Tag: sex and relationship advice

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What Is Cuckolding in Kink?

— Your everything-to-know guide to, well, sleeping with another guy in front of your husband. (But, look, there’s more to it than that, okay?)

by Gigi Engle

Do me a favor and picture this: You’re in a cage on your bedroom floor. Your (super sexy) partner is wearing the most kickass thigh-high leather boots. She’s on the bed. With another man. Having the time of her life. You are LOVING it.

Does the idea of watching someone get it on with your partner in front of you get you so horned up you feel like you’re about to explode? Or maybe the roles are reversed—maybe you’re the impossibly hot one in the thigh-highs (although sexy footwear is optional) totally getting off on the power trip of hooking up with someone else in front of your adoring partner. Either way, it’s time to talk about cuckolding, my friends.

Back in the day—we’re talking way back, like, Shakespeare times—cuckold was an old-school term referring to a man whose wife had sex with other men without his knowledge, making him look like a fool. The word gets its name from the cuckoo bird, known for its tricky habit of laying its eggs in the nests of other birds. “The cuckoo’s chicks consume the resources of the other birds and deprive that other birds’ chick of food,” explains psychologist David Ley, PhD, author of Insatiable Wives. “Naturalists believed this was what potentially happened when a wife cheated on her husband—the cuckolded husband would then end up investing his resources in the caring of children not genetically related to him.” Men portrayed as cuckolds are found throughout folklore and literature, particularly in the work of the aforementioned Mr. Shakespeare, the perennial pervy playwright.

While these early depictions have clear negative implications—and while the term “cuck” is still used as a slur in some (rather controversial) circles today—modern “cuckolding” as a consensual sex practice in the kink and ethically non-monogamous communities is all in good kinky fun. Basically, consensual cuckolding is when a man’s wife has sex with another man—usually in front of him—and everyone involved is 100 percent on board with it. (It’s worth noting that while the husband/wife dynamic is traditional to this practice, folks of all genders and relationship styles can partake of this kink—more on that later!) Instead of one partner (traditionally the wife or female one, but not always) engaging in secret, non-consensual infidelity, a modern cuckolding scenario involves the full support and encouragement of an equally excited partner who’s actively into the idea of their person being sexual with others, Ley says. You simply love to see it.

Feeling intrigued? Horny? Confused? Don’t you worry. From the basics of cuckolding scenes, to why it gets people so hot and bothered, to how you can try it for yourself (if you dare!), we’ve got everything you’ve ever wanted to know about cuckolding right here.

Okay, So What Is Cuckolding?

In its most basic form, cuckolding is when a man watches his wife have sex with another man, often in front of him. “One could think of cuckolding as fetishized infidelity or adultery,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM. While cuckolding may seem like it would be strictly heteronormative given its roots, it can take place in any relationship dynamic, with people of any gender.

The three main roles in a cuckolding scenario are as follows:

  • The Wife/Hotwife: The (usually) female partner who has sex with the other man/person. The “wife” is sometimes referred to as the “Hotwife” in certain contexts and scenarios.
  • The Bull: The outside person (usually a cis-man) who has sex with the wife/hotwife.
  • The Cuck: The man/person who watches his partner have sex with the bull.

Crucially: Everyone involved in a cuckolding scene is a consenting adult. Scenes are highly negotiated and everyone involved is completely into it. Which brings us to…

Why Are People Into Cuckolding?

Kinksters who are horny for this tres risqué kind of play may be into cuckolding for a whole (very) hot mess of reasons. What can we say? Human sexuality is a complex and wonderful thing. Here are some of the main aspects of cuck play that may be appealing to those who practice it.

1. Power Dynamics

The core of kink play lies in the Dom/sub dynamic and the power play that comes with it. When we’re talking about cuckolding, the cuck is often submitting to the hotwife and/or bull.

2. Humiliation Play

his kind of play often involves an element of intentional humiliation in the form of verbal insults or degradation from the bull and/or wife. “The cuckold, or ‘cuck,’ is verbally belittled by the bull and made to seem inferior and ‘beta,’” explains Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory. “A bull may talk about how much bigger his dick is or how much better at sex he is than the ‘pathetic’ husband.” It’s all about creating the fantasy that the bull is a much better lover than the cuck, for the cuck’s enjoyment.

3. Partner Sharing

While these scenes often tap into an element of humiliation or submission, these aspects aren’t always inherent to cuckolding. Sometimes the cuck simply enjoys “sharing his wife’s extraordinary sexuality with other men,” says Ley. “These relationships are sometimes called hotwifing, or stag/vixen relationships.” This is where the ‘wife’ role turns into the ‘hotwife’ role. Rather than getting off on being humiliated by his wife or submitting to another man, the cuck is like: Look how HOT my wife is! You should definitely bang her! Get it?

4. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

“You’re essentially getting a live show! You get to watch someone having sex, which is just hot,” Zane says. A cuck with a voyeuristic streak may enjoy watching his partner sexually engage with another person, and their exhibitionist partner may enjoy being watched in the act.

5. Bondage and Fetish Play

The cuck may be placed inside of a cage, tied up, or made to wear various fetish gear (such as a cock/chastity cage or latex clothing), depending on the scene. The bull and wife may also wear fetish gear as a part of the scene.

6. Sexual Novelty

For the “wife,” it can be exciting to have sex with someone new. Ley says this can be especially true for women with high libidos, who may enjoy having varied sexual encounters.

Plus, you’re literally the star of the show. “The hotwife [feels] desired by both the bull and the cuck. It’s fun being the center of attention,” Zane adds.

Cuckolding vs. an Open Relationship: What’s the Difference?

Open relationships are simply when all parties are able to have sex with people outside of their primary relationship. Zane says that cuckolding is a specific kink that may (and can only) occur within the context of an open relationship, as it involves getting busy with people outside of a committed partnership. The main difference is that while partners in a consensually non-monogamous relationship may sleep with folks outside of that relationship, for those who practice cuckolding, one partner sleeping with someone else is an act of kink play in and of itself—one that actively involves all three parties. Ley adds that cuckolding often focuses more on the sexual activity of the wife, rather than the cuck. The cuck is often monogamous to the wife—or sometimes bisexual, engaging in sexual activity with the men who sleep with his wife.

Criss says that cuckolding scenes are less like consensual non-monogamy and instead are more in-line with CNC (consensual non-consent), in that the power dynamics of this kind of play are intended to mimic non-consensual infidelity. Essentially, the scene is made to look like the man doesn’t want his wife to have sex with someone else, but in reality, he totally does.

“In this case, the cuckold (husband) is excited about his hotwife (wife) having sexual encounters with another partner outside of the traditional marriage commitment,” Criss says. “Consensual non-consent may be involved in terms of the hotwife’s selection of partner, timing, or place.”

5 Ways to Try Cuckolding (If This Is Something That Gets You Going)

1. Do Your Research

First, learn literally everything you can about cuckolding before trying it. Ley suggests reading his book, Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and The Men Who Love Them, with your partner. This book deeply explores the ins and outs of cuckolding and open relationships. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to dive into this kind of play.

2. Start With Fantasy

Starting slow is a must, must, must! Jumping into a cuckolding scenario without proper planning is a recipe for disaster.

Instead, try manifesting the scene in your head and/or dirty-talking about it with your partner. This will give you a chance to try on the fantasy in a safe and contained way. You can watch some cuckolding-style porn, read erotica, or even role play. Zane suggests trying the following: Have the hotwife talk about past sexual experiences she’s had with a dominant man. The hotwife can humiliate the cuck by talking about how pathetic he is and how she wishes she was having sex with a more dominant and virile man.

3. Set Expectations and Boundaries

Before you try a cuck scene, everything needs to be thoroughly discussed in detail. You need to think about what sexual acts are on the table, how you want the scene to play out, and what kind of language is acceptable. Criss says that when it comes to scenes with humiliation, you have to be really mindful and intentional of boundaries. Awareness is key. When it comes to doing these scenes in real life, Zane says that “there should be no surprises.” Stick to the script, folks.

4. Have a Safe Word

A safe word is your golden ticket in kink scenes. You may think a cuck scene is going to be the hottest thing in the entire world and then once it happens, it might turn out to be not at all what you pictured.

“We can’t predict how sexual experiences are going to make us feel, no matter how hard we may try,” Zane says. “That’s why you can stop the scene at any point using the safe word.”

While it may feel awkward to pull a boundary mid-scene, it is SO important to speak up if you’re not feeling comfortable. “If someone does use the safe word, you don’t need to explain yourself,” Zane tells us. “You can just say that you’re really not enjoying the scene the way you had hoped.”

’Nough said.

5. Be Respectful of Everyone Involved

Just like in any group sex situation, the feelings, boundaries, and needs of every single person in the scene should be taken into consideration.

And this is not just for the primary couple. This respect also needs to be extended to the bull, too. Criss says that even if this is a one-time experience, the third party is still a human being and they need to be treated as such. Everyone deserves to have the scene happen in a way that feels sexy, safe, and authentic for them.

When done with intention and care, a cuckolding scene can be very spicy and enjoyable for one and all. Remember: Don’t yuck anyone else’s yum. Everyone deserves to have the amazing, creative, and wild sexual experiences they desire—without judgment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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She Wrote a Best Seller on Women’s Sex Lives.

— Then Her Own Fell Apart.

The sex educator Emily Nagoski’s new book on maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships began at home.

By Catherine Pearson

A decade ago, as the sex educator Emily Nagoski was researching and writing her first book, “Come as You Are” — a soon-to-be best seller exploring the science of women’s sexuality — she and her husband stopped having sex.

Nagoski began appearing everywhere, reassuring women that their sexuality was not a problem that needed to be solved or treated. She talked to the author Glennon Doyle and her wife, the soccer player Abby Wambach, about body image and shame on their podcast. She published a workbook to help women better understand their sexual temperament and sexual cues. Her TED Talks have been viewed millions of times.

But at home, she and her husband, Rich Stevens — a cartoonist whom she met on the dating site OkCupid in 2011 — were cycling in and out of monthslong sexual dry spells stemming from work stress and health problems. When I spoke to Nagoski at her cozy house in Easthampton, Mass., in the fall, and then again over the phone in January, she declined to offer specifics on just how long their droughts lasted. (She did not want people to compare themselves.) But she did not hold back about how they made her feel.

“Stressed. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Self-critical,” Nagoski, 46, said. “Like, how can I be an ‘expert’ — and I say that with heavy, heavy air quotes — and still be struggling in this way?”

After all, Nagoski had written the book on women and desire. She popularized the metaphor of the sexual response system as a car with an accelerator (that notices erotic stimuli) and brakes (that notice all of the reasons not to have sex. Like chores. Or a new baby. Or, just, patriarchy). When women struggle with arousal and pleasure, she explained in “Come as You Are,” it isn’t because the accelerator isn’t being stimulated; it’s usually because the brakes are being pushed too hard. Her talent was not for producing original research — this dual control model of sexual response, for instance, is not her idea — but she had a knack for sifting through the science to uncover what she believed to be most relevant to women’s day-to-day lives, and finding simple ways to describe it.

“She often reminds people that they are whole, they are not broken,” said Debby Herbenick, the director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health, who went to graduate school with Nagoski.

However, Nagoski’s own fractured sex life left her full of self-doubt.

“I did my best to do what I tell other people to do, which is to turn toward what was happening with kindness and compassion,” she said, recognizing how cloying that advice can sound. “I tried to give myself permission to allow these things to be true. To recognize they would not always be true. And that I would move through this spell with more ease if I did not beat myself up.”

Like a true self-proclaimed “sex nerd,” Nagoski also dug into the science of what great sex looks like in a long-term relationship and how to cope when problems arise, which became the backbone of her new book, “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections,” out later this month. At nearly 300 pages, with two appendices and 22 pages of notes and scientific references, it’s the product of an academic who loves data. But Nagoski, who earned a doctorate in health behavior and a master’s degree in counseling from Indiana University, is happy to give up what she thinks are the three secrets of partners with happy sex lives in the book’s introduction: 1. They are friends. 2. They prioritize sex. 3. They ignore outside opinions about what sex should look like and do what works for them.

“When I got done,” she said, “I had this whole book’s worth of advice we used to fight our way back to each other.”

Emily Nagoski sits on a yellow sofa in flower pajamas. Her husband and dog sit on a blue rug next to her.
The sex educator Emily Nagoski and her husband, Rich Stevens, established new rules to help their sex life flourish. One of them: Keep the dogs out of the bedroom during intimate moments.

‘Pleasure is the measure’

Nagoski believes that most people are hung up on the wrong metrics when it comes to sex. It isn’t about novelty or orgasms, nor is it about frequency. “People always want to know: How often does a typical couple have sex?” she said, sitting on her living room couch next to Stevens, 47, while one of their two rescue dogs, Thunder, napped between them. “Which is not a question that I answer, because it’s impossible to hear a number and not compare yourself to it.” (Also, she added, people seldom talk about the quality of said sex.)

Most of us are too fixated on libido — or on wanting to want to have sex — she said, which has caused a lot of unnecessary stress and insecurity. “Desire is the No. 1 reason people of all gender combinations seek sex therapy,” she said. “Even I need to be reminded that it’s not about desire. It’s about pleasure.”

It’s a somewhat surprising take from someone who has spent a lot of the past decade helping women better understand how desire actually works, banging the drum about the difference between spontaneous desire (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive desire (which arises in response to erotic stimuli). In other words, there’s nothing unsexy about planning or scheduling sex.

Nagoski has been a sex educator since the mid-90s. She worked for eight years as the director of wellness education at Smith College, before making the switch to writing and speaking full time in 2016. She has also built a brand that now includes a podcast, a newsletter with more than 30,000 subscribers and a growing social media presence, where she sometimes posts with a look-alike puppet named Nagoggles.

Much of what Nagoski preaches, she said, is a transformation of how most of us have been taught sex is supposed to work — that it is always pleasurable and easy.

“Pleasure only happens under really specific circumstances, and the 21st-century, postindustrial world doesn’t naturally create those circumstances very often,” she said. “We are all overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed. Like, of course you have to put effort into transitioning out of your everyday state of mind into a sexy state of mind.”

But in “Come Together,” Nagoski is arguing that desire is almost beside the point. “Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not about how much you want sex,” she writes, “it’s about how much you like the sex you’re having.”

Put more succinctly: “Pleasure is the measure.”

This concept may seem obvious to some, and Nagoski isn’t saying anything sex researchers don’t know. But Rosalyn Dischiavo, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, who described Nagoski as both “delightfully geeky” and a “rock star” in the field, called it a “radical truth.”

“As sex educators, one of the most beautiful parts of our job — and one of the most frustrating parts of our job — is to ring that bell over and over and over again to wake people up and say, ‘Pleasure is good,’” she said. “‘Pleasure is healing.’”

A crop of half of Emily Nagoski's face, smiling, next to an image of her puppet who is also smiling.
Nagoski sometimes posts on social media using a look-alike puppet, Nagoggles

Taking her own advice

Nagoski knows that telling couples to “just access pleasure together” is easier said than done. For most people, herself included, a long list of things can hit their sexual brakes. In the past several years, she has dealt with perimenopause, a back injury, and then long Covid, which has caused severe vascular problems. For months, Nagoski could barely walk to her mailbox. And she is still healing.

In 2021, Nagoski was diagnosed with autism, after her therapist noted she was unusually relieved not to have to see or talk to others during the height of the pandemic. Around that time, she watched the Pixar short “Loop,” in which two teens, one of whom has autism and is nonverbal, learn to communicate on a canoe ride. “It’s just this six-minute, animated thing,” she said, as she teared up. Watching it, she realized, “I’m autistic.”

The diagnosis, Nagoski said, was an “enormous relief.” People on the autism spectrum are sometimes blunt and unfiltered, and the diagnosis helped to explain why she might be so good at what she does. “I think one of the reasons talking about sex is so easy for me is that I have not absorbed the same ‘shoulds’ in the same way,” she said.

“Come Together” is the first time Nagoski has publicly opened up about her sex life, a decision she initially felt ambivalent about. “Before I wrote the book, I wondered if revealing, like, ‘I, too, have struggled with desire in a long-term relationship’ would undercut my expertise.”

When asked what she and her partner did to move through their dry spells, Nagoski distilled it to this: First, she spent a lot of time talking to her therapist (whom she has seen for years) about how to speak to her husband about their issues in a way that felt loving and not accusatory. Next, before they tried initiating anything physical, the couple spent a lot of time talking about sex. Nagoski realized it was important to let Stevens be silly about their situation, she said. (Their inside jokes about his genitals can’t be repeated here.) It brought some levity to their conversations and helped them to realize how important playfulness is to their dynamic in the bedroom.

Last, she asked her husband to be more affectionate with her outside of sexual situations. Their sex life is hardly perfect now, though if she were not recovering from long Covid, Nagoski said, she would describe it as better than it has ever been.

They made small changes, too. The couple began closing the bedroom door so their dogs — who “want to be up on the bed with us,” Nagoski said — couldn’t interrupt sex. They also moved any intimate supplies they needed closer to the bed. The two were trying to eliminate every possible barrier and inconvenience.

But there are risks, Nagoski acknowledged, when couples start having conversations about what is not working in their sex lives. “None of us want to hurt our partner’s feelings,” she said. If a couple cannot navigate those talks on their own, or even bring themselves to start them, then, “yeah, therapy,” she said.

“It’s hard work,” she said of keeping sex going in a long-term relationship. “And you have to care. It isn’t necessary for survival. It’s not even necessary to have a spectacular life. I don’t require anyone on Earth to make any kind of change to their sex life if they don’t want to.”

But Nagoski said for her, “it’s a priority.” The couple now sees sex as a “project” they work on together, making time for it in their calendar.

“We talk about it more than we talk about what we’re going to have for dinner. I alter my schedule so that I don’t have anything that’s going to wipe me out so much that on our calendar day, I’m not going to have any energy left,” Nagoski said. She tries to give herself grace when it does not happen, like when she recently canceled a scheduled sex date because of a migraine.

“What matters,” she said, “is that you’re cocreating a context that makes it easy to access pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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24 Ways to Have Better Sex in 2024

— Observe a sexual opposite day. Pretend someone is filming you. Use a lot more lube.

By Amy Rose Spiegel

It’s somehow already the middle of January, when we’re all totally exhausted by the premise that we need to eat, exercise, clean, or otherwise behave more virtuously all goddamn year long. As you think about what you want for the months ahead, keep in mind: Spending an hour decluttering your closet might make you feel good—but so would having an orgasm.

Maybe you’re ready to reassess your sex life, but you’re not sure where to start. I get it—lots can happen to snarl up your feelings around boning. It’s easy to become complacent about—or, worse, resigned to—the sex you’re accustomed to having (or not), or how you get off by yourself. If things are great, or you’re just pretty sure you know what your whole sexual deal is, that’s also an excellent foundation for recommitting to more raunchy, transformative, and romantic sex.

Maintain a spirit of openness and you can’t lose. If you try something new and it doesn’t suit or thrill you? That’s also good information about getting closer to sex that does. Here are 24 low-stakes, high-reward ideas about how to have a filthy, sweet, and incontrovertibly hot year.

1. Write down the details of exceptional hookups right after you have them.

Even if you swear you’ll remember every iota of a perfect encounter, stuff slips away—unless you jot it down. I just referred to the notes I took after a particularly world-redefining fuck, and it reminded me what he smelled like, how we touched for the first time before touching everywhere (my feet were tucked under his legs, and he rested a hand on my thigh), and precisely how he *** my **** while he ****** *** ****. Give your future self a gift that you can touch yourself to. Rereading these back is also a mollifying reminder of what’s possible when things aren’t quite as electric.

2. Think through a sexual Year in Review.

You can also expand on the above concept to broadly take stock of what you want more of—and way less of. Look back at 2023: What was outstanding—figuring out that you’re most into morning sex; buying a harness that fits you well; hooking up with a best friend and staying best friends? What was boring or unpleasant—getting felt up at a drive-in theater (good in theory, but you just nervously looked over your shoulder the whole time); feeling chafed in a garter belt; learning the hard way that the whole morning sex thing is only true if all parties brush their teeth first? Write that down, too, and use it to guide your future hookups.

3. Wear underwear that makes you feel like gold.

Replace anything with holes in it or that’s otherwise exhausted. Don’t settle for serviceable-enough briefs that only kinda affirm your gender. Get matching lingerie sets on sale! If you’ve been waiting around for someone to come along and forcibly teach you your correct bra size: It was only ever going to be you, and it’s time. Explore what’s unusual to you, like thigh-high stockings, a binder, or a lace teddy (and remember that fragrance can be an underthing too). Whether or not anyone else sees what’s under your sweater, you’ll know, and you’ll carry yourself a little differently.

4. Reevaluate your lube situation—and use it for more than just penetration.

If you’re familiar with lube insofar as it comes pre-applied on condoms, or you reach for a bottle only to cram things into holes: Your life is about to know new meaning. Lube can help clits feel less pinchingly sensitive when they’re touched for a long time, quickly, or intensely. On penises, wetter is often better, especially when you’re jerking off (or jerking someone else off). There are three main kinds of lube: oil-, water-, and silicone-based. Start with a water-based one—they can be used with silicone toys and prophylactics and are least likely to interact weirdly with your body or strap-on. (I like Überlube and straight-up Astroglide.) Use a LOT of it next time you masturbate or touch someone else. Reapply every few minutes, since lube absorbs into skin and water-based ones can feel sticky as the moisture in them evaporates. Keep a hand towel by the bed. Come so hard.

5. Trim and clean your nails, no matter what you’re doing with your hands.

This isn’t just a concern for fingering vaginas—and nor was it ever! Please, let’s right this grievous wrong. If you’re touching someone else’s body anywhere, don’t do it with gunk in your cuticles or a ragged fingernail. If you’re femme and allergic to even the thought of forgoing a complicated manicure, scrub under your nails religiously before you put them on or in someone, and be so careful and gentle when you do. Wear latex gloves if you’re putting your acrylics or beautiful natural nails (lucky—can’t relate) into someone’s ass. The tissue inside the anus is delicate and prone to tiny tears, so it’s not the best environment in which to poke your glamorous talons around.

6. Build a stockpile of hot nudes or lewds.

Sending racy photos while maintaining the rhythm of a conversation doesn’t have to mean ducking into a work bathroom stall, rushing off the couch to strip out of your mom’s old Phish T-shirt, or whatever other last-minute adjustment you’d otherwise need to make. Whenever you’re having a particularly good hair or ass day, take commemorative photos, then put them in a private folder for future use. Yeah, keep that Phish shirt on, baby—that’s what I like (your sustained comfort as you turn someone on).

7. Flirt elegantly.

It’s 2024, we’re grown, and we can choose to be sophisticated—even with long-term partners who have seen us throw up a milkshake. Behave like a heartthrob seducing someone in a movie. Text or call just to say you’re thinking about someone. Give them little gifts (they don’t have to be expensive—a perfect piece of fruit or a sleek pen from the bookstore will do). Be ever so slightly suggestive outside of strictly sexual contexts (a good level is mentioning when you’re thinking about making out with them). This works wonders for building anticipation around sex, creating an overall mood where sex is present in your lives together, and ultimately contributing to a closer connection when you do finally get around to fucking.

8. Do lite role-play with clothes you already own.

Got a leotard, bodysuit, or pair of gym shorts? Great, you’re exercising and your partner is a personal trainer expertly adjusting your form. Put on a plaid skirt or blazer, because class is in session and you’re desperate to make the grade…! Wear a suit—you’re the boss. You don’t have to go full Method within these roles, unless you’re into that. Just say, “If you were my X and I were your Y, what would you do to me?” You can even skip the acting piece of this altogether by dressing up in an outfit you wear very rarely—a ball gown, a low-cut jumpsuit—and letting the other person’s imagination do the work for you.

9. Loosen up.

Stop fixating on how your stomach looks when the overhead light is on (who invented this? I’d love a word). Feel free to stumble—who among us hasn’t said something like, “I need you to suck your dick…uh, my dick” in the moment? When you’re nervous or something funny happens: Joke, talk, laugh, nibble, and goofily bury your head in someone’s shoulder. This often helps sex feel even more connective, permissive, and judgment-free. Be judicious about how often you’re yukking it up, though, and always observe whether it’s just you doing it—you don’t want your partner to think you’re laughing at them, especially if you’re in the middle of anything un-vanilla or new.

10. Ask your partner to touch you all over while you’re boning.

Get a massage while you’re getting laid, and have the person giving it to you cover as many areas of your body as they can/you’re down with, at varying levels of pressure. The idea is to feel everything as precisely but universally as possible, whether your partner is trailing their fingernails down your forearm or pressing their knuckles desperately into your shoulder blades with you on top. It’s extremely dreamy to have sex that happens to you in many places at once.

11. Don’t rush.

Make out slowly without lunging right for other parts of someone’s body. Don’t default to what you know makes you, or your partner, come really fast. Try edging or taking breaks from the action to delay orgasms and draw things waaaaaay out. Go legato: Relish each feeling—their fingertips on the back of your neck, the very first few seconds of penetration, or the pressure they’re using as they kiss you—as it unfolds. In “wellness culture” this is called mindfulness, but I just call it being good in bed.

12. A secret of oral sex: How it looks contributes massively to how it feels.

Tell your partner what would be especially hot to watch while they’re going down on you, and find out the same about them. Some general ideas for you: Kiss and lick, and as you do, look up into their eyes either very softly or very hard. Take their hand while you use your other one somewhere else that feels good for them. Angle yourself so they can see plenty of your smoking-ass physique. Pretend someone is filming you. If it feels performative? Great, that’s a sign you’re nailing this.

13. Find your personal definition of “incredible anal sex.”

If you’re not down or able to have full-on penetrative anal (though: never say never!), delve into rimjobs or other strategies for making your ass feel incredible from the outside. If you’re more like, “Look, I’ve been getting fisted, sister,” maybe your next course of action involves anal beads or a new butt plug. Always use toys with flared bases if you’re planning on inserting them—your sphincter has powerful suction mechanisms, and you don’t want your new year of vibrantly experimental sex sullied by a dildo stuck inside you.

14. Experiment with prostate stimulation.

Prostates (or P-spots), for people with penises, can take some effort to find, but putting that work in can yield pleasure in the extreme. To find your or your partner’s prostate, make a come-hither motion with your index finger inside the anus, towards the stomach, or use a toy designed to reach it. Pair prostate exploration with handjobs or blowjobs to make it feel particularly blissful.

15. Observe a sexual opposite day.

You can do this alone or trade assignments with a partner—the idea is to break free of what you think “you’re like” and try something entirely new. If you’re a super-dominant megafox, let someone else lead. If you’re a goofball, be intense, filthy, and direct. The obvious, time-tested convention here instructs bottoms to top, and vice vers-a. Even if a given role isn’t ultimately one you want to step into again, it’s nice to know that firsthand: You’ll understand your taste better and see how something feels for partners who do like whatever you’re playing at. You can call on all that intel in the future.

16. If your partner is driving you wild, make that extremely clear.

Most people love overt recognition of what’s so magnetic and sexy about them. Don’t be coy about it—go full Pepé Le Pew. You can say stuff like, “I love how soft your skin is,” or, “You know exactly how to touch me,” or, “I think about your [perfect body part or especially expert technique] when I masturbate,” or simply, “I could kiss you/look at you/fuck you all night.” Life’s short: Be unerringly passionate, a too-rare quality that you’ll likely be rewarded for. (I also just never feel more confident than when I decide to be deliberate and bold about my feelings.)

17. Demonstrate how you get off.

If you’re together, have them watch you touch yourself or use a toy; then, if you want, teach them by way of example—apply the concept “show, don’t tell” to your masturbation techniques. If you’re apart, make a voice note explaining what you’re doing and how it makes you feel, or, if you trust the recipient and are down to try it, record a video. (If you’re on the fence, just do it in person or talk through it on the phone—this shouldn’t feel stressful.) Each option is foxy—yet educational!—in its own right.

18. Clean your sex toys after each use.

Okay, I know we forswore boring cleaning talk and housekeeping mandates in favor of sin-sational xxx-ploration, but you must use clean sex toys. If you groan at the idea of fully disinfecting your vibrator after each and every time it comes into play, I get that, but it’s a small price to pay for not getting a yeast infection because you were both horny and lazy. Here’s a guide to cleaning whatever kind of sex toy you’re using. And definitely refresh your toys between partners and holes. Other situations that non-negotiably call for sterilized accessories: Using the same toy on more than one partner and using the same one on multiple orifices, even with the same person. Body-safe toy-cleaning wipes can be a godsend for cleaning on the fly in the heat of the moment. Keep the contents of your nightstand pristine so you can do every filthy thing on your mind with gusto.

19. If you’ve fantasized about having threesomes or more-somes, look into making it happen.

If you’re with someone monogamously, talk to them about your fantasies outside of a sexual context, when you’re both feeling relaxed. See how your partner feels about opening things up without expectation or judgment, and if they’re also into the idea, ask how that might unfold in a way they felt secure in and turned on by. You don’t need to be in a relationship to enjoy the splendors of group sex—there are plenty of people looking for thirds or additional partners. If you decide to go for it, you can browse a threesome-centric app like Feeld to get a sense of who’s out there and, if you’re intrigued, say hey.

20. Work with your body as it is, not as it “should” be.

It’s so much harder to feel great in bed if you don’t feel physically comfortable to begin with. Does sitting on someone’s face hurt your knees? Lie on your back—or sit on your dresser and have them kneel in front of you! Do you have recurrent UTIs that you’re just hoping will dissipate without intervention? Talk to a doctor about it—you don’t have to live this way! Is menopause making your vagina dry and irritated? Get to moisturizing! Put a pillow under your knees or neck to alleviate pain and pressure on your joints. Look into a prescription for ED medication. Whatever your body is trying to tell you, listen.

21. Be proactive about safer sex.

STI rates have been rising recently, so you owe it to yourself and anyone you’re fucking to get tested regularly. If you’re having sex with one monogamous, long-term partner, get a basic screening once a year. If you’re having sex with new or a few people, even if you’re using barrier methods like condoms, go annually at minimum, and ideally more like every three to six months. If you do have an STI, ask a doctor to help you think through effective safer sex tactics, and be ready to start candid, informed conversations about those options before you bone a newcomer. Keep a cool head about all of this: Most STIs can be treated! Some can even be cured. None will ruin your sex life forever unless you decide it should.

22. Pick atmospheric music in advance.

It’s annoying to pause a hookup because your playlist suddenly veered into songs that are too brash, techno-y, bubbly, or sad. (Or all of those at once: I don’t want to hook up to a Lady Gaga album outside of a gay bar EVER again. This should never happen in the home.) Have your sonic ducks in a row, whether that means making a sex playlist or having a few albums ready to go. Just don’t get lube on your records as you flip sides. (If you’re looking for ideas: This doesn’t have to only be Prince, although many would argue it should be—especially the deluxe Purple Rain with all those heartfelt demos. Or cue up romantic ambient-ish albums and piano solos.)

23. Visit a sex toy store, even just to browse.

Either by yourself or with a partner, stop by your local sex store to see whether anything piques your interest. Ideally, look for places that state outright on their websites or signage that they’re inclusive and sex-positive, particularly if you want to ask the staff questions. If you don’t live near a physical store, there are endless options online—I like Babeland and Lovehoney. Maybe you’ll buy something, or not—but you will very likely leave brimming with lurid new ideas.

24. Go ahead with any new-to-you venture when you’re actually ready.

Though I wish it were otherwise the case, you won’t always feel up for prioritizing freewheeling yet sensuous expressions of sexual innovation and liberty. Sometimes you’ll be sick, or feel terrible about yourself, or go through an unmooring life change, and you’ll be a little uncertain about your sexual place in the world. You don’t have to force yourself to pull off your grand sexual aspirations unless you’re actually going to enjoy them. It’s okay to go through fallow periods, and to wait them out with acceptance and self-understanding. After all, thoughtful patience is also the main force behind having multiple orgasms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Struggling With Sex After 50?

— Expert Tips To Build Intimacy At Any Age

By Juliana Hauser, PhD

We are often taught there is a “right” and “wrong” way to experience and explore sexuality. That’s a total myth.

As a sex and relationship counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the value of expanding our view of sexuality to include topics such as body compassion, clear communication, and sexual well-being. Doing so shows us the wide range of possibilities to explore for a vibrant life, sexually and beyond.

Here are a few tips for enhancing sexual connections using the principles of “holistic sexuality,” no matter your age:

1 Experiment with self-pleasure of all kinds

Too often, we’re told that “successful” sex results in orgasm, placing orgasms as the reason for sex outside of procreation. We put so much pressure on achieving or giving an orgasm that we lose sight of the true pursuit—pleasure!

Orgasms are wonderful, but there are so many deliciously pleasurable ways to sexually connect with yourself and others.

To think beyond intercourse, consider what in your daily life brings you pleasure: the first sip of coffee, your favorite song. Bring your senses into focus and dive into the sensuality of each moment. This practice can quickly enliven your sexual pleasure as you begin to connect with what lights you up throughout the day.

2 Build your sexual tool kit

A survey conducted by Harris Poll in October 2023 found that more than half of women 50+ (52%) have a sexual toolbox to support their sexual experiences. Once you have a self-pleasure practice in tune with what you like and want, sex toys and products can enhance your sexual well-being.

For example, you can expand your potential for pleasure by using a vaginal moisturizer if you’re experiencing any pain or discomfort during sex. Two of my favorite products from Kindra (a menopause and intimacy company that I partner with) are the Daily Vaginal Lotion and V Relief Serum—both are gentle enough for everyday use and incredibly supportive of pleasure.

Preferences change over time, and it may also be time to incorporate some new tools into your routine. Remember to give yourself permission to try things that may end up being a no for you, and keep an open mind to an expanded view of pleasure.

3 Prioritize connection

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for a deeper understanding of yourself and your pleasure, bring your knowledge to your partnership!

There are many reasons why sexual connection becomes deprioritized once we hit midlife, and they vary from couple to couple. As we grow with our relationships, it’s vital to nourish connection and intimacy. And you don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy or physical connection to do so at first.

A great way to kick-start connection with a partner (or solo) is by completing the Four Quadrant Exercise. Here’s how it’s done:

  • Come to this exercise with vulnerability, patience, curiosity, and an open mind.
  • Divide a paper into four quadrants, one for each prompt: what you have done that you like sexually, what you haven’t done that you want to try sexually, what you have done that you don’t want to do again sexually, and what you haven’t done that you don’t want to try sexually.
  • Write down everything you can think of (feel free to browse for new ideas, too!).
  • If you are doing this exercise with your partner, after you’ve both explored, see what your commonalities and differences are, and use them as a springboard for connection.

4 Seek out support as needed

Even when we incorporate new practices into our daily routines and try new products, sometimes we still need some outside support. Working with a sex counselor or therapist can help you work on your personal goals across all areas of life—relationally, sexually, and beyond.

If you have discomfort during sex, you might explore seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, an OB/GYN, or another health professional to better understand what is going on for you. It’s incredibly important that you know the best practices for taking care of your sexual well-being, and it’s never too late. You deserve pain-free sexuality at all stages of life.

The takeaway

You have a right to the kind of sexual life you want to have. Improving your sexual life means learning what you want and need, what tools and resources are supportive, and connecting daily to what brings pleasure, joy, and connection—to yourself first and foremost and then to your partner and others around you.

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The 3 Types Of Sexual Passion

By Mark Travers

Sexual passion refers to the sexual desire individuals experience either independently or with a partner. It encompasses the intense emotional and physical attraction, excitement and arousal partners often feel towards each other in romantic or sexual relationships.

Sexual passion can vary in intensity and importance for different individuals and relationships. In relationships where mutual sexual desire holds significant importance, one’s “sexual passion style” has a vital influence on the well-being of the relationship.

A 2019 study suggests that there are three types of sexual passion that affect individuals and relationship outcomes in distinct ways. Here they are, along with their unique consequences for relationships.

1. Obsessive Sexual Passion

Obsessive sexual passion represents an intense preoccupation with sexual thoughts and desires, potentially to the detriment of other aspects of a relationship. Individuals with this style may prioritize sexual attraction and fulfillment over emotional connection, which can lead to relationship conflicts or dissatisfaction.

Here, an individual’s behaviors and sexual motivations feel externally controlled rather than driven by internal values, desires or autonomy. Often, the sexual norms or scripts they follow are shaped by environmental influences rather than authentic personal preferences. Such individuals may feel controlled by their sexual passion rather than in control of it. Unsurprisingly, the obsessive sexual passion style has been associated with compulsive levels of pornography consumption.

2. Inhibited Sexual Passion

Like the obsessive style, inhibited sexual passion is also primarily determined by external influences. This style is characterized by a suppression or inhibition of sexual desires and thoughts.

Individuals with inhibited sexual passion styles may experience difficulty or discomfort expressing their sexual needs or desires due to personal insecurities, societal pressures or past negative experiences. For instance, their sexual passion may be controlled by a fear of rejection or sexual stigma as a result of their upbringing. This inhibition can lead to a lack of sexual fulfillment and potentially strain relationship dynamics.

3. Harmonious Sexual Passion

Harmonious sexual passion signifies a healthy, balanced integration of sexual passion within a relationship. Unlike obsessive and inhibited types, this style is based on internal motivations while experiencing a strong desire for intimacy and connection with one’s partner.

Individuals with harmonious sexual passion styles view sexuality positively, are comfortable with and open about their desires while being respectful and attentive to their partner’s boundaries and preferences. The emphasis here is on a mutually satisfying sexual connection that complements the emotional bond within a relationship without becoming overpowering or detrimental.

Research shows that harmonious sexual passion is associated with lower levels of impulsivity and shyness. This style emerges when individuals consciously choose and internalize sexual norms, values and scripts that align with their sense of self.

Why Harmonious Sexual Passion Is The Best Kind

A harmonious sexual passion style is the healthiest approach for couples as it is driven by self-awareness, true consent and mutual respect. The understanding of one’s own sexuality and sexual desires makes sexual intimacy an empowering activity rather than a space of limited personal agency.

Additionally, researchers of the 2019 study found that harmonious sexual passion is consistently associated with higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, whereas inhibited and obsessive styles are associated with comparatively lower levels of both.

A 2022 study also found that in relationships where men had an obsessive style and perceived their partner as being inhibited, both partners experienced lower levels of sexual satisfaction and negative relationship outcomes.

Notably, according to a 2020 study, higher levels of obsessive and inhibited sexual passion are linked to insecure attachment styles, which refer to patterns of relationship behavior and emotional responses characterized by difficulties in forming trusting and stable connections with others. Research findings indicate that attachment insecurity is associated with lower levels of sexual satisfaction, while demonstrating that harmonious sexual passion is connected to reduced levels of insecure attachment.

Research also suggests that obsessive sexual passion is associated with a tendency for infidelity, an inability to delay gratification, instances of aggression, jealous behavior and intrusive thoughts about sex. In contrast, harmonious passion is associated with experiencing flow states, positive emotions, a higher quality of interpersonal relationships, mental flexibility and a lack of defensiveness or inner conflict.

Conclusion

A harmonious sexual passion style allows individuals to experience personal autonomy and express sexual desire based on internal value systems rather than conditioned attitudes that are not entirely their own. Cultivating harmonious sexual passion requires inner reflection as well as open communication with a partner regarding values, beliefs and desires related to sexuality. It is also essential to prioritize emotional intimacy and connection outside of sexual activities. This harmony not only enhances sexual satisfaction but also contributes to a healthier attachment style, fostering personal growth and laying the foundation for mutually fulfilling and enduring relationships.

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Women’s sex lives were a mystery to men. Then along came Shere Hite

— A new documentary celebrates the life of the feminist pioneer who shocked the world – and about time too

‘Clever, spikey, ethereal’: Shere Hite in 2006.

By

In a society in which nine-year-olds watch pornography and song lyrics are more explicit than The Kama Sutra, the revolution that Shere Hite helped to bring about in the 1970s, employing the words vagina, clitoris and masturbation, on primetime television for a start, is easily forgotten – which is exactly what has happened.

The Disappearance of Shere Hite, a documentary made by Nicole Newnham and produced by Dakota Johnson, and released in the UK this weekend, charts Hite’s rise in the 70s and her decline by the 1990s. “It’s just as simple as know yourself, not your role,” she says as advice to herself. “It’s hellish hard.”

In 1976, The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality was published. By the time of the author’s death in 2020, it had sold 48m copies in many countries and was banned in almost a dozen.

The documentary charts how, over a period of four years, Hite had sent out thousands of questionnaires asking detailed questions that probably hadn’t even been asked at the consciousness raising sessions then emerging in the second wave of the women’s movement and at the gatherings in which participants equipped with mirrors took at a look at their own vulvas, aghast or overjoyed with what they spied. It was a fun time to be alive.

“Does your partner realise you come when you come?” Hite asked her anonymous respondents. She received thousands of replies to dozens of detailed questions. One woman was in her 10th week as a cook with an all-male crew on a freighter in the North Sea. “I enjoy sex,” she wrote, in itself a challenge to the prevailing stereotype that nice girls thought it an unpleasant but necessary business. “I enjoy sex… but never have I experienced a more concentrated dose of chauvinism than being the only woman on a freighter with young men I am unwilling to fuck.”

In the documentary, Shere (pronounced “share”, born Shirley Diana Gregory) Hite talks coolly about the shocking revelation (at least to many men) that women had orgasms easily when they masturbated and that they preferred clitoral stimulaton to vaginal penetrative sex, a challenge to what the sexologists Masters and Johnson had asserted.

Whether you agreed with her or not – and plenty of feminists such as the redoubtable Lynne Segal in Straight Sex rightly took her to task for her oversimplification – Hite was trying to point out that the lack of words to portray the female sexual experience was an example of the patriarchy in action. The clitoris, whose only role is to provide pleasure, might have been discovered and illustrated in medical journals in the 17th century but by the early 20th century its value had been eroded.

In 1987, Hite published Women and Love: A Cultural Revolution in Progress. Her responses this time told her that women were fed up, they wanted intimacy and emotional connectedness with men. I interviewed her at the time. As the documentary portrays very accurately, Hite was unique: clever, spikey, ethereal with almost see-through alabaster skin, a cloud of curls, white eyelashes and a soft, baby voice. As an interviewee in the documentary says, Hite had made herself a brand. In the 1970s and 80s, it still wasn’t acceptable to be female with a brain, beauty, wit and a publicly viewed vulva (Hite had hers photographed often by the German photographer Iris Brosch in later years); a scholar and a slut.

The joy of the documentary is that it provides a history of the women’s movement in which Hite felt at home. Bisexual, she was an advocate for gay rights at a time when it was dangerous to do so. She had featured in Playboy, and, as a model, in an ad for Olivetti typewriters: ”The typewriter that’s so smart she doesn’t have to be.” Sexism was that bad, and worse.

Hite confessed to her modelling past and the liberationists took her to their heart. On one occasion, she asked those in the room to raise their hands if they masturbated; nobody moved. The idea for the first Hite report was born.

Hite, whose 16-year-old mother dumped her with her grandparents, had two history degrees. When she and her fellow activists picketed Washington’s National Museum of Natural History – “the Unnatural History Museum – women were only portrayed stirring a pot and holding a baby. I was studying the past,” Hite says in the documentary. “Because I couldn’t understand the present… why couldn’t everyone have an equal chance?”

Hite wrote half a dozen books; her report on women’s sex lives was followed by The Hite Report on Male Sexuality, published in 1981 and drawn from 7,239 questionnaires. Reading some, her editor, Bob Gottlieb, said: “I haven’t had many sadder experiences as an editor in my life.” Men said they were lonely, some were afraid. Other men reacted angrily. The backlash had already begun because Hite called herself a social scientist.

In a letter to the New York Times in 1981, she noted that “science” comes from the Latin root “to know”. Hite had employed percentages in her books – but percentages of what, her critics asked? Seventy per cent of 10 or 1,000? Regardless of the numbers, as Oprah Winfrey says in the documentary, “Nobody can deny there’s a problem.”

By the 1990s, Hite was in financial trouble and couldn’t get her books published in the US. In 1996, she became a German citizen, having married Friedrich Höricke, a couple of decades her junior in 1985. She developed Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s and died aged 77. In her New York Times review of The Hite Report, Erica Jong quotes a character in Doris Lessing’s The Golden Notebook (1962): “Women of any sense know better, after all these centuries, than to interrupt when men start telling them how they feel about sex.” Shere Hite deserves to be remembered.

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How a Polyamorous Mom Had ‘a Big Sexual Adventure’ and Found Herself

— In her memoir, “More,” Molly Roden Winter recounts the highs and lows of juggling an open marriage with work and child care.

“In a place like Brooklyn, you would think there would be just more sexual freedom,” said Molly Roden Winter, “but it’s reserved for people who are not moms.”

By Alexandra Alter

For anyone prone to experiencing secondhand embarrassment, there’s a scene in Molly Roden Winter’s debut, “More: A Memoir of Open Marriage,” that should come with a warning.

Winter is at her home in Brooklyn. She has just had sex with her boyfriend while her two children sleep upstairs. Her husband, Stewart, consented to her tryst, but feeling guilty, she dashes naked into the kitchen to text him: Don’t worry, she writes, “he has nothing on you as a lover.” But instead of texting her husband, she accidentally sends the message to her boyfriend, who leaves in a huff, and later breaks up with her. Winter, devastated, begs her husband to come home to comfort her.

“I still get a little nauseous thinking about it,” said Winter, 51, who was sipping tea in the living room of her bright and airy townhouse in Park Slope, Brooklyn. “Talk about the cringiest, cringiest, most awful thing that could happen.”

It’s far from the only agonizing and breathtakingly candid scene in “More,” which documents Winter’s often turbulent experience of open marriage — the resentment and jealousy she felt toward her husband’s girlfriends, the flashes of guilt and shame, and the challenges of juggling her obligations as a wife and mother with her pursuit of sexual and romantic fulfillment.

Winter is keenly aware that people may judge her for the behavior she describes in “More.” But she also said she felt compelled to write about her experience, in part because she felt that non-monogamy is so often depicted as something happening on the fringes, not as a lifestyle that married moms pursue.

“I felt like there were no stories from the mainstream about it, and I felt very closeted,” Winter said. “It often feels like mothers are not supposed to be sexual beings.”

“More,” which Doubleday will release on Jan. 16, is landing at a moment when polyamory is drifting from the margins to the mainstream. About a third of Americans surveyed in a YouGov poll in February of 2023 said they preferred some form of non-monogamy in relationships.

The cover of this book is rust orange, with the title, “More” in all-caps dark blue letters. Below it is a stylized lilac flower, with some bees hovering. Below that is the subtitle, “A Memoir of Open Marriage.” in white. The author’s name, Molly Roden Winter, is below that.

Along with novels, TV shows and movies that depict throuples, polycules and other permutations of open relationships, there is a growing body of nonfiction literature that explores the ethics and logistical hurdles of polyamory. Recent titles include memoirs like the journalist Rachel Krantz’s 2022 book “Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy,” and self-help and inspirational books like “The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy,” “The Polyamory Paradox” and “A Polyamory Devotional,” which has 365 daily reflections for the polyamorous.

Jessica Fern, a psychotherapist who counsels people in open relationships, said Winter’s account adds a new layer to the growing catalog of nonfiction about polyamory.

“Her story, which is about what it means for a mother to be erotically charged, that story I haven’t seen enough yet,” said Fern, author of “Polysecure” and “Polywise.”

Fern noted that there might be a scarcity of books by moms in open marriages because they are simply too busy: “When you’re a parent and you’re polyamorous, who has time to write?”

Winter concedes that polyamory could be exhausting — particularly when she had to balance it with marriage, child care and working as an 8th grade English teacher.

“I did not sleep very much,” she said.

Opening the marriage wasn’t just about doing whatever — and whoever — she wanted, she said. She had to cast off internalized sexism and her tendency to put others’ needs before her own, issues she worked through in therapy. What began as sexual thrill-seeking led unexpectedly to self-discovery.

“I thought non-monogamy was going to be all about the sex,” she said. “I thought I was going on a big sexual adventure, and it was going to be super exciting. And it was, until it wasn’t.”

To be clear: “More” is also about the sex. Winter recounts her experiments with butt plugs, fisting and anal intercourse, and catalogs her extramarital relationships — which range from brief encounters in seedy hotel rooms to romantic partnerships that last for years — in meticulous detail. She changed the names of her and her husband’s respective partners to protect their privacy, but often leaves little else to the imagination.

There’s “Karl,” the generous German lover who seems intent on pleasing her in bed, then pushes her to have a threesome with him and his fiancé, then ghosts her. There’s “Laurent,” the French-Argentine lover who refuses to wear condoms and likes to have sex in public restrooms and co-working spaces — a fetish that gets Winter banned for life from a shared office space.

And there’s “Jay,” a 29-year-old with a shockingly large penis. After they have unsatisfying sex, Jay tells Winter he usually can’t orgasm from intercourse, but that he plans to masturbate to the memory of her. “You’re sweet,” she tells him.

Stewart Winter is standing behind his wife, Roden Winter, and embracing her.
Many of Stewart’s friends are skeptical of his open marriage, he said. “My male friends don’t know how to deal with it,” he said. “They think it’s like swingers, like we’re all sitting around in bathrobes with martinis.”

Winter grew up in Evanston, Ill., and was in her early 20s when she met Stewart Winter, the man she would marry. He made her laugh and was passionate about his work composing music for TV shows and movies.

In 2008, they had been married for nearly a decade and had two young sons when Winter met someone else. Frustrated after an exhausting day caring for their boys while he worked late, she took a walk one evening. A friend invited her to drinks, and at the bar she fell into a flirtatious conversation with a man.

When she told her husband later, to her surprise, he wasn’t mad. Instead, he urged her to sleep with her new acquaintance, and share the details.

After Winter started dating, it wasn’t long before Stewart also started seeing other women. Though she agreed it was only fair, she was consumed by jealousy and occasionally asked to close the marriage.

Stewart confirmed that open marriage was easier for him at first.

“Molly might have been more discerning than I was at that point,” he said, comparing his dating experience to being “at a salad bar.”

In the early years, many of her sexual exploits proved unsatisfying. At the time, most online dating sites didn’t cater to polyamorous people, so she sometimes resorted to dating men who were cheating on their wives and girlfriends. “Not my finest hour,” she said.

Some of her closest friends worried that she was sabotaging her marriage and that she would get hurt.

“I worried that she was leaning so heavily into the sex part that she was not really thinking about the emotional element,” said Rebecca Morrissey, a friend of more than 25 years, who added that her concerns faded when Winter started forming healthier relationships with her paramours.

Eventually, Winter swore off men who were cheating and began seeing people who were also in open relationships, a demographic that became easier to find when online dating services added non-monogamous to their menus. Even then, options were limited.

“There were so few people that I kept getting paired with Stewart,” she said.

In this portrait, Roden Winter is leaning against the sill of a large window with tall bookcases rising on either side of her.
“The bad sex taught me a lot more about what makes sex good,” Roden Winter said. “I also wanted to tell the truth about how hard it was.”

Winter and her husband struggled with when and how to tell their sons about their arrangement, and wanted to wait until their children were mature enough to handle it. That plan failed when their oldest son, then 13, saw his dad’s online dating profile on his laptop, and texted his mother in a panic, asking if they were in an open marriage. Her youngest son found out in a similar way a few years ago, when he was 14, she said.

By now, her sons, who are 19 and 21, are blasé about their parents’ sex lives. Her oldest has read her book, and told Winter he skipped some of the “nitty-gritty” sex scenes, while her youngest chose not to read it, she said.

It took a few years before Winter felt comfortable revealing the details of her open marriage to a larger circle of friends and family.

When she told her mother about her adventures in non-monogamy, she learned more about how her parents, who have been married for nearly 60 years, also had an open marriage.

Her parents, Mary and Philip Roden, were a bit uncomfortable with the intimate details their daughter shares in her memoir, but ultimately endorsed the book, they said in a video interview.

“For the most part, I totally approved of what she was saying,” Mary Roden said, though she noted that she was put off by “the raw sexual detailed descriptions.”

For his part, Stewart is enthusiastic about the memoir, but worries that people will think he manipulated his wife into opening their marriage.

“All my reservations, to be perfectly honest, are because I’m being selfish, wondering, how is this going to make me look?” he said.

“More” ends in 2018, when Winter’s boyfriend, whose wife had recently divorced him, broke up with her after she turned down his ultimatum to end her own marriage. Winter was heartbroken, but moved on, and has had other serious romances since.

She’s grown more confident that her marriage of 24 years has benefited from their outside relationships. She’s mulling another book about her open marriage — which will in part explore the surprising connections she’s formed with the “other women” in her life, including Stewart’s girlfriends and the wives of the men she dates.

For now, Winter is bracing herself for the impact the book will inevitably have on her and those around her — but she seemed undaunted.

“I’ve been spending a lot of my time calming everybody else down,” she said. “This doesn’t feel like something I need to be afraid of.”

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What Are the Benefits of a Prostate Massage?

By Wendy Wisner

A prostate massage involves stimulating and massaging the prostate gland with a finger or sex toy for either sexual release or to treat a medical condition like prostatitis, an enlarged prostate, urinary hesitancy, or erectile dysfunction. 1

The prostate gland is a small, walnut-shaped organ located just below the bladder and in front of the rectum. Its main job is to make the seminal fluid — semen — that helps sperm travel and survive in the acidic environment of a vagina. 2

Although major medical organizations and independent healthcare providers don’t often promote a prostate massage as a medical procedure or therapy, it’s been used for over 100 years to treat conditions such as chronic prostatitis. 3

A prostate massage can be a circular type of motion, or an application of gentle pressure. It’s usually performed by a medical professional, or can also be performed by a significant other. Some people choose to self-stimulate their prostate with sex toys or fingers.

Here are the health benefits of a prostate massage, risks, and how to safely and effectively perform a prostate massage.

The health benefits of prostate massage are based on very limited studies and many of the studies are old studies. However, there is some evidence that massaging the prostate has medical advantages.

May Help With Urinary Flow

The prostate can become enlarged as people age, a condition known as benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH).2 BPH can cause the urethra to be compressed, and lead to issues with urination, such as incomplete bladder emptying, trouble starting urine, or dribbling at the end of urination.

An older 2006 study that looked at urine retention in older males found that prostate massage, combined with antimicrobial therapy and alpha-blocker therapy, helped resolve urinary retention, and allowed for effective urination in all study participants. 4

Any urination issues such as painful urination, limited flow, feeling of not being able to empty your bladder, incontinence, or blood in urine warrants a visit to a healthcare provider such an urologist.

May Help Treat Prostatitis

Prostatitis is swelling and inflammation of the prostate gland. It can be caused by a urinatiry tract infection (UTI) or a bladder infection. Although prostate massages have historically been used to treat prostatitis, research is mixed on its effectiveness.

For example, an older study from 2006 found that prostate massages were helpful for some people with chronic prostatitis, but these improvements were not significant and the study researchers deemed it needed more research.5 Another old study found that prostate massages may be helpful in treating prostatitis — specifically when combined with antibiotics.6

However, a more recent systematic review from 2018 concluded that it’s unclear whether prostate massages decrease or increase prostatitis symptoms. 7

Does it Improve Erectile Dysfunction?

People often cite prostate massages as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. However, there is no clear evidence linking prostate massage with improved sexual function.7 Still, an older published case study from 2004 found that prostate massages improved the sexual function of an elderly man.4 Other anecdotal reports similar to this have circulated, leading people to believe that prostate massage may help with sexual dysfunction. 4

May Enhance Sexual Pleasure

The prostate gland is often referred to as the male “G spot” or “P spot.” There is evidence to back up the notion that stimulation of the prostate during sex can be highly pleasurable and result in more intense orgasms. Although there is little understanding of the medical reasons behind this, studies describe rectal stimulation of the prostate as producing “ecstatic feelings” that may be even more pleasurable than stimulating the penis. 1

Prostate massage and prostate milking are similar, and both involve stimulation of the prostate through the rectum. Prostate milking is usually associated with sexual pleasure, and  its goal is to release seminal fluid from the prostate, which is released during an orgasm. Whereas prostate massage is sometimes medical in nature. 2

There are no known adverse effects associated with prostate massage.7 But the tissues lining the prostate and rectum are delicate and vulnerable to tears and abrasions. Massaging the prostate too roughly can easily lead to discomfort and soreness. A 2009 study that looked at self-administered prostate massages for the treatment of urinary tract symptoms among older males found that about 8% of study participants complained of rectal soreness with treatment. 8

Prostate massage is advised against certain medical conditions. For example, the American Academy of Family Physicians Foundation (AAFP) has warned that prostate massage should be avoided if you have acute bacterial prostatitis, or if you have a suspected case. 9< Anyone who is interested in having a prostate massage performed should check with their healthcare provider first, especially if they have any known medical conditions. Prostate massage should not be substituted for proper medical care or medical screenings of the prostate. Periodic prostate cancer screening is recommended for males aged 55 through 69. 10

Prostate massages may be performed by your healthcare provider, by your partner, or yourself. When performed by a healthcare provider, the massage may be similar to a rectal exam, where your healthcare provider inserts a gloved finger into your rectum, examines your prostate, and gently massages.

If you or your partner are performing a prostate massage, here are some things to keep in mind:

  • The massage should be done with clear consent, and should be stopped if discomfort or pain is experienced.
  • It’s important to thoroughly wash your hands or sex toys before insertion; some people prefer to wear gloves.
  • Liberal use of lubricant is advised.
  • To begin, insert your finger a few inches into the anus.
  • Locate the prostate, which will feel like a small lump.
  • Gently massage the prostate by moving your finger in a circular motion, or whatever motion feels comfortable and/or pleasurable.
  • For people who are uncomfortable with rectal stimulation, the prostate can be stimulated by massage and pressure on the perineum, which is the area located between the anus and scrotum.11 However, it may not be easy to find it that way. 

A prostate massage involves gentle stimulation of the prostate gland by inserting a finger or sex toy into the rectum, locating the prostate, and massaging. Prostate massages may have some medical benefits, such as reducing symptoms of prostatitis and helping with urine flow.74 However, the evidence for medical benefits is limited.

Many find prostate massage highly pleasurable and prostate massage may result in more intense orgasms. 1 Although prostate massage appears to be a relatively safe practice, it’s important to touch base with your healthcare provider before getting a prostate massage, especially if you have any underlying medical conditions. 7

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Many survivors aren’t sure what to do after a sexual assault

– Here’s what you need to know

By

Millions of people have experienced sexual violence and abuse in England and Wales, but many do not know where to go, or who to turn to afterwards. Shame felt by victims and survivors of sexual violence can be reinforced by the responses of family members and others.

This means many find it difficult to get help, sometimes carrying the burden of abuse for years. As one survivor I spoke to put it: “My parents didn’t want to know when I spoke to them about it. I grew up in the age of where everything was hidden. So, I kept this totally from everybody until 2021.” Perpetrators count on survivors of abuse not being heard.

I’ve been researching the work of Sexual Assault Referral Centres (Sarcs) in England, and speaking to survivors who have used their services. The narratives people share are upsetting, but give me hope – there is a strong network of Sarcs and other sexual violence and abuse services providing support to people across England, whether people choose to involve the police or not.

Getting help as soon as possible is important for any injuries and to reduce risks of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy.

A person may prioritise contacting the police, especially if there is ongoing risk of harm to them or a third party. The police will check safety and refer victims and survivors to support agencies like Sarcs. A survivor can opt to provide a witness statement at the appropriate time.

The first Sarc opened in 1986. Today there are over 50 across England and Wales. Sarcs can be a first point of care for any survivor, no matter their age, gender or how long it has been since the abuse occurred. They can be reached 24/7, and offer crisis support, first aid, pregnancy and STI testing, emergency contraception, forensic care and referrals to other services like independent sexual violence advisers.

What happens when you seek help after sexual assault

Sarcs offer the choice to have a forensic medical examination to collect evidence, which may be useful if the case goes to court. These samples, which include swabs of where physical contact took place, must usually be taken within a few days. Acting quickly gives the greatest chance of securing forensic evidence.

These exams were once undertaken in busy emergency departments and police stations, but Sarcs provide dedicated private spaces and a supportive environment. One survivor I interviewed referred to their experience as “a remarkably positive experience, considering the circumstances. I was impressed by [the forensic practitioner’s] professionalism and her knowledge, she was supportive in terms of me being a victim.”

Unless there are overriding safeguarding concerns, survivors have a choice about whether or not to involve the police. The staff at a Sarc can help a person decide the best course of action for their situation. This could include storing samples for reporting in the future, and anonymous reporting.

A circle of people sitting in chairs in a support group, focus is on one young woman with peers comforting her
Sarcs help survivors access other services like counselling and support for domestic abuse.

Sarcs are not the same as Rape Crisis centres, which are run by the voluntary sector. Rape Crisis England and Wales provides a 24/7 helpline, with around 40 centres offering outreach, advocacy, pre-trial therapy, peer support and counselling. Many also provide specialist advocates who can help survivors navigate the justice system.

Rape Crisis is struggling to keep up with the high demand for its services, in response to record numbers of survivors coming forward for help. A backlog of cases in the courts due to the pandemic, delayed trials and lack of resources in the judicial system, means there are now nearly 10,000 cases waiting, each taking an average of two years to be heard. This places further pressure on voluntary sector services to support people for longer.

What do survivors say about Sarcs?

Through our research, my colleagues and I have spoken to hundreds of survivors between the ages of 18 and 75 about their experiences of Sarcs. We have found that these services are safe and effective, with around 1% of participants feeling they had been adversely affected by the care they received.

On joining our research (around 100 days after contacting the Sarc), 70% of participants had symptoms consistent with PTSD. After one year and contact with many different services, this had fallen to 55%. As one man shared: “I feel that the support I’ve had … has given me a better outlook on life.”

People said they felt safe, believed and understood at Sarcs, and they received accurate and accessible information. Traditionally, the voluntary sector has been the benchmark for survivor-centred, trauma-informed care. But participants in our research rated Sarc care at least as positively as support from the voluntary sector. These results are heartening.

But there is still work to be done to ensure people understand their options after sexual violence. Only around one in 10 eligible people ever access a Sarc’s services. In particular, survivors from ethnic minorities, those experiencing concurrent domestic abuse and those with mental health problems struggle to access help.

Giving survivors choices and control over decisions is crucial in the aftermath of sexual violence. Aside from Sarcs, survivors can talk to a health professional like their GP, sexual health or antenatal care provider, or get in touch with Rape Crisis or The Survivors Trust. No one should have to carry the burden of sexual violence and abuse alone.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Talking About Sex is So Awkward

— Sex is everywhere, but talking about is still so taboo. Here’s how to begin to change that.

By Sabrina Winter

Gianna Bacio makes a living doing something most people are uncomfortable with: talking about sex. And she’s been doing it day in, day out for the past 13 years, especially on Instagram and TikTok.

Today, great TV shows like Sex Education have begun demystifying the topic, but we’re still very far from comfortable and positive discussions about what we like in bed. We asked Bacio why that is and what we can do about it.

VICE: Hey Gianna. When was the first time you talked about sex?
Gianna Bacio: I was 4 years old. I was sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car, playing with Barbie and Ken, when Barbie said, “Ken, let’s fuck!” That’s how my family still tells the story to this day.

People hate talking about sex, but for you, it seems fun.
I’ve always enjoyed it. I remember an evening with my friends, I was maybe 19 or 20, where we met up with plans to go out later. I just threw the question out there: “What do you do with the sperm after having sex?”

Some friends found it totally gross and shut it down, but I thought it was an important question. I wanted to share my experiences and learn from others. Maybe I was just oversharing.

Why do people get so embarrassed?
Shame is a crucial part of embarrassment. The ability to feel shame is innate, but it’s only later that it really kicks in with socialization. When children hear, “Yuck,” “That’s gross,” or “Stop that,” they become insecure. Talking about personal preferences is considered shameful in our culture, just as opening your mouth in public is shameful in Japan, for example.

Does shame have any positive connotations?
Well, if we look at evolution, yes. For humans, group survival was crucial and bodily responses like blushing signal: “This is uncomfortable for me.” Today, it’s become unnecessary in many situations, though.

So shame gets in the way of good sex. But it’s only part of the explanation, right?
Yes, during sex, we are usually naked. This vulnerability should not be underestimated when talking about sex. We make ourselves vulnerable, we reveal something about ourselves. Plus, sex has long been considered forbidden and dirty. And that’s even more the case with female pleasure – we’ve only begun openly talking about it in the past few decades.

Why is that?
We haven’t come very far in terms of gender equality. While there has been a revolution on women’s rights, the Church – which has had a huge influence in Europe for many centuries – made sex and masturbation taboo. Today, few people are religious, but we still don’t learn to talk about sex.

Who should teach us? Parents? Teachers? The internet?
Parents, of course, are role models. People often ask me: When is the right time for sex education? I think there doesn’t need to be a big moment. If you talk about sex openly, you’ll notice when a child develops their curiosity. Then they’ll ask questions, and you can answer them.

You have a young son. What questions does he ask?
My son is almost 5 and is very curious. He sees many books at home dealing with the body. Recently, at the library, he held up a book about bodies and said, “Look Mom, you like these kinds of books.” Of course, he knows what I do for work and asks many questions.

What should schools teach about sex?
I was recently in a classroom and could feel the embarrassment. It manifested as a lot of giggling. But it was even worse in the teachers’ lounge, there was even more giggling.

The problem is, in school, you only learn how to protect yourself – whether from pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. The joyful, positive aspects of sex are rarely discussed.

In one of your Instagram posts, you wrote that good sex can be learned. How?
There’s this assumption you should just be able to have sex, that it’s innate. Either it works, or it doesn’t. Some believe they just need the perfect partner. That’s mostly nonsense.

I believe that if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can have good sex or a good relationship with anyone. You have to educate yourself, experiment, communicate, and figure out what pleases you.

How do you start doing that?
You have to get over yourself, of course. One strategy is to dive into the deep end. For example, you can say to your partner: “Hey, let’s sit down tomorrow at 6PM and talk about sex.” This involves revealing intimate details, stating your own needs, and discussing preferences.

How do you even find out about your preferences?
That’s not easy. Our attention and thoughts often focus on the other person and what they like. It can be worth asking yourself: Where do I want to be touched? What makes sex good to me? Opening up isn’t easy. People often message me about it.

What kinds of messages do you receive?
Sometimes women write to me that they’ve been faking an orgasm for years. They ask me: “How can I now say it was never real?”

What do you advise them?
Well, either they live with the lie or they overcome this hurdle. Often, I sense a desire for change in these messages. But you have to do something about it. It’s probably awkward to talk about sex for the first time. But I promise: It gets easier over time. 

What helped you?
Repetition. And therapy.

Therapy isn’t always accessible, nor is jumping into the deep end. What else can you do to talk more about sex?
Perhaps with a game. Then, there’s an external entity raising questions and stimulating reflection.

Are these topics harder for men or women?
Often for men.

Why?
This sounds like a stereotype, but unfortunately, men talk less and are less open. When they do talk about sex, it’s more about performance. They don’t frequently ask themselves what they would like.

Not talking about sex is bad, but having sex without your partner’s consent is worse. How can we communicate more clearly about that?
Here we are again with the question: What do I like, and what do I want? It helps to listen to your gut feeling. When we don’t want something, we notice it, and we should trust ourselves. If we don’t, we also harm our self-esteem and confidence because we betray ourselves.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

— Have you ever considered the ways technological advances could transform human relationships? From male contraceptive medications, to personalized 3D printed sex toys, to haptic suits that could allow us to experience pornography more directly, there are a variety of unexpected ways tech will shape the future of sex. WatchMojo counts down ten future technologies that could drastically alter our sex lives.

By Nick Roffey

Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

The tech world may very well transform the way we get intimate. Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and today we’re counting down our picks for the top 10 ways technology could change sex.

For this list, we’re looking at emerging and predicted technologies that could significantly change our sexual relationships and impact our sex lives.

#10: DIY-Customizable, Printable Sex Toys

3D printing: the revolutionary technology used to create engine parts, human tissue, houses . . . and Eiffel Tower-shaped dildos. Don’t want to walk into a sex shop or receive a mysterious package at home? Sex toys are becoming printable and customizable. Online retailer SexShop3D allows customers to completely customize their sex devices and print them at home. Choose from a range of adjustments, or just make something up. Get as creative as you like!

#9: Avatar-Based Sex & Virtual Prostitution

In the online world of Second Life, users can make connections, explore an extensive multiverse, and even start virtual businesses. Or you can also, y’know, Netflix and… pixel mash. Just grab some genitals for your avatar at the general store, and you’re off. If you can’t find the right match, there are virtual sex workers available (for a price) in certain locations. Another massive multiplayer online world, Red Light Center, caters to adult tastes exclusively, and employs freelance Working Girls and Guys to entertain their members. Meanwhile, prostitution itself is going virtual, pushing the boundaries of online sex chats, and bringing avatars together in new and… interesting ways. And that’s not even taking into account webcam shows.

#8: Haptic Suits

Several companies have been hard at work creating advanced haptic suits that mimic physical sensations. The Teslasuit, for example, uses “neuromuscular electrical stimulation” to simulate a wide range of tactile sensations, from a breeze to a bullet. Right now, the industry focus is primarily on gaming, but futurologists predict that such suits will one day allow us to experience porn more directly and have sex at a distance. Admittedly however, the early examples of suits designed specifically for sexual purposes are… alarming. Here’s hoping that future incarnations are a little more discrete and less… awkward-looking.

#7: Artificial Wombs

Researchers at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia made headlines in 2017 when they successfully “grew” premature lambs in artificial wombs. The lambs were placed inside fluid-filled plastic “biobags” and attached to mechanical placentas. The researchers hope to develop similar technology for humans. Sound like something out of a sci-fi novel? Well, writers in the genre have been anticipating this development for some time. In the utopian society of Marge Piercy’s acclaimed “Woman on the Edge of Time”, babies are gestated in mechanical brooders and men can breastfeed, allowing both sexes to “mother” children. One day, human babies could grow entirely in artificial wombs, changing our ideas about gender, family, and equality.

#6: Laboratory-Grown Genitals

Dr. Anthony Atala, a urological surgeon specializing in regenerative medicine, has engineered and successfully transplanted artificial bladders and vaginas. Since the organs are created from a patient’s own cells, there’s no risk of the body rejecting the transplant. Tissue engineering could completely revolutionize organ transplantation… and genitals. Atala is growing human penises in vats, and believes transplants will be possible very soon. His work provides hope for people with damaged reproductive organs, or who just want some new junk. Could designer genitalia be just around the corner?

#5: Male Contraceptive Medication

In 2016, the trial of an injectable male contraceptive was halted early due to side effects such as mood changes and acne… which, understandably, prompted women around the world to collectively roll their eyes. Many of the men reportedly actually thought the side effects were worth it, but researchers stopped the trial due to an unexpected and unexplained spike in these effects. Despite mixed results, numerous researchers are continuing to work on solutions for men, such as pills, topical gels, and perhaps most promising, one-time reversible injections, such as Vasalgel and RISUG. Regardless of which option hits the market first, they could finally balance out the burden of birth control.

#4: Teledildonics

Personal sex devices that connect via Bluetooth are providing new ways for couples to relate over long distances, and making porn interactive. A company known as Kiiroo already offers pairable sex toys that promise to let you “feel your lover from anywhere in the world”. This also has applications for pornography. In 2015 pornstar Lisa Ann held what was billed as “the world’s first virtual gangbang”, allowing male viewers to “feel her” by syncing their Kiiroo masturbators to her vibrator. For added intimacy, other companies have developed “hug shirts” and long-distance kissing devices. Teledildonics, paired with haptic suits, promise to make remote sex increasingly realistic.

#3: Virtual Reality

Virtual reality is becoming an increasingly common medium for pornography, with content available on many of the major sites. Add the aforementioned haptic suits and teledildonics, and you have everything you need for virtual sex, be it with actors, or avatars controlled by other people. In an interview with Playboy, Ray Kurzweil, director of engineering at Google, predicted that virtual sex will eventually become commonplace thanks to nanobot networks that will be installed into our brains. Some research projects suggest that VR also has the potential to increase empathy between the sexes. Be Another Lab’s Gender Swap experiment swapped male and female perspectives, while the YWCA in Montreal, Quebec, Canada has used VR to educate young people about consent.

#2: Augmented Reality

At the 2017 Facebook Developer Conference, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the future of the company lies in augmented reality, in which digital images are superimposed onto the physical world. The company is working on smart glasses to help make AR a ubiquitous part of our lives. And futurists claim that this will greatly influence how we have sex. In the same aforementioned Playboy interview, Ray Kurzweil, predicts that we will one day be able to change how our partner looks, making them more attractive, or like someone completely different. Of course, AR also has interesting potential uses for dating apps.

#1: Sex Robots

Sex robots are on their way. Futurist Ian Pearson predicts that by 2050, we’ll have sex with robots more than with people. Seem far-fetched? A subsidiary of Abyss Creations has been working on a robotic head that attaches to their line of life-sized sex dolls. The head features a customizable personality storable on smartphones, thanks to 2017 app Harmony AI. And, a number of other companies are working on their own automated sex dolls. Some observers worry that sexbots will increase gender inequalities, while others believe they’ll reduce human prostitution and trafficking, blowing away the competition with uncanny abilities. Only time will tell just how drastically this will shape the future of sex culture.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘We have not had sex since the dog came into our lives’

— When pets affect human relationships

Pets can wield an outsized influence on relationship success.

From prophetic pooches to clingy cats, Guardian readers share tales of how pets have influenced their love lives, for better and worse

By

While humans have kept domesticated animals for tens of thousands of years, there’s no evidence that anyone was ever driven out of a cave to make room for a pampered pup.

But these days the connections we, and our partners, have with pets can make or break intimate relationships.

Whether they’re enriching, sabotaging or sounding the alarm on a union, pets can wield an outsized influence on relationship success. From terrorism to tenderness, readers share their stories.

Green flags (and red ones)

“I started dating a man when my dog was still a puppy. He wasn’t really a dog person and my dog is very attention-needy. When we were chatting at my table and she kept trying to get his attention for pats, I noticed he pushed her away with perhaps a bit more force than I was comfortable with. She retreated to my bed and when we made our way in there later, I noticed my dog had peed on my bed. It was enough to put him off and he left shortly. My dog had done this before when my sister’s ex-partner stayed. It seems my dog is an excellent judge of character, especially with men who tend to be ‘angry’.”
Kirsten, Melbourne, Australia

“I had two mini fox terriers that I adored like children. My partner at the time knew what these dogs meant to me. He organised a professional pet photographer to come to our house to take the most beautiful photos and had them framed. He presented them to me on my birthday. It was the best present I’ve received. While I’m no longer with that partner and my dogs have both passed, I still have these beautiful photo memories.”
Jenn, Hobart, Australia

“In the early days, seeing the way my now long-term boyfriend was with my two cats absolutely cemented that I had picked a caring person. More than three years later, I will still regularly enter a room to find the pillows arranged on the bed to give one cat ‘a nice rest for his head’, or my boyfriend squeezed on to a tiny strip of the couch so the cats can stretch out.”
Laura, Sydney, Australia

“I recently broke up with a bloke who couldn’t regularly stay over at my place because his (lovely) dog would be too lonely. I was understanding! But as the relationship progressed, we wanted to spend more time together. He invited me over to stay at his place. But when I got there, it became clear that he never mopped his floors, despite the dog living inside. I watched him pooper scoop without spray’ n’ wiping and felt my stomach churn. I broke it off within the week. I love dogs, but can’t stand poor hygiene.”
Anonymous, Sydney, Australia
Coming together

“I had maintained a friendship with a former work colleague who had recently moved interstate. She one day contacted me to say that she would be in town for a few days, and would I like to meet up? We had always gotten along well and so I agreed to an evening out. After a nice evening together we were saying our goodbyes when she suddenly said “I haven’t met your cat!”.

For context, my cat was well known to everyone in the office as I often talked about his antics. Anyway, as I lived close by I said sure, why don’t you come over to meet him? Being somewhat slow on the uptake I was puzzled on the drive home. Why would she want to meet my cat? I mean, of course, he was awesome, but it did seem a little odd …

Upon our arrival home the proper introductions were made and the real reason for my former colleague wanting to meet my cat was revealed. Needless to say I loved my cat even more after that night.”
Anonymous, Adelaide, Australia

“I spent over 10 years with a guy because I loved his dog. We tried to make it work for a long while after she passed away, but needless to say, she was the only thing we had in common.”
Anonymous, Maldives

“I was unsure about my partner but meeting his beautiful four-year-old lab Penny sealed the deal 12 years ago.”
David, Adelaide, Australia

“First let it be known that felines have always been the centre of my universe, and that I would rather live without a partner than without a cat, or multiplicity of them. When Marta and I got together, she didn’t care much for cats. I found that shocking as she was a hardcore animal rights activist – but perhaps her lack of interest made some kind of sense, as cats are quite good at advocating for themselves. At first she would shun my two cats when she came to visit, which I took as a sign we had no future. Some months into the relationship she agreed to catsit for me when I was out of town, and that didn’t go so well either.

Even though I was very much in love with her, I was quite disheartened by her lukewarm reports on the cats’ wellbeing, frequency of pooping and general mood, and her total inability to tell them apart, even though one was black and other tri-coloured. How would we ever move up the relationship escalator with her so fatally flawed? I took a big leap of faith and asked her to move in with me. And then, slowly, cunningly, I embarked on the manipulative mission. At bedtime, as she was already falling asleep, I’d reach for TS Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats and read it in a hypnotic voice. I created urgent situations to bring in and temporarily foster more cats, of more varied colours and ages.

What ultimately broke her was a pair of newborn kittens we found thrown in the trash and had to keep alive, bottle-feeding them every two hours for about six weeks until they were ready for a new home. The intense caring experience and catering to every little miaow turned her into a proper cat-crazy lesbian, and affirmed her decision never to have human children. Today, over a decade later, I can proudly say that Marta loves cats more than she loves me, which is all I ever wanted in a partner.”
Mima, Berlin, Germany

Forcing apart

“My husband had wanted a dog for a long time but I had resisted. On moving to the country in 2019 I stopped resisting and finally agreed to a puppy. She has become the love of my husband’s life. Our relationship has deteriorated romantically since, in fact we have not had a sex since she came into our lives. I do love her too and she is a beautiful dog, but feel I have paid a very heavy price.”
Anonymous, Australia

“Our dog (medium-sized, 15kg) sleeps in a dog bed on top of our bed, at our feet, but it means we’re each forced to the side of the bed. Cuddling below is almost impossible. Can’t say I’m impressed, but it’s been this way for four years and there’s nowhere else for the dog to go.”
Anonymous, Australia

“My cat used to scratch at the door when I was getting intimate with an ex. She wouldn’t stop. They didn’t like having her in the room (or sleeping with us!) and she really liked being in the room or on the bed. Another ex was allergic. My ex was lovely and tried to accommodate by taking antihistamines. My cat is no longer with us but I can’t let my neighbours’ curious cat into my apartmen, otherwise my current partner’s allergies go wild. I’ve now opted to just not ever have a cat. I’m cursed.”
Beth, Melbourne, Australia

“My boyfriend refuses to share a bed with my cat. My cat refuses to sleep anywhere but my bed. We now have to sleep in the spare room and she sleeps in my room. I am not sure what will happen if we move in together.”
Jess, Melbourne, Australia

Ending it all

“I was a uni student at the time, doing a science course. I had a friend who worked in the rat labs and she brought some baby rats home. So, I had a pet rat. One evening, in the throes of passion, my lover squealed in pain. He had been bitten on a soft part, by a small rat. That was a short lived relationship. Oh, OK, it was a short one-night stand.”
Anonymous, Australia

“My now ex-husband and my Siamese cat, Harry, vied for the alpha male position in the family. The battle was fierce. Harry would go into my husband’s study and strategically wee in various places. He did this in no other part of the house. I took Harry to an animal behaviourist who suggested I rehome Harry as, in her experience, these battles tend to drag on without resolution and ruin relationships. I was not prepared to do this (silly me), and yes, the battle continued.

The final straw occurred when my husband and I were enjoying a weekend holiday away in a spa resort. Everything was going well until I noticed a mark on my husband’s ankle, just above his bathroom slippers. Harry had pooed in my husband’s slippers, and the poor man was now wearing the consequences. Bad wife that I am, I laughed. Husband was not impressed. We divorced within the year and Harry stayed with me until his death. My ex-husband and I remain friends, and never refer to the fact that Harry won.”
Anonymous, Melbourne, Australia

“I broke up with a girlfriend because she said ‘it’s me or the cat’, and I immediately said ‘well that’s that, then’. Minky, the cat, had been with me about 15 years at that point and she was my first priority, which I’d told the girlfriend when we first started dating. The girlfriend seemed astonished! The decision really wasn’t about the cat, it was about a sign of something there might be more of. My current partner knows the story and the priority to both of us is cats over humans.”
Mark, Sydney, Australia

  • Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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If You’re Only Interested In Hooking Up, Here’s How To Say So

— Because you’d rather head to the bedroom, not down the aisle.

By Elyssa Goodman

When it comes to dating, honesty and communication are considered the two biggest tools in creating and maintaining a successful relationship. And relationships, as we know, come in all different flavors. Casual sex is of course one of them.

So why is it that when the relationship doesn’t necessarily appear to be headed down the aisle, and instead just toward the bedroom, sometimes people can freak out? Well, sex is delicate and personal for a lot of people, and it’s important to tread thoughtfully when you’re seeking something casual.

If you’re honest and directly ask a girl for sex, you might turn her off — or worse, offend her. But if you lie and put on a big show with dinner dates and flowers, then completely drop the other person after you hook up, you run the risk of hurting them.

So what’s a good way of telling someone, “I’m not looking for anything serious, just a sexual relationship,” without being offensive? How do you ask a girl for sex without being creepy? How do you tell a guy you just want casual sex? It all comes back to communication: how and what you say, and when you say it, matters. We spoke to Miss Couple, Bedroom and Sexual Empowerment Coach, to learn about developing more casual relationships. Here are a few ways to get to the point without resorting to trickery.

Understand What Kind Of Casual Sex You Want

“Something casual” can mean a lot of different things to different people, so make sure not only that your potential bedmate knows what you mean, but that you know what you mean. “Casual dating is often but not always non-exclusive, however it does not automatically imply non-monogamy — many polyamorous people have both casual and more emotionally attached partners,” Couple says. “Typically, casual dating is a connection that you pursue for fun, not commitment. Relationship labels like ‘partner’ or ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ are absent from these dynamics.” You can also casually date someone without having sex with them. “Relationships are all about the art of giving and receiving,” Couple says, and this includes casual sex.

So when you want to know how to ask a girl to hook up or ask a guy to hook up, you need to pinpoint your own desires first. This involves asking yourself some questions. “What are you willing to give and what do you want to receive?” Couple asks. “Do you feel that the dynamic that you’re setting up is fair and balanced?”

You should also know why you’re seeking casual sex. If it’s for fun and pleasure, great! If it’s to heal yourself in some way, it’s better to take a step back. “If you are having casual sex because you are trying to get rid of some negative emotions, or you are wanting to feel some positive emotion, it probably won’t turn out good for you,” wrote Dr. Ryan Anderson in Psychology Today.

“I think that if you’re interested in a casual relationship, you should be upfront about that as soon as possible,” Couple says. “Casual dating means different things to different people, so getting very clear about what your needs, desires, and boundaries are is imperative.”

Couple details how you can figure these out for yourself in three steps. The first, she says, is determining what you need emotionally. “Emotional needs such as affection, acceptance, autonomy, empathy, trust, prioritization…etc. are really important to consider and clarify for yourself,” she says. “What are you truly looking for? What bar does someone have to reach in order for you to feel emotionally cared for and satisfied?”

Next, understand your desires — “What things would make the dynamic more enjoyable for you, but aren’t deal breakers?” she asks — as well as your boundaries. “What boundaries do you want to set? In addition to personal boundaries about your body and personal space, boundaries around friends, family, and especially social media are very important in casual dynamics.”

Talk Frankly About Casual Sex

When you know what you need, a discussion is necessary. To do this, Couple says, “Use ‘I’ statements to communicate what you’re looking for, and ask the other person if what you’re describing is a dynamic they might be interested in participating in.” Be clear, and know that they might say no. “If someone says no to a casual sexual dynamic, it’s probably because they’re looking for a more serious commitment or they feel like it will be too painful for them to engage in a sexual dynamic without that type of commitment,” Couple says. “Respect their boundary and wish them the best on their search for a more committed relationship!”

Fear of rejection is natural. Who wants to get shot down? But the reality is, there are going to be people who aren’t going to be down for what you’re offering. It sucks, but eventually there will be someone out there who wants what you want.

And If You’re Being Asked For Casual Sex…

An important part of this dynamic to note is when you’re the person being approached for casual sex. If this is not something that you want, simply say no. You’ll save both yourself and the asker a lot of trouble and drama. “I think the biggest mistake that people make with casual sexual dynamics is agreeing to them even though they want something more serious, thinking the other party will eventually come around,” Couple says. “This is manipulative and unfair. If you want something that the other person isn’t offering, then the dynamic isn’t for you.” And it’s OK to walk away and find something you do want.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding The Science Of Attraction

— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.

By BetterHelp Editorial Team

The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.

The Science Of Attraction: The Basics

To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.

Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.

The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.

Specific Factors Involved In Attraction

Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.

The Role Of Immediate First Impressions

We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.

In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.

Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.

The Role Of Eye Contact

While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.

In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.

The Role Of Scents

There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.

Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.

Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.

For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.

>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.

Attraction And Fertility

From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.

Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.

If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:

  • Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine. 
  • Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception. 
  • Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.

Getting Support For Your Romantic Life

If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.

If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.

Takeaway

Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.

Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?

Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.

What causes strong physical attraction?

Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.

Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?

Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:

  • Using open body language
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Seeking physical touch
  • Smiling
  • Asking you about yourself
  • Looking for ways to spend more time with you

That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.

How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?

Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:

  • Jitters or restlessness
  • Blushing
  • Sweating
  • A rise in body temperature
  • Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat

If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.

What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?

When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.

These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.

Why do we fall in love scientifically?

A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.

It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.

Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.

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