Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Condom Size Chart

— Does Size Matter?

Most condoms will fit most people, but other factors matter, too

You may already know that condoms are your best way to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs, also called sexually transmitted diseases or STDs).

And if you didn’t already know it, let’s say it again: Condoms — the ones made from latex, polyurethane and other synthetic materials — will reduce your chances of getting chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, HIV/AIDS and other infections that can be passed through bodily fluids. (Lambskin condoms, also called natural membrane or lambskin condoms, can allow viruses to pass through.)

Condoms can also prevent pregnancy by blocking semen during vaginal intercourse. That’s true of both synthetic and natural condoms.

There are two general categories of condoms:

  • Internal condoms are a pouch inserted into the vagina or anus. They come in one standard size.
  • External condoms are the ones that cover a penis, and they come in a variety of sizes.

Which external condom is right for you? Well … that may be a little complicated. Those oh-so-useful infection-stoppers are a huge market, and there’s a lot to consider: size, material, thickness and enhancements (“for your pleasure”) among them. There are also U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA)-approved external condoms on the market specifically for use during anal sex.

When it comes to choosing condoms, is there a right answer? Does condom size matter? And the rest of it?

We talked with urologist Petar Bajic, MD, about whether condom size matters and other factors to consider.

Finding the right size condom

Here’s the bottom line: The best condom for you is one that you’ll use and will keep you and your partner protected for the duration of sexual activity.

Research shows that when people aren’t satisfied with their condom fit, they’re more likely to have less sexual satisfaction and to remove the condom and complete their sexual engagement without it. Kind of defeats the purpose.

In truth, most people will find that most condoms will fit just fine, Dr. Bajic says.

A worldwide review of research studies found that the average erect penis length is about 5.2 inches. Average girth is 4.6 inches when erect. Guidelines from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), which regulates condoms as a medical device, stipulate that the minimum length for external condoms is 160 millimeters (that’s about 6.3 inches).

That leaves some room for the condom to remain rolled at the base for the average-sized penis. Trojan®, for example, lists their standard condom as the proper-fitting choice for a penis between 5 and 7 inches long with a girth of 4 to 5 inches.

“For the vast majority of people, standard sizes are appropriate, but everyone’s anatomy is different,” Dr. Bajic notes. “It’s best to read the information from that specific condom manufacturer for their guidance on how to determine the best fit for you, and that information should be readily available on the packaging.”

The measurements listed on condom packaging are based on measuring a fully erect penis. To get your size, use a flexible tape measure. Length is the measurement from the base of your penis (where it meets your stomach) to the tip. Girth is the measurement around the widest part of your penis shaft.

Comfort matters

Now, whether the condom is the right size according to the manufacturer’s standards and whether it feels good to your liking may be two different things.

It’s kind of like picking out a pair of jeans. Sure, there’s no shortage of pairs that’ll cover you from hip to ankle, but you may find certain brands or certain cuts to be more comfortable. Maybe you’re the straight-leg type or perhaps bootcut is more your jam. Nothing wrong with being a little choosy.

The same is true of condoms. Any number of them may fit, but it might take trying out a few kinds to determine what you prefer. There are a lot of options out there. So, if you don’t like one, there are plenty of kinds to try and find what works best.

You can try different types of material (remembering that some people may be allergic to latex, so steer clear if that’s a concern for you or your partner). You can also try different material densities. Some condoms are marketed as being “ultra-thin” and the like, which could increase sensation. The minim thickness, per the FDA, is 0.3 mm.

Know if it fits

While most condoms will do the trick for most people, severely ill-fitting condoms could be problematic. A condom that’s too big could fall off during sexual activity. Too small, and you could be at risk of it breaking, Dr. Bajic warns.

“The important thing is to be realistic,” he continues. In other words, choosing a condom isn’t a time to … ahem … stroke your ego, if that’s not what your anatomy calls for.

A properly fitted condom will cover your penis snuggly (but not too tightly) from tip to base, with a half-inch reservoir at the tip. For some people, that may leave an extra bit of rolled condom at the base. That’s OK, and some people prefer that feeling. But if it doesn’t reach to the base of your penis near your stomach, that’s a clear sign to try a bigger size.

Chart: Troubleshooting condom fit and comfort

What you may notice What to try
The condom doesn’t reach to the base of your penis. It doesn’t leave room for a reservoir at the tip. It slips off. It breaks.  It’s uncomfortably tight. Consider going up a size.
There’s excessive rolled condom at the base of your penis. You have decreased sensation. It slips off. Try a smaller size.
It’s uncomfortably tight. Try a larger girth.
You have decreased sensation. It slips off. Try a smaller girth.
You have decreased sensation. Consider a thinner material.
The condom breaks. Try a thicker material.

There is a condom for you

An oft-repeated reason for not wanting to wear a condom is that your penis is “too big.” In reality, condoms are made to stretch. A lot. So, there’s bound to be a condom out there that fits you. (There are videos online of people fitting their whole leg into a condom. Trust us, it’ll fit.)

On the other side of the coin, the condom market is flooded with options, so chances are you’re not “too small” for a condom, either.

Again, “fitting” to the point that it’s safely in place and won’t slip off or break and “fitting” to your liking may have some slight differences. But the point is there’s a condom out there that’ll protect you and your partner from STIs and unwanted pregnancy in the case of vaginal sex. And there’s very likely a choice that you’ll feel good using, too.

“The only better way of preventing sexually transmitted infections than using a condom is abstinence,” Dr. Bajic states. “So, if you plan on engaging in sexual activity, it’s really important to protect yourself, and use barrier contraception.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guide to Using Prostate Massagers

By Nina Smith

When it comes to sex toys, most people automatically think about the toys that are used for female pleasure. Men, however, don’t have to be sidelined when it comes to using toys in the bedroom.

Prostate massagers are a largely unexplored part of sexuality for most men, but we believe that the stigma around male sex toys needs to be broken. If you or your partner are looking to experiment with a prostate massager, here is everything you need to know before diving in.

What is a Prostate Massager?

If you weren’t already aware, men can experience orgasm through prostate stimulation. In fact, it is said that a prostate-induced orgasm is the male equivalent of a woman’s orgasm through her G-spot. Some experts even refer to the male prostate as the P-spot.

It is a different kind of orgasm than the one you would experience through stimulation of the penis due to the difference in muscle contractions that occur during the climax. A penile orgasm typically involves four to eight muscles, but a prostate orgasm involves around a dozen muscles. This makes for a far more intense orgasm.

If you are looking to experience this more intense climax, then it’s time to bring in the help of a prostate massager. If you are having sex with someone with female genitalia, or if you are engaging in solo sex, a prostate massager is going to be the best way to experiment with prostate stimulation. Although these orgasms may be more satisfying, they also require more skill to achieve. But with a little bit of time and practice, you are sure to be achieving unbelievable orgasms in no time.

A prostate massager will look similar to a standard dildo. While some dildos are designed to mimic the shape and appearance of a penis, others have a sloped design to hit the female G-spot. Prostate massagers look more similar to the latter. The “come hither” design on G-spot dildos and prostate massagers help the device to hit in just the right spot.

Many of these designs come with a second head or “rabbit” design which allows for the vibration to hit not just the P-spot internally, but also externally. The external head will rest right between your anus and scrotum while the internal one will be inserted. Most devices will come with a variety of vibration settings for you to test out so you can find what works for you.

Where to Get a Prostate Massager

Although we find no shame in walking into a sex shop and asking to purchase a prostate massager, we are also aware that everyone’s comfort level surrounding this topic is different.

If you are looking for a discrete way to acquire a prostate massager, you will be glad to learn that many shops that sell prostate massagers online will ship their products in discreet packaging and some will even disguise the charge on your credit card. This is great for people who live with roommates, family, or anyone else that you want to keep out of your private sexual activities.

How to Use it

So now that you know all about prostate massagers and the orgasms that you can achieve, let’s talk about how to actually use one. If this is your first time inserting anything into your anus, you are going to want to take your time. Try not to force the device in. Instead, wait for your muscles to relax before insertion. And don’t be afraid to use lubrication to help everything go more smoothly.

Once you are able to insert the prostate massager, you are going to want to experiment with what feels good. This typically involves finding the right places to stimulate yourself. Move the device around and experiment with different vibration modes to find what you like, and before you know it you’ll be having orgasms that you never even thought were possible.

Clean Up

This should go without saying, but make sure that you clean your prostate massager after each use. Some devices are designed to be used in the shower or bath so cleanup will be easy if you purchase one of these waterproof designs.

If your design isn’t fully waterproof, make sure you read the instructions before cleaning so you know how to properly wash and care for your toy without damaging the electronic parts.

Start Experimenting!

If you are ready to break the stigma around male sex toys and start having intense and incredible orgasms, it’s time to try out your first prostate massager. Use it on yourself, or have a partner help you out to spice things up in the bedroom. Everyone deserves a little fun every now and then, so what are you waiting for?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guy Who Says a Successful Threesome Is All About Communication

Andy, 31, talked to GQ about not understanding when people are hitting on him, coming out, and getting involved with straight guys.

By Sophia Benoit

My first sexual experience was when I was younger. An older kid was pretending to wrestle me and kind of did some hump action—I wasn’t sure what that was, I just knew it felt great. I was conflicted about that for years, and then I became an adult and I was like, “Oh well, that was definitely, you know, a mild form of molestation.”

My first consensual experience was when I was about 17 or 18. It was literally just a friend and I jacking off together and some oral. We came back from a high school dance. Another friend had as much of an after party as you can have in high school, and he had some beers and we’d each had like, half a beer, and we were like, “Oh we’re so drunk,” even though we weren’t. We just kind of locked eyes. I wasn’t out to him, he wasn’t out to me, but I was just like, “Hey, do you want to try something?” and he was like, “Well it depends on what it is you’d like to try.” I remember verbatim his word choice. And I was like, “Well, maybe I should just do it and if you like it, cool and if you don’t, tell me to stop.” And I got on my knees and opened his bands and he ended up being way more into it than I was, which was surprising. He wanted to escalate into something further, but we were kids who didn’t know what they were doing.

When I was in college I was just so… I wouldn’t say innocent, but I was just so inexperienced that oftentimes when people would be blatantly flirting with me and I had no idea. I went to a pretty small college in Kansas; there were like 8,000 people collectively for undergrad and graduate programs. And so like I had very little experience and so while I was navigating that I had plenty of opportunities to do more than what I actually did. I was still somewhat prudish, because I had no idea what it was that I liked or didn’t like. One time a super hot country guy came up to me at a bar where I was with some of my buddies. He was like, “Hey can I buy you a drink?” and I was like “Sure” and then he comes back with the drink and he’s like “Hey do you want to go duck hunting some time?” And I’m like, “I’m black; I don’t duck hunt.” It took several occasions of my friends being like “I think that guy’s hitting on you.”

I’d say the vast majority of my experiences have been with men who identify as straight or men who know they’re gay, but who are on the DL. You know, straight people don’t have to come out. And so I don’t feel like gay people should have to come out. Come out to the people you feel comfortable coming out to. But most importantly, you come out to yourself and you work through how you feel about yourself. And if you’ve done that work, that’s what’s most important to me. Like we don’t have to skip into the sunset. We don’t have to parade around doing PDA. None of that’s very important to me. I just want to know that the people that are closest to you in life, like your family or friends that they know about us—that’s really my only requirement for anything monogamous or long term.

I understand that not everybody is worth exploring monogamy with and not everyone is capable of it. I can get with a DL guy and maybe the sex will be good, but it doesn’t necessarily correlate with my worth or his worth. It’s just something that I need in that moment, because I’m feeling sexual, and that’s all that it has to be. Whereas I could date a guy who’s in the closet, and I think what’s most important for me is that he’s comfortable with who he is.

There was a super hot Italian guy from when I lived in Kansas. We met off Scruff or Grindr, and we hooked up on and off for about five years. The last time we hooked up was at the start of the pandemic. And he was super great at everything, don’t get me wrong. But he was still trying to date women while we were hooking up. He’d get into a relationship with a woman and then I wouldn’t hear from him for a few months, and then they’d break up and he’d hit me up. Once he even hit me up when he was still with her and I was like, “Are you single yet?” because I don’t want that karma.

I remember being surprised because he was one of the straight guys I’ve been with who was just really, really good at everything we did, but then sometimes he’d get weird about kissing. And then sometimes in the middle of sex he’d go into like overdrive and just do everything he wanted to do and it almost seemed like he had a mental block that had been lifted. Once after we hooked up, he’d gotten off and I was on top masturbating, getting ready to get myself off and he started to close his eyes and I kind of laughed and asked why and he was like, “Oh Catholic guilt.” We talked about it afterward while we were showering together. He was like, “You know that this won’t be anything more than what it is, right?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m like I’m good. Are you good?” He admitted that he wanted a wife and kids someday. So I told him, basically, I completely understand that’s where you are in your journey; it’s fine and I’m comfortable with you wanting whatever you want. But I also know you’re denying or compartmentalizing what it means to be with me and maybe you’ve enjoyed being with me more than you “should.”

I’m Carribean; I’m first-generation American. So we don’t typically struggle with, you know, the shame most Americans do. Being raised by islanders? I mean, there women dance around in next to nothing during Carnival and it’s not seen as sexual. It’s seen as cultural. A lot of feelings regarding sex and sexuality…I just didn’t have. They weren’t natural or indigenous to me because I was raised so free. A lot of what I bring to the table now is just that freedom. And the freedom I feel to say, “I like this. I don’t like that. Don’t do that.” And then just be able to walk away during or before a sexual experience because I know myself. I’ve done my sexual due diligence. I know what I like but I’m also open and curious, so if I might like something I create boundaries where it’s safe to explore that. And I feel like that mindset automatically translates into pretty great sex. I’ve gotten better at head. I’ve gotten better at reading the room. Like, when I do it slow you like it. When I use my tongue there you come. Each person is different—the only thing that’s consistent is that no one appreciates a mediocre performance.

Hooking up with a guy and his girlfriend, that’s something I never thought I’d be into, because I’ve never been into women, but I actually enjoyed it more than being in threesomes with all men. Women are just different or special. But I’ve had great threesomes. It’s because I’ve asked the hard questions before I even leave the comfort of my home. If I’m taking you out for a drink, I want to know what is it that you’re looking for. If you can’t tell me what you’re looking for? It’s a nonstarter. Or if you say I’m on [this app] out of boredom it’s a nonstarter, because how am I supposed to trust you with my future if you haven’t been thoughtful or purposeful with your own?

So with threesomes it’s like: What are you looking to get out of this? What are your boundaries? What’s most important to you in this experience? Should I focus more on your partner or should I focus more on you? If someone’s not receiving enough attention how do we realign and get back on track? If you have these conversations early and often, you know what you’re getting into and it creates a good, equitable experience for everyone.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Intimacy Myths And How To Overcome Them

By Row Light

Myths surrounding sexuality are nothing new, and they have long played a role in how we treat the sexes differently across cultures. Though (most of us) now believe in the female orgasm and that consent is not only preferable but necessary for any sexual act, there is still plenty of misinformation making the rounds, as we’ve seen in the tragically spot-on portrayal of confused teenagers in the series “Sex Education.”

However, it isn’t too late to figure out myth from truth, and you can find new perspectives on ethical sex-ploration that might just be game-changers in your personal life. Glam spoke with Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com, a platform for adult entertainment with women’s pleasure at its center, and she provided powerful insight into why myths around sex need to be addressed and amended. She told us, “Myths can lead to you sabotaging your relationship and your overall happiness–and often doing so under false pretenses.” We also got in touch with sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, a resident sex expert at Lovers, a platform for adult toys, educational resources, and wellness tips. Both experts’ lists of myths complemented and added to each other’s, and we were left with a wealth of advice on how to keep our sex lives steamy and sustainable.

Myth #1: your partner won’t want to try new things

Sexual myths are so prevalent there have even been studies on the phenomenon, such as a study published in Medicina Clínica, and its possible adverse effects. Of those surveyed, 16.9% viewed intercourse via penetration, aka coitus, as “normal” sex. However, Marla Renee Stewart shared the first myth that she would like us to remove from our belief system surrounding intimacy: “Your lover would not be into what you want to do (without asking the lover first).” It can be intimidating to discuss your desires with a partner when you haven’t opened that door for communication. But finding a common language to speak with your partner about what you want is the first step in finding a path toward your sexual fulfillment.

Even if your partner isn’t interested in pursuing your latest idea in the bedroom, talking about what you’d like to try can expand your sexual vocabulary and lead to new and exciting experimentation. Assuming that your desires are in some way wrong or unacceptable can stand in the way of true intimacy with your partner. Instead, the bedroom should be a safe space to be vulnerable where you leave damaging assumptions at the door.

Myth #2: there is a right amount of sex to have weekly

Marla Renee Stewart’s next sexual myth may feel familiar to those who are used to measuring their relationships against cultural norms or expectations. Her next myth is that “you need to have sex at least 3 times a week to remain connected to your lover.” On TV and in movies, couples may complain about irregular patterns of intimacy, or envy those who represent what they view as a “normal” sex life. But intimacy is an individual experience, and each relationship requires different forms of maintenance and closeness to thrive.

This myth ignores differences in sex drives, as well as those on the asexual and demisexual spectrum who may rely more on other forms of intimacy to nourish their partnerships. Ultimately, if you and your partner feel good about the amount of sex you’re having, there’s no rule about what constitutes a good sex life.

Angie Rowntree also offers her own version of this myth: “All partnerships are the same and must have the same parameters.” She explained, “Yes, healthy relationships all have certain qualities or traits in common; however, beyond those parameters, what ultimately works for the two of you might not be the same as what works for your friends, colleagues, and family members in their private life.” She also emphasized the importance of not letting yourself get caught up in comparing your relationship to others.

Myth #3: we can’t bring our whole selves into partnerships

Marla Renee Stewart also reminded us that we need to honor ourselves to fully honor our relationships. The myth? “You may need to sacrifice important parts of you if you want to be in a relationship.” But being truly intimate with someone means being honest about our goals, passions, and needs, no matter what might be expected of us.

Even if you feel self-conscious about whether you check all your partner’s boxes, it’s important to remember that you are both just people trying to build and maintain a connection. There will always be parts of your partner that bother you, and you may not share all of the same interests. But as Angie Rowntree reminds us, “Life is not an Instagram reel, and being hung up on an ideal will always make you miss the love and joy that is right in front of you.”

Especially when it comes to outside perspectives on our relationships, we shouldn’t buy into the idea that others’ opinions hold more weight than our own experiences in a partnership. “No one knows what really happens behind closed doors when it is just the two of you…and we say that’s a good thing!” Rowntree adds. “You honestly don’t need anyone’s “likes” or “hearts” of approval if you are in a happy, healthy relationship.”

Myth #4: it’s monogamy or bust

Our sexpert Marla Renee Stewart’s next myth is one that our culture at large is still grappling with and that the media is only just starting to address: “True intimacy can only happen in a monogamous relationship.” Though TV shows like “The L Word: Generation Q” and “Good Trouble” are exploring polyamorous storylines and depicting characters’ lived experiences, there is still plenty of content that misses the mark when it comes to relationship models outside of monogamy.

Just like we can have close ties with our friends and non-romantic relationships, we can find other forms of intimacy outside of our partnerships. This doesn’t take away from any given relationship and, in fact, may help us feel held by our community rather than relying on a single person to meet all of our emotional needs.

Angie Rowntree also offers a version of this myth: “Intimacy is only for couples.” She told Glam, “Guess who needs to be your lover before anyone else? YOU do!” Exploring our needs alone can help us figure things out before a partner is introduced into the equation. She added, “Your relationship status either way should never stop you from enjoying your own body and exploring your sexuality in a healthy way. By giving yourself pleasure (and orgasms) you affirm your own worthiness to receive pleasure — and can thus carry those good vibes (literal and figurative!) into the bedroom with your partner.”

Myth #5: good sex comes naturally

Working hard on a relationship or your sex life doesn’t mean a match isn’t meant to be. Marla Renee Stewart’s next myth is that “if the sex is bad, it can improve with more time.” This may sound discouraging if things aren’t satisfying at the beginning of a relationship, but the expert isn’t telling you to give up entirely when you’re left wanting more. Instead, working together and communicating are the only ways to improve an intimate dynamic — if we don’t tell them what we want, we also shouldn’t wait around for our partners to read our minds. As Angie Rowntree told Glam, “Better communication equals better sex and deeper intimacy.”

Rowntree also advised us to turn our focus inward when we’re struggling with sex: “Great sex starts with you loving your own body and learning about what gives you pleasure.” She also made sure to recommend specific methods for learning about our pleasure centers and individual desires. “Thanks to any number of amazing products, it’s easier than ever to begin a journey of sensual self-discovery. People who masturbate and know their own bodies generally tend to be more generous lovers too.” If you’re looking for penetration via a non-realistic toy, the snail vibe from Lovers might be the perfect way to explore internal and external stimulation simultaneously. Or if you’re looking for innovative stimulation, you can check out the Womanizer Classic 2.0, which uses air pulsator technology to provide a new kind of sex toy experience.

Myth #6: grand gestures are all that matters

Sexpert Marla Renee Stewart notes that, unsurprisingly, prescriptive relationship advice may not always be our ticket to happiness. “Don’t go to bed angry” may be a common platitude, but it may also mean smoothing over issues that required a deeper resolution. Angie Rowntree added her own perspective on the work necessary to keep a relationship healthy, even if it requires more energy and thought than we might think. Her next myth states, “Intimacy is self-sustaining when you are in a relationship, and you don’t need to work on it.” Rowntree explains, “This is probably the BIGGEST myth: after the “happily ever after” the work stops.”

Actively choosing to be with your partner and working toward healthy communication can require giving each other more time to resolve a conflict, and Rowntree emphasized that love is not a passive process. “Yes, real life can serve up plenty of stress and grief,” she told us. “And sometimes our intimate partnerships are impacted or changed — but that’s why the best intimacy is the kind that evolves and adapts with you both. If you choose each other and choose to weather the storms of life, then why wouldn’t you choose to also nurture the passion?”

Ultimately, expressing care over time may not require drastic changes to your relationship dynamic. But Rowntree also referenced another myth: “The “little things” you do for each other are not powerful.” She amends this, saying, “When you do feel disconnected, often the “little things” are the breadcrumb trail that can help lead you back to each other’s arms.”

Myth #7: we should automatically know how to have a healthy relationship

Lovers’ resident sexpert Marla Renee Stewart has passed on her sage wisdom and wants to make sure that folks know they aren’t alone in trying to meet impossible relationship standards. “These myths dampen people’s sex lives because they might feel shame, stigma, or unmet expectations that can cause anxiety,” she explains. “Believing in any myths that keep you from reaching your full potential with your lover(s) can take a negative toll on your relationship(s) and cause unnecessary harm.”

Thankfully, experts have our backs when it comes to undoing damaging beliefs surrounding our relationships. “You will have the freedom to establish what is good and right for you and your lover(s),” Stewart assures us. “Talking with your lover(s), establishing your wants and needs and desires, and allowing each person to pursue their own sexuality is one of the keys to a satisfying relationship that all parties would appreciate.”

Angie Rowntree also spoke up about how we can work on ourselves to make sure we’re in the best place to connect intimately with others. “If you become a good friend/lover to yourself first, you won’t be dating and relating to your partner out of fear of being alone. Instead, you’ll be confident, open, and emotionally available, which totally enhances your partnership for the long haul.” So, you heard it here first: our intimate relationships only benefit when we trust ourselves instead of hearsay, and it’s time to prioritize our freedom over fear.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Taking a relationship break?

— These 9 expert-approved tips can help you make the most of your time apart

Keeping a journal during your break can help you discover whether the relationship still meets your needs

By Rebecca Strong

  • A relationship break offers space to explore things like compatibility, trust issues, or life stress.
  • Experts advise discussing break length, goals, and how you’ll keep in touch before you part ways.
  • To get insight during the break, reflect on needs, goals, and things you miss about your partner.

If you need some time apart from your partner but don’t feel ready to close the door on the relationship, you may find it helpful to take a break.

Relationship breaks are super common — and not just when dating: About 6%-18% of married couples have separated at some point.

Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho, a licensed social worker who works with couples, says some common reasons for needing a break include:

Trying to work through any relationship issues with your partner is always a good first step. But when no amount of discussion leads to a resolution, some space and time on your own may help you get some clarity on how to move forward.

The type of break you take — and how long it lasts — can vary, depending on your situation and specific needs. Ultimately, it’s all about finding what works best for you.

That said, these nine therapist-approved tips can help you make your break a productive one.

1. Choose an endpoint

Kalley Hartman, a licensed marriage and family therapist with extensive experience treating couples and Clinical Director of Ocean Recovery, suggests agreeing with your partner on how long the break should last.

The more complex your issues are, the longer your break may need to be. If your partner isn’t on board, you might consider a compromise like a shorter break, more frequent check-ins during the break, or temporary in-person visits.

2. Set clear expectations for the purpose of your break

De Carvalho advises clarifying what you both hope to get out of this time apart — and what you want from your relationship if you get back together.

For example, your goal for the break may involve figuring out changes you both need to make for the relationship to succeed, such as:

Whatever your expectations are, sharing them ahead of time can help you find a common goal to work toward — and a 2021 study involving older couples linked having more joint goals to higher relationship satisfaction.

3. Decide if — and how — you’ll communicate

Do you and your partner want to avoid texting each other, but schedule weekly phone calls to check in? Or would you prefer to cut off communication for the entirety of the break?

Hartman strongly advises discussing these types of things before taking some time apart.

You may also want to figure out if you’d like to keep certain subjects off-limits, like your relationship problems.

Lastly, Lola Noero, a licensed master social worker at Manhattan Therapy, suggests talking about how you’ll handle social media.

If you feel it will help create some mental distance, you might opt to temporarily unfollow or mute each other, or turn off notifications for each other’s posts.

4. Use this time for reflection

“Taking a break is an opportunity to focus on yourself and explore what you want out of the relationship,” Hartman says.

With that in mind, consider using this time to reflect upon your personal values, goals, and expectations. That way, when you reunite, you have a better chance of determining whether the relationship still serves your needs.

Tara McGrath, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, recommends using a journal to prompt this kind of reflection.

You might try journaling about:

  • Your goals for the break
  • How your feelings evolve over the course of the break
  • Your hopes and desires for how the relationship might change when you get back together

5. Set boundaries around dating

De Carvalho says it’s important to make sure you’re on the same page about dating other people during your break.

These boundaries can vary widely from relationship to relationship. A few important questions to ask each other:

  • Will you remain exclusive and avoid dating others completely?
  • Is it OK to go on dates, but not engage in physical intimacy with others?
  • Are you free to have sex with other people?

Hammering out these kinds of details ensures you’re both aware of what constitutes cheating during your break.

6. Set boundaries around mutual friends

If you and your partner have mutual friends or are close with each other’s family members, that’s another topic you’ll need to tackle before taking a break.

You may decide it’s OK to hang out with mutual friends together — or to ask mutual friends to avoid inviting you to the same events.

When it comes to family members, you might agree not to communicate with each other’s parents and siblings while on the break, unless an emergency comes up.

There’s no right or wrong here, but establishing some ground rules around what’s comfortable for both of you will minimize the risk of awkward or painful misunderstandings.

7. Make the most of your “me” time

While it’s totally natural to occasionally think about your partner or the relationship during the break, De Carvalho recommends focusing on yourself instead and making the most of your alone time.

“Take up new hobbies, meet with friends, or spend more time with family — re-engage with people and activities you may not have had much time for while in the relationship,” she says.

Aim to participate in activities that help you reconnect with parts of yourself that may have gone unfulfilled in the relationship.

For example:

  • If you’ve been yearning to tap into your creative side, consider taking a sculpting class or ask a friend to check out a photography exhibit with you.
  • If spending most of your time with your partner got in the way of your workouts, take a few trial classes at local gyms and studios to find a physical activity you enjoy.

8. Allow room for missing your partner

If you find yourself missing your partner during the break, that’s OK — in fact, it’s very normal, according to Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and founder of Couples Candy.

When you feel lonely, Harrison recommends using that as a cue to turn inward and ask yourself what your life is currently missing. For instance, you may actually crave more quality time with friends or a job that allows you to connect with others more regularly.

9. Work with a couples counselor

If you and your partner want to make things work but can’t get past certain difficulties on your own, De Carvalho recommends seeking help from a professional.

Couples therapy provides a safe and supportive environment to:

  • Discuss emotionally-charged topics, like how to handle finances or whether to have kids.
  • Navigate and resolve any lingering concerns, like communication breakdowns, problematic relationship dynamics, or unproductive behaviors during conflict.
  • Learn how to set boundaries and balance your needs with relationship needs.
  • Determine whether staying together is the best decision for both of you, according to Hartman.

Couples therapy can last as briefly as three sessions or as long as 20 sessions. The length, and the approach you choose, depend entirely on your goals and the issues you want to address.

However long it lasts, couples therapy can do a lot of good — over three-quarters of couples say their relationship improved after counseling, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT).

If you suspect personal challenges — like attachment issues — are getting in the way of a healthy relationship, it could also help to try individual therapy during your break.;

Insider’s takeaway

Taking a break from your relationship can help you gain some insight into your needs and expectations, work through personal issues, or reassess whether your partner is a good fit for you.

Just know there’s no one-size fits all approach to taking a successful break. Only you and your partner can determine how to make it work — but defining a clear intent for your break offers a great place to start.

Keep in mind that there are some differences no amount of discussion may resolve — for instance, if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t. In these cases, you might need some time to determine whether you can still move forward in the relationship.

However, the more expectations and ground rules you can set when it comes to exclusivity, the length of the break, and how much you’d like to communicate, the more likely you’ll benefit from your time apart.

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Walk Your Way to Better Erections

— Taking a stroll for as little as 30 minutes a day can improve sexual health.

By Lauren Dodd

Seeking to improve your sex life as the new year kicks into gear? This one isn’t all that difficult. Resolve to walk your way to better erections.

Men who experience erectile dysfunction (ED), the consistent inability to get or maintain an erection satisfactory for sexual intercourse, may benefit from incorporating more heart-pumping physical activity—as little as a 30-minute walk—into their 2023 routine.

More than 30 million men in the United States experience ED, which can lead to higher rates of depression and anxiety. ED is generally seen as a growing public health concern. But a portion of ED sufferers may be able to improve their condition by simply adding extra steps to their daily life.

Medical conditions such as cardiovascular disease, the leading cause of death in men, produce changes to the penis’s blood flow and are common causes of ED, as blood flow is necessary to achieve and sustain an erection. Without the need of a doctor or a prescription, better sexual health may literally be around the corner for men who resolve to lace up their sneakers and head outdoors.

Better erections could be just a few steps away

Walking, one of the most popular forms of exercise in the world, is also one of the cheapest. No gym membership required.

Increasing your daily steps can be as easy as parking farther away from entrances or opting to take the stairs rather than the elevator. As little as 40 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise four days a week—a grand total of 160 minutes—sustained over the course of six months can improve ED caused by physical inactivity, obesity, hypertension, metabolic syndrome and/or cardiovascular disease, according to a 2018 systematic review that looked at a decade of erectile dysfunction research.

Moderate exercise can be achieved by walking briskly at a pace of 4 mph or bicycling at a pace of 10 to 12 mph, according to Harvard research. Another Harvard study found walking 30 minutes a day was linked with a 41 percent decline in risk for ED.

Considering the leading causes of ED are atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries) and diabetes, additional physical activity may improve more than just erectile function.

People who took 12,000 steps a day had a 65 percent lower risk of dying over the course of 10 years compared with those who took 4,000 steps a day, one 2020 study found.

“Higher step counts were also associated with lower rates of death from heart disease and cancer,” the study stated.

Quitting smoking or vaping and reducing alcohol consumption in the new year may also lead to better performance in the bedroom. Heavy smokers, even younger ones, are twice as likely to develop ED than their nonsmoking peers.

Heavy drinking doesn’t help, either. One study found men’s “episodic erectile failure” occurred at “significantly higher” rates in those consuming more than three standard units of alcohol a day. (One standard unit is any drink that contains 14 grams of alcohol, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.)

Maintaining a healthy weight is essential

The risk of developing ED and losing sexual function increases along with a man’s waistline, according to Harvard research. A man with a 42-inch waist is 50 percent more likely to have ED than one with a 32-inch waist.

Regular physical activity such as walking can aid vascular health. It helps arteries by boosting nitric oxide production, thereby increasing blood flow to the penis and making it easier to get an erection.

One of the first suggestions Susan MacDonald M.D., a urology specialist at Penn State Health in Hershey, Pennsylvania, offers her male patients is to lose a little weight.

“There is an obesity epidemic in America, so odds are most of your readers have five to 10 pounds to lose,” MacDonald said. “If they were to start walking, that would help.”

Quitting smoking is another one of her top recommendations for men experiencing ED.

“If we’re making New Year’s resolutions here, stopping smoking is a huge one,” MacDonald explained. “I think if you’re smoking, you’re paying double, because you’re paying for the cigarettes and you’re paying for [medication] to fix the erectile dysfunction it’s causing.”

Symptoms of erectile dysfunction should be taken seriously because a man’s penile dysfunction may be the first red flag of other illnesses and disorders, she said.

“In most cases, it’s the disease process leading to the ED,” MacDonald said. “In cardiovascular disease, we see the ED before we see the heart attack.”

Walking can curb more than erectile dysfunction

Walking has been proved to lower blood pressure, ease joint pain, curb sweet-tooth cravings and improve sleep. It can also help ward off breast cancer, heart disease, stroke, and early onset Alzheimer’s disease and dementia.

During peak flu and cold seasons, walking is another way to boost your immune system to fend off germs. It can increase bone health and bone density in osteoporosis patients and improve a person’s balance.

In addition to physical benefits, walking can offer mental health perks, such as improving feelings of sadness, anxiety, anger and depression.

But as with anything, the trick to picking up a new exercise habit is to do so safely.

Anyone taking to the streets should map out a path in advance, use sidewalks when possible, choose a well-lit area, be aware of major changes in the weather, stay hydrated and wear bright, reflective clothing. If sidewalks are unavailable, public school tracks and indoor shopping malls can be additional areas to squeeze in a little extra physical activity.

Be sure to consult a primary doctor before making changes to your diet and exercise routine.

If lifestyle and diet changes improve your overall health but erectile dysfunction persists, even intermittently, a wearable device free of the negative side effects of medication may help restore sexual function. Eddie® is an FDA-registered Class II medical device designed to treat erectile dysfunction and improve male sexual performance. Its specific shape optimizes blood flow as it puts pressure on the veins of the penis but not the arteries.

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Ever Feel Sad After Sex?

— You Might Have Post-Coital Dysphoria

What Are the Post-Sex Blues? Here’s How To Deal With This Common Issue

BY Rebecca Strong

After sex, some people feel a sense of euphoria, relaxation, and closeness to their partner. But that’s not the case for everyone.

According to a 2019 study, almost half of men report feeling sad, distant, or irritable after sex. This is often called “post-coital dysphoria” (PCD), or the post-sex blues. But why does it happen? And are there ways to treat it?

First things first: PCD is nothing to be ashamed of. As previously noted, it’s super common. More importantly, experts say it’s nothing to worry about, and often just goes away on its own with time.

That said, if this condition is negatively impacting your sex life, relationship, or overall mental well-being, know that there are things you can do to cope — starting with pinpointing what’s driving your PCD.

Here’s what to know about the common signs and causes of PCD, and how to treat it.

What Are the Signs of Post-Coital Dysphoria?

Experts say PCD can manifest in different ways. You may be experiencing this condition if you feel any of the following after sex:

  • Aggravated
  • Sad
  • Apathetic
  • Restless
  • Uneasy

These feelings may set in immediately after sex, or up to an hour or two after you finish.

Depending on personality and history, a person experiencing PCD may start crying or seem easily annoyed, says Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

“Some people with PCD may feel the need to leave the room or the situation altogether,” she explains.

What Causes Post-Coital Dysphoria?

A 2019 study found that PCD is linked to:

  • Psychological distress
  • Childhood sexual abuse
  • Sexual dysfunctions

If you’ve had traumatic sexual experiences or are currently dealing with sexual dysfunction, then intimate situations can trigger all kinds of negative emotions — like fear or shame.

There are many other possible causes, too.

Since you have higher levels of the feel-good chemical dopamine during sex, your body releases the hormone prolactin afterward to bring you back to your baseline.

In other words, you go from a major high to a sudden crash. According to Tufts University, that post-coital drop in dopamine may contribute to a low mood or other symptoms of PCD.

According to Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a therapist and sex and intimacy coach, performance anxiety can also be a factor.

“A history of depression, anxiety, or trauma can certainly aggravate PCD or increase the likelihood of it,” adds Manly.

“For example,” she explains, “if a person is already sad or depressed, the feelings can be magnified if the sexual intimacy was not connective or fulfilling. As well, if other stressors such as arguments, financial unrest, body issue images, etc. are at play these issues can be exacerbated given the vulnerability involved in sexual intimacy.”

How PCD Can Impact Your Sex Life & Relationship

“Post-coital dysphoria is unlikely to have a major impact on your sexual and romantic life if it’s experienced rarely,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and founder of Sex & Psychology. “However, if it’s a common occurrence, it can potentially be distressing — especially if you have a partner who does not understand it or takes it personally, in which case it may become a source of conflict.”

According to Manly, PCD can create ongoing feelings of disconnection, particularly if your partner notices that you seem cold or distant after sex.

Bisbey notes that PCD can also lead you to avoid sex and the negative feelings associated with it. Over time, this avoidance can begin to take a toll on your overall intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

“You may choose to use pornography instead of intimacy with a partner as solo sex often feels emotionally safer due to the lack of vulnerability,” adds Manly. “Over time, unaddressed PCD can actually tear a relationship apart due to the lack of emotional and sexual intimacy.”

How to Treat Post-Coital Dysphoria

If PCD is something you only experience once in a while, Lehmiller says it’s nothing to worry about.

“Psychologists think this may be a normal variation that sometimes happens following sex and that we shouldn’t pathologize it,” he explains.

On the other hand, if PCD is a persistent issue for you, and is triggering feelings of anxiety or depression, or negatively impacting your sex life or relationship, Lehmiller suggests consulting with a sex therapist. A licensed provider may be able to help you get to the root cause of the issue, whether it’s related to a mood disorder, an underlying sexual dysfunction, or a history of trauma.

Bisbey notes that it can also be helpful to tell your doctor about your symptoms of PCD, as they can help rule out any physical health issues that may be causing it.

While psychotherapy can be tremendously helpful, Manly notes that there are many other ways to address PCD — such as through support groups, self-help books, or journaling.

Manly also highly recommends being open and honest with your partner about the symptoms you’re experiencing. By openly discussing your feelings before, during, or after sex, you’re giving your partner an opportunity to be more supportive and accommodating.

“When partners work together to face PCD and address the issues with compassion, the relationship can actually become stronger and more loving,” adds Manly.

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Blue Balls

— A Cause of Testicular Pain

Anyone who has ever experienced “blue balls” can tell you that it is a painful and frustrating consequence of sexual arousal. Of the many causes of pain in the testicles and scrotum, blue balls are the most benign. It is not a serious medical condition, but that does not make it any less tolerable. Here is what you need to know about blue balls and what you can do to relieve the pain.

By Kristopher Bunting, MD

  • Blue balls (epididymal hypertension) is a real condition that causes pain and tenderness in the testicles and scrotum after prolonged sexual arousal without ejaculation or orgasm.
  • Blue balls is temporary, usually lasting no more than a few hours, but can be relieved through sexual release, a cold shower or cold compress, or the Valsalva maneuver.
  • Severe, persistent, or worsening scrotal or testicular pain may indicate a medical emergency, not blue balls.

What are blue balls?

Blue balls also called “lover’s nuts” or epididymal hypertension is a condition that causes scrotal and testicular pain. Epididymal hypertension can occur after prolonged sexual stimulation without sexual release. In other words, being sexually excited by foreplay or other sexually arousing activities that do not end in ejaculation or orgasm can lead to tender and painful testicles.

Medically speaking, the condition known as blue balls is poorly understood. There is little to no research into the causes and treatments of epididymal hypertension and there is only one known case report present in the current medical literature. This lack of published research is because epididymal hypertension is not a medical emergency and has no long-term negative effects on health. It is a real condition, but it is nothing to be alarmed about.

What are the symptoms of blue balls?

The primary symptoms of blue balls are pain and tenderness in the scrotum and testicles. The skin of the scrotum can also develop a slightly bluish tint. The experience varies between individuals but can be described as aching, heaviness, or fullness of the testicles. The discomfort may also be felt in the groin and lower abdomen. Blue balls do not cause swelling, bleeding, discharge, or fever. The pain subsides within a few hours (or less) without requiring treatment.

What causes blue balls?

While epididymal hypertension is not well understood, it is believed that a buildup of excess blood in the testicles after sexual arousal causes blue balls. Blood flows into the penis and testicles during sexual arousal and normally leaves the genitals after achieving orgasm. However, when the blood does not leave the testicles it can lead to pain.

Treating blue balls

There are several ways to relieve the pain of blue balls:

Give it time: blue balls typically only lasts for a few hours at most before resolving on its own.

Sexual release: ejaculating or having an orgasm through intercourse or masturbation can relieve blue balls quickly.

Cool it down: taking a cold shower or applying a cool compress (such as a towel soaked in cold water) may help relieve the pain of blue balls.

Try the Valsalva maneuver: the Valsalva maneuver can help relax blood vessels, allowing blood to leave the testicles.

Other recommendations for relieving the pain include distracting yourself to take your mind off of sexual arousal or exercising to increase blood flow out of the groin.

Other causes of testicular pain

Having blue balls can be a very unpleasant experience, but it is not a serious medical issue. However, many other conditions can cause pain in the testicles and scrotum, including some serious medical emergencies. Pain in the testicles and/or scrotum that is severe or is associated with bleeding, discharge, nausea, vomiting, fever, or swelling can indicate a serious medical condition. If you have symptoms other than mild to moderate pain or discomfort that lasts for up to a few hours, you should seek medical help immediately.

Testicular torsion is a medical emergency that can cause intense scrotal and testicular pain that usually comes on suddenly. Epididymitis or orchitis causes painful inflammation of the testes due to an infection that requires medical treatment. Testicular varicoceles can also cause testicular or scrotal pain. Varicoceles are caused by enlarged veins in the scrotum, similar to varicose veins, that can feel like a ”bag of worms”. While this is not an emergency, it may affect fertility.

Sexual arousal without sexual release can lead to blue balls, a real medical condition that causes pain in the scrotum and testicles. It is a temporary condition that resolves on its own and does not require treatment, but there are steps you can take to relieve the pain. Sexual release is the fastest way to relieve pain from blue balls, but this should never be used as an excuse to pressure anyone into sex.

While blue balls are not a serious condition, pain in the scrotum or testicles should always be a cause for concern. Seek immediate medical attention for severe or persistent pain in the testicles lasting more than a few hours.

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What Is Sex Therapy?

How Counseling Can Improve Your Relationship

And, yes, you can keep your clothes on.

By Stella Harris

“Last night I looked at some cheese and got an erection,” Otis Milburn—amateur sex counselor and the teenage son of a sex therapist—tells his best friend Eric in the opening minutes of Netflix’s Sex Education season two.

Although you might not find yourself sexually aroused by dairy products, most people will face some sort of sexual concern (not entirely dissimilar to Otis’) in their lifetime. In fact, more than a third of the population reports some difficulty with sexual satisfaction, according to the Cleveland Clinic. So, if you’re having worries around sex, you’re not alone.

Sex has been a taboo topic for so long that even doctors—heck, even gynecologists and urologists—often hesitate to bring up sexual issues. But sexual health is an integral part of one’s overall wellbeing. “Sex is a basic need on Maslow’s hierarchy. But sex is about so much more than physical release,” says Donna Oriowo, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of AnnodRight, a sex and relationships therapy practice specifically aimed at serving Black women in the Washington, D.C. area.“Sex can impact your mental health and also your physical health, both positively and negatively based on experiences you have had.”

And that’s where sex therapy comes in. Just like hiring a personal trainer can help you with your physical health and a therapist can walk you through any mental blocks you may have, a sex therapist can help you improve your sexual wellbeing.

Meet the experts:

Donna Oriowo, PhD, LCSW, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of

AnnodRight, a sex and relationships therapy practice specifically aimed at serving Black women in the Washington, D.C. area.

Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist, couples therapist, and speaker based in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Ahead, sex therapists explain what exactly sex therapy is, how it works, how to know if you need it, and how it can help improve your relationship with yourself and others.

This content is imported from poll. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

What is sex therapy?

There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding sex therapy—that it happens in the nude, that therapists watch their clients have sex, or that the therapist touches the clients. While these sensationalized perceptions make for clickbait-y headlines and engaging television, in the real world, “sex therapy is a form of talk-based therapy that helps people improve their sex lives,” explains Shadeen Francis, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Philadelphia. Just like other forms of talk therapy, sex therapy “can help you explore your patterns, support you to better understand the past experiences that have helped shape you, and teach you new strategies to achieve your goals, with a central focus on sex and sexuality,” she adds.

Of course, sex and sexuality cover a broad range of topics. So, what areas can sex therapy specifically help you unpack? Oriowo clarifies that this form of therapy may involve “talking about anything from sexual functioning, your sex life and satisfaction, to sexual trauma, sexual scripts, and sexual esteem [meaning, a person’s overall confidence in their sexuality and ability to enjoy its expression].”

How does sex therapy work?

Sex therapy works like any other form of talk therapy. By talking about your experiences and your feelings, your therapist is able to guide you through the issues you find challenging. Every therapist is different, but some may even suggest homework for you to try on your own or with a partner.

Speaking of partners, that’s where a potential difference comes into play. Traditional therapy is often between a client and a therapist, but with sex therapy you may choose to attend with a partner. Going to therapy with your S.O. can provide unique benefits, as well as a few challenges. Why? “In individual therapy, you are the star of the show,” explains Francis. “Individual therapy is a space that is designed to allow you to dive deep and be focused on what you need for your wellbeing.” In couples therapy, however, the relationship is the client, she says. Each partner’s experience still matters, but it’s not the sex therapist’s job to decide who is right or wrong. Instead, their role is to “offer support by prioritizing ways for you to relate to one other with clarity, kindness, and respect.”

Having a neutral third party to facilitate difficult conversations can make all the difference for people who are having trouble seeing eye to eye. “The unique benefit of couples therapy is that folks get to work through things in real time, for example, getting to practice new communication strategies with your partner with the support of your therapist, or having help sharing delicate information in a safer emotional environment,” says Francis.

That said, many people still prefer to attend sex therapy solo—either because they’d like a bit more privacy when digging into sensitive issues or because they’re not currently partnered. After all, you don’t need to be dating (or having sex, even) to see a sex therapist.

You can enjoy the benefits of sex therapy and work through sex and sexuality-related challenges, regardless of your relationship status.

Do I need sex therapy?

The combined stigma around talking about sex and going to therapy can make some people reluctant to seek out a sex therapist. But reaching out to a professional doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. “Everyone could use some extra support,” says Francis. “Given the amount of stress most people face in their daily lives, the reality is that most people are living with the consequences of unresolved trauma.” This may be trauma related to unfulfilling and/or awkward sexual experiences in your past, or, in serious cases, may stem from traumatic experiences, such as sexual assault.

According to RAINN, “every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.” While that may seem like an extreme number, statistically, it’s more likely than not that someone has had an unpleasant sexual experience in their lifetime.

Plus, with many schools lacking comprehensive and inclusive sex education programs, “sex therapy would benefit a lot of people,” says Francis.

But sex therapy isn’t only for those who have experienced sexual trauma. Many people seek out support because they’re dealing with common issues, such as performance anxiety, low sexual confidence, or mismatched levels of desire within a relationship.

At the end of the day, sex therapy can be a huge help for figuring out how to deal with the stress of simply living in the world—especially if you embody one or more marginalized identity. For example, people who are asexual often receive pushback from friends, family, and potential partners trying to insist there’s something wrong with them, rather than accepting asexuality as a perfectly valid identity. (Which, spoiler: It is.)

Even in situations where you’re not actively engaging in sex, sex therapy can help promote self-acceptance as well as help you build tools for communicating your desires and needs with others.

If you experience little to no sexual desire, you may be asexual. Here are some other gender and sexuality terms to know:

How do I find a sex therapist?

Choosing a therapist is a big decision, so it’s worth doing the research to find someone who’s a good fit for your needs. A great place to start is looking through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) directory. Professionals who are AASECT-certified (like WH’s experts) have undergone additional training beyond their therapy licensure requirements and are more likely to be well-versed in a variety of sexuality topics. Psychology Today is another mental health professionals directory that allows you to search by keyword and specialty, helping you narrow down your options.

For folks who are kinky, queer, or non-monogamous, it can feel especially tricky to find non-judgmental professionals who won’t misunderstand you or require you to educate them. For these groups, the following resources can help you find a therapist who will recognize your identities and the nature of your most intimate relationships:

Moreover, when making a choice as personal as finding a sex therapist, a referral from someone who already knows you is often best. If you have a primary care provider, gynecologist, or another healthcare professional you like and trust, ask them if they have any people in mind.

And feel free to reach out to friends, too. Not everyone is open about seeing a therapist, but one of the best ways to shatter stigmas is bringing these conversations into the open. So why not solicit suggestions on Facebook? If posting to your wall feels too public, I suggest posting in private groups relevant to your identities, such as open relationship groups if you’re looking for a poly-friendly therapist.

How can sex therapy help my relationship?

Not only can sex therapy help you have better sex, but it can also help you develop a better relationship with yourself and your partner(s). According to Oriowo, sex therapy “helps you understand intimacy better, how your partner likes to give and receive intimacy, how sex plays into intimacy, and teaches you to communicate more effectively about your desires and needs.” And who doesn’t need that?

Here’s the thing: You don’t know what you don’t know. Even in relationships that are happy, healthy, and fulfilling, there are often small adjustments that can make a huge difference to your overall relationship satisfaction—especially in the bedroom. Sex therapy provides a safe space for you and your partner(s) to discuss any needs or desires that aren’t being met, and come up with a game plan, so you can enjoy even more Os.

If you’re still reluctant to get some extra support, remember these words shared by Francis, “You are deserving of peace and pleasure.” Because your satisfaction under the sheets is tied to your overall health and wellbeing, it’s worth prioritizing. And while talking about sex can feel scary (and, uh, awkward) at first, those conversations are worth having.

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Staying Healthy While Staying Open

— The Polyamory Dilemma

By Jenna Fletcher

Angie Ebba, 42, of Portland, OR, has two local girlfriends, one long-distance partner, and a platonic life partner.

Ebba is polyamorous, having multiple intimate romantic relationships at the same time. Her partners know about each other and have consented to the arrangement, she says.

Polyamory is becoming more common in the United States. In 2021, one in nine Americans said they’d been in polyamorous relationships, and one in six said they wanted to try it, according to a study by researchers at the Kinsey Institute.

While a high level of transparency is required to make polyamory work, those who practice it don’t always feel comfortable sharing their relationship status with health care professionals. The fear of disclosure is not unfounded. Of the those in the Kinsey study who said they weren’t and had never been interested in polyamory, fewer than 15% said they respect people who engage in the practice.

“I hear all the time from patients who have sexual questions and issues but are uncomfortable talking to their doctors or even other therapists,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, a psychotherapist and sex therapist in New York City. “As polyamorous systems are still on the outskirts of the mainstream, some doctors may have implicit biases or explicit judgments, especially if they are lacking in experience.”

Roadblocks to Care

People who practice polyamory face unique health issues. These include a potentially higher risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) from having multiple sexual partners, and anxiety or depression stemming from managing multiple relationships.

“It is of particular importance in OB/GYN given the risk of STI transmission, and its consequences such as infertility, vaginal discharge, and systemic illness,” says Cheruba Prabakar, MD, the CEO of Lamorinda Gynecology and Surgery in Lafayette, CA. “Disclosing information will allow the provider to think about the patient more holistically.”

Ebba does not tell her doctors about her personal life. She knows other people in these relationships who have felt judged in clinical encounters, and she avoids disclosure unless absolutely necessary.

“Primarily, I don’t let my providers know because I’ve already in the past faced discrimination and awkwardness for being queer; I don’t want that for being poly as well,” she says. “If I can avoid it, I will.

A study from 2019 of 20 people in consensual non-monogamous relationships – which can include polyamory – found most of them reported challenges in addressing their health care needs related to lack of provider knowledge, not enough preventive screenings, and stigmas that impacted their health and trust in the medical system.

“Polyamorous people often have trouble seeking out health care because they fear being judged by their doctor or other clinicians who don’t understand or respect their lifestyle choices,” says Akos Antwi, a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner and co-owner of Revive Therapeutic Services in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. “They may also be reluctant to share information about their relationships with providers who aren’t familiar with the complexities of polyamory.” Sharon Flicker, PhD, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of psychology at California State University-Sacramento, says she understands why people are worried about discussing the topic of multiple relationships with their health provider.

“Health care providers’ interactions with patients are often shaped by their mono-normative assumptions, that monogamy is ideal and deviations from that ideal is pathological,” she says. “Non-disclosure presents a barrier to sensitive care that meets the individualized needs of the patient.”

Flicker says health care professionals can seek training to reduce their biases, and to better understand and address the unique needs of people involved in consensually non-monogamous relationships. In addition, offering to answer any questions that a doctor might have after disclosure can open the door to dialogue, according to Prabakar.

“They may be simply embarrassed to ask, as many may not be familiar with” polyamory, Prabakar says.People in polyamorous relationships also can look for affirming language on the websites of health providers, which may mention welcoming patients of all sexual orientations or gender identities. A first appointment can serve as an interview to find out what kind of terms a provider uses when referring to non-monogamy.

Safely Navigating Sexy Time With Multiple Partners

Prabakar says sexual health and safety is at the forefront for her patients in polyamorous relationships because they are engaging with multiple partners.

She recommends anyone who has multiple partners use condoms and dental dams for the prevention of STIs, like herpes and gonorrhea, in addition to receiving regular screening tests for the diseases.

Tikva Wolf, from Asheville, NC, says she’s been in polyamorous relationships for 20 years. She says she has strict boundaries for engaging in new romantic relationships to protect her sexual health: She has sex only with people who know their current STI status, are clear communicators, and use protection.

“If the conversation feels awkward, or they don’t seem to know what they’ve been tested for, I don’t engage in sex with them,” she says. “I don’t start romantic partnerships with people unless they’re on the same page about relationships, and I don’t have casual sex.” Wolf says her actions toward transparency mirror the greater community of people who engage in polyamorous relationships.

Monogamy is the default setting, so there’s a tendency to be more transparent about specific preferences upfront in any relationship that doesn’t quite fit into that standard box,” she says.

Some research backs up Wolf’s hypothesis. A 2015 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that polyamorous people reported more lifetime sexual partners than people in monogamous relationships, but were more likely to report using condoms and be tested for STIs. About one-quarter of monogamous partners reported having sex outside of their primary relationship but not informing their primary partner.

Kerner explains that each partner in a polyamorous relationship may have different ideas about sexual activity; some partners may be interested in casual sex, while others are interested in maintaining steady primary and secondary relationships.

“These systems are always different, and without clear boundaries, honesty, and communication – for example around the use of protection – the potential to contract an STI within the system increases,” and the potential for the polyamorous relationship to not work increases, he says.

Taking Care of Mental Health

Not only does a polyamorous lifestyle require talking about sexual health and romantic boundaries, it demands an openness with feelings as they come up.

“Couples in a polyamorous relationship don’t fully anticipate the emotional response they might have to their partner being with another person,” says David Helfand, PsyD, a therapist in St. Johnsbury, VT, who has worked with many polyamorous couples.

People may have feelings of insecurity or jealousy, which can lead to anxiety in navigating the complexity of multiple relationships.

“The first time your spouse goes on a date with another person, or you hear them in the bedroom with someone else, it can create an intense emotion that you might not know how to process or have been prepared for,” Helfand says.

Seeing a therapist can help with processing emotions raised by dating multiple people. Ebba says she sees a therapist regularly, in part for help setting boundaries on how much time to spend with different partners. “Poly relationships can be great because you have more support people in your life,” she says. “But you’re also giving more of your time and energy away too.”

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Maintaining Your Sex Life After Prostate Cancer

Sex may be different after prostate cancer treatment, but it can still be enjoyable

If you have prostate cancer and your healthcare provider recommends treatment, you might be wondering how your sex life may or may not be affected. You’re not alone if you have questions about this, as this is a common concern.

“Treating prostate cancer is about treating the whole person,” says urologist Raevti Bole, MD. “We have many effective therapies to help you resume intercourse if that’s your goal. But we want you to feel like you can talk to your provider and partner about your issues or concerns.”

Dr. Bole explains how your sex life may evolve after treatment and answers some commonly asked questions.

Can you have sex after prostate cancer?

Sexual and urinary side effects are common after prostate cancer treatment. “But yes, we can help most people get back to a satisfying sexual experience, though this may look different after treatment,” says Dr. Bole.

There are two gold-standard treatments for prostate cancer:

  • Radical prostatectomy removes your prostate gland and the two small glands at the base of your prostate called seminal vesicles. Pelvic lymph nodes may also be removed as part of this operation.
  • Radiation therapy delivers radiation to your entire prostate to destroy cancer-specific cells, and often the pelvic lymph nodes as well. If you opt for radiation therapy, you may receive androgen deprivation therapy to reduce testosterone in your body. This combined approach provides improved overall treatment.

New treatment options, such as high-intensity focused ultrasound therapy and cryotherapy, are being investigated for the potential to treat focused areas of the prostate gland and potentially lessen sexual side effects. But these treatments are typically only an option for certain types of prostate cancer, and you may eventually need a prostatectomy or radiation therapy down the line. Consultation with a urologist who specializes in prostate cancer is the best way to determine if you’re a candidate for any type of focal therapy.

Sex after prostate biopsy

To confirm a diagnosis of prostate cancer, you need to have a biopsy. During this test, your healthcare provider collects a sample of prostate tissue to look for cancer. They can do this in one of two ways:

  • Transrectal biopsy: This biopsy occurs by inserting an ultrasound probe into your rectum and then using a needle to pass through that probe to get the sample cells from your prostate.
  • Transperineal biopsy: This biopsy is taken by inserting a needle into the skin of your perineum (the area of skin between your genitals and your anus) to remove sample tissue cells from your prostate.

Though you may be sore for a couple of days, there aren’t any restrictions on sexual activity after having a biopsy. It’s common to notice old blood in your ejaculate for up to a month or two. This typically goes away on its own as you heal and isn’t associated with pain. Infection is a risk after a biopsy, though the risk is much lower when it’s taken through your perineum.

“For the vast majority of men undergoing an uncomplicated biopsy (either transrectal or transperineal), long-term sexual function should not be affected,” reassures Dr. Bole.

In most cases, if you’re feeling well, you should be able to ejaculate or have sex again when you feel ready. If you participate in receptive anal sex, you should wait for two weeks or until you’re fully healed, especially if you had a transrectal biopsy. But if you experience any blood, pain or swelling, you should refrain from sexual activity until you meet with your healthcare provider.

Sex after prostatectomy and radiation therapy

Once your provider confirms a diagnosis, they’ll discuss your treatment plan with you. Both prostatectomy and radiation therapy can affect your sexual performance in the following ways:

Anal sex safety

Your anus doesn’t create its own lubricant, so the tissue inside of your anus is delicate and susceptible to tearing. Luckily, that tissue heals relatively quickly. If you have anal sex, it’s important to let your surgeon know before you have your prostate removed. Your surgeon will help you determine when it’s safe to insert anything anally. In most cases, it’s OK to participate in anal sex after six weeks.

“Know your body and take your time,” advises Dr. Bole. “If you’ve waited to heal after prostate removal, but you have anal intercourse and notice pain or blood, talk to your surgeon who may advise you to wait longer.”

In some cases, having your prostate removed may affect your ability to enjoy receptive anal sex.

Erectile dysfunction after prostate cancer treatment

For some people, undergoing prostate cancer treatment can result in some difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. This erectile dysfunction (ED) occurs because the nerve bundles that help control erections sit behind your prostate.

Surgeons make every effort to leave these nerve bundles intact, but the nerves may become damaged. If the tumor has grown into your nerve bundles, your surgeon may remove the nerves entirely.

“Erectile dysfunction is not uncommon after prostate cancer surgery, but the level of effect is variable in the short and long term,” explains Dr. Bole. “Your prognosis depends on your erectile function before treatment, your age and whether your nerves were spared. Erectile function can improve for up to two years after surgery, but it’s possible that it does not return to normal. This is also affected by natural aging and any other health conditions you have.”

Radiation therapy can also affect the nerves around your prostate depending on the type of radiation, your age and health conditions. According to Dr. Bole, in general, five years after radiation therapy, about half of people have some level of erectile dysfunction.

Orgasm after prostate cancer treatment

You can orgasm after prostate cancer treatment, but it usually results in a dry orgasm. With a dry orgasm, no fluid comes out of your urethra when you climax. But you can still feel the pleasurable sensation of climax.

Why do you have a dry orgasm? If you had a prostatectomy, the procedure removes the seminal vesicles (which produce and hold your semen) and cuts the vas deferens, so there isn’t any semen to come out. And radiation therapy causes the tissues in and around your prostate, including your ejaculatory ducts, to become fibrous, or stiff and dense. Although there isn’t a reliable treatment to improve a dry orgasm, it’s a common condition where up to 90% of people who receive radiation therapy can develop dry orgasms over time.

Climacturia after prostatectomy

Climacturia is when you leak any drops of urine during an orgasm. Though this number can vary, on average, climacturia can occur in about 25% of people after prostate removal. Studies have found that of these people, only half of them have enough climacturia to be bothersome.

Lack of interest in sex after prostate cancer treatment

Androgen deprivation therapy often accompanies radiation therapy and reduces testosterone production in your body. When you have low testosterone, you could experience a decrease in your sex drive (libido). “The general stress and anxiety of treatment may also affect your desire to have intercourse,” notes Dr. Bole.

Infertility after prostate cancer treatment

If you’ve had your prostate removed, you can’t get someone pregnant through intercourse. After surgery, you no longer produce semen, which carries sperm when you ejaculate. Radiation therapy also reduces semen production and affects your ability to make sperm.

If you’re considering having children, talk to your healthcare provider before prostate cancer treatment. There are several options for preserving fertility before cancer treatment or retrieving sperm (if you have them) after treatment.

Treatment options for ED after prostate cancer treatment

Sex is often different after prostate cancer treatment, but it can still be enjoyable. “Treatments for ED are often focused on penetrative intercourse,” says Dr. Bole. “But the sexual experience is often not just about penetration. We work with you to discuss your goals for sexual health or intimacy with a partner.”

Treatments for ED include:

Erectile dysfunction medications

There are many medications to treat ED, including Viagra® and Cialis®. “These medications are often the first treatment we recommend,” says Dr. Bole. “They are inexpensive, and if you don’t like them, or they don’t work well for you, you can stop taking them at any point.”

Penile rehabilitation

The goal of penile rehabilitation is to reduce the risk of permanent ED before you have treatment. It focuses on increasing oxygenation and preserving the structures of the erectile tissues to prevent long-term damage. The theory is that helping people regain erections earlier than later after treatment could prevent long-term damage. Think of it as a “use it or lose it” approach.

This is an active area of research and there’s no standard protocol that’s been proven best for every person, says Dr. Bole. Your oncology team may recommend their preferred protocol, such as oral medication, to promote the early return of erectile function and, hopefully, longer-term recovery.

Penile injections

Medication you inject into the base of your penis, called intracavernous injections, can improve your ability to stay erect. Your healthcare provider can teach you how to inject the medication for times when you want an erection.

“The medication takes about 10 or 15 minutes to take effect and may not be the best option if you have a fear of needles,” notes Dr. Bole. “But if you’re looking for a better erection after prostate treatment, and the oral medications are not working, injections can be very effective.”  

Vacuum constriction device

A vacuum erectile device (also known as a penis pump) draws blood into your penis to help you get an erection. Usually, it comes with a rubber ring you slip down over the base of your penis to hold the blood in. It can be a good option if medications aren’t working well or you don’t want surgery.

Surgery

There are several types of penile implants to improve erections, including:

  • Malleable prosthesis, a noninflatable implant that’s always semirigid and you bend it up or down.
  • Inflatable implant, a device placed in your penis that inflates using a pump in your scrotum.

Climacturia treatment

If you have climacturia, pelvic floor muscle therapy can help you improve urinary control. This noninvasive treatment involves simple exercises to strengthen the muscles that help regulate urination.

Surgery is another option. Your healthcare provider can insert a sling made from synthetic mesh-like surgical tape around the area of your urethra to reposition it. The pressure caused by the sling often helps prevent leakage.

People with climacturia may also experience erectile dysfunction. “In the instance you experience both, we can do a combined surgery to put in a penile prosthesis and a sling to address both problems,” says Dr. Bole.

Therapy for you and your partner

Sex therapy, couples therapy and support groups are important resources for people who’ve undergone prostate cancer treatment and their partners. Sex can often be an uncomfortable topic, especially if you or your partner are experiencing changes in sexual behavior and are unsure of how to communicate your feelings. If you’re experiencing shame or embarrassment, or feel like you’re inadequate, please know that these side effects of prostate cancer treatment are common and (in most cases) treatable with the right tools and therapies.

Some therapeutic options that can be beneficial after your treatment include:

  • Couples therapy centers around your relationship with your partner. It can help resolve conflicts and find ways to communicate better about things that are upsetting to you and your partner. A couples therapist can help you discuss these issues, so they don’t interfere with your relationship.
  • Sex therapy focuses on sexual intimacy and helping couples show affection with and without penetration. That may include the use of sex toys or other activities you may not have considered before. Some sex therapists even specialize in working with people who have or who’ve had cancer.
  • Support groups connect you with others going through the same experience as you. They can help you understand what to expect and how others have handled specific challenges. Many people find support groups as a source of hope and comfort, and your healthcare provider can help connect you to these resources should you need them.

“Our goal is to make sure you live the longest, healthiest and most fulfilling life possible,” says Dr. Bole. “We treat cancer to protect your life, then we help get back your quality of life. If intimacy and intercourse are important to you, we can help you get back to experiencing those again safely.”

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The Hottest Sex Trends to Know About for 2023

By Sam Manzella

I’m sure you’ve made some personal or professional resolutions ahead of the new year, but have you thought about setting intentions for your sex life in 2023? A new year is a great opportunity to recalibrate how you approach, discuss, and think about sex.

What makes you feel good, honestly? Are there any new sex positions or innovative products that have piqued your interest? Perhaps most importantly, are there any unanswered questions you have regarding your sexual or reproductive wellness?

To kick off the new year right, SheKnows touched base with some experts in the sexual wellness space about sex-related conversations and products they foresee trending in 2023. Use their suggestions as jumping-off points for your own journey of sexual education, exploration, and satisfaction.

Happy New Year, pleasure seekers!

Prioritizing what you like during sex, not just what’s been fed to you

Let’s face it: All of us have internalized some messaging about what sex is “supposed to” be like. Whether they stem from porn, pop culture, or IRL convos, these ideals can stir up doubts, shame, or self-consciousness…and get in the way of us actually enjoying what we get up to in the bedroom. Sex educator Emily L. Depasse, MSW, MEd, who runs the popular Instagram account @sexelducation, recommends kicking off 2023 by checking in with yourself about where you learned your core values, beliefs, and preferences regarding sex.

“Asking questions like, ‘Do I leave my sexual encounters feeling satisfied?’ and ‘What sensations do I like and crave more of?’ or ‘What am I not telling my partner?’ might be great starter questions and can even turn into journal prompts, meditations, or intimate experiences with partners,” she tells SheKnows. This introspective work is a fantastic way of getting to know yourself, your body, and your desires better. Think of it as an extension of your self-care routine.

Upon doing some reflection, you might feel inspired to reach for different sex toys or try out new positions in bed. “Once you’re able to tune into your curiosity, rather than fear it,” Depasse explains, “you’ll be able to better visualize what you’re really seeking in bed and what might help get you there.”

Discussing sex openly and directly with your partner(s)

Although it may be uncomfortable at first, Depasse is a big fan of discussing your desires or concerns openly with your sexual partner(s). Consider getting candid about any insights or takeaways you glean from your top-of-the-year sex-trospection.

Polly Rodriguez, founder and CEO of the sexual wellness brand Unbound, echoes this sentiment. Throughout 2022, her team focused on growing Unbound’s TikTok following. She has noticed that viewers really enjoy content about how best to communicate their sexual wants and needs to a partner.

“The first step of that is understanding what you like and then sharing that with someone else,” Rodriguez tells SheKnows. “It’s so great to see that type of content resonate, and honestly, it’s so important.”

Incorporating toys into partnered sex

While many of us associate vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys with masturbation, these items can also be used during partnered sex. Rodriguez expects to see more partnered sex-forward toys on the market in 2023 as the world continues to bounce back from COVID-19-related isolation. “This could be anything from BDSM accessories to vibrators,” she explains, “but ultimately, [the focus will be] on products that encourage continued exploration with a partner.”

The good news? With a financial recession looming large, Rodriguez believes affordability will be a major concern for sex toy manufacturers in the new year. “Brands will need to continue to focus on accessible pricing without compromising on quality and product safety,” she says.

Depasse is also pumped that national retailers have begun stocking sexual wellness products on their shelves, making these items even more accessible to the average consumer in America. She thinks this trend will continue into 2023. “Dame launched in Sephora this year,” she explains, “and I see increasing numbers of sex toys and lubricant offerings at drug stores that go beyond the typical KY Jelly and Trojan brand.”

Experimenting with sexual wellness products that aren’t toys

Sex toys aside, Depasse is excited about the trend of holistic sexual wellness products — think CBD-infused lube to promote relaxation, or organic supplements to prevent UTIs or yeast infections. Basically, this category encompasses any sex-related products that aren’t toys.

Personally, Depasse is a big fan of products from Dame, a sexual wellness brand with a research-backed approach. “Dame came out with their Desire Gummies this year, and I was excited to try them because it wasn’t just another vibrator or sex toy that could change my bedroom experience,” she shares. “Momotaro Apotheca also launched an organic UTI supplement and vaginal suppository.

Continuing conversations about sexual and reproductive health

Unfortunately, one of the biggest sex-related news stories of 2022 was the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v. Wade in June. This landmark ruling safeguarded abortion access in the United States for more than 40 years. States are now able to restrict or ban abortions, and plenty already have.

As the year stretched on, frank conversations about reproductive rights and health care became more commonplace. A number of viral videos — including the “Roe v. Bros” TikTok series that made the rounds during the midterm elections — highlighted just how ignorant many cisgender men are when it comes to sexual and reproductive health for people with uteruses. In 2023, Depasse thinks we’ll see even more sex-related educational campaigns on social media — think Reels, TikToks, or YouTube videos.“When I look at this topic as a whole, most of the conversations are driven by women who are fed up with the lack of knowledge and understanding about reproductive health care,” she shares. “I think these conversations will continue into 2023 and shift depending on what legislation is passed.”

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This Yes-No-Maybe List Can Help Couples Explore Their Wildest Sexual Fantasies

— If one of your goals for the new year is to rev up your intimate life, consider one popular activity often recommended by sex therapists to couples looking to explore their desires: the Yes/No/Maybe list.

By Kelly Gonsalves

The Yes/No/Maybe list.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is an activity designed to help partners explore and share their erotic interests, including what they’d be curious about trying, what they already know they love from past experiences, and what’s a no-go. It’s perfect for couples or any set of sexual partners interested in learning about each other’s fantasies and seeing what overlapping areas of interest exist between them.

So, how does it work?

First, each of you will get your own individual copy of a lonnnng list of sexual activities, fantasies, kinks and fetishes, accessories, and more. There are lots of versions of this on the internet (we link some of our faves below), but some possible line items that might appear on the list include:

  • Anal sex
  • Pegging
  • Fingering
  • Dirty talk
  • Sexting
  • Making videos
  • Threesomes: FFM
  • Threesomes: MMF
  • Group sex
  • Public sex
  • Mutual masturbation
  • Spanking
  • Biting
  • Choking someone
  • Being choked
  • Bondage: being tied up
  • Bondage: tying someone else up
  • Role playing
  • Outdoor sex
  • Double penetration
  • Erotic massage
  • Watching porn together
  • Watching porn alone
  • Vibrators
  • Cock rings
  • Swallowing cum
  • Period sex
  • Food play
  • Foot play
  • Handcuffs
  • Cuckolding

The list goes on! And it can get detailed.

Next to each item, you’ll have the opportunity to write in your own personal interest level:

  1. Yes (I’m into it or willing to try it)
  2. No (Not for me/not open to it)
  3. Maybe (I could be interested with more conversation, information, and/or in a specific situation).

Some versions of the Yes/No/Maybe list—like this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST—also feature a fourth option: Open to fantasizing about it, but not actually doing it IRL. (Which is an important and often helpful distinction, “because many people are aroused by the idea of certain acts but wouldn’t want to actually do it,” she tells mbg.)

Each person will fill out their copy of the list separately and in private—and the privacy is key here, because you want to feel open to answer totally honestly, without feeling influenced by the way your partner reacts to a certain line item.

After you each complete the worksheet by yourselves, that’s when you’ll then come together to review your responses together and look for areas of overlap where you can explore together if you so choose.

Why sex therapists love it.

The activity is often recommended by sex therapists because it allows partners to easily get to know each other’s most intimate desires, exposes them to new ideas they may not have considered but find intriguing, and gives them an easy way to bring up a kinky interest that perhaps they haven’t been able to talk about thus far.

“I think these are wonderful tools to explore erotic interests, but they are even better to open conversation,” Zimmerman adds.

That is, in addition to being a great source of inspiration, perhaps the biggest benefit of the Yes/No/Maybe list is that it simply opens up the lines of communication.

Couples can sometimes go years without ever meaningfully talking about their sex life, and it does them a great disservice. We know from research that people who talk more about sex tend to have more satisfying sex lives, whereas those who have less sexual communication tend to enjoy their sex life less, too.

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, previously told mbg. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

In other words, the key to a sustainably steamy sex life is being willing to sit down at talk about it. And if it’s not something you’ve been doing much of lately in your relationship? The Yes/No/Maybe list is one simple and pretty fun way to get started.

Tips for doing the activity as a couple.

Find a copy of the Yes/No/Maybe list that speaks to you. We love the one from Zimmerman linked above, or you could also try this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Diana Sadat, RCC, CST, this one from sex educator Sunny Megatron, or any other you’re vibing with.

“I recommend people treat this exercise as a discussion starter, with curiosity and without judgement,” says Zimmerman. That includes judgment toward your partner and judgment toward yourself.

Exploring sexual interests with a partner can be an extremely fun activity, but it can also be vulnerable stuff. Stay open-minded and affirming with each other as you talk through your lists, while also being vocal about your boundaries and respectful about the other person’s.

(Remember: A relationship becomes safer, and feels all the closer and warmer, the more we’re able to say no to each other with ease. So celebrate each other’s “no”! It brings you closer every time you do.)

Also remember that none of this means you have to do anything on the list, Zimmerman reminds, no matter what you answered on the worksheet. Either way though, “you can talk about what is appealing about particular sexual activities (or what is not) and under what circumstances you’d find it interesting.”

The takeaway.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is a lighthearted, straightforward, yet eye-opening way to kick off a conversation with partners about the things that turn you both on.

Suggest the idea to your partner to see if they’d be interested in doing this on your next date night (feel free to shoot them the link to this article!), and then come into the activity together with open minds and a spirit of playful exploration. You’ll be sure to walk away with a good bit of inspo for where to go next.

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How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

Is it getting hot in here?


By Jessica Estrada

Whether you want to reignite a spark in the bedroom or are just down to try something new with your partner, power play (with continued consent, of course) may be the thing to spice up your sex life. Carol Queen, Ph.D., a staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, defines power play as play that involves differential roles, usually a submissive partner and a dominant partner. This type of power play, she says, applies to most BDSM as well as other forms of kink (think role-playing) and some forms of rough sex.

With that in mind, while people participating in power play tend to find this type of play erotic, Queen says it doesn’t always involve sexual activity. “Some go on to have sex with this heightened arousal and power-infused role-play to add passion and excitement,” she says. “Others do not choose this.” Either way, she says the benefits of power play are many, including pleasure, excitement, increased partner intimacy, and an enhanced way you see yourself and the world. Into it? Keep reading to learn how to introduce power play into your sex life.

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

1. Get On The Same Page

First and foremost, it’s important to talk to your partner about incorporating power play. “Find out if your partner is interested, if they have any concerns, if either of you feels the need for more information,” Queen says. If so, she encourages doing more research about power play, taking a class, or talking to an experienced friend or expert about it until you both feel comfortable taking the next steps.

2. Create A Yes/Maybe/No List

The next step is to get clear on what you’re most excited to try and your limits and boundaries. To do so, Queen suggests creating a yes, maybe, and no list, which details what you’re willing to do, things you may be into trying, and what things you’re not interested in trying. Then compare lists and find what is compatible for you to explore together. “If you’re interested in different things, figure out if either of you is happy to facilitate the other’s fantasy, or look at your maybe lists and see if there’s a way to address the elements that prevent those items from being yesses,” Queen says.

3. Choose Your Safe Word

Next, decide on a safe word other than the word no. Queen says it should be a word that would not likely come up when you’re in character during role-play. The word “red,” as in red light means stop, is a common safe word. If there’s a chance you may not be able to be heard — for instance, if it’s noisy or you are gagged — Queen recommends using a safe gesture, such as holding an item and dropping it.

And most importantly, when the safe word (or gesture) is used, respect it and give the other person what they need, whether that’s taking a break or stopping altogether. If your partner doesn’t respect safe words, Queen doesn’t recommend playing with them again as it is a breach of trust.

4. Decide Your Roles

“Even if you are not doing role-play per se, power play implies a top and a bottom (dominant and submissive),” Queen says. But these don’t have to be set in stone. “People switch all the time, but you need to know who is the ‘do-er’ and the ‘do-ee.’ Unless, you know, your fantasy is to [wrestle] and see who can overpower the other,” she says. Whatever your role, Queen adds that both of you can use the safe word at any point.

5. Check In With Each Other

Once you’ve experimented with power play (more on how to do that below), Queen emphasizes the importance of checking in with each other afterward, whether it’s right after or after you’ve had some time to process the experience. Ask each other how you’re feeling and figure out what you loved or would change if you did it again.

Power Play Game Examples

Blindfold

If you’re just dipping your toes into power play, incorporating a blindfold is a beginner-friendly way to try it out. “Blindfold one of you, and the other person touches and teases them, maybe uses toys or a massage candle, does light BDSM play like slapping or pinching,” Queen says. “The blindfold is a power toy because it removes one of your senses and it also intensifies the others.”

Role-Play & Sex

Another way to experiment with power play is to choose personas or characters to play. “Pretend to be strangers and seduce each other, or pick matching roles that include power differential to explore,” Queen says. Think mistress and butler or coach and athlete. “Remember, this is fantasy, and you can use your safe word if it goes in a direction you’re not feeling.”

Bondage

Lastly, if you want to take things up a notch, Queen suggests trying bondage with fuzzy cuffs. She says metal handcuffs can cause discomfort when you thrash around. Don’t have handcuffs on hand (no pun intended)? The submissive can put their hands somewhere and not move. “This is exciting with sex play but also a way to explore spanking and other impact play,” she says. “The butt cheeks are good, safe places to explore impact. Start mild, and escalate if desired.”

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Five signs your relationship is on the rocks

— Every couple has their ups and downs, but sometimes a relationship never recovers from a difficult period.

By

While processing conflict and working on your interactions is admirable, aiming to repair a dying relationship is a time-waster for everyone involved.

The key to sorting things out – whether that’s together or not – is seeing the signs you’ve reached the point of no return.

That allows you to go your separate ways if need be or come up with a game plan to change things if you see something worth salvaging; rip the plaster off and save yourselves the heartache later on.

According to sex and relationship therapist Lauren Consul, there are a few red flags that suggest you’re flogging a dead horse romantically.

If her warning signs read like a memoir of your partnership, it might be time to move on.

Getting stuck in the content during arguments

Lauren, 34, says that a clear sign your relationship is on the rocks can be seen in your arguments.

Are you getting to the root of the issue or focusing on surface level squabbles that go nowhere?

‘Two people can experience the same thing but feel completely differently about it,’ says Lauren.

‘If we get stuck in the “right sight” we are saying one person’s experience is valid and the other is not.’

Two Angry Man Fighting With Each Other. Disagreement.
Some couples can struggle to see the wood for the trees in disagreements

If disagreements are circular and you’re rowing about who did what and who’s in the right, you’re destined to become resentful as underlying causes fester unchecked.

Lauren adds: ‘The best way to overcome this is if we can take a pause and reflect on what we are hearing from our partner and validate them.’

Not taking responsibility

LA-based Lauren argues that couples for whom sorry is the hardest word may struggle long term.

When one partner won’t take responsibility, they place the success (or failure) of the relationship onto the other. For example, taking the ‘well if my partner would just change or do this differently, everything would be fine,’ approach to problems.

‘It is a lot easier to point the finger at our partner,’ comments Lauren. ‘But what you do impacts your partner which then impacts you – behaviours get reinforced.’

Losing curiosity for each other

As a relationship progresses, you’re naturally going to fall into certain routines and lose that ‘first flush of love’ feel.

However, if you’re no longer curious about your partner and assume you know them already, that’s a bad omen for your future.

Emotional Black Married Couple Having Reconciliation After A Fight.
Support and respect are cornerstones of a healthy partnership

Lauren says: ‘When we start dating, we ask lots of questions and are interested in each other, but over time we forgot or start presuming and stop asking our partner questions.

‘It is all about continuing to ask questions – how are they feeling? What are they thinking? And what their long-term goals are.’

As they say, the grass is greenest where you water it most, so put the effort in like you did at the beginning to come back from the brink.

Words and actions that don’t align

When the trust is gone in a relationship, it’s difficult to get it back.

If one partner makes big promises but fails to follow through, the other can feel let down.

Saying ‘I love you’ but not showing it, for example, signifies that your words are meaningless. And building a relationship on a shaky foundation can lead to collapse.

‘The first step is awareness but that alone is not enough, we have to have motivation,’ Lauren says.

‘We need to start to recognise how these things are showing up in the relationship and why they are showing up and then we can shift it.’

Lack of support and teamwork

Lauren says that feeling like your partner doesn’t have your back can be the death knell for your relationship.

She explains: ‘A common one I see is that one partner will take the side of their mum or dad or even siblings over their partner – and that is really painful for people, as it is saying you are not my core family.

‘It is that transition of “we are in this together” – it is about coming together and understanding how you are feeling about this and how can we work on this.’

It’s imperative you approach things as a team; otherwise what’s the point of being together?

No couple is perfect, but support, trust, respect, and collaboration set apart those that go the distance from those that don’t.

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