Tag: sex and relationship advice

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6 Tips for Having Great, Fulfilling Sex When You’re Just So Tired

By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.

And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.

That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.

But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).

6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)

1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse

Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.

For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.

2. Try “lazy” positions

In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.

“Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD

Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy.  “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.

3. Try to have sex during the afternoon

If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.

4. Give yourselves grace

Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.

“During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.

5. Prioritize intimacy

Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.

The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.

6. Try having slower sex

“Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to get consent for sex

(and no, it doesn’t have to spoil the mood)

By and

New South Wales and Victoria are set to introduce a suite of reforms to sexual offences legislation which set a new standard for sexual consent. Both states will implement an affirmative model of consent.

Affirmative consent is based on the idea that someone who is consenting to sex will actively express this through their words and actions – it’s the presence of an “enthusiastic yes”, rather than the absence of a “no”.

So what’s changing, and what does that mean for how we negotiate sex?

By law, you will need to actively seek consent

The Victorian and NSW reforms place a higher onus on the accused.

Current legislation stipulates that while any steps taken by the accused to ascertain consent should be taken into account in determining whether their belief in consent was “reasonable”, they are not required to have actively sought consent. This means an accused person could argue they had “belief” in consent, without actually taking any action to confirm this belief.

Under the new model, if an accused did not take steps to ascertain consent, their belief in consent is considered to be unreasonable. Silence or a lack of resistance cannot indicate consent.

If an accused wanted to mount a defence that they held a “reasonable belief” in the other person’s consent, they would have to demonstrate what steps or actions they took to make sure the other person was consenting.

It is hoped this will lead to an emphasis on the actions of the accused, rather than scrutinising the complainant’s behaviour. These are important improvements in the way the legal system responds to sexual assault.

No, it doesn’t mean signing a consent form

Affirmative consent means all partners should consciously and voluntarily agree to participate in sexual activity.

Responsibility for consent should be mutual, meaning all parties involved need to ensure they have obtained consent.

Affirmative consent can also be withdrawn at any time – it’s an ongoing process, not a one off “yes” at the start of an encounter.

Some people suggest affirmative consent makes sex “awkward” or “formulaic”. We’re often asked if this means we need to have our partners sign a consent form at the beginning of an encounter.

Others say having to constantly “check in” with a partner can spoil the mood or remove the spontaneity of sex.

As New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords reminded us, ‘a kiss is not a contract’.

Not only does an affirmative model help to ensure your partner is actively consenting to sex, it can also help enhance pleasure and fun.

So how do you actually get consent?

Here are some ways you might approach consent under an affirmative model:

Ask your partner how they like to be touched, or what they would like to do. Questions like “how does that feel” or “would you like it if I did XXX” can help ascertain consent but also ensure sex is pleasurable!

Some companies have produced cards to help facilitate this conversation with a partner. Kink communities, such as BDSM groups, often have well-established protocols for talking about consent, and there’s arguably much we could learn from them.

Pay attention to all of the cues and forms of communication a partner is using. This includes what they say, but also their body language, gestures, noises, and emotional expression.

Gay couple cuddle in bed.

If a partner is passive, silent, crying, or looking upset, these are all red flags that they are not consenting. If there’s any doubt about whether your partner/s are into what’s happening, stop and check in with them again.

If you’re still unsure, it’s best to end the encounter.

Is the other person intoxicated or drug affected? If so, they might not legally be able to consent to sex. While some people do use alcohol or other drugs to enhance sexual pleasure (for example, in Chemsex), this is something that needs to be carefully negotiated.

Again, if in any doubt, it’s always best to stop.

Consider the context, and the nature of the relationship between yourself and your partner/s. For example, are you in a position of power over the other person/people? This could be on account of your age, gender, employment status and so on.

If the answer is “yes”, exercise caution. Is it possible the other person could feel pressured or unable to say no to you?

Two young people without shoes sit on a tiled floow.
If there’s any doubt about consent, stop and check in with your partner.

While research suggests non-verbal communication is the most common way people communicate consent, people can misinterpret non-verbal cues. So it’s best not to rely on reading non-verbal cues alone.

Try using verbal consent as well (or the use of sign language or written communication for people who are non-verbal). This doesn’t have to be awkward, or contractual, and consent can be communicated through dirty talk.

Asking a partner what they like also allows you to learn about their body and what feels good, rather than just guessing what they might find pleasurable.

Beyond affirmative consent

While affirmative consent certainly provides a better framework for sexual communication than just waiting for someone to say “no” (or simply assuming the other person consents), it also has limitations.

People may still affirmatively consent to sex they do not want for various reasons. Consenting to sex may be the safer option in an abusive relationship, for example. People also often engage in sex due to peer pressure or because they feel it is their duty as a partner.

Our sexual scripts and dominant gender norms can also make it difficult to enact affirmative consent in practice.

Young women, for example, are often socialised to be polite, compliant, and pleasing to others. Sexual double standards presenting women as “sluts” or “whores” for actively engaging in and enjoying sex persist. As a result, it can be difficult for some women to openly express their sexual wants and desires.

Woman sits on the end of a bed.
Some people are less able to say no.

Affirmative consent is less able to take into account the broader structural and social factors that make saying “yes” or “no” difficult, or that mean we sometimes “consent” to unwanted sex.

While affirmative consent is vital, you might also want to think about how you can ensure your partners feel comfortable and safe to express their needs, desires, and what feels good.

You also want to make sure they feel comfortable to say “no” at any time without any ramifications.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex and the Single Woman at 66

— Ageism and Sexism be Damned

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active.

by

It’s time we had a candid conversation about sex and the single senior, especially if you’re a woman.

Last month, I turned 66. I’ve had no age-defying surgeries. I have accepted—but will never embrace—the 10 extra pounds on my 5’1″ frame. Still, men haven’t exactly been running the other way.

One morning earlier this year, after we in the 65-and-older crowd were vaccinated, I received flirty texts from three male friends inviting me out. I smiled reading each one, but I didn’t text back. 

Like so many aging single women who like sex, I had succumbed to the double whammy of ageism and sexism. Engaging with any of these three men would require scheming, sneaking around and outright lying to my millennial daughters. It was exhausting.

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active. If they aren’t married or in a committed relationship, however, they likely have given up on sex. For many, the problem is a shortage of available good guys or the dreaded dry vagina. For others, it’s the tsk tsk of society—and family—that keeps us home, watching Netflix alone.

As a feminist of the 1970s who fought long and hard against sexism, including making the bedroom a level playing field, how can be stopped in my tracks by my own daughters?

I was divorced in 2016 and waited the recommended year before going online. Match.com served up a plethora of men who seemed too good to be true. Of course, in the end, they were. Still, I decided to indulge.

Despite my discretion, my daughters quickly caught on. The younger lived with me. The older was newly married and lived nearby. They didn’t hesitate to share their displeasure.

I was pouring coffee one morning after a post-divorce date when my younger daughter walked into the kitchen. I offered her my cup. She eyed me suspiciously.

“What?” I asked.

“You had sex last night.” She spat out the words and poured her own coffee. I was stunned. He left long before she came home, I thought. How could she know?

“I can see it all over your face. You look like someone who just had sex!”

Growing up Catholic, I learned early on you can sin to the high heavens as long as you are contrite and do your penance. I continued to seek and find the wonderfulness of a kiss, a caress, an orgasm on Saturday night, erasing the guilt by doing my daughters’ laundry on Monday morning.

For the next two years, I wore skinny jeans with heels and spent too much money on makeup brand Boom! By Cindy Joseph. I dated men who were 15 years younger and 10 years older. Some took me to wonderful restaurants, others to five-star hotels. We went dancing, to the movies and watched the moon’s reflection over Lake St. Clair. It wasn’t all Hollywood-like bliss, but it was close enough.

My daughters told me I was acting like a teenager. The younger continued to huff past me in the morning. The older told me she had no interest in meeting anyone. Ever.

The sting was not lessened by my therapist reminding me that children, regardless of age, have difficulty seeing their parents as sexual beings. Furthermore, she said, their reproach proved just how powerful the cultural messaging is against older women who don’t follow the rules.

Indeed, last year Harvard Health Publishing reported on attitudes toward sexuality: “Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

Eventually, my daughters wore me down. I took my profile down from Match.com and let my gray grow out. I used the pandemic, as so many people did, to pull in and reflect. I babysat my new granddaughter and built up my freelance writing business. I made dinner for my girls and son-in-law and watched The Office reruns with them.

“Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

As I pass from middle-aged to elderly, I think about how I will live out my final chapter—and with whom, if anyone. I have no clear vision of what’s ahead.

I do know, however, that sex is healthy, and I have no intention of calling it quits. Nor do I intend to apologize for it. I applaud the experts who shine a spotlight on the inequity of it all and propose solutions.

One such authority is Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, co-director of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center, and past president of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Health. She believes the way to change negative stereotyping of menopausal women starts with their doctors.

“Menopause and sexuality are not addressed in medical schools or residency,” she told me in a recent interview. “Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

On average, women enter menopause at 51 and live well past 80. That means many of us could spend one-third of our lives being censured if we dare to exert ourselves as sexual beings.

“Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

During the summer, I ran into a former colleague from my early newspaper days. He asked me to dinner. Then he invited me to go birdwatching. He arranged a bicycling outing and reintroduced me to old reporter pals.

A week ago, I invited him over to start the third season of The Kominsky Method. We were on the sofa getting cozy when my daughter came home early. She stomped into the house and, without saying hello, asked him to move his car.

He left immediately. This time, I glared at her.

“What?” she asked.

“That was rude,” I said. She started to object. I cut her off: “You don’t get to have a say in what I do and whom I see. Not anymore. I expect you to treat me and my friends cordially. Always.”

Kingsberg said I should have done that a long time ago. “Why, in any realm, should a woman feel bad about the fact that she is healthy and has a good strong desire? We should have fun and experience passion. To keep that going is something you should embrace.”

“It’s good you told your daughter to knock it off,” she said.

Now, we need to stand up to the rest of society and make it clear that our right to the “pursuit of happiness” includes pursuing pleasure, no matter our age, gender or preferred position.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Aftercare Isn’t Just Important In BDSM

The ritual is inculcated into those practicing BDSM, but for anyone else engaging in sexual relationships, it would do well to focus on aftercare, too.

By WH Staff

Many a rom-com has depicted that moment that immediately follows climax during sex. Audiences have laughed at the sight of partners rolling their sweaty body over, only to then reach for their phone and zone out as they begin another endless scroll on the Instagram feed. There are those who embrace for some time, and others who simply get up and stroll directly for the shower. It’s funny to watch because for most of us, we’ve been there: we’ve been with that person who wants nothing to do with us after sex, or alternatively had that partner who enjoys the post-sex cuddle as much as they do the main event. The fact remains, what happens after sex is just as important as it can leave many people feeling embarrassed or a sense of shame should such care be neglected.

It makes ‘aftercare’ a buzzword worth thinking about. In the world of BDSM, the practice of aftercare is something that is non-negotiable. It refers to a post-play ritual in which partners exchange physical or emotional comfort following an intense sexual experience. While it’s grounded in the assumption that such care is essential following kink play, it also is an important factor to consider in more vanilla sexual engagements, too.

Examples of aftercare include offering your partner a snack or something to drink, cuddling, giving them a compliment, having a good conversation, watching a movie, or even tending to any minor injuries that may have been sustained during BDSM play. It also offers a safe space to talk about what you might have enjoyed about the experience, as well as the things you might not have enjoyed. Ultimately, aftercare is dependent on the individuals at hand and varies depending on individual preferences.

As a way of nurturing your partner, it offers the chance to come down from the neurochemical high of BDSM, and avoid the low emotional state known as “drop” in kink circles. Given that BDSM is often more risky – physically and emotionally – and involves a higher level of vulnerability and trust, aftercare is seen as just an important part of it as establishing safe words. It offers protection and care, helping partners to ease back into normal consciousness, with grounded feelings of tenderness and affection.

With this in mind, aftercare is something we all can benefit from in casual sex. Regardless of what kind of sex you’re having, trust is imperative and good sex requires a level of vulnerability as we lower our inhibitions and seek to let go. It’s not uncommon then, for people to experience feelings of anxiety when it’s over, or simply feel a little down. As sexologist Gigi Engle explained in an interview with MindBodyGreen, “While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important.”

Engle added, “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Managing Expectations About Chemotherapy and Sex

by Angelica Bottaro

Chemotherapy and sex is a subject that many people may wonder about when they’re undergoing treatment, but oncologists rarely discuss sexuality and physical intimacy during chemotherapy with their patients.1

Since it’s not talked about, many people have a knowledge gap about the safety of sexual activity during cancer treatment and the ways in which their sexuality might be affected by it.

Read on to find out more about how chemotherapy can affect your sex life and how to stay physically intimate with your partner while undergoing cancer treatment.

Is Sex During Chemo Safe?

Having sex while you are undergoing chemotherapy (or chemo) is generally considered safe as long as certain precautions are taken. Patients receiving chemo can typically have sex, but they need to do their best to avoid situations that could affect their treatment or overall health.1

Infections

You may develop a low white blood cell count while you are undergoing chemo.2 This makes you more open to infections. Having sex if you have a lowered white blood cell count places you at risk for infections.

Chemotherapy can also decrease the number of cells that bind together in your blood (platelets) to help form blood clots and prevent excessive bleeding.

If you have sex and you have low blood platelets, you might experience bleeding that could be severe. You might also be more likely to bruise during intercourse if you have a low blood platelet count.3

When to Talk to Your Healthcare Provider

Ask your healthcare provider about getting blood tests to check your white blood cell and platelet counts to help determine if it’s safe for you to engage in sexual activity while you are undergoing chemotherapy.

Exposure

Chemotherapy drugs can make their way into saliva, semen, and vaginal secretions for up to three days following treatment. It is not clear whether chemotherapy medications can be passed sexually, but you might be more likely to expose a partner to the chemicals in chemotherapy medications if you are intimate during the first few days after treatment.

People who are not undergoing chemotherapy but who are exposed to chemotherapy medications may experience adverse health effects such as:4

  • Skin rashes
  • Sore throat
  • Chronic cough
  • Dizziness
  • Headaches
  • Eye irritation
  • Hair loss
  • Allergic reactions
  • Increased risk of developing cancer
  • Infertility
  • Miscarriage

Considerations

Depending on where the cancer is located, you might be told to avoid sex while the area is healing. For example, you might need to avoid sexual intercourse if the cancer is in your genital area, urinary tract, or rectum.

Chemotherapy may lead to painful intercourse (dyspareunia).5 You may not experience pain, but if you do, be sure to bring up this concern with your doctor. There are ways to address the pain and make intercourse more comfortable.5

One study in women being treated for breast cancer found that when they used a liquid lidocaine compress on their genital area prior to sexual intercourse, it helped treat the pain they had been having during sexual intimacy.5

Protection, Fertility, and Pregnancy

If you plan to have sex while you are receiving chemo and you could become pregnant, you need to use birth control. Getting pregnant during chemotherapy can be risky because the medication increases the chances of birth defects in the developing fetus during the first trimester.

Undergoing chemotherapy during the second and third trimesters has been associated with low birth weight and an increased risk of stillbirth.6

Getting Pregnant After Chemo

In some cases, chemo can cause infertility. However, many people do go on to have children after treatment.7

If you want to conceive and have recently had chemo, you should talk to your doctor about when it will be safe for you to stop using birth control and begin trying to get pregnant.

How Chemo Affects Libido 

Chemotherapy can disrupt your sex drive and cause low libido. While this side effect of treatment is rarely talked about, it can severely affect your intimate relationships.8

Sexual side effects are not seen with every type of treatment. They’re more often experienced by people who are being treated for specific cancers, such as prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and gynecological cancer, including cancers affecting the cervix, ovaries, and uterus.9

Chemotherapy medications, in particular, have been associated with a lowered libido and can affect a person’s libido in several ways, including:

  • Medication side effects: Chemotherapy has been shown to cause low libido. Other side effects such as nausea, vomiting, and fatigue can also contribute to a lower sex drive.10
  • Body Image: Chemotherapy side effects can affect a person’s body image because of weight loss or gain, and hair loss. A person may develop low self-esteem because of these changes, and the way that a person sees themselves has a lot to do with their desire to be intimate.11

Staying in Touch With Your Sexuality During Chemo

Although chemotherapy can hinder your ability or desire to stay intimate with your partner, there are things you can do to help improve the experience.

Open the Lines of Communication

If you no longer desire sexual intimacy but do not discuss the change with your partner, they may feel rejected and unloved. You will want to be open and honest with each other about how your treatment has affected the physical aspect of your relationship.

Having open communication can also help you brainstorm solutions to maintain a level of intimacy that is satisfactory to both you and your partner.

Partner Play

When you and your partner are ready to try being sexually intimate again, it’s important that you ease into it. Make use of any ideas you had in your earlier discussions.

Remember that there is more to physical intimacy than intercourse. Exploring new ways to be with someone physically can be a fun and exciting opportunity to reignite your desire for sexual touch. If you’re having pain, try different positions that make intercourse more comfortable.12

Going Solo 

Sometimes it might be difficult or undesirable to be intimate with someone else. When you are feeling this way, you might want to explore your sexuality independently.

According to the American Cancer Society, self-stimulation can help ease you back into sexual feelings as you are recovering from chemotherapy.

It can also help you identify any areas on your body that might be sore or tender. That way, when you do go to have sexual intercourse, you will be aware of what hurts and you can communicate about these sensitive areas beforehand.12

Resources

One resource that you might explore with a partner is couples counseling, which can give both you and a partner insight into how the other person is feeling about the current state of your physical relationship.

Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else mediate conversations if the topic is sensitive. In this case, a sex therapist could help you identify and fix obstacles that have been preventing you from expressing yourself sexually.

Seeking out a therapist who can help you overcome any body image challenges that you have after cancer treatment can help you rebuild your self-esteem. This, in turn, could increase your drive to be physically intimate.

According to the American Psychological Association, there are many avenues that you can explore to help address lowered libido and sexual dysfunction caused by chemotherapy.13

For example, you might try mindfulness-based approaches, psychotherapy, and couples therapy with a partner.

Summary

Sexual dysfunction is a side effect of chemotherapy that can cause a person to feel worse about themselves, which may result in problems in romantic relationships.

Aside from the physical changes that may come with treatment, such as lowered libido, having sex while you are undergoing chemo can also pose extra health risks, making it even more difficult to participate in.

If you are having chemotherapy, you should express your desires, needs, and concerns about sex to your healthcare providers to ensure that they can help you regain your sexual life after treatment. Your provider might also be able to help you connect with a sex or couples therapist.

A Word From Verywell

Dealing with a lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship can be tough, but it can be even more difficult if it’s the result of an already stressful situation like cancer treatment.

You might find it challenging to help your partner understand what you’re going through. Not being able to be physically intimate with them may put a strain on your relationship.
Know that you can have sex while undergoing chemotherapy as long as your healthcare provider says that it’s safe and you understand the precautions that you need to take to keep things safe.

Communicating openly with your partner, exploring new ways to be physically intimate, and asking your doctor any questions you have about physical intimacy during chemotherapy can all help you maintain the physical aspect of your relationship with your partner and yourself both during treatment and when you are recovering from it.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Should you wait to have sex after chemotherapy?

    Some people are advised to avoid sex while they are having treatment, but this is not the case for everyone. Ask your healthcare provider about whether it is safe for you to have sex during your treatment.

  • Can you still become aroused during chemo?

    Although it’s possible to lose your libido during chemotherapy, not everyone will experience this side effect. If you do, there are still ways to become aroused while your desire for sexual intercourse is low.

    For example, playing out fantasies in your head, practicing different forms of intimacy with or without a partner, and fostering good self-esteem can all be helpful.

  • What should you avoid after chemotherapy?

    When you’ve reached the end of treatment, you might be ready to jump back into sexual intimacy—but there are a few things to be aware of.

    For example, if you get pregnant shortly after you are done with treatment, there is a risk that the fetus will have birth defects. If you are able to become pregnant, you will probably be on birth control during treatment to help prevent this.

    After you’re done with chemo, talk to your healthcare provider if you are planning to resume sexual activity and wish to go off birth control, especially if you would like to try to conceive.

  • How long after chemo can you have a baby?

    Getting pregnant shortly after chemotherapy comes with risks for the developing fetus. Some health experts believe that you should wait at least six months after finishing your treatment to begin trying for a baby. Other health experts have said that two to five years is the optimal time to wait before getting pregnant after you’ve had chemotherapy.

    Discuss your posttreatment conception plans with your healthcare provider, as they will be able to give you the best recommendation based on your situation.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘I’m in a sex-free relationship and I’ve never been happier’

Sex is seen as the bedrock of a healthy relationship, but is it possible to maintain intimacy – and happiness – without it?

Will sex-free relationships work?

By Rosie Mullender

Olivia*, 40, can’t wait to marry her fiancé Noah*, 42. Yet the couple have what’s officially termed a “sex-free relationship”.

They’re sexually intimate less than once a year – and not even being at home together 24/7 during the pandemic lockdown changed that.

“Like most couples, when we first met, Noah and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” Olivia tells Body+Soul.

“But things gradually slowed down; after a year or so, they’d practically stopped. Neither of us has a very high sex drive, so we weren’t unhappy about it. But although we were comfortable discussing the issue, we used to worry it meant we weren’t compatible. Surely if we really loved each other, we’d want to have sex?”

The couple sought the advice of a counsellor.

“They told us a relationship can thrive even without sex, as long as we’re intimate in other ways,” Olivia says.

“Since then, we’ve felt much more relaxed about it. We check in regularly, to make sure we’re both happy, but the conclusion is always the same: nope, still not in the mood.”

Although Olivia’s case is fairly extreme, the stress of the pandemic has impacted sex lives around the world.

The amount of sex we’re having has declined as a direct result of global lockdowns, while even before the pandemic, young Australians were having less sex than other demographics, with 40 per cent of 18-24s reporting “never” having sex in the ABC’s 2019 Australia Talks survey.

So what happens if, like Olivia, your relationship involves no sex at all?

Is it possible to maintain intimacy even without the one ingredient most of us would agree cements a healthy adult relationship?

“Yes, it is – if both people agree or accept it,” Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, tells Body+Soul.

“Looking at the media, you may believe that the best relationships are full of passion and hot sex all the time, which can influence how people judge their own relationships. But what really matters is how a couple defines intimacy. It needs to be what suits them and what they can both live with.”

Problems are most likely to arise, says Shaw, when your sex lives aren’t fully in sync, with one person in the relationship wanting more sex than the other.

“Sexual appetite varies from person to person and, at times, you might agree it isn’t a very important aspect of your relationship and accept it as a smaller part of your connection,” she explains.

“Often, however, one person is driving the decision and that means you need to actively work to reach a common understanding – a discussion that may also need to be revisited over time. Once a couple stops having sex, you can start to feel like flatmates or friends rather than intimately involved, so it’s important that there’s genuine acceptance about it, even if you’re not in complete agreement.”

As for Olivia, she’s found that the stresses of the pandemic have brought her and Noah emotionally closer – even without the bonding powers of sex.

“I’m still excited about marrying Noah, and having lived through the pandemic together, we’re closer than ever,” she says.

“We bond through emotional chats, mutual support, lots of cuddling and holding hands in bed as we fall asleep. We’re definitely more than just good friends – we just aren’t that interested in sex.”

And as sex-free partnerships go, Shaw says they’re approaching things the right way.

“A couple who have agreed not to have sex can still show their connection in a range of ways,” Shaw explains.

“The secret to a healthy relationship that doesn’t include sex is working at the intimacy and connection that still defines you as a couple.”

*Names have been changed.

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Here’s How To Be Submissive In Bed If You’re New To BDSM

“Power play” is your new BFF.


By Emma Glassman-Hughes

It seems you could hardly crack a whip in the last decade without hitting a mainstream depiction of BDSM. Fifty Shades Of Grey eviscerated book sales and box office records; Rihanna’s ode to “chains and whips” peaked at number two on Billboard’s 2011 charts; Netflix’s Bonding gives dominatrixes a manic-pixie makeover. All that exposure to kink, power play, and BDSM (an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) may have you wanting to explore some elements of the practice yourself. Whether you want to try bondage, new props, role-playing, or being more dominant or submissive in bed, the numbers of BDSM-curious folks like yourself are steadily climbing.

Of the 2,000 adults surveyed in 2018 by sex toy brand EdenFantasys, one in four consider themselves kinky and are looking to explore new sex acts. Of that 25%, 14% said they wanted to incorporate dominance and submission into their partnered play — they just weren’t sure how to bring up the subject. Similarly, in 2021, dating app OkCupid tells Elite Daily they found a 17% increase in BDSM terms in women’s user profiles, and a 44% increase in similar terms in men’s user profiles. OkCupid also found an overall 14% increase in users who say they are “open to trying new things in bed” during the pandemic.

Psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy in Montreal, says these numbers likely rose throughout the pandemic because forced isolation prompted many partners to rewrite their sexual scripts and deconstruct their pre-existing power dynamics.

Why Is Submission So Hot?

Submission is widely misunderstood and misrepresented, according to Luterman. “Submission doesn’t just mean being able to bend over, or get on your knees, or do all of these hot things that you see in porn, and have it be arousing,” she tells Elite Daily. Instead, she says, submission is sexy because of the narrative ascribed to it.

“You don’t have to fantasize about sweeping floors, but if your beautiful person comes over to you and says, ‘I want to watch you sweep this floor. Take your clothes off, I want to watch your body while you do this for me,’ you may find it really interesting to sweep that floor,” Luterman says. “It’s not the act, it’s the dynamic.”

Luterman makes the point that, in a pre-internet age, most people could just pick up a Playboy and be perfectly aroused. A static (albeit very hot) image was enough. But now, “people need a story to motivate their arousal more than ever.” Power play and BDSM, especially dominance and submission, offer people an avenue to engage their imaginations and act out their fantasies.

Subs Have The Power

Another misconception about submission is that it’s an expression of disrespect, Luterman says. Instead, she says, submission is based on “unconditional respect” and a “belief that your pleasure is of equal or greater importance to the partner you’re playing with.”

Jasmine Johnson, a Florida-based licensed clinical therapist and self-described “adult entertainer and sex educator committed to decolonizing sex,” puts it another way. “One of the most important things for a submissive to know is that they have all of the power in the dynamic,” she says. Even if your goal in practicing submission is to give up the power, your role as a sub is to recognize that you have power to begin with, and “it’s yours to give, to submit, and to relinquish to your partner. It’s a give and take.”

Dominance and submission look different for every partnership, but at its core, Luterman says “dominance is not domineering, it’s nurturance.” As a sub, your dom should be “a person who — no matter how they choose to pleasure you, or what props you use, or what story you’re going to use as a motivator for that erotic scene — is very aware of your wellbeing and is attuned to what it is that you’re after sexually and erotically.”

“To use the archetypal image of submission, it doesn’t have to be on your knees somewhere, or you looking up,” Luterman says. “The scene may actually look dominant; a woman who’s been afraid of getting on top all her life, maybe because she’s a bigger woman, may actually feel great pride in feeling nurtured into her pleasure, and moved by the person beneath her, who’s a really good dominant.”

Other misconceptions about BDSM abound: Subs don’t solely give pleasure while doms receive it; the pleasure-giving should be mutual, even if it looks imbalanced from the outside. Also, sub/dom relationships do not have to incorporate sadism or masochism — or include pain at all — unless all partners are aroused by it.

Subs Need Clear Boundaries


Despite popular depictions, sub/dom relationships don’t follow a formula; a sub needs to first determine for themselves how they want to submit — and what their boundaries are — before they can start practicing with a partner.

Luterman says the first step to incorporating submission into your relationship is to communicate your desire to play with power in your sex life. Tell your partner you want to see what it feels like to not be allowed to do things, or to not allow them to do things. If your partner is receptive, the next step is learning how to articulate the fantasy you have in your head. She suggests asking yourself what it is you want, how you want to be seen by your partner, and what you can take from past sexual experiences to fuel your next encounter.

Similarly, Johnson tells clients in the early stages of experimenting with submission to identify the power that they have and the power they’d like to relinquish.

“Is it your body? What parts of your body?” she asks. “Is it your mind? What aspects of your psyche do you want to offer to your partner? By creating that framework, it allows dominants and submissives to be safe, and the submissive is now prepared to do some work.”

Without putting in that work beforehand, Johnson says the sub/dom encounter will fail. “If I ask a submissive, ‘What are your boundaries?’ and they go, ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ or ‘do whatever you want,’ that’s a red flag for a dominant. You have to develop those boundaries. A dominant won’t create those for you.”

Johnson says by practicing submission without a clear idea of your own needs, you’re not only setting yourself up for a less fulfilling exchange, but you’re putting yourself in danger. “What we don’t want is for a submissive to go into a dynamic where they say ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ but they end up discovering those boundaries by crossing them,” she says. “Those boundaries get created for you out of bad things happening. So self-exploration is important.”

Before you take your sub/dom fantasy to a partner, Johnson recommends familiarizing yourself with your own boundaries and pleasure first — perhaps by way of something she calls “self-domination,” to get an idea of the things you might like.“If I’m doing a session with a client and they say they like to be spanked, I’ll go, ‘Where? How hard?’ And they’re like, ‘I don’t know, whatever you want,’” Johnson says. “So I say go ahead and slap yourself the way you like to be slapped.”

When you do eventually introduce the idea of power play to your partner, Luterman suggests that you take it slow. “Incorporate dress rehearsals where you can dialogue, for example, what parts of your body are absolute ‘no’s; what parts of your body are experimental, ‘let’s see how it goes’ regions; what parts are ‘yes, please,’” she says.

Submission Can Be Freeing

People fantasize about submission for any number of reasons. Luterman says many peopleare drawn to submission because it’s clinically effective in the treatment of anorgasmia. “A lot of girls in their early 20s don’t have partnered orgasms very easily,” Luterman says. “They don’t feel comfortable incorporating vibration yet, or they feel like they’re responsible for their partner’s ego during sex so it has to be all manual.” But, she says, asking a partner to dominate you a bit in the situation can make a massive difference.

“Say something like, ‘If you tell me I’m not allowed to, or restrain my hands a little bit while you give me clitoral stimulation, then I think I may feel less responsibility to make it happen for myself.’”

“If you incorporate a little bit of power play, you reduce the responsibility sense, you reduce the fear that a person has to perform as they feel they’re expected to,” she continues. “There’s going to be an essence of that encounter that’s going to help you get out of your comfort zone and leave you feeling less vulnerable afterwards.”

In this way, the most powerful sub/dom relationships can be transformative. “A good dom will say, ‘You’re going to do this for me. We’re going to take care of you,’” Luterman says. “I see a lot of bold moves come from healthy dominant/submissive relationships.”

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How to Communicate New Sexual Boundaries to Your Partner

By Gigi Engle

Sex and our preferences for certain kinds of sex acts change all the time. This is a fact of life for many people.

What worked for you for years may suddenly not be your thing anymore—and that’s totally OK. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a sex therapist and host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody that our desires are the product of a variety of bio-psycho-social systems. “Since these systems are always evolving, it is only expected for human desires and preferences to change, as well,” she explains.

But how do you share this with a partner? For example, maybe you’re super into spanking—and then one day you realize you’re not so into spanking anymore.

There aren’t any guidelines on how you let a partner in on this information. Like, “Hey, babe. You know how I love when you hit my ass so hard you leave marks? Yeah, I hate that now.” Not so cute-sounding, huh? This applies to all sexual activities. Maybe you’re a bottom and now you’d like to be a top (or verse), perhaps you used to enjoy a certain kind of pattern during oral and now don’t, or perhaps you used to enjoy rough sex and now you aren’t as comfortable with that dynamic. This is all boundary-related.

We need to build a language to have these conversations with empathy and respect to avoid rejection, hurt feelings, and feeling ignored—or even violated.

While this article may sound like it’s geared more toward people who are in sexual/romantic relationships (as these are usually the types of relationships that need this kind of re-negotiation), all of these guidelines can be used for all kinds of relationships. No matter the type of relationship you’re currently in, we all need this information. The reality is, as with all things related to sexuality, boundaries are fluid and shift all the time.

In September, we published a five-step guide to communicating with a partner. Here’s how to communicate with your partner about new sexual boundaries when you’ve found they’ve changed.

1. Consider the Impact Staying Silent Can Have on You and the Relationship.

If you’re feeling anxious about discussing your new boundaries, remember that keeping this under lock and key could be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and personal well-being—no matter how casual or serious the relationship itself is. “If you continue to engage in an activity that you no longer enjoy, it will impact your enthusiasm around sex and, in turn, your relationship,” Moali says.

What’s more, you could wind up feeling violated. When we engage in sex we don’t want, it begins to erode our sense of safety. This can lead to bigger issues in our lives, such as anxiety and depression. Don’t fall into this trap. Speaking up is a must.

2. Obtain Consent for the Conversation.

Kristen Tribby, a certified sex educator and head of marketing and education at FUN FACTORY, advises couples who don’t regularly discuss sex as part of their communication practice to consider opening the conversation to a general discussion of sex to get comfortable with the topic.

However, to do this ethically, you need permission to initiate such a vulnerable discussion. The way to ask? Try: “Are you in a place right now to discuss our sex life? I think it would be really beneficial for us to have a check-in.”

Once you feel comfortable talking about sex openly, you can get into the meatier topic of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily “difficult” to talk about, we simply don’t have as much practice discussing them as we do, say, how our dickhead boss is being a dickhead again.

3. Have the Conversation Outside of the Bedroom.

Conversations about sex shouldn’t take place during sex. This is a golden rule for getting what you want in the bedroom. Why? Because being naked and sexy with someone is very vulnerable. The last thing you want to hear is something negative.

Consequently, Moali suggests keeping discussions about all things sex outside of the bedroom.

Make sure to figure out a convenient time and place so that everyone can be prepared and ready to go. “Oftentimes, people bring up the conversation at a time [when] their partner is preoccupied or in a rush. This jeopardizes their chance of being heard,” Moali says.

4. Having the Talk: Start With the Positive Things, Then Move on to the More Loaded Topics.

Being in a relationship (serious or otherwise) requires taking any conversation about sex with a heavy dose of empathy. We’re all just humans who are doing our best. The thing is, your partner won’t be aware that your boundaries have changed unless you tell them, because they are not a mind reader. However, it would be irresponsible to say that there is no way they won’t react negatively to this topic because it’s both loaded and can feel like a personal attack in a world so devoid of basic sexuality education.

So, to mitigate the possibility of hurt feelings, Tribby suggests starting with the positive aspects of your sex life before hitting your partner with newfound boundaries. You might start by saying: “I like it when you [do] X thing” or “It was so sexy when you did X.”

Then, focus on the things you’d like to change. “Make your comment on the thing you don’t like, [focusing] your attention on the act and not on the person or their technique,” Tribby says.

Two simple ways to approach the topic of boundaries, compliments of Tribby:

  • “You know, I think I’m not into spanking anymore, but I’m really into that new thing you did to me the other night.”
  • “Spanking isn’t really my thing anymore, but I think it would be fun to try something new, like XYZ.”

Lastly, invite the person to share their own ideas on things that would be hot for both of you. Compromise is always key when it comes to having great sex.

5. Set Up Monthly “Sexual Health Dates.”

Once you establish a way into these discussions, turn it into a habit. Sexual wellness is as important in relationships as anything else, yet we tend to throw it right on the old back burner the minute life gets rocky.

Moali suggests making a monthly check-in a must-have, even going so far as to have it set in stone on the Google calendar. “During these dates, couples can discuss what is working for them, what they want more of, and what activities are not giving them pleasure anymore,” she explains. “If you get into the habit of checking in with each other on a regular basis, it will be easier long term to give and receive honest feedback.”

“Sexual relationships thrive on clear communication, so this could be a good chance to grow even closer,” Tribby says.

Communication is lubrication, friends. And if you clearly communicate your boundaries and your partner refuses to respect them, well, then it’s time to say “Bye, bye, boo!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

When dating interracially, some Black people say that code-switching, a common practice of adapting the way they look, speak or act in different social settings, comes as second nature.

Remy Barnwell struggled with being her authentic self when she first started dating her boyfriend Ben Podnar in 2020. She concealed her afro for 6 months before sharing her natural hair texture with Mr. Podnar.

By Brianna Holt

Last September, when Remy Barnwell, 26, started dating Ben Podnar, who is white, she was hesitant to wear her hair in its natural state. As a Black woman, she was uncertain of how he would respond to her tightly coiled strands.

On her first date with Mr. Podnar, Ms. Barnwell, a tax attorney in Washington, D.C., arrived wearing box braids that concealed her natural Afro. Six months would pass before she let Mr. Podnar see her kinky coils.

“I definitely noticed the first time she took her braids out and I remember her being very concerned about how I would feel,” said Mr. Podnar, 29, an audience development director for the Center for American Progress in Washington.

Ms. Barnwell, who said straightening her hair since childhood “reinforced the idea that my natural hair was not enough,” was pleasantly surprised at Mr. Podnar’s response to her Afro. “At first I was really nervous, but he was immediately obsessed with it, which was a relieving and satisfying moment,” she said.

“I know a lot of people in her life have criticized her tight coils, so it’s especially been nice getting to see her feel that attraction from me no matter how she wears her hair,” added Mr. Podnar, who said he likes all of the different ways Ms. Barnwell styles her hair.

Hair isn’t the only thing Ms. Barnwell said she has toned down when getting to know someone who is not Black. She won’t play soul music, wears clothes that don’t expose her curves and avoids using African American Vernacular English, commonly known as Ebonics, in conversations.

“I also wore my Birkenstocks to my first date with Ben, which I’d never wear on a first date with a nonwhite man,” Ms. Barnwell said.

The alteration of hairstyles, clothes, and interests in order to gain social acceptance and limit the risk of falling victim to bias is a form of code-switching, a term that refers to the common practice of adapting or altering speech, dialect, look or behavior depending on the social setting.

Ms. Barnwell and other Black people say code-switching is common when they date interracially because first impressions determine if a second date is in the cards.

Joseph Lamour, 38, a journalist and illustrator who lives in Washington, said it wasn’t until a white boyfriend confronted him about his change in vernacular that he realized he altered his speech.

“We were driving to Boston and got a little lost, so I asked a Black person on the corner for directions,” said Mr. Lamour, who is Black. When he rolled his car’s window back up, Mr. Lamour said his then-boyfriend, a white man, asked why his voice changed when he spoke to the man. “I hadn’t even noticed I did it, but then he did an impression of it and it all came full circle,” he said, and added: “It’s kind of like a job interview where you sort of make yourself more corporate-sounding in order to seem more standard so that a second date can happen.”

Mr. Lamour, who said he mostly dates white men, later realized he code-switches in other ways when meeting someone who isn’t Black for the first time. “When I’m going on a first date, I consciously put on clothes that make me appear to be a Don Lemon-type instead of a 50 Cent-type — even though I have both types of clothing,” he said.

For Black people and other minority groups, code-switching is a way of existing within multiple worlds at once by repressing their authentic selves while playing up behavior seen as acceptable by a majority.

While a person of any race may adapt their authentic self to make a good impression on a date, this switch in behavior is often more prominent in interracial or interethnic relationships.

“The greater the perceived distance, cultural difference, or racial difference between the two people involved, the more code switching is likely to occur,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociologist and professor at N.Y.U.

Breuna Westry, 24, who lives in Austin, Texas, and works as an assistant marketing director for Clinical Compensation Consultants, said she mostly dates white men. Originally from New Orleans, Ms. Westry, who is Black, said she uses a vocabulary that is authentic to the Black community in her hometown. However, she said she consciously changes her vocabulary when going on a date with someone who isn’t Black.

“The slang is ingrained in me. I say things like ‘yes’m’ which is a total Southern, Black country term,” Ms. Westry said. “But sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t necessarily use certain phrases around the white guys I date.”

She said her mother’s use of Southern slang has also made her anxious about introducing her family to that of a prospective partner who isn’t Black.

“My mom is in her 60s and old-school, from Mobile, Alabama,” said Ms. Westry. “She feels comfortable in the way that she talks and I would never want somebody to judge her intellect level or anything based on that, because my mom’s a smart nurse.”

In the United States, the application of code-switching outside of linguistics is historically and culturally Black.

In his book “The Souls of Black Folk,” first published in 1903, W.E.B. Dubois described such behavior as “a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.”

But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Black academics began using the term code-switching to describe their interactions and relationships with white people.

Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles-based sex and relationship educator, who is Black, Indian, and white, said many Black Americans see code-switching as an obligation, rather than a choice.

“Code-switching is speaking specifically to Black people who have to assimilate, or feel that they have to assimilate, to white culture in order to receive success,” Ms. Boodram said, including “a romantic potential with somebody” who is white.

“There are so many negative stereotypes associated with blackness: if you dress a certain way, look a certain way, or if your hair is a certain way, you get lumped into what is perceived as ‘urban culture,’ and that’s not seen as professional,” Ms. Boodram added. “And maybe for some people, that’s not seen as the person that you want to bring home to mom.”

Black women in particular resort to code-switching when dating because of the bias they often face, a result of being stereotyped as angry and discontent, hypersexualized and lacking positive representation in TV and film. This bias has led to Black women being the least contacted on dating apps and facing the most racial and sexual discrimination in online dating settings.

“If we’re talking about interracial dating, specifically about Black women, they might ask, ‘Do I feel comfortable with showing myself to this person that maybe has their own preconceived notions about Black women? Is there some eroticism or thoughts around what it means to date me as a person?’” said Camille Lester, a relationship therapist based in New York, who is Black.

“Everybody, when they’re dating, puts on some type of mask and then the longer you’re with someone, or the closer you allow yourself to get, you take off pieces of that mask,” Ms. Barnwell said, adding: “It’s especially difficult to take off pieces of that mask when you’re a Black woman because we’re already the least appreciated.”

While code-switching might be the thing that gets someone a second date, those who acknowledge doing it said it wasn’t a long-term strategy. Mr. Lamour said that, lately, he has been interested in dating only people who are comfortable with his authentic self.

“I’ve been getting more comfortable with myself and therefore the person that I’m going to be with is going to have to be comfortable with me, because I am,” he said.

Ms. Barnwell had a similar realization. “I finally got to a place where I didn’t really want to spend the time or money to get my hair braided again,” she said of the moment she decided to let Mr. Podnar see her natural hair. “I was like, ‘OK, am I going to let my white boyfriend see me with my Afro?’ And I really had to tell myself this was dumb, and if he sees me in my Afro and he hates it, then we simply should just break up.”

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Is It Normal to Experience Loss of Desire After a Vasectomy?

by James Roland

A vasectomy is a minor surgical procedure that blocks sperm from mixing with semen. This prevents someone with a penis from getting someone pregnant.

It’s a common method of contraception that about 500,000 men in the United States choose every year. You may still wonder if a vasectomy hurts since it requires incisions in the scrotum.

Like any type of surgery, there is the likelihood of some pain and discomfort. However, vasectomy pain is usually minor, temporary, and easily treated.

A vasectomy is a relatively quick and simple procedure that’s performed by a urologist. It may be done in a urologist’s office, or at a hospital or surgery center.

Because the goal of a vasectomy is to be sterile, it’s a procedure that requires careful consideration — not just about the nature of the surgery and recovery, but what it means for the future.

It’s also important to remember that a vasectomy should have no long-term impact on sexual function.

Procedure

A vasectomy is usually performed with local anesthesia, but it may be done under full sedation. If you’re especially nervous about this procedure — or if another surgery is being done at the same time — then full sedation may be appropriate.

Prior to the surgery, your scrotal area will be prepped by shaving and cleaning it with an antiseptic wash. You may be asked to shave that area around the scrotum — but not the scrotum itself — the night before your procedure.

If you’re having local anesthesia, you’ll receive a shot in the scrotum, which numbs the area and prevents pain. The injection will hurt a little, but soon you won’t feel any pain. You may be able to sense tension or movement during the surgery, but no pain.

During a conventional vasectomy, the doctor will make two small incisions in the scrotum to access the vas deferens.

After the incisions are made, the urologist will cut the ends of each of two vas deferens and tie them off or place tissue where the cuts were made. This blocks sperm from flowing up through the vas deferens.

Another method, called cautery, may be used instead of dividing the vas deferens. The surgeon will burn the inside of the vas deferens with a special tool to promote scar tissue formation.

Dissolvable stitches may be used to close the incisions. In some cases, no stitches are used and the scrotum is allowed to heal on its own. The entire procedure takes about 20 minutes, and after a brief recovery period, you can go home the same day.

Once the anesthesia wears off, you can expect some pain in your scrotum. You may notice some slight swelling and bruising. These reactions should last only a few days. After that, your scrotum should look as it did before your vasectomy.

To help treat the pain, wear snug (but not too tight) underwear to restrict your testicles from moving too much.

An ice pack may also help. Many people opt for something more flexible that will fit around the scrotum, such as a bag of frozen peas. Over-the-counter pain relievers may also help during those first few days.

You should avoid heavy physical exertion for about a week. You may be able to have sexual intercourse after a few days, but if you experience pain or discomfort, wait a week or until you are symptom-free.

Be sure to listen to instructions from your doctor about aftercare, and ask questions if you need clarity.

Follow-up

Pregnancies after vasectomies are rare — only about 1 to 2 women out of 1,000 get pregnant within a year after a partner’s vasectomy. But it’s important to follow up your procedure by having a semen sample checked for sperm.

This is usually done about 8 weeks or 20 ejaculations after the vasectomy. During that time, you’ll want to use an alternative form of contraception.

You’ll need to follow up with your doctor after a vasectomy makes sure that the procedure was successful. Other than that, there’s not normally a need to keep following up.

The pain you feel in the hours and days right after a vasectomy should gradually fade, but if you notice the pain getting worse, notify your doctor. The same is true if you notice swelling that doesn’t subside.

Bleeding complications are rare, but if you notice bleeding from the incision, call your doctor. If you see pus coming from that area or experience a fever over 100°F (37.78°C), don’t hesitate to call your doctor, as these may be signs of an infection.

In 1 to 2 percentTrusted Source of vasectomies, a rare condition called post-vasectomy pain syndrome (PVPS) occurs.

PVPS is defined as scrotal pain that is constant or intermittent over a period of at least 3 months. In many cases, the pain flares up during or after sexual activity, or after vigorous physical activity.

You may also experience pain, which may be sharp or throbbing, without any activity triggering it. Sometimes, PVPS appears soon after a vasectomy, but it may also develop months or even years later.

The causes of PVPS aren’t yet well understood, but they may include:

  • nerve damage
  • pressure within the scrotum
  • scar tissue affecting the vas deferens
  • epididymitis, which is an inflammation of the epididymis

Treatment

One way to treat PVPS is with a vasectomy reversal, which restores the ability to have children.

One 2017 studyTrusted Source suggests that vasectomy reversal is the most “logical” solution to PVPS, assuming that scar tissue or other obstruction in the vas deferens is the cause of pain. While uncommon, surgery to free an entrapped nerve may also be an option.

In recent years, an alternative to traditional vasectomies has become popular. It’s known as a no-scalpel vasectomy.

This involves a small poke in the scrotum to open it up just enough to pull the vas deferens through. A cut is made of the vas deferens, which are then allowed to retreat back through the hole.

The recovery time is shorter for a scalpel-free vasectomy, and the risk of bleeding problems and complications is lower compared to a conventional vasectomy.

The scalpel-free approach is newer, and recommended by the American Urological Association. Many newer urologists will have training in this technique.

Though a vasectomy is a procedure performed on an especially sensitive part of the body, it’s not an operation that causes a lot of pain or lingering discomfort.

If you’re planning to have a vasectomy, just have some ice or a frozen bag of peas available when you get home, and relax for a few days. If you notice any complications or lingering pain, you should notify your doctor immediately.

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A Better Way to Write About Sex

Works that question how we think about love and desire: Your weekly guide to the best in books

By Kate Cray

J. H. Kellogg may be best known for his popular cereal brand, but his legacy includes much more than just breakfast. The inventor of corn flakes was also a health activist who lobbied aggressively for controversial practices—including painful and extreme measures to prevent masturbation. As the book Sex in America argues, the breakfast magnate’s campaign against self-pleasure cast the normal and healthy activity as taboo, just like many of the other anti-sex forces that had dominated the country for centuries.

But those forces couldn’t persist forever. In recent years, an attitude of sex positivity has become the norm, counteracting this long-standing culture of shame. Sex actually is good, the new thinking goes, and people should be having more of it (with consent, of course). Still, although the empowering philosophy has expanded our understanding of sexuality (and is infinitely preferable to a culture of shame), its liberating power has sometimes been hindered by the simplistic way many people apply it. “Positive” may be too one-note of an outlook on something as messy and complicated as sex.

For one, not everyone wants sex. As the journalist Angela Chen explores in her book Ace, our culture’s obsession with sexual attraction can leave those with different experiences feeling abnormal or as though they have a problem that needs to be solved. Even those who do crave sex don’t crave all sex or all sexual experiences. The broad defense for any critiques of our sexual attitudes seems to be consent: If everyone involved said yes, then there can’t be a problem. But this framework is inherently limited, the academic Katherine Angel writes in Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again, as it ignores the power dynamics that sometimes restrict the freedom of our choices. We need a standard for communication that goes beyond mere agreement.

Talking about any of this can seem impossible. Sex positivity does mandate openness, but as shows like Netflix’s Sex Education demonstrate, that forthrightness often seems to permeate only conversations that celebrate sex—not those that question or complicate it. But nuanced and caring discussions about the topic do exist. One place to find them is in romance novels. The genre may have its roots in bodice rippers, many of which cast scenes of rape as romantic, but new writers are aware of these past failings—and are eager to do better. As the author Jasmine Guillory told my colleague Hannah Giorgis in 2018, she aims to write characters who respect each other and who seek not just consent but enthusiasm. In doing so, she is charting a better way to write about love and desire.

What We’re Reading

illustration of a bird and a bee

Why are young people having so little sex?

“Signs are gathering that the delay in teen sex may have been the first indication of a broader withdrawal from physical intimacy that extends well into adulthood.”

crowd of people

The limits of sex positivity

“As American culture has become more expansive in its understanding of sexuality, so has sex therapy. But this kind of sex positivity often doesn’t leave room for those who don’t want sex at all.”

Silhouette of female torso in pink over profile of face in green and shape of a hand with photo of woman's nose and lips

The problem with being cool about sex

“Half a century after the sexual revolution and the start of second-wave feminism, why are the politics of sex still so messy, fraught, and contested?”

Stills from 'Sex Education,' 'Sex: Unzipped,' and 'Sex, Love, and Goop'

Where sex positivity falls short

“The catch of a faultlessly sex-positive universe in which everyone’s up for everything is that there isn’t much space to explore what happens when they’re not.”

illustration of two people on a background printed with Cupid's arrows

How to write consent in romance novels

“[Jasmine] Guillory is particularly skilled at writing the men who woo her novels’ female protagonists with compassion and empathy … Guillory’s male leads aren’t perfect, but they’re unwavering in their respect for the women at the center of these stories.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Think before you sext

— The experts’ guide to teen dating

‘Once you know that you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them’.

From first kisses to ghosting, dating can be a minefield for young people. Here’s how to have a happy, healthy romance

By

Take things offline

Teen relationships often start online, so how do you progress to a real-world date? The first step is to make your chat more meaningful, says Charlene Douglas, an intimacy coach and sexual health educator. “Online, young people can banter for hours, so try to move the conversation on. Rather than just talking about celebs, or who said what at school, bring those situations back to what you have in common.”

Then introduce voice messaging and video calls, “to see if you really like the vibe of a person and to check they’re human”, says Hardeep Dhadda, presenter of the relationships podcast Thank You, Next. Her co-presenter, Raj Pander, suggests watching something at the same time on Netflix. Then: “Once you know you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them.”

Put safety first

Be sure they are who they say they are (Pander suggests checking tagged pics on Instagram), and meet in a public place, telling someone when and where you’re meeting. Pander says: “Not everyone is a serial killer, but it’s good practice to act as if they could be.”

Manage your emotions

Butterflies in your stomach? Heart racing? “It’s normal to feel that way,” says Chloe Goddard McLoughlin, a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. “Just tell the other person that you’re nervous, because I guarantee they will be as well.”

Pander, who is 37 and a self-confessed shy dater, says: “I plan a phone call with a friend before so they can prep me. We always have a contingency plan if anything gets weird, so if I text them they’ll call me so I can pretend there’s an emergency and leave.”

Be chatty

“Try to keep it light and talk about things you’re passionate about, as when you do that, your whole energy lights up,” says Douglas. Dhadda agrees: “If you like something – animals, sustainable fashion or Billie Eilish – let your date know. How can someone get to know you if you’re holding back or pretending to be someone else?” But there are no-nos: “If someone brought up sex on a first date, I’d be put off.”

Know how to end a date

“Be polite,” says Dhadda. “Consider their feelings, as they may have had the best time ever.” Pander agrees: “Tell them you had fun – even if you didn’t – look at the time and say you’d better be off.” If they message asking to meet again, be honest but respectful. Douglas recommends replying: “You’re a great person but I just don’t think we’re suited.”

Don’t sweat your first kiss

“It’s part of our cultural mythology that the first kiss is the best, but for most people it’s pretty average, so don’t sweat it,” says Goddard McLoughlin. Remember, a kiss should only happen when you’re both comfortable and have given consent. “It may take the sexiness away, but saying ‘can I kiss you?’ means you have permission and haven’t misread signals,” says Douglas.

Think about when to make things official

When do you change your status or update your profile pic to a cute couple selfie? For Pander, once you’re sure you like and trust the person, you can ask what they think about making things official. But she warns: “Do you really need them in your profile pics or online status? You’re your own person: don’t let your relationship take over your identity.”

Work out if you’re ready to have sex

“First, know the facts about sex, intimacy and pleasure,” says Douglas. “Speak to a trusted older family member, whether that’s a sister or an aunt. Don’t feel pressured into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Douglas says of her work at a girls’ school: “A lot of the girls felt they should lose their virginity on their 16th birthday. Sometimes they regretted it because it wasn’t pleasurable or they felt used. Just because the law says you’re ‘of age’ doesn’t mean you have to do anything.”

Learn how to boost your confidence

Just over half of 11- to 16-year-olds worry often about how they look, but try shifting your focus. “Imagine the most confident version of yourself,” says Natasha Devon, who gives talks at schools and universities on mental health and body image. “Think about how you stand, move and feel when you’re relaxed and self-assured, and emulate that. When we look at someone, we see them as a whole package.”

Stay aware of consent

“People think if they’ve said yes once, they can’t change their mind,” says Goddard McLoughlin. “But you have the right to say no at any point.” Douglas adds: “If you’ve said yes to a kiss, you have the right to say, midway through, ‘I want to stop.’ Similarly, if you feel ready for sex but when it comes down to it you don’t want to do it, that needs to be respected.” If you’re on the receiving end of a no, don’t feel like a horrible person, says Douglas. “Remind yourself it’s a positive thing your partner is able to share this.”

Think before you sext

A recent Ofsted report found that 80% of girls feel under pressure to send sexual images. Douglas says: “Once you send a picture, you can’t control where it goes, who sees it, or whether it’s shared. If it’s shared on the internet, it can stay there for ever.”

Understand how to handle rejection

If you’ve been rejected, Douglas says, “allow yourself to feel that pain. Be around people who are positive and who love you, and do one good thing for yourself every day.” Goddard McLoughlin suggests shifting your perspective: “Often it’s about the other person, not you.”

Avoid being spooked by ghosting

For Pander, ghosting is evidence that someone isn’t worth your precious energy. If someone suddenly cuts you off, it means they “weren’t brave enough to have an honest conversation with you. You deserve better.” Despite the crushing pain, reframe it as a lesson, says Douglas. “It teaches you the kind of person you want to be with, how you want to be treated and how you want to feel in a relationship. In future you won’t even remember the person’s name. I say that from experience.”

Don’t use porn to educate yourself

Recent research found that 45% of young people who watched porn did so, in part, to “learn” about sex, but Douglas says: “Run a mile when it comes to being educated from porn, because it isn’t an honest representation.” If you feel clueless in the bedroom, she recommends educational websites around intimacy, like climax.com or OMGYes. If you must watch porn, use the ethical kind, says Douglas: “The site makelovenotporn.tv is diverse, real and respectful. You’ll see consent, and there are elements about the importance of touch, foreplay and eye contact.” You will also see different races and sexualities, and real bodies.

… and don’t let Covid get you down

There’s nothing like a pandemic to make dating even more stressful. But according to Dr Christian Jessen, life must go on: “If a young person asked me if they should go on a first date, I would say yes. Teenagers need to carry on having as normal a life as possible.” To mask or not to mask? Jessen says: “Follow the guidelines of wherever you are.” Maybe pop it in a message to your date beforehand, so there’s no surprises. Want to ask about someone’s vaccination status? Jessen says go for it: “It encourages more adult conversations down the line about things like STIs.”

Don’t get too fixated on pandemic fears, he adds. “It’s hard to separate dating anxiety from Covid anxiety, but don’t hide behind Covid as an excuse not to date. If you’re young, generally fit and healthy, meeting one person doesn’t put you at high risk – and meeting them outdoors even less so.”

And remember, dating should be fun …

It’s about meeting different people, connecting with them and figuring out what makes you tick. “There will be firsts, there will be laughs and there might be a few tears, but try to shake off any pressure and have fun,” says Pander. “I laugh at my teen dating experiences now – and I’m sure you will, too.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to take the BDSM test that’s going viral on TikTok

(and what it means)

It’s time we talked about this stuff.

By Tatyannah King

If you enjoyed taking the TikTok color personality test, wait ’til you learn about the test that guides you to explore your kinks and get a visual breakdown of all the things you might not even know you’d enjoy in bed.

TikTokers like @aw00ga66 and @brimcgreer are taking a resurfaced “online kink test” and sharing their results to the social media platform’s safe space for the BDSM community, commonly known as #kinktok. Related hashtags like #kinktestchallenge, #kinkchallenge, and #kinktestresults are getting more than half a million views combined.

A screengrab of a BDSM test with comments
TikTok users like @aw00ga66 are sparking conversation.
@brimcgreer laughs and hides their face in front of BDSM test results
@brimcgreer reacts to the test results.

Responding in the comments section of @brimcgreer’s video, people said things like, “I gotta retake that. I’ve changed since my last one”; “I have no 100% but I also have no 0% and I don’t know how to feel”; and “I got 100% switch” — which means someone who switches between submissive and dominant behaviors depending on the context.

While many TikTok users refer to the quiz as the “Kink Test,” it’s formally called the BDSM test, and it’s been around a lot longer than the latest viral TikTok trend. It was created in 2014 with the mission of making “a simple, accessible test to help beginning kinksters determine which labels are or aren’t suitable for them and to be a fun experience for everyone taking it, beginners and experts alike.”

The BDSM test has become established in the kink/fetlife community because it helps beginning kinksters find out which BDSM archetypes may or may not be their thing.

A mini-lesson on BDSM

You may have already gotten an idea of what BDSM is through its representations in pop culture like Fifty Shades of Grey and Rihanna’s S&M video, but here’s what it means in real life. BDSM is an umbrella term for sex acts that fall under the categories of Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. The acronym BDSM can be divided further into these categories:

  • Bondage: The act of restricting a partner’s freedom of movement with ropes, ties, handcuffs, or other restraints
  • Discipline: Agreed-upon rules and punishments for a dominant partner to exert control over a submissive partner
  • Dominance: The act of showing dominance over a physical partner, either during sex or outside of the bedroom
  • Submission: The act of showing submission to the dominant partner’s actions and wishes
  • Sadism: Refers to pleasure that a partner may feel from inflicting pain
  • Masochism: Refers to pleasure that a partner may feel from receiving pain

Though BDSM tends to be misunderstood and misinterpreted by the general population, it contains many common fantasies, like multi-partner sex and experimenting with power dynamics through role play. According to a 2016 survey of about 1000 people published in The Journal of Sex Research, nearly 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually.

So, how do you take the BDSM test?

First, visit bdsmtest.org. You can take the free BDSM test anonymously, or you can share your email and register an account with the website. Prior to taking the test, you’ll be prompted to answer general questions about your age, gender, and sexual orientation. You’ll have the option to select shorter or longer versions of the test, depending on your interest in BDSM. You’ll also be offered a way to filter out some questions that are aimed at either submissives and masochists or dominants and sadists, if you already know that’s not your thing. The demographic and basic information questions take about a minute to fill out. Then you’ll be ready to start the test, which takes about 15 minutes to complete.

See Also: A cult-favorite vibrator has a new companion, and she packs a punch

During the quiz, each question is formatted as a statement. You rate each statement — like “Feeling physically overpowered is one of the most liberating sexual feelings” or “I would like to have sex with multiple people at the same time” — on a 100% scale, ranking how much you agree with it, from “absolutely disagree” to “absolutely agree,” with the middle option being “neutral/no opinion.”

After answering the questions, you’ll get your results in the form of percentages that correspond to the 26 categories being ranked. For example, on the higher end, you may get 100 percent “voyeur” (someone who gets gratification by watching sexual acts) or 80 percent “switch.”

On the neutral end of the spectrum, you could get 50 percent “sadist” (someone who enjoys inflicting certain types of pain on others in a sexual context) or 43 percent “rope bunny” (someone who likes to be tied up and restrained using rope, chains, cuffs, spreader bars, etc).

Remember, the BDSM test is just for fun. Don’t get hung up on your results if they aren’t indicative of how you feel about your sex life in real life.

On the lower end of the spectrum, you may score 5 percent “brat” (someone who playfully pushes their dominant’s buttons by misbehaving in order to be “punished” by their dom) or 2 percent “degradee” (someone who like to be degraded and humiliated by their partner in the bedroom). If you’re unsure what certain terms mean, the BDSM test includes a page with definitions for each archetype here.

Remember, the BDSM test is just for fun. Don’t get hung up on your results if they aren’t indicative of how you feel about your sex life in real life. Though the test is often referred to as the kinky version of the Myers-Briggs personality test, neither test is scientific or definitive. Some people may find that their results represent them exactly; others may wonder how in the world they got the scores that they did. And some people may get a high score in a category they’ve never heard of and then take it upon themselves to explore it. Even then, it still might not be something they enjoy in the bedroom.

The BDSM test is a starting point for more conversations — and that’s a good thing

Due to the lack of comprehensive sex education in America’s education system and general stigma regarding human sexuality, our society isn’t the most sexually literate. But the fact that BDSM is being discussed on TikTok to the point where the #kinktok hashtag has gained 7.2 billion views — not to mention the numerous videos including both informative and silly kink-themed content — says a lot about shifting generational perspectives toward sex. People have tons of questions and curiosities about how their bodies receive pleasure, and for many, Tiktok has become the digital space to delve into sexual self-discovery and sex positivity.

The writer's test results from the BDSM test showing she's 100 percent Masochist and 100 percent Brat.
The author’s BDSM test results.

Unfortunately, Tiktok isn’t perfect. Due to its community guidelines, a lot has been censored when it comes to sex education of any kind, and the same can be said for social media platforms like Tumblr, Instagram, and Facebook. If Tiktok’s algorithm senses that a topic is “inappropriate” (a category many sex ed videos fall into, despite most of them being educational or comedic rather than explicit), that specific content may get restricted on the app and will get lower views, fewer likes, fewer shares, and less engagement overall.

In order to prevent a video from getting banned on the app, some TikTokers have resorted to spelling words like “porn” and “sex” incorrectly and avoiding relevant hashtags like #sex, #sexed, or #sexualhealth. Because “adult nudity and sexual activity” goes against TikTok’s guidelines, that puts kinky content at risk of getting banned as well.

There’s a ways to go until we have a truly sex positive society, but it’s reassuring to see younger millennials and Gen Z proudly pushing back and continuing to revolutionize the way our society discusses sex. They’re tired of feeling like they can’t talk about topics that are integral to the human experience, so they’re creating safe spaces to openly discuss sexual topics. In doing so, they’re not only acquiring more knowledge about their own pleasure but also helping to de-stigmatize topics in human sexuality that many still view as taboo — one BDSM test at a time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s Why Orgasming During Masturbation Can Be Easier Than During Sex

Here are the best ways to beat that pesky performance anxiety.

By Zachary Zane

Most of us love to have orgasms, which is why it can be frustrating when some of them come easier than others. You might find you can cum in less than a minute when you’re masturbating to porn by yourself, but then, when you’re with a partner, it’s a whole ‘nother story.

If that’s happening to you, I can confirm you’re not alone. As the sex advice columnist here at Men’s Health, I’ve received countless questions from men who can orgasm no problem during solo masturbation but can’t say the same for when they’re with a partner—even if they’re really attracted to them.

There are numerous possible reasons why you can’t reach completion when with a partner, and, not surprisingly—since your body is clearly capable of having an orgasm—most of them are in your head. (Not the head downstairs—the head that holds your brain.)

“The socially constructed stakes when sexually pleasuring oneself are undeniably different than when you’re [with one or more people],” explains Benjamin Goldman, MHC-LP, a therapist at Citron Hennessey Private Therapy. “During sex, the man is playing the role of a ‘performer,’” Goldman adds. (Not to mention that you might be self-conscious about your penis, worried you won’t be able to stay hard, or about a billion other common stressors.) Meanwhile, during masturbation, you have no audience, making it easier to relax and enjoy the experience.

When you’re stressed about performing, you’re not going to be able to perform. It’s a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy. “Furthermore, when it comes to performance anxiety, we can develop self-downing thoughts that trigger the same hormones and neurotransmitters that the body pumps when you’re stressed or anxious,” Goldman says.

While that loop is really challenging to break, luckily, it’s not impossible.

So, how do you start orgasming with a partner?

The key is reducing anxiety and stress, so here are some tips for getting out of your head when you’re in bed with another partner.

1. Remember that porn is fantasy.

You should not be comparing yourself to the 10-inch dudes who are seemingly pounding away for hours. You don’t see what happens off-screen: all the times he can’t get hard, how he couldn’t cum while doing the money shot, so he’s watching porn on his phone while shooting on their face, etc. Porn isn’t real. So stop expecting to perform like a porn star. If you’re pressuring yourself to perform like all the dudes you see in porn, you’re gonna be on a one-way street to anxiety town—and orgasms require relaxation, not stress.

2. Cool it on watching porn.

Not sure how? Here are some tips! While I’m pro-porn, a 2019 systematic review of 184 articles published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine found that high porn consumption is correlated with desensitization. So if you’re consistently watching kinky 25-person BDSM orgies, it’s going to be tough to orgasm when you’re having missionary sex with just one other person.

3. Incorporate sex toys.

This might not fix the psychological aspect, but my god, do vibrating cock rings and butt plugs feel goddamn amazing. If there’s a toy that you like to use during masturbation, consider using it with your partner! Maybe you even do mutual masturbation side by side, so you’re sort of bridging the gap between solo time and partner play. We have countless articles at Men’s Health with sex toy recommendations, but I’d check out best sex toys for men, best sex toys for couples, best cock rings, and best prostate massagers.

4, Communication, communication, communication!

“Communication and a sense of safety and are essential tools to have more mutually satisfying sex,” Goldman says. “Communicating about your sexual wants and tending to the wants of your partner might help enable more orgasms.” When you feel comfortable and connected with your partner, it’s easier to enjoy sex. When they know exactly what you like, and you know their turn-ons—so you know they’re experiencing pleasure—that also makes it a lot easier to have a fun and relaxed time. This will increase the likelihood of you orgasming.

Additionally, before having sex, I’d let your partner know that you struggle orgasming when with another person. If you want to be cutesy, you can even say, “It’s just a sign that I’m a little nervous because I like you.”

Often when a man can’t cum, the partner thinks it’s their problem. They think, “Is he not into me?” “Am I not hot enough?” “Am I doing something wrong?” So then they feel insecure (or lash out), which creates a terrible sexual dynamic. You’re actually more likely to orgasm when you address it because you know it’s okay if you don’t finish!

Remember, sex isn’t all about orgasming.

Yes, orgasms feel amazing. Yes, we should all strive to have them. “However, it might be valuable to reframe the goal of sex as an orgasm altogether,” Goldman says. “By developing communication and sense of safety, partners may conclude that orgasm, in fact, is not the end goal of sex.”

Let’s be real, guys; sex still feels damn good when you can’t cum. Having an orgasm isn’t the end-all-be-all of sex. So, if you sometimes (or often) can’t, don’t fret. It just means you can have sex for longer, which is not a bad silver lining.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do Genes Drive How We Feel About Sex and Drugs?

By Lisa Rapaport

Our moral reaction to getting high or a night of casual Netflix and chill — a modern euphemism for having casual sex — may trace in part to our DNA. A new study suggests that our genes could shape our views on these behaviors just as much our environment does.Social scientists have typically assumed that our morals are shaped by the people most present during our childhoods — like our parents, teachers, and friends — and what we experience in our culture — whether from books, television, or TikTok.Results of the new study, published in Psychological Science, suggest that genetics may at least partly explain our moral reactions.

The researchers surveyed more than 8,000 people in Finland, all either fraternal or identical twin pairs or siblings. They asked participants about their views on recreational drug use and sex outside of a committed relationship. Twin studies help scientists tease out the role of nature versus nurture because identical twins usually have the same DNA sequences, but fraternal twins have only about half of their DNA in common.

Investigators compared survey responses to see how much shared DNA explained negative opinions about casual sex and drug use and how much could be attributed instead to a shared environment or unique experiences between the twins.Views on sex and drugs were at least 40% attributable to shared DNA and the remainder attributable to unique experiences, the study found. Views on sex and drugs were also strongly linked, with considerable overlap in opinions about each category.One limitation of the work is common to twin studies in general. These studies cannot distinguish whether certain genes are activated by a shared childhood environment or if some gene variants drive the choice of certain types of environments.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!