t want sex.
Modern-day stressors, however, are more ambiguous than a lion. It’s less clear to your brain when the threat has passed — when your paycheck has been deposited or your child’s remote school day is over. So Dr. Nagoski recommended “completing the stress cycle,” or doing things that will signal to the body that the danger has passed. When you go for a run after a long day of work, you’re moving through fight-or-flight mode by jogging away from the figurative lion, and telling your body that the stress is over, at least until tomorrow.
And even if you still don’t feel safe enough to experience desire, you can still touch your partner and intimately connect. Lying in the dark watching a movie with your partner, going for a walk, exercising, practicing self-acceptance — these things all have their own benefits, even when they don’t lead to sex.
At this point in time, experts have disproved many of the myths surrounding sexual orientation.
Like the color of your eyes or the shape of your nose, orientation is a trait many are born with or grow into over time.
Maybe in high school, for example, you developed crushes on people of one gender only. In college, you found yourself attracted to people of different genders.
Now, as an adult, you mostly date people of one gender but occasionally feel a flash of sexual attraction for people of other genders.
Does that mean you’re confused? Can’t make up your mind? That your college attractions were just a phase? No, no, and absolutely not.
No one can define your orientation for you, but the concept of sexual fluidity can help explain your experiences.
Sexual fluidity, in short, means your sexual orientation isn’t permanently fixed.
Yes, everyone has an underlying orientation — asexual, pansexual, or heterosexual, for example. Yet there’s room for it to expand a little, based on your experiences and current situation.
It can help to think of orientation as a spectrum that includes people of all genders. Sexually fluid people tend to experience attractions at different points along the spectrum as they go through life.
Maybe you grew up thinking you were only attracted to men, until you had a few flings with people of other genders. After a few years, you felt most attracted to men again, but you couldn’t say for certain whether that would always be the case.
These changes in how you experience romantic and sexual attraction are totally valid.
“Fluidity is an absolutely normal aspect of sexual orientation,” explains Will Zogg, a Washington therapist who specializes in gender affirming counseling.
“Attraction is far more complex than many people can communicate,” says Zogg. “And fluidity and the presentation of sexuality vary widely across cultures, age, access, and region.”
He goes on to say people sometimes interpret fluidity as confusion, or betrayal of an allegiance to a specific community.
“As a result of the stigma around fleeting same-sex attraction and consequences for that ‘betrayal,’ normal feelings of love and sex and curiosity often get swept under the rug, where the limits of Western societal norms keep them hidden,” explains Zogg.
If you’re sexually fluid, you might notice most of your sexual experiences and attractions fit under the label you use to identify yourself.
The key word here is “most,” since you’ll probably have a few outlier experiences that fall elsewhere on the spectrum.
Here’s an example:
You’ve only ever felt attracted to women. Then you develop a close relationship with a nonbinary friend. Your physical and emotional closeness eventually lead to a crush.
You think about kissing, touching, even having sex with them. Maybe you act on those desires, maybe you don’t. Eventually, you spend a little less time together, and your attraction fades, leaving you primarily attracted to women once again.
This one experience may not lead you to redefine your sexual orientation, but it does suggest some fluidity.
Close friendships sometimes fuel romantic feelings that lead to sexual desire, but attraction can exist without you acting on it.
Fluidity, by definition, changes over time, so you could develop a similar attraction in the future.
Though fluidity adds an extra factor in the equation of attraction, it won’t necessarily change your sexual behavior.
“What Westerners refer to as fluidity in sexuality (and in gender) is not a new idea for many cultures,” Zogg notes.
Researchers and anthropologists have explored fluidity across cultures and history. In terms of Western research, this concept has had many names, including erotic plasticityTrusted Source.
In theory, yes, anyone can experience this fluidity, but not everyone does. Plenty of people only ever feel attracted to one gender.
While people of any gender can be sexually fluid, existing research suggests women tend to experience the most fluidity. Of course, this doesn’t mean all women are sexually fluid.
“Some sexually fluid men may feel more reluctant to talk about the range of attraction they experience, in part due to gender and sexuality stereotypes,” Zogg points out.
“They might avoid commenting on masculine celebrities they consider attractive, for example, or hesitate to express closeness to a male best friend,” says Zogg.
Most definitely, yes. Attraction, like orientation, is something you can’t control.
You might feel more attracted to one gender for a while, then your attraction might shift elsewhere on the spectrum.
Maybe you choose not to express or act on certain attractions, and that’s OK. All the same, you typically can’t pick and choose what part of the spectrum your attraction settles on at any given point in life.
Sexually fluid people might notice attraction shows up in a range of ways.
You could feel sexually attracted to people of one gender but develop stronger romantic feelings for people of another gender.
Maybe one specific person brings out feelings you’ve never had before. Though their traits don’t align with what you’d normally consider your “type,” you feel drawn to this specific excitement or arousal response.
You might also notice the characteristics that appeal to you in more masculine people are completely separate from the characteristics that you look for in more feminine people.
It’s pretty common to act differently on varying types of attraction.
You might:
enjoy kissing and cuddling partners of one gender but only have sex with people of another gender
enjoy a specific type of sex with one gender, but have different kinds of sex with other genders
develop romantic attachments with people of one gender and pursue physical relationships with people of other genders
On the surface, sexual fluidity might seem pretty similar to bisexuality and pansexuality. Remember, though, bisexuality and pansexuality are orientations, and sexual fluidity is not.
Bisexuality doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, but it’s typically recognized as a fairly consistent attraction to two groups: people of your gender and people of other genders.
Some people who identify as bisexual might only feel attracted to people of two genders. Others might develop attractions to people of multiple genders.
Pansexuality, on the other hand, means you might experience attraction to any person, regardless of their gender. In other words, you’re attracted to people of all genders.
You can be both sexually fluid and bisexual or pansexual. For example:
Sexually fluid pansexual people might occasionally feel most attracted to people of one gender, then more attracted to different genders again.
Sexually fluid bisexual people might temporarily feel more attracted to one gender over another, but this won’t permanently alter their overall attraction to people of other genders.
You might describe yourself as sexually fluid when you generally identify with an orientation that doesn’t consistently represent every attraction you experience.
Say you primarily feel attracted to women, but you’ve had a few relationships with men. You don’t identify as bisexual, but you consider yourself somewhat fluid, since you’re not exclusively attracted to women.
Maybe you’ve never had a romantic or sexual relationship with someone of your gender. Still, straight doesn’t entirely resonate with you as an orientation because you feel open to the possibility of a non-heterosexual relationship. It just hasn’t happened yet.
Generally speaking, sexually fluid people have an orientation that remains roughly stable over time.
So you might use this term if you mostly feel attracted to one gender but want to acknowledge the way your attraction and responses sometimes shift.
As Diamond and other experts have pointed out, fluidity offers a better, more accurate explanation for what people have, in the past, stereotyped and stigmatized as “confusion.”
As you go through life, you gain plenty of experience, both personally and from relationships with others.
This expanding knowledge can have a pretty big impact on self-identity, including your understanding of your orientation.
As awareness of your orientation develops, you might land on a different way of describing your attractions, and that’s just fine. You’re always free to use whatever term you identify with best.
Interested in learning more about sexual orientations and identities?
Including the most common myths about polyamory and best practices for entering into a polyamorous agreement.
By Maressa Brown
If you’ve spent even a few minutes on a dating app these days, chances are you’ve encountered profiles that disclose some form of consensual non-monogamy. More and more, people are finding that they prefer to connect romantically and/or sexually with more than one partner. In fact, research published in 2016 from two national samples found that one-fifth of the population (21.9 percent in the first sample and 21.2 percent in the second sample) has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives — and for some people, this means practicing polyamory.
“Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy that emphasizes emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy to whatever desired degree in an ongoing way among multiple partners,” explains Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CSE, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, who explains that often the goal for polyamorous people is to have long-term, emotionally intimate relationships with multiple people.
Here, what you need to know about polyamory.
What is a polyamorous relationship?
People in polyamorous relationships are open to bonding intimately — be that sexually and/or romantically — with multiple people. While monogamy is defined by exclusivity, polyamory is often rooted in expansiveness, points out Casey Tanner, certified sex therapist and expert for LELO who works with many polyamorous couples. “Successful polyamory is guided by explicit consent to what kind of romantic and/or sexual relationships are explored outside of the relationship at hand,” she says. “These agreements exist to keep each member of the relationship physically, emotionally, and sexually safe such that partners can truly lean into experiences within those boundaries.”
Unlike an open relationship — in which committed partners might agree to green light dating, sex, or other types of bonding outside of their relationship — a polyamorous relationship is marked by more relational commitment, says Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles. “There can be different levels of commitments and different levels of intimacy,” she notes. For instance, some relationships might be based strictly on sex while others are based on an emotional connection or both physical and emotional intimacy.
It also bears noting that many polyamorous people find support from building a sense of community with other polyam people, either online or locally. “It is much more than who you are having sex with or having another relationship,” says Chavez. “The lifestyle is an important part of polyamory.”
Polyamorous terms to know:
Many polyamorous relationships include a primary couple, and each of those people has one or more metamours or additional partners, explains Chavez. But there are also other forms as well. A quick primer:
Primary: Not every polyamorous relationship involves a primary couple, but when there is one, those two people are often intertwined in one another’s lives domestically and financially. They might have kids together too.
Secondary: Secondary partners are no less committed, but their involvement might be a bit more casual than the primary.
Triad (throuple) or quad: A consensual relationship among three committed partners. Add one more person — or two couples together — and you have a quad.
Full quad: A relationship in which all four partners are romantically and sexually involved with one another.
Polycule: A entire network of people who are romantically or intimately connected.
Solo polyamorous: This is someone who identifies as polyamorous and might be involved with other people who are as well, but they’re not interested in being married or entangled in a partner’s life financially, domestically, etc.
Compersion: This is defined as a feeling of joy — as opposed to jealousy — when you see your partner happy with someone else.
Common misconceptions about polyamorous relationships:
Although awareness about polyamorous relationships is growing, plenty of misconceptions abound. A few of the most common myths, busted:
In many ways, polyamorous relationships require following the same rules of the road as monogamous ones.
Building a healthy, intimate relationship with more than one person requires doing a lot of the same work and addressing a lot of the same issues that would come up in any kind of relationship, says Chavez. In other words, both monogamous and polyamorous people have to talk about boundaries and consent, communicate about the rules of the relationship, and look out for their partner(s)’ health and safety (think: STI testing). Polyamorous people prioritize this work of being in a relationship so that everyone comfortable, feels supported, and is on the same page.
There’s always one primary couple.
Not every polyamorous relationship involves a primary couple. “Polyamorous people often will have one relationship that is their ‘home base,’” explains Sheff. But that’s not always the case — and when it is, that “home base” relationship might not be so much “primary” as it is what Sheff calls a “figment of utility.” It just happens to be that you own a home or have a child with that partner, so you’re involved in one another’s lives in those practical, everyday ways, but it doesn’t mean you’re committed any more or less to that person.
Polyamorous people have wild sex lives.
Having multiple partners doesn’t mean life looks like porn for polyamorous people. Again, it’s more about building intimate relationships than exploring a sexual connection.
“There tends to be a lot of courting initially to make sure everyone is compatible and can handle all the moving pieces,” says Sheff. “Polyamorists, especially those who have been practicing it long-term, would much rather add someone to their life that augments all their other relationships and take the time to find that relationship.”
Practicing polyamory will save a monogamous relationship.
While some people might discover consensual non-monogamy during or after a monogamous relationship, polyamory isn’t a magic bullet to making a failing relationship last, points out Tanner. “If your relationship doesn’t already have a foundation of healthy communication, honesty, and commitment, exploring polyamory is more likely to exacerbate your struggles,” she notes. “If there’s any truth behind this myth, it’s the spirit that we can’t be all things to all people; it’s unrealistic to expect one person to be your greatest love, best of friends, and hottest sexual partner. Opening your monogamous relationship is one way to embrace this mentality, but probably not if your relationship is already on the brink of ending.”
Polyamorous people are “greedy” and “boundaryless.”
Tanner says it’s all too common for some people to scoff off polyamory as an attempt to extend their youth, avoid commitment, or satisfy a voracious sexual appetite. This is because they don’t see the hard work that goes on behind the scenes of healthy polyamorous relationships, and they fear what they don’t understand, she says. “Polyam folks put in just as much time, energy and effort into honoring their commitments —maybe more — as monogamous people,” notes Tanner.
There is only one way to be polyamorous.
Just like other marginalized groups, people misunderstand the polyamorous community to be homogenous, or one-size-fits-all, says Tanner. “When people picture a polyam person, they might think of a youthful, queer artist type with no kids and no mortgage,” she says. “In reality, polyamory occurs throughout the lifespan and includes people of all professions, family constellations, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic statuses.”
The key to truly seeing polyamory for what it is requires looking at it not through the lens of monogamy, but looking at it as its own unique practice, lifestyle, or identity, she explains.
How you might come to identify as polyamorous:
Some people come to polyamory after having been in monogamous relationships in the past and finding that they were not getting their needs met, says Chavez.
But that’s far from the only path to practicing what Chavez calls a relationship orientation. People are realizing that they knew from the beginning of their relationships that they could — and would prefer to — be in love with more than one partner at a time, explains Chavez.
Either way, polyamorous people realize that they are someone who could love multiple people and enjoy multiple relationships, and they find monogamy limits their ability to do that, she says.
Yet, these qualities alone aren’t sufficient for enjoying polyamory, adds Tanner. “Many people are excited about the opportunity to explore other relationships, but become angry or resentful when imagining a partner having that same freedom,” she notes.
That said, making the decision to practice polyamory is not one to take lightly. “Because meaningful polyamory requires significant emotional energy, self-reflection, and communication, it’s incredibly important to take your time in evaluating whether or not this is right for you,” says Tanner. “If you do choose to do the work, however, it’s a labor of love that may bring a deeper appreciation for your partners, greater self-knowledge, and an abundance of connection.”
Best practices for entering into a polyamorous agreement:
If you’re just beginning to practice polyamory, Tanner recommends making the following moves:
Address transparency. Answer questions like what do you want to know about the other’s outside relationships, and how much detail do you want to provide/be provided with?
Discuss frequency. Talk about the frequency with which you’d like to engage in other relationships and the ways in which you’ll continue to be intentional with bringing energy to the relationship at hand.
Talk about “coming out.” Decide which people in your life you feel comfortable “coming out” to about polyamory, and make sure you’re on the same page.
When the sex positivity movement reached the internet in the mid-aughts, it upended mainstream conversations about sex. Suddenly, health experts and sex educators had a platform to fill the massive gaps in knowledge left by abstinence education and culturally held stigmas.
Fast-forward to now and the popular opinion is unequivocal: Sex is a good thing that everyone should be doing.
At some point, mainstream media’s giddy embrace created a flurry of interest in the health benefits of sex. These articles cite a jumble of research — on topics such as sleep, immunity, and migraines — to make the oversimplified point that having sex, no matter the quality, automatically makes you healthier.
“Sex is fun, sex is a beautiful bonding experience, sex is sweaty and smelly and full of laughing and moaning — it is not a vitamin,” says sex educator Hannah De Priest. “If you want a health plan, meet with a dietitian or sign up for a yoga class.”
So, with the help of De Priest and sex educator Rosa Sierra, we’ll unpack why all sex can’t be treated the same and give advice on how you can have emotionally healthy sex.
The idea that the more sex we have, the healthier we will be is rooted in the idea that all sex is created equal. But if the sex you’re having causes strife or mental turmoil, it’s not worth the physical benefits — and it might actually do more harm than good.
Consider this commonly cited 2004 study, which suggests that frequent sex supports immunity. The study found that couples who had sex at least twice a week had more IgA (a protein important for immune function) in their saliva than the couples who had sex less than once a week.
But the couples who had sex more than three times a week actually had less IgA. The authors hypothesized that despite having the most sex, these couples were also the most stressed, which led to weaker immune systems.
On the other hand, a 2017 study suggests that pleasurable sex is the key to a happy marriage. The researchers examined the relationship between sex and marital satisfaction in 105 couples over a 14-year period. The results suggest that “a satisfying sex life and a warm interpersonal climate” matter more than having sex frequently.
“When we talk about the health benefits of sex, we talk about the health benefits of orgasm, or maybe kissing, but we don’t talk about all of the other ways that intimacy can be built with another person that just feels good,” says Sierra.
Here are some tips for having emotionally healthy sex.
Communicate your wants and needs
This is your biggest asset in having sex that makes you feel safe, secure, and excited. But it’s also not easy. Here’s Sierra’s advice:
First, communicate with yourself. “First, try to figure out why you want to have sex with someone else. That can help put you in the mindset of achieving what you want to achieve,” Sierra says.
Tell the other person what you want. Kissing, orgasms, or physical closeness — whatever it may be, let them know. “[I] make sure that I’m laying out what I want to experience, but I’m open to all of the fun things in between,” Sierra says.
If communication is hard for you, let them know that too. Talking about sex is hard for most people — chances are your partner feels the same way! Being honest with one another will make you feel closer.
Have more sex with yourself
Solo sex is a great way to get in touch with your unique emotional needs.
“Try for a good orgasm or to experience pleasure in a new way — I suggest incorporating a new toy or a part of the body you may not be giving attention to as often. Making a goal for your sexual session can be very fulfilling,” says De Priest.
Fixating on orgasm can actually cause stress, and research suggests that chronic stress is associated with less physical arousal in vulva owners.
“I hope the media stops making [orgasm] seem so common and achievable,” says De Priest. “Many people feel broken or damaged when they can’t orgasm/make a partner or partners orgasm from penetration alone.”
Instead, try to be present. It can help to use your senses to stay in the moment. What do you smell, taste, hear, and feel when you’re having sex?
Make time for aftercare
Common in BDSM spaces, aftercare is the practice of making your partner feel cared for as you wind down from sex. This might look like cuddling, talking, watching a movie, or making food for the other person.
Aftercare can increase security and foster intimacy within a relationship.
Use barrier methods
Sex is tricky. It can feel great while it’s happening but can make you feel sick with worry hours later. One way to cut down on those post-sex worries is to use a condom or another barrier method.
It’s also a good practice to talk with your partner about STIs. And because we know this conversation isn’t easy, we made a talk template to help it go more smoothly.
Prioritize your mental and emotional health
Mental health and sexual health are two sides of the same coin. The vulnerable nature of sex makes it a daunting task for many folks, especially those who have a history of trauma or mental illness. And sex can even trigger past traumas.
Working with a mental health professional can make all the difference. If you’re new to therapy, check out our guide to finding a therapist. We also have this list of resources for sexual and domestic abuse survivors.
When the media portrays “good sex,” it usually involves penetration, orgasm(s), being out of breath, moaning, and quite a bit of sweat. This trope of mind-blowing, vigorous sex is not only ableist and heteronormative but also perpetuates the idea that there’s an objectively good or right way to have sex.
“We often see [in] visual media that people kind of just jump into bed with each other or they want sex at the same time,” says Sierra. “But obviously in real relationships and partnerships, people do have differences in desires to want to have sex.”
Good sex is up to each individual to define. And the definition can change depending on the day. Sometimes the best sex is quick and efficient, while other times you want to spend hours kissing and snuggling.
The key is to be honest with yourself. Whenever you’re in a sexual situation, ask yourself what exactly you need in that moment to feel safe, supported, and fulfilled.
In doctor’s offices across America, medical professionals often provide care based on the assumption that patients are cisgender and heterosexual. But LGBTQ+ patients—especially those who are trans, gender non-conforming, or nonbinary deserve better, and experts say improvements will only come when LGBTQ+ and gender-affirming health care becomes commonplace.
This type of care—which caters to the needs of these individuals without stigma or shame, and affirms patients’ sexuality and gender identity—is especially important given the significant health disparities the LGBTQ+ community faces, including increased risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV/AIDS, higher rates of mental health disorders, and an increased prevalence of houselessness and intimate partner violence.
While there are many factors that contribute to these disparities, a major one is that many LGBTQ+ folks avoid seeking medical care because they’ve experienced transphobia or homophobia in the past, or because they believe they’ll be discriminated against or don’t think they’ll receive adequate care because of provider ignorance. But the sooner affirming care becomes the standard, the less likely that is to happen.
What is gender-affirming care?
One of the first things Andrew Goodman, MD, does when he sees a patient is say his own pronouns to create a welcoming environment so patients know that their identity and needs matter. Practicing gender-affirming care is about, “not walking in with any assumptions, and understanding that knowing someone’s sex doesn’t mean you know things about their gender identity, who they have sex with, or the care they might need,” says Dr. Goodman, who is the medical director at Callen-Lorde, a health center for New York’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender communities. “It means that you ask and you’re open. It’s treating a patient like they are the expert of their own experience.”
Affirming care means that patients get the treatment they need for the bodies they have, not what the medical community presumes is appropriate based on the gender they were assigned at birth.
Some medical professionals presume that only women need pap smears, or that a man can’t get pregnant, but affirming care recognizes that certain services aren’t just for cisgender men and women and that trans men, nonbinary people, and intersex people are in need of reproductive care, too. It also acknowledges that patients’ sexual experiences might include people of all genders, and that hormone therapy, STI testing and treatment, contraception, and abortion are important health services for many people, regardless of sexual orientation, gender expression, or gender identity. In short: Affirming care means that patients get the treatment they need for the bodies they have, not what the medical community presumes is appropriate based on the gender they were assigned at birth.
Daria*, a nonbinary survivor of female genital mutilation (FGM), did not receive gender-affirming care when they sought help for FGM-related health care. “My heart dropped when I saw that all of the support information only mentioned women and girls. While they served people regardless of gender, the FGM department only seemed to cater to women and girls,” Daria says. “So in order to receive services, I signed up as a cis woman.” Despite the fact that they got some of the mental health care they needed, and were even offered a free gynecological exam to examine the physical effects of FGM, everything was in the context of womanhood. “Having gender-affirming health care means that as a nonbinary survivor of FGM I don’t have to compromise my gender identity in order to receive the help I need.”
Why education and advocacy are important
Bhavik Kumar, MD, MPH, the medical director of primary and trans care at Planned Parenthood Gulf Coast, explains that making a commitment to providing affirming care means educating and training staff to ensure “all the people involved in a patient’s health-care experience understand and value LGBTQ+ people.” For example, providers are taught to use neutral language and ask what body parts a patient’s sexual partners have, rather than asking if they’re sexually active with men or women. “We strive to make our health centers affirming spaces that are mindful of the indirect messages that can be so important to building trust and making our patients feel comfortable,” Dr. Kumar says.
It’s also important that patients of all ages receive this type of care, says Armonté Butler, the senior program manager of LGBTQ health and rights at Advocates for Youth, a nonprofit advocacy group dedicated to sexuality education and the prevention of HIV and sexually transmitted diseases. LGBTQ+ youth should learn from an early age that they deserve—and can receive—quality treatment, because it will help them feel comfortable seeking medical treatment later in life. Providers should also make it clear to all patients that they offer services like HIV testing and prevention, and they should be transparent about the way their practices handle insurance and confidentiality procedures. “It’s also crucial for health-care organizations to update their websites and social media to include imagery and resources for LGBTQ+ young people, including youth of color and youth living with HIV,” says Butler.
And it shouldn’t be the job of the patient to educate their health-care providers, either. “Finding affirmative and inclusive health care is like finding a needle in a haystack,” says Grey*, a nonbinary student who has received affirming care and also had negative experiences seeking health care. “Many doctors rely on their patients for education and that can cause more harm than healing,” Grey says.
At the bare minimum, providers should make sure they use inclusive language and visuals and that forms provide space for patients to list their names and pronouns. And it would be beneficial if they also offered access to hormone treatments and inclusive screenings for all gender orientations, says Jessica Halem, former Harvard Medical School LGBTQ+ outreach and engagement director.
Above all else, health-care providers should be advocates for their LGBTQ+ patients. “A primary care provider might not be comfortable with HIV care or hormone therapy, but it’s important not to say, ‘I’m not familiar with this and don’t think you should get it.’ Affirming care is, ‘I’m not familiar with this but let me go find out more about it and get you the resources you need,’’ says Dr. Goodman. This type of advocacy is a huge part of Dr. Goodman’s practice. For example, when he knows that he has to send a prescription to an external pharmacy that might use a transgender patient’s legal name instead of their chosen name, he prepares the patient so they aren’t caught off-guard. He’s even helped patients navigate the process of a legal name change so that they don’t have to worry about being deadnamed in official settings outside of health care.
And it’s important to recognize that affirming care goes beyond the front-office and patient-facing aspects of health care; the technology that powers the medical system needs updating as well. Many software systems display a patient’s legal name and sex assigned at birth, which could clash with their identity. Some software also forces doctors to make medical decisions based on assigned sex at birth and that can influence dosage amounts for prescribed medications or prompt the doctor to make improper preventative-care recommendations, explains Susanne Fortunato, founder of Wingspan Health, an inclusive patient portal. But things are changing. New software makes it possible to provide a better experience, by capturing a patient’s legal name and assigned sex and birth for insurance purposes but displaying their correct name to front desk staff, incorporating all gender markers and pronouns, and using displays that look the same for all patients in order to protect their privacy.
Making affirming care the new standard
Often, without the proper systems in place, LGBTQ+ people are left to fend for themselves or accept being misgendered or improperly treated. But it doesn’t need to be this way. “You might think you’re not in the position to question an experience, but you can give feedback to your provider,” Dr. Goodman says. And if you feel comfortable doing so, it might help bring about change. That said, if you’re not getting the care you deserve, you can leave and find a new provider. The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (GLMA) specifically has a provider directory that lists the affirming and competent practices in the United States.
If you work in health care or feel comfortable sharing resources with your medical providers, you can be a driving force for change. Some resources to consult include the University of California San Francisco’s transgender care guidelines and Essential Access Health’s guide to Providing Inclusive Care for LGBTQ Patients. These guides explain how to avoid stereotypes and assumptions about patients’ sexual orientations and gender identities and offer samples of inclusive intake forms and updated ways of keeping health records. And they don’t just cover the ways that doctors treat patients; they touch on why it’s critical for all staff, especially those who have contact with patients (such as outreach workers, front-desk staff, assistants, and those who handle billing and insurance) to have LGBTQ+ affirming training. Ultimately, any and every interaction in health care sets the foundation for patients to feel cared for.
As things change, there will be providers who worry that implementing inclusive care will push some patients away. But Dr. Goodman explains it’s necessary for health-care professionals to understand that patients who don’t like the changes will probably have access to care elsewhere, while marginalized patients often don’t have that option. That’s why creating a welcoming space for the people who are the least likely to have access to those spaces must be the priority.
“A lot of change starts small and is incremental,” Dr. Goodman says. “Maybe right now all you can change is what happens in your exam room, but that can be so powerful.”
– And It’s Made Me Completely Rethink My Concept Of Pleasure
By Kayla Jacobs
I haven’t had sex in a year. Just over a year, to be precise. And when it’s been 365 days and counting, every single second matters.
When you’re in the prime of your life, you’re supposed to be having a lot of sex. Isn’t it the ultimate sign of desirability, power, and magnetism? Not having it, by the same token, means you’re… flawed, unattractive, hopeless. Late at night (well, actually, at all times of the day), I’ve tormented myself with these notions.
I derive much of my sense of pleasure from what I give as opposed to what I receive. Flying solo is epic, but, for me, sex doesn’t truly count unless it’s with another living, breathing human. Two months is a dry spell. Twelve months plus is akin to a crime. I’ve allowed feelings of shame to percolate – shame that I haven’t let someone else into my innermost sanctum, shame about being a woman in her childbearing years who does want children but isn’t doing the physical act that brings them forth.
In March, after seven years in the US, I returned to London, drawn back by Covid, wanting to be nearer my family. While the visceral, messy glory of being with another human played like a loop in my mind, I made a pact: I would start to savour the smallest of moments and triumph in that connection with myself whenever I damn well could. I took joy in the fleeting: a pastel-hued sunset, a fat red rose, winks from perfect strangers, greedily inhaling the earthy cologne of passers-by. These teeny tiny moments began to feel like the very largest of pleasures to me, the biggest fireworks in the sky.
I became adept at tracing every inch of my physical body, inviting her daily to cross self-imposed barriers. I raged against my femininity, too, turning away from my reflection so that I couldn’t remember what I’d lost sight of. I thought about decamping to the foothill of the Himalayas to lead a monastic and pandemic-free life while simultaneously imagining what it would be like if I were run over while wearing mismatched underwear, leaving an odorous trail of “Chaste” hanging in the air. Who would ever know?
Why haven’t I been intimate with someone? Besides the circumstantial, Covid made the mere thought of kissing anyone feel as scary as jumping out of a plane with no parachute. Then, I reconnected with an old flame on the other side of the world – he was recording an album in Nashville, and the serenading and seducing through the ether made me feel alive for a hot minute. Ultimately, creativity only took us so far, with audio messages, texting, and image-sharing morphing into a bad country ballad tied up in a synthetic rhinestone shirt.
Having experienced bouts of abstinence before – though I’ve never defined them as that – this time, I wanted to prioritise my pleasure viscerally, care for the things that felt broken, find a voice for the things untouched, unsaid and unseen within me. And so, I experimented with all manner of sex tech – beginning with a pelvic floor trainer (yes, yes, it’s a thing), moving on to unique pastel shapes that gave potent vibrations. I tried an amethyst yoni egg. I read “erotic” literature that ran the gamut from Anaïs Nin to Bram Stoker, DH Lawrence, and Lisa Taddeo, devouring fictional depictions of other people’s sexual adventures and missteps which comforted and sometimes turned me on.<
I listened to Dipsea, described as “sexy audio stories that spark your imagination and get you in the mood”, and podcasts such as Melissa Wells’s Love Sex & Magic, Kim Anami’s Orgasmic Enlightenment, and a lot of The Adam Buxton Podcast (I find his voice and thoughts very sexy). I layered all manner of scented offerings on myself, trying to figure out what combination is dynamite to my nose while lighting candles and nearly burning my home down, all in an ode to my favourite sense: smell. I sang along to songs that felt for a few minutes like they belonged just to me: “Unfinished Sympathy” (Massive Attack), “I Want You” (Marvin Gaye), “Glory Box” (Portishead), “The Sweetest Taboo” (Sade).
And I gave myself plenty of orgasms. I fed my hungry skin with self-touch and attention, in a manner entirely separate from reimagining the weight of a man I might fancy the pants off enveloping me.
It’s been interesting watching in slow-motion as the wheels of the world have screeched to a standstill, and how I’ve wanted sex so much more, prioritised it in my head, ruminated on passion and the privilege of permission, especially in the face of fear and anxiety. The lack of physical intimacy has consumed me because it’s the ultimate barometer of what it means to be alive – in a world where we as women are often expected to put ourselves last, enforced isolation has cut to the heart of desire as a thing of uncommon beauty, to be upheld no matter what.
When I reached out to Dorottya Varga from Heroine Journal, an e-zine that amplifies the female perspective through a holistic lens, she congratulated me on not having had sex for a year, which made me smile and then made me feel proud. She said she was new to celibacy but was choosing not to have physical intimacy or be in a physical relationship for the time being because she believed that her desires are shaping her reality. “My desires most of my life have revolved around sex or men. I’m finding myself constantly chasing being in relationships, and I need a perspective shift,” she said. “I believe that sexual energy is creative energy, and if I am to focus all of that energy on me, I know I can build anything I want for myself, create an endless pot, give all that juice to me.”
Giving my fears and desires room to flourish has been challenging. At times, the shame and the pride mingle in a strange stew which sometimes I want to devour and other times completely repulses me. But, on reflection, thinking about my sex life as part of a daily self-care ritual – an inherently solitary pursuit – seems to me like the gateway to genuine connection. Isolation has become more than just feeling sad, lonely, or even the fantasy of a next encounter, but about imagining what it might be like to restart my sex life from a different perspective, the one where I embrace that noble ideal: intimacy with myself, even when I don’t feel like it.
San Francisco mother Sara Lopes didn’t even realize she’d lost a part of herself until she got it back. “I had been so consumed with both children and starting to work again that we hadn’t had sex in maybe a year and a half,” says Lopes, 41, whose first name has been changed to protect her privacy. “Figuring out how to have dinners prepped, remembering to buy rain boots, paying our credit card bill, scheduling play dates, worrying about summer camps. I couldn’t even think about my social life, let alone my sex life.” Only after Lopes and her husband instituted Saturday night sex did the truth dawn on her: “I had needs that I had absolutely forgotten about.”
Lopes points the finger at herself, but she is not to blame for the problem, and Saturday night sex is not necessarily the solution. A handful of experts who’ve taken a closer look at the science of female sexuality and how it’s impacted by motherhood—from newly postpartum to empty nest—say we’ve had it all wrong.
The common tale of female sexuality fails us
Cultural scripts are stories we watch play out in advertisements, sitcoms, and IRL so often that we know our part. Our roles have come to feel like second nature, like our nature.
The cultural script we’re told, particularly in the context of heterosexual relationships, goes something like this: Men are hardwired to seek variety; women, stability. Men crave sex; women consent to it (or bargain with it). Men prefer physical closeness; women, emotional intimacy. Men need climax; women are along for the ride.
There’s one problem with these familiar gender scripts: Scientifically speaking, they’re B.S. “Women have been sold a bill of goods,” writes Wednesday Martin in “Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.” “In matters of sex, women are not the tamer, more demure, or reticent sex.”
By our 30s and 40s, many of us figure that out. We embrace our sexuality after realizing, as Dr. Stephanie Buehler puts it: “We are built for pleasure.” We do our part to decrease the “orgasm gap” by seeking out sex where foreplay isn’t just an appetizer to be shoveled down as quickly as possible (or skipped entirely) prior to the main (inter)course.
But when parenthood happens, the difference between male and female reports of desire and satisfaction yawns wider. Ultimately, “a giant share” of mothers in the U.S. aren’t having good sex, says Katherine Rowland, author of “The Pleasure Gap,” which hit shelves just before the pandemic. And that includes a lot of lesbian moms. Why? Often, it’s because a mom-specific scripts has stepped in. Cultural stereotypes about motherhood often fall into one of these seven ruts.
1. I can’t really think about myself right now
Lydia Elle, 40, is a single mom with a 10-year-old in Los Angeles. She told me that she felt like when she became a mom, it became all-encompassing: “almost like ‘mom’ eclipsed ‘woman,'” she says. “Nurturing is a wonderful thing, but when you feel like that’s your only role, it’s a hindrance for good sex, because for that, you have to switch from being a giver to being okay being a receiver.”
We bring up girls to be helpful and empathetic, anticipating others’ needs and satisfying them. To “have it all” can often mean to give your all. To everyone. All the time.
You can partially thank the Victorians for this. In 1862, Dr. William Acton famously said, “As a general rule, a modest woman seldom desires any sexual gratification for herself.” But this is just a belief, and not one we’ve always held. Rowland says the Greeks thought female orgasm was required for conception. There’s no reason modern Americans can’t change the way we conceive of female pleasure.
2. I’m too touched-out
With a baby at her breast and a toddler clinging to her legs, one Seattle-area mom, who prefers not to be named, said the last thing she wants at night is another set of hands on her body. Buehler, a psychologist and sex therapist who’s written multiple books, says the idea of “touch fatigue” is so popular that she was shocked to find not a single scientific study confirming the phenomenon. But it makes sense when you think about it: Have you met many moms who’ll turn down a professional massage? It’s not that parents who spend a good deal of time with young children don’t want to be touched, Buehler thinks. They just don’t want another unpleasant, obligatory touch: “You have a partner who has needs, but they may feel like demands. And then the woman is like, ‘I am not here to service everybody,'” she says. Others simply find the gear-shift hard to manage, Buehler says, thinking, “How am I supposed to be this adoring, nurturing mother by day, and then be this sex goddess by night?”
3. I don’t feel like myself
This feeling of having one’s identity pulled and even torn can be especially acute when kids are small. Becoming a mother can make us feel disconnected from partners and from our former selves. “Most people need to feel relaxed in order to feel pleasure,” says reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks, M.D., co-author of “What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood.” “It can be hard to feel relaxed if you don’t feel like you.”
4. My to-do list is in bed with us
The domestic labor, emotional labor, and mental load that Lopes described isn’t just a time suck—it can also be a desire suck. “If mentally you are distracted, that is going to create tension in your body, and that is going to make it difficult to get aroused,” says Buehler. “To have good sex, you have to be both relaxed and aroused.” Both can be inhibited by rising maternal workload (time-use diaries indicate mothers spent twice as much time engaging with their children in 2012 as they did in 1965) that’s produced rising levels of stress. So too can inequitable division of household labor—exhaustion with a side of resentment is hardly an aphrodisiac.
5. My body’s like, ‘No way’
Dr. Sacks’s co-author, Catherine Birndorf, M.D., says physiology unique to the postpartum window also plays a role: “After you deliver, you are practically in a menopausal state.” Hormone fluctuations can lead to pain, dryness, and lack of sex drive. Moms who are menopausal and perimenopausal often know these symptoms too well. Stacy Tessler Lindau, M.D., who is director of Womanlab and a professor at the University of Chicago, says even when that’s not the case “arousal may take more effort, more concentration.” A variety of other medical diagnoses can also make sex painful, and of course, disrupted sleep has been shown to decrease sex drive.
Medications, too, can play a role. Research is mixed on whether hormonal birth control depresses libido. But, in Dr. Lindau’s clinical experience, some women do experience difficulty with libido on the pill that gets better when they switch to an IUD. Another pharmacological suspect: Women have higher rates of depression and anxiety, says Buehler, and many of the medications to treat them can dampen desire.
6. My body—especially my vagina—has seen better days
Feeling desirable has been shown to increase one’s own desire. Since shame and insecurity are not exactly relaxing, it’s no wonder that internalized ideals of flat tummies and svelte arms can tank libido. That’s true at any stage of life, but physical changes wrought by pregnancy, delivery, and the lingering effects of both can create or compound body image issues. So too can the shape shift that often accompanies menopause.
In a particularly nasty spin-off of body image stress, there’s growing concern among women that their labia are too loose or veiny, a condition dubbed “vaginal orthorexia” by Jen Gunter, M.D., author of “The Vagina Bible.” With everything from surgery to “soundwave therapy” to injection of collagen being marketed to us, the number of women who shell out for “vaginal rejuvenation” procedures has skyrocketed over the last decade, despite the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists calling most such treatments “not medically indicated” and stating that they “pose substantial risk.”
7. Sex just isn’t much fun anymore
Reasons one through six often contribute to and culminate in a seventh reason for decreased libido: All the things that make for good sex—energy, relaxation, playfulness, time, and curiosity—are in short supply after children. That leaves bad sex. And research has proven that bad sex decimates desire.
Think of it this way. The old you liked salad: Freshly rinsed butter lettuce with perfectly tender slices of chicken, ripe strawberries, toasted almonds, and goat cheese with a touch of honey. Or at least you’d hoped to find a salad like that. But these days, the only lettuce you encounter is a day-old pre-pack from an Airport kiosk. It makes sense that some women start to think they just don’t like salad.
One sexual equivalent of limp leaves and mealy tomatoes is when your partner employs what sexperts call “crude initiations”— heading straight to penetration or similarly intense activity without teasing or anticipation, making you feel not alluring so much as … convenient. It’s a form of benign neglect, where a mate or date just doesn’t put in the effort required to arouse. And then there’s habituation—your sex salad is fine, good even. But few of us find joy in eating the same salad week after week, month after month, year after year.
The point is that giving up the sexual side of ourselves after we’ve had kids can be a perfectly sensible reaction to the situation we’re in. “Women hold themselves hostage to this idea that they have low desire, and that they need to work on themselves in order to ‘fix’ a problem, when their low desire is really a healthy, rational, and reasonable response to the fact that they aren’t enjoying the kind of sex that they’re having,” says Rowland.
So what do we do about it?
First, what not to do: Take a hard pass on medicalizing solutions like vaginal rejuvenation and “female Viagra.” And you don’t need to force yourself to have sex as you might go to the gym, with an “it’s painful, but boy you’ll be glad you did it” mentality. A lingerie budget isn’t required either.
Instead of ditching your cozy jammies, say goodbye to those old gendered scripts and the mother-specific ones as well. Believing women naturally don’t like sex as much as men or are too touched out to enjoy it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy—especially when these beliefs get reinforced by distracted, unexciting sex. And that’s a shame, because as Dr. Lindau says, “libido gives people a sense of being alive.”
Instead, I think there are new mantras we can all agree on.
First, moms deserve to relax. Basic prerequisites to relaxation include reliable childcare and equitable division of labor. As Dr. Birndorf puts it, “If we had some time and had some space, we’d all be in the freaking mood.” Believe you’re entitled to it, and then share this priority with anyone who can help make it happen—your partner, your boss, your parents.
Second, moms want sex. If you feel disconnected from your partner, misunderstood, or unseen, Dr. Sacks says, you probably can’t enjoy sex with them until they get to know you again—or get to know your new self for the first time. Making time to talk can help, and you can check out Jessica Graham’s “Good Sex” for next-level info on how to use mindfulness to facilitate reconnection with your partner and yourself. You’ll likely find the new you can contain the old one too. Moms can give and claim. We can be caretakers and want sex, and not just any sex, hot sex.
And finally, moms are desirable. You need to feel hot for hot sex to happen, and this means including yourself in the definition of what’s hot. “After you have children, as you get older, you may need to challenge cultural norms of beauty and of sexuality in order to more fully enjoy your own sensuality,” Dr. Sacks says, “Because the chase to look like someone else or be someone else—and that also applies to being a younger version of yourself—certainly isn’t relaxing and it certainly isn’t on the pathway to pleasure.” But it isn’t all about you practicing self-compassion and redefining your new creases and folds as attractive.
Your partner, whether for decades or a tryst, needs to ask what you want and then put in the time and energy needed to give it to you; you deserve someone who tells you when they like how you’ve made them feel, and brings a sense of mystery and adventure to the bedroom. But most won’t do that, they won’t even realize they should try to do that, until they too chuck the old scripts in favor of these new three. Moms deserve to relax. Moms want sex. Moms are desirable.
When was the last time you felt connected with your partner? That feeling of safety and security in your relationship?
If it’s been a while, know that intimacy is the bedrock of a healthy relationship—including both sexual and emotional intimacy. Here are the seven things you need to know about the connection between emotional and sexual intimacy and how to improve both in your relationship:
1. Intimacy goes beyond sex.
When you hear the word intimacy, what comes to mind? Often people immediately think of sex or physical closeness when they hear the word, but in reality, that’s just one narrow definition.
Intimacy is vast and is defined differently by everyone. The best way to describe intimacy is to think of it as a connection. If you want to be intimate in some way, you want to connect.
2. There are many types of intimacy.
Below are 12 types of intimacy—each one is a way we can connect and build trust with our partners, which is what intimacy really is:
Emotional intimacy
Sexual or physical intimacy
Crisis intimacy
Recreational intimacy
Communication intimacy
Aesthetic intimacy
Work intimacy
Commitment intimacy
Creative intimacy
Conflict intimacy
Spiritual intimacy
Intellectual intimacy
Regardless of how you like to connect, there is an area of intimacy that you and your partner can focus on to build your relationship.
3. There’s a connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.
Two of the most powerful types of intimacy are emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.
Emotional intimacy is being able to share your feelings. Being emotionally intimate with another person means being vulnerable and knowing that you’re not going to be hurt by them. This ability to share your emotions, outlook, and feelings grows your connection as a couple.
Sexual intimacy is being able to connect sexually with your partner in an emotionally and physically safe way. Sexual intimacy improves when two people can openly discuss needs, wants, or desires, creating a safe space where both individuals can communicate their physical and sexual needs without being judged.
When you get your emotional needs met and feel emotionally connected to your partner (that is, you have emotional intimacy), then you’re often more able and willing to connect sexually. In other words, emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy.
4. It’s important to recognize when there are different definitions of intimacy within a relationship.
You and your partner may define intimacy differently, and that’s OK. Everyone sees intimacy differently because we have experienced it differently. Our past behavior, experience, and relationships are the lenses through which we view the world. These affect how we experience intimacy.
Even two people in a relationship can view intimacy differently. For example, you may want to connect with them by spending time alone where you both can relax and talk. On the other hand, your partner wants to connect with you, too, but they see having sex as the way to be close to you.
Both of you want intimacy, but it looks very different. Neither of you is wrong with how you see intimacy, but you each have different intimate needs.
By meeting one another’s intimacy needs, you’re showing each other that you’re committed to listening and acting on their needs.
5. It’s important for you to know your own emotional and sexual intimacy needs.
We don’t have a guidebook to tell us our emotional and sexual intimacy needs, so it’s up to us to figure them out along the way.
Start by writing out your emotional needs. Think about what actions and words you use with your partner to feel emotionally connected. Examine your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions from the past to see what helped you feel connected. Then write out what actions or words your partner can take or say that help you feel emotionally connected to them.
Next, write out your sexual needs. Think about what you want more of, less of, your desires, turn-offs, and turn-ons. Then identify which of these you want to see improve or change.
After you’ve listed your needs, ask your partner to do the same. Then, from a place of nonjudgment and open-mindedness, discuss the needs of both of you so you both have a better understanding of the needs within the relationship.
6. There’s a connection between trust and intimacy.
Trust—that is, feeling safe with your partner and confident that they’ll treat you well, keep their promises, and care for the relationship—is closely tied to intimacy. When intimacy (aka connection) improves, trust also improves. Trust and intimacy move in tandem. When one is down, so is the other. You can’t have one without the other.
When trust is really good in your relationship, you feel emotionally connected to them. Trust is high, so therefore intimacy is high—often both emotionally and sexually.
But the opposite can also happen. When trust in your partner changes, so does your connection with them, both emotionally and sexually. When there is a decrease in trust, your emotional and sexual intimacy decreases.
7. Improving trust improves intimacy.
Trust and intimacy move together in a relationship, meaning if there is a decrease in trust, then there is a decrease in intimacy. That means working on building trust in a relationship is a key part of fostering more intimacy between you.
To do that, start with accepting that trust isn’t an all-or-nothing thing. Think of it like this: Trust moves up and down a scale of zero to 10 throughout the day. If you’re feeling connected to your partner and things are going well, your trust level is on the higher end. If your partner says or does something that doesn’t feel good to you, your trust goes down on the scale at the moment.
Some people make the mistake of saying they don’t trust their partner. However, they’re still in a relationship with them. If you are in a relationship, your trust in them is at least a one on the scale, or you wouldn’t be with them.
To improve trust, your goal is to act and say things that enhance trust in your relationship. Ask your partner if they need help with anything or if you can do anything to support them. Your willingness to offer help shows how much you care about them. Showing genuine care and support is what improves trust.
There’s a powerful connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, and both are closely tied to trust in the relationship. Additionally, creating the relationship you deserve requires you to examine your definition of intimacy and your personal intimacy needs, in addition to your partner’s, and find ways to meet those needs together.
Want to know how to have a better orgasm? Course you do. There’s nothing worse than having an orgasm that leaves you feeling, well, a little deflated. But, sadly, it happens – even if you are using one of the best vibrators.
“No two orgasms are exactly the same,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand Lovehoney. “Some feel so good that they blow your socks off but others, while pleasurable, may not have the same level of intensity.”
But, luckily, there are things you can do about it to help. “The intensity of the orgasm is all linked in to the quality of the sex that proceeded it,” says Annabelle. “The better the sex, the better, and often longer, the orgasm. Plus, an orgasm can often be more intense if you refrain from sex for a few days. And orgasms can be a little less intense if you have sex repeatedly over a short space of time.”
Want to find out more? Here’s everything you need to know about how to have a better orgasm…
How to have a better orgasm on your own
Going solo? Here’s Annabelle’s top tips for women for achieving a better orgasm:
Try a toy
“Toys are fabulous as they take all the hard work and do it for you, especially those with different settings and intensities. They allow you to tailor make your orgasm and can provide you with a variety of sensations each and every time.”
Use lube “Lubricant reduces friction and drag during masturbation. The slick sensations will make stimulation easier and lead to a far more indulgent experience.”
Get yourself in the mood “For many women reading an erotic novel is the best way to get them in the mood. A book is far less obvious than just watching porn, especially when you consider that on the whole the female mind is far more imaginative than the male counterpart, especially when it comes to sex. A sexy book is the perfect way to kick-start those creative juices and to get you in the mood.”
Explore your erogenous zones “Women have 25 of them. Yes, 25. Try stimulating some of the less obvious ones like the belly button, lower back, inner wrist and the perineum, the highly sensitive patch of skin between the anus and the vagina. Many of us are completely unaware of all the pleasure zones on our bodies and we are missing out on a lot of sexual happiness by not exploring them all. Everyone is different and responds in different ways to different kinds of touch. Knowledge is the key when trying to improve sexual experience.”
How to have a better orgasm with your partner
“There are lots of simple techniques couples can use to ensure they have better orgasms,” says Annabelle. Here are her tips to try:
Your most important sex organ is your brain
“It sounds obvious, but the best sex happens when you have a deep connection with your partner. Half of men (48%) and 39% of women reckon that love is the most important factor in achieving sexual happiness, according to research by Lovehoney.”
Take on the mindset you had in your first week of dating
“Remember those early milestones in the relationship: the first time you saw them, the first kiss and the first time you had sex. Cherish those memories and try to recreate the excitement you both felt.”
Variety is the spice of life
“Eat the same meal every night and you will soon get bored of it. Why do you think that sex is any different? Too many couples get stuck in a sex rut where they do the same things, at the same time with the same results. Sex becomes routine rather than something special which you look forward to. Mix it up in whatever way works for you: pick a different room in the house to have sex each time; drive to the countryside and find a secluded spot for your passion; try having sex in the morning instead of the evening; or treat yourselves to a new sex toy. Anything which keeps things fun and breaks the routine.”
Don’t be greedy
“Very few couples have consistently great sex every single time. Most of us experience a mixture of fantastically great sessions, ‘ordinary’ shags and the odd funny incident throughout our relationships. Even couples who rate their sex life as fantastic admit only 2-3 sessions out of every 10 are sheet-grabbing material, so yes, enjoy the phenomenal sessions, but appreciate the good ones just as much.”
Kissing is key
“A lot of couples underestimate the importance of kissing, which is a shame because it’s the perfect way to establish intimacy, and is arguably the most important act of foreplay. Because kissing usually kicks off any sexual activity, knowing how to kiss well can set the tone for the whole evening. Whether it’s lots of tongue, no tongue, nibbling, light pecks or deep, romantic kisses, knowing what your partner enjoys is key to kicking things off right.”
Techniques for how to have a better orgasm
The best advice for how to have a better orgasm? Try to relax – stress and orgasms don’t mix.
“Higher levels of cortisol are associated with anxiety and stress emotions, and high cortisol can suppress sex hormones that impact desire,” says Annabelle. “Having sex when you’re feeling anxious is also basically like asking your mind to multitask, which is hard to do. You are faced with two competing interests for the same neurological system – your anxiety and your sexual activity. It’s not surprising you may struggle to get in the mood.”
But it is worth persevering. “Sex is a great way to relieve stress,” says Annabelle. “The benefits include release of endorphins and other hormones that elevate mood. It’s also great exercise, which itself is an effective stress reliever.”
Here’s Annabelle’s tips to aid relaxation and improve the quality of your orgasms:
Talk to your partner “Your partner may not be aware that you are feeling stressed, so by acknowledging that worry may be causing you sexual issues is the first step to regaining your sex life. It might also encourage your partner to take some responsibilities off your shoulders. Research has shown that sharing the chores is one of the secrets to a good relationship. Getting help at home can help you feeling less tired and more in the mood for sex. If you are on your own, talk about your issues with friends via Facetime or Zoom.”
Make time for sex
“Making time for sex play and to feel sexual is essential. Enjoy prolonged foreplay, intimate massage or just kiss and cuddle to lower those stress levels. Set the alarm 30 minutes earlier and enjoy wake-up sex.”
Ditch the tech
“Keep the phone out of the bedroom unless you are using it to film the action! One in four of us text before we go to sleep and over one third of people take their laptop to bed, so make sure you don’t fall into that trap to avoid stress before bedtime. Checking work emails before bedtime is likely to boost stress just when you don’t need it. Leave them till the morning.”
Get more sleep
“Stress can affect our sleeping patterns, but a good night’s sleep keeps our sexual engines humming. Healthy people who have good sleep patterns are going to be more open to being sexual.”
What to do if you don’t have a better orgasm right away
Try not to feel defeated if you don’t have a better orgasm right away. “You shouldn’t ever feel deflated after an orgasm because sex should always be a positive thing done consensually,” says Annabelle. “It’s just that some orgasms are better than others.”
Try to distract yourself for a bit. “Orgasms are a huge part of sexual satisfaction, but focusing on them too much can actually prevent you from achieving regular orgasms,” says Annabelle. “Instead, focus on your own individual pleasure and on what feels good in the moment. This is called ‘non demanding touch’ and is important in bringing you and your partner together through activities such as sensual massage or mutual masturbation.”
How to always have an orgasm
Just want an orgasm, and not necessarily one that’s “better” than normal?
“Nothing is ‘fool proof’ when it comes to sex,” says Annabelle. “We are humans, not robots. The quality of the sex we enjoy is determined by so many things including physical wellbeing and the emotional connection you have with your partner as well as more practical considerations such as how much alcohol you have drunk beforehand.”
Sounds familiar? “By using good sexual techniques and communicating openly with your partner you can certainly greatly improve the frequency and intensity of your orgasm,” says Annabelle. “But it would be wrong to say that you could fool-proof the whole process. No one can do that, no matter how good they are at sex.”
What happens if a woman doesn’t climax?
Been sexually active for a while and never had an orgasm at all?
“It’s uncommon, but not impossible for women to struggle to climax,” says Annabelle. “Taking certain medications, stress, inadequate stimulation and some medical conditions can all contribute to difficulty in reaching orgasm.”
Worried it’s something more serious? “Anorgasmia is the persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation. It’s a recognised medical term.” Sounds like you? “A woman over 40 who doesn’t think she has ever had an orgasm should see her GP – she is denying herself one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer,” says Annabelle. “Her doctor will be able to determine whether the root cause is physical or psychological. Sometimes there can be a very simple solution such as the use of lubrication to make foreplay and intercourse less painful, particularly in women who struggle physically to self-lubricate.”
Why do some people struggle to orgasm?
Wondering if your problem with having an orgasm is physical or psychological? “Both factors are significant, but I tend to find that physical reasons are more common,” says Annabelle. “It really comes down to poor sexual technique and a lack of stimulation. Remember only one in three women can regularly climax through intercourse alone without further clitoral stimulation. That means if you don’t provide some extra help, seven out of ten women are unlikely to have an orgasm during sex. That is an awful lot of women. Too many women are afraid to address this fundamental issue and enjoy the sex they deserve.”
Got questions about erections? Like why do they happen, and usually at the most random times?
Or what the heck is dribbling out of it? And what’s up with raging semis?
Keep reading, because we’re answering all of your burning questions here. (Not that your boner should burn, BTW.)
An erection — or boner, wood, or chubby, if you prefer — is a hardening of the penis.
Most of the time, the penis is flaccid and just hangs around minding its own business.
During an erection, it becomes temporarily engorged with blood and enlarged. This makes it feel stiff and causes it to stand up and away from the body.
Sexual arousal is often the reason, which is caused by seeing, feeling, or even thinking of something that turns you on.
Erections can also happen for no particular reason. There’s actually a name for these random boners: spontaneous erections.
So if you get a stiffy while watching a documentary on slugs, it’s just a penis doing what a penis does and it’s NBD.
It’s also normal to wake up with morning wood, whether you’ve had a sex dream or not.
To know how an erection works, we need to start with a little lesson on penis anatomy.
There are two chambers that run the length of your penis called the corpora cavernosa. Each contains a maze of blood vessels that create sponge-like spaces.
When those blood vessels relax and open, blood rushes through and fills them, causing the penis to engorge, creating an erection.
A membrane around the corpora cavernosa helps trap the blood so your D stays hard.
Erections aren’t just about the penis, though. Your brain plays a role, too.
When you get aroused, your brain sends signals to your penis that cause the muscles in it to relax and let the blood in.
Everyone with a penis does.
That said, certain lifestyle factors can make it difficult for you to get an erection, like being tired, stressed, or intoxicated.
It shouldn’t. Mostly boners just make you super aware of your D when you don’t generally really feel it or think about it otherwise.
However, there are some instances when an erection might be uncomfortable.
Pee boners are an example of this. They happen because your penis is designed to not let you wet yourself. It’s quite marvelous, really. Try to pee when you’re still hard and you’ll feel the burn.
Excessive or especially vigorous masturbation can also cause some discomfort down there. So, if your pain starts after you’ve been especially heavy-handed lately, giving your penis a rest should help.
Otherwise, an underlying medical condition or injury can cause painful erections. If you have penis pain, a trip to a healthcare provider is in order.
Totally normal — assuming that what’s coming out isn’t bloody, green, or yellow, or has a dank stank to it. (Those are all signs of an STI or other infection.)
Barring those things, what you’re seeing is either ejaculate or pre-ejaculate — or precum, as most people call it.
Ejaculation typically happens during orgasm. This is when your arousal builds and leads to an intense, feels-so-good release that’s accompanied by ejaculate shooting from your penis.
That said, it’s possible to orgasm without ejaculating. It’s also possible to ejaculate without having an O.
That thin, slippery fluid that dribbles out of your D when you’re hard before ejaculation is called precum. It happens to anyone with a penis and is no biggie.
An FYI about precum: It can contain a small amount of sperm and therefore can cause pregnancy.
The point of an erection is so you can partake in penetrative sex.
Granted, you don’t need to have penetrative sex if you don’t want to, but in order to be able to get it in there — whether there is a vagina or anus — you need to at least be a bit hard.
Penetration without an erection is kind of like pushing rope.
The penis is designed to lose an erection once you’ve ejaculated, so that’s one way.
Other than ejaculating, you may be able to able to make it go away by eliminating the source of stimulation, like:
shifting positions (or your boner) so your jeans or thighs aren’t rubbing it
thinking about something else, preferably something nonsexual
distracting yourself by reading anything in sight or counting backward
You can also just wait it out and hide it in the meantime by holding something over it, like your bag or jacket. If your shirt is long enough, you can try untucking it (the shirt, not the boner).
For a menacing rager that pops up at a particularly inopportune time, hightailing it to the nearest exit or washroom might be your best bet.
There’s no hard and fast rule when it comes to how many erections a person should get.
People with penises have an average of 11 erections per day and three to five more each night, but everyone is different.
There are numerous factors that can affect how often you get hard, like your age, hormone levels, and lifestyle.
If you’re concerned about your ability to get or maintain an erection, talk to a healthcare provider. Same if you feel like you’re hard more often than not or have an erection that persists for more than 2 hours straight.
Not really.
Erections are a normal part of having a penis. They’re bound to happen whether you want them to or not.
Using some of the methods we gave to stop an erection might also help you prevent one, but it’s not a sure thing, especially if you have an especially sensitive penis.
Now we’re talkin’!
The key to getting an erection is being relaxed and allowing yourself to get aroused.
Here are some things that can help things along:
Fantasize about something you find sexually stimulating.
As long as it’s not causing you — or anyone — pain or distress, then it’s all good.
Sexual arousal should feel good. Erections shouldn’t be a source of discomfort or guilt.
If you’re concerned about your erections or are struggling with negative feelings about your sexuality, you may find it helpful to talk to a professional.
Erections are natural and just part of owning a penis. As inconvenient as they may be when they come up spontaneously, the ability to have them is a sign of health.
Their main purpose may be to facilitate penetrative sex, but no pressure. Your erection, your choice.
Everyone has a right to healthy, happy sex. But trans, non-binary and gender diverse people are too often left out of mainstream information relating to health and wellbeing. This means trans and non-binary people are often reliant on guesswork and reading between the lines to find what’s relevant and what’s not.
This came through loud and clear when sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust asked more than 200 trans and non-binary people about their sexual health and current provision.
“As trans people, we need to see ourselves in sexual health campaigns and know that the information is written with us in mind,” says sexual health clinician Dr Kate Nambiar.
The information was produced by trans and non-binary staff at Terrence Higgins Trust and developed in conjunction with members of the trans community. Dr Nambiar was the project’s peer reviewer.
The new webpages and print leaflet feature eight trans and non-binary people of different ethnicities, shapes and sizes. In line with feedback, the imagery is empowering and positive – a departure from how trans people are too often depicted.
“I decided to be a part of this resource because I want trans people, however they identify, to know that they are worthy of having an enjoyable and healthy sex life,” says Rory Finn, health promotion specialist at Terrence Higgins Trust who was part of the project group. “Our bodies deserve to be empowered and celebrated, just like everyone else.”
There is no one way to be trans or non-binary, everyone’s different. Masturbation is a good way to get to know what you like and feels good – when you know, you can show your partners what you want. This is true for everyone, but especially so if you’ve just had gender-affirming surgeries and are looking to explore your new body parts. There are a variety of toys on the market that can help with sex. Try different things out. What works for others may not work for you.
2) Checking in
Figured out what you like? Tell your partners. Communication before and during sex can sometimes be awkward and take some practice, but it’s the best way to ensure you are both happy and comfortable with what’s happening. You have the right to enjoy sex and you shouldn’t feel like you have to use parts of your body if you don’t want to. Checking in before sex is also a great time to decide on what barriers and protections you are going to use.
3) Do things your way
Clothing can be affirming, and keeping it on can sometimes mean better sex. Some trans masculine people find that continuing to use clothing like binders and packers during sex feels good. Learning to negotiate the sex that you want, and experience pleasure with potentially new body parts can take time. You might need time to build up confidence and learn new skills to help you negotiate safer sex. You should never be pushed into anything that you are uncomfortable with.
4) Find the best barrier methods for you
STIs can be passed on from all types of sex with all types of body parts and sex toys. Using a barrier such as a condom or dam along with water-based lube is the best way to protect against STIs. Recent lower surgery means unhealed skin, which can make it easier for you to acquire or pass on HIV as bleeding can provide a route into or out of your body. Discuss with your surgeon what kind of activity you can do and how soon. If you’re a trans masculine and on testosterone (T), remember that it’s not an effective form of contraception, but condoms are. The coil, implant, injection or pill can also be safely taken with T. Likewise, hormone therapy for trans feminine people doesn’t provide adequate contraceptive protection.
5) Negotiating condoms
It’s not always easy to discuss condoms before sex, but there are some useful tips to help get them in play. Make sure you have condoms and lube with you and that you’ve practised using them before you have sex. You can make putting on a condom part of play. Passing a condom to a partner can be understood to mean you want to be fucked – it also signals that you want to use a condom for this.
6) Is PrEP right for you
PrEP is a pill that protects you from HIV, taken before and after sex. It doesn’t affect or interact with hormone treatment. PrEP might be right for you if you’re HIV negative and have sex in a variety of situations where condoms are not easily or always used. It gives you empowerment, particularly if you are a receptive partner, or bottom, by taking control over protecting yourself from HIV transmission. There’s also PEP, a treatment that can stop an HIV infection after the virus has entered a person’s body (for example, if you’ve had sex and the condom fails). To work, PEP must be taken within 72 hours (three days), and ideally should be taken within 24 hours. You can get PrEP for free on the NHS from a sexual health clinic, and PEP from a clinic or A&E.
7) Tell a mate you’re hooking up
If you’re planning on meeting someone from a dating app, it’s a good idea to tell a friend where you’re going, when they can expect you to come back and who you’re planning to meet.
8) Be prepared
Just planning on meeting someone for a coffee or quick drink? Plans can change, so make sure you’ve got some condoms and lube with you.
9) Test, test, test
Getting screened regularly is a way to reduce the risk of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Have a sexual health screen at least once every year, and more frequently if you change partners or have casual or new partners. STI screening is quick, free, and painless and you can take your own samples from the body parts you use for sex. These days, there are more ways than ever, including ordering a self-test kit online.
10) Regular check-ups
If you have a cervix then it’s important to get a cervical screening test every three years from the age of 25 (or every five years from 50 to 64). If you’ve changed your name and gender with your GP, you may not receive letters to remind you to go for a screen.
BDSM is a tidy acronym for a broad range of sexual preferences that relate to physical control, usually broken into six components, “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism,” according to Ali Hebert and Angela Weaver, professors in the department of psychology at St. Francis Xavier University, writing in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. And it can be a safe, consensual avenue for exploring the kinks that comprise your unique sexual fingerprint. But for the uninitiated, BDSM can conjure images of how it’s portrayed in pop culture—and let’s just say, Fifty Shades of Grey is not it. Sexologists and sex educators say that IRL BDSM is more about communication with yourself and your partner than it is about Red Rooms of Pain. And to get that conversation started, there’s an online BDSM test that can help you safely learn your tastes.
The first version of the BDSM Test launched in 2014 and it—or similar quizzes like the Sex Personality Test —is often used by sexologists and sex educators with their clients. The BDSM Test is free and works by asking you the degree to which you agree with certain statements related to your sexual appetite. Statements include, “I want my partner to serve me and address me as a superior” and, “I like to be dominated, especially in the bedroom.” At the end of the test, takers will learn the degree to which BDSM “archetypes” fit their particular desires. For instance, you may be 67 percent exhibitionist (or someone who enjoys showing their naked body to other people), 42 percent voyeur (someone who enjoys watching sexual acts), or 15 percent switch (someone who alternates between submissive and dominant behaviors).
Taking the test requires you to do some personal reflection, and sex educator Shanae Adams, LPCC, says that it’s thisself-examination that makes the test worth taking. “I think this quiz is for everyone who has an interest in learning more about themselves and their sexual appetites,” she says, adding that she often uses it with BDSM-curious clients. “This quiz is also great for generating discussion and providing language [for talking to your sexual partner]. It can help people become illuminated on what they don’t know and give them a direction to explore in regards to what turns them on and makes them feel good.”
“You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.” —Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist
Sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, adds that the archetypes can be particularly enlightening. “This test can help a person understand their kinks and possibly permit them to explore them. I like that the test gives you a scale to choose from [with each statement] and also gives percentages [with your results]. This can help you honor your 10 percent dom and settle in your 80 submissive,” says Howard. “You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.”
As with all types of tests that categorize and organize your personality and interests, remember to be flexible and open to the possibility that what revs your engine might not be the same in six months, a year, 10 years. “This is just a test and not a monolithic experience,” says Adams. It also surfaces an a la carte list of options, not a set menu: “If you test high in an area that doesn’t interest you, you don’t have to do that kink. Also in reverse, if you test low in an area that interests you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t explore it,” Adams says. “Use the test as a tool for a jump point, but not as an end-all and be-all.”
There’s a reason the term BDSM encompasses so much: Sex and sexuality are complex. So consider the test an invitation to look deeper—not a box to trap yourself in (unless you’re into that sort of thing).
For starters, know that if your partner won’t go down on you or perform oral sex on you, it has to do with *them,* not you.
By AnnaMarie Houlis
Oral sex is like the cream cheese icing on a red velvet cake. For many, licking it off before indulging in the rest is irresistible. For others, the frosting can be overwhelming or unenjoyable.
Simply, oral sex, like cream cheese icing, isn’t for everyone. Oral sex can feel intensely intimate. And, for a whole host of reasons, your partner may have an aversion to it.
“When a partner won’t perform oral sex, it can feel like your sexual needs don’t matter, reinforcing negative beliefs about whether you deserve pleasure and orgasms,” says Sarah Melancon, a sociologist, clinical sexologist, and the sexuality and relationships expert for The Sex Toy Collective.
But rest assured that the reason why your partner won’t go down on you may actually have nothing to do with you and, rather, everything to do with them. Here, relationship therapists and sexperts alike talk about why your partner may skirt around mouth-motivated foreplay, how their negligence in the cunnilingus department may affect you and your relationship, and how to navigate the situation with your partner in a productive, healthy way.
5 Reasons Your Partner Isn’t Going Down On You
1. It likely has nothing to do with your body and everything to do with insecurities about their body.
It’s possible that your partner doesn’t want to go down on you because they’re anxious about receiving oral sex in return. Or because they’re just nervous about how their own body will react while giving pleasure — if they don’t get hard or wet in the act, it can feel embarrassing.
Society has instilled deep-seated shame in many of us surrounding our bodies and the ways in which we express sexuality. For too long, we’ve been predisposed to unfounded notions of “normal” — vaginas and penises should look this way, and they should function that way.
Folks often worry about the appearance of their vaginas and vulvas, according to a survey of more than 3,600 people by Refinery29. Too many people feel self-conscious about the way the lips of their labia look. Many others dwell on how tight or, rather, how “loose” their vaginas are. Too many concern themselves with the color of their vulvas, fret over every fold or hair or razor burn bump and worry about totally healthy, natural odors that don’t necessarily smell like flowers.
In the same vein, many men are reluctant to admit that they’re “growers” not “show-ers,” because society says only certain sizes are sexy. They’re expected to become erect and make those erections last, and they can feel emasculated when they inevitably sometimes don’t. Studies show that men Google more questions about their penises than they do about how to tune a guitar or change a tire.
And, ironically, when your partner won’t go down on you because they’re insecure about their own body, it can make you feel insecure, too.
“It’s not uncommon for women to start doubting their own bodies, feeling insecure about their intimate parts and thinking there is ‘something wrong with them,'” says Margarida Rafael, a licensed psychologist, and the resident relationship and sex expert at Adore Passion, a Canadian adult store. “This can contribute to lowered self-esteem that’s reflected in other areas of the relationship — the way women may seek validation from partners, feel insecure in their bodies during sex and, eventually, [repress their] sexual needs.”
2. Their past experiences may have colored their attitude toward oral sex.
Perhaps your partner had less-than-satisfactory experiences with previous partners that have caused them to steer clear of oral sex altogether.
“Your partner could be really self-conscious about going down on you — unsure if they are doing it ‘right’ or if you’re enjoying it,” says Alyssa Pressman, a licensed clinical therapist, and certified sex and relationship coach. “There can be a lot of pressure on sexual performance and prowess, which can leave people feeling scared to mess up and with little room to make mistakes. This could be especially true if your partner is a perfectionist or if they’ve had an experience in the past where they were ridiculed or told they were bad at it.”
Because of previous experiences, your partner may not feel confident initiating oral sex, adds Jill McDevitt, resident sexologist for sex toy retailer CalExotics. On the contrary, they may fear being slut-shamed for showing interest or being sexually assertive, perhaps because of negative reactions they’ve had when initiating oral sex in the past.
Your partner might also feel “used” or “subservient” if they’re always the giver and rarely on the receiving end of oral sex, adds McDevitt. While some people may find pleasure in giving pleasure — and that alone could suffice — others may feel uncomfortable with the lack of reciprocation they’ve historically experienced.
3. Oral sex may be a deeply entrenched trigger for your partner.
Your partner may also have had a more deeply-rooted traumatic experience with oral sex. Child sexual abuse affects one in nine girls and one in 53 boys, and those who have experienced sexual abuse are more likely to battle mental health challenges like post-traumatic stress disorder. Oral sex can, therefore, be triggering for some who have been sexually abused. In the same vein, McDevitt explains that some people could worry that, if they give oral sex, they’ll be expected to engage in other sex acts with which they aren’t comfortable.
The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse are various and complex. Research suggests that survivors of child sexual abuse may struggle with distrust, depression, distorted self-perception, and intrusive thoughts that may or may not be accompanied by substance abuse and behavioral dysfunctions.
Some research purports that male survivors may feel “dehumanized or inadequate” and that “there is something inherently wrong with them” because they should have been “strong enough to stop the abuse,” which can feel emasculating. Other research finds that they may even grapple with their sexual identity well into their adult lives. And more research says they may withdraw from intimate partnerships and isolate themselves from others.
Studies suggest that female survivors of child sexual abuse may feel similarly riddled with guilt and shame surrounding their sexuality, and they may develop mental health issues, including dissociative disorders. Internalizing negative messaging about themselves and their bodies is not uncommon — nor is somatization in the form of physical health complications.
All of these mental and physical manifestations of trauma can influence a person’s partnered sex life (and general relationships) in adulthood, potentially steering them away from engaging in oral sex with others.
The same goes for all sexual assault — whether as a child, as a teenager, or as an adult. Perhaps an ex-partner of their’s broke their trust, forcing them to engage in oral sex without consent. In fact, 33 percent of sexual violence cases are committed by a current or former spouse or partner. Trauma from any kind of sexual abuse can play a key role in your partner’s aversion to oral sex. And, even if you feel like your partner can and should trust you, they may struggle to because of their past.
4. Your partner might be selfish or, yup, sexist.
It might be as simple as this: your partner is downright selfish. “They could also be a selfish person and/or lover, which is important to discern,” Pressman puts simply. “Often, what plays out in real life shows up in the bedroom and vice versa. If you are with someone who is regularly selfish and self-centered, this could translate to not being giving sexually.”
“There is a widely accepted (silent) message society passes that sex is about pleasing men — that sex ends when men orgasm, not women,” says Rafael. “Considering a man’s pleasure as a higher priority than a woman’s pleasure has been a long-standing issue throughout centuries of women’s sexual repression.”
And, because oral sex is the top sex act for getting vulva owners to orgasm, a partner’s reluctance to perform oral can certainly contribute to the pleasure gap. Again, this kind of potentially misogynistic or selfish behavior probably plays out in other aspects of your relationship and intimate moments beyond oral sex.
5. Maybe your partner just doesn’t enjoy giving oral sex. Period.
There might not be any underlying reason as to why your partner isn’t going down on you beyond the fact that they just don’t feel like it. Everyone has different sexual preferences, and some people just aren’t into it — and that has nothing to do with you.
To be fair, it’s also possible that some people aren’t into it because vaginas have been cloaked in shame and wrongly regarded as dirty in some aspects of pop culture. (Ugh.) These kinds of attitudes can unconsciously seep in and influence someone’s view of a particular sex act.
Or, it could be as simple as “a personal preference and something they just do not enjoy doing,” says Pressman. “Our sexual partners are not always going to want to do the things we sexually desire.”
Just like you have sexual turn-ons and turn-offs, your partner has turn-ons and turn-offs. Oral sex may not be one of their turn-ons, or it may be one of their turn-offs. Whether or not they’re willing to compromise for your pleasure is a different story.
How to Communicate About Your Desire for Oral Sex
“It goes without saying how imperative communication is, especially in a sexual relationship,” says McDevitt. “It’s normal for it to feel awkward or uncomfortable because none of us were really taught how to talk about these things. But lean into the awkwardness because avoiding it — or using passive or non-verbal hints and hoping your partner gets the clue — is only going to make things worse.”
In other words: If you don’t talk about it, it’ll probably bubble up inside you, which can lead to tension in your relationship. Plus, not having the conversation means definitely not having oral sex.
Just remember that conversation is a two-way street (i.e. listen): “If your partner opens up about why they don’t perform oral sex, listen with curiosity, give them space to complete their thoughts before responding, and try not to take their perspective personally,” says Melancon, emphasizing that you should never judge or shame your partner.
Instead of telling them what you don’t like (which may exacerbate any already-self-deprecating concerns or amplify their insecurities), practice positive reinforcement (i.e. expressing positive feelings when they do something you like), share your sexual desires, and approach them with questions instead of pointing fingers. (Writing it down ahead of time — perhaps in a sex journal — can help you gather your thoughts going into the conversation.)
“Offer praise and recognition of the things you love about your sex life, telling them how it makes you feel when they don’t go down on you and asking what their thoughts and feelings are,” says Pressman. You may choose to end the conversation with a loving and affirming statement, to make sure you both come away from the experience in a secure headspace, she says. For example: “I love being intimate with you, and talking about these things honestly makes me feel even closer to you.”
Your partner may not realize that their actions (or, rather, inactions) are making you feel insecure or dissatisfied. And reassuring them of how much pleasure you get from being intimate with them can go a long way in mitigating any of their own anxieties.
If it’s as simple as your partner just isn’t willing to go down on you, well, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re okay with not receiving oral sex in your relationship.
“It’s okay if it ultimately does not bother you, and it’s okay if this is a deal-breaker for you,” explains Pressman. “You get to decide.”
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