Sexual Performance – Page 66 – Dr Dick's Sex Advice

July 1, 2015June 30, 2015

“Porn” problems unlike any known addiction in largest neuroscience study

Like I’ve said all along…

When studying addictions, there are known relationships between certain stimuli and reactions in the brain. These reactions have, in some instances, become the benchmark for what constitutes an addiction and addiction-based behaviors. There has been heated debate over the very existence of porn “addiction” and what that addiction would look like when studied.

In the largest neuroscience study of porn addiction to date, research conducted at UCLA found a clear reversal of the brain’s typical addiction response in study participants when they were shown sexual images. With the use of brain wave monitoring, participants who reported major problems controlling their viewing of sex films showed decreased brain reactions when shown the sexual images, rather than heightened activity as having a “porn addiction” would suggest.

The study shows that the brain does not react the way an addict’s brain would react to cues for their drug of choice. In fact, the study shows that the hypothetical “sex addict” brain reacts in the opposite way that a drug addict’s brain reacts, questioning whether sex addiction actually exists.

“This finding is important, because it shows a reversal of a part of the brain response that has been consistently documented in other substance addictions and gambling disorder,” Prause said. She also noted that this was consistent with their previous study, in which participants served as their own control and no relationship existed between the severity of their sex film problems and their brain response.

Many self-identified “hypersexual” people say they have an uncontrollable urge for sexual stimuli, and that it has resulted in negative life consequences such as loss of jobs or loss of relationships. For this reason, many clinicians have suggested that “sex addiction” be diagnosed much like drug addiction.

“While we do not doubt that some people struggle with their sexual behaviors, these data show that the nature of the problem is unlikely to be addictive,” said Prause.

The study involved 122 volunteers, both men and women. Some had problems controlling their viewing of sex films and met suggested criteria for problem use of pornography by three different questionnaire measures. Others denied any problems with their viewing of sex films. The 122 participants viewed images and were monitored using electroencephalography (EEG) that measures brain waves. The images were of sexual and non-sexual scenes. They included photos of people skydiving and of a man and woman engaging in intercourse, among others.

The study measured the late positive potential (LPP). Co-author Greg Hajcak described, “The LPP reflects electrical activity of the brain that is recorded at the scalp and time-locked to the presentation of pictures.” The LPP is a very common measure in studies of emotion. “The size of the LPP reflects the intensity of an emotional response, and reflects brain activity occurring in the visual system and ancient subcortical structures,” explained co-author Dean Sabatinelli.

“Hundreds of studies have found that the LPP is larger for emotional compared to neutral pictures,” described Hajcak, “and previous work from myself and my colleagues have shown that cocaine addicts have an increased LPP to cocaine-related pictures.” To test for correlation with hypersexuality, one would expect the brain to show high rates of activity when shown sexual images. In this study, a reverse effect was shown.

“The extent that individuals struggle with attempts to control urges or other internal states such as thoughts or emotions may change how problematic pornography viewing becomes,” co-author and psychologist Cameron Staley added. “Labeling a person’s attempt to control urges a ‘sexual addiction’ may interfere with therapy approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that can reduce distressing sexual behaviors.”

The study appears in the current online edition of the scientific journal Biological Psychology (http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301051…).

Authors on the study are Dr. Nicole Prause, Liberos LLC (http://www.liberoscenter.com); Dr. Vaughn R. Steele, The Mind Research Network, UNM-Albuquerque; Dr. Cameron Staley, Idaho State University, Pocatello, ID; Dr. Dean Sabatinelli, University of Georgia, Athens, GA; Dr. Greg Hajcak, Stony Brook University, Stony Brook, NY.

This research was conducted in the UCLA Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences (http://www.psychiatry.ucla.edu/), which is the within the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA for faculty who are experts in the origins and treatment of disorders of complex human behavior. The lead author is the founder at Liberos LLC, a company in the UCLA startup program devoted to neuroscience research and the treatment of human sexual problems.
Complete Article HERE!

June 22, 2015June 22, 2015

What does is all mean?

Name: Jane
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: Vancouver. BC
When my boyfriend and I have sex, there’s a 50/50 chance that he will put his penis between my butt cheeks and hump me that way until he cums. (It’s just intense rubbing, no anal penetration). Even though I don’t feel like I’m getting any pleasure from it, my vagina gets wet, and if he touches me down there and feels that I’m wet, it turns him on even more. What’s going on here?
He’s very affectionate and he tells me he loves by my body. He says he’s totally straight, but this whole anal thing confuses me. If he’s not gay or bi-sexual, why is it that it takes him 20+ minutes to cum during vaginal sex, but only 5 – 7 minutes to cum during anal?

Ok, Jane, to start with, your BF isn’t doing anal. Believe me, darling, you’d know if he were. Anal sex, by definition, means anal penetration. There’s a name for what your freaky boyfriend is doing — rubbing his cock in your crack, but not penetrating you. It’s a form of frottage, or sexual stimulation by rubbing. This is the sexual practice of choice for most lesbians, most commonly referred to as pussy-bumpin’. Hey, maybe your BF is a lesbian!

Second, your pussy may be getting wet because your boyfriend’s pre-cum and spooge is dripping down your crack, past your “taint” and all over your fine cooch. It ain’t you producing the wetness, which explains why you’re not aroused. I hope that clears up the mystery juice for ya.

Third, loads of exclusively straight men are into anal. Most are into butt fucking their women, but some are into being fucked BY their women. We call this practice pegging — a woman straps on a mighty fine dildo and drives her man insane with a buggering he’ll not soon forget. So you see, fucking is not just for cunts anymore!

Forth, perhaps, just maybe, your vagina isn’t as tight as your what your man is experiencing between your ass cheeks. Maybe, just perhaps, that’s why it takes him less time to bust a nut that-a-way than in a more traditional form of fucking. Also maybe, he’s more turned on with the allure of the forbidden, taboo backdoor action. I guess the only way you’ll know is to ask your BF straight-up, as it were, so to speak.

So let’s review then, shall we? Now that we know for certain that an interest in cornholing a sweet ass is not just a gay thing. You can relax about your BF bein’ queer for wanting to hump your bum. For some guys this is their favorite kind of sex. They love to bust a nut by rubbing their dicks between a chick’s tits, thighs, buns, or feet. It’s anyone’s guess why these dudes prefer this to getting off in, on or around a pussy, but whatever it is, it’s completely harmless.

Here’s a tip, Jane. Relax into this with the ‘ol BF, why don’t ya? Once you stop worrying about his sexual orientation because of his fascination with your be-hind, you may actually enjoy the special attention he’s paying your boot-ty.

And hey, if your BF’s freak with your ass crack isn’t gettin’ you off, you don’t have to just lie there and take it, ya know. While he’s grinding away back there, you could be spending some quality time with little miss clit with say a swell vibrator. Soon you’ll be enjoying things as much as he.

Good luck

June 19, 2015

One Of The Willie Worrisome

Name: lup92
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Location: England
I’m 15 and masturbate often but have had no form of sex although my girlfriend wants to start. However my penis and scrotum have extremely small lumps all over. I also have a purple red large lump on the rim of my bellend. What do I do? Should I start? Or do I risk giving something to my girlfriend?

A quick note before we begin. I’m a Ph.D. kind of doctor. not MD type of doctor. You know that, right? While I know my way around the human body, I never offer medical advice of any sort. And, just so you know, no self-respecting physician, MD kind of doctor, is gonna offer you medical advice online either without seeing you in person first. Which, if you ask me, is a real good thing.

Here’s the thing about lumps and bumps and discolorations of the skin anywhere on your body, especially on your precious willie, pup. They are signs that all is not well. Do us all a big favor and have your johnson looked at by a physician. Your health is nothing to fool around with. Everything you describe could be completely harmless, but you don’t want to take the chance that it isn’t, right? And here’s a tip: don’t do it for your girlfriend. DO IT FOR YOU! It’s your dick, you gotta lean how to take care of it. And there’s no time like the present to start properly lookin’ after it.

Just so you know, I’m not suggesting that your have a STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection). I mean, how could you? You’ve only been wanking, right? Still, if you’re concerned enough to write to me about it, you should take yourself in for a look-see. Since you are underage, you’ll probably need one of your parents to arrange the appointment. But if you are typical teenager, you’ll probably be embarrassed to discuss this with your parents. Still, there’s no getting around this. I think your parents will be proud of you for being proactive about your health and wellbeing. Besides, there’s nothing to be ashamed about.

Another option is to contact a sex-positive resource near you. Check out the folks at FPA. Surely they’ll have a resource for you.

Please take care of this ASAP.

There is one more thing. And I’m gonna be as blunt as I know how. If you think you’re old enough to fuck, you’re old enough to know all about condoms and how to use them. If ya don’t, you’re just a dumb kid who may function like a grown-up, but doesn’t know how to behave like one. And I don’t want to believe that about you.

What it is with young people (old people too) who are still fuckin’ clueless about unprotected sex in this day and age? I have nothing against younger people being sexual. That pretty much is to be expected. But I am totally opposed to kids having kids! Like I said, if you’re old enough to swing it around, you’re old enough to know how to swing it responsibly.

Good luck

June 15, 2015

It Just Don’t Look Right

Name: Manson.
Age: 21
Location:
I was born with hypospadias and I was operated three times during my life. The last operation was when I was 16. Now, I am 21. My problem is that my penis is only 11 cm or 4.3 inches! I am middle-eastern. I am worried about my penis size, since I have heard it won’t grow longer after the ages of 21-25. What is the best method of penis enlargement that you can suggest in my case?
Thank you

First, a quick review of what is hypospadias is for those unfamiliar with the term. It’s an abnormality of the urethra in some men. It involves an unusual placed urinary meatus (piss slit). Instead of opening being at the tip of the glans (or dickhead), a hypospadic urethra opens anywhere on a (raphe) line running from the tip of the dude’s cock along the underside of the shaft to where the base.

This happens when a guy’s dick does not fully develop in the womb.

This condition has levels of severity, from the hardly noticeable to very obvious. Some children are born intersexed, and have ambiguous genitalia, which requires sexual reassignment surgery. But I’ll save that discussion for another time.

Some guys, particularly those with conspicuous hypospadias can develop a complex about their appearance. This in turn, impacts on their self-image and complicates their ability to form lasting sexual/partner/marriage relationships. Severe hypospadias can also interfere with procreation. Other men, perhaps those with less conspicuous or severe hypospadias show little to no concern for the appearance of their dick and live completely normal lives.

Some parents of children with mild hypospadias seek a surgical correction to the problem. I view this as a highly risky means to solve a less relatively innocuous cosmetic problem. There are men who were operated on as a child who now, as adults, resent the interference. Are you one such man, Manson? You say you’ve had three surgeries. As you may know, matters are often made worse rather than better through surgery. And of course, there’s always the risk of complications, infections and the like. There are, however, more serious cases of hypospadias that demand reconstruction. If your dick issue is causing you anxiety or low self-esteem, help is available. Check out: The Hypospadias and Epispadias Association.

On to the size of your cock. While your cock falls on the smaller end of the spectrum, it still is near the average. You might want to google — average penis size to get the lowdown on that.

It’s true what you suspect. Don’t count on your dick growing any larger than it is. And frankly, there are no effective methods for permanent enlargement. Here’s what I wrote to another young man (18yo) who wanted to grow his dick bigger…

Jeez, this is just about my least favorite topic of all. I keep promising myself that I won’t respond to anymore “how do I grow my dick bigger?” questions. And then along comes a young pup, like you John, and asks the question again. Here’s a tip, everything I have to say about cock enlargement schemes I’ve already said. If you want to know my thoughts about this wearisome topic look for the CATEGORIES pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Under the main heading Body Issues you will find a subcategory Cock Size. Once you read through all columns and listen to the podcasts you will have all the information you seek.

But since you’re a youngster I will respond kindly. First, you’re not even completely through puberty yet, John. So if you could just chill out for a couple more years till your growing spurt is complete, you might find that nature itself will resolve your issue for you. If, by chance, you find that by your 18th birthday your cock is no bigger than it currently is, then it’s time to make your peace with your piece. Because basically that’s the dick you’re gonna have to work with for the rest of your life.

In other words, you have about as much chance of growing a bigger dick than what your genetics has determined for you as you do growing your feet bigger or adding inches to your height or changing the color of your skin. It’s simply not gonna happen. There is no true way of safely increasing either the width or the length of your johnson short of a surgical intervention. And I never recommend that.

Just like there are ways to give the illusion of bigger feet, darker or lighter skin or being taller than you really are, there are things you can do to create the illusion that you’re growin’ yourself a bigger dick. But all the creams, the jelqing, the pumps, the weights, the what-have-you, will only have a short-term effect if they have any effect at all. In the end you will have spent a whole lot of money, wasted a lot of time, been consumed with a great deal of anxiety and possibly even injured yourself to wind up having what you’ve always had and not significantly more.

May I suggest that you practice accepting what genetics has determined for you in terms of cock size and everything else. Because that will give you more time and energy to learn how to use what you have to its greatest benefit. Luckily, our capacity to be a good, and even great, lover has nothing to do with the size of our cock. Anyone who tries to tell you different is pullin’ your leg.

I hope this is helpful.

Good luck

June 12, 2015June 12, 2015

In Your Dreams

Name: unkutstud
Gender: Male
Age: 22
Location: WA, usa
I have about a one-inch overhang of foreskin when I’m limp. And when I have a boner my foreskin still covers my cock completely. Even when I skin myself back my foreskin slips back over my cock head unless I hold it back. Do women want me to skin myself back or do they want my foreskin covering my cock before I insert my 8 incher into their pussy? I feel self-conscious about skinning myself back and holding my foreskin back.

I love your moxy, mister. “…before I insert my 8 incher into their pussy?” How you do go on! You knock me out! But I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you have yet to dip your wick into any fine pussy…I mean besides the imaginary pussy of your rich fantasy life. Am I right? I thought so.

Here’s the thing about women. They don’t all share the same tastes about everything. I know, who would have guessed? So when you say things like: “Do women want me to skin myself back or do they want my foreskin covering my cock…” basically you’re tellin’ me you think that these pussy-owin’ creatures are all alike. With that kind of unenlightened mindset you’re gonna get yourself in a whole lot of trouble. Not to mention you’re never gonna get yourself laid.

The thing about women, at least the ones that grove on men, is they seem to have less of an interest in what your unit looks like, let alone it’s size, then they do with you knowing how to use the blasted thing. Consider for a moment that a whole lot of women have never seen an uncut willie. Others have never seen the cut variety. If you want to know how your perspective partner wants your throbbing 8-incher, all you have to do is ask, don’t cha know. Probably they’ll even interpret your asking as a gentlemanly gesture. And that, sir, is how you’ll get yourself laid.

Oh and don’t forget, there’s that sniggling little issue of using a condom each and every time you fuck, right? Seems to me that you’ll most likely be the one placing the rubber on your dick, so you get to choose if it goes over the foreskin on your dickhead or over your skinned back dickhead.

Good luck

June 1, 2015June 1, 2015

Learnin’ to Smoke Some Pole

Name: Janet
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Location: Reno, Nevada
I’ve never performed oral sex on a man before and now I am with a new man and he sometimes hints that he would like me to go down on him. But I’m scared to do so because I don’t really know what to do or if I’ll be doing it right and I’m scared that he might laugh or something. Can you please give me some advice for a first timer on oral sex??

Janet, darling, you are totally in luck. Ol’ Dr Dick has squandered many an hour composing witty postings and charming podcasts on this very topic. Check it out. Look over to your right. See the CATEGORY pull down menu? Good! Now scroll down till you find the main Category — Oral. (Everything is alphabetized.) Under this main heading you will discover “Blow Job” and “Fellatio.” There are also a number of other fun and informative topics there, like gag reflex and cunnilingus. Speaking of which, I hope this new man of yours is gonna return the oral favor once he gets his hummer. Don’t settle for less. If he wants some hot oral action, he better be able give some hot oral action. It’s only right, right?

So as you can see, there’s loads (you should pardon the pun) of good stuff, written and spoken, about the wonderful world of oral sex. Click on any of the Oral subcategories to find just about every word I’ve written about this scrumptious topic.

Or you can simply cut to the chase and read my Sexual Enrichment Tutorial: So Ya Wanna Be A World-Class Cocksucker.

Either way, you’ll be smokin’ yourself some fine pole, like a real champion, in no time at all.

Good luck

May 29, 2015May 29, 2015

An (extremely long) Tale Of Woe

First Name: Sam
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Location: North Carolina, USA
Wow, where do I even begin….

I am a 22-year-old gay male and believe that I may have SOME form of erectile dysfunction. I emphasize “some” because it is possible for me to get hard, firm erections, but I’m ALWAYS by myself when I do.

I have been able to give myself orgasms since I was in preschool. I did not masturbate the “traditional” way that men do (or ejaculate) until I was in 6th grade. Before that, I would lay down with my hands cupped around my crotch area and would “hump” into them until I felt an orgasm sensation and would then stop. In 6th grade I began to look at gay internet porn, and, seeing how most of those men masturbated, began to emulate the process. I even practiced “edging” often, beginning in 6th grade, as I had read on the internet at that time that it built up sexual stamina and led to powerful orgasms.

I would say that since I’ve been able to have orgasms (beginning in preschool), I would have one usually at least once a day. There were days here and there where I wouldn’t, but I guess an average would be 6 out of 7 days per week, with an average of twice per day. Of course, it’s hard to average them out since I’ve been having them for so long.

I did not start having sexual intercourse until my freshman year of college when I was 18, with my roommate at that time. Even that first time, I had problems maintaining my erection. I also had to use my hand and masturbate in order to have the orgasm, which took much longer than when I’m by myself. My roommate and I engaged in sexual intercourse regularly for the latter 2 and a half months of my freshman year, and every time, I had to have an orgasm by masturbating. Oral sex would not work, his hand would not work, and we did not engage in anal sex.

From ages 19-20, I had very little intercourse, but regularly masturbated (almost always to porn), and had no problems maintaining an erection and achieving orgasms. I hooked up with older men occasionally during this time, and again, could not have an orgasm unless I masturbated. It was also slightly more difficult to get an erection than by myself watching porn, and always took me longer to achieve orgasm than by myself. I had my first experience with anal sex (as a “top”) during this time as well, and could not ever reach orgasm, same with oral sex and hand-jobs.

When I was 20 I met and began dating my first boyfriend. We were together for 10 months, and while I enjoyed my time with him, our sex life was poor. We did not engage in anal sex except once, because we both considered ourselves tops. The one time we engaged in anal sex I tried to be the bottom, but did not enjoy it at all and had to stop. We did engage in oral sex, but I could never achieve orgasm that way. Again, I had to masturbate in order to have an orgasm. Not only that, but I began to have significant trouble sometimes to get an erection. Also, it took a lot longer for me to reach orgasm when I masturbated with him. By myself with porn, I could reach orgasm as quickly as 5-7 minutes. With him, it often took me at least 20 minutes, and it was usually 25-35 minutes.

After we broke up, I began to hookup a little more frequently then I had in the past, but it was not that often. Whenever I did, again, I always had to masturbate to achieve orgasm, and it took me a long time to do so. AND, during some of these hookups, I simply could not even achieve orgasm myself, as I started to have difficulty maintaining or even getting an erection. I highly doubt it was because of my sexual partners, because I would not hookup with someone I was not sexually attracted to. Also, I usually could have erections during foreplay, but when it came to the “big finish” my erection would start to wane or just become completely soft, and nothing I did or thought about changed that. Once, I achieved orgasm from barebacking (which I have not done since and luckily did not contract HIV or an STD), and there was also only one time where I hooked up with a guy and achieved orgasm from him giving me oral sex, although I believe this was because I refrained from masturbating for the past few days beforehand.

I am 22 now, and am starting to worry that I will not be able to ever have any good sex with someone else other than myself. In almost all of my most recent hookups, I have had to use a cockring to get an erection, and even then sometimes it doesn’t even help. Also, in almost all of my most recent hookups, it either takes me around 30 minutes to masturbate to orgasm, or I simply can’t have an orgasm because of lack of an erection. However, if I am by myself watching porn, I do not have any trouble getting and maintaining “rock-hard” erections and reaching orgasm.

I have become particularly concerned about this problem now, because I have begun to date someone and engage in sex with him for the past few weeks. When we first had sex I topped him anally and had a good erection. But we still masturbated together to completion. Ever since the first time though, I have had a LOT of difficulty just getting an erection period. Cockrings do not help, and oral sex and foreplay don’t really help either. Sometimes when we make out for a while I’ll start to get kind of hard, but then when I try to get ready to penetrate him or simply masturbate with him, I’ll go soft again. I’ve been able to reach orgasms sometimes when I masturbate with him, but my penis is usually semi-soft when I reach orgasm, and again, it takes more effort and certainly more time to do so then when I’m alone watching porn. He is incredibly good looking, good at sex, and very passionate, so I know it is not him. Luckily, he does not mind when I cannot perform, he says he likes me for me and that everything is fine, and he thinks that I shouldn’t worry about it. But at this point, I really can’t help but worry about it…

The last time this problem happened I had willingly decided to not have an orgasm for three days beforehand, hoping that it would help the issue. But unfortunately, it did not help or change anything. I’ve decided to completely stop viewing or watching any pornography whatsoever, and have also decided that when I masturbate I will avoid as much contact with my hand and, instead, use my FleshJack (the gay version of FleshLight) with the “Squeeze” texture (their most “realistic” anal texture). I have not had sex with him since I decided this (which is the day I’ve written this question, May 27, 2015).

I apologize for this EXTREMELY long inquiry, but I didn’t want to leave out any details of my sexual history in case they were important. I’m wondering if masturbating regularly since preschool has anything to do with my poor performance. And I’ve considered that I’m “overthinking everything” when I engage in sex and maybe that’s preventing me from getting erections with other men, but I’m such a sexual person that I can’t think of anything but dirty, sexual thoughts when I’m with another man, yet it just doesn’t seem to work. I do start to focus on not being able to get an erection if I’m not getting one for 5-10 minutes, but during that time beforehand, I’m not thinking about anything other than the pleasure, so I don’t see what I’m doing wrong. The problem is beginning to be REALLY embarrassing and I’m concerned that if I’m already having these problems at only 22 years of age, I’ll likely have the worst of erectile dysfunction problems in the future.

I suppose my main questions are:
1) What could be causing this to happen?
2) Is my proposed method of completely avoiding porn and masturbation via my hand an appropriate solution?
3) Do you have any specific suggestions or general advice that can help me with this problem and/or my sex life?

Again, I apologize if this is way too long; I’ve just never been so concerned about it before. I’m 22, I should be able to get rock hard erections easily, but I feel like a 70 year old man who just “can’t get it up.” ANY advice you can give me will be sincerely appreciated.

Whew, Sam, that was like the War And Peace of sex advice questions.

It’s perfectly clear that you are worried about your sexual response. But I’m gonna guess that your worry is actually making things worse. Before I respond to your three questions, I want to say; get thee to a therapist! You need to sit down with a sex-positive therapist and work through this stuff with him/her. This is super important, don’t just blow it off. If you need a referral, see the Directory of the American College of Sexologists to find someone in your neck of the woods. I also offer remote therapy via Skype or phone. See my Therapy Available page.

Now to your questions in the order you asked them…
1) What could be causing this to happen?
Everything you tell me points to performance anxiety. I’ve written and spoken a great deal about this issue over the years. Use the CATEGORIES pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Scroll down till you find the main category, Sex Therapy. Under it you will find the sub category, Performance Anxiety. You’ll find tons of information.

2) Is my proposed method of completely avoiding porn and masturbation via my hand an appropriate solution?
It might be, but not for the reason you suspect. Again, you need to discuss this with a therapist. It’s important and more involved than I have time and space to lay it out for you.

3) Do you have any specific suggestions or general advice that can help me with this problem and/or my sex life?
Yeah, chill the fuck out! Honesty, that’s the best thing you can do right now. Then, with the help of a therapist, work through your problems, put in place a program to rebuild your partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. You’ll probably begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction, and relaxation exercises.

May 22, 2015May 22, 2015

Spooge-alicious!

My wife fantasizes about cum swapping with me and forcing me to lick my freshly deposited spooge out of her vagina, but every time we try, just after I ejaculate, I loose my nerve. I have tried to taste my own cum before, and it really does turn me on, but there seems to be a huge difference between fantasizing and doing. I love my wife and want to fulfill her fantasy.
How do i get over my apprehension to gulping my own love juice?
Regards,
Chris

OMG Chris! What are you, trying to do make me sick? Just kidding! What a spunky little spitfire you’re married to, my man. Nasty little piggy sex, it’s my favorite kind! You guys GO!

“Vaga-felching” or “lickin’ a creampie” is a relatively obscure fetish. The gays are more likely to felch, cuz they’re so into the whole jizz thing, don’t cha know. Vaga-felching is a-completely-nother thing…especially if it’s a straight dude doing the felching.

Ya see, a guy is always up for layin’ down and nice slime trail, but lickin it up again, especially after it’s been in the inner-recesses of a pussy…why that pretty much enough to make most straight dudes hurl.

I suppose you’re slightly ahead of the ballgame, considering you say you find the taste of your own baby batter a turn on. That’s a good start. The big hurdle, of course, is the having the same desires post-ejaculation as you do pre-ejaculation. And therein lies the rub, darlin’.

Ya see, when we’re in the throws of passion, when we’re totally aroused, we get in this state. It’s exactly like a state of suspended animation, only completely different. 😉 Our senses — sight, smell, touch and taste are muted and our judgment is impaired. Which allows us to do all sorts of things we would never consider if our dick wasn’t hard. Just ask all the holier-than–thou preachers and politicans who’ve been caught lately with their pants down, so to speak. You know the old saying; “A stiff dick has no conscience,” don’t cha? Well, it’s kinda like that.

All the nasty piggy little things we can groove on with a hardon, often evaporate once we’ve shot our load. And seein’ that ya gotta shoot your load in order to make a creampie, the fetching thereafter becomes considerably less tantalizing once you do, if ya catch my drift.

I suppose you could push past the hesitation you have with a little mind game. You could try to convince yourself that what was alluring before the creampie was made is the same thing as after. But then you’d have to override your reinstated judgment and senses of sight, smell, touch and taste to do so. But, if you ask me, I think you could do it. It’s just a little issue of mind over matter.

Get it? Got it? Good!

May 15, 2015

Hey, Where’s My Big “O”?

Name: BJ
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Location: PA
I’ve been sexually active for several years now and have yet to reach an orgasm. Oral sex, intercourse nor masturbation have been effective. Is there something wrong with me, what might help?

I’d be very much surprised if there was actually something physically wrong with you. But you clearly have some difficulty letting go. And simply put, an orgasm is letting go of built up sexual tension.

Lot of preorgasmic women don’t feel entitled to an orgasm, for one reason or another. Other women are simply unversed on how to make the big “O” happen in their own fine self. Sometimes it’s a combination of both resistance and a lack of know how.

I once had a client, a woman in her late 30’s, the mother of three and a devote Catholic. She was preorgasmic too. Her big stumbling block was fear. You got it; fear of having an orgasm. She had heard from other women over the years how powerful orgasms were and how much fun they were. My client somehow got it in her head that if she were to ever let go and give up that long-awaited screamin’ meme, her entire world would collapse. She’d become a sex addict, neglect her children, divorce her husband and turn her back on God…the whole enchilada.

With that kind of mindset, this little lady wasn’t gonna let herself cum no how.

I had to reassure her that, as delightful as orgasms are, they are not like crack cocaine. I told her there was no chance that she’d fly to pieces as a mother, wife and friend of Jesus if she were to diddle herself once in a while. I had to keep repeating this over and over till it finally sank in. You talk about hardheaded! In the end, she had her precious orgasm, joined the ranks for the sexually satisfied and lived happily ever after. …Well, I can’t honestly say about the happily ever after part, but she sure did smile a whole lot more afterwards.

Back to you BJ, I don’t suppose there’s any way you could have one of your gal-pals show you how it’s done, is there? The reason I ask is most guys learn how to choke the chicken by watching, or being instructed by another guy. Us men folk are really good about doin that for one another. Women, on the other hand, don’t seem to do this for one another as much. Which is a freakin’ pity, if ya ask me.

If you can’t (or won’t) get a pal to show you around proper pussy pleasuring, I have another suggestion for you. Mozie on over to DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY and check out a swell instructional video. (There’s a link to this marvelous resource in the header.) Do a quick search for “female masturbation” and let the experts show you a thing or two. You’ll be so glad you did.

Another great resource: The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women: How to Become Orgasmic for a Lifetime by the brilliant Mikaya Heart. By the way, you can find a dynamite two-part interview with Mikaya HERE and HERE!

Here are a few tips:

Get in the mood

Relax as much as you can. Whatever that means for you. Take a warm bath or have a glass of wine. Ensure your privacy: turn off the phone, lock the door for privacy from roommates, kids, whoever. Find a comfy position. Most women start out lying on their backs, legs bent and spread apart, with feet on the ground. Remove most or all of your clothing (or as much as your comfortable with).

Explore your body

Run your hands along your body, lingering along areas that are more responsive to touch than others. If you’re able to do it, and you’ve never done it before, you might want to try to look at your genitals in a mirror. Because so many women are raised with negative messages about their bodies, and particularly their genitals, being able to see while you touch can be powerful and surprising. Find and touch your inner and outer labia, your clitoris, your vagina and your perineum.

Touch yourself

Using one or two fingers, rhythmically stroke the different parts of your vulva, paying particular attention to your clitoris and labia. Experiment with different types of pressure, speed and motion. Try placing a finger on either side of the clitoris and stroking up and down, or placing two fingers on the clitoral hood and rubbing in a circular motion.

Experiment

Try different types of touch: stroke, tickle, knead, pinch, or lightly pull your genitals. Try using one or several fingers, the palm of your hand, even your knuckles.

Build up excitement

Learn to hold onto sexual excitement by building up and then reducing or temporarily stopping the stimulation. (Men do this all the time when they jack-off. It’s called edging.) Pay attention to how your body is responding. It will tell you the particular stroke that feels best and when to pick up or slow down the tempo.

Don’t forget to breathe

Many women hold their breath as they get excited. Be mindful of your breath and learn to play with breathing during arousal. Try to breathe deeply rather than hold your breath. This can help release the sexual energy, rather than fight it.

Moving a little

In addition to often holding our breath, many women tense up and don’t move much at all when wtheye masturbate. This might work for you just fine, but if you haven’t explored movement, it’s worth a try. Moving while you are getting turned on, and moving during orgasm can change the way you experience pleasure in your body. For some women this means rocking their pelvis. For others it means moving their legs or torso side to side. Find what movement works for you and then intentionally start doing it while you masturbate.

Letting go

If your hand gets tired, give yourself a rest, switch hands, or try a vibrator. If you’re on the brink of orgasm, but can’t quite get over the hump, try to become more conscious of your breathing, give yourself extra stimulation: caress your nipples, or try thrusting your other fingers or a dildo in and out of your vagina.

Ride the Wave

As you begin to orgasm, continue the stimulation through the orgasm. Lighten up on the stimulation during the first extremely sensitive moments but keep it going to enjoy those little pleasurable aftershocks. Your first orgasm may feel like a blip or a blast, but the more you practice, the more variety you will experience.

Fantasizing

Sexual fantasy can be a double edged sword when it comes to masturbation. If you have trouble getting yourself in the mood or getting over the top, a hot fantasy may be just the ticket. I often suggest reading erotica to get in the mood. However, when we fantasize some of our attention is taken away from what’s happening in our bodies in the moment. Sometimes what is getting in the way of us enjoying masturbation is that distance from our bodies. It’s good to try everything, but be mindful of whether or not your fantasies are acting as an enhancer or a distraction.

Some final thoughts…
Vibrators take some of the manual labor out of masturbation by providing direct, intense physical stimulation to the clitoris. check out all the marvelous vibrators we’ve reviewed for you at Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews.

Many women learn to jill-off in the bath or shower. A direct the stream of water on your vulva and clitoris can be a game changer. Vary the pressure, the pulsation, and the temperature. Alternate methods: slide your butt over the drain so your legs are up in the air and your genitals are up under the tub faucet (rather awkward but do-able for some), or use Jacuzzi jets.

Rub against something–a pillow, the corner of some furniture, a washing machine in operation.

Dildos can be a pleasurable accompaniment to clitoral masturbation, as they offer the fullness of penetration and can also stimulate the g-spot.

Write back again, BJ, and let me know how things go. If you’re not successful, I still have a few other tricks up my sleeve.

Good luck

May 1, 2015

Stretching out of the sexual doldrums

Name: Gwen
Gender:
Age: 57
Location: Philly
My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the internet helps too. 😉 Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you, Gwen

No, thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. In fact it’s so familiar I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships. Like you and your old man, these couples have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives.

I take a very unique approach to these groups by inviting both straight and gay couples to the same group. At first I got a lot of resistance. Most couples, both gay and straight, think there is nothing to be learned from a couple unlike them. They can’t imagine why I would want to integrate the group in such a manner. I think most of my couples feel more comfortable being in a segregated group — straight folks with straight folks, gay folks with gay folks.

But that is of course the reason I integrate the groups. I don’t want them to feel all comfy and cozy, I wanted them to work and learn and stretch themselves out of their sexual doldrums. At first, I had to ask all my couples to suspend judgment about an integrated group until they had an opportunity to participate in one. Now I don’t encounter so much resistance. Word’s gotten out that this is a really creative solution to an otherwise tricky problem. And that old married couples, regardless if they are gay, lesbian or straight have very similar problems. And they can and do learn from one another.

To your specific issue, Gwen, I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to the cooch, but you can’t make him lick, if ya know what I mean.

Fat man holding a measurement tape against white background

You confide that you husband is overweight and stressed; this is not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if your challenged him about his general health — encourage weight loss and stress reduction, you might find that this would also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.

And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from a woman who is eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.

Men also go through changes, in midlife. There’s even a name for it — andropause — the male menopause as it were. It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation in which to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men.

Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into our senior years. I think you already know this, Gwen, but many women in my audience don’t.

If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:

Hugging, cuddling, kissing
reading erotica aloud together
Touching, stroking, massage, sensual baths
Masturbation and oral sex

However, if your husband is more wedded to food and stress than he is to you, and if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. 57 is way too young to say goodbye to your sex life.

May I suggest joining a women’s group. Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, involving yourself with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in a sex life with them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.

Good luck

April 20, 2015

A molehill becomes a mountain

My problem is Sexual dysfunction, I can have a hard on and keep it for penetration but if I have to use a condom I lose my erection, most of the time. I also take to much time to cum. Most of the time I loose my erection and I can’t finish what I’ve started. I would like to find a solution for this, because I have been like this for a long time, and it is really frustrating for me. I do appreciate your help and look forward to hear from you.
— Miguel.

Sounds to me like you’re racing to the finish line. Hey, where’s the rush? You may be experiencing a bit of performance anxiety, but I don’t think it’s a full-blown sexual dysfunction quite yet.

Look for the category pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Scroll down till you find the category — Sex Therapy. Under that category you will find a subcategory labeled PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.

You’ll find loads of information about this issue in both written and podcast form.

Here’s an example of what you’ll find…

Simply put, there’s a difference between the psychosexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. There’s probably nothing wrong with your unit. It’s all in your head…or your mind, to be more exact. And I’m not being flippant.

Here’s how performance anxiety works. Say I have a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before I know it, I’m replaying the incident over and over in my mind’s eye till that’s all I can think about. The proverbial molehill has become a mountain, don’t ‘cha know. I then bring my anxiety to my next encounter. My hyper self-consciousness primes me for more disappointment. And I’m all prepared to interpret the disappointment as a failure. Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? My fears become self-fulfilling and I find I’m beginning to avoid partnered sex and my relationship flounders, I develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction and my self-esteem takes a nosedive. My preoccupation with my problem makes it less likely that I’ll be fully present during sex with my partner, which pretty much scuttles my sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.

Get thee to a sex-positive therapist ASAP! Believe me this is nothing to fool around with. Check out the directory at The American College of Sexology for a therapist near you. If you can’t find anyone near you and you really need to talk to someone, check out my Therapy Available page. I do remote therapy/counseling via Skype or phone.

When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck

April 17, 2015

The Suppressing Gag Reflex — A Tutorial

Arguably, the humble blowjob is the most common partnered sexual activity for men — straight, bi or gay.

It’s pretty obvious why the gays like to suck cock. But nowadays loads of straight women have taken to smokin’ some pole too. Let’s face it; it’s a great way to give pleasure. Regardless of whether it’s part of foreplay, after play, or the main event — like relieving the Commander in Chief in the oval office after a long day of commandering and chiefing, don’t cha know.

Certain skills are essential for mind-blowing oral sex. The preeminent skill, of course, is mastering the gag reflex. But close behind that is keeping your partner’s spooge off your blue dress.

Did you know that the gag response is least active in the morning? That’s right, my pretties, you’re gonna have to know things like this if you aspire to getting a gold medal in cock sucking. Besides, tidbits like this also make for the most charming dinner party trivia.

Today we’re gonna look at three important aspects of understanding and suppressing that nasty gag reflex when chowin’ down on some love muscle.

1) ANATOMY

So let’s take a semi-serious look at the gag response and why we have it. Millions of years of evolution have provided us the anatomical function we call the gag reflex to protect our throat. And as all you rocket scientists know an obstruction in your throat — in either your larynx, which connects to your lungs or the pharynx, which connects to your stomach could be deadly. And since us humans breathe more often than we swallow, the larynx is always open. We all have a piece of cartilage known as the epiglottis at the back of our throat that responds to swallowing. This is not to be confused with the uvula, which is that little thingy that hangs down from the back of your mouth.

Isn’t this fascinating? Aren’t you delighted you stopped by today? Hold on, there’s more!

The passageway to the stomach is fairly narrow, although you’d never guess that from the way some folks wolf down their food. The gag reflex protects us from getting something stuck in there. If the object being swallowed — a big old cock or a piece of cold pizza — can’t easily pass the opening of the pharynx, the epiglottis flaps triggering the gag response. This forces the foreign object — big old cock or cold pizza — out. This is a lifesaving reflex because it protects us from literally biting off more than he can swallow. And since there’s not gonna be a whole lot of biting off and chewing when we blow some dude, the gag reflex can be pretty pronounced.

The object of this tutorial is to help us subdue this lifesaving reflex when needed. The first thing we should know is when suckin’ cock, the dick in question can’t get stuck in our pharynx because, happily it’s attached to the dude we’re blowin’. It can, therefore, be removed without the coughing and choking associated with the garden variety of gagging.

Let’s review, shall we? Your tongue, your salivary glands, your hard palate, your soft palate, your uvula, your epiglottis, your tonsils, and your pharynx are all parts of the sensory experience for you as well as your partner with his dick in your mouth. When you deep throat his johnson, your uvula and the epiglottis tickle his dickhead. I guess that’s why us mens like getting’ head so much.

Like anything worth doing, mastering the gag reflex takes practice. The most important thing to remember is that we cannot simultaneously inhale and swallow. Also the epiglottis is very flexible, while the pharynx is relatively rigid.

Let’s do some math. The depth of our mouth — from the lips to the curve in the pharynx just in the back of the throat is three of four to inches. The pharynx runs another five and half inches or so before the esophagus begins, which continues another eight or nine inches. That makes for total passageway available for swallowing cock between seventeen and nineteen inches long. How’s that for adaptability? Your throat is not just for sword-swallowing any more! As long as your partner’s prick is neither too wide nor too stiff to make the turn in the pharynx, an average cocksucker can completely swallow just about anyone for a short period of time while holding his or her breath.

2) POSITION

Probably you’ve already guessed that positioning the cock your sucking at just the right angle down your throat is crucial. Check it out. Take a deep breath; insert two fingers as far as possible into your mouth. Your fingers will bend easily downward. While you’re rootin’ around inside there, you’ll immediately have a sense of internal capacity of your oral cavity. Carefully placing a couple fingers at the back of your mouth shouldn’t cause you to gag, but moving them around might. This will underscore the importance of having the willie you’re about to swallow go in the right direction.

So let’s say you’re on your knees, with the intended cock right in front of you. If it’s rock-hard and/or curved upward, as some of those darling things are, that dick is gonna go pounding against your tonsils, making you gag, sure as shootin’. The dude’s cock has to go in and then down your throat, not up and against the roof of your mouth. Got it? Jamming his member against your hard palate will also be pretty unpleasant for the owner of the said cock. This could easily give his dickhead a real owie!

This brings us to the ever-popular sixty-nine position. It’s so popular because it points the dude’s rod toward the base of your tongue, thereby successfully navigating of the curve in your throat.

3) BREATHING

A proper breathing technique is as important as position to happy deep throating. The aquatic minded among us already have the key. Swimmers know that synchronizing one’s breathing with the motion one is making with his or her arms and legs makes for less effort and more stamina. The same is true for the person gulping a big one…or even a small one for that matter. You’ll want to inhale while doing down on his cock, exhale quickly while coming up, then inhale again going back down. The deeper you inhale on the down stroke, the longer you’ll be able to hold your breath. And PRESTO! The longer you’re able to hold your breath the deeper your partner’s baloney pony will disappear down your gullet. So you see, it’s exactly like swimming, only completely different.

For the non-athletes in my audience there is another way to learn to control the gag reflex. Simply practice holding your breath and swallowing at the same time.

We could all learn a lot from the little piggie cocksucker among us. They’re in this whole blowjob thing for the long haul, and they know that pacing one’s self is crucial. They know how important it is to pull off the cock from time to time, at least far enough to take in some air before going down on it again. If you try this you could make some yummy sounds while you pull off his cock. Or you could take it out of your mouth and look at it admiringly. He’ll be impressed that you like his rigid piece of art, and only you’ll know that what you’re actually doing is simply catching your breath.

You should know that deep throating a pleasure prong is gonna make a lot of saliva. This is a double-edged sword. Great for keeping things lubed up, but problematic if that abundant saliva falls into the larynx and makes you cough and choke. If your saliva becomes a problem rather than an asset try relaxing for a bit with his cock in the forward of your mouth so that your larynx will open for breathing. This shallow sucking is a delightful counterpoint to deep throat sucking. You can also practice relaxing and stretching the muscles that regulate swallowing by opening your mouth wide, like in a yawn.

Whichever technique or combination of techniques works for you, remember to breathe. Accumulation of mucous will sometimes mean you have to take a break to spit. If you try to continue without spitting, it will just make your uncomfortable. And who need that?

Also when you deep throat your nose will run and your eyes will water. So if you’re wearing a lot of makeup when you’re blowin’ your guy, you’ll look like a raccoon with a clown face by the time you’re through. Some guys really like this. It suggests to them that they have a really big dick to have wreaked so much havoc.

You’ll probably want to keep at least one of your hands on his pole while you’re sucking it. This will give you more control, especially when he starts pelvic thrusting.

It is a good idea to keep a hand on his balls too, as they are usually a good indicator of how close your man is to cuming. As he gets closer to shooting, the skin on his scrotum tightens and pulls his balls towards his body to warm them up. You can let this happen on its own, or help out by stimulating his jewels with your hand, tongue, or mouth.

Finally, common mistake most women and some men make while blowin their guy is using only their mouth to repeatedly bob up and down his weener. This is neither pretty or particularly helpful! Some folks continue doing this until they get a sore jaw or neck. A good deep-throatin’ blowjob should not be too repetitive. The wise cocksucker will keep her/his hands busy throughout. She’ll include stroking his dick, exploring balls, thighs and asshole. By mixing things up, he’ll allow his mouth and throat muscles to relax. This will improve one’s performance and will subdue one’s gag reflex.

Good Lick…I mean Luck…ya’ll.

April 10, 2015

What’s a mother to do?

What we have here is an exchange I had with a woman and while I don’t know anything about her, not even her name, I can make some inferences. If I had to guess, she’s in her 40’s. She’s married and has kids.

You must talk to a lot of women in your practice and hear from a lot of women through your advice site. What would you say are the main sexual concerns of women over the age of 40?

Research shows that approximately 40% of women experience sexual problems. But a 2008 study out of Harvard suggests that only a few — 12% — are concerned enough with these issues to do anything about them. I find that not only surprising, but shocking! That suggests to me that sexual wellbeing is not a high priority for a good number of women. What a bummer!

Low libido, diminished arousal, difficulties with orgasm, pain with sex or body image concerns all play a part. A lot of this is directly connected with having an ineffectual partner. I mean, I’d give up sex too if I was consistently frustrated and unfulfilled. But what about masturbation? Are sexually frustrated women seeing to their own needs through self-pleasuring? I don’t see any hard data, you should pardon the pun, on that topic.

We hear a lot about the horny dad and the tired mom, but what do you do if the “roles” are reversed – and dad is tired and mom is horny?

Curiously enough, I hear from way more men these days, who are exhausted, depressed or overweight and who have little or no libido, than I hear from women with the same problems. Sign of the times? You betcha!

But don’t sink to the lowest common denominator. Here’s one of my most popular tutorials, Sex Play — Tips and Techniques.

How can parents find common “ground” when it comes to when they might have sex (as in day of the week or time of day)? Does it always involve compromise? Can our internal clocks ever synch up?

Synching up schedules my not always be the solution. If we wait for that to happen, we could die waiting. The answer might be finding a middle ground. “I may not be up for full on fucking at the moment, but I’ll give you a fantastic hand-job.” Or “I can’t seem to get it up right now, but hand me your vibrator and I’ll send you to heaven!” I’m a huge proponent of mutual masturbation.

Another suggestion might be something like The MoodSign. We reviewed this very clever gismo awhile back. In fact, it was among our Best Products List for 2013. Check it out and see if something like this would help.

If parents are interested in kinking it up, what are some simple, not too scary ways to introduce it into the relationship?

Keep it safe and consensual. Always have a safeword. I developed a workshop called; The Gospel of Kink. I’ve also conveniently packaged this workshop into a workbook with the same title. You can find the book HERE!

Both the workshop and book are designed to help people, like you, develop the skills they need to effectively communicate with one another and improve their problem solving skills. The workshop and book, as the title suggests, are specifically geared toward folks in kinky, BDSM, and alt-culture relationships, but even vanilla couples will find what I present very helpful.

Bondage games are always fun. And you don’t need anything beyond what you already have in your closets — silk scarves, belts, shoe strings, etc.

Nipple clamps, playing with sensations like ice cubes and hot wax, hair pulling, making use of blindfolds and gags

Discipline/Spanking is always fun too — a ruler, a hairbrush, a wooden spoon, a belt, rubber bands. See my tutorial: Spank Me, Daddy.

Role play is always a delight. Don’t forget about phone sex.

There are tons of instructional videos at Dr Dick’s How To Video Library.

I always suggest that couples read erotica aloud to each other. That never fails to get one’s motor purring.

I’d also love to talk with you about the taboo of sex, particularly with the parenting set, and how parents, moms, and dads, can work to break stereotypes without feeling like a sexual “deviant.”

Really? What would be so wrong about being a deviant?

Good luck

April 6, 2015

Selfish So ‘n So

Name: Andrew
Gender: Male
Age: 34
Location: Texas
I’m selfish. I don’t feel like having sex with anyone, not even my boyfriend. I can masturbate all I want and get off just fine but I prefer to do it alone. My boyfriend is frustrated and wants me to go to therapy, but I’m extremely uncomfortable with the idea. I’ve had selfish times like this before, but this one has been the longest (almost 2 years). Usually they’d last a few months at most and seem to have happened independent of whether I’m doing great or depressed. I’m also fairly certain that this isn’t to do with my current relationship. The reason is that past selfish times have happened whether or not I’ve been seeing someone. When I get this way, even guys who are perfectly my type (like my boyfriend) can try all they want to get into my pants (literally and figuratively) and will not be successful. When I’m like this I notice that I barely think about sex unless a dirty picture, movie or text is in front of me, and I’m only trying to get away when a hot guy is trying to get in my pants. I’m usually good at finding out what’s going on in my head, then solving an issue but this one has me stumped.

So you’re tellin’ me you’ve been withholding sex from your long-suffering BF for nearly 2 years? That’s not being selfish, my friend; that’s torture. Your refusal to see a therapist about this, because you are “extremely uncomfortable with the idea,” also tells me that your issues are deep seeded and you’d rather keep these things hidden and stifle your relationship then get them out in the open and resolved.

I’m sorry, Andrew, but I have virtually no patience for folks like you. If you were single and you wanted to live your life like this; that would be fine. But you’ve involved your sexually messed up self with another human who has needs that are just as important as yours. And that, sir, ain’t right.

I have one real simple premise that I live by. And it is, each of us has a right to a happy, healthy, integrated sex life. If there is something that is getting in the way of achieving that, whatever it might be, it is a problem that needs to be addressed immediately.

As far as relationships go, I am of the mind that we ought, first and foremost, work to honor our commitments of mutual support. Are there ways that these two moral principles — a right to a healthy sex life and one’s relationship commitments — can coexist when one’s relationship excludes the possibility of happy sexual expression? Yes, I believe there are. And many couples achieve that balance, because they have an overriding love and concern for one anther.

Now the facts — not all loving relationship, including many marriages, have a sexual component. Many, for one reason or another, simply don’t. In fact, most long-term relationships are not sexual in nature. However, a partner in loving relationship who is unable to provide sexual satisfaction to his/her partner should give that partner permission to find sexual fulfillment outside the relationship. I hasten to add that these are often very difficult negotiations to hammer out. But to do less than try to make these accommodations is, I believe, a form of sexual abuse.

If your partner is trying to negotiate a satisfactory solution to your problem and you are opposed to even discussing the issue or seeking the professional help you desperately need you will destroy a perfectly good and viable relationship. And that is unconscionable in my book.

I am not suggesting that you deny your sexual issues just to appease or pacify your partner. Nor do I condone simply letting your selfishness become the path of the least resistance. These options will only create a divide between you and your partner that will not be able to be bridged.

If you ever hope to escape the corner you’ve painted yourself into, you’ll have to buck up and be honest with your partner and commit to getting the help you need.

Good Luck

March 13, 2015